"Let's turn it up loud! Mix it up strong!
Lean it back slow, get your feel good on!
Cut 'em off short! Roll it up tight!
Let it unwind tonight ...
Drop down the top on the Pontiac!
Wherever you wind up? Is where the party's at!
Break out the bottle of Bacardi black,
And don't look back!
'Cause here's to the good times!
Here's to the sunshine!
Here's to the ice you float your beer in --
To the tops you pop, and the tan lines disappearing!
And oh my my,
She's a little bit tipsy!
Leans in for a kiss --
She's stealing your heart just like a gypsy!
And there you are, just a drunken star,
Just falling in her eyes.
Here's to the good times!
While there's still time ..."
--------------------
It's been a couple months.
Our accounting system at work is down today, and probably tomorrow. (Update: down until Monday). So I have hours to kill, and need something
to do. (Pause). Do I?
(Pause). Mr. Vice President? Would you care to say something?
(vice president biden voice) Folks! He's talking about a bag of mail! A three letter word -- mail!
(good ol' jr voice) Good God, Mr. Vice President! That's ... that's the Fake Mailbag's
music!!!!!
As always, these may or may not be legitimate queries from readers
who may or may not exist anywhere other than in the deepest, darkest corner of
my brain. (OK, that's a lie -- every
person who may or may not have asked the questions about to appear below, is a
real person. And most of them, I would
consider to be a friend, an acquaintance, a co-worker, a drinking buddy, a
tailgating buddy, or an all around decent person. Emphasis on "most". There is a Buddy Bell query in here, after
all.)
Topics covered today include: "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman's
diatribe against the KC Star this week (and why I call him "Klassy");
the loony bin that is MSNBC; an epic "Tale of the Tape" that takes on
a debate that needs to be had; the latest Big Brother 15 Power Poll; a call for
more people to name their kids "Ralph"; my sneaky-good "wait,
this matchup might have huge ramifications!" game for week one; my favorite (and least favorite) team names ... and my
thoughts on what one denver broncos fan said their logo looks like to him. (Trust me -- it's phenomenal. I am beside myself with disgust and contempt
for me, that I didn't make the analogy first.)
Enjoy?
* "Please tell me you saw Greg Hall's epic takedown of Kevin Keitzman's meltdown in Tuesday's monologue?
This was epic!" -- Jasson W, Shawnee.
In the words of the late, great Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA
... and the D can stand for "Democrat" or "Drunk"),
"you can bet your ass" I read it ... and listened to it. This, peoples and peepettes, is why Al Gore
invented the internet -- so that people like Klassy Kevin Keitzman can be
broadcast around the globe ... and people like Greg Hall can have their
reaction to what was truly an inspirational thirty minutes of dialogue, read
around the globe.
In case you missed it, here's the link to the audio. (Mr. Hall's column is linked in the
question.) The high level details:
Klassy Kevin had the Miguel Tejada suspension scoop first, and ran with it --
as a rumor -- late last week. Then,
according to the Klassy one, while he was "playing golf for three straight
days with the legendary Jim Colbert", he claims that his phone blew up
when the suspension hit the fan. Which
is all well and good -- Klassy Kevin broke the story, and deserves credit for
it. Should have been the end of it.
Except instead, Klassy Kev' took to Twitter to trash Royals beat
writer Bob Dutton, and somehow drew Sam Mellinger into the fight as well, for
"sitting on the story". Both
Mr. Dutton and Mr. Mellinger responded as you'd expect: with a witty putdown of
Klassy KK's "journalism skills".
And cue the feud in five ... four ... three ...
* "I have a question kind of related to Jasson's, but not
really. Why do you always refer to Mr.
Keitzman as "Klassy"?" -- Ashley G, Bonner Springs.
For three reasons:
(1) because both his first and last names begin with the letter K,
it seems kind of stupid to spell classy with a C. Classy Kevin Keitzman. It just doesn't look right. But Klassy Kevin Keitzman? That's a winner.
(2) because if you just use the three K's, you get KKK. And anytime you can crack a joke about the
Klan ... well, you probably shouldn't do it, but I've never been noted for my
class, taste, and decorum. But mostly
(3) because Klassy Kevin is the biggest hypocrite, fraud, and
phony working in the Kansas City media market.
He will bore you to tears with stories about how involved he is in his
kid's lives as a father (note: I don't doubt this to be true, and kudos to
Klassy Kev for that), and will refer constantly to conversations he and his
wife have. What he won't mention is the
"conversation" with his wife that most of the sports radio fanbase in
this town knows him for, involving a parked car on a Mission Hills street, a
WHB intern, and a Prairie Village police officer noting "you can pull your
pants up now, Mr. Keitzman".
