y day minus three

"I've been telling my dreams to the scarecrow,
About the places I'd like to see.
I say friend, do you think I'll ever get there?
Oh, but he just stands there, staring back at me.

So I confessed my sins to the preacher,
About the love I've been praying to find.
Is there a brown eyed boy in my future?
He said girl?  You've got nothing but time.

But how do you wait for heaven?
And who has that much time?
And how do you keep your feet on the ground,
When you know?  You were born to fly!!! ..."

-- "Born to Fly" by Sara Evans.

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Less than sixty hours until the gates open, kids!  Less than sixty hours until the greatest party this city has ever thrown officially gets underway!

(For some of us, it starts about 3pm tomorrow ... or as soon as I can get the f*ck out of the office.  Whichever comes first.)

With that being noted, here are ...

Your Thursday Night Updates (yay?):

* Andrew and Brock get in about 1am tonight / tomorrow morning.  Probably the smart decision.  Tomorrow looks miserable here in Kansas City -- snow to sleet to rain.  At least that means the temperature will steadily rise, right?  Anyways, if you see two Titans fans at our tailgate Sunday, have pity and mercy on them.  They have no idea what is about to happen to their team.  No f*cking clue.

* On the bright side, they're getting in early enough to see Crown Center and Union Station in its glory.  And trust me folks, both are beyond gorgeous right now.  I sat in the lobby of Crown Center today looking out at the fountains, looking out at the ice terrace, looking out at the red everywhere, and I couldn't help but have a goofy-ass sh*t eating grin on my face, it made me so happy.  (That, or d'Bronx's grilled turkey and caesar salad is even better than I remember ... and considering I eat that at least 3-4 times a month, I'm guessing it's the red and gold everywhere, causing said goofy-ass sh*t eating grin to break out on my face like a crappy case of acne.)

* No update to the menu.  I think it's about finalized.  Titan Meltdowns (aka Philly Cheesesteaks), plus some Gates, assorted side dishes, plenty of adult liquid refreshment, and ... well, let's not get ahead of ourselves here, for any postgame plans.

* The Bus is loaded with all the non-food items!  This actually was amongst the funny moments from Sunday, when Mona noted "you know, we've been doing this for thirty years, and I just figured out, it's easier to load the coolers when they're empty, then add the beer and ice as the week goes along, instead of loading everything in the garage and lugging it out there".  Who knew?  (Not us.)

* The Bus is leaving at 5:30am Sunday.  And frankly, I think that's later than I would have voted for.  Look it, nobody is gonna sleep Saturday night (at least restfully).  I think all of Arrowhead Nation is going to show up early for this one

* The current updated forecast is 22 and partly sunny at kickoff, with winds out of the west at 10-12 mph.  (So figuring a wind chill of what, 15?)  Considering it was 19 with a wind chill of zero at kickoff last year (and only got worse from there), I can live with that.  Also, the west wind helps -- The Bus will block it for tailgating, and it'll be at my back during the game.  And double also ...

* I made the decision last year to attend that game stone cold sober.  I wanted to remember every moment of it.  Sadly, I do.  I'm not making that mistake this year.  I bought the pint of Jack, and Jack Fireball, for the game, tonight, and I will be enjoying a libation or sixteen during tailgating. 

* And after the game -- win or lose -- we're closing down the Daily Double.  That's a given.

Anyways, on to the other portion of today's post you probably don't give a sh*t about: a look at how each seed has done, in a Conference Championship Game, over the last thirty years ...

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"Inside The Numbers": The Conference Title Game.

So ... I was curious, as to how each seed has fared in a conference championship game, since the playoffs expanded from five to six teams per conference in 1990.  If you think my curiosity is due to the fact that the two seeded Chiefs are playing the six seeded Titans, a mismatch via the "numbers", well, then you know me too well.

So let's deep dive ... although not too deep ... "Inside the Numbers".

First, here are your Title Game Matchups, dating back to 1990:

Ooh.  That looks colorful and intimidating at the same time, doesn't it?  One thing that surprised me: twenty nine of the thirty two teams have made at least one title game appearance in the modern era.  The only three that haven't?  Sorry Ohio, you've got two of the three.  Yup, only the Bengals, Browns, and Texans, have failed to reach a title game in the last thirty years.  Although to be fair, neither the Browns nor Texans existed for all thirty of the past seasons, but still.  When even the Detroit Lions can claim a Title Game berth in the modern playoff era, that's ... (stevo in college voice) that's no bueno, Browns, Bengals and Texans.

Anyways, let's start drilling down, beginning with The One Seeds:

Home Wins: 30.
Road Wins: Not Applicable.

Home Losses: 13.
Road Losses: Not Applicable.

Years Not Reaching Title Game: 2008, 2010.

Quirky Statistical: prior to 2018, One Seeds had won nine straight title games, dating back to 2012, and fifteen of the last sixteen, dating back to 2004. 

In 2018, both one seeds lost in overtime.

Thoughts / Analysis: you're a one seed for a reason, and usually that reason is, you're the best regular season team in your conference.  Every so often you get a "are they really the best?" scenario like this year in the NFC, where not one, not two, not three, but (mike gundy voice) four! teams entered Week Seventeen still able to capture the top seed ... and the one that did, needed a fourth and goal miracle stop at the half inch line, to take it.

Also, this is the second straight season both one seeds have reached the Title Game.  That hadn't happened since the opening years of the 2010's.

Next up, where our Chiefs check in this year, The Two Seeds:

Home Wins: 5.
Road Wins: 12.

Home Losses: 8.
Road Losses: 18.

Years Not Reaching Title Game: 2003.

Quirky Statistical: not only do two seeds have a losing record (13-30) that is the exact inverse of the one seed's record ... but the two seeds winning percentage (30.23%) is worse than the winning percentage of the four and the six seeds.  (See -- there's lies, damned lies, and statisticals!  Because the four and six seeds combined, have played only one more game (14), than the two seeds have won (13).)

Thoughts / Analysis: that of 60 total matchups (counting 2019), the two seed has only hosted fourteen of them!  I expected that total to be in the twenties, to be honest with you.  It also tells you, based on forty three berths in the title game (out of 120), that the playoffs tend to go chalk far more than you would think -- the one and two seeds account for 86/120 spots (71.66%).  I guarantee you, if you go back thirty years of the NCAA tournament, the one and two seeds don't account for 71.66% of the 120 Final Four berths earned in that time span.

And continuing in sequential order, The Three Seeds:

Home Wins: 1.
Road Wins: 1.

Home Losses: Not Applicable.
Road Losses: 7.

Years Not Reaching Title Game: 1990, 1991, 1992, 1994, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2002, 2004, 2005, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2018, 2019.

Quirky Statistical: the only three seed to ever host a Title Game?  Was arguably one of the greatest NFL games of my lifetime -- the 2006 Indianapolis Colts 38, the 2006 New England Patriots 34, via a twenty plus second half comeback.

Thoughts / Analysis: I'm not surprised to see only nine Title Game appearances by a three seed.  Nor am I surprised to see the three seed is 1-7 on the road.  (The only one to win?  The 2003 Carolina Panthers, who destroyed "Fat" Andy's Eagles in Philly.  Although the 2017 Jacksonville Jaguars came about as damned close as you can to victory, without attaining it.)  Really, the three seed is the only outcome that didn't surprise me in virtually any way, shape or form.  Because getting through both the Wild Card and Divisional Round, is extremely tough. 

Next up?  You guessed it -- Frank Stallone!  Nah, just kidding.  The Four Seeds:

Home Wins: 1.
Road Wins: 6.

Home Losses: Not Applicable.
Road Losses: 2.

Years Not Reaching Title Game: 1990, 1991, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1998, 2001, 2002, 2004, 2005, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2018, 2019.

Quirky Statistical: The four seed has the highest victory percentage (77.77%) of any seed in the playoffs.  Also, the only four seed to win at home (your 2008 Arizona Cardinals), featured the only four versus six matchup, in the history of, uuh, Title Game history.  (The six seed?  You guessed it -- "Fat" Andy's Philadelphia Eagles.)

Thoughts / Analysis: this actually makes some sense to me.  Kind of like how the 12 seed is good for an upset or three every year over the 5 in the NCAA tourney.  The four seed has always been guaranteed a home game to open, whether as a wild card (1990-2001) or the lowest seeded divisional winner (2002-present).  And given how much six seeds seem to be winning wild card games lately (the six seed has won five of its' last six opening matchups, including four straight), that means the four draws the two, instead of the one, in the divisional, in theory the easier matchup. 

