Thursday, November 16, 2017

week eleven: a king will be born, sort of ...

“The first noel
The angels did say?
Was to certain poor shepherds,
In fields where they lay.

In fields where they
Lay keeping their sheep,
On a cold winter’s night
That was so deep.

Noel!  Noel!  Noel!  Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!
Noel!  Noel!  Noel!  Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!

They looked up,
And saw a star!
Shining in the east,
Beyond and far!

And to the Earth?
It gave great light!
And so it continued,
Both day and night!

Noel!  Noel!  Noel!  Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!
Noel!  Noel!  Noel!  Noel!
Born is the King of Israel! …”

-- “The First Noel”.  

--------------------

Last Week SU: 6-8-0.
Season to Date SU: 88-57-0.

Last Week ATS: 7-6-1.
Season to Date ATS: 82-58-5.

Last Week Upset / Week: so close.
Season to Date Upset / Week: 4-6 SU; 6-4 ATS.
This Week’s Upset / Week: Packers (+2) over Ravens.

The Non-Chiefs Predictions:

* Byes: Jets, Panthers, Colts, 49ers. 

* Titans (+7) 31, at Steelers 14.  Ooh!  A potential Divisional Round preview!  On a Thursday to boot! 

* Lions (-3) 38, at Bears 17.  I’ll go there: is next week’s Vikings at Lions showdown on Thanksgiving the biggest game on that holiday the Lions have hosted since the Rasputin Era?  Also, Webster Game O’ The Week honors.

* at Dolphins (-1 ½) 16, Bucs 6.  God bless, how ugly.  Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week honors.

* at Packers (+2) 24, Ravens 14.  This line makes zero sense to me.  Which means it’s probably right.  But still, you betting Joe Flacco on the road in Lambeau?  Because I’m not.  Also, Designing Women Game O’ The Week honors.

* at Vikings (-2 ½) 30, Rams 20.  God bless, another potential Divisional Round matchup eight weeks early.  Good job NFL Schedule Dude or Dudette!

* at Texans (+1 1/2) 20, "Super" Cardinals 10.  Gabbert!  Savage!  Albert!  Barber!  ONLY ... on FOX!  Seriously, how are Joe Buck and Troy Aikman not calling this one!

Also, it's been a few weeks ...


“Good Times!  Anytime you need a payment?
Good Times!  Anytime you need a friend?
Good Times!  Anytime you’re out from under?
Not getting hassled!  Not getting hustled!

Keepin’ yo’ head above water!
Makin’ a wave when you can!

Temporary layoffs?  Good Times!
Easy credit ripoffs?  Good Times!
Scratchin’ and survivin’?  Good Times!
Hangin’ in a chow line?  Good Times!

Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em?
(Na Na Na Na Na) Good Times!!!!!!!!!!!! …”

* at Browns (+7) 24, Jaguars 13.  Oof.  Empty Nest Game O’ The Week honors.

* at Saints 31, Redskins (+7 ½) 30.  I am not sold on this straight up pick.  At all.  The Redskins are more than capable of winning this game.  Given the state of the NFC (namely, ten teams are above .500 right now), in the words of Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Color Commentator (Emeritus), Dan Dierdorf, “it would behoove the Redskins to win this game”.  Also, it’s been thirty years of passionately following this sport … and I still have no damned clue what “behoove” means.

* at “Super” Chargers (-4 ½) 27, Bills 17.  For any Bills fans reading this who think panic-switching quarterbacks while you’re currently occupying a playoff position is a good thing, I refer you to the 1996 Kansas City Chiefs.  There’s stupid, there’s dumb f*ck stupid, and then there’s “benching a playoff caliber quarterback over one bad home loss to a damned good team” stupid.

* raiders (+6 ½) 38, Patriots 27 (Game in Mexico City).  Speaking of teams it would behoove to win, your oakland raiders everyone!  Also, and I ask this with all due sincerity: no Wayne Newton at the ceremonial first dig for the raiders new joint?  Seriously?  How the hell can you break ground in Vegas and NOT have Wayne Newton with a shovel in his hand?  Just a part of the crowd?  That’s some shady, shady planning, mark.  Shady, shady planning.

* Bengals (+2 ½) 45, at those people 6.  Ladies and gentlemen, let’s check in with those people’s DE and all around classless jacka** derek wolfe, on the state of those people following their latest humiliating outing!

“It’s like we’re a whole new (bleep) team.  It is embarrassing.  I am tired of being embarrassed.”

Yes!  Go on, sir!  This sounds great!  Tell us how you really feel, mr. wolfe!

