idol top seven part dos: this site's rubber chicken is back on the roof ...

FOURTEEN songs?  Are you kidding me?  As ridiculous as “Idol” can be at times, they have NEVER attempted to pack this much music into a two hour show.  So while at times last night’s “Idol” felt rushed, condensed, and frantic … it also was one helluva way to spend two hours with the most talented final seven this show has ever seen.

Dim the lights, here we … well, no, here we don’t go, because unless you’ve been living in a cave, you know that yesterday, television icon Dick Clark, affectionately known as “Strokey” Dick Clark to me, passed away at the age of 82.  While I loved the classy, fitting, appropriate opening to “Idol” paying tribute to Dick Clark, allow me to pay tribute in my own way to open this recap.

I never met Dick Clark.  I’ve met a few people in life that are famous, probably the most famous of which is (current) Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.  Either it’s meeting her at the young journalists conference I went to in 1994 … or playing blackjack for a couple hours with Joey Fatone of *NSYNC.  (Definitely Mrs. Clinton).  But I wish I had met Mr. Clark, because I feel like he’s a part of my life.  And here’s why.

I rarely if ever go out on New Year’s Eve.  For a plethora of reasons, the biggest one being that it’s amateur hour out there, and as much as I enjoy a vodka tonic, it’s not worth dying over because some moron had one too many Coronas and thought he was ok to drive, but instead ends up t-boning you when he thinks red is green at the traffic signal.  My typical New Year’s Eve is: meet up with friends for dinner and drinks in the early evening, home on the couch by 10pm, and raise a bottle of champagne to “Strokey” Dick Clark come midnight, before passing out to get enough sleep to enjoy Bowl Day that kicks off at 10am the following morning.  What can I say, I’m a boring individual.

I’ve rung in the new year exactly twice in the last 20 years anywhere other than on my couch with Dick Clark on my TV – 2000, when I was so hammered I didn’t realize the chick I was dancing with in Westport was begging me for a hookup (the lesson?  As always, I’m the dumbest person in the room) … and last year, when the clock hit midnight, and I was on … Dusty and Kellie’s couch, as everyone else there made fun of me for raising my glass of champagne to Mr. Clark as the clock struck midnight.

I didn’t care that I was getting made fun of … well hell, let’s face it – I get made fun of all the time, because I’m an easy-to-make-fun-of guy.  But it didn’t bother me, because I was raising a glass to “my friend”, Dick Clark.  A man I rang every New Year’s in with for my entire life … until this year.  I have no idea how Ryan Seacrest is going to handle the show this year … but I know it just won’t be the same.

Which is why Seacrest’s tribute to Dick Clark to open “Idol” last night was so perfect.  He nailed it – it wasn’t just Ryan who lost a friend (again, in case you’ve been living in a cave, the reason Dick Clark was still on your TV screen every New Year’s Eve?  Was because Ryan Seacrest ensured it happened.  They were like father and son, and you could see how tore up Ryan was last night, although being the pro he is, he made it through the opening.)  We ALL lost “our” friend. 

Anyways, on to the performances, before I start crying.

This week’s theme is “Now and Then” – each Idol will perform a song from the 2000s, and a “soul song” from a prior decade.  As I noted earlier this week, this has sick potential.  Also important to note is that tonight is a “double elimination” – two aspiring Idols are going home.  Let’s see what went down.

This week’s mentor?  Obviously Idol wanted to cut costs, because they didn’t have one, other than Jimmy.  Which, to be fair, is still one helluva fallback option.

Hollie opens us with Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”.  It will take two minor miracles for her to still be here next week, so here’s her first attempt at one.  And sweet JESUS, I am digging this!  I’m actually tapping my foot to this.  THIS is the Hollie the judges saw up to this point!  She’s having fun, she’s adopted the “when you got nothing, you got nothing to lose” mentality she needs to have!  This is an incredible vocal!  Not a big fan of the ending … but chalk up minor miracle number one!  Very, very solid opening.

And she knows it too, the sh*t eating grin!

Steven: “you FINALLY did what all of America has been waiting for you to do!”  JLo: “that’s what we mean when we say no thinking!  You just sang that song!  You did it!”  Randy: “for the first time ever, I felt you.  You had feeling, you had emotion … you’ve arrived”.  THAT?  Is why I love this show.  We’re one performance in (out of fourteen!) … and the entire night’s script has just been turned upside down.

Job well done girl!

Next up, this site’s rubber chicken, covering … Lady GaGa?  Whoa, Colton doing “Bad Romance”?  This will be interesting, if nothing else.

Uum, what is that dead red thing on his bangs?  Fine, I’ll say it: this is TURRIBLE.  Christ, he’s in serious trouble tonight if performance two is anything like this.  This is awful.  I have absolutely no idea what he was going for with this performance – it makes no sense vocally or visually.  Thank God it’s over.

And from the look on his face when it’s done, he knows it’s awful.

Randy: “you are so in the zone right now”.  No, no he’s not.  JLo: compliments his character.  Steven: “you gotta get low to get high”.  Oy.  I do agree with Steven, that Colton is the one singer in this competition taking chances and risks.  Unfortunately, that one bombed.

Elise up next, doing “No One” by Alicia Keys.  If she pulls this off, we have a new frontrunner.  I’m just saying.  If you can nail Led Zeppelin AND Alicia Keys?  You’re a frontrunner.

And to be honest?  This is a fun performance.  It’s not great, it’s kind of safe … but it’s fun.  I wouldn’t pay $1.29 on iTunes for it … but I wouldn’t turn the channel if it came on the radio.  JLo: got her first goosies of the night.  (stevo smacking his forehead in frustration)  Steven: compares her to Janis Joplin … and actually, I can see it.  Randy: happy she stayed with the melody.  Agreed.  If this was a 3^rd down play?  That was a 9 yard completion when you need 8.  Safe, but effective.

Phil up next, covering … Usher?!?!  Doing “U Got It Bad”.  Oy.  This is NOT going to go well.

OK, look it, I like Usher.  (I actually argued two years ago Usher should be one of the new “Idol” judges, when they were shaking up the panel.)  And I love DMB – I think I’ve made every appearance of his here in KC for the last decade.  But the two?  Do.  Not.  Mix.  At.  All.

If there’s a shock elimination tonight?  Phil might be your victim.  And yes, I am fully aware I NAILED The Sanchize’s shock “elimination” last week.  That was awful.

Steven: “with you, we never know what we’re gonna get!”  He actually liked that?  I’d rather be deaf than hear that again.  JLo: “that was so sexy!”  Good f*cking God, it was anything but “sexy”.  Randy: “I’ve been doing this show for a minute” … wait, what?!?!  “This year, we have a true artist on the stage!”  Wait, WHAT?!?!  So Kelly Clarkson, Fantasia, Carrie Underwood, Daughtry, Jordin Sparks, David Cook, and Adam Lambert AREN’T true artists?!?!  To say nothing of Jennifer Hudson?  Let’s just move on before I start hurling stuff at my computer screen, because I can’t afford a new laptop right now.

The Sanchize covering Alicia Keys’ “Fallin’”.  Go figure.  Another perfectly predictable and “safe” performance.  This chick annoys the shit out of me, and I’m not editing “shit”, that’s how much she annoys me.  She’s rapidly approaching Katherine McPhee territory (even if I totally dig Ms. McPhee on “Smash”).

OK, I’ll ask it – what the hell is she wearing?  What is that thing around her neck?  And why the 1980s pant suit bottom to what starts out on top as a dress?

Oh, the performance isn’t half bad.  It’s decent.  Steven: “some songs you need to get mad at”.  OK.  JLo: I have absolutely no idea what she just said, something about juggling balls.  Randy: hopes America “shows up and supports you this week!”  Oy.  I’ve heard better … but I’ve certainly heard worse.

Next up, Skylar … doing Lady GaGa?  “Born This Way”?!?!  Oh sh*t, this has potential!

OK, I’m just gonna say this, and feel free to disagree in the comments: if the final is ANYONE other than Colton and Skylar?  Then this show is a f*cking joke.  They’re the ONLY two contestants putting it all out there every week.  Scotty sang the same f*cking song for twelve straight weeks and won last year.  It was outrageous.  Skylar?  Has about the same vocal range as Scotty did (albeit an octave higher) … and is NAILING Lady GaGa! 

That was really good, and she knows it.  As do the judges.  JLo: “Oh My God!  I LOVE that version of that song!  A more perfect song for you does not exist!”  Steven: “I’m so glad you were born that way!”  Randy: you have crossover appeal.  Yes, yes she does.  "You are so beyond ready to me!”  Yes, yes she is.

Finally for the “Now” portion of the show, Josh covering Fantasia’s “I Believe”.  Hang on, let me recap this in the proper frame of mind.  (stevo cracking open the first beer of the day …)

Let me give the kid credit – he’s subdued for once.  This is a REALLY good cover.  Until he reaches the bridge.  Then he starts oversinging, as usual.  I get Josh’s appeal, and he does have a tremendous voice … but for God’s sake, not every song needs to be “taken to church”, as Randy would put it.  Sometimes, simple is good.

Not sure why the judges gave that a standing O.  Not worth it.  Randy: not a clue what he’s trying to say.  JLo: not a clue what she’s trying to say.  She’s “blessed that you’re in this competition”.  Steven: YES!  FINALLY!  Notes that “you could sing the phone book!”  HELL YES!  Randy actually had to jump in as Steven was talking to “grab” his comment back.  First time all year someone has “sung the phone book”!!!  Now we just need someone to “kill it” tonight …

On to the “Then” portion, with Hollie covering Dusty Springfield’s “Son of a Preacher Man”.  Minor miracle number two?

In this recapper’s ears … minor miracle number two!  If she goes home tonight, it’s an outrage … but probably based on the prior five weeks.  Because if you judge her based solely on last night?  She deserves to stay.  That was solid.

Randy: “you dug in!”  Reminds me, I need to get my dugout back.  JLo: liked it.  Steven: “I still think you can push it even more … you’ve got the voice, you’ve got the vehicle, come on!”  Agreed.  That was by far and away her best night, and I hope America keeps her another week.  I wouldn’t wager the $0.67 in my savings account on it though.

Next up, Colton doing Earth, Wind and Fire!  “September!”  Sweet!

(stevo sighing …)

I try to be fair and objective, unlike a certain “news” channel that is anything but “fair” and “balanced”.  (Seriously FOX, just embrace the right wing already.  Nobody gives a damn that you’re biased.  Just admit it).  Having said that … this is ATROCIOUS.  Colton’s going home tonight if the viewing public judges and votes based solely on last night.

Steven: rips it to shreds.  Deservedly so.  JLo: rips it to shreds.  Deservedly so.  Randy: “it wasn’t the perfect song”.  Ya think? 

Colton is in SERIOUS, SERIOUS trouble tonight.  SERIOUS trouble.  Zeus, buddy, pal, help me out here.  You think he can survive this?  (zeus looking at his rubber chicken).  (zeus not barking “yes” …)  (Scooby doo voice) whroot whroo …

Next up, Elise doing “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye.  Sweet?  Sweet!  This is really good to open with.  Love the couch on the stage too, not that its giving off any suggestions as to what this song is about (rimshot!) 

