“Do you know where you’re going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know …
Do you get what you’re hoping for?
When you look behind you, there’s no open doors!
What are you hoping for?
Do you know …
Once? We were standing in still, in time.
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds.
You knew I loved you, but my spirit was free!
Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me …
Do you know where you’re going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know …
And now? Looking back at all we’ve had?
We let so many dreams, just slip through our hands!
Why must we wait so long, before we see,
How sure the answers to those questions can be …
Do you know where you’re going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know …
Do you get what you’re hoping for?
When you look behind you, there’s no open doors!
What are you hoping for?
Do you know …”
-- “The Theme from Mahogany” by Diana Ross. (cue average readers voice) What the f*ck? THIS is the theme?!?!?! Hey honey! Stevo done finally lost his damned mind! …
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Last Week SU: 11-5-0 (68.75%).
Season to Date SU: 23-8-0 (74.19%). Circle me terrified, Bert. Circle me terrified.
Last Week ATS: 10-6-0 (62.50%).
Season to Date ATS: 21-9-1 (67.75%). Holy how the hell did this happen, Batman!
Last Week “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: bango.
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 2-0-0 (100%).
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 2-0-0 (100%).
This Week’s “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: Lions (+2 ½) over “Shane” Falcons.
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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Predictions:
* My Thursday night pick was at 49ers (+3) 16, Rams 3. Also, “Webster Game O’ The Week”.
* Jaguars (+3) 24, Ravens 14 (Game in London). This one is so sh*ttacular, no network that broadcasts the NFL will air it! No, really! You have to log into Yahoo! to watch! Also, the only reason this one avoided a horrific sitcom designation is … really, there is no reason. And since I’m tired of the looming spectre of bringing Ann Romano and Schneider back into our lives for even one second of time, let’s reassign the fifth worst game of the week from “One Day at a Time” to a highly underrated disaster that somehow lasted seven years on CBS. This, peoples and peepettes, is your “Designing Women Game O’ The Week”!
* those people (-2 ½) 34, at Bills 21. I hope I’m wrong about this, but I don’t believe the Bills will win even one game this year against any at least semi-competently managed franchise. And whatever I may think of those people and the absolute sh*tstains of life each and every single one of their demon-indwelt fans are, they are at least semi-competently managed.
* Saints (+5 ½) 27, at Panthers 10. Course correction time. The Saints aren’t this bad; the Panthers aren’t this good.
* Steelers 28, Bears (+8 ½) 27. Will be closer than you’d think. Also, get ready peoples and peepettes -- we get the Bears in prime time the next two weeks! And incredibly enough, neither game involving the Bears, is the worst prime time game we’ll endure in those two weeks! Also, probably “ALF Game O’ The Week”.
* at Lions (+2 ½) 38, “Shane” Falcons 28. This Lions team reminds me a lot of the 2003 Chiefs. And yes, I did mean that as a compliment (says the dude who has the “Shane” Falcons at Detroit Lions as his NFC Title Game prediction). They can score at will … and be scored on at will.
* at Colts (+½) 6, Browns 2. Forget “Good Times Game O’ The Week”, which this putrid offering certainly is. This might be the “Good Times Game O’ The Year” when this season is said and done. Brissett! Kizer! Browns! Colts! Mowins! Feely! ONLY … CBS!!!!!!
* at Vikings (+2 ½) 14, Bucs 13. I have no idea, other than I slightly trust Case Keenum in front of a passionate home crowd knowing this is as close to “must win” as Week Three can be, over Famous Jameis facing said crowd on the road.
* at Patriots 24, Texans (+7 ½) 21. The dirty little secret is that the Texans had the ball, down one score, entering the fourth quarter of their last matchup in Foxboro … with brock osweiler under center. If brock can keep the Texans within a score, I’m betting a far more competent quarterback can. I believe in Deshaun Watson. And yes, there’s a very large part of me thankful I cannot make Houston in two weeks due to this pesky thing called a job. Because damn, how awesome the first Watson / Mahomes “Of The Chiefs!” matchup is going to be next year, when the Texans (hopefully) visit Arrowhead. (They will if they finish in the same slot as the Chiefs … and since I have both winning their divisions, let’s hope this happens.)
* at Eagles (-7 ½) 37, Giants 7. I am still working on the recap from Sunday, but suffice it to say, Carson Wentz impressed me. A lot.
