I'm like MJ up in the clouds!
I know it sounds awkward,
But I'm filthy as charged, filthy as charged!
You're a sweet talker,
But darling, what ya gonna say now?
The midnight marauders --
The higher never come down, never come down.
You can't take me anywhere, anywhere;
You can't take me anywhere, anywhere.
I'm still uninvited; I'm still gonna light it!
I'm going insane, and I don't care!
(Whatever they tell you?)
Dancing! Dancing! Dancing's not a crime,
Unless you do it without me!
Unless you do it without me!
Oh Dancing! Dancing! Dancing's not a crime,
Unless you do it without me!
Unless you do it, do it, do it?
Without me! Without me! ..."
-- "Dancing's Not a Crime" by Panic at the Disco.
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(colonel john "hannibal" smith voice) Yeah. Gotta.
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In case you're catching up, here is how we have arrived at where we currently are, in Chiefs Bracketology (The Race To Figure Out My Favorite Game of the "Fat" Andy Reid Era):
* The Thirty One Automatic Bids.
* The Thirty Seven At Large Bids.
* Bracketology.
* From Sixty Eight to Sixteen on the Left Side.
And now ... From Sixty Eight to Sixteen, on the Right Side.
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The First Four Matchups.
All NFC Regional.
* vs Redskins Week 4 2017 over vs Buccaneers Week 11 2016. Both games have a memorable moment I suppose -- the grass across from Lot G caught on fire after the Bucs game as KCFD's finest sat unable to control it ... and trust me folks, there is one epic story to tell, from the walk through the security line to enter the Redskins game.
That story -- specifically one facial reaction and the hate-tinged five words that followed -- is why this game advances to the main field. Oh sweet Jesus, how I wish everyone reading this could have witnessed that encounter. I've rarely cried from laughing so hard in my life, after said encounter was over. I literally had to stop walking down the ramp, I couldn't see, I was laughing and crying so hard at what I witnessed. Just a priceless moment in life that I more than earned over the prior four years dealing with that person. (cue the most hate-filled, contempt-filled, absolutely disgusted voice you can imagine, uuh, voice) "I suppose this was inevitable!" Hang on, I need a tissue; I'm crying from laughter all over again ...
All AFC Regional.
* at Colts Wild Card Playoff 2013 over at Texans Week 1 2015. Seems simple: choose the painful defeat over a game I barely remember. (I think the Chiefs won the 2015 opener. I can't claim I was sober in the stands for this one. Although I think we had a Ryan Mallett sighting in this one? Or was that 2016?)
Let's just move on.
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The Round of Sixty Four.
All NFC Regional.
* 1 vs 49ers Super Bowl LIV 2019 over 16 vs Redskins Week 4 2017. Not even at my stoned and drunkest, is this one seed losing this early. I waited way too long for this day -- 43 years and 30 days, to be exact.
* 8 vs Vikings Week 9 2019 over 9 vs Seahawks Week 11 2014. Again, this one seems obvious: pick the game to win, where you don't literally set yourself on fire.
* 5 at Bears Week 16 2019 over 12 vs "Super" Cardinals Week 10 2018. At least we know Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" can count to ten! If that doesn't get him a guest spot on whatever the hell HBO has done to "Sesame Street", then I have no idea what possibly could.
* 4 at "Shane" Falcons Week 13 2016 over 13 vs Eagles Week 2 2017. Both were great Chiefs wins fueled by the defense ... but only one featured in the span of a minute a Chiefs turnover, a "Shane" Falcons touchdown to take the lead by one, a "Shane" Falcons two point conversion attempt, that is then returned by the Chiefs defense to score two points of their own to regain the lead by one ... and the "Shane" Falcons having to kick off to the Chiefs, who proceeded to run out the remaining four minutes and change in this one for the win.
* 3 at Eagles Week 3 2013 over 14 at Cowboys Week 9 2017. How sweet it had to be for Coach Reid to return to the "scene of the crime", and destroy his former employer, not even a month into his first season here. At least I thought it was sweet. Coach probably doesn't focus on hate as a motivator like I do.
