"Do you have the time
To listen to me whine,
About nothing and everything all at once?
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools,
Neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it.
Sometimes I give myself the creeps.
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.
It all keeps adding up,
I think I'm cracking up;
Am I just paranoid, or am I just stoned?"
-- "Basketcase" by Green Day. Sorry this took four days -- I started it on
Monday ... and then bam!, got laid out by the flu for the next 2 plus days.
Anyways, a belated look back at Sunday's horrendous effort by our
Chiefs ...
----------------------
The easy thing to do, after a crushing, humbling, horrific defeat like
Sunday was, is to overreact. The easy thing to do is blame the officials
for some (at best) shaky calls, blame outgoing offensive coordinator Chuck
Weis for (without question) a fatally flawed game plan, to blame Matt
Cassel for an awful performance, blame Todd Haley for a mind-boggingly
stupid challenge early in the game, blame the defense for collapsing in the
fourth quarter, blame someone for (arguably) the single most retarded,
stupid, idiotic fourth-and-one play call I have ever witnessed, or pull a
South Park and "Blame Canada". Just blame something.
And yeah, I'll have plenty to say below on the negatives. But the thing to
take away from Sunday is this:
The 2010 Chiefs hit their ceiling. Look it, the Ravens are a really good
football team. I was thoroughly impressed Sunday. They're one of those
teams, and I don't know how else to describe it other than phrasing it this
way: they're one of those teams that when you watch them on TV, they don't
stand out, they don't seem to be special, and then when you watch them in
person, you just shake your head and smile because you know you're watching
something impressive. I firmly believe that even if the Chiefs had played
mistake-free football, that even if the coaching staff had helped, rather
than screwed, the offense Sunday, we'd still have lost by at least a
touchdown, and probably by double digits. The Ravens are that good.
In the end, what you have to take from Sunday, is that the Chiefs
overachieved, (hopefully) pushed the rebuilding schedule up a year, and
with another solid draft and a couple key free agent acquisitions, they can
begin to establish themselves as a legitimate contender. But we're not
there yet. As Sunday showed, we've still got some work to do.
And that's ok! Really it is. This season shouldn't be remembered for the
last two games. It should be looked back on and account for all seventeen
games. There were far more ups than downs this year. For the first time
since 2006, the Chiefs were relevant again.
And unlike 2006, it wasn't the last gasp of a veteran team this year that
made the Chiefs relevant. It was the arrival of a potential juggernaut
going forward. The 2010 season was far better than any of us had reason to
believe it would be. As I said riding out there Sunday, "is this actually
happening? Are we really hosting a playoff game today?" Even though the
final result was disappointing, the 2010 season as a whole was amazing.
That's how I'll remember it.
* The one good football highlight of the weekend? Easy. Jets 17, Colts
16. I had at least 15 people come up to me, notice the hat, and
congratulate me for the Jets win. I figure this was because everyone hates
peyton manning as much as I do, and was thrilled to see that d*ckhead
eliminated in his first game yet again. The alleged all-time great is now
9-10 as a playoff starter. God bless it I hate that guy.
But as thrilling as the win was ... I know I wasn't the only one who was
scared to death when Nick Folk, a man who makes extra point attempts an
adventure, lined up from 32 for the game winner. Let's just all hope and
pray that Sunday's rubber match in Foxboro doesn't come down to a Nick Folk
attempt.
(Of course, if the Sanchize plays as horrifically as he did on Saturday
night this week, it's gonna be 45-3 all over again. Good God, if he'd
overthrown Dustin Keller anymore in the first half, I might have chucked my
vodka tonic at the TV. Sanchez had at least five passes Saturday night
that the world's tallest man wouldn't have been able to catch, they were so
badly overthrown).
* Left for the stadium at about 7am Sunday. The bus was more crowded than
usual. And whereas normally, we're 1st or 2nd in line, we were 6th.
Arrowhead Nation was ready. Too bad the Ravens were ready too.
* Headed down to save spots (which was a great idea), and set up the tent
about 8:15. If you were out there, you know how cold it was.
Unfortunately, after getting the tent set up, the wind reminded us that
we'd forgotten to drive the stakes in, because the tent went flying and
finally landed upside down about 20 feet farther up the grass. Who says
drinking before noon is bad for you?
