ai top 4 and results: stevo can stop believin'

(Editors note: I started this Wednesday night after the show, then stopped about midway through when the Royals epic comeback began. Had it done at 6:15pm Thursday, plenty of time before the results show started … only Blogger was down. And remained down until sometime Friday after 8am. So, I included my thoughts on the final three at the very end of the post, as well as an update on an exciting (not even remotely) new site that is (not by their (ralph wiggum voice) choo-choo-choosing!) hosting my somewhat insane, irrational, “nobody will ever accuse me of being a Voice of Reason!” thoughts …)

Wow, are we really at the Final Four for this year’s “Idol” competition? Good grief, the weeks flew by. Tonight, the potential superstars will be singing one song from the Lieber / Stoller songbook (I know, I had the same response: who?), and one song that “inspires” them. We already know that my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken left in this competition, James, is doing “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey tonight as his song that inspires. Which is wonderful – I love the song, I love the sound, and anyone who was at the final KU football home game in 2007, understands exactly why that song is so friggin awesome. (When, in tribute to the unbelievable, “how the f*ck did we ever get here!!!!” 11-0 Hawks, the band broke out into that song in “tribute” to the season so far as the video highlights played on the screen in the south end zone. It was chill inducing, believe me. I’ve never left a football game more fired up than I was that day. Too bad there was still one game to go …)

What has me fired up entering tonight’s performance, though, is E! resident idiot Kristin Dos Santos saying that “Don’t Stop Believin’” experienced a chart renaissance in the 2000s thanks to the cast of “Glee” performing it last year. (I wouldn’t know; I have never seen even a second of this show called “Glee”. And yet, I’ve seen every episode ever aired of “One Tree Hill”. Christ, I need therapy.) Uuh, Kris? Honey? Sweetheart? (vice president biden voice) Toots? There was this show that aired a full three f*cking years before whatever the hell this “Glee” is did their version of this song. A pretty popular show. You might have heard of it. It was called “The Sopranos”. Final scene, set at Holsten’s, set entirely to this song. Anyone who religiously watched that show (hey, that’s me! Uum, not that I made DJ subscribe to HBO when I moved in just so I could watch the last seven episodes of this series. Yes, I have a serious television addiction. Just add it to the list my therapist will be working through someday.), anyways, anyone who watched “The Sopranos”, hell, anyone who’s a pop culture enthusiast, knows what caused that song’s renaissance. And it sure as all hell wasn’t a bunch of … whatever the hell the Glee folks are, it sure as all hell wasn’t them.

Let’s get this party started! Hang on, let me properly prepare, because I fear tonight is the epic trainwreck we haven’t had yet this season. (steve heading to fridge for beer).

Oh, tonight’s adult beverage of choice? Boulevard Bully Porter! I’d forgotten just how much I love the hometown underdog until I plowed through a six pack on Sunday night watching “The Amazing Race” finale. As Buddy Ryan once noted, “you’ve got a winner in town!”

Tonight’s mentor? Lady GaGa. Oh Lord. Although to be fair, she could show up wearing boots that the heels are made out of phallix symbols, complete with the ridges and all to make it look like a legitimate penis, she could show up wearing that, and she’d be a 1000 percent improvement on Will I Am (not listening to one f*cking second of the crap you call music). What? She did show up wearing the penis pumps? Well, slap my ass and call me Charlie! Good for her.

Why the hell are we showing homecoming footage from past Idols to open this week’s episode? The homecoming is next week! And why, oh please dear God why, is Danny F*cking Gokey on my screen at the :36 mark of this broadcast? Why! I thought I’d never have to see that sleazy piece of crap again! Aah! Hang on, I need more liquid refreshment, and we haven’t even hit the opening theme yet.

THIS … is American Idol! Which despite all its flaws and horrendous judging, is still the best damned reality show ever.

