the bird is the word ...

Tuesday night, Channel 41 Sports Anchor (and crazy old coot) Jack Harry aired a 2 1/2 minute commentary on allegations that Coach Haley, responding to a fan yelling "You Deserve To Be Fired" at him after Sunday's latest Todd Haley authored debacle, responded by giving said fan the "single finger salute".

Wednesday, the rest of the Kansas City media began to run with the story. Of course, Coach issued a denial, saying he "might have waved" at some fans, but didn't recall flipping anyone off.

The money quote: "That's not how I behave. I have five children that I have to be a role model for, and its not something I would do".

Really Todd? Really?

"That's not how I behave". Bullshit. Every Chiefs fan knows how you behave. We have eyes. We can see. You verbally abuse your players on a daily basis. You scream, curse, and rant on the sidelines when things don't go your way. Your use of four letter words put Gunther to shame, and keep in mind, Gun dropped a "God f*cking dammit!" blast on national television over a call he didn't like.

"I have five children that I have to be a role model for". And you're doing a bang up job with that, buddy. Acting like a spoiled brat on the sidelines. Flat out quitting before kickoff on two separate occasions this year, just waving the white flag of surrender before even trying to win (at Philly, at San Diego). You refuse to "play nice" with your players, benching them for no obvious reason, cutting them because they make a mistake (seriously, the Bradley cut is indefensible. Yes, he dropped a couple passes on Sunday. He also made a remarkable catch to tie the game inside of 3 minutes to go, doesn't fumble punt returns, generally gets kickoffs out beyond the 20, and if you think Quinton Lawrence or Lance Long is more valuable or a bigger contributor to this team than Mark Bradley is, then Coach, you're even dumber than I already suspect you of being).

Role model? Role models generally don't make an ass of themselves on the sidelines.

"Its not something I would do". Again, really? Is it really that illogical a leap of faith to assume that a man who curses liberally, uses verbal abuse as a motivating tactic, plays musical chairs with his players just because he can, is it really a leap of faith to conclude he'd flip off someone who told him "you deserve to be fired" after a bad loss like the Browns loss was?

(Nope).

Look it, I have no problems with people who curse liberally. And its not like we haven't employed coaches before who have a swearing streak in them. But can you picture Dick Vermeil flipping off a fan? Can you picture Marty flipping off a fan? Can you picture Gunther ... well, never mind.

In the grand scheme of things, this is a meaningless incident. On a scale of one to ten, with one being "what's flipping the bird mean" and ten being "10 to 20 with no chance of parole" on the seriousness-o-meter, this ranks about a negative 5.

And its not a fireable offense in my book either. Everyone makes mistakes. You shrug off a meaningless incident like this and move on.

What is a fireable offense, however, is the job Todd Haley has done.

Whatever you think of the guy, the fact remains that Todd Haley has brought all of this on himself. It was Todd Haley who fired his offensive coordinator in training camp. It was Todd Haley who benched DJ for large portions of this season. It is Todd Haley who signed off on the horrendous fake punt against denver. It is Todd Haley who continually botches the clock and timeouts, and continually makes goofy decisions on 4th down.

It is Todd Haley who calls the plays. Rather than coach to our strengths (running game, vertical passing attack), he continually calls plays that accentuate our glaring weaknesses (crappy wideouts, no tight ends worth a damn, yet he continually calls 5-7 yard outs and flat patterns). Also remember, who's the quarterbacks coach? You guessed it, Todd Haley. Anyone think he's done a good job with Cassel this year? Anyone? (crickets chirping).

And so now, after a year of gross incompetence, inept management, and a roster that has regressed as the year went along, when a fan yells "you deserve to be fired", well, doesn't said fan have a point?

That's what so frustrating about this season to me. If the Chiefs had had any semblance of quality coaching, we'd be in the thick of the playoff race. You can point to six -- six! -- different games this year where a bonehead decision ruined any chance at victory:

* vs oakland: the roughing the passer call on oakland's final drive. You can argue that isn't Haley's fault (and I'd agree with you). What is baffling is why some dude named Wallace Gilberry is on the field on THE critical drive of the game? Its 1st and 15 at the raiders 40. The stadium rocking. Where's Derrick Johnson to rush the passer? (Sitting on the bench). Why is Wallace Gilberry on the field at THE defining moment of the game? That's idiotic defensive coaching. Coupled with idiotic defensive play.

* vs Dallas: oh Lord, where do I begin. Never once providing safety help for a clearly out-matched Maurice Leggett. As the nfl.com recap notes: "He (Austin) torched Kansas City for 250 receiving yards and 2 touchdowns by (wait for it ... wait for it ...) repeatedly winning one-on-one battles on the outside". There were other questionable coaching decisions as well. The blocked field goal that led to Dallas grabbing a 20-13 lead in the 4th quarter. It was 4th and 13 at the Dallas 35. On a bitterly cold day with the wind swirling. Uuh, maybe punt there and pin them deep? Especially since there was only 3:09 to go? Moving on.