* Seahawks (+1 ½) 17, at Titans 6. Wayne Allyn Root Memorial Contrarian Game O’ The Week. When every man and his third cousin is taking one team? Take the other. Way too many people hopping on a bandwagon piloted by Mike Mularkey. Too bad proud Jayhawk alumnus KS “Bud” Adams is no longer around to single-finger salute his team after this losing effort.
* at Packers (-4 ½) 38, Bengals 6. How in God’s name is this only 4 ½? (Note: as always, I pull all lines from USA Today.) Does anyone believe the Bengals can stay within five points at Lambeau? Put your hand down Marvin Lewis. In fact, just go find a bar and go on a bender. You’re gonna want to watch this one sauced. Also, "Empty Nest Game O' The Week".
* at Redskins (+2 ½) 24, raiders 20. Picking with the heart, not with the head. (Pause). What? (Pause). Well of course I mean the head on top of my neck! I try not to think with the other one, Ms. Non-Existent Editor Dudette! Thinking with that one rarely ends well for Stevo!
* Cowboys (-2 ½) 20, at “Super” Cardinals 19. Do you trust this “Super” Cardinals team? Do you trust this Cowboys team? I trust neither. I just doubt Dallas slightly less than I doubt Arizona.
The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:
I’m giving him a temporary pass. Because it will post as a separate, uuh, post, by early next week. (It’s so long this week, it demands it’s own post.)
But I can assure you, when I dive into what Ol’ Klassy thinks about the state Nebraska football is currently in -- and more specifically, who he blames for it -- the gloves come off, big time.
The Tailgating Plans:
There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is a road game I will not be attending.
The Watching Party Plans:
We will be on The Deck. Plenty of food, beer, and other assorted beverages of an adult nature for your enjoyment.
As always, anyone and everyone is welcome. Feel free to join us.
The 2 Legit 2 Colquitt Idiotic Hunches:
For the year, I’m 4-8-0 SU. I’m done picking ATS; the line changes too damned much between posting and noon CT Sunday to be accurate.
* Salty Bananas (“bts”) over team tito (me). Considering I’m already trailing 32.9-0, this makes sense. Also, go figure, team tito struggling to win a battle with the ConDome. Stunning. (Come on people, it’s Stevo Rule (I believe) 8: if you can’t laugh at yourself, brace for everyone else laughing at you.)
* Focus and Finish (Chane) over Banana Hammocks (Will). Considering Chane already leads by 30, this seems like a smart wager.
* Angry Beavers (“The Voice of Reason”) over Mike Ditka in your mouth (Vince). Should be the best matchup of the week. Also, in case you missed it, I beat Vince 77.9-77.8 last week. How you like them apples! Again, nobody -- and I mean nobody! -- circles the (paddy) wagons like team tito when the lights are flashing!
* JYD’s Huskerbugeaters (Ross) over B*tch Kitties (Cooksey). If anyone in this league can recover from 0-3, it would be our only five time champion. I’m predicting he won’t need to. (Ross is the only current winless squad in 2L2C.)
* Jasson’s Occiffers (Jasson) over Patrick is Mahomes (“Reputable National Sports Columnist”). Our closest line on the board (Jasson is favored by less than 2). Other than that, I got nothing.
* GO BIG RED (Gordon / Garrett) over Orinoco Flow N My Pantalones (Potter). So I gave … hang on. This is getting so ridiculous, it deserves its’ own section.
The “Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” Update O’ The Week:
I gave said disreputable truck two more tries this week, because again, they have to crap out at least twenty more times in a row before I’ll consider a return to Don Chilitos.
We’re down to eighteen. But with a catch.
Because while they yet again botched both orders (chicken quesadilla instead of steak; soft tacos instead of hard), they did throw in this incredible sriracha sauce concoction with the tacos on Wednesday that might be the greatest thing since plastic pints of whiskey (which don’t get detected by the, uuh, metal detectors at Terrorhead).
I mean, this thing had my tongue on fire within two seconds of reaching my mouth. It was phenomenal. And I say this as someone whose contributing to tailgating each week (besides Mixology) is some kind of jalapeno dish. (I’m leaning towards trying the jalapeno meatballs for next Monday night … if I can get some time Sunday to make them.) I’ve only met one hot sauce in my life I didn’t like, and that’s the fire sauce on the wings at Grinders.
