stevo looks back (at his twenty seven favorite episodes of all time). here's number fifteen.

Peter Griffin: "Look at these idiots!  They're not even listening!  You know what?  We got to prove it to them!  I'm gonna go into that supermarket and get some water, and you're gonna turn it into wine!"
Jesus Christ: "OK, cool.  Hey, can you get me a Cracked Magazine?"
Peter Griffin: "Cracked?  Jesus Christ!  Unbelievable!"

--------------------

And welcome back to the third installment in this summer's (least) riveting, (not even remotely) entertaining, (anything but) gripping look back into the twenty seven (plus one!) episodes of television history that I enjoy the most.

If you're devoutly religious?  If mocking religion offends you?  If you think Dave Coulier is the greatest comedian in the history of comedy?

You might wanna skip this one.

Because today's installment?  Well, it isn't quite season three of "Full House" being released on DVD.

It's bigger.

--------------------

In case you've forgotten, here are the Twenty Seven (Plus One) Episodes I'll be live-recapping, as they unfold, as the summer, uuh, unfolds:

1. "Hearts and Souls", NYPD Blue.
2. "The Man Behind the Curtain", Lost.
3. "Mud Bowl", Friday Night Lights.
4. "Heartland", NCIS.
5. "The Thrilla Near the Vanilla Extract", Roseanne.
6. "Chuckles Bites the Dust", The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
7. "Cries of Silence", Hunter.
8. "Raging Bulls", NYPD Blue.
9. "The Son", Friday Night Lights.
10. "The Shape of Things to Come", Lost.
11. "A Matter of Mothers", Good Times.
12. "Happily Ever After", Lost.
13. "Leslie and Ben", Parks and Recreation.
14. "2162 Votes", The West Wing.
15. "I Dream of Jesus", Family Guy.
16. "JR's Masterpiece", Dallas (reboot).
17a. "College", The Sopranos.
17b. "Made In America", The Sopranos.
18. "What a Day For a Daydream", Roseanne.
19. "Forever Blue", Cold Case.
20. "The Merv Griffin Show", Seinfeld.
21. "Pilot", Smash.
22. "The Rainy Day Women", The OC
23. "Two Cathedrals", The West Wing.
24. "The Wind That Blew My Heart Away", One Tree Hill.
25. "Cabin Fever", Swingtown.
26. "The Accident", The Wonder Years.
27. "Baby Blues", Cold Case.

--------------------

"I Dream of Jesus", Family Guy.

Season Seven, Episode Two.

First Aired: Sunday, October 5, 2008.

Director: Mike Kim.

Writer(s): Brian Scully.

Run Time: 22 minutes (approximate).

Availability:

Netflix?  Yes.

Hulu? Yes.

Youtube?  No.

Plot Summary: Peter finds Jesus Christ working at a record shop, and convinced Him to make his Second Coming.

Why I Love This Episode So Much: Because literally, from the opening scene, you will not stop laughing.  There is not a group of people who will not find at least one scene in this episode offensive -- religious folks, black folks, white folks, cows, Dave Coulier fans, Jay Leno fans, and oh yeah -- that thing that IS, "The Word".  And no, I ain't talking about the Bible ...

For the purposes of this rewatch, I am watching it on iTunes, as you're damned skippy I own this episode.

(late 1980s nbc announcer voice) And now, "I Dream of Jesus", from season seven of "Family Guy" ...

--------------------

0:01: you will never convince me that one of, if not the, key to "Family Guy"'s success, isn't the fact that it's one of the very few shows anymore with a legitimate opening theme song.

0:16: "Luckily there's a Family Guy!"  Well luck ... and those of us who jacked the ratings on Adult Swim so far and high through the proverbial roof, that FOX renewed a show it cancelled two years earlier.  You're welcome.

0:31: we open at the "Nifty Fifties Diner".

0:34: the jukebox makes its first appearance.  Do NOT sleep on this plot development:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

0:40: "You know kids, there's a lot of history here.  These '50s diners were really popular in the '80s."

0:45: "Boy am I gonna enjoy this meal!  Not like last night, when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived."

He most assuredly did NOT have time to poop, before the guests arrived.

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

1:01: "Look at this place!  They don't serve any of this 1950s food anymore!  Hamburgers, french fries, cokes!  Ha ha ha ha!  You kids don't know what I'm talking about!"

