four days out

"You're the whisper of a summer breeze;
You're the kiss that puts my soul?  At ease!
What I'm saying is?  I'm into you!

Here's my story, and the story goes --
You give love?  You'll get love!
And more than heaven knows!

You're gonna see!
I'm gonna run, I'm gonna try!
I'm gonna take this love right to ya!

All my heart!
All the joy!
Oh baby, baby please!

(Rush!  Rush!)
Hurry, hurry lover come to me!
(Rush!  Rush!)
I wanna see, I wanna see ya get free with me!

(Rush!  Rush!)
I can feel it!  I can feel you all through me!
(Rush!  Rush!)
Ooh!  What you do to me! ..."

-- "Rush Rush" by (Simon Cowell voice) Pauler Abdul.  And yes, that is THE Keanu Reeves, as her "rush rush" lover in the music video.  (Pause).  Yes.  Yes.  If you put a gun to my head?  1989-1991 is the greatest three years in music history ...

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(Some) Wednesday Updates!

(And that's all y'all get tonight; my day at work did not go as planned.)

* The Chiefs STM Email arrived about 11am today!

So ... the Chiefs are allegedly giving us only five hours to properly prepare for warfare ... and that's more like four, since we'll break down and head in by 1pm.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  You're godd*mned right I'm calling bullsh*t on that!

Those gates will be flung wide open by 8am at the latest.  Because we'll back Gates Six and Seven out onto Stadium Drive by 7:30am at the latest.

(Note: I have an email in to my "highly placed source who speaks only on the condition of anonymity", the awesome "Rufus" (again, why do I use ""'s around his actual name?), anyways, I've asked "Rufus" what he thinks of this email sent today.  For the record, he has never mislead me on Gate Six's opening time.  Based on past precedent?  I'd set the over/under at 7:45am, and bet the under.)

* At least they're not giving out a towel.  As my good tailgating buddy Ryan points out, we're 0 for forever, when handing out towels, entering a playoff game.  (The first 50,000 get a flag on Sunday.  La de f*cking dah; I have more Chiefs flags hanging in my office than pictures of my family ... and that's not a good thing, I think.  On the other hand ... I have the towel from 2016, both towels from 2017, and the towel from 2018 -- to say nothing of the towel from January 4, 1998 -- hanging on each shelf in memoriam of the season I absorbed said towel.  Yes, each season ended, with said towel give-away.  So ... go flag?)

* On the other hand, I'm bring this bastardo out on Sunday, as my John Thompson / Jerry Tarkanian Memorial "Bite the F*ck Out Of It" Stress Towel:

(From the playoff game in Houston (mike gundy voice) four! years ago.  Image credit: me, via my iPhone whatever the hell it was, (mike gundy voice) four! years ago.)

* Have to give a shout-out to my good friend Cindy, who managed to replace my Second Mom's floor mats in her Tahoe over the weekend, and said Mom didn't notice until this morning, when she texted me and asked "who the hell put the Chiefs mats in this thing?  I love them!"  Sadly, it wasn't my doing ... but kudos to people smarter than me.

* Travel Updates: "Uncle" Bob, "Cousin" Chase, and wherever the hell Pat fits in, arrive late Friday. 

Mahomies (most of them -- Chance lives here in the metro) arrives midday Saturday. 

We'll all be in line at Gate Six, by 7:30am at the latest.

* Bus Update: we've all seen the weather forecast for the next few days.  It ain't pretty.  (For those not in KC at this moment?  Rain and mid 50s Thursday.  Rain and mid 30s Friday.  Snow and mid 20s Sunday.  Somehow?  40 and sunny at kickoff Sunday.  As the artist formerly known as "the champ" would note?  "That's doable!")

So we're making our beer and liquor run tomorrow, loading the coolers tomorrow night (since it'll be below freezing from mid-day Friday until sometime Sunday morning), then turning that bastardo around, putting a tarp over the windshield, and will be ready to roll at 7am Sunday.