Also, I had the distinct honor and privilege of playing blackjack
next to the man once. Depending on who
you believe, either (KKK's story) he passed out after being in the heat at a
KSU / Cal game eight hours earlier, or (common sense story) he passed out, slid
out of his chair, and hit the floor after consuming about three too many
cervezas.
Far be it from me to judge someone for drinking too much -- I
mean, I have slept for a few hours in my folks front yard before after a night
of imbibing. But I don't go on the air
and portray myself to be a bastion of morality and family values.
* "I trust you saw who got his weekday news show back? MSNBC listened to you!" -- Brooke B, the
District.
Oh hell yes I saw it! Hang
on, let me do this right. ("the
rock" voice) Finally, Ed Schultz has come back, to MSNBC prime time
programming!!!!!
I was furious when The Ed Show got dumped to Saturday afternoons
for the utter idiocy that is Chris Hayes.
I irrationally love Ed Schultz, if only because (like me) he is willing
to fight for organized labor wherever non-union folks seek to roll back the
hard-gained advances labor has won.
There's far, far too few people in this country anymore, who understand
the need for union labor.
* "Wait, aren't you a Republican? Don't you despise Obama? What the hell are you doing spending your
evenings watching that lunatic fringe news network?" -- Cam C, Olathe.
First, I am not a Republican; I am a Clinton / Reagan
Democrat. I am a social liberal on every
issue save one (abortion), and even that issue, despite my belief that all
abortion is murder, regardless of when it occurs, I wouldn't overturn Roe v
Wade. I am a fiscal conservative, save
for one program (Social Security). And I
guess I'm right down the middle on foreign policy. Republican?
No. But I feel less like a
Democrat each passing day.
Second, I guess you could say I despise Mr. Obama; but I strongly
dislike him because he's utterly incompetent.
It has nothing to do with what he stands for, or who he is, and in many
regards, I have tremendous admiration for the man. Like him or hate him, he has restored a level
of dignity and grace to the Oval Office that hasn't been there since January
20, 1993.
And as for the real question asked ... uum, have you ever watched
MSNBC? It's hysterical. It is laugh out loud hysterical. You lead off with Ed at 4pm CT, and when Ed
decides you aren't pro-union, it devolves quickly in a tasteless shouting
match. Then, at 5, it's Reverend Al for
an hour. Let that sink in -- a man who
rose to prominence by (pick one) race-bating / making monthly appearances on
"The Jerry Springer Show" / destroying the Queens DA office over
bogus rape charges leveled by the mother of all liars, Tawana Brawley / by
asking Mr. Bush "where my 40 acre and my mule?" at the 2004 DNC. (Note: if you've never seen Reverend Al's
speech in Boston at that convention, you have to search Youtube! to find
it. It is amongst the fifteen funniest minutes
you will ever see at a political convention.
In fact, I'd argue the single worst thing about Mr. Obama being the
party's nominee the last two elections, is that it took Reverend Al and
Reverend Jackson off the speaking rotation.)
This fine, upstanding man of the cloth cannot say more than six
words before devolving into ebonics and senseless jibberish. It's comedic gold.
And it's not even close to the main event, a show I'd argue is the
second funniest comedy on television today (behind "Parks and Rec"),
"Hardball" with Chris Matthews.
Chris ... how to put this delicately ... Chris is like the crazy drunk
uncle you loved as a kid, because he'd always do something to bring the room
down with laughter, but now, that crazy drunk uncle has killed too many brain
cells with the whiskey, and he just shouts out things for no reason other than
it's what's on his mind. There's no
filter, if you will. I mean, anytime
your lead anchor watches a candidate talk, and shouts out "I felt this thrill going up my leg" as his reaction to it, you have to tune in.
Tune away for an hour after Mr. Matthews, because Chris Hayes is
unwatchable*. But come back for the one
credible journalist on the network (Rachel Maddow) at 8, and "The West
Wing" lead writer Lawrence O'Donnell** at 9, and ... you know what? NBC should just decide "screw it"
to programming, and just like four years ago, when they gave the 9pm hour every
night to Jay Leno? They should just air
MSNBC news programs, save for the 7pm hour, when they could air a couple
episodes of "Parks and Rec". I
guarantee you that lineup would at least beat Univision in the Nielsens,
something NBC hasn't done in at least three years.
(*: why they didn't embrace what's inevitable, and put the awesome
Ezra Klein on at 7, instead of the utterly unwatchable Chris Hayes, I have no
idea. Ezra could take down O'Reilly.)
