So thankful for that --
It's such a blessing, yeah;
Turn every situation into heaven!
Oh! You are my sunrise on the darkest day!
Got me feeling some kind of way!
Make me wanna savor every moment
Slowly! Slowly!
You fit me tailor made!
Love how you put it on!
You've got the only key;
And know how to turn it on!
The way you nibble on my ear?
The only words I wanna hear!
Baby, take it slow?
So we can last long ..."
-- "Despacito" by Luis Fonsi, Daddy Yankee, and Justin Bieber. Y'all can interpret the rest of the song ... if only so that this post won't require an age of consent agreement, before y'all can view it.
Because damn, it's been two summers since this song was everywhere when I was down in Puerto Rico, and I'm still (evan and jaron voice) crazy for this girl * ... I mean, this song ...
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(*: dudes and dudettes! It's the chica from "Spaceballs"! It's Jo from "Melrose Place"! It's Brooke's mom from "One Tree Hill"! (damien voice) F*ck yeah she is! That's so f*cking awesome!)
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The Statisticals.
(Note: no Week Ten Picks were submitted due to real-life issues that trumped posting them.)
Last Week SU: 8-8-0.
Season to Date SU: 132-94-1.
Last Week ATS: 8-6-2.
Season to Date ATS: 119-102-6.
Last Week Upset / Week: looked good for the first twenty eight minutes!
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 7-10-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 9-8-0.
This Week Upset / Week: Giants (+4 1/2) over Eagles.
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The Non-Chiefs Picks.
Let's start with the NFC, where we know who five of the six playoff teams will be ... but only know where one of those five, will be slotted.
* at Vikings (-1) 24, Bears 20. The Vikings are the six seed, win lose or draw on Sunday. Personally I'm rooting for a draw, because that means fifteen more minutes of football than we pay to witness. But that might just be me. Also, the Vikings are going to get abused worse than a red-headed stepchild next weekend, wherever they open at.
* Packers 30, at Lions (+12) 20. I still think Matt Patricia is getting his walking papers on Monday, statements from Martha Ford to the contrary. It will arguably be the most deserved firing on Black Monday, perhaps topped only by a potential opening in Dallas.
* "Shane" Falcons (+1 1/2) 31, at Bucs 24. Could be a sneaky good finale between two teams that were eliminated by Halloween this season.
* Saints (-13) 41, at Panthers 7. This one, on the other hand, will not be sneaky, nor will it be good. The Saints at least temporarily keep hope for at least a bye, if not home field advantage, alive.
* at Giants (+4 1/2) 26, Eagles 23. This just seems too obvious. Also, who knew Eli Manning was a closet alcoholic? Fist bump dude! (Pause). What? (Pause). Well of course I'm not a closet alcoholic! I'm not a closeted anything! (Saturday night in Nashville to the contrary ... and man, I still gotta finish that recap. That Saturday night last month was crazy fun!)
But still, mad props to Eli being a (now) uncloseted member of Drunk Nation!
* at Cowboys 13, Redskins (+11) 10 (OT). Again, seems too obvious of a finale. Six million "cardiac events" across the Metroplex, only to see the Cowboys somehow, some way, emerge from the sewage that is the NFC East.
* "Super" Cardinals (+5 1/2) 34, at Rams 13. The Rams have nothing to play for. And it will show in their "effort" on Sunday afternoon.
* at Seahawks (+3 1/2) 24, 49ers 21. I'm not betting against Russell Wilson at home, in prime time, no matter how badly beat up the Seahawks are.
Which means I project the NFC seedings to be ...
1. Green Bay Packers.
2. New Orleans Saints.
3. Seattle Seahawks.
4. Dallas Cowboys.
5. San Francisco 49ers.
6. Minnesota Vikings.
Now for the AFC contests ...
* Browns (-3) 38, at Bengals 13. At least one of these two coaches is getting fired on Monday. Arguably, they both deserve to start drawing unemployment on our dimes. But Bengals gonna bengal, and keep their incompetent leader.
* at Bills (-1 1/2) 24, Jets 20. #firegase #now
* at Patriots 31, Dolphins (-15 1/2) 24. I don't think the Patriots are capable of beating anybody by fifteen plus points right now. (Pause). Well, other than the Jets. The Patriots could be 0-15, and still be more than capable of beating the Jets by three touchdowns.
