post 400! ai top 5: unchained perfection

Well, it’s probably fitting that post number 400 … is an Idol recap.

I mean, the two things I’ve written the most about are the Chiefs and Idol. So one of the two had to be number 400. Glad things worked out well.

Tonight, it’s “Now and Then” night, as each of the remaining five contestants will perform a current hit song, and a song from the 1960s. Everyone in the blogosphere is geeked up about this, but I’m not. I honestly think tonight is going to be half a trainwreck. I’m just not sure which half is going to suck ass – the “now” or the “then”. Because what 1960s music has to do with today, I have no idea. But hell, let’s find out.

According to some leaked rumors, we’re going to have covers of Carrie Underwood and Jordin Sparks tonight. Uuh, if you’re gonna cover two former winners of this competition, you’d better bring your A game.

Well, it wouldn’t be an Idol top five show without Randy Jackson asking “who’s in it to win it”. Hell, it wouldn’t be an Idol audition round without Randy Jackson asking “who’s in it to win it”. I need more Randy Jackson commentary in my life like osama bin ladin needs a bullet in his head (rimshot!) And no, I’m not gonna lay off mocking that fucking cunt’s demise (and nope, I’m not editing either word, it is what he is. Excuse me, was! Was! Thank God he’s now only talked about in past tense language!!!) I see absolutely nothing wrong with celebrating the death of evil in our time. Hang on, let me grab another beer just to celebrate that fucker with two bullets in the brain!!!

(Hey, our first side note of the night! And it’s this: I joke about whizzing on john elway’s tombstone someday (ok, that’s not really a joke, but work with me here). Whatever I might say inflammatory about sports people or teams I don’t like, or politicians I can’t stand … let me be one hundred percent clear: every statement I ever make about that dead bastard currently being crapped out by multiple sharks in the Arabian Sea, I mean every damned word of it. I often joke that “the English language has not yet invented a word to describe how much I hate the denver broncos” (again, ok, so that’s not really a joke, but work with me here). You can be DAMNED sure the English language has never invented a word to describe how I feel about “shark shit”, as he’ll now be known on this site. “shark shit”. I’d love to go on MSNBC and describe him in that fashion. “Uuh, yeah, Rachel, when the brave SEALS went in and put two bullets in the dome of “shark shit”, I couldn’t have been prouder”. Admit it, “shark shit”, it fits. It’s catchy. And it totally glosses over the absolute outrage that giving “shark shit” a “proper Muslim burial” was. He’s now “shark shit”. Done and done. Back to Idol before I set a record for “most unedited four letter bombs dropped in a post, and we just hit page two in Word” …)

Hey, we have a Sheryl Crow sighting! And she’s our guest mentor this week! That doesn’t suck.

First up, my rubber chicken in this competition, James Durbin. Covering Jordan Catalano … excuse me, Jared Leto, and Thirty Seconds From Mars “Closer to the Edge”. And yes, I am fully aware that probably nobody outside of me that is reading this even knows that Jared Leto played Jordan Catalano on a tremendous yet short lived TV show fifteen years ago.

Honestly? I hate this song. But if anyone can make it redeemable, it’s my rubber chicken. So let’s see how this goes.

Uuh, the outfit is, in the words of Charles Barkley, turrible. Not a fan of the initial vocals either. Tino might have to call you out on that (and if you know the Tino reference, then you totally dug Jordan back in the day! (crickets chirping …))

The audience interaction isn’t helping. And there’s the yelp. Sorry, gotta do it. (zeus voice) bark! bark bark! Sory Zeuser, your rubber chicken has a better chance of falling off the roof than this does of getting a positive Steve review.

Steven says he “kicked that song’s ass” and he’s “ready for Freddy”. Oy. Jennifer tells him to “take it”. Randy says he’s “in it to win it! He wants it Ryan, he wants it!” I … I got nothing. That was terrible. My ears are bleeding.

