steve's site numero dos

smash recap: episode two, "the callback"

2012-02-14T20:30:00.002-06:00

“I’ll just have to forget the hurt
That came before,
Forget what used to be.

The past is on the cutting room floor --
The future is here with me!
Choose me!”

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Episode two of “Smash” answered the question of who will be chosen to play the lead in “Marilyn: The Musical” (at least for now). I applaud the show for not dragging out the drama.

More importantly, episode two (“The Callback”) more than held its own against the pilot episode. Amazingly, I enjoyed this episode more than the pilot, mostly because (a) I loved the “remake” of “Let Me Be Your Star” (quoted above), and (b) the Derek / Eileen scenes are freaking GOLDEN.

Here then, is your recap for Smash: Episode Two (sadly, still not starring Brian Williams (rimshot)!*)

(*: it’s a running gag on Alan Sepinwall’s site. Every “Friday Night Lights” fan gets what the gag is.)

We open with Karen imagining herself as a lounge singer, covering “Call Me” by Blondie. If Katherine McPhee had done this on “Idol”, I might not have hated her as much as I did. It’s a damned good cover, worth the $1.29 on iTunes.

However, like last week’s opening scene, it’s all in Karen’s mind, and we quickly are dumped back into what her life currently is – waiting tables, dreaming of greatness, working towards attaining that opportunity for greatness. And just as the harshness of life comes crashing down on her again … “Karen! It’s for you!”

Segue from that … to a meeting of the minds – Julia and Tom, Eileen and Derek, still totally deadlocked over who to pick as their Marilyn a week after the initial callbacks. (Side note: not sure if this will continue, but it appears the show is mostly playing out in “real time” at this point. I like this tactic.) Tom is adamant that Ivy is the choice. Derek is lobbying hard for Karen. Eileen and Julia just want this to end. Finally a compromise is reached: another round of callbacks.

Jump from the boardroom … to Broadway ... ok, fine, West 44th Street, as Ivy is seen walking with two of her fellow theater actors / dancers down a street in Midtown. (They even work the Sardi’s awning into the scene. Awesome stuff.) The scenes for a rivalry are set. (And then some, as you’ll find out after the break.)

Jump back to the studio, where Karen is late for her callback, a dance audition with potential supporting cast and Derek as her coach. But wait, who’s that in the back? Is that … yes, it is the dude who was with Ivy a scene before!

And as we come to learn in the next scene, he “volunteered” to help with the audition, to do some recon work for Ivy. Ivy leaves the scene feeling very confident she’ll be our “star”.

(Skipping pointless throw-away adoption scene …)

And we’re back in the writers room, as Julia and Tom are attempting to lay out the baby that matters, their musical. If you loved the closing scene last week (and God knows I did)? Then you’re going to LOVE what “Let Me Be Your Star” has evolved into in week two. Julia lays it out exactly as I would, and since there’s nobody smarter than me*, this is a good thing. Also, a great “put you in your place beyatch!” putdown of Ellis by Julia.

(*: yeah, right. I’m so full of it that port-a-potties at the Sports Complex drool with jealousy.)

Should note before moving on: I know a lot of the critics are ripping the character of Ellis, and I somewhat get why … but I actually kinda like the guy. He’s totally trying to kick Julia out of the way and weasel his way into at least a writing credit to get his career off the ground, and he’s shamelessly doing it. Sometimes having the dirty, rotten scoundrel in your life can be an entertaining thing. And when you’re a show that ostensibly seeks to entertain, in this case, it’s a good thing.

Switch back to the studio, where Karen is still blowing the dance routine, and Derek, out of sheer frustration, bolts out of the room … only to see Ivy conveniently in the hallway. After a “fishing each other out” conversation, Derek’s ready to give her a shot.

So Ivy enters the rehearsal room, and for the first time, our potential leading ladies meet. Let me inject my personal opinion here: I don’t want this to be a true “rivalry”, where one girl hates the other, and vice versa. I hope this gets developed into a “mentor / mentee” type relationship. I highly doubt that will happen, given how dense Karen is, and how subvertive and “willing to do anything to win” Ivy is. But a kid … ok, fine, middle aged dude, can dream.

After an initial awkward interaction, Karen leaves with a door slammed in her face (literally), and … scene.

When we come back, Karen and her boyfriend are grabbing some lunch, and the utter cluelessness of Karen is put on full display.

Cut to Ivy backstage at her current production. Not much there, but a funny scene.

(Skipping the next three minutes due to god awful adoption subplot …)

And we’re back with Eileen, Derek, Eileen’s soon to be ex, and his latest floozy in one helluva hysterical restaurant scene. “Smash” writers and producers: more Eileen versus her sleazy ex, less adoption subplot. Please. Angelica Huston shines in every scene she’s in, and then some. Julia’s husband (and especially) her son are the two worst actors on this show, and I’m fully aware Katherine McPhee is a major player on this show.

We cut next to Eileen and Derek the morning after the restaurant scene, beginning to put the play in motion. More, more, more! Scenes of these two together, please! Angelica Huston and Jack Davenport have tremendous chemistry together. Anything beats …

(Skipping next two plus minutes due to god awful adoption subplot …)

And we’re back, with Karen rushing off to meet her boyfriend at some dinner that he views as important to his job. (OK, fine, I’ll say it: what the holy hell is an obviously British guy doing working as the deputy mayor … in New York City? Michael J. Fox wasn’t British, ditto Chuck Sheen who replaced him*. This is an outrage! No wonder our nation’s finest city is having the issues it is.)

(*: Please, don’t make me have to explain a “Spin City” reference. For God’s sake, even the youngest of the readers of this site should know “Spin City”.)

And in the most predictable scene of all time … Karen gets called back in, and has to miss the dinner date. And cue the predictable blow-up scene in a restaurant … only, her boyfriend reacts? Pretty much like I would*. I knew I liked this guy.

(*: there is NOTHING wrong with being a pushover sometimes. Especially after a fight with a significant other. It can lead to some, uuh, really fun, uuh "fun"! Trying to keep this post at least PG13.)

We return from the break with Ivy and Derek rehearsing. Derek’s throwaway comment in the restaurant a few scenes ago – “Ivy tries too hard, Karen can do this but she just doesn’t know how” – shines through in this scene.

And by “trying too hard”? Oh hell yes Ivy totally screws Derek in a valiant effort to get the part! And we jump from the bedroom to … the backroom, where Julia has a heart-to-heart with Karen. And as the scene reaches its climax (rimshot!), we’re left with Ivy and Karen, alone, on opposite ends of the hallway, awaiting the ultimate decision on their future.

Which begins with Karen up first, performing to “Twentieth Century Fox Mambo”. And it’s good. It’s really good. Like last week’s “National Pastime” scene (which still cracks me up every time I watch or listen to it. I mean, how great is it – “’cause all men like to play at the national pastime!” Yes, I’m a sucker for double entendre phrases), it switches between the scene in development, and as it would be in the musical, and I love this ploy. It’s neat. And I say this as someone who is not a big theater or musical fan. These scenes are just killing it. I would absolutely pay to watch this musical when it’s all put together.

And after the final break, we return to a meeting of the minds, finally ready to pick their lead. Julia has been won over by Karen, as apparently has been Eileen. Tom stands up for Ivy … and surprisingly, Derek does as well. (Well, not surprisingly to the viewer (cough “slept with him” cough), but still -- I could have gone the cheap route here and noted he already “stood up for her” (rimshot!) Oh wait, I did just go there, never mind. Rated R here we come!) Julia sees right through it, her face gives it away, but she stays silent.

So cue to the waiting – Karen working her job, Ivy backstage … and enter Tom, to announce to Ivy that we have our Marilyn … and it’s you. Look it, you can view the way she (most likely) got the job as despicable, fine, but this is a great scene. You genuinely feel good for her to finally get her breakthrough role, and kudos to the writers for (so far, at least) not writing her into a villain, but a worthy adversary to Karen. I enjoyed this moment.

(Plus, people don't tend to resort to last gasp desperate measures, like sleeping with a potential boss ... unless they are last gasp desperate. I'd say after ten years as a glorified chorus girl, Ivy has hit "last gasp desperate status".)

The next scene? I enjoyed even more, as Derek makes it clear where his loyalties truly lie … and it ain’t with either potential Marilyn. Please, writers and producers, more Derek and Eileen moments! These two are magical when paired together.

We close in a bar / night club, with Ivy, Tom, and her two friends (who I’m sure have names but they weren’t said and I’m too lazy to IMDB search them) celebrating her new gig, and covering Carrie Underwood’s “Crazy Dreams”. It’s bring the house down good – another $1.29 well spent on iTunes.

And … scene. Episode. Fini.

To which I say, "thank God even crazy dreams come true!"

Two hours in, and I am totally digging the direction this show is headed. It’s strongest points to this, uuh, point:

* Katharine McPhee. Yes, she can act. Yes, she can actually sing in a manner that doesn’t lead me to chuck empty beer cans at the TV (unlike when she was on “Idol”, and yes, I was banned from watching “Idol”’s fifth season in the main room after I started hurling empty cans at the big screen.) And no, I don’t suspect we’ve seen the last of her, even though she didn’t get the lead role. (They have understudies for a reason, right?)

* Derek. Anything and everything about Derek. He’s the best “God bless it, this guy is pure sleaze … but I freaking love him!” character in prime time since possibly “Leisure Suit” Larry Dallas on “Three’s Company”? I’m sure there have been some since then (yes, I’m deliberately skipping Sam Malone from “Cheers”, because I refuse to view that guy as “sleazy”), but I love how he genuinely is just … sleazy. Yet lovable.

* Eileen. Am totally loving this character, and anytime Angelica Huston and Jack Davenport share the screen together, it’s captivating.

* Julia. Not her home life – that’s the biggest weakness this show has going (and a potential fatal flaw if they don’t deep six the adoption plotline). But her character. Love that she openly despises Tom’s assistant Ellis, love that she’s the brains behind the operation, and loved her idea of how to use “Let Me Be Your Star” to open the musical.

(On the other hand, the only show to debut in the last five years I've liked more than "Smash" so far, the late great "Swingtown", had a major fatal flaw as well -- Janet. And by the time it's summer run was over, Janet was one of the best things going on the show. Oh what am I saying, this adoption plotline is so f*cking retarded that it is beyond redemption ...)

* Ivy. I genuinely like this character, even though she’s set up to be unlikable. The mark of a good actor is when he or she makes you like the character even though you aren’t supposed to. (Think Michael Emerson as Ben Linus in “Lost”, or Brad Leland as Buddy Garrity in “Friday Night Lights”). You genuinely like this chick, and this character.

* Ellis. Hey, any guy that wears a sweater vest has my respect. I thought I was the last guy standing on that front. Plus, I like how they’ve set up the power play between him, Tom and Julia. Should be fun to watch play out.

* The behind the scenes making of a musical. What can I say, I’m a geeky kid. I dig the behind the scenes stuff. (It’s probably why me and DJ were the only two “Studio 60” fans left after week 5 in the KC Metro area.)

Really, the only thing not worth watching, is the adoption subplot (which Alan Sepinwall ensures in today’s recap is MIA for at least the next three episodes. THANK. GOD!)

If you haven’t given “Smash” a chance, you can watch every episode for free at Hulu, or download each episode the morning after on iTunes. This show is good folks. It’s damned good. (In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve read both critics I rely on, Ed Bark and Alan Sepinwall, as well as Robert Bianco at USA Today, say next week’s episode is awful. A letdown is to be expected, I guess, after two hours this good. Plus, even the best of shows put out a clunker or two every year. Christ, the greatest show ever delivered almost a full year of clunkers (Rick Schroder’s final season on “NYPD Blue”, and lived to see four more (pretty damned good) years.)

So don’t “dive in head first” next Monday – get caught up beforehand!

the biggest joke in the metro area

2012-02-13T16:43:00.001-06:00

sk: in the interest of fairness, you can click here for KCATA, and here for The JO. Although after today, why you'd ever want to click on either link, I have no idea. Unless its to vent your frustration, anger, and abject disgust at what passes as "mass transit" in a metro area of 2.3 million people, then click away!!!

sk: should probably also note, my car is in the shop with "engine issues". Hence my frustration. Although after "experiencing" all that the KCATA and The JO have to offer? No wonder nobody uses mass transit in this area. What a mother f*cking joke our mass transit is ...

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There’s a few things I’ve been meaning to unload on lately … but this one? This one takes the cake.

Riddle me this, Batman. Let’s say a person who holds a decent, respectable job, and that person lives less than a mile from a MAX bus terminal, needs a ride to work on a Monday morning. And let’s say that person’s ride to work would encompass driving approximately 8 miles (exit 69 to exit 77) on Interstate 435. If this person were to drive his own vehicle on this route, it would take him approximate 15 minutes at the height of rush hour (25-30 if there’s a traffic issue due to a wreck / stalled vehicle, etc.)

How long would you venture a trip from the MAX terminal at Bannister and Drury (in the parking lot where Bannister Mall used to be) to College and Metcalf would take?

I put the over/under at 50 minutes. I figured there’d be at least a few stops along the way (figuring the KCATA was too damned stupid to have freeway bus service), and I built in the stoplights on Bannister or Red Bridge that drive you bat shit crazy (because they’re not synched up, especially on Red Bridge at Little Blue and Wornall).

Uum, well …

I undersold the KCATA … by TWO F*CKING HOURS! Not only would a trip from a MAX Bus Center (also known as a park-and-ride) take 2 hours and 55 minutes according to the KCATA’s own site … said route would not ONCE deposit you on a freeway, and in fact, there is not a single direct bus route at ANY TIME DURING THE DAY from South KC to South Johnson County.

I freely admit, I’m the slowest person walking the planet, so I did a double take at typing in my hoped for route into work this morning … then did a triple take. See, my car is in the shop because it is having engine issues. I won’t have an operational motor vehicle until later Tuesday at the earliest. But I still hoped to at least make it in to work today, since I missed Friday due to the flu bug sweeping my department.

The earliest I could have arrived, using our “state of the art mass transit system”, would be 11:59am … and that assumes it would only take me 22 minutes to WALK from 119th and Roe, to College and Metcalf. (With as cold as it is today, and as snow covered as the sidewalks are, I’m guessing 22 minutes is a generous proposition.)

And if I needed a ride home? I’d have to leave by 3:16pm, walk said 22 minutes back to Rosana Square, and pray the bus was on time … just so I could travel 11 miles out of my way to 55th and Troost, before traveling back to my destination three hours later.

So here’s today’s first b*tch: mass transit in Kansas City is a mother f*cking JOKE. The Kansas City Area Transit Authority should have a flame-thrower taken to it, and clean house from top to bottom.

Let me get this straight: (dierks bentley voice) Am I the only one who wants to have fun tonight? No, wait, let me rephrase that: am I the only person who lives in District 6 (South KC, Ruskin, Grandview Area) that has a job in Johnson County? Because I find that hard to believe. And am I the only person who might need to use public transit to work every now and then from District 6 to south JoCo? Again, I find that extremely hard to believe. And to further hammer the point home: how the f*ck is there not a SINGLE route from a park-and-ride depot to the heart of JoCo’s business district (the College Boulevard corridor) not even 10 miles away?!?!?!

In case you doubt me, here is the link for the route to work I sought this morning. You tell me – YOU TELL ME – where a “direct path” to College Boulevard is. Feel free to type in any coordinates you want, because a direct link doesn’t exist.

I mean, sweet Jesus, how does a freaking AREA transit authority not offer a SINGLE route from a park-and-ride station to College Boulevard?!?! (And I checked – the park and ride at Red Bridge and 71 doesn’t offer a direct College Boulevard route either. The hilarity of that? Red Bridge = College Boulevard. They're the same god damned street! The KCATA literally doesn’t offer a “straight on f*cking ahead” route in south KC! Yay! And to think they’re CUTTING services because people don’t utilize what they offer! Christ, I can’t POSSIBLY imagine why!)

2 hours and 55 minutes to “ride” to work. I live 11.2 miles from work (according to my car’s odometer, and I take a couple back roads once I exit the freeway to bypass a stoplight or three that adds a .1, .2 to the route in the interest of saving 3 minutes on the commute). So we’ll be fair, round up, and call it 12 miles.

You spot me 3 hours? I can walk / jog the 12 miles. With the $3 all day pass saved to boot. What a joke. What a freaking joke mass transit is in Kansas City.

(For the record, I also checked to see how long it would take to go from the park-and-ride depot on Bannister to my old job downtown. 49 minutes, with 4 minutes built in to walk from the drop-off point to the Town Pavilion. Although as you can see from the route on KCATA.org’s site … there’s NO logical reason for the route they chose. Uuh, guys? The Watkins (aka US 71) has been opened free and clear to downtown for pushing eleven years now. Let the Blue Ridge Express handle the long route north, and have a MAX route that utilizes your park-and-ride at Bannister … and hits the Watkins to maximize drive time. Wait, am I thinking logically? No wonder the KCATA and The JO don’t offer routes like this! God forbid LOGIC factor into any mass transit decisions, right Clay Chastain?)

Note to KCATA and The JO: people live all over the metro area. This you clearly recognize, as given your variety of routes and schedules. But further note to KCATA and The JO: people WORK all over the metro area. You apparently don’t realize this, given your complete LACK of variety of routes and schedules, especially between KCMO and “The Golden Ghetto”.

Screw you, JO and KCATA. You cost me 8 hours of pool time this summer because of your retarded bus schedules today.

Worse yet, you probably cost me the “date” I’ve waited a f*cking lifetime for tomorrow night, because there’s no bus routes between south KC and the City Market after 9pm! Let that one sink in – we’re the 31st largest Nielsen Market (at 974,820 households as of 2010) … and don’t have legitimate mass transit once the sun goes down! Sure, I could “walk” home from the City Market tomorrow night … and probably get raped, mugged, beaten, and at least assaulted while walking the Watkins … and possibly stumble into bed at 5am …

To make a 8am bus ride that gets me to work 3 f*cking hours later. (keyshawn Johnson voice) COME ON MAN!

a couple site previews (possibly)

2012-02-07T21:15:00.001-06:00

Well, how is everyone out there in Readerland doing? Hopefully good. I’m personally on cloud nine right now, amazingly enough not due to (a) alcohol, (b) a controlled substance, (c) a promotion, raise, and/or other professionally related reason, or (d) anything I have initiated on my own. Read into that what you want.

Just wanted to drop a “what I’m thinking of posting”, uuh, post.

*I’m working on a “Stevo Style” rebuttal to Seth Davis’ pathetic column at SI.com today defending the gutless, ballless, childish decision by KU to “end” the rivalry with Mizzou. (Guess you can figure out how I feel about it.) Mr. Davis’ column is good for one thing, and one thing only: print it out, and use it as a backup in case the stall is out of toilet paper. Or better yet, use it as toilet paper whether said paper is available or not. It’s a disgraceful effort out of one of the better college basketball writers.

* Started this awhile ago, let it sit, and now I’m revisiting it: Stevo Looks Back at the 2000s. There’s a lot in this one, probably a multi-parter over a drawn out period of time (I started typing in November 2009 … and I’m only up to midway through 2007 … and I’m already at 63 typed pages in Word). Not all of it is positive – I’m willing to deal with my personal issues from the early part of the decade (hello DUI! Hello gambling addiction! Wait, that one still exists, never mind), as well as the fun moments (“Oh yeah? Well you majored in Asshole 101!” God, I miss that man often …), and the “only in Stevo’s Universe does this happen” moments (Memorial Day Weekend 2000. Let’s just say, “The Voice of Reason” owes me one for the sacrifice I made as a result of that debacle. So the owe board moves to what, +35,493 in favor of G? Or +35,492? Tough call.)

* Did I mention that a bowling team named “Have You Seen My Headpin” currently has a 6 ½ game lead (with 40 to play, 36 of which count) in the “longest running bowling league in Johnson County”? I didn’t? Well, we do have that lead … and as confirmed by our commish last week, this is JoCo’s longest consecutively running bowling league, since 1961. That means this league is SIXTEEN YEARS OLDER than your current leader’s oldest member. (Oh, wait, that’s me. SONOFA!!! …) We play a doormat tomorrow, albeit a decent doormat – they somehow keep finding ways to lose by 2 pins every game. ( We took 3 of 4 in our first matchup with them, and have one more to go after this one tomorrow. To our great Commish’s credit, we have the PERFECT number of teams – you face every other team three times in games that count, then the final night it’s a “what the f*ck, let’s have fun” get-together that ends in the fifth frame of game one, as everyone heads for the bar.)

* So in honor of Team Headpin actually being the odds-on favorite to win this league, somehow, someway, with (a) zero bowlers having a 180 plus average, (b) two bowlers (sadly) barely speaking to each other, and (c) the most cocky, arrogant, self-absorbed team captain ever (and hey, that ain’t me … although we love DJ for his “I won’t let us lose” attitude, because, well, he doesn’t let us lose! Hey!) … here’s my favorite clip from the “Smash” premiere.

I LOVED the original score, I LOVED the dueling vocalists, and like Ellis (the Hispanic looking dude at the end of the table), I simply sat and enjoyed the HELL out of this “duel”. If THIS is what “Smash” is going to deliver every week? MORE! MORE MORE MORE!!!!!!

(Again: I NEVER pimp shows with a “tune in if you know what’s good for you” plotline, save for “Friday Night Lights”, and again, as “The Voice of Reason” can confirm, I NAILED “Friday Night Lights”. I know rock star TV when I see it. Smash? Is Rock Star TV of the HIGHEST quality. Next Monday, 9PM CT. Get caught up on Hulu. Let “Smash” Be Your Star!!! Sweet JESUS, did this scene kill …)

must see tv returns to nbc

2012-02-04T23:02:00.001-06:00

In the interest of full disclosure … I watch more TV than the average bear.

To be fair, most of it is sports. Especially basketball. Having said that, for all the TV I watch, its not often I strongly encourage you, the readers, in written word to actually tune in and watch something. (Save for “Friday Night Lights”, which as the Voice of Reason can confirm, I was 110% right about. Even if it took him six years and a boatload of ESPN Classic reruns to figure it out.)

When you couple my reluctance to “pimp shows I love” with the fact that the show I’m about to HIGHLY recommend you invest an hour of your week in, stars my most hated American Idol contestant ever, AND its about making a Broadway musical, not exactly something I find entertaining?

Yeah. That’s how epically good NBC’s new “Smash” is.

“Smash” technically debuts on Monday night (9pm CT) on NBC, but you can view the first episode at Hulu right now for free. I can’t believe I’m about to say this … but this is the best pilot episode for a show I’ve seen since “Swingtown” four years ago. Unlike “Swingtown”, I don’t think “Smash” is going to infuriate our “good friends” that are “socially conservative”. (Read into the “”’s whatever you want. See how I manage to insult a group of people without technically insulting them? TALENT!)

Also, unlike “Swingtown”, I don’t see this show being a one-and-doner. This show’s got serious potential. Thanks to the most unlikely of reasons (at least to me, and anyone else who never caught “McPheever”).

First, the primary characters, and yes, they somehow pretty much all interact together in a “Six Degrees of Separation” kind of way (only not as awfully as the characters in “Six Degrees” did five years ago):

* Debra Messing plays Julia, one half of the play writing duo. Her writing partner is Tom (played by Christian Borle). A chance conversation with Tom’s new assistant Ellis (played by Jamie Cepero) leads this Tony-winning duo currently responsible for Broadway’s biggest hit to decide to undertake a new play, based on the life of Marilyn Monroe. (As Julia’s husband puts it, “Marilyn … THE Musical!” As Julia’s son puts it, when asked what he thinks of when he hears the word Marilyn: “Baltimore? Manson?” There’s some really funny one liners in this thing.)

In order to get the play to work, however, you need more than two incredibly talented writers. Specifically, you need a producer, a director, and a lead. Whoever cast this show? Nailed the first, drilled the second, and somehow got me to overcome my hatred of half of the third, while loving the hell out of the other half …

* Anjelica Huston plays Eileen, the producer. She’s currently going through a divorce, and agrees to sign on as producer to establish a revenue stream separate from her company, which is currently in escrow. (As well as to prove that “the rumors of my demise are very premature”, another great one-liner.) The scene where she walks into the final round of auditions looks cheesy in the promos NBC has been running, but it works perfectly when put into context of the scene it’s contained in.

* Jack Davenport plays Derek, the director. In the interest of full disclosure, Mr. Davenport starred in “Swingtown”, and anyone who was a major part of that late, great show, I have a predisposed liking for. After his three main scenes in the “Smash” premiere? I cannot WAIT to see how this character gets developed. I suspect he will be the next great “character you love to hate … but really actually like because you hate him so much” member of prime time, filling the hole that has existed in prime time since Ben Linus opted to stay in the Sideways world in the final episode of “Lost”.

* Broadway veteran Megan Hilty plays one of the two leads vying for the role of Marilyn Monroe, playing an established Broadway actress named Ivy. You will note the resemblance to Ms. Monroe, on-screen and in-print persona, almost immediately. And she’s damned good too – she lights up every scene she’s in. You genuinely like her. Hell, she’s so good, that even as you watch the pilot and realize the show’s writers are trying to get you to root against her, you STILL root for her. I would pay damned good money to see her on Broadway. This chick has SICK talent. And yet …

* What SHOCKED the living hell out of me, was my reaction to the other lead vying for the role of Marilyn Monroe. And that would be “American Idol” Season Five runner-up Katharine McPhee, who plays Karen. Let me state up front, that 26 seconds into the pilot episode, I was ready to pull the plug. (Ms. McPhee reprises what was either her finest hour from “Idol” (if you liked her), or “Idol”’s lowest moment ever (if you hated her, as I did).) As soon as she starts singing in the debut scene, your biases from “Idol” kick in.

Until the thirty second mark. And then, the writers of “Smash” flip the script. Believe me, if you hate Katharine McPhee, just give the first minute of “Smash” a view, if only to enjoy how the opening scene ends. (And if you hated Ms. McPhee, you will be standing and applauding at how the first minute ends.)

Most incredibly, if after that first minute, you don’t begin to at least see why a large chunk of America kept backing this girl every week (at the expense of Daughtry and my rubber chicken in the season five race, Elliott Yamin)? Then don’t continue watching. Because if you enter this pilot episode with an open mind, you’ll emerge 40 some odd minutes later angry that you won’t see any new episodes for another week.

(The final scene, especially, builds brilliantly to next week’s episode. You will want to tune in for week two with “Let Me Be Your Star” embedded in your brain by the time the scene is over.)

I cannot even begin to express what a reveal Ms. McPhee is on the small screen as an actress. She’s remarkably good. This is the perfect vehicle for her. And yet, as good as her scenes are (the scene in Derek’s apartment between Karen and Derek is really good, and I LOVED the scene with McPhee’s character and her boyfriend (Dev, played by Raza Jaffrey)), the best scene is without question the “National Pastime”, which not only showcases Ms. Hilty’s immense talent, and not only gives you the viewer a look into how a Broadway act is developed and comes together (great use of switching between the current and the future in this scene) … but it’s just damned fun. And call me a dreamer, say I’m a little naïve, but isn’t that what prime time television is supposed to be? Fun? Enjoyable? “Smash” is both of those words, and THEN some.

By the time you get through the “National Pastime” scene, you’re only halfway into the episode, and you’ll find yourself liking what you’re watching so much, that you wish you could pull up Netflix or head to a Redbox and be able to view the whole season. (Or, at the very least, if you’re like me, you’ll rewind the “National Pastime” scene a couple times in utter shock that a NETWORK, not cable, NETWORK television show has developed something this damned enjoyable to watch.)

The pilot really sets up well where the show intends to go. Some plot lines are cliché (the producers are torn over who to pick as their Marilyn, although the contrast between the two potential leads makes it kind of obvious … ok, at least I think it makes it obvious … how this will get resolved; Eileen’s divorce feels forced, and the promos seem to back up my thoughts on that). Some are utterly retarded – the Julia and her husband adoption plot seemed like a way to fill four minutes that I think could have been better spent elsewhere.

But if the biggest complaint you have after watching the pilot is that one throwaway scene used to establish one of the writers family dynamic (guessing Julia and her husband can’t have any more kids), was a little boring? When THAT’S all you’ve got in the complaints box? You’ve got one helluva winning effort on your hands.

Which, I hope, is what NBC has with “Smash”. This show is good folks. It’s really good. The pilot is amazing, and the potential this show holds is incredible. If you wait until Monday to watch the premiere? Great. Just be sure to DVR it, I’ll explain why three sentences from now.

If you watch it on Hulu or iTunes? Make sure you see it twice. The first time you watch, prepare to be amazed. The second time, when you know what’s coming? Prepare to be extremely impressed at the intricate little details the show pays attention to.

For tradition’s sake, the pilot gets at 14-2 on the Theismann Rating Scale*, and the potential the remaining 12 episodes have gets an 11-5. Alan Sepinwall gave the first four episodes a B+ cumulative grade, and Ed Bark gave the pilot an A. Those are the only two television critics I even pay a moment’s worth of attention to, because they’re the two best in the business. And they’re buying what “Smash” is selling.

(*: the “Theismann Rating Scale” was developed by (go figure) Joe Theismann, who used to assign NFL regular season records to films he would review back when “The Deuce”, now known as ESPN2, was just starting out. Needless to say, the Chiefs have NEVER gone 14-2 … which should tell you how highly I think of the pilot episode.)

Watch this show. You will NOT regret it ...

stevo answers his "fans"

2012-01-31T21:03:00.002-06:00

* “Stevo, please don’t take this the wrong way … but sometimes, people have to be told things they don’t want to hear. It’s called tough love.” -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

Uuh, I don’t like where this is headed, especially since the last time I tried this, I was called a "dipsh*t", an "assh*le", a "mother f*cker", and told that if I saw said person again, he'd "beat my ass into a coma" …

“So Stevo, while I commend you on your attempts to diversify what you post about, I mean, milking five printed pages on what’s on your iPod is creative genius amigo! But please, I’m begging you, as a friend, as a former roommate, as your appointed “Voice of Reason”, please … will you give us a godd*mned fake mailbag already! It’s been nearly a full year since you last hauled one out!” – still Gregg G, still Bonner Springs.

Can it be true? Has it really been a full calendar year since I last did one of these? The answer tragically is “yes”. The last mailbag I did was on April 1st and no, that is not an April Fools Day joke. As always, these are “real queries” from “real readers” of this site.

Did you have a query, “Gregg G”?

* “Yes, I do. If you’re going to go old-school, which I totally love by the way, then please, go all out! We need a classic “Tale of the Tape”, Nick Bakay style!” – Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

You know what? As usual, “The Voice of Reason” is right. So in honor of what figures to be KU’s final trip to Allen Field House East … excuse me, The Plaige … excuse me, the … uuh, what the hell do you people call that place nowadays? It changes names so often that I can’t keep up. Mizzou Arena? Thanks. Since this figures to be KU’s final trip to Mizzou Arena, let’s do the first of (hopefully) four final meetings as conference rivals right, breaking down who’s got the advantage headed into Saturday using the tried and true “Tale of the Tape”!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Old dude who possibly has broadcast a game while lit like a Christmas tree:
KU – Max Falkenstein.
MU – Gary Link.
Advantage: push. Anytime drunken old people are given an uncensored microphone, good things happen. See Globes, Golden; Awards, SAG. (Seriously, how EPIC was Tina Fey and Melissa McCarthy chugging shots for each mention of Marty Scorsese’s name? And how awesome was it that some later presenter just randomly said “Scorsese” to lead a round of shots with the audience? The lesson? As always, you can never go wrong with monkeys and midgets. No, wait, it’s that you can never go wrong with giving an intoxicated person an uncensored mic.)

Person who current gymnasium was originally named after:
KU – Phog Allen, a Naismith Hall of Fame player and coach who won two national championships and took Dr. Naismith’s original ideas for the game and improved them. (Such as using buckets with no bottom, to allow easier retrieval of the ball).
MU – Paige Laurie, who admitted to academic fraud while an undergrad at USC.
Advantage: KU. Paige, sorry honey, I have to do it. (stevo at arrowhead after a penalty on the opposition voice) Cheater! Cheater! Dirty f*cking cheater!!!

Most Significant Off Court Achievement by a former player:
KU – Wilt Chamberlain having in excess of 20,000 sexual partners in his lifetime.
MU – Ricky Clemons offending half the state of Missouri and the entire alumni base by calling white people “crackers”, and crashing an ATV on the chancellor’s grounds while under the influence of alcohol and possibly a controlled substance. Mr. Clemons was on probation for numerous other legal issues at the time of his drunken ATV ride.
Advantage: Mizzou. I mean, 20,000 women is one helluva respectable achievement … but come on, drunken stoned ATV ride! Who doesn’t want to be in Ricky Clemons position at that point! Especially since after about partner 13,286, I’d be exhausted. And broke from constantly having to replentish the stash of KY and Lifestyles.

Annoying Animal that Student Body Dresses Up As to Taunt Opposition:
KU – a penguin.
MU – any animal with antlers.
Advantage: Mizzou. The penguin isn’t that intimidating. And probably isn’t wanted in two states and five counties for a variety of local and state offenses.

Big XII Championships:
KU – 11, including seven straight.
MU – zero, zip, nada.
Advantage: Kansas.

Final Four Appearances:
KU – 13, including three in the last ten years.
MU – zero, zip, nada.
Advantage: Kansas. But look on the bright side, Tigers fans – if BYU continues its midseason fade, you can close to within one for the all time record for most seasons in the tournament without reaching the Final Four this year!!! (MU currently trails BYU 26-24.)

Former Coach Who Can Be Legitimately Accused of Coaching Under the Influence:
KU – Ted Owens.
MU – Quin Snyder.
Advantage: Mizzou. Coke trumps grain alcohol. Provided a half-naked secretary performing, uuh, “party favors” while snorting is involved.

Endearing to the Fanbase Chant that Pisses Off Every Other School.
KU – Rock Chalk Jayhawk, KU!
MU – MIZ! ZOU!
Advantage: MU. When coupled with “SEC! SEC!”, the Tigers fans are truly unbearable after a Mizzou win.

Worthless African American Twins to Suit Up for Each Squad:
KU – the Morii, Markieff and Marcus.
MU – the Haley’s, Sally and something.
Advantage: push. We are ALL losers here for having watched them play.

Finally … Best Postgame Interview By a Former Head Coach Regarding the Reality of the Situation:
KU – Roy Williams, after losing to Syracuse in the National Championship game, telling Bonnie Bernstein of CBS Sports that “I don’t give a shit” regarding rumors of his leaving to take the North Carolina job (which he would do).
MU – Norm Stewart, after losing to KU in Lawrence in 1998, as the fans chanted “NIT! NIT!” at Mizzou as they left the court. Coach’s response when asked what he thought of the taunt / insult? “Christ, we aren’t good enough for the NIT”. Mizzou would not participate in any postseason tournament that season.
Advantage: MU. There’s comedy, there’s hysterical comedy, and then there’s a Norm Stewart press conference. Plus “Christ” is the stronger expletive, depending on your view of religion. I really miss Norm. I hope he’s still getting a lot of use out of that rocking chair KU graciously gave him upon his retirement.

So there you have it. When you break down the intangibles … MU wins 5-3, with 2 pushes. And that’s pretty much what I expect to occur on Saturday. I’ll take the Tigers 81-72 in a game that plays out exactly like KU’s game in Ames did: tied at the under four, and MU hits every damned free throw down the stretch to pull away.

* “Come on, where’s the PSA? Where’s the PSA for Mizzou fan?” – Heath C, Harrisonville.

True. Mizzou fan, WHEN you win on Saturday, and you will, ACT like you’re the favorite (which you are). ACT like you’re the more talented team (which you are). ACT like you’re the higher ranked team (which you are) with fewer losses (which you are), and the home court advantage (which you have). If Tiger fan storms the court Saturday night, the Big XII had better fine the shit out of the Mizzou athletic department for endangerment to lives.

On second thought, given what Chuck Nienas said this week regarding Mizzou, uuh, storm away! I guarantee you Mr. Nienas is anxiously awaiting a record setting fine to be handed down on Monday against the Mizzou student body and athletic department for conduct unbecoming of a top five program (which Mizzou is).

* “Congratulations on your spectacularly sage prognostication of predicting the denver broncos would make the playoffs! Thanks Steve!” – Kellie J, KCK.

Godd*mned blocked field goal from 48 yards – twice! – against oakland …

* “You think you’ve had a rough year? My wife flies her broncos flag proudly every game day Sunday. The next time you think you’re having a bad gameday? Remember me. And cry.” – Dusty J, KCK.

Cry? Hell, the last time I pulled into your driveway and saw that piece of should-be-toilet-paper flying from the flagstick, I nearly hit the gas and hit it at full ramming speed. The lesson? As always, when it comes to the denver broncos, I lose all sense of rationale and reason.

* “NO! You CANNOT abandon the President! Come on Stevo, you’re the one ally I have here in the reddest of the red states!!!” – Brett H, Harrisonville.

I’m not abandoning Obama. Hell, it’s still 50/50 I’ll vote for him. (As always, I will not officially endorse a candidate until after the Democratic Convention finishes during the first week in September … and this year, said coveted Stevo Official Endorsement might have to wade through a few debates before I figure out which less-than-attractive-candidate to swallow hard and vote for.)

I just thought his SOTU speech was disgraceful. Especially since the one unquestioned success (albeit a moderate one that needs some adjusting … and albeit, a success only in my eyes apparently) this administration has had, finally beginning to deal with health care costs, got one throw-away line. If you aren’t willing to run on your record, then why the hell are you running?

* “OK, ok, I’ve finally got it. I know what’s gonna rope you into a summer trip to the greatest city in America. Ready?” – Brooke B, Milwaukee.

Oh Lord, I can only imagine where this is going. What reason is that, couz?

* “Guess who’s performing on July 4th at Summerfest!” – still Brooke B, still Milwaukee.

Oh Lord, I can only imagine where this is going. Who’s performing on our nation’s 235th birthday?

* “Neil! Diamond!” – still Brooke B, still Milwaukee.

Sweet f*cking Jesus! Neil Diamond, on the 4th, in concert?!?! Hang on, I’m about to pass out at the possibility of FINALLY crossing “see Neil Diamond in concert” off the bucket list … and having him sing “The Jazz Singer” ON JULY FOURTH! LIVE! (stevo hitting the ground in utter shock). Giggity!

* “OK, you must have something to say regarding what the Chiefs should do at QB. Come on. We count on you to be our “overreact to everything Chiefs related” blogger! I mean … uuh … keep up the good work?” – Damien J, Midtown.

Here’s the big “if”, and yes, it’s a biggie, and I understand going into it that the odds of it happening are roughly the odds of me having sex tonight without having to drive down to Independence Avenue, rent a sleazy motel room for an hour … ok fine, five minutes … and pay the lady for the privilege of experiencing the greatness that is Stevo. Cue your (rimshot!) here.

Here’s what I’m looking at. The Vikings have already publically said they want to trade out of the three hole. IF you figure Luck goes at one, and IF come draft day, the Rams stay in the second slot and take Justin Blackmon from Oklahoma State … uum, well, here’s the question.

Would you trade this year’s number one (either 11 or 12 overall), next year’s number one (likely to be in the low 20s as things stand right now, in my opinion), and swap a few later round picks to make the math work, to move up to three at that moment and take Robert Griffin III?

Ooh, didn’t see that one coming, did ya? Look it, my preference is to swallow hard, deal with Cassel for another year, rely on a heavy ball-control offense, squeeze out a 10-6 division title, and then go all in next spring for Aaron Murray of Georgia or Matt Barkley of USC. But – BUT! – if come about 6:25pm CT on Day One, Griffin is still there, the Vikings are on the clock … do you make the call? Do you spend two first round picks (and probably a 2nd either this year or next) to get “your guy” if you think he’s “the guy”? Or do you swallow hard, cross your fingers, hope Jamaal Charles comes back healthy, and you can return to the ball control / conservative passing game that won you the division last year (and despite it all, was one missed field goal away from winning it again this year)?

I honestly don’t know. Chiefs fans, the comments section is yours to voice your opinion. Whatever said opinion might be.

* “Really? The only movie you saw in a theater all year was the “Footloose” remake? Lame.” – Vineet T, Queens.

To think it was only 14 short years ago that we were stopping in at the Grand every Friday from like mid January to April, to see “Titanic” again. Wait, did I just say that out loud?!?!

* “I wub you Unca Teve!” – Ayden K, Shawnee.

Awww. At least someone does. Did you have a question?

* “Yeah. Teve? Will you watch Wescue Hewoes with me?” – still Ayden K, still Shawnee.

(stevo bashing his head against the window sill …) Sure buddy. Why not.

* “It wasn’t that long ago I was bashing your head against that window sill!” – Drew K, Shawnee.

I know – I still have the scar by my left eye to prove it. Your query?

* “Oh, yeah. Uum … how sweet was BJ’s coming out party on Saturday? To drop not one, not two, but ELEVEN three pointers on the Lakers as the Bucks win in a rout! Awesome stuff!” – still Drew K, still Shawnee.

Hell yes it was. It figures – this was THE weekend I had circled to make a quick getaway to Milwaukee, see the cousin and her husband, and catch a game. I mean, I gotta see Kobe in person once before he retires. You should ALWAYS find a way to see the greatest of the great at least once. (Why the hell do you think I made trips to St. Louis for years to see Sosa, McGwire, Bonds, and the rest of the National Leaguers?) Go figure, work got in the way … but man, what I wouldn’t have given to have been there to witness it in person.

* “So wait, you’re willing to fly now?” – Kristin L, Atlanta.

Ever since your wedding, yes. Its amazing how easily your fear of heights and flying can disappear when you combine a couple shots of vodka with four Benadryls about five minutes before boarding, and then cue up your iTunes to play a steady stream of “NCIS” episodes you’ve seen 15,293 times already to finally knock you out.

* “You mentioned a bucket list already twice in this mailbag” – Brent S, somewhere in Johnson County.

Wait, you could read this before I posted it? My GOD! Psychic! Anyways, your point?

* “Uuh, yeah. Anyways, any goals or dreams for this year? Gotta have something to aim for, right?” – still Brent S, still somewhere in Johnson County.

Well, you’re aiming higher than me, and congratulations by the way, in case I haven’t said it before. Christ, what is it with girls named Ashley always winding up getting married every summer? My brother’s wife in 2005. Gregg’s wife in 2007. Another friend in 2009. Now you AND my friend Novacek this summer. I swear, if DJ had married someone named Ashley, I wouldn’t have known how to react. I might have gone screaming out of the bar or something.

Anyways, yes, I have five things I want to do this year. In no particular order …

1. (cue “the rock” voice) FINALLY, Stevo has come BACK … to Indianapolis!!! I haven’t been to the Brickyard since 2006, I haven’t been to the 500 since 2008. I need to go back. For at least one of them. Preferably the 500, it’s the better event and has the travel day built in. But after four years away, it’s time to get a roadie organized. Speaking of getting a roadie organized …

2. Chiefs play at Tampa this fall. Don’t care where it falls on the schedule, I need to be there. The seashell I have on my desk at work from my last trip to Tampa needs a playmate.

3. I’m not completely naïve – I know this is likely the last summer of the “carefree life as I know it”. My brother and “The Voice of Reason” both are parents now. Brent gets married this summer. DJ and Kellie won’t wait forever to procreate. And it’s been five years since Transamerica shut us down and kicked us to the curb. So if 2012 is the last great summer of my youth … ok fine, early middle age, then dammit, I’m gonna enjoy the hell out of it. And part of that might entail …

4. I want to meet “My Kind of Crazy”. Maybe I already know them, maybe I don’t, but in the words of Jimmy Chitwood, “I figure it’s time I start playing ball”. No, wait, I mean, I’m 35 now. It’s probably time to get serious about finding someone to share this life with, as opposed to share a night with. And along those lines …

5. June 23rd, my folks will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. That’s insane. I can’t even imagine knowing someone for 40 years, let alone sharing a checking account with them. So needless to say, my brother and I have one HELLUVA bash to get to work on. (And in the words of the late, great Senator Kennedy, “you can bet your ass” my Uncle Bill will be involved in any and all planning and details. Because no party is complete without the “straight out of the bottle, or out of the tin cup” decision.)

That a good list?