(**: random trivia time! In
addition to being the main script writer -- especially once Aaron Sorkin left,
Mr. O'Donnell played a character on the show as well. He only appeared once, in what many (though
not me) argue was "The West Wing"'s best episode ever. Name that character (ideally without looking
it up). Answer coming up later. Assuming I remembered I asked the question.)
* "We getting the epic NFL picks post soon?" -- John D,
One Arrowhead Drive.
Yes. I created the Excel
sheet earlier today.
* "We going to be any good?" -- "Fat" Andy R,
One Arrowhead Drive.
I believe the operative phrase, "there's nowhere to go but
up", applies to this season.
* "I wouldn't bet on that." -- Buddy B, formerly of One
Kauffman Way.
No Coach Baffoon, No Cassel, No Quinn, No (insert gigantic string
of obscenities here) Eric Winston, No Stanford Routt. There's nowhere to go but up. Hell, this team might double it's 2012 win
total after the conclusion of play in Week Five, and it's not ridiculous to
think they could triple the 2012 win total by the time we head to our personal
house of horrors, that decrepit stadium affectionately known as "The
Ralph". That wouldn't suck.
Speaking of ...
* "Do you ever wonder why certain names never seem to get
used anymore? Seems like everyone is
naming their kids something more trendy and cool, or even acceptable and
bland. Where are all the great names
from the past?" -- Heath C, Harrisonville.
See, now these are the kind of questions and topics I obsess
over. That is a great inquiry. For the record, the name that I wish would
make a comeback is Ralph. It just sounds
neat. "Ralph". Maybe it's because when I hear the name
"Ralph", I think of Ralph Wiggum, but when I hear "Ralph",
I think fat, old dude smoking a unfiltered Vantage while pounding a case of
Hamm's in some run down bar near the trailer park development in Turner. And it's not just a hole in the wall bar with
a not-quite neon sign erected in 1968 outside -- it calls itself a
"lounge". Oh, yeah -- and
Ralph is hitting big time on the 305 pound cocktail waitress, who is puffing on a
Viceroy while double fisting a couple Lowenbrau's.
(Tell me that isn't what you think of, when you hear the name
"Ralph". (Pause). What?
(Pause). No -- I cannot be the only
person who thinks that's what a Ralph looks like! (Pause).
OK, I'll give you that -- instead of Ralph being in the sleazy bar by
the trailer park development in Turner, he might be living his dream in a bar
that may or may not be a mob front, off of 14th and Minnesota Avenue. I'll concede that.
But -- but! -- Ralph is definitely in a "lounge".)
"How's this for frightening: you can make a legitimate,
sincere, genuine argument that the best owner in the AFC West -- and it isn't
even a close competition -- is the one man who voted to KEEP Scott Pioli last
December: Clark Hunt." -- Joe T, Lee's Summit.
This was an actual question, addressed to me at work today. And my answer is: holy crap, he's right! Dean Spanos is a clueless dolt who doesn't
care about winning, only fleecing the good residents of either San Diego or Los
Angeles into building him a new stadium that will probably never host a playoff
game before it's replaced twenty years from now. Mark Davis ... al's son. Enough said.
And the man "The Voice of Reason" once (appropriately)
addressed to his face as a "classless jackass", patrick j. bowlen? Sadly is not there anymore mentally. Let that sink in Chiefs fans -- we have the
division's most lucid, coherent, cognitive, bright, intelligent, reasonable
owner.
And he voted to KEEP Scott Pioli as general manager eight months
ago.
My head hurts. Let's move
on -- if only because I can't drink on the job.
* "Do you realize we're only two weeks away from the season
debut of Jamboroo! Come on! You've gotta be geeked! I know how much you love Drew Magary's
work!" -- Anthony V, Overland Park.
Oh yeah! I cannot wait for
the return of Rolf the National Socialist Shark, the Watchability Ratings, the
"Sunday Viewing For (Insert Worst NFL Team Here)" link, the classic
"Simpsons" quote to close the column out, and of course, THE best
part of the column, the Robert Evans MVP Watch!
But until then, Mr. Magary is doing his "Why Your Team
Sucks" annual profile again, for why your favorite team, is the NFL's
worst. Yesterday? Was the profile I've been waiting for. "Why Your Team Sucks: denver broncos".
Here, uncensored, are some of my favorite fan comments for why the
denver broncos are the worst team in the NFL:
5. "In the mid-90s, my grandma was a coat check lady at a big
hotel in downtown denver. john elway was
there one night. When she returned his
coat, he put $20 in her tip jar, and then fished out $18 in ones."
4. "Our winningest playoff QB since john "handjob"
elway? Tim motherf*cking
Tebow." (Note: technically this is
true ... but jake "the fake" plummer also has one playoff win as a broncos
quarterback, over (of all teams) the two-time defending champion New England
Patriots in 2005.)