Next up? Jacob. Oy. Better grab some cotton balls, the ears probably won’t stop bleeding after he aborts Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown’s “No Air”.

Rehearsal was awful. The intro’s even worse. And what’s with the “clouds” on the floor? Good Lord, please, someone say he “killed this”, because he did, with the candlestick, in the bathroom, and there’s no doubt Mr. Green is guilty. He is completely off key, his outfit is hideous, and dear God, if I have to sit through the judges comments, I’m gonna need Mrs. Peacock to take the rope and strangle me. We’re moving on, to Lauren covering Carrie Underwood doing “Flat on the Floor”. Gonna be honest: I’ve never heard this before, but if anyone can nail Carrie, it’s our (almost) 17 year old diva, right? (crickets chirping …)

Jimmy’s fired up for this. That’s usually a good sign. And it certainly is through the first verse, this is actually pretty solid. Although the creepy dude with the violin next to her is, uuh, creepy.

OK, I gotta say it – creepy dude with violin has a friggin sweatband on his left leg. Uuh … sorry, gotta drop it.

(peter griffin voice) if having a mustache makes me gay, then Freddie Mercury was gay.

Yeah, let’s just move on with the performance.

Which is rock damn solid. (steve avoiding federal charges voice) she’s only 16 … she’s only 16 …

I’d give that an A- at worst. Phenomenal. And I am not a fan of country. Randy nails it, “this direction I agree with 100 percent”. Next up? Scotty, doing “Gone” by Montgomery Gentry. Christ, God forbid this guy do one damned song that isn’t country. This is ridiculous, seriously. Josh Gracin is 50 times more talented than this guy, and he was booted early because all he did was country. Scotty? Celebrated for it. You’d better knock this out of the proverbial park champ, and I’m talking (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base.l

Typical puff piece intro. And this is horrid. Apparently Scotty thinks leaping off the stage at a big moment in the song can save this performance. It can’t champ, it can’t. This song is as gone as your frontrunner status. And my eardrums – I think Professor Plum bashed them in with the lead pipe in the conservatory.

I refuse to listen to the three idiot judges fellate this. Last up in round one, everyone’s favorite underdog doing … an unreleased Lady Gaga track? (brian griffin voice) what the hell?!?!

You know what? Not gonna lie. This has sick potential, if only to further her future career as the “main performer” at the “Outback”.

(Side Note Numero Dos: congrats to the Kansas Senate today, in a rare display of common sense and, you know, actually living up to “conservative” principles, in refusing to vote to regulate the adult entertainment industry within the state lines. I don’t know much, but I do know this: you can NEVER go wrong with a trip to the “Outback”. So long as the “waitresses” are not encumbered by ridiculous state regulations from the “party of personal freedom”. As Al Pacino noted in “Scent of a Woman”, “what a crock of sh*t!” conservative politicans are. Personal freedom, my ass. OK, back to our future featured “waitress” in a must-reach-second-f*cking-base performance …)

Well, I’ll give her this – she opens by lying on the stairs. And yes, in the words of one of the funniest t-shirts I’ve seen in a while, a pic of a golf ball, a putter, and the ball is on the edge of the cup, “I’d tap that”. Plus the opening vocal is rock solid. Dear God, can she actually win this thing?!?!

We have a frontrunner for best performance of the night, and this is it. This is phenomenally good! I’m totally digging the curly hair. “Something about baby, you and I!” Lady GaGa better release this as a single, it’s that damned good!