That was a perfectly decent performance.  Not great, but good.  She’s safely through to the top five.

JLo: “you always sound so good”.  Asks her to show more “emotion”, and actually, that’s a solid point – if you aren’t showing emotion on a song like “Let’s Get It On”, why cover it.  Steven: “you need to take it up a notch”.  Randy: “that song choice wasn’t really right for your voice”.  I kind of agree with it.  Although Randy thinks Al Green did this song.  God above.  Who the hell doesn’t know Marvin Gaye did this song?

Phil up next, covering Wilson Pickett’s “Wait Til the Midnight Hour”.

He’s baked off his ass.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  But seriously, Phil?  It’s called “Visine”, use some before taking the stage when your eyes look like that because of what you’ve been enjoying before the performance.

A totally forgettable mess of a performance.  If Colton hadn’t bombed so badly, Phil might be your shock eliminated contestant tonight.  Or could both be headed home?  Because Hollie certainly performed well enough to stick around another week …

Randy: enjoyed it.  “Be who you are”.  Who he is, is a freaking (steve miller band voice) joker, a smoker, a midnight toker!  JLo: says he’s spontaneous.  Steven: “brilliantly awkward”.  Actually … that’s a perfect description of the kid.  Hope he sticks around, I usually enjoy him.  Just not tonight.

Next up, the Sanchize, doing “Try a Little Tenderness” by Otis Redding.  And dear Lord, is this a mess.  Maybe it’s just me … but why do people seem to insist on OVER-singing songs?  What’s wrong with simple and subdued at times?  This is a trainwreck.  This is a six car pile-up.  It’s awful.

Steven: “I like the fact that you’re stepping out!”  What?  JLo: “we got a little bit of your alter ego”.  What?  JLo is in full on “I know that was awful, but she’s good, so let me praise her to draw her votes” mode.  “Your voice alone is not gonna do it”.  Randy: “you need to connect with the emotion of the lyric”.  No, she needs to go home, she’s not top five worthy based on the previous six weeks of performances, but that’s just me.

Skylar next, another Marvin Gaye classic, “I Heard It Through the Grapevine”.  Or is that an Al Green classic Randy?

And yikes, this is awful.  Some songs, you just can’t countrify.  This?  Is one of those songs.

The judges do not look happy.

Randy: “you let it all hang out, you have a good time, it’s a Skylar Laine party!”  JLo: likes her spunkiness.  Steven: “you’re like a wild horse who refuses to be tamed”.  This from the man who once sung “o’er the land of the free?  And the home … of the … (dramatic pause) … INDIANAPOLIS 500!!!”

That was decent, but not great, and barely good.  Still, no way she’s going home.

Finally, Josh with “A Change Is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke.  And in the interest of full disclosure, I LOVE this song.  There’s a singer who shows up at BB’s every so often, Lonnie Shelton, who NAILS this song.  His cover of this is worth the price of admission.  Here we go.

(sponsor-desired shoutout voice: BB’s Lawn Side BBQ!  Arguably the best thing about living in south KC …)

That wasn’t half bad.  I don’t get Josh’s appeal … but then again, I don’t get a lot of things in life.

Steven: “you have stretched your voice to the limits of soul!”  JLo: “I still want more at the end … please America, don’t send this boy home!”  They won’t.  Randy: “Sam Cooke grew up singing quartet, most people may not know what that means …”  WHAT?  Who the f*ck doesn’t know what a “quartet” is?  Even my four year old nephew could figure out that a word that starts with “quart” probably involves “four”.

Let’s end this, I need a stiff drink, and it’s not even 10am yet.

Predicted Bottom Three: Hollie, Colton, Phil.

Going Home (based on last night, deservedly so): Colton.

Going Home (based on last night, undeservedly so): Hollie.

Personally, I'd vote off The Sanchize and Josh ... but wow, is tonight's results show gonna be a "sweat through it" result for my rubber chicken.  Right champ?  (zeus voice) bark!  bark bark bark!!!

idol top 8: time after time, they're the wind beneath my wings

Wow am I way, way behind this week, thanks to an awesome night of bowling and closing down The  Hangout* in Raytown last night.  I mean, here’s it’s Thursday, and there’s no “Smash” recap, no MLB Season Predictions, not even a “Stevo Remembers His Favorite Guilty Pleasure That Signed Off The Air Last Night”, and no, it ain’t Keith Olbermann.  So here at least is the “Idol” Top 8 Night recap, where Idol Tackles the 80s as only “Idol” can: cheezily, and shockingly well.  And the rest of the stuff can come later.

(*: this is gonna fall under the “you aren’t gonna believe this” department for three people, well ok two, since one of them was there to see the change in person last night … but The Hangout is no longer just The Hangout.  Oh no!  It’s new and improved!!!  At least with its name. 

I thought it was totally appropriate that as Katie parked the car, we were talking about “The Night the Sh*t Hit the Fan” from back in 2009 … reminiscing on the debacle that was that evening, a debacle on every level, at every location it went down, one of them being The Hangout … and wouldn’t you know it?  The Hangout is now called … wait for it … hang on – Dusty, Kellie?  Make sure you don’t have any liquid in your mouth, and put down the glass, because you’re about to laugh out loud – The Hangout is now called, in printed form on its welcoming sign … “DJ’s Hangout”.  I immediately busted out laughing, as did Katie.  I get that nobody other than the four of us will get why this is funny … but trust me, it’s hysterical.  Anyways, on with the recap!)

Have to admit up front, I cheated this week and read Slezak’s recap at TVLine.  Because if last night had been awful, (a) Slezak would have written how awful it was, and (b) I could just skip “Idol” and get on to “Smash” and “The Little Show That Could (for Nine Years of Horrendous “Draft Nathan Scott” Jokes Out of Me)”.  To say nothing of the fact that the Royals first pitch is now 26 ½ hours away, and I haven’t posted a friggin prediction piece yet.  But Slezak rated all but two performances as at least a B- … and when I saw Colton (this site’s rubber chicken in the competition) was covering not one, but TWO of my absolute top 100ish favorite songs of all time?  I have to recap it.

Dim the lights, here we go, opening with … Deandre, who, if there is a God, will be going home tonight.  He’s covering Debarge’s “I Like It”.  This week’s guest mentors are Gwen Stefani and Toni Kamal of No Doubt, by the way.

Here we go.  (julie “the chenbot” voice) BUT FIRST!  Let me say, “The Voice of Reason” and I are completely split on this season.  I am digging Season 11 of “Idol”, while Gregg is about one more episode away from pulling the plug on his auto-record.  Sometimes, reputable minds … ok, reputable mind, since I’ve never been accused of being reputable … can disagree.  I think this has been my favorite season since season six at this point. 

Now here we go.  And this is pretty damned good.  Deandre’s problem … is that he SOUNDS great, but looks atrocious.  Seriously, cue up a Deandre performance on Youtube!, or watch a live or recorded “Idol”, and close your eyes while he performs.  Not half bad, right?  Then open your eyes, and in the words of Scooby Doo, ZOINKS!  No wonder “The Voice” is popular.

JLo: “I like it a lot!”  I concur, that was good.  Steven: “totally captivating!  I forgot where I was!”  I think it’s the booze Stevo, I think it’s the booze.  Randy: “this kid has arrived!”  I wouldn’t go that far … but that was by far and away his best performance, and I’d at least debate hitting “buy” for $1.29 on iTunes this weekend.  Put it this way – if the person I think is the worst remaining contestant delivered THAT to open the show (aka “the slot at this point in the competition the person the producers want to go home gets”)?  We’re in for a great night.

(Update: Deandre was sent home.  Probably deservedly so.  But when this kid finishes eighth?  Your talent pool is ridiculously deep.  He'd have faced Crystal in season nine's final, that's how awful season nine was.)

Elise up next, covering Foreigner’s “I Wanna Know What Love Is”.  I hate this song.  But to her credit, this isn’t half bad.  This is nowhere near as good as her Led Zeppelin cover last week … but that’s a virtually impossible to top performance.  Scratch that – its unraveling as she hits verse two, and descending rapidly down the hill to the land known as “Bottom Three”.  And sweet Jesus, WHAT IS WITH THAT DRESS?!?!  Christ, cut the sleeve off already!  That’s so hideous, God will forgive me someday for using his son’s name in vane twice in the previous three sentences.

Steven: “not sure if that song was the right song for you tonight”.  JLo: “you look beautiful tonight”.  The kiss of death.  Randy: “for me … its one of the greatest songs ever”.  Wait, WHAT?!?!  This song is ATROCIOUS!  Almost as atrocious as RJ’s red polka dot shirt.  “It was out of tune everywhere for me”.  I can’t believe I’m about to type this … but R-Dog is right.

Duet time!  One of my absolute FAVORITE country songs of all time, written by Barry Gibb, performed by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton, “Islands in the Stream”!  Tonight, its Colton and Skylar.  And dear Lord, Colton’s hair tonight looks worse than mine the night of my unfortunate incarceration in the Wyandotte County prison eight years ago.  Fortunately, his voice is much better than whatever that thing on his head is.  It looks like my old dog Phogger laid down and died on his head, that’s the color he’s got.  And that is NOT a good thing.  (Side rant: I miss Phogger.  I really miss Priest, but I miss Phogger.  Every night, she slept on the short couch next to the back deck, and “slept” is a misnomer, because whenever someone would stumble out for some water at 3am, she’d immediately start panting, barking, anything to get your attention, because all she wanted was someone to come over and rub her tummy, so she’d flop on her back, raise all four paws up, and let you rub her tummy for as long as you wanted to.  And then get mad when you stopped.  She was (hugh hefner voice) something really special.)

Back to the performance, and damn if I’m not digging this!  God bless it, is Skylar growing on me.  This chick has SICK talent.  Wow.  Just, wow.  That was very, very good!  Randy: “yo!  Wow!”  “I actually enjoyed that!”  JLo: “It was perfect!”  Steven: “match made in heaven!  Showed your individuality as great artists”.  I can’t believe I’m about to type this … but I agree with Steven.  That was REALLY good.  Definitely worth the $1.29 investment on iTunes.

Phillip Phillips up next, covering Genesis’ “That’s All”.  Another song I hate.  And I am calling it right now with the camera close-up as he goes to the chorus: the kid is f*cking STONED!  (pause)  ATTAKID!!!!

A completely forgettable performance, but won’t get him booted, so let’s discuss the obvious: is this kid the front-runner?  He’s number one on EW’s power poll this week (probably deservedly so), and Slezak thinks he’s a shoo-in for a homecoming (aka “top three”) … really?  Can a DMB wanna-be actually WIN this thing?  Jason Castro crapped out in fourth in season six.  I think that’s about where Phil will go out too … but we’ll see.

Steven: “keep that up”.  JLo: “you know how much I love you”.  Kiss.  Of.  Death.  Not one word of constructive criticism.  Randy: apparently Phil’s brother was playing guitar.  That’s cool.  “I loved it!”

Hollie and Deandre covering “I’m So Excited” by the Pointer Sisters next … and come on, how can ANYONE in the 20-40ish age bracket hear this song and NOT think of Jessie Spano’s meltdown on “Saved By The Bell”?  If Hollie actually sings “I’m so excited!  I’m so excited!  I’m so … scared!”, I might literally piss my pants.  It won’t happen … but it’d be EPIC if it did.

