Every day? You see one more card.
You take it on faith; You take it to the heart --
The waiting? Is the hardest part!" ...
-- "The Waiting" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. God bless, it's really still almost five months until Kickoff 2017?!?!?!
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How did you spend (arguably) the greatest of our national holidays, boys and girls? Did you smoke it up? Pound the Funyuns and Cheetos * ? Or, like me, did you endure an 8 hour car ride to Chicago for a family reunion, while constantly refreshing Twitter to obtain the NFL schedule leaks?
(Pause). I really hope it was one of the former, and not the latter, for you.
Anyways, the 2017 Schedule is finally out, and here are my initial thoughts on it.
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(*: I have never once felt the need to pound a Funyun or a Cheeto, sober or baked. Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey yes, but Cheetos, no.)
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Week One:
Best Game On The Board: Giants at Cowboys (Sunday September 10, 7:25pm CT, NBC). I get this is three years in a row the opening Sunday Nighter involves these two … but I couldn’t care less. I wish they could play five times a year, six if it involves Ol’ Pete King’s proverbial neutral site in Wichita.
Second Best Game On The Board: raiders at Titans (Sunday, September 10, noon CT, CBS). Could have gigantic wild card ramifications four months later.
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: Bucs at Dolphins (Sunday, September 10, noon CT, FOX). I don’t care that it’s a matchup between two playoff contenders -- I defy you to rationally conclude “I’d rather watch this game, than any episode of “Good Times”.” Because you can’t do it, and you know it.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: none. It’s Week One. It was hard enough finding one unwatchable matchup that you’d rather opt for a sh*ttacular sitcom episode over. Which means we’re also spared the “Webster” Game O’ The Week, the “One Day At A Time” Game O’ The Week, and the eighth sign of the apocalypse, the “Empty Nest” Game O’ The Week **.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: Jaguars at Texans (Sunday, September 10, noon CT, CBS). The AFC South has serious 2011 AFC West potential. (Meaning, every team enters Week Seventeen at 8-7 or 7-8, still alive to win the division.)
Chiefs: at Patriots (Thursday, September 7, 7:25pm CT, NBC). I’ve long argued you want to play your most unwinnable game on the schedule first. Get the guaranteed loss out of the way. I’m not upset by this opener.
Jets: at Bills (Sunday, September 10, noon CT, NBC). Hackenberg! Taylor! Dedes *** ! Buerelein! ONLY … CBS!!!!!
(**: given my current “career sabbatical” I am enjoying, I’ve been watching a lot of daytime television. Hey, it’s that, or be productive. Anyways, there’s some local channel here in KC that airs “Empty Nest” every day. For an hour at a time. It is so horrible, it is so awful, I literally schedule my entire day around that hour. It’s the ultimate Thomas The Train Memorial Train Wreck. Trust me -- you need David Leisure in your life. If only to make yourself feel better about, uuh, yourself. This show is so vomit-inducing repulsive, it might replace “Good Times” as “worst strangely watchable sitcom ever” on the Stev-O-Meter rankings in the near future.)
(***: Spero Dedes is really growing on me as a broadcaster. In a related development, I watch way, way, way too much NBA. #fearthedeer!)
Week Two:
Best Game On The Board: Cowboys at those people (Sunday, September 17, 3:25pm CT, FOX). I’m calling it now, five months out: the denver broncos are finishing dead last in the AFC West. I do believe, in the words of Reverend Jeremiah Wright, the denver broncos chickens, are about to come home, to roost! #NEVERdenver
Second Best Game On The Board: Lions at Giants (Monday, September 18, 7:30pm CT, ESPN). Monday Night Football finally got some quality games this year! Good for ESPN for finally pulling the “we won’t renew at a 300% increase unless you increase the quality of crap you force us to air” card on the NFL.
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: 49ers at Seahawks (Sunday, September 17, 3:25pm CT, FOX).
"Good Times!
Anytime you need a payment?
Good Times!
Anytime you need a friend?
Good Times!
Anytime you're out from under?
Not gettin' hassled! Not gettin' hustled!
Keepin' yo head above water!
Makin' a wave where you can!
Temporary layoffs? Good Times!
Easy credit ripoffs? Good Times!
Scratchin' and survivin'? Good Times!
Hangin' in a chow line? Good Times!
Ain't we lucky we got 'em?
