chiefs week seventeen rooting interests

"Oh come, all ye faithful,

Joyful and triumphant.

Oh come ye, oh come ye

To Bethlehem.

Come and behold Him!

Born the King of Angels!

Oh come let us adore Him!

Oh come let us adore Him!

Oh come let us adore Him!

Christ!  The Lord!!! ..."

-- "O Come, All Ye Faithful".  If I've said it once, I've said it at least four thousand times: Indy will never be the same, without Jim and Flo ...

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And so, here we are.  One week left in the regular season.

In the AFC, the only seeds locked in are the first (Ravens) and the fifth (Bills).  Our Chiefs can finish anywhere from second to fourth.  The Patriots can finish second or third.  The Texans can finish third or fourth.

And barring something unforeseen at this point, the sixth seed (and hopeful likely possible sacrificial lamb to the Chiefs to open the postseason) will be earned not on the field ... but via strength of victory tiebreaker.  Not even I could have drawn up something so spectacular for Week Seventeen, like what we've got: a very realistic four team parlay to get the raiders into the playoffs.

In the words of the Zac Brown Band: "life is good today.  Life is good today!"

Here is where we stand entering the regular season finale:

And here, for the final time in 2019, are your Chiefs Rooting Interests.

* Biggest Game: Dolphins at Patriots (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  I really thought the Bills were gonna do it Saturday night.  Alas, they fell one score short, keeping the Patriots locked into the two slot, and the bye that comes with it ... for now.  

To clinch the two seed and the bye, all the Patriots have to do, is something they have done every season for ten years and counting: score (at least) one more point in Foxboro, than the Dolphins do.

Look it, I'm not optimistic the Dolphins can do this.  For cocktails, the Patriots have already beaten the Dolphins by forty three points in Miami.  For appetizers, the Dolphins haven't beaten a team with a winning record (whoops: Philly is now 8-7!), and nearly p*ssed away a twenty five point lead with seven minutes to play yesterday to the worst team in football.  For the main course, the Patriots never lose divisional games at home.  And for dessert, the last time the Dolphins won in Foxboro, Matt Effing Cassel started for the Patriots.

I see no sane, rational reason to hope for anything positive to happen here.  

And yet, this is the first domino that has to fall, to sort out the AFC.  Because if the Patriots do what anyone with an IQ above that of a corpse expects them to do on Sunday (namely, get up 24-0 at halftime), then decisions have to be made at Arrowhead (in real time) and NRG Reliant (an hour or so later), regarding Patrick "Mahomes" of the Chiefs and Deshaun Watson.  And those decisions -- especially the one Bill O'Brien will be making shortly after 3pm Sunday -- are going to affect a lot of team's playoff hopes and chances.  To say nothing of their own team's seeding hopes and chances.

Root For: Dolphins.  Duh.  Just don't get your hopes up.  Remember, the Chiefs absolute rock-bottom, worst case scenario, is hosting Buffalo next week.  (Well, actually, our absolute rock-bottom, worst case scenario is hosting Buffalo next week with Chad Henne under center, but let's all hope and pray that doesn't happen.)  

We're playing at least once in January for the fifth straight year, and playing at least once in January at home, for the fifth straight year as well.  (Assuming you count the 2015 regular season finale as a January home game, and since it was played on my 39th birthday, you're damned right I count it.  Also, my 44th birthday will be the regular season finale next season.  Let's all hope and pray it's against those people at Arrowhead.)

* Second Biggest Game: Titans at Texans (Sunday, 3:25pm CT, CBS).  This game has huge ramifications for the Chiefs, no matter what happens in our game.  If the Chiefs win Sunday, then they can do no worse than the three seed, leaving the Texans with nothing to play for but pride ... and to knock Tennessee out of the playoffs, which matters because if the playoffs started today, the kryptonite known as the Titans would be our first opponent.  The Chiefs have lost five straight to the Titans, most in embarrassing fashion (including six weeks ago in Nashville).

Conversely, if the Chiefs lose on Sunday, then Houston is playing for the three seed, and a chance to avoid the vs Buffalo / at Baltimore draw that they have little shot of surviving.  (The Ravens already destroyed the Texans by five touchdowns last month ... although for what it's worth, I think Buffalo is a paper tiger, a 1995 Detroit Lions.  Teams are fearing them for no credible reason.)

* Root For: Texans.  I think.  I'm basing that on my belief that the Chiefs will take care of business against the Chargers on Sunday * .  That, and the only team in the entire AFC field that truly terrifies me is the Texans ** .  I'd rather host them in the Title Game, than have to go down there, should we meet up on MLK Weekend.

(*: how weird is it, that if the Chiefs lose Sunday, they'll finish 4-4 at home?  For all the talk about Terrorhead, it's been very, very ordinary this season.  (Pause).  Of course, the flip is that the Chiefs went 7-1 on the road (the only loss by three in Nashville), which is probably a good thing when you'll likely have to win twice on the road, to get to Miami *** .)

(**: yes, I mean that.  The ONLY playoff (or possible playoff) team the AFC has to offer that scares me, is the Texans.  Because we know they can win at Arrowhead.  They did it two months ago.  We know Lamar Jackson can't handle us in peak bat-sh*t crazy crowd form.  We know we can beat Tom Brady anywhere.  (Or lose to him anywhere as well, but whatever.)  The ONLY AFC squad that terrifies me, is Houston ... because Deshaun Watson is that damned good.)

(***: go ahead, sing it.  "Pat Mahomes!  Take Me Home!  To the Place!  We Belong!  Kansas City!  To Miami!  Take Me Home!  Pat Mahomes!"  Whoever wrote this is a f*cking genius.  "Franchise QBs?  Changing Like the Leaves!  Huddled At the Goalline?  Shouting "Let's Go Chiefs!"  Pat Mahomes!  Oh Take Me Home!  To the Place!  We Belong!  Kansas City!  To Miami!  **** Take Me Home!  Pat Mahomes!"  Absolute genius.)

(****: also, if the Royals victory parade drew 800,000 people (or one out of every three that live in the KC Metro area), then brace for three million, come the first Tuesday in February, 2020, to flood Penn Valley Park and every available inch of space surrounding it, if the Chiefs win up winning their final ten games this season.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Good point -- their final nine games, if the Dolphins pull off the impossible on Sunday.)

* Third Biggest Game: Steelers at Ravens (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  John Harbaugh came out today and said he was resting his starters.  I still don't think it'll matter.  They'll easily handle the Steelers, to eliminate them from postseason consideration ***** .  

(*****: of the three wild card contenders, I believe the Titans are the only one who can lose, and still get in (if everybody else loses too).  If the raiders lose, they are officially done.  (Ditto if the Colts lose -- more on them momentarily.)  If the Steelers lose, I believe they're also toast, because the Titans and raiders both hold Strength of Victory tiebreaker over them. 

Oh, and as for the "wait, how are the Colts out of it at 7-8 but the raiders are in it at 7-8" question, this one I do know, because it is essentially how the Chiefs got in, in 2006, via the Immaculate Fourfecta in Week Seventeen.  The Colts reaching 8-8 and tying the Titans at 8-8 eliminates Tennessee via divisional record (you eliminate within the division first).  It's why the Colts have to win, to get the raiders in; otherwise, the Titans would finish a game ahead of Indy, and render a divisional tiebreaker meaningless.  Also, how f*cking awesome are NFL tiebreakers!!!!  Not even fifteen year old me had this (brett voice) vivid of an imagination.)

Root For: Ravens.  Chaos, kids.  Chaos.  Also, there's a high likelihood we're going to get a Paxton Lynch sighting on Sunday afternoon for the Steelers.  Remember kids -- those people traded up to get him four years ago, and he couldn't beat out trevor siemian, who couldn't beat out "Brave" Brock Osweiler.  

(Please, those people -- never fire the antichrist.  So long as horse face is running your franchise, the only place you're going, is to a deeper layer of hell itself.)

Other Rooting Interests.

* Jets at Bills (Sunday, noon CT, CBS): Jets.  #firegase  #righteffingnow  Also, allow me to say, Buffalo does not frighten me, like it does a lot of people.  I would much rather face the Bills than the Titans.  But man, am I hoping and praying the opener is the raiders (if we have to play on Wild Card weekend).

* Browns at Bengals (Sunday, noon CT, CBS): riots in the stands amongst the fans ****** Browns.  The Bengals have already clinched the top pick in each round of The Draft.

(******: Sam Wyche is the best.)

* Colts at Jaguars (Sunday, 3:25pm CT, CBS): Colts.  If Indy loses, the dream of raiders at Chiefs next Saturday night drops dead.  And I'm not going to be happy, if the only reason I'm deprived of my dream playoff match up, is because a Jags team that quit in training camp rallies to "win one for Marrone".  (Pause).  Oh who am I kidding.  Colts big, peoples and peepettes.  The Colts won't screw this up.

* raiders at those people (Sunday, 3:25pm CT, CBS): terrorist attack raiders.  It's all there for you oakland.  You will take the field -- no matter what happens in the noon window -- still alive for the playoffs.  Just do your part, and trust the rest to work itself out.

After all, in the words of Stevo's Site Numero Dos' Official Color Commentator (Emeritus), the legendary Dan Dierdorf: "we've seen it before!"

