rnc night three: best convention night ever?

"You sit there and call me,
A liar and a thief?
I just wish you'd pin
A rose on me!

Now you won't even
Come out and take a bow?
Cryin' won't help you now!
Cryin' won't help you now!" ...

-- "Cryin' Won't Help You Now" by Ben Harper.

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Note: any links will either be added later, or never added.  I'm posting from work, where damned near every site under the sun is blocked.

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In the words of the late, great Robin: "holy sh*tballs Batman!"

Night Three of the Republican National Convention has come and (sadly) gone.  I guess, in the interest of full disclosure, that I should note that I am a political junkie.  I love a quality political drama ... but live for those moments of comedy that make politics so freaking neat.

Last night, we got both.

Say what you want to about "House of Wings", you gotta give him credit -- this has been one awesome convention to watch unfold.

And last night?

Is gonna be damned near impossible to top ...

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I missed the first half of the convention last night.  I went to the Royals game with some friends, then my brother and I took my dad out to dinner for his birthday.  When I got back, it was right as Toddler Ted took the stage.

If anyone has any doubts remaining as to why this three year old is so hated by damned near everyone who has the misfortune of having to deal with him or work with him?  Last night showed you why.  What a pathetic, embarrassing, ridiculous showing Toddler Ted put on last night.

(I thought Savannah Guthrie on "Today" put it perfectly: Judas Cruz.  That's a great one.  It might be better than Lyin' Ted -- a name he proved to be 100% true, last night.)

Look it, if you can't stomach "House of Wings" and refuse to vote for him?  Fine, wonderful.  Welcome to the club.  But I can guarantee you this -- if I was invited to speak at a convention designed to convince the country to elect "House of Wings" to the White House?  I would do exactly what John Kasich did, exactly what Jeb Bush did, exactly what former Presidents Bush did: I'd decline the invitation, and state publically why I'm doing it.  And then I wouldn't get within 500 miles of the convention, to make damned sure everyone knows that I intend to, in the words of Toddler Ted, "vote my conscience".

(Which of course, begs the question, how can Toddler Ted vote his conscience?  He clearly doesn't have one.)

And in true Toddler Ted style, go figure -- everything he clearly intended to do last night?  Blew up in his face.  Toddler Ted did more to unify the party last night than anything "House of Wings" or his family or any other speaker could have done this week.  Toddler Ted unified the elephants last night.  I guarantee you that's why "House of Wings" -- who claims he personally vetted the speech two hours in advance -- let Toddler Ted speak.  He knew what a goldmine this was going to be.  Because irregardless of your thoughts and opinions on "House of Wings", he is the nominee.  Period.  Only a toddler would try to sabotage things at this point.  Only a petty whiny three year old throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get his way, would behave as Toddler Ted did last night.

I mean, the only thing I could think of when he crossed the Rubicon, and dropped his "vote your conscience" line that completely and totally just changed this race, the only thing I was thinking of, is the classic scene from "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles", when Del and Neil are driving the wrong way, and a concerned motorist is frantically yelling at them, trying to get their attention:

(motorist) You're Going The Wrong Way!
(neil) What?
(motorist) You're Going The Wrong Way!
(neil to del) He says we're going the wrong way.
(del to neil) Oh, he's drunk!  How would he know which way we're going?
(neil to del) Yeah, how would he know which way we're going?
(neil to motorist) Thank you.  Thank you very much.
(del to motorist) Thank you!  (honks horn)  What a moron!

What a freaking idiot Toddler Ted is.  And what a brilliant move by "House of Wings", to let him walk right into the glass door face first.  (Like Secretary Kerry in London on Monday.  Seriously, what kind of an idiot walks into a glass door at 11 in the morning?)

I also loved how "House of Wings" timed his arrival to be right as Toddler Ted hit the final part of his speech -- the part Toddler Ted intended to end "House of Wings" run with, but instead just completely and totally sewed up the base.  I'm telling you, whatever you may think of "House of Wings", the man is a f*cking genius.

As really evidenced by ...

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Governor Mike Pence.