“I don’t know man.  It’s real sad.”

You say sad, I say "damn, that nut was so powerful I just broke the damned condom" joy.  Splitting hairs, I’m sure!  But just to make sure, let’s get the money shot of mr. wolfe’s thoughts on his team:

“It’s sad we went from being a championship-caliber team to a team that stinks and nobody respects us.”

God, that statement is just … I need a cigarette and a shower after reading that!  Hang on, that was so great, let’s read it again:

“It’s sad we went from being a championship-caliber team to a team that stinks and nobody respects us.”

Well, to be fair, you haven’t lost anyone’s respect, derek.  You can’t lose what you never had.  But as for you feeling sad?  As for your team stinking?

(justin timberlake voice) Cry me a river. 

I mean seriously.  When (arguably) the second best player on the roster is whining like a toddler in the post-game?  That is a those people squad I can get behind!

If 1997 was “for john”, and 2015 was “for pat”?  Then 2017 is definitely “for Stevo”!

I have to be honest: I haven’t enjoyed a once-proud franchise collapsing this far and this fast since “Sur” William Callahan and “Surrender” Steve Pederson were turning Nebraska Football into a national joke ten years ago. 

Because just like with “Sur” William and his Huskers, this just gets better every week.  Just when you think those people cannot possibly sink lower into the sewer, they hold their breath and dive down into the stench even deeper!

Or, as mr. wolfe would refer to it as, "stink", not stench.  My apologies.

Consider:

* those people have now lost five straight.  The last time those people lost five straight?  I had no clue, so I had to go look it up.  Your answer?  2010.  The Glorious Josh McDaniels Era that frankly never should have had the plug pulled on it. 

The last time before that?  1990.  Needless to say, the 2017 version of those people makes me so, so happy.

* the only team the Giants have defeated in the last 318 calendar days?  (sarah palin voice) You betcha – those people!

* the closest those people have come to a win since September?  They lost by ten at Arrowhead.  And even that’s deceiving – it took a touchdown with less than two minutes to play, to get it that close.

* they are 0-5 since the bye.  They’re like the Bizarro “Fat” Andy Reid – they’re incapable of winning after a week off.

* they were shut out by the “Super” Chargers.  Let that sink in.  A team with no home field advantage whatsoever, shut them out.  Also

* that was the first time those people were shut out since 1992.  Yes, the last time those people were shut out, dan reeves was switching shawn moore and tommy maddox out every snap under center.  (Note: that really did happen.  How dumb f*ck stupid do you have to be to swap QBs every play?  Those people everyone!!!!)

* they gave up so many points in Philly (51), that the stadium literally ran out of fireworks to shoot off after the Eagles scored.  Now that’s sad, derek.  That’s what sad, is right there.  When you can’t even drop the BOOM!, to go with the dynamite.

* their special teams gaffes cost them 20 points Sunday night – in the first half alone!  They muffed a punt return for a touchdown.  They had a punt blocked for a touchdown.  They gave up a kick return for a touchdown.  And oh yeah, they opened the second half by having twelve men on the field as the Patriots prepared to punt.  (fred willard in “roseanne” voice * ) Wait – aren’t you a busty twenty year old blonde?  Whoops!  My mistake!

And as if all of that isn’t a b*tch slap of insult enough?

* you can make a credible argument the best quarterback in the building … is their 57 year old general manager. 

Your 2017 those people everyone!  (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I should note, I am 94% certain I’m going to fake mile high on New Year’s Eve.  If only to witness what a team that “stinks”, smells like in person … for a second time in two months!  Well that, and the Captain Oats in the room.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Of COURSE I'm referring to a herbal product that is legal in Colorado, and has a distinctive odor!)

* Eagles (-3) 31, at Cowboys 21.  Most NFL fans would argue that over the last twenty, twenty five years, the two best divisions in football are the NFC East and AFC West.  (An argument I agree with.)  Both of those divisions could for all intents and purposes be wrapped up by Thanksgiving this year.  Unreal.

* “Shane” Falcons (+3) 34, at Seahawks 24.  The winner of this one can exhale a bit when it comes to playoff positioning.  The loser is in a world of trouble, to still be playing come January 1st.

(*: nobody is more fired up in anticipation of the “Roseanne” reboot than me.  And I mean nobody.  Also, that quote from Fred Willard occurs in the opening scene from the Season Eight episode "December Bride", and trust me, it's f*cking hysterical.  (The episode is available for free if you are an Amazon Prime subscriber.  If you aren't and want to check it out, hit me up; I'll give you my login.  Just promise not to spend whatever available Prime Credit balance I have, and we'll call it even.)

