chiefs week seventeen rooting interests

"Oh come, all ye faithful,

Joyful and triumphant.

Oh come ye, oh come ye

To Bethlehem.

Come and behold Him!

Born the King of Angels!

Oh come let us adore Him!

Oh come let us adore Him!

Oh come let us adore Him!

Christ!  The Lord!!! ..."

-- "O Come, All Ye Faithful".  If I've said it once, I've said it at least four thousand times: Indy will never be the same, without Jim and Flo ...

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And so, here we are.  One week left in the regular season.

In the AFC, the only seeds locked in are the first (Ravens) and the fifth (Bills).  Our Chiefs can finish anywhere from second to fourth.  The Patriots can finish second or third.  The Texans can finish third or fourth.

And barring something unforeseen at this point, the sixth seed (and hopeful likely possible sacrificial lamb to the Chiefs to open the postseason) will be earned not on the field ... but via strength of victory tiebreaker.  Not even I could have drawn up something so spectacular for Week Seventeen, like what we've got: a very realistic four team parlay to get the raiders into the playoffs.

In the words of the Zac Brown Band: "life is good today.  Life is good today!"

Here is where we stand entering the regular season finale:

And here, for the final time in 2019, are your Chiefs Rooting Interests.

* Biggest Game: Dolphins at Patriots (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  I really thought the Bills were gonna do it Saturday night.  Alas, they fell one score short, keeping the Patriots locked into the two slot, and the bye that comes with it ... for now.  

To clinch the two seed and the bye, all the Patriots have to do, is something they have done every season for ten years and counting: score (at least) one more point in Foxboro, than the Dolphins do.

Look it, I'm not optimistic the Dolphins can do this.  For cocktails, the Patriots have already beaten the Dolphins by forty three points in Miami.  For appetizers, the Dolphins haven't beaten a team with a winning record (whoops: Philly is now 8-7!), and nearly p*ssed away a twenty five point lead with seven minutes to play yesterday to the worst team in football.  For the main course, the Patriots never lose divisional games at home.  And for dessert, the last time the Dolphins won in Foxboro, Matt Effing Cassel started for the Patriots.

I see no sane, rational reason to hope for anything positive to happen here.  

And yet, this is the first domino that has to fall, to sort out the AFC.  Because if the Patriots do what anyone with an IQ above that of a corpse expects them to do on Sunday (namely, get up 24-0 at halftime), then decisions have to be made at Arrowhead (in real time) and NRG Reliant (an hour or so later), regarding Patrick "Mahomes" of the Chiefs and Deshaun Watson.  And those decisions -- especially the one Bill O'Brien will be making shortly after 3pm Sunday -- are going to affect a lot of team's playoff hopes and chances.  To say nothing of their own team's seeding hopes and chances.

Root For: Dolphins.  Duh.  Just don't get your hopes up.  Remember, the Chiefs absolute rock-bottom, worst case scenario, is hosting Buffalo next week.  (Well, actually, our absolute rock-bottom, worst case scenario is hosting Buffalo next week with Chad Henne under center, but let's all hope and pray that doesn't happen.)  

We're playing at least once in January for the fifth straight year, and playing at least once in January at home, for the fifth straight year as well.  (Assuming you count the 2015 regular season finale as a January home game, and since it was played on my 39th birthday, you're damned right I count it.  Also, my 44th birthday will be the regular season finale next season.  Let's all hope and pray it's against those people at Arrowhead.)

* Second Biggest Game: Titans at Texans (Sunday, 3:25pm CT, CBS).  This game has huge ramifications for the Chiefs, no matter what happens in our game.  If the Chiefs win Sunday, then they can do no worse than the three seed, leaving the Texans with nothing to play for but pride ... and to knock Tennessee out of the playoffs, which matters because if the playoffs started today, the kryptonite known as the Titans would be our first opponent.  The Chiefs have lost five straight to the Titans, most in embarrassing fashion (including six weeks ago in Nashville).

Conversely, if the Chiefs lose on Sunday, then Houston is playing for the three seed, and a chance to avoid the vs Buffalo / at Baltimore draw that they have little shot of surviving.  (The Ravens already destroyed the Texans by five touchdowns last month ... although for what it's worth, I think Buffalo is a paper tiger, a 1995 Detroit Lions.  Teams are fearing them for no credible reason.)

* Root For: Texans.  I think.  I'm basing that on my belief that the Chiefs will take care of business against the Chargers on Sunday * .  That, and the only team in the entire AFC field that truly terrifies me is the Texans ** .  I'd rather host them in the Title Game, than have to go down there, should we meet up on MLK Weekend.

(*: how weird is it, that if the Chiefs lose Sunday, they'll finish 4-4 at home?  For all the talk about Terrorhead, it's been very, very ordinary this season.  (Pause).  Of course, the flip is that the Chiefs went 7-1 on the road (the only loss by three in Nashville), which is probably a good thing when you'll likely have to win twice on the road, to get to Miami *** .)

