Wednesday, August 20, 2014

"the family" funeral part ocho: the final goodbyes

“Someday?  Out of the blue?
In a crowded street, or a deserted square?
I’ll turn and I’ll see you,
As if our love were new –

Someday?  We can start again,
Someday soon …

I still believe.
I still put faith in us.
We had it all,
And watched it slip away.

Where are we now?
Not where we want to be.
Those hot afternoons?
Still follow me.

Someday?  Out of the blue?
Maybe years from now,
Or tomorrow night.

I’ll turn and I’ll see you,
As if we always knew,
Someday?  We would live again,
Someday soon …”


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(editors note 8/20 9:13pm: part siete is delayed.  I wound up with 71 questions, I'm trying to pare down to 26 ... because Question Twenty Seven, is in this post.  I hope to have it up soon ... but I didn't want to delay this one, at the expense of what should have been a previous one.  I swear to God, it makes sense to me.)

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To The Ex:

I am so damned sorry I failed you.

I should have stood my ground.  I should have kept fighting against Josh, against what I, and so many of your friends, saw him to be … and what, if I am to believe the reports from afar, you’ve finally figured out.

I am sorry, I gave up.  I am sorry, I didn’t keep trying.  You – and everyone reading this – have no idea how much I blame myself, for what has happened to you, and with us.

Please know, when you are ready to seek the help you need, there will be no judgment on my part, or anyone else’s.  We just want “our girl” back.  You have so many people who blindly love you, blindly care about you, blindly support you and just want the best for you.  I wish I could articulate how many times “man, it’s not the same without Katie here” has been said by so many people poolside this summer.

When you’re ready to talk, I’ll meet you anywhere, anytime, anyplace, with no preconditions, with no requirements.  I just want the best for you – now, and then, and always.

But if our “moment” before your wedding is our final goodbye?  Then your conscience should be clear.  Mine never will be, but yours should be.  If that was our last day, our last hurrah?  Then at least we went out acceptably.


You’ll always be the one, I just can’t forget.

I suppose my final comment would be this:

“And it seems to me,
You lived your life,
Like a candle in the wind.

Never knowing
Who to cling to,
When the rain set in.

And I would have liked
To have loved you,
But I was just a kid.

Your candle?
Burned out long before,
Your legend ever (will) …”

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To The Champ and to The Chica:

(And ultimately, to all of you reading this:)

All I ask of all of you seeing this – and of the two of you – is to simply compare Dusty and Kellie’s words, to their actions, and you decide which is the truth, and which is the lie.

* Dustin claims this was about nothing more than a bowling league team.

So take him at his word.  Assume that is a truthful statement.  What would you expect he and Kellie’s actions to be, if that was the case?

You’d expect him to own his decision.  You’d expect them to still include me, still be friendly towards me, be kind towards me.  You would reasonably expect that the ONLY thing that would change in our relationship, is the lane we bowled on.

What do you believe – Dustin’s words, or Dustin’s actions?

* Kellie claims she does her best, to always do what is morally right.

So take her at her word.  Assume that is a truthful statement.  What would you expect doing what is morally right, to encompass?

You’d assume that when she tells me that I need to talk to Dustin, she’d make Dustin talk to me, right?  You’d assume that she would always tell the truth no matter what, right?  That she’d honor her promises, honor her word, do what she commits to do, correct?  You’d assume that she wouldn’t defend wrong when it occurs, but would condemn it.  You’d assume that she would treat everyone fairly, equally, and decently.

What do you believe – Kellie’s words, or Kellie’s actions?

* They both claim to stand for complete openness and honesty, at all times.

So take them at their word.  Assume that is a truthful statement.  What would you expect being open and honest, would entail?

You’d expect them to, at a barest minimum level, to own every decision and choice they make, no?  To defend it, explain it, account for it?  You’d expect them to never fail to give of themselves, what they demand of others, right?  For example, if they demand I allow them to come over and talk, you’d expect them to agree to talk to me, right?  I mean, openness and honesty requires conversation, does it not?