* “A great one Stevo! But you forgot one – when is (insert ounce here) gonna be? I vote for the Sporting KC game again, I had a blast!” – Megan K, City Market.

Agreed on all counts. Sporting KC is home the first three Saturdays in August. One of those is HIGHLY LIKELY to be this year’s … let’s see, carry the one … carry the three … 455,001st ounce tailgate! Last year’s was a perfect day in my book – the day began with me seeing my nieces baptized … and ended by playing washers on a 106 degree day. It was so freaking hot the sandwich tray I ordered literally melted. Uum, can we have that again please? Although fine, if the temp wants to cap in the high 90s, I’m fine with that. See, I’m getting tolerant of other views in my “middle age”.

* “455,001? I quit.” – Steve’s liver, South KC.

Fair enough. I’ve abused you worse than anything one Orenthal James Simpson ever did to someone he “loved”.

* “Speaking of “monkeys and midgets”, you did see it, right? Oh sweet Jesus, please tell me you saw it!” – Jasson W, Shawnee.

Oh hell yes I saw it! A midget on this spring’s “Survivor”! How EPICALLY AWESOME is this! A freaking MIDGET! The ONLY way this gets better is if (a) there’s a monkey on whatever exotic island they’re filming on, and (b) said midget announces “good news makes the compass point north!” right before hooking up with the tribal skank.

* “Good news makes the compass point north? What the hell does that mean?” – Frank L, El Paso.

It’s a line from one of the most underrated movies of all time, “Mystery Alaska”. Let’s run through the checklist of this “Instant Classic”, shall we?

A pre-famous Russell Crowe that the ladies can drool over? Check.
A pre-West Wing, barely post-Private Parts Mary McCormick for the guys to drool over? Check.
Burt Reynolds in an awful toupee, mailing in the performance? Check.
An uncredited Mike Myers looking worse than his “54” Steve Rubell character? Check.
A 5 year old telling Beth Littleford on (live) TV that “my dog takes big shits”? Check.
The young hero of the local hockey squad being named Steve? CHECK!!!
Said young hero named Steve getting some personal time in a Zamboni with the hottest chick in town? CHECK!!!!!!!
Said young hero named Steve literally nutting as soon as said hottest chick in town goes to apply the condom? (sighing …) Check.

In all seriousness, this is one HELLUVA funny movie. And in one of those “life imitates art” moments, the NHL Winter Classic? The coolest NHL game all year? WAS STOLEN FROM THIS MOVIE! This is where the idea originated – the New York Rangers travel to Mystery, Alaska to play the best amateur team in the country on their “home ice”, literally an outdoor frozen pond. This movie gets a solid 11-5 on the Stevo / Theismann Rating Scale. You won’t regret spending 90 minutes with this one on Netflix.

* “Is there anything scarier than those predators Chris Hansen interviews on “To Catch a Predator”? I mean, I cringe in fear every time I see them on my TV screen! What person could POSSIBLY be worse than those perverts?” – “The Steve Pederson of Tailgating”, Shawnee.

Uh. Oh. We’re in shouting range.

* “Care to guess my final rattlesnake count? 56! 56 Stevo! Yeah, I’m one bad ass mother” – the man affectionately known as “Wyoming”, somewhere in Wyoming.

We’re in sight of the finish line.

* “That godd*mned Danica! Nothing but tits and ass! Tits! And! Ass!” – Gus B, Raytown.

We’re in sniffing range.

* “Hello any single ladies. I’m a 35 SWM interested in NSA relationship. 420 friendly if that’s how you roll. Your pic gets mine. Email back with subject heading of today’s date” – possibly this site’s author, possibly on Craiglist’s casual relationship link.

Come on … I had you for at least 2/1000ths of a second, right? Until next time, let's be careful out there. (Cue "Greatest Theme Song EVER" clip.) And remember – if you liked me, and you like this site, for the LOVE OF GOD, SUBSCRIBE! “The Crush” subscribed three f*cking years ago … and NOBODY HAS SINCE! What, am I that unlovable?!?! (stevo checking his responses to his “craigslist posting” …)

a throwback (to 2008) friday ...

2012-01-27T20:28:00.002-06:00

Its been four freaking years since I last posted one of these ... so in the words of the racist investment dude in the old Fidelity ads: “Why not”?

The top ten played songs on my iPod this week!

(Boy if this isn’t the ultimate “I have no damned interesting thing to write about, so let’s fling this against the wall and see if it sticks” post.)

Before we get started though, a quick word up front. Since I got one email this week (wait, people read this crap? (john davidson voice) That’s Incredible!!!) asking me “where is the “American Idol” recaps”, let me once again state that yes, I am completely addicted to “Idol” ... but I won’t watch a second of the show until they hit Top 24 night. I have no interest in watching a bunch of no-talent halfwits makes asses of themselves for fifteen seconds of fame in the audition rounds. So you won’t be seeing an “Idol” recap for at least a few weeks.

Here we go:

10. “Do I” by Luke Bryan. This song is really growing on me. And I think that’s a good thing. It’s got a sweet sound, its got a good tone, and man, the lyrics really hit home. Strongly recommend spending the $1.29 on iTunes for your own copy of it. (As always, this site strongly supports legal file sharing and downloading. Although this site also notes that it never has charged for content, and never will. Nor will it ever start posting “click here” pop-up ads designed to net me $0.02 per click in my bank account. I think I can live without the $0.24 that might generate over the course of a year.)

9. “I and Love and You” by the Avett Brothers. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: you will never meet or read any person in your life with a more diverse musical taste than me. This one’s a couple years old, but it still sounds great on my 1,058,634th listen. Truth be told, this stripped down, “emo style” music is probably what I prefer most of all ... and this song is phenomenal.

8. “Tyler” by the Toadies. Don’t care that this song is fifteen years old, don’t care that it’s on arguably the most overrated cd of all time in hindsight (so, go figure, it’s one of my ten favorite cd’s ever – “Possum Kingdom”, “Tyler”, “When I’m Away”, and at least a couple other hits I’m forgetting). I absolutely dig this song. The ending never gets old – “I can’t believe I’m really here / And she’s lying in that bed / I can almost feel her touch / And her anxious breath”. Who says the grunge era never churned out a love song!

7. “Out of My Head” by Theory of a Deadman. Probably my second favorite song of the last four years. (My favorite, and the whole reason I did this post, still to appear later in the countdown). This song I literally cannot get out of my head, and I literally cannot stop rewinding whenever my shuffle lands on it.

2011 was a weird year for me, in that it was seven years after the worst year of my life. I blame this on my mom – bear with me here. My mom is big into studying the Jewish faith and culture right now. And apparently they teach this thing about how every seven years, your life cycles through. (I’d be lying if I said I totally grasped it, I tend to half-listen while on the phone with her at times, especially whenever religious themes get brought up.) Essentially, the idea is that what was horrendous seven years ago, you’re forgiven for seven years later, and given a fresh start and a more optimistic outlook. (No clue if the inverse is true. Given my luck, you probably do NOT want to be associated with me in 2018.)

Anyways, seven years ago, in the span of six weeks, I buried a good buddy of mine, I buried a guy that was like a second father, and I buried my last grandparent. (Good times! Not.) And that was arguably the HIGH point of the last six, seven months of that year. 2011? I only attended one funeral all year, and that was for someone who essentially died in 2010. Instead the opposite was true. Multiple weddings. Tons of fun road trips all summer long. A new job, a promotion, new responsibilities – where I worked seven years ago, I was in a position I hated, for a boss I despised. Now? I tolerate the job, and I cycled through not one, not two, but THREE bosses last year! Who says stability is overrated!

My typical long-winded point being, this song gets to me, just because I’m a reflective kind of guy. And when I look back at where I was seven years ago, versus where I’m at today? To quote the Vice President from his acceptance speech four years ago, “I’m a success. I’m one helluva surprising success!”

6. “Fake ID” by Big and Rich (with Gretchen Wilson). I saw exactly one movie in the theaters in 2011. Absolutely that movie was the “Footloose” remake, and one of my favorite scenes was in the country dive bar when Ren and Ariel and Dusty take over the floor as this song plays. (Probably because of Ren’s epic comeback to Willard when he notes “I can’t dance”. Said comeback? “It’s country line dancing! It’s a white guy’s wet dream!” That’s comedy.)

Plus ... (cover your eyes, mom and dad, if you’re reading ...) this kinda flashes me back to one of my brother’s most inspired ideas ever. I went to college in Texas, although I am from Kansas originally (now living on the Missouri side). And after about two or three weeks of constant “is this legit?!?!” questions of my Kansas ID after I turned 21 down there, I’d had enough, so I went and got a Texas state ID to ensure unlimited, unquestioned access to alcohol.

And it turned out to be the gift that kept giving ... because the corner of it wound up getting frayed, so my brother decided to co-op it for his college years (while underage), and managed to get a cropped photo of him on there where my photo used to be. Genius. Which I am definitely not the one in the family.

5. “Faded” by Soul Decision. (stevo ducking rotten tomatoes being hurled his way ...) Yes, its a crappy boy band from the early 2000s. Yes, its an epically awful song that having on your iPod is an indefensible crime. Having said that ... how can you top the chorus?

“I’m kind of faded but I feel alright /
Thinkin’ ‘bout making my move tonight /
I can’t pretend that you’re only my friend /
When you’re holding my body tight /

‘Cause I like the way you’re making him move /
And I like the way you’re making me wait /
And at the end of the night /
When I make up your mind /
You’ll be coming on home with me”

Now THAT’S what I call a love song!

(And admit it: if you clicked on the Youtube! link and listened? You kinda liked the song! "Think what we could do clothed!" NEVER fails to crack me up! To say nothing of the white guy rapping before you hit the final chorus. "Hi. Yo. I'm faded!" Jesus, how did the late, great "TRL" never retire this music video?!?!)

4. “Fooled Around and Fell In Love” by Elvin Bishop. A late 1970s classic that is criminitely underrated. I’ve always said this is DJ’s personal theme song. If the song fits, embrace it.

(And don't worry if you click the link and ask the obvious -- it's his only US hit as well.)

3. “The More I Drink” by Blake Shelton. Well hell, if the previous song is DJ’s personal anthem, then this one pretty much has to be mine, doesn’t it? Tell me the chorus to this song doesn’t describe me at a tailgate to the N at the end of my first name:

“Cause the more I drink?
The more I drink!
And I’m the world’s greatest lover
And a dancing machine!
I get loud! I get proud!
And it gets worse.

Well, if I have one?
I’ll have thirteen!
And there ain’t no in between.
Cause the more I drink?
Ooh, the more I drink!”

If he’d tossed in a throw-away line about “somehow losing my t-shirt”, in the bastardized words of Dan Fouts, “hey, that’s me!” At a tailgate. With the booze. (Oh hell yes, I just managed to get a “Clue” reference into this post! Greatest. Board. Game. Ever. And one HELLUVA criminitely underrated movie.)

2. “Toes” by Zac Brown Band. If 2011 was the best year of my life (and it’s in a very small list of potential nominees), then walking up and down the beach in Fort Lauderdale to and from my folks hotel in early November, in 80 degree weather, as this song played on said iPod, HAS to rank amongst the ten best moments of the year, if not of the decade. My God. I cannot believe I’m about to admit this ... but Dusty is a genius. The kid is a mother f*cking genius. And here’s why.

Schedule a week-long getaway every early fall or early spring to a warm, tropical climate? CHECK! CHECK!!! OH HELL TO THE MO FO YES CHECK!!!!!

(My way of saying ... Chiefs play at Tampa this fall. Let’s hope the NFL schedules that one in early December, not mid September. Because I NEED my beach week!

But this week’s “winner”? The song with more plays than any other? Is a song that apparently was released thirteen months ago ... and I never knew it. And that song is ...

1. “My Kind of Crazy” by Brantley Gilbert.

In the last five years, only one song has ever hit me like this song did when I finally heard it earlier this week on XM 59, The Highway. (And go figure – I’ve had this song downloaded for FOUR MONTHS ... and haven’t listened to it once until this week.)

That song was “Come On Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson. This one? I like even better than that one.

If you spend $1.29 on ANYTHING in the next week? This is well worth the investment.

"Yeah and she's my kind of crazy /
Little games she plays? Lord will never get old /
She's too cute to get on my last nerve /

The way she throws her little fits /
Pokin' out her lip and bitin' mine when we kiss /
There ain't a fight that she can't win /
That's my baby ... and she's my kind of crazy."

Here's top hoping 2012 is when Stevo finally finds "his kind of crazy" ... although sweet Jesus, how f*cked up has THAT chick got to be, to be MY kind of "crazy"? Damn I want to find out ...

sotu 2012: stevo reacts

2012-01-25T21:36:00.001-06:00

“You can fool some of the people some of the time, and most of the people most of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time” – Abraham Lincoln.

------------------------------------

If President Obama was going to use a Lincoln reference in last night’s embarrassing, pathetic, vomit-inducing State of the Union speech, that’s the Lincoln reference he should have used.

I sat like a slack-jawed yokel for at least 55 of the approximately 70 minutes the President took up last night, amazed at his incredible ability to simply ignore reality and lie to the masses. Honestly, Bill Clinton had to be somewhere with the same slack-jawed yokel look on his face. “Really? They attempt to impeach me for lying less brazenly than this guy did?!?!” If I wasn’t a political junkie, I probably would have turned the channel. Instead, I dealt with the absolute horseshit on my television screen in true Stevo-style: I cracked open a Budweiser ... then threw the empty can across the room at the flat screen.

Sadly for the President, the can(s) failed to destroy my TV, so I won’t be contributing to this “economic recovery” tonight via a new electronics purchase. But I am putting my $.02 out there, via my thoughts on the most disgraceful Presidential address ever delivered to a joint session of Congress.

And that’s CHANGE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN BABY!!! (rimshot!!!)

Here then are a few random thoughts I have regarding what hopefully is the rock-bottom moment of the most wasted administration in history ...

* I watched MSNBC leading up to the speech, because (a) despite my feelings about this asshat currently occupying the Oval Office, I still believe in “the cause” (aka “I’m a liberal”), and (b) Chris Matthews is every bit as unhinged about this administration as I am. Again, you can fool some people, and most people, but not all people. Anyone with a functioning brain and a IQ level of over 35 saw this trainwreck of an administration coming four f*cking years ago. It’s why we backed Hillary, and voted McCain, no matter which side of the aisle you reside on politically. If you were a Democrat? McCain was an acceptable alternative, someone who wouldn’t embarrass himself or his nation, or make you think “sweet Jesus, I need to make sure my passport is current, its time to move to Mexico!!!” And if you were a Republican? The same applied to Hillary.

Last night? Was EXACTLY why we felt the way we did in 2008. Because the ONLY achievements this President has to tout? Are all related to foreign policy. Who runs his foreign policy? Hillary. (And Leon Panetta, a loyal Hillary supporter and Clinton administration staffer). What does it say that the ONLY thing you can justify your re-election on, is what your primary rival has done for you?

* Also, I watch MSNBC ... because the other hosts are ready to lynch Reverend Al. The hatred they all have for him is hysterical. Lawrence O’Donnell doesn’t even bother with the “Reverend” anymore, he just derisively calls him “Al”, or sarcastically calls him “Sharpy”. Ed Schultz looked ready to reach across two anchors and a desk and strangle Reverend Al. And poor Rachel Maddow. In the interest of full disclosure, I love Rachel Maddow. But not even she can referee this trainwreck of a broadcast.

(My way of saying: only seven months to the conventions!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!)

* There were a few highlights on the night, as embarrassing as the spectacle was, and the first one I know MSNBC caught. (I didn’t flip down to CNN, CSPAN, or Faux News ... excuse me, FOX News, even once. I did switch to ABC once the speech began, because they’re pretty much the last unbiased network left on our airwaves.) And the first highlight was when Rep. Giffords took her seat on near the front of the chamber. Both sides of the aisle stood and applauded as one ... and in a sincere display of class, dignity, and bi-partisanship, Majority Leader Cantor walked over and extended warm greetings to Rep. Giffords. There’s a time and a place to have your differences. This wasn’t one of them, and kudos to Rep. Cantor for his class.

* Not sure whose fake tan was worse, Vice President Biden or Speaker Boehner. They both clearly went for the spray-on.

* The second highlight: when the House Speaker at Arms introduced the President. I don’t care who the President is, and God knows I haven’t cared for anyone we’ve elected in this century ... that moment gives me chills, because for however long it takes for the President to meet-n-greet and reach the podium, and then the Speaker officially introduces said President to the assembled, it’s America at it’s finest – every elected and appointed officer of government in the House giving the President the respect he is deserved. That moment never fails to uplift me.

* Cheap intended campaign stunt that didn’t bother me: the President spending a few moments with Rep. Giffords. It looked genuine. And I believe that it was. Whatever I may think of this President, and I don’t think much of him, he is a decent person, and he deserves respect for that. (Funny, I used to type that EXACT SAME SENTENCE about the man who preceded him in the office.)

* I’d love to have known what Obama and Boehner and Biden were chuckling about as Obama delivered the printed copies of the speech to them. Sidetrack here for a second: how great would it have been if Biden was Clinton’s VP, with Gingrich up there to boot? You KNOW they’d be ogling every decent looking chick in the audience. “What’s her “reputable singles site” handle?” “Oh you got it! Sweet! IM it to me!” Yeah, I miss the Clinton years sometimes.

* OK let’s do this.

Right off the bat, he begins with a lie of epic proportions, that he “ended the Iraq war”. No sir, you did not. OK, technically you did ... but the “end” of the war was locked into place BEFORE YOU SOUGHT THE NOMINATION, let alone won the office.

And while I’m at it ... look it, you will find no bigger basher of W than me, but to not credit his predecessor in ANY way, shape or form last night, was DISGRACEFUL. Even President Clinton to this day credits his predecessor, George H. W. Bush, for getting the economic recovery underway with the 1990 budget, and Clinton never fails to credit his successor when the occasion calls for it. And NOBODY will ever accuse President Clinton of operating with “class” or “dignity” or “integrity”. Barry not pointing out that we achieved success in Iraq because W refused to allow us to fail, and doubled down with General Petraeus, is a disgrace that I wish SOMEONE besides me would call him on.

* “For the first time in two decades, osama bin ladin is not a threat to this country”. I don’t know what angered me more – that Republicans REFUSED as one to stand up and give this line the applause line of the night ... or that Obama thought so little of the achievement that the ONLY major reference of it was in the second paragraph of his speech? Either way, its tasteless.

* Obama fudging the job numbers. Correctly notes that we lost 4 million jobs in 2008, another 4 million in 2009. But hey, we created 3 million since then!

Uuh, Barry? That’s a NEGATIVE five million! Which, if you exchange “million” for “trillion”, is the EXACT amount of money you’ve run up in national debt to “accomplish” that! Christ, what an idiot.

* I get that my side (stupidly) strongly backs union labor ... but who in God’s name thinks resurrecting long-gone manufacturing jobs is going to solve our economic crisis? Well Obama does, for one, which is example 1,938,563,684 why he’s the most incompetent boob to ever hold the Oval Office. La de f*cking da, that Master Lock is “restoring manufacturing jobs”. Manufacturing is a DYING industry. ANY company that invests in it is as mentally retarded as Peter’s horse on “Family Guy”. That, or they’re searching desperately for a tax write-off via operating losses.

* One thing I will praise the President on: it is OUTRAGEOUS that companies that operate in America can shift jobs and profits overseas to “save” money. OUTRAGEOUS. Set aside the tax implications – its OUTRAGEOUS from a patriotic standpoint.

One thing I wish President Obama would do is NAME these piece of shit corporations, OUT THEM, SHAME THEM into doing the right thing by their country. I know Barry won’t do it, because any corporation is a potential donor after all. But he SHOULD.

If, you know, he gave a damn about the present or the future of the country.

* One thing I did like about the speech last night – the CONSTANT gambling references! “We bet on”, “we rolled the dice on”, “we doubled down on”. Yes. Like Meg Ryan said in “Sleepless in Seattle”, “YES! YES!! YES!!!!!”

* I actually strongly support Obama’s idea to link corporations to community colleges for job retraining. This is a very good idea. Too bad Barry will refuse to allow any non-union company to take advantage of it, or any conservatively run company.

* Hate, hate, HATE the “keep kids in school mandatorily until they’re 18” idea. Who does Barry think he is, Chairman Obama? Oh. Wait. (Well, it is a legitimate question.) No. This is an IDIOTIC idea. We live in America. If you want to piss your life away by dropping out of high school, you have the right to do so! Or, if like a good friend of mine, you decide high school is worthless, so you take the tests to graduate early and move on to college, GREAT! Age is just a number. Some 16 year olds are ready for what lies after high school, just like some 37 year olds act like some 35 years younger than them. What can I say, shit happens.

* Obama claiming to take on illegal immigration is almost as laughable as me taking on alcoholism. And I’ll leave it at that.

Well no, I won’t, because most everything he supported last night to address the problem I agree with, not the least of which is education for children of illegals ... but seriously Barry? You’re “dealing” with illegal immgration? How’s that “Fast and Furious” gun trade program working out?

* OK, I agree with investing in newer “green” energies, and I STRONGLY support ending ANY and ALL federal subsidies for oil and gas exploration ... but really Barack? You’re doubling down on Solyndra? That’s priceless.

* And wait – we can now explore / build / create “new green energies” on national land ... YET WE CAN’T DRILL IN ANWR?!?!?!?!?! My head hurts. ANWR is a sheet of ice that NOONE lives in, will NEVER live in, and that offers up to 140 million barrels of oil a day to be delivered. Yet we CAN’T drill there, but CAN create massive wind turbines in Yellowstone National Park?!?!?!?!?!?!

Then again, given that Obama just refused the Keystone Pipeline, which only would have sent billions of barrels of oil to the United States, created thousands of new jobs, all at NO COST to us? I’d expect nothing less from the biggest fraud to ever call 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue home.

* I’m fine with letting people refinance their homes. You get no sympathy for greedy bankers from me. I live in a part of town DEVASTATED by people simply trying to live the dream, only to see it implode on them when shitty loans and a crappy job market blew up in their face. You get NO sympathy for lending institutions from me.

* Obama claiming to reign in regulation is almost as hysterical as me claiming “50+!!!” partners on “reputable singles site”. Come on. Nobody’s buying it Barry. NOBODY.

* The tax hike Barry wants to prevent? Is the expiration of the repeal on the payroll tax. The payroll tax? FUNDS SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE!!! I swear to Christ, this man drives me bat shit crazy. How can you be SERIOUS about reforming entitlements when you DON’T WANT TO FUND THEM?!?!

I said this a year ago, and I stand behind it even more strongly today: Barack Obama has SINGLE HANDEDLY ensured the Democrats will not win the White House again until I am 55 ... and won’t hold a house of Congress after 2012 until at least 2020. He’s WORSE than Jimmy Carter (who screwed the Dems for 12 years, and if Clinton hadn’t been in the perfect place at the perfect time, would have for 28 years).

* This Buffett tax crap is just that – CRAP. Buffett (and Mitt Romney) make ALL their income off investments. Investments are taxed at 15% because ONLY RETIREES TEND TO LIVE OFF INVESTMENT INCOME!!! So to screw Warren Buffett or Mitt Romney, you want to screw MILLIONS of other Americans as a result?

Christ, does ANYONE in the Obama regime understand Basic Living 101? Look it, in the interest of full disclosure, I STRONGLY favor a national flat tax, in which ALL income is taxed at the same percentage, REGARDLESS of income. I think 15% is a fair percentage. If you earn 15,000, you pay 2,250. If you earn 60,000? You pay 7,500. If you earn a million? You pay 150,000. Its the way to go (along with a national VAT or sales tax). But until we reach that point, degrading people who PLAY BY THE RULES is PATHETIC. It is DISGRACEFUL. As was nearly 99% of Obama’s speech last night.

* “I’m a Democrat. But I believe what Republican Abraham Lincoln said. That government should only do for people what they cannot do better by themselves, and no more”. Yes, the President actually said that last night. Hang on, I’ll give you 90 some odd seconds to laugh your ass off at the utter ridiculousness of a socialist saying “government should stay out of your life”.

(cue “longest “jeopardy” theme song music theme ever ...)

Oh wait, it gets better! He “doubles down” on the previous sentence!

“The point is, we should all want a smaller, more effective government”. Really! Since when Mr. President? Since when?

* When earlier I noted he DIDN’T note his predecessor’s role in winning in Iraq, killing bin ladin, gaining international support opposing Iran, and inciting the wave of freedom currently engulfing the Middle East? I stand corrected! Barry DID mention them, by noting:

“One of my proudest possessions is the flag the SEAL team took with them on the mission to get bin ladin. On it are each of their names. Some may be Democrats. Some may be Republicans. But that doesn’t matter. Just like it didn’t matter the day I sat in the Situation Room, when I sat next to Bob Gates – a man who was George Bush’s defense secretary – and Hillary Clinton, a woman who ran against me for President”.

Well, how conciliatory and classy, Mr. President. They aren’t YOUR Defense and State Secretaries ... they’re “George Bush’s” and the “woman who ran against me”.

This isn’t my biggest bitch about Obama, but it’s close: God forbid you credit those who went before you! It’s ok to admit you aren’t the greatest bag of potato chips to ever be picked off the shelf, Barry. The American public (correctly) recognizes the AMAZING thing you authorized AND accomplished in killing osama bin ladin! Cue up any clip on Youtube!, especially the Phillies / Mets game that night, when (most of us) found out about the kill because 50,000 baseball fans start screaming “USA! USA! USA!” for ten straight minutes during a baseball game. We get it.

Having said that ... one thing I will eternally credit W for ... is that he NEVER blamed who came before him, and CONSTANTLY praised his predecessors when they earned it. He bit the bullet, and shared the credit. THAT’S what a leader is, sir. You? Are ANYTHING but that.

* “As long as we’re joined together in common purpose, as long as we maintain our common resolve, our journey moves forward, our future, is hopeful, and the State of our Union will only be strong. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America!”

At least he ended well.

Last night? Is why the Republicans are winning a potential 45 states and the District landslide in November. Because NO sane person bought a word that Barry said last night.

And more specifically, its about what he DIDN’T say. Namely ... if you pass through the Congress THE most landscape-changing piece of legislation of most Americans lifetimes, and you don’t give it more than a throw-away line halfway through the speech?

Then WHY ARE YOU RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION?

Whatever you think of the Health Care Affordability Act ... it is THE most significant act to pass the Congress since the Civil Rights Act of 1965. And Obama simply gives it a throw away line.

(For what its worth, I agree with 85 some odd percent of the act. Its DEFINITELY a step in the RIGHT direction, capitalization of RIGHT (pun) intended.)

Which is why last night’s speech was so tasteless. Obama refused to take credit for his domestic successes. He stole credit for his foreign policy successes (of which he has MANY) from his predecessor, from his 2008 rival, and from the brave men and women who made his achievements possible.

And most damning of all, he’s rushing full speed ahead into the torpedo that Mitt Romney represents. I’m not a huge Romney fan – again, I back Gingrich.

But after three offical State of the Union addresses (and one unofficial) ... I find myself in the same exact spot I was four years ago at this time. And that spot is a two fold question:

1. Why would ANY sane person back this empty suit? And ...
2. Is there ANYONE in the Republican Party capable of beating this guy?

I have no answer for question 1. I FEAR I have no answer for question 2 ...

gop debate! live blog!

2012-01-19T18:55:00.003-06:00

divisional round picks

2012-01-14T15:05:00.000-06:00

Last Week SU: 3-1
Last Week ATS: 2-2

The Quick Divisional Round Picks:

* at 49ers (+4) 30, Saints 27. As someone who still somewhat longs for the glory days of the early to mid 1990s ... how awesome is it to see the 49ers hosting a divisional round game? It’s been awhile.

The last two home playoff games the 49ers have hosted ... are amongst the ten greatest games in NFL history. Nine years ago, the 49ers hosted the Giants in a wildcard game following the 2002 season ... and promptly fell behind 38-14 as the third quarter rapidly drew to a close.

Then ... magic happened, as the 49ers scored 25 unanswered points, survived a last second botched field goal, and emerged as a one point winner in one of the wackiest wildcard games every played.

But as wacky as that one was? Is how epic the previous one was, four years earlier, on my 22nd birthday. 49ers. Packers. To this day, if I am asked “Stevo, what’s the greatest NFL game you’ve ever watched”, that is instantly my answer. Don Starkey with the perfect call. “ Owens! Owens! He caught it! He caught it!” How else do you describe a play like that, other than stating the obvious?

I don’t expect as great a game this afternoon as either of those two were ... but I expect a really good contest that the home team finds a way to survive. Barely.

* at Packers (-7 ½) 41, Giants 20. I don’t get the love for the Giants in this one. For starters, this isn’t four years ago. The Packers don’t have a turnover machine under center, it’s not going to be 15 below zero at kickoff, and the Giants aren’t as good (and the Packers are more talented) than those 2007 squads were.

I expect a solid Packers victory Sunday afternoon. I don’t know why anyone else doesn’t.

* at Ravens 13, Texans (+7 ½) 10. The toughest game on the board to predict. It’s hard to believe, given how successful they have been, that this is John Harbaugh and Joe Flacco’s first postseason home game. It is not hard to believe, given how crappy they have been, that this is the Texans first ever postseason road game.

I’m really looking forward to watching these two defenses go at it. I’m not looking forward to watching these two offenses go at it. If this game was at Reliant, I’d probably pick Houston to win. Since it’s in Baltimore, I’ll take the Ravens on a late field goal ... although I’m not sold on it, and I’ll be rooting for Houston.

Finally ...

* tebows (+13 ½) 44, at Patriots 41. For five reasons:

1. I rewatched the Pats at denver game last night, thanks to a (really bad) stretch of blackjack at Ameristar, and them having the NFL Network on. Here’s what I took from that game: denver was competitive. Two huge plays swung that game – tebow’s fumble (that I thought was an incomplete pass), and the fumbled punt with :03 left in the half. It gave the Pats 11 free points. They won by 18, and denver was driving when tebow fumbled. In essense, if those two plays don’t occur? Overtime. (Which is what I project this game to end with.)

2. Its the Saturday Night prime time game! Wacky shit ALWAYS happens in this slot! At the risk of rehashing history, we’re entering year 11 of prime time playoff football, and every year, at least one game in the prime time slots (there’s three total) delivers a “wait, what?!?!” performance. Unless you think next week’s NFC Title Game is that game ... this is your nominee.

3. The Patriots haven’t won a playoff game since “Deadbeat Ex Roommate” was still in good standing with me and DJ. Let that one sink in – we were still three months away from forcibly evicting Ben the last time the Patriots won a playoff game. Senator Clinton was still the presumptive Democratic nominee the last time the Patriots won a playoff game. (OK, let’s pretend the entire 2008 primary never occurred. It’s been four years, and I am still in denial. And yes, I know I am long overdue with a “Stevo looks at the Republican field” post. We’re ten days away from (depending on who opposes him: hopefully) President Obama’s final State of the Union address. I’d probably better get on that “look at the potential opponents” post ...)

Point being, this ain’t your little brother’s Patriots team anymore. They’re beatable. Especially at home, where they’re 0 for their last 2 over the last two seasons.

4. If tebow can throw for 316 yards against (statistically) the BEST pass defense in the NFL last week, uum, how to put this delicately ... what do you think he can do against (statistically) the WORST pass defense in the NFL tonight?

Conversely ...

5. Why doesn’t this have the making of a shootout all over it? It’s not like denver’s defense is the second coming of Gunther’s mid-1990s Chiefs squads.

It all adds up in my brain. Two red hot quarterbacks. Wacky Saturday night slot. Two brilliant defensive head coaches with no idea how to stop the other team’s unconventional offense.

I’m betting on the tebows. Plus, admit it – deep down, even if you hate the tebows as much as I do ... you really, really, really want to see the tebows face Ray Lewis next week. Good versus evil in the purest form of each word. A word of advice timmy – if Ray offers you a ride in a limo to the game, pass on the offer. On second thought, you are a bronco. Accept that offer champ, accept away ...

2011 chiefs in (p)review part cinco: the offseason moves

2012-01-10T22:27:00.003-06:00

In case you missed the earlier posts:

Part One: The Highs and Lows of 2011
Part Two: The Grades for 2011
Part Three: The Dream 2012 Schedule
Part Four: The (New) Coaching Staff?

And now, the final installment (for now) of the 2011 Chiefs Season in (P)review! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I should probably note up front, a few of my ideal moves, ain't gonna happen. (Much like Bill Callahan as offensive coordinator -- that went out the window earlier today when the Cowboys hired him as offensive line / assistant head coach.) But read through the ten pages, my ideas make (some) sense, and would result in a much stronger team entering 2012 than we closed (or entered) 2011 with ...

-----------------------

Yesterday, the Chiefs hired their head coach. But the bottom line is that the head coach doesn't matter worth a hill of beans if he doesn't have talented players to preside over.

The good news for Chiefs fans, is that the core of this team is pretty solid. Hell, it was solid enough to overcome season ending injuries to five of the eight most valuable, important players on the roster, and be a missed field goal away from winning the division. Brandon Siler, Eric Berry, Tony Moeaki, Jamaal Charles, and Matt Cassel all missed at least half the season. You get those five guys back out on the field? The Chiefs find a way to get to win number eight and host a playoff game.

But just getting those five guys back isn't enough. There are definite areas the Chiefs need to upgrade (I'm looking at you, right tackle), and areas they definintely need to improve their depth at (hello, safety position). So let's go position by position. See what the Chiefs currently have, and what (if any) changes we can expect or hope to see at said position.

* Quarterback.
Current Depth Chart: Cassel, Orton, Palko, Stanzi.
Likely to Return: Cassel.
Free Agent(s): Orton.
Unlikely to Return: Palko.

Thoughts: I've talked myself into year four of the Matt Cassel experiment, simply because what alternative is there? Trading for Luck or Griffin is too costly. That, and there's value in the later rounds this year at the position that makes sitting a justified move. To say nothing of the fact that the QB at the collegiate level I like the most, is still a year away from declaring for the draft (Aaron Murray at Georgia).

Free agency? Sweet Jesus, have you SEEN the free agent crop at quarterback? If (like me) you believe the Saints will lock up Drew Brees before March 4th, and if (like me) you believe there's no way Peyton Manning hits the market, this is your depth chart of availability:

* Matt Flynn. Uum, no thanks? We've been down the "backup to a superstar turns in a quality game or three in relief of said superstar, so let's sign him!" road before. (See Grbac, Elvis).

* Alex Smith. The whole point of utilizing free agency is to IMPROVE the position. Alex Smith is not an improvement over Matt Cassel. And for the record, neither is

* Kyle Orton. If the Chiefs opt for Orton over Cassel, I might cancel my tickets. I am fully aware Kyle Orton went 2-1 under center. I also attended two of those three games, and watched the third one. The offense got WORSE every week, going from 5 scoring drives, to 3, to 1 in the finale. In addition, Orton was a turnover machine against the raiders, directly helping cost the Chiefs the division. Orton is NOT an upgrade on Cassel. Not even close.

* Jason Campbell. I have to admit, this one intrigues me ... but I'd still rather have Cassel.

* Chad Henne. Uuh, no. Ditto to Donovan McNabb, Vince Young, David Garrard, Rex Grossman, and Brady Quinn, all unrestricted free agents.

Help at the position, an upgrade at the position, isn't coming via free agency.

But it can come via the draft. What frustrates me with all the Luck vs Griffin talk, and Barkley and Landry Jones before that ... is that there's another ready-to-start-now prospect in this draft, who unlike Andrew Luck, has won meaningful games at the collegiate level, and who unlike Robert Griffin III, has won a BCS bowl game -- twice.

That guy ... is Kellen Moore of Boise State. Here's the relevant stats on the guy:

* 50-3 as a starter (NCAA all time record holder for most wins).
* 2008, led Boise to a 12-0 regular season, including a win at Oregon. Boise finished ranked #9. Only loss was to #19 TCU in the Poinsettia Bowl.
* 2009, led Boise to a 13-0 season, capped by a win over #3 TCU in the Fiesta Bowl. Boise also beat Oregon again along the way to finishing ranked #4.
* 2010, led Boise to a 12-1 season, which included wins over ACC champion Virginia Tech, WAC champion Utah, and demolishing a 9 win Oregon State team, en route to finishing with the #10 ranking. Only defeat was at #19 Nevada in overtime.
* 2011, led Boise to a 12-1 season, including a road win at SEC East champion Georgia. Only defeat was by one point to #24 TCU.

Let that sink in -- 50-3 as a starter, and the three losses, were twice by one point to TCU, and by a field goal in overtime to a ranked conference foe. What does that also say? For all this bullshit about Boise being in a smaller / minor conference ... EVERY time Kellen Moore faced a BCS team, he BEAT them. All on the road, save for Oregon at home in 2009. He won at Georgia, at Oregon, at Oregon State, on a neutral field against Virginia Tech, Utah, Arizona State. The kid is a winner.

* You say "well great Stevo, he's a "winner", whatever that means, but is he any good?" Is he any good? Are you kidding me?

* 2008: 281 / 405, 3,486 yards, 25 TD / 10 INT, 157.1 rating.
* 2009: 277 / 431, 3,536 yards, 39 TD / 3 INT, 161.7 rating.
* 2010: 273 / 383, 3,845 yards, 35 TD / 6 INT, 182.6 rating.
* 2011: 326 / 439, 3,800 yards, 43 TD / 9 INT, 175.2 rating.

He got better every season he was under center ... and yet, he also was consistent. Look at the stats. He consistently completed 65 plus percent, had a tremendous TD to INT ratio, and average throwing for 275 yards / game throughout his career. Uum, if we're looking to UPGRADE the quarterback position (and Scott Pioli had better be looking to do that), why wouldn't you give this kid a look?

Kiper projects him as a fourth rounder, possibly sliding into round five. I would absolutely use the 11th pick of the 4th round on Kellen Moore, and if I had to, I'd use the 11th pick of the 3rd round on him.

Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Cassel, Moore (draft), Stanzi or some other clipboard holder.

* Running Back.
Current Depth Chart: T Jones, Charles, Battle, McCluster; McClain (FB).
Likely to Return: Charles, McCluster, Battle.
Free Agent(s): T Jones, McClain.
Unlikely to Return: T Jones.

Thoughts: If Charles is healthy, this is a position of strength for the Chiefs. Jackie Battle isn't making a Pro Bowl anytime soon, but he's proven this season that he can deliver in a crunch. DMC isn't going to rush for 115 yards anytime soon, but he's a solid change of pace back that is epically dangerous when he gets in open space.

I would resign Le'Ron McClain if the price is right. I liked the leadership he brought to the team last year, and he's no worse than Thomas Jones is at gaining a 3rd or 4th and short.

I would not, under any circumstance or situation, or for any price, bring back Thomas Jones. Every time he touches the ball, the Chiefs are worse off because of it. TJ was a solid signing last year. He'd be a horrendous decision in 2012.

As for upgrading the position via free agency, there's a number of talented backs out there, including:

* Ray Rice, Ravens.
* Matt Forte, Bears.
* Ryan Grant, Packers.
* Peyton Hillis, Browns.
* Mike Tolbert, Chargers.
* Marshawn Lynch, Seahawks.
* Cedric Benson, Bengals.
* Arian Foster, Texans (restricted).

If I was running the Chiefs, knowing I have to spend at least $20-$22 million MORE in 2012 than I did in 2011 simply to comply with the new CBA spending rules ... I'd take a page out of Carl Peterson's playbook from ten years ago, when he took a chance on an injured running back coming off a brutal knee injury, believing the guy would come back ready to prove himself. Carl signed Priest Holmes in the 2001 offseason when nobody else would even sniff at the guy. I'd say that worked out pretty well. If I was Scott Pioli, I'd be targeting Matt Forte. The knee injury he suffered (ironically, against the Chiefs) should drive his price down. He's already got a chip on his shoulder over the Bears refusal to resign him before or during the 2011 season. Offer him a 3 year deal with a decent signing bonus, and see what happens. Can you imagine a backfield with Charles, DMC, and Forte? (stevo drooling with anticipation ...)

Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Charles, Forte (free agent), Battle, DMC; McClain (FB).

* Wide Receiver.
Current Depth Chart: D Bowe, Breaston, Baldwin, Copper, Urban, Horne.
Likely to Return: Breaston, Baldwin, Copper.
Free Agent(s): D Bowe, Urban, Horne.
Unlikely to Return: none?

Thoughts: I am fine with Dwayne Bowe returning if the price is right. I would NOT use the franchise tag on Bowe. That's too much for a receiver that consistently screws up on the field. If he wants to return for a market-value extension, great. If not? The crop of receivers in free agency and the draft is more than deep enough to at least tread water at the position.

Some free agents to look at would include:

* Reggie Wayne, Colts.
* Wes Welker, Patriots.
* Vincent Jackson, Chargers.
* DeSean Jackson, Eagles.
* Marques Colston, Saints.
* Brandon Lloyd, Rams.
* Stevie Johnson, Bills.
* Mario Manningham, Giants.
* Mike Wallace, Steelers (restricted).

Some college players to kick the tires of would include:

* Justin Blackmon, Oklahoma State.
* Michael Floyd, Notre Dame.
* Kendall Wright, Baylor.
* Nick Toon, Wisconsin.

And the most intriguing player at the position, given that like Matt Forte at running back, he's coming off of injury that should deflate his value:

* Ryan Broyles, Oklahoma.

I'd love to see the Chiefs draft Broyles on day three. I'd also love to see us pursue Marques Colston, who not only is a deep threat, he's the short receiving threat / guaranteed catch we haven't had at the position since Kevin Lockett was here. To be fair, we didn't need the "3rd and 6, gets 7 every time" guy at wide receiver, because we had it for years at tight end in Tony Gonzalez. Now? We need the sure-handed catch guy who gets the extra six inches to keep the drive alive. Dwayne Bowe, despite all his talent, is not that guy. Jon Baldwin is not that guy. Steve Breaston might be ... but why force a square peg into a round hole if you don't have to? Draft Broyles, sign Colston, and keep Copper and Urban around for special teams play and depth at the position.

Ideal Depth Chart in 2012: Baldwin, Colston (free agent), Breaston, Broyles (draft), Copper, Urban.

* Tight End.
Current Depth Chart: Moeaki, Pope, O'Connell, Becht.
Free Agent(s): Becht (likely to retire).
Unlikely to Return: O'Connell, Becht.

Thoughts: a depth chart of Moeaki, Pope, and guy there for his blocking skills works for me. There's only two free agents at tight end I'd even consider making a play for, JerMichael Finley (Packers), and Visanthe Shiancoe (Vikings). Neither really fills a need though -- Moeaki is supremely talented, albeit injury-bit ... and Pope has proven he can more than handle the position when Moeaki goes down.

I'd bring back Moeaki and Pope, try to sign a veteran for power formations (Bo Scaife from the Bengals perhaps?), and basically leave this position alone for 2012. It worked in 2011. No need to screw with what ain't broke.

Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Moeaki, Pope, veteran backup for depth.

* Offensive Line.
Current Depth Chart:
Tackle: Albert, Mims (left); Richardson, Maneri (right).
Guard: Lilja (left); Asomoah (right).
Center: Weigmann, Hudson (also backs up guard).
Free Agent(s): Weigmann, Richardson.
Unlikely to Return: Weigmann, Maneri, Richardson.

Thoughts: Casey Weigmann is likely to retire, and Rodney Hudson is more than ready to step into the starting center role. The Chiefs are also set at guard for at least one more season, with Ryan Lilja still likely having two productive years left, and Jon Asomoah rapidly developing into a top ten guard. And whichever side Branden Albert mans the tackle slot on, is set for the next decade. (I personally prefer him at right tackle, especially if we draft, develop, and eventually start Kellen Moore, since Moore is a lefty ... but good luck finding a competent blind-side guard in the free agent market. Like competent starting quarterbacks, they rarely if ever reach free agency because they're so difficult to find).

Which leaves three huge holes to fill. We need a backup guard, since we no longer have one. Ideally the backup guard can also back up Hudson at center, saving a roster spot. We need a backup tackle, as Mims is a project and Maneri is worthless.

And ... uum ... well, how to put this delicately.

The single biggest glaring hole on the team is at right tackle. If Barry Richardson is starting come September 10th, Scott Pioli has flunked his offseason.