* at Texans (+3 1/2) 24, Titans 14. C'mon Strength of Victory tiebreaker! C'mon Operation Chaos!
* Colts (-4) 31, at Jaguars 13. Four months ago, most Colts fans would have happily taken a .500 season. Four months later, it seems like a gigantic letdown. From 5-2 with a dominant win at Arrowhead, to playing for nothing but pride the last month of the season.
* at Ravens (+1 1/2) 17, Steelers 3. Can we just be honest here? Robert Griffin III is better than any quarterback available to the Steelers on Sunday. (Which are, in order, a dude named Duck, the epic failure that is Paxton Lynch, and a dude in Mason Rudolph who has no clue where he is right now.)
The Steelers defense will put up an admirable effort. But how the hell are they going to overcome the gigantic talent deficiency at the most important position? I don't think they can, or they will.
* at those people 31, raiders (+3 1/2) 28 (OT). It will be there for them. Every single outcome they need to somehow, some way, sneak in, will occur ... except for the only one they can control.
Themselves.
Because raiders gonna raider.
So, at the risk of giving away the Chiefs Prediction a few sections early, that means I project the AFC Field to be ...
1. Baltimore Ravens.
2. New England Patriots.
3. Kansas City Chiefs.
4. Houston Texans.
5. Buffalo Bills.
6. Tennessee Titans.
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And I'll project this is your Wild Card Weekend lineup:
* Saturday, January 4th, 3:30pm CT (ABC / ESPN): Bills at Texans.
* Saturday, January 4th, 7pm CT (NBC): 49ers at Cowboys.
* Sunday, January 5th, noon CT (CBS): Titans at Chiefs.
* Sunday, January 5th, 3:30pm CT (FOX): Vikings at Seahawks.
Here's my reasoning / rationale: Usually NBC gets first pick, and there's no way in hell they'd pass up Dallas / San Francisco. Too huge of ratings.
NBC making this pick defaults Vikings at Seahawks to FOX, and given the game would be in Seattle, locks up the late Sunday window.
That leaves CBS to pick which AFC game they want, and I would project they'd grab a Patrick Mahomes-led Chiefs team over the Deshaun Watson-led Texans. But that's just a guess. Which plugs Titans / Chiefs into the early Sunday window, and leads to poor ABC / ESPN once again broadcasting a Texans playoff game * that more than half the nation won't pay attention to.
(*: a word of advice to any Bills fans flocking to my favorite city in America next weekend: avoid the Wild Wings on the edge of Rice University. The waitresses there will not seat you. You will have to take matters into your own hands ... especially if you all beat the sh*t out of the Texans, like the Chiefs did five years ago, 30-0.)
Projecting ahead one more week, since I believe NBC will have prime time in the wild card round, that means CBS has it for the Divisional Round. (FOX has the prime time game for the Conference Championship round, since CBS had it last year, so whichever round NBC opts for prime-time coverage in -- Wild Card or Divisional -- CBS gets the other.)
In this scenario, I'd project that of the four teams that will be hosting, CBS will grab New England for that Saturday night, and FOX will grab Green Bay for the late Sunday window (which this year, is effectively prime time, with a 5:30pm CT kickoff). I'll then project NBC takes Baltimore for the late Saturday window (3:30pm CT start), and that leaves FOX with the Saints in the Sunday afternoon window (2pm CT start).
(This also works because NBC can poach one game from CBS, and one from FOX, but not two from the same network, if I read the broadcasting rights, uuh, right.)
In any event, we'll know the Wild Card round matchups less than sixty hours from now. Man, this season flew by fast!
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The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
When you don’t have little kids around to get excited about what Santa left. pic.twitter.com/yfC5rqmRtb— kevin kietzman (@kkwhb) December 25, 2019
(stevo sighing in disgust). Yeah, gotta.
Kids? It doesn't matter if it's for a kanine or a kollege kid, Kaptain Klassy never fails to konfidently and klassily give a bone out, for the recipient to knaw on.
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The Watching Party Plans.
There are no The Watching Party Plans, as this is a Chiefs game I will be in attendance for.
The Tailgating Plans.
A game against the Chargers means one thing, and one thing only: Charger Chicken. (Or, as Kapitan Khaki above would knote: Kharger Khicken!)
