In the hopes that there's a heaven.
Every day I'm more confused,
As the saints turn into sinners.
All the heroes and legends, I knew as a child?
Have fallen to idols of clay.
And I feel this empty place inside --
So afraid, that I've lost my faith.
Show me the way!
Show me the way!
Take me tonight to the river?
And wash my illusion away!
And please show me the way ...
Show me the way!
Show me the way!
Bring me tonight to the mountain,
And take my confusion away!
And please show me the way ...
Show me the way!
Show me the way!
Give me the strength and the courage,
To believe I'll get there someday!
And please show me the way ...
Please show me the way ..."
-- "Show Me The Way" by Styx.
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The Statisticals.
Last Week SU: 13-2-0. Holy God.
Season to Date SU: 72-48-1.
Last Week ATS: 10-5-0. Sweet Jesus.
Season to Date ATS: 68-52-1.
Last Week Upset / Week: For the record, I agreed with punting it on 4th down, with five to play. The fact that it didn't work out? Does not mean it was the wrong thing to do. If you can't stop a team when they're pinned at their two, in the nuthouse known as Arrowhead, that ain't your offense's fault. And it certainly ain't the only reason we were even in that game's fault -- that reason of course, being "Fat" Andy Reid.
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 5-4-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 6-3-0.
This Week Upset / Week: I really love two 'dogs to win outright this week ... because neither of them should be home dogs. Especially the first one. So give me the Steelers (+1) over the Colts, and the Ravens (+3) over the Patriots.
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The Non-Chiefs Picks.
* Byes: Rams, Bengals, "Shane" Falcons, Saints. Who's ready for that awesome Thanksgiving Night debacle between the "Shane" Falcons and Saints! You'd have thought last year's Thanksgiving Night debacle between the worthless "Shane" Falcons and juggernaut Saints would have taught the NFL and NBC their lesson, but aw hell no! We get to endure this miserable, pathetic excuse of a football game again this year! Yo, NFL? NBC? NOBODY gives a sh*t about this rivalry other than the Deep South! And last time I checked, NBC? Your cable news network spends every free second demeaning that great section of our fine nation!
(Seriously, is it too late to flex in raiders at Chiefs into that slot? Because if the Chiefs lose Sunday, it'll be 7-4 oakland at 7-4 Kansas City to open December in all likelihood. (Pause). Hang on, what's the current Sunday nighter to open December. (stevo checking nfl.com ...) Damn. Pats at Texans. That ain't getting flexed (nor should it be). But CBS has the double header, and its' national game currently is Browns at Steelers. Ooh! We're so getting flexed to 3:25! And if you don't understand why I get so geeked up for national slot / prime time games at home? Then you've never tailgated with me.)
* My Thursday night pick was at "Super" Cardinals (-10) 31, 49ers 27.
* Jaguars (+1 1/2) 31, Texans 24 (Game in London). The AFC South is going to be one glorious clusterf*ck, the likes of which, only our 2011 AFC West could possibly hope to match.
* at Bills 16, Redskins (+9) 10. Call me crazy, but if someone misdiagnosed a cancerous tumor on my brain for six years, like the Redskins medical staff did with Trent Williams? I'd demand a trade too. I'd at least demand a better team of doctors. Also, "ALF Game O' The Week" honors.
* Titans (+3 1/2) 24, at Panthers 20. Next week in Nashville is going to be epic! And I'm not just saying that about my likely bar tab at the, uuh, bars on Broadway! Also, this conversation occurred last night at dinner:
(stevo) it sucks y'all aren't going.
(stevo's second mom) Yeah, it does.
(stevo) because you're always good for the bar tab. And you know Andrew can't afford it. So now I get to max out my Cap One for the weekend! Damn!
(stevo's second mom) Aww. My son is finally growing up!
(stevo) (sighing in disgust) Will you at least pick up this check?
The lesson? I really am as cheap as my brother ... sometimes.
* at Eagles (-4 1/2) 35, Bears 13. Frankly, I'm not sure how Chicago gets to 13.
* at Dolphins (+3) 3, Jets 0. If Sam Darnold catches mono from the night life scene in New York, what the hell is he going to catch in South Beach?