(Well, not quite -- the Chiefs only needed eight outcomes across two weeks to reach the playoffs thirteen years ago.  The raiders need nine.  We got our eight.  They've gotten the first five.  C'mon raider nation -- you can do this!)

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And with that, the rooting interests posts for 2019 are over.  This season went by way too fast.  (Then again, all of 2019 went by way too fast.)

To everyone reading this: all the best this Chrismukkah season to you and yours, whoever and wherever you are.  Hug the hell out of those you love; smile politely and chug that pinot grigio as you tolerate those you don't.

And spoil the hell out of the kids -- naughty, nice, or (like me) straddling the line between the two on a daily basis.

Take a few minutes to remember why this amazing holiday exists.

(Other than Woodstock, Linus was always my favorite.)

And above all -- hey!

(sgt. esterhaus voice) Let's be careful out there ...

chiefs week sixteen rooting interests

"Hark!  The herald angels sing!
Glory to the Newborn King!
Peace on earth, and mercy mild;
God and sinners?  Reconciled.

Joyful all ye nations rise!
Join the triumph of the skies!
With angelic hosts proclaim?
Christ is born!  In Bethlehem!

Hark!  The herald angels sing!
Glory to the Newborn King! ...

-- "Hark!  The Herald Angels Sing!".

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It's hard to believe there's only two weeks left until the postseason begins.  The Chiefs are comfortably in the (hootie johnson voice) toonumunt; the only question now is whether they can steal a bye, or are destined to play on my 43rd birthday weekend.

(Note: I'm rooting for the former ... although the latter wouldn't suck.  Well, other than the whole "turning 43" part.  But hey -- my brother just turned 40, and my mom is about to turn 70.  It could be worse!  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well, yes!  I am fully aware the Chiefs were shut out on my 16th birthday, lost the most painful defeat of my existence on my 21st, whizzed away the Immaculate Fourfecta on my 30th, authored the second greatest collapse in postseason history on my 37th, and ultimately fell one game short of possible greatness on my 39th.  Other than that, yo -- being a Chiefs fan is f*cking awesome!)

Anyways, let's move on, shall we?

Here are your AFC standings as of this fine Tuesday afternoon:

(*: the Texans should have tiebreaker over the Titans, not themselves.  My apologies.)

And here are your games of importance, with your Chiefs Rooting Interests:

* Biggest Game: Bills at Patriots (Saturday, 3:30pm CT, NFLN).  Thanks to the ridiculous p*ssing match between DirecTV Now (or AT&T Now, or whatever the hell that shady ass corporation feels like naming itself today) and the NFL Network, I'll have to find a bar to watch this one.

Which is fine; I live in Waldo for a reason, for crying out loud, and it isn't the affordability of the housing, or the convenience of the location.  (Pause).  Well, ok, that last one is true, but definitely not the former.

Realistically, this is probably the Chiefs best chance to steal the bye.  And in fact, the Chiefs will know exactly where they stand at kickoff Sunday night, because they are the last AFC team to, uuh, kick off in Week Sixteen.  (The Monday Nighter is Packers at Vikings, which should be phenomenal.)

We'll know by kickoff if the Browns can upset the Ravens for the second time (more on this below), if the Texans can clinch the AFC South and all but eliminate the Titans (more on this below), and if the Bills can do what the Chiefs just did two weeks ago: go into Foxboro and dominate an inferior opponent, like good teams do.

* Root For: Bills.  Again, this is the most realistic option to obtain a bye: the Bills storm into Foxboro and spring the upset, while the Chiefs win out.  However ...

... there is one still semi-plausible, dare to dream it, almost bat sh*t crazy enough to possibly be realistic, back door scenario that would completely throw the AFC bracket into abject chaos ...

* Second Biggest Game: Ravens at Browns (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  And that is if the Browns -- who are still (barely) credibly alive in the battle for the six seed -- can hold serve at home and upset the Ravens.  (The Browns already won in Week Four in Crab Cake City, 40-25.)

The Ravens close with the Steelers at home, and the Steelers cannot clinch a playoff berth this weekend, even with a win at the Jets.  They will be in must-win mode in Week Seventeen, no matter what happens on Sunday at the Fake Meadowlands, or what happens elsewhere in the AFC this weekend.

(The Titans, Browns, and raiders can all win a tie with the Steelers if any or all wind up at 8-8 with the Steelers ... and Dios con Mio, how awesome would a four way tie at 8-8 that would likely come down to Strength of Victory be?  It's just a shame the Colts were eliminated last night, to preclude a five way possibility at 8-8.)

So imagine this, Chiefs fans: the Ravens fall to a still alive Browns team in Cleveland, and then the Steelers rise up and beat them in the finale, to clinch the six seed for the Terrible Towels.  (I believe, if the Steelers get to nine wins, they're in, unless Tennessee gets to ten.  I believe both Pittsburgh and Tennessee at nine, gives the Steelers the bid.  But it's pushing 8pm on a "typical Tuesday" in the Casa de Stevo, which means I'm on bottle number two of the pinot grigio, so I can't claim to be cor ... corr ... correc ... possibly not wrong.)

So, follow me.  The Ravens lose their last two, to two desperate teams fighting for the right to get annihilated in the wild card round.  The Patriots lose to the Bills on Saturday.  And the Chiefs beat the Bears (eliminated) and Chargers (eliminated) to close the season.

In that scenario?  The Chiefs not only get a bye ... they get home field advantage throughout the AFC playoffs!  You gotta believe kids!  Believe in a Chrismukkah miracle!

* Root For: Browns.  As a side note, this is the game we get on Channel 5 at noon.  Good job, KCTV!

* Third Biggest Game: Saints at Titans (Sunday, noon CT, FOX).  This is our noon FOX game here in KC, and circle me happy about that.  Because if there is one team I want no part of in January, it is your Tennessee Titans.  I want no part of that franchise.  They own us.

As noted a few weeks ago, the Titans loss cost us a wild card in 2014, the Titans loss cost us home field advantage in 2016, we lost to the Titans in the 2017 playoffs, and I still am in denial over what I witnessed a month ago in Music City.  (The only win against the Titans in the "Fat" Andy era?  Was the day my dad dropped dead twice in an hour, and was under for four days.  NOTHING good happens when the Titans are involved, for the Red and Gold.)

The Titans cannot be eliminated no matter what happens, but they're in a similar position to the Chiefs, in that they'll know if they're alive for the division, or playing for a wild card, or even still alive for a bye, by the time they kick off, since the Texans play Saturday afternoon, and a Houston win ends the AFC South race in favor of the Moo Cows.

Conversely, the Saints are still very much alive for a bye in the NFC, and still have an outside shot at home field advantage (although they'll need help from your "Super" Cardinals and Rams, this weekend, to still have said outside shot).  If any team needs home field, I'd argue it's the Saints.  They're a far different team in the Dome, than they are on the road.

(Then again, they blew out the Seahawks in Seattle, without Drew Brees, and somehow collapsed against the 49ers in said Dome two weeks ago ... so I may just be talking out of my ass here.)

* Root For: Saints.  A no-brainer really.  And considering I'm often accused of lacking any credible form of mental capacity, this interest is truly is a no-brainer.

* Other Rooting Interests.

* Texans at Bucs (Saturday, noon CT, NFLN).  Bucs.  Keep the AFC South alive for one more week.  Plus, a Houston loss coupled with a Chiefs win ensures we won't be welcoming the Bills to Arrowhead for a wild card game.  That would not suck.  That Bills defense be scary.

* Steelers at Jets (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  Jets.  Abject chaos for the six seed, folks.  Root for abject f*cking chaos.

* raiders at "Super" Chargers (Sunday, 3:05pm CT, CBS).  "Super" Chargers.  It's all about screwing draft position for these two teams.  The raiders have six wins; the "Super" Chargers have five.  Considering both teams figure to be looking for a quarterback in April, root for them to finish as high in the standings as possible, so that they have to expend draft capital to move into the top six or seven to get their dude.

* Lions at those people (Sunday, 3:05pm CT, CBS).  those people.  Yes, I know, I hate that team so much I won't even refer to them by name.  But here's hoping they close with at least one more win, to go from top ten to somewhere around fifteen in the draft.

* Bengals at Dolphins (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  Bengals, I guess.  Both teams are in the quarterback market this offseason.  Although neither will probably have to expend extra picks, to get who they want.

I'm working on a recap of the Snow Game from Sunday; I hope to have that up next.  Because God bless it, was that fun on Sunday.  So f*cking fun!

(Or, as the current working title reads: "Chiefs!  those people!  Where Stevo accidentally texts his mom "this is so f*cking cool!" happens ...")

chiefs week fifteen rooting interests

"Last Christmas?
I gave you my heart!
But the very next day?
You gave it away!

This year?
To save me from tears?
I'll give it to someone?
Special ..."

-- "Last Christmas" by Wham!

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It's here!  It's bleeping here!

My favorite week of the NFL season has arrived, culminating at approximately 12:02pm CT on Sunday, when the Chiefs and those people face off on the sacred, hallowed grounds of Arrowhead Stadium.

And the beauty of this year's contest is that not only have the Chiefs already clinched a spot in (garth brooks voice) the dance * ... they can officially eliminate those people from postseason consideration!

Embrace the hate!

