the final fo'

"Every single time I see you?
I start to feel this way.
It makes me wonder if I'm ever
Gonna feel this way again!

There's a picture,
And it's hanging,
In the back of my head --
I see it over and over ...

I want to hold you,
To love you, in my arms and then?
I want to need you, 'cause I need to?
Be with you 'til the end!

But then I hear myself reply,
You've got to hold it in!
But this time?
Tonight? ...

(If Only!)
I had the guts to feel this way!
(And If Only!)
You'd look at me and want to stay!

(And If Only!)
I'd take you in my arms and say?
I won't go, 'cause I need you --
'Cause I need you now! ..."

-- "If Only" by Hanson.  (Pause).  Don't judge.  1999 was one fun as f*ck year for me ... that, and this song is still damned good, twenty plus years later ...

--------------------

And then, there were four.

In the words of that prestigious law firm that Rebecca Howe worked for, "Emerson, Lake, and Palmer" * ?  "Welcome back my friends!  To the show that never ends!  We're so glad you could attend!  Come inside!  Come inside!"

A week's worth of postings has been building to this: the finale of Chiefs Bracketology (The Race To Crown My Favorite Game of the "Fat" Andy Reid Era).  We will crown a champion today, come hell, high water, or death by infectious disease, dammit ** ! 

Anyways, in case you're just tuning in -- welcome!  And here is what you would have missed so far, if you are in that category:

* The Thirty One Automatic Bids.
* The Thirty Seven At Large Qualifiers.
* Bracketology.
* From Sixty Eight to Sixteen on the Right Side.
* From Sixty Eight to Sixteen on the Left Side.
* From Sixteen to 'Fo.

And now, the finale, of Chiefs Bracketology.

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(*: the "Cheers" finale holds up shockingly well.  Rebecca coming unhinged at the realization she's going to marry a plumber still has me crying from laughter thirty years later.  "Looks like we're not getting any work out of her today. / Yeah, and she doesn't start that 'til noon!".) 

(** ok, probably not in the last case, but still, we're crowning a champ today, dammit!  That, or my name isn't Gumby, dammit!  (Pause).  Fine, my name isn't Gumby ... but dammit, my fingers are hurting from typing this much in the last week!  

In all seriousness -- I have no idea how "Reputable CBS Sportsline Columnist" does this every week.  It's painful.  Typing 30k plus words in a week hurts!  I swear, my hand(s) haven't hurt this much since ... well, let's not go there ... but circa 1999.  I mean for f*ck's sake, I liked most of the boy bands at the turn of the century!  I'm shocked -- shocked! -- there was rarely a girl in sight back then!  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh hell yes, I can still do every dance move to "Bye Bye Bye"!  I still do that at every Chiefs Tailgate!  And ... I'm sleeping next to a pillow tonight  You think those facts are connected?)

--------------------

The Final Four.

* 4 vs Chargers Week 1 2016 over 1 at those people Week 4 2018.

Believe it or not, this was not a difficult choice for me.  That Chargers game was so damned fun, it actually trumped beating my most hated sports team in their building, while I witnessed it.

And "fun", is what this exercise in typing is trying to resolve -- the funnest game of the "Fat" Andy Reid Era.

Also, to be fair, this is definitely the undercard, to the main event.  Larry Merchant *** , Jim Lampley, and Harold Lederman might have scored this upset right but ...

(***: I contend the reason boxing has fallen apart as a sporting event, is due to the demise of it mattering on HBO.  I actually think not only "The Voice of Reason", but Mr. Reason's father, would agree with me on this.  There was NEVER a boxing match on HBO we missed for a solid twenty years.  Sh*t, up to and including PPV.  The late, great "Mean" Gene Okerlund had nothing on the boxing PPV purchases back then.  Again, I know I'm right on this.  Anyway ...)

... but the remaining Final Four game, makes Buster Douglas over Mike Tyson seem reasonable ...

* 2 vs Texans AFC Divisional 2019 over 1 vs 49ers Super Bowl LIV 2019.

Hang on, I might need to get some protection to avoid the projectiles and (indianapolis colts gameday program voice) "missile like objects" headed my way, for this choice.

(And trust me friends, peoples, peepettes, and people more under the influence of whatever, than me right now stumbling onto this: I have made many, many, many, many, many choices in life that are far, far, far, far, far more regrettable, than liking the Texans triumph two months ago, more than the Super Bowl victory a month ago.)

All I can truly say is this: if you were there for that second quarter, you not only get why this upset is my choice, but you can see the path to victory in this Bracketology for the Texans game, from a mile away. 

You want a game for the ages?  You got it -- from down 24 to up 27 in the span of 30 minutes.  You want moments of a lifetime?  You got it -- Dirty Danny Sorenson's fake punt tackle, and not even ninety seconds later, his forced fumble on the kickoff return that Darwin Thompson returned to the six.  You want announcers who actually sound like they're enjoying their job?  I honestly thought Tony Romo was gonna scream himself as hoarse on the call, as I did shouting myself silent inside of Arrowhead that afternoon.

And you want to see Terrorhead at its finest?  Every godd*mned second from Dirty Dan's fake punt tackle, until Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" put the Chiefs up for good with his third touchdown toss to Travis Kelce ... of the last eight minutes.

I tried to convey my feelings about that game ... and pretty much failed, because I just didn't do it right.  Maybe someday I will remedy that, and recap just the Texans game, rather than lumping Houston and Tennessee together. 

But for this post?  Just know this -- I have said for decades that I could die a happy man if the Chiefs would simply bring Lamar's Trophy home once, with me present to see it.  That happened, on January 19, 2020.  Then I noted that I could really die a happy man, if they'd steal that Lombardi dude's Trophy too.  That happened, on February 2, 2020.

Both of those happened within the last three months.

And both of those games?  Lost in this Bracketology, to the game that preceded it, on January 12, 2020. 

