Season to Date SU: 29-18-1.
Last Week ATS: 6-10-0.
Season to Date ATS: 25-22-1.
Last Week Upset / Week: bango!
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 2-1-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 2-1-0.
This Week Upset / Week: (Pause). I can't decide, so I'll take two! Browns (+6 1/2) over Ravens, and Jaguars (+3) over those people.
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The Non-Chiefs Picks:
Byes: Jets (0-3-0), 49ers (3-0-0). One of these teams should sign Colin Kaepernick and start him next week. And it ain't Colin's former squad. And yes, I'm dead serious about this. Call Mr. Kaepernick on his bluff. He doesn't give a sh*t about getting back into the League. If he did, he wouldn't have taken the multi-million settlement last year.
Give him a chance to start, in the nation's largest media market, for a team talented enough to make its next three games (at Eagles / vs Cowboys / vs Patriots (MNF)) entertaining television. The eyes of the nation would be on him. He could resurrect his career Michael Vick style, and prove his critics to be the dumb f*ck idiots they are. Or he could completely flop, and prove his critics to not be the dumb f*ck idiots they are.
Seriously, what have the Jets got to lose? Their dignity and pride? (Hint: you can't lose what you never had (rimshot!)) More games? (Few teams do that better (rimshot!)) If anything, this might help attendance, and profits, as this (yet another!) lost season unfolds. I'd show up to see what Mr. Kaepernick still has in the tank. Then again, I showed up after the worst 24 hours in Chiefs history at the (old school TV show voice) same bat time, same bat channel, as always, so I'm probably a bad gauge on this.
But seriously, Jets. Sign Colin Kaepernick. Use the bye week to get him to learn Adam Gase's offense (which, granted, can be diagrammed on a couple of cocktail napkins (rimshot!)). Then let him have some fun.
Because God forbid a Jets season actually be, you know, fun.
On to the actual picks ...
* Last night. Already off to a craptacular 0-1 SU / 0-1 ATS start.
* at Texans (-4) 31, Panthers 21. With all due respect, anyone can look decent against the Arizona "Super" Cardinals. Too much Deshaun Watson. And realize this: come 4pm CT Sunday? The Texans will be a 53 yard made field goal away from being 4-0-0. Of course, they're also a (questionably) failed two point conversion and failed fourth and goal away from being 0-3-0 entering this thing.
(My way of saying? Week Six might get flexed. What would you rather have in prime time if you were NBC -- Watson vs Mahomes for the first time ... or a potentially 0-5-0 Steelers team at a potentially 2-3-0 "Super" Chargers squad that nobody -- up to and including their own fans -- gives a sh*t about? Dare a kid dream? FOUR straight Chiefs prime time games? The hope is in play ...)
* Browns (+6 1/2) 31, at Ravens 21. If the Browns lose this one, it might be time to consider a coaching change. And I'm fully aware we're only three games into the Freddie Kitchens
Also, don't call a draw play on 4th and 9 with the game on the line. Not even I'm that f*cking stupid, and God knows I've made many, many, many a questionable dumb f*ck play call on Madden over the years with my Chadwick Pennington-led Jets. (Cue "The Voice of Reason", "Jasson", "bts", "Deadbeat Ex Roommate", and the artist formerly known as "The Champ", laughing out loud in agreement.)
* at Giants (-3) 26, Redskins 20. This is less an endorsement of "Danny Dimes", than it is a damnation of Case Keenum. Also, if "Danny Dimes" isn't the worst nickname this sign of "Son of Sam" or "The Night Stalker", I have no clue what could be worse. Seriously, "Danny Dimes" is the best the Giants fan base can do? Jesus, the Post should have done better. (And to be fair, probably did.)
* "Super" Chargers 31, at Dolphins (+15) 27. This game will be competitive long into the fourth quarter. Because let's be honest here folks: the only reason my "the "Super" Chargers will finish dead last in the AFC West" pick doesn't look like gold at this point, is because "those people" are so sh*tty, they're winless after three weeks for the first time in two decades. (Pause). What? (Pause). You're damned right that's a trade I'll make every day of the week!
* raiders (+6 1/2) 31, at Colts 30. Total gut feeling. The raiders aren't 1-2 bad; the Colts aren't 2-1 good. Also, as much as I hate the raiders ... seriously NFL? Seven straight weeks away from home? That's indefensible, NFL Schedule Guru. Indefensible.
* Patriots 34, at Bills (+7) 30. In the words of the (not) late but (still) great Hall and Oates: "so close! So close! Yet so far away ..."
* at "Shane" Falcons (-4) 30, Titans 20. Toughest game on the board to make a pick for, at least for me. And since I'm the one making these picks, I think that matters. At least to me.
* at Rams (-9 1/2) 41, Bucs 13. "Good Times" Game O' The Week honors. Spending twenty some odd minutes watching this Season Seven (aka final season) classic? Is a far better use of your time, than watching even two seconds of this guaranteed "red headed stepchild taken to the woodshed" beating.
(Also, I so need to reboot that fond look back ... because a few of those unlooked at twenty seven have been replaced over the last six years. That may be a rainy Saturday project ... (stevo checking tomorrow's forecast) well lookie there! It's a rainy Saturday! (mr. hoduski voice) Stay tuned ...
* at "Super" Cardinals (+6) 24, Seahawks 20. The "Super" Cardinals have one indefensible upset in them this season. This is it.
* at Bears (-2) 28, Vikings 20. What's worse: Kirk Cousins on the road, or Mitchell Trubisky anywhere? I lean Mr. Cousins on the road ... although that's like choosing between being shot in the head, or having your head cut off, as the worser way to die.