The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

Some weeks?

This sh*t writes itself: 


  
Aw hell, I can't pass this up.

Seriously, Ol' Klassy?  Seriously?  

I mean, this "family man" commenting on men in positions of power (allegedly) taking advantage of women seeking career advancement, is just ... I mean ... what part of (allegedly) hearing "you may pull your pants up now" are you conveniently erasing from everyone's collective memory from (allegedly) seventeen years ago?!?!?!?!

In the word of Peter Griffin: "Cracked?"

The Tailgating Plans:

There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is (probably) the last Chiefs game this season I will not attend in person.

The Watching Party Plans:

I’ll be at the Second Parents with our tailgating group.  Given the forecast for our lovely metropolitan area (as of today) is 42 and cloudy at kickoff, I’m guessing we won’t be on The Deck.  Still, anyone and everyone who wants in, is always going to be welcomed and wanted.  Hope to see ya.

“Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” Update:

In all its’ … uuh, glory?


(image credit: me, via my iPhone 8 whatever the hell model it is.)

It's majestic, isn't it?  I love me my "Disreputable Mexican Food Truck"!  

The Chiefs Prognostication:

The Chiefs open my favorite stretch of the year as a stunning 11 point favorite at Fake Giants Stadium against the woeful, uuh, Giants.  And you can read one of two things into this game.

(OK, maybe more than two, but work with me here.)

Either ...

a. The Giants humiliate the Chiefs, by either outright beating them, or keeping the score close enough to cover from the outset, or

b. The Chiefs beat the government mule out of the Giants, to a tune so brutal, that the "savior" we have been promised, sees his first regular season action.

And I have to admit ... while (a) is certainly in play?

(b) terrifies me.

--------------------

First off, welcome to Chrismukkah!  I freely admit, 98.45% of my life is a complete dumpster fire the likes of which ... well, only the Giants Football team could appreciate.  But the beauty of these six weeks?

Is that there's always redemption possible.

Even when you doubt it?  (And trust me -- I have.  Many, many, many, many, many, many times.)  But even when you doubt it?

God still gives a sh*t.  About you.  And somehow, about me.

(Pause).  Yeah, back to football.

--------------------

I firmly believe (b) is going to happen Sunday.  I think the Chiefs are going to take the Giants to the woodshed, pull their proverbial pants down, and give them the proverbial business like few teams (or "family man sports talk show hosts") ever have.

And that's why I have a slight reservation about Sunday.

Because I expect "the king to be born".  I fully expect Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs" is going to see significant second half playing time.

(For reference, the largest halftime lead I can ever recall the Chiefs having, was 35-0 against your Arizona "Super" Cardinals in 2002 ... and hell yes, it was Thanksgiving Weekend when that game went down.  I think Sunday?  Might be worse for the Chiefs opposition.)

What if Mr. Mahomes rocks the joint?  What if he drops a 15/20, 150 yards, 2 TD / 0 INT performance, like Dick Gannon did in 1996 ... and 1997, in relief of the starter (be it Mr. Bono or Mr. Grbac)?  

Are we ready for a quarterback controversy?  

(And like it or not, between 610 and 810 needing to fill the airwaves with what passes as "quality commentary", you'd get one.)

A quarterback controversy destroyed the 1996 Chiefs -- a team picked by Sports Illustrated to win the Super Bowl.  (They missed the playoffs on tiebreakers.)  A quarterback controversy destroyed the best Chiefs team of my lifetime a year later -- Grbac or Gannon.

Both controversies started?

Four days before Thanksgiving.

Which is when the Chiefs play, Sunday.

(Gulp.)

--------------------

In my bedroom, I have a collage that grows as needed, for Mr. Mahomes.  In case you doubt me?


(image credit: me, via my iPhone 8 whatever the hell model it is.  The two pages from The Star are from their NFL Preview back in August.  The football with "good" written, my nephew made for me.  The two ticket stubs are mine, from the two preseason games Mr. Mahomes played in -- the last one of which, he started.  (Update: my bad.  One is from the Draft Party when he was picked; the other is from his start vs Titans to close August out.)  And the two pictures on the right, I took via my whatever the hell digital camera I bought for Puerto Rico, is, on the night he started against the Titans to close the preseason down.  It's a Kodak something, I know that.)

Still doubt my allegiance to Mr. Mahomes?  Then try this one on.

The hat I wear into Arrowhead?  

Mahomes.