I gotta admit, I’m clapping along, this is DAMNED good!  Please, “Idol”, tonight?  Give us “We Are The World”.  PLEASE!  There is NOTHING more 1980s than “We Are The World”.  Other than maybe this song.

“I want to squeeze you, please you, I just can’t get enough / And if you move real slow?  I’ll let it go …”

“I know, I know, I know, I know, I want to – I want you!”  God I love when this show glorifies casual sex and/or prostitution!!! 

THAT was enjoyable!  Steven: “that was a beautiful duet!”  Agreed.  JLo to Hollie: “you need to do more of that”.  Completely agreed.  Let it loose girl!  Randy: “very, very, very, very nice!”  Yes, he said very four times.  With two more at the end – “very nice, very impressive”.  To think this man earned more in two hours last night, than I earn in a couple years.

Josh up next, Simply Red’s “If You Don’t Know Me By Now”.  I love the original by Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes, hate Simply Red’s remake.  And he’s doing the original, SWEET! 

Gotta admit – I’m DIGGING the pimp suit.  Uum, not that I went dressed as a pimp two Halloween’s ago.  (I went as “God’s Gift To Women” this past Halloween, right down to wearing a “Price is Right” type contestant’s badge that said “To: Women  From: God”.  You’re damned right I am!)  Performance?  OK.  Typical Joshua Ledet – oversung, overwrought, safe to the next week. 

Randy: drops SIX straight “crazy”’s.  JLo: “Lord, Lord, Lord, Lordy, Lordy!”  Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweety, sweety Jesus girl, it wasn’t “spectacular”, it was “mediocre”.  Steven: “over the top”.  Yup.  Although Steven meant it as a compliment.  Randy: “you SANG it dude!”  Of COURSE he did.  And he drops the “Joshua’s gotta have it!” blast.  Excuse me, a wall is requesting my head be bashed against it.

Next up, “The Sanchize”, doing “How Will I Know” by Whitney.  I have high hopes for this.  And no, I have not been smoking – my dugout is currently “unavailable” due to being left in someone else’s car.

Here’s what I like about “The Sanchize” – she’s having a blast on stage.  She’s got a tremendous voice, by far and away the best in this competition.  Excuse me, since its Masters Week, this (hootie johnson voice) toonumunt.  Here’s what I DON’T like about her, and it was my same bitch about Scotty last year – she does the same godd*mned song EVERY.  F*CKING.  WEEK!  We get it – you can cover a diva.  How about you show us some range honey?  How about you show us an ability to cover multiple genres, which is what USED to define how you won this damned toonumunt? 

JLo: “I can’t believe that voice is coming out of that little body!”  Yes, it was good … but it was the same damned thing we heard last week, and the week before, and the week before … Steven: “you’re great”.  Randy: points out he worked on that song.  Excuse me, a cliff is asking me to jump off of it, I might be back in (chuck woolery voice) two and two if I survive the jump.

Elise and Phillip up next covering Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty’s “Stop Draggin My Heart Around”.  Quick random trivia question of the night – who wrote “Free Falling”, arguably Petty’s biggest hit?  Answer coming in a couple paragraphs.

Now THIS is what Elise should be singing.  Ditto Phil.  This is starting out REALLY well.  You know what?  If these two formed a duo?  It wouldn’t be half bad.  Seriously.  These two as a combo plate is a delicious idea to contemplate.  Put it this way – I can absolutely see me (eric church voice) drink a lil’ drink smoke a lil’ smoke at Starlight on a summer night, watching these two perform, and I’d happily pay for the privilege of doing so.  That was good.  If you’re into the “I’m stoned, so just go off on a riff and enjoy it” type of music.  Which, go figure, I am.

Randy: “that was hot!”  JLo: “I want more of that show!”  Agreed!  “It’s one of those things that you hear … that you just get that feeling, when you hear great music, and its sung that great – thank you!”  Steven: “couldn’t have been better”.  Agree on all counts.

(Random Trivia Answer: Stevie Nicks wrote it.  Of COURSE she did.  "Landslide", "Silver Springs", "Free Fallin'", to say nothing of "Don't Stop".  Unreal.)

Hollie up next, covering Irene Cara’s (I’m not Googling to determine the order) first or second major film soundtrack smash, “Flashdance (What a Feeling!)”  (The other being “Fame”). 

Gotta admit, she’s trying too hard.  It sounds ok, but she’s trying too hard.  She’s too tense.  Relax, girl, relax!  You have an incredible voice.  If you are voted out tonight, you’ll get saved by the judges, you’re that talented.  RELAX!  Have some self confidence for crying out loud!  You’re not a 35 year old blogger in south KC read by 11 people who’s trying to grow a scruffy appearance to pick up chicks more easily.  (That would be me!) 

Steven: “pitch was all over the place”.  Yup.  That was a disaster.  JLo: “let it go”.  Exactly!  Relax!  Have FUN!  “It felt like you didn’t release, can’t let go”.  Yup.  “Stop thinking, feel it, let it go”.  Bango!  Randy: “you have the talent, that’s why we say this to you.  You have the talent”.  Yes she does.  I like this girl.  But R-Dog’s right – she’s overthinking this.  Relax.  Have fun.  An inability to do so killed my season seven rubber chicken (Matt Giraud) at least two weeks too soon.  Would hate to see that happen to a talented chick like Hollie this year.

And cue “The Sanchize” and Josh doing “I Knew You Were Waiting for Me” by George Michael and Aretha.  Gotta admit – I actually like this song.  Do it justice girl.

Oy.  That was ok.  I’m fast forwarding, because there’s only two performances left, and they’re my two favorite contestants – Colton and Skylar.  Only back up – Jlo just said “you slayed that!”  Close enough.  Yes, yes they did – in the kitchen, with the candlestick, and damn if Miss White don’t look guilty!

Colton doing “Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper.  In the interest of full disclosure, if I’m feeling down and need an excuse to cry and feel better?  I cue up Javier’s audition doing this song on“The Voice” last year.  That’s the gold standard of this song.  Gonna be tough to even come within 90 feet of Javier’s version, let alone reach the (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base he’s standing on.

Here we go.  First verse isn’t “Piano Man” good, but its good.  Second verse better.  Hang on, I’m biased – I’m rewatching this to see if my opinion changes at all.

Second time through … I feel the same way.  It was good … but not epic.  It’s almost like he held back too much as the song went along?  Look it, this puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken is my favorite “Idol” contestant since Blaker five years ago (and he’s in my top five ever, along with Elliott Yamin, Diana DiGarmo, and Kimberly Locke), but that was underwhelming.  The ending was eight degrees of awful – why slow it down?  I liked the rock vibe he was going for.  Why suddenly slow it down before you hit the finale? 

He has a tremendous stage presence.  Its obvious he’s rocking out with his hawk out up there – enjoying the hell out of the experience.  But dude?  Sometimes, you overthink things.  That was tonight’s effort.

Only Steven is clapping.  Randy and JLo look disappointed.  Steven: “you could do a record right now”.  Agreed.  JLo: backhanded praise.  Randy lumps him in with Phil and Josh.  He meant it as a compliment … but it’s appropriate – all three were “blah” efforts.  This better not get him booted – this wasn’t Stefano covering “Closer” awful like last year … but that was NOT his best effort.

Finally, Skylar, covering “Wind Beneath My Wings”.  Whoa!  THIS is a risk!  THIS is rolling the dice!  A country girl taking on Bette Midler!  I can’t WAIT to see how this plays out …

Here’s what I DIG about Skylar – she’s completely self-confident.  She genuinely believes (at least, watching her perform) that she can pull anything off.  Having said that … THIS is why she looks like that.  Sweet f*cking Jesus, that rocked!  And I HATE this song!  Dammit, do we have to switch rubber chickens mid stream?  What say you, “Stevo’s Site Numero Dos” Official Dog?  (zeus voice) (no bark)  OK, we stick with Colton.  But – but – I’m keeping an eye on this girl.  THAT was awesome!  

Wait ... you just want to make sure that rubber chicken doesn't wind up back on the roof, don't you champ?  (zeus voice) bark!  bark bark bark!  bark!

I hate to go there, but I’m going to – that was Jordin covering “Broken Wing”.  That was Carrie nailing “Alone”.  (And in the “non-winners that got ROBBED” category, that was Crystal* drilling “Midnight Train to Georgia”**.  THAT was the performance that separates Skylar from the pack, the “holy f*cking sh*t!” moment when a middle-of-the-packer emerges.

(*: seriously, HOW DID SHE NOT WIN THIS EFFING TOONUMUNT?!?!?!)

(**: last night at DJ’s Hangout … began at the Eclipse.  Some band that was really good was on stage, only it was so crowded we wound up leaving after a couple songs.  (And deservedly crowded – the chick in this band was awesome.  Wish I could remember the name of it.)  I heard her do two songs, one original.  The other?  “Midnight Train to Georgia”.  I can honestly say, the best version of that song I’ve ever heard … was Crystal’s.  Even better than the original.  Last night?  Conjured up memories of Crystal’s epic cover.  And that is just about the highest compliment I can pay a singer, since Crystal was the Top Five Idol Performer booted for Colton.  “Midnight” is a ridiculous tough song to cover, because EVERYONE knows it.  This chick last night had me feeling (jlo voice) goosies, she was that good.  Hope to hear her again in the near future, whoever she was, that one song was that damned solid.)

Randy: “this is your best performance on the show … unbelievable!  Amazing!”  Yup.  JLo: “you know what you just said to America with that performance?  DO!  NOT!  COUNT!  ME!  OUT!”  Also notes that she just took on something well outside of her comfort zone.  BANGO!  Steven: “that was the beginning of a great career”.  BANGO!

I hate to disagree with my self-appointed "Voice of Reason" ... but the state of "American Idol" is strong.  Any of these seven contestants left can deservedly pull this off (albeit some less deservedly so than others).  I can't wait to see how this season plays out, right champ?  (zeus voice) bark!  bark bark bark!  bark!

post 400! ai top 5: unchained perfection

Well, it’s probably fitting that post number 400 … is an Idol recap.

I mean, the two things I’ve written the most about are the Chiefs and Idol. So one of the two had to be number 400. Glad things worked out well.

Tonight, it’s “Now and Then” night, as each of the remaining five contestants will perform a current hit song, and a song from the 1960s. Everyone in the blogosphere is geeked up about this, but I’m not. I honestly think tonight is going to be half a trainwreck. I’m just not sure which half is going to suck ass – the “now” or the “then”. Because what 1960s music has to do with today, I have no idea. But hell, let’s find out.

According to some leaked rumors, we’re going to have covers of Carrie Underwood and Jordin Sparks tonight. Uuh, if you’re gonna cover two former winners of this competition, you’d better bring your A game.