1:19: "Look!  There's James Dean after the accident!"

Yeah, definitely NOT the James Deen that had "the accident" in that "Teen Mom"'s "backdoor".

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

1:24: I'm sorry, this is THE funniest moment of the episode:

Lois: "Oh look!  Cleveland finally made it!"

Cleveland: "Oh hey there, Griffins!"

Diner security:

Cleveland: "oh!  This takes me back!"

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

1:42: "Oh yeah Chris!  Polio back then was like AIDS today!  Except people who have polio get into heaven!"

1:47: it begins.

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

1:48: "The bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word ..."

1:55: "Oh!  My!  God!  This is "Surfin' Bird" by the Trashmen!  This is my favorite song of all time!"

2:00: somebody's happy:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

2:17: "Hey -- guy behind the counter?  The bird is the word!"

2:19: "Hey -- frightened little child?  The bird is the word!"

2:22: "Lady on the toilet?  The bird is the word!"

2:24: (to lady on the toilet) "Well don't know you about the word?"

2:25 (lady on the toilet) "Sure!  Everybody knows that the bird is the word!"

2:32: "Again!  Again!  I love repetition!"

2:36: the fun's over:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

2:38: "This song's from the 1960s."

2:42: "Well can I have that record?  I love that song!  I'll let you have sex with my daughter."

2:46: "I don't know.  Let's see what your daughter looks like."

2:48: "She's right over ... there."

2:53: "OK, I'll do her.  But can you tell her to cry, and beg me to stop?"

2:56: "I think that can be arranged ..."

3:04: the song is still playing.

3:06: Lois is not happy.

3:15: "Lois?  I'm going to ask you this only once.  Do you, or do you not, know about the bird?  Because EVERYBODY'S HEARD THAT THE BIRD IS THE WORD!"

3:31: "Look, just go to sleep, alright?"

3:40: "the b ... b ... bird bird bird, the bird is the word!"

3:50: "Peter?  I have a mammogram in the morning."  Talk about a cockblock!

3:57: "Brian, can I see that paper?"

4:01: Peter: "huh.  That's odd.  I thought that would be big news."

4:04: Brian: "you thought what would be big news?"

4:07: Peter: "Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ... ornothological piece.  A headline regarding a mass awareness of a certain ... avian variety."

4:15: Brian: "What are you talking about?"

4:16: Peter: "Oh haven't you heard?  It was my understanding that everyone had heard."

4:18: Brian: "what?"

4:19: Stewie: "Brian, DON'T!!!!!!!"

4:41: mmm bop a mmm maw maw, mmm maw a maw ...

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

4:51: "Oh my God!  Peter!  Are you ok?"

(brian griffin voice) what the hell?!?!?!

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

4:53: bahp bahp a ooh moo maw maw, pahp bahp a ooh ooh maw maw!  Yup, he's good.

5:05: Stewie, on the other hand:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

5:08: so allow me to rant here for a moment.  The beauty of "Family Guy", amongst many things beautiful about it, is that it never -- and I mean never -- fails to take a joke, and run it so hard into the ground, that you can't stop finding it to be funny.  I mean, scroll back up to the beginning, to what the Wikipedia-plagarized plot summary says about this episode.  We're nearly a quarter of the way through, and not ONE THING from the plot summary, has occurred yet!  It's been a five minute tribute to "Surfin' Bird"!  And there's still at least half the episode left, devoted to "Surfin' Bird"!  Beginning with:

5:09: "Peter!  I was just at the bank, and they told me you withdrew $6,000 cash from our savings!  That's almost everything that we have!  What the hell was it for?"

5:16: "I bought some local TV air time, Lois, and I did a public service announcement of vital importance."

Said PSA?

5:24: "Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.  You know, there's an issue facing many Americans today that I know concerns a great number of us.  According to Gallup Polls, one in twelve Americans is unaware that the bird is the word.  I for one, dream of an America where everyone knows that the bird is the word."

5:40: "buh buh buh bird bird bird, the bird is the word!"

5:43: "My God!  Is it possible?  Have the boys in the lab confirm this!"

Mayor West, everyone -- looking out for our vital interests:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

5:50: "Sir!  Our math shows the bird is equal to -- or greater than! -- the word!"

