kickoff 2016 (two months early!): stevo's nfl coaches power poll, part uno ...

"So this is where it ends?

This is where it all goes down?

This is what I don't love you,

Feels like?

It ain't the middle of the night,

And it ain't even raining outside!

It ain't exactly what I had in mind,

For goodbye ...

At a red light!

In the sunshine!

On a Sunday, nothing to say --

Don't even try!

Some are coming home;

Some are leaving town!

While my world's crashing down,

On a Sunday, in the sunshine?

At a red light ..."

-- "Red Light" by David Nail.

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Do you realize that exactly fifty nine days from right now, we’ll be exiting the Truman Sports Complex, having witnessed the first preseason game of the season?

(And thanks again, NFL schedule gurus, for scheduling a preseason game … in Kansas City … in August … for a 3:30pm kickoff.  Jesus.  I mean, it’s going to be 101 tomorrow – 101!  On the sixteenth of June!  It might be 112 come August 13^th!  (Pause).  Not that I have a problem with that.  No, seriously, it’s one of my rules in life: any day hot enough when you wake up, that the thought of putting ON a t-shirt seems like the most ridiculous idea in the world?  Is a perfect weather day.)

In the interest of fairness and honesty – only one of those of which I can credibly be accused of living my life with – this is highly likely to be the last Chiefs season covered on this site.  I honestly don’t have the free time I used to, to be able to post.  I don’t have the desire I used to have, to crank out this poorly written stuff that about 15 people on an average day read.  (bruce willis in “armageddon” voice) No, not poor – I said p*ss poor!  Thanks Bruce.  You’re the best.

But if the end is near, then let’s close this down properly … with the one annual gift to you I have almost never failed to provide: Stevo’s NFL Coaches Power Poll!!!!

As always, the ground rule reminders:

1. These are my rankings.  They are based on nothing but my opinion of these 32 men who grace our sidelines and our televisions every Sunday from September to New Year’s.

2. A 1 ranking means I think you are Chuck Noll good.  (I believe Mr. Noll is the greatest coach in NFL history.  Deal with it.)  A 32 ranking means you are in the company of such fine, fine disgraces such as Rich Kotite, Bruce Coslet, Al Groh, Joe Walton … hell, just pick a Jets coach from the last thirty years not named Bill Parcells, and you can make an argument they’re the worst coach in NFL history.  Including you, Sal Alosi.

3. Every year there is one coach I irrationally love, who is ranked a solid 10-12 spots higher than he probably deserves to be.  We’ll call this dude the “Wayne Fontes Memorial Coach”, out of respect for my favorite head coach in NFL history.

(I mean, how can you hate a guy whose owner, when asked about Mr. Fontes’ status, notes “well, I didn’t fire him, and he didn’t quit, so I guess he’ll be back next year”?  How can you hate a man who inspired Chris Berman’s greatest nickname ever (“Rasputin”)?  How can you hate a man openly mocked by his starting quarterback – who himself was possibly the biggest free agent bust of the 1990s?  (He wasn’t – cue every Jets fan screaming “Neil F*cking O’Donnell!” in unison.  But Scott Mitchell was eight layers of awful.)

And how in the hell can you hate a man whose firing literally caused the greatest running back in NFL history, to say "f*ck it, I quit" in response to said firing?  I'm telling you, Wayne Fontes is highly underrated folks.  Highly underrated.)

Finally …

4. Wherever “Fat” Andy Reid lands?  (And same for every other coach.)  Every coach already listed, I would take “Fat” Andy Reid over.  Every coach that appears after “Fat” Andy?  I’d fire “Fat” Andy to hire.

That, incidentally, is what this entire post is born out of – after the Chiefs beat the donkeys in Week Four 2000, “The Voice of Reason” and I debated whether Gunther Cunningham was actually a decent head coach, or the luckiest sumbeach on the sideline.  So we went through the list of coaches to see where Ol’ Confident and Classy ranked.  I was shocked – shocked! – at how many incompetent idiots ran NFL franchises in 2000.

Sadly, there’s no Mike Martz, Mike Sherman, “The” Art Shell “Face”, “Drunk” Denny Green, “Drunk” Dennis Erickson, Mike “Meathead” Tice, Eric Mangini, “Coach Buffoon”, Mike Nolan, Josh McDaniels, Greg Schiano, Marty Mornhinweg, Rod Marinelli, Norval Eugene Turner, Dom Capers, Scott Linehan, Brad “Chilly” Childress, Dave Campo, or countless other god-awful sh*ttacular coaches from the early 2000s to kick around anymore.

But there is still Numero Thirty Two … who somehow is now coaching his THIRD different franchise, despite enjoying zero success in stops uno and dos!

That seems as good a place as any, to get this thing started …

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Key: Rank (Previous Year’s Rank).  Coach, Team.  Comments / Reasoning.

And here is last year’s Power Poll for the uninformed, and / or the curious:

Part Uno.

Part Dos.

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32 (NR). Mike Mularkey, Tennessee Titans.  How in God’s name is Mike Mularkey running a NFL franchise?  He sh*t the bed in Buffalo, would have probably raped said proverbial bed in Jacksonville if they hadn’t seen the light and pulled the plug after one season … but good ol’ Tennessee, they apparently see something in this failed stench of a coach that no other NFL franchise, or any Tennessee Titans fan, sees. 

