“I’ll just have to forget the hurt
That came before,
Forget what used to be.
The past is on the cutting room floor --
The future is here with me!
Choose me!”
-------------------------
Episode two of “Smash” answered the question of who will be chosen to play the lead in “Marilyn: The Musical” (at least for now). I applaud the show for not dragging out the drama.
More importantly, episode two (“The Callback”) more than held its own against the pilot episode. Amazingly, I enjoyed this episode more than the pilot, mostly because (a) I loved the “remake” of “Let Me Be Your Star” (quoted above), and (b) the Derek / Eileen scenes are freaking GOLDEN.
Here then, is your recap for Smash: Episode Two (sadly, still not starring Brian Williams (rimshot)!*)
(*: it’s a running gag on Alan Sepinwall’s site. Every “Friday Night Lights” fan gets what the gag is.)
We open with Karen imagining herself as a lounge singer, covering “Call Me” by Blondie. If Katherine McPhee had done this on “Idol”, I might not have hated her as much as I did. It’s a damned good cover, worth the $1.29 on iTunes.
However, like last week’s opening scene, it’s all in Karen’s mind, and we quickly are dumped back into what her life currently is – waiting tables, dreaming of greatness, working towards attaining that opportunity for greatness. And just as the harshness of life comes crashing down on her again … “Karen! It’s for you!”
Segue from that … to a meeting of the minds – Julia and Tom, Eileen and Derek, still totally deadlocked over who to pick as their Marilyn a week after the initial callbacks. (Side note: not sure if this will continue, but it appears the show is mostly playing out in “real time” at this point. I like this tactic.) Tom is adamant that Ivy is the choice. Derek is lobbying hard for Karen. Eileen and Julia just want this to end. Finally a compromise is reached: another round of callbacks.
Jump from the boardroom … to Broadway ... ok, fine, West 44th Street, as Ivy is seen walking with two of her fellow theater actors / dancers down a street in Midtown. (They even work the Sardi’s awning into the scene. Awesome stuff.) The scenes for a rivalry are set. (And then some, as you’ll find out after the break.)
Jump back to the studio, where Karen is late for her callback, a dance audition with potential supporting cast and Derek as her coach. But wait, who’s that in the back? Is that … yes, it is the dude who was with Ivy a scene before!
And as we come to learn in the next scene, he “volunteered” to help with the audition, to do some recon work for Ivy. Ivy leaves the scene feeling very confident she’ll be our “star”.
(Skipping pointless throw-away adoption scene …)
And we’re back in the writers room, as Julia and Tom are attempting to lay out the baby that matters, their musical. If you loved the closing scene last week (and God knows I did)? Then you’re going to LOVE what “Let Me Be Your Star” has evolved into in week two. Julia lays it out exactly as I would, and since there’s nobody smarter than me*, this is a good thing. Also, a great “put you in your place beyatch!” putdown of Ellis by Julia.
(*: yeah, right. I’m so full of it that port-a-potties at the Sports Complex drool with jealousy.)
Should note before moving on: I know a lot of the critics are ripping the character of Ellis, and I somewhat get why … but I actually kinda like the guy. He’s totally trying to kick Julia out of the way and weasel his way into at least a writing credit to get his career off the ground, and he’s shamelessly doing it. Sometimes having the dirty, rotten scoundrel in your life can be an entertaining thing. And when you’re a show that ostensibly seeks to entertain, in this case, it’s a good thing.
Switch back to the studio, where Karen is still blowing the dance routine, and Derek, out of sheer frustration, bolts out of the room … only to see Ivy conveniently in the hallway. After a “fishing each other out” conversation, Derek’s ready to give her a shot.
So Ivy enters the rehearsal room, and for the first time, our potential leading ladies meet. Let me inject my personal opinion here: I don’t want this to be a true “rivalry”, where one girl hates the other, and vice versa. I hope this gets developed into a “mentor / mentee” type relationship. I highly doubt that will happen, given how dense Karen is, and how subvertive and “willing to do anything to win” Ivy is. But a kid … ok, fine, middle aged dude, can dream.
After an initial awkward interaction, Karen leaves with a door slammed in her face (literally), and … scene.
When we come back, Karen and her boyfriend are grabbing some lunch, and the utter cluelessness of Karen is put on full display.
Cut to Ivy backstage at her current production. Not much there, but a funny scene.
(Skipping the next three minutes due to god awful adoption subplot …)
And we’re back with Eileen, Derek, Eileen’s soon to be ex, and his latest floozy in one helluva hysterical restaurant scene. “Smash” writers and producers: more Eileen versus her sleazy ex, less adoption subplot. Please. Angelica Huston shines in every scene she’s in, and then some. Julia’s husband (and especially) her son are the two worst actors on this show, and I’m fully aware Katherine McPhee is a major player on this show.
We cut next to Eileen and Derek the morning after the restaurant scene, beginning to put the play in motion. More, more, more! Scenes of these two together, please! Angelica Huston and Jack Davenport have tremendous chemistry together. Anything beats …
(Skipping next two plus minutes due to god awful adoption subplot …)
And we’re back, with Karen rushing off to meet her boyfriend at some dinner that he views as important to his job. (OK, fine, I’ll say it: what the holy hell is an obviously British guy doing working as the deputy mayor … in New York City? Michael J. Fox wasn’t British, ditto Chuck Sheen who replaced him*. This is an outrage! No wonder our nation’s finest city is having the issues it is.)
(*: Please, don’t make me have to explain a “Spin City” reference. For God’s sake, even the youngest of the readers of this site should know “Spin City”.)
And in the most predictable scene of all time … Karen gets called back in, and has to miss the dinner date. And cue the predictable blow-up scene in a restaurant … only, her boyfriend reacts? Pretty much like I would*. I knew I liked this guy.
(*: there is NOTHING wrong with being a pushover sometimes. Especially after a fight with a significant other. It can lead to some, uuh, really fun, uuh "fun"! Trying to keep this post at least PG13.)
We return from the break with Ivy and Derek rehearsing. Derek’s throwaway comment in the restaurant a few scenes ago – “Ivy tries too hard, Karen can do this but she just doesn’t know how” – shines through in this scene.
And by “trying too hard”? Oh hell yes Ivy totally screws Derek in a valiant effort to get the part! And we jump from the bedroom to … the backroom, where Julia has a heart-to-heart with Karen. And as the scene reaches its climax (rimshot!), we’re left with Ivy and Karen, alone, on opposite ends of the hallway, awaiting the ultimate decision on their future.
Which begins with Karen up first, performing to “Twentieth Century Fox Mambo”. And it’s good. It’s really good. Like last week’s “National Pastime” scene (which still cracks me up every time I watch or listen to it. I mean, how great is it – “’cause all men like to play at the national pastime!” Yes, I’m a sucker for double entendre phrases), it switches between the scene in development, and as it would be in the musical, and I love this ploy. It’s neat. And I say this as someone who is not a big theater or musical fan. These scenes are just killing it. I would absolutely pay to watch this musical when it’s all put together.
And after the final break, we return to a meeting of the minds, finally ready to pick their lead. Julia has been won over by Karen, as apparently has been Eileen. Tom stands up for Ivy … and surprisingly, Derek does as well. (Well, not surprisingly to the viewer (cough “slept with him” cough), but still -- I could have gone the cheap route here and noted he already “stood up for her” (rimshot!) Oh wait, I did just go there, never mind. Rated R here we come!) Julia sees right through it, her face gives it away, but she stays silent.
So cue to the waiting – Karen working her job, Ivy backstage … and enter Tom, to announce to Ivy that we have our Marilyn … and it’s you. Look it, you can view the way she (most likely) got the job as despicable, fine, but this is a great scene. You genuinely feel good for her to finally get her breakthrough role, and kudos to the writers for (so far, at least) not writing her into a villain, but a worthy adversary to Karen. I enjoyed this moment.
(Plus, people don't tend to resort to last gasp desperate measures, like sleeping with a potential boss ... unless they are last gasp desperate. I'd say after ten years as a glorified chorus girl, Ivy has hit "last gasp desperate status".)
The next scene? I enjoyed even more, as Derek makes it clear where his loyalties truly lie … and it ain’t with either potential Marilyn. Please, writers and producers, more Derek and Eileen moments! These two are magical when paired together.
We close in a bar / night club, with Ivy, Tom, and her two friends (who I’m sure have names but they weren’t said and I’m too lazy to IMDB search them) celebrating her new gig, and covering Carrie Underwood’s “Crazy Dreams”. It’s bring the house down good – another $1.29 well spent on iTunes.
And … scene. Episode. Fini.
To which I say, "thank God even crazy dreams come true!"
Two hours in, and I am totally digging the direction this show is headed. It’s strongest points to this, uuh, point:
* Katharine McPhee. Yes, she can act. Yes, she can actually sing in a manner that doesn’t lead me to chuck empty beer cans at the TV (unlike when she was on “Idol”, and yes, I was banned from watching “Idol”’s fifth season in the main room after I started hurling empty cans at the big screen.) And no, I don’t suspect we’ve seen the last of her, even though she didn’t get the lead role. (They have understudies for a reason, right?)
* Derek. Anything and everything about Derek. He’s the best “God bless it, this guy is pure sleaze … but I freaking love him!” character in prime time since possibly “Leisure Suit” Larry Dallas on “Three’s Company”? I’m sure there have been some since then (yes, I’m deliberately skipping Sam Malone from “Cheers”, because I refuse to view that guy as “sleazy”), but I love how he genuinely is just … sleazy. Yet lovable.
* Eileen. Am totally loving this character, and anytime Angelica Huston and Jack Davenport share the screen together, it’s captivating.
* Julia. Not her home life – that’s the biggest weakness this show has going (and a potential fatal flaw if they don’t deep six the adoption plotline). But her character. Love that she openly despises Tom’s assistant Ellis, love that she’s the brains behind the operation, and loved her idea of how to use “Let Me Be Your Star” to open the musical.
(On the other hand, the only show to debut in the last five years I've liked more than "Smash" so far, the late great "Swingtown", had a major fatal flaw as well -- Janet. And by the time it's summer run was over, Janet was one of the best things going on the show. Oh what am I saying, this adoption plotline is so f*cking retarded that it is beyond redemption ...)
* Ivy. I genuinely like this character, even though she’s set up to be unlikable. The mark of a good actor is when he or she makes you like the character even though you aren’t supposed to. (Think Michael Emerson as Ben Linus in “Lost”, or Brad Leland as Buddy Garrity in “Friday Night Lights”). You genuinely like this chick, and this character.
* Ellis. Hey, any guy that wears a sweater vest has my respect. I thought I was the last guy standing on that front. Plus, I like how they’ve set up the power play between him, Tom and Julia. Should be fun to watch play out.
* The behind the scenes making of a musical. What can I say, I’m a geeky kid. I dig the behind the scenes stuff. (It’s probably why me and DJ were the only two “Studio 60” fans left after week 5 in the KC Metro area.)
Really, the only thing not worth watching, is the adoption subplot (which Alan Sepinwall ensures in today’s recap is MIA for at least the next three episodes. THANK. GOD!)
If you haven’t given “Smash” a chance, you can watch every episode for free at Hulu, or download each episode the morning after on iTunes. This show is good folks. It’s damned good. (In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve read both critics I rely on, Ed Bark and Alan Sepinwall, as well as Robert Bianco at USA Today, say next week’s episode is awful. A letdown is to be expected, I guess, after two hours this good. Plus, even the best of shows put out a clunker or two every year. Christ, the greatest show ever delivered almost a full year of clunkers (Rick Schroder’s final season on “NYPD Blue”, and lived to see four more (pretty damned good) years.)
So don’t “dive in head first” next Monday – get caught up beforehand!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
the biggest joke in the metro area
sk: in the interest of fairness, you can click here for KCATA, and here for The JO. Although after today, why you'd ever want to click on either link, I have no idea. Unless its to vent your frustration, anger, and abject disgust at what passes as "mass transit" in a metro area of 2.3 million people, then click away!!!
sk: should probably also note, my car is in the shop with "engine issues". Hence my frustration. Although after "experiencing" all that the KCATA and The JO have to offer? No wonder nobody uses mass transit in this area. What a mother f*cking joke our mass transit is ...
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There’s a few things I’ve been meaning to unload on lately … but this one? This one takes the cake.
Riddle me this, Batman. Let’s say a person who holds a decent, respectable job, and that person lives less than a mile from a MAX bus terminal, needs a ride to work on a Monday morning. And let’s say that person’s ride to work would encompass driving approximately 8 miles (exit 69 to exit 77) on Interstate 435. If this person were to drive his own vehicle on this route, it would take him approximate 15 minutes at the height of rush hour (25-30 if there’s a traffic issue due to a wreck / stalled vehicle, etc.)
How long would you venture a trip from the MAX terminal at Bannister and Drury (in the parking lot where Bannister Mall used to be) to College and Metcalf would take?
I put the over/under at 50 minutes. I figured there’d be at least a few stops along the way (figuring the KCATA was too damned stupid to have freeway bus service), and I built in the stoplights on Bannister or Red Bridge that drive you bat shit crazy (because they’re not synched up, especially on Red Bridge at Little Blue and Wornall).
Uum, well …
I undersold the KCATA … by TWO F*CKING HOURS! Not only would a trip from a MAX Bus Center (also known as a park-and-ride) take 2 hours and 55 minutes according to the KCATA’s own site … said route would not ONCE deposit you on a freeway, and in fact, there is not a single direct bus route at ANY TIME DURING THE DAY from South KC to South Johnson County.
I freely admit, I’m the slowest person walking the planet, so I did a double take at typing in my hoped for route into work this morning … then did a triple take. See, my car is in the shop because it is having engine issues. I won’t have an operational motor vehicle until later Tuesday at the earliest. But I still hoped to at least make it in to work today, since I missed Friday due to the flu bug sweeping my department.
The earliest I could have arrived, using our “state of the art mass transit system”, would be 11:59am … and that assumes it would only take me 22 minutes to WALK from 119th and Roe, to College and Metcalf. (With as cold as it is today, and as snow covered as the sidewalks are, I’m guessing 22 minutes is a generous proposition.)
And if I needed a ride home? I’d have to leave by 3:16pm, walk said 22 minutes back to Rosana Square, and pray the bus was on time … just so I could travel 11 miles out of my way to 55th and Troost, before traveling back to my destination three hours later.
So here’s today’s first b*tch: mass transit in Kansas City is a mother f*cking JOKE. The Kansas City Area Transit Authority should have a flame-thrower taken to it, and clean house from top to bottom.
Let me get this straight: (dierks bentley voice) Am I the only one who wants to have fun tonight? No, wait, let me rephrase that: am I the only person who lives in District 6 (South KC, Ruskin, Grandview Area) that has a job in Johnson County? Because I find that hard to believe. And am I the only person who might need to use public transit to work every now and then from District 6 to south JoCo? Again, I find that extremely hard to believe. And to further hammer the point home: how the f*ck is there not a SINGLE route from a park-and-ride depot to the heart of JoCo’s business district (the College Boulevard corridor) not even 10 miles away?!?!?!
In case you doubt me, here is the link for the route to work I sought this morning. You tell me – YOU TELL ME – where a “direct path” to College Boulevard is. Feel free to type in any coordinates you want, because a direct link doesn’t exist.
I mean, sweet Jesus, how does a freaking AREA transit authority not offer a SINGLE route from a park-and-ride station to College Boulevard?!?! (And I checked – the park and ride at Red Bridge and 71 doesn’t offer a direct College Boulevard route either. The hilarity of that? Red Bridge = College Boulevard. They're the same god damned street! The KCATA literally doesn’t offer a “straight on f*cking ahead” route in south KC! Yay! And to think they’re CUTTING services because people don’t utilize what they offer! Christ, I can’t POSSIBLY imagine why!)
2 hours and 55 minutes to “ride” to work. I live 11.2 miles from work (according to my car’s odometer, and I take a couple back roads once I exit the freeway to bypass a stoplight or three that adds a .1, .2 to the route in the interest of saving 3 minutes on the commute). So we’ll be fair, round up, and call it 12 miles.
You spot me 3 hours? I can walk / jog the 12 miles. With the $3 all day pass saved to boot. What a joke. What a freaking joke mass transit is in Kansas City.
