"Don't ask --
Tell me how you want me!
I can feel it in your heartbeat!
I know you're liking? What you see!
Hold me --
I'll give you all that you need!
Wrap your love around me!
You're so excited, I can feel you getting hotter!
I'll take you down!
I'll take you down!
Where no one's ever gone before!
If you want more?
If you want more?
Jump! (For my love!)
Jump in! (Feel my touch!)
Jump! (If you want to taste my kisses in the night wind?)
Jump! For my love!
Jump! (I know my heart? Can make you happy!)
Jump In! (You know these arms? Can fill you up!)
Jump! (If you want to taste my kisses in the night wind?)
Jump! For my love! ..."
What? You thought I'd pick anything other than "Jump!", to open the recap of "House of Wings" speech?
I mean, come on -- it's Donald J. Trump's House of Wings!
Trump! (You know our wings? Will make you happy!)
Trump in! (You know our wings? Will fill you up!)
Trump! (If you want a good meal and a good deal?)
Donald Trump? House of Wings!
Donald Trump? House of Wings!
Again, gun to my head? That's one of the ten greatest sketches in Saturday Night Live history.
For the first time in my life, peoples and peepettes?
I honestly am frightened for the future of our nation.
Because folks? Donald J. Trump, "affectionately" known on this site as "House of Wings"? Donald J. Trump, a man who I have sworn on everything valuable to me I wouldn’t vote for if you put a gun to my head and cocked the trigger?
Donald J. Trump hit it to (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base Thursday night.
That was good, folks. That was damned good. Sh*t, I even found myself applauding or nodding in agreement at about half of what he had to say. And I'm so far in the tank for Secretary Clinton, it's a wonder my head isn't permanently attached up her ass at this point.
To use "House of Wings" phrasieology (is that a word? I guess it now is!), to speak as "House of Wings" speaks? That was a great, great speech Thursday night. Very great.
There is no one who will speak next week that can approach what we've listened to the last two nights, out of the Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates the Republicans are offering, save for possibly former President Clinton. And let's be brutally honest here -- Hillary can't afford for Bill to be Bill. It'll only put a gigantic spotlight on what she's not, and what she's not capable of, and that's connecting with us, the voters, watching at home, in a real and genuine way. She's just not camera-friendly. It sucks, but it's reality.
"House of Wings"? Is a natural when the record light is on.
I now truly fear "House of Wings" is going to win. If someone as die-hard pro-Clinton as myself has to acknowledge "he not only made sense, I agreed with him on over half of what he had to say"? If a partisan hack like me is seriously re-thinking that partisanship?
What are the actual undecideds thinking this morning?
Here's the thing about Thursday night that nobody seems to have picked up on yet. "House of Wings" acceptance speech? Was pretty much the ONLY moment last night, that fit the typical Republican template -- and the only part of that speech that truly hit the typical Republican template was that it was a rich white dude talking.
The night opened with a semi-decent speech out of the late Jerry Falwell's son. I resigned myself to an hour of boring to open the festivities, punctuated by brief moments of fun when G E Smith and the band got to perform.
Then came the second speaker, a (my uncle bill voice) Afro-American pastor from South Carolina named Mark Burns. The moment he opened his mouth, I put down the glass of shiraz I relied heavily on Thursday night, and just sat, stared, and listened in amazement. Here, on the stage at the Republican convention, is a black pastor blasting President Obama for his blatant race-baiting and his refusal to stand for equality for all races -- the best line being "there are only three colors that matter in this country: red, white, and blue!"
(Warning: Mount Stevo is about to erupt. I repeat -- Mount Stevo is about to erupt. Proceed through the rest of this section with caution. I repeat -- proceed through the rest of this section with caution. Because Mount Stevo is about to erupt like it rarely if ever does.)
Pastor Burns set the tone for the evening -- that for the fourth straight night, the Republicans were going to use the pair God gave them, to state the Captain Oats in the room: that Barack Hussein Obama is an utter and total failure as a President in every f*cking way imaginable. And finally, someone is going to hold him accountable for the utter and total depression and destruction he and he alone is responsible for. There would be no let-up. There would be no pause for regrouping and reinforcement. Just more of the same: attack. Attack. Attack.