* vs San Diego: trailing 7-0 with 50 minutes of football left to play, Todd Haley decides to go for it on 4th and a long one at his own 40. Coach? 50 minutes of football left to play. As bad as the decision to go for it was, the playcall was worse. A straight QB sneak. Right into the heart of the San Diego defense. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

* at oakland: yeah, I know we won this game by 6, but many, many baffling decisions that should have caused us to lose. Consider:

1. Right before the half, the Chiefs stop the raiders on 3rd down, and out comes the punting unit. The 3rd down play was an incomplete pass. There are 52 seconds left in the half. THE CLOCK IS STOPPED! Todd Haley calls timeout after the play. The Chiefs get a drive going, but run out of time because they needed that timeout to stop the clock.

2. First drive of the second half, Chiefs have 3rd and 7 at the raiders 34. The play call send NOONE to the first down marker. Haley didn't even try for the first down, he was content to try a 52 yard field goal. (The kick was no good).

3. Leading 13-10, next drive. Chiefs have a 4th and 1 at the raiders 14. Rather than take the sure points, in a defensive struggle, against a team you routinely beat by less than a touchdown at their place ... Haley goes for it. A horrible pass to Cottam that falls incomplete. After this play, Haley and Cassel engage in a shouting match on the sidelines. But wait, we're not done yet.

4. Next possession opens at the oakland 48. Still up 13-10. Cassel has looked like dog shit all day. So how does Haley open the drive? Cassel in the gun, raiders blitz, and Cassel loses the fumble when he's hit. You're starting a drive in enemy territory, in a field goal game, and you open four wide in the shotgun? When the ONLY offensive option that's worked all day is Charles running outside the guards? Idiocy.

* vs denver: the fake punt. Lord have mercy. I have never, and I mean NEVER, been as enraged as I was at that play call. I literally thought about storming the field just to kick Todd Haley in the nuts, I was so pissed. (The sad thing is, you're nodding your head and thinking "I'd chip in $20 for Steve's bail if he'd done that). I called it "the worst play call in franchise history". That might have been a slight exaggeration, I'm sure something from the Frank Gansz or Paul Wiggin eras was worse. But that play call definitely was the worst of the season. It turned a touchdown game into a 30 point blowout almost immediately.

* vs Buffalo. Let's examine, again, a laundry list of idiotic decisions in this one:

1. Late first quarter, its 4th and goal at the Bills 1 in a scoreless game. Haley decides to NOT take the gimme points (which would bite him in the ass later), and decides to go for it. Going for it there, I wasn't happy with, but I can live with it. Provided you don't f*ck up the playcall. After calling a timeout to think things over, Haley calls a Cassel rollout, with no receiver bailouts. Disaster. You not only don't score, but you give the Bills some room to work with, instead of having them operate out of their end zone. Go figure, Buffalo scored on the ensuing drive.

2. Midway second quarter, again, its 4th and 1, this time at the Bills 3, but trailing 7-0. This time, Haley kicks. Which begs the question, why? There's no consistency, no synergy, no rational thought into how Haley decides when to kick and when to go. If you went for it before, why wouldn't you just call a better play (like pounding Leonard Pope up the middle) and go for it again?

3. Even worse, prior to that field goal, it was 3rd and 3. The pass to Chambers was complete for two yards. Haley challenged the spot. You rarely, if EVER, win a spot challenge in this league. I can only think of one time I've seen a spot overturned, and that was "The Stand" against denver. Other than that, I have never seen a spot call changed. Because its a "spot call", its a highly inaccurate science and if you whiff by an inch, so be it. (Why the NFL needs to go to smart chip technology 101). Because now we've blown through two timeouts, we can't stop the clock to save time to mount a late first half drive after we get the ball back with a minute to go. (We had it at midfield with :33 left, but no timeouts to stop the clock).

4. Go back to point one. Had we kicked the field goal, when we got to the Bills 21 on our next to last possession, we could have tried the field goal to tie. Or on the last drive, again, we got to the Bills 37, and could have tried to tie the game. Instead, we had to throw it both times, and both were INTs.

* vs Cleveland. My only b*tch is kicking it deep to Cribbs a second time. Burn me once, shame on me. Burn me twice, I'm a mother f*cking idiot. That, and another horrendous timeout called before the half that gave the Browns (potentially) a time to tack on more points.

Haley's coached 14 games so far. In 6 of them -- 6! -- he's made questionable decisions that screwed the pooch. In two more games (at Philly, at San Diego), the Chiefs didn't even try to win. They surrendered in the locker room. Over 50% of the games this year Haley has coached, have resulted in losses due to decisions made by him, either to not even try, or stuff he's f*cked up during the game.

Its time for a change on the sidelines at One Arrowhead Drive.

Again.

If only to hold onto whatever is left of the season ticket base. I didn't even really get into that, but good grief. The announced attendance for Cleveland was 53,000. You have to figure some of those 53,000 purchased this game as a single ticket. I'll be generous and say 5,000 did that. You also have the 2,500 out of town allotment that went about half sold, so we'll say 6,500 of the 53,000 were single game purchasers.

Which means the STH base is below 50,000 tickets. I know of four season tickets that aren't getting renewed. I'm sure others can think of friends and family that aren't renewing either.

I'm not sure how much worse its going to get. But we haven't hit rock bottom yet. For that, we have Todd Haley and this waste of a season to thank.

chiefs! browns! better than expected ...

(postgame tailgate)
(steve) I choose to focus on the positive.
(everyone) (laughs all around)
(steve) For example, I don't have to pay to watch these guys play again until August!
(everyone) (laughs all around)
(tyler) wait, isn't the first payment due in February?
(steve) (realizes tyler is right) dammit! Way to ruin the moment for me pal ...