(For the record, I also checked to see how long it would take to go from the park-and-ride depot on Bannister to my old job downtown. 49 minutes, with 4 minutes built in to walk from the drop-off point to the Town Pavilion. Although as you can see from the route on KCATA.org’s site … there’s NO logical reason for the route they chose. Uuh, guys? The Watkins (aka US 71) has been opened free and clear to downtown for pushing eleven years now. Let the Blue Ridge Express handle the long route north, and have a MAX route that utilizes your park-and-ride at Bannister … and hits the Watkins to maximize drive time. Wait, am I thinking logically? No wonder the KCATA and The JO don’t offer routes like this! God forbid LOGIC factor into any mass transit decisions, right Clay Chastain?)
Note to KCATA and The JO: people live all over the metro area. This you clearly recognize, as given your variety of routes and schedules. But further note to KCATA and The JO: people WORK all over the metro area. You apparently don’t realize this, given your complete LACK of variety of routes and schedules, especially between KCMO and “The Golden Ghetto”.
Screw you, JO and KCATA. You cost me 8 hours of pool time this summer because of your retarded bus schedules today.
Worse yet, you probably cost me the “date” I’ve waited a f*cking lifetime for tomorrow night, because there’s no bus routes between south KC and the City Market after 9pm! Let that one sink in – we’re the 31st largest Nielsen Market (at 974,820 households as of 2010) … and don’t have legitimate mass transit once the sun goes down! Sure, I could “walk” home from the City Market tomorrow night … and probably get raped, mugged, beaten, and at least assaulted while walking the Watkins … and possibly stumble into bed at 5am …
To make a 8am bus ride that gets me to work 3 f*cking hours later. (keyshawn Johnson voice) COME ON MAN!
sk: should probably also note, my car is in the shop with "engine issues". Hence my frustration. Although after "experiencing" all that the KCATA and The JO have to offer? No wonder nobody uses mass transit in this area. What a mother f*cking joke our mass transit is ...
------------------
There’s a few things I’ve been meaning to unload on lately … but this one? This one takes the cake.
Riddle me this, Batman. Let’s say a person who holds a decent, respectable job, and that person lives less than a mile from a MAX bus terminal, needs a ride to work on a Monday morning. And let’s say that person’s ride to work would encompass driving approximately 8 miles (exit 69 to exit 77) on Interstate 435. If this person were to drive his own vehicle on this route, it would take him approximate 15 minutes at the height of rush hour (25-30 if there’s a traffic issue due to a wreck / stalled vehicle, etc.)
How long would you venture a trip from the MAX terminal at Bannister and Drury (in the parking lot where Bannister Mall used to be) to College and Metcalf would take?
I put the over/under at 50 minutes. I figured there’d be at least a few stops along the way (figuring the KCATA was too damned stupid to have freeway bus service), and I built in the stoplights on Bannister or Red Bridge that drive you bat shit crazy (because they’re not synched up, especially on Red Bridge at Little Blue and Wornall).
Uum, well …
I undersold the KCATA … by TWO F*CKING HOURS! Not only would a trip from a MAX Bus Center (also known as a park-and-ride) take 2 hours and 55 minutes according to the KCATA’s own site … said route would not ONCE deposit you on a freeway, and in fact, there is not a single direct bus route at ANY TIME DURING THE DAY from South KC to South Johnson County.
I freely admit, I’m the slowest person walking the planet, so I did a double take at typing in my hoped for route into work this morning … then did a triple take. See, my car is in the shop because it is having engine issues. I won’t have an operational motor vehicle until later Tuesday at the earliest. But I still hoped to at least make it in to work today, since I missed Friday due to the flu bug sweeping my department.
The earliest I could have arrived, using our “state of the art mass transit system”, would be 11:59am … and that assumes it would only take me 22 minutes to WALK from 119th and Roe, to College and Metcalf. (With as cold as it is today, and as snow covered as the sidewalks are, I’m guessing 22 minutes is a generous proposition.)
And if I needed a ride home? I’d have to leave by 3:16pm, walk said 22 minutes back to Rosana Square, and pray the bus was on time … just so I could travel 11 miles out of my way to 55th and Troost, before traveling back to my destination three hours later.
So here’s today’s first b*tch: mass transit in Kansas City is a mother f*cking JOKE. The Kansas City Area Transit Authority should have a flame-thrower taken to it, and clean house from top to bottom.
Let me get this straight: (dierks bentley voice) Am I the only one who wants to have fun tonight? No, wait, let me rephrase that: am I the only person who lives in District 6 (South KC, Ruskin, Grandview Area) that has a job in Johnson County? Because I find that hard to believe. And am I the only person who might need to use public transit to work every now and then from District 6 to south JoCo? Again, I find that extremely hard to believe. And to further hammer the point home: how the f*ck is there not a SINGLE route from a park-and-ride depot to the heart of JoCo’s business district (the College Boulevard corridor) not even 10 miles away?!?!?!
In case you doubt me, here is the link for the route to work I sought this morning. You tell me – YOU TELL ME – where a “direct path” to College Boulevard is. Feel free to type in any coordinates you want, because a direct link doesn’t exist.
I mean, sweet Jesus, how does a freaking AREA transit authority not offer a SINGLE route from a park-and-ride station to College Boulevard?!?! (And I checked – the park and ride at Red Bridge and 71 doesn’t offer a direct College Boulevard route either. The hilarity of that? Red Bridge = College Boulevard. They're the same god damned street! The KCATA literally doesn’t offer a “straight on f*cking ahead” route in south KC! Yay! And to think they’re CUTTING services because people don’t utilize what they offer! Christ, I can’t POSSIBLY imagine why!)
2 hours and 55 minutes to “ride” to work. I live 11.2 miles from work (according to my car’s odometer, and I take a couple back roads once I exit the freeway to bypass a stoplight or three that adds a .1, .2 to the route in the interest of saving 3 minutes on the commute). So we’ll be fair, round up, and call it 12 miles.
You spot me 3 hours? I can walk / jog the 12 miles. With the $3 all day pass saved to boot. What a joke. What a freaking joke mass transit is in Kansas City.
(For the record, I also checked to see how long it would take to go from the park-and-ride depot on Bannister to my old job downtown. 49 minutes, with 4 minutes built in to walk from the drop-off point to the Town Pavilion. Although as you can see from the route on KCATA.org’s site … there’s NO logical reason for the route they chose. Uuh, guys? The Watkins (aka US 71) has been opened free and clear to downtown for pushing eleven years now. Let the Blue Ridge Express handle the long route north, and have a MAX route that utilizes your park-and-ride at Bannister … and hits the Watkins to maximize drive time. Wait, am I thinking logically? No wonder the KCATA and The JO don’t offer routes like this! God forbid LOGIC factor into any mass transit decisions, right Clay Chastain?)
Note to KCATA and The JO: people live all over the metro area. This you clearly recognize, as given your variety of routes and schedules. But further note to KCATA and The JO: people WORK all over the metro area. You apparently don’t realize this, given your complete LACK of variety of routes and schedules, especially between KCMO and “The Golden Ghetto”.
Screw you, JO and KCATA. You cost me 8 hours of pool time this summer because of your retarded bus schedules today.
Worse yet, you probably cost me the “date” I’ve waited a f*cking lifetime for tomorrow night, because there’s no bus routes between south KC and the City Market after 9pm! Let that one sink in – we’re the 31st largest Nielsen Market (at 974,820 households as of 2010) … and don’t have legitimate mass transit once the sun goes down! Sure, I could “walk” home from the City Market tomorrow night … and probably get raped, mugged, beaten, and at least assaulted while walking the Watkins … and possibly stumble into bed at 5am …
To make a 8am bus ride that gets me to work 3 f*cking hours later. (keyshawn Johnson voice) COME ON MAN!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
a couple site previews (possibly)
Well, how is everyone out there in Readerland doing? Hopefully good. I’m personally on cloud nine right now, amazingly enough not due to (a) alcohol, (b) a controlled substance, (c) a promotion, raise, and/or other professionally related reason, or (d) anything I have initiated on my own. Read into that what you want.
Just wanted to drop a “what I’m thinking of posting”, uuh, post.
*I’m working on a “Stevo Style” rebuttal to Seth Davis’ pathetic column at SI.com today defending the gutless, ballless, childish decision by KU to “end” the rivalry with Mizzou. (Guess you can figure out how I feel about it.) Mr. Davis’ column is good for one thing, and one thing only: print it out, and use it as a backup in case the stall is out of toilet paper. Or better yet, use it as toilet paper whether said paper is available or not. It’s a disgraceful effort out of one of the better college basketball writers.
* Started this awhile ago, let it sit, and now I’m revisiting it: Stevo Looks Back at the 2000s. There’s a lot in this one, probably a multi-parter over a drawn out period of time (I started typing in November 2009 … and I’m only up to midway through 2007 … and I’m already at 63 typed pages in Word). Not all of it is positive – I’m willing to deal with my personal issues from the early part of the decade (hello DUI! Hello gambling addiction! Wait, that one still exists, never mind), as well as the fun moments (“Oh yeah? Well you majored in Asshole 101!” God, I miss that man often …), and the “only in Stevo’s Universe does this happen” moments (Memorial Day Weekend 2000. Let’s just say, “The Voice of Reason” owes me one for the sacrifice I made as a result of that debacle. So the owe board moves to what, +35,493 in favor of G? Or +35,492? Tough call.)
* Did I mention that a bowling team named “Have You Seen My Headpin” currently has a 6 ½ game lead (with 40 to play, 36 of which count) in the “longest running bowling league in Johnson County”? I didn’t? Well, we do have that lead … and as confirmed by our commish last week, this is JoCo’s longest consecutively running bowling league, since 1961. That means this league is SIXTEEN YEARS OLDER than your current leader’s oldest member. (Oh, wait, that’s me. SONOFA!!! …) We play a doormat tomorrow, albeit a decent doormat – they somehow keep finding ways to lose by 2 pins every game. ( We took 3 of 4 in our first matchup with them, and have one more to go after this one tomorrow. To our great Commish’s credit, we have the PERFECT number of teams – you face every other team three times in games that count, then the final night it’s a “what the f*ck, let’s have fun” get-together that ends in the fifth frame of game one, as everyone heads for the bar.)
* So in honor of Team Headpin actually being the odds-on favorite to win this league, somehow, someway, with (a) zero bowlers having a 180 plus average, (b) two bowlers (sadly) barely speaking to each other, and (c) the most cocky, arrogant, self-absorbed team captain ever (and hey, that ain’t me … although we love DJ for his “I won’t let us lose” attitude, because, well, he doesn’t let us lose! Hey!) … here’s my favorite clip from the “Smash” premiere.
I LOVED the original score, I LOVED the dueling vocalists, and like Ellis (the Hispanic looking dude at the end of the table), I simply sat and enjoyed the HELL out of this “duel”. If THIS is what “Smash” is going to deliver every week? MORE! MORE MORE MORE!!!!!!
(Again: I NEVER pimp shows with a “tune in if you know what’s good for you” plotline, save for “Friday Night Lights”, and again, as “The Voice of Reason” can confirm, I NAILED “Friday Night Lights”. I know rock star TV when I see it. Smash? Is Rock Star TV of the HIGHEST quality. Next Monday, 9PM CT. Get caught up on Hulu. Let “Smash” Be Your Star!!! Sweet JESUS, did this scene kill …)
Just wanted to drop a “what I’m thinking of posting”, uuh, post.
*I’m working on a “Stevo Style” rebuttal to Seth Davis’ pathetic column at SI.com today defending the gutless, ballless, childish decision by KU to “end” the rivalry with Mizzou. (Guess you can figure out how I feel about it.) Mr. Davis’ column is good for one thing, and one thing only: print it out, and use it as a backup in case the stall is out of toilet paper. Or better yet, use it as toilet paper whether said paper is available or not. It’s a disgraceful effort out of one of the better college basketball writers.
* Started this awhile ago, let it sit, and now I’m revisiting it: Stevo Looks Back at the 2000s. There’s a lot in this one, probably a multi-parter over a drawn out period of time (I started typing in November 2009 … and I’m only up to midway through 2007 … and I’m already at 63 typed pages in Word). Not all of it is positive – I’m willing to deal with my personal issues from the early part of the decade (hello DUI! Hello gambling addiction! Wait, that one still exists, never mind), as well as the fun moments (“Oh yeah? Well you majored in Asshole 101!” God, I miss that man often …), and the “only in Stevo’s Universe does this happen” moments (Memorial Day Weekend 2000. Let’s just say, “The Voice of Reason” owes me one for the sacrifice I made as a result of that debacle. So the owe board moves to what, +35,493 in favor of G? Or +35,492? Tough call.)
* Did I mention that a bowling team named “Have You Seen My Headpin” currently has a 6 ½ game lead (with 40 to play, 36 of which count) in the “longest running bowling league in Johnson County”? I didn’t? Well, we do have that lead … and as confirmed by our commish last week, this is JoCo’s longest consecutively running bowling league, since 1961. That means this league is SIXTEEN YEARS OLDER than your current leader’s oldest member. (Oh, wait, that’s me. SONOFA!!! …) We play a doormat tomorrow, albeit a decent doormat – they somehow keep finding ways to lose by 2 pins every game. ( We took 3 of 4 in our first matchup with them, and have one more to go after this one tomorrow. To our great Commish’s credit, we have the PERFECT number of teams – you face every other team three times in games that count, then the final night it’s a “what the f*ck, let’s have fun” get-together that ends in the fifth frame of game one, as everyone heads for the bar.)
* So in honor of Team Headpin actually being the odds-on favorite to win this league, somehow, someway, with (a) zero bowlers having a 180 plus average, (b) two bowlers (sadly) barely speaking to each other, and (c) the most cocky, arrogant, self-absorbed team captain ever (and hey, that ain’t me … although we love DJ for his “I won’t let us lose” attitude, because, well, he doesn’t let us lose! Hey!) … here’s my favorite clip from the “Smash” premiere.
I LOVED the original score, I LOVED the dueling vocalists, and like Ellis (the Hispanic looking dude at the end of the table), I simply sat and enjoyed the HELL out of this “duel”. If THIS is what “Smash” is going to deliver every week? MORE! MORE MORE MORE!!!!!!
(Again: I NEVER pimp shows with a “tune in if you know what’s good for you” plotline, save for “Friday Night Lights”, and again, as “The Voice of Reason” can confirm, I NAILED “Friday Night Lights”. I know rock star TV when I see it. Smash? Is Rock Star TV of the HIGHEST quality. Next Monday, 9PM CT. Get caught up on Hulu. Let “Smash” Be Your Star!!! Sweet JESUS, did this scene kill …)
Saturday, February 4, 2012
must see tv returns to nbc
In the interest of full disclosure … I watch more TV than the average bear.
To be fair, most of it is sports. Especially basketball. Having said that, for all the TV I watch, its not often I strongly encourage you, the readers, in written word to actually tune in and watch something. (Save for “Friday Night Lights”, which as the Voice of Reason can confirm, I was 110% right about. Even if it took him six years and a boatload of ESPN Classic reruns to figure it out.)
When you couple my reluctance to “pimp shows I love” with the fact that the show I’m about to HIGHLY recommend you invest an hour of your week in, stars my most hated American Idol contestant ever, AND its about making a Broadway musical, not exactly something I find entertaining?
Yeah. That’s how epically good NBC’s new “Smash” is.
“Smash” technically debuts on Monday night (9pm CT) on NBC, but you can view the first episode at Hulu right now for free. I can’t believe I’m about to say this … but this is the best pilot episode for a show I’ve seen since “Swingtown” four years ago. Unlike “Swingtown”, I don’t think “Smash” is going to infuriate our “good friends” that are “socially conservative”. (Read into the “”’s whatever you want. See how I manage to insult a group of people without technically insulting them? TALENT!)
Also, unlike “Swingtown”, I don’t see this show being a one-and-doner. This show’s got serious potential. Thanks to the most unlikely of reasons (at least to me, and anyone else who never caught “McPheever”).
First, the primary characters, and yes, they somehow pretty much all interact together in a “Six Degrees of Separation” kind of way (only not as awfully as the characters in “Six Degrees” did five years ago):
* Debra Messing plays Julia, one half of the play writing duo. Her writing partner is Tom (played by Christian Borle). A chance conversation with Tom’s new assistant Ellis (played by Jamie Cepero) leads this Tony-winning duo currently responsible for Broadway’s biggest hit to decide to undertake a new play, based on the life of Marilyn Monroe. (As Julia’s husband puts it, “Marilyn … THE Musical!” As Julia’s son puts it, when asked what he thinks of when he hears the word Marilyn: “Baltimore? Manson?” There’s some really funny one liners in this thing.)