3. "We traded three draft picks to draft Tim Tebow!"
2. "The broncos are now without their two best defenders
since (von) miller (is) suspended, and since they lost elvis dumervil because
no one in the front office is sober enough to know how to work a f*cking fax
machine."
And your winner:
1. "Our logo looks like a heaving penis."
(Admit it -- you're pulling up that dirty donkey right now ... and
yup, "Tim" is right. The
denver broncos logo is a horribly misshaped penis, in desperate need of some
man-scaping, that is not capable of properly ejaculating.)
"Our logo looks like a heaving penis." Considering that franchise is run by the
biggest dick walking the planet, I really wish I'd thought of this first. (Pause).
What? (Pause). Ooh, good point, Mr. Non-Existant Stevo's
Site Numero Dos editor. Come December
1st (hee hee, he said "come"), is it "Pin the Tail on the
Bronkey" ... or "Pin the Tail on the Heaving Penis”? That’s a good, good question, Mr.
Non-Existant Stevo’s Site Numero Dos editor.
A damned good question.
Hey, speaking of …
* “Bad week for the adult entertainment industry.” – Dusty J, KCK.
No fooling dude. A production shutdown due to a positive HIV test, Playboy again rejecting the Tanning Mom’s (ninth? tenth?) desire to pose for a centerfold, “The Canyons” a flop of historic proportions, and of course, a district court judge upholding Measure B, a prop
passed last November that requires the male talent to wear a condom for every
scene that is shot in California. To say
nothing of Anthony Weiner’s sex-subject doing a 180 and shooting a quick skin
flick for Vivid. (Pause). What?
(Pause). Oh, please! Of course!
Send his query through! Yes, Mr.
Reason?
* “Steve Hirsch. Hugh
Hefner. It’s time.” – Gregg G, Bonner
Springs.
You know what? It is. Cue the Nick Bakay voice – it’s time for this
edition of the fake mailbag’s “Tale of the Tape”!!!!!
Here we go. Seven
individual categories pitting two porn magnates, to see who is truly the King
of Simi Sleazy Valley. Let’s do this!
1. Major contribution made to adult entertainment:
Hirsch: taking “celebrities” in their fourteenth minute of fame,
and making a boatload of cash off that fifteenth minute. Exploitation of the naïve, if you will.
Hefner: founded (arguably) the magazine that revolutionized the
nation’s attitude towards sexuality.
Exploitation of the young, drunk, and horny, if you will.
Advantage: push. We are all
winners here.
2. Low-rated, yet shockingly watchable, network television show
based on their life’s work:
Hirsch: FOX’s “Skin” (2003), in which the late, great Ron Silver
played a character based on Steve Hirsch.
Known for the famous line “His father is the DISTRICT ATTORNEY!”, and
for introducing the nation to a then-unknown actress named Olivia Wilde (who
played Silver’s daughter).
Hefner: NBC’s “The Playboy Club” (2011), in which the real-life
sleazy Eddie Cibrian played a character loosely based on a young Hugh
Hefner. Known for horrific writing, no
discernible plot, and no female characters even approaching the hotness that
still is Olivia Wilde. Also, the line
“His father is the DISTRICT ATTORNEY!” was never used.
Advantage: Hirsch. Believe
it or not, I liked “Skin”. A lot. If FOX had paired it with its breakout hit
from 2003 (“The OC”), they could have milked more than 8 episodes out of the
run.
3. Sleazy fellow porn king that begs a comparison be drawn to:
Hirsch: Joe Francis, of “Girls Gone Wild” fame.
Hefner: no one. He’s the
great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner.
Advantage: Hefner. I’ve
said it before, and I’ll say it again: this “Tale of the Tape” could be
something … REALLY special.
4. Breakout Blond Bombshell Who Owes Her Legendary Career To:
Hirsch: Jenna Jameson.
Although if anything, the inverse is probably true – Mr. Hirsch would
probably be more useless than Chi Chi LaRue at this point, were it not for Ms.
Jameson.
Hefner: Pam Anderson. With
an assist from Tim Allen.
Advantage: push. Again, we
are all winners here.
5. Owns a House Known the World Over:
Hirsch: nope.
Hefner: yup.
Advantage: Hefner.
6. Reality TV Star Who Went Full-On “Bow Chicka Bow Wow, Chicka
Bow Wow!” In a Skin Flick or Show Produced by Their Company:
Hirsch: Farrah Abraham, from “Teen Mom” on MTV, starring in “Back
Door Teen Mom”, a gigantic hit in the adult entertainment business earlier this
year.