Richardson is a competent quality backup. Unfortunately, he's starting as things currently stand, and as they stood all season long. Arrowhead Pride had a link a little over a month ago that just really says it all. There are 76 qualifying tackles in the NFL this year (meaning they played at least one game at the tackle position). Ol' Barry ranks 75th against the pass. 75th out of 76. But, you say, that's just against the pass, and his strength is run blocking, right? Right?

Ol' Barry ranks 76th (out of 76) against the run.

He can't pass protect. He can't run block. He's called for an ungodly amount of penalties. We're barely a year removed from him throwing down with his head coach on the sidelines. Yes, Chiefs fans, THIS is priority one in the offseason, finding someone who ranks at least 74th in a major offensive line category to replace Ol' Barry.

Before I get to potential draft picks, here are the free agent tackles I'd be kicking the tires of:

* Demetrius Bell, Bills. Probably the best tackle available, and has started on both sides.
* khalif barnes, raiders. Anytime you can improve yourself and weaken a divisional rival, it's a move worth considering.
* Mark LeVoir, Ravens. Ravens have serious cap issues, and he might be able to walk as a result.

Not much of a crowd, huh? It honestly wouldn't shock me if the Chiefs took a chance on a reclaimation project, like Cardinals T Levi Brown (former first round pick), or Robert Turner of the Jets (horrendous year). But no matter what, I will be really shocked if Barry Richardson is starting on September 10th. Shocked and infuriated.

As for drafting an offensive lineman ... I know some people think that because it's your area of highest priority, that it's ok to devote a top 12 pick to a lineman. I say, hell no! Unless you are willing to risk your entire career on that lineman developing into a 10 time Pro Bowler and a first ballot Hall of Famer, and if you're wrong on that belief, like I said, you've just risked your entire career, unless you feel that strongly about a lineman? You NEVER use a first round pick on a lineman. It's not worth the tradeoff. With your first selection (which for most teams is in the first round ... but for the raiders this year? It's round six. Ah oakland, the gift that never quits giving!), you HAVE to select a skill position player. You have to.

Offensive line is the one position you absolutely are guaranteed to find quality at on day two and (especially) day three. Don't believe me? Here's a look at some of the best linemen the Chiefs have employed recently, and how we acquired them:

* Willie Roaf: acquired for a fourth round pick.
* Will Shields: drafted in the third round.
* Casey Weigmann: acquired in free agency.
* Ryan Lilja: acquired in free agency.
* Tim Grunhard: drafted in the second round.
* Dave Szott: drafted in the seventh round.

The only three first round linemen the Chiefs have drafted that have amounted to anything? John Tait (who bolted in free agency after his fourth year), John Alt (solid 10 year career that included a couple Pro Bowls), and Branden Albert.

Are ANY of those three players worth the 11th pick in the draft?

(Nope).

Ideal Depth Chart for 2012:
Tackle: Albert (left), Bell (right) (free agent); veteran backup for depth.
Guard: Lilja (left), Asomoah (right); promising rookie for depth (Lilja is the next to go).
Center: Hudson, veteran backup for depth.

* Kicking Specialists:
Place Kicker: Ryan Succup.
Punter: Dusty Colquitt.
Long Snapper: Thomas Gafford.
Returners: Javier Arenas, DMC.
Free Agent(s): none.
Unlikely to Return: none.

Thoughts: why fix what ain't broke? I'd expect to see all five specialists return in their roles in 2012.

* Defensive Line.
Current Depth Chart:
End: Dorsey (right), Jackson (left); Gilberry, Bailey, Gordon.
Tackle: Gregg; Powe.
Free Agent(s): Gregg, Gilberry.
Unlikely to Return: Gregg.

Thoughts: If left tackle is priority one, then nose tackle has to be priority two. Kelly Gregg simply did not get the job done this year, and has to be upgraded in 2012. Thankfully, the tackle I wanted the Chiefs to sign last year? Had a very disappointing season with New Orleans this fall, and is a free agent once again, and that is Abraeyo Franklin. A sensible multi-year offer should get the job done.

I'd also seek to upgrade the left defensive end position. Yes, Tyson Jackson got better as the year got along ... but he STILL isn't worth the 3rd overall pick in the draft three years later. If the Chiefs think Jackson will continue to improve, then keep him, but there's nothing wrong with upgrading the spot. If you're looking for a quick one or two year upgrade that won't damage your cap long-term, and will tremendously improve your pass rush in the short term, look at DE John Abraham of the Falcons.

Other free agents to consider:

* Robert Mathis, DE, Colts. (Likely to be resigned).
* Jason Jones, DT, Titans. (Virtual lock to be resigned).
* Cliff Avril, DE, Lions.
* Abomi Okoye, DT, Bears. (If only to have an Okoye on the roster again).

Ideal Depth Chart in 2012:
End: Dorsey (right), Abraham (left) (free agent); Bailey, Gordon, veteran backup for depth.
Tackle: Franklin (free agent); Powe, promising rookie for depth.

* Linebacker.
Current Depth Chart:
Outside: Houston (left), Hali (right); Studebaker, Sheffield.
Inside: Belcher (left), DJ (right); Siler, Williams, Greenwood.
Free Agent(s): Belcher (restricted); Greenwood (exclusive rights).
Unlikely to Return: Williams.

Thoughts: I think the Chiefs are set at all four starting positions for at least the next five years, barring injury ... or Justin Houston testing positive for weed again. DJ and Hali are Pro Bowlers on an annual basis. Justin Houston is going to be a really good one, and Jovan Belcher really impressed me this year. I expect the Chiefs to match any offer to Belcher, and they'll no doubt tender Cory Greenwood to retain him. Which means really, all you're looking for is depth to replace the worthless corpse of Demorrio Williams.

(Editors note: forgot to mention, don't underestimate how huge the return of Brandon Siler will be. If he makes it all the way back into the starting role, that's FOUR potential Pro Bowlers at linebacker. The last time a team fielded four all-pros at LB? Jim Mora's early 1990s Saints that were routinely the league's best defense -- Pat Swilling, Rickey Jackson, Sam Mills, and Vaughn Johnson.)

Because of that, if you want to go the free agent route, I'm fine with that ... but I'd really be looking to the draft. A lot can shake out between now and April 26th, but I am really impressed with Dont'a Hightower of Alabama. That kid is a freaking beast. Sportsline.com has him rated 26th overall, so he might be a reach at 11 ... but if you can trade down and pick up an extra pick or two for your considerations, and then pick Hightower in the 20-22 range? Definitely worth attempting to do.

(This is exactly what the Chiefs did last year, trading down six spots with Cleveland, and picking up a 3rd rounder, the 70th overall pick, for their troubles. That pick? Turned into Justin Houston. Come on history, don't be scared to repeat yourself!!!)

If you're looking at a day three, fifth / sixth round pick, I like Emmanuel Acho of Texas. Reminds me a lot of another UT linebacker from earlier this decade, some dude named Derrick Johnson.

If you go outside 'backer, Courtney Upshaw of Alabama, another solid idea. (That, or I just was so overwhelmed watching the Bama defense last night, that I'm overrating all of them as a result). Zack Brown of UNC should be there at the top of round two, ditto Lavonte David of Nebraska.

Ideal Depth Chart in 2012:
Outside: Houston (left), Hali (right); Studebaker, Sheffield.
Inside: Siler / Belcher (left), DJ (right); Belcher / Siler, Hightower (draft), Greenwood.

I can't stress this enough -- you can NEVER have enough depth at linebacker. If they can pass cover, they make up for holes in your secondary. If they can blitz? They make up for holes on your D-Line. And if you have 6-7 competent quality players all capable of starting? They'll only push each other to greater accomplishments than you imagined possible.

(Or at least give you valuable trading chips to fill the holes in your roster as training camp winds down next August ...)

* Cornerback.
Depth Chart: Flowers (left), Carr (right); Daniels, Arenas, Brown.
Free Agent(s): Carr.
Unlikely to Return: Brown, Carr (if cost goes too high).

Thoughts: the more I think about it, the more I think that Brandon Carr is going to be the most difficult decision of Scott Pioli's offseason. On the one hand, he's a solid starting corner, and those aren't all that easy to find in this league. On the other hand, how much of that is because he has a future Pro Bowler on the other side of the field? In other words, is he like Antonio Cromartie, who benefits from Darrelle Revis taking up half the field? Or is Brandon Carr a legitimate stand-alone corner? If you think he's a product of the support around him, then let some other team give him the 6 year, $70 million contract he's going to get. If you think he's every bit as good as Brandon Flowers, then overpay the man and focus on other areas.

If it was my call? I'd swallow hard and overpay, knowing full well I might have just bought myself the second coming of Eric Warfield. Because if Carr's ceiling is a Warfield-type career? I can live with that. There are positions in this league you have to overpay for talent at, and cornerback is high up on that list. And besides, a ceiling of Eric Warfield beats the hell out of a Carlton Gray or "Stevo's Most Hated Chiefs Player Ever", bill bartee, ceiling. (With billy bartee, if the floor and the ceiling are both six feet under the ground, does that count as a ceiling?)

The Chiefs also need to upgrade the depth at this position. Jalil Brown is a nice guy. He's a terrible corner. Arenas is acceptable as a nickel / dime package corner, but if he's on the field for more than about 15% of the snaps, you're in trouble. And Travis Daniels can't stay healthy. Depth is a major issue here.

Sadly, the best cornerback in college isn't eligible for the draft ... but his teammate, Morris Claiborne (LSU), is. (Ranked 4th overall on Sportsline). This is a really deep class for corners thankfully -- 17 earn day one or two grades on Sportsline, which is an extremely high number for a position this important. (It'd be like 9 quarterbacks earning day one or two grades. It never happens.)

One corner I'd say the hell away from is Janoris Jenkins, formerly of Florida, currently of North Alabama. When the "King of Sleaze", Urban Meyer, a man who had 31 separate felony arrests occur on his watch at Florida, when that guy, who routinely looks the other way and is the embodiment of the phrase "lack of institutional control", when THAT guy deems you too toxic, and kicks you off his team? Red flag! Red flag!

If you want to look the veteran route, there's not much out there. Maybe offer an incentive laden deal to Marcus Trufant (Seahawks) or Rashean Mathis (Jaguars). Seriously, Brandon Carr is the second best corner on the market (behind Brent Grimes (Falcons)). That ought to tell you how tough it is to find one acceptable long-term option at the position, let alone two like the Chiefs currently have.

Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Carr (left), Flowers (right); Arenas, Daniels, promising rookie for depth.

* Safety.
Current Depth Chart: Lewis (strong), Berry (free); McGraw, Washington, Langford, Piscatelli.
Free Agent(s): McGraw.
Unlikely to Return: Langford, McGraw, Piscatelli (please Jesus. Please.)

Thoughts: My God, is this position a nuclear holocaust. Berry played four snaps all year. Piscatelli looked competent for about two snaps all year. McGraw has lost it, Langford never had it, and Lewis played out of position most of the year at strong safety. How the hell the Chiefs didn't get torched for 45 points and 500 yards every game, I have absolutely no idea.

I mean, look at that depth chart without Eric Berry. Christ, I could complete 21/40 for 250 and a couple touchdowns against this riff-raff. I can only think of one team all season that decided to chuck it all over the field on us, and that was the Lions in week 2. (They won 48-3 in a game that wasn't even that close).

This unit needs serious upgrading, both with veteran talent and some youth. On the free agent wire, I'd make a serious run at tyvon branch of the raiders. Another "strengthen yourself at your rivals' expense" signing.

As far as looking to the draft, uuh, well ... as deep as the cornerback pool is? The safety pool is that shallow. Not a single safety earned a first round grade on Sportsline*, and only two earned a second round grade. Yikes. So I'd probably bring in another veteran for depth at a cost-friendly contract, and wait until next year to find a youngster in the draft.

(*: I went with Sportsline for my collegiate rankings because ESPN Insider is piss poor so far in its coverage. Kiper goes 32 deep overall; McShay doesn't even have a first round mock posted yet, let alone a positional breakdown. AND I PAY ESPN FOR THAT! Sportsline charges me $0.00 for a tremendously easy to use database breakdown not just by position, but by SIDE OF THE LINE the position is on. F*ck you ESPN Insider.)

Ideal Depth Chart for 2012: Berry (free), Branch (strong) (free agent); Lewis, Washington, veteran backup for depth.

So ... if you followed me this far, in summary, what I want to see the Chiefs do this offseason:

Free Agency:
Sign Matt Forte, RB, Bears.
Sign Marques Colston, WR, Saints.
Sign Demetrius Bell, LT, Bills, or Khalif Barnes, RT, raiders.
Sign Abrayeo Franklin, NT, Saints.
Sign Tyvon Branch, SS, raiders.

Re-sign Brandon Carr, CB.
Re-sign Jovan Belcher, LB.
Re-sign Cory Greenwood, LB.
Re-sign Jerheme Urban, WR.
Re-sign Le'Ron McClain, FB.

Do NOT re-sign Kyle Orton, QB.
Do NOT re-sign Dwayne Bowe, WR.
Do NOT re-sign Barry Richardson, LT.
Do NOT re-sign Jon McGraw, SS.
Do NOT re-sign Demorrio Williams, ILB.

Oh, and
DO! NOT! RE! SIGN! sabby! piscatelli! (please Jesus. Please!)

Draft:
Trade down in round one, into the mid 20s, and pick up a third rounder.
Draft Dont'a Hightower, LB, Alabama, in round one.
Draft the best guard / center on the board in round two.
Draft Ryan Broyles, WR, Oklahoma, in round three.
Draft best cornerback on the board with round three pick acquired via tradedown.
Draft Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State, in round four.
Draft best guard / center on the board in round five.
Draft corner or safety in round six.
Draft another corner or safety in round six (Orton compensatory pick).
Draft best player available in round seven.
Draft best player available in round seven (compensation for Jarrad Page).

Thoughts, opinions, hate mail? Hit me up in the comments, on email at teamtito15@yahoo.com, or on twitter @teamtito15. Although I'm still not good at this Twitter thing, so if I don't respond, don't be offended. I'm 35 now, the world flies by much faster than it used to for this now nearly officially old dude ...

2011 chiefs in (p)review part quatro: the coaching staff

2012-01-09T20:14:00.001-06:00

As anyone who’s ever met me, or read this site, is well aware … I don’t tend to hold back. If I feel strongly about something, I lay it out there, regardless of the damage it might cause. Sometimes, that's a good thing. Sometimes, it incites people to storm out of the house after hearing something they don't want to hear. What can I say, it's a "gift".

So allow me to admit up front … that I am completely and totally confused as to how to believe about the hiring of Romeo Crennel as the 12th head coach in franchise history.

On the one hand, promoting from within rarely works. As the Star’s Randy Covitz noted a few weeks ago, since the merger, RAC is now the 62nd head coach promoted from within. Only 5 of the previous 61 have led the team that hired them to a Super Bowl victory – some dude named Don McCafferty with the 1970 Baltimore Colts (I’m guessing Johnny U had much more to do with that win than whoever the hell Don McCafferty was), John Madden with the 1976 raiders, Tom Flores with the 1980 and 1983 raiders, Bill Parcells with the 1986 and 1990 Giants, and George Seifert with the 1989 and 1994 49ers. While the odds are against this move resulting in the Chiefs being the last team to win a game in any given season … if you hit on the hire, you REALLY hit on the hire.

On the other hand, since the expansion of the postseason from five to six teams in 1990, there have been 17 in-house promotions … and while none of them has won the Lombardi Trophy for their franchise, 4 of them have at least played for it (99 Titans (Fisher), 01 Rams (Martz), 02 raiders (Callahan), 09 Colts (Caldwell)). And in three of those cases, it was an in-house hire on an already relatively successful team simply maintaining the course, a move that hiring Crennel channels.

On the one hand, Romeo Crennel was a spectacular failure in Cleveland in his only prior head coaching stint, winning 6, 4, 10, and then 4 games before being shown the door after his fourth year on the job.

On the other hand, the Browns have had two winning seasons since returning to the NFL in 1999 – the 2002 wildcard team that went 9-7 … and Crennel’s 2007 team that went 10-6, missing the playoffs on tiebreakers. And Crennel won 10 games with Derek Anderson under center, William Green as the featured back, and Mohammad Massaquoi as the primary receiving threat. To coach a team that limited on offense to 10 wins and the cusp of a playoff berth, indicates someone knows what they’re doing.

On the one hand, hiring Crennel and only guaranteeing him three years (and realistically, knowing he’s in it for four at the most), means the Chiefs will be right back in this spot after 2015 at the latest, and at that point will be hiring their 6th head coach in 16 years. You want to ensure your franchise is mediocre at best? Keep changing the head coach. If you look at the 10 most successful franchises since 2000, you’ll notice that they all tend to be stable on the sidelines:

* Patriots: Belichick since 2000.
* Steelers: Cowher to 2006 (retired); Tomlin 2007 onward.
* Ravens: Billick to 2007 (fired); Harbaugh 2008 onward.
* Colts: Dungy 2002-2008 (retired); Caldwell 2009 onward (for now).
* Giants: Fassel to 2003 (fired); Coughlin 2004 onward.
* Eagles: Reid since 1999.
* Packers: Sherman to 2005 (fired); McCarthy 2006 onward.
* Seahawks: Holmgren to 2008 (retired); Mora 2009 (fired); Carroll 2010 onward.
* Panthers: Fox to 2010 (fired); Rivera 2011 onward.
* Bears: Jauron to 2004 (fired); Smith 2005 onward.

Those ten teams represent 30 of the last 42 conference championship game berths. And if you want to include a team that “got it together” in the latter half of the 2000s and put the Saints in there (who’ve only had two coaches as well, Haslett to 2005 and Payton 2006 onward), as well as include an annual playoff contender that also has only had two coaches in that stretch, the Titans (Fisher to 2010, Munchek 2011 on), its 33 of 42 ... and twice Fisher lost at home in his first playoff game as the top overall seed. The numbers don’t lie – if you constantly are changing coaches every 2-3 years, you will NEVER attain success in the NFL.

On the other hand … isn’t this kind of a continuity kind of hire? RAC is who the players wanted. It’s clearly who the GM wanted. The owner obviously is OK with it. With Romeo in charge, the defense won’t change much, and the offense might finally get designated to someone with permission to completely oversee it, since the head coach won’t be constantly interfering.

Again, on the one hand, because of the three year contract and likely four year commitment, who we hire at one (or both) of the major coordinator positions is vitally important, because that person(s) represents your favorite(s) for the gig in 2016 if things go according to plan.

But on the other hand, isn’t that OK? I’m probably the only Chiefs fan alive who loves Herm Edwards … but even I wonder if things might have been better if Al Saunders, the logical replacement for Dick Vermeil, was given a crack at the head gig. What’s wrong with hiring your next two head coaches with this move, Crennel and his logical successor? Isn’t that what smart teams do, put a solid contingency plan into place and then stick to it?

At the end of the day, I’m totally torn on this hire. From a fan perspective, I hate it. We should have done better. Competent GM, solid talent base, down division, passionate fan base, owner who stays the hell out of the way -- if Romeo Crennel is the best this job can attract, then we are in far worse shape than I believe the Chiefs to be. (And I don’t think we’re in bad shape whatsoever; if anything, provided our key contributors come back to at least 90%ish of what they were, this is your 2011 AFC West prohibitive favorite.)

On the other hand, “settling” for Romeo Crennel isn’t a bad move. The last two head coaches the Browns fired that got a second chance in this league? Worked out pretty well for their next team. I don’t think the Patriots are upset whatsoever at giving Bill Belichick (technically) a third chance. (In case you forgot, Belichick “coached” the Jets for 38 hours after Parcells stepped down in early 2000, before deciding New England was a better job.)

And are Chiefs fans upset at giving Marty Schottenheimer the head job not even three weeks after the Browns (stupidly) overreacted to a wildcard loss and fired him? I know I’m not – without Carl and Marty, this team would be playing in Charlotte or Baltimore or (cringe) St. Louis right now.

Also, coaches who have the locker room’s unwavering support, tend to do well for a year or two, sometimes into year three. And go figure, Scott Pioli only signed Romeo to a three year contract. That’s smart thinking.

My biggest nagging issue with the hire isn’t Romeo himself. It’s with the man who hired him, Scott Pioli. If this is a move for continuity, to hold together the locker room, to signal to the players that “hey, ok, I get it, I blew it last time” and give them their guy? I’m fine with it, I truly am.

If this is a hire, however, that was made out of fear of failure? It is not going to end well. As Jack Dawson put it in “Titanic”: “when you’ve got nothing? You’ve got nothing to lose”. Scott Pioli had NOTHING to lose by this hire. If it works? He keeps his job long-term. If it bombs? He’s following Romeo out the door. Which is why I question why this move was made.

If you have nothing … you have nothing to lose. Was Pioli scared to take a risk after the Haley experiment failed? Was he scared to take a shot on an up-and-coming assistant for a second time? I mean, and boy does this pain me, broncos owner patrick j. bowlen, the “classless jackass” himself, wasn’t scared to double down on the “hot” assistant of the day 16 years ago. He hired Wade Phillips in 1993. Phillips was fired after 1994. bowlen decided to pursue THE hot coaching prospect at that time, the 49ers offensive coordinator. Some dude named … mike shanahan. Ask denver fans if they’re upset about “taking a chance” on another team’s hot assistant.

Ask Packers fans if they’re upset a decade later that Ted Thompson hired another 49ers offensive coordinator, Mike McCarthy, to replace Mike Sherman. Ask Saints fans if they’re upset that Mickey Loomis took a chance on Cowboys offensive coordinator Sean Payton. Or Cardinals fans about Steelers offensive coordinator Ken Whizenhunt. Or hell – Steelers fans about Vikings defensive coordinator Mike Tomlin. This is what has me upset more than anything, and has me questioning the hire, is that I fully believe Scott Pioli is so scared of failing in this pick, that he opted for the safe play.

To put this into gambling terms, this is the equivalent of having a hard 11 against an ace … and choosing to just hit, rather than double down. No, it’s not a mistake. Yes, it can work. Yes, it might be the “smart” play. And yes, if you double that 11 and get anything other than a 8, 9, 10 or a face, you’re probably in deep trouble.

But you know what? 8, 9, 10, J, K, Q is nearly half the deck. You’ve got about a 44% chance of pulling a card that at worst gets you a draw. And basically a 25% shot of drawing a card that ensures you can’t lose, and that the dealer has to have an epic draw to push against. The Chiefs today hit their 11 against an ace. It might work. But it’s not the move I would have made.

So, the question now becomes, with Romeo on board, who fills the next three key coaching slots. Offensive coordinator, defensive coordinator, special teams coach.

We know at least two of the three will change – Romeo has been promoted from DC, there’s no way Bill Muir returns as OC, and the jury’s out on Steve Hoffman as ST guru.

As you might expect, I have my opinions on each job. What you might not expect … is who I support for at least one of the positions. First up …

Special Teams: Steve Hoffman has done a credible, decent job in his three years on the job. The coverage units aren’t as good as they should be, but for God’s sake, you cannot question his job with the kicking specialists. Dusty C might be the third best punter in the division … and the third best punter in the league. When you’ve got Mike Scifres and shane lechler ahead of you, it’s tough to break through. (To say nothing of arguably the worst punter in the division being the 4th best punter in the league, in Dusty C’s brother britton in denver.) And good Lord, you take a kid 256th in the draft, give him the job on Opening Day … and he winds up setting the franchise record for most consecutive made field goals in his second season? That’s some tremendous coaching.

Yes, the return units need some work, but they were rock solid in 2009 and 2010 when Hoffman had training camp and a full offseason to work through the issues. I would RETAIN Steve Hoffman as special teams coach for another season, and I would probably extend his contract to last at least as long as mine if I was Romeo Crennel.

Defensive Coordinator: the Chiefs have two rock solid options in-house if they choose to promote from within, in former OU head coach and Saints DC Gary Gibbs (currently our LB’s coach), and secondary coach Emmitt Thomas (was DC for Philly 1995-1998, Packers in 1999, Vikings in 2000-2001, and Falcons from 2002-2009. Playoff berths in those 15 seasons? 6. Not too shabby). The rumor mill has been going crazy that Romeo and Pioli are hot after Jaguars interim head coach and defensive coordinator Mel Tucker, a move I don’t oppose at all.

There’s also the option of Romeo remaining as DC in addition to his head coaching duties (which I strongly oppose), and my belief that the interview last week with Jack Del Rio was to see if he and Romeo could co-exist on that side of the ball (with Del Rio as a possible head-coach-in-waiting).

None of those are the answer.

The defensive staff is rock solid, and really doesn’t need any major replacements. There’s no Tim Krumrie “how the hell does THIS dude have a job?!?!” obvious need to fire’s on this staff anymore.

I believe the answer is with a coach who believes in the 3-4, who (I think this is correct) has a contract about to expire, has solid head-coaching credentials in case he’s the head-coach-in-waiting (this dude went 3-4 with the Bills in 2009 as interim head coach; they were 1-8 when they hired him) … and he’s got his team once again still alive in the divisional round of the postseason.

To get him, if I’m wrong about him being a free agent coach, we’d have to offer him an assistant head coach position, and possibly trade a late round draft pick … but if you believe in this guy like I do, it’s worth the cost.

The guy I’d pursue … is Giants DC Perry Fewell.

If you watched the last few weeks, he’s put on a CLINIC of how to coach defense in this league. He made the Jets look hapless, the Cowboys look hopeless, and the Falcons offense managed zero points in a playoff game in which they won the time of possession and yardage statistics. His background is with the secondary, which is perfect, since Emmitt Thomas is at most 2 years away from retirement. You leave Gary Gibbs alone to keep improving the linebacking corps, leave Thomas in place in the secondary (the job he did this year was nothing short of a miracle), and if you want to replace Anthony Pleasant on the DL, fine … but please, don’t call Tim Krumrie, that’s all I ask.

Plus, Fewell is a perfect HCIW (head coach in waiting, for the acronym challenged). He has experience running a team. He got a 1-8 Bills team to basically play .500 ball for him. I love this prospective hire, even if it a little surprising.

(For the record, my guess is Gary Gibbs is promoted to DC, which I’m perfectly fine with. He’s a competent quality coach who won’t screw things up. You need those throughout your staff.)

But if Fewell is out of left field … well, I’m not sure there’s a field to describe what I think we should hire as …

Offensive Coordinator: let me state up front, this will never happen. But its my post, its my site, I’m typing up who I want as our offensive coordinator. (Slash offensive line coach. What? If Bill Muir can “pull off” the double duty, I KNOW this guy can.)

And I’m not going to run through a list of potentials like I just did on the defensive side of the ball. There’s one man I want overseeing our offensive gameplan and offensive line next year. It’s the same guy I wanted us to hire in 2009 when Haley arrived, 2010 when Weis arrived, and last year when Muir ascended to the job. He’s one of the brightest offensive minds the League has seen in the last twenty years. He’s also a horrendous head coach who will NEVER get another shot at running his own team, which is ideal, believe it or not! The Chiefs will be hiring their 5th offensive coordinator in 4 years. We need stability at the position, someone who isn’t an up-and-coming coaching prospect, but someone who’ll be in the chair for 4, 5, 6 years, and not bolt for the next great thing. We need another Al Saunders, another Paul Hackett.

Or in this case, a man affectionately known on this site as “Sur” William Callahan.

Bill Callahan, currently the Jets offensive line coach, formerly the head coach of the oakland raiders and Nebraska Cornhuskers.

There are a lot of qualified assistants out there waiting for their big break. Callahan already got his – in 2002 with the raiders, when he managed to not screw things up, and got the remnants of the team Jon Gruden built to the Super Bowl. And when the floor collapsed in 2003, he packed up and went to Nebraska … where he promptly took said floor collapse, and made sure the foundation, plumbing, and wiring were all sub-code as well.

But his lack of success as a head coach, doesn’t hide his tremendous upside as an offensive coordinator. The issues with his Huskers teams were NEVER the offense. It was the defense. As OC? Doesn’t have to worry one damned bit about the defense. As Gruden’s OC in oakland, all they did was completely redefine the West Coast Offense as it existed, turning Dick Gannon into a NFL MVP despite his inability to throw a ball 11 yards down the field. As his own playcaller in Lincoln, he completely overhauled the Huskers offense, attaining a level of success so amazingly incredible that when Dr. Tom cleaned house and brought in Bo Pelini to right the ship? Pelini kept the entire offensive staff in place. Bo Pelini might be mentally unstable, but he’s not stupid. You don’t screw with what works. And Bill Callahan’s offensive system works.

To get Callahan, all we’d have to do is offer him the job. He’s currently the Jets offensive line coach (although if Brian Schottenheimer is not retained, Callahan is the favorite for the Jets’ OC job). Make the offer. Get Callahan in here. The guy has found a way to help top ten offenses with Rich Gannon, Marques Tuaisosopu, and Mark Sanchez under center. He actually lost two games at Nebraska despite topping 50 points. The guy is a horrendous head coach.

But he’s the best available offensive coordinator on the market. Go get him Chiefs. Go get him!

Coming (hopefully) tomorrow, part five: free agency and (possibly) the draft. If you resign yourself to Cassel (or Orton) being under center next September 10th, then the primary focus for one or the other has to be offensive tackle. And since I believe spending a first round pick on an offensive lineman is just about the stupidest thing a franchise can do, that means Clark Hunt needs to open the checkbook in free agency. Thankfully, the new CBA requires him to do that, to a healthy multi-million dollar tune this offseason, just to get the Chiefs within sight of the 95% floor threshold …

the wild card predictions

2012-01-06T20:08:00.000-06:00

What a difference a year makes. A year ago, I was sitting at my laptop on a Friday night, typing up my wildcard round predictions while enjoying a beer or three.

Oh. Wait.

But – but! – last year the two teams I root for, were about to take the field. The Jets were headed to Indy, the Chiefs were set to host the Ravens, things were looking great.

This year? No Chiefs. No Jets. And somehow the tebows are hosting a playoff game. Excuse me while I bash my head against the wall. Repeatedly.

Here then are my Wild Card Round predictions …

* at Texans (-3) 27, Bengals 14. I forget where I read this earlier this week, but it made me laugh out loud because it’s so damned true (and funny) – the Texans should have Sam Wyche and Jerry Glanville as the honorary coin toss participants, since the Bengals and Oilers used to stage such great playoff games (and regular season showdowns) in the late 80s / early 90s. For what its worth, I’m taking the Texans to cover and win outright for three reasons:

1. I’ve attended a meaningless regular season game in that stadium … and it’s loud in there. I mean, LOUD. The Bengals have absolutely no idea what they’re in for. I fully expect the Texans to come out, feed off the crowd, muster at least a field goal early, then rattle Andy Dalton into a back breaking and game-changing turnover, I’m envisioning a Pick Six, that all but ends the game before the second quarter begins. Because …

2. If the Texans can get up two scores early, get up 10-0 or 14-3, something like that, what do you think they’ll do? Pound Arian Foster. Who, despite the Texans having a shaky rookie QB under center, has been utterly unstoppable – his yards per carry have gone UP nearly half a yard per carry since Matt Schaub was lost for the season. Unreal. When the defense knows what’s coming, and they can’t stop it? That’s something special to watch. But finally …

3. Because I know one Texans fan, and only one Texans fan, and by God, she deserves to see her team win in the playoffs. So I’m rooting for (and betting on) Houston because of Ashley. You’re welcome?

* at Saints 38, Lions (+10 ½) 35. The Lions absolutely can win this game. If you toss out the insane penalties from their matchup a month ago against the Saints, they thoroughly outplayed New Orleans. And truth be told, if this game was in the noon Sunday slot, I might pick the outright upset.

But that crowd? With all day to “medicate” for a national prime time game? Uuh, it ain’t happening Lions fans. I think they’ll keep it close, because the Detroit offense is that prolific, and while he’s nowhere near the coordinator he was ten years ago, Gunther Cunningham always has his guys ready to play when the playoffs arrive. Gun will have something up his sleeve to at least keep it interesting. At the end of the day though, I see the Saints surviving. Much like when they hosted Philly on a Saturday night in the divisional round in 2006 – a closer than expected contest that comes down to a last second field goal. I envision something similar this time.

* Falcons (+3) 34, at Giants 20. This ridiculous notion that Matt Ryan has to win this game to be considered an “elite quarterback” is absolutely ridiculous. The guy has been a starter in this league for four years now. His teams have won 11, 9, 14, and 11 games, and have made the playoffs three times. His prior two playoff defeats were to the eventual NFC champion.

I mean, look it, nobody wants to see the Chiefs succeed in the postseason more than me … but for God’s sake, this idea that you HAVE to win in the playoffs to be an elite quarterback drives me bat shit crazy. You know who was an elite quarterback in this league from the moment he arrived … and didn’t win a playoff game until his SIXTH year in the league? It’s ok, you can Google search it, I can wait.

(cue “jeopardy” music …)

Time. The answer is … “alleged all time great” Peyton Manning. Here’s Manning’s career postseason in his first five years in the league:

1999: L 13-16 vs Titans. Stats: 19/42, 227 yds, 0 TD, 0 INT, 62.3 rating.
2000: L 17-23 at Dolphins (OT). Stats: 17/32, 194 yds, 1 TD, 0 INT, 82.0 rating.
2002: L 0-41 at Jets. Stats: 14/31, 137 yds, 0 TD, 2 INT, 31.2 rating.

(source: pro-football-reference.com).

Through five years in the league, Manning was 0-3 in the playoffs, with a QB rating in the mid-50s. Even more damning Chiefs fans, he lost 41-0 to Herm Edwards! How does that happen, if Herm is even 2/1000ths of awful as a coach as so many of you think he is!

Matt Ryan is absolutely an elite quarterback in this league, and just like Manning did in 2003 when he broke through with two epic performances and two victories in January, Matt Ryan is about to break through with at least one of each. I HATE the idea that in order to be “elite”, you have to win in January. To take it back to “alleged all time great” Peyton Manning one more time, care to guess what his career record in the playoffs is?

9-10. “Alleged all time great” Peyton Manning is a LOSER in the postseason. Does that mean he’s not “elite”, that he’s not a “winner”? HELL NO! Why do you think I facetiously refer to him as “alleged all time great”? Because too many people judge football greatness solely on January. It’s ridiculous. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

The Falcons will win this game because the best quarterback on the field, is in their huddle. I don’t care that Eli Manning has won a Super Bowl. I don’t care that the Giants are at home. The best QB on the field is in their huddle. And win or lose on Sunday, don’t you dare try to tell anyone (especially me) that the Falcons QB isn’t an elite quarterback in this league. Four winning seasons, three playoff berths, in 64 regular games under center. Matt Ryan can play for my team anytime. Just like Peyton Manning, despite his losing postseason career.

And finally … and my God, does this one pain me … but man, do I feel so strongly about this …

* at broncos (+8 ½) 34, Steelers 10.

Here’s another fun-filled trivia question for you*. Since the 1970 merger, only TWICE in NFL history has a team hosted, in the wild card round, a team that posted four (or more) wins than it did in the regular season. (AKA “superior wildcard team hits the road to face inferior division champion”.) Can you name the two games … and more specifically, can you identify who won each game?

(Hint: both games have occurred within the last four years.)

And … time.

(*: I'm not the self-appointed "King of Useless Trivia" for nothing. And yes, I am fully aware Wednesday was "National Trivia Day". Why the hell do you think I went to Hooters after bowling?)

On January 3, 2009 (hey, what a great day!!!), the San Diego “Super” Chargers, AFC West champions at 8-8, hosted the 12-4 Indianapolis Colts … and won 23-20 in overtime as a 9 ½ point underdog.

And last year, on January 8, the Seattle Seahawks, NFC West champions at 7-9, hosted the 13-3 New Orleans Saints as 10 ½ point underdogs … and nearly dropped 50 on the defending Super Bowl champions in blowing them out of Qwest Field behind the game of Marshawn Lynch’s life.

So, all you folks who think denver has no chance, uuh, want a re-do on that thinking?

This … is my Wayne Allyn Root Memorial Game of the Year. When EVERYONE expects something to go one way … bet contrarian.

I have yet to read a single prediction for this game that doesn’t end one of two ways, either a Steelers rout, or a broncos close victory. To which I reply, why CAN’T the broncos win this one in a blowout?

Look it, if timmy tebow quarterbacked ANY other team than this one, I’d absolutely love the guy. The kid is humble. The kid shrugs off criticism, and just does his thing. The kid is a winner. He leaves every damned ounce of energy he has on the football field, no regrets, no half-assing it.

Most importantly, he’s genuine. As someone who refuses to step foot in Church for a reason*, that matters to me. If there were more timmy tebow’s in the religious-sphere, I might take my mom up on her standing weekly offer to attend Mass.

(*: I promise, I’m not invoking religion into this column, other than to say this. I heard a quote one time, and just Google searched it to see that it’s widely attributed to some dude named Brennan Manning, that is THE best defense of my view on religion I’ve ever heard, and it is this. “The single biggest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus Christ with their lips but deny him with their lifestyle. It is the one thing an unbelieving world finds completely and totally unbelievable”. Amen sir. Amen. And that, in a nutshell, is why you won’t see my ass in a pew anytime soon.)

As for the game itself … again, twice in the last four years, we’ve seen this exact scenario unfold, albeit slightly different in that both San Diego and Seattle won “win and you’re in” de-facto playoff games against divisional rivals to enter the playoffs (SD over denver in 2008; Seattle over St. Louis last year.) The donkeys enter having lost three straight.

And you know what? So have the Texans. And I like them to win on Saturday to open the postseason. So why can’t denver win this game?

Pittsburgh is beat up. No Pouncey. No Ryan Clark due to (justifiable, and kudos to the coaching staff for holding him out) legitimate medical reasons. Ben is playing hurt. Why can’t an above-average denver pass rush rattle Ben early, force a quick turnover or two? Why can’t eddie royal take one to the house? And why can’t the most epic winner (arguably) in college football history finally win a snoozer at the pro level? There’s nothing written in tablets of stone from Mount Sinai that says timmy tebow has to win every game in the fourth quarter, or lose it in the first. Sometimes, your team shows up, and wins a laugher, despite what everyone thinks. (Even the Chiefs managed this, at oakland in week 7).

Why can’t the broncos win this one comfortably? I think they will. And I don’t know what disgusts me more: the fact that I believe they will win … the fact that means they post yet another playoff victory since the Chiefs last had one …

Or the fact that like a certain loyal reader of this site, I’ll be cheering for her team on Sunday as loudly and passionately as she does. OK, not as loudly, and definitely not as passionately, but you get the point. And now if you’ll excuse me, I REALLY need to bash my head repeatedly against a concrete object at the realization that I’m cheering for denver to win in less than 48 hours …

2011 chiefs in (p)review part tres: the dream 2012 schedule

2012-01-03T22:23:00.001-06:00

In case you missed part one …
In case you missed part two …

And now … part three.

* The 2012 Schedule, Stevo-style:

We know the opponents and the venues, so let’s knock this out, my dream 2012 schedule. Should note up front, the Royals are home August 18th and the entire first week of September (for preseason scheduling purposes, and again, focus on the fact that this is MY dream schedule, hint hint), as well as September 16th (Sunday), 23rd (Sunday), and October 1st (Monday), so the odds are the Chiefs open at home, then hit the road for two straight, barring a Monday nighter in there.

Also, given how the NFL now schedules week 17 (all divisional games), and given that we faced oakland, then denver, the last two years, I would bet the family farm my family doesn’t own on us playing the Chargers to close the season, and that is reflected in this dream schedule.

So here you go, how I hope our schedule looks when it’s released in early March:

Preseason:

Week 1: at Browns, Friday August 10th, 7pm (local KCTV).
Week 2: vs Bears, Saturday August 18th, 7:30pm (local KCTV).
Week 3: vs Vikings, Saturday August 25th, 7:30pm (local KCTV).
Week 4: at Rams, Thursday August 30th, 7pm (local KCTV).

Reason / Rationale: I tried to pick teams that we generally schedule in the preseason. Seems like we usually face the Vikings and Browns, and we always face the Rams (except when playing them in the regular season) in the “Governor’s Cup” game. (Or, as Don Criqui put it, the “Governor’s Cup Trophy”. Oy.) For the other game, I scheduled the Bears, at home, on Saturday the 18th … because as luck would have it, the Royals host the White Sox that day! If it’s my dream schedule, I will ALWAYS have a double header day in there for August, because (a) anytime you can have not one, but TWO!, tailgates in the same day, it’s a winner in my book, and (b) that’s the only shot in hell you have of getting me to show up for a preseason game, instead of blowing it off for a float trip. Sorry. Give me a reason to show up beyond “glorified scrimmage” and I’ll do it. Because not even eating $80 / ticket can get me to show up at this point.

Regular Season:

Week 1: Sunday, September 9th, vs Bengals, noon, CBS. Interesting opener between a potentially up and coming Bengals team, and a rebounding Chiefs team.

Week 2: Sunday September 16th, at Browns, noon, CBS. Springboard to a potential meaningful season, like two years ago in this exact spot? Very winnable roadie early on.

Week 3: Sunday September 23rd, at raiders, 3:15pm, CBS. Chiefs have won 8 of 9 by the Bay, the only loss being in overtime two years ago.

Week 4: Sunday September 30th, vs Panthers, noon, FOX. I can’t wait to see Cam Newton play in person. Here’s to hoping he does as poorly as Mike Vick did in his Arrowhead debut (4 Turnovers, a 56-10 defeat). Chiefs are set up to open 3-1, ideally 4-0, heading into a prime time matchup against …

Week 5: Monday October 8th, vs Falcons, 7:30pm, ESPN. Tony G’s return to Arrowhead. I’ll be booing him as loudly as my vocal chords will allow. I’m guessing I’ll be in the minority.

Week 6: Sunday October 14th, at broncos, 3:15pm, CBS. Should be fun, if only for the “Stevo hates this team so much he cannot rationally watch this game” factor.

Week 7: bye. Set up so that the pessimist says 3-3, the realist says 4-2, and the optimist says 5-1, entering 2012’s gauntlet of games, beginning with …

Week 8: Sunday October 28th, vs Ravens, 3:15pm, CBS. The Ravens have won their last two at Arrowhead, outscoring the Chiefs 50-17 in the process. And to be fair? Neither game was competitive in any way, shape or form after halftime. Tough, tough way to close October. Hence scheduling it after the bye week.

Week 9: Sunday November 4th, at Steelers, 3:15pm, CBS. The Chiefs haven’t won in Pittsburgh since 1986. I would not expect that streak to end in 2012. Last time the Chiefs visited Pittsburgh (week 6 2006), kcchiefs.com described it as the Steelers “using (the Chiefs) as their own personal urinal”. I’d expect another “port-a-potty come 3pm on gameday” experience in this one.

Week 10: Sunday November 11th, at Saints, noon, FOX. Hate that the whiny NFC East squads got hacked and forced schedule changes for all teams against the AFC / NFC West … because we should be hosting the Saints, if the last two year’s past schedules had held.

Week 11: Sunday November 18th, vs raiders, noon, CBS*. raiders have won their last 5 at Arrowhead, and figure to be better in 2012 than they were in any of those previous five years.

Week 12: Thursday, November 22nd, vs broncos, 7pm, NFLN. Its my dream schedule, and until the day I die, I want a repeat of Thanksgiving Night 2006. Chiefs and donkeys should play at least once in prime time every year. Ideally at Arrowhead on Thanksgiving night.

Week 13: Sunday December 2nd, at Chargers, 3:15pm, CBS*. Beginning of a very doable stretch run for the Chiefs. I set us up against San Diego twice in the last five weeks, just because it seems like we usually get some divisional opponent 2 out of 4, 2 out of 5, why not the Chargers this time.

Week 14: Sunday December 9th, vs Colts, noon, CBS*. Manning? Luck? Does it matter? We almost never beat these guys, no matter where we play them.

Week 15: Sunday December 16th, at Bucs, noon, FOX*. Wohoo! A trip to the beaches of Florida in December! Sign me up!

Week 16: Sunday December 23rd, at Bills, noon, CBS*. A very winnable roadie late in the season.

Week 17: Sunday December 30th, vs Chargers, noon, CBS*. I can absolutely see a 9-6 Chiefs team hosting a 10-5 Chargers team with the division on the line, and this getting flexed into prime time.

(*: subject to flex scheduling).