THAT?  Is how much the Texans Divisional Game means to me.  Not even the game I denoted as "The Catalyst" (and on that, I know I'm 100% right), not even that game, had a chance against the Titans or 49ers.  The Texans game not only lived up to the hype; it somehow surpassed it in a way few games and/or sporting events I give a f*ck about ever have!

And again, if you need a refresher, this is to figure out my favorite game of the "Fat" Andy Reid Era.  Not the best -- clearly that is the Super Bowl, and only a person with an IQ below that of a crash test dummy would deny that.  But favorite? 

Give me the Texans.  Give me 51 unanswered points, trailing by 24.  Give me the raw, pure emotion of Dirty Dan sniffing out the fake punt, of Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" finding the end zone four times in nine minutes down 24.  Give me what the crowd felt like that day (and believe me, if you weren't crying, you have no idea what emotions are).

Give me EVERYTHING that day was, over the game three weeks later, than many of you would have picked in this matchup of epic, fun, "want to relive it forever" Chiefs games!

(Pause).

I suppose it goes without saying, that y'all know how this is going to end ...

The Championship.

* 2 vs Texans AFC Divisional 2019 over 4 vs Chargers Week 1 2016.

The two greatest comebacks in franchise history.  One from down 21 in the second half; one from down 24 in the first.  One matters slightly more than the other, don't you think? 

Oh, and even as a "Sir" Alex Smith apologist (and someone who prays "Sir" Alex somehow, someway, is leading us in "The Chop" on Thursday, September 10th): Mahomes Trumps Smith.  Because of course he did ... and does.  Even Mr. Miyagi knows the mentor eventually is felled by the student.

Winner of Chiefs Bracketology (The Race to Crown My Favorite Game of the "Fat" Andy Reid Era): 2 vs Texans AFC Divisional 2019.

--------------------

And so, Chiefs Bracketology draws to a close.  I truly hope you enjoyed this.  There's so much in life right now that drives you to drink, drives you to complain, drives you to b*tch, p*ss and moan in utter and total frustration.  Trust me -- I get it.  As someone who has been mandated to work from home come Wednesday, to adhere to Mayor Lucas' (absolutely correct) decision to shut down gatherings of over 1,000 people (the PennTower complex, plus Penn Valley CC, has more than a thousand folks every day), I get it.  Life is a b*tch sometimes.

I just hope that for a few moments each night, this at least made you think about fun pointless sh*t like ranking Chiefs games, revising epic Chiefs games, debating which Chiefs game best (jim valvano voice) moved our emotions to tears ... you know, anything but the ugliness invading our world at this point, how fun ignoring the obvious can be.

I also hope you had as much fun reading these posts, as I did, uuh, posting them.  This was fun.  This series this week reminded me of what this site used to be like: find something that amused me, crack a few jokes, and explain why said thing amused me.  Sometimes I think my real-life struggles, real-life anger management issues towards certain people, my real-life f*ck ups and failures, tend to drag this place down to a level I don't desire it to reside at. 

My hope in this near year -- this site's 13th! -- is that it return to the fun, interesting, cool read it used to be.  I mean hell, you've already gotten almost as many posts out of me by mid March of 2020, as you got for all of 2019.  Detailing the run-up to the Playoff Games and the Super Bowl was fantastic.  Reliving the funnest, most awesome moments of the last seven years of Chiefs Football has been soul-inspiring.  Love or hate my selections?  Thank God above we HAVE 68 plus games of fun, frivolity, and outright kick-ass football to celebrate!  (Because we didn't from 2006-2012 ... really from 1998-2012, if we're being honest.)

Below is how the final Chiefs Bracketology played out (sorry for the small font, but I had to fit it in one capture, and my monitor is only 20"):

(Yellow highlighting denotes survive and advance.)

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Oh, and one last thing: don't worry.  I'm not gonna pull a Rany on you.

The best is yet to be ... at least on this site ...

stevo's 2019 nfl predictions: the last place finishers

"There was a time,
When I was so broken hearted;
Love wasn't much
Of a friend of mine.

The tables have turned;
Because me and them ways have parted.
That kind of love?
Was the killing kind.

All I want?
Is someone I can't resist!
And I'll know all I need to know
By the way I got kissed!

I was crying when I met you!
Now I'm trying to forget you!
Your love is sweet?
Misery!

I was trying just to get you;
Now I'm dying 'cause I let you
Do what you do?
Down on me!

Now there's not any breathing room
Between pleasure and pain!
Yeah you cry when we're making love;
Must be one and the same ..."

-- "Cryin'" by Aerosmith.

--------------------

Here are your 2019 NFL Season Predictions, broken down into five parts:

Part I: The Last Place Finishers
Part II: The Third Place Finishers
Part III: The Wild Card Contenders
Part IV: The Division Winners
Part V: The Postseason

Also, this is your Week One Power Poll.  As always, 32 is typical New York Jets bad, 1 is typical New England Patriots good.

Enjoy.

--------------------

32. Miami Dolphins.
Last Year: 7-9-0, 2nd Place, AFC East.
Prediction: 4-12-0, Last Place, AFC East.

Even after the fire sale, I'm not changing any of their projected victories.  At least Dolphins fans get to take the shirt off and kick the feet up to watch every 37-6 defeat this year.  I wish I could have said that about the 2012 Chiefs and myself.

31. Detroit Lions.
Last Year: 6-10-0, Last Place, NFC Norris.
Prediction: 2-14-0, Last Place, NFC Norris.

What a disaster this is going to be.  At some point, it's not Matt Millen's fault.  #shitorganization

30. Cincinnati Bengals.
Last Year: 6-10-0, Last Place, AFC Norris.
Prediction: 3-13-0, Last Place, AFC Norris.

Sam Wyche and Boomer Esiason ain't walking in that door.