(image credit: me, via my iPhone 8 whatever the hell model it is.  Also, flannel sheets when it's 36 f*cking degrees out, rule.  Don't you dare mock them, Stevo Nation.)

-------------------

I think the Chiefs win an absolute ass-kicking of Biblical proportions on Sunday.  This is going to be an annihilation.  

For the record, I think the Chiefs will lose once more this year: I think the raiders are going to upset us.  (I also don't think it will matter -- the Chiefs will clinch the AFC West on Christmas Eve, against the Dolphins.  I also think the Chiefs, Steelers, and Patriots all go 12-4 ... and I refuse to try to figure out who gets home field in that clusterf*ck, especially if a 12-4 Jags or Titans team weasels its way into the conversation as well.)

This is the team we've waited for, Chiefs fans.  We've waited generations for this.  (Well, at least three of them.)

* Chiefs (-11) 56, at Giants 10.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

the week ten picks

Last Week SU: 7-6-0.
Season to Date SU: 82-49-0.

Last Week ATS: 7-6-0.
Season to Date ATS: 75-52-4.

Last Week Upset / Week: whoops.
Season to Date Upset / Week: 4-5 SU; 5-4 ATS.
This Week's Upset / Week: Colts (+10) over Steelers.

The Non-Jets Predictions:

* Byes: Chiefs, raiders, Eagles, Ravens.

* at “Super” Cardinals (+6) 24, Seahawks 20.  This, for all intents and purposes, is your Arizona “Super” Cardinals season.  If they win tonight, they get to 5-4, and this is their closing seven: at Texans / vs Jags / vs Rams / vs Titans / at Redskins / vs Giants / at Seahawks.  They win tonight, this could be your “how the hell did they win ten games and steal the six seed” team in the NFC.

* at Redskins (+1 ½) 41, Vikings 24.  The wrong team is favored.

* Packers (+5 ½) 16, at Bears 10.  Before we all go jumping on the “Brett Hundley F*cking Sucks!” bandwagon, let’s take a step back.  Yes, he’s 0-2.  To the Saints and Lions, two teams that I think will win their divisions when it’s all said and done.  The Bears aren’t the Saints or Lions, and Mitchell Trubisky sure as hell isn’t Drew Brees or Matthew Stafford.  Let’s all calm down before writing the Packers eulogy.  (Note: if you had “Stevo is starting Brett Hundley” as your reason for my defense of him, congratulations, you’re possibly a winner!)  

Also, “ALF Game O’ The Week” honors.

* at Colts (+10) 24, Steelers 21 (OT).  We all know the Steelers are going to sh*t the proverbial bed at some point.  They’re going to lose at least one game down the stretch they have no business losing.  They always do.  My money is on this one … although Green Bay at The Ketchup Bottle in two weeks makes sense too.

* at Jaguars (-3 ½) 31, “Super” Chargers 20.  Speaking of “let’s not get ahead of ourselves”, pick your side to be cautious about in this one.  The Jags five wins are against the Texans, Ravens, Steelers, Bengals, and Colts.  The “Super” Chargers have beaten the raiders, Giants, and those people.  Combined they’ve beaten one .500 or better squad.  The Jags five losses are to the Titans, Jets, and Rams; the “Super” Chargers have lost to those people, the Dolphins, the Chiefs, the Eagles, and the Patriots.  My point being, neither of these squads is worth getting worked up about.  Gun to my head, the Jags are better, and they’re at home.  But I’m not sold on this.

* Bengals (+4 ½) 27, at Titans 17.  Gut feeling.

* at Bills (-3) 34, Saints 14.  Let’s think this through to the end game, because this game has (potentially) schedule altering implications to it.  NBC currently is scheduled to air the Packers at Steelers on Sunday night, November 26th.  While that gives you two popular franchises, it also gives you one (at least on paper) god awful game in prime time.  And we all know how concerned the NFL is about its declining ratings right now.  (And unlike last year, there isn’t an election to blame, or recover from.)

On November 26th, the Bills visit the Chiefs, and the Saints visit the Rams.  Neither Buffalo nor New Orleans has a scheduled appearance on Sunday Night Football.  (For that matter, neither do the Rams, and the Chiefs are done barring being flexed in.)

Does the winner of this game, see their matchup on November 26th moved to prime time?

Something to consider.

(Also, this is one great game on paper.)

* at Lions (-11) 38, Browns 10.  “Webster Game O’ The Week” honors.

* at Rams (-11) 38, Texans 10.  “Designing Women Game O’ The Week” honors.