Also, four four seeds have won the Super Bowl -- your 1997 those people, your 2011 New York Football Giants ... and the 2000 and 2012 Baltimore Ravens.  Maybe Lamar should have tanked December and collapsed into Houston's slot, instead of winning twelve straight to be the one seed?

Still there?  We've only got two more to go.  Here are the results of The Five Seeds:

Home Wins: Not Applicable.
Road Wins: 1.

Home Losses: Not Applicable.
Road Losses: 5.

Years Not Reaching Title Game: 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2006, 2008, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019.

Quirky Statistical: there has never been a five versus six Title Game matchup, which is the only way the five could be a home team. 

Thoughts / Analysis: the only five seed to win a Title Game, pulled off arguably the greatest upset in Super Bowl history to follow it up -- the 2007 New York Giants.

And finally, the category your Tennessee Titans squeeze into, The Six Seeds:

Home Wins: Not Applicable.
Road Wins: 2.

Home Losses: Not Applicable.
Road Losses: 3.

Years Not Reaching Title Game: 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018.

Quirky Statistical: it took fifteen years for a six seed to reach a Title Game (2005 Pittsburgh Steelers).  Then five of them reached in the next six years -- a remarkable 41.66% stretch from 2005-2010. 

Thoughts / Analysis: your 2019 Tennessee Titans are the first six seed to reach a Title Game since the 2010 Packers (who destroyed their hated rival Chicago Bears) and my 2010 New York Jets (who lost by five in Pittsburgh).  Nine years is a long time to go between Title Game appearances -- the longest for any seed, actually ... save for the fifteen year drought to open the modern playoff era, the six seeds produced.

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So what do the statisticals foretell for Sunday?

Damned if I know.

Two seeds at home in the Title Game are 5-8 (38.46%).  Six seeds are 2-3 in the Title Game (40.00%).  A virtual dead heat. 

Ironically, four of the five six seeds to reach the Title Game have faced a two seed.  And the six seeds are 2-2 in this spot against a two seed:

* 2005: 6 Pittsburgh Steelers over 2 those people.
* 2008: 2 Pittsburgh Steelers over 6 Baltimore Ravens.
* 2010: 2 Pittsburgh Steelers over 6 New York Jets.
* 2010: 6 Green Bay Packers over 2 Chicago Bears.

(It's probably really, really good the Steelers collapsed and avoided the six seed and the playoffs altogether, folks.  Probably a really, really good thing.)

To be fair, each of those six seeds above won at least ten games, and all but the Packers won at least eleven.  So it's not like we're talking about the 2017 Buffalo Bills, or 1999 Detroit Lions, or 2004 St. Louis Rams, or 2006 Kansas City Chiefs here.  (None of whom truly deserved a playoff berth, but somebody had to "earn" them.)

These Titans?  Opened 2-4, were 4-5 entering the first rodeo with the Chiefs, have changed quarterbacks midstream, lost two out of three to "qualify" for the postseason ... and yet, here they sit, with a chance to do something I don't believe has ever been done before: beat all four divisional winners, in four straight games ... and a fifth one would await in Miami, two weeks from now.

They won at Houston in Week Seventeen to get in.  They won at New England to survive and advance out of the Wild Card.  They won at Baltimore in the Divisional.  And now they come here on Sunday, looking to hit the quadfecta.

This could be fascinating to watch play out ... especially if the Titans can get the ground game going early and often ...

y day minus four

sk: damned right.  Please, talk dirty to me dude ... no wait, I mean, dudette.  Also, damn, I love this song ...

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* Not much to report tonight.  I had no time to get the recap finished today at work ... and please, spare me any criticism of that fact.  I work as a reinsurance accountant.  Reinsurance works a month in arrears.  Accounting matters hugely at year end.  Do the math.  This is the time of year I never get, uuh, time off.  Sh*t, the only time I get my birthday off is if it falls on a Sunday.  (Which next year?  Hot damn, it does!)

Here's a few updates, and thoughts, almost one hundred hours out, from the biggest game in Arrowhead Stadium's history ...

* We have a menu!  Officially titled "Tennessee Titan Meltdown"!  It is cheesesteaks, with tons of provolone, mozzarella, onions, peppers, and hoagie buns.  (Plus some vodka pasta sauce, if it's up to me.)  There'll also be assorted potato dishes on the side (c'mon hot fries!), plus other assorted desserts.  Sent a text to Mahomies about our finalized plans; haven't heard back from them yet, on theirs.

* My ticket for entry downloaded onto my phone (and presumably, my STM card), at 9am sharp CT, this morning.  I damned near cried seeing it.  Although that does allow me to b*tch about one thing: I miss actual ticket stubs.  I built a "box of memories" around those bastardos for thirty years of my life.  Sometimes?  Progress sucks ass.

But speaking of "downloads" this morning ...

* The STM Email arrived!

No really -- it did!

And like last week, the Chiefs claim the gates will open at 9am.

And like last week, I'm calling bullsh*t on that claim.  Gate Six will be wide open by 8am, and probably an hour sooner, if we're being honest here.

But what truly irritated me?

We're getting ... you guessed it, Frank Stallone.

No, wait -- we're getting?  You guessed it, rally towels:

Because they worked so f*cking well last year ... and 2017 (we got two of them!), and 2016 (just one), and 2015 for your Houston Texans ... and somewhere I have a Colts rally towel from the game there in 2013. 

NOTHING for this team tends to end well, when a towel is involved.  ("bts" voice) That's what Mark Mangino's assistants would say!  (Pause).  (scott hall voice) Hey yo!

* Finally tonight? 

I hope to get the recap done tomorrow of the Texans game (likely to be posted in two parts; it's currently at 23 pages in Word).  I hope to get to Crown Center and Union Station tomorrow or Friday at the latest, to see what the scene down there looks like.  The Team Store notified me "The Poster" will be available after 2pm tomorrow. 

(Guessing GameDay Pins won't be there until sometime Saturday.)

And as always ... just be you.  All of us are f*cked up and fatally flawed.  It's why we need a Savior (even if some of us (hey!  That's me!), rarely if ever acknowledge that fact).  Just be you.  Because no matter how f*cked up and flawed you are?

God don't make mistakes.

Never doubt that.  #suicideprevention #justbeyou #believeinyourself

y day minus five

We'll see him (again) Sunday at approximately 1:57pm CT folks.  Holy hell!  #goosebumps  Although I wish it was Melissa Etheridge, David Cook, or (most especially) Patti DiParto-Livergood.  In the words of Sammy Sosa: "God Bless America!  What a beautiful country!"

(Pause).

And actually, that's today's nominee for the drum leader / spiritual advisor to open Sunday: Patti DiParto-Livergood.  Jesus, she's an even better choice than Marty (yesterday's (unworkable) selection), if we're being honest here, given that it's her father's Spirit Award every opening Chop honors ...

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Five days out, and time for some lies, damned lies, and statisticals, mostly via espn.com's box score ...

* Deshaun Watson became the first quarterback in NFL history to throw for over 350 yards, account for at least three TD's, not turn the ball over, and lose a playoff game while leading by at least three scores at some point.  Poor guy.

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* The Chiefs ran sixty two total plays, not counting extra points.  (I am counting four punts -- one blocked -- and one field goal try (which was good).)  Sixty two plays.

So let's start narrowing down, to try to note just how epic this avalanche of points was, on Sunday afternoon.

* Sixty two minus four punts equals fifty eight.

* Fifty eight minus three kneel downs to end the game, equals fifty five.

* The Chiefs had a four and out on their next to last drive (counting the punt), so fifty five minus three (we already erased the punt above), gives us fifty two.

* The Chiefs ran twelve plays before their first score.  Fifty two minus twelve, is (mike gundy voice) forty!

In forty plays, the Chiefs scored fifty one points.  They averaged over a point a play!  And if that isn't insane enough?

* The Chiefs had one first down before their first touchdown (twelve plays, as noted above), and none after the final score, the field goal (seven plays).  That's nineteen of the sixty two, so that leaves 43 meaningful plays, for better or for worse.

Care to guess how many of those 43 plays resulted in a touchdown and/or field goal?