29. Washington Redskins.
Last Year; 7-9-0, 3rd Place, NFC East.
Prediction: 3-13-0, Last Place, NFC East.

Joe Gibbs and Joe Theisman or Mark Rypien ain't walking in that door.  Sadly for Redskins fans, Doug Williams is. 

28. Arizona "Super" Cardinals.
Last Year: 3-13-0, Last Place, NFC West.
Prediction: 4-12-0, Last Place, NFC West.

I actually have the "Super" Cardinals opening 2-1 ... before losing 8 straight.  Still, I have them improving by a game over last year.  #babysteps

27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Last Year: 5-11-0, Last Place, NFC South.
Prediction: 5-11-0, Last Place, NFC South.

If it is possible for a team to repeat its' previous season's performance, yet make significant progress towards its' future, this is that team. 

26. Tennessee Titans.
Last Year; 9-7-0, 3rd Place, AFC South.
Prediction: 7-9-0, Last Place, AFC South.

I have every AFC South team very much alive for a playoff berth entering December.  I have the Titans losing 3 of their last 5, and 5 of their last 8, to fall out of divisional and wild card contention, in a division where there really isn't much separation between all four teams.

And ... for arguably the most controversial, (somewhat) indefensible season pick of the season ...

25. Los Angeles "Super" Chargers.
Last Year: 12-4-0, 2nd Place, AFC West.
Postseason: W Wild Card 23-17 (@ Ravens); L Divisional Round 28-41 (@ Patriots).
Prediction: 7-9-0, Last Place, AFC West.

I have the Chargers losing 5 of their last 7, and 7 of their last 10, to collapse out of the playoff picture.  Or, basically, the opposite of a typical Chargers season, where they bury themselves by Halloween, only to rise from the dead by December.  I'm not buying this team, at all.  Injury issues, holdout issues, still not sold on Anthony Lynn as a coach, and at some point, doesn't 15 years catch up to Phyllis Rivers?  And more to the point, at some point, doesn't his 8, 9, 10 kids at home, matter more to him than risking his future on the field?  I think that point is this season.  And I'm picking the Chargers to be the biggest disappointment in the NFL this season.

week three: do you know where we're going to ...

“Do you know where you’re going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Where are you going to?

Do you know …

Do you get what you’re hoping for?

When you look behind you, there’s no open doors!

What are you hoping for?

Do you know …

Once?  We were standing in still, in time.

Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds.

You knew I loved you, but my spirit was free!

Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me …

Do you know where you’re going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Where are you going to?

Do you know …

And now?  Looking back at all we’ve had?

We let so many dreams, just slip through our hands!

Why must we wait so long, before we see,

How sure the answers to those questions can be …

Do you know where you’re going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Where are you going to?

Do you know …

Do you get what you’re hoping for?

When you look behind you, there’s no open doors!

What are you hoping for?

Do you know …”

-- “The Theme from Mahogany” by Diana Ross.  (cue average readers voice) What the f*ck?  THIS is the theme?!?!?!  Hey honey!  Stevo done finally lost his damned mind! …

----------------------

Last Week SU: 11-5-0 (68.75%).

Season to Date SU: 23-8-0 (74.19%).  Circle me terrified, Bert.  Circle me terrified.

Last Week ATS: 10-6-0 (62.50%).

Season to Date ATS: 21-9-1 (67.75%).  Holy how the hell did this happen, Batman!

Last Week “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: bango.

Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 2-0-0 (100%).

Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 2-0-0 (100%).

This Week’s “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: Lions (+2 ½) over “Shane” Falcons.  

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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Predictions:

* My Thursday night pick was at 49ers (+3) 16, Rams 3.  Also, “Webster Game O’ The Week”.

* Jaguars (+3) 24, Ravens 14 (Game in London).  This one is so sh*ttacular, no network that broadcasts the NFL will air it!  No, really!  You have to log into Yahoo! to watch!  Also, the only reason this one avoided a horrific sitcom designation is … really, there is no reason.  And since I’m tired of the looming spectre of bringing Ann Romano and Schneider back into our lives for even one second of time, let’s reassign the fifth worst game of the week from “One Day at a Time” to a highly underrated disaster that somehow lasted seven years on CBS.  This, peoples and peepettes, is your “Designing Women Game O’ The Week”!

* those people (-2 ½) 34, at Bills 21.  I hope I’m wrong about this, but I don’t believe the Bills will win even one game this year against any at least semi-competently managed franchise.  And whatever I may think of those people and the absolute sh*tstains of life each and every single one of their demon-indwelt fans are, they are at least semi-competently managed.

* Saints (+5 ½) 27, at Panthers 10.  Course correction time.  The Saints aren’t this bad; the Panthers aren’t this good.

* Steelers 28, Bears (+8 ½) 27.  Will be closer than you’d think.  Also, get ready peoples and peepettes -- we get the Bears in prime time the next two weeks!  And incredibly enough, neither game involving the Bears, is the worst prime time game we’ll endure in those two weeks!  Also, probably “ALF Game O’ The Week”.

* at Lions (+2 ½) 38, “Shane” Falcons 28.  This Lions team reminds me a lot of the 2003 Chiefs.  And yes, I did mean that as a compliment (says the dude who has the “Shane” Falcons at Detroit Lions as his NFC Title Game prediction).  They can score at will … and be scored on at will.

* at Colts (+½) 6, Browns 2.  Forget “Good Times Game O’ The Week”, which this putrid offering certainly is.  This might be the “Good Times Game O’ The Year” when this season is said and done.  Brissett!  Kizer!  Browns!  Colts!  Mowins!  Feely!  ONLY … CBS!!!!!!

* at Vikings (+2 ½) 14, Bucs 13.  I have no idea, other than I slightly trust Case Keenum in front of a passionate home crowd knowing this is as close to “must win” as Week Three can be, over Famous Jameis facing said crowd on the road.