---------------

Fun fact of the week! Four AFC teams are officially eliminated from playoff consideration. The 3-11 Cleveland Browns. The 5-9 Buffalo Bills. The 5-9 oakland raiders. And your 3-11 Kansas City Chiefs. What do the other three "lovable losers" have in common?

They've all won at Arrowhead this year.

Nice job, Coach Asshat.

Ugh. Yesterday was a lot of things. The end of an era, as the sellout streak crashes and burns. The end of the home portion of the schedule, as the Chiefs will post a sub-.500 record at home for the third consecutive year, something I previous thought impossible to accomplish. The end of a long affiliation with the team for a number of former loyal, die-hard season ticket holders. (Note: I don't blame them one damned bit. Until and unless Todd Haley is replaced as head coach, this team has zero shot of on-field success. Zero. I don't blame anyone for refusing to commit thousands of dollars to a hopeless cause. And the Todd Haley coached Chiefs are the textbook definition of a "hopeless cause").

But yesterday was also hands down the most entertaining game the Chiefs played all season. If you'd told me that a team with 2 wins that has quit on its coach would come in here in late December and stage a shootout for the ages against us, I'd have laughed my ass off at you and asked for some of what you were smoking. So let's call yesterday what it was: one helluva entertaining game, that exposed for all of Arrowhead Nation to see the fatal, unrepairable flaws that Coach Asshat brings to the table.

Todd Must Go. I know I keep saying this every week, the phrase "after yesterday, if anyone still doubts this ...", but seriously. After yesterday, if anyone still doubts this irrefutable, iron-clad fact, if anyone can actually justify giving this inept, incompetent coach a second chance to fail miserably, then please, call Charter or Two Rivers and check yourself in for some professional evaluation of your mental health.

(Or put it this way: when even Jason Whitlock is hopping on board the "Todd Haley is an idiot of a coach" express, and that guy couldn't see a tree in front of him if you planted him in the forest, when even Jason Whitlock is saying "maybe we f*cked up the coaching hire", that ought to tell you something).

As always, let's hit the recap ...

* another late start yesterday. The bus didn't depart the station until almost 7:15, and didn't get to the gates until nearly 7:40. We were still second in line, right behind Larry and next to Carl. Chiefs football. Catch the fever!

* Still had a remarkably high number of riders yesterday. 8 to be exact.

* Gate 6 opened early yesterday! Usually we're the last gate to open, well after the posted 8:30 start time. The bus was parked and unloaded by 8:30 yesterday morning.

* Figured out Carl's secret for how he's always the first one in, usually a solid 20, 25 minutes before the gates open. Ingenius, I say. Ingenius.

* Actual conversation at about 8:20 yesterday morning:

(katie) Kellie just texted me. She says they'll be here in about an hour.
(steve) (laughing hysterically) my ass Dusty and Kellie get here in an hour!
(katie) no, really! She says they're getting ready to head to his folks to get everything.
(steve) (still laughing hysterically) there isn't a shot in hell that kid gets here by 9:30!

They arrived at 9:28. Probably good I didn't wager on his arrival time.

* brutally cold wind yesterday morning. Thankfully, the EZ-ups went, uuh, up relatively easily. It was perfectly comfortable for tailgating.

* the menu yesterday was as good as it gets. Prime rib and boiled shrimp. Veggies, mashed potaters, and toasted rolls. Ridiculously strong wassel -- funny story here. Everyone who tried it, thought it was ridiculously potent. Way too much rum (if that's possible). Once Mona found out about our opinion, she goes "well, Nancy was saying yesterday it was too strong, but you know Nancy, she's not much of a drinker, so I put in some more cranberry juice, but I didn't really believe her". Yeah, it was strong. Toss in plenty of champagne, vodka, orange juice, and 2/3 of a kegger left over from the Christmas party the night before, and, well, for the final time this season ... Ain't we lucky we got 'em? (na na na na na!) Good Times!!!

* the parking lot yesterday was as deserted as it gets. There was nobody, literally nobody, parked between our three tailgating groups and the entrance to Lot G. A solid 75 feet of empty grass until Dusty got there. Then it was a solid 70 feet of deserted grass. Here's where you could crack the "wait, he never leaves grass deserted!" joke ... oh wait, I just did.

* Gregg and his dad showed up about 10:20. No need to hurry out early fellas. Using their other two seats were Brent and J Rob! Gotta love that. Got in some good prep talk for our upcoming BuKCs trip, plus they helped put a dent in the keg. And also led to one of the funniest moments of Tailgating 2009, involving me, Gregg and his dad talking about something, as someone was standing right behind Gordon smoking ... and Gregg and I just looking at each other in awe at Gordo being completely oblivious to the smoke behind him. (It wasn't a cigarette being consumed). G and I just start laughing, and that leads into the "that is the problem with the three man pass rush" joke, and it just started rolling downhill from there. Even the smoker was laughing at Gordo not noticing by the end. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I effing love tailgating.

* Making its first appearance in 2009 ... keg stands! You know things are tanking fast when Tyler of all people gets the stands started.

* Sad news yesterday -- the final home game of Bill Grigsby's career. The Pride of Parkville is stepping aside to "spend more time with his family". Here's hoping the cocktails go down even easier in retirement than they did while you were on the air, champ.