Uuh, Steven Tyler has a raccoon tail hanging out of his left ear. I’m not sh*tting you, it’s a raccoon tail. And you know what? It’s not even the worst look on the stage, because at least half of Lauren’s dress front is just missing. Normally, I’d be all over that, but this look just ain’t working.

Mike Stoller looks happy to be there on the night in his honor. No, wait, he doesn’t look happy to be there.

First up? My rubber chicken in this competition (zeuser bark voice) bark! bark bark! (thanks for checkin’ in champ, and remember, hold out for the Beggin’ Strips, they’re much better than the Ol’ Roy crapola bag in the supply stash), James, covering … oh Christ.

Covering Randy Jackson’s one meaningful contribution to society, besides the “(insert name here) is in it to win it!” phrase. Yup, he’s doing “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey. The rumors were true.

Part of me is beyond excited – I love this song, I totally dig this song, I cannot wait to hear his version of it. (True story time! The moment I knew “The Crush” would be, uuh, “The Crush”, was one of the first times she came over to the old place, her cell phone rings … and her ringtone was “Don’t Stop Believin’”. God bless it, I feel like Paul from “Cheers”. “Every time something good happens, I don’t get to enjoy it …”

Here we go. And please, Dear God, let this be better than his abortion of “Uprising” by Muse last week. Let this be another “Will You Love Me Tomorrow” “Reggie Jackson” performance …

Also, for the most part, I’m skipping the “judges scoring”, because they are so anti-Haley at this point, that nothing they say can be taken even remotely credibly. They are as credible to me as FOX News is. (Or as credible to a lot of my readers as my network of choice, MSNBC, is. Yes, I can invoke politics and/or porn into any post. I’m that f*cking talented. Also, anytime I note beforehand I’m “skipping judges comments”, just assume I’m full of it.)

OK, I love the intro. Love the “anybody know this song?” shoutout. Uuh, yes, rubber chicken, we do! Or at least I do. How bout you Zeuser? (zeus voice) Bark! Bark! Good doggie! And I love how it’s just the piano to begin with. Then the guitar picks up. KU / ISU 2007 all over again. The drums. Then the trumpets. Then everyone in the audience knowing what’s coming. And one massive sing-a-long. Then classic James -- “Come on Randy, I know you know the words!” Go rubber chicken go!!!

Sorry, I’m singing along. This thing honestly could be the worst performance in “Idol” history, and I’d give it an A. Just like “Neil Diamond Night” three years ago, and man, do I need to post my recap of that as a “classic” post. Honestly? It’s arguably the WORST night in “Idol” history. There was not one quality performance that night … and nobody got worse than an A- out of me. Why? It’s Neil F*cking Diamond! OK, back to the performance at hand.

And … (zeuser voice) bark! bark bark! That was not good. That was beyond disappointing. This is not a song you can slot into 90-100 seconds. Vocally it was ok … but just as you start to get into the song, he has to move on. Although I’ll give him this – he pulled “The Sopranos” “Don’t Stop … (screen fades to black)” moment that had me actually checking if my satellite receiver was working properly four summers ago. I’d give that a D if it was anything but this song. Because it’s this song, it’s an A-. I’m very curious to hear the full length version on iTunes, I suspect it will be a vast improvement over this.

James looks pleased with himself. The crowd is roaring. Steven up first. “Hey Randy, you recognize that song?” JLo says “great job, great performance”. Randy … shilling for his old band. Screams out “you killed it!” What, with the wrench in the conservatory? Or the candlestick in the kitchen? Because he killed something. Probably that thing on Steven Tyler’s ear.

Next up? Haley, doing Michael Jackson “The Earth Song”. God f*cking d*mmit chica, why are you whizzing away a golden opportunity to reach top three with an unlikeable song? Let’s do this, but not before I grab another Bully Porter. I might need three of them to get through this utter abortion of a recording.

Oh wonderful, Casey’s in the audience. “What about sunrise? What about rain?” What about your hairdo? Christ, it’s awful. And the outfit is actually worse.