* at Patriots 24, Texans (+7 ½) 21.  The dirty little secret is that the Texans had the ball, down one score, entering the fourth quarter of their last matchup in Foxboro … with brock osweiler under center.  If brock can keep the Texans within a score, I’m betting a far more competent quarterback can.  I believe in Deshaun Watson.  And yes, there’s a very large part of me thankful I cannot make Houston in two weeks due to this pesky thing called a job.  Because damn, how awesome the first Watson / Mahomes “Of The Chiefs!” matchup is going to be next year, when the Texans (hopefully) visit Arrowhead.  (They will if they finish in the same slot as the Chiefs … and since I have both winning their divisions, let’s hope this happens.)

* at Eagles (-7 ½) 37, Giants 7.  I am still working on the recap from Sunday, but suffice it to say, Carson Wentz impressed me.  A lot.

* Seahawks (+1 ½) 17, at Titans 6.  Wayne Allyn Root Memorial Contrarian Game O’ The Week.  When every man and his third cousin is taking one team?  Take the other.  Way too many people hopping on a bandwagon piloted by Mike Mularkey.  Too bad proud Jayhawk alumnus KS “Bud” Adams is no longer around to single-finger salute his team after this losing effort.

* at Packers (-4 ½) 38, Bengals 6.  How in God’s name is this only 4 ½?  (Note: as always, I pull all lines from USA Today.)  Does anyone believe the Bengals can stay within five points at Lambeau?  Put your hand down Marvin Lewis.  In fact, just go find a bar and go on a bender.  You’re gonna want to watch this one sauced. Also, "Empty Nest Game O' The Week".

* at Redskins (+2 ½) 24, raiders 20.  Picking with the heart, not with the head.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well of course I mean the head on top of my neck!  I try not to think with the other one, Ms. Non-Existent Editor Dudette! Thinking with that one rarely ends well for Stevo!

* Cowboys (-2 ½) 20, at “Super” Cardinals 19.  Do you trust this “Super” Cardinals team?  Do you trust this Cowboys team?  I trust neither.  I just doubt Dallas slightly less than I doubt Arizona.

The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

I’m giving him a temporary pass.  Because it will post as a separate, uuh, post, by early next week.  (It’s so long this week, it demands it’s own post.)

But I can assure you, when I dive into what Ol’ Klassy thinks about the state Nebraska football is currently in -- and more specifically, who he blames for it -- the gloves come off, big time.

The Tailgating Plans:

There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is a road game I will not be attending.

The Watching Party Plans:

We will be on The Deck.  Plenty of food, beer, and other assorted beverages of an adult nature for your enjoyment.  

As always, anyone and everyone is welcome.  Feel free to join us.

The 2 Legit 2 Colquitt Idiotic Hunches:

For the year, I’m 4-8-0 SU.  I’m done picking ATS; the line changes too damned much between posting and noon CT Sunday to be accurate.

* Salty Bananas (“bts”) over team tito (me).  Considering I’m already trailing 32.9-0, this makes sense.  Also, go figure, team tito struggling to win a battle with the ConDome.  Stunning.  (Come on people, it’s Stevo Rule (I believe) 8: if you can’t laugh at yourself, brace for everyone else laughing at you.)

* Focus and Finish (Chane) over Banana Hammocks (Will).  Considering Chane already leads by 30, this seems like a smart wager.

* Angry Beavers (“The Voice of Reason”) over Mike Ditka in your mouth (Vince).  Should be the best matchup of the week.  Also, in case you missed it, I beat Vince 77.9-77.8 last week.  How you like them apples!  Again, nobody -- and I mean nobody! -- circles the (paddy) wagons like team tito when the lights are flashing!

* JYD’s Huskerbugeaters (Ross) over B*tch Kitties (Cooksey).  If anyone in this league can recover from 0-3, it would be our only five time champion.  I’m predicting he won’t need to.  (Ross is the only current winless squad in 2L2C.)

* Jasson’s Occiffers (Jasson) over Patrick is Mahomes (“Reputable National Sports Columnist”).  Our closest line on the board (Jasson is favored by less than 2).  Other than that, I got nothing.

* GO BIG RED (Gordon / Garrett) over Orinoco Flow N My Pantalones (Potter).  So I gave … hang on.  This is getting so ridiculous, it deserves its’ own section.

The “Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” Update O’ The Week:

I gave said disreputable truck two more tries this week, because again, they have to crap out at least twenty more times in a row before I’ll consider a return to Don Chilitos.  

We’re down to eighteen.  But with a catch.

Because while they yet again botched both orders (chicken quesadilla instead of steak; soft tacos instead of hard), they did throw in this incredible sriracha sauce concoction with the tacos on Wednesday that might be the greatest thing since plastic pints of whiskey (which don’t get detected by the, uuh, metal detectors at Terrorhead).

I mean, this thing had my tongue on fire within two seconds of reaching my mouth.  It was phenomenal.  And I say this as someone whose contributing to tailgating each week (besides Mixology) is some kind of jalapeno dish.  (I’m leaning towards trying the jalapeno meatballs for next Monday night … if I can get some time Sunday to make them.)  I’ve only met one hot sauce in my life I didn’t like, and that’s the fire sauce on the wings at Grinders.  

So the sauce saved the second botched order.  (The taste on the quesadilla saved the first.  Even if it was chicken instead of steak.)  

Still at least eighteen more trips of failure from “Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” before I’ll give Don Chilitos another try.  

(Note to self: snap a picture of this “disreputable food truck” this week.  It’s the shadiest looking food truck you’ll ever see … and yet, despite the fact they have botched every single order I’ve placed, I have thoroughly enjoyed everything I’ve had there.  It’s like the bizarro Don Chilitos -- Ol’ Don can get everything right, and I’ll still be sh*tting so much for the next three days my ass will hurt.)

The Jets Best Guess:

Sadly, pathetically, this is the stretch where the Jets can somehow, someway, temporarily save the season.  Versus Dolphins / versus Jaguars / at Browns.  