Also, for those of you who openly mocked me for calling Mr. Darnold "Browning Nagle Junior" from the moment he was drafted, who's laughing now? Just lose every damned game left and draft Joe Burrow or Tua, Gang Green. (Pause). What? (Pause). Yeah, Mr. Darnold might get gangrene. It's certainly within the realm of possibility!
Also, without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- your "Good Times Game O' The Week" honors.
* at Steelers (+1) 26, Colts 16. This line is patently absurd. It makes as much sense as I do after a twelve pack of Shiner. (Meaning, it makes none at all.)
* at raiders (-2) 41, Lions 38 (OT). Need a huge day out of Matthew Stafford for team tito. Thankfully, the raiders defense should oblige.
* at Seahawks (-4 1/2) 30, Bucs 20. I got nothing.
* Browns (-4) 45, at those people 6. Does this picture sum those people up, or what:
One more? Fine. I can oblige:
One more? ("outback" dj voice) What the f*ck. It's just a buck!
Also -- "Empty Nest Game O' The Week" honors.
* Packers (-3 1/2) 41, at "Super" Chargers 30. Let's play The Pyramid, shall we?
(markie post voice) Trent Dilfer. Brad Johnson. joe flacco.
(stevo voice) Mediocre quarterbacks!
(markie post voice) Uuh ... Jake Delhomme. Neil O'Donnell.
(stevo voice) Sh*tty quarterbacks!
(markie post voice) No. Well yes, but ... uuh ... Mark Rypien. Colin Kaepernick. Matt Hasselbeck.
(stevo voice) Underrated quarterbacks!
(markie post voice) Uuh ... Jeff Hostetler. Stan Humphries. Rex Grossman!
(stevo voice) Quarterbacks who've started a Super Bowl!
(markie post voice) Yes! Yes! Yes!
(hugs all around
You know who'll never appear as a possible answer to "QBs Who Have Started a Super Bowl" on The Pyramid? Phyllis Rivers, that's who. And you can bet Markie Post's game show career on that, jack.
(Sadly, every person under 35 is probably not only asking who Markie Post is ... but what a game show is. (Pause). We're coming back to this farther down this guaranteed to be "longer than Pete King's FMIA column in wordage" post.)
* at Ravens (+3) 24, Patriots 10. This is gonna be one fun Sunday nighter. I can't wait to see what Lamar Jackson has for the Patriots defense ... and vice versa. Also, the Ravens defensive coordinator is named Wink Martindale. Again -- we're coming back to this farther down, because who doesn't love Wink Martindale? (Other than
* Cowboys 24, at Giants (+7 1/2) 21. This line is a solid five points too high. Smells like a field goal finish from here.
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The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
Is he really referencing his fans wanting him back, or his intern? (scott hall voice) Hey yo! *
Seriously, has it really been almost twenty years since "Uno sin Pantalones" was atrapado with his, uuh, pantalones around his tobillos? (For those of you who, like me, slept through your Spanish classes twenty five years ago, "atrapado" means "caught". "Tobillos" means "ankles". You can probably figure out what "pantalones" are without the ayuda de Esteban.)
Although, to be fair and honest (one of which I am rarely accused of being), to be fair and honest? I haven't listened to a moment of 810 WHB programming since they sh*t kanned their Konfident and Klassy Kaptain pushing four months ago now. Who knew that hate-listening was really a thing?
Still, I gotta somewhat admit with Krazy Korrupt Kietz on this one. We need him back on the airwaves. 2pm on Kansas Kity radio just isn't the same without his klever and krafty kommentary.
That ... and please God, spare that pooch. He deserves better than to be a kaptive of "K"KK.
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(*: is he sober in ANY of those "Hey Yo!" clips? I'm going with "Hey No!" for 800, Alex (rimshot!) Oh come on! That was at least somewhat funny!)
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The Watching Party Plans.
There are no The Watching Party Plans, as this is a Chiefs game I will be in attendance for.
The Tailgating Plans.
Not much to report this week. We're doing hamburgers and dogs, assorted side dishes, and a healthy supply of beer. All of us core members from all three of our groups that tailgate together, have plans on Saturday night (shockingly, not with each other), so we're keeping this as simple as possible.
As always, anyone and everyone who wishes to join us in the grassy knoll north of G30 is welcome to join in. Chance, Colt, Blake and I will be in our spot by 6ish to save our, uuh, spot. I know the Chiefs say the gates will open at 7am. Yeah, that's (seventh day adventist voice) fertilizer. They were supposed to open at 2:30pm last week. They were wide, wide open at 1:15pm.
