the fake mailbag 5.0

* "You feelin' ok?" -- numerous folks last week.

Yes, I am now. That was the worst bout of flu I've had in at least four years. I thought Monday I was just recovering from the Cowboys defeat. By Tuesday, I knew better. I didn't leave the bedroom from Wednesday night until Saturday afternoon.

But thankfully, much better now. (Whew).

* "Seriously, not drinking at bowling night? No wonder you opened with a 61!" -- Dusty J, Overland Park.

In my defense, you saw me, and you know my throwing motion. It literally hurt to walk down the steps, let alone to compose myself, take three steps, and twist that bad boy at a 6 degree angle at 17 miles per hour.

* "Ignore him, Dusty forgets his unfortunate night of margaritas from last season." -- Kellie B, Kansas City.

In his defense, if I'd had three pitchers before bowling, and a couple after I arrived, I'd forget every damned detail about the night as well. But he was right about one thing -- I can't bowl if I ain't drinkin'. We'll rectify that on Wednesday.

* "I know you're down on the show, but come on man, you HAVE to love the intro to 'The Cleveland Show'!" -- Brent S, Roeland Park.

Oh hell yes I do! Remember that whole rant I had last year about how the reason sitcoms have died is because they no longer have memorable theme songs? (I swear, its in there, near the 2/3 mark).

Well, someone at FOX listened to me. Because this theme song is just awesome. It takes the best of our childhood (psychadelic colors from the producers being strung out on God knows what, cheezy music, ridiculous rhymes), and just nails it. Absolutely nails it.

(And last week's episode was pretty damned good as well. I'm telling you, that bear grows on you ...)

* "No quarter year review? What the hell?" -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

One of the drawbacks to being sick. You don't feel like doing anything. However, I will simply say this: Todd Haley is in farther over his head at this point, than Gunther was. And unlike with Gun, I don't hold out hope for a turnaround.

Gun opened with a tough road loss, then won 9 out of 13 to put the Chiefs in position to win the division. Included in that 9 was a sweep of the two time defending world champion (thanks to circumventing the salary cap) denver broncos; a win in the Bay against our other hated rival; a win in Baltimore, a last second win over New England, a last second win over a Minnesota team that went 26-6 in 1998-1999; and a pole-axing of the Steelers. My way of saying ...

If Todd Haley wins three more games this year, I'll be shocked. And if Coach Haley ever wants me on his side, he damned well better have December 6th circled, highlighted, and marked with a "win or resign" memo on the calendar. I can forgive a rebuilding year. I can't forgive incompetence. Or losing to denver. Say what you want about Gun ... he NEVER lost to denver as a head coach.

* "Is it possible to have a ALCS game last less than five hours?" -- Phil S, Overland Park.

No. Which is why baseball is bleeding viewers faster than Obama is losing support for health care reform. Myself being one of them; if I wanted to watch a double switch every five minutes and managers second and triple guess themselves, I'd be a Cardinals fan and wear a "LaRussa is God" t-shirt.

* "We're almost a month and a half in. What's your TV viewing schedule look like?" -- Frank L, Dallas.

Actually, I gotta say, this year's crop of new shows has been pleasantly surprising. And my two favorite shows won't return to network TV until January! (And add to that, I'm really loving the promos for "V".) Good grief, what am I gonna trim from the TiVo rotation?

The five best new or "completely revamped" shows this fall:

5. "Melrose Place". Not gonna lie, I've been disappointed with it so far. But the last few weeks, you can tell they're just treading water until Amanda comes back, which I'm fine with. And there's enough decent new characters to keep me hooked for another month. But man, there's a few that need to go. Not a fan of Riley, at all. Not really a fan of Jonah either, but at least he might eventually be shockingly corruptable. (That, and I really liked Michael Rady in "Swingtown", so I'll give him a shot to grow on me). And please, more Michael Mancini! So far, a B-. With a shot to elevate rapidly if they play Emma off Amanda well.

4. "The Good Wife". I loved the pilot. And this show's been growing on me ever since. I just don't see how this show can last more than a year or two before you run out of places to take it. What happens once Chris Noth's DA gone bad character gets out of jail? He can't get his job back even if he wins the appeal. And you can't have Julianna Margolies' character go back to home life, that destroys the show. Still, I'll give it a while and see where it goes, its been solid so far.