Well, it wouldn’t be an Idol top five show without Randy Jackson asking “who’s in it to win it”. Hell, it wouldn’t be an Idol audition round without Randy Jackson asking “who’s in it to win it”. I need more Randy Jackson commentary in my life like osama bin ladin needs a bullet in his head (rimshot!) And no, I’m not gonna lay off mocking that fucking cunt’s demise (and nope, I’m not editing either word, it is what he is. Excuse me, was! Was! Thank God he’s now only talked about in past tense language!!!) I see absolutely nothing wrong with celebrating the death of evil in our time. Hang on, let me grab another beer just to celebrate that fucker with two bullets in the brain!!!

(Hey, our first side note of the night! And it’s this: I joke about whizzing on john elway’s tombstone someday (ok, that’s not really a joke, but work with me here). Whatever I might say inflammatory about sports people or teams I don’t like, or politicians I can’t stand … let me be one hundred percent clear: every statement I ever make about that dead bastard currently being crapped out by multiple sharks in the Arabian Sea, I mean every damned word of it. I often joke that “the English language has not yet invented a word to describe how much I hate the denver broncos” (again, ok, so that’s not really a joke, but work with me here). You can be DAMNED sure the English language has never invented a word to describe how I feel about “shark shit”, as he’ll now be known on this site. “shark shit”. I’d love to go on MSNBC and describe him in that fashion. “Uuh, yeah, Rachel, when the brave SEALS went in and put two bullets in the dome of “shark shit”, I couldn’t have been prouder”. Admit it, “shark shit”, it fits. It’s catchy. And it totally glosses over the absolute outrage that giving “shark shit” a “proper Muslim burial” was. He’s now “shark shit”. Done and done. Back to Idol before I set a record for “most unedited four letter bombs dropped in a post, and we just hit page two in Word” …)

Hey, we have a Sheryl Crow sighting! And she’s our guest mentor this week! That doesn’t suck.

First up, my rubber chicken in this competition, James Durbin. Covering Jordan Catalano … excuse me, Jared Leto, and Thirty Seconds From Mars “Closer to the Edge”. And yes, I am fully aware that probably nobody outside of me that is reading this even knows that Jared Leto played Jordan Catalano on a tremendous yet short lived TV show fifteen years ago.

Honestly? I hate this song. But if anyone can make it redeemable, it’s my rubber chicken. So let’s see how this goes.

Uuh, the outfit is, in the words of Charles Barkley, turrible. Not a fan of the initial vocals either. Tino might have to call you out on that (and if you know the Tino reference, then you totally dug Jordan back in the day! (crickets chirping …))

The audience interaction isn’t helping. And there’s the yelp. Sorry, gotta do it. (zeus voice) bark! bark bark! Sory Zeuser, your rubber chicken has a better chance of falling off the roof than this does of getting a positive Steve review.

Steven says he “kicked that song’s ass” and he’s “ready for Freddy”. Oy. Jennifer tells him to “take it”. Randy says he’s “in it to win it! He wants it Ryan, he wants it!” I … I got nothing. That was terrible. My ears are bleeding.

Next up? Jacob. Oy. Better grab some cotton balls, the ears probably won’t stop bleeding after he aborts Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown’s “No Air”.

Rehearsal was awful. The intro’s even worse. And what’s with the “clouds” on the floor? Good Lord, please, someone say he “killed this”, because he did, with the candlestick, in the bathroom, and there’s no doubt Mr. Green is guilty. He is completely off key, his outfit is hideous, and dear God, if I have to sit through the judges comments, I’m gonna need Mrs. Peacock to take the rope and strangle me. We’re moving on, to Lauren covering Carrie Underwood doing “Flat on the Floor”. Gonna be honest: I’ve never heard this before, but if anyone can nail Carrie, it’s our (almost) 17 year old diva, right? (crickets chirping …)

Jimmy’s fired up for this. That’s usually a good sign. And it certainly is through the first verse, this is actually pretty solid. Although the creepy dude with the violin next to her is, uuh, creepy.

OK, I gotta say it – creepy dude with violin has a friggin sweatband on his left leg. Uuh … sorry, gotta drop it.

(peter griffin voice) if having a mustache makes me gay, then Freddie Mercury was gay.

Yeah, let’s just move on with the performance.

Which is rock damn solid. (steve avoiding federal charges voice) she’s only 16 … she’s only 16 …

I’d give that an A- at worst. Phenomenal. And I am not a fan of country. Randy nails it, “this direction I agree with 100 percent”. Next up? Scotty, doing “Gone” by Montgomery Gentry. Christ, God forbid this guy do one damned song that isn’t country. This is ridiculous, seriously. Josh Gracin is 50 times more talented than this guy, and he was booted early because all he did was country. Scotty? Celebrated for it. You’d better knock this out of the proverbial park champ, and I’m talking (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base.l

Typical puff piece intro. And this is horrid. Apparently Scotty thinks leaping off the stage at a big moment in the song can save this performance. It can’t champ, it can’t. This song is as gone as your frontrunner status. And my eardrums – I think Professor Plum bashed them in with the lead pipe in the conservatory.

I refuse to listen to the three idiot judges fellate this. Last up in round one, everyone’s favorite underdog doing … an unreleased Lady Gaga track? (brian griffin voice) what the hell?!?!

You know what? Not gonna lie. This has sick potential, if only to further her future career as the “main performer” at the “Outback”.

(Side Note Numero Dos: congrats to the Kansas Senate today, in a rare display of common sense and, you know, actually living up to “conservative” principles, in refusing to vote to regulate the adult entertainment industry within the state lines. I don’t know much, but I do know this: you can NEVER go wrong with a trip to the “Outback”. So long as the “waitresses” are not encumbered by ridiculous state regulations from the “party of personal freedom”. As Al Pacino noted in “Scent of a Woman”, “what a crock of sh*t!” conservative politicans are. Personal freedom, my ass. OK, back to our future featured “waitress” in a must-reach-second-f*cking-base performance …)

Well, I’ll give her this – she opens by lying on the stairs. And yes, in the words of one of the funniest t-shirts I’ve seen in a while, a pic of a golf ball, a putter, and the ball is on the edge of the cup, “I’d tap that”. Plus the opening vocal is rock solid. Dear God, can she actually win this thing?!?!

We have a frontrunner for best performance of the night, and this is it. This is phenomenally good! I’m totally digging the curly hair. “Something about baby, you and I!” Lady GaGa better release this as a single, it’s that damned good!

And as totally expected, the judges back the bus up and run over her carcass, because clearly, the hottest chick in the competition who’s also the second best vocal at this point (most nights), has no business advancing. JLo is somewhat complimentary “love the way you sounded” but questions doing a Lady Ga Ga unreleased track. Go f*ck yourself JLo. Randy trashes her saying it “wasn’t that great” and “why do a song people don’t know”. Gee, I don’t know, you only made Blake bend over and do “This Is My Now” to end season six Randy. Can’t imagine why you’d make a damned good performer do something America hasn’t heard. Tyler is incoherent. You know what judges: go f*ck yourselves. That was damned good. And America knows it. Your dream Scotty / Lauren final ain’t gonna happen, because just like in season six, when you creamed your pants in top 11 night dreaming of a Melinda / LaKisha final, America has ears, and we’re gonna do our damndest to get the best two vocalist left into the final. And those would be Haley and James. Or just like season seven, when pathetic Danny Gokey milked his dead wife worse than a desperate dairy farmer milks his prized calf, we’re gonna get the final we deserve. And anyone who doesn’t see it should be Haley v James is out of their mother f*cking mind.

Hey, now it’s round two! The songs of the 60s! More my type of music, let’s hope this works out well. Not that I was raised on this …

First up, James, covering Harry Nilsson’s “Without You”. I thought this was done in the early 70s but what the hell, let’s hope it’s good enough to get my rubber chicken off the proverbial roof and into the Final Four.

And he’s coming unhinged in rehearsal. Look it I like this song. (Although “Everybody’s Talkin” is Harry Nilsson’s finest hour). But for God’s sake, it’s not that emotional of a song. I mean, Mariah Carey completely defecated on it with her remake back in the mid 1990s, it doesn’t deserve 90 straight seconds of crying.

OK, we’re fifteen seconds into the performance, and as someone who’s about to text 1-866-IDOLS06 for the next ten minutes … really? This is pathetic. His vocal is good, but he’s already starting to lose it emotionally. I mean, there’s only two songs that bring me to tears. “Same Auld Lang Sine” by Dan Fogelberg, the saddest song ever written, and “Perfect Memory” by Remy Zero. And I sure as all hell would never perform either song in a national singing competition, because, again, I’m guaranteed to cry when I hear it. Oy. I do not want to lose my rubber chicken up onto the roof, with Zeuser barking at it, with nine friggin episodes to go.

And … he’s rallying.

Like that he took it down an octave as he hit the chorus. And raised it as the chorus goes on. You know what, that wound up fairly decent. Other than being in tears as the song ended. Good f*cking God, don’t pick a song that emotional. At the risk of reliving the 2008 Democratic primary, I gotta say it: “borrow Hillary’s pair champ”.

Apparently his family members are crying too, so I’m probably being too harsh. I’m guessing recent death in the family. But for God’s sake. I don’t watch this show for emotion. I watch it for quality, for perfection, for that David Cook “Hello” moment, that Blake Lewis “You Give Love a Bad Name” moment. Randy fellates him. Steven points out the pitch was awful, but praises the emotion. No, this is not an emotional show, it’s a singing show. I’m gonna toss this out there – James is in trouble tomorrow night. I’m not happy about it, but it’s reality.

Next up: Jacob doing “Love Hurts”. Scratch that “James is in trouble” line – this is gonna be a catastrophe, and Jacob is headed home, calling it right now.

Uum … “the English language has not yet come up with a word to describe how much I hate this”. He opens with a f*cking harp. And his vocals are horrendous. Wow, my eardrums just got killed again, this time by Mr. Green with the thimble. Wait, the thimble was Monopoly. Hell this is so bad, the two games conspired to end it.

If Jacob does not go home tomorrow, I will streak buck ass naked at the first pool get together of the summer. And note that there is no (mark promise) voice in there. I will back this one up by exposing my white ass bum to the sun. He is that awful tonight. (every girl that knows steve texting 1=866-IDOLS07 … at least in my dreams …)

Next up? Lauren covering Simon Cowell’s “favorite song”, “Unchained Melody” by the Righteous Brothers. Just once, I wish someone on this show would cover my favorite song by them, “Rock and Roll Heaven”. Because yes, you know they got one helluva band!

Here we go.

Holy God. This is phenomenally good! This is her Idol moment. As a fan of this song, I’m just gonna say it: this is the best version of this song I have EVER heard a chick do. This is abject perfection. Hang on, for the first time tonight …

(steve) (rewinding dvr …)
(steve) (replaying performance …)

Incredible. She’s really only 16?!?! That was Grammy worthy! I absolutely am buying this iTunes this week. That was PHENOMENALLY good! If she wins this thing, this performance is what vaulted her to the win. That was INCREDIBLE!!! Hang on, one more time …

(steve) (rewinding dvr …)
(steve) (replaying performance …)

Holy crap, that might be the best performance on this show since Kris Allen nailed “Heartless” in Idol’s top three two years ago. That was beyond incredible. That was pantheon level! I’ve said it before, I’ll say it now: I don’t need judges comments to let me know when I witness (reggie jackson voice) “second f*cking base”. That was awesome. With a f*cking capital A! Hang on, one more time …

(steve) (rewinding dvr …)
(steve) (replaying performance …)

Seriously, that is in the top 20 Idol performances ever. Somebody got booted by that. Christ, I still have goose bumps. That was beyond epic. Beyond epic! That borders on perfection. Hell, it might cross the perfection line. It was that damned good. For the first time all season, I wish Simon was judging, it was that epic. Because Simon would be verbally fellating this even more than I am. That was EPIC! In a “you can bet your ass I’d just hand over the credit card to watch this chick perform this live!” kind of way. Again, if she wins this thing in four weeks, THIS performance is why. God above. Absolutely perfect.