What a brilliant speech last night.  If "House of Wings" wins this thing (and for what it's worth, I actually think he's got a damned good chance), last night will be night people will point to as the turning point in this race.  You could tell the Governor was enjoying the hell out of the spotlight, and whoever wrote his speech deserves one hell of a raise this morning.  That was brilliant.

He was funny ("(House of Wings) is a man known for a large personality, a colorful style, and lots of charisma.  I guess he was looking for someone to balance out the ticket").  I love people who have a self-deprecating sense of humor, if only because nobody makes more fun of me, than me.  (It's one of my rules in life: "if you can't laugh at yourself, then you'll never be able to handle others laughing at you").

He absolutely nailed the Obama economy more perfectly than any person has to date ("They tell us this economy is the best we can do.  It's nowhere near the best we can do.  It's just the best that they can do").  He completely and totally sold the single biggest thing "House of Wings" has going for him -- he's not a politician ("Over in the other party, if the idea was to present the exact opposite of a political outsider, the exact opposite of an uncalculating truth teller?  Then on that score, you've got to hand it to the Democrats.  They outdid themselves this time").

I thought the best line of his speech -- other than the five or six that made me laugh out loud, they were genuinely funny -- was the line that nearly closed his speech, and damn if it isn't, uuh, damning, of what's coming next week:

"At the very moment when America is crying out for something different and new?  Democrats are about to anoint someone who represents everything this country is tired of".

When Governor Pence said that, I looked over at my brother, and said the following:

"Jesus.  They might actually win.  House of Wings might actually be our next President."

Folks?  Governor Pence was that damned good last night.  If I wasn't completely in the tank for Secretary Clinton, I'd listen tonight with two open ears, and possibly a whole eye wide, wide open as well.

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Three other things I forgot to mention, regarding last night.

First, I thought Newt Gingrich was great.  I've always liked Newt -- the last Republican prior to Paul Ryan that actually sought solutions with the Democrats, rather than cramming through their agenda or pouting like children when the other side rammed theirs through.  His rebuttal to Toddler Ted was perfect.

Second, I got a text from "The Voice of Reason" as I was heading to dinner: "G E Smith in the house!"  Hell yes!  If you don't know who G E Smith is kids, download the Saturday Night Live app, and pull up any season's episode from like season six through about season thirty.  G E Smith used to lead the house band.  He also is the spitting image of Daryl Hall.  (For years, I thought they were one and the same.  The lesson?  As always, I'm a f*cking idiot.)

And third, I thought Eric Trump was great.  Whatever one may think about "House of Wings", if his kids are even 1/1000th of a percent of a reflection of his parenting skills?  The man is one hell of a good dad.

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And so, the moment has arrived.  A little after 9pm CT tonight, Donald J. Trump will formally accept the Republican nomination, and address the nation in that capacity.  Only God knows what he's going to say.  Part of me is terrified -- because again, this isn't a man prone to stick to the script.  But the vast majority of me is so pumped for this.  Love him or hate him, "House of Wings" knows how to give a speech.  Forty million tuned in for Melania on Monday.  I guarantee you tonight is going to see viewership levels unseen for politics since what, 1976?  1980?  Whenever the hell (mean gene okerlund voice) your cable or satellite provider became a viable option, so the early 1980s?

Donald Trump has his date with destiny tonight.  Whatever it may eventually be noted for being, at least we know one thing going into it.  If only to ensure this gets said at least one more time on this site, ladies and gentlemen, the legendary, the greatness that is, Mr. Hugh M. Hefner.

(the great mr. hugh m. hefner voice) This is going to be something ... REALLY special!

And since this is politics week, there's only one thing to say in response to that.

(the late senator edward m. kennedy voice) You can bet your ass it's going to be!

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I'm not sure if I'll live blog tonight or not.  I had some issues with it on Monday -- for some reason, Blogger posts any updates to a, uuh, post, as a separate post.  If I can figure out a way to get around that (and I have a few ideas), I'll probably live blog up until at least "House of Wings" preps for his arrival.  I'm assuming his daughter will be introducing him; if she's even 20% as good as Eric and Junior were the last two nights, it'll be a solid introduction.  (Given that she was saved for last, I'm guessing she'll somehow be better than her brothers were the last couple nights.)