A very workable schedule. Preseason, who cares, so long as (a) the Double Header Day is in there, and (b) you don’t face a regular season opponent.

The first four weeks, the “first quarter”, as former coach so (correctly) described it? All winnable. The second quarter? Tougher. The third quarter? The toughest of all? The fourth quarter? Hopefully (cake walk) to the finish line. Just like a typical college semester. Or a typical college career, if you view it as a four year experience.

I firmly believe this is a 10 win team as its currently constructed, if healthy. And 10 wins will not only win the AFC West, it might get you a bye if the uprising juggernaut the AFC North is starts bashing its heads against each other. With some convenient upgrades and smart (offensive) coaching hires, this is a 11, 12 win team that can get a bye, and have a shot at greatness … even with Matt Cassel under center.

Coming tomorrow (hopefully): part four at least, who I’d let go in free agency / roster purges, and who I’d pursue in free agency / roster purges. Coming at some point after that: part five, my ideal coaching staff (possibly) and draft targets (definitely). Here’s a hint. Said draft target, likely to be available on day three, rhymes with “Mellon Kore”. And you can pretty much replace the M and the K with each other, and figure out who I want under center in 2013 if the Brees Dream falls through …

2011 chiefs in review part dos: individual grades

2012-01-03T22:02:00.002-06:00

In case you failed to read part one …

(late 80s nbc announcer dude voice) “and now, part two of Hunter …” I mean, “and now, part two of the Stevo Chiefs Season in Review” …

Individual Grades, Offense:

* LT Branden Albert: B. I think he’s better on the right side, but he’s a perfectly acceptable blind side tackle. Again, I think he’s better on the right side, and I think he’s a perfectly acceptable blind side tackle. Please, please, please, remember this when I get to the “whatever you do on day two or (possibly) early day three of the draft, please, DRAFT THIS GUY!” segment of this series of posts (I’m guessing it’ll be fourth).

* LG Ryan Lilja: B. No stupid penalties, and Cassel getting hurt wasn’t the line’s fault, so other than for one glaring exception, these guys are getting passing grades. Plus Lilja’s done what he was hired to do: allowed us to transition spots on the line. Waters out, Asomoah in. Next year, Weigmann out, Hudson in. And also hopefully, Richardson out, something less than a turd burgler in*.

(*: you’re welcome, Dick Vermeil fans. Other than his “I’ve got a perfect record up there, 0 and 4” comment about playing in denver, that’s my favorite Vermeil quote ever, calling Terdell Sands a “turd burglar”. Oh I miss you sometimes coach. Not very often. But sometimes.)

* C Casey Weigmann: A. If this is it, he’s had one helluva career anchoring (in the beginning) one of the NFL’s greatest offensive lines ever, and by the end, a perfectly mediocre crew. Thanks for the memories champ.

* RG Jon Asomoah: A. I know some Chiefs fans are still irked at Brian Waters getting cut, then making a Pro Bowl, and that’s fine … but don’t ignore the job that Asomoah did, or the fact that over the next ten years, we’re going to see Asomoah in a lot more Pro Bowls than Waters will appear in. This kid has a bright, bright future in front of him.

* RT Barry Richardson: F. If it was possible to give a grade worse than F, I would. Although maybe F is appropriate, since he’s the biggest f*ck up of a tackle this team has employed since … uuh … Trezelle Jenkins? Right tackle has to be an offseason priority. If Barry Richardson is the best you can do? Then in the words of Mr. Holland, “your best is not good enough”. Earns his F for multiple holding calls, false starts, and of course for failing to block richard seymour not once, but twice, on field goal attempts against oakland.

* C Rodney Hudson: B+. Can also play guard. Likely starting center next fall. I’d still have rather had Ryan Mallett with the 50th pick last spring instead of Hudson, but I’m not going to dwell on that – Hudson has talent and potential, and if your second round pick turns into a ten year starter at center, you’ve done really well.

* WR Steve Breaston: B+. Provided a decent second / third option, took some heat off of Bowe and Baldwin, and generally caught everything thrown in his direction. Had a huge third down conversion in overtime against the Chargers to keep the game winning drive alive as well.

* WR Jonathan Baldwin: C. Everything before week 7 earned him an F. Everything after week 7 earned him an A, so I’m splitting the difference. Had a huge touchdown against the Chargers, and no major on-field issues. (Off the field? Another story. Hence the F before he saw the field.)

* WR Dwayne Bowe: D. Too many high profile drops (his drop against oakland cost us a playoff berth), he’s just not worth the money he’s going to command. The Chiefs would be far better off letting Bowe walk, franchise Carr, and pursue Reggie Wayne in free agency.

* WR Jerheme Urban: B-. Primarily a special teamer. No major gaffes. You can do worse for a fourth receiver than Urban. (See Samie Parker.)

* RB Jamaal Charles: Incomplete. Had a bad first game, but the Chiefs were driving (primarily due to his running) to take the lead early on at Detroit when he blew out his knee. If Charles can return to even 90% of what he was in 2010 next season, the Chiefs are your favorites to win the AFC West no matter what unqualified dolt we line up under center.

* RB Jackie Battle: A+. Gave everything he had, and that was asked of him. Probably the only starting running back in the league that also plays special teams. If he doesn’t return next season, I wish him nothing but the best.

* RB Thomas Jones: F. My God, where do you begin? He broke our first round pick’s hand in a stupid locker room fight. He failed to pick up 3rd and 1 at an alarming rate. If Jones is back next season, someone in the front office has failed.

* FB Le’Ron McClain: B-. Other than me, possibly “The Voice of Reason”, and maybe a mentally deranged person under care at Two Rivers over there on Raytown Road, nobody else believed this team could rally from 0-3 to being in playoff contention entering week 16 … save for Le’Ron McClain, whose Twitter account became must-read for Chiefs fans. I’m fine with him returning for a second season next year. We can do worse (See Mike Cox).

* QB Matt Cassel: B+. Wait, what?!?! Let me answer the “what the f*ck?!?! Last year he wins a division, makes a Pro Bowl, throws 27 TDs (with only 7 INTs and no lost fumbles), and you give him a D, and this year, he’s 4-4 (on the way to 4-5) when he leaves with a broken hand … and you not only give him your LEAST Valuable Player (Offense) award, you give him TWO full grades higher this year?!?!”question I know you are inevitably asking.

First, the LVP award was a group effort, the entire Chiefs QB corps failed in a pathetically epic way this fall. Second, look at the Chiefs after Cassel left. They failed to score more than 19 points in ANY game. (And somehow went 3-4. Amazing.) That tells me that at least Cassel was doing something right. Third, look at his coordinator (his 5th in 4 years, for what its worth). Would you trust Bill Muir to walk the dog to the curb to take a leak? Because I sure as hell wouldn’t. Fourth, look at what he (didn’t) have on the field – his running back, his first round pick, and a competent right tackle that didn’t have him dodging defenders on the 4th step of a 5 step drop.

Blaming Matt Cassel for this season makes little to no sense. The bottom line is that save for one amazing brain fart (the INT at San Diego … and people forget, he rallied us from down 17 to be in position to tie or win), that Cassel did a perfectly acceptable job under center. Do I want him as our long term starter? No. Do I believe he is capable of taking a team to the Super Bowl? Well, crazier things have happened, but hell no.

Would I bring Cassel back as the starter in 2012, with “draft this guy NOW!” waiting in the wings when Cassel’s contract expires after 2013? (Provided my dream “Drew Brees says yes!” scenario falls flat on its collective ass, as I anticipate it will?) Yes. Yes I would.

* QB Tyler Palko: F. In Palko’s defense, his starts were at New England (has home field advantage until the Super Bowl), vs Pittsburgh (top wild card, second best record in conference), at Chicago (was 7-3 until Cutler and Forte got hurt) and at the Jets (at the time, a shoo-in for the playoffs.) To which I say, so? Palko played so awful in all four games, that it’s a credit to the rest of the roster that we managed to win one, and nearly beat the Steelers. If Tyler Palko is on a NFL roster come Opening Day 2012, I would check the GM of that team for mental competence.

* QB Ricky Stanzi: F. If you can’t get on the field ahead of Tyler Palko … and you can’t blame the coaching change for that – Romeo refused to play him either even though the finale yesterday was meaningless – then you suck something awful. Which is why I hated this draft pick last spring, and hate him on the roster even more entering January. In the words of Gregg and I’d old doormat: “Go Away”.

* QB Kyle Orton: D. Wait, what? Yes, a D. What, pray tell, did Orton do? The offense got WORSE every week with him at the helm – 5 scoring possessions vs Packers (who, by the way, finished with the 32nd ranked defense in the league, and we only managed 19 points against them, cracked! Anyone who think the Packers are winning it all, again, 32 Defense. How well did that work out here in 2003 with a MORE prolific offense?), 3 scoring possessions against oakland, and 1 against denver. Orton accounted for three touchdowns – Battle’s run against Green Bay, Bowe’s catch against oakland, and McCluster’s run at denver yesterday. So basically Orton threw one touchdown in three weeks. Wow. Color me unimpressed.

(Cue every denver fan reading this nodding in agreement. Ditto any Bears fans. And Purdue fans. And wherever the hell Orton went to high school, junior high, and played his Pee Wee league ball at.)

Furthermore, if you’re going to blame special teams for failing to win this sh*tty division, you at least have to lay some blame on Orton as well, for his “what the hell is this jackass thinking?!?!” throw in the 2nd quarter against oakland, when he threw into triple coverage in the end zone with no Chief in sight to kill a scoring drive that would have won the game.

There’s a reason why denver cut this guy. There’s a reason why the Bears said “sure!” to taking Jay Cutler over this guy. And we’ve seen it. Simply put, he can’t score. Now, maybe I should sympathize with the guy, since I too have that problem in the sexual arena, but for f*ck’s sake, I’m not making millions of dollars a year to quarterback a football team. If I have to choose between Orton or Cassel, I’m taking Cassel every time. And I’m doubling down on that bet to boot. Even if its as dumb as doubling down on a soft 3 against a 2. (Which I do 90% of the time. And 100% when I’m playing with the house’s money. Sometime, I need to post my theory on the five types of blackjack players that exist. Because I know unlike most of my theories, I’m dead on accurate on that one. And in case I ever fail to post but explain it verbally, I’m conservative / aggressive. Trust me, the theory makes sense when laid out in words.)

Individual Grades, Defense:

* DE Tyson Jackson: D. Cut him. It’s over. This experiment failed. Yes, he got “better” as the year went along, if by “better” you mean he didn’t sh*t his pants in the defensive huddle. Routinely got abused on the line. Amon Gordon is a better option, if you want to “experiment” with the d-line.

* DT Kelly Gregg: F. An abysmal failure. Although to be fair, the guy he replaced (Ron Edwards) didn’t play a down this season, so maybe I should revise this grade. OK, fine. D-. This is the fourth most important upgrade of the offseason (behind (in order) offensive coordinator, right tackle, and 3rd cornerback).

* DE Glenn Dorsey: B-. A solid run stopper. Cannot pressure the passer to save his life. That’s not a good combination for a top five pick four years into his career. Pioli’s got a tough decision to make with Dorsey, who quite honestly, should not be on the field on third down.

* DT Amon Gordon: A+. What a steal! I believe in crediting people when they excel (and ripping them when they fail), so take a bow, Scott Pioli. This might be the free agent find of the decade, and if the Chiefs steal that honor two decades in a row (Priest Holmes last decade, or Brian Waters, take your pick), that’s a good thing. Looking forward to seeing what he can do with more playing time if he replaces Gregg as the starter.

* DE Allen Bailey: C. No major screw-ups, no major contributions. Mediocrity earns a mediocre grade.

* DE Wallace Gilberry: B-. A competent backup defensive end. We can do worse (See Tyson Jackson).

* OLB Justin Houston: B. Like Rodney Hudson, I’d have preferred we spent this draft pick on Arkansas QB Ryan Mallett last spring … but like Rodney Hudson, if we get a 10 year starter who’ll make a couple Pro Bowls out of the pick, I can’t complain that much. Still, until and unless the Chiefs address the gigantic "elephant in the room” that is our quarterback disaster, this team is at best a 10-6 wildcard round loser. Houston had a solid rookie season, and should be a long-term starter here going forward. Provided, of course, he doesn’t flunk yet another drug test for enjoying the wacky tobaccy even more than I do.

* ILB Jovan Belcher: C-. Chiefs can upgrade at this position, but they certainly can do worse. (See “cut” glen cadrez.) Belcher didn’t have a ton of huge plays this year, but played competent run defense, picked off a pass, and didn’t disgrace the position (unlike “cut” glen cadrez.)

* ILB Brandon Siler: incomplete. And HERE is the Chiefs upgrade to the position. Of all the season-ending injuries we suffered, this one might have hurt the worst of all. Can't wait to see this guy back on the field in August.

* ILB Derrick Johnson: A. Finally made it to Hawaii with a deserving Pro Bowl nod. With Houston, DJ, and Hali, we’ve got a solid start on a rock-star linebacking corps.

* OLB Tamba Hali: A+. If the national media gave a damn about this team (or, more specifically, if we gave them a reason to give a damn), they’d be verbally fellating Tamba Hali as the next great young ‘backer in this league. What he’s accomplished the last two years against a double team on nearly every play (since nobody else in the front seven, save for Justin Houston, can generate a pass rush), is nothing short of amazing.

* OLB Andy Studebaker: F. Total regression season. Would be stunned to see him return in 2012.

* ILB Demorrio Williams: F. Totally normal season for him. Will be apoplectic if he returns in 2012.

* OLB Cameron Sheffield: C+. There’s some talent there, but good luck getting playing time in front of Hali and Houston.

* CB Brandon Flowers: A-. Awful start to the season, but from the second half in San Diego in week three onward, was a Pro Bowl caliber cornerback, and multiple national media outlets felt he should have been in the Pro Bowl. He will be before its all said and done later this month, and he’s earned it.

* CB Brandon Carr: A-. Would be an A+ except for the meltdown against oakland, when he got burned twice, both times setting up crucial points for the raiders in the game that ultimately cost the Chiefs a return trip to the playoffs. Resigning Carr long-term should be priority two for the Chiefs this offseason (after the coaching hire), and if necessary, he should be franchised.

* CB Javier Arenas: B. Solid special teamer, mediocre corner. You can do worse than Arenas (see Mark “Mighty Mouse” McMillian.)

* CB Travis Daniels: F. Gotta be honest – I didn’t realize he was still on the roster. I figured he’d already been cut for incompetence.

* S Eric Berry: incomplete. Chiefs fans, if you need a reason to hope, it is this: as good as this defense was? Its best player was on the field for three snaps this year, two after he’d already blown out his knee.

* S Jon McGraw: C-. Shouldn’t be a full time starter, and he knows it as well as anyone, but had no choice due to injury. Performed adequately. I am fine with him returning in a backup role that he’s perfectly suited to play (as in 2010).

* S Kendrick Lewis: B+. Love this kid, love his future, and good Lord, a starting secondary of Flowers / Carr / Berry / Lewis might be the best in the league.

* S Sabby Piscatelli: F. (stevo refusing to waste the space to discuss this worthless piece of sh*t’s season).

* P Dusty Colquitt: A. The Chiefs have the third best punter in the division … and the third best punter in the entire league. The AFC West is loaded with rock-star punters – lechler in oakland, Scifres in San Diego, and Dusty C’s little brother in denver. Makes it imperative that we replace Steve Hoffman with a Pete Rodriguez-type special teams coach to maximize what we have.

* PK Ryan Succup: C. For the record, I’m fine with the contract extension, and congrats on tying the franchise record for most consecutively made field goals. Having said that, two blocked kicks against oakland, a costly miss against San Diego in week 3 – if just ONE of those three kicks goes in, I’m not typing this post for another week.

Individual Grades, Coaches and Front Office:

* Head Coach Todd Haley: C-. The training camp gamble backfired, his devotion to Tyler Palko was baffling at best … but give him this – this team didn’t quit on him at 0-2, down 17 at the half in San Diego. They nearly beat the Chargers, won four straight, and somehow upset the Bears in Chicago before the floor finally gave against the Jets. I would not have fired Haley, for what its worth. His positives outweigh his negatives in my eyes. But I understand the move. I wish him nothing but the best in his future endeavors, and thank him for putting this franchise back on the map last season with our first division championship in 8 years.

* Head Coach Romeo Crennel: D+. Note – this is my grade for him as head coach, not defensive coordinator, which will appear in a few more paragraphs. There will be those who question this grade. Certainly upsetting Green Bay was sweet, and anytime you can beat those f*ckers in blue and orange in their place, it’s a good thing. Having said that … let’s consider three things:

1. The offense, again, got WORSE every week under Romeo. 19 to 13 to 7. The odds of going 2-1 when that’s your offense, are not good. And yet …
2. Explain the oakland loss. Defend it. That was all coaching, specifically a lack of it. This team should be hosting Pittsburgh on Sunday afternoon. The entire game against oakland save for one drive is a clinic in how not to coach. And …
3. What did you see in the last three weeks to convince you Romeo isn’t, you know, Romeo? Penalties everywhere. Wasted timeouts. Pointless challenges. Chaos on offense. Retarded game plans. Crappy special teams. Complete lack of attention to detail.

If Romeo is the hire, I can stomach it, because if you can beat two playoff teams in three weeks as an interim head coach? You earn a passing grade. (Albeit barely). But hiring him is a huge mistake. Ask Dallas how hiring Wade Phillips went. Because hiring Romeo? Is hiring Wade. Its bringing Herm back. It’s going to end badly for all parties involved, especially those of us who consider ourselves to be die hard fans of this franchise.

* Offensive Coordinator Bill Muir: D-. I can’t flunk him because every time you were ready to pull out your Rage Against the Machine voice and scream “f*ck it cut the cord!”, he’d put together an offensive drive that left you thinking “well, maybe he isn’t snoring up there in the booth”. But Muir’s offense failed to top 19 points the last 9 games of the season, and managed to top 20 only twice all year (at Indy and hosting San Diego – you can’t count oakland, the defense was 14 of our 28 in that one). If Bill Muir is calling plays next year, I’m going to submit my name to the “need a new liver” registry just to be safe.

(Update: Muir is allegedly retiring later this week. Praise Jesus!)

* Defensive Coordinator Romeo Crennel: B+. Yes, the last three weeks have been a defensive masterpiece. Especially against Green Bay. Having said that, we lost our opener by 34, game 2 by 45, lost three more by 27 plus, were down 17 at both Indy and San Diego, and suffered epic meltdowns at key moments in the game against denver (the eric decker TD) and oakland (the first play of overtime). If you want to credit Romeo for the last three weeks, please do so (although I am not one of you.) But if you want to credit him for the last three weeks, then by God, hold him accountable for the insanity of the first fourteen.

(Note: in hindsight, B+ was probably too generous. Yes, Romeo got no help from the offense, but the Chiefs lost exactly three competitive games this year (out of six) – at San Diego (when we trailed 17-0 at the half), vs Steelers (within a score the whole way), and vs oakland (when neither team ever lead by more than 7). The other six? To Buffalo by 34, Detroit by 48, Miami (winless at the time) by 28, denver by 7 (misleading – garbage time TD cut it to 7 with :06 left, and Palko threw said garbage time TD after badly, badly, BADLY pissing away the clock in the minute preceding the TD), at Patriots (by 28), at Jets (by 27). In hindsight? B+ is too generous.)

* GM Scott Pioli: B-. The roster he assembled, if healthy, would have won the division, and we would have clinched it by week 15. If healthy. The problem is that there was no depth to speak of. Having Tyler Palko as your backup QB is a fireable offense, and everyone knew that in August, let alone once it showed itself to be a fireable offense in November.

Still, there is no doubt the 2011 Chiefs are better than the 2008 team he inherited, and figure to only get better going forward. The key for Pioli is going to be the quarterback decision. If he cannot find a long-term solution to the position, either in the draft, free agency, or by having Matt Cassel turn into what I don’t believe he is, then Pioli will be gone no later than January 2014. And deservedly so. Five years is more than enough time to figure the position out.

* Owner Clark Hunt: B. Many around here want to blast Hunt for allegedly not “spending money”. What, pray tell, would you have spent it on? Worthless veterans who would have meant the difference between what, a 9-7 team getting its ass kicked on national television on Sunday, instead of a 7-9 team that has plenty of spots available for young, up and coming talent this offseason? I’ll give Hunt this, three fold: (a) you can’t judge the payroll by the cap (Chiefs are 31st in cap room, 14th in actual salaries spent for the 2011 season), (b) the Hunt family paid every cent in cost overruns on the Truman Sports Complex remodel … and note, I didn’t say “Arrowhead remodel”, I said “Sports Complex”, and (c) again, what would you have had Clark Hunt whiz away 50, 60 million on? The talent wasn’t there this offseason!

If failing to p*ss away 50 to 60 million on mediocre talent makes you a “bad owner”? Then this league needs more “bad owners”, if only to avoid another pointless five month lockout. Hunt has resigned every major young player who was about to hit free agency up until now (DJ, Hali, Charles, Flowers, overpaid badly for Cassel). If either Carr or Bowe walks, well … as long as its Bowe, that’s probably not a bad thing long-term. But if both walk? Then call him cheap. Until then, I’m fine with him as an owner. Lock up your good young talent. Preserve cap flexibility to make a splash in free agency and / or the trade market when you’re on the verge of a breakthrough. This is what smart, well run teams do, and it is EXACTLY what the Chiefs have done. Anyone who can’t see that, apparently thinks a 9-7 playoff berth is a ceiling worth preserving. And we can do better than that, Chiefs fans (see Peterson, Carl …)

2011 chiefs in review part uno: the best and the worst

2012-01-03T21:06:00.001-06:00

Whereas the previous post is my favorite post I type each year, uuh, well … this one is always my least favorite to write. Because typing, composing, (somewhat) proofing, and (ultimately) posting this piece? Means the bracelet is no longer on the wrist, and the Chiefs season is over.

At least it ended on a somewhat high note, as the Chiefs won a really god-awful game at fake mile high on Sunday. So, here you go, my look back at the 2011 season, and somewhat of a look forward to 2012, split into multiple parts. Because nobody wants to read a 30 page post.

Here is part one: the highs and lows of the season that was ... as well as the smartest "gamble" the Chiefs could possibly make this offseason. Hint: it involves a phone call at 12:01am on March 4th that would reveal once and for all what we have in Matt Cassel, since there's not a shot in hell in the phone call would result in a new quarterback. And no, that phone call should not be placed to the 317 area code ...

* Best Game: (tie) Chiefs 19, Packers 14 week 15; Chiefs 23, Chargers 20 (OT), week 8. The first might be the second biggest upset in the NFL this season (sorry, but the Saints getting tuned in St Louis ranks higher on my “how did that happen?!?!”-o-meter). The second was the culmination of one incredible month of comebacks, incredible finishes, and for one shining moment, gave hope to the Chiefs Kingdom that 2011 was salvageable.

* Worst Game: raiders 16, Chiefs 13 (OT), week 16. Yes, we lost five games by at least 27 points. Yes, we got tebowed out of the building against denver. But this one is the reason why the Chiefs aren’t playing at 3:30 on Sunday, and the broncos are.

* Favorite Play: The Phumble, vs Chargers week 8. Sometimes, this game delivers a magical moment when you least expect it. Phyllis Rivers fumbling a center exchange for the first time in his career, after the Chargers had seemingly just clinched victory, is one of those moments. Honorable mention to D Bowe’s circus act touchdown catch at Indy week 5, and Kendrick Lewis’ sideline touchdown return at oakland week 7.

* Least Favorite Play: timmy tebow to eric decker, 6 minutes to go, vs denver week 11. denver leading 10-7, the Chiefs have forced third down, and 56 yards later, on a perfect bomb down the sideline, the broncos had sealed victory at Arrowhead for the second time in three years. Dishonorable mention to the opening play of overtime vs raiders week 16, the palmer to darrius heyward-bey bomb that set the raiders up in field goal range.

* Favorite Ongoing Storyline: the emergence of Jackie Battle. No, he’s not a bona fide starter in this league, but given the mess the kid’s personal life is (search the Star for Mellinger’s story on Battle’s mom’s fight with end-stages Alzheimer’s disease), it’s nice to see the little guy succeed.

* Least Favorite Ongoing Storyline: that Romeo Crennel pretty much has sealed the head coaching job. I think this is a colossal mistake. I pray I’m wrong.

* Most Valuable Chief, Offense: RB Jackie Battle. The offense went straight down the crapper even before losing Tony Moeaki, Jamaal Charles, and Matt Cassel for the season, but at least Battle stepped up and provided some semblance of a running game.

* Most Valuable Chief, Defense: CB Brandon Carr. Resigning Carr to a long-term deal had damned well better be Priority Number Two at One Arrowhead Drive right now, behind the coaching hire. And both better get accomplished before free agency begins on March 4th.

* Least Valuable Chief, Offense: QB Matt Cassel. What an absolute waste of a season. And I would have said that before he broke his hand against denver in week 11 and was lost for the season. Dishonorable mention to both of his replacements (Tyler Palko and Kyle Orton), as well as backup Ricky Stanzi, who apparently sucks so bad that he can’t get onto the field after Tyler Palko sh*ts his pants in the huddle. Oh boy Chiefs fans, do we have a GAPING hole to fill under center. (That’s what she said! (rimshot!))

* Least Valuable Chief, Defense: S Sabby Piscatelli. If I try to rationally dissect his season, this paragraph will basically be nothing but creative variable uses of the word “f*ck”. Since I still gotta give him a grade later on, let’s save it for that paragraph, ok? (Plus, it gives you a reason to keep reading. I’m a sneaky bastard like that.)

* Most Improved Chief, Offense: RB Jackie Battle. From preseason star(ter) and special teams backup, to being a competent second option at the running back position. Helluva season for the little kid that could.

* Most Improved Chief, Defense: DT Amon Gordon. Did this guy come out of nowhere or what? And man did he deliver when he was on the field. Helluva bargain bin pickup by GM Scott Pioli this past offseason.

* Best Tailgate: gotta go with the Packers game (week 15), because the fish fry was awesome, the turnout was great, and the Chiefs got the win. But honestly? Uum …

* Worst Tailgate: none. Even my sick game, against the Steelers (week 12), when I was so ravaged by the flu that I could barely emerge from the car for 10 minutes at a time to say hello to people when they arrived? Even that was bearable weather with good friends having a good time. Which reminds me …

* Best Thing To Occur Not On the Field This Season: the weather. How could you beat this? Have we EVER had a season for football like this? Keeping in mind that I avoid preseason games as much as humanly possible (aka “unless it’s a Double Header Day or I have nothing better to do, I ain’t showing up”), you had “shirts optional!” weather for Buffalo, Minnesota, and San Diego (at least for tailgating), “shorts ok!” temps for denver, Green Bay, and oakland, and the Steelers, for being a night game in late November, was perfectly acceptable (save for my 103 degree fever and inability to stop puking, but that ain’t the weather’s fault … at least that night’s weather, anyways.) As for the one game I didn’t cover in that stretch …

* Second Worst Thing To Occur Not On the Field This Season: getting delayed for two hours at Fort Lauderdale, ultimately missing the Dolphins game. Although even this I can’t get too upset about – anytime you can spend a late fall / early winter weekend on a beach in Florida, you have to do it. Especially when it’s a family wedding, and the words “open bar” are a given, not a “God, I hope that’s the case” scenario.

* Second Best Thing To Occur Not On the Field This Season: cheaper tickets! Thank you Clark Hunt and family for lowering my cost next year by $40. I’ve been paying my way into that stadium since 1999, and I have never seen the cost go down. So this is a happy surprise, to put it mildly. A better home schedule (no real duds on there next year – the 3 divisional games, 2 AFC North playoff teams, an Indy team figuring to rebound, plus Cam Newton and Tony G making his (probable) final appearance at Arrowhead as a player), and you LOWER the cost to show up? Sign me up please!

* Worst Thing To Occur Not On the Field This Season: the passing of my seatmate Greg Mitchell. There are people in life you are truly blessed to have met and known. He was definitely one of them.

And because I don’t want to end on a downer …

* My Offseason Top Dream / Wet Dream / “You Want To Sell Tickets? Make the Phone Call Clark!” Fantasy of an Offseason …

Let me state, before I get to part two (the individual grades of each meaningful contributor to the “Fine 53”) that I am perfectly fine with Matt Cassel returning as our starter next year. I know this comes as a shock to most people who know me (and once I post the grades, please – have a stiff drink and / or joint in hand, you’ll need it when I get to Cassel and, more specifically, Orton, given my feelings for at least one of those two gentlemen), but the Chiefs can’t afford to mortgage the next two drafts to move up to the one or two spot and grab Luck or Griffin. It’s not worth it. Sorry. I know, we need a franchise quarterback, and Cassel isn’t one. I get it. I AGREE WITH YOU! So in the words of Carl Peterson, “shut the f*ck up and sit the f*ck down”, and allow me to make my plea.

Because even if he rejects the overtures of the franchise (and he would) … you want to prove you can “cowboy up”, Mr. Hunt? Mr. Pioli? Whoever the next coach is (I’m guessing Mr. Crennel)?

You want to show to a 2.3 million plus metropolitan area that you mean business, that you recognize the growing threat next door to you for the sports entertainment dollars in this town, and just like Carl Peterson 18 years ago ensured the Royals were finished in his tenure as a viable franchise, you want to keep them dead, buried, and hopeless in terms of grabbing the local media spotlight?

Throw 7 years, $145 million at …

Saints free agent quarterback to be Drew Brees.

Is it a horrendous contract offer? Absolutely. The only way you make an insane offer like that -- $20 plus million PER YEAR, over 7 years, for a 30 something year old quarterback, is if “you’re in it to win it”, as Randy Jackson will start saying in about two weeks on “American Idol”.

The ONLY way you make an offer that insane, is if the only thing you care about is winning a championship.

There is not one rational reason to believe Drew Brees will leave New Orleans. There is not one rational reason to believe that Clark Hunt would go over his spend-thrift GM and offer the deal of a lifetime to a quarterback very familiar with this division, who has one Super Bowl ring on his finger, might have a second by the time free agency rolls around, and is your current single-season passing leader.

Other than this.

“You’re in it … to win it”.

Even if Brees rejected the offer (and I believe he would), you could still go to your fanbase and say “you know what, we tried. We recognize the weakness at our quarterback slot as it currently exists. We realize it’s holding us back. So we literally made the largest dollar-per-season in NFL history to fix the problem. And we got shot down. So Matt, uum, we’re behind you buddy!”

And if Matt Cassel, in that spot, reacts as I did in a (somewhat) similar spot eight years ago* … he’ll come out en fuego next fall, and make you think “wow, maybe we can win with this guy”. Because if you can’t get motivated by a below mediocre boss hiring your job out from under you … then your name isn’t Stevo.

(*: the difference being, when my job was "hired out from under me", I got a raise and a promotion. Uum, thanks?)

And you don’t have the fire, the passion, the hatred, that I did for ten months afterwards, when an incompetent boss I had thought he’d be creative and move me to a different area of my department when I worked at Transamerica, literally telling me on Friday the new guy started Monday, and “oh yeah, you’re training him, then starting your new job in two weeks”.

To say that move p*ssed off the “locker room” (aka my co-workers), so to speak, was an understatement.

To say it p*ssed me off, is a grouse understatement of Zues proportions.

Within four months, I had my old job back, as “the prodigy” of Leif (the single worst person I have ever worked with in my life, and that’s saying something, and no, I’m not editing his name, that cunt can rot in hell, and I’m not editing calling that cunt a, uuh, cunt either) was fired for (pick one) incompetence / inability to show up for work / lying on his time card / being stoned at work / leaving work early / lying about his wife being sick to explain said leaving work, being stoned, and failing to meet minimum standards / or the convenient "all of the above"*.

(*: sadly, not one word in that previous paragraph is incorrect in any way, shape or form. Other than I left out the fact that he sexually harassed at least two female employees. I think all of that, plus sexual harassment, qualifies Leif as a cunt. (cue every person who worked with him not only nodding in agreement, but clapping in knowing recognition of that fact). Although to be fair, because I strive for that -- being stoned at work wasn't really a fireable offense in that job ...)

Not even six months after Josh was poop canned, Leif was finally shown the door. The lesson? I’m a very patient, laid back person … until you f*ck with me. Then, it’s on like people sitting on “The Couch” hitting a bong.

If Matt Cassel has any intestinal fortitude in him, seeing a 7 year, $145 million offer to Drew Brees emerge? Would enrage him. Would motivate him to do what he didn’t do last offseason – prepare like the upcoming season is the ONLY thing in life that mattered.

(aka “out to screw his bosses and anyone who stands in his way”. And if he had that attitude? You know damned well the roster would have his back, and then some.)

And if he didn’t have that in him, if he shrugged it off? Then you’d know to cut the cord, immediately, if you were the Chiefs front office. Because if you can’t get enraged at a team attempting to upgrade from you, without even telling you they’re planning to do so, then you have no pride in the work you do.

I had my pride, and ensured both the prodigy and the dolt that hired him were drawing unemployment within a year of their attempted replacement of me. If Matt Cassel has pride in his job, he’d take a Drew Brees contract offer as a slap in the face, and a swift kick to the ass to get said ass in gear.

And if Drew Brees actually said “you know what, why not? I accept?”

Then who gives a sh*t what Matt Cassel would think at that point …

post 500: the annual post

2011-12-26T22:08:00.000-06:00

“I don't have to be anything other
Than the birth of two souls in one.
Part of where I'm going?
Is knowing where I'm coming from.

I don’t want to be anything
Other than what I’ve been
Trying to be lately.

All I have to do is think of me,
And I have peace of mind.

I’m tired of looking around rooms,
Wondering what I’m supposed to do,
Or who I’m supposed to be.

I don’t want to be anything
Other than me ...”

-- “I Don’t Want to Be” by Gavin DeGraw. The anthem of my life. I was privileged enough to see this at KC Live on July 15th, and it’s five minutes of my life I will never forget. 2011 was a good year. Because of not just things like seeing Gavin at Power and Light, but because of, and completely due to, the people that make life worth living. For Post 500 ... thank you. Seriously, thank you. To all of you, who read this site, who know me, who support me, who stand by me, who simply desire to be nothing “other than you”, or at least enjoy the hell out of me being nothing "other than me" ... thank you. I treasure you all, no matter how minor an impact in my life you might think you play ...

---------------------------------

Every year, the “Annual Column” gets harder and harder to write. And that’s a very good thing.

I am way too blessed in life to have this many people I can genuinely call my friends, my family, the people who make this life worth living. I do not deserve all that I have, that is for sure. If I was a cat, I’d be on my eleventh life by now, given how much I’ve screwed up in my past and my present.

But the future? Is always optimistic, because of the people I am going to attempt to thank in some small way below. As always, if I ignore someone, I sincerely apologize. Again, I have so many people to thank that this post could reach “the next great American novel” size proportions if I wrote how I feel about everyone.

So allow me to change the traditional opening (sorry mom and dad), and choose to open with this:

* This is the 500th post on this site. Unreal. This site started because (a) the 2008 conventions were coming up, (b) I knew I’d be recapping them on email every day, so (c) why not shorten the email to a one-line link to my thoughts? It made total, complete, rational sense to me.

Since then, its evolved into a look into who I am, and since so many of my readers compose the material I write about, a look into who you are as well, and for that, I am very thankful. Believe me, without “Dustyland”, I’d only be on about post 325 right now (rimshot!)

So to all of you, thank you for 500 posts, 3 ½ years of blogging, and please, keep the comments and reactions coming, be they here in the comments section, or on email (at teamtito15@yahoo.com), or on Twitter (@teamtito15). They’re always appreciated, no matter how negative they are. I’d rather be hated than ignored.

* Now we’ll get back to the more traditional format, by (as always) thanking the two people whose night of fun, tomfoolery, hijinks, and failure to use protection resulted in me. To my mom and dad, the two greatest (and most patient, understanding, and incredible) parents a kid could have, thank you for the gift of life, thank you for your love and support, no matter how much I f*ck up, and most of all, thank you for showing that a marriage can be a partnership, that marriage isn’t doomed to failure, and I know I for one can’t wait until the massive bash we put on for anniversary number forty next summer. (I trust Drew has the cost covered, right? Right? (crickets chirping ...))

* To my brother, thank you for all that you’ve done this past year. Thank you for being the best friend a guy could ever hope to have. We’ve come a long way from “bashing my head repeatedly against the window sill”. Thanks.

* To your better half, wow. I never imagined a little less than ten years ago, when Drew texted me that “ive found the one”, and found out “the one” was his local bartender, that he could have gained someone as incredible as you. Well, maybe I should have known – of COURSE someone in our family would know the perfect bartender to make his partner in life.

* To the twins, watching you two grow the last year has been amazing. (Even if I still only manage about a 50/50 average in telling the two of you apart. In my defense, if your mom would put a R on Reghan, and a F on Fallyn, Laverne and Shirley style, it’d be so much easier. That, or Reghan? Just start sucking your thumb constantly, that’s the key to telling you two apart). Hearing Fallyn say “uncle!” when I sat down next to her on Christmas Eve might have been the high point of my year.

* To “My Special Little Guy”, who somehow is turning four in a couple months ... where has the time gone? How are you going to be four? It seems like yesterday that I was violating every traffic law known to man, including driving on the curb in rush hour, to make your delivery on time. As always buddy, I’ll deny it if anyone ever calls me on it, but “Unca Teve” plays favorites ... and you’ll always be my favorite.

* To “The Voice of Reason” and his better half, thanks for another amazing year. Sadly, I never got a breakfast burrito this year. That’s gonna change in 2012, even if I have to force it to happen at “stevo using his finger like a gun” point. Another “what are the f*cking odds?!?!” relationship – who’d have thunk you’d meet someone as amazing as Ashley at a wedding reception on St. Patrick’s Day? (And for anyone who doubts how amazing this girl is, let the following fact sink in. Ready? Here goes: we tailgated at her wedding. How many brides are like “yeah honey, its totally cool if you and your friends want to go to the parking lot, at a church, and get sh*t faced drunk for the next two hours, before we face the minister! I’m totally down with that!” I’m going to guess, not many. I love girls that are keepers. Just like I’ll always look back in awe at your husband never giving up on me, no matter how easy it would have been at times. Thank you.

* To “The Kid”, who even if the first digit of your age now matches mine again, you’re still “The Kid” ... or “The Self Proclaimed Champ” ... whatever’s clever, anyways, let’s just say, March 5, 2011 was a day I’d have bet every cent of my future earnings on never happening. And I couldn’t be happier to have p*ssed away that $82! Because ...

* When you have a chance to hitch yourself for life (or something like that) to the likes of a girl like “boasheao”, you HAVE to do it. You HAVE to. Holy cow man, I can’t believe how far beyond your coverage you have kicked. And I couldn’t be happier that you have.

I figure we got one last solid summer of fun left as “The Family”, before you two actually, you know, form a legitimate family. Here’s to believing 2012 lives up to the hope and the promise it has (at least in my eyes).

* And to the fourth member of “The Family”, who would be “The Ex”, thanks for a great year, one of the funnest summers of my life, and for being you. Good luck with the new relationship, and for the love of God, hit the f*cking headpin more often in the new year, ok? If only so that we don’t have DJ blaming us if we blow a league championship.

* To “The Crush” ... yes, it’s a “crush”. Christ, I threw together the crappiest mistletoe ever constructed in the history of mankind just to steal one kiss on Saturday (and I make zero apologies for it). I knew the second I met you that you were a keeper. Life is what it is, and I wish you nothing but the best out of it. If only because you deserve it after the “Stubbs Experience”, and sweet Jesus, do you deserve it after what he put you through.

* There are plenty more friends and family and “Chiefs family” to get to ... but sadly, we lost a giant this year. I guess technically, we lost Greg last year, when he suffered his stroke during the bye week, but kept fighting and hanging in there for a little over a year, before passing this past October. Life is way too damn short, hence part of the reason for this column, so that at least once a year, I record for as long as an Internet exists what I feel about the people I care for. Section 132 will never be the same, and yes, it pains me that I typed those words only seven years ago about Randy as well. Chris, Dr. Frank, hang in there. We’ve got your back. Always.

* To Russ and Mona, my second parents, thank you for your continued friendship, kindness, hospitality, and couch to crash on after a glass or two too many. Most importantly, thank you for your friendship.

In case I’ve never put the “how did Sunday Funday at the Pool come to be” in type before ... well, I posted earlier this year on what “Double Header Day” means, and the second of those, in August of 2003, it was so freaking hot that night at the Vikings game, that I got the “hey, why not swing by the pool after you go to the Royals game tomorrow?” So, I swung by ... and wouldn’t dream of spending a 100 degree Sunday in July anywhere else (other than maybe the first few hours of it tailgating at a Royals game). Ten years. Unbelievable. I am way too lucky and blessed in this life.

* To a few “Pool Folks”, and I’m combining a few to save space, thank you for all you bring to the table, especially come about 6:30, 7pm on a Sunday evening when Russ gets done smoking or grilling on the West Wing. I know I’m going to forget at least three people, but here goes my best effort at remembering everyone: Tom and Laurie and your kids, Mike and Christy and your kids, Stacey and Jose and your kids, and whatever obvious people I’m missing, I’m definitely looking forward to that magical Friday in April when I get the call to “help us open the pool in style!”

* To Susan, or Sussan, or Pam, or ... to Susan, I’m glad you’re in this group. Sometimes the best things in life, emerge from something you can’t envision ending positively. What can I say, sh*t happens. Glad you’re a part of us.

* To the Chiefs tailgating crew, and wow, I’m gonna miss at least 3 or 4 people in this grouping, but thank you for making the “second generation” of tailgating even sweeter than the first. And here’s to believing that in 2012, we get back on track, return the AFC West championship where it belongs, to One Arrowhead Drive, and have not 10, not 11, but 12 fun home games (at least 10 of which I plan to attend. Sorry, until I see what sh*tty squads compose our preseason slate, or see that “Yes!!! Double Header Day!!!” exists, I refuse to commit to preseason football). So, to (ok, here we try ...) ... Phil, Grandma, Texas, and the rest of their crew, Roger and his crew next to us, Castro and his delinquents across from us, Anthony and Jaimmie, Michael, Ana, Paul, and whoever else from your group I inadvertently omitted, Tyler, Will and Robin, “Tony and Lisa” (yes, I know: Jeff and Paula) ... and anyone I missed, please, you are always welcome to join us for a Sunday of fun.

* To the “first generation” Chiefs tailgating crew that has moved on to its own deal, you’re missed, and I still love ya. So to Bill and Vessie, Joe and Robert, Debbie, Beth, Davey and Tracey and your kids, Jennifer and Tony, even Maria, here’s hoping 2012 goes really well for y’all, and I at least wish each of you nothing but the best as the new year dawns.

* To the “57th Terrace Regulars”, and I’m lumping three of you into the group, thank you for all that you are, for the comic relief at least two of you provide, and for the friendship, love and support you all provide. Thank you Nancy, Griffin, and Donnie. And yes, THE unintentional comedy moment of the year had to be Donnie’s reaction to meeting Damien for the first time. Speaking of “Doc” ...

* To “The Kid’s” friends and family that I am grateful to know, Merry Chrismukkah, Happy New Year, and “don’t be a stranger” wishes and dreams to Damien and his lovely other half, to Mark and Sarah (congratulations!), to Mickey and Amy and Owen (congratulations!), Brett, and to Aunt Vickie and Beth, best of all to you all. Especially Vickie and Beth, that trip to Scottsbluff and the tailgate for the Royals / Cardinals game was way too much fun!

* Which means I added another Vickie (I apologize if I botched the spelling) this year too, in “boasheao”’s mom and her dad Bill, plus her brother Wade. I don’t say this often about someone, and maybe I’m stepping out on a foot thick limb here ... but you won’t regret adding Dusty to your lives. And I’m glad to add you to mine.