And I think this is a good thing.  Because as much as I want Mason Rudolph under center next September for Gang Green … do you really use number one or two on Mr. Rudolph?  I would … but then again, I’m the dude who thought Brodie Croyle was our franchise’s salvation.  (Whoops).

Win a couple of these three, and you move back into the 7-8-9 range (the Jets still have the “Super” Chargers and Bills coming to town; they’re good for at least one of those as well) in the draft.

Here’s to the first.

* at Jets (+3 ½) 16, Dolphins 10.

The Chiefs Prognostication:

Tuesday, August 24, 2004, is a day I will never forget.  It is the day I attended my favorite concert I have ever, uuh, attended -- Projekt Revolution, at whatever the hell they call Sandstone Ampitheater nowadays, headlined by Korn, Snoop Dogg, and Linkin Park.

Flash forward thirteen years later, to Thursday, August 24, 2017.  It too was a memorable day for me.  For starters, I was extended an offer (pending passing a drug and background test) to work where I currently do.  (I started two weeks later, on September 6th.)  But that evening, I did something 20 something year old me thirteen years ago, would have found impossible to do: I went to a play.

Not just a play -- a musical.  

Not just a musical -- Motown, The Musical.

And I didn’t just go with anyone -- I went with my mom.

--------------------

The musical was phenomenal.  The first half looked at the rise of Motown, as the first truly viable African American franchise to enjoy unquestioned success in this nation’s history.  It looked at the chances Berry Gordy took to make his dream, his vision, occur.  He took a chance on a blind kid (Stevie Wonder) who couldn’t write a song to save his ass initially.  He took a chance on a trio of high school seniors who wound up becoming arguably the greatest trio in pop music history (The Supremes).  He stuck by Marvin Gaye even as Mr. Gaye descended into the madness of his demons and addictions.  The Four Tops, The Temptations -- I mean, the music was just phenomenal.  

(Note: I'm avoiding the obvious analogies to the late 1960s to today. I'm trying to keep the picks as politics free as possible. But yeah, the similarities between 1967 and 2017 when it comes to half the country's views of those different than them, is truly frightening.)

And in the 1970s, as the music and styles of the 1960s gave way to something different, Mr. Gordy evolved with the times, giving you the Jackson Five, The Commodores, spinning Diana Ross into arguably the most successful female recording artist of all time.

And yet, despite twenty years of unquestioned success, despite twenty years of trying everything and anything to reach (and stay) at the top of the industry, when you get to the penultimate act of the musical, as Ms. Ross sells out for more money and leaves Motown and Mr. Gordy behind to open the 1980s, you’re left with Mr. Gordy, the night that Motown 25 is supposed to record -- a tribute to his legacy, to his genius -- you’re left with Mr. Gordy alone in his living room, so angry and disgusted at what he views as his constant failures, at what he views as others’ betrayals, that he is refusing to attend the tribute.

It is this scene -- again, the penultimate one -- that is the only one I questioned the musical choice for.  The producers went with a great song, “Can I Close The Door (On Love)”, that does at least credibly explain Mr. Gordy’s mindset in the moment.

But I thought “The Theme from Mahogany” would have been better.

Because really, Chiefs fans, if we are anywhere at this point, in our fandom, our loyalty, our belief in this franchise?

We have to be right where Mr. Gordy was, in that scene -- refusing to enjoy the successes of the past, because they weren’t as complete as we’d hoped.  Refusing to let go of our focus on the promising future, because things always can get better (and as the resident Patrick Mahomes “Of The Chiefs” apologist and fan, they will get better).

But what if the present, is just as good -- if not better -- than either the past was, or the future will be?

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I noted at the end of last season that the 2016 Chiefs had replaced the 1995 Chiefs as my favorite squad of all time.

Get ready gang, because the 2017 Chiefs look even better.

Name a Chiefs team post 1997, that could have gone into the defending Super Bowl champs house, on Opening Night, and demolished them.  Put your hand down, Richard A. Vermeil -- you never had the defense to do, what the 2017 Chiefs did two weeks ago.

Name a Chiefs team post 1999, that sees a potential game-altering kick missed by a very reliable kicker from inside of thirty yards, as time expires?  (Of all people, Adam Vinatieri missed a 24 yarder at the gun in Week Five 1999, to give the Chiefs the win.)

Name a Chiefs team post 2005, where every time the quarterback drops back to throw, a touchdown is legitimately possible?  Sh*t, name a Chiefs team post 2005 that believed in the deep throw as a credible offensive weapon?

Name the last time a Chiefs running back excited you this early with his ridiculous potential?  Put your hand down Larry Johnson -- you wore the diapers for two years before getting your chance.  Kareem Hunt is doing this literally with no preparation for it.  “Here you go kid; sink or swim!”

Name the last time a Chiefs offensive line wasn’t a liability?  These guys can block!  They’re not awful anymore!

Name just one corner the Chiefs have employed post 1995 with the talent Marcus Peters has, one linebacker post 1999 with the talent Justin Houston has, one defensive lineman post 1996 with the skill and ball sense that Chris Jones does.

And name just one game-breaking talent post 2003 Dante Hall the Chiefs have employed, that can single handedly win you a game simply on sheer will, simply on wanting it more than the eleven dudes gunning for the tackle.

And name the last time, post 1997, that you actually had full faith and confidence in not just the head coach … but also the offensive coordinator, the defensive coordinator, and the special teams coordinator, that roam the Chiefs sideline and/or press box?  

Simply put, this is the best constructed, most talented, best coached, best prepared Chiefs team of the last twenty years.

Which is why this game somewhat terrifies me.

Because every Chiefs team of the last twenty years?

Loses this game.

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I suppose I’ll close with this.  The past is the past.  There’s nothing that can be done to change it.  And the future is the future -- there are things that can be done to alter it, but all you can do is predict it.

But the present?  The present is real.  It is real, and it is spectacular.  And it also is defined by what you do.  You control the present.  History controls the past, events control the future, but you own the f*cking present.

