Monday, January 20, 2014

2013 chiefs in review: part dos

“Way back on the radio dial,
A fire got lit inside a bright eyed child.
Every note just wrapped around his soul,
From steel guitars to Memphis,
All the way to rock and roll.

Oh!  I can hear them playing!
I can hear the ringing of a beat up old guitar!
Oh!  I can hear them singing –
Keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart!”


--------------------

3. The Chiefs Report Card: Offense.

I do not grade on a curve.  Every player is graded according to performance, and expectation entering the season.  Obviously, Alex Smith will be graded far, far more harshly than Tyler Bray, for example.  Every player has a B entering the season.  Players who exceed expectations, will grade above a B.  Players who grade below expectations, will grade below a B.  Here we go.

All players appear alphabetically by their last name.

RT Branden Albert: B.  Turned in a decent season when healthy, but isn't worth the price of the franchise tag the Chiefs have on him.  John Dorsey has a very interesting decision to make on Mr. Albert this offseason, as removing that franchise tag would more than free up enough cap room for the Chiefs to sign the player improvements they need.  But it'd also create a huge gaping hole on the right side of the Chiefs offensive line.

LG Jeff Allen: A-.  Circle me impressed for the most part.  The Chiefs have a solid interior three offensive linemen for the next decade in place, barring injury or free agency defections.  (Or that pesky designation known as "retired".)  Mr. Allen is amongst that grouping.

RG Jon Asomoah: A.  For my money, the most impressive lineman this season.  Should be a fixture at right guard for the next decade.

WR Donnie Avery: D+.  Had two decent games all season -- the win over Dallas, and the loss at Indy.  Costly drops time after time.  He's better than this.  He'll have to be, if he's going to be back for a second season.

WR Dwayne Bowe: B.  Be honest, Chiefs fans -- he met our expectations.  He had some incredible performances; he had some games where you wondered if he was still in the Riverside lockup, he was so non-existent.  Next time you see me in person, I have a hysterical story about Mr. Bowe and his family, that for privacy issues, I won't post ... but let's just say, you'll laugh, and you won't be even remotely surprised at said tale, confirmed to me by at least three independent people I trust.  (Namely, they witnessed it.)

QB Tyler Bray: B.  Again, he met my expectations.  He held that clipboard with pride, never once to my recollection struggling to hold onto it, write on it, and/or otherwise utilize it ... and never once was there even a chance in hell he'd sniff actual bona-fide playing time.  That is exactly what I want out of my emergency / inactive quarterback.  Job well done buddy!

RB Jamaal Charles: A+.  Turned in one of the finest seasons in franchise history, and he's only in year six on the roster (and year three of actual meaningful playing time; he didn't play much in 2008 or 2009, and missed all but the opener in 2011).  Health and continued success should ensure he'll top the franchise rushing total list no later than week three of next season.  (He currently trails Priest Holmes by 247 yards for that honor.)

QB Chase Daniel: A.  Started one game, and posted an impressive effort (at Chargers, week seventeen).  Showed he is perfectly capable of going 2-2 if Sir Alex has to miss a month for whatever reason, and that's all you can ask for out of your backup.

RB Knile Davis: B.  This was one of the toughest grades to give.  On the one hand, the Chargers and Colts games to end the season showed the potential this kid has.  On the other hand, you have fifteen weeks of suckitude preceding those efforts, to weigh them against.  Given the ramifications of the last two games (do or die for the Chargers; do or die period for all involved at the Colts), I'll call it a wash and give him a B.  Circle me intrigued by this kid, Bert.  Circle me intrigued.

TE Anthony Fasano: D.  Couldn't stay healthy; didn't do much when he was.  Would be shocked if the Chiefs don't target the tight end position for a major upgrade and overhaul this offseason.

LT Eric Fisher: C+.  He got better as the season went along, and for his critics (which sometimes include me), his value was on full display for all to witness when he wasn't on the field at Indianapolis.  I would venture that other than quarterback, there's not a more difficult position to come in and start from day one at, than protecting the quarterback's blindside.  The Chiefs QBs left the field upright and ambulatory after every play this season.  There's something to be said for that.

TE Richard Gordon: B.  I have no idea who the hell this guy is.

RB Cyrus Gray: C-.  Wasn't asked to do much, but when his moment came (the wheel route at Indy), he couldn't make the play happen.  Not seeing a future in KC for this kid.

TE Demetrius Harris: B.  Spent the bulk of the season on injured reserve.

WR Junior Hemingway: F.  In hindsight, I probably had too inflated of expectations and hopes for this dude ... but can anyone name a single contribution he made all season, outside of a special teams tackle here or there?  Probably a one-and-doner in KC.

G Ricky Henry: B.  Another injured reserve member.

C Rodney Hudson: A+.  Came back strong from surgery that ended his season prematurely last year.  I do not recall a single botched center exchange all season, and given that Sir Alex was in the pistol or the gun 65% of the time, that's damned impressive.  The fact that Rodney Hudson (at 50) and Justin Houston (at 70) have performed so well, takes some of the sting out of the Chiefs botching the quarterback position in the 2011 Draft.  The fact that we took Jon Baldwin (at 26), just re-inserts the sting all over again.

WR AJ Jenkins: B.  Had a couple nice catches in the denver defeat at Arrowhead, and a couple big-time third down receptions in the playoff game.  But also had a couple huge drops in that denver game, and that Colts game (his two biggest stages to contribute on).  Curious to see his development; I think the Chiefs have a decent slot option in this kid.

G Rishaw Johnson: B.  I have no idea who the hell this guy is.

TE Travis Kelce: B.  Had one solid game (Giants), and then was done for the season.  About what you'd expect out of your third string tight end.

OL Eric Kush: B.  Didn't get on the field much, but that was due more to the strong play in front of him, than a lack of ability on his part.

WR Dexter McCluster: A-.  Did everything asked of him.  Made some big plays (the punt return that blew the Giants game open; the flat screen touchdown against denver; a couple of nifty YAC gains at Indy), but somehow seems disappointing overall to me.  I'll assume that's the medicine Rev. Al K. Hall prescribed me, and give him what he probably deserves: an above average mark.

TE Sean McGrath: A.  I expected nothing, and he actually delivered a few big moments.  At times, seemed like the only healthy and/or competent option at tight end, something the Chiefs need to address in the offseason.

OL Geoff Schwartz: A.  A rock solid backup who can man any position on the line well.  I can see him developing into a Wade Smith / Donald "Snacks" Willis type backup lineman who lasts six or seven years in the league.

FB Anthony Sherman: A.  No complaints.  A solid pro who delivered a better than expected effort this season.  Probably the best blocking back the Chiefs have had since Tony Richardson.

QB Alex Smith: A+.  Got better every week as the season went along, culminating with one of the greatest performances at the quarterback position in franchise history at Indianapolis.  Is worth the two second-rounders the Chiefs coughed up for him.  Like it or not Chiefs fans, Alex is a upper-middle tier quarterback who has a chance to break into the lower-rung franchise ratings.  Don't believe me?  Go team by team, and tell me if you'd rather have Alex Smith, or their guy.

In the AFC, I count three teams, I'd rather have their guy -- Patriots (Brady), Steelers (Roethlisberger), broncos (satan) -- and two more I could be talked into, the Chargers (Rivers) and Colts (Luck).  In the NFC, I count two guys I'd rather have than Sir Alex -- Packers (Rodgers) and Saints (Brees) -- and one more I could be talked into, the Panthers (Newton).  That'd put Alex somewhere between 6-12 out of 32, which seems about right when you look at the flotsam, jetsum, and wreckage floating about a few franchises out there at the position.  (Hello Cleveland!)

OL Donald Stephenson: B+.  The local kid had a solid second season, providing quality backup and depth across the offensive line, and really only posting one costly penalty all year (the personal foul against the Giants for illegal hands to the face ... and Alex Smith promptly threw a 25 yard completion on the next play to Travis Kelce, to get it all back).

OL Rokevious Watkins: A.  I swear, the names some parents come up with for their kids.  Rokevious?  Really dude?  How the hell do you even pronounce it?  Is it Rock-Cave-Eee-Us?  Ro-Cave-Eee-Us?  Folks, it's simple.  Just name your kid Steve.  You can't go wrong with that.  (Says the dude who can tell a telemarketer instantly by how someone attempts to pronounce his screwily spelled last name.)

WR Kyle Williams: F.  And we signed this guy because?

4. The Chiefs Report Card: Defense.

Again, in alphabetical order by last name.

CB Abdullah Hussein Hussein Abdullah: A.  Had a couple nice plays, especially the interception to open the second half at Indy.  Also led to one of the funniest moments of my life, involving people with Muslim sounding names that are not Muslim.  Well, at least if you have an IQ above room temperature; I suppose the Glenn Beck's of the world still think Barry is consulting the Quran every morning before he starts his day.

DE Allen Bailey: B+.  Had a really good three game homestand in October, especially against the raiders … and then, like the raven in Edgar Allan Poe’s famous poem, “was heard from no more”.

S Eric Berry: D.  I know nobody wants to say it … but if you’re looking for a Paul Page Memorial “WHOA!” stunning cut on or slightly before March 1, Eric Berry is your candidate for the gig.  Not a good season.  A safety that can’t cover the pass, and can’t effectively tackle, in the words of Dean Wormer, “is no way to go through life, son”.