But even if I don't blog it, I will recap it tomorrow.

Because if last night was the greatest convention night of my life (and it was)?

I cannot WAIT to see how "House of Wings" is going to top it ...

the rnc night three: live ... thoughts

Hola!  And welcome to what is arguably the single most important night in our nation's history.  And no, that is not hyperbole.

Well, ok, fine, it is.  But this is certainly amongst the top five most important night's in this nation's history during my lifetime.  Governor Romney has to build on the awesome momentum that Secretary of State Rice and our nation's next Vice President gave him last night.

I'll stick with this for awhile, but I'm gonna peel away sometime in the 8pm hour, because I want to watch Romney's speech uninterrupted, and quite honestly, I'm so fired up to get to cheer for Mike Eruzione one more time that I need ten minutes to compose myself before he takes the stage.

As always, I'm logged into Yahoo! IM as teamtito15.  Feel free to comment there, or post a comment below.

Let's do this.

Jon Kyl is boring as hell.  Probably good my CSPAN feed keeps stalling.

Oh, same setup as usual -- MSNBC on the TV, CSPAN on the laptop.  Occasionally I'll flip to CNN.  I'll watch the final hour plus on ABC, which prior to Tuesday, was the last unbiased network left.  And now that they've fired their biased news dude on loan from Yahoo!, they are restored to their status as the last unbiased network left.

CSPAN replaying highlights from Ryan's speech last night.  How you lift only a section, I have no clue, that whole thing was phenomenal.  Even the lady who sits across from me (who is a huge Obama supporter), when she got there this morning, she said "he did a good job last night.  I'm finally worried (about winning)."

I think we're winning the debate!

On MSNBC: they're attacking Romney for being rich.  Unbelievable.  Actually, no, it's not, but still -- this is America for Christ's sake.  We LOVE greed!

As usual, Ed Schultz is the voice of reason on the panel.  And yes, I just used the phrase "voice of reason" to describe Ed Schultz.  When you're sitting next to Maddow, O'Donnell, Sharpton, and Hayes, with Matthews chiming in from a bar in Tampa (no, seriously -- the MSNBC set is in a bar!  Awesome!), you're by default the voice of reason.

Rachel Maddow just noted the "push back from the non-partisan press" today.  (stevo spitting out his vodka and mountain dew) WHAT?!?!?!

Chick on CSPAN noting third party candidate Gary Johnson is polling near double digits in Colorado and Nevada: "that could have an affect in a close election".  (Note to Stevo: stick more pins in Ralph Nader voodoo doll tonight ...)

In case you don't think I am DIALED into this election?  I TOTALLY forgot the Chiefs played tonight.  So I might have to flip to CBS on occasion now too.

On CSPAN: Orrin Hatch (UT) wearing a lei.  One of the funniest images of my life -- a Mormon Senator getting lei'd.

Per the schedule, Speaker Boehner gavels us in at 6:30.  Some band called Seven is doing the National Anthem.  Then Rep. Mack (FL) and a President Reagan tribute video, followed by former Speaker Gingrich.  That takes us to 7pm.

Reverend Al: "people are sitting around asking how can I keep my health insurance"  Uuh, Al?  I THOUGHT YOU GUYS FIXED THAT PROBLEM!

We're underway.

Decent Anthem.  And it looks like the joint is packed.  If I lived in the Bay area, I'd have found a way to sneak in.

I see Cardinal Dolan is giving the benediction tonight.  Uum ... ok, fine, I have my issues with the Church, so please, if you wonder why I think giving ANY Catholic minister even 2/1000ths of a podium to speak is BEYOND offensive, click here.  Rot in hell, Bishop Finn.  And the sooner, the better.

Oh God no.  "Stevo's Most Hated Band Ever" comes up, and the drunken delegate dancing begins.  If I have to hear the full song, I've Got a Feeling, That Tonight is Most Definitely NOT Gonna Be a Good Night.

We're already 5 minutes ahead of schedule.  Thank God.  I have to work tomorrow.

You gotta love a designed applause line that generates no response.  Nice job, Rep. Mack!