For the first time since 1997, I can credibly and legitimately claim that my team, the Red and Gold, the Chiefs, are the best team in the NFL.  They’ve beaten all four -- and this is incredible -- in the last eighteen games they’ve played, they’ve beaten all four of the last four Super Bowl teams ON THE ROAD.  They won at Carolina.  They won at Atlanta.  They destroyed New England.  And they doinked their way to victory inside the eighth layer of hell itself against those people.

This is a team that hasn’t lost a divisional game in over two full years -- eleven straight.  Home, road, “Screw You Pete King”’s proverbial neutral field in Wichita, the Chiefs simply beat divisional opponents.

I get that it can be scary to get on board the bandwagon.  But if you need motivation, consider this: the NFL itself so believes in this team?  That they don’t play a noon game until November 19th.  Let that sink in -- the next SEVEN games this team plays, are all in the national TV window.  Three in the late national game on CBS, four in prime time across three networks.  

I mean, if the league office believes ... what's your excuse?

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I know where this team is going to.

And I know what I’m hoping for.

Sunday, is the latest step in the march to achieve something never done before in my lifetime, something I truly and honestly believe is going to happen at approximately 5:38pm CT on Sunday, January 22nd, when the Truman Sports Complex will have to be renamed Lake Arrowhead from the accumulation of all the tears of joy in the parking lot.

Four simple words, that have defined every single thing I want for this franchise since the moment I began to give a sh*t about it.

Bring. Lamar's. Trophy. Home.

I think the Chiefs beat the living crap out of the “Super” Chargers on Sunday.  I really believe this team is going to be special.  And I don’t mean “special”, I mean special.

This team is not going to let its hopes and dreams slip through its’ hands.  It’s going to see how easy the answers to the questions can be.

And nobody will doubt it, come 7pm CT Sunday.

* Chiefs (-3) 41, at “Super” Chargers 13.

week one picks

“You fly and you fall?

You try and you fail?

But you keep going …

You crash and you stall?

You sink ‘til you sail?

‘Cause you never know when …

The tide’s gonna turn!

The wind’s gonna change!

And we’re gonna make it!

The world’s gonna learn,

And remember our name –

It’s bend, not breaking!

Through blood and tears?

We rise!

(Because) tonight?

We come alive!

We are the sons of a promised dream!

Daughters of hope?  We will NOT give up!

They say we’re broke, and they say we’re weak?

Strong beats the heart?  Of a champion!

We’re gonna stand when we’ve been knocked down!

We crawl!  We walk!  Until we run!

We’re gonna fight!  Gonna hold our ground!

(Because) we’ve got the heart?

Of a champion! …”

-- “Champion” by Clark Beckham.

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Last Week SU: not applicable.

Season to Date SU: not applicable.

Last Week ATS: not applicable.

Season to Date ATS: not applicable.

Last Week’s Upset O’ The Week: not applicable.

Season to Date Upset O’ The Week SU: not applicable.

Season to Date Upset O’ The Week ATS: not applicable.

This Week’s Upset O’ The Week: Jaguars (+6) over Packers.

And, as a new service to you, the gambling public, who depend upon my incredible inability to accurately prognosticate a football game, I give you the SUCK Pick O’ The Week.  SUCK standing for “Stevo’s Useless Crappy Knowledge”.  This is the game of the week I feel the strongest about. 

This week’s SUCK: Seahawks over Dolphins.

(“bts” voice) Hey, Auggie!  You’re getting everything you want for Christmas, lil’ dude!  (placing bet on Dolphins to cover … and if he’s smart, win outright …)

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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Pigskin Prognostications:

(hang on, checking … dammit!  Still porn star free picks!)

(Note: all lines, as always, pulled from Danny Sullivan via USA Today.  Danny Sullivan: Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Oddsmaker)

* at satan’s squad 20, Panthers 10.  I kind of like that the high point of those people’s season, will occur in Week One.  I love folks who, uuh, “arrive” prematurely.

* at Jaguars (+6) 34, Packers 20.  Definitely not a “Game O’ The Week” candidate.  Quality interconference matchup to start the season.

* at Texans (-6 ½) 34, Bears 10.  Since this game is getting designated, a quick refresher course on the “Game O’ The Week” designations.

The most unwatchable game of the week is the “Good Times Game O’ The Week”.

The second most unwatchable game of the week is the “ALF Game O’ The Week”.

The third most unwatchable game of the week is the “Webster Game O’ The Week”.

The fourth most unwatchable game of the week is the “Blossom Game O’ The Week”.

And God help us if we ever go more than four deep … but the fifth is the “One Day At A Time Game O’ The Week”.

The designation is because any person with an IQ above that of a corpse, would immediately opt to watch a three hour block of those sitcoms over three hours of that game.

Bears / Texans is your “Webster” Game O’ The Week … which means there are at least two games that are worse, on the board.  (And sadly this week, there’s also at least one that’s worse.)

* at Eagles (-3 ½) 6, Browns 2.  Shockingly, only the “ALF” Game O’ The Week.  Not shockingly, this will be utterly unwatchable, other than for when Philly fan first boos Carson Wentz.

* at Falcons 14 (-3), Bucs 10.  I’m not sold on this pick at all.  At all.

* Vikings (-2) 20, at Titans 13.  Toughest game to pick on the board.  Seriously.  Because who the hell knows what we’ll get out of your Minnesota Vikings.

* at Saints (-1) 45, raiders 42.  I have a feeling that my Red Zone feed will be flipping to this game early and often on Sunday.  Also, while I’m at it, for as much as I complain about certain things about the Chiefs, the free Red Zone feed is real, and it is spectacular.

* at Seahawks (-11) 45, Dolphins 7.  (Pause).  Do I go there, in Week One?  (Pause).  Ok, here we go!

Good Times!

(Anytime you need a payment?)

Good Times!

(Anytime you need a friend?)

