week two non-chiefs picks

"Number one on my speed dial.
I changed your name so my friends won't find out.
But they're all heading home now --
And I got word that she's hanging downtown.

I know I shouldn't do it;
Oh but these shots I'm shooting
Make me not?
Give a damn!

Now it's one more last time --
We swore we wouldn't!
But it's one more sunrise,
Breaking through these curtains!

I know when we're sober?
We'll both say it's over!
But it ain't really over ...

'Cause alcohol,
Alcohol,
Alcohol you later!

Alcohol,
Alcohol,
Alcohol you later ..."

-- "Alcohol You Later" by Mitchell Tenpenny.

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Last Week SU: 8-7-1.
Season to Date SU: 8-7-1.

Last Week ATS: 8-7-1.
Season to Date ATS: 8-7-1.

Last Week Upset / Week: you're welcome?
Season to Date Upset / Week: 0-1-0 SU / 0-1-0 ATS.
This Week Upset / Week: Lions (+2 1/2) over "Super" Chargers.

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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Best Guesses:

* at Panthers (-6 1/2) 28, Bucs 20.  "ALF" Game O' The Week.

(Also, in case you missed it, the awesome actor who played Willie Tanner passed away this summer.  He also played Norm's boss (post-pilot episode) on the most underrated sitcom of all time, "The Norm Show".  Rest in peace, Mr. Wright.  Rest in peace.  And no, it's still not a massage parlor, like you think it is, sir.)

* at Lions (+2 1/2) 31, "Super" Chargers 28.  A sneaky good offensive matchup that should come down to the last possession.

* at Titans (-3) 28, Colts 24.  I'm guessing this will be the noon game on the main TV in The Garage. 

* Bills (-1 1/2) 19, at Giants 13.  Did you see anything last week to convince you the Giants can win a game this season?  Because I didn't.  Also, "Empty Nest" Game O' The Week.

* at Ravens 34, "Super" Cardinals (+13) 24.  This line is insane.  Absolutely f*cking insane.

* Patriots (-18) 41, at Dolphins 10.  On the other hand, this line is not only sane, it'll be covered by the two minute warning of the first half.  Also ... hang on.  Do I dare go there this early in the season?  Let me check the remaining games to be picked ... we're safe.  Barely.  "Webster" Game O' The Week.  Jesus, we were THIS close to hauling the late Pat Harrington and the late Bonnie Franklin back into our lives for an afternoon.  THIS close.

(I should also probably note the irony: I actually love the reboot on Netflix.  The original is more full of sh*t than a port-a-potty exiting Arrowhead ... but the reboot is really, really good stuff.)

* Cowboys 31, at Redskins (+5 1/2) 28 (OT).  Poor Case Keenum.  As usual, he did everything but win the damned game.

* at Texans (-8 1/2) 51, Jaguars 13.  If the Texans are who I think they are, they rally from last week's indefensible collapse and defeat by beating the living bejesus out of the Jaguars.  Because good teams take losses like last week's as a "See You Next Tuesday" slap of disrespect. 

* at Steelers (-4) 31, Seahawks 24.  There's no way the Steelers are this bad, right?

* 49ers (+2) 26, at Bengals 21.  (Pause).  Yeah -- "Good Times" Game O' The Week.  Also, this line is beyond f*cking ridiculous.  The 49ers should be favored, not underdogs.

* at Packers (-3) 28, Vikings 24.  On the other hand, this line is damned near perfect, because this smells like a last second field goal game the home team eeks out.

* at Rams (-2) 45, Saints 17.  I think this is "going to be an ass kicking of biblical proportions".  I just think most people have the wrong team, giving the ass kicking, let alone receiving it.  If I still made a Lock O' The Week, this pick would be it.

* Bears (-2 1/2) 27, at those people 3.  How awesome is it, that the Bears looked like the worst team in the league this side of Miami with the nation watching ... and they're still favored at fake mile high?  I mean, how f*cking awesome are your 2019 those people!  October 17th cannot get here soon enough!  To say nothing of December 15th!

(And yes, I am fully aware October 17th, when the Red and Gold will post its' fifth consecutive win inside the eighth layer of hell itself, is the 25th anniversary of the Chiefs greatest victory over those people.  I might have to invest in a Montana Chiefs jersey for that roadie.)

* at "Shane" Falcons (+1 1/2) 31, Eagles 28.  Toughest game on the board to predict.  The Eagles need this one more, but I guess I pick the "Shane" Falcons to not sh*t the bed in the home opener.

The Jets Prediction:

What a day to be a Jets fan, huh?

Because this happened.

Then this happened.

The loser of this game is credibly staring 0-7 in the face: the Browns next five are vs Rams (SNF) / at Ravens / at 49ers (MNF -- and note, this might be the ugliest Monday Night Football game in modern NFL history, because what dumb f*ck nitwit at Scheduling Headquarters thought for even one millisecond of time the nation wants to watch Browns at 49ers in prime time) / vs Seahawks / at Patriots.

The Jets next five: at Patriots / at Eagles / Cowboys / Patriots (MNF) / at Jaguars.

Good Lord.

Let the Trevor Siemian Error begin!  (stevo pouring himself the stiffest Weller and Dr. Pepper he's ever poured in his life ...)

* Browns (-6) 31, at Jets 13.  Yes folks, the Browns are a f*cking touchdown favorite.  On the road.  In prime time.  (stevo lighting himself on fire ...)

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The Chiefs pick will go up Friday.  I can confidently predict that, because I happened to take tomorrow off.  I'm not sure 9 hours of sleep is enough for my body to recover from the alcoholic pounding it is going to take tonight watching the Democrat Debate.  I have about $1,100 in my checking account right now; I'm not sure that's enough to cover the tab to watch this thing ...