I’m just curious, is the huge red spotlight on her standing spot for the snipers Uncle Nigel has hired to take her out? Or … actually her voice is screwing herself. God above. This is horrendous. And I want Haley in the top 3 – I want Haley, Scotty, and my rubber chicken James to get through. But this … yikes. How do you recover from this? She sounds worse than me doing karaoke at the annual Halloween Party to Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” in a Sweet Daddy James pimp suit with vodka tonic in hand. (Uum, not that I’ve ever done that. (bah bah bah! Good times never seemed so good! (So good! So good!))

This deserves to get ripped a new one. I’m sure the judges will comply. My grade is a C-. I’m guessing theirs will be an F. Or a G, if that’s possible.

Hideous. Not even Slezak can defend that, and I’m totally on board with his “if Jasmine Trias can reach the top three, then Haley F*cking Reinhart deserves to be there” mantra. (His words exactly, not mine).

JLo could “feel her feeling in the song”. Wait, how did James “set the bar”? Unless he hauled out a couple bottles of vodka and Captain. God above. Two awful performances to open up. And the audience boos JLo!
(One awesome moment – Haley’s stare back as JLo trashed her. If looks could kill, well, break out the “Clue” murder joke I’ve already used here.)
Randy: “where we are in the competition is who’s in this to win this”. Haley fighting back verbally. God bless her, she’s defending herself! Good for her! Randy ripping her … and Steven steps in! Christ, is Tyler the voice of reason?!?!
Steven: “what do you get from that? They’re both wrong!” Holy f*cking Christ, we have turned a corner on this show! Steven Tyler is the “Voice of Reason!” Yes, to be fair, it was an awful performance … but compared to the other three contestants left? Haley is BY FAR AND AWAY the most consistent performer left! Wow. I need another Bully Porter to deal with this.

(Side note: while doing random “shoot the sh*t” research with my self-appointed “Voice of Reason” today, I noticed on Wikipedia that the late, great Gorilla Monsoon was picked to be the WWE’s lead announcer because Vince McMahon said he was “the voice of reason” in the organization. I immediately had to let Gregg know what my stat research had found. I gotta say, and I’m sure the dude’s been compared to a lot of people in his life, I gotta believe the Gorilla Monsoon comparison has to rank at the top of the list. Rest in peace, Gorilla. We miss ya.)

Next up: Scotty, covering one of the few country songs I completely dig, Alan Jackson’s “Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning”, his reflection back on 9/11. I know it’s now been 10 days since shark shit went overboard with two bullets in the dome, but it still feels good.

(And yes, to the great DJ: shooting shark shit in the head, twice, while he was unarmed and undefended, has made me rethink my anti-death penalty position. You might change my view on that if you start really prodding me at this point. Because I gotta admit, the idea of shooting that f*cker in the head and tossing his carcass into the ocean to be shark bait felt damned good. Back to the recap before I have to seriously consider changing the D on my voter card to an I -- it will never be a R.)

“For me to get on that stage, and connect with all those people at the same time, is going to be a great, great experience”. God I hope so, because honestly? This is another song, like “Don’t Stop Believin’”, that should not be reduced to 90-100 seconds. Anyways, here we go, as the rain and hail starts pouring down outside (and that usually means my internet craps out so let’s hope I can post this in a timely manner …)

You know why this kid annoys me? He sings like he’s 45. Scotty, you’re 17. Have some fun for crying out loud! He’s doing this fairly well, but nowhere near as solid as the original. And his backup singers are screwing him over, they’re that awful. He’s ok.

And as he hits the final chorus … honestly, that ending was good. If he’d sang like that the whole way through, I’d probably like him more. The last 40 seconds of that performance were phenomenal. The first 60 were mediocre at best. That gets a solid B out of Professor Steve. The second half of that song redeemed the D+ that the first half was. And no, I’m not sticking around to listen to these idiot judges fellate their “chosen one”.

