stevo's 2017 nfl predictions part tres: the fringe contenders ...

“Girl?  I’ve known you very well --

I’ve seen you growing every day.

I never really looked before,

But now?  You take my breath away.

Suddenly, you’re in my life --

A part of everything I do!

You’ve got me working day and night,

Just trying to keep a hold on things.

Here in your arms?

I’ve found my paradise!

My only chance?

For happiness!

And if I lose you now?

I think I would die!

Oh say you’ll always be my baby --

We can make it shine,

If we take forever?

Just a minute at a time!

More than a woman!

More than a woman to me!

More than a woman!

More than a woman to me! …”

-- “More Than a Woman” by The Bee Gees.  Sorry, but the Tavares version (which was the one released as a single) is just beyond sh*t folks.  Just beyond garbage …

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Welcome, peoples and peepettes, to Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ annual exercise in futility: my NFL Season Prognostications.

For those interested in last year’s craptacular guesses, here is the handy dandy link to those predictions.

For this year’s predictions post(s) … well, you’re gonna love this, or you’re gonna hate it.  The choice -- as always -- is up to you.

Because I thought I’d steal an idea that Terez Paylor used in The Star’s football preview on Sunday -- use a movie I love to set the tone for the season.  (Note: I believe Mr. Paylor stole this from Bill Simmons, but whatever.  I’ve never claimed to have a problem with liars, thieves, or cheaters -- just chicken sh*t cowards.)

In case you aren’t familiar with me, my favorite movie of all time … has held that designation, since the first time I saw the unedited version * of it, pushing three decades ago.  I wrote a paper in a Survey of Film class I took in college defending it as the greatest movie of all time.  I’ve posted before why I love this movie so much ** .  So, in yet another attempt to get those of you who have never seen it to give it a chance, the picks post(s) this year is using “Saturday Night Fever” as a framing device.

Hope you enjoy.  

And profit -- as always -- by wagering against everything I predict will occur.

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(*: normally I don’t much mind an edited version of a movie.  The differences aren’t that dramatic.  But the edited version of “Fever” is a national disgrace.  Don’t waste your time on it.  You have to have the unedited version, to grasp the full impact of this cinematic masterpiece.  (Pause).  And yes, this is where I warn you up front, this post will not be PG friendly.  Let’s just say, “Fever” is one of the most foul-mouthed scripts of all time.)

(**: six years ago, the scene referenced in the post was my favorite scene.  Now, it’s second.  The scene the movie should have ended on -- with Tony standing alone at the base of the bridge, as the events of the final night reach their climax (trying to not give too much away here) -- that’s now my favorite, because of the position it finally leaves Tony in.  Yes, there’s a real life reason why I feel this way.  Also, before you mock me for loving this movie this much, I remind you, “Fever” was the late, great Gene Siskel’s favorite movie of all time as well.  In the words of the person I’ve always thought was the Tony Manero in my life: “deal with it!”)

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Part Uno was The Also Rans.  The eight squads that I believe not only have no shot at the postseason … but no shot at finishing within two games of .500.  

Part Dos was The Mediocres. The eight squads that I believe will finish .500 (or close enough to it to qualify for the post).  

Part Tres: The Fringe Contenders. (That would be this post.) The eight squads that will contend for the four wildcard slots.

Part Quatro is The Champions -- your eight division winners.

And Part Cinco is The Playoffs -- how the postseason will play out.

(Pause).

You’re godd*mned right I’m padding the posting stats with this bad boy …

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16. New Orleans Saints.

Head Coach: Sean Payton (Power Poll Rank: 11).

Projected Record: 9-7-0, 3rd NFC South.

(Tony) You make it with some of these chicks?  They think they get to dance with ya!

Of course “Fever” has the sequence backwards -- you f*ck a girl before you dance with her.  (Or, as I’d argue, they’ve got it exactly right!  #morallybankrupt)  The Saints seem to have the sequence backwards too, in that there’s no balance.  They can drop 50 on anyone.  They also can give up 50 to anyone.

They have a brutal open to the season -- I have them at 1-3 at the bye, and I don’t think 0-4 is out of the question.  Three of four on the road, and the only home game is the defending champs.  Yikes.  I’d ask who the Saints p*ssed off in the league office, but I’ll take Bountygate for 600, Alex, as the answer to that one.

I think the Saints will be better than most people anticipate.  I just think an 0-3 / 0-4 start is going to bury them before they hit the stretch where they can bank some wins and climb back into contention.  Their margin for error entering December will be zero, and that is what will kill them.

Key Game: Week Fourteen at Falcons.  Winner makes the playoffs.  Loser sits out.

15. Tennessee Titans.

Head Coach: Mike Mularkey (Power Poll Rank: 30).

Projected Record: 9-7-0, 2nd AFC South.