(Na Na Na Na Na) Good Times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: none. No need to rehash the other three craptacular designations until and unless they arise.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: Cardinals at Colts (Sunday, September 17, noon CT, FOX). Interesting inter-conference game between two fringe wildcard contenders.
Chiefs: vs Eagles (Sunday, September 17, noon CT, FOX). I pray for five things out of this home opener. (1) That the primary menu item for tailgating be cheesesteak sandwiches. (Note: I already know this one will happen.) (2) That the beer pong table that sadly got destroyed due to trying to use it as a makeshift bar for the Steelers playoff game, gets replaced by 6am on September 17th. (Note: already happened.) (3) That the forecast be 88 and sunny, with a slight southerly breeze. (4) That the sacred c / h / i / e / f / s balloon launch go off without a hitch. And (5) That this game turns into a Perfect Stevo Day ****. That’s all I ask.
Jets: at raiders (Sunday, September 17, 3:05pm CT, CBS). OK, I”ll go there -- does CBS haul Don Criqui out of whatever Shady Pines type retirement community he’s living in, to broadcast this one for cigarette and bourbon wages?
(****: for the newbies, welcome! A Perfect Stevo Day is defined as a day in which the Chiefs grab at least a three possession lead at the half against an overmatched, “no way they rally” opponent, and commences two straight hours of me sitting in my seat, sandals kicked off, legs propped up on the railing in front of me, consuming a frosty cold Coors Light, wondering where the hell my t-shirt disappeared to. Admit it, that’s one hell of a perfect day, even if you have to change “Chiefs” to the team of your choice. That’s a perfect day. I think Kenny Chesney described it once: No shoes? No shirt? No problem!)
Week Three:
Best Game On The Board: Texans at Patriots (Sunday, September 24th, noon CT, CBS). A battle of division winners; a rematch of the Divisional Round. Also, the schedule for Week Three is brutally ugly folks. Brutally ugly.
Second Best Game On The Board: Bengals at Packers (Sunday, September 24th, 3:25pm CT, CBS). This, peoples and peepettes, is the national window game for Week Three. Bengals at Packers. This is the best the NFL has to give CBS. If my name was Les Moonves, I’d already have the lawsuit filed in whatever jurisdiction will give me a rebate of the rights fees my network paid for this week.
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: Browns at Colts (Sunday, September 24th, noon CT, CBS). Mr. Criqui might turn down the “we’ll buy the Marlboro Reds, the Wild Turkey, and throw in the Vess mixer to boot” offer to broadcast this one.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: Rams at 49ers (Thursday, September 21st, 7:25pm CT, NFLN). Not even Amazon is touching this one, per NFL.com. What does that tell you?
“Webster" Game O’ The Week: Dolphins at Jets (Sunday, September 24th, noon CT, CBS). The home opener after two straight road blowout defeats. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?
“One Day At a Time” Game O’ The Week: thank god, none. We’re three weeks in, and already, Richard Mulligan is on deck for a slate of games. That is NOT good people. Not good at all.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: Saints at Panthers (Sunday, September 24th, noon CT, FOX). One of these two has to offer at least some "Joseph Johnston in South Carolina in 1865" token resistance to your Atlanta “Shane” Falco-ns, right?
Chiefs: at “Super” Chargers (Sunday, September 24th, 3:25pm CT, CBS). Los Angeles Super Chargers just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Jets: vs Dolphins. Nothing to see here folks. Move along.
Week Four:
Best Game On The Board: raiders at those people (Sunday, October 1st, 3:25pm CT, CBS). There’s a realistic probability those people are 0-3 entering this game. And 0-4 exiting it.
Second Best Game On The Board: Giants at Buccaneers (Sunday, October 1st, 3:05pm CT, FOX). Could -- and I’d argue should -- have significant wild card ramifications come January 1st.
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: 49ers at Cardinals (Sunday, October 1st, 3:05pm CT, FOX). Just brutally bad.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: none. Even the second worst matchup has significant fantasy ramifications (which I’d argue is Rams at Cowboys, Sunday, October 1st, noon CT, FOX).
Also: you're welcome.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: Titans at Texans (Sunday, October 1st, noon CT, CBS). I’m higher on Houston than most people, I suspect. Then again, Thursday was a national holiday to “my peeps”.
Chiefs: vs Redskins (Monday, October 2nd, 7:30pm CT, ESPN). I’m just gonna put this out there, for what it’s worth. Ready? Are you sitting down? Have a stiff drink and/or potent joint ready to inhale? OK, here goes.
