I almost never watch the Idol results show until it hits the last four or five contestants left. Why? Because at this point of the competition, it's obvious who's going home, so why waste an hour of my time only to see the obvious?
Then ... came Thursday night. Not only was this arguably "Idol"'s best ever results show from a "the results were WHAT?!?!" perspective ... but consider everything you had in the last twenty minutes:
* a shirtless Hulk Hogan.
* said shirtless Hulk Hogan "cold cocking" Ryan Seacrest into the studio audience.
* a shocking (non) elimination.
* a contestant dropping an "Oh My F*cking God!" on live television.
* a contestant who nearly died on stage.
* multiple contestants dropping other varieties of the seven forbidden words of network television, so much so that FOX had to instantly leap from actually being live, to pausing for seven seconds. And ...
* Paul consuming a whole batch of birthday brownies for Steven Tyler that may or may not have been the type of brownies I love to consume. (Hint: they contain a special ingredient that is finally, thankfully, slowly yet surely being legalized across this great nation of ours).
A show this epic, this amazing, demands a recap. Too bad we have to endure the first 40 minutes to get to the jaw-droppingly awesome 20. Cut the music, dim the lights, THIS ... is your American Idol Results Show Recap.
* We open with a pointless nearly minute long "what is Motown sound" recap from last night. I'd tell you more about it, but I nearly passed out from banging my head on the coffee table at listening to that last minute of my life.
* Should also mention: this is the first post from the new computer. Yay Stevo entering the mid 1990s and finally buying a laptop yesterday! I'm gonna miss the old desktop though. That thing had some great times, especially at "reputable singles site" back in the day.
* Remind me again: how in the bloodiest of bloody hell's did Lee DeWyze win this competition? And how did Jennifer Hudson, Chris Daughtry, Elliott Yamin, Kimberley Locke, and the greatest contestant ever, Blake Lewis, NOT win this competition?
(In Blaker's defense ... Jordin was better. But still. It's an outrage).
* I cannot even begin to put into words what Steven Tyler is wearing, other than please, if I ever show up for any event in life wearing a leopard skin shirt unbuttoned to my crotch, and a pink ascot covering up the exposed portion of my chest caused by said unbuttoned shirt, and I'm wearing a pair of jeans with ass-and-crotchless chaps on the outside of them? Please ... put me out of my misery. This is beyond horrendous to look at.
(Yes, he is wearing chap-like pants. And an ascot. And a leopard skin unbuttoned shirt tucked into said chap-like pants. And the sad thing is, it works for him. Slap my ass and call me Charlie).
* At the 2 minute mark, a girl that can't be older than 12 is holding a sign that says "Steven Tyler, Take My # Baby!" Well, at least there's one adult in this nation that is a worse parent than I'll ever be.
* Seacrest wearing the 1980s grey suit with pencil thin tie. I like it. I'm pretty sure I still have that exact ensemble in the back of my closet somewhere.
* Sugarland and Jennifer Hudson are tonight's guest performers. I like it. (randy jackson voice) That Jennifer Nettles is hot dawg! Yo yo yo!
* Our Top 11 come out to perform their first number of the night. No, wait, head fake, they're going to a pre-taped segment. You know, if James Durbin had full length body tats, he'd look just like the lead singer of Good Charlotte.
* Our mentor for some reason this week? Mark Anthony. I'm going with "making sure Steven Tyler isn't stalking my wife" as his primary reason for hanging out on the Idol set. But sure, sure, we'll go with "guest mentor there to help Idols overcome pitch problems", whatever's clever.
* If you had 4:58 for the first "bleep!" with a huge Idol symbol over someone's mouth, congratulations, you're a winner. Mark Anthony dropping the s bomb.
* 5:27 mark, he drops the f bomb. I like this guy! He's the (bleep!)ing bomb!
* 5:49 mark, he trashes his wife's critique of Pia. OK, let's add "ogle arguably the hottest Idol contestant ever" to the list of "real reasons Mark Anthony is here tonight".