Hope to see you. As always, first beer out of the cooler's on me! (Quite possibly literally, from spilling it, if it's early enough.)
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The Flashback.
Like with last week, there's some interesting games to pick from:
* Super Bowl IV. Chiefs 23, Vikings 7, in this franchise's high water mark. (stevo bashing his head against his desk, realizing his team's best moment came seven years before he was "the Spring Break "questionable decision" gone horribly wrong".)
* Week
* Week Fourteen 1999. Chiefs 31, Vikings 28. The last great game of Derrick Thomas' Hall of Fame career.
But the one I chose to go with ...
* Week One 1990.
Forgotten about this one? That makes sense; it was thirty years ago ... but it was more than just a season opener, more than just a home opener, in hindsight. (And, arguably, at the time, as well.)
Both teams entered off of relatively successful 1989 seasons. The Vikings won the NFC Norris, made the Divisional Round, and were heavy favorites to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl that year. The Chiefs were coming off just their second winning season in twenty years, and entering Year Two of Carl and Marty's franchise-saving rebuild.
For fifty minutes, those of us who love old-school football of pound the rock and play solid defense, with an occasional forward pass (pick me! Pick me!)? This was your game! 1989 NFL rushing champion Christian "Swanson ** Hungry Man *** " Okoye against former Heisman winner and prolific back Herschel Walker. Trust me -- thirteen year old me was drooling in delirium. (That is a word, right? Delirium? It didn't highlight with that orange squiggly line thingy to intimate it isn't, so I guess it is!)
And yet, with barely five minutes to play, the Vikings led 21-17, and all five touchdowns had been scored through the air.
But with those five minutes and change to play, the Chiefs marched into Vikings territory, and faced first and goal. Then second and goal. Then third and goal. And ultimately, fourth and goal at the Vikings two.
Handoff. Okoye. Touchdown. Chiefs 24, Vikings 21, which wound up being your final score.
And yet, simply saying "Chiefs win", or "final score", just doesn't do this game justice.
For the first time in a damned long time -- for the first time in my life -- the Chiefs had proven they could face anyone, go toe to toe, glove to glove, punch to punch with them -- and win. For the first time in twenty years, they were a credible threat to the rest of the league.
As meaningful as October 7, 1991 remains in Chiefs history? (And save for Super Bowl IV, it's the most meaningful game of any of our lifetime's, save for possibly last year's AFC Title Game?) That magical night doesn't happen, at least as it did, if Christian Okoye doesn't plow through the Purple People Eater's II Defense, if Marty doesn't have the balls to go for it, rather than kick the field goal, with the game -- and possibly the defining moment of his young coaching career in Kansas City -- on the line.
The first gigantic foundational block into what the Chiefs would become, was laid that day in the east end zone. And damn, it was fun to watch it happen.
(Pause). Yeah, one other thing ...
That 1990 Chiefs season isn't talked about nearly enough, as one of the wackiest seasons ever. Not only did you have the Chiefs springing a monumental, franchise-forming upset over one of the best teams in the sport to open the season, you had ...
* the very next week, Mr. Okoye was virtually decapitated by that asshole steve atwater on 4th and 1 to help seal a 24-23 those people victory. ****
* Week Six saw the Chiefs beat the Lions 43-24 in Barry Sanders' only career game at Arrowhead. More incredible than that "wait, we only saw him once in person?" (rob dyrdek voice) ridiculousness, despite the presence of the two leading rushers in the NFL from 1989? It was unknown Chiefs player Barry Word who posted the 200 yard effort that day.
* Week Nine saw the Chiefs beat the raiders 9-7 in what can only be described as the most miserable weather day I've ever sat through a game for. It sleeted the entire day. The field was a solid sheet of ice, which probably accounts for the Chiefs blocking two punts, one of which occurred when the raiders punter simply lifted his foot and landed on his ass.
* And then, of course, Week Ten. As our long-gone ol' pardner, Mr. William Grigsby, so famously noted about this one: "I'm too old to cry, and I'm too sick to puke". This was the game when Derrick Thomas recorded seven sacks, had Dave Kreig in his grasp for an eighth, only Mr. Kreig escaped, heaved it to the end zone, and Paul Skanzi caught the forty plus yard Hail Mary to beat the Chiefs 17-16.