Poor Marcus Mariota.  He might regress five seasons by Week Three, under Mr. Mularkey’s coaching acumen and wisdom.

(Also, poor Nicole.  I have a great friend up in Dakotaland, who is a huge Titans fan.  Needless to say, she's not looking forward to December 18th.  And there's no way you can blame her, for dreading that roadie to Arrowhead.)

31 (32).  Jim “Corpse” Caldwell, Detroit Lions.  Ol’ Corpse moves up a spot due solely and completely to Mike Mularkey’s hire in Nashville.  Trust me – Ol’ Corpse has earned his sh*ttacular ranking.  (Cue every Lions fan and Colts fan nodding in abject agreement.)

30 (NR).  Ben McAdoo, New York Giants.  I have very few rules in life, but one I strictly believe in is this: if you’re gonna fire someone?  You’d better make DAMNED sure his or her replacement, is a marked improvement over what you’re letting go.  Ben McAdoo is not an improvement over Tom Coughlin.  Not now, not ever.  Of course, this being the Giants, they’ll keep Mr. McAdoo for six years, post six ten loss seasons, and then extend the guy for another couple years since “he’s turning the corner”.  There’s a difference between loyalty and stupidity, Giants organization.  Stop being stupid.

29 (NR).  Adam Gase, Miami Dolphins.  A two spot rise over his predecessor.  That’s not intended as a compliment.

I hated this hire, by the way.  Mr. Gase may be your stunning poop can, come January 2, 2017.

28 (30).  gary “krap of” kubiak, satan’s squad.  Can we just be honest here?  Son Of Bum is the reason those people won the Lombardi.  (That, and the single most indefensible play of Jamaal Charles’ career.)  “krap of” kubiak was just along for the ride. 

Having said that … am I the only one who thinks those people caught a gigantic break when brock “traitor” osweiler bolted for Houston?  Would you want to pay that cowardly traitor $37 million dollars over the next two years to go (at best) 10-6 and get rolled in the Divisional Round?  You can legitimately argue that cowardly traitor is the WORST starting quarterback in that division.  And until Mr. Luck extends in a month or so, he’s the highest paid starting quarterback in that division.  What a joke.  Houston deserves so much better than Rick Smith at the helm.

(Pause).

What?

(Pause). 

You know, that’s not a bad idea – a Stevo’s NFL GM Power Poll!  Because Ricky?  You’re 32 … and there’s nobody else even in the running, for the “Whoever the Vikings GM in 1989 Was” Memorial worst GM designation, in the league.

(I guess this is where I note, when you run a NFL franchise that wins a division championship not even two years after appearing in a NFC Title Game, and you don't have a Wikipedia page devoted to you?  You're eight layers of sh*ttacular.  Take a bow, Mike Lynn ... whoever you are.)

27 (25).  Dan Quinn, Atlanta Falcons.  Honestly, you could put everyone from about 18 to 27 into a hat, draw out names, and rank them by that method.  These next 8, 9, 10 head coaches are perfectly mediocre.  They’re not going to embarrass you … but they’re not going to inspire you to (the postal service voice) such great heights.

26 (18).  Mike McCoy, San Diego “Super” Chargers.  I actually think Mr. McCoy is a decent head coach.  Sh*t, anyone who can lead an offense led by Our Risen Lord and Savior Timothy R. Tebow to a Divisional Round berth knows his, uuh, sh*t.  But let’s be honest here – the ONLY reason Mr. McCoy is still employed as a head coach, is because the “Super” Chargers had no idea what the future held when last season ended – namely, LA, San Diego, or (keane voice) somewhere only (they) know.  Ditto for the next coach on this list …

25 (16).  Jeff Fisher, Los Angeles Rams.  At some point, looks stop working for you.  (I wouldn’t know; I’m still better looking at 39, than 99.47% of the male population … and damned proud of it.)  Jeff Fisher hasn’t posted a winning season since 2008.  2008!  And yet he’s been employed every year since!  Nice work if you can get it. 

(And if you get it?  Won’t you tell me how? )

24 (29).  Todd Bowles, New York (fireman ed voice) J!  E!  T!  S!  Jets Jets Jets!!!!!!!

I actually feel bad for Mr. Bowles.  This schedule is so brutal, I’m not sure The Hooded One could milk nine wins out of it.  6 of the first 9 (a stretch of 6 out of 8) on the road, and the home games are Cincinnati, Seattle, and Baltimore (who will rebound this year)?  Dios con mio!

He should have risen higher than five spots, if I’m being honest.  I just haven’t gotten over the no-show in Buffalo to end the season yet.

23 (NR).  Dirk Koetter, Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  I like this hire.  A lot.  I think Tampa is going to be a force in the NFC over the next five years.

22 (15).  Jason Garrett, Dallas Cowboys.  Glad that Jerry didn’t overreact to one injury plagued season *.