In the pimp spot tonight? Lauren, doing Martina McBride’s “Anyway”, another of the few country songs I like. This … has potential. Although I am not even remotely shocked that these rigged competitions would give Lauren the pimp spot. Part of me is rooting for a total meltdown here, because Haley has kicked her ass and taken names so far. But part of me wants her to advance, because let’s face it, most “Idol” voters are 12-16 year old girls, and unless you have a, uuh, penis, they don’t tend to vote for you. (Example A for the defense of that statement: Lee DeWyze. Example B: David Archuleta. Example C: Justin Guarini. Need me to get to Example D: Taylor Hicks?)

Let’s see how she does.

Hang on, pausing this early. She looks defeated at the mic, does she not? I think she does. She looks absolutely defeated. And that’s ridiculous – I might not want her to advance, but she’s the best contestant to finish in fourth since Daughtry in season five, and I’d argue she’s in his league in terms of long-range talent. And she takes the mic to open this, and the first 25, 30 seconds, she has the same look on her face as I do when I park the car and head into work every morning. A look of being defeated, of “sh*t, what choice do I have” on her face. This is NOT good.

Oy, major pitch problems about a minute in. And the dress does her no favors.

And anyone who thinks this show is not biased … notice the close-ups of Lauren’s (admittedly) beautiful face … and the COMPLETE lack of close-ups of Haley’s earlier performance. Both these girls are absolutely drop-dead gorgeous. “Idol” only focuses on one of them. “Fair and balanced” my ass, FOX.

Let’s move on. I can’t even begin to imagine how bad the verbal fellating is going to be for this. I’m picturing me in an adult chat room at this point. Again, let’s just move on.

Ryan asks who won round one. I’d reply “Noone”. The judges basically hem, haw, and throw out the “anyone but Haley” pre-packaged response. Go f*ck yourselves guys. Go find one of Lady GaGa’s (refused to allow to air by standards and practices) shoes and use it to ram yourself where it counts. We’re barely halfway through and I’m already hacked. And now we hit the 60s portion of the competition. Let’s hope it’s like last week, where the “modern” stuff sucked and the “classic” stuff ruled. (Shocking – that “modern music” is a joke, and “timeless classics” still rule. Can’t believe it! I’m stunned! Stunned, I tell you!)

Whoa, new order! As if there was ANY doubt this show wants Haley off the air, she’s gotta go first on this portion. I know I’m an Idol addict, but have they EVER altered the presentation of singers before? I’m going with no. Go f*ck yourselves, Idol producers. You can bet your sweet ass I’m texting Haley’s digits no matter how long it takes.

She’s doing “I (Who Have Nothing)”, which was the springboard to Jordin Sparks winning this thing. If she’s even 60% as good as Jordin, she needs to advance.

And let’s just say, Lady GaGa, uuh, does not look like a “lady”. Unless you’re using Steven Tyler’s definition, and singing “Dude Looks Like a Lady”, then she most assuredly does.

(I am making a (mark promise voice) promise right now: next week, live blog. Assuming I’m home in time to cover this. Because, and call this a stupid premonition, I think this “screw Haley” attempt is going to blow up in their face, and she’s my favorite chick in this competition since Syesha got f*cked over in season seven’s top three, when she mopped the floor with Asshat Archuleta, yet got denied a final battle with David Cook. For my own sanity, I need to live blog this once. Stay tuned …)

Well, her outfit is beyond trashy. But the vocal is kicking ass and taking names! As great as last week was, this might be her finest hour!

Wow. Absolutely wow. By far and away tonight’s best so far. I’m rewinding this at least once, before the idiot dumb f*ck trio of judges can ruin it for me.

(steve rewinding …)

And … again, go f*ck yourself, dumb f*ck trio. The judges FINALLY give her a standing ovation. Really? After Randy was caught on video last week saying “I’d never vote for her”? Really? NOW you finally recognize talent and greatness when it flaunts its (private part that rhymes with “woosy!”) in front of you every f*cking week for ten straight weeks? It took you this f*cking long?