(And yes, I’m still rewinding and replaying and stalling for time here …)

That … was perfection. Screw it, we’re there. That was perfection. That might have been the best 1:40 of listening to music in my life, and I am fully aware that David Cook performed my favorite song of all time (“Innocent” by Our Lady Peace) on this show three years ago (and reached third f*cking base with it). That … was perfection. There’s still two performances to go? Alright, I’ll stop rewinding and move on at this point … if only to get some sleep tonight … because THAT was perfection. THAT was beyond epic. THAT was … perfection.

Good God, Scotty’s following this up with my favorite Willie Nelson song, “You Were Always On My Mind”! I noted when this post began, one half of this would be awful, one half would be epic. As I should have bet, the 60s music part was epic. Excuse me, IS epic. This one should be one for the ages.

(Side Note … I’ve lost track: my actual favorite Willie Nelson song is his cover of Steve Goodman’s classic “City of New Orleans”. Me, “The Voice of Reason”, Jasson, and “Steve Pederson” were fortunate enough to catch Willie live at the Midland not even a month after Katrina. To say that song was emotional that night, is an understatement. I love that friggin city with a passion. So did everyone else there. There ain’t much cooler than 5,000 people singing along remembering NO as it was. “Good morning America, how are you? Pleased to know you, I’m your native son! I’m the train they call, the city of New Orleans …” Sadly, most of the residents back then were “gone 500 miles when the day is done”. I love New Orleans. OK, back to the summary of the performance.)

Love the opening. Love how low key it is. Love how understated the whole first verse is. But he doesn’t match it opening the chorus. But he TOTALLY nails the bridge! Dammit, I wish he’d had an extra 30 seconds when he hit the bridge. I’m guessing the iTunes download will rock the house. Because he totally had the song going in the perfect right direction. Where double performance night screws you, and this is Exhibit 1. If he’d had an extra 30 seconds, this might have rivaled Lauren.

Finally, Haley, covering one of my top 30 songs ever, “The House of the Rising Sun” by Eric Burton and the Animals. I pray she doesn’t defecate on this like Green Day and U2 did for the Saints “return home” in 2006.

Because this song is that f*cking awesome.

She opens this Adele style … and I am beyond digging this. I am totally fired up at this point. Rock on chica! “And God, I know, I’m one” Beyond awesome opening.

Phenomenally good. Phenomenally good. I would absolutely pay $1.29 on iTunes for this. Very good.

Best performance: Lauren, “Unchained Melody”.
Worst performance: pick a Jacob production.
Going home: Jacob, if there is a God, he was that awful.

idol top 6: i definitely love me some tomorrow!

I should probably admit up front, I am beyond geeked up for Idol this week.

I freaking love Carole King. Love, love, love her music. You will never convince me a greater cd than “Tapestry” has ever been recorded. Because it hasn’t been. This woman is beyond legendary (and still damned good live as well). I am beyond geeked up for this.

In the words of the late, great Marvin Gaye, “let’s get it on!”

A horrendous Seacrest intro. Is he feeling threatened by the initial ratings success of “The Voice”? I think he is! Because this was a needless 90 seconds out of my life. Although I did just pound a beer, so maybe it was worth it. Reminds me – tonight’s recap liquid refreshment? Budweiser. What can I say, it was on sale. $8.99 for a 12 pack! You’re damned right I bought four of those suckers.

And the only response I have to Jacob’s outfit is, in my best George Takei voice impersonation: “Oh my”.

Damn, they inserted Taylor Hicks into the opening montage of winners. I liked it better when Daughtry was in the photo spread.

Brad Garrett in the house. Seacrest working the crowd, notes “we need that energy! We want that energy! We like that energy!” Christ, is this a workout show, or a singing competition?

Seacrest promises another “90 minutes of outstanding music”. Uuh, yeah, right.

Seacrest expresses shock that a cd by Carole King and James Taylor can top the charts in 2011. Ryan? Quality ALWAYS rises to the top. And you don’t get much better than Carole King and James Taylor.

Babyface is our guest mentor this week. Put it this way – he could show up with a 40oz, a joint, bloodshot eyes, and two ladies of the night under each arm while reeking of cigarettes and urine, and he’d STILL be a one thousand percent improvement over Will I Am.

Jacob up first. He’s doing “Oh No, Not My Baby”. Rehearsal is a trainwreck, and that’s putting it politely. It’s more like my nephew grabbing Thomas and friends and dropping them off the bridge then saying “look Teve, they fall!”

Wow. I’ll just leave the opening at that. Wow. Actually I won’t leave it at that – if Jacob Lusk isn’t evicted tonight, (mark promise voice) I will streak buck ass naked around the streets of south KC. This isn’t horrific, but it is certainly not terrific. Maybe terrify-ific. It’s bad folks. It’s really bad. He’s out of tune, he totally botched the transition to the chorus, and that outfit, Jesus, he looks like a poor man’s hobo. Not even the clowns employed by Chuck E. Cheese would wear that.

Steven: “about time you shook your tailfeathers. That was beautiful!” Then this gem: “when you strut like that, that’s the magic”. Really, this man makes more in an hour of work each week, than I earn in a year.
JLo: “you killed it”. Yup, with the rope, in the library. Not sure if it was Miss White or Miss Scarlet though.
Randy: “the skatting was incredible”. Hopes America will “give you some votes so you can stick around baby”. Hang on, I need another frosty cold one. If this insane judicial fellating continues, I might plow through all 48 cans before I reach the final performance.

Lauren after the break, meeting Miley Cyrus. Can someone page Colonel Mustard, because I’m ready for a lead pipe to the side of my head in the study.

She’s doing “Where You Lead”. Good choice. Good song for her. God bless it this girl has a voice. “She was so nice. She gave me such great advice”. Her advice? Be yourself. Good Lord, I could have told you that for far less than whatever Ms. Cyrus just made in royalties and appearance fees.

Here we go. And I gotta say, Lauren is starting to take on the Jordin Sparks “where the hell did this girl come from” contender status. I’m just saying.

(brian griffin voice) what the hell? She just pulled some random dude out of the front row onto the stage to tell him that “where you lead, I will follow”. Which is neat and all, I mean, Courtney Cox owes her entire career to Springsteen picking her out of the front row in the “Dancing in the Dark” video. But if you’re gonna use a tool like this as a prop, for Christ’s sake, sing at HIM, not the judges! She finally sits down next to the dude, who’s wearing a completely goofy ass grin on his face, and if you just watched the last fifteen seconds, you know why. I guaran-damn-tee you he knows what color she’s wearing. That was a wonderful moment, in a “whoa, this is illegal in all 50 states, the District, and all six territories … ok, maybe not the District” kind of way.

Outstanding performance. I’d give it a solid B+. The judges of course will overrate it, but what the hell, this girl has talent.

Let’s just say, Lauren’s mom didn’t look too happy about that “performance” she put on for that guy in the last 30 seconds. Me? I had no complaints. Anytime an attractive female wants to “shake her tailfeather” in my face, I’m cool with it.

JLo says she was great. Randy says she came out with “some extra swagger”, and notes “each time could be the last time, or could be the next time”. Way to hedge the bets there RJ. I have absolutely no f*cking clue what Steven was attempting to say, something about dartboards and character. Possibly with a rubber chicken tossed in.

Our first duet after the break, Haley and Casey. Doing “I Feel The Earth Move”. Intriguing. Casey says he likes “growling with (Haley)”. Here’s a $50, get a room for an hour and just do it already. Can’t wait to see how he handles the line in this song “I’ve just got to have your baby”. If they sing it that far out.

Oh yeah, they sang it! Talk dirty to me!

This is surprisingly enjoyable. It’s horrific vocally, but it’s damned entertaining. And look at Casey, breaking out his best Blake Lewis beat box impersonation! That was a thoroughly enjoyable segment! Two gigantic thumbs up!

Steven calls Casey “weird beard”, calls out his crush on Haley. “I don’t want to speak for everybody here, but I will”. Ha! I agree with Steven, there wasn’t anything about that I didn’t like. Agreed, nothing but good. Apparently he’s our only judge.

“Scotty the Body” next. Come on. That’s awful Ryan, and you know it.

Scotty upset that the judges call him on doing nothing but country. Doing “You Got a Friend”. This could be really good. Or really awful. (Thanks Randy).

Jimmy calls this the “most romantic song he’s tried to sing yet”. What, “Swingin” wasn’t romantic enough? Here we go.

Wow. That was phenomenally good. I did NOT see that coming. For once, he didn’t sound like a country star. That was phenomenally good! I would absolutely pay to watch THAT Scotty McCreery in concert.

Randy says he “turned the other cheek from last week”. I have no idea what Randy’s criticism was about, that song was flawless. “Scotty’s in it to win it Steven!” No …
Steven: incomprehensible.
JLo: absolute nonsense. (horrific mtv game show voice) Next!

And next would be … my pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken in this competition, James. And he’s doing my favorite Carole King song, “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow”. I hope he does this like Carole King did on “Tapestry” and goes more acapella and stripped down than the Shirelles version, or any other version out there. This song effing rocks. Especially for the throwaway line “can I … believe … the magic of your sighs …” that never fails to slay me, in that it comes at the end of reflecting on a night of passion. Sighs / size. Kills me. God I love quality music. Too bad nobody other than Usher does that in top 40 today.

Here we go.

Holy God, the first verse. That might be the best 30 seconds this show has broadcast in three years. And now he goes uptempo for the rest of the song. And I am totally digging this. Wow. That … that was the best performance of the season so far, and nothing else has even come close. That was f*cking amazing!!! Hang on …

(steve) (hitting rewind button)
(steve) (rewatching performance for awhile …)

I don’t need the judges critiques. I know (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base when I see it. Next up, a group duet with Lauren and Scotty that, I gotta admit, I want to skip. But they’re doing another instant classic, “Up On The Roof”. I’ll give it a try.

And … it wasn’t half bad. I’m rapidly speeding through the judges comments because the NFL draft is about to begin, and I want to get this damned thing done already. Casey up next doing “Hi De Ho”. He will completely roo-een this song.

Although he opens in a fedora, I’m cool with that. Going for a bluesey version, I’m cool with that too. This is surprisingly decent. And he chucks the fedora into the crowd. Bad Casey. Fedoras rule. Decent ending to boot. He’s safe. Again, fast forwarding, NFL draft awaits. Next up, Haley.

Doing “Beautiful”, a very overlooked track on “Tapestry”. Probably because it’s right after the opening trio of awesome “It’s Too Late”, “I Feel The Earth Move” and “So Far Away”, and right before “You’ve Got a Friend”.