* I completely agree with Gregg, there should be three statues outside of Arrowhead (like the ones outside of Kauffman), of Lamar Hunt, Tony DiParto, and Bill Grigsby. The only debate should be whether Bill is double fisting or not. (I say yes).

* Didn't start heading in until almost 11:30. To say there was no real rush to get inside the gates, is an understatement.

* Broke in the new flask yesterday. And used the old one too. Chiefs security: where people smuggling multiple flasks into the stadium happens!

* Nice gesture on the Chiefs part to offer the $5 vouchers to everyone yesterday.

* Plenty of empty seats yesterday. Nobody sat between the couple next to me and the aisle, and I sit smack dab in the middle of the row.

* Another sad moment. I arrive, get to my seat, and find two ridiculously attractive girls next to me. I'm in utter disbelief. I even texted something like "holy sh*t you should see what's sitting next to me today!" Then Russ arrives, and scares the chicks off. Not sure what he said, but he got to his seat, said a few words, and they were gone. Oh well. I'll just dream about what could have been, I guess.

* Funniest moment during the game: Russ kept losing everything yesterday. He lost his gloves (left them in the bathroom). Lost his phone (fell out of his coat when he took it off). After a while of him constantly losing stuff, we decide to prank him, and Mona manages to get the keys to the bus off of him. The last 15 minutes of the game, Russ is frantically searching under his seat, under the other seats, searching his coat pockets, his jeans pockets, he has no clue where the keys are. Mona and I are laughing hysterically. Russ hasn't caught on yet. We ask him "everything ok?" He's like "yeah, yeah, its good". So as we're leaving afterwards, he's in somewhat of a state of shock and panic, a "how do I explain that I lost the keys" face. Finally we let him in on the prank, and he goes "oh, I knew, I knew". That led to even more laughs, considering he's spent the last 15 minutes looking for the keys. The lesson? When the Chiefs suck this bad, you have to make up your own entertainment. I guess.

* Could not tell you one thing about KC Wolf's sketch. Wasn't paying attention. Although I can probably guess what happened -- "Browns fan" mocks Wolf, runs away, Wolf hops on board conveniently placed ATV and proceeds to beat up "Browns fan" after driving down the tunnel.

* David Cook on the National Anthem! Very nice. But the pregame flyover, uuh, fellas? You were a solid minute, 90 seconds early on that. I'm telling you, single biggest waste of taxpayer money known to mankind, flyovers are.

* Cleveland's opening drive ended in a field goal. The highlight had to be on the 3rd down incompletion, when the PA guy had no clue how to pronounce Mohammed Massaquoi's name. "Pass intended for Mohammed Mass ... Massaq ... Mohammed".

* Chiefs first drive ended in a fumble. Chiefs challenged the ruling. I thought Castille was down. Thought the replay was pretty obvious that he was down. Ref Gene Stenatore didn't see it that way.

* Of course, the fumble didn't matter, as Brandon Carr picked off Brady Quinn's next pass. Quinn looked atrocious yesterday. The whole Cleveland offense in the first half looked atrocious. Sadly, they figured out at halftime "wait, the Chiefs can't stop the run, maybe we might want to give it to this Jerome Harrison dude".

* Chiefs tie things at 3 after the interception, and then Joshua Cribbs happened for the first time. Probably fitting his initials are JC, because I was dropping our Lord and Savior's name repeatedly after that return. Missed tackles everywhere. Sadly, that wasn't even close to the worst moment for the Chiefs special teams yesterday.

* Browns tack on a field goal to push the lead to 13-3. I text "major league voice: these guys are sh*tty!" The first "when are we leaving?" discussions begin.

* a few tailgating folks made it onto the big screen yesterday. Will and our buddy Castro across the street. Of course, considering that between all of us, we made up about half the folks out there yesterday, it makes sense that some members of the group would get some screen time.

* Chiefs score to cut the lead to 13-10. Chambers saved Cassel on the key play of the drive, a 40 yard bomb to the Cleveland 8 that sat up there forever. Chambers managed to make the play. Both teams had issues throwing into the east side of the stadium yesterday. Our end, the wind was fine. East end, not so good.

* Chiefs then get the ball back, and Jamaal Charles is gone, a 50 yard scamper to paydirt. This is starting to turn into a fun little football game.

* And the Chiefs weren't done. Browns ready to punt, and Mona drops the "I feel a block coming up here" comment. Not quite a block ... but the Browns punter screws up the snap, the ball rolls into the end zone, and the Chiefs recover to go up 24-13! Funny moment: the refs are trying to sort out the pile of players to see who has the football, and Andy Studebaker walks up to them with the football. He'd been dancing around the end zone with the ball celebrating the score, as the refs are trying to figure out who has the ball. Good comedy.

* So now, up 24-13, having scored 21 unanswered, the fans that were there are rocking, what do the Chiefs do? If you said "gave up an untouched, unchallenged 103 yard kick return touchdown to Josh Cribbs", you'd be correct. A pathetic, absolutely pathetic, display on that play by the Chiefs special teams. We go to the half at 24-20 Chiefs, and the Chiefs get the ball. So far, a great day of football.