* 11 vs Giants Week 4 2013 over 6 vs Lions Week 8 2015. Both games were Chiefs blowouts by twenty plus points ... but let's be fair here. Nobody in the KC Metropolitan area gave a damn about that Chiefs game that morning. For starters, it kicked off at 8am KC time, and believe me, Power and Light was still a mess from the night before when we got down there. But also, November 1, 2015 will never be a day remembered for the Chiefs playing the Lions in London. There was a far, far, far more important game involving an occupant of the Sports Complex that day. So I'm giving the Giants the win by default. (Not that either of these squads would win in the next round anyway.)
* 7 at Panthers Week 10 2016 over 10 at Redskins Week 14 2013. Another epic Eric Berry game. Another matchup where the loser is going to get rolled in the Round of Thirty Two, so there really aren't any winners here.
* 2 vs Cowboys Week 2 2013 over 15 at Rams Week 12 2018. As fun as that Rams Monday Nighter was (and man, it was fun) ... the home opener of the "Fat" Andy era is just that superior to it. Kind of like Marty's first game in 1989 against the raiders -- a close, hard fought game against a viable playoff threat, that let Arrowhead Nation know we're done being the division's doormat.
All AFC Regional.
* 1 vs Titans AFC Championship 2019 over 16 at Colts Wild Card 2013. Duh.
* 8 at Colts Week 8 2016 over 9 at Texans Week 5 2017. Tougher to pick than you might think. Had I been able to make that trip in 2017 (note: it is the only Chiefs game in the state of Texas I have missed since 2005 against -- you guessed it: Frank Stallone! Nah, just kidding -- since 2005 against the Houston Texans), this outcome might have been different. But that trip to Indy in 2016 was so fun, it had to at least reach the Round of Thirty Two in this Bracketology thingy.
* 5 vs Patriots Week 4 2014 over 12 at Patriots Week 14 2019. This is your 112-111 triple overtime first rounder that you simply stand and applaud when it's done. I mean, how do you pick? One of these is the second greatest MNF game Arrowhead has ever hosted. (And somehow, the Chiefs won by more that night, than they did on October 7, 1991 ... and somehow, nobody gave a sh*t twenty four hours later!) The other one not only effectively ended the Patriots dynasty (or so we all hope) ... but was so unexpected by even the Chiefs Team Store, than the dude who runs the joint, an awesome gentleman named Smokey, admitted the following day when I showed up to buy Division Champion gear that "we don't have any Stevo. I didn't order any. I didn't think we'd win." I'm taking the Monday Night waxing over the Foxboro Thrashing because, well, those last two days of September 2014 will always hold a spot in my heart that should be reserved for a person, not two sporting events. But whatever. Let's keep going.
* 4 at Jaguars Week 1 2013 over 13 at Dolphins Week 3 2014. "Fat" Andy's first win of 2013 -- his first as a Chiefs coach -- trumps his first win of 2014.
* 3 vs Steelers Week 7 2015 over 14 at Titans Week 10 2019. Listen, I loved the roadie to Nashville. God knows I needed it, after my dad nearly died (again) earlier that week thanks to a botched cardiac surgery. And if I ever get around to recapping the ten or twelve moments that meant the most to me from 2019 as a whole, belting out "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" by Elton John on the (I forget which) fourth or fifth floor of Alan Jackson's bar on Broadway will be in the top two or three moments of The Year That Was: 2019. Having said that, NOTHING that has happened since 2015 kicked off, happens unless Week 7 2015 goes the Chiefs way, as written about when this thing really first began to be seeded two weeks ago.
* 11 vs Jaguars Week 5 2018 over 6 at Bills Week 9 2013. A very tough call. That Bills win means a lot to me personally, given how I spent the game (a proposition I thought was (not a pun) literally dead three weeks earlier). But that Jags game ... damn, that was really fun. I'll let it advance.
* 10 vs Dolphins Week 16 2017 over 7 vs Ravens Week 3 2019. One game clinched a division championship; the other was a home opener. I'll take the division winner.