And this is about as forgettable a performance as imaginable. Although I do want to give “Idol” some credit here – by sticking at 90 minutes even after dropping to 6, they gave the contestants enough time to perform the entire song. That’s a trend that needs to continue.

The pick is in: Cam Newton, one of the sleaziest college players to ever come down the pike, will be robbing Jerry Richardson and the Panthers blind for the next couple years. Thanks again NCAA, for refusing to enforce your rules and regulations, and allowing a sh*tbag like this to earn millions of dollars by abusing you. The NCAA is nothing more than a pathetic whore in a rundown motel at this point, stunned when some perp beats her senseless and walks out without paying. They’re the best.

One performance to go, James and Jacob doing “I’m Into Something Good”. I’m guessing this won’t be something good. And it’s not. This is the worst performance of the night, and that’s saying something, given how ear-drum busting awful Jacob was on his solo.

Best of the night: James. Absolutely James.
Worst of the night: Jacob. Absolutely Jacob.
Bottom three: Jacob, Haley, Casey.
Going Home: Jacob.

ai top 7: beyond awful

Turn up the lights, crank the surround sound, it’s American Idol Top 7 night!!!

Singing “Songs of the 2000s”. If ANY week so far this year promised a train wreck of Biblical proportions, this one has to be it.

Let’s do this.

But before we do, here’s how I rate the contestants remaining, from “Vote This Person Home Immediately” to “I Wanna See Streamers Flying at the Nokia Theater in Six Weeks When This Person Wins!” status.

7. Casey.
6. Haley.
5. Scotty.
4. Jacob.
3. Lauren.
2. James.
1. Stefano.

I am fully aware Stefano has no shot at winning this thing. I am also fully aware he’s probably going home tonight, regardless of how he performed in this recap coming up. But he’s still my rooster / puppy / pony / rubber chicken in this competition. Loved him in the Top 24, and sticking with him now. Which means there’s at least one non “13 to 16 year old girl” that digs this guy.

We lead tonight’s proceedings off with Scotty McCreery, doing LeAnn Rimes’ cover of (I think) John Anderson’s “Swingin”. God bless it. I f*cking hate this song. Let’s hope this isn’t as excruciating as I fear it will be.

(Oh, and your “timely” recap today courtesy of “end of bowling league last night”!!! Thanks to Tanner’s, AMF College Lanes, and my genes for getting me so smashed that I had to do the drunk dial to the boss this morning. You guys are the best! And to think, this isn’t even the drunkest night of the week, still got the lovely DJ / KJ reception tomorrow. Again, you guys are the best!!! (steve’s liver voice) the hell they are …)

* What the hell is up with Scotty holding the mic? He’s treating it like a, uuh, phallic symbol. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Having said that, this is TURRIBLE. He drops an octave in verse two, and that actually makes this worse. Not sure why he sat down at the front of the stage either. And the eye raise at the end? (brian griffin voice) what the hell? I’m sure the judges will fellate this, but that was horrendous.

Steven compares it to the Rolling Stones, and wants him to sashay a little more. Christ. JLo loves his story telling quality, but wants him to pull out the big guns and push past his comfort zone. Her way of saying “you done f*cked up champ”. Randy … agrees with JLo. Wants to know who’s “in it to win it”. Good God. Says “I love you” but calls it “boring”. I’m guessing Scotty might hit bottom three tonight after that review and performance.

Next up: James, doing “Uprising” by Muse. Gotta admit, this has potential. Great song, great band, great performer. (Which usually equals “epic train wreck” on this show).

* Loved the walkout with the drummers. Although his vocals through 20 seconds come nowhere close to echoing Muse’s lead’s vocals. I think his name is Matt Bellamy. Not gonna Google it, but that sounds right. Anyways, underwhelming as we hit the chorus.

And the chorus isn’t impressive either … and now he’s letting it go entering verse two. This is much better. Much better.

Uum, take that back. What the f*ck was THAT?!?! I’d call it a screech, but I don’t want to insult Dustin Diamond. Good Lord, that was horrendous. Absolutely horrendous, in a “this might be your shock elimination number two of the season tonight” kind of way.

And JLo having an orgasm over it. I think she’d sleep with Screech. Just a guess. JLo calls it “theatrically the best performance of the night”, “really amazing”, “wow”, and “that’s the highest we’ve ever heard you sing”. Randy describes it better and calls it “crazy”. I’d go with “gut wrenchingly awful”, but that’s just me. And I like this guy, I really do. Once my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken is eliminated, I’m fully on Team James. But that was TURRIBLE. Randy says he “slayed it”. Yup, with a knife, in the conservatory. Not sure if it was Professor Plum or Colonel Mustard. Steven: “you’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap” after advising James to “stay out of my closet”. Jesus I love this show. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Next up: Haley, covering Adele’s “Rolling In The Deep”. Now THIS has potential. In a “now performing on the main stage, Haley, and on the second stage, Breezy. Remember gentleman and ladies, it’s just a buck to let these ladies know how well they’re performing, so what the f*ck! It’s just a buck!” I am long overdue to hit up the “Outback” for a “steak” …

(Which reminds me: two moments last night that won’t be erased from the memory soon. OK, actually three of them. First, when they’re handing out our cash rewards at bowling league last night, DJ drops the “don’t blow it all at the strip club!” blast to Kim, the really awesome lady on another team who is into chicks. Brought the house down. And yes, I absolutely would hit up the “Outback” with Kim, and her life partner Shelly. I think it’d be sweet. Then again, as I pointed out, DJ once bartered “party favors” for “steaks” at that joint … wait, probably shouldn’t use the word “joint” if I’m going for the “figure it out on your own” quotations … anyways, considering he once did that … yeah, not sure where the f*ck I’m going with this, other than I absolutely would hit up the “Outback” with Kim and her partner.

Second, we’ve got this one guy in our league, who if you look up the word “tool” in the dictionary, his picture would be next to it. Rhymes with “Kyle”. Oh wait, that’s his name, forget the “rhymes with” part of that. Anyways, he over-reacts to every shot even worse than I do. So we’re in game three, and by now, we’ve had almost 90 straight minutes of making fun of this guy, when he somehow completely botches his first ball (he’s the only scratch bowler in our league), and then his second ball as well. A couple of completely priceless reactions. So Dusty is up next … and completely mimicks the dude’s movements from his previous frame. Right down to the last second ass twist, trying to get the ball to turn. Brought the house down. It took me a full minute to recover from laughing enough just to grab my ball. So of course, being the “tool” that I am, I attempt to mimick it too. Apparently, it works, because I look back after raising my arms in the touchdown formation, and see DJ and Katie laughing their asses off. Proud of myself, I head back … only to hear “nice throw Skyle!” Now THAT brought the house down. The lesson? I don’t have one. Other than if you can’t laugh at yourself, be prepared for everyone else laughing at you. I know that’s a Steve Rule, just not sure which number it is.

Finally … “deadbeat ex roomie” informed the world on Facebook last night that he became a father for (possibly) the first time last night. Fitting, in that (a) if there’s any person in this world less qualified to be a provider figure for someone that me, it’s him, and (b) born on 420. Perfectly appropriate. That guy stole more from the stash without replacing it than anyone I know. Here’s to hoping the state intervenes and gives this kid a fighting chance.

OK, on to Haley:

* Aw, Jimmy Iovine gets the gratuitous hug. And good f*cking God, is Haley hot tonight or what? Yo, yo, yo dog!!! I’m not joking – is that dress even attached to her upper body? Christ I hope not. And I am dead on accurate! There is no strap holding the upper half of the dress on there! Come on wardrobe malfunction, come on. (dj voice) come on. Everybody’s doing it. Come on …

Sadly, no malfunction … but incredibly, this is a really good performance. She’s spot on nailing the vocals. Good God, can she win this thing? Really? Is America really ready to crown a future Vivid Girl as it’s next Idol? (Let’s hope so).

Upon review, there is a strap holding the dress up. Damn. For sh*ts and giggles, I’m going with “floatation devices” holding the thing in place though.

The audience ate this up. As did I. That was phenomenally good. Randy called it the “perfect direction for you”. Could not agree more, you can absolutely generate a four minute tease out of that song. Steven “(America) likes that feeling, and you got that”. JLo making no sense whatsoever, but hey, we love ya girl.

Next up: Jacob, covering Luther Vandross. Unless this is “One Shining Moment”, I’m gonna boo and possibly toss an empty beer bottle in the general direction of my television.

* Are you effing kidding me? The dude who’s only here because some liberal judge (hooray!) allowed him to bond out of jail, is invoking the dead dad card? For crying out loud. Not even I’m that sleazy. Well, ok, because (hooray!) my dad is somehow still with us. But for crying out loud, invoking the dead parent card? Really? No, really? Really?

And the fake tears to open the song? Wow. That’s a new low for anyone.

The name of this song is “Dance With My Father”. Uuh … really? I can’t dance worth a damn, even though I’ll engage in a few tomorrow night at the reception, but I’m pretty sure dancing with some dude’s father is not on my “must dance with” list.

If Jacob doesn’t go home tonight, it’s only because my pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken is gonzo.

Steven calls him “Luther Lusk”. Calls it a “beautiful thing”. JLo says “it’s hard to perform when a song means that much to you”. Randy … f*ck it, we’re moving on.

Next up: Casey covering Maroon 5. This is either gonna bring the house down, or be beyond awful.

* I know Blake covered “This Love” and “She Will Be Loved” in season six, but that’s the only times I can recall Maroon 5 being covered on this show. And to open, it’s not bad. He’s kept it low key so far, which is good. And he didn’t drop the f bomb in the “f*ck it, I’m walking on” part. Damn. (florida evans voice) damn, damn, damn!

Why does he have a guitar if he’s not gonna use it? This just really isn’t all that good. And he just botched the lyrics in the chorus. You’re damned right it’s getting harder and harder to breathe. Especially listening to this abortion of a performance. You sir, are no Blake Lewis. You can’t get away with that scatter lyrics deal in the middle of a song. Nice try. Let’s hope the judges crucify this. Doubt they will, but that was no bueno.

JLo looks satisfied. Yikes. She screams “Casey! Casey!” Glad he made your dreams come true, girl. Good grief, that was NOT a good performance, and these judges are creaming over it. Unreal. JLo says “Casey’s not playing fair … he’s got soft lips”. Steven: “you did what I’ve been trying to do for four months”. JLo: “I love it … (pause) … the performance! The performance!” Again, I love this show. And yes! Steven drops the f bomb! YES! Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes! Steven Tyler drops the f bomb on live television!!!!! Unreal.

Next up: my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken in this competition, Stefano, covering one of my top 20 favorite songs of all time, “Closer” by Ne-Yo. Gotta be honest – I hold out no hope for this. I fear … no, I believe, it’s gonna be his time to go. But until he does, he’s still got my support.

* And this intro piece on Stefano is making me question my own sexuality. I’m rooting for this guy? Really? No, really? (Yes, really. God I’m a tool). When your fellow contestants are mocking your self confidence, take it as a sign that you’re too full of yourself champ.

Whoa! And Jimmy Iovine drops a “f*ck that! Forget that sh*t!” blast during his rehearsal! Oy, this is not going to end well.