* First possession of the second half, Mark Bradley drops a third down conversion. The boos start raining down. Deservedly so. Our receivers have worse hands than me, and I was routinely the last person picked when we used to play every Sunday at Holy Trinity back in the day because "Steve can't catch the ball".

* Harrison. 71 yards. Untouched right up the middle. Touchdown Browns. To say the Chiefs run defense sucks ass, is an understatement. The Chiefs run defense gave up 351 yards on the ground yesterday. They gave up 200 yards last week to Buffalo. They gave up 245 to denver to open the month. To the surprise of noone, the Chiefs went 0-3 on this homestand.

* Ensuing Chiefs possession, now trailing 27-24, another dropped third down conversion. More boos.

* More proof throwing in the east end was a mess yesterday -- Brady Quinn had a wide open Mohammed, only the wind held up the ball so long that Brandon Flowers was playing center field waiting for the throw. Easy INT. Still 27-24 Browns as we head to the fourth.

* Another Harrison touchdown pushes the lead to 10 at 34-24. I text "i think hes approaching nfl record for one game". He was -- he'd wind up 12 yard shy of posting the NFL's best rushing day ever. I also drop the "if we dont score on this drive were bus bound" text.

* Chiefs manage a field goal, 34-27. Guess I'm sticking around for a while.

* Browns drive, Chiefs D actually stops them on third down, and Dawson from 52 ... no good! Chiefs still alive with about 4 minutes to go!

* Best drive of the season? It opens with a Cassel bomb to D Bowe that is upheld after a Cleveland challenge. A really sweet 3rd down call, an inside draw to Charles that catches the Browns defenders napping to set up the final last gasp to tie. On 4th and 6 at the Browns 12, barely 2 minutes to play, here's your ballgame for all intents and purposes. Cassel calmly takes the snap, and nails a strike to Mark Bradley for the touchdown! Horrendous pass coverage by the Browns on the play, Bradley was wide open. But we'll take it! Tied at 34! 2 minutes to go! Oh. But wait. The Chiefs can't stop the run. And this Harrison dude is pretty good ...

* Dumb decision of the day, by Harrison. After exploding into the Chiefs secondary, he runs the goalline to bleed the clock ... and then crosses the goalline. The Chiefs only had one timeout left. The smart decision there is to fall down at the two, run a play, and kick the field goal as time expires to win. Instead, he gave the Chiefs a chance by scoring. Chiefs managed to get to the Browns 26 for a Hail Mary attempt, but again, the east end wind was wreaking havoc on any pass yesterday. Cassel's last gasp wasn't even close. But because Harrison didn't go down at the 2, we had a last gasp. 41-34 Browns.

* Either I'm mellowing out, becoming more accepting of losing, or just don't give a sh*t about this team anymore, because I didn't feel bad at all leaving yesterday. No "dammit we should have won" anger. Just laughing, smiling, talking with the seat neighbors, almost like we'd won. I don't like this development.

* On the way out, said goodbye to Larry and Carl, said goodbye to the new tailgating neighbors in the short bus, thankfully everyone I talked to yesterday said they're renewing for the most part. Good.

* One funny note I forgot -- Chris and Greg, who sit in front of me, they sold off their seats because she had some family deal to be at. The guys who bought their tickets were fun, good folks, only at about halftime, who comes walking down the aisle? Chris! She was listening to the game driving home, and figured "well, let's see if I can get in". Drove right through the gates, parked, and didn't even need a ticket to stroll in. You gotta love it -- Chiefs football is so sh*tty that you literally can show up after kickoff and not pay a dime to witness it.

* Also funny -- watching people try to sell tickets on the walk in. Tyler got $5 for his extra. Dusty got $20 for his extras. Each took a beating given face value on those suckers.

* Postgame tailgate, relatively uneventful. Stuck around for a while, most folks hitting the keg, me hitting the screwdrivers. I hate the last home game, because it means there's a long, long time to go before we do this again for football. (I love tailgating Royals games, don't get me wrong. I'm always up for a summer tailgate. But they're nowhere near as fun or special as Chiefs tailgates.)

* Back at the Bus Barn, a special visit from Santa Gus! Bringing bottled joy to all the boys and girls!

* Got home about 6:50. Had to love watching denver lose, at home, to oakland. (Also had the "if terrorists hit that game today, it is not a national tragedy" debate earlier with our resident donkeys fan. She wasn't amused).

* I almost forgot -- lots of "Jersey Shore" stuff yesterday. Fist pumping to the Black Eyed Peas cd. Jokes about who'd be the first one to "pound one out" in the bus. Breakdowns of MTV not showing Snooki getting pounded, yet leaving no doubt what happened. (Which begs the question: why not just show the damned clip? You'll air a chick lovingly staring at a pierced penis on this show, but you won't air THE clip that put the show on the cultural map? Ridiculous.)

And of course, the King of Making Fun of Himself (me), doing this:

(steve) hold on, here's the situation. (pulls up shirt)
(everyone) (laughs all around)
(steve) it is! It's the situation!
(everyone) (still laughing)
(dusty) (struggling to talk while laughing) that isn't the situation, that's the issue!

Brought the house down.

* Also had to make fun of the tailgating neighbor with the Ed Hardy coozie. As I noted, "isn't that the designer that tool Jon Gosselin wears?" Yup, it is. Enough said.

* Loved the new tradition of hanging the stuffed stockings on the bus for each person. That's something to continue next year.