The boobs will be marinating by late day Friday, to allow for maximum flavor. Usually we do about 5-6 different flavors, from the obvious Italian dressing, to the merlot doused (my favorite), to plain, to buffalo, to teriyaki, and usually an odd-ball thrown in just to try it out and see what people think.
We'll have other assorted side dishes to go with the main event, and as always, there'll be plenty of beer, champagne, vodka, and other assorted libations to cleanse the pallet with.
The STM email says the gates open at 7am; for once, I actually believe the STM email's gate time. The forecast looks f*cking miserable this weekend, so who other than us mentally challenged die-hards would leave by 5:30am to ensure we continue to occupy our spot (the grassy knoll just north of the G30 sign)?
As always, anyone and everyone who wishes to join us, will be welcomed and wanted as the invited guest(s) or friend(s) you are. Hope to see ya Sunday, for the sixth of either nine or ten straight wins!
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Stevo Drink O' The Week.
When the weather turns colder (as it sadly did Thursday here in Kansas City, after near record-high mid 60 temperatures for Christmas Day), I tend to switch up what I enjoy, while curled up on the couch watching a Stars or Bucks game. (Or a random bowl game. It's all good.)
In the summer, I go for lighter stuff. I prefer pinot grigio with my dinner. I prefer vodka and (insert mixer here) while floating in the pool.
In the winter, I go for heavier stuff. I'll never turn down a healthy merlot or shiraz, and I tend to stick to whiskey of some kind.
Which is this week's Drink O' The Week: Windsor and Cherry Dr. Pepper.
Is Windsor the best bourbon on the market? Hell no. Does Cherry Dr. Pepper make any sense as a mixer? Hell no. Does this sound like a drink even remotely worth your taste-testing of?
Hell yes.
Give it a try. A couple two liters and a handle won't even set you back $15 right now at Harry's, and doesn't cross the $20 threshold at Mike's. Trust me peoples and peepettes -- you can do far, far worse for a cocktail on a cold night, than Windsor and Pepper.
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Stevo Neighborhood Update:
You know winter is fast approaching when McGonigle's takes the tent down and puts the smoker away ... and they apparently did that at some point, between Thanksgiving and last Saturday, when I stopped in to buy a couple gift cards for a couple in our tailgating group.
It was the least we could do; after all, they bought us two new tents to open the season, as their token of appreciation for our friendship and Chiefs fandom ... and damned, if those tents haven't been put to use four freaking times already, with a fifth looming this weekend, and a sixth probably on the horizon next weekend.
(Seriously, weather gods -- uuh, God forbid, you give us one 72 and sunny afternoon in that stadium. It rained for the whole Ravens tailgate, was sneaky cold for the Vikings, was insanely windy and cold for the raiders, and snowed the whole time for those people. At least the two best weather tailgates -- so far -- were for the two prime time home games in October. And go figure -- we lost both games. Because Chiefs gonna Chief ... sometimes.)
I know I tend to pimp the places I love, especially the local ones, but trust me kids -- McGonigle's, if anything, is underrated.
Which given that I would reckon every person living in KC over the age of twenty knows what and where McGonigle's is?
Is saying something.
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The Flashback.
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"Disreputable" Mexican Food Truck Update.
We've all heard of Judge Judy. I mean, hell, if I'm working from home or off on PTO, I can usually manage to catch one or both of the episodes that FOX4 airs every weekday afternoon.
But did you know there's such a thing ... as Judge Jerry?
I did not ... until I was flipping through the channels on Monday morning, and lo and behold, there's the former Mayor of Cincinnati, adjudicating cases on my television screen:
(image credit: me, via my iPhone X something.)
I mean, how? How did this happen? How in God's name is Jerry Effing Springer now an enforcer of the law? This is as "mentally challenging" ** as putting me in charge of enforcing the county's blue laws! This is as indefensible as leaving "Klassy Kev" (allegedly) alone with an (alleged) intern in an (allegedly) parked car on an (alleged) side street in (alleged) Perfect Village! Nothing good can (allegedly) come from this *** !
Judge Jerry Springer! In the words of my brother: "Sweet Jesus!"
