stevo's 2019 nfl predictions: the last place finishers

"There was a time,
When I was so broken hearted;
Love wasn't much
Of a friend of mine.

The tables have turned;
Because me and them ways have parted.
That kind of love?
Was the killing kind.

All I want?
Is someone I can't resist!
And I'll know all I need to know
By the way I got kissed!

I was crying when I met you!
Now I'm trying to forget you!
Your love is sweet?
Misery!

I was trying just to get you;
Now I'm dying 'cause I let you
Do what you do?
Down on me!

Now there's not any breathing room
Between pleasure and pain!
Yeah you cry when we're making love;
Must be one and the same ..."

-- "Cryin'" by Aerosmith.

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Here are your 2019 NFL Season Predictions, broken down into five parts:

Part I: The Last Place Finishers
Part II: The Third Place Finishers
Part III: The Wild Card Contenders
Part IV: The Division Winners
Part V: The Postseason

Also, this is your Week One Power Poll.  As always, 32 is typical New York Jets bad, 1 is typical New England Patriots good.

Enjoy.

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32. Miami Dolphins.
Last Year: 7-9-0, 2nd Place, AFC East.
Prediction: 4-12-0, Last Place, AFC East.

Even after the fire sale, I'm not changing any of their projected victories.  At least Dolphins fans get to take the shirt off and kick the feet up to watch every 37-6 defeat this year.  I wish I could have said that about the 2012 Chiefs and myself.

31. Detroit Lions.
Last Year: 6-10-0, Last Place, NFC Norris.
Prediction: 2-14-0, Last Place, NFC Norris.

What a disaster this is going to be.  At some point, it's not Matt Millen's fault.  #shitorganization

30. Cincinnati Bengals.
Last Year: 6-10-0, Last Place, AFC Norris.
Prediction: 3-13-0, Last Place, AFC Norris.

Sam Wyche and Boomer Esiason ain't walking in that door.

29. Washington Redskins.
Last Year; 7-9-0, 3rd Place, NFC East.
Prediction: 3-13-0, Last Place, NFC East.

Joe Gibbs and Joe Theisman or Mark Rypien ain't walking in that door.  Sadly for Redskins fans, Doug Williams is. 

28. Arizona "Super" Cardinals.
Last Year: 3-13-0, Last Place, NFC West.
Prediction: 4-12-0, Last Place, NFC West.

I actually have the "Super" Cardinals opening 2-1 ... before losing 8 straight.  Still, I have them improving by a game over last year.  #babysteps

27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Last Year: 5-11-0, Last Place, NFC South.
Prediction: 5-11-0, Last Place, NFC South.

If it is possible for a team to repeat its' previous season's performance, yet make significant progress towards its' future, this is that team. 

26. Tennessee Titans.
Last Year; 9-7-0, 3rd Place, AFC South.
Prediction: 7-9-0, Last Place, AFC South.

I have every AFC South team very much alive for a playoff berth entering December.  I have the Titans losing 3 of their last 5, and 5 of their last 8, to fall out of divisional and wild card contention, in a division where there really isn't much separation between all four teams.

And ... for arguably the most controversial, (somewhat) indefensible season pick of the season ...

25. Los Angeles "Super" Chargers.
Last Year: 12-4-0, 2nd Place, AFC West.
Postseason: W Wild Card 23-17 (@ Ravens); L Divisional Round 28-41 (@ Patriots).
Prediction: 7-9-0, Last Place, AFC West.

I have the Chargers losing 5 of their last 7, and 7 of their last 10, to collapse out of the playoff picture.  Or, basically, the opposite of a typical Chargers season, where they bury themselves by Halloween, only to rise from the dead by December.  I'm not buying this team, at all.  Injury issues, holdout issues, still not sold on Anthony Lynn as a coach, and at some point, doesn't 15 years catch up to Phyllis Rivers?  And more to the point, at some point, doesn't his 8, 9, 10 kids at home, matter more to him than risking his future on the field?  I think that point is this season.  And I'm picking the Chargers to be the biggest disappointment in the NFL this season.

the chiefs week one pick

"I remember when you said your father's asleep.
I remember swimming as our clothes drifted off to sea.
So wake up, wake up dreaming, and lie here with me.
Wake up, wake up dreaming, and lie here with me.

Here we go!
Just lose control and let your body give in
To the beat of your heart,
As my hand touches your skin --

Is this love, or just sexual desire?
We gotta start a fire! ...

I remember drinking as the stars were falling.
I remember dancing on the hotel's unmade bed.
So wake up, wake up dreaming, and lie here with me.
Wake up, wake up dreaming, and lie here with me!

Here we go!
Just lose control and let your body give in
To the beat of your heart,
As my hand touches your skin --

Is this love?  Or just sexual desire?
We gotta start a fire! ..."

-- "Start a Fire" by Ryan Star.

--------------------

And so ... it begins.

The latest, greatest, most hyped Chiefs season of my lifetime.

(For the record, I will turn 43 on Wild Card Weekend this season.  I know, I know -- how can someone as hot as me, be about to turn 43?)

And in my 42 years on this planet so far -- 33 of them as a known Chiefs fan -- I can only think of four seasons that were more hyped entering the opener, than 2019 is.

1994.  1996.  1998.  and 2004.

Each of them were hyped for good reason.  The 1993 Chiefs won the division for the first time in twenty plus years, and made the AFC Title Game for the first time since 1969.  The 1995 Chiefs went 13-3 and had home field advantage throughout the playoffs.  Ditto the 1997 Chiefs.  The 2003 Chiefs also went 13-3, but only earned the two seed (because, you know, #patriots).

Chiefs fans?  If we're guilty of one thing ... well, we're guilty of many things.  But if we're definitely guilty of one thing, it is of having a very, very, very long memory.

1994?  After a 3-0 start, the Chiefs tumbled to 7-7, before rallying to take the last two and earn a wild card berth, before losing said wild card game at Miami 17-27.  Also, the AFC West Champion San Diego "Super" Chargers made the Super Bowl.  Ouch.

1996?  After a 4-0 start, and getting to 9-4, the Chiefs lost their last three, to miss the playoffs at 9-7 after Morten Anderson missed a 20 yard attempt in Jacksonville.  Which in hindsight, I can live with: the Chiefs would have been throttled in Buffalo to open the postseason ... whereas the Jags upset the Bills, then beat the AFC West Champion those people at Real Mile High in the Divisional Round.

1998?  After a 4-1 start, the Chiefs lost six straight, finished 7-9, the locker room imploded, Marty quit, and off all the indignities suffered, those people cheated their way to a second straight Lombardi Trophy. 

2004?  After an 0-3 start, the Chiefs rallied to 3-4 entering what should have been a gimme two game road trip against two god-awful NFC South squads.  Instead, the Chiefs lost four straight, finished 7-9, and the worst NFL season of my life (to say nothing of arguably the worst year of my life), ended spectacularly awfully.

And now, here we sit, the most anticipated year in fifteen years upon us.  The fifth time in my lifetime the Chiefs are a popular pick -- if not a heavy favorite -- to finally bring Lamar's Trophy home, and take a shot at that Lombardi dude's silver.

--------------------

Only this time, it feels different, right?

Because of one person.

Patrick Lavon Mahomes II.

1994, the Chiefs got the last gasp of Joe Montana, who retired after the season.  1996 the Chiefs got Steve Bono * .  1998 the Chiefs got Elvis Grbac and Dick Gannon.  2004 the Chiefs got Trent Green.

None of those gentlemen was a disgrace to the QB position.  But none of them was Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" either.