Hefner: Ozzy Lusth, who “Survivor” fans will know well, starred in
a memorable episode of “Foursome”*, a show on Playboy TV that puts four “random
strangers” into a house (usually two girls, two guys) over a 48 hour period,
and lets nature take its course.
Advantage: Hirsch. I really
could have done without seeing Ozzy’s junk on multiple occasions, thank you
very much.
So here we are. Hirsch 2,
Hefner 2, Push 2. Since Push is never an
option for the Deciding Question, we will have a winner.
7. Have I Ever Subscribed, On a Monthly Basis, to this Gentleman’s
Television Network?
Hirsch: nope.
Hefner: hell yes.
Advantage – And Winner: by a 3-2-2 margin, the greatness that is
Mr. Hugh M. Hefner!!!! Thanks for
playing everyone. Now back to the (not
necessarily legitimate) mail.
(*: other than (a) the Jesse Jane-hosted era of "Naughty
Amateur Home Videos", the original "Night Calls" starring the
legendary Juli Ashton and the stunning Tiffany Granath, and any segment of
"Sexcetera" hosted by (a) Hoyt and Frank (the two greatest reporters
in television history) or (b) Scott Potasnik, "Foursome" is Playboy
TV's only watchable show. (Pause). What?
(Pause). Oh, good point -- or any
segment of "Sexcetera hosted by (c) Ralph Garmin. See -- Ralph!
I'm telling you, that name SO needs to make a comeback!)
* “So … can we get a sneak peak at what you’re thinking for the
NFL picks post? Who you think is a
playoff lock going in, who your sleeper team(s) are … you know, for the
degenerate gamblers who read you, so that they won’t bet as you do your loyal
readers?” – Damien J, Midtown.
Sure, what the hell. I’ll
give you one preview hint.
There is exactly one – and only one – week one game, that I think
could swing a team’s entire season. Win
that week one matchup? A 7-0 start is
seriously in play. Lose that week one
matchup? The season might spiral to top
five pick territory.
Or to put it another way – I’d argue there hasn’t been a swing
game like this to open a season, since September 13, 2010. A (I'd argue) grousely underrated team,
playing at home, in prime time, facing a legitimate bona-fide Super Bowl
contender that is poorly coached, routinely makes idiotic gaffes at the worst
possible moments, and leaves its’ fans constantly thinking “well, he did win
the division the last couple years, but … really? THIS coach, THIS quarterback, can get us over
the hump?”
How I finally pick that outcome … is gonna likely determine at
least one AFC division champion (and potentially two), as well as potentially at
least one AFC Wild Card spot.
That game? Houston at San
Diego, the second Monday nighter. Stay
up late kids. They give you this thing
called “PTO” for a reason.
* “No “Big Brother Power Poll” this week? What the hell?” – Mary F, North KC.
Well, I had to wait until last night's HoH competition was over,
since "Revive a Hamster" occurred.
Now that we know the rodent resurrected from the dead, plus our new (and
I'd argue, shocking) HoH ... you ask, you receive.
Big Brother 15 Power Poll 6.0!
This week's theme: memorable NFL coach and player quotes. Enjoy.
16. David (16, 16, 16, 16, 1).
"This is the NFL, which stands for "Not For Long" when
you make horsesh*t calls like that!" -- former Oilers and Falcons coach
Jerry Glanville.
15. Nick (15, 15, 15, 15, 8).
"We can't run. We can't
pass. We can't stop the run. We can't stop the pass. We can't kick. Other than that, we're just not a very good
football team right now." -- former Jets and Bengals coach Bruce Coslet.
14. Jeremy (14, 14, 14, 14, 5).
"The shoulder surgery was a success. The lobotomy failed." -- former Bears
and Saints coach Mike Ditka, on quarterback Jim McMahon.
13. Kaitlin (13, 13, 13, 10, 13).
"If you aren't fired (up) with enthusiasm, you will be fired with
enthusiasm." -- former Packers and Redskins coach Vince Lombardi.
12. Howard (12, 9, 12, 13, 7).
"Well, I didn't fire him, and he didn't quit, so I guess he'll be
back (next season)." -- Lions owner William Clay Ford Sr., on head coach
Wayne "Rasputin" Fontes. (In
the interest of full disclosure, Wayne Fontes is one of my three favorite
coaches of all time.)
11. Candice (11, 4, 7, 7, 6).
"The road to easy street goes through the sewer." -- former
raiders coach john madden.