In order to get the play to work, however, you need more than two incredibly talented writers. Specifically, you need a producer, a director, and a lead. Whoever cast this show? Nailed the first, drilled the second, and somehow got me to overcome my hatred of half of the third, while loving the hell out of the other half …
* Anjelica Huston plays Eileen, the producer. She’s currently going through a divorce, and agrees to sign on as producer to establish a revenue stream separate from her company, which is currently in escrow. (As well as to prove that “the rumors of my demise are very premature”, another great one-liner.) The scene where she walks into the final round of auditions looks cheesy in the promos NBC has been running, but it works perfectly when put into context of the scene it’s contained in.
* Jack Davenport plays Derek, the director. In the interest of full disclosure, Mr. Davenport starred in “Swingtown”, and anyone who was a major part of that late, great show, I have a predisposed liking for. After his three main scenes in the “Smash” premiere? I cannot WAIT to see how this character gets developed. I suspect he will be the next great “character you love to hate … but really actually like because you hate him so much” member of prime time, filling the hole that has existed in prime time since Ben Linus opted to stay in the Sideways world in the final episode of “Lost”.
* Broadway veteran Megan Hilty plays one of the two leads vying for the role of Marilyn Monroe, playing an established Broadway actress named Ivy. You will note the resemblance to Ms. Monroe, on-screen and in-print persona, almost immediately. And she’s damned good too – she lights up every scene she’s in. You genuinely like her. Hell, she’s so good, that even as you watch the pilot and realize the show’s writers are trying to get you to root against her, you STILL root for her. I would pay damned good money to see her on Broadway. This chick has SICK talent. And yet …
* What SHOCKED the living hell out of me, was my reaction to the other lead vying for the role of Marilyn Monroe. And that would be “American Idol” Season Five runner-up Katharine McPhee, who plays Karen. Let me state up front, that 26 seconds into the pilot episode, I was ready to pull the plug. (Ms. McPhee reprises what was either her finest hour from “Idol” (if you liked her), or “Idol”’s lowest moment ever (if you hated her, as I did).) As soon as she starts singing in the debut scene, your biases from “Idol” kick in.
Until the thirty second mark. And then, the writers of “Smash” flip the script. Believe me, if you hate Katharine McPhee, just give the first minute of “Smash” a view, if only to enjoy how the opening scene ends. (And if you hated Ms. McPhee, you will be standing and applauding at how the first minute ends.)
Most incredibly, if after that first minute, you don’t begin to at least see why a large chunk of America kept backing this girl every week (at the expense of Daughtry and my rubber chicken in the season five race, Elliott Yamin)? Then don’t continue watching. Because if you enter this pilot episode with an open mind, you’ll emerge 40 some odd minutes later angry that you won’t see any new episodes for another week.
(The final scene, especially, builds brilliantly to next week’s episode. You will want to tune in for week two with “Let Me Be Your Star” embedded in your brain by the time the scene is over.)
I cannot even begin to express what a reveal Ms. McPhee is on the small screen as an actress. She’s remarkably good. This is the perfect vehicle for her. And yet, as good as her scenes are (the scene in Derek’s apartment between Karen and Derek is really good, and I LOVED the scene with McPhee’s character and her boyfriend (Dev, played by Raza Jaffrey)), the best scene is without question the “National Pastime”, which not only showcases Ms. Hilty’s immense talent, and not only gives you the viewer a look into how a Broadway act is developed and comes together (great use of switching between the current and the future in this scene) … but it’s just damned fun. And call me a dreamer, say I’m a little naïve, but isn’t that what prime time television is supposed to be? Fun? Enjoyable? “Smash” is both of those words, and THEN some.
By the time you get through the “National Pastime” scene, you’re only halfway into the episode, and you’ll find yourself liking what you’re watching so much, that you wish you could pull up Netflix or head to a Redbox and be able to view the whole season. (Or, at the very least, if you’re like me, you’ll rewind the “National Pastime” scene a couple times in utter shock that a NETWORK, not cable, NETWORK television show has developed something this damned enjoyable to watch.)
The pilot really sets up well where the show intends to go. Some plot lines are cliché (the producers are torn over who to pick as their Marilyn, although the contrast between the two potential leads makes it kind of obvious … ok, at least I think it makes it obvious … how this will get resolved; Eileen’s divorce feels forced, and the promos seem to back up my thoughts on that). Some are utterly retarded – the Julia and her husband adoption plot seemed like a way to fill four minutes that I think could have been better spent elsewhere.
But if the biggest complaint you have after watching the pilot is that one throwaway scene used to establish one of the writers family dynamic (guessing Julia and her husband can’t have any more kids), was a little boring? When THAT’S all you’ve got in the complaints box? You’ve got one helluva winning effort on your hands.
Which, I hope, is what NBC has with “Smash”. This show is good folks. It’s really good. The pilot is amazing, and the potential this show holds is incredible. If you wait until Monday to watch the premiere? Great. Just be sure to DVR it, I’ll explain why three sentences from now.
If you watch it on Hulu or iTunes? Make sure you see it twice. The first time you watch, prepare to be amazed. The second time, when you know what’s coming? Prepare to be extremely impressed at the intricate little details the show pays attention to.
For tradition’s sake, the pilot gets at 14-2 on the Theismann Rating Scale*, and the potential the remaining 12 episodes have gets an 11-5. Alan Sepinwall gave the first four episodes a B+ cumulative grade, and Ed Bark gave the pilot an A. Those are the only two television critics I even pay a moment’s worth of attention to, because they’re the two best in the business. And they’re buying what “Smash” is selling.
(*: the “Theismann Rating Scale” was developed by (go figure) Joe Theismann, who used to assign NFL regular season records to films he would review back when “The Deuce”, now known as ESPN2, was just starting out. Needless to say, the Chiefs have NEVER gone 14-2 … which should tell you how highly I think of the pilot episode.)
Watch this show. You will NOT regret it ...
To be fair, most of it is sports. Especially basketball. Having said that, for all the TV I watch, its not often I strongly encourage you, the readers, in written word to actually tune in and watch something. (Save for “Friday Night Lights”, which as the Voice of Reason can confirm, I was 110% right about. Even if it took him six years and a boatload of ESPN Classic reruns to figure it out.)
When you couple my reluctance to “pimp shows I love” with the fact that the show I’m about to HIGHLY recommend you invest an hour of your week in, stars my most hated American Idol contestant ever, AND its about making a Broadway musical, not exactly something I find entertaining?
Yeah. That’s how epically good NBC’s new “Smash” is.
“Smash” technically debuts on Monday night (9pm CT) on NBC, but you can view the first episode at Hulu right now for free. I can’t believe I’m about to say this … but this is the best pilot episode for a show I’ve seen since “Swingtown” four years ago. Unlike “Swingtown”, I don’t think “Smash” is going to infuriate our “good friends” that are “socially conservative”. (Read into the “”’s whatever you want. See how I manage to insult a group of people without technically insulting them? TALENT!)
Also, unlike “Swingtown”, I don’t see this show being a one-and-doner. This show’s got serious potential. Thanks to the most unlikely of reasons (at least to me, and anyone else who never caught “McPheever”).
First, the primary characters, and yes, they somehow pretty much all interact together in a “Six Degrees of Separation” kind of way (only not as awfully as the characters in “Six Degrees” did five years ago):
* Debra Messing plays Julia, one half of the play writing duo. Her writing partner is Tom (played by Christian Borle). A chance conversation with Tom’s new assistant Ellis (played by Jamie Cepero) leads this Tony-winning duo currently responsible for Broadway’s biggest hit to decide to undertake a new play, based on the life of Marilyn Monroe. (As Julia’s husband puts it, “Marilyn … THE Musical!” As Julia’s son puts it, when asked what he thinks of when he hears the word Marilyn: “Baltimore? Manson?” There’s some really funny one liners in this thing.)
In order to get the play to work, however, you need more than two incredibly talented writers. Specifically, you need a producer, a director, and a lead. Whoever cast this show? Nailed the first, drilled the second, and somehow got me to overcome my hatred of half of the third, while loving the hell out of the other half …
* Anjelica Huston plays Eileen, the producer. She’s currently going through a divorce, and agrees to sign on as producer to establish a revenue stream separate from her company, which is currently in escrow. (As well as to prove that “the rumors of my demise are very premature”, another great one-liner.) The scene where she walks into the final round of auditions looks cheesy in the promos NBC has been running, but it works perfectly when put into context of the scene it’s contained in.
* Jack Davenport plays Derek, the director. In the interest of full disclosure, Mr. Davenport starred in “Swingtown”, and anyone who was a major part of that late, great show, I have a predisposed liking for. After his three main scenes in the “Smash” premiere? I cannot WAIT to see how this character gets developed. I suspect he will be the next great “character you love to hate … but really actually like because you hate him so much” member of prime time, filling the hole that has existed in prime time since Ben Linus opted to stay in the Sideways world in the final episode of “Lost”.
* Broadway veteran Megan Hilty plays one of the two leads vying for the role of Marilyn Monroe, playing an established Broadway actress named Ivy. You will note the resemblance to Ms. Monroe, on-screen and in-print persona, almost immediately. And she’s damned good too – she lights up every scene she’s in. You genuinely like her. Hell, she’s so good, that even as you watch the pilot and realize the show’s writers are trying to get you to root against her, you STILL root for her. I would pay damned good money to see her on Broadway. This chick has SICK talent. And yet …
* What SHOCKED the living hell out of me, was my reaction to the other lead vying for the role of Marilyn Monroe. And that would be “American Idol” Season Five runner-up Katharine McPhee, who plays Karen. Let me state up front, that 26 seconds into the pilot episode, I was ready to pull the plug. (Ms. McPhee reprises what was either her finest hour from “Idol” (if you liked her), or “Idol”’s lowest moment ever (if you hated her, as I did).) As soon as she starts singing in the debut scene, your biases from “Idol” kick in.
Until the thirty second mark. And then, the writers of “Smash” flip the script. Believe me, if you hate Katharine McPhee, just give the first minute of “Smash” a view, if only to enjoy how the opening scene ends. (And if you hated Ms. McPhee, you will be standing and applauding at how the first minute ends.)
Most incredibly, if after that first minute, you don’t begin to at least see why a large chunk of America kept backing this girl every week (at the expense of Daughtry and my rubber chicken in the season five race, Elliott Yamin)? Then don’t continue watching. Because if you enter this pilot episode with an open mind, you’ll emerge 40 some odd minutes later angry that you won’t see any new episodes for another week.
(The final scene, especially, builds brilliantly to next week’s episode. You will want to tune in for week two with “Let Me Be Your Star” embedded in your brain by the time the scene is over.)
I cannot even begin to express what a reveal Ms. McPhee is on the small screen as an actress. She’s remarkably good. This is the perfect vehicle for her. And yet, as good as her scenes are (the scene in Derek’s apartment between Karen and Derek is really good, and I LOVED the scene with McPhee’s character and her boyfriend (Dev, played by Raza Jaffrey)), the best scene is without question the “National Pastime”, which not only showcases Ms. Hilty’s immense talent, and not only gives you the viewer a look into how a Broadway act is developed and comes together (great use of switching between the current and the future in this scene) … but it’s just damned fun. And call me a dreamer, say I’m a little naïve, but isn’t that what prime time television is supposed to be? Fun? Enjoyable? “Smash” is both of those words, and THEN some.
By the time you get through the “National Pastime” scene, you’re only halfway into the episode, and you’ll find yourself liking what you’re watching so much, that you wish you could pull up Netflix or head to a Redbox and be able to view the whole season. (Or, at the very least, if you’re like me, you’ll rewind the “National Pastime” scene a couple times in utter shock that a NETWORK, not cable, NETWORK television show has developed something this damned enjoyable to watch.)
The pilot really sets up well where the show intends to go. Some plot lines are cliché (the producers are torn over who to pick as their Marilyn, although the contrast between the two potential leads makes it kind of obvious … ok, at least I think it makes it obvious … how this will get resolved; Eileen’s divorce feels forced, and the promos seem to back up my thoughts on that). Some are utterly retarded – the Julia and her husband adoption plot seemed like a way to fill four minutes that I think could have been better spent elsewhere.
But if the biggest complaint you have after watching the pilot is that one throwaway scene used to establish one of the writers family dynamic (guessing Julia and her husband can’t have any more kids), was a little boring? When THAT’S all you’ve got in the complaints box? You’ve got one helluva winning effort on your hands.
Which, I hope, is what NBC has with “Smash”. This show is good folks. It’s really good. The pilot is amazing, and the potential this show holds is incredible. If you wait until Monday to watch the premiere? Great. Just be sure to DVR it, I’ll explain why three sentences from now.
If you watch it on Hulu or iTunes? Make sure you see it twice. The first time you watch, prepare to be amazed. The second time, when you know what’s coming? Prepare to be extremely impressed at the intricate little details the show pays attention to.
For tradition’s sake, the pilot gets at 14-2 on the Theismann Rating Scale*, and the potential the remaining 12 episodes have gets an 11-5. Alan Sepinwall gave the first four episodes a B+ cumulative grade, and Ed Bark gave the pilot an A. Those are the only two television critics I even pay a moment’s worth of attention to, because they’re the two best in the business. And they’re buying what “Smash” is selling.
(*: the “Theismann Rating Scale” was developed by (go figure) Joe Theismann, who used to assign NFL regular season records to films he would review back when “The Deuce”, now known as ESPN2, was just starting out. Needless to say, the Chiefs have NEVER gone 14-2 … which should tell you how highly I think of the pilot episode.)
Watch this show. You will NOT regret it ...
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
stevo answers his "fans"
* “Stevo, please don’t take this the wrong way … but sometimes, people have to be told things they don’t want to hear. It’s called tough love.” -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.
Uuh, I don’t like where this is headed, especially since the last time I tried this, I was called a "dipsh*t", an "assh*le", a "mother f*cker", and told that if I saw said person again, he'd "beat my ass into a coma" …
“So Stevo, while I commend you on your attempts to diversify what you post about, I mean, milking five printed pages on what’s on your iPod is creative genius amigo! But please, I’m begging you, as a friend, as a former roommate, as your appointed “Voice of Reason”, please … will you give us a godd*mned fake mailbag already! It’s been nearly a full year since you last hauled one out!” – still Gregg G, still Bonner Springs.
Can it be true? Has it really been a full calendar year since I last did one of these? The answer tragically is “yes”. The last mailbag I did was on April 1st and no, that is not an April Fools Day joke. As always, these are “real queries” from “real readers” of this site.
Did you have a query, “Gregg G”?
* “Yes, I do. If you’re going to go old-school, which I totally love by the way, then please, go all out! We need a classic “Tale of the Tape”, Nick Bakay style!” – Gregg G, Bonner Springs.
You know what? As usual, “The Voice of Reason” is right. So in honor of what figures to be KU’s final trip to Allen Field House East … excuse me, The Plaige … excuse me, the … uuh, what the hell do you people call that place nowadays? It changes names so often that I can’t keep up. Mizzou Arena? Thanks. Since this figures to be KU’s final trip to Mizzou Arena, let’s do the first of (hopefully) four final meetings as conference rivals right, breaking down who’s got the advantage headed into Saturday using the tried and true “Tale of the Tape”!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old dude who possibly has broadcast a game while lit like a Christmas tree:
KU – Max Falkenstein.
MU – Gary Link.
Advantage: push. Anytime drunken old people are given an uncensored microphone, good things happen. See Globes, Golden; Awards, SAG. (Seriously, how EPIC was Tina Fey and Melissa McCarthy chugging shots for each mention of Marty Scorsese’s name? And how awesome was it that some later presenter just randomly said “Scorsese” to lead a round of shots with the audience? The lesson? As always, you can never go wrong with monkeys and midgets. No, wait, it’s that you can never go wrong with giving an intoxicated person an uncensored mic.)
Person who current gymnasium was originally named after:
KU – Phog Allen, a Naismith Hall of Fame player and coach who won two national championships and took Dr. Naismith’s original ideas for the game and improved them. (Such as using buckets with no bottom, to allow easier retrieval of the ball).
MU – Paige Laurie, who admitted to academic fraud while an undergrad at USC.