In the meantime, here are your AFC Standings through Week Fourteen, and a look ahead at which games matter most to Chiefs fans, and who we should be rooting for in those games ...

(*: that one's for you, Sir Thomas.  Merry Chrismukkah!)

Week Fifteen Chiefs Rooting Interests.

* Biggest Game: Jets at Ravens (Thursday, 7:20pm CT, FOX / NFLN).  Hear me out on this.

I think the odds the Patriots lose once down the stretch are slim and none, and slim is a bigger underdog than KU Football on its' worst day.  (Namely: huge.)  The Pats close at Bengals ** / vs Bills (Sat) / vs Dolphins.  I highly doubt the Patriots lose any of those games.

Conversely, the Ravens close against a feisty Jets squad still playing hard for proven retard adam gase, then have to travel to Cleveland (who already destroyed the Ravens in Baltimore), before closing against a Steelers team that is highly likely to be in a "win and you're in" position for that game.

It is far, far, far more conceivable that the Ravens lose two, than the Patriots lose one.

There's also this: the Jets may be officially eliminated from this thing, but they're going to play a huge role in not only who gets in (they host the Steelers next week in the LeVeon Bell Bowl ... which frankly, is better than half the bowls announced yesterday, but whatever), but what seed they'll get, if they get in.

Root For: say it with me kids.  (Fireman Ed voice) J!  E!  T!  S!  Jets! Jets! Jets!  For four hours Thursday night, do what I have to damned near every week: convince yourself Sam Darnold isn't Browning Nagle Junior.  Convince yourself adam gase shouldn't be mandated by court order to wear a drool guard and helmet at all times due to his abject f*cking stupidity.  Convince yourself Le'Veon Bell was worth every penny of the $50 some odd million dollars the Jets doltish ownership whizzed away on him eight months ago.  Convince yourself missing Jamal Adams is not a problem.  Just ...

Oh, who am I kidding.

Just do what I do watching every Jets game: drink yourself into a blind stupor, and ignore reality.

(**: of all people, it was Tom Brady who Tweeted out "We're on to Cincinnati" this morning.  That is hilarious.)

* Second Biggest Game: Texans at Titans (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  First, a Stevo's Site Numero Dos' sincere thank you to those people, for doing the impossible: making Deshaun Watson look like an occupant of a clown car, inside of NRG Reliant.  Their 38-24 upset of the Texans (in a game that wasn't even that close; it was 38-10 before a couple garbage time touchdowns by Houston) moved the Chiefs into the three seed, and according to the stat dudes and dudettes at the New York Times, has given the Chiefs a 62% chance of a bye if they win out.

Conversely, the Texans loss, coupled with the Titans blowout victory at the Real Black Hole (one more week until it rests in hell for eternity), ensures the AFC South is going to go to the wire.

Because Houston and Tennessee play twice, in the last three weeks, beginning Sunday in Nashville.

This is gonna be one hell of a fight to the finish.  Because I firmly believe either team is capable of losing 42-13 in a wild card game ... and perfectly capable of going into Baltimore, New England, or Kansas City, and pulling the upset.  (Remember -- both the Texans and Titans have already beaten the Chiefs this season, the Texans doing it at Arrowhead.  And both faced Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs", so there's no asterick attached to either victory.)

Root For: Titans.  I think.  I know the Texans are the better team, even if half the time they don't play like it.  (See last week against those people.)  I'm firmly convinced the Chiefs would win a rematch with Tennessee, and probably win it handily, especially if it is at Arrowhead.  I'm not as convinced the Chiefs would beat Houston.  Also, the Titans host the Saints next week, while the Texans visit the Bucs.  I'd love to see both teams at 9-6 entering the finale, because that would almost assuredly mean one of them isn't making the playoffs.  Because ...

* Third Biggest Game: Bills at Steelers (Sunday, 7:20pm CT, NBC).  Sssshhhhh.  Very quietly, peoples and peepettes, the Steelers are in a rock star position right now.  If the Ravens lose on Thursday night, and the Steelers hold serve at home against Buffalo?  There's a damned good probability Steelers at Ravens is not only a "win and you're in" game ... but that it will decide who is in as the Norris champ, and who is in as the Wild Card.  (The Ravens have already clinched a wild card berth at worst; their magic number for the division is one.)

Conversely, the Bills are in a rot-gut position.  They do control their own destiny for the postseason, but getting there won't be easy -- they close at Steelers / at Patriots / vs Jets.  To quote Stevo's Site Numero Dos' Official Color Commentator (Emeritus), the legendary Dan Dierdorf:  it would "behoove" the Buffalo Bills, to win this game.

Also, there's a very strong probability the loser of this game, will open the postseason at Arrowhead.  Call me crazy ... but I'd rather face the best Buffalo has to offer, than anything the Steelers bring to the table.

* Root For: Steelers.  Chaos, folks, chaos.  That's what you root for.  I want a six way clusterf*ck at 9-7 for the two wild cards.  (Still very possible, and here's how: the Bills lose out, this week's Sunday Nighter is the last game the Steelers win, the Browns and raiders and Colts win out, and the loser of the AFC South loses two of three down the stretch.)

Admit it -- that'd make for one fun, final Sunday.

Other Rooting Interests:

* Patriots at Bengals: Bengals.  It ain't gonna happen ... but root like hell for it anyway.

* Jaguars at raiders: Jaguars.  A raiders loss all but officially eliminates the raiders from postseason consideration.  That's something worth popping open a bottle of M&R to celebrate.

* Colts at Saints: Saints.  A Colts loss all but officially eliminates the Colts from postseason consideration.  That's at least worth popping open a bottle of Cook's to celebrate.

* Browns at "Super" Cardinals: "Super" Cardinals.  A Browns loss all but officially eliminates the Browns from postseason consideration.  That's not worth even popping a bottle of Andre's open to celebrate.

* Vikings at "Super" Chargers: "Super" Chargers.  The one divisional rival all but assured to be drafting a quarterback in round one next April.  I want them to get as middle-of-the-pack mediocre a draft pick as possible, if only to force them to expend draft capital to move up for whatever quarterback they target.

* Dolphins at Giants: Dolphins.  See previous paragraph, except replace "divisional rival" with "conference foe".

Until later this week -- hey!  (sgt. esterhaus voice) Let's be careful out there ...

chiefs week fourteen rooting interests

"Away in a manger;
No crib for His bed.
The Little Lord Jesus?
Laid down His sweet head.

The stars in the sky?
Looked down where He lay.
The Little Lord Jesus?
Asleep on the hay.

The cattle are lowing;
The poor Baby wakes.
But Little Lord Jesus?
No crying He makes.

I love Thee, Lord Jesus --
Look down from the sky.
And stay by my cradle?
'Til morning is night ..."

-- "Away in a Manger", done by the greatest.

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Well, well, well.

If any of you Chiefs fans reading this saw the destruction of the century coming Sunday afternoon and into the early evening, raise your hands!

(Note: my hand is not lifted.)

I thought this would be a competitive, hard fought contest that would come down to whoever had the ball last.  It appears I was wr ... wr ... wr ... definitely incorrect.

Sunday's 40-9 "bend over, assume the position, and take the business" devastation of the raiders means the Chiefs are all but a lock to win a fourth consecutive division championship.  And in case you think that's a "nice but ultimately not neat" stat, consider: I turn 43 on Wild Card weekend.  In my (exactly, as of today) 42 years and 11 months on this planet, the Chiefs had won a division championship just five -- five! -- times, prior to "Fat" Andy's arrival.  (1993, 1995, 1997, 2003, 2010).  It seems (and no doubt is) surreal to realize, that "Fat" Andy has accomplished damned near as much in four years, as every other coach of my lifetime combined has accomplished!

And with a combination of two Chiefs wins and/or raiders and/or Steelers and/or Titans and/or Colts defeats, he will almost match the immortal Marty Schottenheimer, by making the playoffs in six out of seven seasons. (Marty did it from 1990-1995, plus 1997.)

That's freaking crazy, when you think about it.

Also crazy, and like the above paragraph, in a good way?

The extortion email has arrived!  Always -- always! -- my favorite read of the year:

(note: I still miss when this came old-school "letter in the mail" style.  That sucker used to get posted on the fridge, just to remind everyone who saw it that yes, we're paying to witness another January meltdown.)

Playoff tickets go on sale to us STM's on Wednesday, and to Jackson County residents on Thursday.  (So I'm good either way!)  Nothing says being a Chiefs Season Ticket Member like being asked to pony up hundreds of thousands of dollars two weeks before Christmas!

(And nothing says "why the hell did I buy a car in December?", like getting the other "extortion letter", the Jackson County property tax bill, in the mail last weekend.  I owe more on New Tito, than I pay a month for the privilege of driving it (albeit barely):

Pray for Stevo, people.  He gonna be damned broke by Hanukkah.  Especially if he goes to Chicago in three weeks for the Chiefs game.)