(Stephanie) I didn’t know how to do stuff, and he’d show me what to do.  Then I’d go back to work, and everything would be alright.  Otherwise, I’d be walking around like an idiot, going “I don’t know!”  “I don’t know!”

Folks, if that comment does not completely and totally sum up Mike Mularkey and Marcus Mariota, I don’t know what could.

I have a couple great friends -- Andrew and Nicole -- that are Titans fans.  (They’ll be here Thursday for the preseason game.  They also had a bigger pair than me, and sat through that negative nine at kickoff debacle last December, as I stayed home under a comforter.)  Even they agree Mike Mularkey is a moron that will likely (stewie griffin voice) roo-een Mr. Mariota’s promising young career.

The Titans cannot waste a talent like Mariota with a moron like Mularkey.  They just can’t.  I have the Titans missing the last AFC wild card on tiebreakers due to strength of victory.  (Yes, the AFC three way clusterf*ck at 9-7 required me to calculate strength of victory.  Sweet Jesus.)

Key Game: damned if I know.  I have the Titans missing the playoffs in a three way clusterf*ck at 9-7 due to Strength of Victory tiebreaker.  (Yes, I calculated down that far.)  So I’ll say Week Twelve, at Colts.  The projected upset Colts win not only cost Tennessee a wild card, it cost them the division.

14. Baltimore Ravens.

Head Coach: John Harbaugh (Power Poll Rank: 9).

Projected Record: 9-7-0, 2nd AFC Norris.

(Tony, to his dad) I knew you’d p*ss on it!  Go on!  Just p*ss on it, alright?  A raise says, like, you’re good, you know?  You know how many times someone told me I was good in my life?  Two!  Twice!  Two f*cking times!  This raise today, and dancing at the disco!

(Turns to leave room)

(Tony, to his dad) You sure as f*ck never did!  Asshole!

Joe Flacco.  Enough said.

Key Game: Week Nine, at Titans.  Cost the Ravens a free and clear berth as the AFC’s sixth seed, and dropped them into a clusterf*ck of tiebreakers at 9-7 they couldn’t win.

13. Green Bay Packers.

Head Coach: Mike McCarthy (Power Poll Rank: 10).

Projected Record: 10-6-0, 2nd NFC Norris.

(Girl) Kiss me!

(Tony) (Ignores her).

(Girl) KISS ME!

(Tony) (Gives in).

(Girl) Ooh!  I just kissed Al Pacino!

How often you wanna bet Jordan Rodgers at least tries to pass himself off as the successful brother in the family, at whatever hookup club he sleazes his way into on a typical Tuesday?

Key Game: Week Seventeen, at Detroit.  Winner wins the NFC Norris.  Also, Week Two at Atlanta didn’t help things for the Packers either.  Win either of those two contests, and they’re goin’ streakin’!  I mean, going to the playoffs.  Win both?  And the NFC is coming to Lambeau throughout the month of January.

And now … your four wild card participants.

12. “those people”.

Head Coach: vance joseph (Power Poll Rank: 27).

Projected Record: 9-7-0, 3rd AFC West.

(Tony) Are you a nice girl, or a c*nt?

(Annette) Can’t I be both?

(Tony) No.  It’s a decision a girl’s gotta make early in life, if she’s gonna be a nice girl, or be a c*nt.

And now, we reach the portion of these prepared remarks where I have to deal with the team I hate more than any other in life -- “those people”.  A team I despise so much, I won’t even mention them by name, or location.  

And for the record -- I’ve yet to meet even one fan of this evil, vile franchise, that didn’t look at the road Tony laid out -- nice girl or c*nt -- and choose to become a c*nt.

Key Game: Week Seventeen, vs Chiefs.  Win and those people are in.  You can guess what I predict.  Also, I have denver opening 5-0, opening 7-0 at home … and needing a Week Seventeen victory to sneak in via Strength of Victory tiebreaker over Tennessee.  Let’s just say, I’m not sold on this pick.  At all.  

Again, “nice girls”?  Not a chance in hell, you people.  Not a chance in hell ANY of you people are “nice girls”.

11. Atlanta “Shane” Falcons.

Head Coach: Dan Quinn (Power Poll Rank: 8).

Projected Record: 11-5-0, T 1st NFC South.

(Annette) You wanna dream girl?  Well then go to sleep and have a f*cking nightmare!

Don’t read too much into Atlanta being the “last team in” in the NFC.  It’s much more a reality of Carolina avoiding Seattle and Dallas, than Atlanta struggling.

Key Game: Week Three, at Lions.  Had the Falcons won this contest, they’d have been the top seed in the NFC.

10. Arizona “Super” Cardinals.

Head Coach: Bruce Arians (Power Poll Rank: 7).

Projected Record: 11-5-0, 2nd NFC West.

(Sleazy DJ) I love the polyester look, man!