DE Mike Catapano: B.  Of whom nothing is expected, nothing is required.

DB Sanders Commings: C+.  Serviceable when healthy.  But dude, seriously – learn how to spell cummings (rimshot!).  (Pause).  Oh come on!  That’s my first tasteless, crass, absolutely gratuitous and unnecessary sex joke so far, and I’m on page 9 in Word!

CB Marcus Cooper: C-.  Perhaps no player symbolized the polar opposite season for the Chiefs, than Mr. Cooper.  A lights out corner up to the bye week, he made one meaningful play in the last eight games, his interception of peyton at Arrowhead.  Still, for a signing off the street literally two days before the season began, he held up well.  Really, really curious to see what a full season in the program will do for his growth.

DB Quintin Demps: D-.  The only thing saving him from flunking Professor Stevo’s report card is the kick return touchdown against denver.  Other than that, I got nothin’, yo.

DE Mike DeVito: A-.  Wasn’t as effective in the second half of the season due to injuries, but I maintain, the key to everything that worked through nine weeks, was Mr. DeVito eating up the entire right side of the line, freeing up Hali or DJ to sprint around the end unblocked (since the FB / TE would have to stay in to double Houston on the left side).  Arguably John Dorsey’s best free agent signing last offseason, he earned his contract and then some.

CB Brandon Flowers: C+.  You saw after his loss at Indy, how much the secondary needs him right now.  It was 41-24 when he left.  The Chiefs were outscored 21-3 in the sixteen minutes without him.  Fought injuries all season long, and could be another surprise cut candidate come March 1st.

LB Tamba Hali: A.  When it’s all said and done, Tamba Hali may go down as Carl Peterson’s second best first round pick for this franchise.  And I am fully aware Derrick Thomas, Tony Gonzalez, Larry Johnson, Dwayne Bowe, Dale Carter, and Derrick Johnson, went in round one on Carl’s watch.

LB Justin Houston: A.  He’s only in year three folks.  He’s only in year three!

DT Jaye Howard: B.  Who the hell is this guy?

DE Tyson Jackson: B.  He finally earned his contract!  Left unsaid in that comment is that he submitted to a nearly $10 million paycut last offseason, but hey, he finally earned his contract!

LB Robert James: B.  I have never heard of this guy, but he’s wearing the (depending on your perspective) sacred (if Donnie Edwards), repulsive, (if “cut” glen cadrez) or despised (if Jovan Belcher) 59 jersey.

LB Derrick Johnson: A.  As solid as DJ has been, I still argue nine years later, my fifteen minutes spent nearly throwing down with “The Voice of Reason” over the Rodgers / DJ debate, has proven me right.  (Pause).  You’re damned right that is about one of only three arguments, I’ve ever won against Mr. Reason.  Hence the name, “The Voice of Reason”.

LB James-Michael Johnson: C+.  Didn’t show much, but didn’t look good when he was on the field either.

LB Nico Johnson: B+.  Was making some nice contributions by the end of the year in nickel / dime situations.  Alabama linebackers have had some success on this team in the past.  Might be worth keeping an eye or two on this offseason.  Especially if your name is …

LB Akeem Jordan: A-.  Phenomenal first year, great signing, and still has at least a couple solid seasons in him covering the tight end / running back running across the center of the field.

S Kendrick Lewis: F.  Yeah, bring your playbook, K-Lew.  Ray Farmer definitely wants to see you.

LB / DE Josh Martin: B.  I have no earthly or heavenly or hellishly idea, who this tito is.

LB Dezmon Moses: B+.  Another young player (second year) who got some spot duty in the second half of the season, and looked damned impressive in the “backups, women, and children only!” starters performance at The Murph to close the regular season.  The Chiefs have an embarrassment of riches at linebacker.  I think that’s a good thing.

DB Ron Parker: F.  Got toasted twice in Indy, once as it unfolded in front of me.  Pack your bags pre-flight dude.  It’s zero hour, nine am***. 

DT Dontari Poe: A.  I’m going to make a statement that on the surface sounds absurd, but if you think about it, you will probably agree with me.  Dontari Poe is the best nose tackle this team has employed since (pick one) Joe Phillips or Dan Saleaumua.  And he’s only in year two folks.  He’s only in year two!

DL Jerrell Powe: B-.  Docked half a letter grade, because I can’t tell one fat black dude named Poe, from another fat black dude named Powe, on the replay 95.21% of the time.

CB Dunta Robinson: F.  In the words of Boyz II Men: “so now we’ve come (clap!) to the end … of … the road (clap!), and I can’t … let … go (clap!) …”

CB Sean Smith: B-.  Serviceable veteran that doesn’t make stupid mistakes, and doesn’t get you beat.  That’s all you can ask for out of a corner in this pass-wacky collection of teams we call the National … Football League.

LB Frank Zombo: B+.  Raised a half letter grade because I kept calling him Zombie.  Also, he had a solid second half filling in when injuries hit Justin Houston and Tamba Hali.

(***: I trust you know what song that line is all but completely plagarized from.  If not, get a clue.)

5. The Chiefs Report Card: Special Teams.

LS Thomas Gafford: A+.  I can’t recall a single botched snap all season, save for the blocked punt at Jacksonville, and that was more a blocking scheme issue, than snap issue.  He’s no Kendall Gammon … but he’s no Mike Junkin.  (Cue every New York Giants fan cringing at reading the name “Mike Junkin”.)

P Dusty Colquitt: B.  You can do a helluva lot worse.  I’d argue the team I despise more than any, did better by signing his younger brother.  But Dusty C’s ok in my book.

PK Ryan Succup: A.  Docked half a letter grade for his inexcusable miss at San Diego to end the season.  Other than that, no complaints.  Hit all three field goals in Indy, and none of them were a gimme (two were longer than 45, the other was a glorified extra point, which are sneaky tough field goals to make).  Welcome back man.  Welcome back.

6. The Chiefs Report Card: Coaching Staff.

Brad Childress (Spread Game Analysis / Special Projects): F.  Everyone knows this is a nepotism hire, and Chris Ault is the “spread game analysis” expert.

Brent Salazar (Assistant Strength and Conditioning): B.  He’s survived five administrations in eight years, he can’t be all bad.

Travis Crittenden (Assistant Strength and Conditioning): B.  Considering the Chiefs only major injury issues all season (prior to the playoff game) were not caused by strength and/or conditioning issues, these dudes get a decent grade.

Barry Rubin (Strength and Conditioning): A-.  Rock solid season for the training staff.

Matt Nagy (Quarterbacks): A.  You can’t point to a single inept, incompetent performance by either Sir Alex or Chase Daniel, save for possibly at Buffalo.  Last year, you couldn’t point to a single solid, competent performance by a Chiefs quarterback, save for maybe against Carolina.  Who says coaching doesn’t matter?

Mike Frazier (Statistical Analysis Coordinator): A+.  Do you realize “Fat” Andy Reid was 7 for 8 in challenges this year?  Seven for eight!  Unreal!  Someone upstairs is doing their job well on gameday, and it’s this dude.

Emmitt Thomas (Defensive Backs): A+.  One of the finest men to ever wear the Red and Gold, and one of the finest coaches this franchise has ever employed.  To say nothing of being one of the finest men period, to ever walk through the door.  Here’s hoping he’s returning next season for at least one last run at repeating 1969.

Kevin O’Dea (Assistant Special Teams): A+.  When the only special teams play all season long you can find fault with, is either (a) the blocked punt to open the Jacksonville game, or (b) the non-called illegal formation penalty on San Diego where Succup missed the game winning kick (and should have had a do-over), you pass with flying colors in my book.

Mark DeLeon (Quality Control): B.  Do we really need three “quality control” coaches?

Britt Reid (Quality Control): F.  Especially nepotistic hires like your own son, for the job?

Corey Matthaei (Quality Control): C.  I guess we do need three. 

Al Harris (Secondary Assistant): D.  If you were at Indy like I was, you’re probably in utter shock and awe this isn’t an F.  Only the Chiefs secondary to force two costly interceptions (that led directly to ten points) in that second half, up double digits, and find a way to lose.

Eugene Chung (Assistant Offensive Line): B.  Just like Maury Povich, everybody Wang Chung tonight (rimshot!)

Tommy Brasher (Defensive Line): A-.  Outstanding year from the front wall.  Made the back eight work perfectly for most weeks.

Andy Heck (Offensive Line): B+.  A very, very young outfit (Branden Albert is your senior statesman with six years’ experience) that is molding quite nicely.

Tom Melvin (Tight Ends): F.  The Bermuda Triangle of the offense. 

Dave Toub (Special Teams): A.  Mike “Doesn’t Matter, He’ll Make It!” Stock, Pete Rodriguez, and Frank Gansz Sr. finally have some competition in the “best special teams coach this franchise has ever employed” category.  Unless you count Richard A. Vermeil (who was the first coach to ever emphasize special teams as a separate unit) as one.  And I don’t.

Gary Gibbs (Linebackers): A+.  If you’d told teenage Stevo that he’d love, admire, and respect the former OU head coach, he’d have laughed himself into a coma.