(*: in my (rarely right, but also rarely humble) opinion, the single biggest mistake Jerry’s made in his tenure as the Cowboys guru, wasn’t firing Jimmy Johnson (it was inevitably going to happen), and it wasn’t hiring Barry Switzer (again, it was inevitably going to happen).  The single biggest mistake he’s made, was firing Chan Gailey after the 1999 season collapsed, and died in the Metrodome in the wild card round.  Chan Gailey took over the remnants of The Triplets, and bilked two playoff berths and a division title out of two seasons.  Only one Cowboys head coach has ever failed to win at least two playoff games, and has a losing record – Mr. Gailey’s successor, Dave Campo, who went 15-33 in his three seasons (finishing 5-11 each and every year).  The lesson?  Don’t overreact when your season collapses due to irreplaceable injuries.  (In 1999, Michael Irvin’s career ended in Week Four at Philadelphia, Moose Johnston’s career ended before the season began, Troy Aikman missed multiple starts, Greg Ellis blew out a (al michaels voice) knee in Week Two, and somehow, someway, this fatally flawed squad made the playoffs.

Don’t overreact, when injuries derail your season.  On that, I know I’m right.)

21 (28).  Gus Bradley, Jacksonville Jaguars.  If the 2016 Jags are who I think they’re going to be?  Mr. Bradley will be ten spots higher if another Stevo’s NFL Coaches Power Poll is posted.  If they aren’t?  Mr. Bradley won’t be included in said another Stevo’s NFL Coaches Power Poll; he’ll be unemployed.

20 (17).  Marvin Lewis, Cincinnati Bengals.  For the record, I’d have fired Mr. Lewis after the playoff defeat to Pittsburgh.  For the same reason I’d have fired Marty Schottenheimer after the 1996 Chiefs season, and the same reason the Chicago Bulls fired Doug Collins after the 1989-1990 Bulls season.

At some point?  You can’t take a team any farther.  You’re not going to get them over the hump, past the finish line.

The 2016 Cincinnati Bengals are going 5-11 or worse.  You heard it here first.

19 (10).  “Sexy” Rexy Ryan, Buffalo Bills.  If the 2016 Buffalo Bills are who I think they’re going to be?  “Sexy” Rexy will be unemployed when I turn 40, a little over six months from now.  If the 2016 Buffalo Bills aren’t who I think they’re going to be?  “Sexy” Rexy will be at least five spots higher in any future Stevo’s NFL Coaches Power Poll.

18 (19).  “Riverboat” Ron Rivera, Carolina Panthers.  He got taken to woodshed by Son of Bum ** in that Super Bowl, and given the business in the sport's biggest moment like few coaches have ever been given the business.  I’m more down on Carolina entering this season than most … but I still think they’ll win the NFC South, and win at least a Wild Card Round game.

(**: let’s just address the Captain Oats in the room, shall we?  I HATE the denver broncos.  I DESPISE them.  They are evil incarnate, and every single fan of those people is indwelt by at least a demon, if not satan himself.  Having said that … I LOVE Son of Bum.  I totally dig the guy.  Always have, always will.  I love people who don’t take themselves seriously … and I really love people who don’t give a sh*t about the moment; when the moment is so enjoyable?  Enjoy it!  (Note: I scoured YouTube! for video of his hiring as donkeys head coach in 1993; I found nothing.  But if you remember the moment?  That was priceless.  And awesome.)

So I capitalize Son of Bum for the same reason I capitalize Real Mile High: you respect greatness, when you see it.  (But you’ll never capitalize fake mile high, right?)  F*ck no I won’t!)

17 (20).  Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers.  You can write in Sharpie ink “10-6, NFC Wild Card Team”, as a floor, for any team he coaches, no matter who is under center.

You also can write in Sharpie ink “10-6, NFC Wild Card Team”, as a ceiling, for nearly every team he coaches, no matter who is under center.

16 (NR).  Doug Pederson, Philadelphia Eagles.  The highest rated first-time coach in this poll.  I happen to be higher on Philly than most NFL fans three months out from the start of the season.  (That, or just higher than most Philly fans.  (Pause).  On second thought, I’m not sure that outcome, is possible.)  Doug Pederson impressed the hell out of me the last three years with the Chiefs.  If you get a chance, go back and watch the game against the Bills on Thanksgiving weekend last year.  That was an offensive coaching masterpiece (by both squads, to be fair).  Mr. Pederson completely had Buffalo on their heels all day – and it ain’t like “Sexy” Rexy doesn’t know how to put together a defensive gameplan.

I totally see Philly as the “where the hell did they come from?!?!?!” stunning Wild Card team in the NFC.  You’re gonna love this hire, Philly fan.  You’re gonna love it.

15 (6).  John Fox, Chicago Bears.  The next three, four, five coaches to appear?  Just pull out that mythical hat again, and draw names.  You can’t go wrong with any of these guys.

14 (7).  Chip Kelly, San Francisco 49ers.  For those of you who question my sanity on this … you are aware the only non-Patriots team to win in Foxboro last year was coached by Chip, right?  You are aware that the Eagles entered Week Sixteen against the Redskins controlling their own destiny, right?  It’s not like last year was a complete and total debacle in Philadelphia.  The Eagles collapsed under expectations, true … but they controlled their own destiny to win the division with two to play!  And THAT got Coach Kelly fired?!?!?!?!  He’ll turn the 49ers around if given a couple years.

(Which means he’ll be coaching elsewhere by the spring of 2018.)

13 (24).  Jay Gruden, Washington Redskins.  You can count on three fingers, the number of coaches to win a division during “Chainsaw” Dan Snyder’s reign of error: Norval Eugene Turner (1999) – fired the following season.  shanarat (2012) – fired the next season.  And Jay Gruden (2016). 