3. "Modern Family". Best new comedy to hit the airwaves in a long, long time. Glad to see Ed O'Neill back in peak form. Dylan's song last week, "In the Moonlight", will have you crying from laughing so hard. Sadly, the Hulu link expires in two days, but just watch the whole episode instead when the clip expires -- its worth it for Shelley Long's "incident" at her ex's O'Neill's wedding.

2. "FlashForward". My favorite new show to hit the air since a little piece of heaven I like to call "Friday Night Lights". Well written, outstanding plotlines so far, and while I fear the premise can't last unless they establish a "Lost" type certified ending date ... I friggin love the premise and can't wait to see how it plays out. (Also gotta love Jack Davenport as the catalyst to everything so far, another "Swingtown" alumnus. Screw you CBS for cancelling that fine hour of television excellence).

But one show has stood out above all others ...

1. "90210". Holy crap, talk about a show that's done a 180 from last year. I don't know who they hauled in to write this thing, but thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Everything has clicked so far this year, even the annoying Teddy. Silver and Dixon hitting the rocks, and Dixon rebounding with a 30 year old who still can't resist the booty call even after she figures out he's 17 when his mom tells her. Nice. I needed a hookup or three like that back in the day.

Navid finally gets some, only Ade leaves him for Teddy because ... well, not really sure why, because Teddy annoys me. Love how Naomi still thinks Liam slept with Annie ... only he actually bagged her sister, who's stealing thousands upon thousands of dollars from her via this shady divorce. Love how dark Annie's gotten, can't wait to see how shady stalker Jasper drags her even deeper into the dark. And the sext, nice, good stuff. And anything with Silver, good God. That girl is so damned hot. I literally start drooling when she graces my TV screen with her presence. (Wait, did I just say that out loud?)

And how anyone within 5 years of my actual age can't get to about 7:10 CT every Tuesday, and hear the familiar "da da da da!" as a modern version of the "90210" theme song plays, and not smile, and remember the "hell yes, I'm Jim effing Walsh" smile, well, I don't know how you can't do that.

* "So you backed Hillary, and voted McCain. You admit that you despise Obama. Your thoughts on him at the nearly 10 month mark?" -- Damien J, Midtown.

Well, let's see. He claimed Afghanistan was the necessary war, but he won't fight it. (Although in his defense, I think he realizes he was wrong about Afghanistan, that its completely unwinnable, and he's trying to find a way out without looking like a liar). He rammed through the stimulus bill (which I supported), but hasn't spent 88% of the money yet, so forget job creation in 2009. He's bombing out on the civil rights issue of our generation (equality for gays), and he claims everyone who opposes him is racially motivated (which is utterly absurd).

He demands health care reform (good), but refuses to endorse the sole solution that can actually drive down costs (the public option). He for some reason refuses to condemn evil in the world (Iran, Syria, the PLO, Venezuela), unless its named ("barry gibb talk show" voice) J J J J Jimmy Carter! P P P P Peanut Farmer!

He makes an ass of himself in Copenhagen and tries to steal the Olympics in 2016, yet won't make an ass of himself and try to steal a World Cup in 2018 (so far at least). He'll drink beer with a cop who thinks before he acts, yet condemns a news network that employs the ultimate "spit out what you think regardless of the facts" journalist in Sean Hannity. (Wait, I got no complaints here).

Bottom line? He's an average, middle of the road President who hasn't screwed up something awful yet, but also hasn't left his mark. Smells like a C to me. I'm fine with a C. Nothing wrong with being average.

* "You're coming for a BuKCs game, right?" -- Brooke B, Milwaukee.

Yup, I'll be there January 30 for Miami. Reserve our spots at the Friday Night fish fry at either Rock Bottom or Lakefront anytime you want.

* "We're exactly one week from NBA Tipoff 2009! You gotta be pumped!" -- Drew K, Shawnee.

Buddy, as one of the three NBA addicts in this town (along with you and Brent), I am beyond pumped. I love all these "experts" picking the BuKCs to finish dead last in the East. Last time I checked, Charlotte still played in the East. Ditto Indiana. And Milwaukee actually gains players this year, in that we didn't have Redd after December 10th, we didn't have Bogut after mid January, and we gained Brandon Jennings. Yeah, losing Sessions (retarded decision not to match the Wolves offer for him) and trading Jefferson (smart move to get below the tax threshold) hurts, but again, its the Eastern Conference! Someone is getting in at 37-45 or worse. At least one team. Possibly four.

