i is for indy!

As most of my readers know, there's a little slice of heaven on this earth that holds a very special place in my heart. I freaking love this place more than any other place I've ever been lucky enough to visit. Every time I arrive at the gates, I literally tear up a little bit, it means that much to me.

I'm referring to, of course, the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. The Indy 500 is my favorite sporting event (and the Brickyard 400 isn't far behind). I love everything about that place.

I can honestly say, every person should experience the 500 at least once in their lives. The parties on Saturday night before the race are beyond legendary. The race itself is usually an amazing spectacle (to say nothing of the pre-race traditions). Even my buddy Dusty, who will never be accused of liking motorsports of any kind, even he agrees with me that Indy is "something special" that "everyone should do at least once".

I say this ... because the "Voice of Reason" was in Indy earlier this week, and bought a kid's book for his new son called "I is for Indy". It then links each letter of the alphabet to something in the track's history. I thought this was a spectacular idea. So, since we're now less than two weeks away from NASCAR kicking off its season, and barely four months away from the 500, I figured I'd steal the gimmick and plug what I think of for Indy and each letter of the alphabet.

Here goes.

A is for AJ Foyt. One of the two or three greatest drivers ever, in any level or form of motorsports. He's the only driver in history to win the three biggest races on this continent (Daytona 500, Indy 500, 24 Hours of Daytona), and he also won the 24 Hours of Lemans to boot. Has won the most Indy 500's of any driver (four). Also is known for his legendary temper, as best evidenced in the 1997 race at Texas, when he and eventual winner Arie Luyendyk literally threw down in Victory Lane. If you go to an IndyCar race, you have to get a scanner just to listen to the Foyt communications (which are anything but "family friendly").

B is for the coolest tradition in motorsports: the Balloon launch as "Back Home Again in Indiana" winds down. Always brings multiple tears to my eye. There's awesome experiences at a sporting event ... and then there's locking arm in arm with your neighbor, swaying and singing along with the man who'll be discussed when we reach J. It's hokey, it doesn't come through properly on TV most of the time, but trust me -- you will get emotional when (brent musburger voice) you are looking live! as it happens.

C is for Tom Carnegie, the long-time PA Voice of Indy, who retired a couple years ago. Savvy sports fans will also recognize Carnegie as the Voice of Butler basketball ... and the PA announcer in the championship game of "Hoosiers" (playing himself, since the final was played at Hinkle Field House, Butler's home court). His voice is just incredible. Anytime Tom Carnegie is talking, you shut up and listen.

D is for drivers, 33 of them, who start every Indy 500 in eleven rows stretching three cars across. I am 99.99% certain that Indy is the only race in the world that starts three wide (most others are two across, while some are single file). What is amazing is how crappy many of these drivers were, especially after the split between CART and IndyCar in the mid 1990s. It's a definite sign of how awesome this race is, that no-talent hacks like Scott Sharp, Greg Ray, Elizeo Salazar, Felipe Giaffone, Airton Dare, George Mack, and Robbie McGehee can lead laps at this race, and still the track fills up.

E is for Bernie Ecclestone, the chairman of F1, who used to run the US Grand Prix at Indy every June. Until 2006, when (whoops) the tire created for the race was deemed so unsafe, that only six drivers dared to take the track that day. After that debacle, F1 has not been invited back. Which is perfectly fine by me. Although I do miss the sand area that used to be set up for the F1 race in turn four, if only because I prefer to sit in the Northwest Vista, and for the 500 and the Brickyard, they used to turn that sandy area into a beach-club type viewing area, complete with lounge chairs for the girls to lay out and watch the race in. You're damned right I came armed with binoculars that may or may not have led to some creepy stalker-type viewing.

F is for the greatness that is Florence Henderson. Every year ABC goes to commercial when she performs "God Bless America". For years, I hated this. Everything about the pre-race ceremonies in Indy should be televised. It's history. However, I've softened on this somewhat. I think it's neat that to truly see everything the 500 has to offer, you have to be there in person, because you'll never see Florence's amazing rendition every year on TV. (You can't find a whole lot of youtube! clips of it either). It's one part of Indy that belongs totally to Indy and the fans who are there. You have to hear her perform at least once. Especially since following her, is the one moment guaranteed to send chills down your spine. We'll hit that when we reach the letter T.