In any event, here are your AFC standings as of this "nowhere near as cold as Sunday" Tuesday in Kansas City * :

(*: just look at the bottom line of the division leaders, and the top line of the credible wild card contenders.  I can already hear our "good friend", the "King of Self Righteous Hypocrisy", Ol' Pete, uuh, King, screaming "how dare a team with a lesser record host a wild card game!"  Pete?  Ol' Buddy, Ol' Pal, Ol' Descomisado?  Division Championships trump Wild Card Berths.  There's a reason why the Chiefs don't fly banners celebrating 1986, 1990, 1991, 1992, 1994, 2006, 2013, or 2015.  And why banners do fly honoring 1993, 1995, 1997, 2003, 2010, 2016, 2017, 2018, and come next Sunday, 2019, after we sodomize those people and Ryan Leaf drew lock's career.  Because Division Championships ALWAYS trump Wild Card Berths.  

And yes, just typing "trump", probably triggered Mr. King.  Good.  He can cry about it in one of his "nobody gives a damn" coffee recommendations.

Also, I forgot to remove the Colts tiebreaker over the Titans.  That doesn't exist anymore, after last week's Titans win.  Sorry 'bout that.  I'll try to do this better next week.)

Anyways, before I go off on an unplanned rant about how ridiculous Mr. King is, and how the game passed him by twelve years ago, here are this week's Chiefs Rooting Interests.

* Biggest Game: Ravens at Bills (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  Holy holidays, Batman!  What a fascinating match up to open the stretch run!  A surging Bills squad fresh off giving the business to hapless Jason Garrett and his thoroughly unprepared Cowboys ... facing a Ravens team that hasn't lost since September, and looks better every week ** .

The Bills have to have this one (plus hope the Chiefs do what I certainly hope they will do), to have a shot at catching the Patriots for the division.  (They face the Patriots in Week Sixteen.  Also: my AFC East preseason prediction doesn't look so bat sh*t crazy right now, does it?)

The Ravens can all but clinch a bye with a victory here (and a Chiefs loss), and I believe they can clinch the AFC Norris with a few breaks.)

This folks, is gonna be one fun ride to, uuh, ride along with.

* Root For: Bills.  Their fans deserve this.  Also, while the back door to steal a bye is still cracked for the Chiefs even if the Ravens win, if the Ravens lose?  The side door starts to swing open, and the garage door opener button gets pushed.

(**: am I the only one grateful we played those guys in September, and the Patriots in December, and not the other way around?  Because I think Baltimore would walk into Arrowhead and win if that game was today, and I'd much rather deal with the Patriots as they currently exist, than how they existed three months ago.)

* Second Biggest Game: Titans at raiders (Sunday, 3:25pm CT, CBS).  Neither team is officially eliminated with a loss (especially if the loser is the Titans, as they somehow, some way, still pretty much control their own destiny in the AFC South).  But with the raiders all but locked out of the divisional race, and the Titans likely to at best split with the Texans over the next three weeks (thus handing the South to Houston ... oh Houston!  Means that I'm one day closer to you!), this is a virtual playoff game.

I don't know why I feel about this game as I do.  I've watched both of these teams in person over the last four weeks.  One team is clearly superior to the other.  And yet, if I had a Lock O' The Week in the picks piece *** , it would be the raiders.

* Root For: Titans.  I want one of these two to open the postseason at Arrowhead.  I'd prefer the raiders ... but as someone far smarter than me once noted, the hardest thing in sports is to beat the same NFL team three times in a year.  It almost never happens.  (Unless the raiders are involved, of course.  Then it routinely happens.)

Plus, if it's the Titans we open against, no offense, but in the words of Randy Quaid's character in "Independence Day": "payback is a b*tch boys!".  The Titans cost us the playoffs in 2014, cost us home field advantage in 2016, knocked us from the postseason in 2017, and just humiliated us in Nashville four weeks ago.

To b*stardize our late, great Ol' Pardner: "we owe those f*ckers".

(***: yes, I know, I forgot to make an Upset O' The Week pick last week.  Probably a good thing, because my upset would have been the 49ers over the Ravens.)

* Third Biggest Game: those people at Texans (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  So, the drew lock era error has begun.  And normally, when a local kid makes it to the National ... Football League, I root for them.  But this is now two local kids I liked (ironically, both playing for a college I despise), moving on to those people via the draft in the last couple years.  (shane ray being the other.)

Oh well.  At least the antichrist gets to see what a real franchise quarterback looks like this weekend.  Too bad for him and his demon-indwelt roster of talentless, classless, unlovable losers, said franchise quarterback is facing them, not joining them.

* Root For: those people.  I know those people ain't winning ... but the Chiefs somehow have to get ahead of Houston, to steal the desperately needed bye.  All we have to do is catch Baltimore or the Patriots (if we win Sunday) ... but we have to pass Houston, thanks to tiebreakers.

Also, remember for next week, Chiefs fans -- Ryan Leaf opened 2-0 in his career, and looked like the real deal, until his third career start ... which came at Arrowhead.  It was his defining moment.  I cannot wait to repeat history, when drew lock leads those people into Arrowhead next week. #soready #thedayilivefor

Other Rooting Interests.

* Steelers at "Super" Cardinals: "Super" Cardinals.  A Steelers defeat throws the "race" for the six seed into abject chaos.  Sign me up!  Also, kudos to the NFL for flexing Bills at Steelers into next Sunday's prime time slot (booting out the Vikings at "Super" Chargers).  Common sense begged the "why was Vikings at "Super" Chargers slated for prime time?!?!?!" question when the schedule came out seven months ago ... but at least that wrong has been righted.  Because other than Vikings fans, who would have tuned in to that not even remotely sexy hookup?

* Colts at Bucs: Bucs.  Always root for the other conference.  Especially when the team in your conference has already dominated your ass in your building earlier in the season, and there's still a reasonable shot they'll get a, uuh, shot, to dominate your ass in your building again this season.

* Bengals at Browns: Bengals.  A Bengals win all but officially eliminates the Browns.  (And if John Dorsey is 1.24% as smart as I think he is, eliminates Freddie Kitchen's job, and deservedly so.  Browns fans deserve better than to have a clueless dolt p*ss away Baker Mayfield's first few years of his career.)

* "Super" Chargers at Jaguars: "Super" Chargers.  Hear me out on this.  Odds are the "Super" Chargers finish in the basement of the division.  (Somehow, those people swept them this season.  That alone should get Anthony Lynn fired.)

It'd be nice to see them, and those people, and even the raiders, all wind up as close to .500 as possible, to screw their draft positioning.  And given the "Super" Chargers are likely to go all in on phyllis' successor (jimmy buffett voice) come April, I'd much rather have them land in the 13-16 range and have to waste picks to trade up, to get said successor.  I think I'm right about this.  Right?

* Dolphins at Jets: Dolphins.  #firegase  #now  #please  I mean, let me tell you, since the Jets are my 1B team, I've endured a lot as a Jets fan in my life.  The Fake Spike.  Losing a playoff game to "Sur" William Callahan.  Everything Bruce Coslet, dick kotite, Al Gore Groh (note: they're both so uninspiring, I couldn't tell them apart in the fall of 2000 ... although I know I voted for one of them), the Mangenius, and Todd F*cking Bowles.  Browning Nagle.  Browning Nagle Junior.  Neil O'Donnell.  "Sexy" Rexy Ryan and his tattoos.  The Butt Fumble.  No playoff berths since I was dating "The Ex".  The indefensible loss to Buffalo on my 39th birthday.  The 2004 Divisional Game at Pittsburgh.  The 2009 AFC Title Game (blowing a huge lead at Indy).  The 2010 AFC Title Game (fighting the Steelers to the final second before falling five points short).

(stevo sighing in deep disgust voice) And oh yeah -- pick a draft pick,  Any draft pick.

Hang on.  (stevo chugging rubbing alcohol to numb the pain, Kitty Dukakis style ...)

All of it -- combined! -- hasn't made me as disgusted as last Sunday did.  It's one thing to lose to a winless team to close November / begin December.  Sh*t, the Chiefs did it in 2000.

But to not even bother to try to compete?  When you're still alive for a playoff berth (and actually controlled their own destiny, as unreal as that seems)?

That's a FIREABLE offense.

Carolina fired "Riverboat" Ron Rivera today, for the (very) fireable offense of losing to "Sur" William Callahan.

Which begs the Captain Oats in the room:

What the f*ck are the Jets waiting for? ...

chiefs week thirteen rooting interests

Week Twelve was a mixed bag of sorts for the Chiefs.  For all intents and purposes, a first round bye is now out of the question.  Yes, they're three behind the Patriots (who they still play), two behind the Ravens (who they have beaten), and tied with the Texans (who they have lost to) ... but this isn't baseball, where five weeks to play means thirty plus games to go.  Even if the Chiefs win out, they have to have both the Ravens and Patriots lose twice more, and after what we witnessed on Sunday afternoon and Monday night, is there any semi-sane person willing to wager on that outcome occurring?  (crickets chirping.)

But, just as Week Twelve was bigger than Week Eleven ... Week Thirteen is bigger than Week Twelve.  And this week in the AFC, we have a virtual playoff game at the Ketchup Bottle, a virtual playoff game in Indy, a "winner likely takes the West" showdown at Terrorhead, one amazing and intriguing Sunday Nighter at Reliant between who I believe are the two best teams in the AFC (sorry, Ravens) ... oh, and those red-hot and rolling Ravens?

Host the best team the other conference has to offer, fresh off a thirty point ass raping of their own giving against a very credible NFC Super Bowl contender (Packers).