(NBA preview coming early next week).

* "No KU recap last week? What the hell?" -- Brian G, Quahog.

Yeah, I effed up on that. To be honest, I was going to do it Tuesday, only that's when my health went from bad to defcon 3. And at this point, I don't remember a lot about the ISU game, so we'll let it slide. Everyone is entitled to one do-over in life, right? I'll take my 1,015,269th on this one.

* "The 30 at 30 series, you like it?" -- Josh G, Los Angeles.

Yes. Its totally screwed up my Tuesdays at this point. And I couldn't be happier.

I watch "90210" live and I TiVo "NCIS" on the main TV. So I have to TiVo "30 at 30" in the bedroom. I recorded the first one figuring I'd fall asleep to it. Instead, I haven't shut my eyes before midnight on a Tuesday in a few weeks. This series is beyond riveting television.

The Colts band episode was epic. The USFL episode tonight looks amazing. But the Gretzky trade, that was as good an hour of television as I've watched since HBO's special on the 1980 US Hockey team, which is the gold medal winner of sports documentaries. I couldn't stop watching. I forget if it was Peter Berg (the director) or the Sports Guy (the producer) who noted this on their podcast, but its amazing that the rigging behind the scenes to get this deal to go down, to open up the Sun Belt and the Southwest to hockey, and to see it happen ... is the single biggest reason why the NHL is no longer relevant in the national landscape of sports. (Because outside of Dallas, Raleigh, and possibly San Jose, nobody in the Sun Belt or the Southwest gives a damn about hockey. Yet 40% of the franchises are located there, as a direct result of this trade).

Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. Gretzky puts LA on the map for hockey. A decade later, there's 12 teams south of the Mason Dixon line. Not even half of them are viable as franchises today. (Reason 1,009,928,105 why Gary Bettman is the worst commissioner in the history of organized sports).

* "What's the single biggest thing in sports that hacks you off?" -- Scott H, Liberty.

What, I'm limited to just one? I hate Bird Exemption in the NBA. I hate the fact that there's 12 teams in the Southern US, and only 6 in all of Canada, in hockey. I hate $9.75 vodka tonics at Arrowhead. I hate the idiot fans who buy into this "small market" garbage in baseball. (If you can't compete on a $75 million payroll, you have no business running a team. None.)

But my biggest hack off? Folks who knock the BCS. No, its not a perfect system. Hell, its probably not even a good one. But how can you not love what it delivers every week?

You want a playoff in college football? You've got one! Every week! Its the purest of all sports ideals: if you win, you advance. You survive. Every week is its own playoff. Sure, the "best" teams in the "best conferences" have a slight margin for error. Sometimes.

I love March Madness as much as anyone. But I love Fall Madness even more. Every damned game matters. Can't say that about college hoops. Or any other sport for that matter.

* "I liked the podcast! Way to post it 10 months late!" -- Chris N, Olathe.

Yeah, I liked it too. I'd like it better as a "free flowing conversation between friends that occasionally touches on mature subjects", but these things are harder than they look. For one thing, you can't f*ck up. You do, you start over, unless its a group deal and then you just go with the flow. I initially tried to do this to comment on the Cowboys game, only my irrational hatred of a certain Chiefs head coach kept shining through. So I figured I'd start with the picks and see where this goes.

OK, one final question, "90210" awaits in 22 minutes ...

* "What's your favorite website you're digging right now?" -- Brett H, Harrisonville.

Well, the usual suspects (Hulu, Facebook, "reputable singles site", my various fantasy football teams), but I came across one at work that I am absolutely addicted to.

Labelscar. As someone who spent every night this spring and summer walking past the destruction of Bannister Mall as I attempted to get in shape via the nightly walk / jog, this site just fascinated me.

Seriously, just spend 5 minutes searching this site, and tell me its not as addictive as Ashley's breakfast burritos, Dusty's chicken fajitas (the most underrated thing he cooks), or my vodka tonics poolside in mid July. There's even a case study on why every mall in Kansas City is bombing out, save for two.

And with that, the fake 'bag 5.0 is out. It wasn't funny, it wasn't provocative, but hopefully you'll check out some links and have a nice way to waste your next workday when you check this place out.