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(**: if Janoris Jenkins can get fired for dropping what I guess is now the "r bomb", I suppose I should probably refrain from dropping it. Although in fairness to Mr. Jenkins, if he had described the Giants entire organization as "mentally (r-bombed)", every Giants fan in America would have praised him.)
(***: to be fair, "K"KK might argue that a lot of, uuh, good, could "come" from that (alleged) encounter (rimshot)! (Pause). Holy sh*tballs, Batman! We might earn a XXX rating for this post yet!)
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The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.
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Predicting the Chiefs This Season.
Straight Up: 10-5-0 (L at Jaguars, W at raiders, W vs Ravens, W at Lions, L vs Colts, L vs Texans, W vs those people, L vs Packers, W vs Vikings, L at Titans, W at "Super" Chargers, W vs raiders, W at Patriots, W vs those people, W at Chicago).
Against the Spread: 9-6-0 (L at Jaguars, W at raiders, W vs Ravens, L at Lions, L vs Colts, L vs Texans, W at those people, L vs Packers, W vs Vikings, L at Titans, W at "Super" Chargers, W vs raiders, W at Patriots, W vs those people, W at Chicago).
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So perhaps -- and depending on your sense of humor, you can choose which one applies -- perhaps the single most appropriate moment of the 2019 Chiefs season, occurred two weeks ago, the day after the Patriots game.
I headed to Arrowhead at lunch to hit up The Team Store, to buy my Division Champion merchandise that (hallelujah!) I've had to buy every season for the last four and counting: a hat, a t-shirt, a pin, and a pennant.
So I step into the store, say hello to the nice lady manning the door, and head over to where I would expect the Division Champion merch to be, based on (a) past seasons, and (b) my knowledge of the layout of that place.
I run into Smokey (who runs the joint) after looking for a bit, and flat out ask him "hey, where's the (Division Champion) merchandise at?)
Before answering, Smokey pauses, and simply says "Steve ... I got nothing."
And before I can respond, explains why: "We didn't think (the Chiefs) would clinch this soon".
The head of the Chiefs Official Team Store, admitting they didn't order Division Champion merchandise, because they believed that either (a) the Chiefs wouldn't win in New England, (b) the Titans wouldn't win in oakland, or (c) some combination of the two?
I started laughing.
It was that ... or cry.
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For the second time in this four straight division championship run, the Chiefs have virtually nothing to play for, in their regular season finale. And for the fourth time in "Fat" Andy's remarkable seven year run as head of the Chiefs, they have virtually nothing to play for, in the regular season finale -- a remarkable four out of seven of which, will have occurred against your "Super" Chargers, come 3:30ish Central Time on Sunday.
Consider:
* 2013: Chiefs at "Super" Chargers. The Chiefs were locked into the five seed; the Chargers needed to win, to clinch the sixth seed. Chargers 27, Chiefs 24, in overtime -- in a game that Chase Daniel (the backup) started, to preserve "Sir" Alex Smith's health.
* 2014: "Super" Chargers at Chiefs. Both teams were technically alive for the six seed, but basically drawing dead. Once again, Chase Daniel started. This time, the Chiefs won, 19-7.
(Note: this is the only season under "Fat" Andy Reid, in which the Chiefs have failed to reach the postseason. I have a post on this coming early next week (with sweet ass spreadsheets I may or may not have spent today concocting while "working from home"!), comparing the seven years under "Fat" Andy, to the previous seven years. I think the results will either (a) shock you, (b) drive you to drink heavily, or (c) some combination of the two.)
* 2015: raiders at Chiefs. My 39th Birthday! The Chiefs won 23-17 ... but sadly, those people also won, 24-17, over your "Super" Chargers. Had your "Super" Chargers won at fake mile high, the Chiefs would now be a five-time defending division champion, and would have had home-field advantage throughout the AFC Playoffs. Instead, they settled for a wild card, eleven straight wins, and a tough seven point loss at the Patriots in the Divisional Round, to end the season.
* 2016: Chiefs at "Super" Chargers. The final game at The Murph, The Q, The "Place The "Super" Chargers Never Should Have Left" **** . Chiefs won 37-27 to clinch the AFC West over the raiders, who would have won the division, had they not lost at those people. Sadly, the Division Title was wasted; the Steelers beat the Chiefs 18-16 in the Divisional Round.