* OK, now the other ex-roommate’s friends to give praise to, most of which I count as my own as well. To Brent, congrats champ! If I had to cede my spots on G’s couch to anyone, I’m glad it was you, you deserve it. And good luck with the whole marriage thing. If the last few friend’s weddings I’ve seen planned out are a guide, I’d suggest you invest heavily in vodka sales the next few months, you’ll definitely want some. To Jasson and Tara and the kids, best wishes in the new year. And to Brent’s friends from Carolina, Mark and Will and Jared, we definitely gotta take in a KU game again ... in a Snuggie ... after a few drinks with Brent’s awesome folks. I definitely want a “Mark-a-Rita” come next September at Harbor Lights. (brent voice) Christ Stevo, that was TURRIBLE! Even by your standards! (stevo reply voice) uuh, yeah, that might be the worst joke I’ve ever typed ...

* To my ex-TA friends, I wish I’d seen you more this past year, but again, sh*t happens, life evolves, but it’s still sweet to keep track of what happens with you, even if we aren’t spending every Friday night getting bombed at P Otts anymore. So, to Hadley and Shari, Brett and Shannon, Heath and Sarah, Phil and Lacey (congrats!), my old boss Mary, Scott and Rachelle (muy congratulations!), Tim, and everyone I’m forgetting (and odds are, if I didn’t mention you, I currently work with you, because “social media policy” at “stevo’s current employer” is too ridiculous to name-drop either people or corporations), thank you for helping shape me into the absolutely mediocre corporate flunkie that I am! (At last count, I work with 12 – 12! – ex-Transamerica employees. The talent drain the shutdown left behind? Is why TA is in the sh*tter. Stunner – you shut down 700 plus talented, competent people, and your business dries up. What a SHOCKER!!! I could turn the rest of this post into a “why corporate America is THE single greatest evil in the world today” post, but why bother – even Satan is nodding his head in agreement at that previous statement.)

* Two more before we hit the free-for-all finale. Congrats to my cousin Kristin, for marrying one helluva great guy in Bryan last month. And I’m not just saying that because I got to spend hours on the beach in November. (OK, fine, that’s at least 11% of the reason for the shout-out. Fine, fine, 12%.) Also, so glad that I got to see the whole extended family on my dad’s side for the first time in a long time, including my uncle Bruce and aunt Marsha, my aunt Gail (always my favorite aunt), my cousin Spencer and his wife Sam, my cousin Jordan, and my cousin Zach (told you we’d have your back at the bar). Plus the extended family – Fred and Nancy, Skip and Sandy, and because anytime you can legitimately ask as a minister walks in the door “wait, is he wearing assless chaps?”, you HAVE to show up. God I love Miami. Let’s pray the schedule works favorably and the Chiefs and Dolphins both finish in 3rd next year, to ensure a return visit.

* And also to my favorite cousin, Brooke, and her husband Craig. God bless it I wish y’all lived in KC instead of Milwaukee ... but then, I wouldn’t have my winter get-away for a Bucks game disguised as a “spend time with my favorite family members” vacation.

* Time for the final shout-outs. To my buddies, friends, amigos, pals, descomisatos ... Neeck, Phil and Jenny, fantasy football folks, fantasy basketball folks, Cassie, Kelli (I think I spelled it right), Kaela, our float trip neighbors from hell on Floatapalooza Uno this summer (although I liked 3 of you! Its just your fourth who drove our group bat sh*t crazy), my co-workers Steve and Carol, (insert ex-Transamerica people here), Ginny, Courtney, Lucy, Pat, Brad, to my bowling league friends Penny, DeHart, Ash and Cam, Ammie, Dale and Susan, the Hoxsie’s, Mark, Wayne (our Gate 6 overseer as well), the Shepherds and Graham, Daryl, the Pink Ladies, the McPeek’s. To Pickell, my gambling buddy at all hours of the day. To anyone else I’ve forgotten, thank you for the year that was.

A year that opened with a Chiefs playoff home game for the first time since 2003. A year that closed with a brutal home defeat that cost us a home playoff game (potentially). Had one helluva run in between, a lot of things chronicled on this site for your amusement, your enjoyment, and your “thank God I’m not this f*cked up!” satisfaction.

I enjoyed the hell out of 2011, thanks to all of you mentioned above, as well as the unmentioned who read this site on a daily / weekly / monthly / “somehow I stumbled onto this” basis. Thank you for all that you mean to me, and I truly do mean that. I am nothing without all of you. “Either we live together, or we die alone”. I’d much rather live together. If only because (the beatles voice) in my life, I have loved you all ...

chiefs! raiders! where "anyone but denver!" happens ...

2011-12-25T19:19:00.003-06:00

“Baby I thought you and me would stand the test of time.
Like we got away with the perfect crime.
But we were just a legend in my mind.
I guess that I was blind.

Remember those nights dancing at the masquerade?
The clowns wore those smiles that wouldn’t fade?
You and I were the renegades,
And some things never change.

It made me so mad cause I wanted it bad for us baby.
Now it’s so sad cause whatever we had ain’t worth saving ...

If the love that I’ve got for you is gone?
If the river I’ve cried ain’t that long?
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong,
And this ain’t a love song.

If the pain that I’m feeling so strong
Ain’t the reason I’m holding on?
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong,
And this ain’t a love song ...”

-- “This Ain’t a Love Song” by Bon Jovi.

-------------------------

First of all, congratulations to the oakland raiders. Whatever I may think of what I paid to witness yesterday, they earned that win. Romeo Crennel threw every damned thing in the arsenal at oakland’s offense. Truly, the Chiefs defensive effort yesterday was one of the most epically coached games I have ever seen. We made one mistake all day long on defense.

Unfortunately, that mistake occurred at the one moment we couldn’t allow it to occur, on a gorgeous 55 yard bomb to open overtime from carson palmer to darrius heyward-bey, setting up the raiders in gimme field goal position, and finally putting the finishing nails into the coffin of the Chiefs 2011 season.

But up until that play? The atmosphere in that stadium, the play on the field, for anyone who ever wonders what it was like in the 1990s, what it was like in the Marty years, to play at Arrowhead? THAT is what it was like. I loved it. Except for, you know, the whole ending to the game.

Having said that, there were three things made painfully obvious in that game yesterday, three things that the euphoria over shocking the Packers hid for a week, but the raiders drug out into the middle of the room and put on full display for all Chiefs fans to deal with, and those three things are this:

1. Romeo Crennel has as much business being a head coach as I do. After not overruling that fourth down QB (non) sneak? FIREABLE offense. CAPITALIZATION on FIREABLE. Because sorry Romeo, I love what you did with the D the last two years, but when you FLUNK Stevo Rule 34, I have no use for you. Sorry. It's over. Do not pass go, do not collect your $200, and for f*cks sake, figure out that on fourth and a godd*mned chain link, you do NOT call a 7 yard delayed handoff, you FALL FORWARD and take the godd*mned chain link!

Seriously, I have not been that outraged at a playcall by the Chiefs at Arrowhead, since either (a) the fake punt against denver in 2009, or (b) not going for 4th and 1 against denver in 2002. Both of those games led to epic Stevo meltdowns and multiple sick days from me drinking the disgust away. Color me shocked that I managed to crawl out of bed for Chrismukkah today. Shocked.

2. Bill Muir has less business being the play caller than a five year old who has to wear a padded helmet for his own protection. Either Muir is mentally retarded, or he's suffering from senility. Those are the only two acceptable explanations for that fourth down play call with seven to play, down 4, near midfield, on 4th and a chain link. Either he's mentally retarded, or he's lost his mind. Either way, he's not qualified to call plays. Oh, and ...

3. Whatever it costs, the Chiefs MUST acquire a franchise quarterback this offseason. If that means dealing multiple first round picks, do it. If that means tossing in established players to sweeten the deal, do it. Scott Pioli, what you saw yesterday should make painfully obvious to you that the Matt Cassel experiment will not work. You MUST pay WHATEVER the cost is to acquire a franchise quarterback, and you MUST do it by the time the Chiefs are on the clock on the last Thursday in April.

I’m not here today to bash the Chiefs effort – it was perfect yesterday. And in many ways, I’m here today to give genuine praise to these guys. Who would have ever thought, walking into the Vikings game three months ago, that the Chiefs would be one 49 yard field goal attempt away from controlling the fate of the division? (Or more specifically, one dropped gimme touchdown pass by Dwayne Bowe in the second quarter. If the Chiefs franchise Bowe instead of Brandon Carr, the fanbase should march en masse to One Arrowhead Drive, and refuse to leave until Scott Pioli is either fired or lynched, and I don’t give a damn which option Clark Hunt chooses. For the record, I vote "lynch", there's no hope for you if you opt for Bowe over Carr, so just pull the f*cking plug.)

As I noted before heading in yesterday, whatever happens, these guys never quit. They never gave up. Even to the bitter end, after bey made the catch and every person in the stadium knew oakland was going to win, the defense still forced the raiders to lose yardage on the next two plays (janikowski kicked the game winner on 3rd down). They fought to the bitter end. For that, I will always be grateful for the 2011 Chiefs. If nothing else, we know the make-up of this team is set for years to come. They aren’t soft, like the Herm era Chiefs. They don’t lay down on defense, like the Vermeil era Chiefs. They don’t look completely befuddled and confused, like the Gunther era Chiefs.

For the first time since 1997, we have a team with the proper emotional make-up to win in this league. Now all we need to do is get a quarterback that plays at a franchise-type level when it matters most, with the game on the line. Oh, and a head coach whose name is not Romeo Crennel.

As always, here’s your (slightly later than) morning after recap ...

* Something I forgot to mention from last week: some dude trying to see all 31 NFL stadiums, made his way around before the Packers game, and posted some pretty sweet pics of our tailgating setup on his website. Phil and “Texas” and Grandma (our tailgating neighbors) take up the end of page 4 of the early morning pics, and our group takes up most of page one of the mid-morning pics. (And yes, I am the “definitely inebriated, possibly high” guy in shorts and a Santa hat in pictures 4 and 5 of the mid-morning pics. Ladies, amazingly enough – I am single. And I have few if any moral standards! I mean, look at that sexy guy in the shorts! How could you not want to tap that?!?! Let’s move on before my mom keels over dead from embarrassment and/or fear of grandkid numero quatro (again, ladies? none of them mine!) after reading this paragraph ...)

* Only four people rode the Bus yesterday: me, Russ, Mona and Susan. Everyone else was coming separately because they had various holiday get-togethers to go to. Which begs two obvious questions, and I ask these knowing full well that I blew off the first of two family get-togethers yesterday*, and that I’m going to catch hell for it later today:

1. What idiot schedules a holiday get-together in the middle of a Chiefs game? Or, if you lived in say western Nebraska, what moron would schedule a holiday get-together in the middle of the broncos game? Exactly. You don’t do it. It’s your team, fighting for its season’s life. For crying out loud, it’s ridiculous. Here’s a thought -- if you have ANY doubts about what time to schedule a major get-together, please, think of the biggest sports fan you know of, and give him or her a call to confirm that nothing big in the sporting world is going down at your proposed event time. Trust me, you won’t regret it. And if anything, your guests who are being forced at gunpoint to attend your event will appreciate you for it. (cue “the voice of reason” nodding violently in agreement ...) And also:

2. If you do schedule these things in the midst of a must-win game for the home team, you void any and all right to hold someone failing to show up against them. Don’t schedule something for 3pm when the game doesn’t end until 3:15, and then you still have to factor in drive time home, clean up time, and drive time across town. Don’t schedule something for 3 when the earliest someone can be there is 5:30, then get all b*tchy about said person not showing. Deal? Deal.

(*: if you had “Stevo missed the family function that involved going to Mass”, congratulations, you’re a winner! That’s another thing that bugs me, folks who have no use for religion 50 weeks a year, then show up for Easter and Christmas, as if that makes the other 50 weeks excusable. I mean, you’re kidding right? You really don’t think the higher power you’re showing reverence for can’t see through the charade? And to think people wonder why I so strongly believe in Stevo Rule 11.)

* The gates opened early! Wide open and ready to go by 8am. That came as a total shock, because the line to get in wasn’t even halfway back to Stadium Drive yet, when our parking attendant came by, took the parking stub, and announced “5 minutes (til we open)”. I had to haul ass to save spots (since I was the only one there to do it). Luckily, no problems.

* For being the last home game of the year, being played on December 24th, you know what? Zero weather complaints. Especially once you got inside. It was freaking HOT in the lower bowl yesterday. It felt like 80 degrees in there for most of the game, and I am not joking about that. We had one empty by us yesterday as (sadly) Chris had slipped and fallen on some ice, and didn’t head out as a precaution (Dr. Frank thought she might have suffered a slight concussion.) Her chair quickly became a closet, as people were shedding coats and sweatshirts like there was no tomorrow. By the third quarter, I was down to a t-shirt, so was the guy in front of me, and nobody had on a coat anymore. You couldn’t ask for better for a December home game. When you consider the only crappy weather game we had was the Sunday nighter against Pittsburgh, and that wasn’t crappy at all, just a little bit cold, we lucked out big time. Let’s hope that continues into 2012!

* The menu yesterday was an assortment of smoked items. raider ribs, corned beef, ham, turkey, with some mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, lasagna, and chili as the side items. (See, I told you that you didn’t want to miss this game.) Perfect way to close out 2011.

(Well, except we still have one game to go, but its on the road, and technically, its in 2012. Plus its my birthday game, against those f*ckers from denver. Let’s ruin their season guys. Let’s f*cking RUIN their season!!!)

* Yes, I noted to EVERY raiders fan by me yesterday (all of which were shockingly tolerable) “anyone but denver. If you guys win, go win this division. ANYONE but denver. For as much as raider fans allegedly hate San Diego more, you didn’t see it yesterday – all five of them by me said the same thing in return, if we can’t win this, then go pound denver next week. Can it be? Has timmy tebow united multiple fan bases together through hate and disgust? Who says the man isn’t Christ-like!

* We wound up with close to 15 by the time everyone got there, including “The Crush” and her sister and dad.

* Phil and his crew decided to create a “Beer Christmas tree”, by hanging their empty beer cans on the newly planted tree next to them as ornaments. I thought it was awesome. I even added a Coors Light or two as my contribution.

(a beer-mukkah miracle! photo: me via the whatever the hell brand flip camera thingy i have is.)

* Should probably back up a minute or two to the pre-pre-party on Friday night. We’re sitting around the table talking, and Josh’s sister is there. From the “what are the f*cking odds?!?!” file, or at least the “it IS a small world after all” department, I’m being polite, making small talk, and ask her what she does, because I swear to God, from the second I walked in the door and saw her, I was like “I know this chick from somewhere”. And I was pretty sure it wasn’t from a random Friday night pickup at the Eclipse.

I forget what her current job is, but she notes “before that, I worked for an insurance company”. I was like “really? I’ve been in insurance for twelve years, who’d you work for?” If you had Transamerica, congratulations! She was in the C&L department (where my 2nd of my 3 bosses this year managed until TA up and moved five years ago), so she and I started rattling off names of people we knew, and what they were up to (if we knew anything about them).

I mention this for two reasons.

1. She has spent time on the couch at Stubbs. If you’ve ever spent time on the couch at Stubbs, you’re a solid person in my book, save for one guy. And sure as sh*t, the reason I found out she’d spent time on the couch? Was because:

2. Actual conversation as best I remember it:

(his sister) Hey you remember a guy named Ben Clark?
(stevo) (nearly spits out glass of merlot)
(stevo) (getting angry) Yeah! Deadbeat ex-roommate!
(everyone else) (laughing at my reaction)
(stevo) (fully enraged) That f*cker owes me and Dusty thousands of dollars! (slams fist on table)
(his sister) I take it you two aren’t friends.
(stevo) not since the day we forcibly evicted him.
(his sister) Wait. You did what?

So I got to retell the story of one of my favorite days of 2008, the night DJ finally reached his breaking point and kicked his ass to the curb. Ben even cried. It was neat. Hopefully he’s found a semi-warm cardboard box under a dangerous overpass in a really unsafe part of town to live at by now.

(Should probably note, 2008 had many good days – my nephew was born, KU won the national championship, the upset of denver at Arrowhead, the Olympics, the conventions, meeting “the ex” and “boasheao”, my first ever float trip (and go figure, who knew I’d love a trip that involves sitting in the sun, drinking yourself silly, so much that now I go monthly in the summer, and I’d go bi-weekly if I could find anyone else to go that much). But no two days may have made me happier than kicking his ass out, and the night a (possibly) intoxicated Stevo and (possibly) influenced Dusty finally had enough of his remaining sh*t cluttering up the basement, so we moved everything to the burn pile out back and lit it up. We don’t need no water, let that mother f*cker burn! Burn! I think I have anger management issues. Anyways, back to the recap!)

* “The Crush” and I teamed up at washers against Anthony and Jaimmie. I’m beginning to think I’m the weak link at this game, as once again, Team Stevo got crushed.

* Had to love Megan’s reaction when “Don’t Stop Believin’” came on the iPod. Her dad and I were talking at that point, and her dad goes “that’s her karaoke song”. So yes, for the next four minutes, we got the full on concert. I loved it. If only because ten minutes later, my karaoke song came on, “Sweet Caroline”.

That, and the moment I knew this girl was a keeper, was the first time I remember her being over on the couch at Stubbs, and her phone rang, and the ringtone was “Don’t Stop Believin’”. And she didn’t pick it because of the Sopranos finale a few weeks earlier. That’s a keeper.

* My drink of choice yesterday was vodka and what I believed was apple juice. Uuh, it wasn’t – it was apple pie shots. Let me just say, adding vodka to that concoction, takes it to a whole other level of goodness.

* Sign you might enjoy alcohol a little: when you bring an extra pan, just so you can boil the Everclear and the apple pie shots on the grill.

* Sign I might have enjoyed alcohol a little too much Friday night: I forgot the dugout in the car. There was at least one fellow tailgater ready to whip my ass over that brain fart (deservedly so), and sadly, I didn’t have DJ coming later to bail me out. Sucks to be me sometimes. Especially how good the stuff in there right now is.

* Before I get into the game highlights, and I’ll have more to say about this next point later tonight (hopefully) or tomorrow, when I finally post “The Annual Column” (and yes, I have been saving it to be Post 500 on this site. This post is 499. I figured if I drug it out, I could time it with Christmas and maybe 500 posts. I’m SNEAKY good like that!), let me thank the new additions to tailgating this year, and extend a warm open invite to please, join us this summer for Royals tailgates, and please, come back next fall to reclaim our division title that either denver or oakland is going to desecrate next week. To Anthony and Jaimmie, Paul and whoever the chick is with him (I apologize, I am TURRIBLE with names. Ask Tony and Lisa ... I mean, Jeff and Paula, who I still somehow call Tony and Lisa FIVE FREAKING YEARS after they started tailgating with us), Michael and Ana and everyone else in that group, please, don’t be strangers.

Royals tailgating starts in mid-April. Hell, if the group we had for San Diego, for denver, for Green Bay, that was a well-oiled machine by oakland, if we get that throughout the summer and promises for the fall? I will break my own stated convictions and possibly attend a preseason game next summer. Possibly. I ain’t promising sh*t until I see what crappy squad I’m asked to pay $80 plus parking to watch scrimmage against.

Which reminds me ...

* Thank you Chiefs organization for lowering our season ticket costs next year! That has NEVER happened since I started paying for my ticket 12 years ago. NEVER. Thank you for that $40 savings. I promise I will spend it irresponsibly either filling up the cooler with beer, or the dugout with something other than beer. And possibly putting some vodka in the flask.

* We broke down and headed in about 11:15am. Let’s just say, it was a very late arriving crowd yesterday. Lot G didn’t fill up back to our location until we were walking it, and usually G is overflowing by 10:30.

* Funniest moment pre-game: it was Fan Appreciation Day yesterday, and this chick behind me goes “how do they know the name of the person sitting in that seat” when they gave away 2012 season tickets to someone. Really? You have to ask? It’s called “rigged for season ticket holders” dear. “Rigged for season ticket holders”.

* KC Wolf sketch: Wolf gets accosted by some raiders fans, chases raiders fans down tunnel, find a conveniently placed ATV, and proceeded to chase raiders fans down and beat them senseless. A+ effort!

* Some dude on a trumpet played the National Anthem. Let’s just say, it had nowhere near the emotional impact that the sole trumpeter at IMS playing “Taps” in the 500 pre-race program has.

* Chiefs win the toss, choose to defer. First brain fart of the day. Always take the ball guys, especially in overtime. Always take the ball.

* raiders return the kick to the Chiefs 14. I was about apoplectic for the missed blatant block in the back oakland got away with. It would be just about the only thing oakland got away with all day – Mike Carey and his crew were beyond flag happy, right down to the point that Justin, the raiders fan in front of me, turned around right before the coin flip for overtime and goes “they should just toss a flag, they’ve been pretty good as tossing those all day”. Brought the section down. I love fans with a sense of humor, even if they probably just escaped from prison and/or are on a weekend furlough.

* I noted up front that the Chiefs D was flawless virtually all day – this opening drive was no exception, as the raiders had to settle for a field goal after three meaningless plays.

* After a Chiefs punt, carson palmer is intercepted by DJ, and the Chiefs are in business at the raiders 35. Cue a new (and hopefully very short lived) post gimmick I’m going to call “WWYDIYWBM”. “What Would You Do If You Were Bill Muir?”

The situation: 3rd and 6 at the oakland 8 yard line, trailing 3-0, late 1st quarter.

The four options:
a. Kyle Orton rollout, keeping run or pass as an option.
b. Kyle Orton shotgun, ensuring pass, but with four receiver options.
c. Shotgun handoff to Thomas Jones.
d. Assume you can’t make first down, and kick the field goal.

Amazingly, Ol’ Bill didn’t choose option (d) ... but he did choose option (c). Go figure, TJ gets nothing, and for the third time in two weeks, the Chiefs kick a field goal of 25 yards or shorter. Don’t worry – it wasn’t the last time that would happen yesterday.

* After trading a pair of punts, the raiders drive to the Chiefs 35, and line up for the long field goal. And in the second of at least four “WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU THINKING?!?!” moments on special teams yesterday, the raiders fake the field goal, and shane lechler completes a gorgeous pass to a wide open gunner, who rumbles untouched for the touchdown.

Thankfully ... it’s the oakland raiders. Who are flagged for a delay of game penalty. janikowski misses the ensuing 59 yarder off the crossbar, no damage done.

* The Chiefs take over, and aided by three oakland penalties, are in business inside the 15 with a 2nd and 6. THIS is the play that cost us the game. Ignore Succup’s blocked field goals – THIS is the play that did us in, as Dwayne Bowe drops a gimme pass in the end zone. It was in his hands. There were no defenders there to make the play. He took a step, and dropped the ball, he just dropped it.

Again, Mr. Pioli – if you franchise this waste of space over Brandon Carr, you should be fired on the spot, if not hung from a tree as an angry mob in white sheets with burning torches cheers said hanging. We don’t need Dwayne Bowe to win in 2012. If anything, he kept us from winning in 2011. Let someone else deal with his worthless ass.

* The very next play after the dropped touchdown, Kyle Orton shows why he’s Kyle Orton, and is picked in the end zone on a horrifically thrown ball that even I would have intercepted. There wasn’t a Chiefs receiver within 10 feet of where the ball was thrown. If either Kyle Orton or Matt Cassel is under center on Opening Day next year, I’ll be prepared to don the sheet and light the torch, with a noose in my hand.

* Thankfully, it’s the raiders, and carson palmer immediately chucks an INT back to the Chiefs, as Javier Arenas intercepts a long pass on 3rd down. Chiefs have the ball at their own 35 at the two minute warning, and drive down the field, setting up the first of Succup’s 49 yard attempts. Succup had just tied the franchise record for most field goals consecutively made earlier in the quarter, so of course, richard seymour comes untouched up the middle and block this attempt at the end of the half. We’re tied at 3 headed to the locker rooms, and the Chiefs get the ball to open the half. I can live with it.

* Couldn’t tell you a thing about halftime – I ran to the bathroom, grabbed a few beverages for our section, and by the time I got back, the teams were back on the field. That’s a successful halftime in my book.

* Chiefs go three and out to open the half, and oakland immediately responds with a gorgeous 60 yard touchdown bomb by carson palmer. The coverage was there, the throw was that perfect. Disgusting. 10-3 oakland after the extra point.

* The Chiefs respond, driving 70 plus yards in a little under four minutes, converting a huge 2nd and 20 along the way, to kick a field goal and pull to within 10-6.

* After forcing a three and out, the Chiefs again are driving, having reached oakland territory and facing a 3rd and short. Unfortunately, Kyle Orton was under center for us, and threw another horrendous pass that the raiders intercepted. Just like with the final play of the Steelers game, Dwayne Bowe appeared to do nothing to break up the pass. But just like with the final play of the Steelers game, unless Dwayne Bowe has a 20 foot wingspan, there was nothing he could do.

* And once again, Romeo’s defense was up to the challenge, as was the crowd. It was very loud in there, and the defense forced a three and out. No damage done, especially in light of the fact that Succup wasn’t hitting a 53 yard field goal. Not yesterday, anyways.

* The Chiefs again get a drive going, and face a 4th and 1 at their own 43 with about 6 minutes to play. And by 4th and 1, I mean fourth and maybe an inch. Literally less than a chain link after the measurement. The Chiefs had no choice, they had to go, down 4, at home, in a must win game, and needing a simple inch to keep the drive alive.

Unfortunately, Bill Muir calls our plays. In section 132, this hot as hell almost 35 year old was screaming “just fall forward! Just snap the f*cking ball and fall forward!” Of course, the Chiefs call a drawn out delayed handoff. Battle is stuffed for a loss. I was irate. That was an indefensible play call, and anyone who defends it has no f*cking clue how to call an offense in the NFL, or a Pee Wee league team. If Romeo Crennel had a clue, he would have overruled that play call. Not overruling it is a fireable offense in my book. He’s Herm Junior folks. If you want Herm Edwards running this team, then please, let’s hire Romeo Crennel. If like me you aspire for something more than a 9-7 wildcard berth, please, let’s hire someone who can do better than that.

* The raiders drive 30 yards over the next 4 minutes, executing a near perfect drive. They bled four minutes off the clock, moved into gimme field goal range, and hit said field goal, taking a touchdown lead at 13-6 with 2:57 to play. The way the Chiefs had played all day, there was not one legitimate reason to think they could get the score they needed.

That’s why they play the game.

* And if I’m going to rip him when he f*cks up, like on his previous play call on 4th down ... then I have to praise him when he gets the situation perfectly called. And Bill Muir’s play calling on this drive, was flawless. A 15 yard pass to D Bowe gets us to our 35. Another quick pass to Bowe moves us to midfield. And then, coming out of the two minute warning, THE play call of the year.

Facing 2nd and 10 at midfield, facing a heavy oakland blitz, Muir had a delayed screen to DMC called. It worked PERFECTLY, as McCluster avoided the first wave of defenders, and it was a footrace to the end zone! To the 20, the 10, the 5 ... tackled at the 3. Son of a b*tch. The way Kyle Orton plays in the red zone, any Chiefs fan had to be concerned.

Except that the very next play? Was a gorgeous pass to Steve Breaston in the front corner of the end zone. Touchdown! Holy crap, we’ve caught them!

* I hadn't cried in that stadium since "The Stand II" to open the 2010 season. Yes, I cried after Breaston's touchdown yesterday. If that means I need to "man up", then a certain broncos fan who reads this site somewhat religiously can go eff herself. You NEVER apologize for enjoying a moment like that was. NEVER.

(That, and the last time I checked, we have "indisputable visual evidence" of your husband crying at your wedding. In his defense, I'd have been balling too ... but if he didn't have to "man up", then godd*mmit, I'm not either.)

(Oh, and off the top of my head, I can recall 9 moments I've cried in that stadium the last 12 years, since I moved back here after college and was guaranteed to show up every week (other than pesky airport delays or flu bugs getting in the way of said showing up)? Adam Vinatieri's missed FG from 23 yards as time expired, vs Patriots in 1999; Mike Cloud's punt block vs Rams in 2000; Dante Hall's return vs denver in 2003; LJ's last second TD plunge vs oakland in 2005; "The Stand" confirmed on replay, vs denver in 2005; "Brave" Bennie Sapp taunting the donkeys on their bench in 2006; LJ's touchdown run to clinch the win vs denver in 2008; "The Stand II" vs San Diego in 2010; and Orton to Breaston to keep hope alive yesterday. 9 in 12 years ... although I cried enough after LJ's run to beat those f*ckers in 2008 that it probably counts as 23,093,653,587 times. "Man Up". Come on.)

* And have I mentioned yet how solid Romeo’s defense was yesterday? The raiders immediately go 3 and out, the final play of which was nearly intercepted by Kendrick Lewis at the raiders 30. Ultimately, it didn’t matter, as the Chiefs would reach the raiders 30 ...

* Through more rock solid offensive play calling. Knowing we had two timeouts, which meant we could throw it anywhere, Muir took advantage of that, hitting Bowe over the middle for 25, then hitting Terence Copper for 11 to move it into makeable field goal range.

A 49 yard attempt.

* The raiders didn’t ice the kicker. That surprised me. They had one timeout left, and I thought for sure they’d try to ice Succup. Maybe that’s why the blocking scheme seemed so wrong, maybe they expected a timeout. Whatever happened, Seymour again blocked a 49 yard field goal attempt. We’re headed to overtime.

* And for the first time since “The Voice of Reason” and ... hang on, he needs a nickname ... ooh got it! ... for the first time since “The Voice of Reason” and (old school college naming voice) “bts” were flipping a coin to determine how to bet a football game three years ago, I texted the following:

“lets go coin!”

Just like the short-lived life of “The Coin” ... it didn’t end well. raiders win the toss, choose to receive.

* And open with the bomb to heyward-bey. My God, what a pass! And I say that as someone ready to vomit in the stands watching it unfold – what a pass! Any Chiefs fan who still doubts that we MUST mortgage EVERY GODD*MNED THING IT TAKES to get a franchise quarterback under center come next September 10th or 11th, didn’t watch that play in overtime yesterday. THAT is why you trade first round picks, second round picks, Christ, that’s why you circumvent the salary cap like those hated f*ckers in denver did for YEARS in the late 1990s – THAT is why you do WHATEVER it takes to get a franchise quarterback under center.

Because you WILL NOT REGRET IT.

And if you doubt me? These are the teams already into the playoff field. New England (Brady), Baltimore (Flacco), Pittsburgh (Roethlisberger), Houston (Schaub, albeit he’s out with injury); Green Bay (Rodgers), 49ers (Smith), Saints (Brees), Lions (Stafford). Other than the 49ers, who play in the worst division in NFL history three years running, would you take ANY of those seven quarterbacks over what we have, on a neutral field, in the middle of March? Absolutely. Scott Pioli, you MUST address the quarterback situation, and you MUST do it this offseason, by the last Thursday in April, come about 8:30, 8:35 CT the way the draft currently stands.

* Of course, the raiders did what any reasonable, rational team would do after that bomb of a completion – two meaningless handoffs to set the hashmark, send in a kicker who should be a first ballot Hall of Famer, and ballgame. oakland still alive for the division and the wildcard. The Chiefs season over, save for spoiling those f*ckers in denver’s season. (And in case you can’t tell, it’s donkeys week baybee! The f bombs are FLYING as this post goes along!!!)

* Postgame, a very sad walk out. I’d had to pee since about the 8 minute mark, so I sprinted to the men’s room. You could have dropped a pin in there and heard it fall, the fans remaining were so apoplectic. The walk out was beyond depressing. Most depressing? Larry and Carl weren’t there yesterday! How does that happen? How the hell do two die-hard Chiefs fans who’ve been sneaking through the gates since I was in high school miss the biggest regular season home game in twelve years? I can guess – dumb yet well intentioned wives scheduling holiday get-togethers with no regard for the Chiefs schedule.

* The only moment of note on the walk out – I got stuck behind a drunk as sh*t raiders fan (cue the “wait, there’s any other kind?!?!” moment of acknowledgement ... aah, denver and Chiefs fans. I hate you, you hate me, but at least we aren’t oakland fans!!!), anyways, this guy is nine sheets to the wind. He’s making the late Senator Kennedy on Chappaquiddick night proud. And as a Chiefs fan walking out with his six, seven year old son asks the guy to “tone down on the profanity”, this poster child for the positives of abortion drops multiple expletives, grabs a can of beer (he’s holding three), and begins spraying the dude’s kid with it. I was irate. Normally, I tolerate just about anything ... because let’s face it, “Stevo spraying a can of beer in a six year old denver’s fan’s face” is absolutely something that wouldn’t shock anyone reading this. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t served a jello shot to a 13 year old before. (Although I still contend she was 15, and that was NOT her first rodeo with a jello shot, so to speak. And yes, to this day, I thank GOD she didn’t ask for one of the cookies we had that day ...)

Anyways, this asshat is spraying beer on a six, seven year old kid. I’m furious. Nobody is stopping this, and the kid and his dad walk away before it gets worse. So I walk up behind this waste of life, put my arm on his back shoulder, and go “you know, you are all class pal, all class.” raiders fan responds with a “whatever”, and I go “all class”, as I walk past him.

(cue gregg knowing exactly where I’m going next moment of clarity)

“All class ... except without the c, and without the l”.

Phil and his crew heard it and started laughing out loud hysterically. raiders fan was stuck – he was too drunk to comprehend what I said, but he could reasonably figure out I’d made fun of him. I happily accepted a Coors Light from “Texas”, and began to drink the sorrow of the day away.

* No postgame music. Couldn’t justify it. After adding a couple more cans to our “Christmas Tree”, it was off for the Bus Barn, for some postgame drinking, some sobering up (yeah, right), and a sprint to make my second family holiday party of the day.

* Not much of a postgame. I had a couple glasses of wine, then headed home to shower and clean up for the in-laws party last night that went really well. After that, it was off for home, and a somewhat good night’s sleep.

* Which of course, means the season is effectively over. The Chiefs are playing for nothing other than pride ... and to RUIN those f*ckers season on Sunday, something I pray to everything that anyone considers to be holy will occur. The denver broncos have missed the playoffs the last five years and counting. Three of those years, they have entered week 17 simply needing to win and get in. All three times, they have failed ... and all three times, you can point to a loss to the Chiefs as the reason why they failed to get in (Thanksgiving Night 2006 gave us tiebreaker; the Week 4 Upset in 2008 to end 346 days of defeat gave San Diego the tiebreaker, and our win at denver in 2009 in the season finale sent the Jets to the playoffs.

If we can deal them a 4th crushing choke job in six years? Then 2011 will go down as a memorable, albeit unfulfilling, season. A season that began with so much hope and potential (at least in my eyes), came crashing down in the end ... but damn if it didn’t give us some remarkable highs (and despondent lows).

Because no matter what I think of these guys, of this season ... if I'm wrong? Then every damned word I've ever written about these guys ain't a love song. And I know I ain't wrong ...

stevo's 2011 2012 nba predictions

2011-12-23T12:06:00.001-06:00

Finally, after the most ridiculous lockout this side of the NFL, the NBA returns on Sunday!!! It truly is a Chrismukkah miracle!!!

I might not be the smartest dude walking the planet ... but one guy called the Mavericks winning the O'Brien Trophy before the playoffs started last year, and that would be this guy. So when I say my predictions sometimes are on the mark? They're sometimes on the mark.

Here are my picks for the (shortened) 2011-2012 NBA season, which promises to be wacky, wild, and (hopefully) insanely entertaining. And here's to hoping that this is the last NBA-less season here in Kansas City. Hornets / Kings / Bobcats / Insert Your Team Here? We have a lovely downtown arena, anchored by a lovely entertainment and shopping district, desperately in need of an anchor tenant. I know I'm ready to fork over a couple thousand dollars to become a fan of your team ...

Eastern Conference

Atlantic Division:

1. New York Knicks.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 35-31.
Stevo Projected Record: 40-26.
Biggest Addition(s): signed C Tyson Chandler, signed PG Baron Davis, full season of SG Carmelo Anthony.
Biggest Subtraction(s): poop canned GM Donnie Walsh for some insane reason.
Reason for Projection: this is the best Knicks team since at least 2000, when the Knicks lost in the Eastern Finals to Indiana. I pick them to win the Atlantic (instead of more talented Boston) simply because playing 66 games in 115 days is going to be extremely tough on the veteran teams (like Boston), and easier to handle for young, up-and-coming squads (like the Knicks).

Plus, as someone who grew up a Knicks fan, the idea of meaningful hoops being played at the Gahden in May again? Has me drooling with anticipation and excitement. I can't wait to hear the organ two-beating as the best fans in the League scream "DE FENSE!" in game six against Miami, with the Knicks up 3-2 and clinging to a 90-89 lead with two to play. (Uuh, ignore that last statement, I didn't mean to inadvertently give away a playoff projection this early ...)

2. Philadelphia 76ers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 37-29.
Stevo Projected Record: 37-29.
Biggest Addition(s): none.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none, unless you count Jason Kapono, and not even Jason Kapono counts himself.
Reason for Projection: age. Specifically, the 76ers are a young team built around a core of 20-somethings; the Celtics are built around the Big Three and Rondo. The C's will be a tougher out come May, but the 76ers will be a tougher beat up until then.

3. Boston Celtics.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 43-23.
Stevo Projected Record: 35-31.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Brandon Bass, G Keyon Dooling.
Biggest Subtraction(s): F/C Jeff Green (for now), Glen Davis, Delonte West.
Reason for Projection: If you think Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen can play 66 games in 115 days, raise your hand. Danny Ainge, buddy, please, put your hand down, it ain't happening. This team reminds me a lot of the 2009-2010 team that treaded water in the regular season, then turned it on to reach the Finals. Would not shock me at all if Boston and their similar counterpart out west (the Spurs) employ a similar strategory for this season.

4. New Jersey Nets.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 28-38.
Stevo Projected Record: 25-41.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Deshawn Stevenson, resigned F/C Kris Humphries, full season of PG Deron Williams.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none, unless you count Sasha Vujacic's girlfriend. And I do -- she's smoking hot.
Reason for Projection: this is a really crappy team outside of Deron Williams. They're betting everything on Dwight Howard coming when they move from the swamps of North Jersey to the ... uuh ... railyards of Brooklyn next year. If I were a gambling man, I would not bet on that outcome occurring. This poor franchise has really never recovered from The Merger, when they had to sell off Dr. J to pay the territorial bribe to the Knicks, and that was 35 years ago. They deserve better.

5. Toronto Raptors.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 19-47.
Stevo Projected Record: 10-56.
Biggest Addition(s): C Jonas Valanciunas (draft pick).
Biggest Subtraction(s): none.
Reason for Projection: Christ, this might be the worst team in the League. It's them or Nathan Scott's Charlotte Bobcats. What's that? Nathan Scott retired? Sweet Jesus, it's gonna be a race to the top of the ping-pong ball pile!!!

Southeast Division:

1. Miami Heat.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 52-14.
Stevo Projected Record: 50-16.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Shane Battier, resigned PG Mario Chalmers, F Eddy Curry (hey, it is "biggest" additions).
Biggest Subtraction(s): PG Mike Bibby.
Reason for Projection: Love, love, love! the Battier signing. He's exactly what this team needed. This Heat team might not be as dominant in the regular season as last year's was, but it's built better for success in May and June than last year's was. And last year's Heat team was five quarters away from the O'Brien Trophy.

2. Atlanta Hawks.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 33-33.
Stevo Projected Record: 35-31.
Biggest Addition(s): SF Tracy McGrady.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Jamal Crawford.
Reason for Projection: two fold. (1) The Magic have to trade Dwight Howard, they have to, at some point this season, which vaults Atlanta a little ahead of them because of that. And (2) no team in the League needs to blow its foundation up and start over more than the Hawks ... and no team in the League is more piss poorly run than the Hawks (save for maybe the Raptors or Bobcats). Which means Atlanta will double down on its flawed foundation, probably trade for a veteran at the deadline, and get rolled in round one yet again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

3. Orlando Magic.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 40-26.
Stevo Projected Record: 32-34.
Biggest Addition(s): C Glen Davis, resigned SG Jason Richardson.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PF Brandon Bass, SG Gilbert Arenas.
Reason for Projection: Dwight Howard will be gone by the deadline. If he's not, GM Otis Smith is even more retarded than I already assume him to be, and I think Smith needs to wear a padded helmet in public at all times for his own safety.

4. Washington Bullets. (No "Wizards" crap on this site!)
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 22-44.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): G Jan Vesely (draft).
Biggest Subtraction(s): G Josh Howard.
Reason for Projection: give this team two years, and they'll be appointment television on the League Pass. They need one more rock solid draft pick to pair with Vesely (who I love) and PG John Wall. You add a Jared Sullinger to this team next June? Look out.

5. Charlotte Bobcats.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 13-53.
Stevo Projected Record: 8-58.
Biggest Addition(s): SF Corey Maggette, PG Kemba Walker (draft) PF Bismack Biyombo (draft)
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Stephen Jackson, PG Nathan Scott (retired).
Reason for Projection: come on, you can't lose a talented white guy like Nathan Scott and recover from that. In all seriousness, this is an awful, awful basketball team. I'm not a Walker fan, don't get the love for Biyombo, and as much as I love Corey Maggette (in the interest of full disclosure, he's one of, if not my favorite, players in the League) ... if Corey Maggette is the best player on your roster, you're not contending for anything other than the most ping-pong balls in the machine on Lottery night.

Central Division:

1. Chicago Bulls.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 48-18.
Stevo Projected Record: 52-14.
Biggest Addition(s): SF Richard Hamilton.
Biggest Subtraction(s): F/C Kurt Thomas.
Reason for Projection: did you know the Bulls had the East's best record last year? I know, I know -- nobody but the Heat matter, right? This is the East's most talented, deepest team. They're better coached than the Heat. And they have more cap room (plus a full MLE) to make an impact trade at the deadline. So why is Miami the overwhelming favorite to reach the Finals? What am I missing here?

2. Indiana Pacers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 36-30.
Stevo Projected Record: 40-26.
Biggest Addition(s): PF David West, SG/SF George Hill.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Mike Dunleavy, F Josh McRoberts, SG Brandon Rush.
Reason for Projection: other than the Clippers, did ANY team have a better offseason than Indiana? They stole West, fleeced the Spurs for Hill, and are still nearly $15 million UNDER the cap for the free agent free-for-all next summer (that should include Dwight Howard, Deron Williams, and could include Chris Paul if he opts out of his deal). Ooh. Look out for this team.

3. Milwaukee BuKCs.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 34-32.
Stevo Projected Record: 37-29.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Stephen Jackson, SG Mike Dunleavy, resigned F Luc Mbah'a'Moute.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Corey Maggette, SF John Salmons, PG Keyon Dooling.
Reason for Projection: another offseason overhaul for my favorite team ... and this time, I like the results. If Andrew Bogut and Brandon Jennings can each play 50 games and avoid the ridiculous injuries they had last year, coupled with Jackson's immediate upgrade on offense, this is a serious darkhorse in the East, just like they were two years ago.

(As of now, I'm looking at two dates for the annual trip up to watch the BuKCs: January 27-29 (host the Lakers), or February 10-12 (host the Magic). If anyone wants in, let me know. The thought of booing Kobe in person for two straight hours is almost as enticing to me as downing an authentic Milwaukeean bloody mary at Cafe Centraal again ...)

4. Detroit Pistons.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 22-44.
Stevo Projected Record: 30-46.
Biggest Addition(s): resigned G Rodney Stuckey, resigned F Tayshawn Prince, drafted G Brandon Knight, hired Lawrence Frank as head coach.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SF Richard Hamilton, SG Tracy McGrady.
Reason for Projection: I love Lawrence Frank. Tremendous hire. Not one other move this franchise made this offseason made much sense, but Frank alone is worth 5 wins on the bench, especially in a shortened season.

5. Cleveland Cavaliers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 18-48.
Stevo Projected Record: 17-49.
Biggest Addition(s): PG Kyrie Irving (draft), SF Tristan Thompson (draft).
Biggest Subtraction(s): PG Baron Davis (emphasis on "biggest"), SG JJ Hickson.
Reason for Projection: I honestly hope Cleveland goes 0-66. I hate their owner with a passion. Dan Gilbert can rot in hell for all I care, and I'd love to toss him in there and throw away the key. Sadly, there's a decent emerging nucleus here, and the Cavs figure to be competitive far more often than not this season. Let's hope for some injuries and bad luck, to put 0-66 into play. Or at least 3-63.