* 2 vs Texans AFC Divisional 2019 over 15 at Patriots Week 6 2018. The only thing to note is this: would ANY of us have bet, after that Week 6 Sunday Nighter ended with the Patriots kicking a field goal as time expired to win 40-43, would ANY of us have bet, that at best, THAT would be the third best game (in terms of quality / enjoyment / worth the time invested) that season?
(And more to the point, would ANY of us have bet, that all three of the best thrillers the Chiefs would play in 2018 -- at Patriots Week 6, at Rams Week 12, vs Patriots AFC Championship, that the Chiefs would lose all three by less than a score, two as time expired, one in overtime?)
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Before we advance on to the Round of Thirty Two on the right side of Chiefs Bracketology, let's take a quick look at where we stand:
Let's continue.
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The Round of Thirty Two.
All NFC Regional.
* 1 vs 49ers Super Bowl LIV 2019 over 8 vs Vikings Week 9 2019. Damien Williams from 38 trumps Harrrison Butker from 43. Sorry, it just does.
* 4 at "Shane" Falcons Week 13 2016 over 5 at Bears Week 16 2019. A far easier call than I expected it to be.
* 3 at Eagles Week 3 2013 over 11 vs Giants Week 4 2013. Three of the four in this sub-regional, were played in back to back to back weeks. All were Chiefs victories. All I loved for different reasons -- and clearly, all were in my top 25% of Chiefs games in the "Fat" Andy Reid Era. The Eagles trump the Giants because it was "Fat" Andy returning to his former home. The Giants was the better game. The Eagles made me happier. And that is what this exercise in stupidity is all about, right? Determining my favorite Chiefs game of the "Fat" Andy Reid Era.
* 2 vs Cowboys Week 2 2013 over 7 at Panthers Week 10 2016. It was the dawning of a new era of Chiefs football in so many ways (some of them good, some of them not so much) ... but most especially the most important one: re-establishing Arrowhead as the Terrorhead I've always known it to be ... at least since I was in fifth grade.
All AFC Regional.
* 1 vs Titans AFC Championship 2019 over 8 at Colts Week 8 2016. Even a blind man in a fish market could identify the winner here ... even if he has to shout "good morning, ladies!" (Note: that song played a lot -- and I mean, a lot -- on that roadie to Indy three seasons ago. Why? Because the four of us couldn't get enough of it. "Good morning, ladies!" And to think people wonder why I spent half of my 20s and most of my 30s stoned.)
* 5 vs Patriots Week 4 2014 over 4 at Jaguars Week 1 2013. Damn. Arguably the two biggest games of "Fat" Andy's first two years here ... and somehow, they meet up in the Round of Thirty Two. Damn. (florida evans voice) Damn, damn, damn! (Throw Punch Bowl Here.)
(And also, spare me the "you're just mocking "Good Times" crap. This is my favorite sitcom of all time -- so much so, I recapped my favorite episode of it. Sh*t, I so enjoy this show, I drug multiple friends to Stanford and Sons back in the day on my dime, when Jimmy Walker was your headliner on a Friday night! (damien voice) Don't remind me. Please -- don't remind me!.
(Pause). Yeah, gotta.
(jimmy "jj" walker voice) read it and enjoy, because b*tch and or fight? You have to admit -- this show is just (clap!) Dy-No-Mite!!!!!)
* 3 vs Steelers Week 7 2015 over 11 vs Jaguars Week 5 2018. The Catalyst survives and advances.
* 2 vs Texans AFC Divisional 2019 over 10 vs Dolphins Week 16 2017. This regional final is going to be so bat sh*t crazy, bats might think this thing is crazy.
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And so, after Day Two, here is how the right side of Chiefs Bracketology (The Race to Crown My Favorite Game of the "Fat" Andy Reid Era) stands:
In a slight surprise to me, the only bracket to hold true to expected form so far is the All NFC Regional ... which is the one regional where the winner was determined long, long, long before this exercise in wasting work resources ... I mean, very, very, very important look at the last seven years of Chiefs contests, began. Go figure, it's the only one with the one, two, three, and four seeds advancing. And really, upon third glance, I'm not sure the one seed should feel as confident as it did when this pointless exercise first popped into my head a month ago. Whoever emerges from that two / three matchup (and man, that's gonna be one tough call) has at least a puncher's chance against the one seed.