The last time the Chiefs hosted a Monday Night Football game, this happened the following day.
The Royals regular season concludes the day before, against your Arizona Diamondbacks. Then the Chiefs play a Monday Nighter. And the AL Wild Card Game would be the following day after said Monday Nighter.
I’m just saying.
Jets: vs Jaguars (Sunday, October 1st, noon CT, CBS). Hey! This one is winnable! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Week Five:
Byes: Falcons, Saints, Redskins, those people.
Best Game On The Board: Chiefs at Texans (Sunday, October 8th, 7:25pm CT, NBC). I will be there. I cannot wait for this (the late, great coach don fambrough voice) showdown, throwdown, hoedown, to go down! Oh, I am so, so, so ready for this one. (Note: the (now almost) annual trip to Houston is bar none, my favorite road trip of the year. And given my current “career sabbatical”, I think at some point in the next few months, the question shouldn’t be “is this a road trip”, but “is this a home game” for me to attend? As my high school government teacher would note: “stay tuned”.)
Second Best Game On The Board: Packers at Cowboys (Sunday, October 8th, 3:25pm CT, FOX). Week Five might have the meatiest slate of games of any week. And that’s with four playoff contenders sitting on the sidelines.
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: Jets at Browns (Sunday, October 8th, noon CT, CBS). I’ll save my thought on this for the Jets section of this week.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: none.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: Cardinals at Eagles (Sunday, October 8th, noon CT, FOX). Battle of the angry birds, both of whom are at least fringe wildcard contenders.
Chiefs: at Texans. How much sweeter would this be, if Royals at (jetsons voice) Rastros, opens the day with a Game Four noon CT first pitch at whatever the hell they call Enron Field nowadays? It’s not even a five mile drive from the (jetsons voice) Rastros Stadium to NRG Reliant. Granted, it’ll take two hours, but still, five miles away! Make this happen Royals. Make. This. Happen!!!
Jets: at Browns. I personally cannot wait to get rolled in Buffalo and oakland *****, upset Miami, pound Jacksonville, do to Cleveland what everyone outside of the Bay Area does to Cleveland, get to 3-2, and think “hey, if we spring one more upset next week, this season has potential! Who’s on deck!” … only to look at Week Six, and immediately start crying. Also, I may be mentally unbalanced. I’m just saying.
(*****: oakland is the ass crack of America; Buffalo is our national arm pit. The Jets open in two of the three most repulsive things of the human body that is this country. Thank God they avoid Detroit -- I don’t care how sex addicted you are, not even I’m sucking on the toe jam.)
Week Six:
Byes: Bills, Bengals, Cowboys, Seahawks.
Best Game On The Board: Steelers at Chiefs (Sunday, October 15th, 3:25pm CT, CBS). For the first time in twenty plus years, a major national window CBS game will occur at Terrorhead without Phil Simms in attendance. This, in a word, is awesome!
Second Best Game On The Board: Colts at Titans (Monday, October 16th, 7:30pm CT, ESPN). Really interesting matchup. Really interesting.
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: Rams at Jaguars (Sunday, October 15th, noon CT, FOX). Goff! Bortles! Albert! “Moose” Johnston! ONLY … on FOX!!!!!!!
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: none.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: Giants at those people (Sunday, October 15th, 7:25pm CT, NBC). Again -- there’s a really, really, really realistic possibility those people stagger into Terrorhead at 0-6. With four of those six coming inside hell itself. Oh, I am so, so, so going to enjoy those people’s season this year. I can feel it from here. And by here, I mean the lovely Courtyard by Marriott across the Tri-State Tollway from O’Hare Aeropuerto, where this post is being typed and (probably not) proofed, before, uuh, posting.
Chiefs: vs Steelers. I so love being nationally relevant again. Don’t you, fellow Chiefs fans?
Jets: vs Patriots (Sunday, October 15th, noon CT, CBS). Well, it was fun while it lasted, wasn’t it, Jets fans?
Week Seven:
Byes: Lions, Texans.
Best Game On The Board: Falcons at Patriots (Sunday, October 22nd, 7:25pm CT, NBC). I couldn’t care less about either team, but it should be a solid game.
