A liar and a thief?
I just wish you'd pin
A rose on me!
Now you won't even
Come out and take a bow?
Cryin' won't help you now!
Cryin' won't help you now!" ...
-- "Cryin' Won't Help You Now" by Ben Harper.
Note: any links will either be added later, or never added. I'm posting from work, where damned near every site under the sun is blocked.
In the words of the late, great Robin: "holy sh*tballs Batman!"
Night Three of the Republican National Convention has come and (sadly) gone. I guess, in the interest of full disclosure, that I should note that I am a political junkie. I love a quality political drama ... but live for those moments of comedy that make politics so freaking neat.
Last night, we got both.
Say what you want to about "House of Wings", you gotta give him credit -- this has been one awesome convention to watch unfold.
And last night?
Is gonna be damned near impossible to top ...
I missed the first half of the convention last night. I went to the Royals game with some friends, then my brother and I took my dad out to dinner for his birthday. When I got back, it was right as Toddler Ted took the stage.
If anyone has any doubts remaining as to why this three year old is so hated by damned near everyone who has the misfortune of having to deal with him or work with him? Last night showed you why. What a pathetic, embarrassing, ridiculous showing Toddler Ted put on last night.
(I thought Savannah Guthrie on "Today" put it perfectly: Judas Cruz. That's a great one. It might be better than Lyin' Ted -- a name he proved to be 100% true, last night.)
Look it, if you can't stomach "House of Wings" and refuse to vote for him? Fine, wonderful. Welcome to the club. But I can guarantee you this -- if I was invited to speak at a convention designed to convince the country to elect "House of Wings" to the White House? I would do exactly what John Kasich did, exactly what Jeb Bush did, exactly what former Presidents Bush did: I'd decline the invitation, and state publically why I'm doing it. And then I wouldn't get within 500 miles of the convention, to make damned sure everyone knows that I intend to, in the words of Toddler Ted, "vote my conscience".
(Which of course, begs the question, how can Toddler Ted vote his conscience? He clearly doesn't have one.)
And in true Toddler Ted style, go figure -- everything he clearly intended to do last night? Blew up in his face. Toddler Ted did more to unify the party last night than anything "House of Wings" or his family or any other speaker could have done this week. Toddler Ted unified the elephants last night. I guarantee you that's why "House of Wings" -- who claims he personally vetted the speech two hours in advance -- let Toddler Ted speak. He knew what a goldmine this was going to be. Because irregardless of your thoughts and opinions on "House of Wings", he is the nominee. Period. Only a toddler would try to sabotage things at this point. Only a petty whiny three year old throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get his way, would behave as Toddler Ted did last night.
I mean, the only thing I could think of when he crossed the Rubicon, and dropped his "vote your conscience" line that completely and totally just changed this race, the only thing I was thinking of, is the classic scene from "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles", when Del and Neil are driving the wrong way, and a concerned motorist is frantically yelling at them, trying to get their attention:
(motorist) You're Going The Wrong Way!
(motorist) You're Going The Wrong Way!
(neil to del) He says we're going the wrong way.
(del to neil) Oh, he's drunk! How would he know which way we're going?
(neil to del) Yeah, how would he know which way we're going?
(neil to motorist) Thank you. Thank you very much.
(del to motorist) Thank you! (honks horn) What a moron!
What a freaking idiot Toddler Ted is. And what a brilliant move by "House of Wings", to let him walk right into the glass door face first. (Like Secretary Kerry in London on Monday. Seriously, what kind of an idiot walks into a glass door at 11 in the morning?)
I also loved how "House of Wings" timed his arrival to be right as Toddler Ted hit the final part of his speech -- the part Toddler Ted intended to end "House of Wings" run with, but instead just completely and totally sewed up the base. I'm telling you, whatever you may think of "House of Wings", the man is a f*cking genius.
As really evidenced by ...
Governor Mike Pence.
What a brilliant speech last night. If "House of Wings" wins this thing (and for what it's worth, I actually think he's got a damned good chance), last night will be night people will point to as the turning point in this race. You could tell the Governor was enjoying the hell out of the spotlight, and whoever wrote his speech deserves one hell of a raise this morning. That was brilliant.