Good Times!

(Anytime you’re out from under?)

Not gettin’ hassled!

Not gettin’ hustled!

Keepin’ yo head above water!

Makin’ a wave when you can!

Temporary layoffs?  Good Times!

Easy credit ripoffs?  Good Times!

Thrivin’ and survivin’?  Good Times!

Hangin’ in a chow line?  Good Times!

Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em?

(Na Na Na Na Na) Good Times!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Admit it – you sang along to every word.  It’s ok; I did too!)

* at Colts (-3 ½) 45, Lions 20.  The “Corpse” Caldwell Bowl!

* at Ravens 27, Bills (+3 ½) 24.  Smells like an overtime affair from afar.

* at Cowboys (+1) 31, Giants 10.  The Chiefs will visit both of these squads next year.  I’ll be in attendance for at least one of those roadies.  You can probably guess which one.

* at Cardinals 31, Patriots (+6 ½) 27.  Honestly, they’d probably lose this one even with Thomas Brady under center.

* at Redskins (+3) 34, Steelers 24.  This should be a frisky fun game.

* Rams (-3) 7, at 49ers 0.  “Blossom” Game O’ The Week.  I don’t care what you think of him, but love him or hate him?  Chris Berman deserves better for his final NFL broadcast as the lead analyst.

The Tailgating Plans:

The menu for San Diego is always “Super” Charger Chicken.  (Save for 2013, when we f*cked that up.  NEVER again!) 

We also will have jalapeno poppers to grill (jalapenos picked, and sliced, and (my dad at my cousin’s wedding voice) stuffed … and mounted!, personally by me, so brace yourselves …), plus whatever side dishes and desserts folks bring.  We’ll have plenty of beer, and it’s a safe bet 13 will be getting his coozie on with a vodka tonic or six.

Also, the “Stevo Drinking Game” opening line is set at 3.5.  For once?  I might contemplate the under.  I have a gut feeling “Lil G” might want to head out early to enjoy his first regular season game, just like “My Special Lil Guy” was dragging my brother in pretty early against the Chargers two years ago.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  You’re godd*mned right there’s no such thing as coincidence!

We plan to be in our usual spot by 7am at the latest.  (We got the literal last early-in pass.  There was “1” Quantity left when I ordered it.  Whew.)  I have been assured by my “highly placed anonymous source”, also known as “Rufus”, that we should be left alone – the focus isn’t on cracking down on people in the grass, but people who park wherever the hell they want within the lots.  I’ll believe it when I see it, but “Rufus” accurately nailed everything parking wise that would happen last year, and he’s one for one so far this season … so I am optimistic we’ll be left alone by the parking nazis.

Come early, stay late.  Sunday is going to be (tony the tiger voice) grrrrrrrrrreat!

(Also, why the hell do I put “ “’s around “Rufus”, when his name actually is Rufus?  #blameitonthealcohol)

The Fab Five:

In honor of the greatest collection of collegiate talent to never (officially) win a single game, these are my five favorite plays / moments involving the San Diego “Super” Chargers and the Red and Gold.

5. Tynes from 48 … then from 53.  Week Seven 2006.  The Chiefs limped in at 2-3, already trailing San Diego by three games, and coming off a 7-45 defeat in Pittsburgh so thorough that then-Chiefs columnist Clark Judge noted that “the Steelers used the Chiefs as their own personal urinal”.  (Still one of my favorite analogies ever.)  The Chiefs jumped out to a 14-0 lead, before slowly yet surely Phyllis Rivers (in her Arrowhead debut) managed to tie the game at 27 with a little less than a minute to play.  After a clutch catch by Tony Gonzalez, the Chiefs sent Lawrence Tynes out to try a 48 yard field goal to win. 

The kick is up … it’s good!  Oh but wait – a bullsh*t false start call on the Chiefs (so bullsh*t that even dick gannon was incredulous on the CBS broadcast) meant the kick was now from 53.  In the words of the (maybe late / never great) Mike Stock: “doesn’t matter!  He’ll make it!”  Which he did as time expired, to give the Chiefs a 30-27 victory that ultimately was the deciding factor in reaching the postseason that December.  Without this kick?  There is no Immaculate Fourfecta in Week Seventeen.

4. Tuesday Morning Football!  Week One 2010 saw the debut of the New Arrowhead via a 9:15pm kickoff against the “Super” Chargers.  The game had it all – a true Double Header Day (the Royals hosted the A’s at 1pm), a glorious ninety degree sunny day for tailgating, a kick return for a touchdown, a punt return for a touchdown, a second half played in a monsoon, and then, with the Chiefs clinging to a 21-14 lead, the Chargers had goal to go.  Four plays later, a magical season was launched to a successful start, with an epic goalline stand, culminating in a pathetic attempt by Phyllis on 4^th down that had no chance of completion.

3. The Phumble.  Somehow, this doesn’t rank in the top two.  When you see the top two, you’ll understand why.  Week Eight 2011.  The Chiefs have rallied from 0-3 to get back to .500, and are tied with the Chargers late in the 4^th quarter.  Unfortunately, the Chargers are in gimme field goal range, and simply need to run two plays to bleed the clock to 0:03, then kick the game winner.  The Chiefs only hope was to force a turnover, which isn’t easy to do when your quarterback is in there to take a knee.  Somehow, someway, Phyllis fumbled the snap.  Andy Studebaker emerged with the ball.  The Chiefs went on to win in overtime, via an incredible 3^rd down conversion to Steve Breaston.  For one brief moment, the 2011 season was saved. 

2. The Brandsmart Game.  Oh sweet merciful Lord Jesus.  I am sure there were people across America tuned in on that Halloween Sunday, wondering why in the hell Arrowhead (and the entire metropolitan area) were erupting in thunderous applause as the Chargers lined up to go for it on 4^th and goal, late in the 3^rd quarter, trailing 24-0.