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(*: Bono's record as a starter in KC?  21-10 (68%), 594/1075 (55%), 6,489 yards (209 yards/gm), 37 TDs, 27 INTs.  Those are damned good numbers for the mid 1990s.  Also -- 21-10, and really that's not fair, it should be 21-8, since he was 0-2 as Mr. Montana's backup in 1994.  Either way, he won 2 out of every 3 games he started here.  Yet he was benched, despite the 1996 Chiefs standing at 8-4 at the time of his benching.  You won't find a bigger defender of Mr. Bono than me.)

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I mentioned on Twitter earlier this week that I had no idea what to write for the Chiefs section this week, and I meant it.  This was all I had.  It's pathetic, it's embarrassing ... but there's a reason I struggled this week.

(damien voice) oh no.  Oh f*ck no!  You're not allowe --
(stevo voice) (sighing in disgust) I'm sorry.

I have a really, really, really bad feeling about this one.

The Week One Upset O' The Week.

* at Jaguars (+4 1/2) 28, Chiefs 24.

Remember though -- it's just one week.  And as noted in the Coaches Power Poll, I believe "Fat" Andy will get his 200th career win in Week Six.  Which means I have us reeling off five straight after this one.  (Note: the season picks will be up by Monday.  I had to revamp a couple after some of the trades made at the cut deadline last week * cough Seattle cough Houston *.) 

Also, if I did the math right, the next post is Post 950.  Which means that if I get motivated enough, Post 1,000 is in sight by December.  I may be the only one ... but that's something I'm kinda proud of.

Until next time -- hey!  Let's be careful out there ...

week one non chiefs picks

"Hey hey!  Hey hey!
Hey hey!  Hey!

Hey hey!  Hey hey!
Hey hey!  Hey!

Simmer down, simmer down --
They say we're too young now,
To amount to anything else.

But look around --
We've worked too damned hard for this,
Just to give it up now.

If you don't swim?
You'll drown.
But don't move honey --

(Because) you look so perfect standing there!
In my American Apparel underwear!
And I know now?  That I'm so down!

Your lipstick stain?  Is a work of art!
I've got your name tattooed in an arrow heart!
And I know now?  That I'm so down!

Hey hey!  Hey hey!
Hey hey!  Hey!

Hey hey!  Hey hey!
Hey hey!  Hey! ...

... You look so perfect standing there!
In my American Apparel underwear!
And I know now?  That I'm so down!

Your lipstick stain?  Is a work of art!
I've got your name tattooed in an arrow heart!
And I know now?  That I'm so down!

Hey hey!  Hey hey!
Hey hey!  Hey!

Hey hey!  Hey hey!
Hey hey!  Hey! ..."

-- "She Looks So Perfect" by Five Seconds of Summer.

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So here we go folks, this annual public service from me towards you.

See, I'm amongst the worst sports gamblers you'll ever meet, because I tend to bet with my heart, and not with my head.  Hence, I provide you, the gambling public, my straight-up and against-the-spread predictions each week, so you know who not to bet on.

In addition to gambling information, this post usually contains other stuff that matters to me at the time, as well as the Chiefs motivational thoughts and prediction.  In years past, there was one section I enjoyed writing more than all the others combined.  But given the events here in lovely Kansas City's media market this summer, I'm not sure how I'm going to replace losing that source of humor and stupidity.  But I'll try.

Here we go!

The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Best Guesses:

* Packers (+3) 34, at Bears 14.  I'm way higher on the Packers this year than I should be.  That, or I'm still high from the weekend.  Either way, I like the Packers here.

* at Vikings (-4) 24, "Shane" Falcons 17.  This one could have significant playoff ramifications come December 29th.

* at Eagles (-9) 41, Redskins 10.  I have a fantasy football buddy who is a huge Redskins fan.  Someone might want to check in with Will multiple times during every 'Skins game this season to check on his physical well-being.  Just saying.  Also, "Empty Nest Game O' The Week" honors.

* Ravens 25, at Dolphins (+6 1/2) 24.  In the schedule run (coming soon!), I actually picked the Dolphins to win this.  I'm not buying what John Harbaugh and Lamar Jackson are selling.

* at Browns (-5 1/2) 31, Titans 20.  Are we really ready for the Browns to be relevant for the first time since the late 1980's?

* at Panthers (+3) 30, Rams 24.  Sneaky good noon game I hope FOX 4 offers here locally.  (Checking the FOX 4 programming schedule ...) Hot damn!  We do get this one!  Woo!  Freaking!  Hoo!

* at Seahawks (-9 1/2) 41, Bengals 0.  They could drive this line into the mid teens and I'd still take Seattle.  At home.  Against an atrocious Bengals squad.  (Which, of course, means the Bengals are winning 20-10.)  "ALF Game O' The Week!" honors.

* at "Super" Chargers 23, Colts (+6) 21.  One of these two squads is finishing dead last in their division; the other one will enter December squarely in the thick of both their divisional and wild card races.

* 49ers (+1) 27, at Bucs 20.  "Good Times Game O' The Week!" honors.

* at "Super" Cardinals (+2 1/2) 23, Lions 13.  One of those "I wish it was the late 1990's still" matchups.  How awesome (and by "awesome", I mean "tear inducing hysterical"), how awesome would a Vince Tobin / Wayne "Rasputin" Fontes matchup be to open the season?  Sh*t, they might make the 007 slapper mode look fun!

* at Cowboys (-7) 41, Giants 3.  I don't care if Zeke suits up or not.  This is going to be an ass kicking of biblical proportions.  Also, how nice of the NFL to give us Giants at Cowboys to open the season for the what, eighth straight year?  There are other teams America cares to see NFL.  I know that comes as a great shock to you, but most of us would be perfectly cool seeing Saints / Rams here.  (Which we get next week!)

* Steelers (+5 1/2) 31, at Patriots 27.  The Pats sh*t the bed at home to open the season the last time they won a Super Bowl.  Let's hope that trend continues.

* at Saints 31, Texans (+7) 30.  This line is patently absurd.

* at raiders (-1) 27, those people 24.  As always, a public service reminder: if terrorists strike the whatever the hell it's called nowadays Coliseum during this game, it is not a national tragedy.  In fact, quite the opposite -- it is cause for a national celebration.

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For the new, or those who forget easily, there are certain designations a game can receive each week.  These designations are handed out because I would rather watch a three hour block of the sh*ttacular sitcom attached to said game, than the game itself.  In order from worst game o' the week, to not as worse ...

1. "Good Times".  I actually love "Good Times", but it has not aged well.
2. "ALF".  The second worst sitcom of all time.  The only one worse is so horrific, I only use it ... well, we'll get there in a moment.
3. "Empty Nest".  Quick -- if you can name NBC's Saturday night lineup entering the 1990's, I'll let you raid my cooler at the home opener tailgate, so should you choose.  (Note: cooler will likely contain vodka, apple juice, and a boat load of Shiner Bock.  Pick wisely.)  Answer coming momentarily.
4. "Webster".  Let's all hope and pray we never have to go this deep.

And finally ...

5. "One Day At A Time".  Yup.  This is it.  (This is it!)  This is without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- the single sh*ttiest, worst, most god-awful television show of my lifetime!  There is nothing else even in contention for that "honor".  When this designation gets hauled out, you know somebody done f*cked up and failed epically in creating that week's schedule.

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Your trivia answer above?  "227", "Amen", "Golden Girls", "Empty Nest", "Hunter".  And to think people wonder why nobody stays home to watch television on Saturday nights anymore.

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The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week:

Well, this was an unexpected (happy) casualty this summer.