He was funny ("(House of Wings) is a man known for a large personality, a colorful style, and lots of charisma. I guess he was looking for someone to balance out the ticket"). I love people who have a self-deprecating sense of humor, if only because nobody makes more fun of me, than me. (It's one of my rules in life: "if you can't laugh at yourself, then you'll never be able to handle others laughing at you").
He absolutely nailed the Obama economy more perfectly than any person has to date ("They tell us this economy is the best we can do. It's nowhere near the best we can do. It's just the best that they can do"). He completely and totally sold the single biggest thing "House of Wings" has going for him -- he's not a politician ("Over in the other party, if the idea was to present the exact opposite of a political outsider, the exact opposite of an uncalculating truth teller? Then on that score, you've got to hand it to the Democrats. They outdid themselves this time").
I thought the best line of his speech -- other than the five or six that made me laugh out loud, they were genuinely funny -- was the line that nearly closed his speech, and damn if it isn't, uuh, damning, of what's coming next week:
"At the very moment when America is crying out for something different and new? Democrats are about to anoint someone who represents everything this country is tired of".
When Governor Pence said that, I looked over at my brother, and said the following:
"Jesus. They might actually win. House of Wings might actually be our next President."
Folks? Governor Pence was that damned good last night. If I wasn't completely in the tank for Secretary Clinton, I'd listen tonight with two open ears, and possibly a whole eye wide, wide open as well.
Three other things I forgot to mention, regarding last night.
First, I thought Newt Gingrich was great. I've always liked Newt -- the last Republican prior to Paul Ryan that actually sought solutions with the Democrats, rather than cramming through their agenda or pouting like children when the other side rammed theirs through. His rebuttal to Toddler Ted was perfect.
Second, I got a text from "The Voice of Reason" as I was heading to dinner: "G E Smith in the house!" Hell yes! If you don't know who G E Smith is kids, download the Saturday Night Live app, and pull up any season's episode from like season six through about season thirty. G E Smith used to lead the house band. He also is the spitting image of Daryl Hall. (For years, I thought they were one and the same. The lesson? As always, I'm a f*cking idiot.)
And third, I thought Eric Trump was great. Whatever one may think about "House of Wings", if his kids are even 1/1000th of a percent of a reflection of his parenting skills? The man is one hell of a good dad.
And so, the moment has arrived. A little after 9pm CT tonight, Donald J. Trump will formally accept the Republican nomination, and address the nation in that capacity. Only God knows what he's going to say. Part of me is terrified -- because again, this isn't a man prone to stick to the script. But the vast majority of me is so pumped for this. Love him or hate him, "House of Wings" knows how to give a speech. Forty million tuned in for Melania on Monday. I guarantee you tonight is going to see viewership levels unseen for politics since what, 1976? 1980? Whenever the hell (mean gene okerlund voice) your cable or satellite provider became a viable option, so the early 1980s?
Donald Trump has his date with destiny tonight. Whatever it may eventually be noted for being, at least we know one thing going into it. If only to ensure this gets said at least one more time on this site, ladies and gentlemen, the legendary, the greatness that is, Mr. Hugh M. Hefner.
(the great mr. hugh m. hefner voice) This is going to be something ... REALLY special!
And since this is politics week, there's only one thing to say in response to that.
(the late senator edward m. kennedy voice) You can bet your ass it's going to be!
I'm not sure if I'll live blog tonight or not. I had some issues with it on Monday -- for some reason, Blogger posts any updates to a, uuh, post, as a separate post. If I can figure out a way to get around that (and I have a few ideas), I'll probably live blog up until at least "House of Wings" preps for his arrival. I'm assuming his daughter will be introducing him; if she's even 20% as good as Eric and Junior were the last two nights, it'll be a solid introduction. (Given that she was saved for last, I'm guessing she'll somehow be better than her brothers were the last couple nights.)
But even if I don't blog it, I will recap it tomorrow.
Because if last night was the greatest convention night of my life (and it was)?
I cannot WAIT to see how "House of Wings" is going to top it ...