* 2017: Chiefs at those people. On paper, and in theory, the Chiefs had literally NOTHING to play for. They were locked into the four seed as the AFC West Champs. Oh, but thank God they don't play games based solely on theories or on paper, because we all know that ten, twelve years from now, all of us Chiefs fans will look back at this game as THE defining moment of the Chiefs franchise for the first fifty years of this century.
Because this 24-17 win is best remembered, as Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" first regular season start. Sadly, this season was wasted too, as the Titans rolled into Arrowhead the following Saturday and rallied to beat the Chiefs 22-21.
* 2018: raiders at Chiefs. Beating your hated rival 35-3 is nice. Clinching home field advantage throughout the playoffs by doing so -- as well as clinching a third straight AFC West championship -- is even nicer. Wasting that designation by losing in overtime in the AFC Title Game? Yeah, not so much.
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(****: the worst part of the San Diego "Super" Chargers move three years ago? No potential annual trip to San Diego anymore! F*ck Dean Spanos for all of eternity, for ripping that roadie away forever! I mean, Jesus, at least Stan Kroenke fled St. Louis. That's a completely justifiable and defensible decision. Fleeing San Diego? That should get you set up in front of a firing squad, with all active bullets. I mean, if San Diego is good enough for "Simon and Simon" -- to say nothing of "Three's Company" -- then what the f*ck is Dean Spanos' excuse?
Also -- and for once, I know I'm 100% right -- that is THE greatest sports team theme song ever.)
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And now, come Sunday, the 2019 finale: "Super" Chargers at Chiefs.
The Chiefs have virtually nothing to play for. They have clinched the AFC West for a fourth straight season. They can do no worse than hosting the Bills next weekend, and will need the (second) upset of a generation in as many seasons, to secure a bye. There's a solid ninety percent chance per Five Thirty Eight, that the Chiefs will be the three seed when the playoffs begin in seven days.
(Odds that, if anything, probably oversell the Chiefs' odds, of getting a bye, if we're being fair and honest here. And in the interest of fairness and honesty, I'm usually only accused of being one, of those two things, on a usual basis.)
Gun to my head, if we have to open next weekend, I want it to be against the raiders. I remember the 1991 Wild Card Game so clearly, it's like it happened yesterday, not three decades ago. I remember the Thursday Night de-facto division championship game from 2016 so vividly, it's like it happened yesterday, not three years ago.
And (jimmy buffett voice) come Sunday? I'll be content to sit back, and watch this sh*t play out, because again, the worst case scenario is Buffalo here at 3:30 on Saturday, and given that there are two of us in my tailgating group whose birthday will be next weekend (myself, and the lovely Alyssa), I'm cool with that. You can celebrate my not being pregnant ... and that I didn't knock her up! (Hey yo! Seriously, all the best to Ryan and Alyssa, expecting their first (a son!) come late June.)
But with all actual sincerity? I'm gonna enjoy the hell out of Sunday, because the Chiefs are the rare NFL team that hasn't clinched their seed and/or slot yet?
That won't be "desperado" on Sunday.
They can afford to be "despacito".
Namely -- be slow ... and be great, at how, uuh, great you are?
At going slow.
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(And Dios con Mio, can you imagine how epic it would be, if "Andres de Gordo" entered the victorious locker room, bailando a "Despacito"? That might destroy the internet, the moment would be so great, if we're being justo y honesto aqui!
And for once? I might be being, uuh, ambos!)
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My pick for Sunday is * at Chiefs (-9) 38, "Super" Chargers 9.
I hope to see everyone reading this, on Sunday.
This is going to be a lazy, laid back, slow Sunday. (I only wish it was going to be 72 and sunny. Oh well. Sh*t happens.)
The Chiefs will likely have nothing to play for by the end of the first quarter, and no later than halftime.
And that's OK! That is perfectly fine and acceptable!
Because this team wasn't built to just survive the regular season.
It was built to dominate the post season.
The Chiefs have done the first.
It's now time, to do the second.
The real season begins as soon as the 49ers and Seahawks are done deciding the NFC seeding Sunday night, and the postseason matchups are announced.
And how awesome is it, that for the fifth straight season, it's a "Domingo de Despacito" for our Los Jefes ... with their postseason berth already clinched, no matter what happens on the field, in forty some odd hours ...