Buckle up kiddos.  This is gonna be one fun weekend of football.

First, here are your up-to-the-moment AFC standings:

(Note: if tiebreaker(s) held don't / didn't really matter to this week's standings, I didn't include them.  That, and if you're a fan of the sport, you can figure out when teams are tied without facing each other, conference record becomes the tiebreaker that matters.)

Here then are your Week Thirteen Chiefs Rooting Interests:

* Biggest Game: Browns at Steelers (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  Simply put, this is a playoff game.  No ifs, and's, or but's about it.  The winner is still facing an uphill battle to reach January ... but the loser is toast.

If the Steelers lose, then the Browns will own the tiebreaker via a head to head sweep, and with a very favorable schedule left, the Browns will be in solid playoff positioning entering a pretty soft December schedule.  (They close vs Bengals / at "Super" Cardinals / vs Ravens / at Bengals.  That's doable ... especially since they already won at Baltimore.)

If the Steelers win, then the Browns are all but done, as they'll fall two behind a wild card slot with four to play, have already lost the tiebreaker to Buffalo, and would have no way to credibly make up ground against the teams in front of them.  And not only would the Steelers move to the top of the surviving 7-5 teams, and like the Browns, they have a very favorable schedule down the stretch (at "Super" Cardinals / vs Bills / at Jets / at Ravens).

If you're coming out to tailgate with us, I'll have this one pulled up on the iPad; it's our local CBS game at noon.  (Thank you Channel 5!)

* Root For: Browns.  Chaos folks, chaos.  Also, if the wild card teams keep piling up losses, it helps provide a back door road to January for the Chiefs.  Double also, would anyone be upset to see Baker and Mahomies throw down to open January?  Because I wouldn't be.  That, and I don't care if they were starting a corpse under center, I want no part of the Steelers anywhere, anytime, or anyplace.

Especially Arrowhead in January.  #notgoodtimes

* Second Biggest Game: Titans at Colts (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  The Colts won the first game in Nashville three months ago 19-17, on a few stunning Adam Vinatieri field goals.  (Stunning, in that he made them.)  As much of a roll as the Titans have been on lately (winning four of five since switching to Ryan Tannehill at quarterback), that roll needs the butter of a victory over the Colts on it, to be edible (rimshot!)  Otherwise, their Christmas goose may be cooked before the Thanksgiving leftovers are thrown away.

* Root For: (I Think) Titans.  They have a much tougher closing schedule (at raiders / vs Texans / at Saints / at Texans) than the Colts (at Bucs / at Saints / vs Panthers / at Jags).  Both teams, though, hold tiebreaker over the Chiefs, so if it comes down to that for the last slot in the (hootie johnson voice) toonumunt, well ... let's just hope it doesn't, come down to that.

* Third Biggest Game: Bills at Cowboys (Thursday, 3:30pm CT, CBS).  You can argue Patriots at Texans is bigger, and I won't necessarily disagree with you ... but for playoff purposes, this one is much bigger.  The Bills have already clinched a .500 record, and realistically, with the flotsam and jetsam and abject raw sewage the race for the second AFC wild card is, all they need to do is win twice more, and they'll be in, probably as the top wild card (five seed), probably hoofing it to the South or West champion, to open the postseason.

But here's the thing.  They have maybe -- maybe! -- one "should win it" game left: the finale against a resurgent Jets team at The Ralph.  Their next four, counting this week, are at Dallas / vs Baltimore / at Pittsburgh / at New England.

My way of saying: if the Bills don't circle the wagons in Jerry World today, they may not get to ten wins.  Sh*t, if they lose today?  They may not even get to nine!  And no matter how rank and stank that collection of teams trying to get the sixth seed may smell?  At least two of them are getting to nine wins.  Eight ain't getting you in.

* Root For: Cowboys.  For one day, for approximately four hours, they truly are America's team.  (At least if you're a Chiefs fan.)

Other Rooting Interests.

* Patriots at Texans: Patriots.  A Texans win pretty much seals shut the first round bye door for the Chiefs.  A Patriots win keeps it cracked open enough to allow the whiff of a dream to keep floating through. 

* 49ers at Ravens: 49ers.  The best game of the day that isn't at Arrowhead or Reliant.  (Thanks to our good friends at FOX4, we can pull this one up on the iPad too!  Isn't technology amazing!)  And frankly, it's probably better than both of those games too.  This is gonna be one fun Sunday nighter.

* Bucs at Jaguars: Bucs.  One more loss ought to eliminate the Jaguars from realistic contention.

* "Super" Chargers at those people: terrorism those people.  One more loss ought to eliminate the "Super" Chargers from playoff contention.  (And hopefully eliminate Anthony Lynn from his job.  He's too damned good of a coach, to coach a divisional rival.  Hey, Dean Spanos!  I hear "Sur" William Callahan will be available soon!  Give him a ring!  You probably still use a landline, you cheap ass deadbeat, right?)

* Jets at Bengals: Bengals.  The Jets aren't dead yet.  They're on life support ... but the cord is still plugged in.

* Eagles at Dolphins: Eagles.  Always root for the other conference, unless it hurts your team's chances.

Hope each and every one of y'all enjoys Turkey Day!  May it be as plastered with food, booze, and hangovers as my family's usually is ...

chiefs week twelve rooting interests

(bush voice) Breathe in, breathe out.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Breathe in ...

A quick housekeeping item:

I am hoping to duck out to Dallas this weekend to catch the Stars / Blackhawks game with my college roommate.  Wish me luck.  Please, wish me luck.  I haven't seen Vineet in 9 years * , as impossible as that is to wrap my head around.  #ineedthepto

(*: Vineet is my friend who survived 9/11.  We swore after that day we'd never go more than a year without seeing each other.  It's time to resurrect that promise, godd*mmit.  Oh, and f*ck yeah, the postcard still hangs in my office, eighteen years and change later.)

--------------------

Here are your standings entering Week Twelve, as always divided into three categories: your division leaders, your wild card contenders, and your "not a chance in hell they're playing in January" teams:

And ... your Week Twelve rooting interests.  Assuming you're a Chiefs fan, of course.

(Note: still working on the Chiefs / Titans weekend recap.  Hope to have it up by Friday morning ... ditto the Week Twelve Picks.)

* Byes: Chiefs, "Super" Chargers.  So, I was speaking with my buddy Nick at work today, and he asked a question I had no credible answer to.

"When was the last time the Chiefs defense won the game?"

So I started thinking back through our favorite team's closest encounters over the last few years ... and I had no answer.

The obvious answer I guess is at those people five weeks ago, but that game was dominated by the Chiefs offense, if we're being honest here.  The other five wins this year -- at Jaguars, at raiders, vs Ravens, at Lions, vs Vikings -- were all won via either (a) an incredible offensive explosion (the first three) or (b) a two minute drill that saw the Chiefs score as time expired.

I still don't have an answer.  There's far, far, far more collapses the last three, four years, than stands at the end, like Monday night was.

Curious to hear what y'all think of what the answer should be, in the comments section.

* Biggest Game: raiders at Jets (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  The Chiefs announced this morning that playoff tickets will go on sale on Wednesday, December 4th, for us STM's and Jackson County folks.  Which seems reasonable -- with a little help on this upcoming Sunday, and a victory next Sunday, the Chiefs will all but clinch the division.

On the other hand, if a Jets team that hasn't won (let alone credibly competed in) a conference game holds true to form on Sunday, and the Chiefs lose an unthinkable fourth game this season at Arrowhead, then the AFC West is going to be one hell of a sprint to the finish.

Root For: say it with me kids.  (fireman ed voice) J!  E!  T!  S!  Jets!  Jets!  Jets!  For one week, join me on the misery train and root for this collection of (un)lovable losers!  Please, let me talk you into the Browning Nagle Junior era!  It's been every bit as sh*ttacular as the actual Browning Nagle era so far! 

Please, let me convince you Adam Gase is mentally competent enough to walk in public without a drool guard and a helmet!  Please, allow me to talk you into why sending (arguably) the NFL's worst owner to be our ambassador to our biggest ally is the smartest decision Mr. Trump has made in his Presidency! 

(Note: that one liner wasn't pure sarcasm, Shecky Greene style; only part sarcasm.  Anything that gets Woody Johnson's hands off day-to-day operations of the Jets, is a win in my book.)

You'll hate yourself for three plus hours rooting for this team of quitters and never-triers ... but if the alternative is rooting for Chucky and the silver and black, what choice do you have?

* Second Biggest Game: Colts at Texans (Thursday, 7:20pm CT, FOX / NFLN).  The winner is in the drivers' seat to win the AFC South, especially if it's the Colts, who already beat the Texans in Indy a month ago.  The loser is still in decent shape for a wild card slot, especially if the loser is Indy (whose schedule is much easier down the stretch than Houston's).

Root For: Houston.  (Pause).  Yeah, gotta. 

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Larry Gatlin and his brothers!

Houston!
Houston means that I'm one day closer to you!
Aw honey?  Houston!
Means the last day of the tour, and we're through!

Well honey?
You and God above in heaven above know I love what I do!
Aw but Houston?
Houston means that I'm one day closer to you!