And you would expect, if they demand honesty, that they’d always tell the truth.  That promises wouldn’t be broken, that lies wouldn’t be told and/or tolerated and/or defended?  That every single action and comment undertaken and made, would be explained, accounted for, and answered for, when an explanation, accounting, or answer is asked for, right?

What do you believe – Dusty and Kellie’s words, or Dusty and Kellie’s actions?

* They both claim to stand for tolerance, inclusion, and acceptance of all.

So take them at their word.  Assume that is a truthful statement.  What would you expect tolerance and inclusion and acceptance to include?

At a barest minimum level, it would mean never intentionally excluding someone, right?  It would mean never intentionally snubbing or leaving someone out, right?  It would mean never blacklisting someone because of who they are friends with, correct?

It would mean treating others with respect, and kindness, and decency at all times, would it not?

What do you believe – Dusty and Kellie’s words, or Dusty and Kellie’s actions?

* They both claim that they have done nothing wrong, and nothing to be explained, accounted for, or defended – let alone, apologized for.

So take them at their word.  Assume that is a truthful statement.  What would you expect above-board transparency to be?

You’d never expect Dusty’s teammate to openly confront him, and tell him he was wrong in everything he did to me, as Cam did in our presence near the end of our final season as leaguemates, right?  You’d be stunned if Kellie’s teammate notes to our faces that “if Dusty had done this to me, I’d have bitch slapped him”, as Ammie did a week before “The Lies of Lew’s” went down, right?  

You would never in a thousand years have leaguemates, teammates, and friends asking out loud why they weren’t invited to any of Kellie’s showers for Miles, let alone long-time friends of all of us asking the same question, right?

Because they’d have been nothing but open and honest, transparent, fair and reasonable, tolerant and accepting, and truthful and kind, every day for the last two years, right?

What do you believe – Dusty and Kellie’s words, or Dusty and Kellie’s actions?

* "The Post" that angered them so much, the one I put up last May, in which I detailed maybe 40% of all they’ve done, using their quotes, their actions, their decisions, to explain this fight from my perspective.

I was told by Dustin – quite angrily, I might add – that that post?  Made Kellie cry.

So take him at his word.  Assume that is a truthful statement.  And ask yourself, why did that post, make Kellie cry?

Did she cry because she was embarrassed at her actions?  (Nope.)  Did she cry because she realized how hateful, how disrespectful, how intolerant, how unkind, how unfriendly, she and her husband had been towards me, and so many of you?  (Nope.)  Did she cry because she was disgusted with herself, and immediately act on those tears by reaching out to me, apologizing to me, attempting to make things right between us?  (Nope.)

Or did she cry, because all of you finally got to see who she really is, and that’s what upset her?  Not the lies she and Dusty spun to you and anyone who would listen, but the truth about this fight, and what utterly repulsive people they have become -- is that what made her cry?  (Bango!)

Again, what do you believe, their words … or their (lack of) actions?

* And for this one, I beg you – I demand of you! – please, do not have ANYTHING capable of being spat up in your mouth, when you read it.

Because Kellie, on the night she invited herself over, demanded I do for her on ten minutes notice what she and her husband have refused every request I’ve made to do for me, looked me in the face, as she was lecturing me on how wrong it is to lie (when the only way she could know I lied to her at Lew’s, was if they lied to me first), and said with the utmost of seriousness, that “Steve?  There are three types of people I will never tolerate in my life: a liar, a thief, or a cheater.”

(Hang on, I failed to take my own advice.  I need to grab a towel real quick to clean up the upchuck mess on the laptop screen …)

(Hang on, I’m still laughing hysterically.  This might take five minutes.)

“There are three types of people I will never tolerate in my life: a liar, a thief, or a cheater.”

So take Kellie at her word.  Assume that … hang on, this is just too fucking funny, to stop laughing over.  (Stevo composing himself …)  OK.  Let’s try this again.

So take Kellie at her word.  Assume that is a truthfu – sorry.  I swear: this might be the last time I lose it hysterically, even thinking for a second of time, there’s a hint of truth to ANY of that statement …

(Stevo once again composing himself …)

OK, one last time.

