Hid your heart upon a shelf.
Scared of what it might cost,
To take it down for someone else.
'Cause loving him? You lost
Too much of yourself.
Baby? Can't you see?
That he's? Not me!
And I need you to know?
You can fall into me!
That my arms are wide open,
And will always be!
Right here waiting, staying strong --
Come and fall into me!
I'll follow any road;
Anywhere to get to you.
I'll open up my soul,
If that's what you need me to do.
Now baby it's your move;
All you've got to do,
Is just believe in love --
Just believe in us!
And I need you to know?
You can fall into me!
That my arms are wide open,
And will always be!
Right here waiting, staying strong --
Come and fall into me! ..."
-- "Fall Into Me" by Emerson Drive. (Pause). What? (Pause). Well yeah, I'm sick of looking for dance songs to use as the theme, and this is what popped up on my iPhone playlist! What's your point?
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(dr. nick riviera voice) Hi everybody! (Pause). What? (Pause). Well yeah, but you name a medical professional with a better catch phrase! I keep waiting for Devon * to get his sh*t together and come up with something lovable on "The Resident", but after three years, it probably ain't happening.
Anyways, today we're gonna knock out some of the left side of the bracket -- we're going to get the raiders / those people Regional and the Potpourri Regional down to their Sweet Sixteen teams. Tomorrow we'll knock the All NFC Regional and All AFC Regional down to their Sweet Sixteen teams. Thursday hopefully we'll get this down to the Final Four, and end this thing on Friday with a celebration of my four favorite (or four of my favorite, anyway) Chiefs games of the last seven years.
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(*: he might have in tonight's episode ** . "This isn't over!" / (looking completely defeated) "Yeah, it's not". Wait -- that's not really the quote I was going for. The poor guy is still batting less than .100 ... but at least he got to hook up tonight with someone other than that crazy ass fiance he dumped, and the even more bat sh*t crazy medical rep Julian. Progress! Also, I love "The Resident" way too much. I'm telling you, my Tuesdays are loaded -- "The Conners", "Bless This Mess", "The Resident", "NCIS", and now seven straight months of politics. Pray for my DVR folks. It needs it.)
(**: the fact that the primary plot on tonight's "The Resident" was focused on a brilliant person who cannot properly function in her job, without being at least buzzed, if not outright intoxicated? I've said it before, and I'll say it again: every great show on television, is poaching my real life!)
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In case you missed it, here's how the field was arrived at:
* The Thirty One Automatic Bids.
* The Thirty Seven At Large Bids.
* Bracketology.
(late 1980s nbc announcer voice) And now, Chiefs Bracketology (The Race To Figure Out My Favorite Game of the "Fat" Andy Reid Era), begins for real.
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The First Four Matchups.
raiders / those people Regional.
* vs raiders Week 13 2019 over at those people Week 11 2013.
Both matchups featured a road underdog entering the contest on a roll, looking to establish themselves as a viable threat to the crown the home team held -- the AFC West Championship.
Both matchups saw the road team get absolutely dominated in a nationally televised contest, proving that said road team wasn't quite yet ready to assume the position atop the division.
Given that the Chiefs were the home team in 2019 (a 40-9 ass kicking of the raiders that wasn't even that close), and the road team in 2013 (a 17-27 defeat at fake mile high that ended the winning streak at nine), I had to pick the game the Chiefs won, to, uuh, win and advance.
* Potpourri Regional.
* vs Patriots AFC Championship 2018 over vs Texans Week Six 2019.
Seems like a no-brainer -- pick the defeat that hurt worse, over the one that barely registered.
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The Round of Sixty Four.
raiders / those people Regional.
* 1 at those people Week 4 2018 over 16 vs raiders Week 13 2019. As my buddy Pickell would note: "put it this way" -- the number one overall seed in this tournament is not losing in the first round. Virginia's not walking through that door anytime soon. I can promise you, few walks back to the car after a game have felt better, than lighting up that Macanudo Maduro exiting fake mile high, and blowing the sweet aroma of victory into the faces of every one of those people's fans I had the misfortune to encounter. #neverdenver #never
* 9 at those people Week 12 2016 over 8 at raiders Week 13 2015. Two gigantic late November / early December roadies that helped ensure the Chiefs made the postseason. In the end, "The Doink" trumps DJ's destructive hit of derek carr ... barely.