For those of you who missed it, the scourge of Kansas City radio, Kaptain Klassy, was fired by 810 WHB in late June for Ol' Kev's stated belief that "Fat" Andy Reid was responsible for the drug overdose that killed his son seven years ago.

Setting aside how incredibly insensitive and stupid "K"KK's comments were ... his refusal to apologize, and play himself as the victim, was even more incredibly insensitive and stupid.  To say nothing of self-righteous and hypocritical.

His last tweets (the poor kook hasn't tweeted since right before his removal from all things 810 WHB) reveal just how klueless el kapitan was:

So ... the immediate question becomes, what do I do, with this segment of the post?  I mean, I've been savaging El Kapitan No Los Pantalones for six years in this column on a weekly basis!  What do you say about someone whose Karma has finally bitten him in his proverbial (if not actual) ass, and seen him kicked to the kurb?

Normally I'd say you kiss him off via a dignified and klassy kareer kongratulations, but there's nothing dignified or klassy about Ol' Kietz.  I mean, if he was to appear in a Judgment Ray kommercial to purchase a kar, the screw wouldn't be through him, it'd be in front of him, proudly exposed like ... well, like a kid at heart in a (possible) Kia on a Perfect Village kul-de-sac (or at least kurbside) at the turn of the kentury.  (Or is that Kietzery?  I swear to Christ -- excuse me, Khrist -- these k jokes write themselves.  Because I sure as krap ain't taking kredit for them (rimshot!))

In all seriousness, it is truly sad how Kaptain Konfident and Klassy klosed out his kareer even sketchier than "Kat Piss" Don Fortunato did.

And oh, the blessed irony -- of all people, Soren Petro wound up replacing both "Kat Piss" and "El Kapitan No Los Pantalones", when both kareers came to a krash and burn, at least a decade after each kareer should have.

So going forward, I think there's only one thing to do with this section, and that's simply let any of you who wish to share a favorite "K"KK moment of yours with me, and I'll let you post it unedited, save for font and size.  I think Ol' Kev needs a konfidence booster, don't you? 

Konsider it done.

Oh -- and until then?

Thanks for the memories, Klassic Kietz.  We'll always have you falling back-asswards drunk out of a blackjack chair at Harrah's after the KSU / Iowa game in 2000.  (kasey kasem voice) Stevo, here is your request, and long-distance dedication: "Kherish", by Kool and the Gang:



The Tailgating Plans:

There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is not a game I will be attending.

The Watching Party Plans:

The Watching Party Plans depend upon the weather.

If the current forecast (mid 80's, partly cloudy, not much chance of rain) holds, then we'll be on The Deck, enjoying the afternoon outdoors.  If the forecast changes to include mostly rain, then we're headed down to McFadden's to take advantage of their generous gift card offerings for bringing The Bus for the homegate they put on every road game.

If we're on The Deck, I'm on, uuh, deck to cook, which means I'll make the only three things I know how to make semi-competently: jalapeno poppers, taco soup, and (sighing in resigned acceptance) I'll come out of retirement to make jello shots.  (Cue "the congregation" cheering.)  Because with all due respect, if anyone can make an alcohol-infused item better than me, I'd love to meet them.  Because nobody -- and I do mean nobody -- has more experience mixing and matching booze and mixers, than me.  At least nobody who reads this site on a regular basis anyways.  And given there's about a core readership of 45-50 people based on the stats, I feel confident in saying that.

If we're at McFadden's, have at it.  They usually give us $300 to show up; anything our tab amounts to above the amount given, we all split equally.  That's the deal.  If you all have is a couple wings and a beer, and the tab hits $600, you don't get to flake.  You owe your 1/however show up share of the overage.  There aren't many things in life I won't tolerate, but an Alan Harper-style cheapskate is definitely on that short list.

Stevo's Cocktail O' The Week:

In the summer, I tend to switch to vodka based libations, and white wine.  (What?  Both go great with BLT's!)

In the fall, I tend to switch back to a whiskey / bourbon and some mixer.

So today's drink is one last salute to summer ... and I have to blame Amanda for this one.

Truly Black Cherry Hard Seltzer.

Jesus, this stuff is addicting.  It's black cherry flavored seltzer that's 5% booze.  It gets you appropriately hammered in a pool.  (Or The Pool -- your choice.)  It's crisp, it's refreshing, it's more potent than most beer sold in a state I grew up in, located less than a mile from where I live (or approximately a mile -- I've never measured the true distance between Madison Avenue and State Line Road).  And again -- it's addicting.  I can (and have) plowed through a twelve pack in less than three hours, and still been thirsty for more.  (Which is about the only negative -- it doesn't exactly get you lit up.)

Still, if you're a weak drinker (aka "not related to me"), or a non-drinker interested in crossing over to the intoxicated side, give this sh*t a try.  It isn't half bad.

The Flashback:

"Fat" Andy Reid's first game with the Chiefs was to open the 2013 season ... in Jacksonville.  The Chiefs won 28-2, in a game that the Jags scored first via a special teams safety ... and the Jags didn't reach midfield until late in the 4th quarter, let alone cross it.

For the first time since then, the Chiefs return to Jacksonville.  (They've hosted the Jags twice since -- a victory in 2016, and a victory last year.)  Ironically, Jags QB Nick "Big D*ck" Foles started for the Chiefs in that 2016 victory over the Jaguars.

Still, there's only one Jaguars game worth a Flashback, and that was the season finale in 2006, in which Part IV of the Immaculate Eight-fecta occured: a 35-30 Chiefs victory in the snowy confines of Terrorhead:



Let's just say, December 31, 2006, is amongst my most cherished days of my Chiefs fandom existence.

"Disreputable" Mexican Food Truck Update:

So when this section started two years ago, it was an output spawned by my new job down in Midtown.  There was this shady, sleazy looking food truck that you'd swear on your newborn kid's life had to be one violation shy of permanent condemnation by the KCMO health department ... only the food was so good, you couldn't stop going to it for lunch 2-3 times a week.

Then this section evolved to things I love(d) about KCMO proper -- and for the uninitiated drunk and/or stoned stumbling onto this site, welcome!  I'm one of you!  I'm usually both!

But anyways, for the uninitiated, this section evolved last year into my praising and b*tching all things KCMO as they arose.  From the endless water main construction on South Broadway last fall, to all the awesome little shops and restaurants that exist along South Broadway.  From the (still ongoing!) replacing and rebuilding of 81st Street, to the (just started!) reconstruction of 75th and Wornall due to water main and sewer issues.  From the (somewhat fixed!) potholes on Ward Parkway on the drive in, to the (never gonna get done!) remodel of my Price Chopper at 84th and Wornall.

(Note: the rebuild is finally, truly beginning!  The old Church's was tore down this weekend, and the two abandoned houses behind the dumpster everyone uses to get around KCMO's two bag limit were tore down too!  I swear to God, you leave for like three days, and sh*t finally starts getting done around here!)

So for year three, I'm not sure what it's gonna be, but hopefully each week gives y'all a lil' glimpse into who this self-centered delusional drunken stoned moron is.

And for this week, I give you my Political Compass.  (Or, in deference one last time to Klassy Kevin, should it be "Kompass"?)  I promise to keep these posts as politic-free as possible going forward ... but I was stunned at how f*cking accurate this test was, at least for me.

Feel free to test it out for yourself -- it costs you nothing other than ten minutes of time you'd probably waste surfing PornHub anyways.

The Jets Prediction:

Who's ready for Season Two with Browning Nagle 2.0!!!!!

(stevo bashing his head against the table.)