Uuh … #sorrywill

12 (9).  Sean Payton, New Orleans Saints.  I’m curious to see what happens after this season.  Mr. Payton has more than earned the right to a rebuilding year or two.  Will he get it?

11 (11).  Pete Carroll, Seattle Seahawks.  Exactly where he was last year: at the bottom rung of the upper echelon.

That leaves ten men of vision, incomparable and unqualified success … and one of utter and total incompetence when it comes to clock management, left to rank.

Coming by Friday, Part Dos of the Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ NFL Coaches Power Poll.  In some order, you’ll see the head coaches of the Patriots, Texans raiders, “Super” Cardinals, Texans, Colts, Steelers, Ravens, Vikings, our Kansas City (crowd voice) Chiefs! …

… and your Cleveland Browns?!?!?!?!?!?! …

"the family" funeral, part uno: the preview.

“When are you gonna come down?

When are you going to land?

I should have stayed on the farm;

I should have listened to my old man!

You know you can’t hold me forever –

I didn’t sign up with you.

I’m not a present for your friends to open;

This boy’s too young to be singing the

Blues …

So goodbye yellow brick road!

Where the dogs of society howl.

You can’t put me in your penthouse!

I’m going back to my plough!

Back to the hallowed old owl in the woods,

Hunting the horny back toad.

Oh, I’ve finally decided?  My future lies?

Beyond the yellow brick

Road …

What do you think you’ll do then?

I bet they shoot down the plane!

It’ll take you a couple vodka and tonics,

To set you on your feet again!

Maybe you’ll get a replacement –

There’s plenty like me to be found.

Mongrels who ain’t got a penny,

Sniffing for tidbits like you on the

Ground …

So goodbye yellow brick road!

Where the dogs of society howl!

You can’t plant me in your penthouse –

I’m going back to my plough!

Back to the hallowed old owl in the woods,

Hunting the horny back toad.

Oh, I’ve finally decided?  My future lies?

Beyond the yellow brick

Road!!!!!! …”

-- “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” by Elton John.  It’s not only my favorite song by Mr. John … but if you read the lyrics, there’s a specific reference to all four members of “The Family” in there.  And there's one line, that perfectly describes, how I feel at this point … and it’s not the one you’d think, on first glance … or even the second one you'd think, on first glance ...

--------------------

August 15^th.

Five years ago that weekend?  “The Family” was truly forged (and I’d argued saved), by the 300,001st Ounce Tailgate.

Three years ago on that weekend, a collection of four friends known as “The Family”, enjoyed their last truly great moment, of that relationship. 

Two years ago on that (exact) day, the “Text Heard Round the World” set off the events that eventually murdered the friendship, even if it limped along for a few more months, until it was all but utterly massacred on Easter Sunday 2013. 

Massacred, via the ultimate disclosure – the admission by one member of the friendship, that everything they’d pledged to do, to save it? 

Had all been a lie.

A betrayal at Easter time that results in "death"? 

Remind me again – who is the one person you’ll ever know, who does not believe in coincidence?

--------------------

I believe in honoring the past – both the good, and the ugly – because it happened.  If it was great?  No wonder I’d want to honor it.  If it was ugly?  Then remember if only to learn from the mistakes.  And if it was some of both? 

Well, isn’t that what life is all about?  I believe a horrific television show noted that years ago:

“You take the good!

You take the bad!

You take ‘em both,

And then you have

The Facts of Life!

The Facts of Life!”

(Pause).  Allow me to offer my profound apologizes, for putting that theme song, in your head … and also allow myself the opportunity to point out, to those of you who believe there are people who never, no matter what, make mistakes in life?

George (bleeping!) Clooney?

Starred on this show, in its final two seasons.

--------------------

I choose to look back, and honor what was, I have no doubt, the greatest friendship I will ever enter into in my lifetime, in these six posts:

* Part Uno (this post) sets the scene to come.

* Part Dos is my eleven favorite memories of “The Ex”.  

* Part Tres is my eleven favorite memories of “The Chica”.  

* Part Cuatro is my eleven favorite memories of “The Champ”.  

* Part Cinco is my eleven favorite memories of “The Family”, as in these are moments that involved all four of us.  

* Part Sies, is the look back at the "Two Days in December", that ensured the friendship's downfall.

* Part Siete is the 27 Questions, I want answers to.

* And Part Ocho, is my final comments, regarding this once-great friendship.  Which most people would call, a "eulogy".  

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Most of these moments will be funny, or emotional.  A few won’t be pretty, but because I’m me, they mattered to me*.

And because all of them mattered to me?

That makes them memorable.

--------------------

(*: I know, I know – I’m just building the case against me, before the state steps in, and assigns me to my new home at Two Rivers Psychiatric.)

--------------------

The forty-four(ish) moments** to be fondly (or at least semi-fondly …) remembered, are as follows.  

And like ESPN Insider?  I'll give you a free look, into six moments, to be shared, via this neat little deal known as a "link", in the moments mentioned below ...

“The Chica”:

11: (The Chica Voice) “So My Mom Found Your Site …”

10: (The Chica Voice) “I Want To Talk.  Can I Come Over?”

9: (The Chica Voice) “Bring The Lil’ Scoops.  I Love The Lil’ Scoops!”

8: (The Chica Voice) “I Haven’t Watched It Yet!  I Waited For You!”