This team just feels … weird, doesn’t it?  I’m not quite sure what to think of the “Super” Cardinals.  They’re good enough to win the division.  They’re also scatter brained enough to crash and burn to 5-11.  If this is this group’s last gasp, I’m wagering on them having one last decent run in them, at least to the wild card round.

Key Game: Week Seventeen, at Seahawks.  Winner won the NFC West and potentially home field advantage throughout the playoffs; loser took a wild card berth.

9. oakland raiders.

Head Coach: Jack “Of The River” Del Rio (Power Poll Rank: 6).

Projected Record: 10-6-0, 2nd AFC West.

(Bobby) I have a friend.  I have a very good friend, and he got a girl pregnant.  And I wanted to know -- if you had to make a choice between getting an abortion and having to get married, what would you do?

(Stephanie) Well, who would I have to marry?

(Bobby) You’d have to marry me.

(Stephanie) I’d choose to get an abortion.

Somehow?  That’s not even the cruelest thing done to Bobby by his “friends” in this film.  It’s not even close, if I’m being honest.  But I mean, holy God, that is brutal.  That is just BRUTAL.  “Yeah dude, you suck so bad, I’d kill your kid rather than be with you again.”  BRUTAL.

Also brutal?  Has to be dealing with raider nation.  I mean, I won’t stoop to calling them the c-word, because that’s reserved for “those people” and (especially) their fans.  But man, are raider fans really that much better?  I mean, they’re all out on weekend furloughs.  They all arrived at your tailgate on a bike they stole from your kid.  And no doubt, they charged their crappy Bud Light on your MasterCard or Visa or AmEx. (Pause). Definitely AmEx -- no raider fan will ever qualify for approval from those fine folks.

Let’s just move on -- I get to deal with twenty plus of them, twice a year.  (Note: I love my raider nation friends to death … 363 days a year.  Twice a year?  It’s a struggle.  To be fair, I guarantee you the inverse is true, from their perspective.)

Key Game: Week Seventeen, at “Super” Chargers.  Had the raiders won it, it would have thrown the AFC West -- as well as the two, three, and five seeds -- into absolute chaos.  I chose to give the “Super” Chargers the upset to save me yet another “wait, how do you calculate Strength of Victory again” headache.

Next Up?  Part Quatro.  The Champions.  Your eight division winners, as well as the spreadsheets showing each team’s schedule run, division by division ...

chiefs! cards! where this hot as hell blogger deals with aging ...

"My guard stood hard when abstract threats
Too noble to neglect,
Deceived me into thinking
I had something to protect.
Good and bad, I define these terms,
Quite clear, no doubt, somehow.
Ah, but I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now.

I was so much older then,
I'm younger than that now ..."

-- "My Back Pages" by the Byrds.

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I will admit up front: I am completely and totally full of myself.  Some of you (ok, fine, most of you ... ok, fine, all of you) would argue I'm totally full of something else, that a creative non-cursing person would call "bull manure" or "farm fertilizer" (and that the cursers among us (hey, that's me!) would call "bullshit"), but regardless, I am a very vain person, nowhere more so than in my ongoing desire to avoid the fact that I will be turning 36 (aka "over halfway to 40!") the week of the wildcard round of the playoffs.

I hate the fact that I'm aging.  I absolutely cannot stand it.  Some people, and for sh*ts and giggles, let's call this person "Dusty J", this "Dusty J" guy?  Has no problems whatsoever with dealing with a few gray hairs settling on top of his head.  ("boasheao" voice) a few?!?!

Me?  Upon discovering my first patch of gray hair back in March, I instantly shaved my head as short as I could get it, and have been shaving it every 4-5 days ever since, to avoid even the appearance of looking a day over 25.

My long-winded intro point being, I am very sensitive about my age, and have been ever since I turned 30, arguably the worst day of my life*.  So, on a day when the "Third Generation" made its debut at Arrowhead, a day when all three living generations of men in my immediate family was in attendance, you can only imagine how I felt when, upon reaching my seat (my dad used my second ticket last night, great to see him out there for once!), said father handed me his program, and asked "have you seen our roster?"

(*: it's that, or my 21st birthday, which saw the Chiefs crap out at home in the divisional round to, of all teams, the (homer simpson voice) denver broncos?!?!  Oh, and my 16th birthday?  Saw the Chiefs lose 17-0 at San Diego in a wildcard game.  (stevo checking the calendar) 2013 falls on a Thursday, so we're good!  Whew!)

I responded "nope", because after all, (gregg voice) ITS PRESEASON!  I mean, I hadn't been to a preseason game in four years prior to last night, because, again, ITS PRESEASON!  It's crappy football at full price!  What's NOT to hate?

After my "nope" response, my dad then dropped the bomb of a lifetime on me.

"According to this (roster card), every player on the Chiefs roster, is 30 or younger!"

Wait.  WHAT?!?!  Or as I responded,

"Are you f*cking serious?"