Eric “Sleeping With The” Bieniemy (Running Backs): A+.  Again, if you’d told teenage Stevo that he’d love, admire, and respect the former Colorado standout running back, he’d have laughed himself into a coffin.

Doug Pederson (Offensive Coordinator): A-.  The unit got better every week.  Put it this way: it ain’t the offense’s fault, we didn’t reach the divisional round.

“Bulldog” Bob Sutton (Defensive Coordinator): C.  Charles Dickens put it best, in the opening to “Great Expectations”: “it was the best of times; it was the worst of times”.  I’d have fired him, but I respect “Fat” Andy for standing by him after that debacle I’m still at least 142 straight drinking days away, from being able to properly cope with.

David Culley (Wide Recievers / Assistant Head Coach): C.  Too many drops when it counts.  I get that Mr. Culley isn’t the one making the play … but he’s the one coaching these guys to make the play.  There has to be some accountability.

“Fat” Andy Reid: A.  He restored a pride and a level of success to this franchise few (including me) thought even remotely possible entering the season.  He guided this team to its best start in franchise history.  He had this team believing in itself, and this city and fanbase believing in these guys, like no Chiefs team since 2003, or possibly 2005 pre-December.

He (along with the front office and ownership) has made the franchise open, honest, and willing to listen to the fanbase, in a way that it hasn’t since … uuh … yeah … uuh … gee … uuh … well, ever. 

He inspired me to take $400 I don’t have, to make a trip to Indy – with Snowapalooza 2014 bearing down on us – to watch this team lose the most gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, ball-busting defeat in franchise history … and I’m still giving him an A, despite his horrific clock management in that game (that cost the Chiefs one last chance with the ball), and questionable challenge early in the game, that kept the Chiefs from challenging late.

Because he made this team, our team, the Red and Gold, matter again.  And not just to the five county metropolitan area at large … but to me specifically.

In a year in which I routinely found myself asking “where the hell is the morning after already?”, from one disaster to one broken friendship to one downsized co-worker to one death after another, Mr. Reid provided that morning after the disaster, for this franchise, the team that is my passion in life, my escape when I need it, my (bob dylan voice) Mr. Tambourine Man.

Job well done sir.  Job well done.

7. The Chiefs Report Card: Front Office and Ownership.

GM John Dorsey: B+.  My only beef is that the 2013 Draft isn’t shaping up all that great … but the 2008 draft looked horrific sixteen games in, and all we have to show for that is our starting RT (Albert), starting RB (Charles), starting primary CB (Flowers), and former starting CB (Carr), all of whom have made at least one Pro Bowl.

Everything this guy did, at least functionally worked.  That’s more than you can say for his predecessor.  And as I used to note about Herm Edwards replacing Dick Vermeil, “Herm did as much in one season, as Dick did in five: make the playoffs once, and lose to Indy once he got there”.  Jesus, will history EVER stop repeating itself!?!?!?!

Chiefs Sales / Ticket / Fan Relations Staff: A bleeping plus.  Allow me to note guys and gals at One Arrowhead Drive, us “die hard” season ticket holders LOVE the early-in pass.  We LOVE the parking nazis leaving us the hell alone.  We love how the cones are now merely a suggestion, not a guideline.

We love that the early-entrance debacle at the home opener, was address BEFORE the gates opened to everyone else.

True story: ten years ago, when the parking issues began (that would be the 2003 season, for you following at home), I emailed then-parking director Steve Schneider (who, in fairness, is one helluva nice dude, and always responded in a timely manner anytime I emailed him about anything – and those of you who know me best, know that if I got a beef with ya, I’m throwing it in your face the first chance I get, no matter who you are) to inquire about how we were supposed to coordinate parking cars arriving from (at the time) western Shawnee, Overland Park, central Illinois, Omaha, (occasionally) Dallas, and southern KC at the same time, if we couldn’t head down and save a spot for ten, fifteen minutes before the gates open.  Mr. Schneider’s suggestion was that we all meet up somewhere, and caravan in.

Anyone who has ever entered the gates at Arrowhead when they first swing wide open – especially at Gate Six off Stadium Drive – knows this is an impossibility.

This year?  Saving spots was fine.  Pulling out of line was acceptable.  It was like 1998 all over again, at least in Lot G, and it felt good.

Enjoy the offseason.  Oh, and no need to call me – I’m not only renewing, as noted up top, I’m re-acquiring my second.

Owner Clark Hunt (and the Hunt Family): A+.  They did everything we demanded they do, at a significant financial loss to themselves.  (They are currently paying three head coaches, two general managers, and whoever dropped the candy wrapper in the stairwell three years ago.)


Keep it up Hunt Family.  And eventually that sleaze john elway and the spawn of satan known as peyton manning, won’t be holding Your Trophy in celebration.

2013 chiefs in review: part uno

“I was checked in by four;
Put the sign on the door.
Looked out the window
Of the seventeenth floor.

Talked to the city
That knows me by name,
And all the bad things
That I do.

I shed five bitter tears,
Into five bitter beers;
Looked at my watch and said,
“Where have the years gone?”

I’m wasting away
Like a castle of clay,
Slowly crumbling too …

Every Monday?
I get this pain.
Every Wednesday?
It hits my brain.

Every Friday I die,
‘Cause everyday?
(Boom boom boom boom boom!)
I still … think of you …”

-- “Every Monday” by Marvelous3, the single most criminitely, grousely underrated band of all time.

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Well, it's time for the saddest post of the year -- the look back at the Chiefs season that was.  This post can only be, uuh, posted, once the Chiefs season is over.  I was in Indianapolis to witness the end to one of the more amazing seasons the Chiefs have had -- certainly the best in a decade.  Which is probably why I'm still going to need a solid six months of therapy with Stevo's Site Numero Dos' Official Therapist, the right Reverend Al K. Hall, before I can possibly begin to comprehend how this season ended.

So, let's do this.  If you're familiar with the site, you know how this works.  If not, basically, I'll look back at the things both great and awful of the season that was, grade every meaningful member of the organization and roster for their job performance, and post the "Stevo Dream Schedule" for 2014, along with my draft and free agency thoughts (if I have any).

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Part I is the Dream Schedule, and Highs, Lows, and Favorites.
Part II is the Professor Stevo Report Cards.
Part III is what truly matters -- where the hell are we at, how the hell did we get here, and where do we go from here?

Oh, and to answer the obvious: yes, I am not just renewing my ticket, if the seat next to me is available, I'm re-adding my extra as well.  If only because this home schedule next year, is wickedly delicious.

In fact, let's start there.  Let's open with ...

--------------------

1. The Stevo Dream Schedule for 2014.

Preseason:

Week One: at Packers, Saturday August 9, 7pm CT (Chiefs TV Network).
Week Two: vs Eagles, Saturday August 16, 7pm CT (Chiefs TV Network).
Week Three: at Texans, Saturday, August 23, 7pm CT (Chiefs TV Network).
Week Four: vs Vikings, Thursday, August 28, 7pm CT (Chiefs TV Network).

Reasoning / Rationale: there won't be a (don criqui voice) Governor's Cup Trophy game in preseason this year, as the Chiefs and Rams do battle in the regular season.  The Chiefs routinely schedule some combination of these four squads in the preseason, and none of them appear on the regular season schedule in 2014.  Your "Double Header Day" is August 28th; the only two weeks that work for the "Double Header Day" are the first and last.  Royals host the Twins that Thursday; why not make it a true twin-bill, ala 2003.  (Royals host the Giants the first weekend of the preseason; the Chiefs and 49ers play at whatever the hell their new stadium will be named in the 2014 regular season, so the 49ers won't be on the preseason schedule.)

Also, it gives the Chiefs an opportunity for decent measurement -- two division champions, and two teams who fell back to the pack a year after making the postseason.  The third preseason game is always the most important; if the Chiefs can't give a 2-14 Texans squad that (in my opinion) just royally screwed the pooch on their coaching hire, it doesn't bode well, given the presence of seven games against 2013 playoff teams (including all four conference finalists) on the 2014 schedule.

Regular Season:

Week One: vs Jets, Sunday September 7, noon (CBS).
Week Two: at raiders, Sunday September 14, 3pm CT (CBS).
Week Three: at broncos, Sunday September 21, 3pm CT (CBS).
Week Four: vs Rams, Sunday September 28, noon CT (FOX).
Week Five: at Steelers, Monday October 6, 7:30pm CT (ESPN).
Week Six: vs Patriots, Sunday October 13, 3pm (CBS).
Week Seven: at Bills, Sunday October 20, noon (CBS).
Week Eight: bye.
Week Nine: vs Titans, Sunday November 2, noon (CBS).
Week Ten: vs Seahawks, Monday November 10, 7:30pm CT (ESPN).
Week Eleven: at "Super" Chargers, Sunday November 16, 3pm CT (CBS).
Week Twelve: at "Super" Cardinals, Sunday November 23, 3pm CT (CBS).
Week Thirteen: vs Broncos, Thursday November 27, 7:30pm CT (NBC).
Week Fourteen: at Dolphins, Sunday December 7, noon CT (CBS).
Week Fifteen: at 49ers, Sunday December 14, 3pm CT (CBS).
Week Sixteen: vs raiders, Sunday December 21, noon CT (CBS).
Week Seventeen: vs "Super" Chargers, Sunday December 28, noon CT (CBS).