The sad thing is, that wasn’t nearly as good as last week’s “House of the Rising Sun”. And yet, only NOW do these idiot twiddle f*cks finally recognize talent when it sings her ass off in front of them. You know what “Idol”? You want to know why your ratings are tanking the last two years? Here’s an obvious answer why. You hype idiot contestants with little to no discernable long-range talent like Jacob, and trash quality talent like Haley. And yes, her talent might max out on the second stage at the Outhouse. But you know what? I’d much rather pay $20 to privately watch her, uuh, “dance” to “Wonderwall” than pay even $0.01 to Jacob for anything other than to “go away!”

That was a rock solid performance, and I agree with Steven: if she’s not in the top three, America done f*cked up.

Next up: Scotty, doing “Young Blood”. I have absolutely no idea what this song is. I’ll listen unbiased and uninterrupted, then comment.

Before that though, how awesome was his interaction with Lady GaGa? “Treat the mic like it’s a hot dog. (scotty balks) Or your girlfriends tongue.” And then Scotty kissing the cross around his neck in horror. I thoroughly enjoyed that.

You know what? Scotty could be in serious trouble tomorrow night. That was mediocre at best. And he didn’t exactly knock the first performance out of the park. That, uuh, was underwhelming champ. And no, I am no longer going to post one damned word the trio of idiocy says. At least until Haley is safe tomorrow night. And if she’s not, well, Idol will collapse because three morons without an ounce of conscience or shame destroyed it. And those idiots names are Steven, Randy, and JLo.

(Sadly, that just reconfirms Steve Rule 34: if you ever make a decision, and people respond with a “you’d have to be mentally retarded or named Steve to have done that”, just assume you f*cked up. Even on “Idol”, I screw myself.)

Next up, Lauren, doing “Trouble”. No, not the quality Travis Tritt version, but the Elvis Presley version. Oy. I’m rapidly running out of Bully Porters. I pray there’s at least three left.

So wait … that means James goes first … and last? Look it, I am all for rigged elections. I have a friggin D on my voter card for crying out loud, but this … this is shadier than anything my party pulls off every election day in St. Louis. And we can always find a willing judge to whiz on the Constitution and keep the polls open long enough to stuff the ballot box on that side of the state.

Wait, Lady GaGa of all people just said “it’s great to have values and beliefs that you stick to”?!?! My God, the world is coming to an end! Quick, look to the skies! When Lady GaGa says having a moral foundation is ok in her book, you know the end of civilization is in sight.

Here we go. Lauren comes out looking like Carrie Underwood. Only she sounds not quite as good as Carrie. Still, this is tolerable. A solid C. Let’s move on, only one performance left to go, and I want to get this done before the results show is over.

James up last, doing “Love Potion Number Nine”. Seriously, what the hell is Lady GaGa wearing? At this point, hasn’t she forfeited the name “Lady” with that outfit? Jesus, it’s a black … something, with more black … somethings on her face and head and legs. I’m … I’m sick to my stomach, honestly. Again, for anyone who wonders why 5/6 of the world hates American culture so much that they want to fly planes into our tall buildings, I give you Lady GaGa. (Although to be fair, if those bastards ever targeted her, I’d be outraged. Now, if they ever targeted Will I Am and his crappy band, well, like oakland and denver meeting in the black hole or fake mile high, is that REALLY a national tragedy? I gotta go with no …

Here we go. Just once, I want to see someone fall down the steps. Is it wrong to think that? Well, if thinking that is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

This is starting really good. And … scene. I actually loved the ending, even though I’m sure at least two people who loyally read this recap every week will absolutely hate it. JLo says it “shows you can sing absolutely anything”. Says that he just told her “I was absolutely wrong”. You most certainly are about Haley. Randy with “all four of you are in it to win it”. Yeah, but only three of them are getting a fair shake from the judges. Tyler looks spent. I mean seriously, he looks like he just finished off whiskey sour number seven and is fumbling for his pack of Marlboro Red’s. He does not look all there.