* at 49ers (+2 ½) 3, Giants 0.  “Good Times Game O’ The Week” honors.  If not the entire year.

* at “Shane” Falcons (-3) 41, Cowboys 34.  For the record, Zeke Elliott’s presence did not defeat the Chiefs last Sunday.  For the record, Zeke Elliott’s absence will defeat the Cowboys this Sunday.

* at those people (+7 ½) 20, Patriots 10.  The “Stevo Rule 34 Game O’ The Week”!  (Which, in case you didn’t know, Stevo Rule 34: if you ever make a decision, and find that everyone’s response to that decision is “you’d have to be mentally retarded or named Stevo to have done that”, just assume you f*cked up.)

There is no sane, rational, reasonable decision for expecting a reeling, humiliated, “we’re starting brock osweiler!” those people squad to win this game.  Absolutely not one.  They’ve lost four straight, each one worse than the previous, culminating with an ass-reaming so violently good that the Eagles literally ran out of fireworks to shoot off after scoring yet another, uuh, score.  I mean, that would be like the late, great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner running out of condoms during a Playboy Mansion party – unthinkable, inconceivable, unbelievable.  That is how horrific those people were last week.

And yet, I’m picking them to win outright – and comfortably – against the defending Super Bowl champions.  (old guy in “grumpier old men” voice) Just goes to show you.

* at Panthers 21, Dolphins (+9) 20.  This line is at least six points too high.  At least.  Also, “Empty Nest Game O’ The Week” honors.

The Jets Best Guess:

If you had the Jets as a .500 team entering their bye – with two weeks to prepare for the stretch run that they are very, very much a mathematical part of (thanks to the fact they’ve beaten both of the current AFC Wild Card holders) – raise your hand.

You will notice mine is not raised.

Look it, I firmly believe the final AFC Wild Card team will be 9-7 at best, and I actually think they’ll be 8-8.  (Gun to my head, your two Wild Card teams will end up being the raiders and Bills, but I’m not sold on Buffalo.)  If the Jets lose this one, .500 is out of the question -- there's still trips to Foxboro and N'Awlins on tap, plus home games with the Chiefs and Panthers after the bye.

For one more week, in the words of Tony Pena: nosotros podemos!

* Jets (-2 1/2) 20, at Bucs 13.

Hopefully coming sometime this weekend, my thoughts on the trip to Dallas for the Chiefs / Cowboys game, plus my Bye Week Chiefs Thoughts.

Friday, November 3, 2017

the week nine picks

Last Week SU: 10-3-0.
Season to Date SU: 75-44-0.

Last Week ATS: 6-7-0.
Season to Date ATS: 68-47-4.

Last Week Upset / Week: it’s a cover.
Season to Date Upset / Week: 4-4-0 SU; 5-3-0 ATS.
This Week’s Upset / Week: (stevo sighing in disgust voice) take a mother f*cking guess.  

The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Predictions:

* Byes: Patriots, Steelers, “Super” Chargers, Browns, Vikings, Bears.
* those people (+8) 24, at Eagles 14.  
* Rams (-4) 34, at Giants 13.  “Webster Game O’ The Week” honors.
* at Saints (-6 ½) 38, Bucs 14.  “Empty Nest Game O’ The Week” honors.
* Bengals (+5 ½) 31, at Jaguars 20.
* “Shane” Falcons (-2) 27, at Panthers 21.
* at Texans (-6 ½) 13, Colts 6.  “ALF Game O’ The Week” honors.
* at Titans (-3 ½) 24, Ravens 20.
* “Super” Cardinals (-2 ½) 6, at 49ers 0.  “Good Times Game O’ The Week” honors.
* at Seahawks 21, Redskins (+7) 20.
* raiders (-3) 41, at Dolphins 14.
* Lions (-2) 31, at Packers 21.

The Jets Best Guess:

My pick was * at Jets (+3 ½) 20, Bills 16.

The Chiefs Prognostication:

My apologies up front that this is just the picks, and pretty much nothing but the picks.  Very busy week at work, coupled with a tight travel schedule this weekend for the Chiefs game, tripled with a sad loss of life.

(Condolences to my bowling league teammate and great friend “that DeHart guy”, who lost his dad on Sunday.  You’re in my prayers dude.)

If you’re going to Dallas, I can tell you we are tailgating / pregaming at the hotel, which apparently I was mistaken as to which one it was.  (I thought we were staying at the La Quinta.  We’re not.  We’re staying across the street at the Red Roof Inn. (Pause). What? (Pause). You're godd*mned right that light better be on.)  