And as totally expected, the judges back the bus up and run over her carcass, because clearly, the hottest chick in the competition who’s also the second best vocal at this point (most nights), has no business advancing. JLo is somewhat complimentary “love the way you sounded” but questions doing a Lady Ga Ga unreleased track. Go f*ck yourself JLo. Randy trashes her saying it “wasn’t that great” and “why do a song people don’t know”. Gee, I don’t know, you only made Blake bend over and do “This Is My Now” to end season six Randy. Can’t imagine why you’d make a damned good performer do something America hasn’t heard. Tyler is incoherent. You know what judges: go f*ck yourselves. That was damned good. And America knows it. Your dream Scotty / Lauren final ain’t gonna happen, because just like in season six, when you creamed your pants in top 11 night dreaming of a Melinda / LaKisha final, America has ears, and we’re gonna do our damndest to get the best two vocalist left into the final. And those would be Haley and James. Or just like season seven, when pathetic Danny Gokey milked his dead wife worse than a desperate dairy farmer milks his prized calf, we’re gonna get the final we deserve. And anyone who doesn’t see it should be Haley v James is out of their mother f*cking mind.

Hey, now it’s round two! The songs of the 60s! More my type of music, let’s hope this works out well. Not that I was raised on this …

First up, James, covering Harry Nilsson’s “Without You”. I thought this was done in the early 70s but what the hell, let’s hope it’s good enough to get my rubber chicken off the proverbial roof and into the Final Four.

And he’s coming unhinged in rehearsal. Look it I like this song. (Although “Everybody’s Talkin” is Harry Nilsson’s finest hour). But for God’s sake, it’s not that emotional of a song. I mean, Mariah Carey completely defecated on it with her remake back in the mid 1990s, it doesn’t deserve 90 straight seconds of crying.

OK, we’re fifteen seconds into the performance, and as someone who’s about to text 1-866-IDOLS06 for the next ten minutes … really? This is pathetic. His vocal is good, but he’s already starting to lose it emotionally. I mean, there’s only two songs that bring me to tears. “Same Auld Lang Sine” by Dan Fogelberg, the saddest song ever written, and “Perfect Memory” by Remy Zero. And I sure as all hell would never perform either song in a national singing competition, because, again, I’m guaranteed to cry when I hear it. Oy. I do not want to lose my rubber chicken up onto the roof, with Zeuser barking at it, with nine friggin episodes to go.

And … he’s rallying.

Like that he took it down an octave as he hit the chorus. And raised it as the chorus goes on. You know what, that wound up fairly decent. Other than being in tears as the song ended. Good f*cking God, don’t pick a song that emotional. At the risk of reliving the 2008 Democratic primary, I gotta say it: “borrow Hillary’s pair champ”.

Apparently his family members are crying too, so I’m probably being too harsh. I’m guessing recent death in the family. But for God’s sake. I don’t watch this show for emotion. I watch it for quality, for perfection, for that David Cook “Hello” moment, that Blake Lewis “You Give Love a Bad Name” moment. Randy fellates him. Steven points out the pitch was awful, but praises the emotion. No, this is not an emotional show, it’s a singing show. I’m gonna toss this out there – James is in trouble tomorrow night. I’m not happy about it, but it’s reality.

Next up: Jacob doing “Love Hurts”. Scratch that “James is in trouble” line – this is gonna be a catastrophe, and Jacob is headed home, calling it right now.

Uum … “the English language has not yet come up with a word to describe how much I hate this”. He opens with a f*cking harp. And his vocals are horrendous. Wow, my eardrums just got killed again, this time by Mr. Green with the thimble. Wait, the thimble was Monopoly. Hell this is so bad, the two games conspired to end it.

If Jacob does not go home tomorrow, I will streak buck ass naked at the first pool get together of the summer. And note that there is no (mark promise) voice in there. I will back this one up by exposing my white ass bum to the sun. He is that awful tonight. (every girl that knows steve texting 1=866-IDOLS07 … at least in my dreams …)

Next up? Lauren covering Simon Cowell’s “favorite song”, “Unchained Melody” by the Righteous Brothers. Just once, I wish someone on this show would cover my favorite song by them, “Rock and Roll Heaven”. Because yes, you know they got one helluva band!

Here we go.

Holy God. This is phenomenally good! This is her Idol moment. As a fan of this song, I’m just gonna say it: this is the best version of this song I have EVER heard a chick do. This is abject perfection. Hang on, for the first time tonight …

(steve) (rewinding dvr …)
(steve) (replaying performance …)

Incredible. She’s really only 16?!?! That was Grammy worthy! I absolutely am buying this iTunes this week. That was PHENOMENALLY good! If she wins this thing, this performance is what vaulted her to the win. That was INCREDIBLE!!! Hang on, one more time …

(steve) (rewinding dvr …)
(steve) (replaying performance …)

Holy crap, that might be the best performance on this show since Kris Allen nailed “Heartless” in Idol’s top three two years ago. That was beyond incredible. That was pantheon level! I’ve said it before, I’ll say it now: I don’t need judges comments to let me know when I witness (reggie jackson voice) “second f*cking base”. That was awesome. With a f*cking capital A! Hang on, one more time …

(steve) (rewinding dvr …)
(steve) (replaying performance …)

Seriously, that is in the top 20 Idol performances ever. Somebody got booted by that. Christ, I still have goose bumps. That was beyond epic. Beyond epic! That borders on perfection. Hell, it might cross the perfection line. It was that damned good. For the first time all season, I wish Simon was judging, it was that epic. Because Simon would be verbally fellating this even more than I am. That was EPIC! In a “you can bet your ass I’d just hand over the credit card to watch this chick perform this live!” kind of way. Again, if she wins this thing in four weeks, THIS performance is why. God above. Absolutely perfect.

(And yes, I’m still rewinding and replaying and stalling for time here …)

That … was perfection. Screw it, we’re there. That was perfection. That might have been the best 1:40 of listening to music in my life, and I am fully aware that David Cook performed my favorite song of all time (“Innocent” by Our Lady Peace) on this show three years ago (and reached third f*cking base with it). That … was perfection. There’s still two performances to go? Alright, I’ll stop rewinding and move on at this point … if only to get some sleep tonight … because THAT was perfection. THAT was beyond epic. THAT was … perfection.

Good God, Scotty’s following this up with my favorite Willie Nelson song, “You Were Always On My Mind”! I noted when this post began, one half of this would be awful, one half would be epic. As I should have bet, the 60s music part was epic. Excuse me, IS epic. This one should be one for the ages.

(Side Note … I’ve lost track: my actual favorite Willie Nelson song is his cover of Steve Goodman’s classic “City of New Orleans”. Me, “The Voice of Reason”, Jasson, and “Steve Pederson” were fortunate enough to catch Willie live at the Midland not even a month after Katrina. To say that song was emotional that night, is an understatement. I love that friggin city with a passion. So did everyone else there. There ain’t much cooler than 5,000 people singing along remembering NO as it was. “Good morning America, how are you? Pleased to know you, I’m your native son! I’m the train they call, the city of New Orleans …” Sadly, most of the residents back then were “gone 500 miles when the day is done”. I love New Orleans. OK, back to the summary of the performance.)

Love the opening. Love how low key it is. Love how understated the whole first verse is. But he doesn’t match it opening the chorus. But he TOTALLY nails the bridge! Dammit, I wish he’d had an extra 30 seconds when he hit the bridge. I’m guessing the iTunes download will rock the house. Because he totally had the song going in the perfect right direction. Where double performance night screws you, and this is Exhibit 1. If he’d had an extra 30 seconds, this might have rivaled Lauren.

Finally, Haley, covering one of my top 30 songs ever, “The House of the Rising Sun” by Eric Burton and the Animals. I pray she doesn’t defecate on this like Green Day and U2 did for the Saints “return home” in 2006.

Because this song is that f*cking awesome.

She opens this Adele style … and I am beyond digging this. I am totally fired up at this point. Rock on chica! “And God, I know, I’m one” Beyond awesome opening.

Phenomenally good. Phenomenally good. I would absolutely pay $1.29 on iTunes for this. Very good.

Best performance: Lauren, “Unchained Melody”.
Worst performance: pick a Jacob production.
Going home: Jacob, if there is a God, he was that awful.