10. Helen (4, 3, 1, 3, 15).
"Well, what happened was, that second game, we got our asses
kicked. In the second half, we just
totally got our asses kicked. We
couldn't do diddley poo offensively, we couldn't make a first down, we couldn't
run the ball, we didn't try to run the ball, we couldn't complete a pass -- we
sucked. The second half, we sucked. Every time they got the ball, they went down
and got points. We got our asses totally
kicked in the second half, that's what it boiled down to. It was a horsesh*t performance in the second
half. Horsesh*t. I'm totally embarrassed and totally
ashamed. Coaching did a horrible
job. The players did a horrible job. We got our asses kicked in that second
half. It sucked. It stunk." -- former Saints and Colts
coach Jim Mora Sr.
9. Amanda (7, 6, 11, 12, 3).
"It's a good idea. I'm in
favor of it." -- former Bucs coach John McKay, on his team's execution.
8. McCrae (6, 7, 8, 8, 14).
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- former Redskins quarterback Joe Theismann.
7. Jessie (9, 12, 10, 6, 4).
"The most profitable type of writing? Ransom notes." -- former Lions star (and
star of TV's "Webster") Alex Karras.
6. Elissa (5, 10, 6, 9, 16; current HoH).
"If you're mad at your kid, you can either raise him to be a nose
tackle, or send him out to play on the freeway.
It's about the same." -- former raiders star (and star of TV's
"Saved By The Bell: The College Years") bob golic.
5. Spencer (8, 11, 9, 11, 12).
"We're not attempting to circumcise rules." -- former Steelers
coach Bill Cowher.
4. Judd (10, 5, 2, 1, 10; "Revive a Hamster" 2013 Winner).
"Hello! You play to win the
game! You play! To win!
The game!" -- former Jets and Chiefs coach Herm Edwards. (In the interest of full disclosure, Herm
Edwards is one of my three favorite coaches of all time.)
3. GinaMarie (2, 8, 5, 5, 11).
"Men? I want you to think of
one word all season. One word, and one
word only: Super Bowl." -- former Oilers head coach Bill Peterson.
2. Andy (3, 2, 3, 4, 9).
"I don't know what he has. A
pulled groin. A hip flexor. I don't know.
A pulled something. I never
pulled anything. You can't pull
fat." -- former Jets and Bengals coach Bruce Coslet.
1. Aaryn (1, 1, 4, 2, 2).
"The offense serviced itself, the defense serviced itself." --
former Eagles, Rams, and Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil.
* “How epically awesome is it, that Aaryn has won HoH four times …
and all four times, a minority will be evicted?
Aryan Nation, Represent!!!” – Stevo, South KC.
OK, fine – I asked myself that question. But honestly?
I’m starting to root for this girl.
Sure, she’s a horrific racist who has a rude awakening awaiting for her
when she leaves the house. But I kinda
wanna see her leave with the $500k at this point. She’s tied for most HoH wins in the history
of the show (at 4) … and we’re only halfway through the season. Her racist rants have been so dramatic, that
CBS has now placed a ten second disclaimer before every episode regarding her
actions and antics.
* “Rough week, huh?” – Stevo’s mom, Lenexa.
Well, let’s see.
Tuesday was the nine year anniversary of one of my best friends
growing up (pick one) driving head on into a retaining wall at 90mph in the
rain while slightly intoxicated / killed himself. Tuesday was also the day four more co-workers
of mine were poop-canned, for no obvious reason in most cases, and the casualty
list included my favorite person in my department. Our accounting system is down until at least
Monday, so I can’t get anything done.
The Royals are fading fast, the Chiefs are an offensive disaster so far
(never good when you’re in a division with peyton manning and Phyllis Rivers),
the back of my iPhone shattered when it was inadvertently dropped on the deck,
which has screwed that thing up royally, my laptop has crashed, I don’t have a
working motor vehicle, my first bus was twelve – TWELVE! – minutes delayed this
morning on its’ first trip of the day, and so I
had to shell out $35 for a cab to get to work – and share a cab with the crazy
b*tch who works at the Salvation Army (and go figure, she stiffed me on a
reimbursement of her half of the fare).
And then, of all people – of all people! – THIS popped into my
inbox yesterday:
--------------------
From: “The Voice of Reason”
To: Stevo
Re: dc
So, and I am terrified to ask … when are we going to do Don Chilito’s* for lunch?
--------------------
I’d forgotten that, as a (fidelity ad voice) “why not?” moment of
hilarity and punishment, I would do a Stevo’s Site Numero Dos … hang on, let me
check this … wow – I agreed to do Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ first ever
restaurant review, and review the single worst restaurant in Johnson County, if
not the entire five county metro, if not the entire quad state area, if not the
entire nation west of the Mississippi.