7: (Stevo Voice) “Wait – You’re a NASCAR Fan!?!?!?”

6: (Stevo Voice) “Wait – You’re a denver broncos Fan!?!?!?”

5: (The Chica Voice) “Now, Since Your Mom Clearly Didn’t Teach You Certain Things …” 

4: The Last Moment I Believed “The Family” Was Capable Of Being Saved, The Chica Edition.

3: (Stevie Wonder Voice) “Someday At Christmas …”

2: (Stevo Voice) “Oh Come On!  It’s Not Like I Haven’t Ever Seen Them Before!”

1: The Interview.

“The Ex”:

HM: (Simon Cowell Voice) Pauler Abdul Night.

11: The Whipped Cream Shot.  

10: (“Seinfeld” Voice) “They Aren't Real … But They Are Spectacular!”

9: (The Ex Voice) “Yeah, Right.  Another Overtime?  Worst!  Excuse!  Ever!”

8: (The Ex Voice) “Wait – Are Those I Heart Beer Boxers You're Wearing?"

7: The First – And Only – Time In My Life, I Decide It’s Too Hot, To Be Outside.

6: The (Nearly) Fatal Conversation.

5: The (Totally) Perfect Saturday.  (Editors note: the link?  Is maybe my fifth favorite memory, of that day, at best.  The day was so damned perfect, the link, is at best, the fifth best part of it ... and those of you who know me even remotely, know how much seeing the performance I linked, meant to me, as I recorded it ...)

4: (Family Guy Voice) “Damn Nature!  You Scary!”

3: A Birthday Party Where the Guest of Honor Was Gavin DeGraw.

2: (Stevo Voice) “There!  It’s (Bleeping!) Done!  Are You Two (Bleeping!) Happy Now!”

1: (Maureen McGovern Voice) “There Has To Be A Morning After …”

 “The Champ”:

(Editors note: this might get updated, and elongated.  In the words of “The Champ”: “deal with it!”)

HM6: (The Champ Voice) “We Need Brown Sugar.”

HM5: (The Champ Voice) “Do You Think You Can Clear The Bar Out?”

HM4: Good Friday 2005.

HM3: (The Crush Voice) “I’m Going As The Office Slut!”

HM2: (The Champ’s Mom Voice) “You Can Drive A Stick!?!?!? / (Stevo Voice) Sure!”

HM1: BuKCsketball – The First Watching Party.

11: (The Champ Voice) “Why Don’t We Meet Up At Hooters?”

10: (Stevo Voice) “Hey, Are The Royals Playing Today?”

9: (Matt Saracen Voice) “My Eyes Were Open Coach!  They Were Wide Open!”

8: (Mary Felix Voice) “You Have To Hire Him!”

7: The Last Moment I Believed “The Family” Was Capable Of Being Saved, The Champ Edition.

6: (Stevo Voice) “So, What Are You Doing Friday Night?”

5: (The Champ Voice) “So It Says To Freeze Overnight, Then On Your Drive In, To Crank The Defroster Until The Temperature Reaches …”

4. Projekt Revolution.

3: The Best Weekend Of My Life, That Didn’t Involve A Member Of The Opposite Sex.

2: The Blackout.

1: Friday, November 20, 2009.

The (Meatloaf Voice) “Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad” Honorable Mention:

1. December 2, 2012.

The (Don MacLean Voice) "Day The Music Died" Honorable Mention:

1. December 14, 2012.

“The Family”:

11: (Advertisement Voice) “Asian Massages!  On (The) Second Floor!”

10: (The Champ Voice) “I Need You!  Now!  They’re Driving Me Insane!”

9: (NSYNC Voice) “It Ain’t No Lie!  Baby, Bye Bye …”

8: One Last Bonfire At The OK Corral Known As Stubbs …

7: (Stevo Voice) “Why Do We Need A Kid’s Chair?” / (The Champ’s Mom Voice) “She Has My Permission To Use (His) Full Name!”.

6: (The Ex Voice) “Really?” / (The Chica Voice) “Why Am I Not Surprised?”

5: (The Chica Voice) “I Thought He Wanted To Give Me The Business!”

4: The Actual First “Date”.

3: The First “Official” Date.

2: The Last New Year’s Eve, Of Life As It Was.

1: (Random Narrator Voice) "So Two Guys Walk Into A Bowling Alley ..."

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(**: there's only one serial killer(s) I've ever been fascinated by, in my life.  David Berkowitz.  The Son of Sam.  The .44 Caliber Killer.  No, I do not believe in coincidence, in picking 44 specific moments, in this murdered friendship, to fondly recall.  Oh, and go figure, that figure of 44, checks in at closer to 60, than 44.  Uum, you're welcome?)

--------------------

Part Dos, my favorite memories of “The Chica”, will be up mid-week.  As Mr. Hoduski would note: “stay tuned” …

2013 chiefs in review: part uno

“I was checked in by four;

Put the sign on the door.

Looked out the window

Of the seventeenth floor.

Talked to the city

That knows me by name,

And all the bad things

That I do.

I shed five bitter tears,

Into five bitter beers;

Looked at my watch and said,

“Where have the years gone?”

I’m wasting away

Like a castle of clay,

Slowly crumbling too …

Every Monday?

I get this pain.

Every Wednesday?

It hits my brain.

Every Friday I die,

‘Cause everyday?