I really hope the RNC wasn't counting on picking up Florida to take the Senate, because there's no way this guy's beating Bill Nelson.  I'm falling asleep, and I'm only two cocktails in.

HOLY CRAP!  Stop the Presses!  The Jets!  Have!  Found!  The!  ENDZONE!!!!!  Take THAT, 1977 Falcons!

Reagan video starting.

(Stevo applauding loudly ...)  That was amazing.

Speaker Gingrich and whatever number trophy wife this is arrive on the podium.

Classy MSNBC -- they're streaming the CSPAN camera feed right now.  #lazyasf*ck

Drill!  Drill!  Drill!!!  And I say that as someone who currently doesn't operate a motor vehicle, so I'm spared the $3.76 / gallon gas.  Drill!  Drill!  Drill!!!

Looks like Jeb Bush is next, followed by Real World: Somewhere alumnus Sean Duffy (I'm thinking he was in Boston, but maybe New Orleans?), then Mitt's brother Craig.  Thank you GOP, for building in the Memorial WWE Women's Title Match for the conveniently timed bathroom break.

And yes, it is BEYOND awesome that GE Smith is back in my life.  #oldschoolsnlfan

Neat Hispanic Republicans video there.

Whoops, Craig is Romney's son, not brother.  Sorry 'bout that.

He's overwhelmed.  In his defense?  If I was introducing my father to the nation as it's next President?  I'd be overwhelmed too.  It's kind of neat to see, actually.

Hey, an ADA Branch sighting!  Or at least hearing.  Nice to hear Fred Thompson's voice.

Hey, how come none of these kids in this "I wanna be" video desire to be a 35 year old alcoholic live blogging a political convention?  (rimshot?)

OK, that's not the Sean Duffy I was expecting.  But -- I swear! -- the former "Real World" dude is a congressman from Wisconsin, and he's a Republican, and he's married to a Hispanic chick.  So yeah, I have NO clue who this Sean Duffy is.

Come on GOP, can't we haul Katherine Harris out there on stage, just to complete the raping tonight?  #stillbitterover2000

MSNBC still stealing CSPAN's feed.  Hang on, let me check CNN, maybe only one feed is working right now.  (Changing channel ...)  Well, Anderson Cooper is bloviating right now, so no clue.  But I know there's multiple feeds here for multiple networks, from flipping around last night.

And spare me the "check FOX!" crap response.  I can get behind this ticket because Obama's that awful.  But I'll be damned if I'm drinking the Kool-Aid -- I'm hopping on the truck with Congressman Ryan and praying I don't get gunned down.

(My God, the Jamestown throw-away references don't work anymore ... because a Congressman Ryan seeks to become our next Veep.  Dammit all!  Dammit all to hell!)

Stunner -- the District's schools are failing.

Oh, Sean Duffy's a teacher.  OK, now this makes sense.  Although I still with it was the former Real World dude.

Wait -- since when do Republicans launch "stem labs" that "promote science"?  I thought they opposed stem cell research, and thought women being raped can just "shut that thing down"?  I'm confused.

And yes, the fact that a certifiable f*cking IDIOT like Todd Akin is TIED with Claire McCaskill?  FRIGHTENS me.  I FLED Kansas to get away from morons like Todd Akin.  Turns out I traded in Phill Kline for something just as bad.

FYI -- I have no problem with vouchers ... so long as vouchers are only used in public education within the same district as the child lives in.  Having said that, as the son of a long-time teacher and proud NEA member?  I totally understand why the teachers oppose vouchers so much.

I'm not trying to intentionally make fun of this current speaker ... but he's coming off like a poorly played Tracy Morgan SNL character.

FYI -- this is about to get UGLY.  There is not ONE thing worth listening to or watching over the next 30 minutes -- it's Romney's fellow Church members, the band that did the Anthem, and that annoying chica from Washington who makes me understand why Elvis shot his television screen.

Stat -- flip to MSNBC!  Matthews and Schultz are having a verbal throwdown of a generation!

This is EPIC!  And Reverend Al chimes in on Matthews' side!  I swear to Christ, Ed Schultz might kill Sharpton during the next commercial break.

It's probably good Matthews and Schultz are 2,000 miles apart.