So take Kellie at her word.  Assume that is a truthful statement.

Do you believe Kellie’s words … or do you look at who she’s married to, and whose child she has given birth to … and lose it, like I have been for the last six minutes -- let alone the last six years they've been together -- at what an utterly ridiculous lie, that statement is?

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The bottom line, readers and readettes, is that there is one thing, they cannot control, and that is the truth.

And the truth is?  All I have ever asked them to do, is what Kellie told me to ask them to do: talk.

So, I ask you, my dear readers, friends, and potential enemies after this post goes up – what do you choose to believe, Dusty and Kellie’s words?  Or Dusty and Kellie’s actions?

Have they owned their decisions and choices, or sought to hurt all of us who dared ask them to act with a maturity level we’d demand of a five year old, and simply accept the consequences and the natural outcomes of their actions?

Have they treated you and I fairly, tolerably, respectfully … or have we been shown nothing but contempt, hatred, intolerance, and exclusion?

Have they spoken kindly of me ... or trashed me and disparaged me every chance they get?

Did they take this fight public first ... or did I?  Which one of us sat silent for 206 days?  (And as they damned well know, even “The Voice of Reason” can confirm, I didn’t say one ill word about them, until after that entire season was over.  And they know he can confirm it, because they asked him to … and he did.)

And more to the point: whose decisions, choices, actions, and comments guaranteed this fight was going to happen, and end as it has ... and which side is the one that made every compromise, every concession, every offer of peace, up to and including letting Dusty and Kellie get away with ALL of it, on THEIR terms, at Lew's, nearly 650 days ago?

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And then, if you're still on the fence?

Ask yourself Question Twenty Seven, left out intentionally from the previous post*:

“If they’ll do this to me, given what they claim I meant to them – if they’ll treat me like they have every day for two plus years, without a shred of guilt, remorse, or regret, let alone disgust?  If they’ll do the things they have to me?

Do you really think they’ll hesitate to do to you, something even worse?”

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(*: still being edited, at the time of this post's original posting..)

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If every word Dusty and Kellie said this was about, and what they stand for, is the truth?

Then this is the most epic, pathetic, embarrassing failure of their lives.

Because it means between the two of them, they are so utterly bankrupt of character and courage, they cannot own a bowling league decision.

Let that sink in readers.  If they are telling the truth, then they are the most gutless chicken shit cowards?  To ever draw breath.  Because it means that between them, they have a pair so small, they cannot get out in front of, and own, a bowling league decision!

Again -- what do you believe: their words ... or their actions?  Because in this case, Dusty and Kellie?  You might want to own your actions, over your words, because good God above, even my (nearly) four year old nieces know, that when you leave the room?  You let everyone else know, you're walking out the door.  Do you want all of us to believe, you are so childish, so immature, so pathetically pussified, that you can't manage to do even that?  That, Champ y Chica, is what you demand your supporters accept as Gospel -- that this isn't a fight about right and wrong, but rather, this occurred because you're so wimpy, you can't own a bowling league decision!  If you're telling the truth?  Then that IS the truth!  THAT?  Is what you WANT us to believe?

Good God, Kellie.  You may be a lot of things, but I have NEVER viewed you, as a coward.

In order for your words, and comments, and stated intentions to be the truth?  You have to be more gutless than Wimpy.  Who'd happily pay you on Tuesday, for a hamburger today.  And today is Wednesday, last time I checked.

THAT?  Is what you want to be remembered for?

Jesus God above, for once in your life, will you open your eyes and see reality?

Either you are the most gutless chicken shit coward to ever draw breath ... or you're the biggest liar who cannot acknowledge being a liar, to ever draw breath.

If what you have stated is the truth?

You're one or the other.

I'll be damned if I will tolerate either, in MY life, at this point, or ever for that matter.

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But if every action of Dusty and Kellie is the truth?

Then this is the most unforgivable thing, anyone has ever done to me.