* The Menu has stayed the same.  Other than Mahomies checked in via Coltin, and emphasized that there will be authentic chorizo in the breakfast burrito mix.  (Pause).  Should I employ a Peter Griffin voice to state the obvious?  (Pause).  Yeah, I probably shouldn't have. 

Anyways, there you go.

* The Chiefs Jerseys went on the Founders in, uuh, Founders Plaza, this afternoon.  (43rd and Broadway, for the clueless.) 

Mahomes, Kelce, Mathieu.  15, 87, 32.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Kudos to Bunker (or whoever provided them; it's usually Bunker); it makes the drive in tomorrow, and Friday, and hopefully all next week?  Look so much classier. 

Also, tomorrow, there are flags and jerseys to be hoisted along the north shore of Ward Parkway, and along 47th Street on The Plaza ... and the Seven Foot Mahomes Bobblehead will be at the JC Nichols Fountain from 2-5pm CT tomorrow. 

(Or, as my brother would note -- given we took his wedding party pics at that park and fountain almost fifteen years ago: "they finally cleaned up after us!"  #truth)

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* Finally tonight, a quick personal note. 

(Note: if you are offended by personal take on your right to kill your kid abortion?  Check out now.)

Tomorrow, my mom turns seventy.

And tomorrow, marks the 43rd anniversary, of her taking me home, for the first time.

(That would be Sunday, January 9, 1977, for the calendar challenged.)

I drive by the place I was born many Monday's (January 3, 1977, at 10:58pm CT, according to my birth certificate) ago (St. Luke's on The Plaza or Westport, whichever you prefer) twice a day ...

... (mike gundy voice) four! times a day, if I head home for lunch.

So I just want to say, to the greatest person I will ever know ... Happy YOU Day, Mom.

You have tolerated far, far more out of me than any sane and/or reasonable person ever should.  I have failed you more times than I can recall or recount.  (Cue all of you saying the same response as Mom: "no sh*t, Sherlock!") 

I am for most days out of the year, the definition of "a Spring Break Mistake gone horribly wrong!" 

I wish I wasn't ... but I am.

And yet?  Here we are.

I can never express in words, how much I love you.  And that, is the greatest compliment I think I could ever pay you: I don't know HOW to express, what I think of you ... and what you mean to me.

For some strange and undefinable (if not indefensible) reason, you have never once failed to have my back, no matter how much of a f*ck up and failure, I have been.

That, is beyond awesome.

But mostly?

I am so effing thankful, you chose to not make me a Planned Parenthood statistical, because of that "Spring Break Gone Horribly Wrong".

(Note: the words in quotes, are a running gag between me and Mom.  #whyyoudontpullthegoalie) 

The world can never deny one fact about me.

You chose to have me.

Everyone reading this may question your wisdom of that decision (and to be fair, it's a, uuh, fair question)... but I never will.

Because you CHOSE to have me.

All of us drawing breath?

Owe our mothers an undying debt of gratitude, that we are here, and have survived the modern-day Holocaust that is Roe v Wade.

Thank you Mom, for choosing me, over yourself.  Thank you -- truly, thank you! -- for caring more about this "squatter invading your space slightly above the sexual Mason-Dixon Line", over the convenient "nah, I'll pass on this one" option, that you had still have the right to choose.

("maude" voice) God will (definitely reward) you for that.

I may not be certain of much ... but I am, of that.

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Oh, and until tomorrow one more time:

five days out

"Tell me what you really like;
Baby?  I can take my time!
We don't ever have to fight --
Just take it step by step!

I can see it in your eyes,
'Cause they never tell me lies.
I can feel that body shake,
And the heat between your legs!

You've been scared of love,
And what it did to you.
You don't have to run;
I know what you've been through!

Just a simple touch,
And it can set you free.
We don't have to rush?
When you're alone with me!

I feel it coming!
I feel it coming babe!
I feel it coming!
I feel it coming babe!

I feel it coming!
I feel it coming babe!
I feel it coming!
I feel it coming babe! ..."