The decision for tailgating was easy: we already have to pay to park there, and if you saw parking prices for AT&T Stadium, you’d go with the devil you know over the devil you don’t as well.

I am sitting in Section 227.  At last count there are 18 of us, most of whom are in 227.  Swing by if you wish.

As for the game itself ...

* Chiefs (+2 ½) 31, at Cowboys 28 (OT).  The Butt Kicker will do it.  At the gun.  From 41.  To force overtime.  And then do it again, with about four minutes left in overtime, from 22.

If I get a chance later Friday, and on the flight down Saturday, I’ll try to type up what this trip means to me and post it.  If not, I’ll try to do it in the (possible) recap next week.  Because this one means a lot to me.  Even if 99.46% of the people who read why, won’t grasp the reason why …

Also, I have about six thoughts from the Chiefs victory over those people I’d like to post at some point -- one of which matters a lot to me, in a non-positive, “I wanted to punch someone for asking the question” kind of way.  Let’s just all be glad I restrained myself.  Which given how much I’d already had to drink, is (I think) a credit to me?  To be brutally honest, I’ve given up figuring out how my chemical dependency on a liquid beverage factors into the equation between good and bad ...

Saturday, October 28, 2017

week eight: the chiefs prognostication ...

“Yeah -- please consider ducking us,
Cause ain’t nobody touching us!
Got the city loving us;
They dancing like it’s double dutch!

Come through in the clutch?  We just
Make it so you must erupt!
Ain’t never been no lucky stuff;
We winners just because we tough!

See my flag?  They flying it!
Now there’s no denying it!
Anything that got my city’s logo?
Now they buying it!

Keep them going crazy though --
TV and the radio!
Been watching since a baby --
So I’m representing KCMO!

KC MO!
Roll!

(I’m representing!)

KC MO!
Roll! …

(I ain’t messing with!)

KC MO!
Roll!

(Was born and raised in!)

KC MO!
Roll! ...”


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So here’s what you’re getting below, in Part Two of the Week Eight Picks:

* The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week.  This week’s wrote itself.
* The Watching Party Plans.  There aren’t any.
* The Tailgating Plans.  There are some.
* Mixology Updates.  There are two, and I think both are big improvements.
* “Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” Update.  It was a great week!
* Stevo Previews His Trip to The Metroplex.  So f*cking ready!  
* The Chiefs Prognostication.  What you came here for.

And in case you missed the Non-Chiefs Predictions, you can click here to access them.

Ready?

--------------------

The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:


You know, for once, I gotta praise and admire the man.  I mean, here he is, attending a football game at his alma mater with potential bowl eligibility on the line for the ‘Cats … and he still -- on an off day mind you! -- manages to tweet a shout out to a show sponsor and contributor!

I mean, seriously, you have to respect the fact that again, even on a non-working afternoon, he wasn’t caught with his pants (allegedly) down, when given the chance to pimp a sponsor.  That is some awesome effort there, looking out for the folks who pay the mortgage!

Also, if he’s tweeting sponsors out while on a trip of pleasure, does this mean we’re a couple cat p*ss stains in the back seat away, from officially renaming this segment the Don Fortunato Junior Tweet O’ The Week?  Circle me curious on that one, Bert.  Circle me curious.

The Watching Party Plans:

There are no The Watching Party Plans, as this is a Chiefs home game.

The Tailgating Plans:

First things first: The Bus departs at approximately 1pm on Monday.  At last count, there are at least ten people riding out, and possibly as many as fifteen.  We’ll have the grassy knoll north of the G30 sign locked down by 1:30pm.  If you need a place to park?  Well, we don’t have to save one for you anymore, provided you arrive within an hour or so of the gates opening.  When the Chiefs claim it’s a “free for all” in the first hour?  Folks, they ain’t lying.  If you’re parked by 3:30ish, you’re golden where you park.

Second things second: the STM email says gates open at 2:30pm.  I’m calling fertilizer on that.  They’ll open by 2pm at the latest.

Third things third: the menu is bronco burgers, assorted sides (including fries and baked beans and homemade potato salad … don’t worry -- none of it made by me), and a healthy assortment of adult beverages.  Feel free to swing by and enjoy the day.

Having noted the Captain Oats of the post … there are two changes coming on Monday.  One that became necessary over the last two tailgates, the other of which is at least a couple years overdue.