Advantage: KU. Paige, sorry honey, I have to do it. (stevo at arrowhead after a penalty on the opposition voice) Cheater! Cheater! Dirty f*cking cheater!!!
Most Significant Off Court Achievement by a former player:
KU – Wilt Chamberlain having in excess of 20,000 sexual partners in his lifetime.
MU – Ricky Clemons offending half the state of Missouri and the entire alumni base by calling white people “crackers”, and crashing an ATV on the chancellor’s grounds while under the influence of alcohol and possibly a controlled substance. Mr. Clemons was on probation for numerous other legal issues at the time of his drunken ATV ride.
Advantage: Mizzou. I mean, 20,000 women is one helluva respectable achievement … but come on, drunken stoned ATV ride! Who doesn’t want to be in Ricky Clemons position at that point! Especially since after about partner 13,286, I’d be exhausted. And broke from constantly having to replentish the stash of KY and Lifestyles.
Annoying Animal that Student Body Dresses Up As to Taunt Opposition:
KU – a penguin.
MU – any animal with antlers.
Advantage: Mizzou. The penguin isn’t that intimidating. And probably isn’t wanted in two states and five counties for a variety of local and state offenses.
Big XII Championships:
KU – 11, including seven straight.
MU – zero, zip, nada.
Advantage: Kansas.
Final Four Appearances:
KU – 13, including three in the last ten years.
MU – zero, zip, nada.
Advantage: Kansas. But look on the bright side, Tigers fans – if BYU continues its midseason fade, you can close to within one for the all time record for most seasons in the tournament without reaching the Final Four this year!!! (MU currently trails BYU 26-24.)
Former Coach Who Can Be Legitimately Accused of Coaching Under the Influence:
KU – Ted Owens.
MU – Quin Snyder.
Advantage: Mizzou. Coke trumps grain alcohol. Provided a half-naked secretary performing, uuh, “party favors” while snorting is involved.
Endearing to the Fanbase Chant that Pisses Off Every Other School.
KU – Rock Chalk Jayhawk, KU!
MU – MIZ! ZOU!
Advantage: MU. When coupled with “SEC! SEC!”, the Tigers fans are truly unbearable after a Mizzou win.
Worthless African American Twins to Suit Up for Each Squad:
KU – the Morii, Markieff and Marcus.
MU – the Haley’s, Sally and something.
Advantage: push. We are ALL losers here for having watched them play.
Finally … Best Postgame Interview By a Former Head Coach Regarding the Reality of the Situation:
KU – Roy Williams, after losing to Syracuse in the National Championship game, telling Bonnie Bernstein of CBS Sports that “I don’t give a shit” regarding rumors of his leaving to take the North Carolina job (which he would do).
MU – Norm Stewart, after losing to KU in Lawrence in 1998, as the fans chanted “NIT! NIT!” at Mizzou as they left the court. Coach’s response when asked what he thought of the taunt / insult? “Christ, we aren’t good enough for the NIT”. Mizzou would not participate in any postseason tournament that season.
Advantage: MU. There’s comedy, there’s hysterical comedy, and then there’s a Norm Stewart press conference. Plus “Christ” is the stronger expletive, depending on your view of religion. I really miss Norm. I hope he’s still getting a lot of use out of that rocking chair KU graciously gave him upon his retirement.
So there you have it. When you break down the intangibles … MU wins 5-3, with 2 pushes. And that’s pretty much what I expect to occur on Saturday. I’ll take the Tigers 81-72 in a game that plays out exactly like KU’s game in Ames did: tied at the under four, and MU hits every damned free throw down the stretch to pull away.
* “Come on, where’s the PSA? Where’s the PSA for Mizzou fan?” – Heath C, Harrisonville.
True. Mizzou fan, WHEN you win on Saturday, and you will, ACT like you’re the favorite (which you are). ACT like you’re the more talented team (which you are). ACT like you’re the higher ranked team (which you are) with fewer losses (which you are), and the home court advantage (which you have). If Tiger fan storms the court Saturday night, the Big XII had better fine the shit out of the Mizzou athletic department for endangerment to lives.
On second thought, given what Chuck Nienas said this week regarding Mizzou, uuh, storm away! I guarantee you Mr. Nienas is anxiously awaiting a record setting fine to be handed down on Monday against the Mizzou student body and athletic department for conduct unbecoming of a top five program (which Mizzou is).
* “Congratulations on your spectacularly sage prognostication of predicting the denver broncos would make the playoffs! Thanks Steve!” – Kellie J, KCK.
Godd*mned blocked field goal from 48 yards – twice! – against oakland …
* “You think you’ve had a rough year? My wife flies her broncos flag proudly every game day Sunday. The next time you think you’re having a bad gameday? Remember me. And cry.” – Dusty J, KCK.
Cry? Hell, the last time I pulled into your driveway and saw that piece of should-be-toilet-paper flying from the flagstick, I nearly hit the gas and hit it at full ramming speed. The lesson? As always, when it comes to the denver broncos, I lose all sense of rationale and reason.
* “NO! You CANNOT abandon the President! Come on Stevo, you’re the one ally I have here in the reddest of the red states!!!” – Brett H, Harrisonville.
I’m not abandoning Obama. Hell, it’s still 50/50 I’ll vote for him. (As always, I will not officially endorse a candidate until after the Democratic Convention finishes during the first week in September … and this year, said coveted Stevo Official Endorsement might have to wade through a few debates before I figure out which less-than-attractive-candidate to swallow hard and vote for.)
I just thought his SOTU speech was disgraceful. Especially since the one unquestioned success (albeit a moderate one that needs some adjusting … and albeit, a success only in my eyes apparently) this administration has had, finally beginning to deal with health care costs, got one throw-away line. If you aren’t willing to run on your record, then why the hell are you running?
* “OK, ok, I’ve finally got it. I know what’s gonna rope you into a summer trip to the greatest city in America. Ready?” – Brooke B, Milwaukee.
Oh Lord, I can only imagine where this is going. What reason is that, couz?
* “Guess who’s performing on July 4th at Summerfest!” – still Brooke B, still Milwaukee.
Oh Lord, I can only imagine where this is going. Who’s performing on our nation’s 235th birthday?
* “Neil! Diamond!” – still Brooke B, still Milwaukee.
Sweet f*cking Jesus! Neil Diamond, on the 4th, in concert?!?! Hang on, I’m about to pass out at the possibility of FINALLY crossing “see Neil Diamond in concert” off the bucket list … and having him sing “The Jazz Singer” ON JULY FOURTH! LIVE! (stevo hitting the ground in utter shock). Giggity!
* “OK, you must have something to say regarding what the Chiefs should do at QB. Come on. We count on you to be our “overreact to everything Chiefs related” blogger! I mean … uuh … keep up the good work?” – Damien J, Midtown.
Here’s the big “if”, and yes, it’s a biggie, and I understand going into it that the odds of it happening are roughly the odds of me having sex tonight without having to drive down to Independence Avenue, rent a sleazy motel room for an hour … ok fine, five minutes … and pay the lady for the privilege of experiencing the greatness that is Stevo. Cue your (rimshot!) here.
Here’s what I’m looking at. The Vikings have already publically said they want to trade out of the three hole. IF you figure Luck goes at one, and IF come draft day, the Rams stay in the second slot and take Justin Blackmon from Oklahoma State … uum, well, here’s the question.
Would you trade this year’s number one (either 11 or 12 overall), next year’s number one (likely to be in the low 20s as things stand right now, in my opinion), and swap a few later round picks to make the math work, to move up to three at that moment and take Robert Griffin III?
Ooh, didn’t see that one coming, did ya? Look it, my preference is to swallow hard, deal with Cassel for another year, rely on a heavy ball-control offense, squeeze out a 10-6 division title, and then go all in next spring for Aaron Murray of Georgia or Matt Barkley of USC. But – BUT! – if come about 6:25pm CT on Day One, Griffin is still there, the Vikings are on the clock … do you make the call? Do you spend two first round picks (and probably a 2nd either this year or next) to get “your guy” if you think he’s “the guy”? Or do you swallow hard, cross your fingers, hope Jamaal Charles comes back healthy, and you can return to the ball control / conservative passing game that won you the division last year (and despite it all, was one missed field goal away from winning it again this year)?
I honestly don’t know. Chiefs fans, the comments section is yours to voice your opinion. Whatever said opinion might be.
* “Really? The only movie you saw in a theater all year was the “Footloose” remake? Lame.” – Vineet T, Queens.
To think it was only 14 short years ago that we were stopping in at the Grand every Friday from like mid January to April, to see “Titanic” again. Wait, did I just say that out loud?!?!
* “I wub you Unca Teve!” – Ayden K, Shawnee.
Awww. At least someone does. Did you have a question?
* “Yeah. Teve? Will you watch Wescue Hewoes with me?” – still Ayden K, still Shawnee.
(stevo bashing his head against the window sill …) Sure buddy. Why not.
* “It wasn’t that long ago I was bashing your head against that window sill!” – Drew K, Shawnee.
I know – I still have the scar by my left eye to prove it. Your query?
* “Oh, yeah. Uum … how sweet was BJ’s coming out party on Saturday? To drop not one, not two, but ELEVEN three pointers on the Lakers as the Bucks win in a rout! Awesome stuff!” – still Drew K, still Shawnee.
Hell yes it was. It figures – this was THE weekend I had circled to make a quick getaway to Milwaukee, see the cousin and her husband, and catch a game. I mean, I gotta see Kobe in person once before he retires. You should ALWAYS find a way to see the greatest of the great at least once. (Why the hell do you think I made trips to St. Louis for years to see Sosa, McGwire, Bonds, and the rest of the National Leaguers?) Go figure, work got in the way … but man, what I wouldn’t have given to have been there to witness it in person.
* “So wait, you’re willing to fly now?” – Kristin L, Atlanta.
Ever since your wedding, yes. Its amazing how easily your fear of heights and flying can disappear when you combine a couple shots of vodka with four Benadryls about five minutes before boarding, and then cue up your iTunes to play a steady stream of “NCIS” episodes you’ve seen 15,293 times already to finally knock you out.
* “You mentioned a bucket list already twice in this mailbag” – Brent S, somewhere in Johnson County.
Wait, you could read this before I posted it? My GOD! Psychic! Anyways, your point?
* “Uuh, yeah. Anyways, any goals or dreams for this year? Gotta have something to aim for, right?” – still Brent S, still somewhere in Johnson County.
Well, you’re aiming higher than me, and congratulations by the way, in case I haven’t said it before. Christ, what is it with girls named Ashley always winding up getting married every summer? My brother’s wife in 2005. Gregg’s wife in 2007. Another friend in 2009. Now you AND my friend Novacek this summer. I swear, if DJ had married someone named Ashley, I wouldn’t have known how to react. I might have gone screaming out of the bar or something.
Anyways, yes, I have five things I want to do this year. In no particular order …
1. (cue “the rock” voice) FINALLY, Stevo has come BACK … to Indianapolis!!! I haven’t been to the Brickyard since 2006, I haven’t been to the 500 since 2008. I need to go back. For at least one of them. Preferably the 500, it’s the better event and has the travel day built in. But after four years away, it’s time to get a roadie organized. Speaking of getting a roadie organized …
2. Chiefs play at Tampa this fall. Don’t care where it falls on the schedule, I need to be there. The seashell I have on my desk at work from my last trip to Tampa needs a playmate.
3. I’m not completely naïve – I know this is likely the last summer of the “carefree life as I know it”. My brother and “The Voice of Reason” both are parents now. Brent gets married this summer. DJ and Kellie won’t wait forever to procreate. And it’s been five years since Transamerica shut us down and kicked us to the curb. So if 2012 is the last great summer of my youth … ok fine, early middle age, then dammit, I’m gonna enjoy the hell out of it. And part of that might entail …
4. I want to meet “My Kind of Crazy”. Maybe I already know them, maybe I don’t, but in the words of Jimmy Chitwood, “I figure it’s time I start playing ball”. No, wait, I mean, I’m 35 now. It’s probably time to get serious about finding someone to share this life with, as opposed to share a night with. And along those lines …
5. June 23rd, my folks will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. That’s insane. I can’t even imagine knowing someone for 40 years, let alone sharing a checking account with them. So needless to say, my brother and I have one HELLUVA bash to get to work on. (And in the words of the late, great Senator Kennedy, “you can bet your ass” my Uncle Bill will be involved in any and all planning and details. Because no party is complete without the “straight out of the bottle, or out of the tin cup” decision.)
That a good list?
* “A great one Stevo! But you forgot one – when is (insert ounce here) gonna be? I vote for the Sporting KC game again, I had a blast!” – Megan K, City Market.
Agreed on all counts. Sporting KC is home the first three Saturdays in August. One of those is HIGHLY LIKELY to be this year’s … let’s see, carry the one … carry the three … 455,001st ounce tailgate! Last year’s was a perfect day in my book – the day began with me seeing my nieces baptized … and ended by playing washers on a 106 degree day. It was so freaking hot the sandwich tray I ordered literally melted. Uum, can we have that again please? Although fine, if the temp wants to cap in the high 90s, I’m fine with that. See, I’m getting tolerant of other views in my “middle age”.
* “455,001? I quit.” – Steve’s liver, South KC.
Fair enough. I’ve abused you worse than anything one Orenthal James Simpson ever did to someone he “loved”.
* “Speaking of “monkeys and midgets”, you did see it, right? Oh sweet Jesus, please tell me you saw it!” – Jasson W, Shawnee.
Oh hell yes I saw it! A midget on this spring’s “Survivor”! How EPICALLY AWESOME is this! A freaking MIDGET! The ONLY way this gets better is if (a) there’s a monkey on whatever exotic island they’re filming on, and (b) said midget announces “good news makes the compass point north!” right before hooking up with the tribal skank.
* “Good news makes the compass point north? What the hell does that mean?” – Frank L, El Paso.
It’s a line from one of the most underrated movies of all time, “Mystery Alaska”. Let’s run through the checklist of this “Instant Classic”, shall we?
A pre-famous Russell Crowe that the ladies can drool over? Check.
A pre-West Wing, barely post-Private Parts Mary McCormick for the guys to drool over? Check.
Burt Reynolds in an awful toupee, mailing in the performance? Check.
An uncredited Mike Myers looking worse than his “54” Steve Rubell character? Check.
A 5 year old telling Beth Littleford on (live) TV that “my dog takes big shits”? Check.
The young hero of the local hockey squad being named Steve? CHECK!!!
Said young hero named Steve getting some personal time in a Zamboni with the hottest chick in town? CHECK!!!!!!!
Said young hero named Steve literally nutting as soon as said hottest chick in town goes to apply the condom? (sighing …) Check.
In all seriousness, this is one HELLUVA funny movie. And in one of those “life imitates art” moments, the NHL Winter Classic? The coolest NHL game all year? WAS STOLEN FROM THIS MOVIE! This is where the idea originated – the New York Rangers travel to Mystery, Alaska to play the best amateur team in the country on their “home ice”, literally an outdoor frozen pond. This movie gets a solid 11-5 on the Stevo / Theismann Rating Scale. You won’t regret spending 90 minutes with this one on Netflix.
* “Is there anything scarier than those predators Chris Hansen interviews on “To Catch a Predator”? I mean, I cringe in fear every time I see them on my TV screen! What person could POSSIBLY be worse than those perverts?” – “The Steve Pederson of Tailgating”, Shawnee.
Uh. Oh. We’re in shouting range.
* “Care to guess my final rattlesnake count? 56! 56 Stevo! Yeah, I’m one bad ass mother” – the man affectionately known as “Wyoming”, somewhere in Wyoming.
We’re in sight of the finish line.
* “That godd*mned Danica! Nothing but tits and ass! Tits! And! Ass!” – Gus B, Raytown.
We’re in sniffing range.
* “Hello any single ladies. I’m a 35 SWM interested in NSA relationship. 420 friendly if that’s how you roll. Your pic gets mine. Email back with subject heading of today’s date” – possibly this site’s author, possibly on Craiglist’s casual relationship link.