(**: yes, I mean that.  The ONLY playoff (or possible playoff) team the AFC has to offer that scares me, is the Texans.  Because we know they can win at Arrowhead.  They did it two months ago.  We know Lamar Jackson can't handle us in peak bat-sh*t crazy crowd form.  We know we can beat Tom Brady anywhere.  (Or lose to him anywhere as well, but whatever.)  The ONLY AFC squad that terrifies me, is Houston ... because Deshaun Watson is that damned good.)

(***: go ahead, sing it.  "Pat Mahomes!  Take Me Home!  To the Place!  We Belong!  Kansas City!  To Miami!  Take Me Home!  Pat Mahomes!"  Whoever wrote this is a f*cking genius.  "Franchise QBs?  Changing Like the Leaves!  Huddled At the Goalline?  Shouting "Let's Go Chiefs!"  Pat Mahomes!  Oh Take Me Home!  To the Place!  We Belong!  Kansas City!  To Miami!  **** Take Me Home!  Pat Mahomes!"  Absolute genius.)

(****: also, if the Royals victory parade drew 800,000 people (or one out of every three that live in the KC Metro area), then brace for three million, come the first Tuesday in February, 2020, to flood Penn Valley Park and every available inch of space surrounding it, if the Chiefs win up winning their final ten games this season.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Good point -- their final nine games, if the Dolphins pull off the impossible on Sunday.)

* Third Biggest Game: Steelers at Ravens (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  John Harbaugh came out today and said he was resting his starters.  I still don't think it'll matter.  They'll easily handle the Steelers, to eliminate them from postseason consideration ***** .  

(*****: of the three wild card contenders, I believe the Titans are the only one who can lose, and still get in (if everybody else loses too).  If the raiders lose, they are officially done.  (Ditto if the Colts lose -- more on them momentarily.)  If the Steelers lose, I believe they're also toast, because the Titans and raiders both hold Strength of Victory tiebreaker over them. 

Oh, and as for the "wait, how are the Colts out of it at 7-8 but the raiders are in it at 7-8" question, this one I do know, because it is essentially how the Chiefs got in, in 2006, via the Immaculate Fourfecta in Week Seventeen.  The Colts reaching 8-8 and tying the Titans at 8-8 eliminates Tennessee via divisional record (you eliminate within the division first).  It's why the Colts have to win, to get the raiders in; otherwise, the Titans would finish a game ahead of Indy, and render a divisional tiebreaker meaningless.  Also, how f*cking awesome are NFL tiebreakers!!!!  Not even fifteen year old me had this (brett voice) vivid of an imagination.)

Root For: Ravens.  Chaos, kids.  Chaos.  Also, there's a high likelihood we're going to get a Paxton Lynch sighting on Sunday afternoon for the Steelers.  Remember kids -- those people traded up to get him four years ago, and he couldn't beat out trevor siemian, who couldn't beat out "Brave" Brock Osweiler.  

(Please, those people -- never fire the antichrist.  So long as horse face is running your franchise, the only place you're going, is to a deeper layer of hell itself.)

Other Rooting Interests.

* Jets at Bills (Sunday, noon CT, CBS): Jets.  #firegase  #righteffingnow  Also, allow me to say, Buffalo does not frighten me, like it does a lot of people.  I would much rather face the Bills than the Titans.  But man, am I hoping and praying the opener is the raiders (if we have to play on Wild Card weekend).

* Browns at Bengals (Sunday, noon CT, CBS): riots in the stands amongst the fans ****** Browns.  The Bengals have already clinched the top pick in each round of The Draft.

(******: Sam Wyche is the best.)

* Colts at Jaguars (Sunday, 3:25pm CT, CBS): Colts.  If Indy loses, the dream of raiders at Chiefs next Saturday night drops dead.  And I'm not going to be happy, if the only reason I'm deprived of my dream playoff match up, is because a Jags team that quit in training camp rallies to "win one for Marrone".  (Pause).  Oh who am I kidding.  Colts big, peoples and peepettes.  The Colts won't screw this up.

* raiders at those people (Sunday, 3:25pm CT, CBS): terrorist attack raiders.  It's all there for you oakland.  You will take the field -- no matter what happens in the noon window -- still alive for the playoffs.  Just do your part, and trust the rest to work itself out.

After all, in the words of Stevo's Site Numero Dos' Official Color Commentator (Emeritus), the legendary Dan Dierdorf: "we've seen it before!"

(Well, not quite -- the Chiefs only needed eight outcomes across two weeks to reach the playoffs thirteen years ago.  The raiders need nine.  We got our eight.  They've gotten the first five.  C'mon raider nation -- you can do this!)

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And with that, the rooting interests posts for 2019 are over.  This season went by way too fast.  (Then again, all of 2019 went by way too fast.)

To everyone reading this: all the best this Chrismukkah season to you and yours, whoever and wherever you are.  Hug the hell out of those you love; smile politely and chug that pinot grigio as you tolerate those you don't.

And spoil the hell out of the kids -- naughty, nice, or (like me) straddling the line between the two on a daily basis.

Take a few minutes to remember why this amazing holiday exists.

(Other than Woodstock, Linus was always my favorite.)

And above all -- hey!

(sgt. esterhaus voice) Let's be careful out there ...