Hey hey! Hey!
Hey hey! Hey hey!
Hey hey! Hey!
Simmer down, simmer down --
They say we're too young now,
To amount to anything else.
But look around --
We've worked too damned hard for this,
Just to give it up now.
If you don't swim?
You'll drown.
But don't move honey --
(Because) you look so perfect standing there!
In my American Apparel underwear!
And I know now? That I'm so down!
Your lipstick stain? Is a work of art!
I've got your name tattooed in an arrow heart!
And I know now? That I'm so down!
Hey hey! Hey hey!
Hey hey! Hey!
Hey hey! Hey hey!
Hey hey! Hey! ...
... You look so perfect standing there!
In my American Apparel underwear!
And I know now? That I'm so down!
Your lipstick stain? Is a work of art!
I've got your name tattooed in an arrow heart!
And I know now? That I'm so down!
Hey hey! Hey hey!
Hey hey! Hey!
Hey hey! Hey hey!
Hey hey! Hey! ..."
-- "She Looks So Perfect" by Five Seconds of Summer.
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So here we go folks, this annual public service from me towards you.
See, I'm amongst the worst sports gamblers you'll ever meet, because I tend to bet with my heart, and not with my head. Hence, I provide you, the gambling public, my straight-up and against-the-spread predictions each week, so you know who not to bet on.
In addition to gambling information, this post usually contains other stuff that matters to me at the time, as well as the Chiefs motivational thoughts and prediction. In years past, there was one section I enjoyed writing more than all the others combined. But given the events here in lovely Kansas City's media market this summer, I'm not sure how I'm going to replace losing that source of humor and stupidity. But I'll try.
Here we go!
The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Best Guesses:
* Packers (+3) 34, at Bears 14. I'm way higher on the Packers this year than I should be. That, or I'm still high from the weekend. Either way, I like the Packers here.
* at Vikings (-4) 24, "Shane" Falcons 17. This one could have significant playoff ramifications come December 29th.
* at Eagles (-9) 41, Redskins 10. I have a fantasy football buddy who is a huge Redskins fan. Someone might want to check in with Will multiple times during every 'Skins game this season to check on his physical well-being. Just saying. Also, "Empty Nest Game O' The Week" honors.
* Ravens 25, at Dolphins (+6 1/2) 24. In the schedule run (coming soon!), I actually picked the Dolphins to win this. I'm not buying what John Harbaugh and Lamar Jackson are selling.
* at Browns (-5 1/2) 31, Titans 20. Are we really ready for the Browns to be relevant for the first time since the late 1980's?
* at Panthers (+3) 30, Rams 24. Sneaky good noon game I hope FOX 4 offers here locally. (Checking the FOX 4 programming schedule ...) Hot damn! We do get this one! Woo! Freaking! Hoo!
* at Seahawks (-9 1/2) 41, Bengals 0. They could drive this line into the mid teens and I'd still take Seattle. At home. Against an atrocious Bengals squad. (Which, of course, means the Bengals are winning 20-10.) "ALF Game O' The Week!" honors.
* at "Super" Chargers 23, Colts (+6) 21. One of these two squads is finishing dead last in their division; the other one will enter December squarely in the thick of both their divisional and wild card races.
* 49ers (+1) 27, at Bucs 20. "Good Times Game O' The Week!" honors.
* at "Super" Cardinals (+2 1/2) 23, Lions 13. One of those "I wish it was the late 1990's still" matchups. How awesome (and by "awesome", I mean "tear inducing hysterical"), how awesome would a Vince Tobin / Wayne "Rasputin" Fontes matchup be to open the season? Sh*t, they might make the 007 slapper mode look fun!
* at Cowboys (-7) 41, Giants 3. I don't care if Zeke suits up or not. This is going to be an ass kicking of biblical proportions. Also, how nice of the NFL to give us Giants at Cowboys to open the season for the what, eighth straight year? There are other teams America cares to see NFL. I know that comes as a great shock to you, but most of us would be perfectly cool seeing Saints / Rams here. (Which we get next week!)
* Steelers (+5 1/2) 31, at Patriots 27. The Pats sh*t the bed at home to open the season the last time they won a Super Bowl. Let's hope that trend continues.
* at Saints 31, Texans (+7) 30. This line is patently absurd.
* at raiders (-1) 27, those people 24. As always, a public service reminder: if terrorists strike the whatever the hell it's called nowadays Coliseum during this game, it is not a national tragedy. In fact, quite the opposite -- it is cause for a national celebration.