(Gotta admit, I'm not even 6 minutes into a 41 minute broadcast (watching this on Channel 131), and I'm cracking up reading my own thoughts. This one might be an all timer ... and we're still 20 minutes away from Hulk Hogan ripping off his shirt and b*tch slapping Seacrest ...)
* Anthony is genuinely p*ssed at his wife's judging of Pia. This is hysterical to watch.
* 6:18 mark, focus in on his wedding ring. I gotta ask: is there any dude in America that has punted further beyond his coverage than Mark Anthony? Other than Dusty of course, that's the benchmark (rimshot!)
* 6:38 mark, more making fun of JLo's judging. I really like this guy.
* 7 minute mark, Anthony offers to "do this again. You can get me really cheap!" That was a thoroughly enjoyable segment. If they had more of those, I'd actually watch this results show more often.
* Should be group performance time (aka drink refill and hit the head).
* We go to the judges, and let's just say, I hope the couch is comfy Mr. Anthony. I hope the couch is comfy.
* Yup, group time. "Ain't No Mountain High Enough". Jacob our opening singer. Now all involved. Only moment worth mentioning -- Paul refusing to even embrace Naima in the group hug-a-long. I'm going with "turned him down a few days ago" on the excuse-o-meter.
Other than that, this is excruciating, in a "the Royals are starting WHO?!?! at Yankee Stadium today?!?!" kind of way.
* (good ol' jr voice) Good God! That's ... That's Stevie Wonder's Music!!! (WrestleMania XXVII! One week from tomorrow!)
* Stevie Wonder! In the hizzouse! "Signed, Sealed, Delivered"! Hang on, gotta stand and clap.
And for what it's worth, even Stevie thinks Steven Tyler's outfit is the worst thing he's ever seen. (groans from the audience). Oh come on, the blind guy jokes never get old!
That was simply phenomenal. Awesome times there for the last couple minutes. Everyone in the IdolDome eating this up, as am I. Great moment there.
(And to think, the moments I tuned in for are still to come! This could be epic by the time it's over!)
* 11:16 mark: NASCAR Nation represent! Joey Logano and your Daytona 500 winner Trevor Bayne in the hizzouse! Next to some token black guy. But hey, it's NASCAR guys! (NASCAR Sprint Cup at Fontana, 3pm Sunday, only on ... you guessed it, FOX).
* Stevie sings Steven a Happy Birthday song, complete with a psychadelic painting of Mr. Tyler. Words cannot do this scene justice.
* For what it's worth, Steven has now added a leather vest to go with the pink ascot, unbuttoned leopard skin shirt, and ass-and-crotchless chaps over jeans. Its these little details that make my recaps so amusing, I believe. And yes, he really is wearing what I just typed in the previous sentence.
* OK, I know at some point in time, we're all embarrassed by what total tools our folks can be ... but don't you all feel a sh*t ton of pity for Liv Tyler? I mean, ass-and-crotchless chaps! On the number one rated television show in America! With a pink ascot to boot! Not even the great Ralph Ferley looked this clueless on "Three's Company"! F*ck, I wish I had SnagIt on this new laptop to capture the image. I might need to download than when this is done and update this post, the image is that giggle-inducing.
(And I'm still below the f bomb quotient the Idol contestants are about to unleash upon us).
Hell, not even Kid (clap!) Dy-No-Mite looked this outrageous on "Good Times"! (Coming to Stanford and Sons May 4-8. Just sayin').
* That Ford Idols commercial they just aired is worse than any KC Wolf sketch. Yes, I just said they were worse than KC Wolf. Please pick your jaws up off the floor before continuing to read.
* You can participate in a scavenger hunt for a new 2012 Ford Focus. Uuh thanks, but I'll pass.
* 15 minutes in, we finally get some results. Lauren, Pia, Scotty. All should be safe. All are.
* 15:26, our first FOX edit of the night of a live portion of the broadcast! Pia definitely dropped the "oh sh*t!" blast!
* 15:38, Scotty definitely copped a feel of Pia's ass during that hug. Attakid!