In the All AFC Regional, we have as close to form as you can get without living to seed expectations. The one, two, three and five all emerged, and really, if we're picking nits here, I probably should have had that Patriots Monday Nighter seeded fourth, and the Jags season (and "Fat" Andy Era) opener seeded fifth, so that really isn't an upset in my mind.
Anyhoo, tomorrow we will see Day Three of Chiefs Bracketology. Day Three will trim the fat from the Sweet Sixteen to the Final Four. We will be down to four by the time I reach peak intoxication ... I mean, peak prognosticating form, tomorrow evening.
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And those four are coming out of these sixteen remaining squads:
If we were assigning announcers to this thing, you'd have to put Jim Nantz, "Mr." Bill Raftery, Grant Hill, and Tracy Wolfson in the All AFC Regional -- it's clearly the most loaded one left.
From pure bias, give me Kevin Harlan, Reggie Miller, and Dana Jacobson in the raiders / those people Regional, because we all need Kevin Harlan to be allowed biased, bigoted commentary once again when it comes to those people and / or the raiders. ("Not even Santa Claus can save the denver broncos today!")
Give me Ian Eagle, Jim Spanarkle, and whatever bimbo they assign to the sidelines, for the All NFC Regional. (And yes, I know Ian calls AFC games for CBS ... but the man is the voice of the Brooklyn Nets, and as someone who has fallen asleep to many a NBA League Pass telecast, I've had Ian Eagle in my dreams a few times. (Shaddup!)
And finally, for the Potpourri Regional, gee, I dunno ... I guess give me Brian Anderson, Chris Webber, and Allie LaForce, if only so that "Big! Bigger! Webber!" can somehow become a part of this thing * .
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(*: anytime a sixteen year old kid can wear a t-shirt of his favorite player, and one of the descriptors on it notes that said player wears baggy shorts because "they gotta have room to breathe", you have to do it. That thing is still my favorite t-shirt I have ever owned, and I would kill to have that t-shirt again. And that is not a joke.
Oh, and via Google, here is what the front of this amazing, awesome shirt looked like:
(the great anthony j. bruno voice) beautiful.)
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And with that, Day Two of actual Bracketology play, draws to a close. We've gone from eliminating fifty four non-considered games, to knocking out another fifty two via Chiefs Bracketology, in less than forty hours. Yo -- Mark Emmert? THIS is how you run a tournament!
Somehow, 106 out of 122 games that matter in the "Fat" Andy Reid Era are done and over. This is when this exercise gets fun.
Especially because (and call bullsh*t if you want, but you'd be wrong) I have no f*cking idea who is going to win this thing. No, really -- I don't. That's the whole point in doing this!
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I freely admit I know who is winning the All NFC Regional (hint: it's the one seed) ... but my God, the other three regionals? A total crapshoot still ... especially the All AFC Regional.
I have no idea how I'm eliminating ANY of those four games left in that Regional! How do you pick between ...
* Bringing Lamar's Trophy home for the first time.
* The Greatest Comeback in Franchise History.
* The Catalyst to EVERYTHING that has happened in the last five years.
* An ass-kicking so severe all Coach Hoodie could say was "On To Cincinnati"
I mean, let that sink in. You can argue these should be the final four period, irregardless of any of the other 118 games considered for this Bracketology. You can credibly argue these should be my favorite four games of the "Fat" Andy Reid Era. And they're all in the same regional final. Meaning only one of them has a shot at winning this thing.
(I would like to think that exposes the lie, that this was a biased, bigoted, "every odd against it" outcome Bracketology. I truly had no idea what game I'd pick entering this thing. If I had known? You really think I'd pick four of the five biggest Chiefs wins of the last seven years (the other being the
Simply put: three of the four left in the All AFC Regional? Won't reach the Final Four, let alone win this thing! I swear, the 1990-1996 NFC just called, and they want their playoff bracket back.
Oy. Maybe I should have thought this thing through better, and pulled a kids league thingy where everyone gets a participation trophy.
I might actually lose sleep over the All AFC Regional.
I never envisioned that, when this exercise started ...
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