Well duh, you already know that -- eight.

That takes us down to 35 plays.

Care to guess of those 35 plays that did not result in a punt, score, or "fell outside the scoring range", resulted in a first down for Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs"?

(Warning: sit down, people.  You're going to want to sit down.)

Ready?

Twenty Eight.

In the 43 most important plays of the game -- none of which saw the Chiefs turn it over or punt, all 43 of which contributed to scoring fifty one points and winning by twenty -- in the 43 most important plays of the game?

36 of them were either a first down, or a score.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is un-f*cking-believable.

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* The Chiefs longest drive of the game occurred before the half.  It lasted eight plays.  It ended with one of the greatest shovel passes of all time, Mr. Mahomes to Mr. Kelce to give the Chiefs the lead. 

* And as noted yesterday across multiple platforms?  No team in NFL history had ever trailed by twenty one pilots plus in the first half, and led at the half ... until Sunday.

* A statistical in praise of the Titans actually -- in the last three weeks, they have (a) beaten the AFC South champ on the road, to clinch a Wild Card berth, (b) beaten the AFC East champ on the road, to win the Wild Card Game, and (c) beaten the AFC Norris champ on the road, to reach the Conference Championship.  If they win on Sunday, they will (I believe) become the first team in NFL history to beat all four divisional champions on the road, in a "win or go home" mode (aka "the playoffs ... or Week Seventeen also"). 

Whatever happens Sunday, give the Titans all the credit in the world.  What they have done to arrive at Arrowhead is nothing short of unbelievable.  If you had told me leaving Nashville three months ago that I had just left an AFC Title Game preview?  I'd have laughed you all the way back to Broadway.  (pink voice) Who knew?

* Finally, I took Cousin Chase to the aeropuerto on Monday.  My adopted cousin is a huge Giants fan.  As I tried to convey what this week -- and last year at this time -- mean to me, and my Chiefs family, the only thing I could note is this.  Chase was 9 when the Giants made the Super Bowl against the Ravens.  Which would make him 17 and 21 when the Giants won the Super Bowl against the Patriots.

His team had accomplished more at age nine, than mine had until age 42 for me.  His team has made three Super Bowls in his lifetime (and counting); this is the greatest shot mine has had, to just make it one, let alone win it twice like the Giants have in this century.

I pray every Chiefs fan going Sunday, or just watching somewhere on Sunday, understands how massive this game is.

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As for the Tuesday Updates? 

I honestly have very few.

* The menu is still TBD.  We kind of blew our load prematurely (shaddup!) with Texans Tenderloin.  (We usually do Titan Tenderloin.)  I'm personally rooting for Titan Tacos, because Jesus, what could be easier than throwing some taco meat in a crock pot, throwing a few tortillas on the grill, and load up some Tupperware bowls with lettuce, 'maters, cheese, and cilantro?  But we'll see.  I guarantee you I'll get outvoted.  Which to be fair, is probably a good thing; I'm the dumb ass who thought a baked potato bar was a great idea back for the Steelers in 2015.  That ... did not go over well.

* My buddy Andrew gets in sometime Friday night, weather willing.  He's bringing his roomie Brock with him (which is cool; I like the guy), plus "some Titans reinforcements".  ((norm macdonald voice) Note to self: buy additional Kingdom Ale's and Banquet's for Sunday.)

* "Jersey" Bob is apparently choking down the $2,000 plus flight to make it.  (I assume he's on the hook for "Cousin" Chase and wherever the hell Pat fits into the equation.) 

As I noted going home Sunday, it would have been cheaper to just re-rent his room at the InterContinental for a week and stay here, than fly home and come back.  Should have listened I guess.  Anyways, hope he makes it; the Chiefs are now 6-0 in the "Fat" Andy Reid era at Arrowhead, when that guy is there.

* The Bus departure time is also TBD.  There is no way in hell the Chiefs can hold off opening the gates until 9am.  (They couldn't make it to 8am on Sunday.)  Plus, as I've already noted at work: "there's no way I'm sleeping Saturday night, and there's no way I'll be sober before noon on Wednesday, win or lose".  Thank God Monday is a holiday.

If I was to set an over/under five days out, I'd set it at 5am, and I'm sadly not joking about that.  I'm bringing my comforter with me for a nap, if need be.

* The current forecast for Sunday is 30 and cloudy at kickoff.  Beats the hell out of last year's Conference Title Game kickoff of barely four and misty, with a windchill well below freezing.

Finally ...

* FOX4 locally here in KC is replaying arguably the greatest Chiefs victory of our lifetimes (until Sunday), the Monday Night comeback at Real Mile High on October 17, 1994.  If you weren't old enough to have lived it (hello @chasingsnyder), or haven't seen it in a while?  Plan to tune in, if not record it.  The last fifteen minutes are so f*cking amazing.  It is EVERYTHING you could want in a football game.  Seriously.  In the last four minutes on the clock ...

* The Chiefs score to go up 24-21 with barely four to play.

* The Chiefs get the ball back, via a those people fumble on the first play after the kickoff at the (I believe) 4:02 mark.  (Note: this is when I stormed out of my buddy Jasson's house, and headed home, as once detailed in my favorite post I've ever, uuh, posted.)

* Those people get the ball back, via a Marcus Allen fumble on the next play.

* A couple plays later, the antichrist scores a touchdown with 1:32 to play ... with only ten those people on the field.  Dave Adolph Defense everyone!!!!! 

(Note: Mr. Adolph was fired after the 1994 season -- deservedly so.  How the hell do you let a team with ten men on the field, trying to call a timeout to remedy that debacle, on (I believe) a 4th down to boot, to score on a QB draw up the center, untouched?  I should also note, this is about the moment I got home from Jasson's, to enter the house hearing even my mom cursing.  You know it's a Bret Hart-style screwjob, when my mom is dropping simple "dammit!" blasts.  You also know it's an epic, franchise-altering game, when my mom is awake at 11:15pm on a school night ... and has nothing to say about my still being up, doing the same thing.  I was a senior in high school in 1994; she was still twelve years away from retiring after teaching sixth grade for pushing forty years.  #goodtimes)

* And then, "The Drive", at least for us Chiefs fans:



So many classic one liners.  "How's it feel, john?", as Dan Dierdorf openly mocked the antichrist standing helpless on the sideline.  "Lord you can take me now, I have seen it all!"  "Aah!  Poor Wade (Phillips)!  His team did everything ... but win!" 

For those of you who don't understand my irrational love of Dan Dierdorf?  Tune in Saturday night around 8:30pm CT on FOX4KC, and watch the last twenty, thirty minutes, of Dan Dierdorf openly rooting for the Chiefs in the broadcast booth.

I'm not sure what's coming tomorrow -- hopefully a finished recap of Sunday! -- but you'll get something.  (nsync voice) This I promise?  You ...

the week to come ...

I'll skip the usual theme song and/or video ...

* Sunday, 2:07pm CT, Titans at Chiefs.  It is -- and I know this could be said about last year's AFC Title Game too, but whatever -- this is, simply put, THE biggest game of my Chiefs fandom, and I just turned 43 years old.

Because for the first time?  The Chiefs have no excuse to lose, one step short of a Super Bowl.

In 1994, they faced the last gasp of the Bills AFC Dynasty ... a gasp that proved successful.

In 2019, they faced the greatest coach / quarterback combo, on arguably their last gasp, with one hell of a tight end to boot ... a gasp that proved successful.

In 2020?  They face a fired quarterback, a former Chiefs linebacker turned Titans coach, and a running back that owes Tyrann Mathieu a sh*t ton of back rent.

Sunday, peoples and peepettes?  Is going to be the greatest party this fine city has ever thrown.  And it is going to be real, and it is going to be spectacular.

* So the plan is a post a day, until GameDay, like last week.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  You're godd*mned right I'm within shouting distance of Post 1,000!  (It's eight away after this one.)

I have half the recap of Sunday done -- I have everything through tailgating, and my thoughts on the second quarter.  I still have to deal with the opening quarter debacle, and Eric Fisher channeling his "Stone Cold" Steve Austin so brilliantly (plus a few other things).  I hope to have that done tomorrow, but my work schedule is a b*tch right now, so I can only work on this place before or after the job I get paid to do.  So it may be Wednesday before that is up.  (But it will go up.  Sunday needs to be preserved for the ages, if nothing else, from my perspective.)