If I have to travel for the Divisional Round game ** (and odds are, us Chiefs fans will), please give me Houston as the destination.  I don't ask much.  But I'd much rather go to a place forty minutes from a warm body of water in January, than an ice skating rink five miles southeast of my favorite sporting venue on earth (that would be the Indianapolis Motor Speedway).

(**: (luke bryan voice) been there, done that.)

* Third Biggest Game: Ravens at Rams (Monday, 7:20pm CT, ESPN).  I'm still in utter denial that the Texans failed to show up last week against the Ravens.  I just cannot believe the Ravens are this good.  I mean, I saw them in person Week Three.  The Chiefs defense looked damned good against them for fifty plus minutes, until it didn't matter and it was garbage time.

The Ravens are not this good.

Are they?

For the Rams, this is all but it.  They're already looking up at the 49ers and Seahawks in the division, still have to play both squads (Seattle at LA; San Fran in 'Frisco to close the season, I believe), and they're chasing the Vikings in the wild card race (and possibly the Packers too -- I'm telling you, that Packers at Vikings Monday Night finale is going to be the biggest Monday Nighter in many a season, folks).  They're hurting in the tiebreaker category, their offense is sputtering to a grinding halt most weeks, and again, they're two back of any playoff spot with six to play.

That, to quote myself from my college days, that?

(stevo voice) Is no bueno.

* Root For: Rams.  The Ravens have two realistic losses left on the schedule -- this week, and next week when they host the 49ers.  It's still a slim, outside shot ... but lose both, and the Chiefs can still steal the two seed and a bye.

* Fourth Biggest Game: Jaguars at Titans (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  One of these teams is toast if they lose.  Especially if that team is the Jaguars.  Ironically, the Titans are probably in the best position of any team in the South -- they still get the Colts, and two of their last three are against the Texans.

* Root For: not a f*cking clue.  Probably the Jaguars, as the Chiefs have tiebreaker over them ... but a Titans win all but eliminates the Jaguars, and frankly, the Chiefs aren't getting in as a wild card in all likelihood -- it's AFC West Title Numero Cuatro in a row or bust. 

* Other Rooting Interests.

* Patriots: vs Cowboys (Sunday, 3:25pm CT, FOX).  Root for the Cowboys -- and again, like choking down rooting for Browning Nagle Junior, the worst coach in the NFL, and what passes as a football team known as the Jets, it might be tough to do ... but root for the Cowboys.
* Bills: vs those people (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  (stevo sighing in disgust).  (stevo vomiting in abject disgust).  (stevo curling up into the fetal position and wishing death upon himself in beyond abject disgust).  Root for those people.
* Steelers: at Bengals (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  Root for the Bengals, although it won't happen.
* Browns: vs Dolphins (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  Christ, who gave CBS this god-awful slate of games?  Root for the Dolphins -- not just on the chaos theory, but I'd love to have a back door open for a wildcard, if I'm being fair and honest.  (Only one of which, I'm ever accused of being.)

Until next time -- hey!  (sgt. esterhaus voice) Let's be careful out there ...

(cue the greatest tv theme song ever ... or so says stevo ...)

chiefs week eleven rooting interests

My apologies for no Week Ten picks last week.  Real life got in the way big time.  The good news is that everything worked out in the end, even if it took long, circuitous route(s) to get there, through all I had going on.

Things did not go well for the Red and Gold last week.  In fact, it's fairly difficult to imagine how things could have gone worse.  Here then are the AFC Standings entering Week Eleven, as always separated into three tiers: the division leaders, the wild card contenders, and your also-rans:

Here then are the Week Twelve rooting interests, which thanks to a collapse in Nashville the likes of which only General Hood could comprehend, have taken on much more importance than they should have.

* Byes: Titans.  I'll have more to say about my trip to the Music City later this week in all likelihood, but allow me to say this: I am not a bar person.  I'm also not a party person.  (But you are a functioning alcoholic, right?  Well, duh.)

I closed Broadway down Saturday night, it was so much fun.  Job well done, Nashville.  Job well done.

* Biggest Game: Texans at Ravens (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  Sweet Jesus, it's not possible to undersell this game.  Your first (I believe) Lamar Jackson / Deshaun Watson matchup since one was winning the Heisman, and the other was hoisting whatever the hell they call the College Playoff trophy.  This game probably means a lot more to the Texans than the Ravens, given they have no room to breathe in the South, with every team within one in the loss column if they drop this one.  Conversely, with the Steelers heating up, and the Browns improbably still alive, the Ravens can't afford a step back either.

This one is gonna be fun folks.  Here's to hoping my local CBS affiliate has this game.  (Note: we do!  Yay KCTV5!  For once, you're doing right by the Chiefs and their fans!  Who knew you had it in you?)

Root For: Texans.  The best shot for the Chiefs to get a first round bye is with a three way tie for the two seed, which they would likely win via divisional record.  That means we need some Ravens and Texans losses.  Barring a tie, one of them is losing Sunday.  And they're both facing really tough games the next two weeks after this one -- Baltimore goes to the Rams and 49ers; Houston hosts Indy and New England.

* Second Biggest Game: Bengals at raiders (Sunday, 3:25 CT, CBS).  At this point, barring the Upset O' The Decade, it will be (at worst) 6-5 oakland at (at worst) 6-5 Kansas City in three weeks, with (at best) 5-6 Los Angeles hot on those two squads' heels.  It's shaping up to be 2017 all over again: a three way clusterf*ck with four weeks to go, and everybody plays everybody down the stretch.

(And just like in 2017?  Those people are nowhere to be found!  I totally dig those people going back to being the division's port-a-potty / doormat / dog's training pad, which is exactly what they are.  #neverdenver)

And what we're rooting for Sunday, is the Upset O' The Decade.  Folks, the raiders are favored by double digits!  Double digits!  And deservedly so.  The Bengals are 0-9, starting a rookie quarterback who just got his ass handed to him, at home, by nearly 40 points, are clearly Tanking for Tua or Burrowing for, uuh, Burrow, and if it's possible to quit on a season before Veterans Day, they've managed to do it.

Just because you root for something, doesn't mean it's gonna happen.  (Cue all of us inside of Arrowhead ten months ago, waiting on a coin flip to open overtime, nodding in agreement.)

* Root For: Bengals.  It would really be nice if the raiders could drop one before they roll into Arrowhead to close down Thanksgiving weekend.  I believe it is much more realistic that they lose in the Fake Meadowlands to Browning Nagle Junior next week, than they lose, at home, to the Ryan Finley led Bengals.

* Third Biggest Game: Steelers at Browns (Thursday, 7:20pm CT, FOX / NFLN).  A Steelers victory all but eliminates the Browns, who would drop to 3-7 with six to play.  But a Browns victory completely changes the face of the race for the last wild card slot in the AFC.  It would pull the Browns back to within at worst two, with six to play, and a relatively soft schedule down the stretch.  More importantly, it would drop the Steelers back to .500, and keep creating chaos for the two wild card berths.  Chaos is a good thing, so long as your team isn't a part of it.

Root for: Browns.  FWIW, neither of these squads are making the playoffs ... but the winner has a better shot than the loser.  At least until they meet again in two weeks.

* Last Biggest Game: Jaguars at Colts (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  If "Big Dick" Nick Foles can engineer the upset (and let's be fair -- the Colts just managed to lose at home to the Dolphins, so this is doable), then every AFC South team will be within a game of each other, with six to play.  Considering the Jags are the only AFC South team the Chiefs have a direct tie-breaker advantage, we know what to root for, kids.  And it ain't meeting your mother at the Farhampton rail depot, waiting on that downtown train.  #chaos.

* Root for: Jaguars.  If it's Brian Hoyer again for Indy, this is very doable.

Other Game Rooting Interests:

* Patriots at Eagles: Eagles.  Seems reasonable if not doable.  (That's what he said (rimshot!)!)  But I wouldn't bet the family farm on the Eagles winning.  (Pause).  Well maybe I should wager the family farm, considering I don't have one.  But on the other hand, do I want hired goons showing up on my doorstep to cap me?  (Pause).  Yeah, probably not.
* Bills at Dolphins: Dolphins.  You want abject chaos in the wild card standings with a third of the season to go?  Give Miami its' third straight win.  Sh*t, the Bills could be on the outside looking in, (jimmy buffett voice) come Monday, if they lose this one.
* those people at Vikings: Vikings.  Ssshhh, don't look now, but after Sunday night, the Vikings control their own destiny in the NFC Norris ... and given the 49ers closing stretch, they likely control their own destiny to obtain home field advantage throughout the playoffs.
* Jets at Redskins: Redskins.  This has Upset O' The Week potential written all over it.  Assuming the Jets are favored.

Again, apologies for failing to get the Week Ten picks up.  But hey, life goes on.  And so do we.  Just how we do it?  Is no mystery.  (Pause).  Jesus, I am quoting the lyrics from "Empty Nest".

Next thing you know, I'll be noting you can take the good, and you can take the bad.  But take them both?  And then you have?

("the voice of reason" voice) Dude.  Just stop.

Ain't we lucky we got 'em?

(Na na na na na!)

Good Times!!!!!!!

Damn, I love 1970s / 1980s god awful sitcoms ...

chiefs week ten rooting interests ...

In the next 120 some odd hours, the following will play out in my life:

* both my NCAA rooting interests (KU and Syracuse) will tip off their seasons against teams from last year's Elite Eight, and both ranked inside the Top Fifteen to open the season (Duke and Virginia, respectively).
* I'll get together with my oldest group of friends to celebrate us somehow all surviving another trip around the sun.  (Although my liver may give out any day, if we're being honest here).
* both my dad and my second dad will undergo surgery.  (Damn, getting old sucks.)  Although the fact that my bowling teammate will be my dad's nurse for (at least) a night has me strangely geeked up.  I know the, uuh, mischief she played out on me over a decade between work and bowling.  This could be entertaining.
* and oh yeah, I'll be going to Nashville for the Chiefs / Titans game with two good friends that are Titans fans (Nicole and Andrew) and a third friend that apparently has nothing better to do (Brock).

So ... when your schedule is crammed, you might as well get at it.

Here is how the AFC stands after Week Nine:

Like with last week, the standings are divided into three tiers: your division leaders, your credible wild card contenders, and your (for now) also rans.  (No, I do not believe those people are going to get back into it -- four of their next five after this week's bye are on the road, all against teams currently in the playoffs.  Good luck with that guys.  But if the Browns can spring the upset this week, they're not dead yet.  Let's just say they've beaten the right teams on their schedule so far ... and the others await.)

Last week didn't go as hoped for within the division -- every AFC West team won -- but it went spectacularly well outside of the division, as the Steelers knocked the Colts into Wild Card territory, and the Patriots finally lost -- convincingly -- in Crab Cake City.

Here then is your Chiefs Fan Week Ten Rooting Interest Guide.

* Byes: Patriots, Texans, Jaguars, those people.  Two of these teams are making the playoffs, most likely as division champions.  How sweet it is to know, that neither of those two teams is the one that plays an alleged mile high above sea level.

(Note: there's a damned reasonable chance the game against those people on December 15th will be to clinch the division for the fourth straight season.  If you think I'm obnoxious and unbearable at any random game against those people?  Throw playoff ramifications into the mix, and brace yourself for impact, is all I can say.)

* Biggest Game: "Super" Chargers at raiders (Thursday, 7:20pm, FOX).  For all intents and purposes, if the Chiefs take care of business in Nashville, this is an elimination game in the AFC West, because the loser would be three back in the win column (jimmy buffett voice) come Monday.

The "Super" Chargers need this game much more than the raiders do, to be honest -- they still have two games left against the Chiefs, plus they still have to host the Vikings.  If they win two of those, but lose Thursday night?  Their ceiling is 10-6, and no offense, but 10-6 isn't catching the Chiefs barring a complete unforeseen collapse.  And even then, 10-6 is probably the Chiefs floor if they win Sunday.

The raiders have a much easier schedule left, and honestly, if they don't finish 10-6, there should be some serious internal decision-making about the coaching staff and the roster.  They still have the "Super" Chargers twice, the Bengals and Titans and Jaguars at home, plus the Jets and those people on the road.  (And the December 1st showdown at Arrowhead that is so getting flexed to 3:25pm from its' current noon slot.)

This has the makings of one great Thursday nighter -- two desperate teams trying to overcome horrific starts, to scrape into the clusterf*ck for the AFC's last team in.  I love it.

Root For: raiders.  One of these two teams scares me.  The other doesn't.  Also, one of these teams still has two cracks at us, sitting two games behind us.  I'd rather see them knocked three back, so they can't catch us directly without the Chiefs slipping up.

Second Biggets Game: Bills at Browns (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  It would probably behoove Freddie Kitchens to win this game.  It would definitely behoove the Browns offense to get the damned ball into OBJ's hands.

Also, the "look how much being a Brown has aged Baker Mayfield" meme is hysterical:

Root For: Browns.  A loss here probably puts Buffalo's ceiling at 11-5 (figuring losses at Dallas and at New England), and they still have to host Baltimore and visit Pittsburgh.  The Bills are anything but a lock for the top wild card.  Or either wild card.  Especially with a loss Sunday.

Again folks: always root for chaos.  Especially if your team(s) is free and clear from it.

Third Biggest Game: Dolphins at Colts (Sunday, noon CT, CBS).  With the likely probability Brian Hoyer is starting this game, this suddenly becomes an intriguing "maybe, possibly upset brewing?" possibility.  (In case you doubt me as to how awful Brian Hoyer is, this is the last time we saw him, Chiefs fans.)

I'm not expecting a miracle here, but a kid can dream, dammit.  Also, this is a sneaky big game for Indy -- they've already lost to the "Super" Chargers and Steelers, still have the Jags twice, and have more conference losses than the Bills and raiders.  They really can't afford to drop this one.

Root for: Dolphins.  Duh.  Always root for chaos, especially if your team(s) is free and clear from it.  We want a gigantic clusterf*ck at 9-7 the likes of which the AFC has never seen before.  (Or at least since 2017, when strength of victory was a factor in the Bills getting in as the sixth seed over your "Super" Chargers and Ravens.)

Other Game Rooting Interests:

* Ravens at Bengals: Bengals.  From the "wish in one hand and sh*t in the other" file.
* Rams at Steelers: Rams.  A loss doesn't really hurt the Steelers, but man would a win help them.
* Giants vs Jets: Giants.  Only seven games left of the Browning Nagle Junior error?

Next Week?  Week Eleven -- the NFL's version of "Moving Day at a Major".  Pats / Eagles, Chiefs / "Super" Chargers, Texans / Ravens, Colts / Jaguars, Steelers / Browns.  Lots of "Kitchen Sink and Then Some" potential in next week's schedule, up to and including a potential "Throwdown for Tua" showdown at Fake RFK between the Jets and 'Skins ...

chiefs week nine rooting interests ...

The important thing to remember after Sunday night, Chiefs fans, is that the division is still very, very much in our control at this point.

The raiders are essentially two back with tiebreakers.  The "Super" Chargers are two back, in actuality.  And those peopl ... hang on ... (stevo laughing uncontrollably) ... those peo ... (stevo unable to stop laughing uncontrollably) ... those p ... (stevo's main room flooding due to the tears of laughter and joy being shed, thinking about those people) ... anyways, let's just say, the team that allegedly plays a mile high above sea level is effectively eliminated from any and all postseason consideration.

Having noted that ... the 2017 Chiefs were in essentially the same position.  Then they lost six of seven, to fall into a three way tie entering the final four games (which they thankfully won all four of) to create a divisional race out of thin air.  So we can't take anything for granted.

So ... let's look at how the AFC is shaping up for the next month, and try to anticipate and/or prognosticate, what this conference will look like heading into Turkey weekend, and the stretch run.

First, your current standings, which I have separated into three tiers: (a) the divisional leaders, (b) the wild card contenders, and (c) the also-rans / out-of-it:

So ... let's start with Week Nine, in order of importance to Chiefs fans.

Week Nine.

Biggest Game: Colts at Steelers (noon CT, CBS).  I know, this may not seem like the biggest game on the board, but (a) it has gigantic wild-card ramifications, (b) has an impact on the AFC South leader, and (c) the Chiefs need to finish at least a half-game ahead of the Colts if they hope to obtain a bye, since the Colts hold the head-to-head tiebreaker via Week Five's win at Arrowhead.

For the Colts, they probably have a little breathing room to play with, given that (a) they get the Dolphins in Indy next week, and (b) the Texans schedule is far more difficult down the stretch.  On the other hand, every team in the AFC South is within a game of each other in the win column, so they can't really afford a slip-up.

For the Steelers, this is huge.  They've managed to limp back into both wild-card and divisional contention despite playing three quarterbacks already.  Their conference record isn't bad, and they've beaten the Chargers head to head.  They've still got four divisional games left -- three of them against the Bengals and Browns, plus the finale in Crab Cake City.  They truly only have one game left (save for the possible finale in Baltimore) where they'll be an underdog in, and that's when the Rams come to Steel Town next week.  (My way of saying, if any team is going to come out of nowhere to steal the six seed, if not the AFC Norris outright, this is your team, injuries and all.)

Root For: Steelers.  I think only one of these squads is playing in January, as a wild card.  And I think the winner of this game, will be that team.

Second Biggest Game: Patriots at Ravens (7:20pm CT, NBC).  I know -- no "Super" Chargers?  No raiders?  No.  The Patriots next six weeks provide the AFC field the opportunity to drag them back to the pack, beginning Sunday night.  This is by far and away the toughest game the Patriots have faced so far (sorry, Buffalo), and frankly it's the first credible shot at an outright defeat they've faced (again, sorry, Buffalo).

Both Baltimore and New England have a brutal November facing them, although both have soft landings come mid to late December.  This one should go a very long way towards determining home field and byes in the AFC, especially if the Ravens win.

Root For: Ravens.  I suppose "major injuries to both squads" is a bit mean, if brutally true, on what to root for ... but the who has to be the Ravens.

Third Biggest Game: Packers at "Super" Chargers (3:25pm CT, CBS).  Oh what could have been.  Had Chicago's last gasp field goal gone straight instead of taking a left turn, the "Super" Chargers would be all but dead at 2-6.  Instead, they're gasping at 3-5 ... but facing a brutal, brutal November.  Three straight national TV games, none of which they'll have a credible home field advantage for, one of which they have to leave the country to "host".  Conversely, the Packers are rolling, coming off an impressive showing at Arrowhead on Sunday night, and looking to stay a game ahead of the Vikings in the NFC Norris.