When I post my season picks (probably Friday), you'll see I'm not high on Gang Green this year ... although when you look at the non-Jets predictions, you might think I'm high on some, uuh, green, from The Green Solution.

(You wouldn't necessarily be wrong.)

* at Jets (-3) 24, Bills 20.

The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication:

Coming tomorrow ...

stevo's 2019 nfl coaches power poll

"Well, she's all you'd ever want --
She's the kind I like to flaunt
And take to dinner!

And she always knows her place --
She's got style, she's got grace;
She's a winner!

She's a lady!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, she's a lady!
Talking about that little lady!
And the lady is mine! ..."

-- "She's a Lady" by Tom Jones.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh come on!  There's at least fifteen thousand women out there who'd do a better job, than half the coaches in this thing! ...

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And now, for at least the twentieth year, is the annual exercise in abject stupidity: the NFL Head Coaches Power Poll.

I know this thing dates back to (at least) the fall of 2000, when "The Voice of Reason" and myself had a spirited debate after the Chiefs rallied to close down Real Mile High in style, over where Gunther "Confident and Classy" Cunningham ranked amongst the league's coaches.

Sadly, this thing is nowhere near as fun twenty years later, as teams have generally speaking, figured out how to distinguish between a clueless dolt named Mike, and a semi-competent dude named Mike.

(There was a time about fifteen years ago when it seemed half the league's head coaches were named Mike.  As in shanahan, Holmgren, Martz, Sherman, "Meathead" Tice, Mularkey, Nolan, and at least a couple I'm forgetting.)

As always, this is a subjective Power Poll composed of one voter: me.

And as always, a few ground rules:

1. The lower your number, the better the coach.  Or, to phrase it in terms anyone can understand, 1 trumps 32.  (And God, how I hate that simply using the word “trumps” repulses me.)

2. 1 is Chuck Noll good; 32 is Ray Rhodes / Rich Kotite awful.  

3. Anyone who appears as a lower number than your coach, I prefer to your coach.  For example, my team’s coach is “Fat” Andy Reid.  Let’s say “Fat” Andy checks in at number four in this exercise.  If you’re ranked 5^th or lower, I’d keep “Fat” Andy as my coach over you.  If you’re ranked 3^rd or higher, I’d fire “Fat” Andy to hire you. 

And finally

4. I tend to be very hard on first year coaches.  Because it’s hard to know the career trajectory of these dudes.  For example, let’s say your team’s coach posted these results in his first three seasons at the helm:

Year One: 12-4, Division Title, L Conference Championship.

Year Two: 12-4, Division Title, W Super Bowl.

Year Three: 10-6, Division Title, L Divisional Round.

You’d expect that dude to have a solid four, five years left at the helm, right?

The dude who posted those three seasons … was Barry Switzer, from 1994-1996.  He was fired after going 6-10 in 1997.

Conversely, let’s say your team’s coach posted these results in his first three years at the helm:

Year One: 2-3, no titles or postseason.

Year Two: 7-9, no titles or postseason.

Year Three: 6-10, no titles or postseason.

You’d expect that dude to be fired, right?

The dude who posted those three seasons … was Wayne Fontes, who then proceeded to make the playoffs four of the next five years, including posting the Lions only postseason win (to date) of the Super Bowl era in that stretch.

(In the interest of full disclosure, I lived in Dallas during the Switzer years, and have always considered him a grousely underrated head coach.  Even with all the injuries in 1997, he still had Dallas at 6-6, facing a 4th and 2 to save the season on that fateful Monday night against Carolina, before the floor collapsed via a 5 game losing streak to end his career.  Also, Wayne "Rasputin" Fontes is also my favorite head coach of all time.  You gotta love a dude who leads a franchise in both career wins and career losses.)

Got it?  Good.  Let’s knock this one out, because God knows the season predictions post(s) don’t write themselves.

Let alone see the schedule runs fill themselves out …

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32. Matt Patricia, Detroit Lions.  6-10 in year one may be his career high water mark.  I get that some people are high on the Lions this year.  I’m not one of them … although I make no promises that I am anything but high, in compiling this Power Poll.

31. Brian Flores, Miami Dolphins.  Probably the latest Belichick assistant to fail epically away from the Mother Ship.  I wasn’t impressed with this hire.  I sure as all hell wouldn’t have sh*t canned Adam Gase for him.  And as you’ll see momentarily?  That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement of Mr. Gase.

30. Kliff Kingsbury, Arizona “Super” Cardinals.  All you need to know about this dude, is that he couldn’t win with Patrick Mahomes “Of The Chiefs” as his quarterback.  Unless you believe Kyler Murray is better than Mr. Mahomes (and if you do, I can recommend a few reasonably competent mental health professionals for you to talk to), this isn’t going to end well.

29. Zac Taylor, Cincinnati Bengals.  Of all the first year dudes, I think he’ll be the one to stick around the longest.  If only because Mike Brown won’t pay him to sit and do nothing to earn his contract.

28. Pat Shurmur, New York Giants.  Christ.  How did this guy get a second shot?  What, pray tell, did anyone see in his two years in Cleveland to make them think “this guy knows what he’s doing”?  My pick for first fired head coach, and I predict it’ll happen before Halloween.

27. vic fangio, those people.  Hang on.  (stevo literally crying from laughing so hard.)  Hold on.  (stevo unable to stop laughing.)  OK, ok, I swear, this time guys, I can do thi – (stevo erupting into uncontrollable laughter and tears of joy).  And to think – he’s without question – (allard baird voice) without question! – a 200% upgrade over vance joseph!  (stevo unable to stop laughing.)  Please, those people – never fire satan.  He’s doing an outstanding job as your general manager!  (stevo howling with joy and uncontrollable laughter at the latest those people mistake.)

26. Adam Gase, New York Jets.  Hang on.  (stevo bashing his head against his desk).  Hold on.  (stevo crying tears of sorrow and terror.)  OK, ok, I swear, this time guys, I can do thi – (stevo chugging a handle of Tito’s vodka).  And to think – he’s without question – (allard baird voice) without question! – a 200% upgrade over Todd Bowles!  (stevo resuming chugging said Tito’s vodka).  At least the Jets did have the common sense to fire their general manager.

25. Matt LaFleur, Green Bay Packers.  As will become evident when my season picks go up later this week, I have the Packers in the playoffs, for what it’s worth.  But then again, even Mike McCarthy was usually good for a division title and a playoff win each year with Aaron Rodgers at the helm, so that’s not saying much.

24. Mike Vrabel, Tennessee Titans.  Here’s a helpful hint Titans: if you’re gonna fire a coach who wins a playoff game at Arrowhead, because he isn’t winning enough?  You damned well better not hire a coach who posts the same damned record (9-7), and then sh*ts the bed at home in a de facto playoff game to end the season.  Vrabel probably won’t see season three, and deservedly so.

23. Freddie Kitchens, Cleveland Browns.  As will become evident when my season picks go up later this week, I have him as the most successful of the first year coaches.  Which probably says more about the quality of the first year head coaches, than it does Mr. Kitchens.

22. Kyle Shanahan, San Francisco 49ers.  I think the guy can coach.  God knows I trembled in fear watching my team face his dad (at least) twice a year for two decades.  But if he doesn’t start live up to the hype this fall, I highly doubt he gets a 4^th year to earn his reputation.

21. Jason Garrett, Dallas Cowboys.  Think back, Chiefs fans, to my statement after the 2006 season, that Herm Edwards had accomplished as much in one year, as Richard A. Vermeil did in five (namely, reach the playoffs once, and then lose a competitive playoff game Indy once we got there).  