Reasoning / Rationale: No matter how you try to stage the schedule, this is going to be a weekly struggle.  The simple fact, gang, is that:

(a) the Chiefs play seven games against 2013 playoff squads (two each against denver and San Diego; one each against Seattle, San Francisco, and New England), all of whom figure to be in the thick of the playoff race again, and

(b) the Chiefs play four more games against teams that finished .500 or better in 2013 (one each against Miami, the Jets, Pittsburgh, and Arizona), and two of those squads (Pittsburgh and Arizona) were the "first team out" in their respective conferences.

That's eleven -- eleven! -- difficult contests on paper eight months out.  And of the remaining five games?  Three (Tennessee, St. Louis, and Buffalo) are against teams that finished within shouting distance of .500, and the other two are against our bitter rivals, the Pride N Poise Boyz by the Bay.

Here's why I set it up, as I did.  

Let's get my 1A / 1B matchup out of the way right off the bat.  Also, if you look at the first three weeks and note "wow, Stevo, we've seen this before!", then you're an astute observer.  The first three weeks are exactly as the 2005 Chiefs season (the last one that entering it, on paper, looked as brutal as this one does), only with zero prime-time games, instead of two, in that stretch.  There is no reason, none, the Chiefs should not be 2-2 at worst after the first quarter, and I'd argue anything less than 3-1 is a deep disappointment.

Your second quarter gets appreciably harder.  The Steelers game is the Chiefs first prime-time appearance, because I'm pretty sure Paul Tagliabue passed an addendum back in the early 1990s that every Chiefs / Steelers game must be played in prime time, or in the national television slot***.  Then a huge game against the Patriots on a short week, followed by a trip to The Ralph, before a bye and a very winnable game against the Titans at Arrowhead.  Again, there is no reason the Chiefs cannot be 4-4 at worst after this stretch, and I'd argue anything less than 5-3 is a very deep disappointment.  (Personally, I'd argue anything less than 6-2 is a bad sign, but 5-3 is manageable, depending on what denver and San Diego do.  Sorry, oakland fan -- your squad sucks something awful.  Another also-ran season for the red-headed stepsister of the AFC West.  As it should be!  (Cue every Chiefs, broncos, and Chargers fan nodding in agreement at the truth of that previous statement.))

The third quarter is where it gets really, really tough.  Home games against your two Super Bowl participants (including the donkeys on a short week in prime time on Thanksgiving night), and the two roadies are against well-coached rising powers.  The Chiefs have to find a way to take two in this stretch, and one of them has to be against denver or San Diego.

The last quarter sees the close of a stretch of four of five on the road, before closing with two divisional home games.  Three of four in the last four is extremely doable.

This schedule sets the Chiefs up for 10-6 barring catastrophic injuries, with a ceiling of 12-4, and a floor of 8-8.  And in case you think that's not good enough, remember this: if Ryan Succup hits the field goal as time expires in San Diego, then 8-8 gets you in this past season (the Steelers were the first out at 8-8). 

(***: in case you don't believe me, here are your Chiefs / Steelers matchups since 1992, in reverse:

2012: at Steelers, Monday Night Football.
2011: at Chiefs, Sunday Night Football.
2009: at Chiefs, no special designation.
2006: at Steelers, CBS national game.
2003: at Chiefs, no special designation.
2001: at Chiefs, CBS national game.
1999: at Chiefs, CBS Saturday game.
1998: at Chiefs, Monday Night Football.
1997: at Chiefs, Monday Night Football.
1996: at Chiefs, Monday Night Football.
1993: at Chiefs, playoff game.
1992: at Chiefs, Sunday Night Football.

12 matchups, 10 of them nationally televised.  Unreal.)

OK, with fantasy and conjecture and wishful thinking dispensed with, I guess now it's time to look back at ...

2. The Bests and Worsts of the 2013 Season.

Best Game (Performance): at Redskins, week fourteen.  A 45-10 ass whipping in the snow, that felt more like 503 to negative 2.  The only way this game could have gone better, is if mike shanarat had been poop canned immediately afterwards (instead of three weeks later).

Worst Game (Performance): vs Colts, week sixteen.  Do you realize this is the only game all season, the Chiefs did not have the ball with under eight minutes to play, where they either (a) were already leading, or (b) driving to tie or take the lead?  The other five losses (at broncos, vs Chargers, vs broncos, at Chargers, at Colts), the Chiefs controlled the outcome of the game, ball in hand, midway through the fourth quarter.  This season was like the Bizarro World version of last year's Chiefs, only in a good way.

Favorite Game (Overall): vs Texans, week seven.  As someone who'd much rather watch a 17-16 chess match than a 45-44 shootout where the last team to have the ball wins, this game was a throwback to the glory days of the 1990s.  A brilliantly coached game on both sides, with the difference being that fourth quarter by the Chiefs defense.  Sixteen Texans plays in the fourth quarter.  One first down.  Negative two yards.  Zero points.  "Dayum nature!  You scary!"

Best Performance (Player): Alex Smith, at Colts, wildcard weekend.  This one will no doubt get lost in the shuffle for eternity, given the ending and outcome of the game.  But folks?  Folks?  Alex Smith's stat line that day?  30/46, 378 yards, 4 TD / 0 INT, Rating 119.7.  And that doesn't even account for his rushing stat line that day -- 8 carries, 57 yards, including two critical first down conversions on 3rd and long.

And he did all this, despite not having Jamaal Charles for the final 55 minutes, despite not having Donnie Avery for most of the second half, and despite not having his starting left tackle (Eric Fisher), who didn't even make the trip to Lucas Oil, and it showed -- poor Alex was sprinting for his life on nearly every snap he dropped back to throw (and literally on eight snaps, seven of which he did drop back to throw on).

Worst Performance (Player): Quintin Demps, vs Chargers week twelve.  My God.  I honestly don't know where to begin on his p*ss poor afternoon that frigid November afternoon.  Was it refusing to take a knee on every single kickoff, even though Nick Novak was booting them to damned near the back line of the end zone?  Was it allowing some Chargers WR I cannot pronounce the name for, on a play when everyone in the stadium knew Phyllis Rivers was going deep, to get open and score the game winning points?  Was it missing so many tackles in the open field, I started calling him "Chuck", after Charles "Chuck" Mincy -- the second worst defensive back in Chiefs franchise history -- and NOBODY was laughing, because EVERYONE around me knew who I was referring to, and why?  Sorry "Chuck" -- you turned in the worst individual day this season, and really, outside of your "effort" in Indy in the wildcard game, nobody else is even in the running for this honor.

Favorite Performance (Player): Knile Davis, at Colts, wildcard weekend.  Mr. Davis stepped into an impossible situation.  Asking a rookie -- any rookie -- to carry the load, on the road, in as bat sh*t crazy with fan noise as Lucas Oil Stadium is, is nearly asking the impossible.  Asking him to do it given (a) his history of fumbling throughout the season, (b) the utter inability of the offensive line to blow a hole open for him, and (c) that he literally had no backup, no support, with Jamaal Charles' out due to being concussed, was asking the absurd.

Davis delivered.  18 carries for 67 yards and a touchdown.  7 receptions for 33 yards and a touchdown.  And he and Sir Alex had the Chiefs moving into range for what might have saved the victory from the ensuing jaws of defeat, before he tragically blew out his knee with about six minutes to play, and the Chiefs driving for what might have been the clinching points of the contest.

Oh, and zero turnovers.  He didn't even put the ball on the ground on the play he was injured.  Here's hoping for a speedy, Jamaal Charles' like recovery, because I cannot wait to see these two lined up in the backfield together next fall, and watch the league's various defensive minds, try to account for the weapons the Chiefs will hopefully throw at you on every single play.

Best Play (Player): Tamba Hali's strip sack / DJ's recovered fumble on the Texans final snap from scrimmage, week seven.  The recap of the play leads off, and closes, the recap of that contest.

Worst Play (Player): Donnie Avery's dropped bomb early on, at broncos, week eleven.  Of every "what if" that us Chiefs fans get to torture ourselves with this offseason, this one tops the list.  What if Donnie Avery holds onto the bomb and scores as he should have (and like he did at Indy in the wildcard round)?  That first matchup with denver has a whole different outlook, if the Chiefs open the field up early (as they tried to do).  Dishonorable mention to Cyrus Gray's utter lack of speed and closing ability at Indy in the wildcard round.  If Jamaal Charles is on the field for that wide, wide open wheel route, the Chiefs win the game.  If Knile Davis is on the field for that wide, wide open wheel route, the Chiefs win the game.  Unfortunately, Cyrus Gray was the last running back standing on the field, for that wide, wide open wheel route.  The Chiefs lost the game.  Hang on, I need to spent a few moments "conversing" with my good friend, the Rev. Al K. Hall, before continuing.

Favorite Play (Player): The Hali / DJ strip sack and recovery of Case Keenum, week seven.  That, ladies and gentlemen?  THAT is what Terrorhead used to mean.  And that might be my favorite play by a Chiefs player in at least five years, since Larry Johnson took that final handoff against denver that magical September Sunday in 2008, and ended 345 days of losing.

Best Play (Coach / Call): the underneath route to Dexter McCluster for a 28 yard touchdown, vs broncos, week thirteen.  This thing was a thing of beauty.  Great play call by Doug Pederson in that spot -- confusing the donkeys with a power set I formation, then sending both Dwayne Bowe and Donnie Avery end-zone bound, which opened the middle of the field wide, wide open.  Dexter could have walked in, there was so little resistance to the play.

Worst Play (Coach / Call): the entire second half on defense, at Colts, wildcard round.  Put it this way: if you can pour yourself a stiff enough Weller and Diet Coke, and watch the second half, you'll notice the Chiefs played a 5-0 cover one for damned near the entire half.  It forced zero punts, allowed five touchdowns (while earning ten points ultimately off turnovers), and is a huge, key factor as to why the Chiefs lost, because there were no linebackers in the play, to prevent Andrew Luck from simply grabbing the ball and diving forward.  There wasn't anyone there to oppose his lunge.

Favorite Play (Coach / Call): Alex Smith around right end for a critical fourth down conversion, at Colts, wildcard round.  Why, you ask, was this my favorite play of the season?  Because the Colts had just run the same damned play, right down to the fake handoff to the fullback up the center that every person in the building -- including me -- fell for, not even forty five minutes earlier.  I love coaching staffs that aren't afraid to admit the opposition's game plan is better, and steal it for themselves.  Joe Pendry wouldn't have done that.  Paul Hackett wouldn't have done that.  "Are You" Jimmy Raye wouldn't have done that.  Al Saunders never would have done that.  Chuck Weis never would have done that.  Brian Daboll wouldn't even think to do that.  And poor Mike Solari is still trying to finish coloring in the kiddie menu at whatever IHOP he's bussing tables at. 

Best Game (Weather): vs Cowboys, week one.  Anytime the t-shirt is off, and draping my shoulder, by the middle of the first quarter?  It's a damned good weather game for a football game.

Worst Game (Weather): at Colts, wildcard round.  All that damned snowstorm cost was eating one night's hotel room, a drive home from hell itself once we got to, uuh, hell itself (that would be Columbia), and an inability to properly deal with the worst Chiefs defeat of my lifetime, because we all had to keep our wits about us just to simply see ten feet in front of us for the last four hours of that trip (which usually only takes ninety minutes).


Favorite Game (Weather): at Jaguars, week one.  Because anytime you can watch your team whip another team's behind while floating in the pool, vodka tonic(s) in hand, in 104 degree temperatures, you have to do it.

Up next?  The Report Cards.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

2014: a return to what matters on this site ...

"I came across a fallen tree.
I felt the branches of it
Looking at me.

Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place
That I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing!
Where have you gone?
I'm getting old,
And I need something to rely on.

So tell me when,
You're gonna let me in --
I'm getting tired,
And I need somewhere to begin.

And if you have a minute?
Why don't we go,
Talk about it
Somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything!
So why don't we go,
Somewhere only we know?

Somewhere only we know ..."

"Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane, my favorite song of all time ... for a damned good reason(s).

--------------------

Let me open 2014 on this site, by apologizing for 2013.

I didn’t write nearly as often, or as much, as I wanted to.  And to be honest, the things I felt most motivated to write about, came down to one of two choices way too many times: the Chiefs season, and how God-awful my 2013 was personally and professionally.

And so, let me say, to truly open this site’s (holy cow, I never saw this number coming) seventh – seventh! – year of existence … that I strive to do better.

If you scroll down the right side to where the prior posts are by year, you’ll notice a three year pattern repeating itself.  Huge posting year … moderate posting year … indefensibly small posting year.  Which means we’re due for an uptick this year.

There are still a few posts from 2013 I want to get up.  “The Annual Column” hasn’t gone up yet, and it’s January 16th.  That thing is tradition – it goes up Christmas night at the latest.  And yet, I haven’t even finished it yet.  Part of that is real life issues – there is no one who would want my job right now.  It’s probably the only reason I still have it.  I literally have not had two straight non-weekend, non-holiday days not at least checking email and/or answering various queries, since June 2012.  I’m burned out, I’m exhausted, and quite frankly, it takes every last ounce of energy I have (which isn’t much) to simply get out of bed in the morning, and put in another ten to twelve hour day, at a job in which my department head and I can’t stand each other, my current direct report boss* is caught in the middle of that disagreement, and it’s probably going to end horribly in about five months, when a cheaper, newer replacement for me can be brought up to speed.

But mostly, there’s some conflicted feelings over things and people from 2013, I can’t work through, to get the damned post finalized. 

I hope to do that soon. 

I hate that I can’t promise that will happen.

--------------------

(*: I feel bad for Kathy.  She didn't ask for this.  God knows I didn't either ... but she really didn't.  My department head and I, have never gotten along, going back pushing ten years at "former Stevo employer".  When we're cracking "gallows humor" that "well, at least Mary or Leif isn't here!"?  That is NOT a good thing.  Trust me.  (cue everyone who worked with me at "former employer", nodding their head in agreement.

At the same time ... no matter how much crap has been thrown in her lap, she's had my back.  (Probably because she knows a bullsh*tter from 300 miles away (and everyone who worked with me at "former employer", is absolutely nodding their head in agreement.)

--------------------

I hope to finally swallow hard, pour a glass of shiraz so big the “Cougar Town” folks would be jealous, and finally recap the Colts / Chiefs playoff game.  It deserves to be recapped.  I gave myself that game as my birthday present to me, and those of you who know me well, know I hate celebrating my birthday.  I usually have to be drug kicking and screaming to the Brooksider, or Quinton’s, or (insert bar here) for a couple hours of free booze.  Let that sink in – I hate turning a year older so much, I want to turn down someone paying my bar tab!  And my bar tab most nights is at least equal to the GDP of an Eastern European or South American nation. 

There’s so many other things I wanted to do, but never got the chance to, last year.

I hope to get to them this year. 

I hate that I can’t promise, I’ll do it.

2014 is a ten year anniversary of a lot of wrong.  I personally am praying the Chiefs do not play at home on October 5th.  I honestly don’t think I can take that emotionally.  (In case you want a glimpse into my previous “worst year ever”, you can click here for the recap of The Year That Was 2004.)

But there’s nothing that says 2014, has to repeat ten years ago.

And there sure as all hell, isn’t anything that says, 2014 … has to repeat last year.

I promise to try to do better in 2014 – in posting, in being around, in being not just a read for you in the “second office”, but in being a friend. 

In just being me.  (minister saying words I never anticipate repeating voice) “For richer or poorer; in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”

I think I’ve lost that over the last brutal twelve (ok, fine, eighteen) months of my life. 

I hope you all know – you read this, either by drunken happenstance, or the Twitter, uuh, tweet, or a Facebook link, or a "what are the (bleeping!) odds coincidence that I don't believe exist?  

Thanks for reading.

You have an issue with me?  Approach me.  I get the ability to be brutal honesty in where you stand with me, from my mom.  And I get an amazing ability to forgive the unforgivable, from my dad.  (Flip a coin for who my brother and I get our brutally amazing ability to drink from.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Good point -- maybe my Uncle Bill should be in this poll.) 

If you like a post?  Please, post a comment, and say so.  You hate a post?  Trash it.  I don’t censor comments on this site; what you respond with, stands for time to judge. 

You have an idea, an interesting story, something you’d love my take on?  Reach out to me.  I’m on Facebook.  My email is linked in my profile at the top (note: the ten digits before the @ sign also works for gmail.com, if you want a faster response), and remove everything after the @ sign on the email, and that’s my Twitter handle. 

--------------------

I don’t know why I feel this way, but … you know what?  I’ll let you in on a little mom / son bonding moment.

I stayed at my folks place the night before Thanksgiving.  (I dog sat for my brother Thanksgiving night).  Those of you who know me well, know my dad’s health isn’t great.  We lost him twice on October 6th.  We miraculously, through the grace and incredible decency of God Himself, still have him. 

That Thanksgiving morning, my mom and I put the tree up.  I should probably note, this is something my dad does every year.  Just like me, my dad loves Christmas like no other holiday.

But Dad just wasn’t up to it, barely six weeks after his issues.  So Mom and I got up early, to get everything ready for when dad and the dog finally stumbled down the stairs, probably pushing 11am.

We started a little after eight.  Mom jokingly asked if I wanted a beer for the occasion.  Good grief.  Beer at 8am?  No thank you.  A glass of shiraz?  Pour that puppy!

And what followed … was my favorite day of 2013.  The one day, possibly the only one, I’ll look back 40 years from now, and think favorably about, from last year.

Because we got into the ornaments.

--------------------

And as I would suspect of many of you, my folks bought an ornament to celebrate every year of my brother and I’d childhood.  Mom actually choked up a bit at seeing “Steve 1977”, my first Christmas.  (Probably because the ornament looked as cheap and tacky and tasteless as the shag carpeting and plaid couch looked, in the pictures from my first Christmas.  I’m telling you all, the next time I dog-sit for the folks, I’m stealing my baby book.  You’re going to laugh out loud at what “the style of the time” was in 1977.  Also, you’re gonna say “aw, that’s THE cutest baby ever!”, and have tears running down your cheeks, at how ridiculously handsome I was, even at the age of nearly a year.)