-- "I Feel It Coming" by The Weeknd.  Oh hell yes, it's coming!  It's so coming, come 2pm Central Time Sunday afternoon ...

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The Chiefs and the Texans have met eleven prior times in their respective franchises' histories -- which given that the Texans aren't are barely old enough to vote yet * , and that the two teams do not share a common division, is quite impressive, actually.

The teams have split five apiece in the regular season, and the Chiefs have won the only playoff game up until Sunday (2015 Wild Card).  The Chiefs have a winning record at NRG Reliant (4-3-0 regular season; 1-0-0 postseason); the Texans have a winning record at Arrowhead (2-1-0 regular season, including Week Six of this season).

Here is a handy dandy spreadsheet detailing the eleven prior matchups, and other (possibly) relevant information about those matchups:

So, after a few quick updates as to where things stand for Sunday, here is one (not even remotely) talented blogger's opinion, on how these eleven matchups rank, worst to first.

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(*: I was going to say "old enough to buy cigarettes" ... but thanks to this ridiculous raise of the legal age to twenty one, they aren't.  Seriously, if you can't figure out putting something that is literally ON FIRE in your mouth is probably not good for you?  (Pause).  On second thought, this is probably a good thing.)

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Tuesday Updates:

* Still no STM Email Update from "de Los Jefes".  Hopefully tomorrow we'll get some logisticals out of these people.  It's hard to inform people of a departure time when you don't know your arrival time.

* So Wornall is closed (headed south anyways) at 59th Street, and you have to either turn right to Ward Parkway, or east to Brookside Boulevard, to get through to 63rd Street.  I know, I know -- road construction in my part of town.  Nothing new.  After all, I post the "Stevo Neighborhood Update" section of the picks post every week to b*tch about the construction in my part of town.

Having said that ... I dropped a few naughty words ** , and turned left, then right onto Brookside Boulevard.  And folks, let me tell you, that four, five block stretch, from 59th to Meyer?  Damned near every house has a Chiefs flag flying from it.  One house had yellow and red flowers all along the walkway -- and remember, it's January 7th in Kansas City!  Those bad boys had to be bought and paid for, to have a bloom, let alone life, at this time of the year!

Such a cool commute.

Also, the pedestrian walkway over Brush Creek in front of the Raphael is lined with nothing but Chiefs flags, "The Mural" on the south wall of The Ale House looks glorious in the early morning sunlight, and oh yeah -- the Seven Foot Mahomes Bobblehead will be at JC Nichols Fountain from 2pm-5pm CT on Thursday.

This city is damned near ready!

Now we just gotta get the folks at Bunker to loan a few jerseys to Founders Plaza like they usually do for the big games.  Those three fellas look naked without the Mahomes, Kelce, and Mathieu jerseys on them ...

* The menu has been decided!  I think.  And in true Stevo-style, we are compromising to make everyone happy enough to show up.

The "main course" Texan Tenderloin, that you can make sandwiches with, or eat as a primary dish on its' own, or use as a garnish for your Bloody Mary, whatever's clever -- we don't judge.

We'll also have a pot of either chili or taco soup, whichever one I feel like making Saturday afternoon, for those who think 40 at kickoff is "too cold".  (Hint: wager on taco soup.)

For the folks who desire to do breakfast, Mahomies is filling that void via breakfast burritos made to order.

And the Springfield folks are handling side items, dips, and desserts.

So there's your menu a hundred some hours out.

(Yo, Democrat National Committee!  When you have a brokered convention in six months?  I'm your man to settle the debate!)

* Also, Harry's apparently has a massive sale on craft and upper-echelon domestic beers.  The Second Mom and I are making a (todd snyder voice) B Double E Double R U N Beer Run!  Beer Run!, tomorrow after work.  I have a sneaky suspicion there's gonna be some Shiner Bock in my cooler (jimmy buffett voice) Come Sunday.

And ... that's all I've got.

On to the list!

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(**: specifically, I dropped my new favorite phrase, loudly: "son of a c*nt!", then pounded the steering wheel.  I had the roof open and the windows down on New Tito today (hey, it nearly hit 60 here today in the sun!).  The lady next to me at the stoplight, actually busted up laughing, hearing that phrase.  Whew.  I was scared she'd think I was referring to her, and chuck her Claw-in-a-discreet-cup at me.)

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I should note up front, looking at this, I only see three of these eleven I did not attend in person ... I think.  I know I was not there for the Sunday Nighter in 2005 (I could afford one of those back to back roadies (with two home games in between), Dallas or Houston, and I opted for Dallas), and I was not there for the Sunday Nighter in 2017 (I had just started my current job three weeks earlier, and couldn't take the PTO).

I'm also reasonably sure I was not there in 2003.  Although, you know, a decade of toking and imbibing tends to kill otherwise healthy brain cells.

The other eight I know I was in attendance for ... with nine upcoming on Sunday, and ten upcoming at NRG Reliant next fall (the Chiefs will play at Houston in the 2020 season).

Anyways, here's how I rank the eleven matchups so far ... and it's a safe bet, a hundred hours out, that Sunday will probably fall into the top three, by the time the game is over ...

11. Texans 24, at Chiefs 21, Week Three 2004.

No recap -- sh*t, this game was back when I was sending out the recaps on company email.  (Good Times! *** )  For personal reasons, this one will probably always rank dead last in any Chiefs / Texans game list countdown.  This was the last home game for Chiefs Football as I knew it growing up, and into my post-college years.  It seems impossible to believe this was over fifteen years ago now.

(***: as always, I can make any post porn-friendly ... or "greatest sitcom of all time" friendly.)

The only game that even comes close on the sh*t-o-meter?

10. at Texans 20, Chiefs 3, Week One 2007.

There's a recap for this one!  It was worse than you remember.  It was worse than I remember.  It was worse than anyone you can think of, can remember.  For like five brief minutes, we had a reason to believe.  Then Justin Medlock blew a twenty something yard field goal, Matt Schaub completed a few quality passes, and the next thing you knew, Clay Walker was informing us that he "knows what love is; what's it to you?" during his halftime performance, and after one of the most uninspired performances on the field by the Red and Gold I've ever had the misfortune to pay to witness, we emerged from NRG Reliant to a 93 degree afternoon ... and a monsoon.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well hell yes, that was the best part of the day!  You ever stand outside in the rain when it's hot as hell outside?  It's refreshing!  Why the hell do you think seeing Ben Harper on a 95 degree rainy evening back in 2006 ranks as one of my three or four favorite concerts ever, Ms. Non-Existent Editor Dudette?

9. at Texans 19, Chiefs 12, Week Two 2016.

This game was eight layers of awful on both sides.  But perhaps it's best remembered as Tyreek Hill's coming out party: he took a punt to the house for what would have been the tying score, only an extremely shady and questionable holding call negated the play.  (What is it with the 2016 season and "extremely shady and questionable holding calls negating the play", uuh, playing such a huge role on the season's final outcome?  Damn!)  Anyways, I'll trade a Week Two loss for the career Tyreek has had.  And I guarantee you every other Chiefs fan would as well.

8. at Texans 35, Chiefs 31, Week Six 2010.

I remember it rained the whole drive home, and I caught the flu and was in bed for a week.  I also remember the Chiefs led by two scores with four minutes to go, and somehow lost.

(peter griffin voice) I've had better days, Lois.  I've had better days.

7. Chiefs 27, at Texans 20, Week One 2015.

The first defensive play was a Marcus Peters INT.  Travis Kelce had two early touchdowns.  And yet, there stood Ryan Mallett, almost with a shot to tie the game.  I really believed 2015 -- and in the moment, that game -- was going to prove me right about Ryan Mallett.  Instead?  You guessed it.  I'm a f*cking idiot.

6. Chiefs 45, at Texans 17, Week Eleven 2005.

LJ had over two hundred yards.  The easy win set up two of the best home games of the century so far (26-16 over the Patriots; 31-27 over those people), and vaulted the Chiefs back into AFC West and AFC Wild Card contention.

(They'd fall one game short of either entry way, into the playoffs.)

5. Chiefs 42, at Texans 14, Week Three 2003.

All three units scored in this one for the Chiefs.  That's a complete team victory.

4. Texans 31, at Chiefs 24, Week Six 2019.

I hate ranking a defeat this high, especially one where the Chiefs led 17-3 after the first quarter, especially one that occurred less than three months ago, and really especially one where the rematch will occur in less than one hundred hours.  And yet, here we are.

Because Deshaun Watson was that awesome, in the second half.

3. Chiefs 42, at Texans 34, Week Five 2017.

Arguably the best game of "Sir" Alex Smith's Chiefs career.  Given my respect for that man, that's saying a lot out of me.

2. at Chiefs 17, Texans 16, Week Seven 2013.

I still stand behind every damned word of this post.  Even if, in hindsight, this was one royally "f*cked up eight ways from Sunday" weekend personally.

1. Chiefs 30, at Texans 0, AFC Wild Card 2015.

Ditto.  Except without the bat sh*t crazy personal stuff.

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Coming tomorrow (hopefully): a look at "Fat" Andy Reid's (shalamar voice) "second time around" against opponents in the same season.  (Note: not as good as I thought it would be ...)

And also, please keep my neighbor Joe in your thoughts and prayers.  I have to attend his brother, my other neighbor to the south, I have to attend his funeral tomorrow.  John passed away of cancer last Thursday.  He moved in two years ago to take care of Joe, who is also dying of cancer.  It will not be a happy day in South Waldo, I can assure you of that.

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Until tomorrow:

six days out

"Hey girl?
It's now or never!
It's now or never!
Don't overthink -- Just let it go!

And if we get together?
Yeah, get together?
Don't let the pictures
Leave your phone!

Yeah!
We'll be doing what we do!
Just pretending that we're cool!
And so tonight?

Let's go crazy, crazy, crazy
'Til we see the sun!
I know we only met,
But let's pretend it's love!

And never, never, never
Stop for anyone!
Tonight?  Let's get some!
And live while we're young! ..."

-- "Live While We're Young" by One Direction.

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And so, the first playoff game for the Red and Gold is set.  Deshaun Watson and his Houston Texans will be invading Arrowhead Stadium at approximately 2pm CT on Sunday afternoon.

Frankly folks, if you can't get geeked up to see Deshaun and Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" go at it for what I can only hope and pray is the first of many epic postseason clashes, then you should question whether or not you truly love this sport.

A few quick updates regarding Sunday (at least, the few details I know as of now), then a few cool statisticals I stumbled upon today regarding our Red and Gold that somehow, someway, has me even more fired up for Sunday than I imagined I could get.

And we're still six days out!

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* "Uncle" Bob, "Cousin" Chase, and however the hell Pat fits into the equation, are returning for this one.  They booked the flight and bought the tickets this morning.  I for one am thrilled by this: the Chiefs are 5-0 the last five times the Jersey branch of the "family" has shown up for a Chiefs game, including this year's 30-3 ass-whipping of those people in the snow.

As someone constantly looking for positive signs regarding this team, I'd like to think that their attendance?  Is a positive sign.

* "My Special Little Guy" is most likely attending his first playoff game.  That ... is awesome.  If he thinks Unca Teve is a tad bit insane for a random early November game against the Vikings, in the words of Bachman Turner Overdrive: "he ain't seen nothing yet!"

* No word yet on the menu.  We're honestly torn on this one.  Some of us want to do a breakfast theme, since it's easy to make, and easy to clean up, and let's face it: as has been noted about my tailgate many a time, "we're drinkers, not eaters".  But some of us want to do Tex-Mex, since it is a Texas team coming in.