So …

Best performance: (barely) Haley, “I (Who Have Nothing)”. James’ “Love Potion No. 9” a very honorable mention. None of the other six performances deserve any type of recognition other than …
Worst performance: everything but the two mentioned above. This was by far and away the worst night of “Idol” this season. Five horrendous efforts, a mediocre job on “Where Were You” by Scotty, and two solid yet not ultimately memorable efforts by Haley and James.
Bottom Two: Just a gut feeling. James and Lauren.
Going Home: wow. Slezak posted an interesting theory based on Seacrest’s pre-results show tweet that basically said “We are in for an INTERESTING night of results. Good luck to the Idols” before listing their twitter accounts. (More on this in a brief second …) Anyways, Slezak’s theory is that nobody is going home tonight, that somehow Lauren got the fewest votes, but rather than send their chosen one home, they’ll pull another “Idol Gives Back” stunt from season six and send nobody home, setting up a complete free-for-all next week, a two hour true Final Four, where half the field advances and the other half is toast. If this was any other show, I’d say he was nuts. But a show as rigged as “Idol” can be at times, with the obviously biased judging we’re witnessing … gun to my head, I say Lauren is going home. But if that is the “true” result, would not shock me in the least if nobody goes.

(final note: I said “more on this (meaning twitter) in a brief second” … because after three straight days of non-stop prodding by Heath and “The Voice of Reason” that “if there’s any crazy person the world needs to hear the thoughts of, it’s you”, an argument I had no rebuttal to … yes, I have entered 2006 and joined Twitter. My handle is teamtito15. (Shocker, I know). Doubt I’ll tweet much because that’s not my style. Even on Facebook, I don’t post a status update more than once or twice a week. But every so often, I might get outraged enough to tweet. And, it gives me an outlet to inform when new posts go up on this site I guess, so that’s a good thing. Feel free to follow me. I’m hoping for 10 followers by December. That would be sweet. Anyways, feel free to follow me, teamtito15. Until the next post, which if it’s a shocking results show, might be later tonight, (michael conrad voice) let’s be careful out there … (cue the opening of one of the best theme songs in TV history, and the theme song of arguably the most influential show in TV history … another post for another time I suppose …)

ONLY … ITS NOT THE FINAL NOTE! Because of Blogger’s crash tonight, I couldn’t get this up before the results were in, but left it as is, because I strongly believe Lauren should have been the one going home tonight. So since I evidently have a few extra moments now to blog my thoughts on the final three, here they are …

* In the history of this show, we’ve really, truly only had two “surprise” finales, and both times, only one of the participants was truly a “surprise”.

Season one, nobody was surprised at a Justin / Kelly finale. Season two, as disappointed as I was that Kimberley Locke finished 3rd, again, nobody even remotely shocked at a Clay / Ruben finale. Season three was destined for a Fantasia / Diana DiGarmo finale the day Jennifer Hudson went home in seventh. Season four was Bo / Carrie from top 11 onward. Season seven, another disappointment, as I wanted Syesha to reach the finals, but nobody was surprised it was a Battle of the David’s. Season eight, some might be surprised Danny “F*cking” Gokey didn’t make it, and some (me!) were disappointed Alison Iraheta crapped out in fourth, but Adam / Kris seemed logical. And last year, as awful as it was, Lee / Crystal was obvious pretty much as soon as Siobhan went home (in I believe fourth, but might have been fifth. Forgive me, I am still pretending like season nine never happened).

Only seasons five and six saw any kind of shocker from the top three on. Season five, Daughtry somehow finished 4th, and Elliott Yamin failed to reach the final, finishing 3rd. I think most fans felt either Taylor or “sleazy lounge act singer whose name I reufse to mention” would reach the final once we reached the top four -- one would, but not both. Both did. Surprising, but not shocking. Then the next season, I’d like to think I had a hand in the judges dream Jordin / Melinda finale not occurring, as the little beat boxer that could crashed the party, barely edging out Melinda in the top three to join Jordin at the Nokia. (Where Blake promptly lost in the largest margin in Idol finale history, 63-37).