Second Best Game On The Board: Chiefs at raiders (Thursday, October 19th, 7:25pm CT, CBS / NFLN / Amazon). For what might be the final time … get ready, Sioux Falls. The Kingdom is coming. And we’re not stopping until some OT Bites and The Garage are conquered.
(Note: I’ll still go to Sioux Falls at least once a year to visit the awesome raider fan friends I have there … but come on. I’m never doing the roadie there again once the raiders move to Vegas. The roadie moves west to the desert, period. Cue every Chiefs fan vociferously nodding in agreement with me, over that logic.)
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: Buccaneers at Bills (Sunday, October 22nd, noon CT, FOX). I cannot think of even one compelling reason to pull this game up. And thankfully I won’t have to; there’s no way the FOX affiliate in Sioux Falls will air this tripe.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: Cardinals at Rams (Sunday, October 22nd, noon CT, FOX). Hey, it’s a battle of two of the three smartest sports franchises ever -- two squads who spent time in that hellhole across the state and said “yeah, no thanks, we’re leaving. And you can keep your sh*tty Bud products to boot!” A hearty Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ congratulations to your Arizona “Super” Cardinals, your Los Angeles Rams, and your Atlanta Hawks, for doing what every resident of St. Louis wishes they could do: leave!
Also, the start time on NFL.com has to be a typo … unless this is a London game? Because why the hell would a home game in Los Angeles kick off at 10am? (Stevo checking …) Yup, it’s a London game. Which makes this even better! Not only do neither of these franchises want anything to do with Chicago’s b*tch, they hate their former residence so much, they flee the country to stage their matchup!!!!!
“Webster” Game O’ The Week: Panthers at Bears (Sunday, October 22nd, noon CT, FOX). You're welcome.
“One Day At A Time” Game O’ The Week: Titans at Browns (Sunday, October 22nd, noon CT, CBS). Oh sweet merciful Lord Jesus, we’re in range. We’re in range.
Hang on. Desperate times call for traditional, acceptable measures. As in …
(stevo going to the fridge.)
(stevo grabbing the handle of weller he prudently packed for this trip.)
(stevo deciding “screw it”, and opening the coke bottle the hotel has in the fridge.)
(stevo pouring a stiff, stiff, stiff weller and coke.)
(stevo chugging said stiff, stiff, stiff weller and coke.)
(stevo pouring round two.)
(stevo chugging round two.)
(stevo exhaling deeply …)
We’re here.
“Empty Nest” Game O’ The Week: none. We’re still save … for now. But dammit, we were this close -- this close! -- to having to choke down Kristy MacNichol and Dinah Manoff for three hours. Not even the most talented of adult entertainers, could endure sexual pain like that.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: Jaguars at Colts (Sunday, October 22nd, noon CT, CBS). The AFC South is going to be one glorious train wreck to watch unfold.
Chiefs: at raiders. I just realized something -- if you count traveling to a foreign site for this game (and since I’m going to raider nation north, I think it counts), this means that I’ll “attend” at least six straight Chiefs games! Five in person at the actual event! I kind of dig that, to be honest.
Jets: at Dolphins (Sunday, October 22nd, noon CT, CBS). 4-3 exiting this game is not unrealistic. Then again, neither is 0-7.
Week Eight:
Byes: Cardinals, Packers, Jaguars, Rams, Giants, Titans.
Best Game On The Board: The Day I Live For (Monday, October 30th, 7:30pm CT, ESPN). I’ll have more to say about this matchup, in the Chiefs (p*ss poorly) prepared portion, of Week Eight’s remarks.
Second Best Game On The Board: Texans at Seahawks (Sunday, October 29th, 3:05pm CT, CBS). Again, I’m higher on Houston than most.
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: Vikings at Browns (Sunday, October 29th, noon CT, FOX). When this is rock bottom, the week isn’t that bad.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: none.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: raiders at Bills (Sunday, October 29th, noon CT, CBS). I wish this one was being staged six weeks later, to be honest.
Chiefs: vs those people. This, peoples and peepettes, is the high holiest day of football for me. The day those people walk into Terrorhead, and get their collective worthless asses handed to them. There are things in life I enjoy more than seeing the denver broncos beaten like a government mule by the team I love the most (and twenty year old me just had a major heart attack reading those words), but there aren’t many.
I DESPISE those people. I DESPISE their fans. Check that -- despise is not a good enough word. I DEPLORE those people, and I … well, there’s not a word invented yet in the English language, to properly convey what I think of people who root for those people. They’re just demons. They’re all indwelt by satan himself. There is not one -- not one! -- redeemable, likable, respectable fan of those people.