* The largest group tailgate we've ever had, was for the Thanksgiving game
against denver four years ago. Sunday's people total came damned close
though. Ray and his group moved up our way, and cominbed with our usuals
plus the "hey, it's the playoffs! Now we'll show up!" fair-weather types,
we easily pushed into the 50s for attendance.
* The fish fry was tremendous. Absolutely tremendous. I couldn't stop
eating the cod. Also on the menu were chicken boobs, brats, dogs, turkey
tenderloins, mashed potaters, chili, and the chocolate chip cookies that
Phill brought. Sadly, they weren't "happy chocolate chip cookies".
I think I need to pull rank here, and issue an executive decision, that at
least one tailgate every year will be an authentic Wisconsin-style fish
fry. I'm thinking for the Packers game next fall. Done and done. I'm
telling you, you can't go wrong with beer-battered cod. The only thing
missing was a couple Lake Front IPA's and a polka band to make this
authentic.
* Most ridiculous moment of the day: about 10am this golf cart with a hose
attached to it pulls up at the tailgate next to us ... and uses said hose
to extinguish a pit fire they had going. Let me get this straight, because
I admit I'm a little slow sometimes -- people drinking to excess and then
driving home, nobody at One Arrowhead Drive has an issue with. People
cooking with coals, then dumping said coals while still hot onto the
ground, creating a serious fire and safety issue? Not a problem to One
Arrowhead Drive. But if you bring one of those backyard above-ground fire
pits, and light up a couple logs? That gets the fire marshal involved.
Look it, I love the Chiefs, and I can't ever envision any scenario in which
I would stop going to their games. But guys, really. Pick your battles.
You look absolutely retarded on at least 90% of your decisions when it
comes to tailgating. (And the Royals aren't much better). Let's strive to
knock that number down to a more manageable 50% next fall, ok?
And don't worry, there's more "fun and frivolity" with the authority
figures out there still to come.
* "The Crush" showed up! Always a good thing. Plus Megan got her wish: no
school Monday thanks to all the snow.
* Jasson! Hadn't seen that guy in ages. He was there pretty early
Sunday ... along with "Steve Pederson" and her two kids. I know it's been
almost 10 years now since "Steve" entered our lives, but despite the
passage of time, the education, the special training ... I still can't
understand one damned word her daughter says.
* Speaking of "Steve Pederson", how awesome is it to watch the real Steve
Pederson run yet another quality athletic department into the ground via
horrendous, utterly jaw-droppingly stupid football hires? Just when you
think he can't possibly top screaming that "We will never surrender the Big
XII to Texas and Oklahoma", he hires Bill Callahan to oversee that
surrender. And just when you think he can't possibly hire a worse head
coach than Surrender Willy, he goes out and hires a guy who has to be fired
after 19 days on the job because ... well, because he spent his holidays in
jail after beating up his baby's mama.
There's comedy, and then there's Steve Pederson. The gift that keeps on
giving. I can't wait to see how he tops this latest catastrophe.
* One bright side to the end of the Chiefs season? Don't have to hear
Castro's group's horn blaring at 116 decibels for eight freaking months.
Sweet.
* Had a Jennifer sighting! Always good to see her and Tony. Especially
under the tried and true Steve "anytime a decent looking chick sends you a
text at 2:17am that says "i want to use your body as a jungle gym", it's a
good thing" theory. Was that really four years ago already? Man, time
flies when you're, well, not getting used as a jungle gym.
* No Phil and his group, since he was out of town for work ... but they're
moving into 132 next year! We're taking over that section one seat at a
time! They'll be sitting right behind me next year.
* One other bright side to the end of the Chiefs season? The next time I
step foot in that parking lot, it'll be in "t-shirt optional!" weather, as
opposed to "yes, I really did wear 6 layers today, and I was still shaking
like Michael J. Fox" weather that Sunday was. Man, "t-shirt optional
weather". That cannot get here soon enough.
* Time for rip number one, and for this one, I'm giving it to the head
coach, Todd Haley, but the entire coaching staff is also to blame. We
played not to lose Sunday. I hate it when teams do that. When you play
ultra-conservative, just try to keep it close and maybe we can edge this
thing out, as opposed to taking chances, taking risks, trying to maximize
your strengths and establish yourself early.