(Boom boom boom boom boom!)

I still … think of you …”

-- “Every Monday” by Marvelous3, the single most criminitely, grousely underrated band of all time.

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Well, it's time for the saddest post of the year -- the look back at the Chiefs season that was.  This post can only be, uuh, posted, once the Chiefs season is over.  I was in Indianapolis to witness the end to one of the more amazing seasons the Chiefs have had -- certainly the best in a decade.  Which is probably why I'm still going to need a solid six months of therapy with Stevo's Site Numero Dos' Official Therapist, the right Reverend Al K. Hall, before I can possibly begin to comprehend how this season ended.

So, let's do this.  If you're familiar with the site, you know how this works.  If not, basically, I'll look back at the things both great and awful of the season that was, grade every meaningful member of the organization and roster for their job performance, and post the "Stevo Dream Schedule" for 2014, along with my draft and free agency thoughts (if I have any).

--------------------

Part I is the Dream Schedule, and Highs, Lows, and Favorites.

Part II is the Professor Stevo Report Cards.

Part III is what truly matters -- where the hell are we at, how the hell did we get here, and where do we go from here?

Oh, and to answer the obvious: yes, I am not just renewing my ticket, if the seat next to me is available, I'm re-adding my extra as well.  If only because this home schedule next year, is wickedly delicious.

In fact, let's start there.  Let's open with ...

--------------------

1. The Stevo Dream Schedule for 2014.

Preseason:

Week One: at Packers, Saturday August 9, 7pm CT (Chiefs TV Network).

Week Two: vs Eagles, Saturday August 16, 7pm CT (Chiefs TV Network).

Week Three: at Texans, Saturday, August 23, 7pm CT (Chiefs TV Network).

Week Four: vs Vikings, Thursday, August 28, 7pm CT (Chiefs TV Network).

Reasoning / Rationale: there won't be a (don criqui voice) Governor's Cup Trophy game in preseason this year, as the Chiefs and Rams do battle in the regular season.  The Chiefs routinely schedule some combination of these four squads in the preseason, and none of them appear on the regular season schedule in 2014.  Your "Double Header Day" is August 28th; the only two weeks that work for the "Double Header Day" are the first and last.  Royals host the Twins that Thursday; why not make it a true twin-bill, ala 2003.  (Royals host the Giants the first weekend of the preseason; the Chiefs and 49ers play at whatever the hell their new stadium will be named in the 2014 regular season, so the 49ers won't be on the preseason schedule.)

Also, it gives the Chiefs an opportunity for decent measurement -- two division champions, and two teams who fell back to the pack a year after making the postseason.  The third preseason game is always the most important; if the Chiefs can't give a 2-14 Texans squad that (in my opinion) just royally screwed the pooch on their coaching hire, it doesn't bode well, given the presence of seven games against 2013 playoff teams (including all four conference finalists) on the 2014 schedule.

Regular Season:

Week One: vs Jets, Sunday September 7, noon (CBS).

Week Two: at raiders, Sunday September 14, 3pm CT (CBS).

Week Three: at broncos, Sunday September 21, 3pm CT (CBS).

Week Four: vs Rams, Sunday September 28, noon CT (FOX).

Week Five: at Steelers, Monday October 6, 7:30pm CT (ESPN).

Week Six: vs Patriots, Sunday October 13, 3pm (CBS).

Week Seven: at Bills, Sunday October 20, noon (CBS).

Week Eight: bye.

Week Nine: vs Titans, Sunday November 2, noon (CBS).

Week Ten: vs Seahawks, Monday November 10, 7:30pm CT (ESPN).

Week Eleven: at "Super" Chargers, Sunday November 16, 3pm CT (CBS).

Week Twelve: at "Super" Cardinals, Sunday November 23, 3pm CT (CBS).

Week Thirteen: vs Broncos, Thursday November 27, 7:30pm CT (NBC).

Week Fourteen: at Dolphins, Sunday December 7, noon CT (CBS).

Week Fifteen: at 49ers, Sunday December 14, 3pm CT (CBS).

Week Sixteen: vs raiders, Sunday December 21, noon CT (CBS).

Week Seventeen: vs "Super" Chargers, Sunday December 28, noon CT (CBS).

Reasoning / Rationale: No matter how you try to stage the schedule, this is going to be a weekly struggle.  The simple fact, gang, is that:

(a) the Chiefs play seven games against 2013 playoff squads (two each against denver and San Diego; one each against Seattle, San Francisco, and New England), all of whom figure to be in the thick of the playoff race again, and

(b) the Chiefs play four more games against teams that finished .500 or better in 2013 (one each against Miami, the Jets, Pittsburgh, and Arizona), and two of those squads (Pittsburgh and Arizona) were the "first team out" in their respective conferences.

That's eleven -- eleven! -- difficult contests on paper eight months out.  And of the remaining five games?  Three (Tennessee, St. Louis, and Buffalo) are against teams that finished within shouting distance of .500, and the other two are against our bitter rivals, the Pride N Poise Boyz by the Bay.

Here's why I set it up, as I did.  

Let's get my 1A / 1B matchup out of the way right off the bat.  Also, if you look at the first three weeks and note "wow, Stevo, we've seen this before!", then you're an astute observer.  The first three weeks are exactly as the 2005 Chiefs season (the last one that entering it, on paper, looked as brutal as this one does), only with zero prime-time games, instead of two, in that stretch.  There is no reason, none, the Chiefs should not be 2-2 at worst after the first quarter, and I'd argue anything less than 3-1 is a deep disappointment.