* Seacrest: "We have three empty stools, a lot of uneasiness on the couch". I just type it, I don't make it up.
* We come back from break with Sugarland doing "Stuck Like Glue". For what it's worth, Steven Tyler's ascot is pinker than Jennifer Nettles' suit coat, but it's a photo finish to determine that. Although why Jen felt the need to channel Olivia Newton John's outfit in the "Let's Get Physical" video, I have no idea. Really Jen, green spandex? Really?
* I think Steven Tyler needs to break out the Zubaz pants. That's the only way his outfit tonight can be topped. I'm pretty sure "The Voice of Reason" still has a pair or two you can borrow.
* 20:15 mark we hit the "James is a huge wrestling fan" puff piece. I've been told Pia wrestles with the guys. If that is the case, I might need a 23 second ... ok, 17 second break, from this recap.
* In the voice of The Miz, THAT ... was awesome! Unfortunately, no kiddie pools filled with jello, vaseline, or KY lube was involved in filming Pia's portion of that segment, but hey, she likes to pillow fight! My kind of girl!
* James and Paul the next two to face the Idol executioner.
* Tyler's reaction at 21:57 is priceless. He looks more loopy than me in the parking lot after a NASCAR race. More stuff you can't make up -- Tyler compared Paul's vibe to Willie Nelson. Yup, I completely agree with that. Because unlike President Clinton, Willie has definitely inhaled.
* In this case, said Idol executioner is ... Hulk Freaking Hogan!!! Coming out on stage to "Eye of the Tiger"!!! What, Derringer demanded too much in royalties? Still, this ... this is epic. This is beyond epic. I literally spit my vodka and Sprite out seeing his entrance. This is epic.
* Immediate reactions: JLo laughing hysterically, Stefano jumping up and down like me before a huge Chiefs play, and James hitting the floor and slapping it silly. This is awesome with a capital A baby!
* Hogan's cold cock of Seacrest is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life that didn't involve monkeys, midgets, or Dusty after a smoke session. That was beyond hilarious. This is friggin hilarious! Hogan ripping the t-shirt in two before taking it off just puts it over the top. I can't begin to do this justice, it's that freaking hilarious.
* Jacob, Thia, Stefano up next. At best, two of these are safe. Jacob first, he's safe. Thia ... grab a stool. Stefano, my puppy / pony / rooster in this race, up next. Grab a stool?!?! Oh sh*t.
* Both of them look ok, probably because there's still Naima or Haley to bail them out. Only ... holy sh*t! Naima's safe! So it has to be Haley right? Holy sh*t! It's Casey! Casey AND Stefano in the bottom three! Hang tight, this could get ugly fast!
* Naima looks genuinely p*ssed at that. I'm guessing Haley puts out and she doesn't.
* 30:26 mark -- I told you it was Joey Logano and Trevor Bayne! Seacrest recognizes them at long last. I don't know much, but I do know NASCAR. And I really want to know who the token, looks happy as hell to be here black guy next to Trevor is. Because he looks really familiar, in a "I should know who this dude is" kind of way. This is gonna drive me bat sh*t crazy until I wake up at 3:34am and think "oh! It's (insert name here) dumbf*ck! How'd you forget that!"
* Time for Jennifer Hudson. Another three minutes of filler before the epic climax to this epic episode.
* Seacrest notes she's "Idol"'s only Oscar winner. Apparently David Hernandez' efforts in his miniseries showcasing his nude dancing capabilities didn't win in the documentary category. Tragic, truly tragic.
* George Huff from season six's top 12 as a backup singer for JHud! Nice to see the field filler still being, uuh, field filler.
* If Seacrest drags this out any longer, it's gonna measure 10 inches and officially qualify as "damn nature! You scary!" sh*t. Come on, get to the damned results already.
* Oh sh*t! Seacrest immediately sends Thia back to safety! Aw Hell No! No! You can NOT send home Stefano! No! No, No, No, No, No!!! Stevo forbids it! No! You can NOT send home Stefano!
* 35:30 mark: Stefano looks completely defeated as he hugs Thia. He looks completely defeated. Like me leaving the denver game in 2009 defeated. This is NOT a good sign.