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For the new, or those who forget easily, there are certain designations a game can receive each week. These designations are handed out because I would rather watch a three hour block of the sh*ttacular sitcom attached to said game, than the game itself. In order from worst game o' the week, to not as worse ...
1. "Good Times". I actually love "Good Times", but it has not aged well.
2. "ALF". The second worst sitcom of all time. The only one worse is so horrific, I only use it ... well, we'll get there in a moment.
3. "Empty Nest". Quick -- if you can name NBC's Saturday night lineup entering the 1990's, I'll let you raid my cooler at the home opener tailgate, so should you choose. (Note: cooler will likely contain vodka, apple juice, and a boat load of Shiner Bock. Pick wisely.) Answer coming momentarily.
4. "Webster". Let's all hope and pray we never have to go this deep.
And finally ...
5. "One Day At A Time". Yup. This is it. (This is it!) This is without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- the single sh*ttiest, worst, most god-awful television show of my lifetime! There is nothing else even in contention for that "honor". When this designation gets hauled out, you know somebody done f*cked up and failed epically in creating that week's schedule.
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Your trivia answer above? "227", "Amen", "Golden Girls", "Empty Nest", "Hunter". And to think people wonder why nobody stays home to watch television on Saturday nights anymore.
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The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week:
Well, this was an unexpected (happy) casualty this summer.
For those of you who missed it, the scourge of Kansas City radio, Kaptain Klassy, was fired by 810 WHB in late June for Ol' Kev's stated belief that "Fat" Andy Reid was responsible for the drug overdose that killed his son seven years ago.
Setting aside how incredibly insensitive and stupid "K"KK's comments were ... his refusal to apologize, and play himself as the victim, was even more incredibly insensitive and stupid. To say nothing of self-righteous and hypocritical.
His last tweets (the poor kook hasn't tweeted since right before his removal from all things 810 WHB) reveal just how klueless el kapitan was:
So ... the immediate question becomes, what do I do, with this segment of the post? I mean, I've been savaging El Kapitan No Los Pantalones for six years in this column on a weekly basis! What do you say about someone whose Karma has finally bitten him in his proverbial (if not actual) ass, and seen him kicked to the kurb?
Normally I'd say you kiss him off via a dignified and klassy kareer kongratulations, but there's nothing dignified or klassy about Ol' Kietz. I mean, if he was to appear in a Judgment Ray kommercial to purchase a kar, the screw wouldn't be through him, it'd be in front of him, proudly exposed like ... well, like a kid at heart in a (possible) Kia on a Perfect Village kul-de-sac (or at least kurbside) at the turn of the kentury. (Or is that Kietzery? I swear to Christ -- excuse me, Khrist -- these k jokes write themselves. Because I sure as krap ain't taking kredit for them (rimshot!))
In all seriousness, it is truly sad how Kaptain Konfident and Klassy klosed out his kareer even sketchier than "Kat Piss" Don Fortunato did.
And oh, the blessed irony -- of all people, Soren Petro wound up replacing both "Kat Piss" and "El Kapitan No Los Pantalones", when both kareers came to a krash and burn, at least a decade after each kareer should have.
So going forward, I think there's only one thing to do with this section, and that's simply let any of you who wish to share a favorite "K"KK moment of yours with me, and I'll let you post it unedited, save for font and size. I think Ol' Kev needs a konfidence booster, don't you?
Konsider it done.
Oh -- and until then?
Thanks for the memories, Klassic Kietz. We'll always have you falling back-asswards drunk out of a blackjack chair at Harrah's after the KSU / Iowa game in 2000. (kasey kasem voice) Stevo, here is your request, and long-distance dedication: "Kherish", by Kool and the Gang:
The Tailgating Plans:
There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is not a game I will be attending.
The Watching Party Plans:
The Watching Party Plans depend upon the weather.
If the current forecast (mid 80's, partly cloudy, not much chance of rain) holds, then we'll be on The Deck, enjoying the afternoon outdoors. If the forecast changes to include mostly rain, then we're headed down to McFadden's to take advantage of their generous gift card offerings for bringing The Bus for the homegate they put on every road game.
If we're on The Deck, I'm on, uuh, deck to cook, which means I'll make the only three things I know how to make semi-competently: jalapeno poppers, taco soup, and (sighing in resigned acceptance) I'll come out of retirement to make jello shots. (Cue "the congregation" cheering.) Because with all due respect, if anyone can make an alcohol-infused item better than me, I'd love to meet them. Because nobody -- and I do mean nobody -- has more experience mixing and matching booze and mixers, than me. At least nobody who reads this site on a regular basis anyways. And given there's about a core readership of 45-50 people based on the stats, I feel confident in saying that.
