Glory to the Newborn King!
Peace on earth, and mercy mild;
God and sinners? Reconciled.
Joyful all ye nations rise!
Join the triumph of the skies!
With angelic hosts proclaim?
Christ is born! In Bethlehem!
Hark! The herald angels sing!
Glory to the Newborn King! ...
-- "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing!".
--------------------
It's hard to believe there's only two weeks left until the postseason begins. The Chiefs are comfortably in the (hootie johnson voice) toonumunt; the only question now is whether they can steal a bye, or are destined to play on my 43rd birthday weekend.
(Note: I'm rooting for the former ... although the latter wouldn't suck. Well, other than the whole "turning 43" part. But hey -- my brother just turned 40, and my mom is about to turn 70. It could be worse! (Pause). What? (Pause). Well, yes! I am fully aware the Chiefs were shut out on my 16th birthday, lost the most painful defeat of my existence on my 21st, whizzed away the Immaculate Fourfecta on my 30th, authored the second greatest collapse in postseason history on my 37th, and ultimately fell one game short of possible greatness on my 39th. Other than that, yo -- being a Chiefs fan is f*cking awesome!)
Anyways, let's move on, shall we?
Here are your AFC standings as of this fine Tuesday afternoon:
(*: the Texans should have tiebreaker over the Titans, not themselves. My apologies.)
And here are your games of importance, with your Chiefs Rooting Interests:
* Biggest Game: Bills at Patriots (Saturday, 3:30pm CT, NFLN). Thanks to the ridiculous p*ssing match between DirecTV Now (or AT&T Now, or whatever the hell that shady ass corporation feels like naming itself today) and the NFL Network, I'll have to find a bar to watch this one.
Which is fine; I live in Waldo for a reason, for crying out loud, and it isn't the affordability of the housing, or the convenience of the location. (Pause). Well, ok, that last one is true, but definitely not the former.
Realistically, this is probably the Chiefs best chance to steal the bye. And in fact, the Chiefs will know exactly where they stand at kickoff Sunday night, because they are the last AFC team to, uuh, kick off in Week Sixteen. (The Monday Nighter is Packers at Vikings, which should be phenomenal.)
We'll know by kickoff if the Browns can upset the Ravens for the second time (more on this below), if the Texans can clinch the AFC South and all but eliminate the Titans (more on this below), and if the Bills can do what the Chiefs just did two weeks ago: go into Foxboro and dominate an inferior opponent, like good teams do.
* Root For: Bills. Again, this is the most realistic option to obtain a bye: the Bills storm into Foxboro and spring the upset, while the Chiefs win out. However ...
... there is one still semi-plausible, dare to dream it, almost bat sh*t crazy enough to possibly be realistic, back door scenario that would completely throw the AFC bracket into abject chaos ...
* Second Biggest Game: Ravens at Browns (Sunday, noon CT, CBS). And that is if the Browns -- who are still (barely) credibly alive in the battle for the six seed -- can hold serve at home and upset the Ravens. (The Browns already won in Week Four in Crab Cake City, 40-25.)
The Ravens close with the Steelers at home, and the Steelers cannot clinch a playoff berth this weekend, even with a win at the Jets. They will be in must-win mode in Week Seventeen, no matter what happens on Sunday at the Fake Meadowlands, or what happens elsewhere in the AFC this weekend.
(The Titans, Browns, and raiders can all win a tie with the Steelers if any or all wind up at 8-8 with the Steelers ... and Dios con Mio, how awesome would a four way tie at 8-8 that would likely come down to Strength of Victory be? It's just a shame the Colts were eliminated last night, to preclude a five way possibility at 8-8.)
So imagine this, Chiefs fans: the Ravens fall to a still alive Browns team in Cleveland, and then the Steelers rise up and beat them in the finale, to clinch the six seed for the Terrible Towels. (I believe, if the Steelers get to nine wins, they're in, unless Tennessee gets to ten. I believe both Pittsburgh and Tennessee at nine, gives the Steelers the bid. But it's pushing 8pm on a "typical Tuesday" in the Casa de Stevo, which means I'm on bottle number two of the pinot grigio, so I can't claim to be cor ... corr ... correc ... possibly not wrong.)
So, follow me. The Ravens lose their last two, to two desperate teams fighting for the right to get annihilated in the wild card round. The Patriots lose to the Bills on Saturday. And the Chiefs beat the Bears (eliminated) and Chargers (eliminated) to close the season.
In that scenario? The Chiefs not only get a bye ... they get home field advantage throughout the AFC playoffs! You gotta believe kids! Believe in a Chrismukkah miracle!
* Root For: Browns. As a side note, this is the game we get on Channel 5 at noon. Good job, KCTV!
* Third Biggest Game: Saints at Titans (Sunday, noon CT, FOX). This is our noon FOX game here in KC, and circle me happy about that. Because if there is one team I want no part of in January, it is your Tennessee Titans. I want no part of that franchise. They own us.
As noted a few weeks ago, the Titans loss cost us a wild card in 2014, the Titans loss cost us home field advantage in 2016, we lost to the Titans in the 2017 playoffs, and I still am in denial over what I witnessed a month ago in Music City. (The only win against the Titans in the "Fat" Andy era? Was the day my dad dropped dead twice in an hour, and was under for four days. NOTHING good happens when the Titans are involved, for the Red and Gold.)
The Titans cannot be eliminated no matter what happens, but they're in a similar position to the Chiefs, in that they'll know if they're alive for the division, or playing for a wild card,
Conversely, the Saints are still very much alive for a bye in the NFC, and still have an outside shot at home field advantage (although they'll need help from your "Super" Cardinals and Rams, this weekend, to still have said outside shot). If any team needs home field, I'd argue it's the Saints. They're a far different team in the Dome, than they are on the road.
(Then again, they blew out the Seahawks in Seattle, without Drew Brees, and somehow collapsed against the 49ers in said Dome two weeks ago ... so I may just be talking out of my ass here.)
* Root For: Saints. A no-brainer really. And considering I'm often accused of lacking any credible form of mental capacity, this interest is truly is a no-brainer.
* Other Rooting Interests.
* Texans at Bucs (Saturday, noon CT, NFLN). Bucs. Keep the AFC South alive for one more week. Plus, a Houston loss coupled with a Chiefs win ensures we won't be welcoming the Bills to Arrowhead for a wild card game. That would not suck. That Bills defense be scary.
* Steelers at Jets (Sunday, noon CT, CBS). Jets. Abject chaos for the six seed, folks. Root for abject f*cking chaos.
* raiders at "Super" Chargers (Sunday, 3:05pm CT, CBS). "Super" Chargers. It's all about screwing draft position for these two teams. The raiders have six wins; the "Super" Chargers have five. Considering both teams figure to be looking for a quarterback in April, root for them to finish as high in the standings as possible, so that they have to expend draft capital to move into the top six or seven to get their dude.
* Lions at those people (Sunday, 3:05pm CT, CBS). those people. Yes, I know, I hate that team so much I won't even refer to them by name. But here's hoping they close with at least one more win, to go from top ten to somewhere around fifteen in the draft.
* Bengals at Dolphins (Sunday, noon CT, CBS). Bengals, I guess. Both teams are in the quarterback market this offseason. Although neither will probably have to expend extra picks, to get who they want.
I'm working on a recap of the Snow Game from Sunday; I hope to have that up next. Because God bless it, was that fun on Sunday. So f*cking fun!
(Or, as the current working title reads: "Chiefs! those people! Where Stevo accidentally texts his mom "this is so f*cking cool!" happens ...")
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