Come on … I had you for at least 2/1000ths of a second, right? Until next time, let's be careful out there. (Cue "Greatest Theme Song EVER" clip.) And remember – if you liked me, and you like this site, for the LOVE OF GOD, SUBSCRIBE! “The Crush” subscribed three f*cking years ago … and NOBODY HAS SINCE! What, am I that unlovable?!?! (stevo checking his responses to his “craigslist posting” …)
Uuh, I don’t like where this is headed, especially since the last time I tried this, I was called a "dipsh*t", an "assh*le", a "mother f*cker", and told that if I saw said person again, he'd "beat my ass into a coma" …
“So Stevo, while I commend you on your attempts to diversify what you post about, I mean, milking five printed pages on what’s on your iPod is creative genius amigo! But please, I’m begging you, as a friend, as a former roommate, as your appointed “Voice of Reason”, please … will you give us a godd*mned fake mailbag already! It’s been nearly a full year since you last hauled one out!” – still Gregg G, still Bonner Springs.
Can it be true? Has it really been a full calendar year since I last did one of these? The answer tragically is “yes”. The last mailbag I did was on April 1st and no, that is not an April Fools Day joke. As always, these are “real queries” from “real readers” of this site.
Did you have a query, “Gregg G”?
* “Yes, I do. If you’re going to go old-school, which I totally love by the way, then please, go all out! We need a classic “Tale of the Tape”, Nick Bakay style!” – Gregg G, Bonner Springs.
You know what? As usual, “The Voice of Reason” is right. So in honor of what figures to be KU’s final trip to Allen Field House East … excuse me, The Plaige … excuse me, the … uuh, what the hell do you people call that place nowadays? It changes names so often that I can’t keep up. Mizzou Arena? Thanks. Since this figures to be KU’s final trip to Mizzou Arena, let’s do the first of (hopefully) four final meetings as conference rivals right, breaking down who’s got the advantage headed into Saturday using the tried and true “Tale of the Tape”!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old dude who possibly has broadcast a game while lit like a Christmas tree:
KU – Max Falkenstein.
MU – Gary Link.
Advantage: push. Anytime drunken old people are given an uncensored microphone, good things happen. See Globes, Golden; Awards, SAG. (Seriously, how EPIC was Tina Fey and Melissa McCarthy chugging shots for each mention of Marty Scorsese’s name? And how awesome was it that some later presenter just randomly said “Scorsese” to lead a round of shots with the audience? The lesson? As always, you can never go wrong with monkeys and midgets. No, wait, it’s that you can never go wrong with giving an intoxicated person an uncensored mic.)
Person who current gymnasium was originally named after:
KU – Phog Allen, a Naismith Hall of Fame player and coach who won two national championships and took Dr. Naismith’s original ideas for the game and improved them. (Such as using buckets with no bottom, to allow easier retrieval of the ball).
MU – Paige Laurie, who admitted to academic fraud while an undergrad at USC.
Advantage: KU. Paige, sorry honey, I have to do it. (stevo at arrowhead after a penalty on the opposition voice) Cheater! Cheater! Dirty f*cking cheater!!!
Most Significant Off Court Achievement by a former player:
KU – Wilt Chamberlain having in excess of 20,000 sexual partners in his lifetime.
MU – Ricky Clemons offending half the state of Missouri and the entire alumni base by calling white people “crackers”, and crashing an ATV on the chancellor’s grounds while under the influence of alcohol and possibly a controlled substance. Mr. Clemons was on probation for numerous other legal issues at the time of his drunken ATV ride.
Advantage: Mizzou. I mean, 20,000 women is one helluva respectable achievement … but come on, drunken stoned ATV ride! Who doesn’t want to be in Ricky Clemons position at that point! Especially since after about partner 13,286, I’d be exhausted. And broke from constantly having to replentish the stash of KY and Lifestyles.
Annoying Animal that Student Body Dresses Up As to Taunt Opposition:
KU – a penguin.
MU – any animal with antlers.
Advantage: Mizzou. The penguin isn’t that intimidating. And probably isn’t wanted in two states and five counties for a variety of local and state offenses.
Big XII Championships:
KU – 11, including seven straight.
MU – zero, zip, nada.
Advantage: Kansas.
Final Four Appearances:
KU – 13, including three in the last ten years.
MU – zero, zip, nada.
Advantage: Kansas. But look on the bright side, Tigers fans – if BYU continues its midseason fade, you can close to within one for the all time record for most seasons in the tournament without reaching the Final Four this year!!! (MU currently trails BYU 26-24.)
Former Coach Who Can Be Legitimately Accused of Coaching Under the Influence:
KU – Ted Owens.
MU – Quin Snyder.
Advantage: Mizzou. Coke trumps grain alcohol. Provided a half-naked secretary performing, uuh, “party favors” while snorting is involved.
Endearing to the Fanbase Chant that Pisses Off Every Other School.
KU – Rock Chalk Jayhawk, KU!
MU – MIZ! ZOU!
Advantage: MU. When coupled with “SEC! SEC!”, the Tigers fans are truly unbearable after a Mizzou win.
Worthless African American Twins to Suit Up for Each Squad:
KU – the Morii, Markieff and Marcus.
MU – the Haley’s, Sally and something.
Advantage: push. We are ALL losers here for having watched them play.
Finally … Best Postgame Interview By a Former Head Coach Regarding the Reality of the Situation:
KU – Roy Williams, after losing to Syracuse in the National Championship game, telling Bonnie Bernstein of CBS Sports that “I don’t give a shit” regarding rumors of his leaving to take the North Carolina job (which he would do).
MU – Norm Stewart, after losing to KU in Lawrence in 1998, as the fans chanted “NIT! NIT!” at Mizzou as they left the court. Coach’s response when asked what he thought of the taunt / insult? “Christ, we aren’t good enough for the NIT”. Mizzou would not participate in any postseason tournament that season.
Advantage: MU. There’s comedy, there’s hysterical comedy, and then there’s a Norm Stewart press conference. Plus “Christ” is the stronger expletive, depending on your view of religion. I really miss Norm. I hope he’s still getting a lot of use out of that rocking chair KU graciously gave him upon his retirement.
So there you have it. When you break down the intangibles … MU wins 5-3, with 2 pushes. And that’s pretty much what I expect to occur on Saturday. I’ll take the Tigers 81-72 in a game that plays out exactly like KU’s game in Ames did: tied at the under four, and MU hits every damned free throw down the stretch to pull away.
* “Come on, where’s the PSA? Where’s the PSA for Mizzou fan?” – Heath C, Harrisonville.
True. Mizzou fan, WHEN you win on Saturday, and you will, ACT like you’re the favorite (which you are). ACT like you’re the more talented team (which you are). ACT like you’re the higher ranked team (which you are) with fewer losses (which you are), and the home court advantage (which you have). If Tiger fan storms the court Saturday night, the Big XII had better fine the shit out of the Mizzou athletic department for endangerment to lives.
On second thought, given what Chuck Nienas said this week regarding Mizzou, uuh, storm away! I guarantee you Mr. Nienas is anxiously awaiting a record setting fine to be handed down on Monday against the Mizzou student body and athletic department for conduct unbecoming of a top five program (which Mizzou is).
* “Congratulations on your spectacularly sage prognostication of predicting the denver broncos would make the playoffs! Thanks Steve!” – Kellie J, KCK.
Godd*mned blocked field goal from 48 yards – twice! – against oakland …
* “You think you’ve had a rough year? My wife flies her broncos flag proudly every game day Sunday. The next time you think you’re having a bad gameday? Remember me. And cry.” – Dusty J, KCK.
Cry? Hell, the last time I pulled into your driveway and saw that piece of should-be-toilet-paper flying from the flagstick, I nearly hit the gas and hit it at full ramming speed. The lesson? As always, when it comes to the denver broncos, I lose all sense of rationale and reason.
* “NO! You CANNOT abandon the President! Come on Stevo, you’re the one ally I have here in the reddest of the red states!!!” – Brett H, Harrisonville.
I’m not abandoning Obama. Hell, it’s still 50/50 I’ll vote for him. (As always, I will not officially endorse a candidate until after the Democratic Convention finishes during the first week in September … and this year, said coveted Stevo Official Endorsement might have to wade through a few debates before I figure out which less-than-attractive-candidate to swallow hard and vote for.)
I just thought his SOTU speech was disgraceful. Especially since the one unquestioned success (albeit a moderate one that needs some adjusting … and albeit, a success only in my eyes apparently) this administration has had, finally beginning to deal with health care costs, got one throw-away line. If you aren’t willing to run on your record, then why the hell are you running?
* “OK, ok, I’ve finally got it. I know what’s gonna rope you into a summer trip to the greatest city in America. Ready?” – Brooke B, Milwaukee.
Oh Lord, I can only imagine where this is going. What reason is that, couz?
* “Guess who’s performing on July 4th at Summerfest!” – still Brooke B, still Milwaukee.
Oh Lord, I can only imagine where this is going. Who’s performing on our nation’s 235th birthday?
* “Neil! Diamond!” – still Brooke B, still Milwaukee.
Sweet f*cking Jesus! Neil Diamond, on the 4th, in concert?!?! Hang on, I’m about to pass out at the possibility of FINALLY crossing “see Neil Diamond in concert” off the bucket list … and having him sing “The Jazz Singer” ON JULY FOURTH! LIVE! (stevo hitting the ground in utter shock). Giggity!
* “OK, you must have something to say regarding what the Chiefs should do at QB. Come on. We count on you to be our “overreact to everything Chiefs related” blogger! I mean … uuh … keep up the good work?” – Damien J, Midtown.
Here’s the big “if”, and yes, it’s a biggie, and I understand going into it that the odds of it happening are roughly the odds of me having sex tonight without having to drive down to Independence Avenue, rent a sleazy motel room for an hour … ok fine, five minutes … and pay the lady for the privilege of experiencing the greatness that is Stevo. Cue your (rimshot!) here.
Here’s what I’m looking at. The Vikings have already publically said they want to trade out of the three hole. IF you figure Luck goes at one, and IF come draft day, the Rams stay in the second slot and take Justin Blackmon from Oklahoma State … uum, well, here’s the question.
Would you trade this year’s number one (either 11 or 12 overall), next year’s number one (likely to be in the low 20s as things stand right now, in my opinion), and swap a few later round picks to make the math work, to move up to three at that moment and take Robert Griffin III?
Ooh, didn’t see that one coming, did ya? Look it, my preference is to swallow hard, deal with Cassel for another year, rely on a heavy ball-control offense, squeeze out a 10-6 division title, and then go all in next spring for Aaron Murray of Georgia or Matt Barkley of USC. But – BUT! – if come about 6:25pm CT on Day One, Griffin is still there, the Vikings are on the clock … do you make the call? Do you spend two first round picks (and probably a 2nd either this year or next) to get “your guy” if you think he’s “the guy”? Or do you swallow hard, cross your fingers, hope Jamaal Charles comes back healthy, and you can return to the ball control / conservative passing game that won you the division last year (and despite it all, was one missed field goal away from winning it again this year)?
I honestly don’t know. Chiefs fans, the comments section is yours to voice your opinion. Whatever said opinion might be.
* “Really? The only movie you saw in a theater all year was the “Footloose” remake? Lame.” – Vineet T, Queens.
To think it was only 14 short years ago that we were stopping in at the Grand every Friday from like mid January to April, to see “Titanic” again. Wait, did I just say that out loud?!?!
* “I wub you Unca Teve!” – Ayden K, Shawnee.
Awww. At least someone does. Did you have a question?
* “Yeah. Teve? Will you watch Wescue Hewoes with me?” – still Ayden K, still Shawnee.
(stevo bashing his head against the window sill …) Sure buddy. Why not.
* “It wasn’t that long ago I was bashing your head against that window sill!” – Drew K, Shawnee.
I know – I still have the scar by my left eye to prove it. Your query?
* “Oh, yeah. Uum … how sweet was BJ’s coming out party on Saturday? To drop not one, not two, but ELEVEN three pointers on the Lakers as the Bucks win in a rout! Awesome stuff!” – still Drew K, still Shawnee.
Hell yes it was. It figures – this was THE weekend I had circled to make a quick getaway to Milwaukee, see the cousin and her husband, and catch a game. I mean, I gotta see Kobe in person once before he retires. You should ALWAYS find a way to see the greatest of the great at least once. (Why the hell do you think I made trips to St. Louis for years to see Sosa, McGwire, Bonds, and the rest of the National Leaguers?) Go figure, work got in the way … but man, what I wouldn’t have given to have been there to witness it in person.
* “So wait, you’re willing to fly now?” – Kristin L, Atlanta.
Ever since your wedding, yes. Its amazing how easily your fear of heights and flying can disappear when you combine a couple shots of vodka with four Benadryls about five minutes before boarding, and then cue up your iTunes to play a steady stream of “NCIS” episodes you’ve seen 15,293 times already to finally knock you out.
* “You mentioned a bucket list already twice in this mailbag” – Brent S, somewhere in Johnson County.
Wait, you could read this before I posted it? My GOD! Psychic! Anyways, your point?
* “Uuh, yeah. Anyways, any goals or dreams for this year? Gotta have something to aim for, right?” – still Brent S, still somewhere in Johnson County.
Well, you’re aiming higher than me, and congratulations by the way, in case I haven’t said it before. Christ, what is it with girls named Ashley always winding up getting married every summer? My brother’s wife in 2005. Gregg’s wife in 2007. Another friend in 2009. Now you AND my friend Novacek this summer. I swear, if DJ had married someone named Ashley, I wouldn’t have known how to react. I might have gone screaming out of the bar or something.
Anyways, yes, I have five things I want to do this year. In no particular order …
1. (cue “the rock” voice) FINALLY, Stevo has come BACK … to Indianapolis!!! I haven’t been to the Brickyard since 2006, I haven’t been to the 500 since 2008. I need to go back. For at least one of them. Preferably the 500, it’s the better event and has the travel day built in. But after four years away, it’s time to get a roadie organized. Speaking of getting a roadie organized …
2. Chiefs play at Tampa this fall. Don’t care where it falls on the schedule, I need to be there. The seashell I have on my desk at work from my last trip to Tampa needs a playmate.
3. I’m not completely naïve – I know this is likely the last summer of the “carefree life as I know it”. My brother and “The Voice of Reason” both are parents now. Brent gets married this summer. DJ and Kellie won’t wait forever to procreate. And it’s been five years since Transamerica shut us down and kicked us to the curb. So if 2012 is the last great summer of my youth … ok fine, early middle age, then dammit, I’m gonna enjoy the hell out of it. And part of that might entail …
4. I want to meet “My Kind of Crazy”. Maybe I already know them, maybe I don’t, but in the words of Jimmy Chitwood, “I figure it’s time I start playing ball”. No, wait, I mean, I’m 35 now. It’s probably time to get serious about finding someone to share this life with, as opposed to share a night with. And along those lines …
5. June 23rd, my folks will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. That’s insane. I can’t even imagine knowing someone for 40 years, let alone sharing a checking account with them. So needless to say, my brother and I have one HELLUVA bash to get to work on. (And in the words of the late, great Senator Kennedy, “you can bet your ass” my Uncle Bill will be involved in any and all planning and details. Because no party is complete without the “straight out of the bottle, or out of the tin cup” decision.)
That a good list?
* “A great one Stevo! But you forgot one – when is (insert ounce here) gonna be? I vote for the Sporting KC game again, I had a blast!” – Megan K, City Market.
Agreed on all counts. Sporting KC is home the first three Saturdays in August. One of those is HIGHLY LIKELY to be this year’s … let’s see, carry the one … carry the three … 455,001st ounce tailgate! Last year’s was a perfect day in my book – the day began with me seeing my nieces baptized … and ended by playing washers on a 106 degree day. It was so freaking hot the sandwich tray I ordered literally melted. Uum, can we have that again please? Although fine, if the temp wants to cap in the high 90s, I’m fine with that. See, I’m getting tolerant of other views in my “middle age”.
* “455,001? I quit.” – Steve’s liver, South KC.
Fair enough. I’ve abused you worse than anything one Orenthal James Simpson ever did to someone he “loved”.
* “Speaking of “monkeys and midgets”, you did see it, right? Oh sweet Jesus, please tell me you saw it!” – Jasson W, Shawnee.
Oh hell yes I saw it! A midget on this spring’s “Survivor”! How EPICALLY AWESOME is this! A freaking MIDGET! The ONLY way this gets better is if (a) there’s a monkey on whatever exotic island they’re filming on, and (b) said midget announces “good news makes the compass point north!” right before hooking up with the tribal skank.
* “Good news makes the compass point north? What the hell does that mean?” – Frank L, El Paso.
It’s a line from one of the most underrated movies of all time, “Mystery Alaska”. Let’s run through the checklist of this “Instant Classic”, shall we?
A pre-famous Russell Crowe that the ladies can drool over? Check.