(Also -- "Fat" Andy managed the same "success", to open his tenure here in Kansas City.)

So what, pray tell, of meaningful value has Jason Garrett won in his decade at the helm?  Jerry Jones used to fire two time defending Super Bowl coaches for speaking out of turn after a bourbon or six too many at the hotel bar.  What does Mr. Garrett have on Mr. Jones to keep his job for this long?  Kiddie clown porn?  I would hope it’s Super Bowl or demotion for Mr. Garrett.  This team is far too talented to crap out in the Divisional Round again.  Let alone open 3-5 or worse yet again.

20. Doug Marrone, Jacksonville Jaguars.  On the positive side, once a bright, intelligently run NFL franchise hires current Syracuse coach Dino Babers after this season to helm their franchise, at least Mr. Marrone can go back to his former stomping grounds, and demolish all the progress Mr. Babers has made over the last three years.  Because Ol’ Doug’s gonna be looking for a new job this offseason.  If not by Week Seven.

19. Mike Zimmer, Minnesota Vikings.  When 8-7-1 is rock bottom, you’re a pretty solid coach.  Also, from this point on, I’d be fine with any of these gentlemen coaching the Kansas City Chiefs.  I’d just prefer a select handful of the remaining gentlemen on this list, over the majority of the field, as my coach.

18. Ron “Riverboat” Rivera, Carolina Panthers.  In the interest of full disclosure, I love coaches who play the odds on 4^th down, versus those who punt like a p*ssy.  Nobody plays the odds better than Ol’ Riverboat.  Then again, I always double 11 no matter what, I'll double a 10 against anything other than an ace, and I ran up over $30,000 in gambling losses in my 20's.  So what the hell do I know about successfully navigating the gambling odds against you?

17. Jay Gruden, Washington Redskins.  I wouldn’t wish working under Dan “Chainsaw” Snyder on my worst enemy.  (Pause).  OK, fine, I would.  But other than my worst enemy or five, I wouldn’t wish working under Mr. Snyder on anyone else in my life.

16. Bruce Arians, Tampa Bay Bucs.  If Jameis can’t get his sh*t together under Mr. Arians and Byron Leftwich, he’s finished.  Those are two of the brightest offensive minds in the sport.  Tampa will stun a few teams this year, and probably beat one or two squads they have no business beating, because of the brain trust on the sidelines.  And it’s been a long, long time since the words “brain trust” were associated with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in a positive way.

15. Frank “Third” Reich, Indianapolis Colts.  I get Andrew Luck retired.  Having said that, there is no game on the home schedule that terrifies me more, than the Indianapolis Colts.  “Third” Reich is a damned good coach.  He’ll have Jacoby Brissett and the boys ready to go.  That Sunday Nighter to open October is gonna be a grizzley bear.  Also, Indy will be in the thick of both the AFC South and AFC Wild Card races entering December, even without Captain Luck and his squirrel oil.

(Also, slightly off topic: now that five years has passed, I'm still furious over the Chiefs collapse in Indy on my 37th birthday.  Having said that, now that five years have passed, I can only think of one sporting event I've ever attended that I'd rank as greater than that Wild Card game: the 2014 AL Wild Card game.  Who knew the two best (so far) games I'd ever attend, would be (a) in the same year, (b) see epic, "what are the f*cking odds" rallies by the home team to win, and (c) would lead to this, this, and this, to recap the events?  OK, fine, you may have seen (c) coming.  But I certainly never saw (a) or (b).)

14. jon “chucky” gruden, oakland raiders.  They’re closer to a Wild Card berth than the cellar.  That’s a solid improvement entering year two.

13. John Harbaugh, Baltimore Ravens.  If he can drag this Ravens team to the playoffs, he has to be considered a coaching genius.  Because I’m not seeing it, six days out from the Ravens opener.

12. Dan Quinn, Atlanta “Shane” Falcons.  A perfectly decent head coach who’s probably already hit his career ceiling – winning a conference title.

11. Anthony Lynn, Los Angeles “Super” Chargers.  I’ve rarely been more wrong about a coach, than I was about Mr. Lynn last year.  (I believe I had him rated 29^th or 30^th; I’m too lazy to go back and look it up.)  I plan to be completely and totally wrong about him again this year, by ranking him this high.

10. Omar Epps Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh Steelers.  If the Rooney family is stupid enough to fire this dude, there’ll be at least fifteen other teams fighting amongst themselves, Battle Royale style, to hire him.  The guy has never finished worse than .500.  He’s earned the right to survive a second mediocre year in a row, should it come to that.

9. Sean McDermott, Buffalo Bills.  He’s (almost) .500 in Buffalo, with a playoff berth, for crying out loud.  With Tyrod Taylor and Josh Allen under center to boot!  I can’t wait to see what this guy does with credible talent, like (sssshhhh!!!!!) the Bills have assembled this season.

8. Matt Nagy, Chicago Bears.  The latest in a long line of winning coaches to be plucked from a “Fat” Andy Reid staff.  Although seriously dude, it's not that hard to find a semi-decent place kicker.  The Chiefs grabbed ours off the Panthers practice squad.  We plucked our previous one off the crime-riddled streets of Brazil.  And before Mr. Santos, we drafted Mr. Irrelevant and enjoyed his successful run, before Mr. Succup left for Tennessee.  

7. Sean McVay, Los Angeles Rams.  I know – I probably have him four spots too low.  Other than Number Three to come (and I freely admit that one is pure bias), you tell me who you’d rank Mr. McVay over, of the six coaches left to come.

6. Pete Carroll, Seattle Seahawks.  Arguably the second most successful college coach to jump to the NFL (behind Jimmy Johnson).  Provided you ignore his two previous pro coaching tenures of course (Jets, Patriots).  The only reason he doesn’t rate higher than six with me is because he allowed the Dan Marino fake spike on his watch, and twenty five years later, I’m still ready to punch him in the throat for that indefensible display of, uuh, defensive incompetence.

5. Doug Pederson, Philadelphia Eagles.  I can only think of one other coach who won a Super Bowl in my lifetime, with a backup quarterback who entered the lineup in December due to the starter’s injury, and that’s Bill Parcells with Jeff Hostetler of your 1990 New York Giants.  What else needs to be said about Mr. Pederson’s coaching ability?

(I know -- Bill Belichick won a Super Bowl with his backup QB in Tom Brady in 2001.  But Mr. Brady entered in Week Three, not Week Fourteen.  Replacing your starting QB in early December is infinitely more difficult than replacing him in mid September.  Also, if you include Belichick / Brady, it just makes what Pederson / Foles did look even more impressive, if we're being honest here.)

4. Sean Payton, New Orleans Saints.  We’ll know in three years, four at the most, what truly drove the Saints success these last fifteen years: the coach or the quarterback.  The fact I have Mr. Payton ranked 4^th, tells you which one I believe the answer to be.

3. Bill O’Brien, Houston Texans.  The man saved Penn State football.  (Sorry, that’s not up for debate.  I love the job James Franklin has done … but Bill O’Brien saved that program.)  The man has finished worse than 9-7 once in his five years in Houston (2017).  He’s won three division titles – two of them with Brian Hoyer and “Brave” Brock Osweiler under center.  Christ, he won a playoff game with “Brave” Brock at the helm!  Now that he’s got his stud under center in Deshaun Watson, look out.  Last year was just the beginning.

2. “Fat” Andy Reid, Kansas City Chiefs.  It will be an upset of Biblical proportions for “Fat” Andy to not get career victory 200 before the Chiefs bye in Week Twelve.  He’s five away from that magical mark, and the Chiefs have five home games, plus roadies at the Jags, raiders, and Titans, before the bye.  He'll get there, I believe in Week Six.  

