No crib for His bed.
The Little Lord Jesus?
Laid down His sweet head.
The stars in the sky?
Looked down where He lay.
The Little Lord Jesus?
Asleep on the hay.
The cattle are lowing;
The poor Baby wakes.
But Little Lord Jesus?
No crying He makes.
I love Thee, Lord Jesus --
Look down from the sky.
And stay by my cradle?
'Til morning is night ..."
-- "Away in a Manger", done by the greatest.
--------------------
Well, well, well.
If any of you Chiefs fans reading this saw the destruction of the century coming Sunday afternoon and into the early evening, raise your hands!
(Note: my hand is not lifted.)
I thought this would be a competitive, hard fought contest that would come down to whoever had the ball last. It appears I was wr ... wr ... wr ... definitely incorrect.
Sunday's 40-9 "bend over, assume the position, and take the business" devastation of the raiders means the Chiefs are all but a lock to win a fourth consecutive division championship. And in case you think that's a "nice but ultimately not neat" stat, consider: I turn 43 on Wild Card weekend. In my (exactly, as of today) 42 years and 11 months on this planet, the Chiefs had won a division championship just five -- five! -- times, prior to "Fat" Andy's arrival. (1993, 1995, 1997, 2003, 2010). It seems (and no doubt is) surreal to realize, that "Fat" Andy has accomplished damned near as much in four years, as every other coach of my lifetime combined has accomplished!
And with a combination of two Chiefs wins and/or raiders and/or Steelers and/or Titans and/or Colts defeats, he will almost match the immortal Marty Schottenheimer, by making the playoffs in six out of seven seasons. (Marty did it from 1990-1995, plus 1997.)
That's freaking crazy, when you think about it.
Also crazy, and like the above paragraph, in a good way?
The extortion email has arrived! Always -- always! -- my favorite read of the year:
(note: I still miss when this came old-school "letter in the mail" style. That sucker used to get posted on the fridge, just to remind everyone who saw it that yes, we're paying to witness another January meltdown.)
Playoff tickets go on sale to us STM's on Wednesday, and to Jackson County residents on Thursday. (So I'm good either way!) Nothing says being a Chiefs Season Ticket Member like being asked to pony up hundreds of thousands of dollars two weeks before Christmas!
(And nothing says "why the hell did I buy a car in December?", like getting the other "extortion letter", the Jackson County property tax bill, in the mail last weekend. I owe more on New Tito, than I pay a month for the privilege of driving it (albeit barely):
Pray for Stevo, people. He gonna be damned broke by Hanukkah. Especially if he goes to Chicago in three weeks for the Chiefs game.)
In any event, here are your AFC standings as of this "nowhere near as cold as Sunday" Tuesday in Kansas City * :
(*: just look at the bottom line of the division leaders, and the top line of the credible wild card contenders. I can already hear our "good friend", the "King of Self Righteous Hypocrisy", Ol' Pete, uuh, King, screaming "how dare a team with a lesser record host a wild card game!" Pete? Ol' Buddy, Ol' Pal, Ol' Descomisado? Division Championships trump Wild Card Berths. There's a reason why the Chiefs don't fly banners celebrating 1986, 1990, 1991, 1992, 1994, 2006, 2013, or 2015. And why banners do fly honoring 1993, 1995, 1997, 2003, 2010, 2016, 2017, 2018, and come next Sunday, 2019, after we sodomize those people and Ryan Leaf drew lock's career. Because Division Championships ALWAYS trump Wild Card Berths.
And yes, just typing "trump", probably triggered Mr. King. Good. He can cry about it in one of his "nobody gives a damn" coffee recommendations.
Also, I forgot to remove the Colts tiebreaker over the Titans. That doesn't exist anymore, after last week's Titans win. Sorry 'bout that. I'll try to do this better next week.)
Anyways, before I go off on an
* Biggest Game: Ravens at Bills (Sunday, noon CT, CBS). Holy holidays, Batman! What a fascinating match up to open the stretch run! A surging Bills squad fresh off giving the business to hapless Jason Garrett and his thoroughly unprepared Cowboys ... facing a Ravens team that hasn't lost since September, and looks better every week ** .
The Bills have to have this one (plus hope the Chiefs do what I certainly hope they will do), to have a shot at catching the Patriots for the division. (They face the Patriots in Week Sixteen. Also: my AFC East preseason prediction doesn't look so bat sh*t crazy right now, does it?)
The Ravens can all but clinch a bye with a victory here (and a Chiefs loss), and I believe they can clinch the AFC Norris with a few breaks.)
This folks, is gonna be one fun ride to, uuh, ride along with.
* Root For: Bills. Their fans deserve this. Also, while the back door to steal a bye is still cracked for the Chiefs even if the Ravens win, if the Ravens lose? The side door starts to swing open, and the garage door opener button gets pushed.
(**: am I the only one grateful we played those guys in September, and the Patriots in December, and not the other way around? Because I think Baltimore would walk into Arrowhead and win if that game was today, and I'd much rather deal with the Patriots as they currently exist, than how they existed three months ago.)