A pre-West Wing, barely post-Private Parts Mary McCormick for the guys to drool over? Check.
Burt Reynolds in an awful toupee, mailing in the performance? Check.
An uncredited Mike Myers looking worse than his “54” Steve Rubell character? Check.
A 5 year old telling Beth Littleford on (live) TV that “my dog takes big shits”? Check.
The young hero of the local hockey squad being named Steve? CHECK!!!
Said young hero named Steve getting some personal time in a Zamboni with the hottest chick in town? CHECK!!!!!!!
Said young hero named Steve literally nutting as soon as said hottest chick in town goes to apply the condom? (sighing …) Check.
In all seriousness, this is one HELLUVA funny movie. And in one of those “life imitates art” moments, the NHL Winter Classic? The coolest NHL game all year? WAS STOLEN FROM THIS MOVIE! This is where the idea originated – the New York Rangers travel to Mystery, Alaska to play the best amateur team in the country on their “home ice”, literally an outdoor frozen pond. This movie gets a solid 11-5 on the Stevo / Theismann Rating Scale. You won’t regret spending 90 minutes with this one on Netflix.
* “Is there anything scarier than those predators Chris Hansen interviews on “To Catch a Predator”? I mean, I cringe in fear every time I see them on my TV screen! What person could POSSIBLY be worse than those perverts?” – “The Steve Pederson of Tailgating”, Shawnee.
Uh. Oh. We’re in shouting range.
* “Care to guess my final rattlesnake count? 56! 56 Stevo! Yeah, I’m one bad ass mother” – the man affectionately known as “Wyoming”, somewhere in Wyoming.
We’re in sight of the finish line.
* “That godd*mned Danica! Nothing but tits and ass! Tits! And! Ass!” – Gus B, Raytown.
We’re in sniffing range.
* “Hello any single ladies. I’m a 35 SWM interested in NSA relationship. 420 friendly if that’s how you roll. Your pic gets mine. Email back with subject heading of today’s date” – possibly this site’s author, possibly on Craiglist’s casual relationship link.
Come on … I had you for at least 2/1000ths of a second, right? Until next time, let's be careful out there. (Cue "Greatest Theme Song EVER" clip.) And remember – if you liked me, and you like this site, for the LOVE OF GOD, SUBSCRIBE! “The Crush” subscribed three f*cking years ago … and NOBODY HAS SINCE! What, am I that unlovable?!?! (stevo checking his responses to his “craigslist posting” …)
Friday, January 27, 2012
a throwback (to 2008) friday ...
Its been four freaking years since I last posted one of these ... so in the words of the racist investment dude in the old Fidelity ads: “Why not”?
The top ten played songs on my iPod this week!
(Boy if this isn’t the ultimate “I have no damned interesting thing to write about, so let’s fling this against the wall and see if it sticks” post.)
Before we get started though, a quick word up front. Since I got one email this week (wait, people read this crap? (john davidson voice) That’s Incredible!!!) asking me “where is the “American Idol” recaps”, let me once again state that yes, I am completely addicted to “Idol” ... but I won’t watch a second of the show until they hit Top 24 night. I have no interest in watching a bunch of no-talent halfwits makes asses of themselves for fifteen seconds of fame in the audition rounds. So you won’t be seeing an “Idol” recap for at least a few weeks.
Here we go:
10. “Do I” by Luke Bryan. This song is really growing on me. And I think that’s a good thing. It’s got a sweet sound, its got a good tone, and man, the lyrics really hit home. Strongly recommend spending the $1.29 on iTunes for your own copy of it. (As always, this site strongly supports legal file sharing and downloading. Although this site also notes that it never has charged for content, and never will. Nor will it ever start posting “click here” pop-up ads designed to net me $0.02 per click in my bank account. I think I can live without the $0.24 that might generate over the course of a year.)
9. “I and Love and You” by the Avett Brothers. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: you will never meet or read any person in your life with a more diverse musical taste than me. This one’s a couple years old, but it still sounds great on my 1,058,634th listen. Truth be told, this stripped down, “emo style” music is probably what I prefer most of all ... and this song is phenomenal.
8. “Tyler” by the Toadies. Don’t care that this song is fifteen years old, don’t care that it’s on arguably the most overrated cd of all time in hindsight (so, go figure, it’s one of my ten favorite cd’s ever – “Possum Kingdom”, “Tyler”, “When I’m Away”, and at least a couple other hits I’m forgetting). I absolutely dig this song. The ending never gets old – “I can’t believe I’m really here / And she’s lying in that bed / I can almost feel her touch / And her anxious breath”. Who says the grunge era never churned out a love song!
7. “Out of My Head” by Theory of a Deadman. Probably my second favorite song of the last four years. (My favorite, and the whole reason I did this post, still to appear later in the countdown). This song I literally cannot get out of my head, and I literally cannot stop rewinding whenever my shuffle lands on it.
2011 was a weird year for me, in that it was seven years after the worst year of my life. I blame this on my mom – bear with me here. My mom is big into studying the Jewish faith and culture right now. And apparently they teach this thing about how every seven years, your life cycles through. (I’d be lying if I said I totally grasped it, I tend to half-listen while on the phone with her at times, especially whenever religious themes get brought up.) Essentially, the idea is that what was horrendous seven years ago, you’re forgiven for seven years later, and given a fresh start and a more optimistic outlook. (No clue if the inverse is true. Given my luck, you probably do NOT want to be associated with me in 2018.)
Anyways, seven years ago, in the span of six weeks, I buried a good buddy of mine, I buried a guy that was like a second father, and I buried my last grandparent. (Good times! Not.) And that was arguably the HIGH point of the last six, seven months of that year. 2011? I only attended one funeral all year, and that was for someone who essentially died in 2010. Instead the opposite was true. Multiple weddings. Tons of fun road trips all summer long. A new job, a promotion, new responsibilities – where I worked seven years ago, I was in a position I hated, for a boss I despised. Now? I tolerate the job, and I cycled through not one, not two, but THREE bosses last year! Who says stability is overrated!
My typical long-winded point being, this song gets to me, just because I’m a reflective kind of guy. And when I look back at where I was seven years ago, versus where I’m at today? To quote the Vice President from his acceptance speech four years ago, “I’m a success. I’m one helluva surprising success!”
6. “Fake ID” by Big and Rich (with Gretchen Wilson). I saw exactly one movie in the theaters in 2011. Absolutely that movie was the “Footloose” remake, and one of my favorite scenes was in the country dive bar when Ren and Ariel and Dusty take over the floor as this song plays. (Probably because of Ren’s epic comeback to Willard when he notes “I can’t dance”. Said comeback? “It’s country line dancing! It’s a white guy’s wet dream!” That’s comedy.)
Plus ... (cover your eyes, mom and dad, if you’re reading ...) this kinda flashes me back to one of my brother’s most inspired ideas ever. I went to college in Texas, although I am from Kansas originally (now living on the Missouri side). And after about two or three weeks of constant “is this legit?!?!” questions of my Kansas ID after I turned 21 down there, I’d had enough, so I went and got a Texas state ID to ensure unlimited, unquestioned access to alcohol.
And it turned out to be the gift that kept giving ... because the corner of it wound up getting frayed, so my brother decided to co-op it for his college years (while underage), and managed to get a cropped photo of him on there where my photo used to be. Genius. Which I am definitely not the one in the family.
5. “Faded” by Soul Decision. (stevo ducking rotten tomatoes being hurled his way ...) Yes, its a crappy boy band from the early 2000s. Yes, its an epically awful song that having on your iPod is an indefensible crime. Having said that ... how can you top the chorus?
“I’m kind of faded but I feel alright /
Thinkin’ ‘bout making my move tonight /
I can’t pretend that you’re only my friend /
When you’re holding my body tight /
‘Cause I like the way you’re making him move /
And I like the way you’re making me wait /
And at the end of the night /
When I make up your mind /
You’ll be coming on home with me”
Now THAT’S what I call a love song!
(And admit it: if you clicked on the Youtube! link and listened? You kinda liked the song! "Think what we could do clothed!" NEVER fails to crack me up! To say nothing of the white guy rapping before you hit the final chorus. "Hi. Yo. I'm faded!" Jesus, how did the late, great "TRL" never retire this music video?!?!)
4. “Fooled Around and Fell In Love” by Elvin Bishop. A late 1970s classic that is criminitely underrated. I’ve always said this is DJ’s personal theme song. If the song fits, embrace it.
(And don't worry if you click the link and ask the obvious -- it's his only US hit as well.)
3. “The More I Drink” by Blake Shelton. Well hell, if the previous song is DJ’s personal anthem, then this one pretty much has to be mine, doesn’t it? Tell me the chorus to this song doesn’t describe me at a tailgate to the N at the end of my first name:
“Cause the more I drink?
The more I drink!
And I’m the world’s greatest lover
And a dancing machine!
I get loud! I get proud!
And it gets worse.
Well, if I have one?
I’ll have thirteen!
And there ain’t no in between.
Cause the more I drink?
Ooh, the more I drink!”
If he’d tossed in a throw-away line about “somehow losing my t-shirt”, in the bastardized words of Dan Fouts, “hey, that’s me!” At a tailgate. With the booze. (Oh hell yes, I just managed to get a “Clue” reference into this post! Greatest. Board. Game. Ever. And one HELLUVA criminitely underrated movie.)
2. “Toes” by Zac Brown Band. If 2011 was the best year of my life (and it’s in a very small list of potential nominees), then walking up and down the beach in Fort Lauderdale to and from my folks hotel in early November, in 80 degree weather, as this song played on said iPod, HAS to rank amongst the ten best moments of the year, if not of the decade. My God. I cannot believe I’m about to admit this ... but Dusty is a genius. The kid is a mother f*cking genius. And here’s why.
Schedule a week-long getaway every early fall or early spring to a warm, tropical climate? CHECK! CHECK!!! OH HELL TO THE MO FO YES CHECK!!!!!
(My way of saying ... Chiefs play at Tampa this fall. Let’s hope the NFL schedules that one in early December, not mid September. Because I NEED my beach week!
But this week’s “winner”? The song with more plays than any other? Is a song that apparently was released thirteen months ago ... and I never knew it. And that song is ...
1. “My Kind of Crazy” by Brantley Gilbert.
In the last five years, only one song has ever hit me like this song did when I finally heard it earlier this week on XM 59, The Highway. (And go figure – I’ve had this song downloaded for FOUR MONTHS ... and haven’t listened to it once until this week.)
That song was “Come On Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson. This one? I like even better than that one.
If you spend $1.29 on ANYTHING in the next week? This is well worth the investment.
"Yeah and she's my kind of crazy /
Little games she plays? Lord will never get old /
She's too cute to get on my last nerve /
The way she throws her little fits /
Pokin' out her lip and bitin' mine when we kiss /
There ain't a fight that she can't win /
That's my baby ... and she's my kind of crazy."
Here's top hoping 2012 is when Stevo finally finds "his kind of crazy" ... although sweet Jesus, how f*cked up has THAT chick got to be, to be MY kind of "crazy"? Damn I want to find out ...
The top ten played songs on my iPod this week!
(Boy if this isn’t the ultimate “I have no damned interesting thing to write about, so let’s fling this against the wall and see if it sticks” post.)
Before we get started though, a quick word up front. Since I got one email this week (wait, people read this crap? (john davidson voice) That’s Incredible!!!) asking me “where is the “American Idol” recaps”, let me once again state that yes, I am completely addicted to “Idol” ... but I won’t watch a second of the show until they hit Top 24 night. I have no interest in watching a bunch of no-talent halfwits makes asses of themselves for fifteen seconds of fame in the audition rounds. So you won’t be seeing an “Idol” recap for at least a few weeks.
Here we go:
10. “Do I” by Luke Bryan. This song is really growing on me. And I think that’s a good thing. It’s got a sweet sound, its got a good tone, and man, the lyrics really hit home. Strongly recommend spending the $1.29 on iTunes for your own copy of it. (As always, this site strongly supports legal file sharing and downloading. Although this site also notes that it never has charged for content, and never will. Nor will it ever start posting “click here” pop-up ads designed to net me $0.02 per click in my bank account. I think I can live without the $0.24 that might generate over the course of a year.)
9. “I and Love and You” by the Avett Brothers. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: you will never meet or read any person in your life with a more diverse musical taste than me. This one’s a couple years old, but it still sounds great on my 1,058,634th listen. Truth be told, this stripped down, “emo style” music is probably what I prefer most of all ... and this song is phenomenal.
8. “Tyler” by the Toadies. Don’t care that this song is fifteen years old, don’t care that it’s on arguably the most overrated cd of all time in hindsight (so, go figure, it’s one of my ten favorite cd’s ever – “Possum Kingdom”, “Tyler”, “When I’m Away”, and at least a couple other hits I’m forgetting). I absolutely dig this song. The ending never gets old – “I can’t believe I’m really here / And she’s lying in that bed / I can almost feel her touch / And her anxious breath”. Who says the grunge era never churned out a love song!
7. “Out of My Head” by Theory of a Deadman. Probably my second favorite song of the last four years. (My favorite, and the whole reason I did this post, still to appear later in the countdown). This song I literally cannot get out of my head, and I literally cannot stop rewinding whenever my shuffle lands on it.
2011 was a weird year for me, in that it was seven years after the worst year of my life. I blame this on my mom – bear with me here. My mom is big into studying the Jewish faith and culture right now. And apparently they teach this thing about how every seven years, your life cycles through. (I’d be lying if I said I totally grasped it, I tend to half-listen while on the phone with her at times, especially whenever religious themes get brought up.) Essentially, the idea is that what was horrendous seven years ago, you’re forgiven for seven years later, and given a fresh start and a more optimistic outlook. (No clue if the inverse is true. Given my luck, you probably do NOT want to be associated with me in 2018.)
Anyways, seven years ago, in the span of six weeks, I buried a good buddy of mine, I buried a guy that was like a second father, and I buried my last grandparent. (Good times! Not.) And that was arguably the HIGH point of the last six, seven months of that year. 2011? I only attended one funeral all year, and that was for someone who essentially died in 2010. Instead the opposite was true. Multiple weddings. Tons of fun road trips all summer long. A new job, a promotion, new responsibilities – where I worked seven years ago, I was in a position I hated, for a boss I despised. Now? I tolerate the job, and I cycled through not one, not two, but THREE bosses last year! Who says stability is overrated!
My typical long-winded point being, this song gets to me, just because I’m a reflective kind of guy. And when I look back at where I was seven years ago, versus where I’m at today? To quote the Vice President from his acceptance speech four years ago, “I’m a success. I’m one helluva surprising success!”
6. “Fake ID” by Big and Rich (with Gretchen Wilson). I saw exactly one movie in the theaters in 2011. Absolutely that movie was the “Footloose” remake, and one of my favorite scenes was in the country dive bar when Ren and Ariel and Dusty take over the floor as this song plays. (Probably because of Ren’s epic comeback to Willard when he notes “I can’t dance”. Said comeback? “It’s country line dancing! It’s a white guy’s wet dream!” That’s comedy.)
Plus ... (cover your eyes, mom and dad, if you’re reading ...) this kinda flashes me back to one of my brother’s most inspired ideas ever. I went to college in Texas, although I am from Kansas originally (now living on the Missouri side). And after about two or three weeks of constant “is this legit?!?!” questions of my Kansas ID after I turned 21 down there, I’d had enough, so I went and got a Texas state ID to ensure unlimited, unquestioned access to alcohol.
And it turned out to be the gift that kept giving ... because the corner of it wound up getting frayed, so my brother decided to co-op it for his college years (while underage), and managed to get a cropped photo of him on there where my photo used to be. Genius. Which I am definitely not the one in the family.
5. “Faded” by Soul Decision. (stevo ducking rotten tomatoes being hurled his way ...) Yes, its a crappy boy band from the early 2000s. Yes, its an epically awful song that having on your iPod is an indefensible crime. Having said that ... how can you top the chorus?
“I’m kind of faded but I feel alright /
Thinkin’ ‘bout making my move tonight /
I can’t pretend that you’re only my friend /
When you’re holding my body tight /
‘Cause I like the way you’re making him move /
And I like the way you’re making me wait /
And at the end of the night /
When I make up your mind /
You’ll be coming on home with me”
Now THAT’S what I call a love song!