* Week Fourteen. Of every proud, damned proud, and really g*ddmaned proud moment I have felt as a Chiefs fan, few if any make me feel really g*ddmaned prouder than Week Fourteen 1990, even to this day. Because Week Fourteen -- a 31-20 Chiefs victory -- is the game when antichrist couldn't hear, Arrowhead was so loud. Let that sink in. It was so damned loud inside the stadium -- continuously! -- that the opposition couldn't hear the play call, to set up a silent count. That's damned awesome.
Of course, rather than suck it up like a big boy and play on, antichrist sticks his thumb in his mouth like the pathetic intemperate toddler he still is, and whines to the referees, who rather than tell him to act his age and do his job, coddle antichrist and threaten to penalize the Chiefs if us fans don't shut up and let him get a snap off.
You can imagine how Chiefs fans reacted to that request. (Note: it only got louder.) *****
And of course, because Chiefs gonna Chief, you follow that monumental moment up with ...
* Week Fifteen. I will never, until the day I die, forget the homemade sign on the lower wall of the west end zone that frigid December day. It was a drawing of Warren Moon on a sheet, in an Oilers uniform, with his pants down and a gun pointed at his bare ass, saying "Shoot the Moon!"
Shoot away young Warren did, to the tune of 6,598,387 yards (note: approximate figure; actual total may have been higher) against the helpless quadfecta of Jeff Donaldson, Stan Petry, Jayice Pearson, and "F*ck" Chuck Mincy. ******
(Note: I also loved that before the renovations a decade ago, when Arrowhead still had the overhead sign with a picture of a big moment in franchise history directing you to each section? Section 132's "picture of a big moment" was Haywood Jeffries taking off on a 80 plus yard touchdown, as "F*ck" Chuck and Jayice Pearson are laying prostate on the ground, already toast with sixty yards of field to go. Nothing says spending multiple decades sitting in Section 132, like a couple worthless defenders laying in a drunken stupor position as the game passes them by. Am I right or am I right?)
And of course ... the piece de resistance ...
* Wild Card Game. The Chiefs lead 13-0 virtually all day. They're up 16-3 with two minutes to play. Then Marino gonna Marino, Chiefs gonna Chief, and suddenly, down 16-17 with ten seconds left, Nick Lowery trots out to try a 42 yard field goal for the win. It's good! Oh, but wait. Holding, 77 Offense. The retry from 52? (phil hartman in "super colon blow" commercial) Not even close.
Whatever one may think of the 1990 season, from start to finish? We sure as sh*t got our money's worth.
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(**: not this Swanson (probably) Hungry Man. But he's well worth your reading time, both on Twitter and at Arrowhead Pride.)
(***: my first fantasy football team ever (1996!) was called the Swanson Hungry Men in Mr. Okoye's honor. (Pause). Damned right I'm thinking about "changing my franchise name" back to it, given my 3-5-0 start this year, with two losses by decimals of points.)
(****: Jesus, I miss Dierdorf openly rooting in the booth for the Chiefs. I really, really, really miss his biased, bigoted commentary in the Red and Gold's favor.)
(*****: the Chiefs gave away yellow hats that day? I don't remember that. And as anyone who reads this site on a regular basis knows, I have an encyclopeic knowledge of most things Chiefs. Also, I still have the towel giveaway from my 21st birthday, when those people beat us here in the Divisional Round 10-14. Yes, I still have a freaking towel from twenty two years ago.)
(******: there are very few Chiefs players ******* I have ever hated more than "F*ck" Chuck Mincy. That order from that post ten years ago, pretty much still stands.)
(*******: emphasis on Chiefs player. There is one professional former Kansas City athlete I hate more. Or, as I noted to his face twenty something years ago now: "you're the son of a b*tch we traded David Cone for". The lesson? As always, you may have had some fun with friends growing up, but you'll really struggle to top the fun myself, Mr. Reason, Jasson, bts, Cocoa Vineet, "Tony Gonzalez", and other assorted characters had growing up. Especially in those magical four years called "college".)
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Stevo's Drink O' The Week.