(For the record, the single worst restaurant I’ve ever been to, was
whatever the dumpy dive is inside Bluffs Run Casino in Council Bluffs. It’s atrocious. I literally had to extend my stay by two
days, I could not stop puking and pooping.
Even Don Chilito’s is out of you within 12-24 hours.)
What a week. What an
atrocious, hellacious, god awful week.
And I didn't even mention the one-year anniversary that really has me
p*ssed off and angry, that just came and went.
What an atrocious, hellacious, beyond god awful week this was.
(*: seriously, click on the link.
There are at least five typos on the site (which, to be fair, I’m one of
the world’s worst offenders at typos … but you don’t come here for the
ambiance). And look at the pictures of
food! Tell me you didn’t immediately
clinch your ass in fear of Montezuma’s Revenge.
Also, three words: “trough.
of. chips.” When I think trough, I think the old urinals
at The K and Arrowhead, that are still alive and well at The Brooksider. I apologize in advance to the nice lady who
cleans the second floor bathrooms at “company I work for” in advance – next
Thursday or Friday, or the following week Tuesday or Wednesday, is going to be
butt ass ugly in said bano. Pun
intended.)
* “How’d the fantasy draft go?” – Jeff S, suburbs of Omaha (last
time I knew).
Shockingly well, I thought.
Although I’m still waiting to hear back from Cooksey regarding date
night at the Browns game.
* “I'm still in utter shock team tito is going to field a
semi-credible roster this season." -- Brent S, somewhere in incorporated
Johnson County.
You're shocked? I can't sell season tickets at the Pink Taco fast enough!
* "Where's Chadwick Pennington?" -- Everyone I Know, Wherever They Live.
I literally spent the last three rounds looking for him, to draft him. The espn.com drafter deal had QBs ranked as low as 1,344th overall ... and no Chadwick Pennington.
The Jets jersey in my closet is beyond p*ssed, at that development.
OK, let's bring this puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken to
the finish line* ...
(*: before I forget: the answer to your trivia question many, many pages ago? Lawrence O’Donnell played President Bartlet’s
father, in the “Two Cathedrals” episode that many – most – fans of the show,
rate as their favorite. Mine is “2162
Votes”, but “Two Cathedrals” is pretty damned solid.)
* "I assume you saw who's going to be on "Survivor"
this fall." -- Drew K, Shawnee.
I need Rupert in my life again, like I need a bullet in my brain.
* "And who's coming back to "Idol". As a mentor!" -- Ashley K, Shawnee.
Yo, yo, yo dawg! For you,
for me ... sweet merciful Jesus, Randy Jackson as a mentor. A mentor!
Randy Jackson, a man who can't get through five words without dropped
the word "yo", "dawg", or "a'right", is going to
be the benchmark that America's next potential pop superstar aspires to
achieve! Oy vey! Dios con mio!
* “You need your own, Stevo-style gimmick, for the next
fake mailbag, that you didn’t rip off from the Sports Guy or Mellinger.” –
Katie H, Raytown.
I agree. Let me
think. (Pause). (Pause).
(Pause). Hmm. (Pause).
I honestly got nothing.
So, I’ll just throw together a top ten list, of some
significance to me, to at least give an answer.
The Ten Remaining Days In the Year, I am Most Looking
Forward To:
10. October 13.
Chiefs. raiders. Arrowhead.
Throw in the expected visit by our friends in South Dakota, and it
should be a fun time.
9. September 26. “Parks
and Rec” returns for its sixth season.
8. Saturday. My
nieces third birthday party; Chiefs vs Coach Hobo and his Steelers; Joyce and
Jerry’s annual pool party. Busy day
tomorrow.
7. October 29. The
Association season – the final for David Stern running my favorite sports
league – tips off.
6. December 25. You
have to love Christmas.
5. (Likely) October 6; (If Not Then) October 13. Start of the bowling league. Always one of my favorite days.
4. September 15.
Chiefs. Cowboys. Arrowhead.
Home opener. And a damned decent
chance the Red and Gold match last year’s season long win total, eight days
into this season.
3. October 19. Katie’s
wedding.
2. December 1.
Chiefs. broncos. Arrowhead.
“The Day I Live For”.
1. December 31.
This hellhole of a year cannot end soon enough.
* "Wait -- you're looking forward to bowling league? I mean, that's nice and all, and I love you for it -- teammates forever! -- but really? You're looking forward to this?" -- Penny H, Liberty.
Hell yes I am! Every day those two self-absorbed, arrogant, elitist, hypocritical asshats have to see me there? Is a victory for me, and a defeat for them.
"Sorry! But that's how I feel!"
"Deal with it!"
* “If you could change any one thing about your life right now, what
would it be, and why?” – Chris N, Quality Hill.