The Mixology Updates:

First, after twenty (plus) years, the Classic Speakers have officially bit the dust.  When the bass sounds worse than a low-rider from 1991, it’s time to swap them out.  I’ll be working to get the newbies operational on Sunday (and yes -- if they don’t work, that gives me a day to figure out what the hell to do instead.  Hey, you try to find stereo speaking compatible with a 1970s sound system, and tell me how successful you are, smart a** reader).

Also on Sunday (and probably into Monday), Mixology is getting overhauled.  I came to a realization two Sundays ago, that 314 songs is too damned many … and of the 314, about 250 of them nobody gives a sh*t about, save for one person who may or may not be there anyway.  So, the playlist is going to be smaller (probably between 80 and 100), and will contain far more rap, modern hits, and 80s pop (since that seems to be what most people prefer) than the classic rock and country and 90s pop on there now (since that seems to not be as preferable).  

I also am deferring to a few experts for the overhaul: namely, a couple of fourth and fifth graders, who know far, far more about what passes as quality party music, than I ever will. (Hey, they gave you the theme to this post. Which I thought was perfect, to be brutally honest.)

Hopefully the changes are positive, because I have to be brutally honest here: every damned change in my life over the last (almost) ten months has been 100% positive.  I don’t want to undo all the progress in my life of the last ten months by putting too much late 1990s boy band and not enough DNCE on the playlist.

Speaking of changes and progress …

“Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” Update:

We’re up to three!  And God bless it, I wish I’d had my phone with me at lunch, because not only was “Questionable Greek Food Truck” there, and not only did “Sh*tty Burger Food Truck” park its’ ass in front of the apartments at 32nd and North Broadway … but oh yeah, El Gallo -- aka “Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” showed up on Friday!

I swear to Christ, you’d have thought it was, uuh, Christ’s Second Coming, the news of “Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” returning spread that fast through “company I work for”.  I actually felt bad for the Greek and burger trucks -- the line for “Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” was seriously, 5, 6 people deep.

And I am happy to report, that not only is that bad boy of a truck back in business … but sweet Jesus God above, they make THE best fish tacos I’ve ever had.  OK, fine, they’re not the best … but they’re in the ballpark.  

I could eat fish tacos all day long.  They definitely leave me with a happy ending.

(Wow, the sleazy sexual one-liners are just FLYING off my fingers today, aren’t they?)

Now, if we can just add a BBQ food truck -- because God bless, it’s only going to get colder, and Gates is a whole three minute walk away -- I’ll be a really happy employee.

And now, a brief moment for a personal look forward …

Special Commentary: Stevo Preps For His (Way Too Brief) Return To His Adopted Home State.

I leave Friday for the Metroplex.  I sadly have to return to KC on Monday.  But I’ve booked as late of a flight back on Monday as possible.  I get almost three full days to enjoy the metropolitan area I spend the happiest three and a half years of my life in.

I will be staying at the (probably not even remotely) lovely La Quinta Six Flags Hotel, off basically Randol Mill and Six Flags Expressway (or Texas 360, for the non-Metroplex familiar).  It is allegedly within eyesight of AT&T Stadium … and both hotel and stadium sit barely six miles from the apartment I called home in college.

I fully intend to spend Saturday heading all around the Fort Worth side of the Metroplex.  I want to see what (barenaked ladies voice) the old apartment looks like twenty years after I last stepped foot in it.  I can’t wait to see what campus looks like -- I haven’t stepped foot on TCU property since 2007.  I’ve already demanded we have to do Uncle Julio’s at least once -- I’m willing to settle for dinner after the game Sunday … but am kinda, sorta hoping for dinner before the game on Saturday, since that went really, really well the last time I ate there.

I’m ready for some Pappadeaux’s.  I definitely intend to have a frosty cold one at The Greek House or Perrotti’s.  (Update: DAMMIT! The Greek House is gonzo. But this Buffalo Brothers place that now stands where The Greek House used to be looks promising.)

And if it’s there, I’m finding, photographing, and possibly stealing my brick, from The Clarkway.

There’s even a decent probability (as of now) that I’ll see at least two of the four great friends I had way too much fun with, and hopefully three: Mike, Niko, and hopefully “Tony Gonzalez”.  (Sadly, no “Cocoa Vineet” … but I should be in New York in six weeks for the Jets game, so there’s still hope for a meet and drink before 2017 is done!)  I haven’t seen any of my four best friends from college in pushing ten years.  I’m beyond fired up for this.

I intend to get more into this next week, but I am so freaking ready for this roadie.  I will just simply note this until then: my life at times is a model for how not to live.  (everyone voice: sometimes?!?!?!)  Screw-up, f*ck-up, failure -- three words (or five I guess, depending on how you treat the hyphens) that define me far more often than not.  