But – even with those two “surprising” matchups to decide the winner of this (allegedly) genuine, unrigged competition, the ultimate winner stunned nobody. In fact, you can say there really have only been two “toss-ups” entering the final round: season two (Clay / Ruben, which finished within a couple thousand votes out of almost 100 million cast), and season four (Carrie / Bo, a surprisingly easy win for Carrie). But even in those cases, the “favorite” entering the final won. Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia, Carrie Underwood, Taylor Hicks, Jordin Sparks, David Cook, Kris Allen, Lee DeWyze. None of these winners surprised anyone when they took the prize, other than maybe a few delusional fans of the runner up. (Like me in season six. I’m still bitter, battered, and broken over Blake not winning).

Having said that, having established this … is “Idol” shaping up to finally give us a Cinderella champion? The little girl that could, the contestant the judges just can’t kill off, no matter how much they try? I gotta admit, and I never in a thousand years thought this next sentence would ever escape from my fingers.

Haley Reinhart is going to make the Finals, and she’s got a damned good shot to win the whole thing.

And no, I am not currently (brewer and shipley voice) “one toke over the line, sweet Jesus, one toke over the line”. Nor am I “sitting downtown in a railway station, one toke over the line”.

The country vote will split between Lauren and Scotty next week. Why? Because when you reach the top three, you have to do at least one (and ideally two) songs that are in your wheelhouse. Both of these two are destined to be country recording artists. (And both will be very good, in my rarely humble opinion). Everyone else? The remnants of Durbin Nation (hey, that’s me! and (zeuser voice) bark! bark bark! him too!), the rapidly growing “Eff the Judges, Save Haley!” Nation, will be texting like there’s no tomorrow for Haley, no matter how crappy she does. Because let’s face it, we already know the “judges picks” will see two country songs for Lauren and Scotty, and some obscure track nobody has ever heard of for Haley. (Just like season seven, the “Syesha Screw Job”). We already know the judges are going to back the bus up, repeatedly run it over Haley in their comments, then at the end of the night, act like they were fair and impartial, when they were anything but.

And that rapidly growing “Eff the Judges, Save Haley!” Nation will text and phone en masse next week. Just like they did this week. Hell, I’m not a fan of Haley’s. I’ve been joking all season she had top 8 talent and that’s it, and her ultimate destiny is the second stage at everyone’s favorite adult entertainment establishment in unincorporated Douglas County. I can tell you I maxed out my vote for Haley this week. I was (and still am) beyond outraged at the shady shenanigans of these alleged “professional” judges, these alleged “purveyors of talent”. Haley’s not the best singer to ever grace the “Idol” stage, but she’s far from the worst. For the judges to act like she’s not worthy of being here is beyond disingenuous. It’s an insult to every person that loves this show.

I therefore predict a Haley / Scotty finale, and you know what? I actually think Haley can win it. She will clean his clock on the stage vocally. Scotty can only do one thing with his voice, and to be fair, he does it tremendously well. He has NO range. He has NO depth. He can ONLY do country, and ONLY do male country. And that’s cool. He’s gonna make a sh*t ton of money with that voice, starting in about mid-October or late-October when his debut single hits the charts. But Haley? Can cover anything. And that’s what I think might – emphasis on might – might carry her to the biggest upset this show has ever seen.

Here’s the comparative journey of Haley vs Scotty so far, Scotty first, from the Top 13 onward:

Top 13: Your Personal Idol. Garth Brooks “The River”.
Top 12: Year You Were Born. Travis Tritt “Can I Trust You With My Heart”.
Top 11: Motown. Stevie Wonder “For Once In My Life”.
Top 11 redux: Elton John. “Country Comfort”.
Top 9: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Arthur Crudup “That’s All Right”.
Top 8: Songs from the Movies. George Strait “I Cross My Heart”.
Top 7: Songs from the 21st Century. LeAnn Rimes’ cover of John Anderson’s “Swingin”.
Top 6: Carole King. “You’ve Got a Friend”, duet with Lauren “Up On the Roof”.
Top 5: Songs from Then and Now. Montgomery Gentry “Gone”, Willie Nelson’s cover of Elvis Presley “You Were Always On My Mind”.
Top 4: Songs that Inspire / Lieber & Stoller. Alan Jackson “Where Were You”, The Coasters “Young Blood”.