* If I can chug enough shiraz, I might try to look back at "Fat" Andy Reid's title game performances.  Emphasis on "if"; I'm not sure there's enough red wine in the five-county metropolitan area to look back at a 1-5 (so far) mark of abject failure.

* On the other hand, this is "Fat" Andy Reid's seventh conference championship game (five in Philly, two here).  To put that into perspective?  "Fat" Andy has made as many conference championship games in his twenty one years as a head coach (seven) ... as seasons he has missed the playoffs (seven).  So basically, he's a one in three shot to reach a title game when the season kicks off ... and a one in two shot to make it there, if his team is playing in January.  That is f*cking incredible.

* I'll just go ahead and ask it, assuming a couple outcomes on Sunday: will Kansas City implode on itself from 2,400,000 plus people simultaneously laughing out loud, when Dee Ford jumping offsides on a 3rd and 4 with 0:39 left, hands the Chiefs a 38-34 victory over the 49ers in the Super Bowl?   I mean seriously, can two and a half million people laughing so hard at the same time they (justin timberlake voice) cry (us) a new river through Midtown, cause buildings to collapse?  Cause traffic signals and regulations to cease to exist?  I really hope we get to find out in twenty days.

* No word yet on a menu and/or game plan for Sunday.  Just please be polite to my buddy Andrew coming in for this one.  He's about the biggest Titans fan you'll ever meet.  He's dropped more for his ticket, than I'm paying for mine.  (#stmperks)  He's also driving 8 hours in (projected) miserable weather on Friday, to be here.  Whatever one may think of "the enemy", you HAVE to respect a dude who is literally risking his job, to be here for his team's shot at a Super Bowl.  I'd have done that when I was 25 (like Andrew is ... no wait, he just turned 26, my bad).

I'm not sure I'd do that at 43 ... well hell, of course I would, only thank God Monday is a holiday for us controlled by the accounting, finance, and/or banking industry.

* If I Could Pick The Ceremonial Drummer Sunday, It Would Be Marty Schottenheimer.  I know he can't do it physically and mentally (godd*mmit), but he'd be my choice if there was even a 2.49% chance of it working.  Having said that, Bill Cowher honoring his greatness Saturday night, when he was notified on the pregame show on CBS that Mr. Cowher had made the Hall of Fame?  Moved me to tears.

* Finally, there were two moments from yesterday that made me simply have to (literally) take a seat, because the moment overwhelmed me.

One was during tailgating.  (You'll have to wait for the recap ... and at least three of you (possibly?  hopefully?  drunkenly?  Since it involved you) reading this, can guess the moment without even thinking about it * .

The other one?

Was the most underrated moment in yesterday's comeback.

The only person who seems to have noticed it so far, is Bill Barnwell.  (As always -- just assume anyone Bill Simmons hired for the late, great Grantland, is way too qualified for their job.)

And that second "I had to sit and think" moment, probably deserves a spot in my all-time "What If Game" moments that is ten years overdue to be updated.

Because "What If Bill O'Brien Uses His Pair and Goes For It On Fourth and One, Instead of Kicking The Gimme Field Goal That Opened Up the Back Door To the Comeback Of The Year?"

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(*: I apologize for nothing of how I felt, at the four of us realizing, we have been amazing ... (sh*t, I'm tearing up) ... amazing, incredible friends for damned near our entire lives ... well over half of them in all cases ... and that realization, just brought the conversation to a deader silence than you could imagine.  Sometimes, you just have to step back and realize ** , how amazing God is, to give us this gift we call "life" ... and more importantly, just give thanks for those of us, He chooses to let us share it with.)

(**: one of my most underrated posts ever.)

-------------------

Until tomorrow, just be you.  Unless if it violates criminal law.  Then ... don't be me.  (Rimshot!)

In all seriousness, just be you.

You are who God made you to be.

And these Chiefs?

Are who God made them to be.

Or at least I hope so ...

the chiefs texans divisional pick ...

"I've been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something?  I can believe in.
And looking for that magic rainbow
On the horizon; I couldn't see it ...

Until I let go, and gave into love,
And watched all the bitterness burn.
Now I'm coming alive; body and soul!
Feeling my word start to turn!

So I'll taste every moment!
And live it out loud!
And know this is the time!
This is the time to be ...

More than a moment!
Or a face in the crowd!
I know this is the time!
This is the time of my life!!! ..."

-- "Time Of My Life" by David Cook ... who I really hope, is available to sing the National Anthem if needed at Arrowhead, come 2:05pm next Sunday ...

--------------------

* The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.

Four years ago, walking into NRG Reliant for the Chiefs / Texans Wild Card Game, I noted to my buddy Ryan that "if we (meaning, the Chiefs), if we can't win this game, then we're never going to win a playoff game".  I made that statement, because two years earlier, as Ryan and I were standing in the beer line at halftime of the Chiefs / Colts Wild Card Game, I noted that "we've waited twenty (bleeping) years for this!"

Of course, two years ago, after the Chiefs blew an eighteen point lead to the Texans, I had to literally be carried out from everyone's favorite lounge, because apparently I consumed approximately fifteen shots after the defeat.  (Note: I don't recall this ... so it was probably closer to twenty shots, but still.)

The Chiefs have playoff history against the AFC South.  In "Fat" Andy's six playoff appearances, this will mark the fifth time the first game has been against a team from the South.  (Only 2016, when the Chiefs opened against the Steelers, did we avoid a team from that division.)

And this season, the Chiefs went 1-3 against the AFC South, including 0-2 at Arrowhead.

On paper, this game terrifies me.  I don't think it's possible to overstate what the loss of Juan Thornhill will mean to this team.  (Simply put, it's devastating.)  The Texans certainly won't be intimidated by the Chiefs, by Pat Mahomes "Of The Chiefs", or by us, the fans.  They not only have already won at Arrowhead this year, they did so after trailing by two touchdowns entering the second quarter. 

We know their game plan will be solid, their offense can easily put up thirty plus points, and they have the running game to do the one thing most teams that beat the Chiefs do flawlessly: hold onto the ball and grind down the clock via the ground game.

I also have been on record all week as noting that the line (Chiefs -9 1/2) is the most f*cking ridiculous point spread I may have ever seen involving the Chiefs.  There is no way in hell this line is anything other than drunk, stoned, or both.  It's at least five points too high.  At least.

Having said all of that ...

--------------------

This game is going to finish one of two ways, in my (rarely) humble opinion.  Either the Chiefs are going to comfortably win this game, or the Texans are going to steal this one as time expires.  I don't see the Texans winning by three scores, and I don't see the Chiefs winning a close game.  Either the Chiefs will win relatively easily, or the postseason run ends before it reaches Game Two.

If this were against any other team, or against any other quarterback, I'd confidently type "Chiefs 31, Texans 13" and move on.  (I still have to dig New Tito out from the ice and snow, and get going to The Second Parents for dinner and the Titans / Ravens game.)  Because to be honest, this game terrifies me. 

But sometimes?  Fear is one hell of a motivator.  And I think it will be on Sunday for the Chiefs.

So I'm going to say * at Chiefs (-9 1/2) 41, Texans 21, in a game that probably won't even seem that close.  And then, for only the third time in my life, we can properly respect a week every NFL team dreams of reaching every season: Conference Championship Week.

Enjoy the games everyone.  But remember -- it's just a game.  Have fun with them.  I know I plan to ...

the divisional picks

So ... "The Ex" always got gets a birthday month.

I hope to get a birthday week.

And your lead / theme?  Is from my 22nd Birthday -- January 3, 1999 ... the greatest NFL game I never attended, but watched every second of:



Twenty one years later?  The finale never gets old * .

(*: eight years old, the other lead / theme below?  Still never gets old either.  #justbeyou)

Here's to hoping, wishing, and praying, we get a game like this, uuh, this week, between these two teams, on the other side of the NFL Postseason bracket ... to say nothing of the one, on the Chiefs side of the NFL Postseason bracket ...

--------------------

The Statisticals.

Last Week SU: 2-2-0.
Last Week ATS: 2-1-0.

--------------------

The Non-Chiefs Picks.

Last week gave us four epic games.

This week?  I believe will give us two. 

One not involving the Chiefs and/or Texans.