My mom and I spent almost three hours, reliving every Christmas of our family.  I didn’t really remember much before the early 80s … but the ornaments were there.  Quite frankly, I was stunned – stunned! – there wasn’t a Lionel Richie “Steve 1984” ornament.  (His biggest year: “Dancing on the Ceiling”, “All Night Long”, and the Olympics Closing Ceremony.  Now THAT’S a trifecta!)

--------------------

And that's probably why Keane's amazing song, is my favorite song of all time.  I'm not a well-read blogger (and deservedly so; I have so many typos in every post, I wouldn't last five weeks writing about some Pee Wee League in some random town in unincorporated Montana).  I am too brutally honest at times, and I've been told I take things too personally (both "accusations" are true, for what it's worth.)

That song hit me in ways this year, I never saw coming, for the "post" that led at least a few of you, to frequent this site.

--------------------

I guess I choose to open 2014 by saying this:

There is always a "Somewhere Only We Know", for every person reading this.

It may be with me.  And I hope it is; if you care enough to read this?  Then you matter to me.

But (hopefully) the odds are?  

This isn't your "Somewhere Only We Know".

Because you have that place, with at least one person in life.  To which I say ...

--------------------

Embrace that "somewhere".  Hug the hell out of that "someone".  

Cherish 'em.  Own 'em.

And love the hell out of them.

Your "Somewhere Only YOU Know".

--------------------

Because about 10:30 that Thanksgiving morning, my dad and the family dog wandered down the stairs, saw me and my mom arguing over what should top the Official Family Tree -- the traditional angel my mom preferred, or the Chiefs mini-helmet I argued for ...

... and my mom and I both said, at virtually the same time, "let (my) Dad decide".

(Pause).

You're damned right that helmet sat at the top of the tree.

--------------------

I honestly believe 2014 will be the best year of my life.

I have no reason grounded to reality or common sense, to say why.  I just feel it.

Call me a dreamer, say I'm a little naive ... but I believe friendships (stewie griffin voice) roo-eened in 2013?  Get fixed in 2014.

I believe hurt and pain and injury caused in 2013?  Cease to exist in 2014.

I just have a (probably) stupid blind-ass faith in this year, I shouldn't have.  But I do.  I think 2014 is going to be the best year of my life.

I think, in hindsight, I tried to force it in 2013.  I forced that interview in Dallas that blew up in my face.  I forced the "yeah, I can handle this" incompetence I'm under fire for at work right now (which my amazing boss, keeps finding ways to explain ... if only because she gets the reality that "you can't go from 3 to 1 person, and not have sh*t happen".  

I'm just gonna roll with the punches in 2014.  

I hope you're along for the ride ... wherever it takes me ...

Thursday, January 9, 2014

chiefs! colts! where the most painful, yet most amazing game, i've ever witnessed in person, occurs (part 1) ...

"The stars will cry
The blackest tears tonight.
And this is the moment
That I live for;
I can smell the ocean air!

Here I am,
Pouring my heart
Onto these rooftops!
Just a ghost, to the world --
That's exactly, exactly what I need!

From up here?
The city lights burn!
Like a thousand miles of fire!
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day!

For a second?
I wish the tide,
Would swallow every inch
Of this city,
As you gasp for air tonight!

I'd scream this song,
Right in your face
If you were here!
I swear -- I won't miss a beat,
'Cause I never, never have before!

From up here?
The city lights burn!
Like a thousand miles of fire!
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day!

Of our dying day!
Of our dying day!
Of our dying!!!!!! ..."

-- "Anthem Of Our Dying Day" by Story Of The Year, off of one of the ten most criminitely, grousely, Zues in nature ignored cd's of all time, "Page Avenue" ...

--------------------

I sat in Section 450, Row 3, Seat 13.

I should have known from the first three minutes, what was to come.

I sat next to a Colts season ticket holder named Ty, who drives nine hours to every game from Mississippi, where he’s stationed with the Marine Corps.  (Let’s just say, the halftime show meant a lot to him.  As always, keep reading.)

After exchanging pleasantries (I bought his third season ticket seat off the NFL Ticketmaster Exchange), he expressed his remorse at having a Chiefs fan buying his seat, but noted “you were dumb enough to pay above face value to see your team lose!”  I laughed at that; that isn’t what should have made me know what was coming.

(Besides, paying $140 for a $104 ticket, with a comparable view of what I’m used to at Arrowhead?  An extra $36 means what, one night of sobriety for me over the next couple weeks?  I think everyone not named “Stevo” would think that’s a good thing.  And even this “Stevo” character, gun to his head, would concur a night of sobriety might be a good idea.)

Nope, when I should have known, is when Ty and I got into (for lack of a better description) a d*ck measuring contest, over who was the bigger fan of their team.

I’ve missed three games in the last ten years for the Chiefs at home – Miami in 2008 (a 2-12 team playing in negative nine degree weather.  No thanks.); Miami in 2011 (my flight home from – ironically enough, Miami – was delayed; I didn’t land at KCI until right before kickoff); and Pittsburgh 2011 (I made the tailgate; I was so sick I had “The Ex” drive me home before kickoff).  Considering I’ve made at least three road games since 2004 (2005 at Dallas, 2007 at Houston, 2010 at Seattle, plus Saturday), I consider that a break-even accomplishment.

Ty?  Has missed one, and only one, Colts home game since 2003.  I’ll just let his comment speak for itself.

“I missed the (2006 AFC Championship) Patriots game, because I couldn’t get Monday off.  (Pause).  I’ve never forgiven myself for that.”

And then, the capper.  “Because I will never have a chance to see a comeback like that, again, in my life.”

So it probably won’t surprise anyone, that as Andrew Luck took his third knee in the victory formation with :37 remaining, to seal the Colts comeback for the ages, a 45-44 victory that is both the most painful defeat I’ve ever attended, and the best football game I’ve ever witnessed, that I looked over to Ty, as the clock ticked to zero, and the Chiefs were powerless to stop it.

Most fans in section 450 – to say nothing of every other section in the nuthouse that was Lucas Oil Stadium on Saturday – were screaming, shouting, cheering.

Ty?

Was sitting in his seat, his head cupped in his hands, crying.  Openly sobbing, at what he'd just seen.  Let that sink in folks: one of our nation's finest, a little bit older than me (I'm 37 and change now ... (gumby voice) dammit!), is reduced to crying like a newborn, at what happened in that second half on Saturday.

I can honestly say, without a hint of sarcasm, regret, guilt, or jealousy: it’s one of the coolest things, I’ve ever seen in my life.

OK, fine -- I can say it with many, many, many hints of jealousy.  Because I expect Ty's reaction?  To be mine, especially up 38-10.  (We'll get to that moment ... eventually.  Maybe.  Possibly.  If I can ever bring myself to recap the actual game.)

So let me open by saying this – I’ve had better birthday weekends.  And I’ve had worse.  But I’ve never had one more memorable.  I will never forget this road trip for as long as I live.  From the euphoric highs to be described  below, culminating in a 38-10 lead barely two minutes into the second half … to the greatest second half I have ever seen a NFL team play in person, that might be the worst second half, in the Red and Gold's history.

Saturday’s outcome was a blow to the nuts with a tire iron.  It was Professor Plum, with the candlestick, in the bathroom.  Just a full on (old school “batman” tv show voice) POW! BOP!  SOCK! to the junk with the conveniently placed at ringside steel chair.

But in the words of Ronnie Milsap, “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world”.  The game was that much damned fun.

Even if it’s going to take six months of therapy with … hell, might as well make it official.  Even if it’s going to take six months of therapy and counseling with Stevo’s Site Numero Dos Official Man of the Cloth, the right Reverend Al. K. Hall, to begin to cope with what Saturday was.

So here’s the beginning of your recap, of both the most painful, and most amazing, National Football League game I have ever paid to witness.

This'll take you to kickoff.

I cannot promise, I'll ever go farther.

--------------------

We left a little after 8am on Friday morning.  Everything went just fine for the first three hours – I spent it alternating between playing solitaire, and thanking everyone who took the time to wish me a Happy Birthday, either on Facebook or Twitter or email or text message.  (I hope to come back to this, in the close of the post.  Assuming I eventually get there.  Again -- I have not even remotely gotten over Saturday yet.)

We entered The Lou* a little before 11am.  Stopped in O’Fallon to get some snacks, visit the facilities, and put some gas in the Jimmy.  Upon getting back onto I-70, the radio station we were listening to, before going to commercial, began to prepare us for what was to come.  A major winter storm sometime that weekend.  With wind chills lower than any day I have ever experienced, and I’ve been here for 37 years and some change now.

Still, despite the warnings, we didn’t really take it credibly.  The idea of an inch plus of snow falling every hour for twelve to fifteen hours doesn’t really register in the mind.  The sheer ridiculousness of hearing “wind chills of fifty degrees below zero” really doesn’t register in the mind.

Turns out, the warnings on Friday, if anything, undersold what was going to occur.

--------------------

(*: no description more accurately describes that hellhole, than comparing it to a toilet.  God bless you, Great Britian and King’s English.  God bless you!  And yes, I am fully aware I chose a St. Louis based band, for the opening lyrics.)