Eastern Playoff Seeds:
1. Chicago Bulls (52-14, Central Division Champion)
2. Miami Heat (50-16, Southeast Division Champion)
3. New York Knicks (40-26, Atlantic Division Champion)
4. Indiana Pacers (40-26, best remaining record)
5. Milwaukee Bucks (37-29, best remaining record)
6. Philadelphia 76ers (37-29, best remaining record)
7. Boston Celtics (35-31, best remaining record)
8. Atlanta Hawks (35-31, best remaining record)
-------------------------------------------------------------
9. Orlando Magic (32-34, no postseason options)
10. Detroit Pistons (30-36, no postseason options)
11. Washington Bullets (28-38, no postseason options)
12. New Jersey Nets (25-41, no postseason options)
13. Cleveland Cavaliers (17-49, no postseason options)
14. Toronto Raptors (10-56, no postseason options)
15. Charlotte Bobcats (8-58, no postseason options)

Western Conference:

Northwest Division:

1. "Kevin Durant's Team".
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 45-21.
Stevo Projected Record: 48-18.
Biggest Addition(s): full season of C Kendrick Perkins.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none.
Reason for Projection: when you reach the conference finals at least a year ahead of schedule, there's no reason to make any panic moves. Good job by the "Durant's" for holding still. I'd expect a veteran pickup at the deadline, and at least a trip to the second round. Anything short of that, and this season is an epic failure.

2. Denver Nuggets.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 43-23.
Stevo Projected Record: 45-21.
Biggest Addition(s): resigned F Nene, PG Andre Miller, SG Rudy Fernandez, full season of PF Danilo Gallinari.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PF Kenyon Martin, SG Wilson Chandler, SF JR Smith.
Reason for Projection: no team is better built for 66 games in 115 days than the Nuggets. They easily go ten deep. This team reminds me a ton of the 1999 Knicks, whose strategory after the lockout was build the deepest team possible and see what happens. All that team did was reach the Finals. Would not shock me at all to see the Nuggets playing in the Western Finals for the second time in three years.

3. Portland Trail Blazers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 38-28.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Jamal Crawford, SG Nolan Smith (draft), full season of C Marcus Camby.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Brandon Roy.
Reason for Projection: on paper, this team has potential. And they're certainly well coached -- Nate McMillan should be on any owner's short list of the best coaches he or she could hire. But I'm not feeling it. Someone in the West is going to underachieve. I think this is one of two teams that shockingly misses the playoffs.

4. Utah (mr. william grigsby voice) Jazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 28-38.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): C Enes Kantor (draft), G Josh Howard, SG Alec Burks (draft).
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Andrei Kirilenko.
Reason for Projection: the Jazz are two years away from returning to the upper echelon of the West. Derrick Favors is going to be a beast. I loved the pick of Burks, the local kid from Raytown. If you're looking for a long-shot bet to steal a playoff berth, I'd be looking squarely at this squad.

5. Minnesota Timberwolves.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 29-37.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): hired Rick Adelman as head coach, PF Derrick Williams (draft), PG Ricky Rubio, PG JJ Barea, C Brad Miller.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none.
Reason for Projection: I expect the Wolves to be competitive and in the mix for the eight seed into early April. Considering this team hasn't reached the playoffs since 2006, that's a solid step in the right direction.

Southwest Division:

1. Dallas Mavericks.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 39-27.
Stevo Projected Record: 41-25.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Lamar Odom, SF Vince Carter, SG Delonte West.
Biggest Subtraction(s): C Tyson Chandler, PG JJ Barea, SF Caron Butler.
Reason for Projection: this pick is based solely and completely on the belief that the Mavs will make a move at the deadline, and edge out Memphis and San Antonio. Every team in the Southwest Division has realistic playoff hopes. Should be fun to see play out.

2. Memphis Grizzlies.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 37-29.
Stevo Projected Record: 40-26.
Biggest Addition(s): resigned PF Marc Gasol, SG Josh Selby (draft), full season of SF Rudy Gay.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PF Shane Battier.
Reason for Projection: a rock solid young team, a rising power, fun to watch ... God bless it, why didn't the KC Sports Commission try to steal these guys three years ago?

3. San Antonio Spurs.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 42-24.
Stevo Projected Record: 38-28.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Kawhi Leonard (draft).
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG George Hill.
Reason for Projection: they aren't the Spurs of five years ago, but they're still more than capable of being the last team standing come late June. Age and the compressed schedule will hurt this team, just like Boston.

4. New Orleans Hornets.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 22-44.
Stevo Projected Record: 30-36.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Eric Gordon, C Chris Kaman, resigned PG Carl Landry.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PG Chris Paul, PF David West.
Reason for Projection: this is still a really talented team, despite losing its two best players in Paul and West. Toss in the fact that they employ one of the 4 or 5 best coaches in the League in Monty Williams, and this is a fringe playoff contender.

5. Houston Rockets.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 32-34.
Stevo Projected Record: 28-38.
Biggest Addition(s): none. No, adding one of the "Dumb F*ck Duo" Morris twins does not count as an "addition".
Biggest Subtraction(s): C Yao Ming, head coach Rick Adelman.
Reason for Projection: no team got screwed more this offseason than Houston. I expect that to show up in on-court play this winter.

Pacific Division:

1. Los Angeles Clippers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 41-25.
Stevo Projected Record: 44-22.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Caron Butler, PG Chris Paul, PG Chauncey Billups, resigned SF DeAndre Jordan.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SG Eric Gordon, C Chris Kaman.
Reason for Prediction: this is based solely, completely, and entirely on the Clippers organization realizing they employ the worst head coach in professional hoops, and firing Vinny Del Negro by early February. If Del Negro coaches all 66 games, the Clippers will be lucky to break even. There's enough talent here for a conference finals run, but only if the moron coaching it is shown the curb, and the sooner the better.

2. Los Angeles Lakers.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 40-26.
Stevo Projected Record: 36-30.
Biggest Addition(s): PF Josh McRoberts, hired Mike Brown as head coach.
Biggest Subtraction(s): head coach Phil Jackson (retired), PF Lamar Odom, SG Shannon Brown.
Reason for Prediction: I believe Dwight Howard will be a Laker by the deadline. Even if he's not, there's enough talent here to at least secure a playoff berth.

3. Sacramento Kings.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 25-41.
Stevo Projected Record: 34-32.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Jimmer Fredette (draft), SF JJ Hickson, PG Isaiah Thomas (draft), SF John Salmons.
Biggest Subtraction(s): PG Beno Udrih, SF Marquis Daniels.
Reason for Prediction: THIS is my shock playoff team in the West. I LOVE the makeup of this team. I especially loved the draft pick of Thomas, who I could not take my eyes off of the last couple years, as he led Washington to two over-achieving tournament runs. (The best game of last year's tourney, by far, was UNC / Washington, which UNC won at the buzzer). Thomas, Fredette, Salmons, Tyreke Evans, Demarcus Cousins, there's a solid nucleus here. Hey Maloof Brothers? If you want to move your franchise back to the city you abandoned 27 years ago, I am perfectly cool with that.

4. Golden State Warriors.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 26-40.
Stevo Projected Record: 25-41.
Biggest Addition(s): SG Klay Thompson (draft), SG Brandon Rush, hired Jerry West as executive.
Biggest Subtraction(s): none that matter.
Reason for Prediction: give Jerry West three years, and he'll clean up the crap this franchise has become. One playoff berth in 18 years. That's atrocious.

5. Phoenix Suns.
Hollinger ESPN Insider Projected Record: 24-42.
Stevo Projected Record: 21-45.
Biggest Addition(s): resigned SG Grant Hill, SG Shannon Brown. No, the other half of the "Dumb F*ck Duo" does not count as an addition either.
Biggest Subtraction(s): SF Vince Carter, PG Aaron Brooks.
Reason for Prediction: this team was really in the Western Finals three years ago? Really? Steve Nash deserves better than this as his career winds down.

Western Playoff Seeds:
1. "Kevin Durant's Team" (48-18, Northwest Division Champion)
2. Los Angeles Clippers (44-22, Pacific Division Champion)
3. Dallas Mavericks (41-25, Southwest Division Champion)
4. Denver Nuggets (45-21, best remaining record)
5. Memphis Grizzlies (40-26, best remaining record)
6. San Antonio Spurs (38-28, best remaining record)
7. Los Angeles Lakers (36-30, best remaining record)
8. Sacramento Kings (34-32, best remaining record)
-------------------------------------------------------------
9. New Orleans Hornets (30-36, no postseason options)
10. Portland Trail Blazers (28-38, no postseason options)
11. Houston Rockets (28-38, no postseason options)
12. Utah Jazz (28-38, no postseason options)
13. Minnesota Timberwolves (28-38, no postseason options)
14. Golden State Warriors (25-41, no postseason options)
15. Phoenix Suns (21-45, no postseason options)

The Playoff Bracket

First Round:

1 Bulls over 8 Hawks in 4.
2 Heat over 7 Celtics in 7.
3 Knicks over 6 76ers in 5.
5 Bucks over 4 Pacers in 6.

1 "Durant's" over 8 Kings in 4.
7 Lakers over 2 Clippers in 6.
3 Mavericks over 6 Spurs in 7.
5 Grizzlies over 4 Nuggets in 6.

Second Round:

1 Bulls over 5 BuKCs in 5.
3 Knicks over 2 Heat in 6.

1 "Durant's" over 7 Lakers in 5.
5 Grizzlies over 3 Mavericks in 6.

Conference Finals:

1 Bulls over 3 Knicks in 7.
1 "Durant's" over 5 Grizzlies in 7.

NBA Finals:

1 Bulls over 1 "Durant's" in 6.

NBA Champion:

Chicago Bulls. Now excuse me while I light myself on fire over that vomit-inducing prospect ...

week sixteen: hell on the heart

2011-12-22T19:33:00.002-06:00

"No ifs, ands, buts or maybes,
So you wanna be her baby,
I can read your face like a book.

Yeah it looks easy to love her,
But believe me brother --
It's harder than it looks.

She's as pretty as a picture.
Every bit funny as she is smart.
Got a smile that'll hold you together,
And a touch that'll tear you apart.

When she's yours? She brings you sunshine.
When she's gone? The world goes dark.
Yeah, she's heaven on the eyes,
But boy she's hell on the heart ..."

-- "Hell on the Heart" by Eric Church ...

--------------------------

(‘the congregation”) (restless with anticipation)
(“father stevo”) (straightening his “sermon notes”)

Of course it comes down to this.

Four months ago, the Chiefs had lost eight straight, counting pre and post season. The last two of those defeats were the worst – a 41-3 defeat to the doormat Bills, and a 48-3 woodshed-beating by the worse-than-a-doormat Lions.

So of course, it comes down to this.

After surviving a winless September, a winless November, five defeats of 27 points or more, losing our Pro Bowl running back in week two, our Pro Bowl safety in week one, our emerging tight end in preseason, our Pro Bowl quarterback at midseason. After winning one game on a Hail Mary, another on a fumbled center exchange, yet another on two fifty five yard field goals, a fourth by rallying from down 17 to a team that would lose 13 straight. After being reduced to starting Tyler Palko at quarterback, Jackie Battle at tight end, Jake O’Connell at tight end, Sabby Piscatelli and Jon McGraw at safety, and of course, reading every damned disaster just listed and coming to the (sarcasm voice) completely logical conclusion that the only person responsible for this season was the head coach, so let’s fire him – after all of THAT, coupled with me missing my first (non-preseason) home game in a decade because apparently in South Florida, if a f*cking drop of rain happens, that means an instantaneous two hour delay for any and all flights headed west ... of COURSE it comes down to this.

That the two teams who tuned us 89-10 to open the season, control 2/3rds of the fate of the season in their hands on Saturday.

Of course it comes to this. Of course we need the Lions, who beat us like a government mule, to defeat the Chargers. Of course we need the Bills, who treated us like a port-a-potty, to defeat a team that reminds me of a stank urinal, the denver broncos.

And of course the Chiefs, who somehow hold every tie-breaker within the division at 6 and 8, would have to face the team that started the 250 some odd days of defeat and disaster, with both of our seasons on the line. (The loser of Sunday’s Chiefs / raiders contest is eliminated from postseason consideration, regardless of what happens elsewhere.)

I think it’s great. I love symmetry, I love bringing things full circle, and for Chiefs fans, it doesn’t get much better than this, a chance to exercise the demon that began this dark season ... and to exercise the demon that ended the run of greatness twelve years ago.

Of course it comes to this.

Because with a win on Saturday, coupled with Bills and Lions’ victories? Oh boy. You talk about bringing things full circle? You talk about, in the words of the late, great Herb Brooks, “great moments arising from great opportunity”? With those three positive outcomes, it’s going to be the greatest eight day hype for a Chiefs game since 1993. (OK, fine, “technically” 1994, the eight days between beating the Steelers in overtime in the wildcard round, and pounding Buddy Ryan’s ass in Houston eight days later in the divisional round.)

As Kyle Orton would lead these fatally flawed heroes in the Red and Gold into the gates of hell itself, to face his former employer, with a home playoff game and a potential AFC Championship berth on the line.

(You think I’m nuts ... but tell me the Chiefs you saw on Sunday, the broncos you’ve seen the last two months, or the Chargers of the last month couldn’t beat the Steelers at home. Then tell me the Jets can’t beat Baltimore on the road, meaning the winner of AFC West / Pittsburgh goes to Houston to face a quarterback, and a franchise, playing its first ever postseason game, while the Jets get one last crack at their arch-rivals who, in case you’ve forgotten, they thoroughly ass-whipped last January in this same exact spot. And before you call Charter or Two Rivers to commit me, two words ... ok, three. Ready? Arizona. “Super”. Cardinals. The EXACT path they took to the Super Bowl as a 9-7 team a mere three years ago.)

I have no intention (yet) of looking ahead to a potential prime-time battle to decide which mediocre quarterback the broncos took to training camp takes playoff snaps this year. Because there’s still work to do to get there, and quite honestly, I’d put the odds of denver losing on Saturday at a coin flip at best. (I expect Detroit to obliterate the Chargers, for one obvious reason – its “win and you’re in”, and the Lions have tiebreaker over nobody, are staring a 19th straight loss at Lambeau in the face next week, so they have to get to 10 wins to avoid the charging Seahawks or Cardinals, or fading Giants.)

Instead, I want to focus on the task at hand. Defeating the hated oakland raiders.

Do you realize the only game the Chiefs have won by more than 7 points ALL SEASON was the raiders game? It’s insane, but it’s true. We beat the Vikings by 5 because of two 55 yard field goals. We beat the Colts by four thanks to 21 unanswered points, the last seven via one of the most amazing catches you’ll ever see. We beat the Chargers by three in overtime thanks to “The Phumble”, and beat the Bears by 7 because of the Hail Mary. (Plus the Packers by 5 in a game that was really never in doubt, as strange as a five point finale that was never in doubt sounds.)

We know the blueprint of how to do this – we were in this EXACT same spot five years ago, although at oakland on a Saturday instead of hosting them. (That, and we needed eight other outcomes to go our way the last two weeks. This year? Only two. Progress!)

Even more spectacular than any stat I’ve stated so far? Is that 9 of the last 12 between the Chiefs and raiders at Arrowhead have literally been decided on the final snap from scrimmage! 9 of 12! If that doesn’t make you pause and think “wait, are those $5 tickets still available, I need to get my ass in a seat and root like holy hell for my team to beat these f*ckers!”, then check your pulse, or at least question your fandom status. (I know, I know, its Christmas Eve, but for f*ck’s sake, I’m blowing off a family function for this, and I’m pretty sure I’m about one more screwup away from getting written out of the will. Assuming I haven’t already reached that status. I might need to check the safe when I’m at the ‘rents next time ...)

The raiders have won two comfortable games, last year (31-10) and 2008 (23-8 in a game that was 16-8 with six minutes to play.) The Chiefs have one comfortable win in this stretch, in 2002 (20-10 in a game played in a monsoon. Actually, both Chiefs / raiders games in 2002 were played in monsoon-like conditions, now that I think about it).

The other nine? The Chiefs have won four, the raiders have won five, literally on the last snap of the game:

2009: raiders 13, Chiefs 10. janikowski chip shot as time expired.
2007: raiders 20, Chiefs 17. janikowski field goal as time expired.
2006: Chiefs 17, raiders 13. aaron brooks intercepted by jarrad page* on 3rd and goal.
2005: Chiefs 27, raiders 23. LJ accounts for 38 yards and a TD in final ten seconds.
2004: Chiefs 31, raiders 30. Lawrence Tynes field goal as time expired.
2003: Chiefs 27, raiders 24. Morten Anderson field goal as time expired.
2001: raiders 27, Chiefs 24. janikowski chip shot as time expired.
2000: raiders 20, Chiefs 17. janikowski’s first ever game winning field goal, from 52 as time expired.

And the most painful of them all:

1999: raiders 41, Chiefs 38. joe nedney field goal in overtime.

(*: why is jarrad page, a damned fine Chief, in lower case? Simple. If he doesn't blow out Tom Brady's knee to open the 2008 season, Matt Cassel never happens. My hatred of our incumbent starting quarterback is damned near "lower case" status, just like the man who gave him the audition that got him the job has now earned.)

Anyone who thinks this game is going to be easy, anyone who thinks we don’t need every last available member of “the congregation” in a seat on Saturday come high noon, either (a) has not watched a single game the Chiefs have played this year, or (b) clearly has no clue what the Chiefs / raiders rivalry usually results in. (sarcasm voice) your car getting stolen?

(Note: since it’s Chrismukkah season, allow me to tell my favorite raiders joke of all time. Three guys – one wearing a Seahawks cap, one wearing a 49ers cap, one wearing a raiders cap – leave a bar come closing time. On their walk home, they come across a beautiful, smoking hot female laying on the grass, completely naked. She’s not assaulted, not in trouble, she’s just bombed and passed out and somehow lost all of her clothes. (God, why doesn’t this EVER happen to me?!?!) Anyways, out of respect for the woman, and her safety, the guy with the 49ers cap calls 911 on his phone, and places his hat over her right breast. The Seahawks fan places his cap over her left breast, and the raiders fan, for once showing some class, places his cap over her most private of parts.

So a police officer shows up, assesses the situation, takes the three football fans statements, and begins a preliminary investigation for his report. He raises the 49ers cap off the right breast, and replaces it. He raises the Seahawks cap off the left breast, and replaces it. Finally, he lifts the raiders cap, and replaces it.

Then re-raises the raiders cap, repeatedly, as if he is in a state of shock at what he’s seeing underneath. The raiders fan, alarmed, asks the officer why he keeps raising his cap off the woman. To which the officer replies, “I’ve never seen that before”. The raiders fan responds “what, you’ve never seen a woman naked before?” The officer replies, “no sir. Usually when I see a raiders cap, there’s an asshole underneath”. (“the congregation” groans). Thank you, thank you, I’m here all week.)

Now that I’ve completely killed the direction of this post, let me get to the Week 16 picks, and the Game of Great Importance:

* Texans (-7) 24, at Colts 14. I still think the Colts screw themselves out of Luck at J’Ville next week.
* at Redskins (-6 ½) 31, Vikings 20. One team has quit, the other one hasn’t.
* at Titans 3, Jaguars (+7) 0. I wouldn’t wager $0.01 on this outcome, the Titans are too unpredictable.
* at Panthers (-7 ½) 45, Bucs 20. Talk about a team that’s quit on their coach. Your Bucs everyone!
* Cardinals (+4) 21, at Bengals 20. Could Seattle at Arizona decide the NFC 6th seed?
* at Steelers (NL) 17, Rams 0. I could start for Pittsburgh and win this game 3-0.
* at Lions (-2 ½) 56, Chargers 17. Norv, we’d welcome you as our offensive coordinator next fall!
* at Patriots 24, Dolphins (+9) 21. Weird stuff happens when these two get together.
* at Seahawks (+2) 23, 49ers 17. Again, could Seattle at Arizona decide the NFC 6th seed?
* Eagles (+2 ½) 38, at Cowboys 35. Two 8-8 teams hosting 12 win squads will make Pete King’s head explode. Hence, this is THE “Screw You Pete King” Upset of the Week. Oh God please let it actually explode ...
* at Ravens 30, Browns (+12 ½) 20. Have to keep pace with Houston (who holds tiebreak) for first round bye. To say nothing of stay ahead of the Steelers for the division title.
* at Packers (-13) 45, Bears 13. The Bears are literally starting a high school coach at quarterback this week. A freaking HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL COACH! And you know what? I’d still make the Bears a 5 point favorite at Arrowhead against a Tyler Palko led Chiefs squad.
* Falcons (+6 ½) 31, at Saints 28. Total gut check game for both squads. I like the Falcons make-up slightly better than the Saints make-up. Slightly.
* “at” Jets (-3) 24, Giants 17. This coupled with a Bengals loss clinches a playoff berth for the Jets. Thank God. Because that finale at Miami scares me sh*tless if something is on the line.

The Toughest Call of the Week:

My heart says denver wins this. Not just because Jesus hates me and loves him some timmy tebow, but good God, the Bills are in absolute free-fall. A team that’s lost seven in a row couldn’t possibly hand the Chiefs a Chrismukkah miracle, could they?

What’s that? A Bengals team that had lost ELEVEN in a row did that last year by upsetting the Chargers in this spot, with a backup QB starting? Whew. I knew to trust my gut. As badly as NBC wants tebow on its airwaves, what better way to get him than by setting up timmy to deliver the division, at home, against his former “mentor” and competitor? at Bills (+2 ½) 31, broncos 20.

The Chiefs Prognostication:

Both oakland and KC have a lot to play for – if denver and San Diego both lose, then the winner of this game controls its own destiny to win the division (oakland would have tiebreaker over denver via conference record if they win out, no matter what happened between KC and denver).

So please, if you can afford the $5 plus fees to get a ticket online at various reputable resale sites (like ArrowheadPride.com), please – show up Sunday. If you don’t want to pay the $27 for parking, the Bus leaves at 7am, you have a ride there and back for the low, low cost of $0.00. (If you want to use this option, let me know, I’ll send you directions).

We need this one folks. Some dumb f*ck blogger named Stevo went on record four months ago and projected the Chiefs to repeat as AFC West champs (and let’s just ignore the rest of my thoughts about the Chiefs chances this season ... at least for now). My credibility as a mediocre sports gambler is on the line here! (Although if you go back and read the season picks, you’ll notice I’m probably the only person alive who picked the broncos to reach the playoffs. So I guess either way, I’m ok? So long as its not the Chargers or raiders?)

Please, if you can make it, if you can blow off the family, afford the cost, show up. Be loud. Screw that – in the words of Blake Shelton, “(be) Loud! (be) Proud! (and then) Get Worse!!!”

I inadvertently left off one thing from the recap about the Packers game, and how I forgot it, I have no idea, because it was THE moment of tailgating from the year.

The game is over. I finally make it back up to the Bus, and after the celebratory hugs, high-fives, and “holy sh*t, HOW DID WE DO THIS?!?!” expressions of shock, as well as grabbing my bottle of vodka and pouring half of it into a bottle of Glacier Ice Gatorade, I have the following conversation:

(stevo) hey, what’s up with no music?
(everyone) (with a “yeah, what’s up with this?!?!” look)

So I haul out the speakers, and fire up the iPod. Ray and his crew have just arrived. Even more impressively, Castro drove up to join us for the postgame. (Best of all? He’s as f*cking sick of the damned horn his crew uses as we are, hence his decision to join us rather than them. Sweet?)

And after the first song on the random shuffle plays (“Word Up” by Cameo, only Mona’s favorite song of all time, wow I lucked into that one) ... the second song out ... and I wish I’d remembered the camera to record it.

No, it wasn’t “Shout”, of which there are videos of me dancing to. It wasn’t even “Dancin’ on the Ceiling”, again, of which there are videos of me dancing to. It wasn’t “Sweet Caroline”, of which there are way too many videos of me karaoke-ing to.

Nope, what made this moment rule, was not only that every person there, including Ray and his crew, even including Castro for God’s sake, knew every word to the song ... but that as soon as the first few words came out, about 20 different people immediately broke out into singing it for the next five minutes.

“Well it was all ... that I could do ... to keep from crying.”

(Come on, you know you want to join in, if only because the first verse of this song so perfectly describes the Chiefs season to this point ...)

“Sometimes it seemed so useless to remain.
You don’t have to call me darlin’, darlin’.
You never even called me by my name!”

Yes, when twenty plus people are belting out as loud as they can sing “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” by David Allan Coe, only THE greatest country song ever written and recorded ... its a keeper of a tailgate.

And this my friends, my “congregation”? Is going to be a keeper of a game, a keeper of a Saturday, and God willing, a keeper of a season. at Chiefs (-2 ½) 35, raiders 30. Again, I pick the final score for each Chiefs game for a very specific reason. If you get the significance of this predicted score, chosen because of the situation we find ourselves in? Congratulations, you’re a die-hard Chiefs fan.

(Hopefully) See Ya Saturday! I have no idea what the menu is, but we’re hooking up with Ray and his crew again, so it’ll be good. We’ll be in our usual spot, so don’t be a stranger – come out and enjoy the Chrismukkah miracle of a lifetime! Or at least of the last five years.

The weather looks good, the football should be entertaining, and really, what would you rather spend Christmas Eve afternoon doing, attending a family gathering? Last minute shopping? Or watching this flawed bunch of scrappy fighters, the “luckiest dreamers who never quit dreaming”, extend the dream for three more hours? I vote option (c). This game WILL be heaven on the eyes.

And here's to PRAYING the eight days after Saturday are hell on every Chiefs and donkeys fan's heart ...

the eight worst tv seasons of all time (according to stevo)

2011-12-20T22:34:00.000-06:00

In what will come as a shock to noone, I fear … I watch way, way, way too much television for my own good. And like a lot of TV junkies, I have my shows that I love.

But sometimes … those shows deliver a season, or a string of episodes, that literally have you chucking empty beer bottles at the television, and hitting up message boards and blogs with a “who the hell greenlit THAT script?!?!” fits of rage.

So tonight’s post? The eight worst seasons of TV shows I loved ever. (Or the eight seasons I really, really hated). Trust me – there’s some clunkers in here from some epically awesome television shows. (And in two cases, epically crappy shows that I love, so deal with it.)

8. “Lost” season three (2006-2007 season).

Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: good grief, where do I begin? For starters, you had two seasons in one – a mini six-episode fall season, and then 18 in a row starting in January. Which would have been fine … had the initial six episodes (and in the second half, episodes 8 and 9, especially) not been so crappy.

Season’s Worst Episode: episode 9 (“Stranger in a Strange Land”). Yes, this show literally spent a freaking hour focused on where, when, how, and why Jack got his tattoos. I swore when this hour of shit was over, that if episode 10 didn’t deliver a knockout punch, I was through with this show.

Season’s Best Episode: (tie). Episode 10 (“Trisha Tanaka Is Dead”) is one of my favorite episode “Lost” ever did. It’s certainly one of the funnest they ever did. But the closing three episodes (“The Man Behind the Curtain”, “Greatest Hits”, “Through the Looking Glass”) totally redeemed the season, and took the show from good … to epically good.

Season’s Most Underrated Episode: episode 15 (“Expose”). I hated Nikki and Paulo as much as any other “Lost” fan … but this was one really fun episode. Right down to how the two of them “die” in the end. Honorable mention to episode seven (“Not in Portland”), which established my favorite “Lost” character in a very good way (Juliet).

Season’s MVP: gotta go with Ben Linus of all people. Hurley saved the season, so to speak, with his “Shambala” moment in episode 10 … but “The Man Behind the Curtain” is so epically incredible, Linus (Michael Emerson) earned his MVP status with that episode alone. (To say nothing of his job in “Through the Looking Glass” two episodes later, and his rock solid effort in the opening six episodes.)

Season’s LVP: (tie) Jin and Sun. I never understood the love for these two awful characters. Too bad the damned spiders didn’t bite them instead of Nikki and Paulo.

Bottom Line: “Lost”, uuh, lost its way in season three for pretty much the first half of the season. It was so bad that the writers (to their credit) went to ABC and negotiated an end date for the series, to prevent another “Stranger in a Strange Land” drag-out / stalling for time episode. Given how good season four was, how incredible season five was, and satisfying season six was, I’d say season three is a fitting sacrifice for what was to come.

7. “NYPD Blue” season eight (2001 season – “Blue” ran non-stop January through May the last six years it was on the air).

Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: again, where do I begin? Danny Sorenson’s character was a disaster. David Milch left after season seven to write “Deadwood”, and the shitty scripts shone through without him. Every cliché known to writers without a clue? Got hauled out in season eight. Kid with cancer? Check. Partners with no chemistry forced into a sexual relationship just because? Check. New cast addition that can’t act but looks good? Check. This season tried the patience of even the biggest “Blue” fan imaginable. (Hey, that’s me!)

Season’s Worst Episode: episode 10 (“In the Still of the Night”). The last five minutes of this episode will have you hurling whiskey bottles at your television, its that awful. Although to be fair, the entire episode deserves its own reserved spot in at least the second layer of hell.

Season’s Best Episode: none. I suppose “In the Wind” (season finale) deserves consideration, if only because it gave you a glimmer of hope that Danny Sorenson was dead. But nothing from this season deserves to be remembered in a positive manner, for the most part.

Most Underrated Episode: episode 13 (“Flight of Fancy”). I always liked James McDaniel’s Lt. Fancy. Give him credit for bailing when he saw the ship sinking. What he couldn’t have foreseen … is that this season was so awful, Steven Bochco had no choice but to clean house … which he did spectacularly well.

Season’s MVP: the addition of Connie McDowell (Charlotte Ross). She gave viewers a reason to tune in once she came on board at mid-season. Honorable mention to Esai Morales’ Lt. Tony Rodriguez, who replaced Lt. Fancy at about the same time. Give Bochco credit – he knew his franchise was going down, and he pulled out all the stops to plug the hole.

Season’s LVP: the addition of Garcelle Bouvois-Nivon as ADA Valerie Haywood. I may have never hated a TV character more than I hated ADA Haywood. And I never hated ADA Haywood more than the closing scenes of “In the Still Of the Night”.

Bottom Line: again, to Bochco’s credit, he recognized the train wreck when he saw it. He brought in Ross and Morales to revamp the cast, let Schroder go in favor of Mark Paul Gosselaar’s John Clark, who completely revitalized the show, and bought four more years of viewing pleasure out of the changes made as a result of this season. Unfortunately, the season was so awful, it bled nearly a quarter of its audience, and “Blue” was never the landmark show it had been ever again.

(Also hurting “Blue”? Kim Delaney (played Diane Russell) left for a new show, “Philly”, a criminitely underrated drama that lasted one season before ABC cancelled it. By that point, there was nowhere for Delaney to come back to on “Blue”, save for the guest arc in the final season. You bleed off not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, but SEVEN major characters in two years (Delaney’s Russell, McDaniel’s Fancy, Schroder’s Sorenson, plus Sharon Lawrence’s Sylvia, Jimmy Smits’ Simone, Nicholas Turtorro’s Martinez, and Andrea Thompson’s Kirkendall), plus lose your lead writer? You’re in trouble. The fact that “Blue” made it four years after this season, is a tribute to how good a writer Bill Clark grew into … that, or how much us die-hard fans loved this show.)

6. “The Practice” season seven (2002-2003).

Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: the entire Lindsay as a convicted murderer / Bobby as an adulterer themes that dominated the season. Neither plot development was even remotely believable, which probably explains why the show fell from top 20 to barely top 75 almost overnight.

Season’s Worst Episode: episode 19 (“Les is More”). By “Les”, yes, it is THE Les Moonves, guest starring as himself, held hostage by a deranged psycho played by Andie MacDowell. Uum, let the hilarity ensue?

Season’s Best Episode: “Goodbye” (season finale). Written as the series finale until the show received an unexpected eighth season pickup, it actually works quite well, both to close the season and close the series as it existed. Still, the main plot line is insane (woman changes her appearance via massive plastic surgery to go on the lam with her husband-killing boyfriend!), and the resolution of Bobby and Lindsay will infuriate anyone who ever invested any time with those two.

Most Underrated Episode: episode 12 (“Final Judgments”). This show was always at its best when railing against our inhumane capital punishment laws, and it rarely did a better job than in this episode.

Season MVP: Jamie Stringer (Jessica Capshaw). The second best addition David E. Kelley ever made to this show. Her romantic involvement with Eugene was tragically chucked under the bus for season eight.

Season LVP: Bobby Donnell (Dylan McDermott). Any scene with him in it, is excruciating to watch. He’s in full on “mail it in” mode from about episode eight on, and it shows through. An awful all-around performance, week in week out, from the alleged star of the show.

Bottom Line: Kelley bought himself an eighth season by pledging to clean house, and boy did he – out the door were Rebecca, Bobby, Lindsay, and Lucy. In came James Spader, as Alan Shore. Between the 22 episodes of season eight, and the five seasons of “Boston Legal” after that, I’d say the changes season seven forced the creative staff to make, were worth it.

5. “Friday Night Lights” season two (2007-2008).

Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: something about Landry, Tyra, and a murder. To call this the worst major plot line of the 2007 fall season, is an understatement. It nearly roo-eened the show, and probably should have caused its cancellation.

Season’s Worst Episode: episode 9 (“The Confession”). At least it ended the murder sub-plot … but did so in the most ridiculous way imaginable. There’s a reason why “Lights” fanatics like myself pretend season two didn’t exist.

Season’s Best Episode: none. If I never see a single episode from season two again, my life will be better because of it.

Most Underrated Episode: episode 8 (“Seeing Other People”). If only because the whole “Lyla as a born again Christian” plot had potential. Even if, like every other damned thing in this season, it was so unbelievable that it simply insulted the audience.

Season’s MVP: Buddy Garrity (Brad Leland), by default. His was the only believable plot line out of the entire season.

Season’s LVP: the creative staff who “came up with” the Landry / Tyra / rapist murder plot. It single-handedly destroyed the show.

Bottom line: the show never recovered from the murder plot. It bled its audience weekly. NBC committed to a shortened season three, but the damage was done. Seasons four and five aired on DirecTV first, and NBC bumped their contractual obligation to air the episodes to Friday nights in the summer, when nobody watches TV. In fairness? The murder subplot was so awful, “Lights” probably deserved that fate. But the other four seasons are amongst the best in television history.

4. “American Idol” season five (2006).

Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: what, aside from the fact that the three best contestants finished 3rd, 4th, and didn’t reach the top 12 (due to his own choosing)? I know – the fact that Katherine McPhee finished 2nd! Or that Taylor Hicks won this thing because … well, I’m still not sure how the hell that happened. But when your options are Katherine McPhee or Taylor Hicks, uum yes, I voted for Taylor. Repeatedly.

Season’s Worst Episode: Elvis Presley Night (top four). Hicks, McPhee, Elliott Yamin, and Chris Daughtry. Who would you boot? Amazingly enough, the American public booted … Daughtry. Insane.

Season’s Best Episode: 2000s Night (top ten). Kellie Pickler nailed Sara Evans. Ace Young nailed Train. And oh yeah, Elliott Yamin established himself as my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken in this competition with an incredible performance of Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be”.

Most Underrated Episode: Country Night (top nine). Taylor covered John Denver, Elliott covered Garth, and Kellie Pickler’s “Fancy” was epically good. To say nothing of Daughtry covering Johnny Cash.

Season’s MVP: Chris Daughtry. At worst, he’s the third most successful star this show has ever launched, behind Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. Unlike Kelly and Carrie … Daughtry didn’t even get a homecoming episode, let alone win this season.

Season’s LVP: Katherine McPhee. Words cannot express how much I despise this chick.

Bottom line: “Idol”’s worst season (in my opinion) … was followed up by “Idol”’s best season (in my opinion). The reason? Beats the hell out of me. Season five had every bit as much talent and depth as season six did. But unlike season six, the two least qualified of the talent pool somehow made it to the final.

3. “Hunter” season seven (1990-1991).

Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: uuh, no Dee Dee McCall? Stepfanie Kramer left “Hunter” after season six to pursue other interests. And to “Hunter”’s credit, they replaced her with a rock solid partner in Chris Novak (Lauren Lane). Unfortunately … there were thirteen non-Novak episodes to open the season, with Darlanne Fluegel as Sgt. Molenski. To call her episodes unwatchable, is an insult to the word “unwatchable”.

Season’s Worst Episode: episode seven (“Oh The Shark Bites”). “Hunter” was always at its worst when it had a Captain Devane centric episode. (Like “Lost” with a Kate-centric episode, you just kept grabbing cold ones out of the fridge to get through it.) This one takes the cake – Devane with mob ties! Please, do yourself a favor and NEVER pull this episode up on Hulu.

Season’s Best Episode: episode twenty (“Cries of Silence”). This actually is one of the best episodes “Hunter” ever did, across any season, and showed just how dialed in “Hunter” was by the end of the season. Unfortunately, the show had bled off so much of its audience due to the first 11, 12 episodes of the season, that it didn’t matter. So please, do yourself a favor, and DO pull this episode up on Hulu. You won’t regret the 48 some odd minutes spent with it, especially with the “wait … what?!?!” final scene. (OK, fine, I’m a sucker for “dude sacrifices everything he has for the girl he really loves” moment. What can I say, I’m retarded like that sometimes.)

Most Underrated Episode: episode twenty one (“Ex Marks the Spot”). I kind of wish this had been the series finale (it was the next to last episode). It’s a very funny episode. Don Rickles guest stars as a sleazy dry cleaners owner. Yes, hilarity ensues. Its that, or episode twelve (“Fatal Obsession Part One”), where Molenski is killed off. And trust me – after forty minutes of watching her “act”, you’re rooting for the serial killer to off her (which she does). Trust me – her acting is SO epically awful, you root for a cop killer to kill a cop. Sign 1,032,295 you’ve created an awful, awful, awful television character: when you root for her to die at the hands of a serial cop killer!

Season MVP: Chris Novak (Lauren Lane). Nearly single-handedly saved the show from cancellation, completely revitalized the show, and stole the scenes she was in. Lane would parlay this ten episode run the next fall into a role as CC Babcock on “The Nanny”, her role of a lifetime. She earned it with this ten episode run. Honorable mention to the season seven theme song, the best version “Hunter” ever did. And yes, seeing Charlie “hustle” at the :55 second mark still makes me laugh out loud 21 years later. Uum, not that I ever owned that Members Only jacket, (verne lundquist voice) no sir! … let’s just move on.

Season LVP: Joanne Molenski (Darlanne Fluegel). Fifty years from now, TV professors will be showing her episodes as examples of wooden acting, lack of talent, lack of passion, and horrific casting.

Bottom Line: to be fair, the series probably should have ended when McCall left after season six, as to many fans of the show, it died when she left. But Lauren Lane’s Sgt. Novak showed what could have been, and salvaged the final thoughts of the show in most fan’s eyes.

OK, fine, it salvaged it in my eyes. “Hunter” is one of the two crappy shows on this countdown that I will not apologize for loving. (The other one is up next). What can I say, my Saturday nights as a 9, 10, 11 year old were spent on the couch watching NBC with my mom. “Golden Girls”, “227”, “Amen”, “Empty Nest”, and “Hunter”. Which, to be fair, is still a better prime-time lineup than NBC has on ANY night of the week in 2011, save for maybe Sundays in the fall.

2. “Good Times” season six (1976-1977).

Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: believe it or not … Florida’s return. Nah, I’m just kidding, that was by far and away the season’s highlight. No, the season sucked something awful because (hang on, suspend ANY and ALL belief in reality right … about … now …) a first round draft pick of the Chicago Bears, from Northwestern, falls in love with Thelma (note: that ain’t the unbelievable part) … then somehow blows out his knee walking down the aisle (note: STILL not the unbelievable part) … then LOSES his contract with said Bears for most of the season! Now, I know 1976 was a long time ago. Christ, I was still in my mommy’s tummy at that point. But not even 35 years ago did NFL teams, I don’t know, CUT THEIR FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK BECAUSE OF A RECOVERABLE INJURY! Even more outrageous? (wait for it …) The Bears gave Keith a contract in the season finale for MORE than they offered in the season opener! Wait, what?!?! And you wonder why this season ranks only second? (florida evans voice) So do I child. So do I!!!

Season’s Worst Episode: episode four (“Florida’s Homecoming: United We Stand”). JJ taking money from a pimp to pay for his sister’s wedding? Totally believable. Said pimp accepting a worthless locket in repayment because Flo says its so? Color me shocked – shocked! – that this show tumbled from a top 20 mainstay to an after-thought literally overnight.

Season’s Best Episode: episode twenty (“A Matter of Mothers”). If you loved season five (and I did), then the payoff here is worth wading through 19 half hours of abject bullshit to get to. This might be “Good Times” final seasons’ finest hour. Screw that – it is its finest hour.

Most Underrated Episode: episode nineteen (“The Physical”). Not a great thirty minutes of television … but seeing a rant against the insanity that is our medical system … as well as seeing a ten-years-early Captain Devane, makes it all worth it.

Season MVP: Gotta go with Keith (Ben Gordon). An awful, awful cast addition who is so awful … that you just can’t turn away, in a trainwreck kind of way.

Season LVP: Also gotta go with Keith. Trust me – by the time you get to the inevitable “Keith’s an alcoholic” episode, you’ll be chugging right along with him. This season was so epically awful, its an embarrassment to call it “Good Times”.

Bottom Line: show was cancelled midway through season six, and CBS burned off the remaining episodes in the summer. Smart call. This season was horrific. Somewhere in the great beyond, the great Esther Rolle is rolling over on a cloud, regretting for all of eternity her decision to return to attempt to right the sinking ship. Not even a semi-decent series finale can salvage this 12 hour run of horseshit from history’s graveyard of horrific ideas.

But your “winner”? A season of a television classic that, in hindsight … looks worse than it did at the time. Although it did have a few bright moments …

1. “Roseanne” season nine (1996-1997).

Reason Season Sucked Something Awful: I know the obvious answer most people will give is “because the Conners won $108 million dollars in the Illinois state lottery!” And you would be wrong. I actually loved the lottery subplot, and if you go back and watch the first three episodes from season nine, the season started out as good, if not better, than any season of “Roseanne”. What KILLED the season was episodes four through eleven, when John Goodman left the show. By the time they backed the Brinks truck up and bribed Dan Conner back onto the set, nearly a third of the audience was gone, and after not one, but two so ridiculously unbelievable, unfunny, and utterly retarded episodes had aired, that nobody took the show credibly anymore.

Season’s Worst Episode: (tie). Episode eight (“Roseambo”) and episode nine (“Home is Where the Afghan Is”). My God, how do you pick between these two piles of garbage? “Roseambo” is exactly what it sounds like – Roseanne, on a train, “rescuing” her family and passengers as Steven Seagal himself guest-stars. Yes, this episode actually occurred. Someone actually not only green-lighted this ridiculous plot, they got paid for it.

But as bad as “Roseambo” was … “Afghan” might have been worse. By this point, Roseanne was just chucking stuff against the wall to see what stuck, and in the ultimate “what are the f*cking odds?!?!” plot twist of a century … she has her mother, written as a conservative Republican who hates gay people for EIGHT FREAKING YEARS before this, out herself as a lesbian at Thanksgiving dinner. She pretty much single-handedly ensured her cancellation with this episode.

Season’s Best Episode: Episode three (“What a Day for a Daydream”). The 200th episode of the series, the third of the season, and it’s amongst the 5 or 6 best episodes the show ever produced. The plot is basically the Conner clan sitting around the table having dinner, with Roseanne tripping out every so often into fantasy land … and it delivers. The Conners on “Jerry Springer”? As funny as you’d expect it to be. Roseanne winning the Miss Universe pageant? As repulsive in a swimsuit as you’d expect her to look (and yet, it works, you’ll be laughing at the visual). And the best moment – Roseanne and Jackie posing for Playboy wearing nothing but a tub-full of cash? You’re damned right the great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner not only signed off on this, he guest-starred in this episode. (For those of you who have ever wondered, my Hugh Hefner quote I love to use in various posts, “this is going to be something … (dramatic pause) … REALLY special!”, comes from this episode. It’s a great 30 minutes, right down to the “you won’t nominate us for an Emmy? Fine, we’ll nominate ourselves!” eff you closing scene that’s so piss poorly acted (intentionally), that you’ll be crying from laughing so hard at DJ “portraying” Moses. (It sounds insane, but again, it works.) One of the few bright spots of a horrific season.