Anyways, here we go:

* Vikings (+7) 27, at 49ers 13.  Gun to my head, the bomb to Adam Thielen in the opening minutes of overtime, is arguably the gutsiest call of the entire 2019 NFL season.  You're entrusting a quarterback whose entire reputation is based on choking when it counts, to complete a forty something yard bomb in the insane asylum known as the Mercedes-Benz Superdome, with the game on the line.

And Kirk Cousins completes it, with relative ease.

Folks?  If the Saints can't slow down the Vikings at home?  Do you really think the ultimate "wine and cheese crowd" in Santa Clara can manage to make enough noise to distract and discombobulate, the Vikings?

They won't.  Vikings advance with relative ease.

(Also -- this isn't a prime time game.  Something Kirk Cousins can't avoid next week ... but he can again this week.)

* at Ravens (-10) 45, Titans 3.  For two weeks, the best regular season team has had to listen to various (alleged) credible pundits declare that they're not the best regular season team this season.  They've had to listen to (alleged) credible pundits declare that the Titans are vastly underrated, that the Ravens are insanely overrated, and that one man (Derrick Henry) is so unstoppable, the Ravens might as well not even show up, in their own stadium, with the season on the line.

In the words of Chad Ochocinco: "Child?  Please!"

This is going to be an ass kicking of Biblical proportions, as my dad would say.  This is going to be an utter and total destruction from the moment "go".  The Ravens are not losing this game.  This game will be over with so early, I might get ten hours of sleep Saturday night, and I am fully aware The Bus is leaving for Arrowhead no later than 6:15am Sunday morning * .

I have argued all week the Chiefs / Texans line is at least five points too high.  (I stand behind that statement -- the Chiefs should not be four point favorites at NRG Reliant (which being favored by ten suggests they would be), and anyone with an IQ above room temperature knows that.) 

This line?  Is at least five points too low.  This is going to be an absolute destruction -- to the utter dismay of us Chiefs fans.  Baltimore in an epic route on the Saturday Divisional Round prime timer, the likes of which we haven't seen, since Tim Tebow was losing 45-10 in New England, nine years ago.

(*: full details coming in the Chiefs / Texans pick manana.)

* at Packers 24, Seahawks (+4) 21 (OT). 

This ... is going to be one epic battle.

Sadly, Matt Hasselbeck won't be on the field to open overtime to declare "we want the ball, and we're going to score!"  Because that worked out so well last time.

But -- but! -- the intrigue of this game is so effing awesome.

Russell Wilson back in Wisconsin (albeit a few hours northeast of Madison).

Aaron Rodgers with his best shot at a second Super Bowl since ... losing in overtime in Seattle in the 2014 postseason.

And no matter what the other game's outcome is?  It's one of (mike gundy voice) four! (chanel west coast voice) ridiculousness(ly)! sick matchups next week. 

It's either Vikings at Packers (a really solid rivalry), Seahawks at 49ers (a properly rated rivalry), or Vikings at Seahawks (two great MNF games the last two years) or Packers at 49ers (a return to the late 1990s / early 2000s glory years of that rivalry).

We are all winners, no matter who wins these three games -- especially the two NFC ones.

--------------------

So here we go, people.  Four games, four conference championship spots up for grabs.  Somehow, three of the four home teams are favored by at least a touchdown.  This is going to be real, and it is going to be spectacular.

Just like twenty one years ago, by the Bay.

(Good God.  That game is old enough to drink!)

--------------------

Be safe out there tonight, KC.  Brush Creek has already overflowed onto South Ward Parkway, and it's a watery mess outside the Intercontinental.  (I spend my happy hour there tonight, with "Uncle" Bob, and wherever the hell Pat fits in, to the family configuration.)

And until tomorrow?

three days out

"My eyes are open wide;
And by the way?
I made it through the day.

I watched the world outside;
And by the way?
I'm leaving out today.

I just saw Haley's comet;
She waved, and said
Why're you always running in place?

Even the man in the moon
Disappeared?
Somewhere in the stratosphere!

Tell my mother!
Tell my father!
That I've done the best I can

To make them realize --
This is my life!
I hope they understand!

I'm not angry.
I'm just saying?
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance ...

-- "Second Chance" by Shinedown.

--------------------

Not many status updates to report today ... namely, none.

I had to work late, so I missed the Seven Foot Mahomes Bobblehead at the JC Nichols Fountain.  (Dammit.)

But, if you have a few spare dollars, someone I've bought a lot of Chiefs artwork off of, Chris Sembower, is this week's artist for the GameDay poster the Chiefs are selling, and it is spectacular:

If you've got a few spare bucks (namely, about thirty of them), feel free to send some his way, via the Chiefs Team Store.

And now, today's post: a look at "Fat" Andy Reid's rebounds, his second chances.

Which, on fifth glance?

Aren't as bad as the first four glances, made them look to me ...

--------------------

2013:

We're not off to a great start here.  "Fat" Andy only won one rematch out of four, and it was against the lowly oakland raiders.  Having said that ... the Chiefs had nothing to play for in Week Sixteen (vs Colts) or Week Seventeen (at "Super" Chargers), as those people had already clinched the division, and the "battle" for the six seed was so ugly the Chiefs were locked into the five seed in Week Fifteen.  So losing the first round to Indy, and the rematch to the "Super" Chargers doesn't bother me at all.  "Fat" Andy played those games right: you try to win, but play the backups and rest up for the game that counts.

But oh brother, that game that counted.  Blowing a four touchdown second half lead.  Suffering the second worst collapse in postseason history.  (Only the Oilers blowing a thirty two point lead at Buffalo in the 1992 Wild Card Round is greater ... or worse, depending on your perspective.)

So through one season, "Fat" Andy is 1-3-0 in the first matchup, and 1-3-0 in the second, for a total of 2-6-0 in games that count as series.  That ... to channel, well, me, back in the day: (stevo in college voice) that's no bueno.

2014:

The only series in 2014 were against the division, and although there was no way to know this five years ago ... this is the last time "Fat" Andy failed to win at least five divisional games (out of six) in a season.  Truly, "Fat" Andy dominance over the AFC West is nothing short of incredible -- he started 5-7 against the division ... and has gone 27-3 since, for a total of 32-10 in seven seasons.  When you're guaranteed five divisional wins?  You not only will hold every tiebreaker, but you simply have to go 5-5 against the rest of the schedule, to get at least a wild card berth in all likelihood, and 7-3 against the rest of the schedule all but guarantees you the division and a bye.  (This season, the Chiefs went 6-0 against the division, and 6-4 against everyone else ... to get to 12-4 and a bye, for the third time in four years.  The only non-bye year?  They did exactly what I said two sentences ago: went 5-1 against the division, and 5-5 against everyone else, to win the West at 10-6.  Winning in the division is so f*cking important in the NFL, it cannot possibly be understated.)

The Week Twelve loss at oakland in 2014 is arguably the most crushing regular season defeat of the "Fat" Andy Reid era.  (And by "arguably", I mean "unquestionably".)  The loss not only gave the 0-10 raiders a victory, not only cost the Chiefs a wild card berth (although the Week One loss to a god awful Titans team, and the Week Sixteen loss in Pittsburgh, didn't help either), but after undergoing some X-Rays, Chiefs S Eric Berry was diagnosed with cancer in the aftermath of that debacle of a defeat.  Just a total disaster of a game, that let to a total disaster of a finish (closing 2-4 after opening 7-3).

Through two seasons, "Fat" Andy is 2-5-0 in the first matchup, and 3-4-0 in the second, for a total of 5-9-0 in series.  That's still (stevo in college voice) no bueno.

2015:

Now we're talking!  The only defeat in the 2015 series matchups was the epic collapse in Week Two, when the Chiefs blew a seven point lead with three minutes to play to those people.  (Note: this is the only other regular season game I'd consider as the worst of the "Fat" Andy Reid era.  More for off the field sh*t than on it ... and given that collapse, that's saying something.)  Every other game resulted in victory, including the game all of us hoped and prayed would end satan manning's career in Week Ten.  (Sadly, it did not.)

Also, don't forget how tough those last three rematches were.  The "Super" Chargers game was played in below freezing temperatures with a windchill well below zero.  (Trust me: I was there.  It was insanely cold.)  The raiders went .500 that season, building towards their "breakthrough" in 2016, and were in the thick of the wild card race well into December.  (The first matchup in oakland was between two 6-5 teams.)  And whatever one may think of your 2015 Houston Texans (namely, they might be the worst division winner of the last five years), they still won the division, and the Chiefs hadn't won a playoff game anywhere in twenty two years when they stepped onto the field at NRG Reliant exactly five years ago today.  Nothing was a given.  The Chiefs earned everything they achieved that season.