So the sauce saved the second botched order. (The taste on the quesadilla saved the first. Even if it was chicken instead of steak.)
Still at least eighteen more trips of failure from “Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” before I’ll give Don Chilitos another try.
(Note to self: snap a picture of this “disreputable food truck” this week. It’s the shadiest looking food truck you’ll ever see … and yet, despite the fact they have botched every single order I’ve placed, I have thoroughly enjoyed everything I’ve had there. It’s like the bizarro Don Chilitos -- Ol’ Don can get everything right, and I’ll still be sh*tting so much for the next three days my ass will hurt.)
The Jets Best Guess:
Sadly, pathetically, this is the stretch where the Jets can somehow, someway, temporarily save the season. Versus Dolphins / versus Jaguars / at Browns.
And I think this is a good thing. Because as much as I want Mason Rudolph under center next September for Gang Green … do you really use number one or two on Mr. Rudolph? I would … but then again, I’m the dude who thought Brodie Croyle was our franchise’s salvation. (Whoops).
Win a couple of these three, and you move back into the 7-8-9 range (the Jets still have the “Super” Chargers and Bills coming to town; they’re good for at least one of those as well) in the draft.
Here’s to the first.
* at Jets (+3 ½) 16, Dolphins 10.
The Chiefs Prognostication:
Tuesday, August 24, 2004, is a day I will never forget. It is the day I attended my favorite concert I have ever, uuh, attended -- Projekt Revolution, at whatever the hell they call Sandstone Ampitheater nowadays, headlined by Korn, Snoop Dogg, and Linkin Park.
Flash forward thirteen years later, to Thursday, August 24, 2017. It too was a memorable day for me. For starters, I was extended an offer (pending passing a drug and background test) to work where I currently do. (I started two weeks later, on September 6th.) But that evening, I did something 20 something year old me thirteen years ago, would have found impossible to do: I went to a play.
Not just a play -- a musical.
Not just a musical -- Motown, The Musical.
And I didn’t just go with anyone -- I went with my mom.
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The musical was phenomenal. The first half looked at the rise of Motown, as the first truly viable African American franchise to enjoy unquestioned success in this nation’s history. It looked at the chances Berry Gordy took to make his dream, his vision, occur. He took a chance on a blind kid (Stevie Wonder) who couldn’t write a song to save his ass initially. He took a chance on a trio of high school seniors who wound up becoming arguably the greatest trio in pop music history (The Supremes). He stuck by Marvin Gaye even as Mr. Gaye descended into the madness of his demons and addictions. The Four Tops, The Temptations -- I mean, the music was just phenomenal.
(Note: I'm avoiding the obvious analogies to the late 1960s to today. I'm trying to keep the picks as politics free as possible. But yeah, the similarities between 1967 and 2017 when it comes to half the country's views of those different than them, is truly frightening.)
And in the 1970s, as the music and styles of the 1960s gave way to something different, Mr. Gordy evolved with the times, giving you the Jackson Five, The Commodores, spinning Diana Ross into arguably the most successful female recording artist of all time.
And yet, despite twenty years of unquestioned success, despite twenty years of trying everything and anything to reach (and stay) at the top of the industry, when you get to the penultimate act of the musical, as Ms. Ross sells out for more money and leaves Motown and Mr. Gordy behind to open the 1980s, you’re left with Mr. Gordy, the night that Motown 25 is supposed to record -- a tribute to his legacy, to his genius -- you’re left with Mr. Gordy alone in his living room, so angry and disgusted at what he views as his constant failures, at what he views as others’ betrayals, that he is refusing to attend the tribute.
It is this scene -- again, the penultimate one -- that is the only one I questioned the musical choice for. The producers went with a great song, “Can I Close The Door (On Love)”, that does at least credibly explain Mr. Gordy’s mindset in the moment.
But I thought “The Theme from Mahogany” would have been better.
Because really, Chiefs fans, if we are anywhere at this point, in our fandom, our loyalty, our belief in this franchise?
We have to be right where Mr. Gordy was, in that scene -- refusing to enjoy the successes of the past, because they weren’t as complete as we’d hoped. Refusing to let go of our focus on the promising future, because things always can get better (and as the resident Patrick Mahomes “Of The Chiefs” apologist and fan, they will get better).