My buddy Ryan -- who compared to me, is fairly calm when it comes to those people -- wears as a badge of honor that he was forcibly evicted from that place last November, as the Chiefs won via The Doink. “The Voice of Reason” -- who obviously compared to me, is reasonable -- wears as a badge of honor that he was pelted with snowballs by those people’s fans … when he was six. Yes, that is what a denver broncos fan is -- a classless jackass who throws snowballs at a six year old kid.
And please, don’t say I called them classless jackasses -- none other than Grandma Grigsby, the most sweet, kind, 90 plus year old woman you’ll ever meet -- she was so accosted by those people’s fans while traveling to support her grandson (former Chiefs linebacker Boomer Grigsby), she was so harassed and degraded and disrespected, she shouted to those people’s fans that “you’re all classless jackasses!” Hey, when a 90 year old (former vice president joe biden voice) classy broad thinks you’re a degenerate reprobate, who am I to argue? Who are any of us to argue?
I hate those people so much, it makes me vomit to type the words denver or broncos. It’s why they’re “those people”. I refuse to show them even a shred of respect.
Jets: vs Falcons (Sunday, October 29th, noon CT, FOX). In the words of the Reverend Lovejoy’s wife: “won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children?!?!?!?!?!”
Week Nine:
Byes: Bears, Browns, Chargers, Vikings, Patriots, Steelers.
Best Game On The Board: Chiefs at Cowboys (Sunday, November 5th, 3:25pm CT, CBS). For the first time in twelve years, the Chiefs return to the Metroplex. In the words of the late, great Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA): “you can bet your ass” I’ll be there.
Second Best Game On The Board: Colts at Texans (Sunday, November 5th, noon CT, CBS). Another highly entertaining AFC South matchup. I swear to Christ, this division might be more entertaining than “slapper mode” on the old school 007 N64 game when I was in college (gulp) twenty years ago.
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: none. Seriously -- there are no stinkers on the board.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: raiders at Dolphins (Sunday, November 5th, 7:25pm CT, NBC). Kudos to NBC for taking a chance on this one -- two playoff teams felled by quarterback injuries in the Wild Card Round. This could have gigantic wildcard ramifications this year. (And if one or both of these teams has sh*t the bed at this point, you flex KC at Dallas into this spot. It’s win-win!)
Chiefs: at Cowboys. Oh this is going to be fun.
Jets: vs Bills (Thursday, November 2nd, 7:25pm CT, NFLN). The last time the Bills played in prime time, Mr. Trump won the Presidency the next day. Somehow, someway, after six straight months of near constant therapy and counseling with Stevo's Site Numero Dos' Official Man O' The Cloth, the Reverend Al K. Hall, I’m almost to the point of possibly being OK, with the next day’s outcome, at this point. Emphasis on "almost".
Week Ten:
Byes: Ravens, raiders, Chiefs, Eagles.
Best Game On The Board: Cowboys at Falcons (Sunday, November 12th, 3:25pm CT, FOX). The NFC Championship Game of 2016 That Never Happened.
Second Best Game On The Board: Steelers at Colts (Sunday, November 12th, noon CT, CBS). Whoever ultimately wins the South has to steal a couple from the Norris.
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: Browns at Lions (Sunday, November 12th, noon CT, CBS). This might be the worst game of the season, period.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: Chargers at Jaguars (Sunday, November 12th, noon CT, CBS). This one should both suck and blow, no matter how anatomically impossible that is.
“Webster” Game O’ The Week: none.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: Vikings at Redskins (Sunday, November 12th, noon CT, FOX). Should have gigantic wildcard, if not divisional, ramifications come January 1st.
Chiefs: bye. I prefer a later bye, to be honest. Especially if it comes before a really difficult road game … which the Chiefs’ does.
Jets: at Buccaneers (Sunday, November 12th, noon CT, CBS). I might need to rethink the lack of a “Webster” Game O’ The Week for Week Ten.
Week Eleven:
Byes: Panthers, Colts, Dolphins, Jets, 49ers, Buccaneers. Wow, those are some sh*tty football squads right there.
Best Game On The Board: Falcons at Seahawks (Monday, November 20th, 7:30pm CT, ESPN). There’s a lot of really good games in Week Eleven folks.