5:53: "Check it again!"

Allow me a minor rant here -- this scene is just so comedically funny, I need to rewind it a couple times before proceeding onward.

Also note -- we're now six minutes into a twenty two minute episode, and we have yet to have one glimpse, let alone plot development, that matches the plot summary.  And yet, is anyone complaining?  (Nope.)  Is anyone upset?  (Nope.)  Have Quahog's finest minds confirmed that the bird is equal to, or greater than, the word?  (Yup.)

Bap bap a bap a ooh moo maw maw, ooh moo maw maw ...

5:57: Brian and Stewie, on the couch, hearing "Surfin' Bird" yet again.  Not good times in the land formerly known as Petoria.

6:06: Brian has had enough!

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

6:08: "we have got to get that record, and destroy it!  Just like that fat person's surgery destroyed Star Jones' arms!"

6:25: the plan gets underway.  If you thought this was plagarized from the first "Mission: Impossible" movie, congratulations, you're a winner!

6:35: sorry, but you have to laugh at Peter's snoring.  "ZZZZZZZZZ -- bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, bird .... ZZZZZZZZZ -- bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, bird ...."

6:47: our long national nightmare is almost over!  Or is it?

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

6:52: a blood-curling scream!  I think Peter knows his record is gone!

6:55: "WHO!  DID!  THIS!!!!!"

6:56: "Who did what, Pop?"

6:58: "Yes, Peter -- what has you upset?"

7:01: "Surfin' Bird ... IS GONE!"

7:04: "I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning?  IT'S GONE!"  Well, I'd like to say that is how I spent last night ... but nope -- I fell asleep above the legal limit, yet surprisingly coherent, with my brother's dog passing gas next to me half the night.  Adventures In Dogsitting 101!

7:09: "Oh, noone here had a motive?"  Cue a horrific late 1970s style accusation, that ends with Chris "shooting" Peter with a water gun.  Let's pretend this scene never happened.

7:38: "Well it sure is odd.  A record doesn't just get up and walk away ..."

7:56: "Well the hell with all of you!  I'm going downtown to buy another copy of "Surfin' Bird"!"

8:00: "Peter, that's not necessary!  I'm sure it will turn up somewhere!"

8:03: "I wouldn't count on it Lois."

8:05: if you said "wow, they plagarized this scene right out of "Office Space"," congratulations, you're a winner!  It's also hysterical

9:06: literally a minute later:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

9:10: Good Guys 1, "Surfin' Bird" 0:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

9:14: wait -- is the plot summary of this episode about to finally sprout?

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

9:16: "Do you have "Surfin' Bird" by the Trashmen?"
9"19: "No, I'm sorry.  A dog and a baby came in, and bought all 63 copies."
9:21: "Dammit!  That is the third used record store with that same story!"
9:26: "You ... uuh ... you look familiar.  Do I know you?  Did you go to, uuh ... North Providence High School?"
9:32: "No."
9:33: "You, uuh, friends, with, uuh, Gary, who owns the dry cleaners?"
9:36: "No."
9:37: "Are you Jesus Christ?"

You be the judge:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

9:41: "No I'm not!  I'm just a guy working in a record store!"

9:46: "Well if you're not, then you won't mind if I pee on these Amy Grant cd's"
9:49: "Please!  NO!"

9:56: "Oh my God!  Jesus Christ!  The Messiah!  You've returned!  You've returned to bring us the good word!"
10:00: "What word?"
10:01: "well the bird, bird, bird?  The bird is the word!"

10:22: "It's not the second coming!"
10:23: "OK, then what are you doing down here?"

10:34: "Plus the timing seemed good, because my dad just quit smoking ..."

10:42: "You're the first person to recognize me in two thousand years!"

10:45: Peter invites Jesus over for dinner.

10:52: "After we finish eating, we can watch that Youtube! footage, of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone!"

Trust me -- hilarity ensues.

11:30: "I'm actually glad you're all here tonight.  I want to tell you, one of you will betray me."
11:33: "Nah, I'm just kidding!"
11:35: "Aw, he's doing that thing he did in the story book!"

11:42: depending on your religious persuasion, an either (hilarious or offensive) retelling of the Crucifixion.  I lean offensive ... and I'm not religious.