If we're at McFadden's, have at it. They usually give us $300 to show up; anything our tab amounts to above the amount given, we all split equally. That's the deal. If you all have is a couple wings and a beer, and the tab hits $600, you don't get to flake. You owe your 1/however show up share of the overage. There aren't many things in life I won't tolerate, but an Alan Harper-style cheapskate is definitely on that short list.
Stevo's Cocktail O' The Week:
In the summer, I tend to switch to vodka based libations, and white wine. (What? Both go great with BLT's!)
In the fall, I tend to switch back to a whiskey / bourbon and some mixer.
So today's drink is one last salute to summer ... and I have to blame Amanda for this one.
Truly Black Cherry Hard Seltzer.
Jesus, this stuff is addicting. It's black cherry flavored seltzer that's 5% booze. It gets you appropriately hammered in a pool. (Or The Pool -- your choice.) It's crisp, it's refreshing, it's more potent than most beer sold in a state I grew up in, located less than a mile from where I live (or approximately a mile -- I've never measured the true distance between Madison Avenue and State Line Road). And again -- it's addicting. I can (and have) plowed through a twelve pack in less than three hours, and still been thirsty for more. (Which is about the only negative -- it doesn't exactly get you lit up.)
Still, if you're a weak drinker (aka "not related to me"), or a non-drinker interested in crossing over to the intoxicated side, give this sh*t a try. It isn't half bad.
The Flashback:
"Fat" Andy Reid's first game with the Chiefs was to open the 2013 season ... in Jacksonville. The Chiefs won 28-2, in a game that the Jags scored first via a special teams safety ... and the Jags didn't reach midfield until late in the 4th quarter, let alone cross it.
For the first time since then, the Chiefs return to Jacksonville. (They've hosted the Jags twice since -- a victory in 2016, and a victory last year.) Ironically, Jags QB Nick "Big D*ck" Foles started for the Chiefs in that 2016 victory over the Jaguars.
Still, there's only one Jaguars game worth a Flashback, and that was the season finale in 2006, in which Part IV of the Immaculate Eight-fecta occured: a 35-30 Chiefs victory in the snowy confines of Terrorhead:
Let's just say, December 31, 2006, is amongst my most cherished days of my Chiefs fandom existence.
"Disreputable" Mexican Food Truck Update:
So when this section started two years ago, it was an output spawned by my new job down in Midtown. There was this shady, sleazy looking food truck that you'd swear on your newborn kid's life had to be one violation shy of permanent condemnation by the KCMO health department ... only the food was so good, you couldn't stop going to it for lunch 2-3 times a week.
Then this section evolved to things I love(d) about KCMO proper -- and for the uninitiated drunk and/or stoned stumbling onto this site, welcome! I'm one of you! I'm usually both!
But anyways, for the uninitiated, this section evolved last year into my praising and b*tching all things KCMO as they arose. From the endless water main construction on South Broadway last fall, to all the awesome little shops and restaurants that exist along South Broadway. From the (still ongoing!) replacing and rebuilding of 81st Street, to the (just started!) reconstruction of 75th and Wornall due to water main and sewer issues. From the (somewhat fixed!) potholes on Ward Parkway on the drive in, to the (never gonna get done!) remodel of my Price Chopper at 84th and Wornall.
(Note: the rebuild is finally, truly beginning! The old Church's was tore down this weekend, and the two abandoned houses behind the dumpster everyone uses to get around KCMO's two bag limit were tore down too! I swear to God, you leave for like three days, and sh*t finally starts getting done around here!)
So for year three, I'm not sure what it's gonna be, but hopefully each week gives y'all a lil' glimpse into who this self-centered delusional drunken stoned moron is.
And for this week, I give you my Political Compass. (Or, in deference one last time to Klassy Kevin, should it be "Kompass"?) I promise to keep these posts as politic-free as possible going forward ... but I was stunned at how f*cking accurate this test was, at least for me.
Feel free to test it out for yourself -- it costs you nothing other than ten minutes of time you'd probably waste surfing PornHub anyways.
The Jets Prediction:
Who's ready for Season Two with Browning Nagle 2.0!!!!!
(stevo bashing his head against the table.)
When I post my season picks (probably Friday), you'll see I'm not high on Gang Green this year ... although when you look at the non-Jets predictions, you might think I'm high on some, uuh, green, from The Green Solution.
(You wouldn't necessarily be wrong.)
* at Jets (-3) 24, Bills 20.
The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication:
Coming tomorrow ...
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