Second Best Game On The Board: Patriots vs raiders (Sunday, November 19th, 3:25pm CT, CBS). The games on the board this week are so good, the NFL is even letting our amigos south of the border (wall that will never get built) in on the action!
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: Jaguars at Browns (Sunday, November 19th, noon CT, CBS). Ol’ Criqui might be desperate enough for some Rich and Rare money that he’d volunteer to do this broadcast. Provided CBS threw in a pack of Camels, of course. Preferably unfiltered.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: none.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: Titans at Steelers (Thursday, November 16th, 7:25pm CT, NBC / NFLN / Amazon). Whoever wins the South (and the accompanying right to get drilled by 30 at home against whoever finishes second in the West) probably needs to go 3-1 against the Norris to win it. This is a winnable game for Tennessee. Very winnable.
Chiefs: at Giants (Sunday, November 19th, noon CT, CBS). I do believe it’s highly likely one late season game involving the Chiefs will get flexed to prime time. This is not the one.
Jets: bye. And the question has to be, is this just a bye … or is this (nsync voice) bye bye bye! to Coach Bowles. I pray it’s the latter (I’m not a fan, at all). I fear it’s the former.
Week Twelve:
Best Game On The Board: Packers at Steelers (Sunday, November 26th, 7:25pm CT, NBC). A potential Super Bowl preview.
Second Best Game On The Board: those people at raiders (Sunday, November 26th, 3:25pm CT, CBS). A friendly reminder for all y’all: if terrorists attack and destroy downtown oakland while this game is occurring, it is NOT a national tragedy. It is cause for a national celebration. Obliterating both of these worthless turd squads while removing at least 45,000 armed (marcus spears voice) hoodlums, thugs, and thieve disguised as raiders fans, is NOT a bad thing. That seems obvious to me … but some people might need reminding.
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: Panthers at Jets (Sunday, November 26th, noon CT, FOX). The Jets defense has more gaps in it than the late Esther Rolle’s teeth.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: Jaguars at Cardinals (Sunday, November 26th, 3:25pm CT, CBS). This one sucks almost as much as a sitcom fronted by Gordon Shumway. Almost.
“Webster” Game O’ The Week: none.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: Titans at Colts (Sunday, November 26th, noon CT, CBS). Could be an elimination match in the death march known as the AFC South Championship.
Chiefs: vs Bills (Sunday, November 26th, noon CT, CBS). The last time the Chiefs faced the Bills, it was Thanksgiving weekend at Arrowhead two years ago, and it rained so damned hard, the roofs of our tailgating tents were literally collapsing. That is no bueno. Then again, the last time the Chiefs faced the Bills at Arrowhead, my buddy “bts” asked a question regarding the lovely Alyssa that literally still cracks me up to this day just thinking about how ridiculous his question was to ask in the first place. So what do I know.
Jets: vs Panthers. (old school game show voice) The password is “BOO!!!!!!!!!!”
Week Thirteen:
Best Game On The Board: Texans at Titans (Sunday, December 3rd, noon CT, CBS). Given what the Sunday nighter is, this actually might be a flex candidate.
Second Best Game On The Board: Redskins at Cowboys (Thursday, November 30th, 7:25pm CT, NBC / NFLN / Amazon). Always a treat when these two hook up.
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: Browns at Chargers (Sunday, December 3rd, 3:05pm CT, CBS). That 30,000 seat capacity stadium will have plenty of good seats available.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: 49ers at Bears (Sunday, December 3rd, noon CT, CBS). This one is so deplorable, FOX passed on broadcasting it apparently.
“Webster” Game O’ The Week: Lions at Ravens (Sunday, December 3rd, noon CT, CBS). Not that it’s going to be a bad game, but come on -- who actually wants to watch this, other than drunken and/or degenerate gamblers?
“One Day At A Time” Game O’ The Week: none. Whew. Once again, we narrowly dodge allowing Sophia Petrillo into our lives again. Oh, yeah -- you're welcome.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: Buccaneers at Packers (Sunday, December 3rd, noon CT, FOX). An intriguing “is he ready for the moment” matchup for Famous Jameis.
Chiefs: at Jets (Sunday, December 3rd, noon CT, CBS).
Jets: vs Chiefs (Sunday, December 3rd, noon CT, CBS).