11:58: "Ok, ok, that's a pretty nutty weekend, but I can top it.  So me, Cleveland, and Joe are just wrecked on Southern Comfort ..."  Hey -- we've all been there.

12:21: "I really just want to rub (Muriel Goldman)'s Jewish nose in this!"

12:23: "OK, I'll ask.  How do we really know you're Jesus?"  As always, the "Voice of Reason" ... is a weed-addicted dog**:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

(**: as always, the "Voice of Reason" is not a weed-addicted dog ... at least not on this site.)

12:31: Jesus turns that meat / potatoes / veggie dinner into chocolate fudge sundaes!

12:35: Meg: "I love you Jesus!"
12:36: Jesus: "I love you too, 'fella!"

12:37: Peter asks Jesus for his own little miracle.

12:44: "Ask?  And ye shall receive!":

(Image(s) credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

12:51: "Hey Jesus?  I know you're trying to keep a low profile ... but there's one person I really want you to meet."

13:02: President Bush: "I answer to a higher power.  I answer ... to Jesus Christ."
13:03: Peter: "Well that's funny, because I have Jesus Christ right over here ..."

13:11: Jesus: "how you ever got to be President of anything?  Is totally amazing!"
13:13: Peter: "boy, wouldn't it be great if life worked like this?"  Yes.  Yes it would.

13:22: "you may look like a bum, but you got a lot of talent, young man!"

13:31: Peter trying to convince Jesus to speed up the timeline of the Second Coming.

13:33: "You gotta get back out there -- coloring eggs, and hiding them for kids!"

13:41: "Absolutely!  This world needs you, Jesus!  It needs you like a guy who can't get it up needs a distraction!"  Allow me to say, the fact that Mister Conway Twitty does not appear singing "Slow Hand" in the next part of the episode, is OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!

(Hang on ... we're going on a tangent here ...)

(and a brief pause ... come on, you KNOW you clicked on the link above ...)

0:03: "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty!"

0:13: the shrieking of the ladies for Mister Conway Twitty.  Awesome.  Absolutely awesome!

(Image credit: @JJonesBNA, on Youtube!)

0:20: "I saw the look in your eye!  Lookin' into the night!"  Yeah?  So?

0:27: "Darlin'?  Don't say a word!  I already heard!  What your body's saying to mine!"  Oh, that's good.  That's so, so, so damned good!

0:40: what do you want, ladies, chicas, and peepettes who love this site?  You know it!  Admit it!  You want ... hang on, to do this properly ... ladies, chicas, and peepettes, Mister Conway Twitty!

0:46: "You want a man with a slow hand!  You want a lover with an easy touch!  You want somebody who will spend some time -- not come and go in a heated rush!"

Oh, that's good.  That's so, so, so damned good!

1:03: "Baby?  Believe me -- I understand!  When it comes to love?  You want a slow hand!"

Oh sweet merciful Jesus, that is epic!

Where, exactly, pray tell, are those "slow hands"?  Sure -- one's on the microphone ... but where's the other?  :)

(Image credit: @JJonesBNA, on Youtube!)

If you want to take the next two minutes to finish watching Mister Conway Twitty?  Please, by all means, do so.  The link in case you didn't click it.

Hell, I can't resist it either:

1:49: "If you want all night?  You know it's alright!  I got time! ..."

Oh yeah ...

1:57: "You want a man with a slow hand!  You want a lover with an easy touch!"  He not just sings it -- he holds said slow hand out, to acknowledge the screaming females in the upper deck!

God above, epic.  Just absolutely EPIC!  I WISH I could write like that!

(Image credit: @JJonesBNA, on Youtube!)

I'm telling you -- this is THE greatest song ever recorded.  For all the wrong reasons, granted -- but still.  You KNOW you want a man with a "slow hand", ladies.  You know you want a lover with an "easy touch". You know you crave somebody who will "spend some time", not "cum and go" in a heated rush.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well of course I intentionally misspelled come!  Like I could resist that?  Hang on -- Mister Vice President, care to chime in?

(vice president (for how much longer?) biden) no.

Probably the right call.

Back to the recap ...

14:01: "Everyone!  May I have your attention please!  I would like to introduce you to the one, the only, Jesus Christ!"

Go figure -- noone cares.

14:14: the opening quotation's scene begins.

14:29: let's just say, Peter is NOT a fan, of "Cracked" magazine:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

14:32: whoa!  The $20 is floating on water!

14:41: whoa!  He's WALKING on water!:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

14:45: "oh my God!  It's Jesus!"
14:48: "and his best pal Peter!"  Yeah.  We'll go with that.

14:55: "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno: Providing Background Noise for Intercourse since 1992!"  My bedroom begs to differ.

15:00: "Fifteen minutes, Mister Christ!"  Wow, they like, totally, synched up the, uuh, story book there.

15:02: "Wow!  Jesus!  Can you believe you're gonna get to meet Jay Leno?"  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well hell, if they haven't figured out why I love this episode like I do by this point, there's NO hope for the readership ...

15:06: "Why is it when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous, but when I did, I got suspended from school for five days?"  Gotta admit -- a very valid question.

15:19: "Now who are you?"
15:21: "Jesus Christ!"
15:23: "Who are you?"
15:25: "Jesus Christ!"

(15:26: my mom writing me out of the will after reading this ...)

15:28: "My thanks again to Dave Coulier!  Season three of "Full House" is out on DVD ..."  NEVER fails to crack me up.

No clue if he has a "slow hand".  Or an "easy touch".

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

15:38: the sleazy lounge band playing "O Little Town of Bethlehem" as Jesus walks on stage, is beyond hysterical.

15:48: "eating a lot of pink berry".  NEVER fails to crack me up.

16:12: if you wanna stick around, we'll be right back, with Joss Stone.

16:14: sometimes, satire is even funnier than reality ... and yes, I am FULLY aware of the satire of using this as, uuh, satire:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

16:19: "Did you see that?  He made Jay Leno laugh!"  My God!  He truly IS the Messiah!

16:21: "This guy is gonna be huge!"

16:25: Newspaper headline: "He Is Risen!"
16:28: Time byline: "Messiah of the Year!"
16:33: as only the New York Post can: "Jesus ... Bigger than Jesus!"

16:36: Dane Cook welcomes us to some MTV awards show.

16:52: you know what I hate?  Dane Cook.

17:03: "Is he saying something funny?"  No.  No he's not.
17:06: "I don't know, but he's moving around a lot, so I guess (so)".  No.  No, he's not.

17:16: to present the next award ... Jesus Christ ... and the Pussycat Dolls.  There's an obvious joke in there.  I'm guessing we'll get it.

17:26: "Boy, who would have thought me, Peter Griffin, the guy who just two weeks ago drew a smiley face on his own testicle to make his son laugh ..."

17:40: "Last time I was down here?  I only hung around with one whore!"  THERE'S the obvious joke!

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

17:47: Dane Cook tries to steal the applause line.  What an asshat.  Wait, did I just say that out loud?

17:53: Christ's crew is leaving.
17:57: Peter realizes he's no longer part of Christ's crew.
17:58: Peter is pissed.  Gotta admit, I'm with Peter on this one.

18:09: a gay cow has replaced Peter in the entourage.  Again, I'm with Peter on this one:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

18:22: Peter pissed that Jesus won't return his calls.

18:28: "No, no.  It rang twice, then the voice mail picked up.  If it had gone straight to voice mail, that means the phone was off.  If it rang like six times, that means he didn't hear it.  But it rang twice, Lois!  That means the phone rang, he saw it was me, and then he pressed a button, and sent it straight to voice mail!"  Gotta admit -- not even I can find fault with that logic.  Or with Peter's next inspired "you talk to me or else!" idea:

18:42: "You know what?  Give me your phone!  I bet he'll pick up!"

18:45: Peter dialing Jesus, via Lois' phone.

18:47: My God, it worked!

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

18:55: "I forgot to tell you -- I have a doctor's appointment today!"  Gotta admit, that's a solid excuse for not returning a call from a friend to just hang out.

18:57: "Hey look!  Lindsey Lohan just took her top off!"
18:59: "Hey!  I just drank a beer!  Who wants to do me?"
19:02: (the realization that even FIVE YEARS AGO, Lindsey Lohan was one f*cked up individual ...)
19:03: "I do!"
19:04: "Me too!"
19:06: "I just did you ... but I'll do you again!"
19:07: "Uuh ... I gotta go."

19:22: "Maybe ... but one thing's for sure Lois.  NONE of this would have happened if somebody hadn't STOLEN MY (BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!) SURFIN' BIRD RECORD!"  Game, set, match, Peter Griffin!

19:27: Tom Tucker!

19:32: "Local record shop employee Jesus Christ was found in Mary Kate Olson's apartment this morning ..."  Uuh, that doesn't sound good.

19:40: "Police revived and arrested the disoriented Jesus, who was quoted as saying, "Jews are responsible for all the world's wars"."

19:50: "Griffin residence, Peter speaking!"
19:52: It's Jesus.
19:54: "Oh yeah?  Why should I?"
19:57: "Well get someone else to bail you out!"
20:00: "Yeah, well what are you gonna do?"
20:02: this:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

20:04: needless to say, Peter's on his way to post bail.

20:08: "Jesus Christ!  Look at you!"

20:24: "You want the truth?  I think it's time for me to go.  This world's not ready for me yet."

20:34: "Well that's a very mature thing to say right there!"

20:39: "Well, before I go Peter, there's something I want to give you.  Hold out your hands."

20:46: And Jesus' parting gift to Peter is?

20:48: Not sure, but he likes it --

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

20:52: "Well, I guess that's it then.  Jesus is gone."
20:55: "I sure am gonna miss him."
20:57: "Me too.  Although he did give me something right before he disappeared."
21:01: "What?"
21:02: "Something very special, Lois."
20:04: "What is it, dad?"
21:05: "What?  You haven't heard?"
21:06: CRAPPPPPP!:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

21:08: "Well the bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word!"

21:13: your parting gift:

(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)

--------------------

This recap, I gotta admit, didn't translate all that well.  Probably because "Family Guy" has so many "blink and you miss it" moments of hilarity, it's damned near impossible to capture just how funny this episode was. But I tried.

FYI: #26 on the list is probably up next, hopefully by Tuesday.  So in anticipation of that, let me state up front: if anyone -- and I mean ANYONE -- for even a brief moment of time, mocks me for openly crying throughout the last 4:40, especially once you reach the 1:57 onward mark, of this rewatch? 

I will hunt you down and beat your ass ... like Stone Cold Steve Austin beating Vince McMahon in a "kiss my ass" match.  And that's the bottom line!  Because Stevo said so ...

luckily there's a family guy ...

Since this started as a work thread, I'm taking it to the blog. My 5 favorite Family Guy episodes (so far).

I'm just going to post what I loved about the episodes. I'm sure I'll miss stuff, but so be it.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Ideas? There's a comments section for a reason. Or my email and IM is on the profile, drop me a line ...

5. "McBurgertown". The mustache thing is just great. "Look at those men. What style, what grace, what class!" "My mustache says that there is a 90% chance that I am poorly educated, that I keep upscale porn magazines in my coffee table" "Yes Chris, its a mustache kind of morning. In my jean jacket, my blue jeans ... I tell you what, after breakfast, I'm gonna take you down to the whorehouse, where you can lose your virginity. Would you like that? / Would I! That's a way better gift than that buff hamster you gave me last Christmas!"

The Freddie Mercury line. "Gay / My mustache does not make me gay! / Gay / Fine Brian. If my mustache makes me gay, then Freddie Mercury was gay / Freddie Mercury? The lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay!"

The opening to the episode, where Peter gets Cleveland's mail. "Grape Soda Quarterly. Orange Soda Daily. Mustache Aficionado".

Tying up Brian to replace his mustache. "Mustache fart".

And of course, gorging on the free burgers from McBurgertown and suffering the stroke. "Oh my God, Peter. How are you feeling? / Uuh, I've had better days Lois. I've had better days". "Lois, what the hell are you doing? You gave me my beer on my stroky side!" Driving the car into a tree as the kayakers float by "Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! / Stop Mocking Me!"

Then stumbling into the stem cell research facility, emerging perfectly healthy, "How long was I in there? 5 minutes. Why are we not funding this?!?!"

And capped off by the first appearance of Peter's lawyer, Mousy McDermott! "You've got to be kitten me!"

4. "Life of Brian". Brian wins the Rising Writers Contest and he, Peter and Lois head off to Cape Cod to get his award. "Peter! You're an hour late and you're stinking drunk! You know, Lois (hiccup), every time ... every time we come to (hiccup) one of these ... things ... you hide the key ... to the mini bar from me. (hiccup) But I found it. I found it!"

The next morning in Lois and Peter's hotel room. "Damn Nature! You Scary!"

And the best part, the kids get left with Herbert. "No offense Mr. Herbert, but I'm a 16 year old girl, and I don't need you / well no offense Meg, but you're a 16 year old girl, and I don't need you!" "Mr. Herbert, are you a pedophile?" "Rats! You mean I missed Boy Meets World for this?" "Ok, kids, its bath time! / Oh, I don't wanna take a bath / Not for you silly, for me! I need a strong young boy with good strong hands to rub me down, mmm hmm ..."

And Peter marrying Nathan Lane. "But the joke's on him Lois! Two men can't marry! / They can in this state Peter! / Oh. Well, in that case, we're registered at Target and Linens n Things".

Plus Brian finally giving in and trying to nail Lois. "Brian tried to have sex with me! / Oh. He bigger than me?"

"The Spirit of Massachusetts is the Spirit of America! The spirit of what's old and what's new! The Spirit of Massachusetts is the Spirit of America! The spirit of the red, white and blue!"

3. "I Dream of Jesus". "You know, these 50s diners used to be really popular in the 80s". "Oh look, Cleveland's here! (cue the dogs and firehoses) Oh, that takes me back." "Look at this menu kids. Burgers, fries, coke. You kids have no idea what I'm talking about".

"Oh yeah, Chris, polio used to be as big as AIDS. Only people with polio got to go to heaven".

"Well everyone's heard, about the word, because the bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word!"

"I'll let you have sex with my daughter / Which one is she / She's right ... there / OK, I'll do her. But you have to get her to scream and act like she doesn't want it / I think that can be arranged ..."

"Have the boys in the lab run tests on that / Sir, our tests confirm that the bird is equal to or greater than the word / Do it again!"

The Office Space beatdown of the "Surfin Bird" record, just awesome.

And then, of course, "Hi, I'm looking for "Surfin Bird" by the Trashmen / Sorry, a dog and a baby bought all 63 copies we had / Dammit, this is the 3rd used record store with that same excuse. Hey, don't I know you from somewhere? Did you go to North Providence High? Are you friends with Gary who owns the dry cleaners? Are you Jesus Christ?"

"OK, that's a nutty story, but I can top it. So me, Cleveland and Joe are just wrecked on Southern Comfort ..."

"I love you Jesus! / I love you too fella"

"I know the American people have turned on me and on this war, but I don't care. I don't answer to them. I answer to a higher power, the power of Jesus Christ / Oh really, because it just so happens that I have Jesus right here / I've heard what you said. How you ever got to be in charge of anything, I will never understand ..."

"Hey can you pick me up a Cracked Magazine? / Cracked Magazine? Really? Jesus Christ, unbelievable"

"I'd like to thank our guest Dave Coulier, season three of Full House now out on DVD. OK, our next guest died for our sins and now he's back on the scene ..."

The "O Little Town of Bethlehem" lounge version of the song as Jesus walks out, hysterical.

"To think that I, Peter Griffin, a man who just last week drew a picture of a smiley face on his testicles to make his son laugh ... well, I forget where I was going with this but yay, that's my buddy Jesus!"

"I don't know Lois, but I do know one thing -- none of this would have happened if someone hadn't stolen my mother f*cking Surfin Bird record!!!"

2. "PTV". The opening, with Peter laying down the red carpet for the Emmy's, Lois getting hacked and throwing down with him. "You like eating red carpet! Admit it, you like eating red carpet / I like eating red carpet! / say it again! / I like eating red carpet!" as Quagmire is listening outside the window, then he passes out and lets out a "giggity".

The "David Hyde Pierce trowser malfunction".

Stewie and Brian's sitcom, "Cheeky Bastard".

Quagmire's Ladies Man type call in show.

And of course, "Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. Tonight we're going to look back at all the partial nudity prime time TV used to offer. Remember this side boob? Check out this side boob. How about that side boob? That turn you on? Well it shouldn't. Because that's my side boob. Good night everyone!" Which leads into the greatest moment in Family Guy history:

(lois) the side boob hour?!?!
(peter) oh yes Lois. its the anchor of our Tuesday night prime time lineup.
(lois) Peter, you've left me no choice. I called the FCC.
(peter) oh yeah, I know all about the FCC ...

(cue the music! and yes, I am singing along ...)

They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this
They will make you take a tinkle when you wanna take a piss
And they'll make you call fellatio a trowser friendly kiss

Here's the plain situation
There's no negotiation
With the fellas at the freaking FCC!

They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups
Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops
When any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops

Take a tip, take a lesson
You'll never win by messin
With the fellas at the freaking FCC!

And when you find yourself with some young sexy thing
You're gonna have to do her with your ding-a-ling
Cause you can't say penis

So they sent this little warning, they're prepared to do their worst
And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced
I can think of quite another place they should have stuck it first

They may just be neurotic!
Or possibly psychotic!
They're the fellas at the freaking FCC!!!

The FCC censorship of everything, from Peter's chin, to Lois getting angry, to Lois and Peter's most intimate moment. "No hip movement, no thrusting, no heavy breathing / How can anyone get off / done! Good night Lois".

And the finale, when Peter marches on the Capital and points out how all the monuments can be misconstrued. "The Washington Monument. Looks an awful lot like a penis, doesn't it? The Lincoln Memorial. You tell me he isn't taking a dump".

But my favorite episode ever ...

1. "No Meals on Wheels". You open with Mort borrowing a crucifix for some school project for his kid, and Peter getting angry because "Mort's always borrowing our stuff", so he creates a Scarejew. "Oh! Oh, its Hitler! Oh my God, protect Jon Stewart, he's our most precious natural resource!"

The trip to the 2nd chance store to find Peter a new suit. Stewie playing with the Raggedy Ann doll. "I'm not your whore! Its excess water weight you bastard! I'm sorry, I was only kidding! / Well, I guess I can play with it 3 weeks out of the month ..." When Peter comes upon the piece de resistance, the flannel pajamas with a flap in the back. "Good Lord! You mean I can be pooping and warm? No longer will I have to make a choice!"

The Yahtzee game. "You roll the dice, then flap your arms like this and yell Yahtzee! / And you'll do it? / Of course / Yahtzee! / Gay"

Then Peter discovers his magical powers by dragging his flannel pj's across the carpet. "Oh my God. I'm Jesus. Lois, I don't mean to sound the alarm but, I think I might be Jesus / Peter, that's a static shock caused by OW! / Kneel before Christ!"

Lois gets sick of it so she has Quagmire come over to rip up the carpeting. "Well I gotta be honest with you Lois, when you said you wanted your carpet ripped up I thought ... never mind, never mind, its fine, its fine. Hey, you want me to leave a little landing strip? / No, I want it all gone! / Alright! Goin Brazilian!"

Opening the restaurant with the coin they found that was worth $50,000. "Hey, do you take Discover? / Do we take Discover? Hey Lois, this guy wants to know if we take Discover card / Ha ha ha / Sir, your Discover card is of no value here. A Discover card says I cannot get a real credit card, because they approve anyone ... / You don't have to insult me, you can just decline to take the / I will insult you! And you will stand there and take it!"

Then the cripples roll in, as Joe and his buddies decide to make Big Pete's House of Munch their new hangout. "Oh, oh God, you know there's gonna be a disgrunted Vietnam Vet in there ... oh, there he is / I've seen some things man. Things."

So Peter is hacked that his "dream restaurant" has turned into a "cripple hangout", so he changes the rules to "no shoes, no shirt, no legs, no service". Joe and his fellow cripples gang up to attack, via the Crippletron 3000. After the ensuing battle and destruction ends, with an appearance by Ben Stiller's ears, Peter is confined to a wheelchair.

"No. Because I will be a dignified cripple!" And with those words, my favorite scene in Family Guy history unfolds to the music of Elton John's "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues", as Peter is carted around Quahog on the back of the wagon, pushed down the steps, chases his daughter but can't reach her because of his limitations, and ends with Peter bawling in frustration, and wheeling his way over to Joe's house to apologize. "Joe, until my accident I had no idea how hard you cripples had it. I've been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes ..."

Episode ends with two good friends making up, and an invite from Joe. "Hey, Bonnie and I are getting ready to watch Grey's Anatomy, if you'd like to join us / Gosh Joe that ... that sounds awful".

Man I love this show ...