If you think back on this season, I'd argue the four biggest games we
played were vs San Diego, at Indy, at St. Louis, and Sunday. They're each
big for their own reasons, but what did Sunday NOT have in common with the
first three games? We didn't play to win. We played not to lose. That
mentality completely overtook this team Sunday. Coach, please: let this be
the last time you ever coach like that again.
* There was a pretty positive vibe on the walk in. The fans were ready.
Everyone you passed was decked out in red, fans were doing the Chop as you
walked by, it was a wonderful feeling walking in. Too bad the walk out was
like the complete opposite of that.
* I was the first one to get to my seat. That's a rarity -- usually I'm
the last one to arrive, between having to hike four sections over to pee,
then hike six sections back to get my drink, before hiking two sections and
a boatload of stairs back to where I sit. It sucks that Sunday was the
last time I'll get to do that for a few months.
* For a stadium that allegedly sold every ticket that either (a) wasn't in
club level or (b) wasn't returned by the Ravens ... there were some empties
in there. As usual, the two seats next to me went unclaimed, at least
until the third quarter, when two obnoxious drunks wandered down and sat
there for about ten minutes, before leaving to (presumably) move closer.
The upper deck had plenty of empties as well.
I know a lot of folks will say that it's the cost that kept them away, and
that's fine. But it's still kind of sad that after a season in which the
Chiefs did everything we asked them to do, and then some, the "fans" who
demanded that Carl and Herm go, demanded that we replace them with the best
talent Clark Hunt's money can buy, demanded that we prove it on the field,
and then they, the "fans", would return, that said "fans" didn't bother to
show up. Hopefully said "fans" will return in the fall.
* The fans that were there, however, turned that place into a huge
homefield advantage. It was really loud in there until things started
slipping out of control in the third quarter.
* Not much in terms of pregame activity. KC Wolf trotted out his tried and
true "hop on the conveniently placed ATV and jump on Ravens fans" routine
that stopped being funny in 1992. A female sergeant from (I think) the
Army performed the National Anthem. I say "think", because all five
branches were represented during the Anthem.
And in a shocker ... I didn't mind the flyover. Mostly because (for one of
the very few times) it was perfectly timed. That, and since Republicans
assumed power by promising to cut spending and reign in the government, I
trust nixing these wastes of taxpayer dollars is somewhere on the budget
cut list.
* What I did mind from the activities on the field, other than the game
itself, was the halftime show. (steve sighing in disgust). Three things
stood out:
1. This constant shoving down our throats of how these folks are the "real
heroes" in life. I get it. We get it. Enough already. Having said that,
2. If you're going to honor Americans who served in "every armed conflict
of the last 60 years", how in the hell do you forget Korea? We honored
Grenada, which makes slapper mode on "007" look like a difficult conflict.
We honored the guys who blasted the stereo in front of Noriega's apartment
for two weeks. We even honored the folks who served in Bosnia and Somalia
for crying out loud.
But nothing, not one mention, of Korea. I mean, who researched this thing?
They should immediately be sh*t canned. I think every American can name
the five biggies we've fought in the last 60 years: World War II, Korea,
Vietnam, Persian Gulf, War on Terror. One of those wasn't honored. If I'd
served in Korea, I'd be royally p*ssed off right now. Especially since it
appears that war is about to start up again.
But finally,
3. I don't care who you are, I don't care how good of a performance you do,
I don't care how awesome your voice sounds, how many people stand and cheer
for you before, during, or afterwards.
Unless you're standing on the Bombardier Pagoda on the last Sunday in May,
surrounded by Jim Nabors, Mari Hulman-George, and other asssorted
dignitaries, and unless your name is Florence Henderson, you should never
perform "God Bless America". Period. She owns that song. Everyone else
is just a pathetic rip-off of the original. (everyone who's ever been to
the Indy 500 nodding in complete agreement and clapping their approval as
well ...)
* Man, I just sounded like some really old dude sitting in a rocking chair
b*tching about how things were when I was 70 years younger in those last
couple paragraphs. Yikes. OK, let's hit the game.