* Funniest sign during the game: a couple guys over in 133 holding it up. The first poster board said "I should have stayed home to watch this!" with an arrow pointing to the second poster board ... which was nothing but a huge black board.

* So now, the $1000 question. To renew or not to renew. On the field, I'm infuriated with this team, especially with the head coach and his staff. That's documented all over this site. But off the field, things are still good. We added some good folks this year that made the group better. We lost some folks that, again, made the group better as a result. Guess I'm back in for another round next year. I hope all of you are as well.

* And if you're not a season ticket holder, why not get in on the ground floor? You can score season tickets in the upper deck for less than $300. You've got a built in tailgating group that's in it for all the right reasons (love of the team, love of having fun, love of alcohol). Come on. You know you want to ...

let's go campin!

No, I'm not going floating this weekend ... but if someone wants to put together a late-summer float trip, I'm all about it. (Unless it screws with the August 15th tailgate. I honestly think this thing will actually live up to the hype. I have no idea how. Other than using the FOX Baseball promo voice. Grigsby! Glass! The "Beast Riders"! The "Ambulance Chasers"! One More Time! Only at Arrowhead! Only on ... (local cbs tv if we're lucky ...)

But ... its July! Almost August! which means three things.

1. I am fired up that my favorite 6 week stretch of the year is here weather wise. Its pretty much guaranteed that between now and Labor Day, we'll have hot conditions, no rain, plenty of days at the pool, a few tailgates at the Sports Complex ... and did I mention "hot conditions"? I freaking LOVE this stretch of the year.

2. Everybody has abandoned Steve and refuses to go to Sunday Royals games (and tailgate) because (insert legitimate reason here to not give piss poor franchise $.01 of your money).

But best of all, it means

3. Training camp is underway!

In the "fake mailbag" a couple weeks ago, I predicted the Chiefs would reach the playoffs as a wildcard at 9-7.

I stand behind that pick, for 8 reasons:

1. Matt Cassel. When Coach Haley says this kid prepares "more than Kurt Warner", I pay attention. Whatever you think of Mr. Warner and his wife's boa, there is pretty much nobody in the sport who made something of himself like Mr. Warner did. He came from nowhere (literally, stocking groceries in a HyVee in Iowa) to take three different teams to a Super Bowl in 11 years. Considering no Chiefs team in my lifetime has done that, I'm impressed. So if Coach Haley says Cassel's preparation, dedication to game film, and practice reels put Warner to shame, well, I'm damned proud I shelled out another $840 plus parking to see how it turns out.

2. Inside Linebacker. I understand Mike Vrabel isn't thrilled to be here to finish out his career, and I am less than thrilled that Monty Beisel is back for a second tour of duty with this team. I'm neutral on Zack Thomas, who I was jokingly compared to for years on end back in the day. (Mr. Thomas married his best friend's sister. I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that ain't gonna happen with me at this point). But I firmly ... no scratch that. I am absolutely effing convinced that the 3-4 defense wins in this league, and nothing matters more than your ILB's in that defense. To have three proven, veteran savvy guys in there (plus Beisel's special teams expertise), I'm optimistic.

3. Goodbye TG. I personally don't give a crap what whiny bitchy malcontents think about setting records nobody gives a crap about. My way of saying, addition by subtraction.

4. A focused LJ. Remember Larry? I still do. I know I am a blind, rabid, "see no evil" supporter of the guy ... but really? A focused LJ is still among the 5-6 best backs in this league. He's literally playing for his financial livelihood. (Like, sadly, a lot of us are in Obama's America). I believe in him still. You don't suddenly forget to run the football. Unless ...

5. LDT is old. How do I know he's old? He lived in my old dorm when he was a freshman ... and I was a senior at TCU. He can't be San Diego's primary option to run the ball anymore. Darren Sproles, God love him, has proven he can't be a primary back. San Diego is EXACTLY where we were in the late 1990s in their backfield situation. An aging, still somewhat viable great player (us: Allen) and someone that can't handle the difference between "must deliver" and "reality" (us: Greg Hill, Donnell Bennett, Kimble Anders, etc). If San Diego can't run, then you tee off on Rivers (exactly what teams did last year). We can steal this division. Just like the Chargers did last year from our "good friends" in denver. And speaking of them ...

6. Two words: josh. mcdaniels. Readers of this site, and people who know me, know that I hate everything affiliated with the denver broncos with a friggin passion. Hell, I've already basically told one of my best friend's girlfriends (who is a donkeys fan) that she'd better bring a change of clothes if she's gonna survive tailgating on December 6th. (I kid, I kid. She's safe. Any fellow donkey fans she brings that aren't immediate relatives though, well, we tip port-a-potties on visiting fans for a reason).

But seriously, you sh*t can shanarat for this? You trade a potential franchise QB for kyle orton for this? denver is the new oakland. And speaking of which ...

7. I like tom cable. Actually, I like him a lot. I think he's a solid hire, will be a solid head coach, and I quite honestly fear what he brings to the table.

There's just one problem.

He looks like the spitting image of "deadbeat ex-roommate". Right down to the red-haired goatee.

And I refuse to believe that after all the financial sh*t that sad sack of crap put me through, that someone that looks like him will find a way to prosper. So oakland is no threat.

But finally, why I think this season could be epic ...