Your second quarter gets appreciably harder.  The Steelers game is the Chiefs first prime-time appearance, because I'm pretty sure Paul Tagliabue passed an addendum back in the early 1990s that every Chiefs / Steelers game must be played in prime time, or in the national television slot***.  Then a huge game against the Patriots on a short week, followed by a trip to The Ralph, before a bye and a very winnable game against the Titans at Arrowhead.  Again, there is no reason the Chiefs cannot be 4-4 at worst after this stretch, and I'd argue anything less than 5-3 is a very deep disappointment.  (Personally, I'd argue anything less than 6-2 is a bad sign, but 5-3 is manageable, depending on what denver and San Diego do.  Sorry, oakland fan -- your squad sucks something awful.  Another also-ran season for the red-headed stepsister of the AFC West.  As it should be!  (Cue every Chiefs, broncos, and Chargers fan nodding in agreement at the truth of that previous statement.))

The third quarter is where it gets really, really tough.  Home games against your two Super Bowl participants (including the donkeys on a short week in prime time on Thanksgiving night), and the two roadies are against well-coached rising powers.  The Chiefs have to find a way to take two in this stretch, and one of them has to be against denver or San Diego.

The last quarter sees the close of a stretch of four of five on the road, before closing with two divisional home games.  Three of four in the last four is extremely doable.

This schedule sets the Chiefs up for 10-6 barring catastrophic injuries, with a ceiling of 12-4, and a floor of 8-8.  And in case you think that's not good enough, remember this: if Ryan Succup hits the field goal as time expires in San Diego, then 8-8 gets you in this past season (the Steelers were the first out at 8-8). 

(***: in case you don't believe me, here are your Chiefs / Steelers matchups since 1992, in reverse:

2012: at Steelers, Monday Night Football.

2011: at Chiefs, Sunday Night Football.

2009: at Chiefs, no special designation.

2006: at Steelers, CBS national game.

2003: at Chiefs, no special designation.

2001: at Chiefs, CBS national game.

1999: at Chiefs, CBS Saturday game.

1998: at Chiefs, Monday Night Football.

1997: at Chiefs, Monday Night Football.

1996: at Chiefs, Monday Night Football.

1993: at Chiefs, playoff game.

1992: at Chiefs, Sunday Night Football.

12 matchups, 10 of them nationally televised.  Unreal.)

OK, with fantasy and conjecture and wishful thinking dispensed with, I guess now it's time to look back at ...

2. The Bests and Worsts of the 2013 Season.

Best Game (Performance): at Redskins, week fourteen.  A 45-10 ass whipping in the snow, that felt more like 503 to negative 2.  The only way this game could have gone better, is if mike shanarat had been poop canned immediately afterwards (instead of three weeks later).

Worst Game (Performance): vs Colts, week sixteen.  Do you realize this is the only game all season, the Chiefs did not have the ball with under eight minutes to play, where they either (a) were already leading, or (b) driving to tie or take the lead?  The other five losses (at broncos, vs Chargers, vs broncos, at Chargers, at Colts), the Chiefs controlled the outcome of the game, ball in hand, midway through the fourth quarter.  This season was like the Bizarro World version of last year's Chiefs, only in a good way.

Favorite Game (Overall): vs Texans, week seven.  As someone who'd much rather watch a 17-16 chess match than a 45-44 shootout where the last team to have the ball wins, this game was a throwback to the glory days of the 1990s.  A brilliantly coached game on both sides, with the difference being that fourth quarter by the Chiefs defense.  Sixteen Texans plays in the fourth quarter.  One first down.  Negative two yards.  Zero points.  "Dayum nature!  You scary!"

Best Performance (Player): Alex Smith, at Colts, wildcard weekend.  This one will no doubt get lost in the shuffle for eternity, given the ending and outcome of the game.  But folks?  Folks?  Alex Smith's stat line that day?  30/46, 378 yards, 4 TD / 0 INT, Rating 119.7.  And that doesn't even account for his rushing stat line that day -- 8 carries, 57 yards, including two critical first down conversions on 3rd and long.

And he did all this, despite not having Jamaal Charles for the final 55 minutes, despite not having Donnie Avery for most of the second half, and despite not having his starting left tackle (Eric Fisher), who didn't even make the trip to Lucas Oil, and it showed -- poor Alex was sprinting for his life on nearly every snap he dropped back to throw (and literally on eight snaps, seven of which he did drop back to throw on).

Worst Performance (Player): Quintin Demps, vs Chargers week twelve.  My God.  I honestly don't know where to begin on his p*ss poor afternoon that frigid November afternoon.  Was it refusing to take a knee on every single kickoff, even though Nick Novak was booting them to damned near the back line of the end zone?  Was it allowing some Chargers WR I cannot pronounce the name for, on a play when everyone in the stadium knew Phyllis Rivers was going deep, to get open and score the game winning points?  Was it missing so many tackles in the open field, I started calling him "Chuck", after Charles "Chuck" Mincy -- the second worst defensive back in Chiefs franchise history -- and NOBODY was laughing, because EVERYONE around me knew who I was referring to, and why?  Sorry "Chuck" -- you turned in the worst individual day this season, and really, outside of your "effort" in Indy in the wildcard game, nobody else is even in the running for this honor.