(And admit it: if you clicked on the Youtube! link and listened? You kinda liked the song! "Think what we could do clothed!" NEVER fails to crack me up! To say nothing of the white guy rapping before you hit the final chorus. "Hi. Yo. I'm faded!" Jesus, how did the late, great "TRL" never retire this music video?!?!)
4. “Fooled Around and Fell In Love” by Elvin Bishop. A late 1970s classic that is criminitely underrated. I’ve always said this is DJ’s personal theme song. If the song fits, embrace it.
(And don't worry if you click the link and ask the obvious -- it's his only US hit as well.)
3. “The More I Drink” by Blake Shelton. Well hell, if the previous song is DJ’s personal anthem, then this one pretty much has to be mine, doesn’t it? Tell me the chorus to this song doesn’t describe me at a tailgate to the N at the end of my first name:
“Cause the more I drink?
The more I drink!
And I’m the world’s greatest lover
And a dancing machine!
I get loud! I get proud!
And it gets worse.
Well, if I have one?
I’ll have thirteen!
And there ain’t no in between.
Cause the more I drink?
Ooh, the more I drink!”
If he’d tossed in a throw-away line about “somehow losing my t-shirt”, in the bastardized words of Dan Fouts, “hey, that’s me!” At a tailgate. With the booze. (Oh hell yes, I just managed to get a “Clue” reference into this post! Greatest. Board. Game. Ever. And one HELLUVA criminitely underrated movie.)
2. “Toes” by Zac Brown Band. If 2011 was the best year of my life (and it’s in a very small list of potential nominees), then walking up and down the beach in Fort Lauderdale to and from my folks hotel in early November, in 80 degree weather, as this song played on said iPod, HAS to rank amongst the ten best moments of the year, if not of the decade. My God. I cannot believe I’m about to admit this ... but Dusty is a genius. The kid is a mother f*cking genius. And here’s why.
Schedule a week-long getaway every early fall or early spring to a warm, tropical climate? CHECK! CHECK!!! OH HELL TO THE MO FO YES CHECK!!!!!
(My way of saying ... Chiefs play at Tampa this fall. Let’s hope the NFL schedules that one in early December, not mid September. Because I NEED my beach week!
But this week’s “winner”? The song with more plays than any other? Is a song that apparently was released thirteen months ago ... and I never knew it. And that song is ...
1. “My Kind of Crazy” by Brantley Gilbert.
In the last five years, only one song has ever hit me like this song did when I finally heard it earlier this week on XM 59, The Highway. (And go figure – I’ve had this song downloaded for FOUR MONTHS ... and haven’t listened to it once until this week.)
That song was “Come On Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson. This one? I like even better than that one.
If you spend $1.29 on ANYTHING in the next week? This is well worth the investment.
"Yeah and she's my kind of crazy /
Little games she plays? Lord will never get old /
She's too cute to get on my last nerve /
The way she throws her little fits /
Pokin' out her lip and bitin' mine when we kiss /
There ain't a fight that she can't win /
That's my baby ... and she's my kind of crazy."
Here's top hoping 2012 is when Stevo finally finds "his kind of crazy" ... although sweet Jesus, how f*cked up has THAT chick got to be, to be MY kind of "crazy"? Damn I want to find out ...
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
sotu 2012: stevo reacts
“You can fool some of the people some of the time, and most of the people most of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time” – Abraham Lincoln.
------------------------------------
If President Obama was going to use a Lincoln reference in last night’s embarrassing, pathetic, vomit-inducing State of the Union speech, that’s the Lincoln reference he should have used.
I sat like a slack-jawed yokel for at least 55 of the approximately 70 minutes the President took up last night, amazed at his incredible ability to simply ignore reality and lie to the masses. Honestly, Bill Clinton had to be somewhere with the same slack-jawed yokel look on his face. “Really? They attempt to impeach me for lying less brazenly than this guy did?!?!” If I wasn’t a political junkie, I probably would have turned the channel. Instead, I dealt with the absolute horseshit on my television screen in true Stevo-style: I cracked open a Budweiser ... then threw the empty can across the room at the flat screen.
Sadly for the President, the can(s) failed to destroy my TV, so I won’t be contributing to this “economic recovery” tonight via a new electronics purchase. But I am putting my $.02 out there, via my thoughts on the most disgraceful Presidential address ever delivered to a joint session of Congress.
And that’s CHANGE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN BABY!!! (rimshot!!!)
Here then are a few random thoughts I have regarding what hopefully is the rock-bottom moment of the most wasted administration in history ...
* I watched MSNBC leading up to the speech, because (a) despite my feelings about this asshat currently occupying the Oval Office, I still believe in “the cause” (aka “I’m a liberal”), and (b) Chris Matthews is every bit as unhinged about this administration as I am. Again, you can fool some people, and most people, but not all people. Anyone with a functioning brain and a IQ level of over 35 saw this trainwreck of an administration coming four f*cking years ago. It’s why we backed Hillary, and voted McCain, no matter which side of the aisle you reside on politically. If you were a Democrat? McCain was an acceptable alternative, someone who wouldn’t embarrass himself or his nation, or make you think “sweet Jesus, I need to make sure my passport is current, its time to move to Mexico!!!” And if you were a Republican? The same applied to Hillary.
Last night? Was EXACTLY why we felt the way we did in 2008. Because the ONLY achievements this President has to tout? Are all related to foreign policy. Who runs his foreign policy? Hillary. (And Leon Panetta, a loyal Hillary supporter and Clinton administration staffer). What does it say that the ONLY thing you can justify your re-election on, is what your primary rival has done for you?
* Also, I watch MSNBC ... because the other hosts are ready to lynch Reverend Al. The hatred they all have for him is hysterical. Lawrence O’Donnell doesn’t even bother with the “Reverend” anymore, he just derisively calls him “Al”, or sarcastically calls him “Sharpy”. Ed Schultz looked ready to reach across two anchors and a desk and strangle Reverend Al. And poor Rachel Maddow. In the interest of full disclosure, I love Rachel Maddow. But not even she can referee this trainwreck of a broadcast.
(My way of saying: only seven months to the conventions!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!)
* There were a few highlights on the night, as embarrassing as the spectacle was, and the first one I know MSNBC caught. (I didn’t flip down to CNN, CSPAN, or Faux News ... excuse me, FOX News, even once. I did switch to ABC once the speech began, because they’re pretty much the last unbiased network left on our airwaves.) And the first highlight was when Rep. Giffords took her seat on near the front of the chamber. Both sides of the aisle stood and applauded as one ... and in a sincere display of class, dignity, and bi-partisanship, Majority Leader Cantor walked over and extended warm greetings to Rep. Giffords. There’s a time and a place to have your differences. This wasn’t one of them, and kudos to Rep. Cantor for his class.
* Not sure whose fake tan was worse, Vice President Biden or Speaker Boehner. They both clearly went for the spray-on.
* The second highlight: when the House Speaker at Arms introduced the President. I don’t care who the President is, and God knows I haven’t cared for anyone we’ve elected in this century ... that moment gives me chills, because for however long it takes for the President to meet-n-greet and reach the podium, and then the Speaker officially introduces said President to the assembled, it’s America at it’s finest – every elected and appointed officer of government in the House giving the President the respect he is deserved. That moment never fails to uplift me.
* Cheap intended campaign stunt that didn’t bother me: the President spending a few moments with Rep. Giffords. It looked genuine. And I believe that it was. Whatever I may think of this President, and I don’t think much of him, he is a decent person, and he deserves respect for that. (Funny, I used to type that EXACT SAME SENTENCE about the man who preceded him in the office.)
* I’d love to have known what Obama and Boehner and Biden were chuckling about as Obama delivered the printed copies of the speech to them. Sidetrack here for a second: how great would it have been if Biden was Clinton’s VP, with Gingrich up there to boot? You KNOW they’d be ogling every decent looking chick in the audience. “What’s her “reputable singles site” handle?” “Oh you got it! Sweet! IM it to me!” Yeah, I miss the Clinton years sometimes.
* OK let’s do this.
Right off the bat, he begins with a lie of epic proportions, that he “ended the Iraq war”. No sir, you did not. OK, technically you did ... but the “end” of the war was locked into place BEFORE YOU SOUGHT THE NOMINATION, let alone won the office.
And while I’m at it ... look it, you will find no bigger basher of W than me, but to not credit his predecessor in ANY way, shape or form last night, was DISGRACEFUL. Even President Clinton to this day credits his predecessor, George H. W. Bush, for getting the economic recovery underway with the 1990 budget, and Clinton never fails to credit his successor when the occasion calls for it. And NOBODY will ever accuse President Clinton of operating with “class” or “dignity” or “integrity”. Barry not pointing out that we achieved success in Iraq because W refused to allow us to fail, and doubled down with General Petraeus, is a disgrace that I wish SOMEONE besides me would call him on.
* “For the first time in two decades, osama bin ladin is not a threat to this country”. I don’t know what angered me more – that Republicans REFUSED as one to stand up and give this line the applause line of the night ... or that Obama thought so little of the achievement that the ONLY major reference of it was in the second paragraph of his speech? Either way, its tasteless.
* Obama fudging the job numbers. Correctly notes that we lost 4 million jobs in 2008, another 4 million in 2009. But hey, we created 3 million since then!
Uuh, Barry? That’s a NEGATIVE five million! Which, if you exchange “million” for “trillion”, is the EXACT amount of money you’ve run up in national debt to “accomplish” that! Christ, what an idiot.
* I get that my side (stupidly) strongly backs union labor ... but who in God’s name thinks resurrecting long-gone manufacturing jobs is going to solve our economic crisis? Well Obama does, for one, which is example 1,938,563,684 why he’s the most incompetent boob to ever hold the Oval Office. La de f*cking da, that Master Lock is “restoring manufacturing jobs”. Manufacturing is a DYING industry. ANY company that invests in it is as mentally retarded as Peter’s horse on “Family Guy”. That, or they’re searching desperately for a tax write-off via operating losses.
* One thing I will praise the President on: it is OUTRAGEOUS that companies that operate in America can shift jobs and profits overseas to “save” money. OUTRAGEOUS. Set aside the tax implications – its OUTRAGEOUS from a patriotic standpoint.
One thing I wish President Obama would do is NAME these piece of shit corporations, OUT THEM, SHAME THEM into doing the right thing by their country. I know Barry won’t do it, because any corporation is a potential donor after all. But he SHOULD.
If, you know, he gave a damn about the present or the future of the country.
* One thing I did like about the speech last night – the CONSTANT gambling references! “We bet on”, “we rolled the dice on”, “we doubled down on”. Yes. Like Meg Ryan said in “Sleepless in Seattle”, “YES! YES!! YES!!!!!”
* I actually strongly support Obama’s idea to link corporations to community colleges for job retraining. This is a very good idea. Too bad Barry will refuse to allow any non-union company to take advantage of it, or any conservatively run company.
* Hate, hate, HATE the “keep kids in school mandatorily until they’re 18” idea. Who does Barry think he is, Chairman Obama? Oh. Wait. (Well, it is a legitimate question.) No. This is an IDIOTIC idea. We live in America. If you want to piss your life away by dropping out of high school, you have the right to do so! Or, if like a good friend of mine, you decide high school is worthless, so you take the tests to graduate early and move on to college, GREAT! Age is just a number. Some 16 year olds are ready for what lies after high school, just like some 37 year olds act like some 35 years younger than them. What can I say, shit happens.
* Obama claiming to take on illegal immigration is almost as laughable as me taking on alcoholism. And I’ll leave it at that.
Well no, I won’t, because most everything he supported last night to address the problem I agree with, not the least of which is education for children of illegals ... but seriously Barry? You’re “dealing” with illegal immgration? How’s that “Fast and Furious” gun trade program working out?
* OK, I agree with investing in newer “green” energies, and I STRONGLY support ending ANY and ALL federal subsidies for oil and gas exploration ... but really Barack? You’re doubling down on Solyndra? That’s priceless.
* And wait – we can now explore / build / create “new green energies” on national land ... YET WE CAN’T DRILL IN ANWR?!?!?!?!?! My head hurts. ANWR is a sheet of ice that NOONE lives in, will NEVER live in, and that offers up to 140 million barrels of oil a day to be delivered. Yet we CAN’T drill there, but CAN create massive wind turbines in Yellowstone National Park?!?!?!?!?!?!
Then again, given that Obama just refused the Keystone Pipeline, which only would have sent billions of barrels of oil to the United States, created thousands of new jobs, all at NO COST to us? I’d expect nothing less from the biggest fraud to ever call 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue home.
* I’m fine with letting people refinance their homes. You get no sympathy for greedy bankers from me. I live in a part of town DEVASTATED by people simply trying to live the dream, only to see it implode on them when shitty loans and a crappy job market blew up in their face. You get NO sympathy for lending institutions from me.
* Obama claiming to reign in regulation is almost as hysterical as me claiming “50+!!!” partners on “reputable singles site”. Come on. Nobody’s buying it Barry. NOBODY.
* The tax hike Barry wants to prevent? Is the expiration of the repeal on the payroll tax. The payroll tax? FUNDS SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE!!! I swear to Christ, this man drives me bat shit crazy. How can you be SERIOUS about reforming entitlements when you DON’T WANT TO FUND THEM?!?!
I said this a year ago, and I stand behind it even more strongly today: Barack Obama has SINGLE HANDEDLY ensured the Democrats will not win the White House again until I am 55 ... and won’t hold a house of Congress after 2012 until at least 2020. He’s WORSE than Jimmy Carter (who screwed the Dems for 12 years, and if Clinton hadn’t been in the perfect place at the perfect time, would have for 28 years).
* This Buffett tax crap is just that – CRAP. Buffett (and Mitt Romney) make ALL their income off investments. Investments are taxed at 15% because ONLY RETIREES TEND TO LIVE OFF INVESTMENT INCOME!!! So to screw Warren Buffett or Mitt Romney, you want to screw MILLIONS of other Americans as a result?
Christ, does ANYONE in the Obama regime understand Basic Living 101? Look it, in the interest of full disclosure, I STRONGLY favor a national flat tax, in which ALL income is taxed at the same percentage, REGARDLESS of income. I think 15% is a fair percentage. If you earn 15,000, you pay 2,250. If you earn 60,000? You pay 7,500. If you earn a million? You pay 150,000. Its the way to go (along with a national VAT or sales tax). But until we reach that point, degrading people who PLAY BY THE RULES is PATHETIC. It is DISGRACEFUL. As was nearly 99% of Obama’s speech last night.
* “I’m a Democrat. But I believe what Republican Abraham Lincoln said. That government should only do for people what they cannot do better by themselves, and no more”. Yes, the President actually said that last night. Hang on, I’ll give you 90 some odd seconds to laugh your ass off at the utter ridiculousness of a socialist saying “government should stay out of your life”.
(cue “longest “jeopardy” theme song music theme ever ...)
Oh wait, it gets better! He “doubles down” on the previous sentence!
“The point is, we should all want a smaller, more effective government”. Really! Since when Mr. President? Since when?
* When earlier I noted he DIDN’T note his predecessor’s role in winning in Iraq, killing bin ladin, gaining international support opposing Iran, and inciting the wave of freedom currently engulfing the Middle East? I stand corrected! Barry DID mention them, by noting:
“One of my proudest possessions is the flag the SEAL team took with them on the mission to get bin ladin. On it are each of their names. Some may be Democrats. Some may be Republicans. But that doesn’t matter. Just like it didn’t matter the day I sat in the Situation Room, when I sat next to Bob Gates – a man who was George Bush’s defense secretary – and Hillary Clinton, a woman who ran against me for President”.
Well, how conciliatory and classy, Mr. President. They aren’t YOUR Defense and State Secretaries ... they’re “George Bush’s” and the “woman who ran against me”.
This isn’t my biggest bitch about Obama, but it’s close: God forbid you credit those who went before you! It’s ok to admit you aren’t the greatest bag of potato chips to ever be picked off the shelf, Barry. The American public (correctly) recognizes the AMAZING thing you authorized AND accomplished in killing osama bin ladin! Cue up any clip on Youtube!, especially the Phillies / Mets game that night, when (most of us) found out about the kill because 50,000 baseball fans start screaming “USA! USA! USA!” for ten straight minutes during a baseball game. We get it.
Having said that ... one thing I will eternally credit W for ... is that he NEVER blamed who came before him, and CONSTANTLY praised his predecessors when they earned it. He bit the bullet, and shared the credit. THAT’S what a leader is, sir. You? Are ANYTHING but that.