* Chiefs win the toss, choose to defer. I thought that was idiotic. You
had the crowd in a fired up frenzy. Why not take the ball, give Dex a
chance at an electrifying return, and give your offense a chance to score
quickly and put the Ravens on the defensive. Instead, the defense takes
the field first.
* At least we (wisely) chose to defend the west end zone in the 2nd and 4th
quarters. The wind was blowing straight west to east in there yesterday.
I guarantee you the wind is at least 35% of the reason why we went for the
4th and 1 in the 3rd quarter.
* Ravens opening drive was demoralizing. But give the Chiefs defense
credit -- they bent, but they never broke, at least until this thing was
essentially over. The Ravens had the ball in the red zone on four
different occasions Sunday (three caused by Chiefs turnovers). They only
got 16 points -- three field goals, and one touchdown. And the touchdown
came at 23-7. As awful as the offense was, and as awful the situation the
offense was creating for the defense, I can live with that.
* Chiefs opening drive, on the other hand, was not a thing of beauty. Run
for no gain. Long bomb overthrown. Short pass incomplete. Punt.
* Then, the one good sequence of the day happened. After taking over near
the 15, Joe Flacco starts a Ravens drive, but unfortunately for him, he
scrambles and is decked by Tamba Hali, who strips the ball, and the Chiefs
take over at the Ravens 46. Two plays later, thanks to one of the best
take-out blocks you'll ever see by Brandon Albert, Jamaal Charles ran
untouched into the end zone, and the Chiefs led 7-3.
It was crazy in that stadium after Charles' touchdown. The loudest it got
all day was the Ravens next series, which ended when Eric Berry made a
great play on third down, defending a pass intended for Boldin.
It is at this point, that every Chiefs fan started to think "holy crap, we
can do this!" Especially when the Chiefs take over at their own 10, and
are at midfield a couple plays later. Unfortunately, Jamaal Charles
fumbled, giving the ball back to Baltimore.
* The teams exchange punts, before the Ravens mount a late drive, and score
a touchdown with 20 seconds left in the half. And at the half, they lead
10-7. Still, for as awful as the Chiefs offense has looked, for as
baffling as the play calling has been, I was confident we'd rally.
* Unfortunately, I was wrong. Because the opening drive of the second half
led to one of the worst play calls I have ever seen. Down 10-7, the Chiefs
have just gotten lucky, when a Cassel interception is fumbled by the Ravens
defender and recovered by the Chiefs. They march down the field, and face
a 4th and 1 at the Ravens 33.
I'm not upset with the decision to go for it. I felt the Chiefs should go
for it. Succup wasn't hitting a 40 yarder in the west end zone with the
wind, let alone a 50 yarder. Punting it made no sense. The Chiefs had to
go.
What they did NOT have to do, is call a play that takes the runner away
from the line to gain. Which is what we did, on a toss right to Charles,
who is predictably swallowed up by the Ravens defense, and loses four yards
on the play.
That play call was so awful, it deserves induction into the "Retarded Ideas
Hall of Fame" on the first ballot, via an unanimous vote. You NEVER call a
pitch there. NEVER. It wasn't even a full yard -- the Chiefs were short
by maybe 6 inches.
Why more coaches don't simply do the sensible, obvious call there, and have
the QB fall forward behind the center, I have no idea. If you're going to
run it, then at least call a straight ahead play. Every step you take
running laterally via the pitch, you're limiting your room to move forward,
and strengthening the defense's chances of stopping you.
This play call definitely changed the game. You could feel the life go out
of the stadium after that.
* Then the turnovers started coming. McCluster fumbles. Cassel picked a
couple of times. The defense keeps hanging in there, holding the Ravens to
field goals, but the offense continued to implode.
(You know what this frighteningly paralleled? The Chiefs / donkeys game
from last December. How one stupid, idiotic play -- the fake punt I dubbed
"the worst play in franchise history", a designation I stand behind to this
day -- turned a managable, winnable game into a turnover-fest blowout. The
lesson? I'm not sure. Other than bad things happen when you make
retarded, indefendible decisions on the first drive of the second half).
* I stuck it out all the way. Most folks around me left after the score
hit 30-7 with about 4 minutes left.
