Born is the King of Israel!
The first Noel
The angels did say?
Was to certain poor shepherds,
In fields where they lay.
In fields where they
Lay keeping their sheep.
On a cold winter's night?
That was so deep.
Noel! Noel! Noel! Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!
They looked up?
And saw a star!
Shining in the east!
Beyond and far!
And to the herd?
It gave great light!
And so it continued
Both day and night!
Noel! Noel! Noel! Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!
Despite the light
Of that same star?
Three wise men came
From country far!
To seek for a King?
Was their intent!
And to follow that star?
Wherever it went!
Noel! Noel! Noel! Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!
Born is the King?
Of Israel!!! ..."
-- "The First Noel", and say what you want, I effing love this version of it ...
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The Statisticals.
(Note: no Week Ten picks were submitted due to real-life issues that trumped posting them.)
Last Week SU: 9-7-0.
Season to Date SU: 106-72-1.
Last Week ATS: 9-7-0.
Season to Date ATS: 98-80-1.
Last Week Upset / Week: forgot to pick one.
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 7-7-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 8-6-0.
This Week's Upset / Week: Redskins (+12 1/2) over Packers. I'm riding the "Sur" William Callahan pony baby! Even if said pony looks like this.
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The Non-Chiefs Picks.
* My Thursday night pick was at Bears (+3) 24, Cowboys 14. (dierks bentley voice) Am I the only one who wants a 6-10 "Sur" William Callahan-led Washington Redskins division championship? I'm not? Sweet!
* at Bills (+5) 27, Ravens 20. Arguably the biggest home game Buffalo has hosted since Mike Mularkey whizzed away a wild card berth to close 2004.
* Redskins (+12 1/2) 26, at Packers 20. I can't wait to have 5-10 Washington at 6-9 Dallas flexed to prime time in Week Seventeen, to determine who hosts 13-3 San Francisco to open the postseason. Party like it's 2010 all over again people!
* at Texans (-9) 35, those people 13. T Minus Ten Days until #thedayilivefor. #ryanleafjunior
* at Saints (-2 1/2) 31, 49ers 24. Toughest game to pick on the board. And there's a lot of good ones to try to figure out this week.
* at Browns (-7 1/2) 34, Bengals 10. If the Browns win out, I think they'll get in. And for what it's worth, I think the Browns are going to win out.
* at "Shane" Falcons (-3) 41, Panthers 3. For what it's worth, I wouldn't have fired "Riverboat" Ron. Also, for what it's worth, I wouldn't have fired Scott Pioli, nor his successor John Dorsey, either. So clearly, I'm intellectually challenged.
* at Vikings (-13) 52, Lions 10. If more than 2% of the country gets this game, then someone at FOX has failed to provide quality programming to the viewing masses.
* at Jets (-5 1/2) 6, Dolphins 0. Do you trust either of these teams to score a touchdown? Because I don't. Also -- #firegase #f*ckingnow #please
* Colts (+3) 31, at Bucs 20. Are you sh*tting me? The Bucs are favored? This line is more intoxicated or stoned than me on a typical Tuesday. The Colts save their season (temporarily) with a win here. Because always -- always! -- root for #chaos for the six seed. If not also the five seed.
* at Jaguars (+3) 31, "Super" Chargers 13. (Pause). Yeah, gotta. *
(dick clark voice) ok, first subject ... GO!
(markie post voice) Blake Bortles. Trent Dilfer. Kordell Stewart.
(stevo voice) God awful AFC quarterbacks!
(markie post voice) No! Well, yes, but ... jake plummer. dick gannon. Andrew Luck.
(stevo voice) Decent AFC QBs who retired too soon!
(markie post voice) Patrick Mahomes. phyllis rivers.
(stevo voice) QBs who have started only one AFC Title Game in the last twenty years!
(markie post voice) YES! YES! YES!!!
(hugs all around).
Blake Bortles has accomplished as much lasting, uuh, accomplishment, as phyllis rivers has. Sh*t, even The Sanchize started TWO AFC Title Games! (In a row to boot!)
Never stop being the "Super" Chargers, guys. Please. It's nut-enducing enough that those people will be the division's doormat until I'm fifty. (Note: I'm 42 ... almost 43.) Seeing the most overrated franchise in the NFL now staring a massive rebuild in the face after literally p*ssing away rivers' entire career, while trying to find fifteen people to buy a $100 PSL to watch them? To quote Teri Hatcher's "Seinfeld" character: this is real, and it is spectacular!