* 12 at those people Week 17 2017 over 5 vs raiders Week 6 2013. The Week Six battle against the raiders is a deeply, deeply personal game for me. And not just because I had to bail a friend out of Chiefs jail. (Yes, folks -- there is a Chiefs jail. Somehow, I've never been in it. Which makes it what, the only one in our fine metropolitan area to not at least offer me a room with bars and take my shoelaces away for a night?) And not just for the 3rd and 48 either, arguably the most ridiculous defensive moment in Chiefs history. (It should have been 3rd and 58 -- the raiders got away with a blatant hold on 3rd down.)
And yet, as much as that Week Six victory means ... yeah, right. Like it's topping Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" first regular season start. Your classic 5/12 upset we get at least one of every March, in the real tournament.
* 4 vs raiders Week 14 2016 over 13 at those people Week 7 2019. A battle of Thursday nighters, one of which determined who won the AFC West (while the loser got their ass handed to them by "Brave" Brock Osweiler in the Wild Card game). I'll take Arrowhead exploding with "Ty! Reek!" chants as he fielded the punt, over my vomiting where I stood, watching Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs"' knee popped back into place.
* 3 vs those people Week 16 2016 over 14 at raiders Week 15 2013. One of these games featured Jamaal Charles scoring so many touchdowns, team tito actually won the Cayman Cup. The other one featured "Fat" Andy Reid with one of the great "f*ck you -- no really, f*ck you!" gestures ever extended towards those people: putting in Dontari Poe at quarterback, with two minutes to play in a game the Chiefs led by twenty plus. I still remember when the huddle broke, that I grabbed Chase (the dude who sits next to me) and screamed "Poe's at QB! They're shoving this straight up those f*ckers' asses!" Which is exactly what "Fat" Andy and Doug Pederson did: Dontari Poe to Demetrius Harris, as a powerless donkey defense could only bend over, assume the position, and take the business. God bless it, I so love everything about this game, this night. If a three seed sneaks through this thing to (ryan lefebvre voice) punt beyond its expected coverage, this is likely your three seed that does it.
* 6 vs those people Week 15 2019 over 11 vs raiders Week 14 2017. This might be the toughest pick for me in the Round of Sixty Four. I irrationally love both games. One of the greatest, gutsiest stands in franchise history, to save the 2017 season before it rapidly collapsed on the Chiefs ... versus one of the funnest, awesomest, (ronnie milsap voice) "I wouldn't have missed it for the world!" weather contests, as a foot plus of snow descended upon Arrowhead that magical Sunday three months ago. In the end, a snow game trumps throttling the raiders with the (regular) season on the line ... barely.
* 10 at raiders Week 2 2019 over 7 at those people Week 10 2015. God bless, how do you pick in this one? The day the Chiefs damned near ended satan manning's career (4 INT's, 0.00 QBR, left "hurt" with an undisclosed injury) ... or closing down the Real Black Hole with a twenty-eight point unanswered comeback? (Closing down the Real Black Hole. Duh.)
* 2 vs raiders Week 17 2015 over 15 vs those people Week 8 2017. Not picking a prime time ass-kicking of those demonic in-dwelt people is surprising, even to me ... but come on, my 39th birthday bash, with so much that was on the line to close the 2015 season (AFC West championship, AFC home field advantage), has to win. Plus, it was one hell of a birthday bash. Even if the "Super" Chargers fell just short of the upset the 2015 Chiefs needed, to control their own AFC destiny. (And what a great "what if" that would have been -- what if the "Super" Chargers hit the late field goal to beat those people, and the road to New Jersey ran through Arrowhead instead of fake mile high?)
Potpourri Regional.
* 1 vs Colts AFC Divisional 2018 over 16 vs Patriots AFC Championship 2018. Seems pretty obvious, right? The first home playoff victory since I was a junior in high school, trumps one of the five most painful Chiefs defeats of my lifetime *** .