The answer?  Because former local electronics dealer Brandsmart had offered a special that summer, that if the Chiefs shut out the Chargers on Halloween, your purchases of over $500 were on them.

I’ve heard Arrowhead loud (albeit never louder than number one in this week’s Fab Five).  This was damned close to 142.2.  The Chiefs D held, they would tack on another touchdown, and pitch the 31-0 shutout.  In a completely unsurprising development, Brandsmart ceased to exist less than three years later, bankrupted by this one afternoon of football.

But number one?  That one’s easy folks.  It’s not only my favorite Chiefs play of all time (at least so far), it is without question – (allard baird voice) without question! – the single loudest moment in Arrowhead history.

1. “I Love You Lord Jesus!”  11:47pm, Monday, October 9, 1995.  As God is my witness, I will be laying in a nursing home old, feeble, and senile someday, and I will still be able to recite the call from memory.

(frank gifford) Boy, did he loft that one!

(al michaels) Vanover, fields it, at his 13 –

(frank gifford) Uh oh!

(al michaels) Vanover up past the 30 –

(dan dierdorf) He’s gone! 

(al michaels) Vanover is almost gone and now … he is … officially gone!

(dan dierdorf) No flags!  This baby’s over!

Tamarick Vanover did something that night no player in NFL history had ever done before – return a punt for a touchdown in overtime.  If you listen to the clip, the moment Vanover made it past the punter and everyone knew he was gone?  It was so f*cking loud inside Arrowhead at that exact moment, that ABC had to mute the crowd noise for a moment, so you could hear Frank, Al, and Dan call the play.  Let that sink in.  It was so damned loud that viewers at home couldn’t hear the broadcasters.

(And in case you ever wonder why Dan Dierdorf is Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Color Commentator (Emeritus)?  This is just but one reason why.  Mr. Dierdorf never – and I mean never! – failed to openly root for the Chiefs in the booth.  Never more so than during the final drive of the greatest Monday Night game ever staged.  “How’s it feel, john!” as the camera panned to a dejected horse face.  “What a wild scene this is!”, commenting on how out of control and utterly classless donkey fans are.  And my personal favorite: “aw!  Poor (son o’ bum)!  He did everything … but win!”  God, I miss Dan Dierdorf on my television screen.)

Vanover’s reaction afterwards?  Pretty much mirrored mine – he hit his knees bawling like a newborn baby, before shouting into Lynn Swann’s mic “I love you Lord Jesus!” 

Thanks for reading this week’s Fab Five.  Although how the hell I’m going to come up with five Buccaneers moments in six weeks, I have no idea …

Inside Mixology:

Ooh, a new segment, in which I explain why a certain song is guaranteed to play at The Tailgate.  This week’s choice is “September” by Earth, Wind, and Fire.

This song is on Mixology solely and completely because the late, great TD Pack Band, used to welcome us Chiefs fans into Arrowhead every September, for the home opener, by playing this song.

(Plus, it’s a nice, catchy tune that not even “those people”’s fans could b*tch about.  Although they’d probably try.)

So “September” is on the Mixology list, in honor of Tony DiParto and the TD Pack Band.

Who will always trump whatever the f*ck “The Rumble” is supposed to be.

Thanks for reading.

The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

Sadly, the “Klassy” One hasn’t posted a single tweet worth ripping in over a month.  But – but! – I have full faith and confidence Ol’ “You Can Pull Your Pants Up Now” will post something tweet-dissecting worthy, in the next couple weeks.  C’mon “Klassy” Kev – send out a “family values” tweet or two, to make this one a mail-it-in effort two weeks from now!

The Jets “Fling It And Pray It Sticks” Prediction:

I would not have resigned Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Let me get this straight: $12 million (harrison ford in “clear and present danger” voice) “and change”, to a man who has yet to start a playoff game?  Jesus, I’d almost rather have Bryan Hoyer – and I was there in Houston.  I saw sh*ttacular quarterbacking at its sh*ttacular finest … but at least it wouldn’t cost you $12 million. 

Having said that … if $12 million gets you rolled in Jacksonville to open January, I guess it’s worth it.

* at Jets (+3) 28, Bengals 17.

The Chiefs Prepared Remarks of this Prognostication:

I picked the theme for a reason.

It’s verse two, that applies to this season, that I truly and honestly believe, will be the greatest Chiefs season of our lives.

Look it, I’ve waited since 2004 to vote for Hillary Clinton to be President.  (I promise – I will keep this site’s NFL sections 18.76% political free, through November 8^th.)  I waited 22 years to attend a Chiefs playoff win.  I waited 29 years to attend a Royals playoff game – screw wins or losses, just attend a damned game.

I’ve waited 39 years for the only thing I’ve ever asked for out of the Chiefs, to occur:

Bring Lamar’s Trophy home.

Verse Two of your Season Fourteen American Idol runner up Clark Beckham’s debut single (and seriously, give it a listen – I actually think it’s better than winner Nick Fradiani’s debut, “Beautiful Life” … which is actually pretty damned good in its own right):

“We are the soul!

We are the proud!

We are the dreamers!

Not letting go!

And not backing down!

Not gonna leave here!

And seeing the prize?

We’ll keep reaching out

Until we hold it!

This?  Is our time!

This?  Is our house!

This?  Is OUR moment!!!!”

I have waited thirty nine f*cking years for this season.

Chiefs fans?

This?  This is OUR time!

This?  This is OUR house!

And Sunday?

Is the first step, to what come 8:50pm CT on Sunday, January 22, 2017, is going to be.  Not “might be”, not “could be”.

Will be.

Sunday?

Is the first of eighteen steps … to OUR moment!

Sunday WILL be a “Perfect Stevo Day”.  Right down to the “Jesus, of COURSE he took the shirt off!” blast to describe me, come halftime, when that t-shirt hits the seatback in front of me, and the sandals hit the concrete underneath me.

* at Chiefs (-7) 31, Chargers 0.