Through three seasons, "Fat" Andy is now 5-6-0 in the first matchup, and 7-4-0 in the second, for a total of 12-10-0 in series matchups.  That's better.

2016:

Six and oh against the division!  Awesome.

Oh and two against the Steelers.  One a complete "bend over, assume the position, and take it without the lube" ass-raping, the other a home playoff defeat without allowing a touchdown.  Good Lord.  What a missed opportunity 2016 was.

Through four seasons, "Fat" Andy is now 8-7-0 in the first matchup, and 10-5-0 in the second, for a total of 18-12-0 in series matchups.  60% ain't bad.  It beats the 33% "Fat" Andy stood at, after season uno.

2017:

One of only two seasons (2014) that featured only divisional rematches.  And frankly, when your only loss in the series matchups is because the raiders got not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, not eight, but nine -- NINE! -- f*cking tries from the goalline inside of ten seconds to play?  I'm not going to complain about the defeat.  I didn't then * , and I won't now.

Also, although some of us suspected it at the time ... that Week Seventeen win in the eighth layer of hell itself, will someday be looked upon as the moment the Chiefs fates changed forever.  I know I'm right on this.  And yes, it gives me sick, sadistic pleasure to know that the moment those people went from the benchmark to the used port-a-potty toilet paper of the division, occurred because of Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs".

Through five seasons, "Fat" Andy is now 10-8-0 in the first matchup, and 13-5-0 in the second, for a series record of 23-13-0.

(*: this is an abject lie.  I still complain about the "officiating" by Craig Wrolstad and his crew, in that game.  And yes, the fact I know who officiated a random regular season three years ago frightens the hell out of me too.)

2018:

Hang on, let me check something.

(stevo looking back at his spreadsheet data ...)

Holy sh*t, Batman!  2018 is the ONLY season so far in which "Fat" Andy won the first matchup against a foe, and lost the second!  (emf voice) That's unbelievable!

Of course, the two defeats to the Patriots stand out ... but given where both games stood at the half (9-24 in Foxboro, 0-14 at Arrowhead)?  To lose on a field goal as time expired, and then in overtime (after having the game won, f*cking Dee Ford), I can almost live with it.

(Well, I can live with the first outcome.  2019 is all about one thing: erasing the shame, of the second one.)

Through six seasons, this puts "Fat" Andy at 13-9-0 in the first matchup, and 15-7-0 in the second, for a total of 28-16-0 in the series matchups, entering ...

2019:

And so, here we are.  For the third time in four seasons, "Fat" Andy swept the division.  And frankly, he didn't just "sweep" it, he dominated it.  Winning by twenty four in fake mile high.  Closing out the Real Black Hole by eighteen.  Beating the "Super" Chargers comfortably enough in Mexico.  And winning the three divisional home games by a total of fifty one points -- all by at least ten, and all save for the game against those people, by MORE than the Chiefs won the first matchup.

(And let's be fair here: winning by "only" twenty instead of twenty four, is not something to be upset about.  Because we got to play in this!

So much fun!  Image credit: me, via my iPhone X something.)

So entering Sunday, "Fat" Andy is 16-10-0 in the first matchup, and 18-7-0 in the second, for a total (again, entering Sunday) of 34-17-0 in series matchups, during his seven seasons here in Kansas City.

That ... well, as Vice President Biden noted in his 2008 Acceptance Speech ** : "Since I have never been called a man of few words".  Neither have I sir.

But "Fat" Andy's rematch record?

Has left me speechless.

And no, I'm not referencing the highly underrated political comedy starring Geena Davis, Michael Keaton, Ernie Hudson, Bonnie Bedelia (God, I miss "Parenthood") ... and the late, great Christopher Reeve, when I type "Speechless" ...

--------------------

(**: I irrationally love that man.  I always will.  And I will never make any apologies for it.  Even if I'm #teampete at this point.  And holy hell, we're less than four weeks away from #campaign2020!  This ... is going to be awesome!  Right down to a brokered convention that HRC will probably steal in Milwaukee in seven months!  Love it, hate it, loathe it, despise it, vote for it, vote against it, vomit at the thought of doing either of those things -- the 2020 Democratic nomination process is going to be one epic dog / pony / puppy / rubber chicken show!)

--------------------

And so, here we are.  Less than seventy hours out from one of the most anticipated playoff games I can remember.  In the span of seventy hours here in Kansas City, our forecast has gone from mid-40s and sunny to below freezing with ice and six to ten inches of snow on the ground *** .  We're going to have a playoff game featuring two quarterbacks who rarely if ever have seen snow prior to their arrival in the National ... Football League, let alone played in it.  (Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" is 2-0 in the snow, beating the Colts in last year's Divisional Round, and those people four weeks ago.  I have no idea if Deshaun Watson has ever played in the snow ... but I would bet he hasn't.)

--------------------

(***: my favorite Tweet of today was from some dude (I think) from WGN in Chicago, who lamented that the NFL can't flip the Saturday and Sunday games, because if they could, we'd have snow games in both Kansas City and Green Bay.  I couldn't agree more.  If it's going to be miserably cold?  At least let it snow!  Because NOTHING sucks more than sunny, (somewhat) cloudless skies when it's negative thirteen out!)

Doubt me?  Patriots at Chiefs, January 20, 2019:

So cold the godd*mned concrete is frozen.

Or Colts at Chiefs, January 12, 2019:

Yeah.  Cold is always better when it's snowing.  Image credit(s): me, via my iPhone X something.)

--------------------

Sunday's game is a rubber match for the Chiefs.  As noted in the long-winded post above, "Fat" Andy is reasonably good at winning the second matchup, winning nearly 75% of them.  (He's 18/25, or 72% entering Sunday ... and would rise to 19/26, or 73%, with a win.  Or fall to 18/26, or 69%, with a loss.  That's ... that's not a big move either way, actually.)

As also noted in the clipped spreadsheet above, the Chiefs are guaranteed, with a win, another rubber match -- either they will host the Titans (who beat the Chiefs in Nashville) or visit the Ravens (who we beat at Arrowhead).

And should the Chiefs emerge victorious from these next two -- versus Houston and TBD?  They've got a 50/50 shot at a third rematch against either the Packers (who won at Arrowhead) or the Vikings (who lost at Arrowhead) ... or face a team they have played within the last sixteen months: the 49ers (who lost at Arrowhead) or Seahawks (who won at Century Link).

This league's teams are getting so cozy with each other, we might have to contemplate incest charges, by the time 2022 arrives.

--------------------

I entered this exercise worried about what the "series matchups" numbers would look like, especially after seeing the 2013 and 2014 results.

I emerge from it strangely and quietly confident about what is about to happen.

Because while there may be lies, damned lies, and statisticals?

#FactsDontLie

And the facts are this:

* "Fat" Andy is 18-3 after a bye in the regular season (5-2 in Kansas City).

* He is a more remarkable 5-1 in the postseason after a bye (1-1 in Kansas City).

6-3 in KC with an extra week to prepare.  18-7 in his second chance at an opponent in the same season, here in Kansas City, with Sunday (and hopefully next week) to pad the record even better.

I'll take my chances on Sunday.  Because the odds are?  The second chance is going to pay off.

May the goodbye from Philadelphia ... mean the greatest decision ever, regarding the second chance "Fat" Andy Reid has in front of him.  Please, let this happen.

--------------------

Until tomorrow, once again:

four days out

"You're the whisper of a summer breeze;
You're the kiss that puts my soul?  At ease!
What I'm saying is?  I'm into you!

Here's my story, and the story goes --
You give love?  You'll get love!
And more than heaven knows!

You're gonna see!
I'm gonna run, I'm gonna try!
I'm gonna take this love right to ya!

All my heart!
All the joy!
Oh baby, baby please!

(Rush!  Rush!)
Hurry, hurry lover come to me!
(Rush!  Rush!)
I wanna see, I wanna see ya get free with me!

(Rush!  Rush!)
I can feel it!  I can feel you all through me!
(Rush!  Rush!)
Ooh!  What you do to me! ..."