Yes, peoples and peepettes, not only did I drop a f bomb in front of the old man (which wasn't the first time, nor probably the last) ... he was right!  The oldest player on our roster is 30 years old!

Talk about a buzz kill!  (And I had one helluva buzz going, thanks to some potent vodka and Gatorades in the pregame tailgate.)  Every damned player we'll be going to war with on September 9th, is AT LEAST five years younger than me!

Having noted up front the negative, let's hit on a brief recap, if only to round me into preseason form for 2012 ...

* Only four of us rode out yesterday, so we took the Blazer instead of the Bus.  Also, when Russ and I went up to the Bus to grab some chairs, it's, uuh, hell it's not even in preseason form.  It's in "just woke up after an all night boozefest, and I don't know the chick next to me, and oh sweet Jesus she's got a mustache!" mode.  Uum, not that two of the three descriptions in that last sentence have ever occurred to me one unforgettable night in January.  (The incorrect descriptive: I knew who said chick was.  Which makes the story even worse than it is ...)

* We got there a little bit before four.  Our normal spot had nobody in it, so we grabbed it, then set out chairs to start saving spots.  You know, like we always do.  Only it's a helluva lot easier to do it at 4 in the afternoon, than 8 in the morning.

* Same parking guy as last year, an (about) 25 year old guy who doesn't give a sh*t what you do, so long as you don't get him in trouble.  Also, two beers may or may not have exchanged hands in order to allow four cars without red reserved lot passes to park in said red reserved lot.

* Allow me to vent for a moment.  I hate, and I mean I HATE, these toolish "corporate tailgates" that are springing up all over Arrowhead, most of them in Lot H (right across from us).  Yesterday's toolish tailgate?  Was for some new radio station broadcasting on 107.9 FM.  It is a religious station.

Now, please, I am fully aware I have little to no use for religion, and one of my 53 rules in life is that "religion is the cause of 95% of the world's problems, and the solution to none of them".  So please, don't take this bitch as an anti-religion rant, because it's not.

It's a rant against someone buying up, and broadcasting on, 107.9.  Why, you ask, do I care about that?  Because it's the damned frequency we tune the iPod to for tailgating!  My FM tuner (our radio doesn't have an auxiliary option, sadly) allows the iPod to broadcast on any station in the 88's or 107's.  The 88's are no good, since three of the five options are in use.  But the 107's?  Up until yesterday, there was nothing above 107.3, so 107.9 broadcast as clear as a bell*!  Now?  I have no idea what we're going to do, because I couldn't get the iPod to clearly pound out sound to save my life.  Add that to the list of things to figure out in the next 29 days, along with "Mixologist's Season Opening Drink Concoction" and "Who'll Use The "F*ck Me, I'm Stuck Next to Stevo!" seat** for the rest of the season.

(*: your obligatory "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" reference of the post.)

(**: my dad used it yesterday.  "The Crush" has it for Atlanta.  Every other game is up for negotiation.  And trust me -- you have not LIVED until you have witnessed a game against the "evil empire" sitting next to me.  I apologize four months in advance to whoever gets the "privilege" of watching us play "those people" on November 25th.)

Back to the recap.

* Dusty and "Boasheao" were the next to arrive.  Clueless Stevo (hey, that's me!) got a text from them about 4:40 "are you in your usual spot?"  Again, being clueless, I replied "yeah, you all here", never figuring out until about 40 seconds later that "of COURSE they're here, that's why they sent the text dummy!"  So I go sprinting out just as they're pulling into the intersection, I let our parking nazi know they're with us, and beer number one may or may not have exchanged hands.

* Not even ten minutes later, my dad arrived.  Beer two may or may not have exchanged hands.  In true dad fashion, he overshot our tailgating location, missed the next island as well, and somehow wound up all the way down next to Roger and his crew almost half of Lot G away.  I fear we're rapidly approaching the "take the keys away" moment.

* Funniest moment of the tailgate -- when "Boasheao" notices my dad now drives a Nitro, compliments him on it, and my dad goes "yeah, it's my drug running car!"  Brought the house down.  (Search for the Nebraskapalooza recaps from last August for why that's so funny, I think it's in part I, but might be in the intro to part II.)

* No sooner do I manage to walk my dad back up half a parking lot to where he should have parked (and a shout out to Roger for letting us steal one of his saved spots), then Gregg and Cory walk up.  Not quite as memorable as the last time the two of them arrived (and an explanation of what a dugout is had to be done), but still, I hadn't seen my "Voice of Reason" in three months.  Which probably explains why this summer has seemed so freaking weird.

* Next up, the moment I was highly anticipating (although, for once, while not high) -- "My Special Little Guy's" Arrowhead debut!  He didn't know Grandpa was going to be there, so that was a neat surprise for him.  And yes, as much as I have no desire to marry and/or have children (I'll let you figure out which one I'm willing to cave on, and here's a hint: it ain't the latter), there is still no moment in life that makes me as happy as when the A-man sees his "Unca Teve", and runs up and bear hugs my leg.