* Spent the last couple minutes with Gregg and Gordon, because as I noted
when walking up to join them, "somehow I knew you two would still be here".
* The walk out was eerily quiet. The few of us who were still there were
just walking. No chanting, no cheering, just dejected silence.
* Made it back to the postgame tailgate, and hung out with my brother and
his buddies for a while. Unfortunately, one of them wasn't feeling so hot.
He had to be literally carried out of the stadium, then they sat him in the
passenger seat of the car.
And that didn't help him. Because about two seconds later, the door
somewhat opens, and he's resting his head on his arm, which is on the
armrest of the door ... and up it comes. He starts puking. I'm just
staring in amazed silence: it's not every day you see someone so far gone
that they're both puking AND passed out at the same time. Literally, you
couldn't poke this dude awake with a stick.
The cause of his drunken stupor? I had to ask. That's when one of Drew's
buddies produced a decent-sized water bottle that this dude had smuggled
in, filled with Canadian whiskey. You gotta hand it to the guy -- he drank
a sports water bottle full of nothing but Rich and Rare whiskey, and
somehow lived! Granted, he was a train wreck, and he was up-chucking at
regular intervals, but man, he drank a water bottle full of cheap,
awful-smelling whiskey and lived! What a trooper!
(The cost of a pint of this stuff? $2.29! Good God! You can't even get a
40oz of Coors Light for that cheap! You can't even get a pint of Viaka for
that cheap! Uuh, not that I'd know, of course. And he's drinking that
stuff straight? What a trooper!)
* Speaking of troopers, they were back in the postgame. Apparently Drew
and his buddies managed to smuggle out not one, not two, but four seat
backs! The troopers weren't too happy about that. Now, the obvious
question, you would think, is "how did security not manage to see four guys
walking out with seat backs on them". I noticed as soon as I walked up
after the game that they were clearly carrying something underneath their
coats that was shaped like a seat. (Then again, this is the same security
detail that has never caught me smuggling in multiple flasks, and I'm not a
rookie at sneaking alcohol into that stadium. So I guess it's not even
remotely shocking that folks who can't conduct even a semi-decent patdown
would miss out on four guys, two of whom are carrying another dude that's
passed out and puking, carrying a freaking seat out of the game).
But no, the real question is "what in the hell are these troopers good
for"? They pull up, start talking tough, demanding ID's ... and then drive
away. No tickets, no punishment, no follow up. At the very least, you had
four theft charges, and an obvious public intoxication charge with our
"Rich and Rare friend" to issue. Then again, these are the same people who
stood back and let a 12 plus person drunken brawl run its course two weeks
ago, and then let every walk away, including the guy who drove his SUV into
their golf cart.
Toss in the Deadspin stories this week of some "casual encounters" going
down in that parking lot, and I guess it's official. Lot G is the best
tailgating lot in the world!
* Not much else happened post-game. Had some wine, watched the Packers /
Eagles game, then headed home. I couldn't bring myself to watch the game.
Maybe someday. But not yet.
* So I guess for the final thoughts on the final recap of this season, I
would close with this:
Thank you, Kansas City Chiefs, for giving at least this fan a reason to
hope again. The last time I anticipated Chiefs football, was early in the
2007 season, before the Green Bay game destroyed the season, destroyed the
Peterson and Edwards eras, and led to 2 1/2 years of utterly unwatchable
football, save for that lone magical September Sunday against the donkeys
in 2008.
This season, the Chiefs were relevant again. We mattered. We weren't the
division's doormat, an honor I am so happy to see has passed to the
broncos.
Going forward, teams can't circle a visit from the Chiefs and add it to the
"if we show up, we win" column. The home-field advantage has been
re-established. This was a great season, and the architects of it, whether
they be currently employed, or previously shown the door, deserve a "job
well done!" out of every Chiefs fan, the disappointment of Sunday be
damned.
I loved the hell out of this season. I'm hoping ... screw that. I'm
believing next season is even better. And to believing you all will be out
there to witness in person the Chiefs moving "one step closer!" to a
championship.
Now, who's up for watching the Jets game somewhere on Sunday! I promise,
I'll only be 99.9999% as ridiculous as I would be if it was the Chiefs ...
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