8. No realistic expectations.

Think back over the last 20 years of Chiefs football. 1989 there were no realistic expectations. We were the first team out. 1995 NOBODY outside of Gregg had ANY belief in that team. Even I thought we had no hope. That team only turned out to be the (co-best) record holder in franchise history, and my single favorite Chiefs team ever. 1999 was a "transition" year. We were (depending on your viewpoint) a missed field goal as time expired (me) or a horrid overtime kickoff (most folks) away from a division title, a layup wildcard round playoff win, and setting off a whole series of events that would have completely altered the franchise. 2001 was supposed to be a throwaway season, only we gained a franchise QB, our all time yardage RB, and an explosive WR threat out of the season, none of whom was here in 2000. (Green, Holmes, Kennison for the less informed out there). 2002 was another "transition year", again, we were the first team out of the playoffs. 2005, 2006 not much was expected. 2005 we were the first team out, 2006 the last team in. Even 2007, nobody outside of me had faith, and we led the division as late as November 25th (at 4-5 granted, but still).

When nobody expect good things from this team, good things happen. (Conversely, save for 1993 and 2003, when great things are expected, this team falls flat on its face.)

I think these guys are going to give us a season to remember. I am really, really fired up about this season. Give these guys a chance. Maybe they'll give us 9-10 denver games from last year to celebrate this season.

And if they don't ... hey. It's not the first time I've been dead wrong about something ...

steve's dream schedule

We find out tomorrow night, in prime time no less, exactly what the Chiefs schedule will look like.

So, as I always do, here is how I'd draw up our schedule if I had the power to do so. Rationale, if any, appears with the selection.

Week 1, Sunday September 13: vs denver broncos, noon, CBS. Why not open the dawn of a new era the same way the Peterson era began: facing our hated rivals in the opener? Although this time, let's get 'em at home, where the Chiefs are 8-2 in their last 10 against denver (losing in overtime in 2002 and in the Packer hangover game in 2007).

Week 2, Sunday September 20: vs Buffalo Bills, noon, CBS. Let's get another winnable home game on the schedule early. Bills will be without Marshawn Lynch. Plus, as an ardent opponent of days below 70 degrees, I want as many home games in heat as possible.

Week 3, Sunday September 27: at Baltimore Ravens, noon, CBS. Get the probable road losses out of the way early, as much as possible. Although this one could be intriguing if the Chiefs start strong.

Week 4, Monday October 5: vs Dallas Cowboys, 7:30pm, ESPN. Its the 50th anniversary of the AFL, and of both franchises coming into existance. Fitting that Dallas' original teams meet in prime time.

Week 5, Sunday October 11: at Philadelphia Eagles, noon, CBS. Eagles are a tough read. Could be really good or could be 2000 Dallas Cowboys ready to collapse type of team. Chiefs, in my "dream" schedule, could (I'd argue should) be 3-1 entering this one.

Week 6, Sunday October 18: at Cincinnati Bengals, noon, CBS. Winnable roadie to build confidence heading into the meat of the schedule. Plus a doable roadie before the weather turns ugly (see at Vikings, 2003, for "roadie Steve never wants to make again due to extreme cold" ... thank God they have a Dome up there ...)

Week 7, Sunday October 25: vs Cleveland Browns, noon, CBS. Winnable home game to round out the first "half" of the schedule. 5-2 is possible with this early schedule. I'd argue its almost must-happen given what's about to come ...

Week 8, Sunday November 1: bye. I don't see Sur William Callahan on the coaching staff, so we should survive "bye" with no losses.

Week 9, Sunday November 8: at oakland raiders, 3:15pm, CBS. Huge, huge, HUGE roadie to open the second half of the season. Chiefs have amazingly won 6 straight in oakland, dating back to Sur William's successful season at the helm for the raiders (2002). All 6 wins have been by 7 or less. Something to remember.

Week 10, Sunday November 15: vs New York Giants, noon, FOX. Dare we dream "flex game"? OK, I'll dream it. Giants won in their last appearance at Arrowhead in arguably the most emotional game in franchise history, the follow-up to 9/11.

Week 11, Sunday November 22: at denver broncos, 3:15pm, CBS. Hide the women and children. If there are any watching this one with me.

Week 12, Sunday November 29: at San Diego Chargers, 3:15pm, CBS. They're the clear front runners for the division. Chiefs are 1-1 in recent years on Thanksgiving Weekend in Qualcomm, losing a debacle in 2000, and winning a close one in 2003.

Week 13, Sunday December 6: vs oakland raiders, noon, CBS. Following two likely road losses, and likely sitting at 6-5 or 5-6, as close to must win as it gets.

Week 14, Thursday December 10: vs Pittsburgh Steelers, 7pm, NFLN. I'm sure I'll be whining, b*tching, moaning and complaining about the cold every damned minute ... until the gates open. Then the grills will be going, the smoke rising in the night air, "In the Air Tonight" blares, and I smile. And slip on a 15th sweatshirt.

Week 15, Sunday December 20: at Washington Redskins, noon, CBS. Chiefs are 1-0 at FedEx. I don't see 2-0 happening.

Week 16, Sunday December 27: vs San Diego Chargers, noon, CBS. Divisional title showdown? (probably not ... but it would rock if it was ...)