(So you're saying you have the Chiefs opening 5-1?  Yes, yes I am.)

Also, and I’m not just saying this as a Chiefs fan, although certainly it impacts my viewpoint: I so admire this man.  He’s not only the brightest offensive mind in football, he’s not only one of the greatest coach-groomers in NFL history, but most impressively, he was the driving influence that FINALLY got “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman fired this summer from 810 Sports Radio.  (Also, I love that he still refuses to return Kaptain Klassy’s phone calls of “apology”.  I love people who hold a grudge against people that disrespect them, irregardless of whether said disrespect was intentional or not.  (Pause).  Not that I’m one of those people.)

Now if he could do something about Brooke Pryor …

1. Bill Belichick, New England Patriots.  How can you pick anyone else?  As painful as that AFC Title Game was, I finally forced myself to go back and watch the second half and overtime.  (The Patriots led 14-0 at the half.)  The second half was watching two of the greatest of all time throw everything – up to and including the proverbial kitchen sink – onto that field, desperately trying to (“survivor” voice) out think, outwit, and out last the other.  Especially in the fourth quarter.  It was, in the words of Jim Mora Jr., in describing arguably the best NFL game of my lifetime (1998 NFC Wild Card – 49ers 30, Packers 27), it was “really neat!”

Mr. Belichick has posted 18 consecutive winning seasons.  I believe only the 49ers from 1981-1998 (across three different coaches) have managed to come close to that mark (they posted 17 of 18 winning seasons, with only the 1982 strike season failing to come up on the positive side of .500.)  He’s made the playoffs 16 of those 18 seasons.  (The 1981-1998 49ers made the playoffs 16 of 18 as well, missing in 1982 and 1991.)  He’s reached eight – eight! – straight AFC Title Games.  He’s simply put, one of, if not the, greatest coaches of all time.

And to think he was fired, so that Art Modell could hire Ted Marchibroda …

2018 chiefs in review

"The way you used to touch me?
Felt so fine.
We kept our hearts together
Down the line.

A moment in the soul?
Can last forever.
Comfort and keep us --
Help me bring the feeling back again.

Didn't we almost have it all?
When love was all we had worth giving?
The ride with you?  Was worth the fall, my friend!
('Cause) loving you?  Makes life worth living!

Didn't we almost have it all!
The night we held on 'til the morning!
You know you'll never love that way again --
But didn't we almost have it all!

Didn't we have the best of times,
When love was young and new?
Couldn't we reach inside and find,
The world of me and you?

We'll never lose it again --
'Cause once you know
What love is?
You'll never let it end!

Didn't we almost have it all!
When love was all we had worth giving!
The ride with you?  Was worth the fall, my friend!
Didn't we almost have it all!

Didn't we almost have it all!!!!! ... "

-- "Didn't We Almost Have It All" by Whitney Houston.

--------------------

The 2018 Chiefs Year in Review from me: The Bests, The Worsts, The Memorable, The Questionable, The Highs, The Lows ... and the Single Greatest Moment of my Chiefs Fandom Life (So Far).

Which somehow?  Was not the game I had literally waited my entire life (42 years and counting) to witness in person.

Enjoy?

--------------------

* Best Game (Quality): at Rams, Week Eleven.  If you wanted to pick either Patriots game, I totally get it ... but both Pats games saw putrid (at best) Chiefs efforts in the first half -- they trailed by fifteen in the first matchup at the half, trailed by fourteen in the second.  The Rams game, on the other hand, was an absolute shootout from the moment the game began, and literally came down to the final pass of the game -- one of the very few times Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" actually failed to lead the comeback.  (He was intercepted on the Chiefs final drive, down three, with under a minute to play.) 

This game was phenomenal, and the entire country was turned back on to this sport all over again because of this game.  Seems obvious this was the best one of the year for the Red and Gold -- if not the entire sport -- quality wise.

* Worst Game (Quality): at Seahawks, Week Sixteen.  The only game all season the Chiefs really were never a part of.  If ever a seven point finale was a false front, it was this one.  Seattle should have won by twenty.  And damned near did.

* Best Game (Entertainment): at those people, Week Four.  I was there.  It was worth every penny of the price of admission.  #2ndand30 #lefthanded

* Worst Game (Entertainment): vs "Super" Chargers, Week Fifteen.  The Chiefs no-show most of the second half, the Chargers convert two fourth and longs on their final drive, then win the game on a two point conversion with 0:04 remaining.  Also, it was below freezing, in prime time, on a "school night" (aka "have to work the next day").  Not ideal conditions to be "entertained".

But hey -- it did deliver this sweet panoramic view of Section 132 during the National Anthem:

(Image Credit: me, via my iPhone 8 something.)

* Best Play: Mahomes to Hill, 4th and 9, vs Ravens, Week Fourteen.  There are many to choose from ... but how can this one be topped?  Ravens 24, Chiefs 17, Chiefs (after a false start) backed up to their own 40 with 1:30 to go.

And then, this happened.

Of every jaw dropping, eye popping, cheek smacking play Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" made this season, this one tops them all in my book.

* Worst Play: Pick a 3rd and 10 in overtime, vs Patriots, AFC Championship.  I know there are many other plays most of you would pick from the AFC Title Game rather than these ... but these are the ones that mattered the most.  If you stop the Patriots on ANY of these three -- and if you're even semi-competent at defense, one out of three ain't asking too much * -- you stop ANY of these three and outs, especially the first two, the Chiefs are a near certainty to win.  (See the fourth quarter drives -- the Chiefs forced three stops.  The Patriots forced one ... and the Chiefs scored the last three times they had the ball.)

(*: linked behind a paywall.  I normally abhor paywalls unless it is to support local journalism ... but The Athletic is worth your $8 / month to subscribe to it for their Chiefs and NCAA hoops coverages alone.)

* Most Questionable Play: Chiefs try the field goal, 0:11 remaining, vs Patriots, AFC Championship.

This ... this is going to someday have to be added to the lengthy (and long overdue to be updated) "What If Game".

The Chiefs are facing a 2nd and 10 at the Patriots 21.  There are eleven seconds to play.  The Chiefs trail 28-31.  And the Chiefs are out of timeouts.

It is that last sentence -- the lack of timeouts -- that probably explains why "Fat" Andy sent Harrison Butker out to try (and make) the game tying field goal. 

And given the field goal was good, given the Patriots took a knee, and the game went to overtime, you can argue this is a moot point.

But I keep coming back to the fact there were eleven seconds to play, the Chiefs have (arguably) the best quarterback in the game, and he's got Tyreek Hill, Travis Kelce, DeMarcus Robinson, and Damien Williams all available and ready to run a "three jet all go" play call to the end zone, to try to steal the victory.

(Side note: considering "Fat" Andy was on the losing sideline that day ... it only further boggles the mind he didn't attempt the "three jet all go", uuh, attempt, in that spot.)

(Second side note: holy sh*t, that play was twenty years ago!  Twenty!  Now I feel old!)

Seriously - why didn't the Chiefs try this?  Why didn't they try one last play before kicking the field goal?  This is an easy call -- set Mahomes up in the shotgun, with Sherman in to block.  Give him three steps.  If nobody is open, chuck it into Section 129 or 130, then kick the field goal to force overtime.

The Chiefs had a chance to avoid overtime all together, and bring Lamar's Trophy home.  They had one final opportunity to avoid their ultimate fate.  And instead, they literally kicked it away, and left their fate on the side of a coin.