(*: seriously, look at the first fifteen, sixteen seconds of that clip, and tell me you don't immediately think "holy sh*t, Markie Post is naked!" And then tell me your next reaction isn't to grab a trash can and vomit repeatedly, at realizing you just thought of a nude Markie Post. Also, you milennials who have no idea who Markie Post is? Hit your knees and thank your Risen Lord and Savior, you've been spared from that "knowledge".)
* at "Super" Cardinals (+2 1/2) 31, Steelers 20. It's high damned time Steelers fans shout "f*ck!" when Duck plays.
* at raiders (+2 1/2) 24, Titans 20. Sensational matchup. The winner has the inside track for the six seed, especially if it's the raiders. The Titans still control their own destiny in the AFC South, entering this one. Just a sensational matchup.
* at Rams (PK) 34, Seahawks 31 (OT). I have a sneaky suspicion this one might wind up being the best game of the season. Both teams need this one desperately -- the Seahawks right now hold home field advantage, the Rams are one behind the Vikings (who still have to play the Packers) for the last spot in the (hootie johnson voice) toonumunt.
Seriously, NFL schedule dude -- what a week of games you've given us! Cowboys / Bears to open the week (both teams in it, but struggling to stay afloat). 49ers / Saints as the FOX main game. Ravens / Bills as the CBS early; Chiefs / Patriots as the CBS National, then Seahawks / Rams as the night cap. And we get 209 year old Eli Manning in his likely final appearance to shut the week down! Great job, NFL schedule dude! Great job!
* at Eagles 22, Giants (+9 1/2) 14. Whatever one may think of Eli Manning (and I'm neutral on him, unlike his brother), I hope he gets at least one more win, on his way out the door. Also, an Eagles win here, likely ensures KC at Chicago gets flexed OUT of Sunday night in Week Sixteen, and Cowboys at Eagles gets flexed IN. This matters to me. I'll go to a noon game in Chicago. There ain't a chance in hell I'll go to a 7:20 kickoff three days before Christmas on Lake Michigan. If I'm gonna freeze my ass off, it'll be at Arrowhead, thank you very much.
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The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
(stevo sighing a deep disgusted, uuh, sigh of, uuh, disgust).
Ladies and gentlemen, the Klueless Kaptain of "Kannot Find His Khakis", at his most klueless and kompletely kracked:
I'm not sure who was more kareless with their station's approach to the Khiefs: "No Khaki" Kev ... or Angela Riccona, the dumb f*ck broad who edited the Tyreek Hill tape for KCTV5. (And somehow is still employed!)
Ol' Kietz? You pretty much single handedly kost your station its konnection with the Khiefs. They didn't pull the plug on 810 because of Soren Petro or The Border Patrol, you klueless knob. They pulled the plug because of you. And even Khad Boeger sh*t kanning your ass, couldn't stop the Khiefs from (kredibly and kompletely justifiably) eliminating 810 as a broadcast partner of the franchise.
Please, fellow readers, make me one promise: with the sole and only exception of the 2020 Presidential Election (because I will not vote to re-elect the President) ... if you ever katch me making these delusional and utterly devoid of reality statements out there on the Internet, please, promise me you'll send the nice gentlemen in white koats to my house, to take me to my new home at a mental institution. That's all I ask. Thanks in advance.
Now back to the kolumn.
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The Tailgating Plans.
There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is not a Chiefs game I will be in attendance for. But God (and my work schedule, and the good folks at Capital One and Security Bank) willing, this is the last Chiefs game I will not be in attendance for, this year.
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The Watching Party Plans.
We will be at the Homegate at McFadden's down in Power and Light. I plan to be there by 2pm at the latest to ensure we get our corner spot next to the "stress relieving" ski-ball games. (Which are right to your, uuh, right, as you walk in the door off Grand.)
We're expecting fifteen at last count, and that number will probably rise. We have the built in $300 credit, plus the "VIP Experience" I won at the "Super" Chargers Monday nighter (which consists of two trays of wings, plus two rounds of beers for everyone in my party. (Pause). Yeah, McFadden's may file for bankruptcy by Monday morning.)