Favorite Performance (Player): Knile Davis, at Colts, wildcard weekend.  Mr. Davis stepped into an impossible situation.  Asking a rookie -- any rookie -- to carry the load, on the road, in as bat sh*t crazy with fan noise as Lucas Oil Stadium is, is nearly asking the impossible.  Asking him to do it given (a) his history of fumbling throughout the season, (b) the utter inability of the offensive line to blow a hole open for him, and (c) that he literally had no backup, no support, with Jamaal Charles' out due to being concussed, was asking the absurd.

Davis delivered.  18 carries for 67 yards and a touchdown.  7 receptions for 33 yards and a touchdown.  And he and Sir Alex had the Chiefs moving into range for what might have saved the victory from the ensuing jaws of defeat, before he tragically blew out his knee with about six minutes to play, and the Chiefs driving for what might have been the clinching points of the contest.

Oh, and zero turnovers.  He didn't even put the ball on the ground on the play he was injured.  Here's hoping for a speedy, Jamaal Charles' like recovery, because I cannot wait to see these two lined up in the backfield together next fall, and watch the league's various defensive minds, try to account for the weapons the Chiefs will hopefully throw at you on every single play.

Best Play (Player): Tamba Hali's strip sack / DJ's recovered fumble on the Texans final snap from scrimmage, week seven.  The recap of the play leads off, and closes, the recap of that contest.

Worst Play (Player): Donnie Avery's dropped bomb early on, at broncos, week eleven.  Of every "what if" that us Chiefs fans get to torture ourselves with this offseason, this one tops the list.  What if Donnie Avery holds onto the bomb and scores as he should have (and like he did at Indy in the wildcard round)?  That first matchup with denver has a whole different outlook, if the Chiefs open the field up early (as they tried to do).  Dishonorable mention to Cyrus Gray's utter lack of speed and closing ability at Indy in the wildcard round.  If Jamaal Charles is on the field for that wide, wide open wheel route, the Chiefs win the game.  If Knile Davis is on the field for that wide, wide open wheel route, the Chiefs win the game.  Unfortunately, Cyrus Gray was the last running back standing on the field, for that wide, wide open wheel route.  The Chiefs lost the game.  Hang on, I need to spent a few moments "conversing" with my good friend, the Rev. Al K. Hall, before continuing.

Favorite Play (Player): The Hali / DJ strip sack and recovery of Case Keenum, week seven.  That, ladies and gentlemen?  THAT is what Terrorhead used to mean.  And that might be my favorite play by a Chiefs player in at least five years, since Larry Johnson took that final handoff against denver that magical September Sunday in 2008, and ended 345 days of losing.

Best Play (Coach / Call): the underneath route to Dexter McCluster for a 28 yard touchdown, vs broncos, week thirteen.  This thing was a thing of beauty.  Great play call by Doug Pederson in that spot -- confusing the donkeys with a power set I formation, then sending both Dwayne Bowe and Donnie Avery end-zone bound, which opened the middle of the field wide, wide open.  Dexter could have walked in, there was so little resistance to the play.

Worst Play (Coach / Call): the entire second half on defense, at Colts, wildcard round.  Put it this way: if you can pour yourself a stiff enough Weller and Diet Coke, and watch the second half, you'll notice the Chiefs played a 5-0 cover one for damned near the entire half.  It forced zero punts, allowed five touchdowns (while earning ten points ultimately off turnovers), and is a huge, key factor as to why the Chiefs lost, because there were no linebackers in the play, to prevent Andrew Luck from simply grabbing the ball and diving forward.  There wasn't anyone there to oppose his lunge.

Favorite Play (Coach / Call): Alex Smith around right end for a critical fourth down conversion, at Colts, wildcard round.  Why, you ask, was this my favorite play of the season?  Because the Colts had just run the same damned play, right down to the fake handoff to the fullback up the center that every person in the building -- including me -- fell for, not even forty five minutes earlier.  I love coaching staffs that aren't afraid to admit the opposition's game plan is better, and steal it for themselves.  Joe Pendry wouldn't have done that.  Paul Hackett wouldn't have done that.  "Are You" Jimmy Raye wouldn't have done that.  Al Saunders never would have done that.  Chuck Weis never would have done that.  Brian Daboll wouldn't even think to do that.  And poor Mike Solari is still trying to finish coloring in the kiddie menu at whatever IHOP he's bussing tables at. 

Best Game (Weather): vs Cowboys, week one.  Anytime the t-shirt is off, and draping my shoulder, by the middle of the first quarter?  It's a damned good weather game for a football game.

Worst Game (Weather): at Colts, wildcard round.  All that damned snowstorm cost was eating one night's hotel room, a drive home from hell itself once we got to, uuh, hell itself (that would be Columbia), and an inability to properly deal with the worst Chiefs defeat of my lifetime, because we all had to keep our wits about us just to simply see ten feet in front of us for the last four hours of that trip (which usually only takes ninety minutes).

Favorite Game (Weather): at Jaguars, week one.  Because anytime you can watch your team whip another team's behind while floating in the pool, vodka tonic(s) in hand, in 104 degree temperatures, you have to do it.

Up next?  The Report Cards.