Personally, I don't care; I tend to graze during tailgating, then chow down after the game.  But if I had to bet at this point ... sh*t, bet on a ton of Gates or Bryant's (or both!), with some Hooters wings thrown in for show.

* The weather looks about as perfect as you can ask for: mid 40s, little to no wind, plenty of sunshine.  Thank God.  Both playoff games last year sucked weather wise (especially Indy -- hey, you come home to no power for four f*cking days when it's in the single digits with a foot of snow outside, and tell me how you'd feel!), and the last three home games have been miserable weather wise (although beating the living sh*t out of those people in the snow, is amongst my five favorite Chiefs moments of the decade ... and certainly in my top twenty seven favorite Chiefs games ever).  So if you're on the fence on whether to "brave the elements" or not, please -- if you're rooting for the Chiefs?  Brave them.

(Doubt me on that?  Here's New Tito "braving the elements" on Day Two of Power Outage 2019 last January:

(image credit: me, via my iPhone X something.)

* I see we get Nantz and Romo.  Dammit.  I wanted "The Bird and the Beard".  Or, in a dream world, Kevin Harlan and Rich Gannon.  Oh well.  I guess expecting perfection for everything this week was a crack pipe dream anyway.

* No STM email yet, but I would wager the Chiefs will set the gate opening for 8am CT ... and they'll be wide, wide open by 7am, if not even sooner.  Speaking of which ...

* As of now, The Bus departs at 6am, for anyone who wishes to avoid paying whatever insane amount the Jackson County Sports Authority will charge for parking.  At last count there were nine riding out on The Bus, and eight riding out on Mahomies Bus.  Gonna be one fun tailgate!

* I plan to post an update every day leading into this, because I've rarely if ever been more fired up for a game than I am for Sunday.

I prayed it would be Watson vs Mahomes.  (Let's all hope and pray God didn't answer my prayer just to f*ck with me, because let's face it, that'd be a typical thing in my life.)  I got Watson vs Mahomes.  This is going to be ... hang on.

I don't get to haul this one out as much as I should.

Ladies and gentlemen, the late, great, Mr. Hugh M. Hefner!

(the late, great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner voice) Thanks Stevo!  Folks?  This is going to be something ... REALLY special!

Thanks Hugh.  Feel free to leave the robe behind for your good buddy typing this.

And today's update, or at least the close to it, is three awesome statisticals -- two of which I honestly didn't believe, when I first saw and/or realized them.

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* First, can you name the only team to reach the Elite Eight in the NFL postseason the last two years?

That's right peoples and peepettes -- it is your (and our) Kansas City Chiefs.

Last year's Elite Eight was the Patriots (eliminated Saturday), Chiefs (still alive), "Super" Chargers (failed to qualify), Colts (failed to qualify), Saints (eliminated Sunday), Rams (failed to qualify), Cowboys (failed to qualify), and Eagles (eliminated Sunday).

* Second, the Chiefs are guaranteed a rematch, no matter who they play, until they (please, God, please) reach the Super Bowl.

(And there's a fairly decent shot, they will face nothing but rematches, for as long as the season continues.)

Why, you ask, does that matter to me?

Because you give "Fat" Andy Reid a second crack at you, in the same season?

Good things tend to happen ... for the Chiefs * .

The Chiefs have already faced the Ravens, Titans, and Texans.  And on the NFC side, they've already faced the Packers and Vikings.

I love how this is setting up for the Red and Gold.  I absolutely love it.

(*: probably more on this on Wednesday.  I already have tomorrow's statisticals update locked and loaded.)

* Finally ... there are only two teams who have reached the NFL's Elite Eight four of the last five years.  One of those teams is your New England Patriots.

The other?

(norm macdonald voice) You guessed it -- Frank Stallone!

No wait -- you guessed it.  The Kansas City Chiefs:

You gotta love it.

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We'll meet again tomorrow, the Good Lord and my liver willing.

(Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well of course I know which one I'd bet on crapping out tonight!  And it ain't the Almighty ...