Fourteen Hands was on sale at Harry's this week. So I grabbed a case, mixing and matching a few of them ... and damn, I'd forgotten how good their merlot is. I plowed through all three bottles in barely an evening and a half, and I usually buy red wine because I tend to plow through it slower than I do white. I couldn't stop refilling my glass, especially Thursday night, as the chocolate bowl was sitting there, begging to be attacked. (More on this in the next section below.)
This week's Drink O' The Week -- Fourteen Hands merlot. You can't go wrong with any Fourteen Hands, to be honest, but the merlot is the best.
Especially with a couple Milky Way's.
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Stevo Neighborhood Update.
So, I thought I'd do my neighborly duty Thursday night, and bought a couple bags of candy, turned the lights of the Casa de Stevo on, flung that front door wide open, and waited for the two or four trick-or-treaters we get every year.
And trust me, we never get more than four or five of them. I've lived in Waldo for pushing five years now, and the best part about it is that virtually no kids live there. No, really -- 95% of us who live there are either (a) millenials just starting out, (b) single (7-11 super big gulp voice) middle aged people like me, or (c) retirees who built the damned house they live in sixty years ago.
I mean, when the nephew and/or nieces come over, it like doubles the population of the under eighteen crowd in my part of town. And as Joe Biden would note: "that's the God's honest truth, folks!" (Pause). Damn, I'm gonna miss Joey when he drops out after getting his ass handed to him in California to open March.
(Also, spare me the "you're biased for Biden!" responses. I support Mayor Pete, both vocally and financially, and I enthusiastically am waiting to elect him in 367 days. But I am fine with Biden if he's the nominee. Because I just don't think I can bring myself to vote for that man currently in the Oval Office. I couldn't do it three years ago; I don't think I can do it now. He's just too undignified for the job. Although if "House of Wings" actually does pin a medal on that dog, I could be swayed ...)
(Also, I defy you to find anyone else, who went on the record and said Trump would win, on November 8, 2016, as I did in the linked post above. I may suck at gambling on football picks, but I can nail political prognosticating, dammit.)
Anyway, from about 6:30 until pushing 8, I think there were maybe three trick or treaters. I actually implored the couple who did show up to "please, take as much as you want", as I figured there was no way that Tupperware bowl was getting drained, and the last thing I need is to plow through a case of Twix and Snickers bars while enjoying said Fourteen Hands merlot.
Then came 8pm. I first noticed the commotion on the street as a couple cars pulled up, and parked across the street (in front of the house with the cat named Stevo ... who still can't be corralled in when he's let out. It's really starting to p*ss me off. I set the alarm for 7am for a reason, and that's to sleep in until 7am, (gumby voice) dammit.)
Anyway, about two seconds later, the doorbell is getting pounded. Like a good dude, I pause the "Survivor" from Wednesday night *, put the glass of merlot down, head over to the door, grab the candy bowl ...
... and there, on the porch, are about twenty trick or treaters, half of which hadn't even bothered to wear a costume ** . None of these "kids" -- most of which were teenagers -- were from the neighborhood. Well, at least my neighborhood.
Anyways, they cleaned out the candy bowl, and I have to admit, that whoever planned this "invasion" of Madison Avenue, was a freaking genius. You live in an economically disadvantaged part of town? Load up the neighborhood kids, truck them to a better off area, and let them clean house! Even my neighbor John, as we were standing there in our mutual driveway watching this pack of candy-hungry strangers roam free and fleece house after house, even he was impressed at how brazen and bold these kids (and their parents and/or older friend who drove them to my 'hood) were.
Sometimes, you just have to admire people with no shame. Thursday? Was one of those nights.
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(*: this has been the best season of "Survivor" in ten seasons, easily. I freaking love Elaine. And Aaron flat out lying -- even after the votes were cast! -- to Tommy is amongst my favorite moments of this show, and we're in season what, thirty nine, forty? Jesus, this week's "what the hell just happened here?!?!?!" tribal council was so freaking good. Keep this up, "Survivor". Please keep this up!)
(**: raise your hand if you've ever had former FOX 4 meterologist Mike Thompson tell you to your face that "you're the sorriest bunch of trick or treaters I've ever seen"! I'm not sure what stuns me more about that: that it actually happened ... or that none of us were stoned, drunk, or both, when it occurred. (Pause). What? (Pause). Yeah, good point -- Mark was probably stoned. But everyone else was, uuh, stone sober.)
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"Disreputable Mexican Food Truck" Update.