Most Underrated Episode: episode eleven (“Home for the Holidays”). For three reasons. (1) Dan returns, and for the first 20 something minutes (right up until the scene on the closing credits), it seems like the show is back on track. (2) The gift exchange scene, when Roseanne gives Dan his main gift for Christmas 1996, will make any fan of this show, who stuck with it for the prior eight years, stand, applaud, cry, and cheer right along with the Conner clan. It’s a really, really neat moment. Really neat. And (3) that closing credits scene? Whatever last link to the previous eight years of goodwill, humor, and meaning this show had in its ninth season? Was tossed under the bus. Because of ALL the insane, ridiculous, “there is no f*cking way this would EVER happen” plotlines of season nine, the one this closing scene launched was the most insane, ridiculous, “there is no f*cking way this would EVER happen” of all of them.

Season MVP: (tie) Leon and Scott (played by Martin Mull and the greatness that is Fred Willard). This show criminitely under-used these two once they married them in season eight. But these two are just comedic gold in any scene they’re in together.

Season LVP: Prince Philip (played by Jim Varney). Yes, THE Jim Varney, playing a prince who sees Jackie in a tabloid, and spends the first half of the season trying to win her over. Let that sink in – Jim Varney, “Ernest P. Worle”, playing royalty. Truly, it is beyond amazing that ABC’s Tuesday night lineup that fall did as well as it did with this show as a lead-in – “Spin City” established itself as a breakout hit, “Home Improvement” was a top three show, and “NYPD Blue” was in the top ten. With this crap as its leadoff hitter.

Bottom line: if you ever want to see how NOT to write a sitcom, this season is it. The first three episodes are not only completely re-watchable, they show the potential the lottery subplot held. And then … the floor falls out. Its almost like nobody considered what to do AFTER the Conners won the lottery. “OK, they win … now what?” If you had jaunting off to Cape Cod, extended spa stays, Rambo ripoffs, gay mothers, cheating husbands, premature babies, a fifteen year old knocking boots with a co-ed attracted to him only for his family’s money, AND resurrecting the corpse of Wellman Plastics as a storyline as the answer, well, then you’re dumber than the writers and producers who actually used all those plotlines as season nine unfolded.

The season opened strong, and it actually finished with two rock-solid episodes. It’s the 18 in between that earned its designation as the worst season of television I’ve ever watched. And man, did those episodes “earn” that designation …

chiefs! packers! where the unthinkable happens ...

2011-12-20T18:52:00.000-06:00

“Crazy, but I’m relieved this time.
Begging for sweet relief,
A blessing in disguse.

Dying behind these tired eyes.
I’ve been losing sleep,
Please come to me tonight.

Hands on a miracle!
I’ve got my hands on a miracle!
Believe it or not, hands on a miracle!
And there AIN’T NO WAY!!!,
That you can take it away …”

-- “Miracle” by Foo Fighters, how I really feel about yesterday’s epic victory and it’s aftermath. But … can I REALLY go with that as the intro, after the beyond epic Chrismukkah gift the Chiefs PA office gave us? (pause …) Nope. Let’s do this:

“You take the grey skies out of my way!
You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day!
Turned a bright spark into a flame!
My beats per minute never been the same!

‘Cause you’re my lady, and I’m your fool!
It makes me crazy when you act so cruel!
Come on baby, let’s not fight!
We’ll go dancing, everything will be alright!

Wake me up, before you go-go!
Don’t leave me hanging on like a yo-yo!
Wake me up, before you go-go!
I don’t want to miss it when you hit that high!

Wake me up before you go-go!
‘Cause I’m not planning on flying solo!
Wake me up before you go-go girl!
Take me dancing tonight!!! …”

-- “Wake Me Up (Before You Go-Go)” by Wham! Yes, the Chiefs PA dude really did introduce the Green Bay Packers yesterday by playing Wham! I thought it was epically awesome. Little did I know it was the first shot of a day noone who was there will ever forget …

---------------------------------

Well, give the Chiefs this – they NEVER fail to surprise you. Just when you think you have this team figured out, they go out and absolutely dominate the previously unbeaten Green Bay Packers. If you were there, congratulations – like me, you witnessed the single most shocking, surprising, unexpected Chiefs victory in franchise history that, coupled with a few surprising outcomes out west, ensures the Chiefs postseason goose isn’t quite cooked yet.

There was not one legitimate reason to believe the Chiefs would, or even could, win this contest. In fact, earlier this week, the following text conversation occurred between me and “The Voice of Reason”:

(stevo) official orton starts
(gregg) like it matters at all
(stevo) no sh*t

Which is what made Sunday so special.

The entire fourth quarter, as the mood in the stadium amongst both fanbases turned from “holy sh*t, is this actually happening???” to “holy sh*t, this IS actually happening!!!”, I had a strange feeling that I’d seen this before. And it hit me, after Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy inexplicably refused to toss the challenge flag on Pope’s fumble a few minutes earlier, near the end of the third quarter.

Cincinnati, 2003.

When Gregg and I made a 500 plus mile journey to the River City, to watch our 9-0 Chiefs take on the hapless Bengals. And I spent the entire fourth quarter (a) seeking security after some drunken fan decked me, and (b) like the other 60% of the stadium that day that was clad in Red and Gold, wondering how the hell this happened. How the hell did an also ran rise up and beat the (at that moment) NFL’s best?

Yesterday, I felt the emotions running through me that those Bengals fans felt eight years ago. The pride, the absolute pride and joy in seeing your team, the scrappy underdog, that didn’t have a shot in you-know-where, go out and absolutely boatrace a far superior team for 59 ½ minutes. (I’ll give Green Bay this: they had one quality drive early in the third quarter to take the lead … a lead they held for about 33 seconds).

I mean, and maybe I just view this differently because I was (brent musburger voice) looking live at the scene, but has a 6-0 lead ever felt more comfortable? When the Chiefs finally punched it in to go up 19-7 with a little over five to play, did anyone honestly believe Green Bay could score two touchdowns on our defense? And maybe because success on the field breeds confidence in the stands, did anyone actually doubt we’d get the first down after recovering the onside kick (adventures in officiating! Holy crap, was Gene Stenatore’s crew inept yesterday or what)?

From the moment this thing got going, a little before 7 at the entrance to Gate 6, to the moment it finally closed down, at a back table at Fun House on 350 a little after 9, this day just reeked of epicness, of incredibleness, of what CAN be with this town, with this team riding high. As best I can do it, here’s your recap of the most unexpected Chiefs victory of my lifetime …

* Although to be fair, as multiple people noted after the game, I had spent the entire tailgate noting that “the last time a defending Super Bowl champion opened 13-0, they lost on the road to a 5-8 squad”. I kept mentioning that solely and completely because that Super Bowl champion, was your cheating denver broncos, who if Paul Tagliabue had an ounce of integrity and respect for the sport, would have stripped those (plural c word, and it rhymes with “bunts”) of their Lombardi Trophies for circumventing the salary cap, for cheating to win. But why let integrity and respect for the game get in the way of “this one’s for john!”

* Yes, I have seen the tiebreaker scenarios. Yes, I know exactly who to root for on Saturday and why. Yes, I fully believe a Chiefs / broncos season finale with a home playoff game on the line, might lead me to literally keel over dead of a heart attack. So I’m not going to mention it (for a few pages or so), beyond hoping that Chris Berman is invited to give the pregame speech to the Bills on Saturday to remind them that “NOBODY circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills!”

* We arrived at the gates a little bit before 7. I counted seven on the bus yesterday – myself, Susan, Russ and Mona, Anthony and his dad. OK, six. What can I say, I’m an accountant, math isn’t my strongest skill set (rimshot!) No, wait, I was right, seven – forgot Joe was there. Whew.

* Should probably back up for a minute to Saturday, because it was a total “what are the f*cking odds?!?!” kind of day. I slept in Saturday, finally getting up and moving around noon. I had to buy stuff for tailgating, plus had a couple Christmas parties, so I head to the Walmart on 350 about 1pm to buy some vodka, Gatorade, and other assorted needs.

I push the cart into the checkout line, not even paying a lick of attention, when who’s in front of me? Mickey, Amy and Owen! It is a small world after all! But wait, it gets even better! Because I wanted some Lakefront IPA for yesterday (more on this in a minute), so I head to the one place out my way guaranteed to carry it: the HyVee on Gregory and 350. I park the car, am strolling into the liquor store, and who is walking in right next to me? Tyler! As I noted when I got to my table at the Double Christmas lunch / boozefest: “if one more random person walks in here, I’m buying lottery tickets”.

* The Double Christmas bash was pretty sweet. Everyone’s favorite little Lounge that could! Plenty of food, cheap booze, and unfortunately, more smoke than you’d find in the old apartment at 9pm on a typical Tuesday night back in college. You couldn’t see clearly 20 feet away. Again, I cannot believe how anti-smoking I’ve become, because it seems like I live in various bars, depending on where I’m living at that point in my life. But they cannot ban public smoking in Raytown soon enough.

* OK, back to the pregame. We got the stereo up and going. The spiked hot chocolate was going down real smooth, at least by me. About 7:30ish, someone goes “hey, they’re opening the gates!” I head down, find our gate attendant, and he goes “yeah, Wayne said 8. Said at least one guy at this gate would appreciate it”. Yup, one guy definitely did. Thanks, champ!

* Not much to report from the next hour, until Ray and his crew arrived a little before 9. Other than I lost again at washers. With Russ as my partner. Russ had never played the game before. It showed. I scored all 5 of our points. I’m beginning to think I am an awful, awful, awful washers player.

* Ray and his crew arrived a little before 9. And then it was on like Donkey Kong. He couldn’t fry the fish fast enough. I can say this knowing some folks reading this will nod their heads and go “yup”, but I am not a big eater. I graze. I pick at food, even if I’m starving. Its probably why I weigh only 160 pounds even though I’m pushing 6 feet tall.

Having said that, it was a freaking free-for-all for the fish between me and Anthony. We were tallying up where we were at. “Ooh, I’m at 5!” “Just beat you! 6!” Could not get enough, and I wasn’t the only one – nearly $100 in cod was gone, done-zo, by 10am. Literally as soon as Ray pulled it out of the deep fryer, people were grabbing it.

Job well done sir. Job well done.

* “The Voice of Reason” and his dad showed up a little bit before we broke things down and headed in. Always good to see good people doing, uuh, good.

* KC Wolf sketch: dressed up as Dorothy, kicking Green Bay fan’s ass, aided by a conveniently and strategically placed ATV. I loved it.

* I have no clue who did the National Anthem … but kudos for stalling for fifteen, twenty seconds to sync up the flyover to coincide with “home of the … CHIEFS!” And I say this as someone who continues to state that flyovers are the biggest waste of money known to mankind.

* The Wham! Entrance for the Packers. I literally started crying from laughing so hard. I love that our PA guy has a sense of humor.

* OK, the game highlights, lowlights, and praise of one of THE funnest halftime shows I have ever been privileged enough to witness.

* Pack win the toss, choose to defer. As someone who appreciates history, I was thrilled with this – the last time the Chiefs pulled an upset even approaching this one, Pittsburgh made the same stupid move and gave us the ball first. Jamaal Charles returned the opening kickoff for seven. This year? Touchback. Damned five yards closer on the initial ball spot for kickoffs rule.

* Chiefs open at their own 20, and the first two plays gave you no reason to hope. Ol’ TJ offtackle for one. McClain up the middle for one. And then, like someone smacked him across the back of the head, DiNozzo style, Bill Muir woke up. A great crossing call to Copper for 10 and the first. The Chiefs kept marching, kept driving, finally settling for three and the early lead after having goal to go at the one. I was perfectly fine with kicking the field goal – against a superior opponent, take the points early and often, and don’t apologize for doing so.

* And the Chiefs D responds with a three and out! Unfortunately, we’re flagged for a blatant roughing the punter penalty that should have someone unemployed this morning. Thankfully, the defense holds again, forcing a very long (and completely unmakeable) Packers field goal attempt from 59. And ONCE AGAIN, special teams bites us in the ass, as we had 12 men on the field for the attempt. At this point, I turned to the guy next to me in abject horror. It’s Cleveland Browns Football from 2008 all over again!!! Inept penalties, stupid mistakes, brain farts, you’d think Romeo Crennel was our head coach!!! Oh. Wait. He is? (sawyer voice) Son of a b*tch!

* Thankfully, Crosby misses again, this time from 54. The wind in the west end zone was beyond tricky to gauge yesterday. Crosby was 0 for 2. Succup was (barely) 1 for 1.

* Chiefs take over with the short field at their own 44, 45, and here we go! They faced one third down on the entire drive, and that was at the Packers 14. Succup good again, this time from 32, and the Chiefs lead 6-0.

More importantly, at least to me? We’ve not only gone 2 for 2 in scoring on offensive possessions (albeit field goals), we’ve overcome FOUR insane brain farts already (the two special teams penalties, throwing the ball both times on goal to go at the one). Sometimes in this league, you win on skill. Sometimes, you win because your coach puts a clown suit on the other guy (like Romeo’s D did yesterday to McCarthy’s O). And sometimes, you win because you pull sh*t out of your ass that nobody sees coming. Overcoming four moronic decisions in the first 12 minutes of play? Is definitely the equivalent of pulling something out of your backside.

* Packers take over, manage to drive to midfield, and have to punt again. As someone who not only loves the phrase “defense wins championships”, but believes it to his inner core, watching Romeo’s guys yesterday gave me chills. Standing toe-to-toe with the likely NFL MVP, and frustrating the hell out of him, was a perfect Chrismukkah gift I definitely won’t be returning.

* At this point, we’re already 17 minutes in, Green Bay has yet to cross the Chiefs 40, and we’ve got the ball with a chance to do some serious damage. And to Bill Muir (who called the game of his LIFE yesterday) and Kyle Orton’s credit, they grabbed ahold of what the Pack gave them at this point, again driving the length of the field (drive started at the KC 15), again moving the ball at will (only two 3rd downs on a 15 play drive), again taking advantage of a rock solid short passing game to simply keep making plays.

Having said that … I COMPLETELY disagreed with going for it on 4th and goal at the 2 on this drive. I must have texted at least 20 times in the second half yesterday that “this game is over if we kick in 2nd qtr”. Because it would have been. Look it, I generally love the “riverboat gambler” mentality Coach Hobo brought to this team, because (a) if I was alive 150 years ago, I’d absolutely be earning a living as a riverboat gambler, and because (b) when you’ve got nothing, you’ve got nothing to lose.

But in that spot, in that situation? The Chiefs DID have something to lose, and that’s a gimme two possession game. There’s 3:30 on the clock before halftime. To go up two possessions there means you’re virtually guaranteed the lead at the half. If nothing else, psychologically, it inspires your fans to want to see what awaits after halftime. To say nothing of the fact that if your defense keeps playing at the level they have so far, two scores might be insurmountable. (And go figure, it was). Dumb decision to go for it there.

* After stopping the Chiefs on goal to go, Green Bay takes over at their own 3. And in the fifth of the “what the hell was this joker thinking?!?!” moments that nobody else will blog / report / criticize on, Romeo Crennel calls timeout after stuffing the Packers on 2nd down. No, that wasn’t the “what the hell was this joker thinking?!?!” moment, as the Chiefs had two timeouts left, and with Green Bay at their own three, you absolutely try to maximize the field position.

The “what the eff is this clown thinking?!?!” moment came on 3rd down, as the Chiefs did NOT call timeout after a 9 yard Packers gain. To say I was coming emotionally unhinged, screaming “call timeout you dumb f*ck!” at the Chiefs sideline while constantly signaling for a timeout with my hands, is an understatement. This was STUPID. That’s FIVE fireable offenses by Romeo and/or his staff in the first half … and we’d hit the locker room up 6-0. Unbelievable.

* Chiefs get it back after the two minute warning at their own 17, 18 yard line … and Mike McCarthy starts channeling his inner Romeo Crennel, by having a complete brain fart and not calling timeout after second down (he did after first and third). Ultimately, it didn’t matter, as Green Bay went three and out. (And even more incredibly, Romeo had a smart moment! After Rodgers threw incomplete on 3rd and 2, we somehow had 12 men in the huddle for the punt. Romeo whizzed away our last timeout to save the penalty. It ensured an all or nothing return … but at least confirmed he had a pulse. That he wasn’t Art Shell Jr. So to recap: that’s SEVEN incredible brain farts / stupid decisions by Chiefs coaches, players, and/or both … and we’re WINNING 6-0 at the half! As I told the guy next to me yesterday: “we don’t deserve this”. As he replied: “yup”.

(Note: for those of you who are on board with hiring Romeo after Sunday’s win, please, re-read the previous two pages of writing. SEVEN horrendous coaching decisions in 30 minutes of play. If you hire Romeo, you’re hiring Herm Junior. I’m ok with it – I wouldn’t have fired Herm in the first place. But if Herm frustrated you, I would strongly suggest you not get on board the Romeo bandwagon.)

* Halftime! Normally, I am more than willing to rip the dumb ass halftime routines even more than your average bear. Every year, we have to sit through (pick five) Jazzercise (because dudes in tights rock), the Mayor’s Ethnic Enrichment Council on Native American Relations (yes, this one has actually occurred before), Alumni Weekend (the one that usually rocks), the “inappropriately dressed eight year olds doing their cheerleader routine as a gigantic Christmas tree all but goes down on Mrs. Claus at midfield” (again, happened before), a local college marching band making the field virtually unplayable by marching all over the place (multiple occasions), Frisbee Dogs!!! (the one that I love), sad yet poignant and respectful tributes to Chiefs legends that have tragically passed from our lives (happens way too often), and …

Well, I’d have to defer to “The Voice of Reason” on this … but I can NEVER remember a halftime like yesterday.

We’ve had the Pee Wee League teams on the field before. (Note: its usually my favorite halftime of the year.) But we’ve never had Pee Wee League Fourth Graders from Olathe … taking on Local Area Mascots!!!

KC Wolf? Check. Sluggerrrr? Check. Sizzle? Check. The UMKC Kangaroo? Check. It was the damned funniest thing I have EVER seen in my life. (Pee Wee League 4th Graders won 7-0 in case anyone cares). KC Chiefs organization? Let’s make this a YEARLY occurrence going forward. THAT was fun. If only to see Sizzle blatantly “whiff” on a tackle to tank the game. I meant what I texted to multiple people: I PRAY someone Youtube!’d that. It was hilarious.

* Pack get the ball to open the second half, and I think I speak on behalf of everyone when I say, “it was ONLY 6-0?!?!” The Chiefs DOMINATED the first half, and had only six points to show for it. These tend to be the games you kick yourself in the ass over when they end. And for the next four, five minutes, that’s exactly what you were thinking.

* After a pair of three and outs, the Pack take over at their own 46 after a pathetic Dusty C punt that had me questioning if he was as high as Dusty J. (The answer: probably. Sorry champ. That punt was so awful, it entered your stratosphere.) And in a shock to nobody with a functioning brain and an IQ above 9, Aaron Rodgers abused Sabby Piscatelli for a 40 yard gain to get goal-to-go for Green Bay, and promptly abused him again in finding Donald Driver for the go-ahead score. Seriously, can we just cut Sabby now, and pray denver is dumb enough to sign him for the “play and you’re hosting a very beatable Steelers squad, and potentially going to Houston in round two if the Jets handle Baltimore!!!” bowl we’re on a crash course for in 13 days?

(Note: admit it, when I wrote four weeks ago after the Patriots debacle that there was still a decent chance the Chiefs could steal this thing at 9-7, 8-8, host a flawed squad in the wildcard (at the time, I projected Cincy), then travel to Houston in round two, while the Jets or Steelers kept winning on the other side of the bracket, you thought I was nuts. I’m not getting ahead of myself, because I do not believe at this moment that the Chiefs at broncos will be of any consequence to the Red and Gold … but admit it – hosting the Steelers (who we nearly beat with Palko under center), then traveling to Houston (without Schaub and Andre Johnson), and if the Jets keep winning on the road (as they always do in January) … admit it, you’re starting to contemplate a Cardinals-type Super Bowl run, just a little bit, for whatever flawed squad wins this division …)

* And then, just as the annoying Packers fans (who were everywhere yesterday) begin to shout, just as you begin to think “oh yeah, this is why we’re 5-8 and nearly drawing dead” thoughts in your head … Leonard Pope happens. For 40 to midfield. The Chiefs manage to hit the Packers 30 before a penalty, but (shockingly) in a credit to Bill Muir, who again, called the Game of a Lifetime yesterday, he simply took what the D gave him. You want to give me 10 yards to set up a makeable field goal, versus the first down? OK, 20 minutes to play, I’ll take it down one. Which is exactly what happened – 10 yard gain on 3rd down, Succup hits from 46, and the Chiefs retake the lead not even five minutes after Green Bay grabbed it. Huge stand upcoming.

* And the Chiefs hold, after yielding a couple first downs. Get the ball back, again drive inside the five, and take the points to go up 12-7. As I kept noting to everyone I was texting with yesterday, “if wed taken fg in 2nd qtr we’d be in great shape rt now”. As luck would have it, we WERE in great shape at that moment.

* Because the Pack go three and out, Chiefs take over at their own 34, 35, and with a little bit under 10 minutes to play, it’s all there for the taking. So allow me to type a few words in this next paragraph I didn’t envision typing as recently as 48 hours ago.

Bill Muir? Take a bow sir. Because this drive … would have made Don Coryall proud.

The Chiefs faced one third down – 3rd and goal at the 1, which Jackie Battle promptly slammed into the east end zone. And just like that, its 19-7 Chiefs, there’s barely 5 to play, and suddenly you start hearing the “Go Pack Go” chants change a little bit.

To “GO! CHIEFS! GO!” (minus the porno music, sadly).

* Chiefs start playing prevent (sadly), and for a rare occasion, the Pack move the ball, scoring with a little over two minutes to play to pull to within 5. (The EXACT margin of victory when the 2003 Chiefs fell eight years ago to the Bengals. Told you I’d bring it full circle!)

Then … the onside kick happened.

It was an epic ref meltdown, as Gene Stenatore’s crew first (misspotted) the ball, then (incorrectly) tried to penalize Green Bay for kicking it the proper ten years, then (incorrectly) tried to penalize Green Bay for touching said ball beyond ten yards, before (finally and correctly) spotting the ball at the Chiefs 45, 46 yard line. I’ll cut Stenatore some slack – he’s one of the better refs in the league (which is a bit like saying the raiders are a well-run, competently managed franchise), but my God, how do you whiff three times on where the ball should be, on a single play? Someone needs to step in and get NFL officials up to speed before someone goes Tim Donaghy on them.

* The three best plays of the game? Hang on, from NFL.com’s game play-by-play recap:

(1st and 10 at GB 24) Orton kneels for -2 yards.
(2nd and 12 at GB 26) Orton kneels for -1 yards.
(3rd and 13 at GB 27) Orton kneels for -1 yards.

Ballgame.

Season still f*cking on!!! At least for a few more days.

* Postgame, not much special. Some fun at the bus waiting for the parking lot to clear out. We hit up Fun House last night because it sounded good (and tasted as awesome as always. Again, I’m not a big eater, I’m a grazer … and I plowed through half a Meat Lovers large last night.)

And somehow, despite it all, I made it in for a full day of work on Monday.

Which brings me to the closing thought, and it is this:

* Despite EVERYTHING so far this season, we enter Chrismukkah weekend still alive for a playoff berth. And unlike 2006, this isn’t a “throw every damned thing you can find and see if it sticks” 8 separate outcomes go our way scenario. Its as simple as a three way can get!

Buffalo must beat denver. If this doesn’t happen, nothing else matters.
We have to beat oakland. If this doesn’t happen, nothing else matters.
And the Detroit freaking Lions, hosting San Diego, with a playoff berth for the first time since 1999 on the line, in a “win and we’re in, no doubt about it” scenario, would greatly help us with a win. But if they don’t? So long as the first two happen, hope springs eternal.

I joked a few weeks ago about the following facts that nobody can (positively or negatively) dispute:

* for my 10th birthday, the Chiefs had to beat denver (at Arrowhead) to keep hope alive for a playoff berth. They did, winning 37-10, and ultimately clinching their first playoff berth of my lifetime (and first in 15 years).

* for my 16th birthday, the Chiefs had to beat denver (at Arrowhead) in a “winner-takes-last-wildcard” scenario. The Chiefs did, beating denver 42-20, and the donkeys promptly fired Dan Reeves as their head coach. (Should note: this is the game that gave us one of the greatest play calls of all time, after DT sacked, stripped, and recovered elway’s fumble for a touchdown. “Not even Santa Claus can save the denver broncos today!” Oh, let’s pray that’s true again on Saturday …)

* for my 21st birthday, the most painful of them all (since it happened on said 21st birthday), the Chiefs hosted denver in the AFC Divisional Playoffs. I said all week leading into that showdown that “whoever wins is winning this Super Bowl, and probably next year too”. Godd*mmit I hate being right, as denver beat KC 14-10, and won the next two Super Bowls.

* for my 30th birthday, the Chiefs needed a myriad of outcomes to go their way, none more improbable than denver laying down at home and losing to doormat San Francisco (who we’d already beaten 41-0). Somehow, someway, denver blew it, losing in overtime 23-20 and setting off a night of prolific drinking on my part that I have never come close to matching since.

And now, as another “milestone birthday” approaches, and I turn 35 in two weeks? (chris farley in “tommy boy” voice) Well lookie here Richard! IF Buffalo beats denver, and IF Detroit beats San Diego, and IF the Chiefs beat those criminals and thugs known as the raiders?

Then KC at denver decides the division.

I don’t ask for much. But since I got one Chrismukkah miracle, and the Chiefs somehow beat the Packers to keep hope alive, I’m asking for the biggest Chrismukkah miracle of them all.

Chiefs! donkeys! 7:20pm, Sunday, January 1st! With a division title and a rematch with the Steelers in the wildcard round on the line!

Until next time, enjoy the week. And please, avoid talking about the “elephant in the room”, namely that oakland has won four straight at Arrowhead, all in blowout fashion, and it should be eight straight if the first 59 minutes of a game decided the outcome …

my list of replacements for coach hobo

2011-12-12T14:47:00.002-06:00

Well, that sucked.

I had a 12 page post all ready to go on why Coach should stay. Instead, as I'm finishing up my arguments in favor of a fourth year, my phone starts blowing up with texts from countless folks informing me that the Chiefs have relieved Todd Haley of his duties as head coach.

So allow me a few words regarding Todd Haley, before moving on to (I guess) the new point of today's post, and that is who should replace him.

I was not a fan of the Todd Haley hiring when it went down. I'll be honest up front -- I wanted Mike Shanahan. By the time the denver broncos left town in early December of 2009, after blowing out the Chiefs 34-6 in a game that featured what I still consider to be "the worst play in franchise history", I was calling for his firing immediately. No second season, no third season, don't even contemplate letting him finish out his contract -- in the words of Rage Against the Machine, "f*ck it, cut the cord!"

So you can imagine my surprise that barely 24 months after that post ... that I am furious at this firing this morning.

Todd Haley didn't deserve this. You can argue whether or not his boss deserved this fate (I'm of the opinion that Pioli does not ... yet, anyways), but there is no way in hell Todd Haley deserved this fate.

Did Haley take the wrong approach to the limited offseason and training camp and all of preseason? Absolutely. You can't dispute facts (as much as I try to), and the fact is that this team was woefully underprepared for the regular season. But I can't fault Todd Haley for trying something different. The NFL had NEVER before faced an offseason like the one we just endured. Why not try something different to see if it gains you a competitive advantage? I supported what Coach Haley did. I'm not going to rip him a new one now, for something I agreed with four months ago.

Did Haley rally this team from the brink this season? Oh hell to the yes he did. The first ten quarters of this season, the Chiefs were outscored 99-10, were 0-2, and trailing by double digits at halftime, on the road, against a team that has won the AFC West 5 of the last 7 years (and whose worst record in those 7 years was 9-9 counting playoffs). The next 18 quarters and half an overtime later, the Chiefs sat at 4-3, all alone atop the AFC West.

Did Haley suffer a ridiculous amount of injuries? Absolutely. I mentioned this earlier to someone, but I'll post it here for everyone to read -- I consider Chuck Noll to be the greatest head coach in NFL history. And not even Chuck Noll would have done better than 5-8 without his starting strong safety, starting tight end, starting running back, starting middle linebacker, first round draft pick, starting quarterback, and starting right tackle for significant chunks of time this season. I hate people who use the "injuries are not an excuse" line, because injuries absolutely ARE a legitimate excuse. Ask fans of the 2011 Colts if injuries matter. (While you're at it, ask them also if coaching matters. Ah, Jim Caldwell, you ain't Number 32 in the Stevo Coaches Rankings for nothing!)

You try winning in the NFL with Tyler Palko as quarterback, Jackie Battle as running back, Barry Richardson guarding the blind side, Sabby Piscatelli and Jon McGraw as half of your starting secondary, and Jovan Belcher starting at inside linebacker, instead of Matt Cassel, Jamaal Charles, Ryan Lilja, Eric Berry, Tony Moeaki, and Brandon Siler. Good luck with that.

Was Haley tempermental, a little too emotional, a little too unrestrained? At times, sure. But most good coaches are. I mean, if you're going to rip Todd Haley for having a lack of self-control on the sidelines, for dropping the f bomb constantly on the sidelines, and yet you want Jon Gruden to come here, what are you, a complete hypocrite? Or just mentally retarded? No coach is more unrestrained than Jon Gruden. If you want him to replace Todd Haley, fine by me. God knows we can (and probably will) do worse than Gruden. Just don't use Haley's sideline demeanor as a negative against him, if Gruden is your pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken in the coaching race.

The bottom line to me with Todd Haley is this: he probably wasn't ready for the job when he got it ... and he still had his players going as hard as possible for him, even as the losses and injuries mounted this year. You can say last year's division title was a fluke, and I won't disagree with you, but you can't take away the fact that Todd Haley's team won the division. You can hold the fact that he never beat a 10 plus win team against him (0 for 9, assuming the Jets make it to ten, and the Bears don't), but it's not like the Chiefs have the league's most loaded roster, and it's not like we didn't come close -- the Chiefs nearly beat the Cowboys in 2009 (losing in overtime), gave the Colts fits last year, and nearly beat the Steelers this year. His manner may have alienated people ... but those people didn't play for him. There's no doubt that these guys fought for him, and in that, is the best tribute you can give to the guy. I wish him nothing but the best, and pray he doesn't wind up coaching in oakland, denver, or San Diego anytime soon.

Having said that, the question now becomes, who replaces Todd Haley as the Chiefs 11th head coach in franchise history? The next hire will be our fourth coach in eight years (not exactly a stable franchise), and sixth head coach in 12 years (again, stablity non-existant). I'd also argue this one is the most important hire of the six, because not only is a head coach riding on this hire, in all probability our entire front office rides on this hire.

The schedule next year lays up a little bit. Assuming the Chiefs finish last in the AFC West (a safe assumption at this point), here's what we face:

Home: broncos, raiders, Chargers; Ravens, Bengals; Bucs, Saints; AFC South (Colts)
Road: broncos, raiders, Chargers; Steelers, Browns; Panthers, Falcons; AFC East (Dolphins)

With an upgrade in health, as well as an infusion of some additional talent, in this division? Absolutely the Chiefs can go from worst to first for the second time in three years. Which is why the coaching hire is so important.

Below, I will discuss the various candidate's names I've heard, and my opinions on them. I believe the hire will come from one of the ten people I look at below. I have my fears on who the hire will be, and I freely admit, my top choice for the job? Probably has no chance of being "the one", but I'm tossing him out there because I believe it not only would be a perfect hire, it would completely re-invigorate the fanbase, or at least instill a newfound confidence in the current regime that doesn't exist right now.

In reverse order of my preference, 10 being "please don't hire this tool", and 1 being "back the Brinks truck up and make this happen" ...

10. Josh McDaniels.
Current job: offensive coordinator, St. Louis Rams (2011 first season).
Prior jobs: head coach, denver broncos; offensive coordinator, New England Patriots.
Connections to Pioli: many, dating to his time in New England.

My thoughts: if Josh McDaniels is the hire as head coach, I will not renew my tickets. Let me state that again, in case anyone doubts me. If Josh McDaniels is the head coaching hire, I'm done with this team until they take a flamethrower to One Arrowhead Drive and burn out the stench and incompetence. Josh McDaniels is not only unqualified for the job, he's not qualified for the job he has now. Promoting him to head coach -- again -- after a disasterous season in St. Louis as a coordinator, would be the single worst move Scott Pioli can make.

Unfortunately, its also the one I fully expect him to make. McDaniels has to be the odds-on favorite to get the job at this point. Excuse me while I vomit into the trash can for the next three minutes at that realization ...

9. Kirk Ferentz
Current job: head coach, University of Iowa (1999-present, 13 seasons)
Record: 96-65 at Iowa, 57-47 in Big Ten (plus two) play. 11 .500 plus seasons, 10 bowl games (2 BCS bowls).
Connections to Pioli: worked together with the Browns in the 1990s.

My thoughts: I'd be ok with Ferentz. My only concerns with Kirk Ferentz are age (he'll be 56 on opening day next year), lack of pro coaching experience, and that he might be ok with Ricky Stanzi under center. (Note: I do NOT buy for one second the idea that Todd Haley stuck with Palko to screw with Pioli. Haley's a competitor. He wouldn't lay down. If he genuinely thought Stanzi could play, he'd have been out there for the second half yesterday.)

I do not believe Kirk Ferentz will be the pick. But I do think he'll get an interview, and he's definitely a dark horse to keep your eyes on.

8. Romeo Crennel
Current job: interim head coach / defensive coordinator, Chiefs (2010-present, 2 seasons)
Previous jobs: head coach, Cleveland Browns; defensive coordinator, New England Patriots.
Connections to Pioli: too many to count.

My thoughts: I'm not sure how I feel about Romeo as head coach. On the one hand, for at least the first 3 1/2 years at the helm, his Browns teams overachieved, including posting a 10 win season in 2007 with Derek Anderson under center. On the other hand, the last three months of his tenure were a textbook in how not to run a professional football team. And honestly, I prefer him as a defensive coordinator. However, I don't see any way Romeo returns as DC unless McDaniels is the hire, and I'd rather be stabbed with a thousand knives of fire in my dick than have Josh McDaniels as my next head coach.

Crennel has to be considered the co-front runner right now. Let's just all be grateful that we're only at the half mile mark of this search, at best.

7. Bill Cowher.
Current job: analyst, CBS Sports (2007-present, 5 seasons).
Previous job: head coach, Pittsburgh Steelers; defensive coordinator, Kansas City Chiefs.
Connections to Pioli: none, but connections to the Chiefs dating back 25 years.

My thoughts: ok, let's get this out on the table. Bill Cowher is an outstanding defensive coordinator, possibly the best the Chiefs have ever employed. He is a genius at assembling an all-star staff around him (seriously, go back sometime and look at that 1989, 1990, 1991 Chiefs defensive staff. The level of talent is mind-blowing). And he's a pretty successful head coach who lasted fifteen years in Pittsburgh, and won a Super Bowl (while appearing in a second one).

But he hasn't coached a game in five years. His last season was a complete catastrophe (save for the Steelers doing their part in the Immaculate Fivefecta to end the 2006 regular season). And if you think the Chiefs have underachieved the last couple decades? Cowher's Steelers hosted 5 AFC Title Games, and three other times had first round byes (meaning they were a top 2 seed). In those 8 seasons, the Steelers reached the Super Bowl once (1995), and they had to survive a dropped touchdown by the Colts inside of a minute to play to get there. The only time Cowher's teams played above expectation, was their Super Bowl winning season in 2005.

Would Cowher be a solid hire? Absolutely. Would I be upset if he was the pick? Absolutely not. Are there 9 people I prefer to Bill Cowher? You betcha. I just can't get past that "five years out of the game" thing. I can only think of one head coach in history who had a long layoff, and managed to succeed when he returned -- Dick Vermeil. And even then, Dick was one lucky knee injury from getting run out of St. Louis after three seasons. I like Cowher. I just don't think he's the right pick.

6. Jon Gruden
Current job: analyst, ESPN (2009-present, 3 seasons).
Previous job: head coach, Bucs and raiders; offensive coordinator, Packers.
Connections to Pioli: none, outside of the Tuck Rule Game.

My thoughts: of all the former head coaches, this one intrigues me the least. Because we know exactly what we'll get with Chucky -- a hard nosed football team that plays with a chip on its shoulder, that is not scared to take chances on either side of the ball, and is innovative, especially on offense. You also will get something SORELY missing from this franchise right now -- an intense HATRED of hated divisional rivals oakland and denver. For that reason alone, he should be considered.

With Gruden though, its a very limited window of opportunity. He will burn out, ala Vermeil in Philadelphia (and possibly at the end here in KC). A more intriguing choice might be, from the same family ...

5. Jay Gruden.
Current job: offensive coordinator, Cincinnati Bengals (2011 first season).
Previous job: offensive coordinator, Tampa Bay Buccaneers; head coach, Tampa AFL team (2 Arena League championships).
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.

My thoughts: this would be the home run swing, the all or nothing hire. (Save for maybe number 3 on this list, although number 3 is a pipe dream). Gruden has been a "hot commodity" as an assistant for a few years now, and his work with the Bengals this year has shown why. If you want to continue to focus on the offensive side of the ball, this is the young up-and-comer that you should target (not Josh McDaniels, who isn't up, isn't coming, and if anything, should be required to wear a dunce cap and a clown suit to every interview he sits for). Gruden also has head coaching experience, albeit in the Arena League, but if we saw anything over the previous decade, its that success in that league CAN translate to success in the NFL (see Warner, Kurt).

I would hope Gruden gets an interview. A Gruden package deal is intriguing as well, Jon as head coach, Jay running the offense as the designated successor for Jon in 5-6 years if things go well. This one really intrigues me.

4. Brian Billick.
Current job: analyst, FOX Sports (2010-present, 2 seasons).
Previous job: head coach, Baltimore Ravens; offensive coordinator, Minnesota Vikings.
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.

My thoughts: of all the former coaches, this one intrigues me the most. In the interest of full disclosure, I love Brian Billick. I know his Ravens teams were defined by defense (fine by me!), but people forget just how brilliant this guy is at coaching offense. The most explosive offense in league history? Brian Billick coached it, with the 1998 Vikings.

His ultimate downfall in Baltimore, is the same issue we have here right now: no franchise quarterback. And yet, Billick won a Super Bowl starting Tony Banks and Trent Dilfer, won a playoff game with Elvis Grbac, won a division with Kyle Boller, and won a division with a washed up Steve McNair under center. If anyone can milk something out of another season of Matt Cassel, it's this guy, is it not? I hope Billick gets serious consideration. (Which of course, means he won't even warrant a passing mention).

3. Bob Stoops
Current job: head coach, University of Oklahoma (1999-present, 13 seasons)
Record: 138-34 at OU, 84-21 in Big XII (minus two) play. 13 .500 plus seasons, 7 Big XII titles, 13 bowl games (8 BCS bowls).
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.

My thoughts: THIS is the dark horse I want to see get an interview, for three reasons. (1) I truly believe the spread offense in some form is going to take over the NFL in the next 2-3 years. You simply cannot ignore the success of the Bills and the tebows (and the Wildcat formation at times), and conclude that someone isn't going to make it work at a pro level. (That someone already exists -- his name is Chan Gailey, and he's been doing it dating back to when he ran Bill Cowher's offenses in Pittsburgh, but anyways). (2) He's accomplished everything he can at the collegiate level. There's no challenge left for him at that level. And (3) you want to reinvigorate the fanbase? Hire the most successful coach in the region (with all due apologies to Bill Snyder).

Would this hire work? Hell if I know. But I do know I'm intrigued enough to give it significant thought. I hope Scott Pioli is as well.

2. Jeff Fisher
Current job: still chairman of the NFL Competition Committee.
Previous job: head coach, Tennessee Titans.
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.

My thoughts: of all the "realistic" options, Fisher is the best of them. A proven winner, his teams usually overachieved in Tennessee, regularly made the postseason, and as recently as three years ago, had the best record in the NFL. Knows how to develop a young quarterback into a Super Bowl caliber franchise guy (see McNair, Steve).

Again, of all the "realistic" options, Fisher is the best of them. If he isn't at least offered a chance to interview for the Chiefs position, more heads should roll at One Arrowhead Drive than already have this morning (and will in three weeks).

But of ALL the potential options on the table, there's one that stands out above all the others. I am fully aware it has little to no chance of occurring. I'm aware that a late season surge might render him unavailable (aka "he doesn't get poop canned"). And if that's the case, so be it ... but we've "traded" for head coaches before -- twice in this century for crying out loud. All I'm saying is, give Stevo's Top Choice a chance ... and the person I want you to give a chance is ...

1. "Fat" Andy Reid.
Current job: head coach, Philadelphia Eagles (1999-present, 13 seasons).
Record: 123-81-1 (through yesterday) regular season; 10-9 postseason. 10 .500 plus seasons, 6 division titles, 9 playoff berths (prior to this season); 5 NFC Title Game appearances, 1 Super Bowl appearance (L vs Patriots Super Bowl XXXIX).
Connections to Pioli: none that I am aware of.

My thoughts: how can you top this hire? What isn't to love about this? A proven veteran head coach who makes the playoffs 3 out of every four years, wins at least once when he gets there, and has his team one game away from the Super Bowl every other season. What's not to love about this hire?

Develop a Super Bowl caliber franchise quarterback? Been there done that -- TWICE. First as Green Bay's offensive coordinator in the 1990s (Brett Favre), then as head coach / offensive coordinator with the Eagles in the 2000s (Donovan McNabb). Injuries at the position decimate you? Fine. He can make the playoffs starting AJ Feeley, Jeff Garcia, and Kevin Kolb, none of whom are a Super Bowl franchise caliber player.

The only knock on "Fat" Andy Reid I can think of is his clock management skills. Which is ok -- if you recognize your flaw, then go out and hire someone to coach you what to do in relation to the clock and the challenge flag. Dick Vermeil was ATROCIOUS at clock management ... until he hired Mike White to handle that aspect of the game for him.

If the Eagles fire him after this season, there will be PLENTY of teams lined up to interview him. I hope the Chiefs are one of those teams. If he's not fired however, if Jeff Loria brings him back for a 14th season, why not pick up the phone, call the Eagles, and see if you can trade a 2nd rounder for him? That's what we paid the Rams for Dick Vermeil. (We gave the Jets a 4th rounder for Herm Edwards).

Would you trade a 2nd rounder for 6-8 years of "Fat" Andy Reid? I sure as hell would. If he's on the street, would you commit 6 years, $36 million to "Fat" Andy Reid? I sure as hell would.

You argue "well, the Eagles just hired him, immediate retreads NEVER work!" To which I respond: sure, if you're looking at Ray Rhodes, Rich Kotite, or Eric Mangini, absolutely. But there's a reason why those guys failed -- they sucked the first time around too. If you hire a proven winner for a second chance? It tends to work pretty well. Ask john fox. You think denver regrets hiring him within a week of his getting fired? Or to bring it close to home, Marty Schottenheimer, who the Browns stupidly canned after losing in the wildcard round in 1988. You think Carl regrets offering Marty a new job less than a month after he was fired from his old one?

"Fat" Andy Reid is a PROVEN winner, whose teams routinely make the playoffs, and win once they get there. You can argue "Fat" Andy Reid has "underachieved" in the postseason, and he's likely to be the first person to agree with you.

But you know who has a WORSE postseason record, at 10-10? Alleged all time great Peyton Manning. You think Colts fans care that Manning has "underachieved" in January? HELL NO! Because Manning delivered a Lombardi Trophy (and went 4-0 in the 2006 playoffs, meaning he's 6-10 in his other 10 appearances. Yikes.) As a Chiefs fan, if you knew going in that "Fat" Andy Reid would have the Chiefs in the title game within 3 years (like he did in Philly) and in the Super Bowl within 5 years (again, like in Philly), would you take it? Would you trade off clock management and challenge issues, to say nothing of laughing at him looking like the Michelin Man on the sidelines in December, would you trade that for being 60 minutes away from a Lombardi, and FINALLY bringing Lamar's Trophy home?