As always, anyone and everyone who desires to come out will be welcomed and wanted. And if, like me, you're cheap and don't desire to pay for parking? Then you can either (a) ride The Bus out, or (b) do what I do -- park in the lot just north of the College Basketball Hall of Fame. That lot doesn't charge on the weekends, and it's an easy in/out if you're headed any direction but north (construction issues).
Feel free to join in, if you so desire!
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Stevo Drink O' The Week.
So last Wednesday, before heading out to my brother's for our family's Thanksgiving bash, I went to a happy hour for my buddy Charles, who I've worked with for a couple years now, and has decided to head home to the Philippines while he figures out what he wants to do with life.
We went to Ollie's on 31st and Gillham (which, in the interest of full disclosure, is one of my favorite bars in Kansas City). And they have this special there called "The Working Man's Friend".
Any beer you want -- tap, bottle, or can -- plus any shot you want, for $5 plus tax.
Not since Jerry and Paul were running the bar at the late, great Quinton's in Waldo, has booze flowed so freely, for so cheap. (Note: this might be why the late, great Quinton's in Waldo, didn't make it. That, or I drank them out of business. (Pause). Yeah, probably the latter.)
So that's my Drink O' The Week: Coors Banquet coupled with Jim Beam Fire. Sweet merciful baby Jesus, is that one potent combo, that I have yet to regret (maureen mcgovern voice) the morning after!
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Stevo Neighborhood Update.
It's been a quiet week in South Waldo. I'll take it.
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"Disreputable" Mexican Food Truck Update.
Nothing on said "disreputable" food truck ... but. But!
We heard on Sunday through a fellow tailgater, than on Monday nights after a Chiefs victory (and I would assume on Tuesday's, if the Chiefs play on Monday), that Hereford House has half price prime rib -- pick your size.
Monday night's Chiefs Kingdom Show was at the HyVee on Noland and 40. My Second Parents and I went to that, and got a few cool pic's with KPass (who is humongous in person folks -- my God. The dude could start at center for 92.47% of all basketball teams. I mean, I'm only 5'11" on a good day, 6'1" in drag ... but Jesus. He was AT LEAST 6'6". AT LEAST. And built like a tank. Damn.)
Anyway, after the Kingdom Show, we decided to check out if the rumor was true, and went to the Hereford House out in Independence.
Folks? (Pause). Hang on. I have to do this right. Mr. Former Vice President?
(joe biden voice) Folks! This deal is better than black kids admiring my leg hair from afar! A three letter word -- hair!
Thank you sir. And please -- for the dignity of the nation, get the f*ck out of the race, ASAFP.
Anyways, the rumor was true! A sixteen ounce prime rib (made to order), your choice of potato, and a salad as well, for less than $20! (Sadly, no Paul Bunyan hats were thrown in for the kids ... although there weren't any kids there, so who knows; maybe they would have.)
As Mona noted: "we can each buy a freaking bottle of wine, plus dinner, and still come in less than the prime rib normally is!"
Yes. Yes, we could.
And yes. Yes, we did.
When I got home on Monday, I called my dad to tell him about the deal, and his exact response was ... well, classic "this man knows me better than I know myself":
"So, we're going in two weeks, after (the Chiefs) beat the crap out of denver?"
Yes. Yes, we are.
And I'm willing to be (spanish voice) muy generoso enough?
To let the ol' man pay for it.
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The Flashback.
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The Chiefs Pontification and Prediction.
Predicting the Chiefs This Season:
Straight Up: 7-6-0 (L at Jaguars, W at raiders, W vs Ravens, W at Lions, L vs Colts, L vs Texans, W at those people, L vs Packers, W vs Vikings, L at Titans, W at "Super" Chargers, W vs raiders).
Against the Spread: 6-7-0 (L at Jaguars, W at raiders, W vs Ravens, L at Lions L vs Colts, W vs Texans, W at those people, L vs Packers, W vs Vikings, L at Titans, W at "Super" Chargers, L vs raiders).
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(the "congregation") (restlessly shifting)
("pastor" stevo) (clearing his throat)
Let's begin.
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If I hadn't chosen (like I usually do), to have a Christmas song as the theme to every December post, this week's theme would have been "Don't Mean Nothing" by Richard Marx * .
Because the lyrics so perfectly fit, what (might) be coming today:
"Welcome to the big time!
You're bound to be a star!
And even if you don't go all the way?
You know that you'll go far!
This race is for rats;
It can turn you upside down!