Skipping it this week for something more important.
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The Fine Fifteen.
With the sad news that legendary game show host Alex Trebec is in the fight of his life against cancer, it only makes sense to figure out, who is the greatest game show host of all time? (At least according to this guy.)
While I am fully aware that not all of you share my addiction to GSN ... here's my rankings, in reverse order.
Honorable Mention: Bill Cullen. To his credit, he looked drunk in every show he hosted. (To his credit, he probably was eight sheets to the wind in every show he hosted.)
15. Peter Tomarken. Either he's five spots too low (rimshot!), or five spots too high. No matter your preference? "Press Your Luck" is one of the five best game shows ever. That's undebatable.
14. Ray Combs. Not much cup o' tea. But when you're following one of the greatest hosts of all time, you probably aren't anyone's cup o' tea.
13. Bert Convy. Sadly, gone way too soon. I actually like "Super Password" more than I like the original. And "Win, Lose, or Draw" is still spectacular. You can't beat Burt Reynolds trying to figure out what the hell Dom Deluise is drawing, when it comes to pure comedy.
12. Pat Sajak. He's the best game show host on Twitter. Although dammit folks, how awesome would the legends yet to appear have been on Twitter back in the day? I'm looking at you, Gene. You too, Chuck and Brett. Oh, wait, they were just panelists. But definitely you, Gene.
11. Richard Dawson. Seriously, watch a Dick Dawson hosted "Family Feud" sometime, especially from the early years (late 70s/early 80s). My God. If these woke leftists could see the sh*t Dick Dawson did to his female contestants? I cringe to think how triggered they'd be.
10. Monty Hall. Was never a "Let's Make a Deal" fan. I'm still not.
9. Steve Harvey. I'm going to say something that might trigger non-woke right wingers. Ready? Get your support and/or therapy animals ready, because here it comes. Steve Harvey's "Family Feud" is far, far superior to Dick Dawson's, or Ray Combs', or anyone else's, "Family Feud". And if you truly think about it, you know I'm right.
(Note: from this point on, these are the eight greatest game show hosts, and other than Steve Harvey, nobody else is ever joining this club. This is the Pantheon of Game Show Hosts.)
8. Alex Trebec. Making us semi-intelligent people feel dumb f*ck retarded for thirty plus years and counting. Get well soon dude.
7. Allen Ludden. I ask this with all seriousness: can you imagine the foreplay that had to be going on in the Ludden / Betty White bedroom back in the day? Just thinking about the possibilities makes me laugh out loud. I mean, did they have a "Password" type board, where they'd reveal clue by clue what act of frisky fornication would be going down tonight? These are the things that humor me folks. And yes -- if you don't get help at Charter, please: get help somewhere.
6. Bob Barker. Speaking of triggering woke millenials and their support animals, Bob Barker's Beauties everyone! You know Ol' Bob is still furious there's one male model now, let alone two. Plus, Ol' Bob did get sued -- multiple times! -- for sexual harassment and discrimination. Something Number One (yet to appear) and Dick Dawson never faced ... but definitely should have.
5. Dick Clark. Look it, my love for this man (affectionately known on this site as "Strokey") is unconditional. I cannot tell you how much I love (Insert Dollar Amount Here) Pyramid. I can't even begin to guess how many New Year's Eve's I've rang in as only I can: me, on a couch by myself, a couple bottles of champagne on the coffee table, watching "Strokey" Dick Clark count that ball down. I know that tradition started in high school, and continued well into my thirties. Hell, I'd still be doing that today if "Strokey" was still with us. Just a marvel of a man, a genius of a host, and anyone who makes Markie Post relevant on the national scene, has my respect.
(Note: ten, eleven year old Stevo had a sick crush on Ms. Post. And I mean sick. As in "probably good stalking laws weren't in place thirty years ago" crush. Let's move on before I begin to reflect on how sad and pathetic ten, eleven year old Stevo was ...)
4. Hang on. I just realized -- as only I can -- that I have six dudes left for four spots. So either I have to start over, boot Bill Cullen, and tell Pete Tomarken his luck has been pressed ... or:
4a. Regis Philbin. If you didn't watch "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire" twenty years ago when it first came onto the scene, either (a) you weren't alive, or (b) you're lying.