If Lee Corso covered the NFL, this one would have “NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND!” written all over it. Total trap game for the Chiefs; total “we have to be here, so what the hell, let’s try to win” game for the Jets. The last time these two faced off in the Fake Meadowlands, it was a Chiefs defeat so ugly (3-37), that not only was Coach Asshat fired the following morning … but Coach Baffoon was given the reigns to the Kingdom. Four wins and fifteen defeats later, our decade of misery was over.
Week Fourteen:
Best Game On The Board: raiders at Chiefs (Sunday, December 10th, noon CT, CBS). This is the Chiefs game in the second half of the season I think will get flexed into prime time. Unless the Ravens are better than I expect them to be.
Second Best Game On The Board: Ravens at Steelers (Sunday, December 10th, 7:25pm CT, NBC). Then again, this is always entertaining football, regardless of what time it’s staged.
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: Lions at Buccaneers (Sunday, December 10th, noon CT, FOX). And yet, when a game involving two teams with serious playoff potential is the worst game on the board I can find, that’s a week. That’s a hell of a week.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: none.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: Titans at Cardinals (Sunday, December 10th, 3:05pm CT, CBS). Emphasis on “underrated” or “sneaky”. Because this one should be good.
Chiefs: vs raiders. Yet again, the NFL, in its infinite, absolutely dumb as f*ck reasoning, has scheduled the Chiefs for three consecutive home games in the last six weeks of the season. And yet again (we’ll get there come Week Fifteen), the NFL, in its infinite, absolutely dumber than f*ck reasoning, has put one of those three games, into an unmovable prime time slot.
I personally cannot wait to once again get sick in early December, feel better as the week progresses, then get sicker because (wait for it) the NFL has scheduled yet another cold as f*ck weather game in KC in December. Then repeat the process again the following week. Lather, rinse, repeat sucks sometimes.
Having said that, this will be at worst the second best tailgate of the year, and it will be at worst the second funnest weekend of the year. So I guess it could be worse.
Jets: at those people (Sunday, December 10th, 3:05pm CT, CBS). (Pause). Yeah, gotta. Hackenberg! lynch! The Bird! The Beard! The intense battle for the second pick in the draft! ONLY … CBS!!!!!!!!!
Week Fifteen:
Best Game On The Board: Patriots at Steelers (Sunday, December 17th, 3:25pm, CBS). Winner will likely have home field advantage throughout the postseason … unless the winner of the AFC West has anything to say about it.
Second Best Game On The Board: Cowboys at raiders (Sunday, December 17th, 7:25pm CT, NBC). Is this the final prime time game in The Black Hole? (Pause). Fine, I’ll admit it -- I HATE that the raiders are leaving oakland. Yes, I HATE the raiders. Yes, I believe oakland is the ass crack of America, it’s such a disgusting, vile city. But the raiders belong there, do they not? This is a travesty. The raiders aren’t Vegas -- they aren’t flash and bling and questionable class. (Pause). OK, they aren’t flash and bling. But this is just wrong, and stupid. This move might be dumber than their last one, which lasted a whopping thirteen years before (carl peterson voice) “all class, except without the c, and without the l” al davis realized leaving oakland was the worst decision he ever made. This has to be undone. It has to be.
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: Ravens at Browns (Sunday, December 17th, noon CT, CBS). Cleveland might pay Baltimore to remove this version of its team from Cuyahoga County.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: none.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: Cardinals at Redskins (Sunday, December 17th, noon CT, FOX). Could be a wild card elimination game.
Chiefs: vs Chargers (Saturday, December 16th, 7:25pm CT, NFLN). Yo, NFL Scheduling Guru dude and/or dudette: do us all a favor for next year, OK? If you’re going to schedule a prime time game at Arrowhead in December, when it will be highly probable that temps at kickoff will be in the low teens or worse, and there’s a decent shot precipitation of some kind is falling from the sky? And you’re going to schedule that game in a slot that cannot be flexed? Then give us oakland or those people, like you did last year. Because NOBODY is looking forward to this matchup, save for the possibility (probability?) that the Chiefs will clinch a playoff spot with a win here. That’s it. Prime time at Arrowhead in December. Good God. Just … no. October is great. December? No.
Jets: at Saints (Sunday, December 17th, noon CT, CBS). One of these teams might need this to keep postseason hopes alive. It won’t be Gang Green.