'Cause there ain't no one you can count on?
In this sleazy little town!
Oh no!
Lots of promises made in the dark!
Oh no!
(But) don't you open your heart!
'Cause it don't mean nothing!
The words that they say!
It don't mean nothing!
These games that people play!
It don't mean nothing --
No victim! No crime!
It don't mean nothing?
'Til you sign it on the dotted line ..."
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(*: if you have SiriusXM on Demand (specifically, the SiriusXM app), you have to -- absolutely have to! -- listen to the Thanksgiving special with Richard Marx **, available on demand on 80s on 8.
Also, "Don't Mean Nothing" seems to work far, far better than "Should've Known Better" (which is Mr. Marx's *** funniest one-liner on this epic sixty minute concert). (The exact quote: (marx) So I get told all the time by people that "oh! I played your song as my first dance (at the wedding)! And I always respond, "Should've Known Better"? (rimshot!)) I may not be right about a lot ... but I'm pretty sure I'm right about both of those facts.
And double also: how the f*ck did I go this long, without another * in this post?)
(**: "Endless Summer Nights" is the best song he ever recorded. That, or "Angelia". With "Hazard" in contention. Sorry, seventh grade Stevo -- "Right Here Waiting" and "Hold On To The Night" don't stand the test of time. No matter how great those skating parties at the ol' school Skateland at 103rd and the Overland Parkway were ...)
(***: Mr. Marx **** is married to Daisy Fuentes. (Pause). Yeah -- utter brilliance.)
(****: also, I irrationally love Richard Marx, in case you don't grasp it ... and will never apologize for it. The man is the most prolific song writer since the immortal Carole King and Gerry Goffin were nailing it, ten years before I was born. I swear to Christ, if Mr. Marx had written "Bye Bye Bye"? I'd probably bow down and worship the man. To say nothing of my "song writing bastardization" of "I Want It That Way". #ed #ward #hoch #u #li)
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I spent yesterday Christmas shopping. Like many of you, I use Amazon for some of the gifts I, uuh, give, because (a) I can be lazy as hell when an entertaining as hell game like Baylor / OU is on, and (b) some stuff just isn't available here in Kansas City, that I'd like to give.
But I also spent a large chunk of my Saturday actually shopping. As in, I got my ass in New Tito, drove to a store, and purchased in person what I wanted. I went to The Plaza. Spent some (barely) earned money at Rally House. Hit up Charlie Hustle. Went to Crown Center. Hit up Sportibles and Hall's (you're welcome, mom) and the Crayola Store (hey now! I have nieces under the age of ten. They still appreciate a good chalk set to decorate the driveway with! That, and God forbid western Johnson County have a subdivision with a color in it other than grey, brown, or a shade of grey or brown. Thank God I live in Waldo, where color exists, and not just in the color of the skin of your neighbors. (ed mcmahon voice) Hey yo!)
I couldn't help myself -- at one point, I grabbed a coffee from Panera, sat at a table, and watched the kiddos enjoying the hell out of the Ice Chateau, in the shadow of this year's incredible Mayor's Christmas Tree. (Hey, it was pushing sixty here yesterday. Sixty in December! It's like I never left Texas behind!)
And go figure, many of the conversations I overheard, were about today's game. Specifically, the belief that this is the one. This is when the Chiefs finally overcome the beast that is the New England Patriots.
It took damned near all I had in me, to keep from laughing.
Because peoples and peepettes?
We've slain the beast before. In their own layer of hell to boot!
And it didn't mean nothing.
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If there is a comedic lining to Sunday, it is that next week the Patriots play ... at the Bengals. So we might get a few quality "we're on to Cincinnati" jokes out of Bill Belichick in the post-game presser. (And God above, I pray we do. Even I would laugh out loud, if that happens, win or lose.)
Because five years ago, in what has to still remain as the (start to the) greatest forty eight hour period of Kansas City sports history, the Chiefs flogged the Patriots like they were Reverend Sharpton's government mule, 44-14, a day before this happened. *
(It's just a shame we didn't win by 40, to take the Reverend's acreage he's always b*tching about, to boot.)
I never got around to recapping that Monday night game (I know -- shocker), but one thing still sticks with me five years later: the Triple T's.
Tomorrow Trumps Tonight.
The 2014 Chiefs blew the Patriots out of the building that amazing September night.