This is the (non) play that I'll be ranting about long after I'm tossed into whatever mental health facility is going to replace Two Rivers as my eventual home.

* Best Tailgate: (tie) vs 49ers, Week Three; vs Colts, AFC Divisional.

Anytime you're in a tank top and shorts at 9:30 in the morning, and you're still sweating through everything you have on, it's my kind of day.  Also, by the end of the day, I looked like this:

(I swear, I did use sunscreen.  It didn't work.  Image credit: me, via my iPhone 8 something.)

Conversely, admit it, the Colts tailgate was also about as cool as it gets.  There's something awesome about football in the snow.  Tailgating in it is just about as awesome:

(I couldn't find the view looking into our tailgate ... but this was 3 hours before kickoff, looking out from our tailgate.  Image credit: me, via my iPhone 8 something.)

* Worst Tailgate: vs those people, Week Eight.

I missed the whole thing and barely made kickoff due to my flight home being delayed nearly ninety minutes that morning.  (I was supposed to land at KCI around 8:30am from San Antonio via Houston Bush; I landed a little after 10am.)  Which also meant that donkey didn't get an addition to him for the first time since he was first brought out to tailgating in 2010.

(Cinco Noose Donkey: 2010 he debuted.  2011 he got his first noose.  2012 he got his second.  2013 he got his third.  2014 he got his fourth.  2015 he got his fifth.  2016 he got his pacifier.  2017 he got diapers.  2018 he got nothing.  Which means I'll have to double him up I guess, come the tailgate against those people in 2019.)

* Best Road Trip: at those people, Week Four.  I went to two roadies this year -- those people and Seattle.  One was far better than the other.

* Worst Road Trip: to Sioux Falls for the raiders road game, Week Thirteen.  Every year our group heads up to "Raider Nation North" for the raiders roadie.  This year, it was both insanely cold ... and got snowed out. 

So, a road trip that is supposed to happen, but doesn't happen, is guaranteed to be the worst roadie, at least on this site, if only due to the sunken cost that is lost.

But ... on the other hand ...

I had that Monday (December 3rd) off to travel home.  So when I woke up that Monday, I fired up the laptop, took a look to see if anything new in the Jeep department had landed at CarMax overnight ... and lo and behold, there was!  Two hours and $30,000 in debt later, "New Tito" had a, uuh, new home, with me:

("New Tito" braving the elements the morning after the Colts game.  He loves the snow and cold about as much as his owner does.  Namely, he despises them.  Image credit: me, via my iPhone 8 something.)

* Best Player (Offense): Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs", QB.  Despite many worthy candidacies ... this is the obvious choice.

* Best Player (Defense): Chris Jones, DE.  Despite few if any worthy candidacies ... this is the obvious choice.

* Best Player (Special Teams): Harrison Butker, PK.  Nothing against Dusty C, but Butker made the biggest kick this franchise has had in many, many a moon (and no, that is not a cheap shot at fake Indian Elizabeth Warren ... or is it?  #teambiden).  That gives him the edge in my book.

* Worst Player (Offense): Kareem Hunt, RB.  In the words of the late, great John Candy: "what a moron!".

Although it did lead to one hysterical moment (at least for me) at the game against the Ravens: I'm standing in the beer line after entering the stadium, and some guy in his late 20s / early 30s has his 27 jersey on.  Only, instead of saying "Hunt", he's taped over Hunt and it now says "Johnson". 

We've gone full circle Chiefs fans -- we've swapped out one woman-beating alcoholic for another!  And don't know who is worse!  At least LJ has turned his life around ** .  Here's to hoping Kareem does as well.

(**: if you don't follow LJ on Twitter, you should.  Here's his handle.  Let's just say, the dude is a few fries short of the proverbial Happy Meal.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  No, that is not a cheap shot at his religious conversion!  I'm happy for him about that!  But read his tweetline.  The dude is more (whitney houston voice) crack is whack, than even I am.)

Also, before I forget ...

* Best Development (Arrowhead): Adding the Beer Garden Between Sections 132 and 131.  I don't even have to leave my section now to get the Kingdom Blonde Ale or a Boulevard on tap.  Sh*t, I don't even have to clog the aisle trying to get back -- I can grab a chair and wait for a timeout.  Nice use of a month of nothing going on, Chiefs organization.  (It was installed between the Cardinals game and Ravens game.)

And now back to wherever I was in this thing ...

* Worst Player (Defense): Anthony Hitchens, LB.  When it's all said and done, the latest in a long line of desperation Chiefs linebacker free agent signings may make some awful ones from the past ("Cut" glen cadrez, Shawn Barber, Kendrell Bell, Scott Fujita, Brandon Siler, Mike Vrabel, and countless others I've missed) look reasonable.

(Note: nobody believed in Brandon Siler more than me.  Nobody.  Just goes to show you.)

* Worst Player (Special Teams): none.  I can't really find fault with any of the core members of the Chiefs special teams this past season.

* Rookie of the Year (Offense): Andrew Wylie, OG.  I know, I know -- technically not a rookie.  (He signed with the Colts as an undrafted free agent after the 2017 draft, and saw no regular season action last season.)  But 2018 was his first year on a regular season NFL roster, and he made the most of it, picking up the pieces of LDT's loss and somehow, someway, holding his own against (a lot of weeks) the best the opposition could throw at the Chiefs. 

Also, considering the only offensive player Brett Veach picked was a defensive tackle to be developed into an offensive lineman (Kahlil McKenzie), I didn't have much to work with here.

Also, there are a lot of things in life that stun me; Brett Veach (and John Dorsey before him)'s ability to plug and play offensive linemen into a league average group?  Is not one of them.

* Rookie of the Year (Defense): Derrick Nnadi, DT.  You can also make a case for Dorian O'Daniel here, but given that Mr. Nnadi didn't see the field in the first two weeks, and was a key starter by the time the playoffs rolled around, I don't see how Mr. Nnadi isn't the clear choice here. 

* Rookie of the Year (Special Teams): Ben Niemann (LB).  I love this kid. 

And finally ... my three favorite moments of the season.

* Third Favorite Moment of the 2018 Season: Finally Witnessing a Victory in Person at fake mile high, Week Four.

There are things in life that we, as humans, love irrationally.  For me, those things definitely include my family, my friends that are family, Sunday evening dinners on The Deck with family and friends, Shiner Bock, Tito's vodka (what, like you'd expect anything else?), and the sports teams and players I root for, none more important to me than the Chiefs. 

Conversely, there are things in life that we, as humans, hate irrationally.  For me, those things definitely include The Quaff (although to be fair, that bar hates me as much as I hate it), people who lie to my face about my meaning and significance to them (thankfully, only one person has ever fit this category for me), and the sports teams and players I despise, none more despised than a team that plays an alleged mile high above sea level, a team so hated on this site I won't even refer to them by name.  They are "those people".

Prior to this season, I had never witnessed a victory at fake mile high against those people.  Nothing but defeats.  Then came Monday, October 1, 2018.

For three quarters, I'd braced myself for the inevitable.  (By "braced myself", I mean "I was plowing through Coors Lights like there was no tomorrow".)  And think of everything the Chiefs had to overcome in that fourth quarter to win!  They trailed 23-13 with barely twelve to play.  They overcame a 3rd and 16, 4th and 1, and 1st and 20 on their first touchdown drive of the quarter.  They then needed a left handed throw by Mr. Mahomes on 3rd and 5, then somehow convert a 2nd and 30, on the game winning drive.  And as if all that wasn't enough, they needed "The Stand, Part III" to close things out, as those people had goal to go, down four, with less than a minute to play, in the end zone I was sitting in.