13 performances, 9 of which are country songs! Which is ok, that’s fine, that’s his wheelhouse. But not an ounce of variety, which a champion of this show should have. Adam Lambert finished 2nd, and his rendition of “Burning Ring of Fire” was better than ANYTHING Scotty has done so far. (To say nothing of his take on “Mad World”, arguably “Idol”’s finest hour.) And NOBODY will accuse Adam Lambert of being a “Country Boy” anytime soon.

Haley, on the other hand …

Top 13: Your Personal Idol. LeAnn Rimes “Blue”.
Top 12: Year You Were Born. Whitney Houston “I’m Your Baby Tonight”.
Top 11: Motown. The Miracles “You’ve Really Got a Hold On Me”.
Top 11 redux: Elton John. “Bennie and the Jets”.
Top 9: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Janis Joplin “Piece of My Heart”.
Top 8: Songs from the Movies. Blondie “Call Me”.
Top 7: Songs from the 21st Century. Adele “Rolling in the Deep”.
Top 6: Carole King. “Beautiful”, duet with Casey “I Feel the Earth Move”.
Top 5: Songs from Then and Now. Lady GaGa “You and I”, Eric Burton and the Animals “House of the Rising Sun”.
Top 4: Songs that Inspire / Lieber & Stoller: Michael Jackson “Earth Song”, Shirley Bassey “I (Who Have Nothing)”.

Now, you tell me, objectively speaking … which one of these two has “earned” the right to be crowned “American” Idol? Which one of these two has, in the words of the late, great judge Simon Cowell, “taken a risk” every f*cking week? Which one has been willing to stretch their range, to take on all challenges? Which one has covered everything from country (LeAnn Rimes) to modern pop (Lady GaGa) to my type of music (Adele)? With the season’s bar none best performance so far, a bring the house down for a five minute standing ovation modernized version of “House of the Rising Sun”, thrown in to boot?

Furthermore, which of these two is getting better week to week. Do you really see “improvement” in Scotty? Do you really see an “enhancement” in his skill set? Hell no! If anything, he’s regressing by picking the same damned song every week, and now twice a week! Haley, on the other hand, again, is willing to tackle anything, willing to give anything a chance. And 9 times out of 10, she’s doing a damned good job of covering it. (Not even I can defend “Earth Song” from Wednesday night. And I’m that guy still defending ARRA as a necessary step in at least stabilizing the economy, if not turning it around, facts and scientific evidence to the contrary be damned).

Haley Reinhart is going to win this competition. There’s eight words I never thought I’d type, but there you go. Haley Reinhart is going to win this competition. I just hope that as the confetti flies at the Nokia two weeks from tonight, and the judges are forced to stand and applaud, that she has far more class than I would in that situation. Because I’d grab the mic when Seacrest handed it to me, and say something like “Randy, JLo, Steven, you know I love you right? You know I love you. But I gotta tell you, I feel like channeling some Bobby Knight right now. And if I could give you three one piece of advice, it would be this. When my time on earth is through, and from this life I have passed, I ask that you bury me upside down, so you three can kiss my ass!” Good night everybody, God bless.

Haley Reinhart is winning “American Idol Season 10”. The ultimate underdog is finally going to get her day to shine. (zeuser voice) bark! bark bark! See, even the resident “Idol” dog approves of that outcome! That, or his rubber chicken finally fell off the roof …

(Comments, concerns, questions or thoughts? Hit me up in the comments, or hit me up at Twitter or Facebook at teamtito15. I love me some reader response ...)