Week 17, Sunday January 4: at Jacksonville Jaguars, noon, CBS. I can think of worse places to spend a 33rd birthday weekend than the coast of Florida. Even if it is slightly further north than, say, Tampa or Miami ...

i'm in it to win it

I received an email the other day with an intriguing opportunity.

The email was from our good friends at One Arrowhead Drive.

The text of the email was pretty straight forward:

--------------------

"Dear (chiefs fan):

We are looking for a Section Chief to represent Section 132 during the 2009 season. If you have a passion and enthusiasm for the Chiefs and have good communication skills, then this program is for you.

The Chiefs are excited to announce the launch of our new Section Chiefs program for 2009 Season Ticket Holders. Our goal is to utilize Section Chiefs to help us create section-by- section communities of fans to strengthen fan interaction and communication with the Chiefs and to provide new experiences for season ticket holders throughout the season.

One Section Chief will be identified for each section in the lower and upper levels of Arrowhead Stadium. In this volunteer capacity the Section Chief will be a leader in his/her section to encourage your peers to be the 12th Man on and off the field. We also want you to provide feedback about stadium atmosphere (game production, fan involvement, suggestions to improve the game day experience, etc.). Throughout 2009, special programs and events will be planned for each section.

As a Section Chief, you will enjoy the following benefits:

* A Kickoff Meeting with Chiefs Interim President Denny Thum and Voice of the Chiefs Mitch Holthus.
* A pregame field pass for the Chiefs preseason home game vs. Seattle.
Entry into a drawing to win a pair of tickets to the 2009 Border Showdown between the University of Missouri and the University of Kansas (2 winners selected).
Participation in the Opening Day 50th Anniversary pregame celebration.
* Two complimentary passes to the 2010 Chiefs Draft Day Party.

Your responsibilities will include:

* Completing and submitting an online Post-Game Satisfaction Survey the day following each of the 10 home games.
* Participating in 2-3 special programs and events during the 2009 season with season ticket holders in your section.
* Be a voice of your peers in providing feedback and information to/from your section and the Chiefs.

If you are interested in becoming a Section Chief, please click here to fill out and submit your application. Applications must be received no later than 5:00 pm on Friday, April 10th. The finalists will be notified on April 17th and interviewed at the 2009 Draft Day Party on April 25th.

For those of you who have seats in more than one section, you should apply to be Section Chief in the section where you sit for games.

Thank you to those who have already submitted your application.

--------------------

After much cajoling and encouragement ... I'm in.

I filled out the application earlier today. Here is how I responded. Hopefully it's good enough to get me an interview. Even if its not ... please. Like I'd ever watch a game in that stadium anywhere other than section 132.

Name: steve.
Address: (where I currently live).
City: Kansas City.
State: MO.
ZIP: (my current zip code).
Phone Number: (my current phone number).
Cell Number: (my current cell number).
Email Address: teamtito15@yahoo.com.
Best Time to Reach You: evening.

Professional Information --
Employer: (my current employer).
Address: (my employer's address).
Phone: (my work phone number).
Position: financial accounting specialist. (Note: I've always loved, how both here and at "former employer best known for pyramid building in San Francisco", how the word "specialist" was included in my title. Really? I'm a specialist? I crunch numbers. I don't, like, build bombs or research cancer or create prescription drugs to cure disease. But I am a "specialist". That always kills me for some reason.)

Season Ticket Account: (my sth account number).
Section: 132.

Why Would You Like to Be a Section Chief: Because as anyone who sits by me can attest, nobody in my section gets more into a game than I do. Nobody in 132 is more passionate about this team than I am. And because I think it'd be a lot of fun.

Are You Committed to Attending 2-3 Special Events: Yes.

What Is Your Favorite Part of a Chiefs Game: There's so much I love. The honking of the horns at the gate at 8:30am to let us in. The little rituals and traditions that make our tailgating group so unique. The entire way the Anthem is performed, from the rockets shooting during "the rockets red glare", and the explosions during "the bombs bursting in air", to the "Home of the CHIEFS!" finale. "Start Me Up" on kickoffs. "We're Gonna Beat the Hell Out of You!" after touchdowns, with the red and gold streamers flying from the upper deck in joyful celebration. There's many more, but I'd like to save something for the interview.

Briefly Describe How the Chiefs Can Better Serve Their Fans: Three things. (1) fix the early arrival parking situation. We don't need off-duty Highway Patrolmen on an ego trip armed with guiding tape directing us where to park. Let the early arrivals find their spot and park together within a reasonable time frame, like happens in Houston. And like used to happen here. (2) Bring back the Royals / Chiefs preseason double-header day. We haven't had one since 2003. This should be a yearly celebration of the two things that make KC a major league city. (3) Do not, under any circumstance, in any situation, even contemplate for one second a PSL for each account. You will destroy whatever good will the new regime has restored in the fanbase, and drive many of us who can barely afford these tickets as is to simply give up and walk away. So far, so good on this one.

Verification Code: (i entered what was there).

Then I hit "submit", and that was it.

I'll post any updates as they become available. In the meantime, wish me luck. 132 is going to be the best section in Arrowhead this year! We gain so many great people from 131, like Russ and Mona, Chris and Greg, and Pat. We're gaining section 237's best fans, Gregg and family. And best of all, we're losing the weird guy who wears wolf ears on the aisle with a cigarette above each wolf ear. He's now 133's issue ...