* Also, from the "creepy friend" department, I should have noted a few paragraphs ago, the lovely "boasheao" looked beyond lovely yesterday.  If you want to wear that gorgeous Chiefs red top come November 25th, I can think of one blogger who'll appreciate it*!

(*: kellie voice) not a chance in hell Steve!  (cue the "stare of death" that would make Charlie Manson crap his pants)  And stop picking on my team!  I'm showing up in blue and orange, and I'm bringing reinforcements this year!  We're going to beat your asses and you're gonna have to take it from not just me, but my entire family!  And I'm gonna really enjoy seeing you eat it when we beat you guys November 25th!!!  You want to boo every broncos fan you see that day, like you always do?  My brother and my dad will let you know exactly what they think about that!  You plan on booing me again?  I'm gonna slap you into the middle of December!!!  And if you're dumb enough to even THINK about dragging out the lynched, speared with Arrowheads donkey again this year?  Just WAIT until my mom finishes with you!  (angry, mean grizzley bear voice) Stop!  Ripping!  My!  denver!  broncos!!!  (politest, kindest person in the world voice) Thanks, Steve!)

(And yes, that is pretty much how an argument with the nicest chica I know goes -- she gives you the death stare, verbally puts you in your place, then thanks you for the opportunity to do so.  I gotta admit -- I admire it!  No wonder DJ lets her fly the donkeys flag on GameDay.  I'd surrender too.)

(And sorry, but (sheriff in "hoosiers" voice) the lynched donkey stays.)

* After some pictures with my Special Little Guy (which are up on Facebook), it was time to head in.  I opted to not bring in anything, preferring to see how this ridiculous hand-held metal detector crap would work.  To my pleasant surprise?  It's as big a joke as KU Football security, which has admitted me as a "youth / senior" since I was 20, and ignored the pint of vodka bulging out of my pocket since I was 18 (rimshot!)  A plastic flask or bottle will easily avoid detection.  Whew.

* A neat feature as you headed in: they were handing out ice cream sandwiches!  I didn't have one, but let's just say, Ayden may have had more than his alloted share.

* It's preseason, so I'm not gonna lie and pretend I paid attention to anything after the first team offense was pulled late in the first quarter.  Hell, my dad and I wandered off to tour the Hall of Honor for the entire second quarter.  (I still think the coolest feature is the "every player in Chiefs history" feature, but I'm geeky like that.  Ooh, Stan Petry!  Wow, William Bartee!  Holy sh*t Batman, Bracey Walker!!!)  Which did lead to this funny exchange:

(my dad) (sees Steve Bono staring at him)
(my dad) (turns Bono photo away in a mean manner)
(stevo) what'd you do that for, pop?
(my dad) (pure rage in his voice) I hate that guy.
(stevo) why?  That guy paid for every Christmas gift I gave in 1996*!
(my dad) exactly.  (pause)  I think I'm still paying that bill off.

(*: for those of you who don't know ... I am the one, and arguably the only, defender of Steve Bono in the KC Metro area.  When Marty benched Bono after a disasterous home loss to San Diego in week 13 1996 (which dropped the Chiefs to 8-4, safely in as a wildcard at that point ... but also all but clinched the division for denver) for "Dick" Gannon, my dad called to note "at least now we have a real quarterback".  I replied "we'll miss the playoffs because of this".

So, of course, we make a wager, that the loser has to pay for $200 (or, as wound up being the case, much, much more) of the winner's Christmas gifts tab.  The Chiefs lose their last three, and miss the playoffs, thanks to that collapse, and Morten Andersen somehow missing a 19 yard field goal attempt in Jacksonville as time expired.  (pause).  You're damned right I went on a spending spree that may or may not have included gifts to myself.

Oh, and my reason why I defend Bono?  21.  8.  His record in games that count as a Chiefs starter in 1995-1996 before he was benched.  Really?  You're benching a guy who wins 3 out of every 4 starts?  That's ridiculous.  The Chiefs deserved the collapse they endured that year.)

* But the first quarter ... wow.  Literally, wow.  I've argued all offseason that the single best move any team made over the last eight months was the Chiefs upgrading at the offensive coordinator position by hiring Brian Daboll.  A man who turned crap that stinks worse than two week old garbage such as Derek Anderson, flotsam and jetsum such as Matt Moore, and washed up afterthoughts like Reggie Bush and Peyton Hillis into legitimate Pro Bowlers (aka "not a replacement, but an actual first ballot selection Pro Bowler"), well, imagine what he can do with Jamaal Charles, the Three B's at wideout, and the Fourth B at tight end!

I spoke with "The Voice of Reason" earlier today, and he noted "have we ever seen a better offensive outing in a preseason game?"  And the answer, honestly, is no.  Look it, the Al Saunders years were incredible.  The 2002 Chiefs are the greatest offense ever assembled.  (And the worst defense ever to take the field, hence the 8-8 record).  But everything we did in preseason was vanilla.  The Paul Hackett years were underrated and under-appreciated in hindsight, but again, like Saunders, Hackett held back in preseason.

Daboll didn't really showcase much last night either ... but we absolutely lit up the Cardinals like a joint at a Ben Harper concert.  They couldn't stop the first team offense.  Two drives, both 70 plus yards, both less than 6 plays, both ending in touchdowns.  The last time I saw a start like that out of the Chiefs, honestly?  Was the season opener against the Jets in 2005, when we ran the EXACT SAME PLAY (offtackle right left) three straight times, for 78 yards and the touchdown.

The mark of a great offense, is when the defense knows exactly what's coming at them, and is powerless to stop it.  Brian Billick's Vikings offenses were like that in the mid to late 1990s.  Ditto shanarat's offense in the later elway years in denver, the Saunders years here in the early 2000s, and going back a ways, Norv Turner's offenses in Dallas to open the 1990s.  The Cardinals appeared to be well-defensed last night, and couldn't stop the first team offense.  That's a very promising sign.

* Also promising: I thought Quinn was decent.  I thought Stanzi was horrific.  I'm not gonna lie -- if Ricki Stanzi is on the field for a regular season game this fall, and said game is not being led by at least 36 points at the time he takes the field?  We're in deep deep trouble.  It's why I want Quinn to win the backup slot -- he's not great ... but he's not Tyler Palko, he's not Ricki Stanzi.  Brady Quinn can win you a game or two if he has to.  Ricki Stanzi can't. Glad to see the backup battle go for one night as I want it to wind up.

* We stuck it out until about 5 minutes to go.  The only memorable moment of the postgame was when I sprinted up on DJ and Kellie having a moment, spurring the "you always ruin our fun!" comeback.  Sorry, I forgot -- we do tailgate in Lot G, the "casual encounters" capital of Arrowhead Stadium.  I'll try to do better.

* I crashed in the most comfortable bed known to man last night, aka "the guest room" at Russ and Mona's. I'm telling you, that bed is beyond comfortable.  The mattress is so freaking soft, and the pillows so perfect ... put it this way.  I'm conditioned enough at this point, that I'm wide awake, no matter what day of the week it is, by 6:15am when I sleep in my bed.  It's habit*.  I literally could crawl into my bed at 4:30, and be wide awake two hours later, watching some "Law and Order" rerun on TNT.

(*: if you don't believe me, ask anyone who's ever been on a float trip with me.  I am WIDE AWAKE by 6:15am.  Last year, I was ordered outside by people who wanted to sleep, because I was laughing too hard at the "Family Guy" episode I had queued up on my iTunes while waiting for the fellow floaters to wake up.  Damned (joe biden voice) four letter word known as a "job".)

I went to bed last night a little bit after 11pm ... and the next thing I know, it's 10:30am, and my phone is blowing up with text messages from friends about Paul Ryan's nomination as the Veep on the Romney ticket.  And before you drop the "you were probably drunk" rebuttal, I would reply with "yes ... I'm ALWAYS going to bed drunk!"

* And with that, recap uno of the season draws to a close.  If it was rambling, incoherent, absolutely non-sensical at points?  ITS PRESEASON!  I've still got 29 days until these things count!  (johnny bristol voice) hang on in there baby!

chiefs! cards! quick recap!

Yup, its more senseless optimism! As I'm probably the only person who can take what we witnessed on Saturday and find some positives in it.

* We arrived at 2:50ish ... and weren't even close to being the first ones waiting in line. Anyone who says this isn't a football town, is as delusional as I am. And I'm scared to answer the door for fear a couple doctors in white coats from Charter or Two Rivers will be on the front porch ...

* The Star said the gates would open at 4. The Chiefs website seemed to indicate 3:30. Gates were wide open by 3:10. (tony bruno voice) Beautiful.

* You can't ask for better weather than what we had. Well, ok, I can, it wasn't hot enough for me. But mid 80s and sunny, that's a damned good day to fire up the grill, crack open a cold one, and tailgate away.

* I know its preseason, and no doubt once the real deal gets going people will come out of the woodwork ... but man was that place empty. For tailgating, we had 7 people ride out ... and one of our 7 was a newbie who'll likely make 1, maybe 2 regular season games this year. Gregg was there, as was Ashley, but his folks weren't. No sighting of Jason and his other half. Once again, like "Sur" William Callahan's defense last year, Brent was nowhere to be found.

(I kid, I kid. About comparing Brent to Bill Callahan's defense. Brent, sadly, was nowhere to be found, once again, on gameday. As the great KU football ad asked a few years ago, "Where Will You Be on Gameday?" In Brent's case, the answer clearly is "on the couch with Megan". On second thought, I apologize again, if I had that option, I'd bail on preseason action too for, uuh, some "quality time" on the "couch". Lucky man, that Brent is. Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, lack of fans in attendance).

Inside the stadium, if there were 50,000 there at kickoff I'd be stunned. There were plenty of good seats available in 131 / 132. I suspect that will be a recurring theme this year. Unless everyone in KC starts drinking the Brodie Kool Aid and hops on the bandwagon (population two). Which reminds me --

* two updates / corrections from my "senseless optimism" column last week. First, I am fully aware that Troy Aikman is retired, has been retired for 7 years, and isn't going to play this year. I included him (a) for historical reference, and (b) because I guarantee you at least some Chiefs fans would rather have a 7 year rusted arm of Aikman under center this fall than Brodie. Which is sad. But probably true.

And two, I apologize: I'm not the only one who'll be out there through thick and thin. I apologize again to the ex-roommate. The single most die hard fan I know. Plus, Gregg is actually, you know, sane. He can answer the door without fear of some "medical facility's finest" being on the other side. So he has that going for him.

* The whole "show up early, could be issues getting in" articles flying around ... what a crock of, uuh, dung. I headed for the gates at 6:20. I was in my seat by 6:35. And that includes stopping for the first round and to pee. Which reminds me --

* I haven't adequately blasted the Chiefs organization for the abject travesty, embarrassment, and outrage that is the section 132 beer stand. Hell, its past outrage status, its almost to "Steve Marches on the UN to demand sanctions" status.

Up through the Bengals home opener in 2006, that was the single greatest beer stand ever. A wonderful woman by the name of Christine manned the station since ... well, for as long as I've been legal. She was kind, she was friendly, she wouldn't tolerate ordering incompetence, my kind of girl.

And she always -- ALWAYS -- gave me the "Steve special", Boulevard Pale Ale in the 24 oz Bud Light glass for the 16 oz Bud Light price. In return, she got the difference in the form of a tip. Its win-win. For 5, 6, pushing 7 years, that was as good as it got. I'd even tell whoever I brought to the game with me when they'd go to buy a round, to just tell Christine "I'm with Steve". Worked every time, even for them.

(Note: yes, I too am frightened by the solid relationships I tend to enjoy with my liquor vendors. I had Jack at Big Daddy's Wines and Spirts in Lake Arlington. I had Al at Jack's Discount Liquors when we were in the 'Woods. For years I had Jennifer at Matchette Liquors, who rented us kegs and sold us the liquor at wholesale prices for the annual Blow Up the Backyard Beer-BBQ Bonanza ... and for just about any occasion actually. She effing ruled. I had Christine at Arrowhead. I had Chris up at Twisters. I had Bree at Zig and Mac's. I'm on a first name basis with our beer vendor in 131 by name, even shoot the sh*t with Archie when he's got my section at Kauffman in the summer. And now, I've got Zamed at the Party Shop in the Apple Market. I'm not sure there's a lesson here, I'm just saying, it can be a good thing to know your adult beverage supplier. Anyways, back to my point, which was ...)

We had a great situation in 132. Then, between the Bengals and 49ers game that September ... the Chiefs redid the beer stand setup, removing the taps, going to straight plastic bottles ... and they moved Christine. Which pissed me off to no end. (I still haven't found her again. Which sucks. I'd walk out of my way to restore that relationship).

But I dealt with it. Its how I roll.

Until Saturday.

When "Coke", "Diet Coke", "Sprite", every non-alcoholic beverage available there in the past, is no longer available unless its part of a drink.

What. The. F*ck?!?!

So, I stroll up, and this is pretty much how it went:

(vendor dude) (rudely) yes?
(steve) (happier than dusty on 420 day) hey how are you! Uuh yeah, 2 Coors Lights and a Coke please.
(vendor dude) can't do that.
(steve) (stunned) huh?
(vendor dude) sir, I can't sell you that.
(steve) (thinks he gets it) oh, ID, I got it! Here you go! This is kind of neat, nobody asks me for this anymore! (reaches for wallet)
(vendor dude) (visibly hacked) no, sir, we no longer sell Coke individually. You have to purchase alcohol with it.
(steve) (befuddled) really?
(vendor dude) yes. Now, what do you want with your Coke.
(steve) well, its not for me, so I guess I don't need it.
(vendor dude) ok, 14.50.
(steve) for what?
(vendor dude) the Coors Lights.
(steve) f*ck that. I gotta get a Coke to go with them. (leaves for main concession stand in 134)

You would think I'd be happy at a concession stand that refuses to sell non-spiked drinks. Hell, I thought I'd be flipping out like ... well, like Carl Edwards after a win. But it sucks when the person sitting next to you just wants a Coke. So once again, thank you Carl Peterson, for poking, prodding, ramming, (insert, uuh, insertion term here) a stick up this loyal, die hard season ticket holder's ass. It felt ... well, as ridiculous as every other damned thing you've done to screw over the people you owe every cent you've ever made to. Your mommy must be so proud.

* KC Wolf: I have no idea what he was doing. I have no idea why he's still there. I'm like Admiral Stockdale in the debates in 1992, I'm clueless, confused, and ready to move on.

* National Anthem: in a word, average. The kids from Operation Breakthrough performed. They get my money every pay period. Solid, quality charity everyone should support. But just average.

* Still no introduction of our head coach. 57 games and counting since I last cheered our head coach in pregame intros, dating to denver in week 7 2002.

* I'm really not going to offer in-game analysis this week, partly because its preseason and doesn't ultimately matter, partly because I'm tired and want to go to bed. I'll simply say, I was fine with the starters performance. They left in a tie game against a legitimate NFC playoff contender. I'm good with it. LJ looked good, the OL looked at least league-average (all I'm asking for). The Brandon Brothers did the job at CB. Barth and Novak will be an interesting decision, both were good. Dantrell Savage returned a kick for 45 yards ... the longest return by a Chiefs since Dante Hall's TD against the 49ers in week 4 2006. (Yeah, the "F*ck" Ed Drummond era was that bad).

Instead, I want to close on a celebratory, reflective note. A look back at a great ... "Chiefs Tailgating Moment".

* Saturday's game was played (of course) on August 16, 2008. The last time the Chiefs played on August 16th was in 2003. It was the last double header day, Royals and Chiefs playing at home on the same day.

It was a perfect, I mean beyond perfect, "Steve Day". It was well above 100. The sun was shining. Hell, it was hot enough that I wasn't the only one with the shirt off, and that never happens, I'm almost always the only one in the group that white trashes it up once there's 3 numbers in the actual temperature.

Or two number when the first one of them begins with a 9.

But what made this day, what makes it stand out in the annals of history, is ... the between-games tailgate.

When my family uplifted "tailgating" to a whole new level. Or descended it, depending on your point of view. To review:

The Royals have just gotten drilled by the Twins to have their lead in the AL Central cut from 2 games to 1 with 40 to go. The Chiefs are preparing to face the Vikings.

Me, Gregg, Jasson and his other half have spent the previous 5 hours watching the Royals / Twins game, hitting the players entrance, and getting out of paying to park again. (Hooray us!) Finally, we head back up to the cars to tailgate.

Gregg's folks and sister arrive. Tailgating continues. It gets to be about 5pm and my brother calls, he's finally arrived with my uncle. They're on their way up to tailgate.

Drew and my uncle show up, lugging a gigantic cooler between them. They came prepared. Boy, did they come prepared.

(Note: in my family, we joke that we have two official mottos: (1) the family that drinks together, stays together, and (2) its never too early for the first drink of the day. Again, another pointless note, just background filler, but moving on ...)

So Drew and my uncle set the cooler down. My uncle winds up sitting on the cooler. After an opening round of beers ... my uncle reaches into the cooler and pulls out the huge 1.75ml bottle of Jim Beam.

(Note again: growing up, my folks always had the 1.75ml of Jim Beam above the dryer. Allegedly it was for my uncle and my grandma when they'd stop by, but that used to always just kill me. Can't drink around the kids in case we'd turn out ... well, like we did, but hell, put a bottle in obvious sight where anyone who's doing laundry can see it ... its all good.)

So, anyways, my uncle pulls the huge bottle out, takes the cap off, and is ready to take a swig straight from the bottle. Here's where I forget one slight detail. I forget if it was Gregg's mom or Jason's other half who looked at him with a "what the f*ck, straight Beam on a 105 degree day?!?!" look ... but my uncle saw the look.

Apparently, he thought he understood what the look was conveying. So, he did what any one of us would do.

(not really).

He set the bottle down, reached into the cooler ... and pulled out an army-issued tin cup to pour the Beam into. Then proceeded to drink the Beam the rest of the afternoon / evening from said tin cup, refilling it as needed.

A freaking tin cup. At tailgating.

The only thing you can say to respond to that, is what I said entering the stadium Saturday night.

Season. Freaking. On!

Not sure if I'll live blog Miami on Saturday night or not, because my favorite NASCAR race of the year is on at the same time (the night race at Bristol) so I'll probably have the split screen / dual TVs going. But I might be convinced if there's enough of a demand ...

And to answer two "loyal readers" questions, yes ... I will live blog at least one night of the DNC. I'm leaning towards Tuesday, since that's when Hillary speaks (and hopefully sways the delegates to stand with her through the first ballot on Wednesday, to save our party from electoral ruin in November). But I'm also liking Wednesday as an option, since its arguably the single greatest political day of my lifetime, assuming you can't trust Bill and Hillary to keep the "oh yeah, we'll release the delegates" promise. Hang on ... (steve setting up cspan to tivo on wednesday august 27 ...)