(***: my five most painful defeats (and I am 43 years and change old): (5) vs those people, Week Seven 2002. I literally locked myself in my room for three days after this debacle. (4) at Colts, Wild Card Playoff 2013. (3) vs raiders, Week Seventeen 1999. The greatest sports "what if" of my life so far ... even if that post needs serious updating. (2) vs Patriots, AFC Championship 2018. (1) vs those people, AFC Divisional Playoff, 1997. In case you doubt bad thing happen to the Chiefs on my birthday? Not one, not two, but THREE of these f*cking contests, occurred on the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th of January (aka "my birthday weekend). None of them hurts more than losing the de facto Super Bowl on my 21st birthday to those people though. And I'm not sure any defeat will ever top that. Which might be a good thing?)
* 8 at Texans Wild Card 2015 over 9 vs Saints Week 7 2016. I honestly feared for years this might be the high water mark of my Chiefs fandom. Then came the Draft Pick that changed everything ...
* 12 vs Texans Week 7 2013 over 5 at Steelers Week 2 2018. I stand behind my belief that the 4th Quarter of that Texans game, is the single greatest performance in a 4th Quarter by a Chiefs defense ever. Also, that was the game when it finally began to dawn on most Chiefs fans that 2013 was the start of something amazing, not just a one-off fluke like 2010 was.
* 4 vs "Super" Chargers Week 1 2016 over 13 vs 49ers Week 3 2018. Even if this was a contest of moments -- as in, pick the one defining moment of that GameDay -- I still think "Sir" Alex Smith screaming "f*ck yeah! F*ck yeah!" as he fist bumped and fist pumped his way around the west end zone after authoring what was (at the time) the greatest comeback in franchise history, would trump "And at Quarterback ..." and the massive crush of sound and emotion those three words, followed by a fired up 15 entering the swarm of teammates and Red Coaters, for his first real introduction to Chiefs Kingdom. Emphasis on "think". I wouldn't wager on it. (Pause). What? (Pause). Well of course I'd wager on it! I make bets on those halftime deals where delusional glory-tripping parents throw their tots out there to race for a toy across the court for Christ's sake! I bet on frisbee dogs for crying out loud! There is nothing in life you cannot gamble on or tailgate!
But still. Greatest comeback in franchise history (pre 2019) trumps an ass kicking of Jimmy G. That I am sure enough to bet on.
* 3 vs Jets Week 3 2016 over 14 vs "Super" Chargers Week 15 2017. Both games were played in the rain. Both games wound up having a monumental importance in the Chiefs winning the AFC West when the seasons ended. But only one saw eight -- eight! -- forced turnovers by the Chiefs D, and three defensive / special teams scores by said Chiefs. And that wasn't the "Super" Chargers contest.
* 6 vs Bengals Week 7 2018 over 11 vs Browns Week 16 2015. The Browns game was so cold, I left at halftime. The Bengals game was such a joke, Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" was leading the masses in "Sweet
* 10 at Patriots Week 1 2017 over 7 at "Super" Chargers Week 17 2016. Back to back regular season contests, with the "no touchdown / holding 72" playoff defeat in between. Tough call. The 2016 finale was the final game at The Q. The 2017 opener was "Fat" Andy Reid establishing once and for all what a brilliant mind can do with against "the greatest coach of all time". (And please -- greatest coach of all time? Come on. Chuck Noll would whip Belichick's ass eight ways from Sunday, even on Ol' Pete King's proverbial neutral field in Wichita.)
Anyways, I took beating the Patriots because it was whipping the defending champs in their house, with the eyes of the nation watching. But this wasn't arrived at lightly.
* 2 vs Ravens Week 14 2018 over 15 vs Packers Week 8 2019. 4th and 9. There are many, many things I enjoy about sitting where I do (Section 132, Row 26, Seat 14 ... formerly 132, 26, 2, (brantley gilbert voice) back in the day). For starters, you make friends that not only last a lifetime, but they become your adopted and extended family **** . But also, so many huge plays have happened in the west end zone over the decades ... and when you're really lucky? You get to watch the play unfold right in front of you in real time. That's the 4th and 9.
When the Chiefs broke the huddle, my Second Mon grabbed me by my sweatshirt, and buried her head, saying "I can't look". (It's something that's happened many times over the decades past.) When Tyreek made the catch -- and I could see this thing unfold in slow-motion in front of me, I swear -- I just started jumping uncontrollably and screaming "holy f*cking sh*t! He f*cking caught it! He f*cking threw it! He ... holy f*cking sh*t!" (nba promo voice) Chiefs! Ravens! Where Stevo dropping four letter bombs and the 'rents being OK with it happens!