* Why I Don't Watch This Live: Seacrest just went to commercial. In a related development, I am experiencing severe chest pains and shortness of breath over Stefano possibly getting the boot. But screw my health -- you're damned right I just poured a really stiff vodka and Sprite to brace for this.
* Seacrest welcomes us back. Welcome isn't the word I'm thinking of right now.
* To say that every person on that stage was stunned, and I mean "the jaw descended straight to the center of the earth" stunned, is an understatement. Casey is your lowest vote getter! How the f*ck does this happen! How! Is the American voting public really this god d*mned mother f*cking stupid?!?! (steve checking who our President is). Yup, never mind, we really are this god d*mned mother f*cking stupid.
* 36:41: Randy mouths a "F*ck. Wow". More to come.
* 36:43: Stefano in tears. Casey has turned a very unhealthy shade of white. He's whiter than my bare ass right now, and that is NOT a good thing, seeing as how that thing has never seen the light of day.
* 36:45: a very lengthy "no noise for seven seconds" pause, as FOX takes us from live to the seven second delay. They knew this was coming. God d*mned Janet Jackson showing us her pierced tit on FOX seven years ago. Made this less epic than it could have been.
* 36:54: If Haley's mouth was any more wide open, you'd assume we were two years in the future on the scene of her latest production, "Oral Pleasures 17". To say the contestants are beside themselves, is an understatement.
* 36:58: James and Stefano in tears embracing each other. This one ranks among the most epic upsets in Idol history, behind only Blaker somehow, someway, knocking Melinda Doolittle out in the final three of season six to make the Finals. (You're welcome Mr. Lewis. I'm still awaiting repayment of my text messaging bill from that month, which I believe came to $1,038,385,385,327,375,273.45).
* 37:10: Casey chooses to sing "I Don't Need No Doctor" as his lifesaver performance. Probably a bad choice, given his medical issues.
* 37:16: Seacrest emphasizes we're live again.
* 37:25: Haley's crying like she just finished shooting a scene from her latest motion picture, "Anal Wars 42", coming straight to DVD in October 2015.
* 37:47: Randy halts the proceedings! Whoa! Never before have the judges cut short a lifesaver performance!
* 38:02: to say the judges are visibly pissed at America's vote, is an understatement.
* 38:07: Tyler: "this is crazy wrong". Yup.
* In the nine seconds between that phrase and Tyler saying "we're keeping you on", Casey pukes in his hands, collapses to the stage floor, and is being held up by Seacrest. Basically, me at Harpo's back in the day after dancing to "Bye Bye Bye" on quarter draw night.
* 38:21: he said it! "Oh my f*cking God!" Not even Stevie Wonder can doubt what his lips were reading! Jesus I love this show.
* Casey literally grabbing at his tie, loosening it, he can't breathe. In his defense, every single action he's taken over the last 30 seconds, is exactly what I would have done. Including the "Oh My F*cking God!" blast
* Casey thanking the judges in a completely out of it state of mind. He looks like an extra on "Fiddler on the Roof", but we'll go with it, this is epic live television.
* 38:51: he drops it again, "Oh my f*cking God!" This show is the best.
* 38:58: after hugging Tyler, "I can't f*cking believe it!" Well, if Stefano is my puppy in this show, Casey's definitely my pony.
* 38:59-39:11: complete silence, as Casey sits down and begins talking to Seacrest. I can only imagine what colorful adjectives were used there, and I'm guessing they rhyme with "buck", "whit", and "runt".
* 39:19: Casey goes to hug his mom, who drops the "I love you so much" line on him mid-embrace. The difference between my mom and his -- mine would have beat my ass to a bloody pulp for dropping multiple f bombs on national TV. On the other hand, Dad would have high-fived me and possibly asked for Pia's number. Gotta love the 'rents.
* 40:13: says it "scared the shi .. stuff out of me".
And after some judges advice, we're out.
Epic television. Anyone who says Idol is dead, needs their head examined ...
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