To think the Bears traded up to pass on Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs" for this guy! I mean, what the hell, Bears GM? I'd ask what you were drinking, but we all know the answer is "something alcoholic in nature". You traded up and passed on not one, but two generational talents, for Mitchell Trubisky? Because why? Not even I would have done that, and in case you doubt me, here you go.
* Jaguars (+3) 24, at those people 13. We're about one week away from bringing back my favorite section from last season's picks, the "This Week in those people Misery" section. This ... I mean, sweet Jesus, not even I imagined the vic fangio hiring would be this sh*ttacular, this fast. We're three weeks in, and a defense with von miller and bradley chubb has yet to sack a quarterback. A team with decent talent at the offensive skill positions has been ass-raped in oakland, screwed by the refs against the Bears (although to be fair, the Bears dominated that game), and outright sodomized by the Packers.
The those people haven't opened 0-4 since 1999 (the year after they cheated by circumventing the salary cap to win their second Lombardi). As far as I can tell, they have never opened 0-5 or worse. There's a damned decent chance that if they drop this one, they'll be 0-6 entering the showdown at fake mile high in three weeks.
It's a 50/50 coin flip if I make the game there in three weeks at this point; my work schedule is not exactly helping make that trip likely. But if they're 0-6 and we're 6-0? I'll find a way to be there, even if I have to steal daddy's credit card to book a quick flight in and out to make it happen.
The lesson? As always. #neverdenver
* Cowboys (-2 1/2) 34, at Saints 24. If Dak is who my buddy Vineet believes he is, then the Cowboys win this game comfortably. If Dak is who I believe he is, the Saints win this one in a blowout. You can guess whose knowledge, foresight, and wisdom, I am relying on. Hint: it ain't mine.
* Bengals (+4) 3, at Steelers 0. Jesus bleeping Christ, this might be the worst prime-time game on the schedule this season. (stevo looking at said schedule.) Oh my God, we still have to endure a Dolphins at Steelers game on the final Monday in October. Holy hell, it might be 0-7 at 0-7! And look at those number -- zeros and sevens! Holy sh*tballs Batman, we may finally get an actual 007 Slappers mode fight on the field!
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The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
I really wish El Kapitan would return to Twitter Nation, beyond his re-tweeting his defamation of Kansas basketball. His silence is deafening. If not defeating. I miss having the only person on Twitter not named Adam Schiff, dumber than me, positing his dumb ass ideas and opinions online. Because when you have two people between you and the bat sh*t crazy line?
It's much better than only having one.
But in the meantime, can someone figure out what the hell this means:
His "favorite little buddy"? I can only imagine what that has to refer to. It sure as hell ain't his Marcus Peters, right?
(Note: yes, I know it's his dog. But come on. It's "K"KK. He probably has (allegedly) solicited his dog, like he (allegedly) did his now-wife twenty years ago.)
(Also, double note: what golf course lets dogs roam free on their grounds? Let alone ride unaccompanied on their carts? Not even Teetering Rocks allows that, and they'll permit chicks vomiting on the 4th, 5th, 6th, 8th, 9th, and 10th tee boxes for f*ck's sake! Uuh, not that I'd know.)
Let's move on, before Kaptain "Your Krack is Showing" sues me for defamation of his non-existent kharacter and klass ...
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The Tailgating Plans.
There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is a Chiefs game I will not be in attendance for.
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The Watching Party Plans.
We will be at McFadden's down in Power and Light. Feel free to join. As of this posting, we've got $300 in credit. Once the $300 is gone, everything gets split equally amongst all, no matter how much or how little of said $300 you use up. (Note: I got stuck with multiple $100 plus tabs last year; no way in hell I'm doing that again.)
The higher powers above and below willing, The Bus leaves at 10am. Bloody Mary bar at 10:30 outside said Bus; food and beer orders begin at 11am in the back corner closest to No Other Pub, with kickoff at noon.
McFadden's is really a fun place to watch a game. Feel free to come out and join in.
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Disreputable Mexican Food Truck Update:
I got a letter in the mail this week from a new local Dodge / Jeep / Chrysler dealer, offering me XX,XXX amount in guaranteed pre-approval, if I'll just trade in my Wrangler and buy a new vehicle from them.
Which led me to believe three things -- none or all of which may be true:
1. The Jeep Wrangler has to be amongst the most popular of vehicles available on the market.
2. If said Jeep Wrangler is less than four years old, has less than 50,000 miles on it, and you owe less than it's worth? It's one hell of a fluid asset!
And ...
3. Purchasing said Jeep Wrangler ten months ago? Might be the single smartest decision I've ever made in my life that didn't involve passing on going home with a chick from The Eclipse.
I mean seriously, I am pre-approved for $39,000 from the good folks at Max Dodge / Jeep / Chrysler (who apparently have multiple metro locations!) for whatever I want to buy, provided I trade in my Jeep.
OK, first of all, the only way I'm trading said Jeep in, is for a four door rather than a two door, and secondly, why the f*ck would I trade in my Jeep to a dealer stupid enough to give me $39k no questions asked? I mean, ask any of my family or friends if they'd blindly spot me $39k, and I can guarantee you the answer is not just "no", but there's a naughty word in front of said "no", and deservedly so.
I think I'll keep New Tito.
Unless there's one hell of a four door Jeep ready for me, at no more than what I pay now.
(I'm keeping New Tito.)
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Coming tomorrow: the Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication. Because I'm still not sure how to type up (or hype up) Sunday yet. That, and I'm ready to start drinking on this fine, about to be stormy, Friday night here in lovely South Waldo.
Until tomorrow please -- stop driving drunk through my part of town. You (stewie griffin voice) roo-een it, for the rest of us, non-native Waldoans ...
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