Or is it?

Also loved Jacob noting “Stefano would flirt with a piece of paper if he thought it had estrogen in it”. So the guy’s a playa. (hannibal smith voice) Nice BA. Nice!

(Side note: I sent out an email reply yesterday to a proposed trip to denver for the Chiefs game on New Year’s Day, and included the (ba baracus voice) I ain’t flyin’ Hannibal! i ain’t flyin’! reply. DJ had to explain I was using an A-Team reference to half – half! – the recipients of said email! Am I really that old, that people in their 20s have no f*cking clue who BA Baracus and Hannibal Smith are?!?! I refuse to live in a world where that is the case. Moving on).

Jimmy: “Great looking guys don’t plead for girls”. Maybe that’s why I can’t get any, I’m too busy “pleading” instead of just “presenting”.

And here we go. Hang on, grabbing a Shiner really quick to properly enjoy this with.

He keeps spreading his legs. Unless you’ve got a healthy eight inches in there, no need to do that dude. And as we hit the chorus, this is worse than Asshat Archuleta covering Chris Brown’s “With You” three years ago, and I rated that as “worst Idol performance ever”. And what’s up with his hand movements? Is he reaching? Groping? Imagining?

He’s sung exactly five notes since he hit the chorus. This … sorry champ, I fear that rubber chicken just got tossed up on the roof and ain’t sliding back down. (zeus voice) Bark! Bark! (pause at realizing chicken ain’t coming down) Bark!

I refuse to listen to the judges comments. If he’s going down, he’s going down without me completely tearing him a new one.

Last up: Lauren covering Sara Evans. Wait, I thought she was the chick doing the horrific SoapNet commercials I have to wade through every Saturday morning as I catch up on “One Tree Hill”? She’s a singer too? Not just a corporate shill for “General Hospital”?!?! Suh-weet!

(And spare me the “SoapNet? Really?” smart ass comebacks. Two words: Sophia. Bush. Hot as f*cking hell. Ditto Hilarie Burton, who tragically is no longer on the show).

* And we’re off, with a banjo-esque opening. Oy vey. Or more appropriately, chinga tu madre! Not a fan so far. Then again, the vocal is solid. Way too countryish for me, but if you’re gonna do country, this is the way to go – find a smoking hot chick in a short skirt who likes to jump up and down and let her sing. Steve approved.

Final thoughts: Bottom three will be Jacob, Stefano, and Casey. All three were levels of epically awful tonight. I hope Casey gets the boot. I fear it’s Stefano. I’m betting it’s Jacob.

idol top 12: the closer. just ... the closer.

Opening note: I type as I go. So when you read my initial impressions of what I expected from one performance tonight, just be prepared to be completely amazed at my 180 degree turn when said performance actually happened. I have NEVER been as shocked in a positive, good way as I was by one of last night’s acts. It was a performance for the ages. In a good, amazing, “this kid has a chance” kind of way. I literally rewound his performance for 30 straight minutes, I couldn’t get enough of it. It’s my favorite “Idol” performance since Blake reinvented “You Give Love a Bad Name”. And I never thought anything on this show could approach my feelings for that performance. Take a bow (read on to find out who). You freaking earned it.
----------------------

For some reason, “Idol” didn’t TiVo last night. Only four more weeks of bowling until I can watch this thing live and avoid any unfortunate cable and/or satellite provider idiocy.

(OK, ok, user idiocy).

So … since Channel 131 is down as well, I’ll have to Youtube! the performances.

According to Slezak’s column at tvline.com, here’s the set list, and I’ll just pull them up and watch them in this order, so if it’s not the same order as the actual performance, well … (milli vanilli voice) blame it on the rain.

Naima Adedopo: Tina Turner, “What’s Love Got to Do With It”. If she screws this up, there will be riot-like conditions in this column. I freaking love this song.
Paul McDonald: Elton John, “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues”. Another potential riot-like condition if this is a trainwreck. The background music to my favorite scene from “Family Guy” ever. “I will be a dignified cripple! / Joe! I’ve been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes …”
Thia Megia: Vanessa Williams “Colors of the Wind”. This would also be known as the “bathroom break” portion of the evening.
James Durbin: Bon Jovi “I’ll Be There For You”. This has sick potential.
Haley Reinhart: Whitney Houston “I’m Your Baby Tonight”. Already embracing the adult entertainer side of her that she’s destined to give into.
Stefano Langone: Simply Red “If You Don’t Know Me By Now”. Apparently Stefano and I have a few things in common. Not sure that’s a good thing. Glug glug. Giggigy goo.
Pia Toscano: Whitney Houston “Where Do Broken Hearts Go”. They go to the local bar honey.
Scott McCreery: Travis Tritt “Can I Trust You With My Heart”. I have never heard one second of this song before.
Karen Rodriguez: Taylor Dayne “Love Will Lead You Back”. I’d have gone with my favorite by Ms. Dayne, “I’ll Be Your Shelter”. In a discussion of the most underrated … and the most drop dead gorgeous … singers of the early 90s, I’d take Ms. Dayne to win both categories.
Casey Abrams: Nirvana “Smells Like Teen Spirit”. Will he put marbles in his mouth for the verse?
Lauren Alaina: Melissa Etheridge “Am I The Only One”. I’d have gone with “Angels Will Fall” but I guess it is birth year songs, and that one came out in 2001. So ok, hopefully this is good.
Jacob Lusk: Heart “Alone”. Having not seen one second of performance at this point, I’m guessing this is who’s going home tomorrow. Dude, there are three songs on this show that are OWNED by a contestant. Blake doing “You Give Love a Bad Name”. Asshat Archuleta doing “Heaven”. And Carrie Underwood doing “Alone”, the greatest performance on “Idol” ever (and my second favorite, behind Blaker). This is not going to end well.

(seacrest voice) Dim the lights, turn down the music, here we go! Oh wait, that would be turn on the lights, turn up the music, and here we go!

* Naima: 14 likes, 9 dislikes on Youtube! That’s not a good sign. And the “sympathy” piece that occupies the first minute is irritating as hell. Let’s just get to the music already ok? Good grief, is FOX so hard up for semi-decent programming that we have to waste 90 seconds on puff pieces like this? (Yup). Notes her choice was a “big hit back in 1984”. (fake shock voice) No. It only jump-started Tina’s solo career, won every damned Grammy it was up for, made a perfect, concise, common sense argument in favor of casual sex that helped launch the care-free society we all enjoy today, AND gave us one of the best music videos of all time, but ok, “big hit” seems like a good description. I’d go with “career defining moment”, but that’s just me.

I’m torn here. I LOVE the vocal. I absolutely LOVE the direction she took this. But I HATE the background noise. The band is not doing her one ounce of favor. But the vocal’s that good. At least that catchy. I’d keep her around another week.

Note: unless the performance is jaw-dropping amazing … or Sanjaya-esque awful, I’m not listening to the judges comments. It’s my review, not theirs. That, and I’m trying to get this knocked out in time to get in a little breakfast and blackjack this morning before the tourney gets underway.

(I clicked back to verify my thoughts … and yes, I would spend $1.29 on iTunes for this. The vocal was that solid. But the band was that awful).

* Paul: another non-sympathy generating background story. Although at least I laughed a couple times.

OK, I’ll say it. He’s stoned out of his f*cking mind. He is absolutely baked on that stage.

For being baked worse than DJ or me at a Ben Harper concert, this isn’t half bad. Having said that, this was god-awful awful. We’re sticking around for the judges comments.

J-Lo: “It sounded good. You have so much soul, so much star quality, that you overcame that”. She blames this on the sinuses. No sweetie, it’s the pot. Just look at his eyes – always the dead giveaway that you’re toking. Yes, he’s toking. He’s (brewer and shipley voice) one toke over the line, sweet Jesus, one toke over the line.
Randy: “get the notes right”.
Steven: “you define cool dude and a loose mood”. That’s pretty much accurate.

I will not be buying that on iTunes. But I’d keep him around for another week.

* Thia: oy. Do I even have to review this? It’s a horrible song by a performer I can’t stand. You know what, f*ck it. Blogger’s choice, let’s just skip this and move on. I don’t care if she gave the performance of a lifetime, I don’t think spending 5 minutes watching this chick perform is worth it.

If you had 7:28am in the “Steve cracks his first beer of the morning” pool, congrats, you’re a winner.

* James: this has 26 likes, 5 dislikes. That’s a good sign. Kate Hudson in the hizz-ouse!

Now THIS is how you do a puff piece. Great background story. Probably good I’ve never been on a reality show, because my mom would totally make me look like a moron like his did. That, and the only reality show I’d ever participate in is “Big Brother”, and I don’t think America wants to see me sitting by a pool, shirtless, getting drunk at 3pm every day. Or do they?

(Actually, that’s not true – I’d do “The Amazing Race” too, if I was paired with “The Voice of Reason”, if only to watch us crap out on night one because neither one of us can drive a stick shift. There’s comedy, there’s high comedy, and then there’s “Gregg and Steve ask the neighbor to back a car up the driveway because neither one has a f*cking clue how to use a clutch”).

My only b*tch so far – if you’re picking a song from 1989, how can you not cover “Rush Rush” by Pauler? That’s an outrage.

Good God, is this song really from my sixth grade year? Gotta give it up to Carla Gugino – she was drop dead gorgeous in this video and time has treated her well, she’s still drop dead gorgeous.

This is really good. This is really, really good. He’s safe. And royalties off a $1.29 iTunes purchase richer. We’re sticking around for the judges again, this might be the best of the night.

Steven: mocking the opening segment. “Don’t get too poppy on me”. I think Stevo’s been hanging out with Paul backstage. James: “I don’t want to spoil Aerosmith until the finale!” Love the self-confidence.
J-Lo: has tears running down her cheek. Somewhere, Mark Anthony is jealous.
Randy: b*tching about pitchiness. I didn’t hear any pitchiness. Calls it “very tastefully done”. Remember that old ESPN the Magazine ad with KG and Marbury? “All nude. (pause) But tastefully done”. Good grief, I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night, but I can remember that.

* Haley: if she didn’t have a future working the 6 to close shift at The Shady Lady, I wouldn’t be watching this.

Diamond or Sunny. Keep those names in mind honey. Odds are you’ll be using one of them in a couple years.

Sorry, that’s it. I’m not even 20 seconds into this performance and it is so wretchedly awful, I have to pull the plug. Plus she’s not learned one damned thing from Haley Scarnato – this is way too conservative of an outfit.

* Stefano: 73 likes, 2 dislikes. This, I like.

And note: who gives a rip if the kid has a DUI in his past? Everybody effs up once or twice. Or in my case, 1,039,563,283,846 times (approximate). Which reminds me – avoid Westport tonight readers. The KCPD has this new mobile DUI unit that can process up to five drinkers at a time. God forbid our power-mad cops ever focus on where the drunks really are at Power and Light. No, let’s keep targeting where the responsible drinkers are, in midtown, Brookside, and Waldo. It’s ridiculous. I can honestly say, if I go out and pound six vodka tonics in an hour, I can easily make it home and I won’t even appear to be intoxicated. That 22 year old at Shark Bar? I’m guessing he’s much more of a danger on our roads than me. I hope whoever wins the mayoral election corrects this travesty of justice, and focuses the DUI patrols where they need to be: the (joe pesci voice) utes hangouts, and not the places the grizzled veterans of the drinking process frequent, like they currently target.