4b. Jeff Probst. True story: my Second Parents' former neighbors, Joyce and Jerry, their daughter was married on Mr. Probst's short lived talk show, in a special episode giving people with disasterous wedding days a second chance to make it right. (Amanda and David, theirs was (stewie griffin voice) roo-eened by a hurricane.) Also, like with 4a, if you didn't watch "Survivor" twenty years ago when it first came on the scene? Either (a) you weren't alive, or (b) you're lying.
4c. Wink Martindale. When you see who number three is, many of you will be screaming that I've got Ol' Wink at least a spot too low. And you may have a point. But come on. "High Rollers". "Tic Tac Dough". The man single handedly propped up USA's afternoon programming for most of the 1980s folks! Wait, I'm not helping my point in putting him this low, am I? Dammit.
3. Chuck "Two and Two" Woolery. "Love Connection" gave rise to such low-quality, abject crass projects like "Temptation Island", "Paradise Hotel", and "Love Island". You gotta respect that. Also, you gotta love "two and two". You got to.
2. Bob Eubanks. I'm telling you, picking between the top two is like picking between Mia Khalifa or Charlie in their prime to spend the night with. You just can't go wrong *** . As great as "The Newlywed Game" was, without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- Bob's career highlight had to be his appearances in Michael Moore's masterpiece "Roger and Me". If only for two jokes that even thirty years ago, were so outrageous you couldn't help but be offended, only one of which I'll actually quote:
"So the other day, I was mowing the yard with my shirt off, and my back got stiff. So my wife told me next time, to mow (it) with my pants off!"
(The other joke involved Jews and AIDS. I'm not going there.)
But speaking of stiff, phallic like things ... there's only one number one, and we all know who it blanking is:
1. Gene Rayburn. True story: I'd been working at Transamerica for maybe two, three months right out of college. And being in accounting and reinsurance, I handled the recovery of some of our large dollar claims **** . And there it was one sad, cold February morning: a death certificate for the one, the only, Gene Rayburn ***** .
I literally cried.
That might have been my finest hour at that company, come to think of it.
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(***: do you realize it'll be twenty years come January, since "The Night That Will Live in Infamy" went down? Me, a stripper, a cripple, and a chick with a mustache. Twenty years. And I'm still as morally bankrupt now, as I was then. Also, my God, was Charlie hot as hell.)
(****: my favorite death claim ever, and my buddy Hadley still has a copy of the death certificate, listed the cause of death as "executed by the state of Maryland". I guess some companies really will insure anyone.)
(*****: my favorite part of, uuh, "Private Parts", the Howard Stern biographical movie, is when Howard, Jackie, and Robin are sitting around the studio of W NNNNNNNNNN B C, playing "Match Game", with Howard as Gene Rayburn, Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling as himself, and the lovely Robin Quivers as Brett Somers. It is freaking fantastic.)
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The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.
Picking the Chiefs This Season:
SU: 4-4-0 (L Jaguars, W raiders, W Ravens, W Lions, L Colts, L Texans, W those people, L Packers).
ATS: 4-4-0 (L Jaguars, W raiders, W Ravens, L Lions, L Colts, W Texans, W those people, L Packers).
There were two other games I could have chosen for The Flashback: Week Three 2007 and Week Four 2011.
Both of those games saved seasons that had damned near spiraled out of control. The 2007 Chiefs were 0-2 entering that game. The 2011 Chiefs were 0-3 entering that season's matchup with the Vikings.
Both Chiefs teams won that matchup. The 2007 Chiefs would springboard that win into winning four of five to look frisky at midseason. The 2011 Chiefs would win three more in a row to get to 4-3, before eventually collapsing as well.
And now, once again, the Chiefs face the Vikings in what could be the defining home game of the season.
Only ... it won't be.
I hope to see everyone reading this tomorrow. I hope you show up, lose your voice from screaming so loud, and have to call in "sick" from drinking too many cold ones out of my cooler.
I believe with 100% certainty that if the Chiefs win this game, they will win the division. I still think they will win the division even with a loss, although I'd lower my certainty to about 75% with a defeat.
We have one game that is a "margin for error". This is it.
I hope we don't whiz it away.
* at Chiefs (NL) 24, Vikings 14. (I'll count the No Line as a Pick 'Em.)
I believe this season is going to look a whole lot different, and a whole lot better, come midnight Sunday night. Come out and join us in making that difference happen!