--------------------

Funniest moment of the drive up.  If you’re from the five county metropolitan area known as Kansas City, and have ever made a trip to Indy, be it for a basketball game, the 500, the Brickyard, or a football game, or even just for sh*ts and giggles, then you have no doubt seen the cross as you enter Effingham, Illinois.

This thing is impressive.  It’s a solid 60, 70 foot tall white cross, on the grounds of whatever church is there.  No matter how religious you are, for whatever religion, it is an impressive display.

Russ’ reaction (he had never seen it before)?  “Jesus, that’s a big cross!”

I love unintentional comedy sometimes.

--------------------

As we crossed the border into Indiana, things got appreciably worse on the roads.  Apparently a snowstorm hit eastern Indiana on Thursday (or the day before).  The freeway was relatively clear of snow, ice, flotsam and jetsam, but the 79 miles from the border to downtown Indy was a virtual graveyard of cars and trucks.

We passed at least two overturned eighteen wheelers.  One car was in the median, halfway sheared by the wire barrier there to prevent crossover wrecks. 

Then, we got to downtown Indy … and apparently, the mayor caused a boatload of anger there, because with the coming storm over the weekend, he made the decision to plow the freeways and the main streets downtown … but nothing else.  I can tell you, the side streets were a disaster.  The road that led between our hotel and the parking garage, was nothing but an ice skating rink with a thin layer of snow on top of it.  Most of the sidewalks weren’t shoveled on Friday, although the Colts did clear the walkways immediately around Lucas Oil Stadium sometime Friday night.

It took a few minutes to find where we were staying, the lovely Comfort Suites in the downtown Centre.  Yes, they spell Centre as Centre should be spelled.  God bless you, Indianapolis.  God bless you.

Mona checked us in, while Russ and I got the bags, the coolers, and other assorted things out of the car.  The room itself was quite nice.  Two king sized beds, plus a sleeper sofa, and a really comfortable lazy chair.  We picked this room, because the initial plan was for Ron and Michelle and their son / my buddy Ryan to crash there after the game.  (They weren’t coming in until Friday due to Ryan’s work schedule.)

The view of the cozy surroundings for the weekend:



(Photo: me or Mona, via one of our digital cameras.)

That was the plan – enjoy a fun tailgate, enjoy the game, enjoy a fun night out in Indy afterwards, wait out the storm, and head home Sunday.

But the best laid plans, almost never come to full fruition.

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Marty McDonald, who founded the Save Our Chiefs movement last year, and has given the domain away to yet another “Save A Franchise Stevo Roots Passionately For” movement*.

He sent out a Tweet Friday morning, urging Chiefs fans coming in on Friday, to meet up at a bar called the Tilted Kilt at 7pm Indy time on Friday night.  Apparently the Tilted Kilt is an official bar of the Indianapolis Colts.  Which meant by taking it over, we were taking it right to the heart of the enemy.

We were up for it, so about 6:30, we ventured out to find the place.  (It wasn’t hard to find.  Especially since our courtesy car driver seemed to know exactly where she was going.)  I honestly expected to see maybe 50 people, if that.  Marty had only reserved two room-length tables at the back of one of the rooms in this bar, for the gathering.  Clearly he wasn’t expecting what occurred.

Because what occurred, was effing beautiful.  By 7pm, there were over 500 Chiefs fans in that place, and the number just kept climbing.  Here’s how you know it p*ssed some folks in Indy, specifically in that bar, off – they booted 610 Sports (which was broadcasting live from the Tilted Kilt), Channel 41, Channel 5, and Channel 9, from the building.  They were not allowed to come back in.

So, being the enterprising folks us Chiefs fans are?  We took the party to them, on the street. 

The look of disgust and contempt on the Colts fans walking past, was absolutely worth the price of admission.  (Which, granted, was free, but still.)

By the time we left a couple hours later, there wasn’t an empty table in that place, and there weren’t more than five Colts fans in the joint.  The pic below doesn’t even come close to doing it justice, as it’s just a panoramic view of the room we started in.  There were three more rooms this size, plus a gigantic bar, crammed with Chiefs fans.  And a line out the door, to get in as well.

I tried to do it justice, but honestly, just click on Marty's Twitter account; the pics he took are better:


(One room, out of four plus a bar, crammed with Chiefs fans.  Image: me, via my iPhone.)

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(*: I'm getting damned sick and tired of teams I love, needing a "Save Our (Team Here)" movement.  Just saying.)

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 To be fair, I had a good feeling that there would be a lot of us there, if only because when we contacted the Chiefs ticket office on Monday morning to order from the Chiefs allotment of tickets (which was 5,000 tickets per NFL policy) … we were informed that the Chiefs had already sold out of their allotment of tickets.

Sweet merciful Jesus.  5,000 tickets gone in less than half a day.  For a road game.  That we were underdogs for.

When I get to the game recap portion of this post (and I should note up front, I am not sure I’m going to be able to recap this game, the pain is still too intense), I’ll hopefully have an in-game shot of the bleachers behind the Chiefs sideline.  (I honestly don’t know what all is on my iPhone and my digital camera; I haven’t downloaded the pictures yet.) 

Because at best, the Colts occupied forty percent of the seats on that side of the stadium, and at best they occupied only half of the seats in the 600 section (opposite end zone from where we sat).  There were at least 10,000 Chiefs fans in that place … and it still was so damned loud when the Colts were on defense, that you couldn’t hear yourself think, let alone hear what someone was saying to you.

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I gotta say, it’s weird sleeping in Indianapolis on “GameDay”, and not being woken up by a gigantic BOOM!, as the cannon is set off to officially open the Speedway for the 500. 

And it also was weird not immediately getting up, half frightened of the noise, half frightened you just peed your pants, throwing on a t-shirt, and heading out to survey the scene, buy the commemorative lineup poster the Indy Star puts together every year, and coming back to find a healthy breakfast of biscuits and gravy and Bud Light waiting for you.  Very, very weird.

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When we arrived in Indy on Friday afternoon, the forecast was for the snow to begin during tailgating, intensify during the game, and push through sometime overnight Saturday into Sunday.  That forecast played perfectly into our plans for what to do after the game.

By Friday night, the arrival was pushed back a few hours.  Now it was supposed to begin snowing during the game, with the worst hitting between 9pm and midnight, before tapering off before sunrise.  That was manageable, even if it meant a late arrival time home Sunday.

Saturday morning, the forecast had changed again.  Now it wasn’t going to start snowing until overnight Saturday into Sunday, and the worst of it would hit during the day on Sunday.  And in looking at the radar (because by this point, I didn’t believe a word out of these weather dude’s mouths), and doing some quick calculations, I concurred with this forecast.  I thought they finally got it right.

So did every other Chiefs fan, almost all of whom had booked their rooms for two nights, Friday and Saturday.  Breakfast that morning in the café / bar on the ground floor of the Comfort Suites, that was all the talk – “Storm of the Century”.

The mayor of Indy (who, again, is not well liked right now for doing what I thought was the right thing, and avoid wasting clean-up resources on Thursday night, when round two was coming forty eight hours later) held a presser, and flat out said that if you are here on Sunday, you’ll still be here on Tuesday.  I thought that was a bit ridiculous, but it turns out, he was right.  I work with a guy, Jarow, who went with his son to the game, and they didn’t get home until after midnight Tuesday night / Wednesday morning.

And so, faced with the forecast, nearly every Chiefs fan decided to do what we decided to do: cancel the reservation for Saturday night, check out Saturday morning, and get the hell out of town ahead of Sherman’s troops after the game. 

There was just one problem with that idea – Samantha, the front desk clerk.

Who refused to issue refunds for folks who had already paid for both nights.

Now, to be fair, this woman was a b*tch.  Everyone on Friday night staying at our hotel that came out to the Tilted Kilt was complaining about this woman.  She was not happy to have so many Chiefs fans in her hotel, which was literally located across the street from Lucas Oil Stadium.

No, really – here’s the view from the hotel bar:



(Pretty neat, huh?  Image: me, via my iPhone.)

To say that riot-like conditions existed in the lobby at about 10:15 Saturday morning, is an understatement.

But again – Chiefs fans, if we are anything, we are a resourceful bunch.  If you can’t get the front desk and hotel staff to give you what you want?

Call the 1-800 number.

We spoke to a nice guy named Felix, explained our situation, and he was sympathetic to Chiefs fans’ plight.  But he couldn’t issue a refund / chargeback to the credit card, until you had checked out.  Once you checked out, and he confirmed the checkout via the hotel staff, then he could credit back your card for the unused night.

Which set off a mad dash to the elevators, as now we had about thirty minutes to get checked out, and there were a solid 20, 25 Chiefs fans in that lobby.

Amazingly, everyone was officially checked out by 11am (the deadline).  Fully moved out, not necessarily, but checked out officially.  Samantha had no idea why we were doing this, I should probably note, because then the phone calls from the 1-800 number to the front desk started flying in.  She was NOT happy, to put it mildly.  She eventually stopped answering the phone, just letting it ring.  Which got her a reprimand from the hotel’s general manager, which was suh-weet!  Chiefs fans 1, Mean Front Desk Dudette 0.