* Second Biggest Game: Titans at raiders (Sunday, 3:25pm CT, CBS). Neither team is officially eliminated with a loss (especially if the loser is the Titans, as they somehow, some way, still pretty much control their own destiny in the AFC South). But with the raiders all but locked out of the divisional race, and the Titans likely to at best split with the Texans over the next three weeks (thus handing the South to Houston ... oh Houston! Means that I'm one day closer to you!), this is a virtual playoff game.
I don't know why I feel about this game as I do. I've watched both of these teams in person over the last four weeks. One team is clearly superior to the other. And yet, if I had a Lock O' The Week in the picks piece *** , it would be the raiders.
* Root For: Titans. I want one of these two to open the postseason at Arrowhead. I'd prefer the raiders ... but as someone far smarter than me once noted, the hardest thing in sports is to beat the same NFL team three times in a year. It almost never happens. (Unless the raiders are involved, of course. Then it routinely happens.)
Plus, if it's the Titans we open against, no offense, but in the words of Randy Quaid's character in "Independence Day": "payback is a b*tch boys!". The Titans cost us the playoffs in 2014, cost us home field advantage in 2016, knocked us from the postseason in 2017, and just humiliated us in Nashville four weeks ago.
To b*stardize our late, great Ol' Pardner: "we owe those f*ckers".
(***: yes, I know, I forgot to make an Upset O' The Week pick last week. Probably a good thing, because my upset would have been the 49ers over the Ravens.)
* Third Biggest Game: those people at Texans (Sunday, noon CT, CBS). So, the drew lock
Oh well. At least the antichrist gets to see what a real franchise quarterback looks like this weekend. Too bad for him and his demon-indwelt roster of talentless, classless, unlovable losers, said franchise quarterback is facing them, not joining them.
* Root For: those people. I know those people ain't winning ... but the Chiefs somehow have to get ahead of Houston, to steal the desperately needed bye. All we have to do is catch Baltimore or the Patriots (if we win Sunday) ... but we have to pass Houston, thanks to tiebreakers.
Also, remember for next week, Chiefs fans -- Ryan Leaf opened 2-0 in his career, and looked like the real deal, until his third career start ... which came at Arrowhead. It was his defining moment. I cannot wait to repeat history, when drew lock leads those people into Arrowhead next week. #soready #thedayilivefor
Other Rooting Interests.
* Steelers at "Super" Cardinals: "Super" Cardinals. A Steelers defeat throws the "race" for the six seed into abject chaos. Sign me up! Also, kudos to the NFL for flexing Bills at Steelers into next Sunday's prime time slot (booting out the Vikings at "Super" Chargers). Common sense begged the "why was Vikings at "Super" Chargers slated for prime time?!?!?!" question when the schedule came out seven months ago ... but at least that wrong has been righted. Because other than Vikings fans, who would have tuned in to that not even remotely sexy hookup?
* Colts at Bucs: Bucs. Always root for the other conference. Especially when the team in your conference has already dominated your ass in your building earlier in the season, and there's still a reasonable shot they'll get a, uuh, shot, to dominate your ass in your building again this season.
* Bengals at Browns: Bengals. A Bengals win all but officially eliminates the Browns. (And if John Dorsey is 1.24% as smart as I think he is, eliminates Freddie Kitchen's job, and deservedly so. Browns fans deserve better than to have a clueless dolt p*ss away Baker Mayfield's first few years of his career.)
* "Super" Chargers at Jaguars: "Super" Chargers. Hear me out on this. Odds are the "Super" Chargers finish in the basement of the division. (Somehow, those people swept them this season. That alone should get Anthony Lynn fired.)
It'd be nice to see them, and those people, and even the raiders, all wind up as close to .500 as possible, to screw their draft positioning. And given the "Super" Chargers are likely to go all in on phyllis' successor (jimmy buffett voice) come April, I'd much rather have them land in the 13-16 range and have to waste picks to trade up, to get said successor. I think I'm right about this. Right?
* Dolphins at Jets: Dolphins. #firegase #now #please I mean, let me tell you, since the Jets are my 1B team, I've endured a lot as a Jets fan in my life. The Fake Spike. Losing a playoff game to "Sur" William Callahan. Everything Bruce Coslet, dick kotite, Al
(stevo sighing in deep disgust voice) And oh yeah -- pick a draft pick, Any draft pick.
Hang on. (stevo chugging rubbing alcohol to numb the pain, Kitty Dukakis style ...)
All of it -- combined! -- hasn't made me as disgusted as last Sunday did. It's one thing to lose to a winless team to close November / begin December. Sh*t, the Chiefs did it in 2000.
But to not even bother to try to compete? When you're still alive for a playoff berth (and actually controlled their own destiny, as unreal as that seems)?
That's a FIREABLE offense.
Carolina fired "Riverboat" Ron Rivera today, for the (very) fireable offense of losing to "Sur" William Callahan.
Which begs the Captain Oats in the room:
What the f*ck are the Jets waiting for? ...
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