And considering Dusty’s lies and theft destroyed my financial existence (to say nothing of his, and Clark's, and (possibly) his folks, and (probably) The Chica, and (definitely) anyone else he scammed into Stubbs) for the better part of a year?  That’s saying something.

Because I could forgive the lies and theft at Stubbs.  At least I could understand that.

But Dustin?  You turning on me, and attempting to turn our friends – and my friends – against me, for what you caused my life to become for a spell?

That?  I cannot forgive.  Not absent one helluva humble apology, and one (or more) credible conversations in which you own this failure of yours, you own these mistakes of yours, and you take the necessary first steps to rebuild what you have intentionally destroyed.

Because either your words are the truth?

Or your actions are.

And anyone with an IQ above that of a corpse at this point, knows that it’s actions, not words, that reveal what the truth, really is.

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I choose to begin the close with this:

I do not believe in coincidence.

I wanted this post to go up on August 20th, for a very specific reason.

A very specific, tragic, (arguably) life-altering reason, for me.

Ten years ago today, one of my three or four best friends growing up, passed away.  Today, he would have turned 36.  He died in one car vehicular accident on his birthday – Friday, August 20, 2004.  Only those of us who knew him best, know it was no accident.

I went to his grave tonight, and I shed a few tears.  And by a few, I mean I was “that guy”, who lost it uncontrollably for no particular reason, on a 98 degree day at a tombstone, in central Shawnee, pushing 6pm, on a random Wednesday in late August.

I chose the overall theme I did, for this series of posts (“Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”), because it just perfectly fits.  Because I’ve never known anyone in my life who reminds me more of James, than Dusty did.

They never met.  Or I should say, if they ever did, I never knew about it. 

They almost did; James’ death prevented a meeting by a few days.  But they never met as far as I know.  If they had?  I think they’d have been amongst the best of friends … because God above, were they the same person.

And again, from the "I don't believe in coincidence" file -- while Dusty and I were friends before James' passing, I'd argue our friendship truly grew from "yeah, decent tailgating buddy, I'd have a beer with him after work" to "amongst the best of friends" the day after James' funeral and burial -- at the Projekt Revolution concert.

God gives ... and God takes away.

And now, God has taken away again.

For the first time in my life, I question how He can ever replace.

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From the outside, each of them had many friends of mine questioning what the fuck I ever saw in either of them, worth the pain they tended to cause.  One friend in particular, who quite frankly has never truly been able to stand either James or Dusty -- and in many regards, ever truly grasp me, for what it's worth, although he gets me more, than most do.

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And from the outside, I get it.  We all know people that are friends -- or more -- that we look at and think "what the hell?"  Hell, my brother jokes routinely that "I'm proof looks don't matter to scoring (the hottest girl in the room)!"  

Because viewing this from the inside?  

I just feel sorry.  And embarrassed.  Not just for what "The Family" has become, but for all of you who missed out, on what greatness was -- and you will never convince me, this friendship was anything, less than the greatest any of us that were a part of it, will ever experience.

Even in hindsight? 

I wouldn’t have missed it?

For the world.

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And that’s what I’ll miss the most of all about “The Family”, is the “inside baseball” part of what we were.  The things that only we’d get, only we’d find funny, only mattered to us.

There’ll never be another “boasheao” reveal at a random "happy hour" at her folks house, after a ten hour drive to get there.  There’ll never be another “There!  It’s done!  Are you (bleeping!) happy now!” moment of frustration over a grill.  There’ll never be another tailgate, another concert, another shoot the sh*t on the deck afternoon with a case of Miller Lite and a tobacco-like substance. 

There’s never be another … anything.

I’ll never meet Lil’ Champ, or any other Lil’ Champs or Chicas to come.  You all have no idea how much that pains me.  I will never meet Miles.  That seemed unthinkable three years ago; that seems perfectly reasonable today.

I’ll never experience the “big moments” in life ever again with any of them, and they never will with me.  Our last “moment” will be The Ex’s wedding to Josh, a moment that if The Champ, the Chica, and Stevo are being honest, none of us wanted to be at, because none of us wanted it to happen.