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(****: have to love that the Chiefs always give me an "upgrade day" I never take advantage of. This year's upgrade day appointment? 2:15pm on Tuesday, March 17th. (stevo sighing in disgust) Really, Chiefs? Really? You really think I have no other possible plans for 2:15pm on March 17th? I doubt I'll be able to spell my name, let alone know it, by 2:15pm a week from today! #alcoholicnation )
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Before we advance on to the Round of Thirty Two on the left side of Chiefs Bracketology, let's take a quick look at where we stand:
Let's continue.
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The Round of Thirty Two.
raiders / those people Regional.
* 1 at those people Week 4 2018 over 9 at those people Week 12 2016. Oh sweet Jesus, what a tough one. Two epic comebacks. Two amazing, incredible plays that were your de facto winners (The Left Handed Throw; The Doink). Two games that, via victory, saw the Chiefs all but end those people's season. Really, the only reason why Week 4 2018 wins is that I was there for it, while I watched the Week 12 2016 game at the Second Parents' house. Sometimes, being there in person makes a game even that much more special. Trust me -- October 1, 2018, was one special night.
* 4 vs raiders Week 14 2016 over 12 at those people Week 17 2017. Another one where attendance in person determined the winner. If you were there that magical Thursday night three years ago, you'll always remember "Ty! Reek! Ty! Reek! Ty! Reek!" just before he took it to the house, to blow the game wide open and put the Chiefs in the drivers seat for their first divisional championship in six years. (Also, the tailgate from that Week 14 2016 game is amongst our four or five greatest ever -- the good folks at Breckenridge Brewery sponsored it for us. Over $1,000 in free beer, vodka, whiskey, gin, and merch, including "The Shotski" we still employ. Ain't we lucky we got 'em? Good Times!!!!!!)
* 6 vs those people Week 15 2019 over 3 vs those people Week 16 2016. Our first stunner, peoples and peepettes. I honestly expected Week 16 2016 (aka "Christmas Night Football") to at least reach the regional final. But -- but! -- how can you top The Snow Game 2019? That was so much damned fun. Plus it handed drew lock the first of dozens of defeats he'll suffer at the Chiefs hands over the next decade or two.
* 2 vs raiders Week 17 2015 over 10 at raiders Week 2 2019. My buddy "Sir" Thomas is the biggest raiders fan I (or you) will ever meet. The 2019 contest saw "Sir" Thomas storm off out of The Garage at halftime, never to be seen again that weekend. (He even blew off the post-party at The Eastway, which is unheard of for "Sir" Thomas -- especially since it was my turn to pick up the tab.) The 2015 contest saw "Sir" Thomas swear he'd never set foot in Kansas City again. (He's never failed to make a raiders game since, and usually makes a pool trip and a Yankees trip each summer as well.)
That 2015 raiders finale was something really damned special, and holds a very, very, very fond place in my heart ... and is gonna be one tough out in this thing.
Potpourri Regional.
* 8 at Texans Wild Card 2015 over 1 vs Colts AFC Divisional 2018. (Pause). Yeah, gotta.
(nick bakay voice) Ladies and gentlemen, what an honor, what a privilege, it is to bring you this week's matchup! In the east corner, weighing in with a 30-0 mark, and a generation of Chiefs playoff hopes and dreams on its' back, it's the eighth seeded Texans Wild Card Game from 2015! And in the west corner, weighing in with a 31-13 mark, and a generation of Chiefs playoff hopes and dreams on its' back, it's the top seeded Colts Divisional Round Game from 2018!
Yes folks, it's time to play ... the Tale O' The Tape! Seven questions of great significance, three possible outcomes to each question, two valid contenders ... but only one (disputed) champion!
Question One: victory was the first Chiefs road playoff win since 1993.
at Texans: yes.
vs Colts: no.
Advantage: Texans.
Question Two: victory was the first Chiefs home playoff win since 1993.
at Texans: no.
vs Colts: yes.
Advantage: Colts.
Question Three: the Chiefs lost their next playoff game, to the Patriots.
at Texans: yes.
vs Colts: yes.
Advantage: push. There are no winners here.