And yet, despite every mistake of the last twenty years (and trust me, there’s not enough bandwidth on the Internet to detail them all)?

Well, I’m saving that for next week, and (probably more accurately) the recap a week after that.

I just hope this trip, lives up to the hype.

And even if it doesn't? If for almost seventy two hours, life reverts for me back to when I wasn't a screw-up, f*ck-up and failure?

It's worth the price of admission.

(Which is (gulp) 426 dollars!, next Sunday. Jesus God above. Four hundred f*cking dollars for a regular season football game! I paid less -- combined! -- for the last two playoff road games I've attended, in Indy (Part One / Part Two) and Houston.)

The Chiefs Prognostication:

I have eight things I want to say, which may or may not have anything to do with the actual game Monday night.

1. I will not be booing Jamaal Charles during introductions. I will be booing the entire franchise of those people trotting out of the tunnel. There is a difference between booing the mob, and booing a particular person within the mob. I feel like that needs to be stressed.

2. NFL owners have got to be the most cowardly, childish collection of wealthy people assembled this side of the failed Clinton campaign. To apologize for stating the obvious, as Texans owner Bob McNair did, is insane. The inmates ARE running the prison! (Note: either way you take his comments -- b*tching about the players, or b*tching about the cowardly owners? He's right.)

You pay the players' salaries, NFL owners. They all have non-guaranteed contracts. The NFLPA is the single most worthless union in the history of mankind, save for possibly any union the crowd facing the lions in ancient Rome, formed on their behalf. NFL owners? Act like you own the room! (Because you literally do!)

(And I say this as someone who supports the Anthem protests, for what it's worth.)

(I also say this as a proud son of two very proud union (NEA / Postal Workers) retirees.)

(Sorry, but common sense should trump insanity. (christopher cross voice) I know it's crazy, but it's true.)

(Also, one final ( ) -- "Arthur" is one of the ten funniest movies of all time. Give it a try some time, peoples and peepettes.)

3. This is the best Chiefs team of my lifetime. I turn 41 three days after the 2017 regular season ends. Having said that ...

4. The wrong team is ridiculously favored. Because ...

5. This is as close to "must win" as you can face, when it comes to "those people". They're 3-3, L2, and their next two are at Eagles / vs Patriots. They still have roadies to the raiders and Redskins, and they still host the Chiefs again. If they drop four of those, they're at seven losses. Sweep the Chiefs and EVERY OTHER game on the schedule, other than those four very probable losses mentioned in this paragraph, and their ceiling is 9-7. 9-7 probably gets you the six seed, and some semblance of pride over the season that was. 8-8 means you once again pick in the late teens, and can't gain any traction in moving the franchise forward to the 2020s.

In my opinion, it is patently absurd that those people would be home underdogs if the game were at fake mile high this week. Patently absurd. This line at best should be KC -3. Somehow it's KC -8. Indefensible.

6. Do you trust this Chiefense at this point? They've been (hozier voice) taken to church by the Texans for 34. Pushed up and down the field all day (although they did force the 3 and out when it counted ... wasted as it was) by the Steelers. And bent over and given the business by the raiders. Do you honestly think the flaws in the Chiefense can be fixed by three days off? Because I don't.

7. There is no possible way those people are this bad. There is no possible way they're 24 points worse than the (now) 1-6 Giants, there's no possible way they're so god awful they get shut out in a virtual home game in Carson. There is no possible way a defense this good, can possibly be fielded by a team this bad ... unless you're the 1992 Seahawks.

Which leads me to the last point:

8. Anyone expecting a coronation, an easy victory, on Monday night -- by either side -- is a complete f*cking idiot. This is going to be a virtual replay of the Redskins game four weeks ago. A virtual replay of the raiders game last week.

The last team with a credible possession of the ball, is going to win.

Just like it was at fake mile high last year, at Arrowhead the year before, at fake mile high the year before that, at Arrowhead the three years before that, like ... well, like at least one of these matchups tends to be every year.

And sweet merciful Lord Jesus, I pray I'm wrong about Monday. I really, honestly, truly, and for the love of everything holy, PRAY I'm wrong.

Because my feeling about Monday night, can be summed up in two sentences.

(1) This one is too f*cking obvious?

(2) To be this f*cking obvious.

Even if this line was KC -3, I'd take those people.

Because I think they're winning outright on Monday night.

* those people (+8) 27, at Chiefs 24. I pray I'm right. I fear I'm not ...