G is for Georgetown Street, the street that runs north / south on the far west side of the Speedway. To truly grasp just how huge this place is, you gotta stand at the corner of 16th and Georgetown, and just stare straight north. You can't even see where the hell the track ends. (It ends at 30th Street). And on raceday morning, you can't see fifteen feet in front of you, the street is so jammed with racing fans making their way to their seats.

H is for Mari Hulman (George), whose family owns IMS. If you've ever watched a race at Indy, you know who this chick is. She's the one on the podium who looks 134 year old. Always says the six best words in motorsports -- "Lady and Gentlemen, start your engines!" -- painstakingly slow, like she's drawing her last breath ... and then gives two huge thumbs up as she walks away from the microphone. That never fails to crack me up. She honestly thinks she's just said the six most important words in the world, like she's just performed the greatest task a human being can accomplish. I can't disagree with her thinking.

I is for the craziest place in America, the Infield on race day. It really is as ridiculously insane as the pictures and stories you can find on the Internet make it out to be. I have literally stood in line to enter the Speedway on race morning, behind a group of frat boys all wheeling dollies stacked to the top with cases of beer. It's a crazy all-out party in that place, and it doesn't even cost you $20 to get in the door most of the time. Ridiculous. Also in the infield? The only museum in the world I will pay to enter. If you have any sense of history, you will have goose bumps as you walk through the place (last time I was there, it was $3 to enter, and another $3 if you want to take a lap around the track. It's the best $6 combo on earth).

J is for Jim Nabors. I'm telling you, there is NOTHING cooler in all of sports than when Bob Jenkins (now the PA voice at Indy) introduces our "good friend, Mr. Jim Nabors!", and he welcomes us all "Back Home Again in Indiana". The balloon launch is the cherry on top. I love every damned thing about that place. But I especially love the last 15 minutes of the prerace intros, when you get Florence, Jim, Mari, and the performer for the letter T all up there. There's no way you can get through that foursome without (at least once each) tearing up, cheering, smiling, singing, and feeling a chill down your spine. Well, unless you're already passed out, drunk and shirtless, in the infield. Still, either way -- you're feeling amazing by the time the pace car comes onto the track.

K is for my favorite driver ever, Kenny Brack, who won the 1999 Indy 500. His final race was the 2005 Indy 500 (still my favorite race I have ever attended). One of my favorite pictures, and sadly I can't find it on my computer anywhere, was taken at the 2005 IndyCar race here at Kansas. Kenny headlines a band that was performing, and after the set was over, someone (I'm guessing it was Gregg or Brett) snapped a pic of me and Kenny. I was in post-season form that day -- Kenny looks completely composed, and I'm pretty much incoherent, holding a Coors Light, and bright red from the waist up from a sunburn. Nothing says "yup, I'm a classy racing fan" than taking a pic with your favorite driver while you're pushing a .30 and shirtless. I'm gonna miss the IndyCar race here, really badly ...

L is for lawns, be it front or back, where (literally) thousands of race fans sleep overnight. All of Speedway, Indiana turns into one gigantic outdoor camping adventure the week of the race, and people just keep packing the front lawns and grassy undeveloped areas as the week progresses. Come Saturday night, it's a freaking nuthouse out there. And I for one love it. You just can't beat being able to sit on the side of the road, watching chicks earn their beads, while enjoying a few frosty cold adult beverages and a joint. All while the cops just walk on by and do nothing. Indy is truly the greatest place on earth. Especially the night before a race.

M is for a trio of drivers, all from the same family, that is the most cursed family of them all. Mario, Michael, and Marco Andretti. Mario did win Indy once, in 1969. Michael is the driver with the most career starts at Indy (20) to never win the thing. He finished in the top 5 in more than half of those 20 starts, including his final one, when he led with 5 laps to go, led with 4 laps to go, and then was passed by ... his son Marco, who to this day is still the only driver to be passed for the lead on the final lap in the Indy 500. And the pass occurred literally 1,000 feet from the finish (about 1 second). On second thought, maybe the 2006 Indy 500 is my favorite.

N is for the Name attached to the garage area -- Gasoline Alley. It just sounds cool, doesn't it? "Gasoline Alley". My favorite part of the Indy 500 early in the day, is walking into the Paddock seats, and seeing all the cars lined up. It's cool -- you can actually head down and see them. You cross under the track through the Tunnel, and when you come out and walk past the Bombardier Pagoda, it's all there to see, to touch, to interact with. You can watch the cars file through inspection, you can talk to various drivers and celebrities, you can have pictures taken with said cars, drivers, and celebrities ... and it doesn't cost you one damned cent to do it. (Unlike Kansas Speedway, which charges you an extra $20 just to get to the damned infield, and another $15-$30 if you want to see anything once you get there. Ridiculous). Gasoline Alley rocks.

O is for One Hundred, as in this is the 100th anniversary year of the inaugural Indy 500 (although only like the 96th running, stupid World War II screwing up the math). If you thought Indy was a spectacle in prior years, how crazy is it going to be for the centennial? (Answer: wicked crazy). If ever there was a year to give up your 500 cherry, or go back for more fun, this is it.

P is for Danica Patrick, who revitalized the Indy 500 in dramatic fashion beginning with her first appearance in the race, in 2005. I've been blessed enough in life to attend many sporting events, and I certainly have been in loud venues before, be it for sports or music ... but I have NEVER heard a reaction as loud and proud as the one that went up on lap 189 of the 2005 Indy 500, when Danica took the lead on the final restart, and held onto it for five laps before having to fall back to save fuel. There isn't a decibel meter to register how crazy loud it got in that place when she passed Dan Wheldon.

Q is for qualifying, which is unique for the Indy 500. I still liked the old procedure better, when you qualified 11 cars on day one, 11 cars on day two, 11 cars on day three, and then "Billy Boat Memorial Bump Day", when drivers not already in the field could knock out a driver that was in the field by posting a faster time. What made Bump Day (named in my circle of racing fan friends as "Billy Boat Memorial Bump Day", because poor Billy was on the bump damned near every year for a solid decade) cool, and still makes it cool, is that you aren't necessarily bumping number 33. You're bumping the slowest qualifying time. In the past, you could be knocking number 11 or number 10 from the field (which happened in 2005). Also, Bump Day always got crazy, because that's when the NASCAR guys would arrive and try to get into the field. Now, there's only two days of qualifying, the first 22 slots fill on Saturday, then the first 11 drivers to go out on Sunday fill the field, and then the bumping begins. "Billy Boat Memorial Bump Day" isn't as awesome as it used to be, but it's still the best qualifying day in motorsports.

R is for The Captain, the winningest owner at Indy, Roger Penske. Penske has won this race nearly 20 times. Odds are, if you're a top flight driver, you've spent some time in one of Roger's cars. In this decade alone, he's seen Helio Castroneves win for him three times, saw Sam Hornish Jr. win the closest finish in Indy history (the 2006 race where he passed Marco at the last second), and saw Gil DeFerran (a very underrated driver) drink from the milk. Also have to give his old sponsor a shoutout, our "good friends" at Marlboro. Other than the first year they ran at Kansas (2001), I don't think I ever paid to attend a race there, because Marlboro always sent "loyal smokers" like me free tickets.

S is for Tomas "Crash" Scheckter, one of the biggest talents in IndyCar, but a guy who can't avoid the retaining wall to save his life. His most "infamous" crash was in Texas in 2002, when he took out his teammate, Eddie Cheever Jr. Unfortunately for "Crash", Cheever was also his boss. Cheever gave one of the great post-wreck pressers of all time after that incident, dropping some salty language on "Crash", prophetically noting "he's going to kill someone if he keeps driving" and finishing by saying "that ass has driven his final lap for me". Nothing like getting fired on national television in the middle of a race. Scheckter also has the "honor" of leading the most laps in a race at Indy, and failing to win it. (If you guessed hit the wall on lap 189, congratulations, you're a winner!) Still, I like "Crash". If only because you're guaranteed to see a spectacular one if he's on the track. (None more spectacular than the 2003 fall race at Texas, where "Crash" took out my favorite driver with 11 laps to go, a wreck so horrific that (a) the IRL immediately called the race, (b) Paul Page nearly had a stroke in the booth from viewing it, because (c) everyone assumed Brack was dead. Pull up the clip on youtube! sometime. It'll sicken you. And then shake your head in amazement that Brack lived to drive again).

T is for the trumpeter who plays "Taps". Of all the pre-race ceremonial events, nothing resonates more than this. A solo trumpeter from the Purdue Marching Band, playing this song in tribute to all those who have paid the ultimate sacrifice for freedom over the previous year. A completely chill-inducing minute, capped by the fact that literally noone makes a sound the entire time. It's 300,000 people completely silent, the only noise being the trumpet. Amazing on television. Jaw-droppingly awesome in person.

U is for the most successful family at Indy, the Unsers. Al, Little Al, and Bobby have (I believe) 7 victories between them. Plus, the comedic value of Little Al is beyond priceless. This is a man who hosted a "come snort some coke with a group of strippers!" party in his trailer one year. A dude who was busted for DUI at 9 in the morning for driving the wrong way down the Vegas Strip. He also was a helluva driver, and prior to the 2006 race, Little Al won the closest race in Indy history, holding off Michael Andretti. I love Little Al, in case you can't tell. The guy is just awesome, in a total trainwreck kind of way.

V is for Victory Lane, where the coolest post-race tradition occurs. The winner of the Indy 500 every year has his car hauled into position, where he's handed a winner's wreath ... and a jug of milk. Which the winner promptly takes a swig of, before usually pouring it all over his pit crew and owner. No other race ends with the winner enjoying a glass of milk. I'm lactose intolerant -- even the sight of milk makes my stomach cringe. But if I ever won the Indy 500, I'd chug that thing like it was full of Shiner Bock.

W is for walking, because you're going to do a helluva lot of it. Case in point: when I head to Indy and stay with some friends up there the night before the race, well, they live on Auburn Street, the last street before you hit the Speedway. From their house, through the overnight lots, across Georgetown, and on around to the Southeast Vista where their seats are ... takes on average an hour to complete. An hour to walk about 15, 16 blocks. That's how many effing people there are at this thing.

X is for xhibits -- no, not the crappy rapper from "Pimp My Ride". Exhibits, which the Museum in the infield always has an awesome variety of. Most of the previous winning cars are in there. (Guaranteed to make me laugh hysterically: the Rachel's Potato Chip mobile that Eddie Cheever Jr. drove to victory in 1998). The funniest tribute I've ever seen there was for Diversity in Racing, and they showed a photo of all the African-American drivers to participate in the 500. There were two pictures up. Two black drivers in (at the time) 90 plus races. Unreal. (The two? Willie T. Ribs, and George Mack. That's ... that's truly an awful record on diversity. Someone needs to sic Reverend Sharpton on this, stat). There's also usually one or two drivers that they focus on, and pull in as much history and memorabilia for the guy that they can. (They had a Tony Stewart exhibit one year, that had both his 1999 IRL championship car, plus his 2002 NASCAR championship car. For anyone who says open wheelers can't win in NASCAR, I give you Tony Stewart. Kasey Kahne. Jeff Gordon. Ryan Newman. Robby Gordon. OK, scratch Robby. Although even he gave us a memorable moment, in 2002, when he drove off with the fuel hose still attached to his car. IndyCars use methanol fuel. Any pressure and ... yup, you guessed it, about 15 seconds after Gordon pulled out, a loud BOOM! and the fuel lid on the tanker went flying about 200 feet in the air, threatening the lives of everyone in the Pit Road Terrace. So no, Robby Gordon is not a good example of an open-wheel guy who succeeded in NASCAR. Especially since his two best "memories" at Indy are nearly killing a half a dozen fans with a fuel mishap, and losing the 1999 500 by running out of fuel on the final lap because he left his pit too soon on his final stop, not taking on enough fuel. He's just great. In a completely crappy kind of way).

Y is for yelling, which you will do a helluva lot of. Especially if your driver is in it. Or if your "driver" you got stuck with in one of the many gambling pools takes the lead. That never fails to crack me up either, when some schmuck gets stuck with an also-ran like EJ Viso or Mario Moreas or Sarah Fisher, and they stay out on like lap 109 to lead one lap, and some dude starts cheering like crazy, because their "driver" led a lap. I'm telling you, there's nothing like the Indy 500. Awesome pageantry, crazy fun atmosphere, you can bring in as much booze as you can carry (or wheel) in, and gambling is not only encouraged, you'll catch sh*t if you refuse to chip in your buck and buy a driver.

Finally, Z is for zzzzz's, because you'll need some by the time your weekend in Indy is over. You have to build in a day to recover, to just sleep off the excess. But you won't regret a second while you're there. Indy is the greatest place on earth. The 500 is the greatest race on earth. And the multi-block party the night before is truly an amazing scene to participate in. Here's hoping someone makes the trip up there with me come Memorial Day weekend. Anyone? Hello? (crickets chirping) ...