Week Sixteen:
Best Game On The Board: Seahawks at Cowboys (Sunday, December 24th, 3:25pm CT, FOX). Could be the deciding factor in who gets home field throughout the playoffs. Although in Dallas’ case, does it really matter? They’ll find a way to sh*t the bed in the Divisional Round no matter where they play.
Second Best Game On The Board: Steelers at Texans (Monday, December 25th, 3:30pm CT, NBC). Enormous game for both the Steelers (likely to be in range of Patriots for home field) and the Texans (likely in a three or four way clusterf*ck at 7-7 for the South).
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: Jaguars at 49ers (Sunday, December 24th, 3:05pm CT, CBS). Yikes.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: Browns at Bears (Sunday, December 24th, noon CT, CBS). (Pause). Yeah, gotta. Kessler! McCown! Gumble! Green! It’s a battle for the inside position to the number one pick in the draft! ONLY … CBS!!!!!
“Webster” Game O’ The Week: Chargers at Jets (Sunday, December 24th, noon CT, CBS). (Pause). Yeah, gotta. Rivers! Hackenberg! Harlan! Gannon! It’s a friends and family only special edition of the NFL! ONLY … CBS!!!!!!
“One Day At A Time” Game O’ The Week: none. Seriously though, who did CBS piss off at league headquarters to get three of the sh*ttiest, most unwatchable matchups of the entire season on the same day?
Also, thankfully, we avoid the "Empty Nest" Game O' The Week all season! Although we did come frighteningly close to having Dreyfuss the Dog back in our lives. Oh, and you're welcome.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: raiders at Eagles (Monday, December 25th, 7:30pm CT, ESPN). Eagles fan, on Christmas night, on national television, after having had literally all day to get properly lubricated … facing raider fan, on Christmas night, on national television, after having had literally all weekend to secure the furlough to attend. In the words of the great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner: “this is going to be something … REALLY special!”
Chiefs: vs Dolphins (Sunday, December 24th, noon CT, CBS). There’s a damned good probability we’ll be hearing “hello friends” to open this one. That’s how horrific the CBS slate of games is. Also, you’ve solved half of the problem with your flagship team, CBS. Now it’s time to deal with the real boredom in the booth, Mr. “Hello Friends!” himself. Who is awesome on golf and tolerable on college hoops. He’s a disgrace in the NFL booth.
Jets: vs Chargers. If there are over 30,000 actual bodies in the stands for this one, I’ll be stunned.
Week Seventeen:
Best Game On The Board: Texans at Colts (Sunday, December 31st, noon CT, CBS). I cannot wait for a repeat of 2010, when the final flex game was two sub-.500 teams where the “winner” won the NFC West. I’m so, so stoked for 7-8 Houston at 6-9 Indy with a HOME playoff game awaiting the winner.
Second Best Game On The Board: Redskins at Giants (Sunday, December 31st, noon CT, FOX). Winner in, loser out?
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: none. It’s the last week of football; it’s all enjoyable.
Sneaky Good Underrated Matchup: all of them. It’s the last week of football; it’s all sneaky good and underrated. Also, they’re all matchups.
Chiefs: at those people (Sunday, December 31st, 3:25pm CT, CBS). Since going to the “everyone closes against their division” schedule eight years ago, the Chiefs have closed at denver not one (2009, a 44-20 ass whipping that denied those people a playoff berth), not two (2011, a 7-3 snoozefest that sadly didn’t deny those people a division title), not three (2012, a 3-38 debacle that finally closed the chapter on the worst season in franchise history), but now four times! And those people haven’t had to come here to finish their season since 1992 (a 42-20 Chiefs win on Christmas Eve that, as Kevin Harlan so perfectly noted, “not even Santa Claus can save (those people) today!”! This is ridiculous. Also, you’re damned right I am terrified this will be a must win contest for the Red and Gold.
Jets: at Patriots (Sunday, December 31st, noon CT, CBS). If it hasn’t ended already, thus ends the Todd Bowles Error. Because why hire a competent coach like Bill O’Brien, or Jay Gruden, or Dan Quinn (all hired in the same year as Mr. Bowles), when you can get Todd Bowles, who wouldn’t know the way to the playoffs if you gave him a coloring book and the crayons.
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I believe the next post (possibly posting by tomorrow!) will be the NFL Coaches Power Poll. I also have a Chiefs related fake mailbag in the works. Who knows -- this site might triple it's production for the last sixty days, over the next six!
Until next time, (sgt. esterhaus voice) Let's be careful out there ...
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