If your answer is "no", question your status as a Chiefs fan. Because the ONLY thing that matters in this next hire, is to bring in a guy who within 3 years can have this team in a conference title game. There's enough talent here that with the right choice at quarterback, that can happen. If "Fat" Andy Reid or Jeff Fisher is the hire? It WILL happen.

If its anyone else, be concerned. Especially if that someone else is named Josh McDaniels ...

the week 14 guesses

2011-12-09T15:15:00.000-06:00

For the Chiefs, its as simple as this.

Do on Sunday ... or the season will die.

The road to a AFC West championship, a home playoff game, and a rematch with the Steelers is still, somehow, someway, right there for the taking. Do the Chiefs need a little help to get there? Yes. Specifically, we need both oakland and denver to lose at least once (in addition to losing to us). oakland visits the Packers this week. I'm going to guess that's the loss we need from them. And the tebows have the desperate Bears at home this week, then the Patriots at home next week, in addition to a frisky Christmas Eve trip to desperate Buffalo. Hopefully they lose one of those three. (Screw that -- hopefully they lose all three. I am nowhere near ready for a world where a john elway run, tim tebow led denver broncos team is a legitimate Super Bowl contender. Hang on, I just threw up typing that last sentence. Let me recompose myself ...)

If the Chiefs can sweep this road trip*, they climb right back into the thick of the playoff race. Despite losing (here we go ... you might want to pour yourself a stiff drink, or roll a potent joint before continuing ... ready? ...) despite losing their Pro Bowl quarterback, Pro Bowl running back, Pro Bowl safety, stud tight end, best offensive lineman, AND starting some piece of retread crap named Sabby Piscatelli**, despite ALL of that, the Chiefs are still just one win away from potentially controlling their own destiny.

(*: fun fact! Do you know the last time the Chiefs won back-to-back road games? (cue "jeopardy final question" music). 2004, when we beat oakland and Tennessee back-to-back. Let's just say, we're long overdue for a road winning streak.)

(**: it is not possible to put into words how much I despise Sabby Piscatelli. I pray that when he's cut after this season, that denver signs him, if only to justify my hatred of that piece of crap.)

For the Chiefs to win on Sunday, I believe they must do seven things. Here are those seven things.

1. They absolutely must protect the football. Last Sunday, they did a phenomenal job of this, not losing a fumble, not throwing an interception. They only had one brain fart last week, and D Bowe was there to immediately recover the potential fumble. As good as the Bears defense is, the Jets is every bit as talented. It is vital that, like last week's game, we not put the defense in a deep hole they have no chance of recovering from.

2. They absolutely must contain the Jets passing game. I fully expect "Sexy" Rexy Ryan to test the Brandon Brothers early and often, if only to try to build some confidence in Mark Sanchez. (There's two other reasons to do this -- open up the middle of the field for Dustin Keller, and to take the heat off the Jets anemic rushing attack by possibly opening up a few running lanes.) As much as I like Brandon Flowers, he has a tendency to get burned at least a couple times a game. This simply cannot happen if the Chiefs are to spring the upset.

3. The pressure the defense brought last week? Needs to occur again. We don't need seven sacks like last week (at least I think it was seven, it might have been more), but certainly knocking the Sanchize to the ground early and often needs to happen. As a Jets fan, trust me -- you can rattle Mark Sanchez. You get a few early good blows in on him? You WILL rattle him. And once he's rattled, he looks worse than either Tyler Palko or Caleb Hanie have looked so far. And considering that in five starts between them, they've thrown 13 interceptions and lost 3 fumbles, that's saying something.

4. Take some chances deep. Other than the Hail Mary to end the half, the Chiefs played a very conservative gameplan last week, which is fine because it worked. But I'd like to see a return to the gameplan from the Steelers game, where we took some calculated chances. If you have a 2nd and 2, why not try a 20 yard crossing pattern to Breaston? If you've got 3rd and 1 at the Jets 35 (knowing you'll go for it on 4th down if nothing changes), why not air it out to D Bowe?

And specifically, on 3rd and half a mile, air it out! God bless it, going conservative on 3rd and more than 10 drives me bat sh*t crazy. If you throw a 45 yard pass and its picked off, WHO CARES? It's no worse than a punt anyways. And you always have the chance on that 45 yard bomb of something crazy happening, like a pass interference flag, a defensive holding somewhere, a roughing the passer penalty, or even the receiver making the catch and extending the drive. Running a draw play on 3rd and 13 drives me absolutely nuts.

(Unless you're deep in your territory. If you're at your own 6, absolutely a draw on 3rd and 13 makes sense. But at the 40? Its stupid.)

5. Coach Hobo? Wear black. If only for the sanity of some of the people I watch road games with please -- wear black. It's for your own good.

6. The one thing last week I loved on offense? Was rolling Palko out of the pocket. Do this again. Repeatedly. The Jets defense does have a weakness, and its a system flaw with the Ryan type defense -- overcommitting to a play. There's not a lot of read-and-react in a Ryan defensive package. (The exact opposite of most Crennel defensive calls, which are all read and react, which also has its flaws, but fewer than committing before the snap, like Rex's defense does). Roll Palko out. Leonard Pope isn't going to win any speed contests, but he's a decent tight end with solid hands who will get you 4-5 yards every time on a simple rollout pass.

I loved the play to open the Steelers game, when Palko rolled out and hit Breaston streaking across the middle of the field fifteen yards downfield. Palko has some speed. James Harrison had to commit to stopping Palko from taking off ... which opened up the middle of the field. The Jets can be had the same way. And finally

7. Don't overthink things. Just stick to what you believe will work, and make it work. The Orton playcall last week was stupid. No legitimate defense (and the Bears are certainly that) is going to fall for a flea-flicker on the first play a QB enters the game for. They're expecting something quacky in that spot. There's no need to get cute. Cute is what you aim for when your girlfriend / wife / friend with benefits / random pickup at the Eclipse is putting on a private show for you. Football is not "cute". Its hard work, its tireless dedication, and its grinding it out, sticking with it. There's nothing "cute" about it.

There's your gameplan to success. Roll Palko out. Take a few low-risk / high-reward chances down the field. Get to the Sanchize early and keep going after him. Don't get cute. And have the head coach wear black.

The question isn't can the Chiefs win this game. Absolutely they can. The question is will they? Before answering that question, here are the rest of my Week 14 Predictions, and for the record, I'd have taken the Steelers -15 last night (Pittsburgh won 14-3, so we're already off to a "winning start" this week, oy ...)

* at Ravens (-16) 41, Colts 3.
* at Panthers (+2 1/2) 31, Falcons 30.
* at Bengals 24, Texans (+3 1/2) 21.
* at Lions (-8) 45, Vikings 13.
* Bucs (-2) 24, at Jaguars 14. Good Times Game O' The Week! Dy-No-Mite!
* at Dolphins (-3 1/2) 24, Eagles 17.
* Saints (-3 1/2) 31, at Titans 14.
* Patriots (-9) 31, at Redskins 10.
* at Cardinals (+3 1/2) 28, 49ers 24.
* Bears (+4) 17, at tebows 10.
* at Packers (-10) 41, raiders 14.
* Bills (+7) 31, at Chargers 20. The "Screw You Pete King" Upset of the Week.
* at Cowboys 21, Giants (+3 1/2) 20.
* at Seahawks (-6 1/2) 20, Rams 0.

And in the matchup that matters the most to me, and I would guess most everyone reading this ...

* Chiefs (+9 1/2) 13, at Jets 3. I have a stupid superstition. (Really Stevo, just one?) And it is this: as long as the Chiefs are mathematically alive to win the Lombardi Trophy, I wear a Chiefs bracelet on my left wrist. Coach Hobo? Tyler Palko? I'm not ready to take this thing off just yet. Give us one more week to hope guys, just one more week. Especially with the potential for the Upset of a Lifetime on tap next Sunday.

Go Bills, Go Packers, Go Bears, and Go Chiefs. This season isn't over yet. It's not over yet ...

no dan, you're the travesty

2011-12-09T11:47:00.000-06:00

About seven years ago, in my main fantasy football league, a proposal was made (and sadly approved) to allow the commissioner to have the power to review and, if he deemed it proper, to reject proposed trades made between two teams.

To say this proposal drew my full fledged ire and anger, is an understatement.

I HATE the idea of trade protests, let alone handing someone permission to veto a trade. It's insane. The commissioner doesn't own my team. He didn't pay my entry fee. He doesn't have final say over my roster. He doesn't draft my team. I do all that. I own my team. I pay my entry fee. I have total and complete final say over the roster I field every week. (Cue every other owner in the 2 Legit 2 Colquitt League wildly applauding that last sentence.)

And yet, because of trade protests and trade vetoes, I don't have total and complete control over my team. It infuriates me to this day, even if the commish (in this league, that's "The Voice of Reason") has never once exercised his veto power as commissioner.

(Yet another reason why he's designated as "The Voice of Reason" -- he gets it. It's my team, not his. If I want to screw myself, just stay out of the way and let it happen).

Let me toss out a "case in point" here, of a trade that was protested six years ago, and that set off a string of obscene, hate-filled emails that amazingly didn't get me banned from the league by my fellow owners.

I made a trade with my most hated rival, Sebree, after week four of the 2005 season. I was sitting at 1-3, in desperate need of a jumpstart to the season. Sebree was at 3-1, and ironically enough, we were facing each other that week. I sent Sebree RB Cadillac Williams from the Bucs, for essentially the Chiefs backup running back at that point, Larry Johnson. There were a few other peripheral players thrown in, but in essense, we were swapping running backs. And immediately, the peanut gallery owners began protesting.

"Steve's tanking his season!" OK, first of all, anyone who knows me knows that I don't believe in tanking, whether that be in real life sporting situations, or fantasy football. You play to win. Especially in WEEK FOUR!

"Steve's lost his mind, trading a Pro Bowler for a backup!" I had my reasons for making this deal, and they were three fold:

1. I had to shake up my roster. 1-3 and facing the division leader is not a recipe for success.
2. Johnson had become the Chiefs go-to guy at the goalline. Plus, I (sadly) was wagering on Priest Holmes, the starter for the Chiefs back then, getting hurt at some point, and Johnson taking over the featured role.
3. Cadillac Williams had a long injury history. The odds of him staying healthy were slim and none, and I was wagering on none.

"Steve's handing the division to Sebree with this trade!" I mean, sweet Jesus, of ALL the reasons for filing a protest, this one made the least amount of sense. Sebree and I's rivalry isn't confined to the fantasy football field -- we legitimately despise each other in real life as well. There are people in my league that I'd have no issues with seeing win ahead of me, if my team couldn't come out on top. Sebree is most assuredly NOT one of those people.

So what happened? The commish (correctly) ignored the protests and allowed the trade to go through. (Note: I might have tossed in some financial considerations to the commish to make this happen. I might not have. I genuinely don't remember if I bribed him or not. If I had to guess? I'd bet on at least a $20 and a six pack of something changing hands. But that's just speculation and rumor.)

And EVERY damned reason that I made the trade, proved to be valid. team tito version 1.0 went out and won that week against Sebree. Cadillac Williams? Blew out his knee that very week, and has never recovered from that injury. Priest Holmes? Suffered essentially a career-ending injury two weeks later. Larry Johnson? Went on to post the most epic 25 week run at the position the Chiefs have ever seen. And team tito version 1.0? Closed 7-3 with Johnson as my franchise player, to win the division ... and then the following season posted the best record in the league at 12-2, with Larry Johnson posting 25 point games every week.

A trade that was ripped by nearly every other owner, that nearly every other owner demanded be vetoed, forever changed the course of team tito version 1.0's franchise history. Prior to that trade, I had made the playoffs exactly once in eight seasons of play. In the six seasons since that trade? I've made it to the playoffs five times, won four division titles, and now in season seven, I am still somehow mathematically alive for the playoffs at 6-7 despite having the second lowest scoring roster in the league. (It's a long shot to make it, I basically need about four other teams to lose ... but still. Mathematically alive, after starting 1-5.)

(Oh, and against Sebree? 2-0! F*ck you dude.)

I make this long winded point, for two reasons.

1. I HATE trade protests, trade vetoes, basically any outside interference in how I run my team. Its insanity at its finest. The idea that a grown adult is too stupid to manage a freaking fantasy team, and needs some caretaker to oversee him, is insulting. And

2. Its even more insulting in real life.

Last night, the Lakers, Rockets, and Hornets completed a three team trade that would have sent Chris Paul to the Lakers, Pau Gasol to the Rockets, and Lamar Odom and Kevin Martin to the Hornets, along with various other considerations, such as draft picks and cash. I use the words "would have", because a few whiny, bitchy, malcontent owners complained to Commissioner Stern that (waa!) the Lakers were adding a superstar, so (waa!) he should overturn the trade.

Incredibly enough ... he did.

It's the highest level of insult imaginable. Not just to the people who run the Lakers, Rockets, and Hornets (all of whom are competent, capable GMs), not just to the players involved in the transaction, but most of all, to me, and people like me -- the FANS of this sport.

I don't give a damn about the Rockets at all. I had a roommate for one semester in college who was from Houston and a huge Rockets fan. Other than that semester? Haven't thought about the Rockets in fifteen years. I don't give a damn about the Hornets, outside of the hope that they'll move to Kansas City next summer. And even then, I don't really care all that much -- I'd settle for the Kings, the Bobcats, or an expansion team, I just want a NBA team calling the Sprint Centre home come September 2012.

And as for the Lakers? I despise them. They're the tim tebows of the basketball world to me -- they disgust me, they make me want to hurl empty beer cans at the TV ... but I can't turn away, because they're so damned entertaining to watch. And adding Chris Paul? Would have made them that much more enjoyable to watch.

(To say nothing of the wasted opportunity of having a Kardashian sister living in the French Quarter! Oh sweet Jesus, what a wasted opportunity! Can you imagine the bead earning potential come Fat Tuesday for that train wreck of a family?)

Last night, the reason for the veto was leaked, and not surprisingly, the lead owner in protesting this trade was the biggest ass walking the planet, Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. Below is the text of his email to Commissioner Stern, as reported by Yahoo! sports, and honestly? This thing is so outrageous, I'm breaking it down Steve-style. (For those unfamiliar with Steve-style breakdowns, I put the original text in italics, and my response appears in normal font.)

(OK, fine, Pete King of Sports Illustrated is the biggest ass walking the planet. But Dan Gilbert's a damned close second.)

Commissioner,

sk: classy opening there Danny boy. Can't even say Dave's name.

It would be a travesty to allow the Lakers to acquire Chris Paul in the apparent trade being discussed.

sk: how? How was the proposed trade a travesty? Furthermore, while certainly you are entitled to an opinion, who the hell are you, Dan Gilbert, owner of a team so sh*tty last year that it owned the number one pick in the draft, who the hell are you to comment on what transactions count as a "travesty"? You traded for Baron Davis for Christ's sake. THAT was a travesty.

This trade should go to a vote of the 29 owners of the Hornets.

sk: and if it did, any sane owner would vote "yes" on the deal. I'm guessing Ol' Danny Boy is the only retard in the room who'd vote no. Well, scratch that -- anytime Don Sterling is in the room, the retard quotient doubles.

Over the next three seasons, this deal would save the Lakers approximately $20 million in salaries and approximately $21 million in luxury taxes.

sk: and your point is? What, jealous that another franchise is making smart moves, as opposed to trading for Baron Davis, Danny Boy? I mean, sweet Jesus, how can any Cavs fan be anything but abjectly embarrassed by their owner?

That $21 million goes to non-tax paying teams and to fund revenue sharing.

sk: aha, now we get to why Ol' Danny Boy opposes this deal. He's going to lose a couple million over the next three years of the LAKERS money rolling into his checking account. What a cunt.

I cannot remember ever seeing a trade where a team got by far the best player in the trade and saved over $40 million in the process.

sk: whoa, back the Brinks truck up, Danny Boy. First of all, I'd rather have Pau Gasol than Chris Paul. I might be in the minority, but I'd MUCH rather have Gasol. You can always find a serviceable point guard who can post 10 assists a night and have a 2:1 assist to turnover ratio. (Well, unless you're KU and you start Tyshawn Taylor, then you can ignore that thought.) The odds of you finding a seven footer who shoots 55 percent from the floor, and has 25 foot range? You can count on about three fingers the number of guys who can do that right now, and two of those fingers are owned by guys named Gasol. (I'd also lump Paul Pierce into that grouping). To claim that the Lakers got "by far" the best player, wow. No wonder the Cavs suck balls.

And again, he's upset at the Lakers saving money! Here's a thought Danny Boy -- do you REALLY think the Lakers are trading for Chris Paul unless they plan to sign him to an extension? Do you really think they're trading one of the 12-15 best players in the world to rent Chris Paul for 66 games? Come on. Not even I'm this stupid. I guaran-damn-tee you a 5 year, $100 million max-contract extension would have been signed come 1pm CT today if this trade had gone through. And Danny Boy? That's the $20 million per year the Lakers just "saved" on Gasol's salary, PLUS they're right back into paying the $21 million in luxury taxes. Oy, let's move on before I start bashing my head against the wall.

And it doesn't appear they would give up any draft picks, which might allow them to later make a trade for Dwight Howard.

sk: my God, what an outrage! A team making itself better by dealing draft picks and players for better players! Christ, that never happens! I mean, Danny Boy, your team never dealt draft picks for Antawn Jamison, Mo Williams, and other assorted flotsam and jetsom in an attempt to field a championship team around LeBron James, did you? What's that, you did? Oh, my bad. I swear, I don't know Dan Gilbert from a corpse, and I'm really growing to HATE this deuschebag.

They would also get a large trade exemption that would help them improve their team and/or eventually trade for Howard.

sk: what, like the "large trade exemption" YOU got when losing LeBron last summer? A trade exemption YOU are free to use at any time, you know, if you weren't such a tight ass sadist and actually gave a damn about improving your team, as opposed to being the Frank McCourt of the NBA, and bilking every cent out of your team that you can?

Furthermore, who the hell is Dan Gilbert to tell the Lakers what they can and cannot do? Danny Boy, step back for a minute and view this logically, which granted is something you are completely incapable of doing, but work with me here. Let's say the Lakers add both Chris Paul and Dwight Howard. Let's say the Knicks add Deron Williams, let's say the Celtics keep the Core Four together, let's say the Spurs, Mavs, and Heat remain championship contenders. Let me ask you this Danny Boy -- is ABC / ESPN, TNT, and FOX Sports going to pay MORE ... or LESS ... for the privilege of broadcasting 8-10 loaded championship contenders? And if the answer is "MORE" (which it is), are you going to get MORE or LESS money from those contracts and the revenue sharing plan enacted in this new CBA? And if the answer to that is "MORE" (which it is), then (stevo screaming voice) WHY THE HELL ARE YOU BITCHING ABOUT THIS PROPOSED TRADE, AND ABOUT A TRADE THAT NOBODY THINKS IS GOING TO HAPPEN BECAUSE DWIGHT HOWARD WANTS TO GO TO NEW JERSEY!?!?!?!?!?!

My God, anyone who says owners are the smartest people in the room at a negotiating session, obviously has never met, read, or otherwise interacted with Danny Boy Gilbert.

When the Lakers got Pau Gasol (at the time considered a lopsided trade), they took on tens of millions in additional salary and luxury tax and they gave up a number of prospects (one in Marc Gasol who may become a max player).

sk: again, with the "luxury tax". Dan Gilbert is a piece of shit who is only in this for the cash. Which is fine -- the world needs greedy pieces of shit for the global economy to properly function. But the sports world sure as all hell doesn't need them.

And also, as Danny Boy himself writes -- the Gasol trade was considered lopsided at the time. NOBODY is saying it is lopsided today. NOBODY. Go back to how I opened this rapidly disintegrating post, how you can't judge a trade the day its made, you have to judge it with the benefit of hindsight, and give the trade participants the benefit of the doubt.

I just don't see how we can allow this trade to happen.

sk: I just don't see how you were successful enough in life to purchase a NBA franchise. Thank GOD I'm not a Cavs fan. I'd light my hoodie on fire if I was.

I know the vast majority of owners feel the same way I do.

sk: how? How do you know that, Danny Boy? You wanted to take a vote of the 29 owners. That vote didn't occur. How do you know they oppose this trade? Furthermore, the owners approved the CBA yesterday 24-5 (25-5 counting the Hornets "vote"). CLEARLY, ownership doesn't have a problem with super-teams being created, as the new CBA specifically allows it to happen in the first two years of said CBA. A couple more sentences, and Ol' Pete King might be off the hook as the biggest ass walking the planet.

When will we just change the name of 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals?

sk: when are you going to stop being a clueless asshat who seeks to interfere with other teams' business? When are you going to spend some of this luxury tax money you're pocketing and actually use it to improve your roster? When are you going to get over the fact that LeBron James looked at how cluelessly you run your team, and said "hell no" to sticking around? We all get jilted by someone in life at some point in time, Danny Boy. GET. OVER. IT.

Please advise, Dan G.

sk: yes, please advise Dan. Please advise your fans when you intend to upgrade the roster, when you plan to use that max trade exemption you're sitting on to bring in someone with talent, when you plan on spending the luxury tax money you're stealing. When you plan on getting a f*cking clue and doing what any person with an ounce of common sense that owns a team does -- hire a rock solid GM, give him money to spend, and then get the hell out of the way.

If the NBA doesn't allow this trade to go through, it's a TRAVESTY, to use Danny Boy's own words. My team might not be the biggest spender in the market -- its far from it. I'm planning to head up to Milwaukee in a few weeks to watch the Bucks play, either January 28th against the Lakers, or February 11th against the Magic. The Bucks will be underdogs both nights (provided Dwight Howard is still in a Magic uniform). And you know what? They absolutely can beat both of those teams. Because while Brandon Jennings might not be Chris Paul, and Andrew Bogut might not be Pau Gasol, and yes, the thought of cheering for a Dunleavy scares the shit out of me, the NBA is fun. It's funner when you have a villian to root against.

There's a reason why baseball's ratings are as high as they've ever been. Love them or hate them, everyone in the sport benefits when the Yankees and Red Sox are good. There's a reason why football's ratings are as high as they've ever been. Love them or hate them, everyone in the sport benefits when the Steelers and Packers are good. And there's a reason why the NBA's ratings achieved record highs last spring. Because love them or hate them, the Heat reaching the Finals benefits the entire sport. The Lakers posting the best regular season record? Benefits the entire sport.

That's what short-looking folks like Dan Gilbert don't get. It's what the NBA owners didn't get until it was nearly too late. If you want to grow the sport? Give the casual fan a reason to tune in. My dad is your definition of a "casual fan". Actually scrap that -- my dad hates the NBA. He likes college ball, but hates the NBA. Guess who watched every second of the Finals last June? My dad. Because he wanted to see what all the hate about the Heat was about. Many other people were the same way.

Fans like me? Tune in for every second of 40 Days in 40 Nights, we order the League Pass, and schedule a Tuesday evening around whatever the Fan Vote Game is on NBA TV. Its not fans like me this trade screws. Its the fans who the sport drug in last spring during the incredible postseason. If owners like Dan Gilbert get their way, and this trade doesn't get completed? Kiss those fans goodbye. Kiss the added revenue those fans attending a game or three might bring in. Kiss the added revenue increased TV ratings would bring in.

All because Danny Boy, and a few others like him, are upset that the Lakers are making a smart trade -- acquiring a good player, shedding salary, getting below the luxury tax threshold. Upset that the Rockets are making a great trade, adding a top 15 player that immediately makes them a sleeper threat to roll through the Western bracket come May, ala the Mavs last year. Upset that the Hornets got 80 cents on the dollar for a player leaving in 66 games.

I HATE trade protests. The proposed Chris Paul deal? Is EXACTLY why I hate them. Right down to a whiny bitch of an owner thinking he knows better than the parties involved how to run THEIR team, while his own team is so poorly run that it can't even win 22% of the games it played last year ...

chuck weis? really? chuck weis?

2011-12-09T09:52:00.000-06:00

I am all for teams I don't care about making stupid hirings.

For example, I whole-heartedly endorsed MU hiring Frank Haith as its basketball coach. Frank Haith has as much qualification to be a D1 basketball coach as I do -- he's inept, he's incompetent, he's at best a mediocre recruiter, and he certainly would make any fan of a program that hired him pause for a moment, and then scream "THEY HIRED HIM!?!?!?!" in response to said hiring.

Yesterday, the college football team I root for, that until the awful Turner Gill hire I had season tickets for, hired Chuck Weis to run its program. Let that sink in -- a FBS level school, in a BCS conference, hired the man who roo-eened Notre Dame football to "turn its program around".

Which would make sense ... if KU was still Mark Mangino-era good. Because the only turning Chuck Weis is going to do, is of a negative kind. I'm not sure how you can do worse than 1-24 in your last 25 conference games ... but if anyone can do it, its Chuck Weis.

(Actually, I need to correct that last paragraph -- Chuck Weis is going to cause some turning. Of Don Fambrough in his grave.)

I'm sick. I'm disgusted. I'm infuriated that the best KU can do in replacing Turner Gill, a man "affectionately" known on this site as Coach Cornf*cker, I'm infuriated that the best we can apparently do in replacing Turner Gill, is to hire a man who destroyed one of, if not the, most prominently known D1 programs in America.

This hire is Steve Rule 34 at its finest.

You know, Steve Rule 34. "Anytime you make a decision, and find that the reaction to that decision is that people say "you'd have to be mentally retarded or named Steve to have done that!", just assume you've f*cked up". Well, last time I checked, my name is Steve, and I think this is a mentally retarded decision ... so its DEFINITELY retarded.

This is a screw-up worse than hiring Turner Gill, worse than entrusting the program to Mike Gottfried, even worse than allowing Glen Mason to come back after he accepted the Georgia job in 1995. This one trumps them all.

Because we ALL know going in how this is going to end. And it's not going to end well.

This is the equivalent of Scott Pioli firing Todd Haley in a month to hire Josh McDaniels. (And yes, I am fully aware that is a 50/50 prop bet right now. Please, don't remind me.)

This is the equivalent of firing Mark Mangino for a coach who was 20-30 at Buffalo, and handing him a $10 million guaranteed contract for his "achievements" to date. Not the Bills -- the University of Buffalo. (Wait, KU did that last time? Jesus f*cking Christ.)

To compare this to how utterly retarded it truly is, this is the equivalent of an owner meeting with his head coach after a 4-12 season, emerging from said meeting, and then announcing at a press conference regarding his head coach that "well, he didn't quit, and I didn't fire him, so I guess he'll be back". (Note: if you ever wonder why the Detroit Lions are the worst franchise in the NFL, look no further than their ownership. The previous quote was actually stated by Lions owner William Clay Ford regarding his head coach at the time, Wayne Fontes.

I got a text at about 10:40 last night from "The Voice of Reason" (who, to his credit, hates this hire even more than I do, and I just invoked Steve Rule 34 in arguing against it), noting that "well, he might be able to get Jim Leavitt as DC". Here's a hint, Sheahon Zenger and whatever the f*ck consulting firm you used to make this insane hire: when the BEST argument in favor of the hire is who said coach's coordinators might be? You have SERIOUSLY f*cked the pooch. Christ, we're beyond f*cking said pooch, we're into anal territory at this point.

This is the single most stupid, retarded, indefensible thing a KU AD has ever done for one of the two major programs. (Three if you count baseball). Terry Allen, Turner Gill, Mike Gottfried, firing Mark Mangino, firing Don Fambrough twice, hiring Ted Owens, all more defensible than this. Hell, hiring Al Bohl to run the entire athletic department is more defensible than this -- at least Al Bohl had the presence of mind to hire Pat Hill at Fresno State.

Pat Hill -- he's still available. God forbid we hire a f*cking coach who coaches UP his team, as opposed to someone who rides his predecessor's recruits for two years, and then when his kids arrive, the thing craters to 3-9, 5-7, and 6-6.

I defy anyone reading this to defend this hire. Because outside of getting one day of national publicity, all of which is basically "they hired who?!?!" howls of laughter, what possible justification is there for this? What, Mike's Montana Steakhouse's buffet line was missing a jolly fat man every Tuesday night cleaning them out? Joe College had a surplus of "Our Coach is Phat" or "Our Coach Beat Anorexia" t-shirts still to hawk off in violation of a court order? This is the single worst possible outcome from the coaching search, save for re-hiring Turner Gill. And honestly? I'd rather have Gill than Weis. How ridiculous is that, that a KU fan can honestly type "I'd rather have Turner Gill than Chuck Weis as my head coach", and mean it?

There will be KU fans who will preach patience, who will say "give it a chance". To which I reply, unedited: bullshit. There's no need to "give this a chance", because we all know how this will end. Probably three years from now, with another multi-million dollar buyout, after winning what, 2 or 3 conference games in those three years? I'll give Chuckie this -- he probably won't lose to North Dakota State. But he sure as all hell won't beat Georgia Tech, like Turner Gill did in his second game. Or Virginia Tech, like Mark Mangino did in the biggest bowl game KU has ever played.

Or Texas Tech, as Terry Allen did two of the three times he faced them.

If this is the best Sheahon Zenger can do ... its time to buy him out as well. Because if this is his best, it's not good enough. It's not even close. I've felt a lot of things as a KU football fan over the years. Anger. Rage. One brief bit of ecstasy in 2007. One really happy moment rushing the field after the "Sur"render of a lifetime that fall.

Today? I feel nothing but embarrassment. In three short years, KU has gone from the Orange Bowl, to hitting its knees in a pathetic attempt to recruit the man who destroyed Irish football to take the job. Embarrassment. I'm guessing the colors of that word are crimson and blue ...

chiefs! steelers! so awful i missed every second of it ...

2011-11-28T19:34:00.000-06:00

Well, I’ve been joking about it for years … but the joke’s on me (and you), because yesterday proved beyond the shadow of any and all doubt that I am, indeed, allergic to cold weather. That merely being in sub-60 temperatures makes me sick. So sick … that the unthinkable happens, and I sell off my ticket to the biggest game of the season (it’s do or die), and head back to crash on a couch, and sleep through the contest. Damn you, Old Man Winter!!!

There won’t be a recap for the Chiefs / Steelers “Sunday Night Football” showdown … because I don’t have one to offer you.

I left my brother’s house about 10am Saturday morning, after crashing there because we celebrated his birthday the night before, as only we can: at the classy, and man do I use that term loosely, classy Red Balloon. Let’s just say, I was in no shape to drive.*

(*: there also is a hilarious morning-after story involving my brother and his buddy Chris, a “case of mistaken identity” on one of their parts, but that’s for another time. Glad to see the old Chris back and in effect!)

By 5pm Saturday, I was in no shape to do anything. I laid down for a quick power nap before I had planned to head to Tyler’s birthday bash at McFadden’s Saturday night. I laid down at about 5:30pm. I didn’t move until 10:15 the next morning, and I felt worse than I had before a 17 hour “power nap”. I know the only reason I actually woke up was because I left the lights on before said “power nap”, and I need darkness to sleep. If it weren’t for that, I might still be snoring. Still, I’m a trooper, I can do this, I kept telling myself.

After forcing myself to clean up, I hopped in the shower and cranked that bastard up as hot as I could stand it … and it worked. For a little while. I deluded myself into thinking “ok, that did the trick”.* By the time I got to Russ and Mona’s to start loading up 30 minutes later, I could barely keep my eyes open. I literally slept the entire time we were at the gates, except to get up and puke. I emerged from Katie’s Jeep for only three reasons: to welcome “The Voice of Reason”, to welcome his dad, and you guessed it, to puke.** By 5:30 I was gonzo, snoring on the front seat. I gave my ticket to Anthony to try to get something for it (good job getting nearly face champ!), and Katie took me back to Russ and Mona’s, where my plan was to grab my keys, grab my overnight stuff (I’d planned on crashing there, figuring I’d be too hammered at 1am to try to drive home), and drive home to pass out.

(*: funniest moment: I sit down in Russ’ chair to try to watch the Jets game, and close my eyes. I wasn’t dozing, but I looked passed out apparently, because three different people at some point walked by and said “wow, Stevo started pregaming early today!” I hate to say this … but most of the time, in that situation, they’d have had a valid point. Maybe I need to quit drinking. (stevo thinking it over) Nah, my liver’s still got six, maybe seven more quality years in it. Besides, who else’s alcohol addiction would you have to make fun of if not for me? And for the record, and it is currently 7:22pm CT on Monday as I type this sentence, I have not had a drop of alcohol since about 1am Saturday morning. Maybe that’s why I’m so sick …)

(**: there was one tailgater there yesterday who kept hopping in the back seat of the Jeep as I was attempting to sleep it off and still make kickoff. Her reason for hopping in? To talk non-stop and smoke a joint or four. Look it, I love weed, but for f*ck’s sake, when I can’t even hold down a bottle of water (the only thing I attempted to have yesterday, and I failed within 30 seconds), I sure as all hell cannot tolerate you blowing smoke in my face. As she noted at my not coming unhinged at her: “you’re real laid back. You seem like a really cool dude.” Well, ok, she nailed both of those things, but come on chica, we’re a smoker friendly tailgate! Go outside and do your business. Especially when I’m shaking from the flu, despite having on 5 sweatshirts, 3 pairs of pants, a seat warmer, and the heat cranked to full blast.)

Did I mention I couldn’t stop puking? I did? Well, fine then. But I really couldn’t stop puking. It was so bad, I couldn’t even keep the Alka Seltzer cold and flu pills down, just a sniff of them and I was up-chucking. Figuring I had no intentions of roo-eening the inside of my car with the lovely smell of whatever the hell was wrong with me, I instead walked down the steps to the basement, grabbed every comforter out of the overnight closet, grabbed two pillows, and created a virtual bearcave down there. I had chills, I was so cold at tailgating from whatever the hell I’m suffering from (and it really wasn’t that bad out there yesterday, all things considered. Normally, I’d have joined in the raucous beer pong games going on at least once, instead of cranking up the heated seat and the heater as high as I could stand it half the time, and to a toasty comfortably level the other half). In their basement? Which I love to sleep in because it’s 60 freaking degrees down there at night? Under those comforters it felt like a sauna. I slept from about 6:30pm until 7am this morning, when amazingly my phone alarm went off. (I can’t believe I remembered to set it).

I trooped it out at work today, but was finally ordered to go home by my boss under the “I can’t afford to lose everyone for month end” theory that I was praying he’d invoke (saving me a PTO day).

So I apologize for no recap. I can’t recap what I haven’t seen, and have no motivation to screen. If someone who actually made it inside and stuck around wants to recap it, I’ll be happy to post your thoughts instead of mine.

But allow me to say this: if that’s how this season craps out? I’m ok with it. Nobody was higher (or perhaps just more high) than me on this team in August. Nobody was more euphoric walking out on Halloween night than me. And if that’s the high point of this season? I’m ok with it.

Because what I kept noting last year, applies even more so this year. This team, right now, in its current roster status? Is the WORST we are going to be for the next four, five, six years.

Our quarterback situation will only get better. Ditto our depth at running back, offensive line, the receiving corps, pick a spot on defense. (I think we’re set for a few years at specialists.)

Yeah, this season has crashed off the tracks, and it kills me, I mean, it hurts me more than my entire body is aching right now from the flu, it is killing me that the two teams I hate more than any other in sports*, one of them is winning the division, and the other one is probably screwing the Jets out of a wildcard via tiebreaker (they both beat the Jets). It sucks.

(*: this is a half-truth – I still hate the jordan era bulls pretty badly.)

But not half as much as this flu bug sucks. (stevo calling his local cvs to finally get over his irrational fear of needles and get a flu shot …)

the chiefs pats pick

2011-11-21T10:02:00.000-06:00

“You knock my socks off” – Harriet to Matt, in my favorite “Studio 60” scene. I fear, like Studio 60, that the 2011 Chiefs are destined to an earlier-than-should-have-been demise. I remain optimistic that, like Studio 60 after this “honestly in the rotation for greatest hour of television ever” episode, this season is going to have a few “knock your socks off” moments left in it …

------------------------------

There is not one legitimate reason to predict the Chiefs to win this football game. And just in case anyone reading this concludes “sweet Jesus, Stevo has officially lost all touch with common sense and reality!!!”, I am not predicting the Chiefs to win this game tonight.

My official pick: at Patriots 30, Chiefs (+14 ½) 27, on an overtime Gronkowski field goal.

But we CAN win this game. To be honest? In my gut, I think we ARE winning this game. But I want to taste the lasagna Wednesday, the turkey Thursday, and gamble on Friday at the Argosy, so I’m going to say “yeah, Pats win”, so that some well-intentioned soul doesn’t call Charter or Two Rivers or some other psychiatric ward to commit me at least two weeks too soon.

History, of which I have a minor in (yay $32,000 a year at the time!), especially sports history, is full of moments when a team with no business winning, a team that is multiple touchdown underdogs, somehow pulls off the “impossible”, and not only covers, but wins the game outright. (Cue Ol’ Pete King “no, favorites always win!!!!” look of shock and denial.) Hell, the whole reason I am able to compose and post this column today? Is because the second or third biggest underdogs in history (sorry, “untamed Lions vs Christians” is still number one), looked at the odds facing them in 1776, and said “screw it”, and signed their names as largely and loudly as they could onto a piece of paper. (Cue Ol’ Pete King “no, favorites always win!!!!” look of shock and denial.)

And when it comes to the Chiefs and Patriots, well, these contests are ALWAYS closer than they should be on paper.

(Side note: my favorite comment of the week, at ArrowheadPride.com, was when Joel Thorman posted the “how can the Chiefs win this game?” post, and one fan noted “well, we could send our SS (strong safety) to take out the Pats’ QB’s knee!”, an option I have no problems endorsing for a second time (Bernard Pollard ended Tom Brady’s season in week 1 of 2008 by doing that). But the comment that had me laughing, was the follow-up one liner: “no, we need the Pats’ QB to take out our SS’s knee!” Sabby Piscatelli everybody! Christ, he’s eight levels of awful. I mean, if there’s only eight layers of hell (according to Dante), doesn’t Sabby all but ensure there has to be a ninth, if not a thirteenth? Because seeing 42 on the field literally makes me want to hurl. I never thought anyone could challenge Bill Bartee for “Stevo’s Most Hated Chiefs Player Ever” … but Sabby’s damned close.)

In 2008, an awful Chiefs squad went to Foxboro to open the season as a 16 point underdog … and lost on the last play of the game, 17-10.

In 2005, two really good squads faced off at Arrowhead the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and it was possibly (ok, not even remotely*) the last great victory of the Vermeil years. “Cut” Greg Wesley picked off Tom Brady three times. The Chiefs won 26-16. This was the game when Jared Allen joined us for some post-game tailgating in the pimp white cowboy outfit, and the blue convertible with the longhorns on the hood. Stalker Lady showed up. Eventually parking lot maintenance forcibly evicted us, we tailgated so long afterwards. Oh, and this occurred:

(stevo) (goes into port-a-potty)

(stevo) (hurls on smelling inside of port-a-potty)

(stevo) (finally manages to pee)

(stevo) (walks out)

(chick waiting for port-a-potty) how drunk are you, d*ckhead! To ruin the pot for the rest of us!

(stevo) (actually sober and now p*ssed off) Yeah? You step inside and tell me I caused that!

(chick) (opens door)

(chick) sorry. That’s awful!

(stevo) good luck holding it down, b*tch!

(dude with chick) Did you just call my girl a b*tch?

(stevo) uuh, no .. I said chick. Chick!

(dude with chick) oh, ok …

(*: THE high point of the Vermeil years, was seven days later. “The Stand”. Excuse me, “The Stand”!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCREW YOU denver! SCREW YOU!!!! Oh, and mike? How’s that post-elway career going? Another loss? Shocking! My God, I hate the denver broncos …)

In 2004, an awful Chiefs squad hosted the Pats on a late November Monday night … and lost inside the last two minutes, 27-19.

In 2002, a mediocre Chiefs squad went to New England as a 15 point underdog … and lost in overtime, 41-38.

In 2000, two awful squads faced off at Foxboro on an early December Monday night … and the Pats won when the Chiefs final pass was intercepted in the end zone, 30-24 final.

Almost a year earlier, on a perfect early October Sunday afternoon at Arrowhead (I think I still am sunburned from how perfect that day was), the Chiefs led the Patriots 16-14 with :02 left. I’m sure you’re thinking “ballgame”. Yes, it should have been … for the Patriots. As Adam Vinatieri lined up for a 22 yard field goal into the east end zone, with that :02 left. I was sitting in 109 that day with my buddy Jasson*, and to say I was bracing for the defeat, is an understatement. I started chugging every last drop remaining in the flask, grabbed my t-shirt and DT jersey**, and was ready to storm out in anger.

(*: “The Ex” honestly thought that’s how you spelled Jason’s name, “Jasson”, until a couple weeks ago. Three years of thinking Randy and Linda were too stupid to figure out how to spell Jason on the birth certificate. In her defense …)

(**: I used to wear a jersey to every home game, up until four years ago, when I realized, “wait a second” … in 99 I wore DT’s jersey. He died. Wore it for a couple years after that, then wore Shaun Barber’s jersey when we signed him in 03. He sucked. Then switched to DJ in 05 … and we pissed away a gimme wildcard berth. Never again. Never again.)

Anyways, my perfect early October afternoon, pushing 80 degrees (the official game recap at nfl.com notes it was 79 degrees, 8 mph wind, with 78 % humidity, sweet Jesus, can we get that for Sunday night? Please?), anyways, the Pats lined up for a glorified extra point to win the game.

And Vinatieri shanked it.

Chiefs win!

Even the blowouts are memorable – in 1998, when we lost 42-14 in Foxboro, it was the infamous “Whitlock suspended two weeks without pay” game, as (at the time) KC Star columnist Jason Whitlock simply stated the obvious on a sign he held up in the press box that (sadly) the CBS cameras caught: “Bledsoe gay? Pats Suck!” I love biased commentators.

My long-winded point is this, and it’s three pointed:

1. The Patriots aren’t as good as you think they are.

2. Tyler Palko isn’t as sh*tty as you fear he is. And

3. If ANYONE in this league can rally this team, in this spot, to deliver the performance of a lifetime, it’s a man I once “affectionately” dubbed “Coach Asshat”.

As wrong as I (might have been, the jury’s still out) about Coach Herm? I was even more (no doubt about it) wrong about “Coach Asshat”. God bless it, I freaking love Todd Haley. Screw it, I LOVE Todd Haley. I have a man crush the size of Australia on that guy. I have rarely if ever been more wrong in my initial read on a person. If ANYONE is going to have a two touchdown underdog prepped for war tonight, it’s Todd Haley.

Coach will have his boys ready to fight. So tonight, if you’re watching from a couch in WyCo, a bar in Waldo, pacing the floor in Raytown (hey, that’s me!), or rubbing in the upset of a lifetime in beautiful Gering, Nebraska, make some noise. Believe in this team. Do they deserve that belief, that trust? Probably not.

But what the hell.

Next week is the fail-safe, Chiefs fans. Win or lose tonight, next Sunday is the line in the sand. And I hope and trust each and every one of you will be out there to play some beer pong come 5pm next Sunday night. (Or, if I get my way, “vodka tonic pong”).

Until then, enjoy this week. My “favorite post of the year” is coming at some point later this week, and man, does this thing keep getting longer every year. Which is a very good thing. Eat some turkey, or (in my family’s case) eat some lasagna, plow through the Franzia and cheesecake, and …

You know what? Screw it.

Chiefs (+14 ½) 30, at Patriots 27, on a 29 yard Ryan “Mr. Irrelevant” Succup field goal as time expires. I still believe in this team. When this game ends, I hope they give you a reason to push the chips to the middle of the table, push the chair back, stand up, pull the sunglasses down, and say “gentlemen, I’m all in”. Or at least an excuse to show up next Sunday night, as for the first time since my 21st birthday, the NBC crew is in town to broadcast a game. (And no matter WHAT happens, it cannot POSSIBLY be worse than what happened that cold January day in 1998.)

Because playoff-caliber teams that switch to a no-name quarterback who’s never started a game before are screwed, right? No chance, right?

(looks across the sideline to see tonight’s opponent …)

Oh, wait a second. The 2001 Patriots did that. How’d that switch work out for them?

(cue Adam Vinatieri drilling a 47 yarder as time expires as the Superdome in arguably the greatest Super Bowl ever staged ...)