They failed to reach the playoffs. The Patriots lost to those people in the AFC Title Game.
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(*: gun to my head, it's the second best post I've ever, uuh, posted. Only trumped by this one.)
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Go back to The Flashback above. The 2005 Chiefs destroyed the Patriots. The 26-16 final doesn't even begin to note what an ass kicking that game was. (This was also the game where Jared Allen's blue Cadillac with the bullhorns made its first postgame appearance. I miss the Boomer Grigsby years, always.)
The 2005 Chiefs failed to reach the playoffs. The Patriots lost to those people, in the AFC Divisional Round.
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All you really have to do, is go back two seasons, to the 2017 opener. Granted, you give "Fat" Andy an extra three hours to prepare, he'll outscheme your best. Giving him eight months to prep for this one seems like cruel and unusual punishment, which is what Kareem Hunt and "Sir" Alex Smith and the Chiefs delivered that amazing Thursday night, a 42-27 beatdown that set the table for the 5-0 start to the 2017 season.
The 2017 Chiefs then lost six of seven, before rallying to make the playoffs ... and crap out to a god-awful Titans team, that fired its coach, for the apparently, uuh, uuh, fireable offense, of beating the Chiefs in January.
The Patriots lost arguably the greatest Super Bowl ever to the Eagles, four months after that opener.
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Even in defeat to these guys in recent history, it's never been by more than a score (with one exception). Consider:
* 2000: at Patriots 30, Chiefs 24. One of the worst Monday Night Football games ever -- two also rans clogging the prime time schedule.
* 2002: at Patriots 41, Chiefs 38 (OT). One of the funnest games in Chiefs history, rallying from down 21 in the fourth quarter, tying the game as time expired ... only to lose the coin flip, and the game.
* 2004: Patriots 27 at Chiefs 19. Another Monday night dud, this time in November. This defeat all but eliminated the 2004 Chiefs from postseason consideration. (The following week's loss to the "Super" Chargers did officially do that.)
* 2008: at Patriots 17, Chiefs 10. Perhaps best known as the game Bernard Pollard ended Tom Brady's season. Of course, Patriots gonna Patriot, so of course they send us the backup who filled in after the season, to head our team -- Matt Cassel. Let's move on before #sobersaturday turns into #sloshedsunday before the sun rises.
* 2011: at Patriots 34, Chiefs 3. A third Monday night sh*tfest. What is it with these two teams, and Monday night, that never adds up right? Also, I fear I am recycling some eight year old material. I apologize. (readers / one republic voice) It's too late ...
* 2015: at Patriots 27, Chiefs 20 (AFC Divisional Round). (hall and oates * voice) So close! So close! Yet so far away!
(*: again, we all know he's G. E. Smith, right?)
* 2018: at Patriots 43, Chiefs 40. The third best game from 2018.
* 2018: Patriots 37, Chiefs 31 (OT; AFC Championship Game). (stevo sighing in disgust) The best game from 2018.
(The game in between last year? At Rams 54, Chiefs 51. Christ, we lost all three of the best games of the season ... and the "Super" Chargers' comeback at Arrowhead on that epic Thursday nighter has to rank in the top ten as well. Hang on. #sloshedsunday is about to become #stuporsunday ...)
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Can the Chiefs win today?
Yes. Yes, they can.
Will the Chiefs win today?
Yes. Yes, they will.
My official pick is Chiefs (+3) 38, at Patriots 13. I don't think this is going to be particularly close. I don't think this is going to be competitive.
And I honestly think there's a very reasonable chance, my credit card will have a couple hundred dollars more of purchases on it (jimmy buffett voice) come Monday, because the Chiefs clinch the division with a win and a raiders loss.
But ultimately?
Sunday don't mean nothing. And not just because the Patriots have already clinched a playoff berth, and the Chiefs will do the same, no later than next weekend.
Sunday don't mean nothing, because we've (luke bryan voice) been there, done that.
As the antichrist himself noted in 1997, after losing back to back to back to the Chiefs, 49ers, and Steelers: "we can win there (today), or win there in January. I know which one I prefer."
Other than our shared mutual hatred of al davis? It's probably the only thing the antichrist and I will ever agree on.
Because I know which game I prefer to win -- today, or January 19th?
One of those two, ultimately means a helluva lot more, than nothing.
And it ain't today ...
... Unless today, is the first, of many more wins to come ...