Root For: Packers.  Always root for the NFC squad against your AFC rivals.  Always.  Unless you need said AFC rival to win, to get you into the playoffs.  That's the sole exception to that rule.

Other Week Nine Rooting Interests:

* Byes: Bengals.  I'd bet on bye.
* Redskins at Bills: Redskins.  A kid can dream, right?
* Texans vs Jaguars (London): Jaguars.  We want abject chaos in the AFC South.
* Titans at Panthers: Panthers.  This is one really intriguing contest, actually.
* Lions at raiders: Lions.  Also, big day for Matthew Stafford.  team tito has major bye issues.
* Browns at those people: Browns.  One week closer to the antichrist's firing!
* Jets at Dolphins: Dolphins.  The Jets can still get the top pick!  Si se puede!

Next Week?  Week Ten -- when the "Super" Chargers or raiders eliminate themselves from divisional contention ...

chiefs fans week sixteen rooting interests ... other than the obvious ...

“She’s a little complicated.

She’ll make her mind up, just to change it.

The kind of girl who keeps you waiting,

Waiting around.

She likes to get her toes done bright red;

She’s always reapplying her lipstick.

The muddy river bank?

She’s first in and last out.

She’s got something I can’t figure out,

That everybody’s talking about …

She’s got the blue jeans painted on tight,

That everybody wants on Saturday night!

She’s got the mood ring; she’s never the same!

She’s sunny one minute then pouring down rain!

And she’ll do whatever she wants!

And when she moves?  Every jaw’s gonna drop!

And I do – but don’t – want her to stop!

(Because) I want, I want, I want?

Whatever she’s got …

Whatever she’s got …”

-- “Whatever She’s Got” by David Nail.  Saw this dude three years ago at Sandstone as the lead-in to Eric Church.  (Pause).  Jesus, how life changes so damned fast sometimes, and not for the better.  Oh, and yes, I really do sound that hideous, trying to sing ...

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Allow me to state something up front, something that quite frankly I’ve been thinking ever since leaving the donkeys game, knowing that for all intents and purposes, the Chiefs have to win 3 of 4, to reach the playoffs.

Would there be anything – and I mean anything! – more pure Chiefs, than going into Pittsburgh on Sunday, beating the Steelers in convincing fashion … and then crapping the bed at home against San Diego next Sunday?

It’d be 1999 all over again – win four straight against either decent or bitter rivals (at oakland, at denver, vs Pittsburgh), along with a prime time epic classic against a damned good Vikings team … before blowing a 17-0 lead, at home, in the finale, to the god awful raiders, to whiz away the playoffs, after overcoming ridiculous odds* to be in position to make it in to (carl peterson voice) the tournament?

This is my nightmare scenario that’s been dominating the thoughts in my head, for 2 ½ weeks now.  Because face it, isn’t this what we expect?  To finally buy all-in, only to have the rug yanked out from under us in the cruelest way imaginable?  If that doesn’t describe what being a Chiefs fan feels like season after season, what possibly could?

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(*: entering Thanksgiving 1999, the Chiefs stood at 5-5, having lost three straight games.  They stood three behind the Seahawks in the West … and three out of a playoff spot period.  The Dolphins, Colts, Bills, Titans, Jaguars, and Seahawks all were at least 8-2.  Four weeks later, the Chiefs controlled their own destiny for the postseason, before losing the final two to miss out on the fun.

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To call the Chiefs at Steelers the game of the weekend … wouldn’t be that big of a stretch, honestly.  There are some gigantic games on the board:

* Seahawks at “Super” Cardinals (Sunday Nighter): winner likely wins the NFC West, and is in the drivers seat for home field advantage, as both hold tiebreaker over Green Bay. 

Stevo’s Pick: “Super” Cardinals 17-16, on some crazy ass fluky finish.

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: who cares; the outcome doesn’t affect the Chiefs chances at all.

* Colts at Cowboys (CBS National Slot): the Colts have already won the AFC South, but can still move up as high as the two seed with a little help.  The Cowboys, if they win out, win the NFC East, and if they lose even once, they could become only the second team in modern NFL history with 11 wins, to miss the playoffs.  (Your 2008 Patriots are the other.) 

Stevo’s Pick: Cowboys 34, Colts 30.  Don’t sleep on Indy though; they’re getting better every week, and every single one of their losses (at donkeys, vs Eagles, at Patriots, at Steelers) looks better by the day.

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: another one with no real effect on us.  Although I wouldn’t mind seeing Indy slide to the four slot, especially if Baltimore (as I expect) wins out to seal the five seed (at worst).  I was there last year.  I have no desire to see a seventh Chiefs season (in 19 years) ended by a team that used to, or currently does, call Baltimore home.)

(And yes, if the Chiefs get in, I’m going.  We already had this discussion, at the raiders tailgate last week.  Provided it’s not at Baltimore.  Opening at Indy, Cincy, or denver, and there’s a group of us going.  Open at Baltimore?  Would probably have to fly, and that’s a b*tch to get together on one day’s notice.)

* Falcons at Saints (noon, FOX).  Whoever wins controls their own destiny in the NFC South.  If Atlanta wins, however, Carolina controls its own destiny in the NFC South.  You all have no idea how much I’m rooting for a 6-9-1 Panthers squad to win this division. 

Stevo’s Pick: Falcons 34, Saints 31 (OT).  C’mon Panthers!  C’mon Cam!  Lose at home against Cleveland!

(Seriously, how excited would NBC have to be, for the second time in five years, to have to flex two atrocious teams into the Sunday Nighter slot to close the season, simply because it’s the “best” game on the board?  If you thought 7-8 St. Louis visiting 6-9 Seattle was riveting television five years ago, just wait until Panthers at Falcons!)

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: none.  Unless you want to watch Roger Goodell defend the indefensible again, of a 6 win team hosting a 12 win team in the playoffs. 

(My thoughts on this have evolved somewhat.  I used to think every division champ should be guaranteed at least one home game, as they have been since 1990.  Now?  I still think if you win your division, you should be guaranteed a home game … provided you’re at least .500.  If you can’t win half your games, you shouldn’t be rewarded for it.  A sub-.500 division champ should still get in, but they should have to go on the road, to the team that earned it more.)

* Bills at raiders (3:25pm, CBS).  The Bills are still alive folks.  They’re still alive.  At least until next Sunday, when the Patriots will welcome them to Foxboro as they always do: with an ass-kicking of Biblical proportions.

Stevo’s Pick: Bills 31, raiders 6.

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: hang on, I need something stiffer than a Coors Light to type these next three words.  (stevo heading to the liquor cabinet …)  The oakland raiders.  A Bills loss puts them on life support, with Dr. Brady and Dr. Belichick awaiting next week.

* Ravens at Texans (noon, CBS).  I know you will think I am nuts for what I’m about to type … but I believe in Case Keenum.  He thoroughly impressed me last fall at Arrowhead.  I look forward to hopefully watching him (or Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Unhealthy Mancrush Quarterback Ryan Mallett) at Reliant next fall.  (Chiefs would play at Houston if both teams finish 2^nd in their division; the Chiefs are guaranteed to play at Houston in 2016.)

Stevo’s Pick: Ravens 20, Texans 17. 

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: Houston.  Houston, Houston, Houston!

* donkeys at Bengals (Monday Nighter).  This is as close to a must-win, without being one, as they come for the Bengals.  (Next week is truly the must-win, at Pittsburgh.  But this one’s damned close.)

Stevo’s Pick: donkeys 24, Bengals 20.  I think Cincy loses out and misses the playoffs.  It’s 2006 all over again.

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: we’ll pretty much know the Chiefs fate by the time this one kicks off.  (There is a wacky ass 11 way scenario where the Chiefs can get in with a loss on Sunday, but trust me – it’s so effed up and unlikely to happen, it makes 2006 look sane and rational and reasonable … when there were only eight distinct outcomes we needed.  Lose on Sunday?  We need 11 distinct outcomes, and try as I might, I just cannot see Buffalo winning in Foxboro, or Cleveland winning in Baltimore, both of which we’d need to occur.)

For now, it's root for the Bengals, on principle.  If the Chiefs lose Sunday, we have to choke down the biggest man-package imaginable, and root for denver.

* “Super” Chargers at 49ers (Saturday Nighter).  Halle-f*cking-lujah, we have Saturday Night Football back in our lives for the first time in nearly a decade! 

Stevo’s Pick: 49ers 24, “Super” Chargers 20.  Win one before Mr. Harbaugh heads across the Golden Gate to make our lives a living hell over the next five years.

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: the 49ers, of course … although a Chargers win does nothing for them; the Chiefs finish ahead of them with a win next week, no matter what happens in this contest.

* Packers at Bucs (noon, FOX).  Yawn.

Stevo’s Pick: Packers 38, Bucs 2.

Chiefs Fans Rooting Interest: doesn’t matter … although if the only NFC team you give a sh*t about is the Cowboys or the Lions, root for the Bucs.  (Note: one of those two teams, is the only NFC team, I give a sh*t about.  And it’s at most a 10% sh*t.)

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So that leaves the Chiefs and Steelers.

I’ll have my thoughts about them … tomorrow.