-- "Rush Rush" by (Simon Cowell voice) Pauler Abdul.  And yes, that is THE Keanu Reeves, as her "rush rush" lover in the music video.  (Pause).  Yes.  Yes.  If you put a gun to my head?  1989-1991 is the greatest three years in music history ...

--------------------

(Some) Wednesday Updates!

(And that's all y'all get tonight; my day at work did not go as planned.)

* The Chiefs STM Email arrived about 11am today!

So ... the Chiefs are allegedly giving us only five hours to properly prepare for warfare ... and that's more like four, since we'll break down and head in by 1pm.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  You're godd*mned right I'm calling bullsh*t on that!

Those gates will be flung wide open by 8am at the latest.  Because we'll back Gates Six and Seven out onto Stadium Drive by 7:30am at the latest.

(Note: I have an email in to my "highly placed source who speaks only on the condition of anonymity", the awesome "Rufus" (again, why do I use ""'s around his actual name?), anyways, I've asked "Rufus" what he thinks of this email sent today.  For the record, he has never mislead me on Gate Six's opening time.  Based on past precedent?  I'd set the over/under at 7:45am, and bet the under.)

* At least they're not giving out a towel.  As my good tailgating buddy Ryan points out, we're 0 for forever, when handing out towels, entering a playoff game.  (The first 50,000 get a flag on Sunday.  La de f*cking dah; I have more Chiefs flags hanging in my office than pictures of my family ... and that's not a good thing, I think.  On the other hand ... I have the towel from 2016, both towels from 2017, and the towel from 2018 -- to say nothing of the towel from January 4, 1998 -- hanging on each shelf in memoriam of the season I absorbed said towel.  Yes, each season ended, with said towel give-away.  So ... go flag?)

* On the other hand, I'm bring this bastardo out on Sunday, as my John Thompson / Jerry Tarkanian Memorial "Bite the F*ck Out Of It" Stress Towel:

(From the playoff game in Houston (mike gundy voice) four! years ago.  Image credit: me, via my iPhone whatever the hell it was, (mike gundy voice) four! years ago.)

* Have to give a shout-out to my good friend Cindy, who managed to replace my Second Mom's floor mats in her Tahoe over the weekend, and said Mom didn't notice until this morning, when she texted me and asked "who the hell put the Chiefs mats in this thing?  I love them!"  Sadly, it wasn't my doing ... but kudos to people smarter than me.

* Travel Updates: "Uncle" Bob, "Cousin" Chase, and wherever the hell Pat fits in, arrive late Friday. 

Mahomies (most of them -- Chance lives here in the metro) arrives midday Saturday. 

We'll all be in line at Gate Six, by 7:30am at the latest.

* Bus Update: we've all seen the weather forecast for the next few days.  It ain't pretty.  (For those not in KC at this moment?  Rain and mid 50s Thursday.  Rain and mid 30s Friday.  Snow and mid 20s Sunday.  Somehow?  40 and sunny at kickoff Sunday.  As the artist formerly known as "the champ" would note?  "That's doable!")

So we're making our beer and liquor run tomorrow, loading the coolers tomorrow night (since it'll be below freezing from mid-day Friday until sometime Sunday morning), then turning that bastardo around, putting a tarp over the windshield, and will be ready to roll at 7am Sunday.

* The Menu has stayed the same.  Other than Mahomies checked in via Coltin, and emphasized that there will be authentic chorizo in the breakfast burrito mix.  (Pause).  Should I employ a Peter Griffin voice to state the obvious?  (Pause).  Yeah, I probably shouldn't have. 

Anyways, there you go.

* The Chiefs Jerseys went on the Founders in, uuh, Founders Plaza, this afternoon.  (43rd and Broadway, for the clueless.) 

Mahomes, Kelce, Mathieu.  15, 87, 32.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Kudos to Bunker (or whoever provided them; it's usually Bunker); it makes the drive in tomorrow, and Friday, and hopefully all next week?  Look so much classier. 

Also, tomorrow, there are flags and jerseys to be hoisted along the north shore of Ward Parkway, and along 47th Street on The Plaza ... and the Seven Foot Mahomes Bobblehead will be at the JC Nichols Fountain from 2-5pm CT tomorrow. 

(Or, as my brother would note -- given we took his wedding party pics at that park and fountain almost fifteen years ago: "they finally cleaned up after us!"  #truth)

--------------------

* Finally tonight, a quick personal note. 

(Note: if you are offended by personal take on your right to kill your kid abortion?  Check out now.)

Tomorrow, my mom turns seventy.

And tomorrow, marks the 43rd anniversary, of her taking me home, for the first time.

(That would be Sunday, January 9, 1977, for the calendar challenged.)

I drive by the place I was born many Monday's (January 3, 1977, at 10:58pm CT, according to my birth certificate) ago (St. Luke's on The Plaza or Westport, whichever you prefer) twice a day ...

... (mike gundy voice) four! times a day, if I head home for lunch.

So I just want to say, to the greatest person I will ever know ... Happy YOU Day, Mom.

You have tolerated far, far more out of me than any sane and/or reasonable person ever should.  I have failed you more times than I can recall or recount.  (Cue all of you saying the same response as Mom: "no sh*t, Sherlock!") 

I am for most days out of the year, the definition of "a Spring Break Mistake gone horribly wrong!" 

I wish I wasn't ... but I am.

And yet?  Here we are.

I can never express in words, how much I love you.  And that, is the greatest compliment I think I could ever pay you: I don't know HOW to express, what I think of you ... and what you mean to me.

For some strange and undefinable (if not indefensible) reason, you have never once failed to have my back, no matter how much of a f*ck up and failure, I have been.

That, is beyond awesome.

But mostly?

I am so effing thankful, you chose to not make me a Planned Parenthood statistical, because of that "Spring Break Gone Horribly Wrong".

(Note: the words in quotes, are a running gag between me and Mom.  #whyyoudontpullthegoalie) 

The world can never deny one fact about me.

You chose to have me.

Everyone reading this may question your wisdom of that decision (and to be fair, it's a, uuh, fair question)... but I never will.

Because you CHOSE to have me.

All of us drawing breath?

Owe our mothers an undying debt of gratitude, that we are here, and have survived the modern-day Holocaust that is Roe v Wade.

Thank you Mom, for choosing me, over yourself.  Thank you -- truly, thank you! -- for caring more about this "squatter invading your space slightly above the sexual Mason-Dixon Line", over the convenient "nah, I'll pass on this one" option, that you had still have the right to choose.

("maude" voice) God will (definitely reward) you for that.

I may not be certain of much ... but I am, of that.

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Oh, and until tomorrow one more time:

five days out

"Tell me what you really like;
Baby?  I can take my time!
We don't ever have to fight --
Just take it step by step!

I can see it in your eyes,
'Cause they never tell me lies.
I can feel that body shake,
And the heat between your legs!

You've been scared of love,
And what it did to you.
You don't have to run;
I know what you've been through!

Just a simple touch,
And it can set you free.
We don't have to rush?
When you're alone with me!

I feel it coming!
I feel it coming babe!
I feel it coming!
I feel it coming babe!

I feel it coming!
I feel it coming babe!
I feel it coming!
I feel it coming babe! ..."

-- "I Feel It Coming" by The Weeknd.  Oh hell yes, it's coming!  It's so coming, come 2pm Central Time Sunday afternoon ...

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The Chiefs and the Texans have met eleven prior times in their respective franchises' histories -- which given that the Texans aren't are barely old enough to vote yet * , and that the two teams do not share a common division, is quite impressive, actually.

The teams have split five apiece in the regular season, and the Chiefs have won the only playoff game up until Sunday (2015 Wild Card).  The Chiefs have a winning record at NRG Reliant (4-3-0 regular season; 1-0-0 postseason); the Texans have a winning record at Arrowhead (2-1-0 regular season, including Week Six of this season).

Here is a handy dandy spreadsheet detailing the eleven prior matchups, and other (possibly) relevant information about those matchups:

So, after a few quick updates as to where things stand for Sunday, here is one (not even remotely) talented blogger's opinion, on how these eleven matchups rank, worst to first.

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(*: I was going to say "old enough to buy cigarettes" ... but thanks to this ridiculous raise of the legal age to twenty one, they aren't.  Seriously, if you can't figure out putting something that is literally ON FIRE in your mouth is probably not good for you?  (Pause).  On second thought, this is probably a good thing.)