Only we were there, because The Ex asked us to be, and whatever some of our objections were (I refuse to speak for Dusty and Kellie on this one … although I’m guessing, they actually agree with me for once)?  If our friend asked us to be there for a big moment in life?  We were there, even if it broke us ... in some way, shape or form.

So let me bring this close, to an, uuh, "close", by noting the moment, the foundation of "The Family", saw the cracks first appear ... and it's been all rubble and ruin from there.

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Going to your hometown reception, Kellie, broke me and Katie financially.  We simply didn’t have the money to go.  I gave up my actual full season ticket to the Chiefs for 2011, to make it happen; I shifted my plan to a partial season, and gambled I’d manage to work my way into a seat the rest of the time.  

That?  Is what you meant to me.  

Katie also gave stuff up to be there; as she can confirm, we literally spent a day on The Deck mapping out which of us would pay for what for the other, to make that trip happen.  Hell, we spent part of that day combing through our emails for free giveaway "sign up and get gift card" emails, to make things work out.

That?  Is what you meant to us.

That?  Is what you meant to me.

That?  Is what you, Chica, spent every day that week bitching at us about, that you had to go three minutes out of your way, to pick us up at the cheaper hotel we could afford, instead of the one closer to your folks house, that we couldn’t. 

(Once again, and defending Dusty at this point is like spending a night in sobriety, but once again, Dusty didn't say a word.  I suspect, because just like with last Easter Sunday, he knew.  So there's your "inside baseball" moment for why I love the guy -- and James before him -- so damned much: he may be the most arrogant, selfish prick in the room ... but he had your back, if you were a true friend.

You all have no idea, how much it pains me to realize, Dusty doesn't have anyone's back nowadays, other than his own.  Twelve years, flushed down the proverbial crapper, because a twelve minute conversation, is asking too much of him, to give of himself.  Again -- believe his words, or believe his actions.  You cannot believe both.)

That, Chica?  Is what you and The Champ never got, never grasped, in any of this.

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Friendship?  Isn’t about money.  It isn’t about status.  It isn’t about where you lay your head down at night, and it sure as all hell isn’t about how you get to and from where you desire to be.

It isn’t about what you can get OUT of someone.

Friendship?  Is about what someone desires, craves, demands, to GIVE to you, with no questions asked -- because THEY?  Matter more to you, than YOU do.

That?  Is the truth you cannot deny.

And it is a truth, you no longer are capable, of embracing in a credible manner.

And that?  Is why we're probably gone-zo now, for us, probably forever.

Because if you two can’t see what friendship is about nearing the midpoint of your lives?

Then you’ll never get, what friendship is about.

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“Maybe you’ll get a replacement!
There’s plenty like me to be found.
Mongrels, who ain’t got a penny;
Sniffing for tidbits like you,

On the ground …

So goodbye yellow brick road!
Where the dogs of society howl.
You can’t plant me in your penthouse!
I’m going back to my plough.

Back to the howlin’ old owl in the woods;
Huntin’ the horny back toad.
Oh, I finally decided?  My future lies?
Beyond the yellow brick

Road …”

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No, you won’t.
And no, there aren’t.

And if Dusty?  If Kellie?  If Katie?  If you’re being honest?

You know I’m telling the truth, in those two statements.

Because those two statements?

Tell the truth, of how I feel about each of you.

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This?  Is what we had:




And that?  Is what we all apparently have decided, had no value, no meaning, no worth to any of us.

From this point forward, you all can explain why you are incapable of having a simple conversation, that would save a friendship, that all of our friends envied, and everyone who knows us, admired.

Because I'll be damned, if I'm ok with it.

And from this point forward?  You all can explain, what you got out of this, worth having.  You can explain to our friends what the hell you got out of this, that was greater than what you lost.

I truly hope, that whatever the rest of you got from destroying this relationship – and so many other freidnships and relationships, of people who cared for you, and liked you, and considered you as friends, until they saw how you treated me – I truly hope, you think whatever value, gain, worth, and meaning you got from all this, was worth what it cost you.

Because it sure as fuck wasn't worth it, to me ...

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