* “As long as we’re joined together in common purpose, as long as we maintain our common resolve, our journey moves forward, our future, is hopeful, and the State of our Union will only be strong. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America!”
At least he ended well.
Last night? Is why the Republicans are winning a potential 45 states and the District landslide in November. Because NO sane person bought a word that Barry said last night.
And more specifically, its about what he DIDN’T say. Namely ... if you pass through the Congress THE most landscape-changing piece of legislation of most Americans lifetimes, and you don’t give it more than a throw-away line halfway through the speech?
Then WHY ARE YOU RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION?
Whatever you think of the Health Care Affordability Act ... it is THE most significant act to pass the Congress since the Civil Rights Act of 1965. And Obama simply gives it a throw away line.
(For what its worth, I agree with 85 some odd percent of the act. Its DEFINITELY a step in the RIGHT direction, capitalization of RIGHT (pun) intended.)
Which is why last night’s speech was so tasteless. Obama refused to take credit for his domestic successes. He stole credit for his foreign policy successes (of which he has MANY) from his predecessor, from his 2008 rival, and from the brave men and women who made his achievements possible.
And most damning of all, he’s rushing full speed ahead into the torpedo that Mitt Romney represents. I’m not a huge Romney fan – again, I back Gingrich.
But after three offical State of the Union addresses (and one unofficial) ... I find myself in the same exact spot I was four years ago at this time. And that spot is a two fold question:
1. Why would ANY sane person back this empty suit? And ...
2. Is there ANYONE in the Republican Party capable of beating this guy?
I have no answer for question 1. I FEAR I have no answer for question 2 ...
------------------------------------
If President Obama was going to use a Lincoln reference in last night’s embarrassing, pathetic, vomit-inducing State of the Union speech, that’s the Lincoln reference he should have used.
I sat like a slack-jawed yokel for at least 55 of the approximately 70 minutes the President took up last night, amazed at his incredible ability to simply ignore reality and lie to the masses. Honestly, Bill Clinton had to be somewhere with the same slack-jawed yokel look on his face. “Really? They attempt to impeach me for lying less brazenly than this guy did?!?!” If I wasn’t a political junkie, I probably would have turned the channel. Instead, I dealt with the absolute horseshit on my television screen in true Stevo-style: I cracked open a Budweiser ... then threw the empty can across the room at the flat screen.
Sadly for the President, the can(s) failed to destroy my TV, so I won’t be contributing to this “economic recovery” tonight via a new electronics purchase. But I am putting my $.02 out there, via my thoughts on the most disgraceful Presidential address ever delivered to a joint session of Congress.
And that’s CHANGE YOU CAN BELIEVE IN BABY!!! (rimshot!!!)
Here then are a few random thoughts I have regarding what hopefully is the rock-bottom moment of the most wasted administration in history ...
* I watched MSNBC leading up to the speech, because (a) despite my feelings about this asshat currently occupying the Oval Office, I still believe in “the cause” (aka “I’m a liberal”), and (b) Chris Matthews is every bit as unhinged about this administration as I am. Again, you can fool some people, and most people, but not all people. Anyone with a functioning brain and a IQ level of over 35 saw this trainwreck of an administration coming four f*cking years ago. It’s why we backed Hillary, and voted McCain, no matter which side of the aisle you reside on politically. If you were a Democrat? McCain was an acceptable alternative, someone who wouldn’t embarrass himself or his nation, or make you think “sweet Jesus, I need to make sure my passport is current, its time to move to Mexico!!!” And if you were a Republican? The same applied to Hillary.
Last night? Was EXACTLY why we felt the way we did in 2008. Because the ONLY achievements this President has to tout? Are all related to foreign policy. Who runs his foreign policy? Hillary. (And Leon Panetta, a loyal Hillary supporter and Clinton administration staffer). What does it say that the ONLY thing you can justify your re-election on, is what your primary rival has done for you?
* Also, I watch MSNBC ... because the other hosts are ready to lynch Reverend Al. The hatred they all have for him is hysterical. Lawrence O’Donnell doesn’t even bother with the “Reverend” anymore, he just derisively calls him “Al”, or sarcastically calls him “Sharpy”. Ed Schultz looked ready to reach across two anchors and a desk and strangle Reverend Al. And poor Rachel Maddow. In the interest of full disclosure, I love Rachel Maddow. But not even she can referee this trainwreck of a broadcast.
(My way of saying: only seven months to the conventions!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!)
* There were a few highlights on the night, as embarrassing as the spectacle was, and the first one I know MSNBC caught. (I didn’t flip down to CNN, CSPAN, or Faux News ... excuse me, FOX News, even once. I did switch to ABC once the speech began, because they’re pretty much the last unbiased network left on our airwaves.) And the first highlight was when Rep. Giffords took her seat on near the front of the chamber. Both sides of the aisle stood and applauded as one ... and in a sincere display of class, dignity, and bi-partisanship, Majority Leader Cantor walked over and extended warm greetings to Rep. Giffords. There’s a time and a place to have your differences. This wasn’t one of them, and kudos to Rep. Cantor for his class.
* Not sure whose fake tan was worse, Vice President Biden or Speaker Boehner. They both clearly went for the spray-on.
* The second highlight: when the House Speaker at Arms introduced the President. I don’t care who the President is, and God knows I haven’t cared for anyone we’ve elected in this century ... that moment gives me chills, because for however long it takes for the President to meet-n-greet and reach the podium, and then the Speaker officially introduces said President to the assembled, it’s America at it’s finest – every elected and appointed officer of government in the House giving the President the respect he is deserved. That moment never fails to uplift me.
* Cheap intended campaign stunt that didn’t bother me: the President spending a few moments with Rep. Giffords. It looked genuine. And I believe that it was. Whatever I may think of this President, and I don’t think much of him, he is a decent person, and he deserves respect for that. (Funny, I used to type that EXACT SAME SENTENCE about the man who preceded him in the office.)
* I’d love to have known what Obama and Boehner and Biden were chuckling about as Obama delivered the printed copies of the speech to them. Sidetrack here for a second: how great would it have been if Biden was Clinton’s VP, with Gingrich up there to boot? You KNOW they’d be ogling every decent looking chick in the audience. “What’s her “reputable singles site” handle?” “Oh you got it! Sweet! IM it to me!” Yeah, I miss the Clinton years sometimes.
* OK let’s do this.
Right off the bat, he begins with a lie of epic proportions, that he “ended the Iraq war”. No sir, you did not. OK, technically you did ... but the “end” of the war was locked into place BEFORE YOU SOUGHT THE NOMINATION, let alone won the office.
And while I’m at it ... look it, you will find no bigger basher of W than me, but to not credit his predecessor in ANY way, shape or form last night, was DISGRACEFUL. Even President Clinton to this day credits his predecessor, George H. W. Bush, for getting the economic recovery underway with the 1990 budget, and Clinton never fails to credit his successor when the occasion calls for it. And NOBODY will ever accuse President Clinton of operating with “class” or “dignity” or “integrity”. Barry not pointing out that we achieved success in Iraq because W refused to allow us to fail, and doubled down with General Petraeus, is a disgrace that I wish SOMEONE besides me would call him on.
* “For the first time in two decades, osama bin ladin is not a threat to this country”. I don’t know what angered me more – that Republicans REFUSED as one to stand up and give this line the applause line of the night ... or that Obama thought so little of the achievement that the ONLY major reference of it was in the second paragraph of his speech? Either way, its tasteless.
* Obama fudging the job numbers. Correctly notes that we lost 4 million jobs in 2008, another 4 million in 2009. But hey, we created 3 million since then!
Uuh, Barry? That’s a NEGATIVE five million! Which, if you exchange “million” for “trillion”, is the EXACT amount of money you’ve run up in national debt to “accomplish” that! Christ, what an idiot.
* I get that my side (stupidly) strongly backs union labor ... but who in God’s name thinks resurrecting long-gone manufacturing jobs is going to solve our economic crisis? Well Obama does, for one, which is example 1,938,563,684 why he’s the most incompetent boob to ever hold the Oval Office. La de f*cking da, that Master Lock is “restoring manufacturing jobs”. Manufacturing is a DYING industry. ANY company that invests in it is as mentally retarded as Peter’s horse on “Family Guy”. That, or they’re searching desperately for a tax write-off via operating losses.
* One thing I will praise the President on: it is OUTRAGEOUS that companies that operate in America can shift jobs and profits overseas to “save” money. OUTRAGEOUS. Set aside the tax implications – its OUTRAGEOUS from a patriotic standpoint.
One thing I wish President Obama would do is NAME these piece of shit corporations, OUT THEM, SHAME THEM into doing the right thing by their country. I know Barry won’t do it, because any corporation is a potential donor after all. But he SHOULD.
If, you know, he gave a damn about the present or the future of the country.
* One thing I did like about the speech last night – the CONSTANT gambling references! “We bet on”, “we rolled the dice on”, “we doubled down on”. Yes. Like Meg Ryan said in “Sleepless in Seattle”, “YES! YES!! YES!!!!!”
* I actually strongly support Obama’s idea to link corporations to community colleges for job retraining. This is a very good idea. Too bad Barry will refuse to allow any non-union company to take advantage of it, or any conservatively run company.
* Hate, hate, HATE the “keep kids in school mandatorily until they’re 18” idea. Who does Barry think he is, Chairman Obama? Oh. Wait. (Well, it is a legitimate question.) No. This is an IDIOTIC idea. We live in America. If you want to piss your life away by dropping out of high school, you have the right to do so! Or, if like a good friend of mine, you decide high school is worthless, so you take the tests to graduate early and move on to college, GREAT! Age is just a number. Some 16 year olds are ready for what lies after high school, just like some 37 year olds act like some 35 years younger than them. What can I say, shit happens.
* Obama claiming to take on illegal immigration is almost as laughable as me taking on alcoholism. And I’ll leave it at that.
Well no, I won’t, because most everything he supported last night to address the problem I agree with, not the least of which is education for children of illegals ... but seriously Barry? You’re “dealing” with illegal immgration? How’s that “Fast and Furious” gun trade program working out?
* OK, I agree with investing in newer “green” energies, and I STRONGLY support ending ANY and ALL federal subsidies for oil and gas exploration ... but really Barack? You’re doubling down on Solyndra? That’s priceless.
* And wait – we can now explore / build / create “new green energies” on national land ... YET WE CAN’T DRILL IN ANWR?!?!?!?!?! My head hurts. ANWR is a sheet of ice that NOONE lives in, will NEVER live in, and that offers up to 140 million barrels of oil a day to be delivered. Yet we CAN’T drill there, but CAN create massive wind turbines in Yellowstone National Park?!?!?!?!?!?!
Then again, given that Obama just refused the Keystone Pipeline, which only would have sent billions of barrels of oil to the United States, created thousands of new jobs, all at NO COST to us? I’d expect nothing less from the biggest fraud to ever call 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue home.
* I’m fine with letting people refinance their homes. You get no sympathy for greedy bankers from me. I live in a part of town DEVASTATED by people simply trying to live the dream, only to see it implode on them when shitty loans and a crappy job market blew up in their face. You get NO sympathy for lending institutions from me.
* Obama claiming to reign in regulation is almost as hysterical as me claiming “50+!!!” partners on “reputable singles site”. Come on. Nobody’s buying it Barry. NOBODY.
* The tax hike Barry wants to prevent? Is the expiration of the repeal on the payroll tax. The payroll tax? FUNDS SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE!!! I swear to Christ, this man drives me bat shit crazy. How can you be SERIOUS about reforming entitlements when you DON’T WANT TO FUND THEM?!?!
I said this a year ago, and I stand behind it even more strongly today: Barack Obama has SINGLE HANDEDLY ensured the Democrats will not win the White House again until I am 55 ... and won’t hold a house of Congress after 2012 until at least 2020. He’s WORSE than Jimmy Carter (who screwed the Dems for 12 years, and if Clinton hadn’t been in the perfect place at the perfect time, would have for 28 years).
* This Buffett tax crap is just that – CRAP. Buffett (and Mitt Romney) make ALL their income off investments. Investments are taxed at 15% because ONLY RETIREES TEND TO LIVE OFF INVESTMENT INCOME!!! So to screw Warren Buffett or Mitt Romney, you want to screw MILLIONS of other Americans as a result?
Christ, does ANYONE in the Obama regime understand Basic Living 101? Look it, in the interest of full disclosure, I STRONGLY favor a national flat tax, in which ALL income is taxed at the same percentage, REGARDLESS of income. I think 15% is a fair percentage. If you earn 15,000, you pay 2,250. If you earn 60,000? You pay 7,500. If you earn a million? You pay 150,000. Its the way to go (along with a national VAT or sales tax). But until we reach that point, degrading people who PLAY BY THE RULES is PATHETIC. It is DISGRACEFUL. As was nearly 99% of Obama’s speech last night.
* “I’m a Democrat. But I believe what Republican Abraham Lincoln said. That government should only do for people what they cannot do better by themselves, and no more”. Yes, the President actually said that last night. Hang on, I’ll give you 90 some odd seconds to laugh your ass off at the utter ridiculousness of a socialist saying “government should stay out of your life”.
(cue “longest “jeopardy” theme song music theme ever ...)
Oh wait, it gets better! He “doubles down” on the previous sentence!
“The point is, we should all want a smaller, more effective government”. Really! Since when Mr. President? Since when?
* When earlier I noted he DIDN’T note his predecessor’s role in winning in Iraq, killing bin ladin, gaining international support opposing Iran, and inciting the wave of freedom currently engulfing the Middle East? I stand corrected! Barry DID mention them, by noting:
“One of my proudest possessions is the flag the SEAL team took with them on the mission to get bin ladin. On it are each of their names. Some may be Democrats. Some may be Republicans. But that doesn’t matter. Just like it didn’t matter the day I sat in the Situation Room, when I sat next to Bob Gates – a man who was George Bush’s defense secretary – and Hillary Clinton, a woman who ran against me for President”.
Well, how conciliatory and classy, Mr. President. They aren’t YOUR Defense and State Secretaries ... they’re “George Bush’s” and the “woman who ran against me”.
This isn’t my biggest bitch about Obama, but it’s close: God forbid you credit those who went before you! It’s ok to admit you aren’t the greatest bag of potato chips to ever be picked off the shelf, Barry. The American public (correctly) recognizes the AMAZING thing you authorized AND accomplished in killing osama bin ladin! Cue up any clip on Youtube!, especially the Phillies / Mets game that night, when (most of us) found out about the kill because 50,000 baseball fans start screaming “USA! USA! USA!” for ten straight minutes during a baseball game. We get it.
Having said that ... one thing I will eternally credit W for ... is that he NEVER blamed who came before him, and CONSTANTLY praised his predecessors when they earned it. He bit the bullet, and shared the credit. THAT’S what a leader is, sir. You? Are ANYTHING but that.
* “As long as we’re joined together in common purpose, as long as we maintain our common resolve, our journey moves forward, our future, is hopeful, and the State of our Union will only be strong. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America!”
At least he ended well.
Last night? Is why the Republicans are winning a potential 45 states and the District landslide in November. Because NO sane person bought a word that Barry said last night.
And more specifically, its about what he DIDN’T say. Namely ... if you pass through the Congress THE most landscape-changing piece of legislation of most Americans lifetimes, and you don’t give it more than a throw-away line halfway through the speech?
Then WHY ARE YOU RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION?
Whatever you think of the Health Care Affordability Act ... it is THE most significant act to pass the Congress since the Civil Rights Act of 1965. And Obama simply gives it a throw away line.
(For what its worth, I agree with 85 some odd percent of the act. Its DEFINITELY a step in the RIGHT direction, capitalization of RIGHT (pun) intended.)
Which is why last night’s speech was so tasteless. Obama refused to take credit for his domestic successes. He stole credit for his foreign policy successes (of which he has MANY) from his predecessor, from his 2008 rival, and from the brave men and women who made his achievements possible.
And most damning of all, he’s rushing full speed ahead into the torpedo that Mitt Romney represents. I’m not a huge Romney fan – again, I back Gingrich.
But after three offical State of the Union addresses (and one unofficial) ... I find myself in the same exact spot I was four years ago at this time. And that spot is a two fold question:
1. Why would ANY sane person back this empty suit? And ...
2. Is there ANYONE in the Republican Party capable of beating this guy?
I have no answer for question 1. I FEAR I have no answer for question 2 ...
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