But what if the present, is just as good -- if not better -- than either the past was, or the future will be?
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I noted at the end of last season that the 2016 Chiefs had replaced the 1995 Chiefs as my favorite squad of all time.
Get ready gang, because the 2017 Chiefs look even better.
Name a Chiefs team post 1997, that could have gone into the defending Super Bowl champs house, on Opening Night, and demolished them. Put your hand down, Richard A. Vermeil -- you never had the defense to do, what the 2017 Chiefs did two weeks ago.
Name a Chiefs team post 1999, that sees a potential game-altering kick missed by a very reliable kicker from inside of thirty yards, as time expires? (Of all people, Adam Vinatieri missed a 24 yarder at the gun in Week Five 1999, to give the Chiefs the win.)
Name a Chiefs team post 2005, where every time the quarterback drops back to throw, a touchdown is legitimately possible? Sh*t, name a Chiefs team post 2005 that believed in the deep throw as a credible offensive weapon?
Name the last time a Chiefs running back excited you this early with his ridiculous potential? Put your hand down Larry Johnson -- you wore the diapers for two years before getting your chance. Kareem Hunt is doing this literally with no preparation for it. “Here you go kid; sink or swim!”
Name the last time a Chiefs offensive line wasn’t a liability? These guys can block! They’re not awful anymore!
Name just one corner the Chiefs have employed post 1995 with the talent Marcus Peters has, one linebacker post 1999 with the talent Justin Houston has, one defensive lineman post 1996 with the skill and ball sense that Chris Jones does.
And name just one game-breaking talent post 2003 Dante Hall the Chiefs have employed, that can single handedly win you a game simply on sheer will, simply on wanting it more than the eleven dudes gunning for the tackle.
And name the last time, post 1997, that you actually had full faith and confidence in not just the head coach … but also the offensive coordinator, the defensive coordinator, and the special teams coordinator, that roam the Chiefs sideline and/or press box?
Simply put, this is the best constructed, most talented, best coached, best prepared Chiefs team of the last twenty years.
Which is why this game somewhat terrifies me.
Because every Chiefs team of the last twenty years?
Loses this game.
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I suppose I’ll close with this. The past is the past. There’s nothing that can be done to change it. And the future is the future -- there are things that can be done to alter it, but all you can do is predict it.
But the present? The present is real. It is real, and it is spectacular. And it also is defined by what you do. You control the present. History controls the past, events control the future, but you own the f*cking present.
For the first time since 1997, I can credibly and legitimately claim that my team, the Red and Gold, the Chiefs, are the best team in the NFL. They’ve beaten all four -- and this is incredible -- in the last eighteen games they’ve played, they’ve beaten all four of the last four Super Bowl teams ON THE ROAD. They won at Carolina. They won at Atlanta. They destroyed New England. And they doinked their way to victory inside the eighth layer of hell itself against those people.
This is a team that hasn’t lost a divisional game in over two full years -- eleven straight. Home, road, “Screw You Pete King”’s proverbial neutral field in Wichita, the Chiefs simply beat divisional opponents.
I get that it can be scary to get on board the bandwagon. But if you need motivation, consider this: the NFL itself so believes in this team? That they don’t play a noon game until November 19th. Let that sink in -- the next SEVEN games this team plays, are all in the national TV window. Three in the late national game on CBS, four in prime time across three networks.
I mean, if the league office believes ... what's your excuse?
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I know where this team is going to.
And I know what I’m hoping for.
Sunday, is the latest step in the march to achieve something never done before in my lifetime, something I truly and honestly believe is going to happen at approximately 5:38pm CT on Sunday, January 22nd, when the Truman Sports Complex will have to be renamed Lake Arrowhead from the accumulation of all the tears of joy in the parking lot.
Four simple words, that have defined every single thing I want for this franchise since the moment I began to give a sh*t about it.
Bring. Lamar's. Trophy. Home.
I think the Chiefs beat the living crap out of the “Super” Chargers on Sunday. I really believe this team is going to be special. And I don’t mean “special”, I mean special.
This team is not going to let its hopes and dreams slip through its’ hands. It’s going to see how easy the answers to the questions can be.
And nobody will doubt it, come 7pm CT Sunday.
* Chiefs (-3) 41, at “Super” Chargers 13.