Now Rachel's mad as hell!  And poor Chris Hayes is sitting with a "f*ck no, I'm not jumping in!" look.

And now HE jumps in!

DAMMIT!  Maddow shuts this down.  Although she's making fun of it and pissing off both Schultz and Matthews.  #whyilovemaddow

We're at commercial.  If Reverend Al doesn't reappear ... uum, remember that old joke where President Bush goes to speak to a class, a kid named Stanley asks him why we invaded Iraq when there were no WMD's, then the bell for recess conveniently rings?  Kids come back, and (go figure) a kid named Steve then asks the President "why did we invade Iraq when there were no WMD's ... and also, why did the bell ring ten minutes early, and where the hell is Stanley?"  If Reverend Al isn't there when they come back from break ... uum ... why did you go to break ten minutes early, and where the hell is Reverend Al?

Maddow just explained (inadvertently) why they're using CSPAN's feed.  Makes sense.  (Namely, NBC's isn't live until 10pm ET).

Wow.  Uum, if THIS guy was the "bishop" of my church?  I wouldn't go.  Wait, I don't go now ... so what the hell, speak away!  I mean, this guy looks like a damned undertaker.  (No offense, Donnie).  This guy wouldn't know how to crack a smile if Jesus Christ of said Church of said Latter Day Saints grabbed both of his cheeks and pulled them apart.

"Pure religion is to visit the fatherless and the widows in their affliction".  Wait, I thought it was to collect kiddie porn on a computer and molest the alter boys?

Or to, I don't know, like, oh, let's say, a former pastor that was my neighbor growing up, "abscond with the Church treasury and the Church secretary two weeks before retiring".

FYI -- we have NOT seen Reverend Al since coming back from commercial.  (law and order voice) DUH DUH!

Matthews still looks steamed, for what it's worth.

WHEW!  Reverend Al sighting.  I was getting worried.

This current story on CSPAN has me tearing up.  If ANYONE doubts Mitt Romney is one HELLUVA good man, cue up the Oparowski's speech when it's available.  What a story.

The Pam Finlayson testimony for Mitt is even better.  If you've ever had someone you love born premature and have to see them in the pre-mee incubator?  Yeah.  I'm in tears right now.

"When it comes to loving your neighbor, you can live it, or you can say it.  The Romney's live it every single day".  Awesome.

I swear to God, there wasn't a dry eye in the house when Kay finished.  Nor should there be.  I have rarely been prouder to back a candidate than I am right now.

Gotta admit, this is just about done.  Up next is twenty minutes of Bain Capital background apparently.  Not that I mind -- it's just gonna be snore-inducing.

Looks like we're 40 minutes away, give or take a couple, from what's gonna rank as the highlight of this convention to me, when (in my never humble opinion) THE greatest US Olympian of all time introduces the man who saved the 2002 Olympics:

("do you believe in miracles" hbo documentary voice) "It was then that Eruzione, whose name literally means "eruption" in Italian, chose to erupt."
(ken dryden voice) "Al, the US team is relying a little too much on goalie Jim Craig right now --"
(al michaels voice) "Eruzione!  He shoots!  He scores!  Oh my Goodness!  AND NOW YOU'VE GOT BEDLAM!!!!"

There are four plays guaranteed to make me cry every time I see them: Tamarick Vanover's punt return for a touchdown against San Diego; Cory Schlesinger's game winning touchdown in the 1994 Orange Bowl; Mario Chalmers' three pointer to tie the 2008 National Title Game ... and Mike Eruzione scoring with exactly ten minutes remaining to put the US ahead for good in the greatest sports upset in history.  Christ, I'm tearing up just typing those words, "Eruzione scoring with exactly ten minutes remaining ..."

YES!  A video hammering the "You didn't build that" comment!

"You Built That!" chant breaking out as the head of Staples takes the podium.

I wonder if anyone in liberal bastion Los Angeles realizes their gorgeous arena is named after a corporation owned by Bain Capital?

And this dude is HAMMERING Barry!

And with that, I'm out for tonight.  My recap of Romney's speech coming (hopefully) tomorrow.  Until then, good night, and please -- keep getting drunker ...