Question Four: Major "Housing Crisis" I Endured After the Game.
at Texans: no water / plumbing for (at) three days.
vs Colts: no power for four days.
Advantage: push. Believe me -- there were no winners here.
Question Five: Best Song About the Place (with Preferred Artist).
at Texans: "Houston" by the Gatlin Brothers.
vs Colts: "Back Home Again in Indiana" by the late, great Mr. Jim Nabors.
Advantage: Colts. Few things get to me more emotionally, than "when I dream about the moonlight on the Wabash", as 325,000 plus of my closest friends cheer a balloon launch. That, in the words of the late, great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner: "that is something ... REALLY special!"
Question Six: My Record Attending a Game Against Them in the "Fat" Andy Era.
at Texans: 4-2-0 (one missed game -- 2017 Week 5).
vs Colts: 2-3-0 (no missed contests).
Advantage: Texans. I am so looking forward to Watson / Mahomes III this fall. I also am thankful I should never again have to miss a game in my adopted former (future?) home state. #texasforever
So, in a stunner to noone, we're tied 2-2-2, entering the final Question of Greatest Significance. I suspect neither the answer -- nor the question -- will come as even a minor shock, to any of y'all that know me in even a minor fashion.
Question Seven: I'd Move There Yesterday If I Could.
at Texans: oh hell yes!
vs Colts: oh hell no!
Advantage -- and winner: at Texans!
Thanks for playing everyone! Back to the Chiefs Bracketology, now that the biggest upset of said Chiefs Bracketology, has just gone down and played out.
* 4 vs "Super" Chargers Week 1 2016 over 12 vs Texans Week 7 2013. Since I really have nothing to say, let's move on and save a couple electronic trees in Word, shall we?
* 3 vs Jets Week 3 2016 over 6 vs Bengals Week 7 2018. No matter who wins this, they'll be the least likely team to advance out of this regional, to wherever the hell we're staging the Final Four at.
* 2 vs Ravens Week 14 2018 over 10 at Patriots Week 1 2017. I just can't bring myself to let Kareem Hunt advance. The devastation his Week 13 2018 suspension caused team tito is just too damned painful to recall. Still too soon. #fantasyproblems Plus, I started my new job (the one I currently have), the day before that Thursday Night opener in 2017. Do you have any idea how hard it is to stay sober in a tight game, knowing your every move the next day is going to be judged? Trust me, it wasn't fun.
(Of course, had I known about my boss and my reports then, what I know now? I'd have called in "sick" and been fine. Oh well. As The Byrds would note: "I was so much older then; I'm younger than that now!")
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And so, after Day One, here is how the left side of Chiefs Bracketology (The Race to Crown My Favorite Game of the "Fat" Andy Reid Era) stands:
In the raiders / those people Regional, your surviving seeds are the one, two, four, and six. In the Potpourri Regional, your surviving seeds are the two, three, four, and eight.
And in the Sweet Sixteen, I can assure you, there are two matchups (of the four) that is going to require a lot of soul-searching, brain-employing, and heartstring-tugs to figure out the winner of. The 2/6 in the raiders / those people Regional, and the 8/4 in the Potpourri Regional. (The other two matchups, I'm pretty sure I know which game meant more to me, and will survive and advance.)
We'll pick back up with these matchups on Thursday.
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Because coming tomorrow, we delve into the right side of Chiefs Bracketology, which on the dawn of its' beginning, looks like this:
And good God above, is the All AFC Regional loaded! I can make a case for any of the first five seeds in that regional to win it based on common sense. I can make a case for the sixth seed based on what that game means to me personally. And when a division clinching victory is only the ten seed? That is one ... hang on, I haven't hauled this one out in a while. (bunch voice) Dude! That's stacked!
(As for the All NFC Regional -- let's just be honest here. The only drama is who is losing to Super Bowl LIV in the Regional Final. This thing is more lopsided than seeing late 1980s UNLV, early 1990s Michigan, and pick a decade of Duke, on top of your region. You're playing for second place before the damned games tip off.)
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Until next time, be safe, and if (like me) you live in Missouri, I hope you exercised your right to vote today. I proudly cast my vote for former Vice President Biden, although I was hoping Mayor Buttigieg would hang in long enough to make a vote for him matter. Oh well. Such is life as a member of an insane asylum masquerading as a credible political party ...
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