This is pretty good. Honestly, I like this better than the original. It’s not top ten of all time worthy, but it’s a rock solid effort. He’s safe.

* Pia: had a debate earlier today – I rank her second hottest Idol contestant ever, after the one, the only, the incomparable Kimberly Caldwell. “The Voice of Reason” had Underwood rated above her too. Sorry, can’t do that. She looks too much like a young Ali MacGraw to bump her down a notch. And yes, I realize 99.99% of the people who read this have no idea what a young Ali MacGraw looked like. Thanks again, mom and dad, for tossing my ass in front of a television to watch sad-sap early 70s movies as a kid! And again, I sadly mean that in a “no really, I honestly am grateful, really I am” kind of way.

Love how when Ryan kicks it to the screen to “find out a little bit more about Pia”, Stefano’s eyes just bulge out in a “sweet!” kind of way. I like this kid! You can almost picture the drool running down the side of his chin as this backstory unfolds.

Good God, this girl covered Whitney at age 5. Maybe she can handle Whitney tonight.

Her grandpa sounds like a great dude.

If you had 7:53am in the “Steve cracks open the second beer of the day” pool, congrats, you’re a winner!

Jimmy asking her to “show growth”. Uuh, I think her fanbase has no problems with that every Wednesday.

Oh. My. God. This is incredible. And I’m not referring to the camera giving us gratuitous shots of her, uuh, intimate areas on that extended high note.

Wow. Just … wow. Hang on, gotta relisten to this one.

Phenomenal. Absolutely phenomenal. Best of the night, by far, so far, and I totally dug James’ performance of Bon Jovi. This one blew his out of the water.

* Scotty: never heard this song before. I like this kid, he’s got talent, but dude – at some point, you gotta branch off the country if you want to win.

49 likes, 1 dislike on the video count. Solid.

Still have four performances to go after Scotty, three of which I’m dreading, two of which I’m debating skipping. (I’d skip Jacob, but he’s going to be so awful on “Alone” that I can’t tune it out).

This kid is 17, and his normal speaking voice is lower than anything I can speak. Oy.

Well, this song is pretty much the religious right’s response to “What’s Love Got to Do With It”. Having said that, this is a really solid vocal. I’m not a big fan of it, because I’m not really a country music fan, but this is a solid performance, if that makes sense.

* Karen: 0 likes, 0 dislikes. Apparently America loves this chick as much as I do.

Which means Hello Bottom Three once again! Or excuse me, since barring another stay of execution, Neil Diamond Radio goes kaput for the fourth time at midnight tonight, (neil diamond voice) Hello again. Hello.

Very nice outfit. Very attractive girl.

A perfectly mediocre performance. (neil diamond voice) Hello, my friend, hello. She’s in the bottom three. Although I liked singing the end of it in espanol. As someone who loves incorporating Spanish phrasing into everyday language, es muy bueno!

* Casey: this is either going to be one of the most epic performances in Idol history, or it’s going to be one of the most epically awful performances in Idol history. Don’t see a middle ground here going in. As the great, legendary Mr. Hugh M. Hefner would note, “I have no idea how the hell this is going to end, but this is going to be something REALLY special”.

Wait, I thought contestants couldn’t use instruments this year? On the other hand, doing this without a guitar would cheapen it. Good call to loosen the rules for (whitney houston voice) one moment in time.

Here we go. “Hello! Hello! Hello! How low? Hello! Hello! …”

And – (steve hitting the pause button) had to pause it entering the chorus – everyone, and I mean everyone, the audience, the judges, this blogger, dug the beginning verse. Everyone was nodding their heads, tapping their feet, knowing what this is building to. In the words of me to Dusty, “do NOT f*ck this up!” This next thirty seconds could be the greatest moment in “Idol” history. I’m just saying.

That, and every person between the ages of 25 and 45 (hey, that’s me!), this is THE defining song of our generation. It’s the song that launched alternative rock, it’s the song that launched modern music, it completely revolutionized the playing field. To take this one on? Takes balls of steel. There’s no “yeah, I thought it was ok” about this. Either the viewing public (mostly made up of us 25 to 45 year olds) will totally dig this next thirty seconds, or Casey’s going home tomorrow. (I guess that’s tonight, since I’m recapping this on Thursday morning). There’s no middle ground to be had. This dude might wind up being my favorite contestant since Blaker. And I never thought anyone could approach Blaker on this show for me. Balls of steel to take on the anthem of a generation. Especially one he’s not a part of. I’m just saying.

Here we go.

“A denial! A denial! A denial! A denial! A denial …”

Outstanding! Not greatest thirty seconds on “Idol” ever, that’s still Blaker beat-boxing to “You Give Love a Bad Name”, but that was epically awesome. Epically awesome. Hang on, that’s getting rewound a time or two.

Or eleven and counting.

That’s what music should be: epically awesome. Head-banging sweet. And completely original. Screw you modern top 40. Bring back the days when music was completely original, please. There’s a reason why nobody twenty years from now is going to remember one damned hit from 2009, 2010, or 2011, save for maybe whatever Usher puts out. And why every person watching this show knew exactly what was coming entering that chorus a couple minutes ago. Originality matters. Creativity matters. Quality f*cking matters.

(And that’s also the reason why satellite radio matters to me, and a rapidly growing population. You can keep your 23 minutes of commercials every hour, horrendously unfunny and not even remotely “shock jock” DJ’s, and playing the same five songs over and over again to yourself. I’ll happily pay $18.95 / month to have QUALITY music, commercial free, DJ free, just music from when music was good. Screw you top 40 radio. Screw you).

That, and we definitely have a pony racing to the front of the pack at the quarter pole. And said pony’s name is Casey Abrams.

* Lauren: how do you follow that? With Melissa Etheridge. Ugh. And I say that as a fan of our local hero. She’s an incredible musician. But Etheridge after Nirvana? Talk about getting screwed on drawing the order in which you perform …

Casey’s backstage interview is why I totally dig live music. The euphoria of nailing something (almost) perfectly. Great stuff. Like three years ago, when David Cook took on and reinvented “Hello” by Lionel Richie, that look with about 20 seconds left in the performance as he entered the final chorus, the eyes, the “f*ck yeah I nailed this” sh*t eating grin. Not sure what I’m going for here, other than I love seeing people take a chance and have it work out for them. And tackling the song of a generation is a HUGE risk. Balls of f*cking steel.

Lauren looks rattled, and she hasn’t even started yet. She’s apparently sick. She’s handing out masks. And this is so hokey, so ridiculous, I’m ready to move on. But I like Melissa Etheridge, so I stick with it.

She was born my senior year in high school. Excuse me, I need to go treat myself like a couch in West Virginia if they win today (aka light myself on fire). Good God. 1994! Contestants on this show born in 1994! She gets the old chick in “Gone With the Wind” Memorial Award from this competition. “She’s half my age! She’s half as old as me! How did we EVER get here?!?!” And her folks look my age?!?! I don’t know much, but I do know this: growing old sucks ass.

(Seriously, senior year in high school! Am I really this old?!?! (dusty voice) yes! Now shut up and get back to the recap Stevo!)

This starts out really well. If she’s sick, she’s masking it well (rimshot!)

When she gets to the chorus, you can tell the voice isn’t all there. But this is still a really good effort. She’s safe.

One to go!

* Jacob: let me state three things up front before I recap this. (1) “Alone” is a song that should never, under any circumstance, in any situation, be sung by a dude. It’s just creepy and really pathetic if it’s sung from a guy’s perspective. Dude, it’s called “The Eclipse”, go there and you won’t go home alone. You might puke when you wake up and see what’s next to you in the morning, and you might have a burning sensation for the rest of your life when you pee, and there’s a decent chance you’ll be at a Planned Parenthood with cash in hand about six weeks later, but you won’t go home alone. (2) there are only two chicks allowed to sing this song, Ann Wilson and Carrie Underwood, and (3) you have zero, zip, nada chance of even coming remotely close to Underwood’s version of this, which pretty much won her “Idol” when there was still nine weeks to go, she was so phenomenal. Even I call it the best performance in Idol history, and I’m naturally biased against anything that wasn’t done by Blake Lewis. Having established that, here we go.

And having established that … I like the opening. I really like the opening. He’s doing a completely different version of this song – higher octave, different pace, so far, so good.

He also didn’t do the entire first verse. Might be a mistake. If he’s gonna focus on the chorus, he’s toast with strawberry jam on it.

Good Lord, his face entering the chorus, he looks like he’s passing a kidney stone. And that’s not a good thing.

Holy freaking God. Hang on.

(steve rewinding the performance).

Take everything I said in the opening paragraph of this guy’s recap (save for the parts about the Eclipse, those are universal givens), and completely erase them from your memory. And please, take everything I said about “if he’s gonna focus on the chorus, he’s toast with strawberry jam on it”, and pretend I never typed that phrase twice in the same post.

THAT was amazing!

That might be top ten of all time performance wise, it was that amazing. He absolutely took that chorus, that song, and dominated it like Zeus humping the couch. Chew toy in mouth. He absolutely nailed that! Hang on, this might get rewound more than Casey’s cover of Nirvana did.

Hang on …

(steve buying single on iTunes …) Absolutely perfect.

Holy God. Incredible. That was absolutely incredible. How does that only have 2 likes on Youtube! so far? That was a (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base performance! Absolutely amazing!

And yes, I know he f*cked up switching octaves in the chorus. I know his voice gave out there for a second. Who gives a rat’s ass? He NAILED that. He absolutely freaking nailed that! He swung between four effing octaves from verse to end of chorus! He pounded that like Zeuser pounds a Beggin’ Strip! Wow. Just … wow.

(steve giving a standing ovation)

Hold on, I’m not done.

(steve continuing standing ovation)

THAT was epic. That was absolutely epic. What a way to close the top 12.

Also love how Jacob kind of tears up when he finishes. Hey, when you give a Pantheon performance, one that ten years from now will be making the “top 10 of all time” lists regarding this show, it’s cool to show emotion, at least with me. Take a bow sir, you more than earned it.

Randy: “genius”. Exactly. That’s a perfect phrase for what we just witnessed: genius. That, or perfection.
Steven: “your mama may not have been able to sing, but she gave you the moxie that makes you what you are right now”. I’m telling you, Youtube! this thing. It’s that epic of a performance. Hell, I’ll Youtube! it for you, just click, sit back, and prepare to clap like a trained seal.
J-Lo tearing up again. In her defense, that was beyond epic.

And if Casey is the pony racing to the front of the pack at the quarter pole, Jacob’s sprinting to the lead in the greyhound race …

Best performance: Jacob. Not even close. Well, ok, Casey was good, and so was James and Stefano, but holy freaking God, NOTHING is touching what Jacob pulled off. Nothing.

Worst performance: Haley. I couldn’t stay tuned in for twenty seconds of my favorite Whitney song.

Going home: Thia or Naima. I’d bet the family farm on Naima.