All of which, led to this:

(Buh bye.  Thanks for coming.  Please, do not be safe on the way home ... but don't take it out on the dog.  He didn't ask to be a part of your demonic, indwelt existence, you orange clad fans.  Image Credit: me, via my iPhone 8 something.)

It was a win I'd waited twenty years for.  And to this moment, the sports section of the October 2nd Denver Post hangs in my office:

((dan dierdorf voice) Poor case.  He did everything ... but win.  Image Credit: me, via my iPhone 8 something.)

That's my third favorite moment of the 2018 season.

My second ... might surprise you, given how it ended.

But won't stun you at all, if you know me at all.

* Second Favorite Moment of the 2018 Season: The Chance to Bring Lamar's Trophy Home, AFC Championship.

Let's acknowledge the Captain Oats right away: the Chiefs lost the AFC Championship Game, 31-37, in overtime, to the New England Patriots.  And yeah, that hurts.  It's taken at least six months of therapy with Stevo's Site Numero Dos' Official Spiritual Advisor, the right Reverend Al K. Hall, to (possibly) get over it.  And six months is being conservative (something I'm not often accused of being).

But let's also acknowledge the Captain Oats not just right away, but going forward: that game was ... we'll get to it.

--------------------

From the moment the clock hit triple zeros against the Colts, to clinch the first home playoff win in 25 years, something awesome and incredible and damned near indescribable happened here in Kansas City: unity with one purpose and goal in mind, and that was to Bring Lamar's Trophy Home.

It started early in the week -- technically the Friday before -- at Crown Center:

(Hey, I can take a selfie!  Image Credits: me, via my iPhone 8 something.)

Then (jimmy buffett voice) "come Saturday", the Chiefs let us know it was game on:

(Image Credit: me, via my iPhone 8 something.)

Even Westport ceded Pioneer's Plaza to Chiefs fever:

(I pass this every day going to and from work.  It looks much better with the jerseys on, in my (rarely) humble opinion.  Image Credit: Martin Augustine, KMBC 9, via Twitter.)

Hell, (jimmy buffett voice) "come Sunday", I was so dialed in to what I thought this day would be, that as I left for the Bus Barn, and this was the first song that came on, I texted it to multiple people, certain it was a sign that Sunday, January 20, 2019, was a day that (fdr voice) would live in infamy:

(Also, why I considered this an omen: this was the song I was going to use for the Championship Game pick post, before I settled on "One Moment in Time" instead.  Image Credit: me, via my iPhone 8 something.)

The Bus left for Arrowhead on Championship Sunday at 10am.  For a 5:40pm kickoff.  On a barely 20 degree day.  And we were nearly backed up to Stadium Drive when we arrived.

The Bus left Arrowhead a little after 11pm.  For a game that ended a little after 9pm.  When it was barely 5 degrees out.  The backup to get out was that long.

Meaning that for thirteen hours, the focus was on the Chiefs ... but for me, it was on something else too.

And that's a lot of you reading this (since let's face it, most of you reading this have tailgated with me a time or ten before, or gone to a game with me before).

We waited a lifetime for that day.  I've seen friends come and go.  I've seen family come and go.  We've buried friends that are family, and family that are friends.  And in the end, we all kept coming back because Championship Sunday was the payoff.  That was the end game.  One chance -- just one -- to do what no Chiefs team in our lives had ever done, and that's bring Lamar's Trophy home.

And that's probably why the loss, one coin flip shy of a Super Bowl and accomplishing the dream of Lamar's Trophy returning where it belongs and should never leave, doesn't sting like it should.  It's not because I'm confident the Chiefs will get there, and next time get the job done -- I am confident of that, although I'm not as high on this upcoming season at this point, as others of you are.

It's because of all we went through to get there. 

I wouldn't trade the memories I have with all of you, on the journey to that one magical dream-filled day for anything.

Not even Lamar's Trophy.

And that brings us to ...

* Favorite Moment of the 2018 Season: 11:51am, Sunday, September 23, 2018.

True story: I had the recap of the 49ers game started, and completed, through tailgating.  I even had what I thought was the perfect theme song to describe that game with ("Dream On" by Aerosmith").

And then, it came time to try to describe just what hearing three words, three simple words that had never triggered a truly emotional, gut-check reaction out of me before, it came time to explain why those three words had me crying like I've rarely if ever cried before.

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Since moving back from college after the 1998 season, I have heard the following names introduced as the Chiefs starting quarterback.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Yeah, good point -- go pour yourself the stiffest drink you can tolerate, then add another couple splashes on top of it.  You're gonna need it.  Because here goes:

Elvis Grbac.  Trent Green.  Damon Huard.  Brodie Croyle.  Tyler Thigpen.  Matt Cassel.  Tyler Palko.  Kyle Orton.  Brady Quinn.  Alex Smith.  Chase Daniel.  Nick Foles.

A thirteenth ("The Maytag Repairman", Todd Collins) never started a game in the six seasons he was a backup to Mr.'s Grbac and Green.  A fourteenth (Warren Moon) started a road game in 2000, but none at home.

That's fourteen (at best) league average to (at worst) abject sh*ttacular quarterbacks we've endured in the last nineteen years.  (And note: I'm probably missing a couple.  I try to forget the Coach Asshat and Coach Baffoon eras (2009-2012) as much as possible.)

And then ... came "Fifteen".

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For once, I am thankful there is no Youtube! clip, there is no Arrowhead Pride video -- hell, I didn't even properly record the moment to my phone -- to show what Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" introduction was to those of us who witnessed it live.

(Note: that is an outright lie.  There is one clip available.  2:13 mark of it.  It doesn't even come close, to capturing the magic of the moment.  (Thank God.))

Because the explosion inside of Arrowhead when Fifteen was introduced?  

Deserves to stay with us, who sat through twenty, thirty, forty plus years of utter sh*t, to witness that one moment.

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My favorite moment from tailgating that day -- and it's amongst my most cherished tailgating moments ever, if I'm being honest here -- was myself, "The Voice of Reason", and Jasson standing around, pushing 10:30am on a gorgeous 90 degree sunny day, and this conversation occurred:

("the voice of reason") So, are you going to cry today?

(stevo) Of course I am!

(jasson) (unprovoked) I already have.

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Time changes a lot of things.  And no, the three of us aren't what we were twenty years ago, when my favorite picture of us was snapped by (I believe) Jenni.  But I'm damned glad time (and my f*ck ups and failures) didn't rob us of that moment.  Three great friends, raised as Chiefs fans, who've dealt with crushing defeat after indefensible loss after choke-job after botched field goal after costly interception after "forward progress non-fumble" after "Holding, 72" on a two point conversion, after ... well, you get the point.  It's been thirty f*cking plus years of misery.

And then, yet again, as had happened so many times before, there's a reboot, another potential franchise savior, another "please trust us, we know what we're doing" plea from a front office that most of the time, has been clueless during our, uuh, clued in years as Chiefs fans.

Yet this one?

This one feels different.

The tears prove it.

Because I never cried hearing Elvis Grbac, Trent Green, Damon Huard, Brodie Croyle, Tyler Thigpen, Matt Cassel, Tyler Palko, Kyle Orton, Brady Quinn, Alex Smith, Chase Daniel, or Nick Foles introduced as my quarterback.  (Unless it was in horror.  Which is possible.)

Three words made me an emotional wreck to open last year's home schedule.

"And at Quarterback!"

I can't wait to see Section 132 become all dusty and allergen-filled all over again, come September 22nd ...