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Another funny, laugh out loud moment: at breakfast Saturday morning, X-Factor (who was staying at our hotel) came down, already decked out in his embarrassing, pathetic get-up.  (Note: I do not care for X-Factor, Weird Wolf, that Elvis impersonator, or any other of the collection of “Super Fans”.  Save for Arrowman.  He’s the only one I respect.  The one I respect the least?  That crazy broad who brings the two fighting puppets to every home game.  Jesus, lady, you’re sixty.  Act your age, please.)

I mention this, because we were sitting next to a couple of Colts fans who had come in for the game, and were making small talk with them over some waffles and eggs, when X-Factor walks in.

The Colts fan’s exact comment upon seeing X-Factor for the first time?

“What the f*ck is that?”

Bango!

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We waited around for a little bit after checkout, because we had two groups of friends still headed in – Terry and his guys (Colts fans), and Ron, Michelle, and Ryan.  Terry and his two buddies got there first. 

And again, if Chiefs fans are anything, we are resourceful – Terry and Russ went out to the Jimmy, grabbed about ten beers, and we sat around the lobby, enjoying a couple adult beverages, while Samantha fumed even more at the front desk.

Finally, a little after noon, we headed off to where Ron and Michelle and Ryan had set up shop, at the cash lot across from the south side of the stadium: 315 Meridian.

But not before snapping a quality photo of our good buddy and his clan:



(Hey, who's the overconfident, arrogant as hell dumb ass in the middle of the pic?  Image: Mona, via her digital camera.  Our buddy Terry is on the far left.  Don't ask me the names of the two Colts fans on the right.  I know one of them is Gordon.  I couldn't tell you which.  I think the other one begins with a R, but don't hold me to it.  It's been seven years, and I still refer to Jeff and Paula as "Tony and Lisa" at least three times every time they come in for a game.  Hell, I've sat next to Kimberly for five months, and I still screw up her name at least twice a day, at work.  The lesson?  I am (chuck barkley voice) TURRIBLE! with names ...)

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When we got there, we noticed the guy who tailgates across from us, was there with his tricked out van.  We also noticed that Mix 93.3 had set up their tailgate party zone in that lot.

By 2pm, there were a solid 100 Chiefs fans in that lot, enjoying the playlist the Mix 93.3 DJ (who was this guy that I’d never heard of before … but in my defense, I don’t listen to local radio on the FM dial, unless it’s 98.1 KMBZ; I pay $18.95 / month to XM radio for a reason) was providing, and every couple moments, it seemed yet another Chiefs fan had arrived.

I tried to take a pic to do it justice.  Unfortunately it couldn’t, but in the far left side of the picture, I hope you can see the sweetest addition: a fully inflated Chiefs menacing tackler doll, standing up through an open sunroof.  I thought that was spectacular:


(Doesn't do it justice, but I tried.  Image: me, via my iPhone.  The Mix 93.3 van / DJ setup, is hidden between that open area between the white and red Chiefs tents, on the right.)

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The two runner-up funniest / best moments of tailgating on Saturday?

1. When Ryan walked up to me about fifteen minutes into that Steve’s playlist, and deadpans “your playlist is better man.”  When I asked why (because quite frankly, I didn’t think it was at that point), he responded “because that guy has no idea who David Allan Coe is”.  Mixology, represent!

2. About 1pm, the beer just wasn’t cutting it.  So Ryan and I hoofed it six blocks back to where the Jimmy was, to grab a whiskey bottle and a plethora of Diet Coke with lime cans out of said cooler.  It was a full handle of Weller (not exactly cheap stuff, and definitely potent).  It was gone by the time we headed towards the stadium a little before 3pm.  And there were only six of us drinking it.  Now THAT’S what I call tailgating!

But the funniest / best / least classy moment, hands down?

There were a few, uuh, gee, wow, how to put this delicately … a few girls who showed up because they saw the Mix 93.3 van and heard the music, and let’s just say, they thought that parking lot was a strip club on a typical Tuesday.  They definitely, in the words of R. Kelly, didn’t see “nothing wrong, with a lil’ bump and grind”, if you get my drift.

Mona walks up to me after about the sixth “this would barely get a R rating, and they’d have to cut a few scenes to get that” dance maneuvers out of these fine looking chicas, and goes “you know the future Mrs. Steve is one of (these girls).”

You know you have absolutely zero going for you in the dating / sex life department, when someone who is your second mother suggests marrying a skank letting it all hang out in a parking lot in a run-down part of Indianapolis at 2pm on a Saturday.

(In her defense … the blonde was really, really, really attractive.  And she was rocking the single sexiest accessory any chica can possess: the diamond nose stud thingy that springs me the moment I see it.)

Also should note, since this section of the post is approaching its’ own R rated status, that the best part about the Tilted Kilt?  Every waitress (and they were all chicas) was rocking the Britney Spears school girl outfit from the “Oops, I Did It Again” video all those glorious years ago … except this time, they were sporting some healthy looking tattoos in some naughty places as well.  And proud of it.

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We headed in a little before 3pm (for a kickoff at 4:30pm).  I wanted to see the stadium; I’d never been to Lucas Oil before.

My second favorite pic of the weekend, the three of us -- me, and my second parents, who I love so damned much I consider them as my actual parents ... on the walk in:


(It's cold ... but it ain't Milwaukee.  Apparently Mom didn't get the message about that, with the thumbs up "AYYYY!", uuh, thumbs up.  Photo: random Colts fan I gave my iPhone to.  Thanks dude!)

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My favorite pic?  Closing down the tailgate, the six of us that have had each other's backs and then some, during this season:



(photo L to R back row: Ron, Mona, Russ, me, Ryan.  Second row: no clue.  Front row: the blonde destined to be "Mrs. Stevo", and Michelle.  Photo: not a damned clue.)

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The coolest feature about Lucas Oil Stadium, you have to be a multi-sport fan, to get.  It’s not immediately noticeable, and if you only love football and don’t give a damn about anything else unless the local team is participating, you won’t notice it.

Because Lucas Oil Stadium is a genuine football facility … built like a basketball arena.

There was a really cool Lucas Oil racing exhibit underneath where I sat (I noticed it on the painfully slow descent on the escalator after the game).  The walkways were beyond spacious.  There were bathrooms everywhere (hooray!) 

I would rank it as the third nicest stadium / arena I’ve ever been to, behind (1) Reliant Stadium in Houston (trust me gang, if you’ve never been?  That stadium whips every one else’s ass) and (2) American Airlines Center in Dallas.  The AAC is honestly what Lucas Oil reminded me of.  Very similar feel when you’re sitting there.

Here was the view from my seat, pregame, towards the Chiefs sideline (and notice the Red already very visible):



(Photo: me, via my iPhone.  Ty, referenced to open the post, is the guy in the Luck jersey.)

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The pregame was pretty much as boring as a regular season game, up until about ten minutes before kickoff.

Here's the Chiefs headed off to the locker room:


(photo: Mona, via her digital camera.)

The pregame, was disgraceful.  I'm actually kind of glad I didn't capture any pics of it.  denver fan?  You're off the hook.  And you're not only off the hook?  Wade -- boo the sh*t out of whatever the Colts bring next week, if its Indy at denver (and it will be).  

Because during the Colts' mascot's pregame sketch, he openly mocked a Chiefs fan sitting in the lower bowl (note: this was most assuredly NOT scripted, given both reactions), then threw a cream pie in said Chiefs fans face.  So be it.  That's tasteless, but doesn't cross the line.

But oh no -- Colts mascot had to cross that line.  Because he grabbed a conveniently placed full beer cup, and dumped it over the Chiefs fan already reeling from the cream pie.

And that wasn't enough.

The red "Power Towel" from the 2010 opener against San Diego?

Colts mascot literally wiped his ass with it, during the two minute warning timeout, in the first half.

Even Ty, the guy next to me, (who if I ever recap the game, you'll gain either a healthy hatred or appreciation for; there's no in between), even Ty thought that crossed every last line of decency.  The Colts mascot literally grabbed a red Chiefs towel and wiped his ass with it, Mark Mangino-style with a towel, for those of you in Lawrence.

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The National Anthem was performed by the Indy Philharmonic, and it was incredibly good.  

And there was a very loud and audible "home of the CHIEFS!", to end it, as some bald eagle came flying down to some trainers wrist.

I mean, really?  I hate to sound unpatriotic ... but for God's sake, it's a football game, indoors.  Do we really need a field length flag with a bald eagle to boot, at this point?


((paul page voice) WHOA!  BIG FLAG!  Image: Mona, via her digital camera.)

In all seriousness, the Anthem (you can see the Philharmonic in the front middle of that picture above) was amazing.

And this was your scene, at kickoff:


(Look at the non-blue folks.  Look at the non-blue.  (vice president biden voice) Folks!  A three letter word -- look!  L O O K look!  Especially to the center and right.  Photo: Mona, via her digital camera.)

And that gets us to kickoff.  Light a candle in hopes and prayers I can do a recap of the game itself ... and the drive home from hell itself ...

week twelve picks

The Statisticals. Last Week SU: 8-6-0. Season to Date SU: 98-62-1. Last Week ATS: 7-7-0. Season to Date ATS: 75-80-6. Last Week Upset / ...