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Tuesday Updates:

* Still no STM Email Update from "de Los Jefes".  Hopefully tomorrow we'll get some logisticals out of these people.  It's hard to inform people of a departure time when you don't know your arrival time.

* So Wornall is closed (headed south anyways) at 59th Street, and you have to either turn right to Ward Parkway, or east to Brookside Boulevard, to get through to 63rd Street.  I know, I know -- road construction in my part of town.  Nothing new.  After all, I post the "Stevo Neighborhood Update" section of the picks post every week to b*tch about the construction in my part of town.

Having said that ... I dropped a few naughty words ** , and turned left, then right onto Brookside Boulevard.  And folks, let me tell you, that four, five block stretch, from 59th to Meyer?  Damned near every house has a Chiefs flag flying from it.  One house had yellow and red flowers all along the walkway -- and remember, it's January 7th in Kansas City!  Those bad boys had to be bought and paid for, to have a bloom, let alone life, at this time of the year!

Such a cool commute.

Also, the pedestrian walkway over Brush Creek in front of the Raphael is lined with nothing but Chiefs flags, "The Mural" on the south wall of The Ale House looks glorious in the early morning sunlight, and oh yeah -- the Seven Foot Mahomes Bobblehead will be at JC Nichols Fountain from 2pm-5pm CT on Thursday.

This city is damned near ready!

Now we just gotta get the folks at Bunker to loan a few jerseys to Founders Plaza like they usually do for the big games.  Those three fellas look naked without the Mahomes, Kelce, and Mathieu jerseys on them ...

* The menu has been decided!  I think.  And in true Stevo-style, we are compromising to make everyone happy enough to show up.

The "main course" Texan Tenderloin, that you can make sandwiches with, or eat as a primary dish on its' own, or use as a garnish for your Bloody Mary, whatever's clever -- we don't judge.

We'll also have a pot of either chili or taco soup, whichever one I feel like making Saturday afternoon, for those who think 40 at kickoff is "too cold".  (Hint: wager on taco soup.)

For the folks who desire to do breakfast, Mahomies is filling that void via breakfast burritos made to order.

And the Springfield folks are handling side items, dips, and desserts.

So there's your menu a hundred some hours out.

(Yo, Democrat National Committee!  When you have a brokered convention in six months?  I'm your man to settle the debate!)

* Also, Harry's apparently has a massive sale on craft and upper-echelon domestic beers.  The Second Mom and I are making a (todd snyder voice) B Double E Double R U N Beer Run!  Beer Run!, tomorrow after work.  I have a sneaky suspicion there's gonna be some Shiner Bock in my cooler (jimmy buffett voice) Come Sunday.

And ... that's all I've got.

On to the list!

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(**: specifically, I dropped my new favorite phrase, loudly: "son of a c*nt!", then pounded the steering wheel.  I had the roof open and the windows down on New Tito today (hey, it nearly hit 60 here today in the sun!).  The lady next to me at the stoplight, actually busted up laughing, hearing that phrase.  Whew.  I was scared she'd think I was referring to her, and chuck her Claw-in-a-discreet-cup at me.)

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I should note up front, looking at this, I only see three of these eleven I did not attend in person ... I think.  I know I was not there for the Sunday Nighter in 2005 (I could afford one of those back to back roadies (with two home games in between), Dallas or Houston, and I opted for Dallas), and I was not there for the Sunday Nighter in 2017 (I had just started my current job three weeks earlier, and couldn't take the PTO).

I'm also reasonably sure I was not there in 2003.  Although, you know, a decade of toking and imbibing tends to kill otherwise healthy brain cells.

The other eight I know I was in attendance for ... with nine upcoming on Sunday, and ten upcoming at NRG Reliant next fall (the Chiefs will play at Houston in the 2020 season).

Anyways, here's how I rank the eleven matchups so far ... and it's a safe bet, a hundred hours out, that Sunday will probably fall into the top three, by the time the game is over ...

11. Texans 24, at Chiefs 21, Week Three 2004.

No recap -- sh*t, this game was back when I was sending out the recaps on company email.  (Good Times! *** )  For personal reasons, this one will probably always rank dead last in any Chiefs / Texans game list countdown.  This was the last home game for Chiefs Football as I knew it growing up, and into my post-college years.  It seems impossible to believe this was over fifteen years ago now.

(***: as always, I can make any post porn-friendly ... or "greatest sitcom of all time" friendly.)

The only game that even comes close on the sh*t-o-meter?

10. at Texans 20, Chiefs 3, Week One 2007.

There's a recap for this one!  It was worse than you remember.  It was worse than I remember.  It was worse than anyone you can think of, can remember.  For like five brief minutes, we had a reason to believe.  Then Justin Medlock blew a twenty something yard field goal, Matt Schaub completed a few quality passes, and the next thing you knew, Clay Walker was informing us that he "knows what love is; what's it to you?" during his halftime performance, and after one of the most uninspired performances on the field by the Red and Gold I've ever had the misfortune to pay to witness, we emerged from NRG Reliant to a 93 degree afternoon ... and a monsoon.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well hell yes, that was the best part of the day!  You ever stand outside in the rain when it's hot as hell outside?  It's refreshing!  Why the hell do you think seeing Ben Harper on a 95 degree rainy evening back in 2006 ranks as one of my three or four favorite concerts ever, Ms. Non-Existent Editor Dudette?

9. at Texans 19, Chiefs 12, Week Two 2016.

This game was eight layers of awful on both sides.  But perhaps it's best remembered as Tyreek Hill's coming out party: he took a punt to the house for what would have been the tying score, only an extremely shady and questionable holding call negated the play.  (What is it with the 2016 season and "extremely shady and questionable holding calls negating the play", uuh, playing such a huge role on the season's final outcome?  Damn!)  Anyways, I'll trade a Week Two loss for the career Tyreek has had.  And I guarantee you every other Chiefs fan would as well.

8. at Texans 35, Chiefs 31, Week Six 2010.

I remember it rained the whole drive home, and I caught the flu and was in bed for a week.  I also remember the Chiefs led by two scores with four minutes to go, and somehow lost.

(peter griffin voice) I've had better days, Lois.  I've had better days.

7. Chiefs 27, at Texans 20, Week One 2015.

The first defensive play was a Marcus Peters INT.  Travis Kelce had two early touchdowns.  And yet, there stood Ryan Mallett, almost with a shot to tie the game.  I really believed 2015 -- and in the moment, that game -- was going to prove me right about Ryan Mallett.  Instead?  You guessed it.  I'm a f*cking idiot.

6. Chiefs 45, at Texans 17, Week Eleven 2005.

LJ had over two hundred yards.  The easy win set up two of the best home games of the century so far (26-16 over the Patriots; 31-27 over those people), and vaulted the Chiefs back into AFC West and AFC Wild Card contention.

(They'd fall one game short of either entry way, into the playoffs.)

5. Chiefs 42, at Texans 14, Week Three 2003.

All three units scored in this one for the Chiefs.  That's a complete team victory.

4. Texans 31, at Chiefs 24, Week Six 2019.

I hate ranking a defeat this high, especially one where the Chiefs led 17-3 after the first quarter, especially one that occurred less than three months ago, and really especially one where the rematch will occur in less than one hundred hours.  And yet, here we are.

Because Deshaun Watson was that awesome, in the second half.

3. Chiefs 42, at Texans 34, Week Five 2017.

Arguably the best game of "Sir" Alex Smith's Chiefs career.  Given my respect for that man, that's saying a lot out of me.

2. at Chiefs 17, Texans 16, Week Seven 2013.

I still stand behind every damned word of this post.  Even if, in hindsight, this was one royally "f*cked up eight ways from Sunday" weekend personally.

1. Chiefs 30, at Texans 0, AFC Wild Card 2015.

Ditto.  Except without the bat sh*t crazy personal stuff.

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Coming tomorrow (hopefully): a look at "Fat" Andy Reid's (shalamar voice) "second time around" against opponents in the same season.  (Note: not as good as I thought it would be ...)

And also, please keep my neighbor Joe in your thoughts and prayers.  I have to attend his brother, my other neighbor to the south, I have to attend his funeral tomorrow.  John passed away of cancer last Thursday.  He moved in two years ago to take care of Joe, who is also dying of cancer.  It will not be a happy day in South Waldo, I can assure you of that.

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Until tomorrow: