Girlfriend like Eva Mendez.
Until your side chick called you up;
Said that she might be pregnant.
Now you're alone and crying;
Inside you're slowing dying.
'Cause Magic Mike?
Just got your key --
That's how you know you f*cked up!
That's how you know you f*cked up!
That's how you know you f*cked up!
That's how you know you f*cked up!
You were the man in college;
Got a degree in awesome.
And had more zeroes in your bank
Than all The Matrix coding.
Now you're in your momma's basement;
'Cause you spent every paycheck.
The IRS?
Your new best friend!
That's how you know you f*cked up!
That's how you know you f*cked up!
That's how you know you f*cked up!
That's how you know you f*cked up! ..."
-- "That's How You Know" by Nico and Vinz. Which, in case you didn't know and/or do care, is the Official Song of Tailgating 2019 in the grassy knoll just north of the G30 sign ...
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The Statisticals.
(Note: no Week Ten picks were submitted due to three reasons -- (a) I spent all day Thursday and Friday at Research due to my dad's heart procedures (yes, plural -- let's not relive it, shall we?), (b) I spent a good chunk of Saturday driving to Nashville for the Chiefs / Titans game, then a bigger chunk enjoying Nashville, and (c) I refused to pay for WiFi for an hour Sunday morning to get a quick picks post up. Trust me kids, if you could see my Chase bill right now, you'd have agreed with that decision. #broadway #saturdaynight)
Season to Date SU: 81-53-1.
Season to Date ATS: 76-58-1.
Upset / Week Season to Date SU: 7-4-0.
Upset / Week Season to Date ATS: 8-3-0.
This Week's Upset / Week: another two-fer, since Week Nine's nailed both, and I love two underdogs this week. Give me the Eagles (+4) over Patriots, and the Texans (+4 1/2) over the Ravens.
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The Non-Chiefs Picks.
(Note: this week's picks post is likely to just be the picks and a couple quick hits, rather than the new classic modern novel that usually posts. I've been playing catchup from last week (lionel richie voice) all week long. Appreciate the patience. Also, the Nashville recap is much more fun to write than this thing, this week at least, and I hope to get it up by Sunday. And if I don't? #thatshowyouknowif*ckedup)
* Byes: Titans, Packers, Giants, Seahawks. At least I'm not crippled by bye issues, like last week, for fantasy football purposes. Also, at least two of these teams are making the playoffs. Put your hand down Seahawks -- I'm not so sure you're one of those two teams.
* My Thursday Night pick was at Browns (-3) 26, Steelers 16. Also, how Mason Rudolph is not suspended is beyond me. He started the brawl for Christ's sake. Double also -- why wouldn't Joe Buck drop the "donnybrook" line to describe that fight? He had two plus minutes to incorporate quality NHL language to describe that scene, and epically failed. Triple also -- why was Joe Buck more verbally offended by Randy Moss fake mooning the crowd at Lambeau, than Miles Garrett nearly killing Mason Rudolph? #thatshowyouknowyouf*ckedup
* Texans (+4 1/2) 38, at Ravens 35 (OT). Words cannot express how fired up I am to see this game. I irrationally love young, talented quarterbacks arrive on the scene, let alone face each other with a significant chunk of the scene on the line, like this game is. And damn, my man crush on Deshaun Watson is ridiculous at this point.
* Cowboys 31, at Lions (+6 1/2) 28. Thank you, Lions medical training staff, for not informing us of Matthew Stafford's injury until no time remained to competently replace him in my fantasy lineup. If I miss the postseason because of this (and odds are I will, since I am projected to finish seventh in a league that sends six to the postseason), I might erupt. (Note: I missed the playoffs last year due to Kareem Hunt's suspension the night before our final regular season week. Or at least I tell myself that. (reputable cbs sportsline columnist voice) I'd have whipped your ass even with Kareem dude!))
* at Bucs (+5) 34, Saints 24. Are the 2019 Saints the 1998 Chiefs? A legit Super Bowl contender whose starting QB gets hurt, misses six weeks, the backup does a marvelous job, and then the team tanks when the starter returns? If they lose this week, they're in contention for that honor. After all, Drew Brees can't both throw and catch the ball. Only Marcus Mariota can do that * . (Pause). Yeah, gotta. Chiefs 2017 Defense in that playoff game? #thatshowyouknowyouf*ckedup
(*: I still contend even more amazing than that play, is that I laid my credit card out at everyone's "favorite lounge" after that game to cover my group's tab, had to literally be carried out of said "lounge" because I was so intoxicated I passed out, woke up at noon the next day, and my tab ... was $32. As much as I love Carla, our usual weekend bartender down there? Girl? That night? Gotta. #thatshowyouknowyouf*ckedup I should have owed you $322, if we're being fair and honest. Only one of which I'm ever accused of being.)
* at Panthers (-4 1/2) 31, "Shane" Falcons 20. I got nothing.
* Jaguars (+2 1/2) 13, at Colts 10. Rooting for chaos in the wild card standings, kids. Rooting for abject and total chaos.
* at Vikings (-10) 45, those people 0. I managed to catch most of the second half of the Vikings / Cowboys game when we stopped for dinner on the way back from Nashville. And I have to say, how Jason Garrett wasn't fired after that game, is beyond me. Jerry Jones has fired offensive coordinators at halftime before, for crying out loud! I'd have sh*t canned Mr. Garrett before he left the sideline. That final few minutes was one of the worst coaching performances in modern NFL history. And yes, you can blame Kellen Moore and whoever the hell the Cowboys special teams coach is for most of the mistakes, but at the end of the day, Mr. Garrett is responsible for his assistants. In the words of Jim Mora Senior: "that was a horsesh*t performance. Horsesh*t!" #thatshowyouknowyouf*ckedup
* Jets (+2 1/2) 20, at Redskins 10. Let's do this. (promo voice) Browning Nagle Junior! The latest f*ck up and failure at QB from Ohio State! Gase! "Sur" William Callahan! ** CBS's F team of announcing! The two worst teams in football! A two thirds empty FedEx Field! ONLY ... CBS!!!!!!!!
(**: who else misses the "Cock O' The Walk", Jim Rose? Nobody? I thought so. And Jesus, Nebraska football? My God, #youhavef*cedup the last two decades.)
* at Dolphins (+7) 17, Bills 13. Can the Bills really go from 6-2 to out of the playoffs? Before you laugh, that's exactly what your Carolina Panthers did last year, via a seven game losing streak.
* at 49ers 27, "Super" Cardinals (+10) 24 (OT). Let's hope this game is as good as the Thursday nighter they played two weeks ago. (Note: I think it will be.) Also, how great was that Monday nighter? I swore I was going to bed at halftime to make up for all the sleep I didn't get last week and weekend ... only I couldn't turn the damned thing off. Kudos to the NFL for actually giving ESPN a watchable schedule this season.
(And man, is the Monday Night finale looking like an (abba voice) "the winner takes it all" scenario -- Packers at Vikings. This stretch run is gonna be fun to watch, folks. So much fun -- it is a three letter word, after all -- that it might make quadrapalegics stand up!)
(Poor Joe. Buddy? #thatshowyouknowyouf*cedup)
* at Eagles (+4) 28, Patriots 17. Total gut feeling. Which means I probably drank too much last night. #thatshowiknowif*ckedup
* at raiders 28, Bengals (+12) 17. This line is five points too high. I mean, come on. The raiders should not be double digit favorites against anyone, anywhere. Even Chucky knows that.
* at Rams (-7) 51, Bears 13. Hide the women and children. This is going to be an ass kicking of Biblical proportions.
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The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
God bless it, the kliffhanger!
Sleeping with who, khamp? I mean, I've had my share of "that's how you know you f*cked up" hookups. #stripper #cripple #chickwithamustache #onthesamenight
But who, pray tell, is this tweet kommenting about? A kandy strip(p)er at a hospital? A kustomer service rep at the blowtorch that is 810 WHB? A koffee delivery khick? Who? The greater metropolitan Kansas Kity Kommunity has a right to know, korrect?
Man, that kliffhanger is kausing me to feel krazy!
Also, if "three runs and it's over" describes Kaptain Klassy's "battle plan in the bedroom", let alone on a Perfect Village street, parked in his kar, with his khakis down below his knees, as a kid passing as a kompensated kolleague is accepting a khallenge to discover whether or not he is kircumsized?
I need to go kozy up with my kommode in a hurry, over that visual ...
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The Tailgating Plans.
There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is a Chiefs game I will not be attending person.
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The Watching Party Plans.
We'll be at McFadden's, probably around 6:30ish. I'll be there by 5:30 to try to grab us the table up front by the ski ball games. (They're a great stress reliever!) Feel free to come out and join if you want or need a place to watch the game. (I believe McFadden's has comped us $300 for Monday night. Challenge accepted!)
Oh, and duh: #wegonnabef*ckedup
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Stevo Neighborhood Update.
So last Friday, my Mom and I have been at Research for pushing four hours, and we're hungry as hell. My Uncle Bill shows up to relieve us for a couple hours to let us go get some lunch, while we're waiting for Dad to get prepped for Surgery Dos, and since we're pretty much down in my part of town, my Mom asks where we should go for lunch.
I ask her what she's hungry for, and she says "I'm craving a burger". So, off to The Well we go.
Between us, we had two Well burgers (phenomenal as always), a couple beers (Shiner Bock nation, represent!), and a couple waters.
Our tab was $23 and change. Pretty reasonable, especially when that tab went down a couple bucks thanks to the restaurant card I bought for my nephew's baseball team, that takes 20% off your tab at The Well. So we walked out barely paying $25, with a muy generoso tip.
I mention this, because the day before, last Thursday, in the exact same scenario? (Well, save for it was Surgery Uno, not Dos?)
Mom and I went to Panera in Brookside.
Our tab, with no alcohol, and no discount(s) after the tab arrived?
Was $30 and change.
In what sane world, does it cost more to eat at a (to be fair, uuh, fairly decent) chain restaurant, than it does to eat at a locally loved establishment?
Panera was ten dollars more than The Well! And they didn't have Shiner Bock on tap! Or any beer on tap for that matter!
Panera?
Yeah, gotta.
#thatshowyouknowyouf*ckedup
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Disreputable Mexican Food Truck Update.
We haven't seen said Disreputable Food Truck in over two weeks. And it's not only not parked on North Broadway next to the Children's Mercy Doctors' offices ... it's nowhere within a ten block radius of where I work. (Trust me: we've looked. It ain't there.)
The natives in the Penn Tower complex are getting restless for (semi) quality Mexican food delivered out of a food truck that couldn't pass state emission standards, to put it mildly.
Please come back, Disreputable Mexican Food Truck! I swear, I'll drop the "Disreputable" from the name if you do!
Because not having you as a part of life right now?
#thatshowyouknowyouf*ckedup
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The Flashback.
Really, you have nine to choose from:
1. Chiefs 13, Chargers 20, Week Fifteen, 1989. The defeat cost the Chiefs a playoff berth. Also, it's about the damned coldest game I've ever attended.
2. Chiefs 0, Chargers 17, Wild Card, 1992. My sixteenth birthday. And the defeat ended the Chiefs season. Yeah. #thatshowyouknowyouf*ckedup
3. Chiefs 23, Chargers 17 (OT), Week Six 1995. "No Flags!"
4. Chiefs 30, Chargers 27, Week Seven 2006. Tynes from 48 ... Tynes from 53!
5. Chiefs 21, Chargers 14, Week One 2010. Tuesday Morning Football.
6. Chiefs 23, Chargers 20 (OT), Week Eight 2011. The Phumble.
7. Chiefs 33, Chargers 27 (OT), Week One 2016. The greatest comeback in franchise history.
8. Chiefs 37, Chargers 27, Week Seventeen 2016. The last game in San Diego.
9. Chiefs 38, Chargers 28, Week One 2018. Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs" arrival on the scene, as the first franchise quarterback this, uuh, franchise has had, since Len Dawson.
Even though 3 is my favorite Chiefs play of all time ... I went with 7.
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Picking the Chiefs This Season.
(Note: my pick for Week Ten would have been Chiefs (-4) 30, at Titans 20, so I'll include it, even though I technically didn't submit it ... oh, and obviously: #thatshowyouknowif*ckedup)
Straight Up: 5-5-0 (L Jaguars, W raiders, W Ravens, W Lions, L Colts, L Texans, W those people, L Packers, W Vikings, L Titans).
Against the Spread: 5-5-0 (L Jaguars, W raiders, W Ravens, L Lions, L Colts, W Texans, W those people, L Packers, W Vikings, L Titans).
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The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.
November 8, 2016, is not a day I look back on with fond memories. (Even if I saw it coming.) And I'm guessing at least some of you reading this, share my contempt and disgust for that day.
(Although, to be fair, some of you are probably cracking open a bottle of champagne all over again, for what happened that day.)
If you recall, by 10pm CT that god-awful evening, every major network had realized what most of us political junkies knew: the entire election came down to the "Blue Wall" -- the four states that never failed to vote Democrat for two generations.
Pennsylvania. Michigan. Wisconsin. Minnesota.
As we're all aware, the "Blue Wall" failed, and failed epically, by the thinnest of margins. President Trump won Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania combined, by fewer votes than fans who fill up Beaver Stadium or the Big House every Saturday. (Note: I don't think Camp Randall holds 80,000 people ... but you get my point, hopefully.)
And that point, is that no matter how safe you think your, uuh, fail safe line is, it's always vulnerable.
Chiefs fans? We have reached our Hindenburg Line, we have reached our Siegfried Line, we have reached the Gates of Richmond *** , we have reached the Gates of Moscow, we have reached our 38th Parallel Line, we have reached our Blue Wall. There is no more margin for error. There is no room left to trade for time, no room left to retreat and rebuild.
(***: other than "The Ultimate Evil", it's my favorite book I've ever read.)
In fact, while we still technically control our own destiny for the division?
So do your oakland raiders ... and so do your (Insert Destination Here) "Super" Chargers.
All three rivals are in the same position: win out, and you win the division.
Now, since all three teams still play a few games against each other, only one could possibly win out, and odds are none of them will. But the odds are, the team that loses the fewest games down the stretch, wins the West, hosts a very beatable Colts or Bills or Steelers or AFC South squad in the Wild Card round, and gets a chance to face a winnable divisional roadie in New England or Baltimore. (The beauty of the AFC this year is that no playoff contender is legitimately a touchdown underdog anywhere ... save for possibly Buffalo, or Indy without Brissett.)
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Speaking as a Chiefs fan, there are three things I want, if my team makes the playoffs and has to play on Wild Card weekend for the second time in three years, and fourth time in seven:
a. I want in as a Divisional Champion, because that would mean the game would be at Arrowhead. I'll somehow free up enough room on the Chase card after last weekend, to afford to be there. (Hello cash float from the parental units! (cue my dad having another "cardiac event".) Just kidding. I'll make it work.)
b. I want the game on Saturday night, because prime time at Arrowhead rules, and it gives you not only all day Saturday to "properly prepare" for the game to come, but all day Sunday to recover from the game. And
c. I want the raiders as the opponent. Because Chiefs / raiders, in the playoffs, in prime time? Is what this league SHOULD be all about! And good God, if Browns / Steelers ends in a donnybrook, what will we get in a Chiefs / raiders playoff game? The Melee of the Millenium? The Hoedown, Throwdown, Showdown to make Coach Fambrough Jealous? The possibilities are endless, peoples and peepettes. Absolutely endless!
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The only one of those the Chiefs control is (a). If they win these next two, they're all but assured of being (a), if we're being honest here. A win Monday night all but eliminates the "Super" Chargers from any playoff consideration. (They'd fall to 4-7, and would have to win out, or at worst only lose to the Vikings in Week Fifteen, because an 8-8 wild card is in play for the AFC ... but I still think it'll require (at least) nine wins, to get in, given the raiders and Bills remaining schedules.)
A win Monday night also ensures the Chiefs will be no worse than tied with the raiders when they come to Arrowhead in two weeks, and the Chiefs currently hold the tiebreaker via their win in oakland two months ago. Win Monday, and win December 1st (which is almost certainly to be flexed to the CBS National slot when flexing occurs on Tuesday), and the division is all but over, likely to be clinched against those people in Week Fifteen.
But lose Monday, and the "Super" Chargers are suddenly one back, with tiebreaker, and the finale at Arrowhead to go. The raiders then move into the drivers seat for the division title, and that is something I'm not ready to wrap my head around yet.
To say Monday is a big game for the Red and Gold? To haul out a classic that sadly never gets said anymore: "is an understatement so grouse, it's Zues in nature!"
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I really wish this game Monday night was at Arrowhead. I'd feel a lot more confident about it, if it was. I'd rather have had the Monday nighter here, and close out there to end the season, instead of the inverse we have.
But as every degenerate gambler (hey, that's me!) knows?
Every hand's a winner, and every hand's a loser. And the best you can hope for? Is to die in your sleep.
I think -- no, I know -- this hand's a winner. Not a Five Aces at the Pai Gow table kind of winner ... but at least a Full House.
And no, not the sh*ttacular Bob Saget, John Stamos, and Dave "Cut It Out!" Coulier sitcom "Full House".
* Chiefs (-4) 35, vs "Super" Chargers 24 (Game in Mexico).
Let's all hope and pray, I didn't f*ck this pick up ...
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