Easy – I’d pack up and move back to the Metroplex. Just leave the bullsh*t of the last year
behind, and never look back. Sadly, it
wasn’t meant to be. Although God knows I
tried this year.
* “I’m guessing there’s no (Insert Ounce Here) Tailgate
this summer … yet again.” – Megan K, City Market.
Yeah, it ain’t happening.
But if someone wants to make a sign for the home opener that says “560,001st
Ounce Tailgate”, I’m not going to stop them.
* “560,001? Come
on!” – Jon T, Toronto.
Fine – 600,001.
* “Keep going.” – Tara W, Shawnee.
(sighing with disgust) Fine – 650,001.
* “Not even close.” – Stevo’s dad, Lenexa.
Oh come on! This is not a Super Colon Blow commercial!
* “Zach Lowe’s awesome columns, ranking NBA franchises by
team name. Uuh, care to take on that
task?” – Brett H, Harrisonville.
Uuh, no. That seems
even more time consuming than coming up with 50 plus fake … excuse me, “real”
inquiries from my “real” readers. (Wait –
that last real didn’t need quotes, my bad.)
But I will give you my favorite, and least favorite, for
the four major North American professional sports leagues, plus my favorite and
least favorite, from my favorite defunct North American sports league.
MLB Favorite: Twins.
Love the casual reference to the Twin Cities, and the TC logo is sweet.
MLB Least Favorite: White Sox. In the interest of full disclosure, my
primary fantasy baseball team every year is named the Black Sox. Much better team name.
NFL Favorite: Seahawks.
Don’t care for the team much, but I love the name.
NFL Least Favorite: broncos. For purely hate-filled, self-centered
reasons.
NHL Favorite: Blackhawks.
Double whammy here – it honors the Native American tribe driven from
Illinois in the 1830s … and the commanding officer who led the drive against
them in the Blackhawk War of 1832 – future President Abraham Lincoln (from
Illinois, of course).
NHL Least Favorite: Stars.
Favorite franchise? Yes. But come on.
They should sell the naming rights to North Stars back to Minnesota, and
rename themselves something that fits more with Texas.
NBA Favorite: 76ers.
The Independence City, the Spirit of 76, it’s just perfect.
NBA Least Favorite: Jazz.
In Utah? Come on. Sell the name back to New Orleans and adopt
the Stars team name from the ABA days.
Or tie into the Mormon history that dominates the state, and become the
Polygamists or the Teetotalers.
ABA Favorite: The Spirits of St. Louis. This might honestly be the coolest team name
in the history of sports. My other six “I
love these team names!” ABA franchises:
1. the Kentucky Colonels.
Were owned by John Y. Brown, future Boston Celtics owner, future Buffalo
Braves turned San Diego Clippers owner … and the owner of Kentucky Fried
Chicken.
2. the Minnesota Muskies.
Your first ABA champion. They
lasted exactly one season before moving to Miami.
3. the Virginia Squires.
The one regional franchise to make it to the end of the league, the logo
is awesome – Thomas Jefferson dribbling a basketball across the state. Really, really cool.
4. the San Diego Conquistadors. Admit it – it sounds cool. Oh, and the head coast of “The Q’s”, as they
were known, in 1974? Answer coming
shortly*.
5. the San Diego Sails.
The team name prior to folding early in the ABA’s final season. Another perfect match of location and name.
6. the Los Angeles Stars.
Another perfect match of location and name.
ABA Least Favorite: New York Nets. The team name was picked to rhyme with Long
Island’s other 1970s professional franchise, the Mets and Jets.
(*: your trivia answer?
The Q’s coach in 1974 … was Wilt Chamberlain, who was fined on multiple
occasions for coaching in sandals. In
the words of the great Anthony J. Bruno: “that’s an outrage!”)
* “Boxers or Briefs?” – Melissa C, Cleveland.
Boxers. And I’m
still waiting on an answer.
* "I have two months." -- Melissa C, Cleveland.
Seriously -- what’s there to think about? I’m hot as hell, insanely witty, smarter
(albeit barely) than a corpse, I’m 0 for 2013 in the “bow chicha bow wow,
chicha bow wow” department, and I will not be spending the night before the
game in a Holiday Inn Express. I also am
highly likely to be over the legal limit in (president obama voice) all 56
states and the District by the time the gates open at 8:30am. What’s not to love?
(God, we’re getting close.)
* “Bring the family out to the Carnival, in town this week next to
the Home Depot …” – from a flyer in my stack of mail on Wednesday.
We’re there.
Carnies invading south KC. Like
we don’t already have a sterling reputation for shadiness in this fine community …