No matter what? Attack! Attack! Attack!
I've waited eight years for the Captain Oats in the room to be addressed. I'm fairly certain that if you're reading this, you probably agree with that -- we've waited eight years to hear someone, anyone, in the Republican Party (or the Democrat Party, for that matter) state the obvious, to attack the utter incompetence, the utter failure, the utter and total disaster that the Obama years have been for this nation. We are led by a man who has literally broken every single promise he's made to us, the electorate. Every policy, every program, every single thing he has put his hands on, is undeniably WORSE than before he got involved. Jesus, it's like Dustin has led this country over the last eight years. The failure, incompetence, and utter refusal to own the consequence of choices made, is that profound.
Finally, after eight bleeping years, finally, someone is calling him on it! Hallelujah, thank you Jesus! Pass the champagne and uncork that bastard! Finally! For eight years, this President has literally gotten away with all of it. He has destroyed health insurance in this country with his indefensible Affordable Care Act. He is literally bankrupting every single one of us, through skyrocketing insurance costs -- and that assumes you can find an insurance plan available. How's that whole "you can keep your doctor" promise working out for you? Are you spending $2,500.00 less every year on health insurance, as Mr. Obama promised you would?
He has literally doubled the national debt, and our roads and infrastructure are still third-world quality. We pissed away $860,000,000,000 (harrison ford in "clear and present danger" voice) and change to rebuild our nation's roads, and we literally have NOTHING to show for it, other than owing that 860 billion and change to the Chinese.
One out of every three people that draw breath in this country don't work. Let that sink in -- one in every three people you see? Is living off of your tax dollars, or off of your income. Either way, you are all but assured to be poorer today, than you were when "the one we've been waiting for" took office seven and a half years of failure ago.
Revenues to the Treasury have NEVER been higher. $3,248,723,000,000 (harrison ford in “clear and present danger” voice) and change was collected at the federal level in 2015, per Treasury Department statistics. THREE POINT TWO FIVE TRILLION DOLLARS! And it STILL left us 439 billion and change shy of a balanced budget! At some point, you cannot tax people anymore. We are at that point, thanks solely, only, and completely to the policies of the second worst President in United States history – Barack Hussein Obama.
(Short of ending the Republic, nothing Mr. Obama does can ever make him sink below James Buchanan. In the interest of fairness, I suppose that needs to be stated.)
Mr. Obama promised that the rising waters caused by global warming would subside. When's the last time you didn't hear a scientist or climatologist b*tching about how much worse global warming is getting? Mr. Obama promised that he would restore our respect and standing in the world. This nation is now so not feared, so not respected? That North Korea openly laughs at us. That red line in the sand in Syria? Where is it? Why is Bashar Assad still in power, if as Mr. Obama promised, he would respond with force if Mr. Assad killed his own citizens?
Mr. Obama promised to keep this nation safe from attack. How many more terrorist attacks do we have to endure before he'll fight back? He decided to lead from behind in Libya. The end result? Dead Americans killed in a predictable ambush at Benghazi that he had the gall to blame on a Youtube! video nobody had ever seen, and then the brazenness to send Secretary Clinton and Ambassador Rice out on every Sunday morning show to sell his lies.
(To say nothing of doubling down on the lie, by jailing the video producer. Uuh, Barry? If the video isn't at fault -- as your own Secretary of State confirmed in an email to her daughter as the attack was still underway, for Christ's sake! -- why are you jailing the producer. Oh, and while I'm asking sir, where in the f*ck were you on the evening of September 11, 2012? Was prepping for that Vegas fundraiser the next day, more important than an attack on American soil? Oh, and why are you going to Vegas in the first place? I thought you told us all in 2009 that trips to Vegas were why the economy collapsed, that businesses lost focus of their workers and focused on executive perks? Christ, EVERY word out of this man's mouth is a lie! Every damned word!)
Because after all, if Benghazi was labeled for what it proved to be – a terrorist attack on 9/11? Well, that might destroy the utter bullsh*t lie that we were winning the war on terror. We’re not. We’re losing, and every day Barack Obama occupies the Oval Office, we inch ever closer to the ultimate disaster: a dirty bomb attack on a major American city.
Which is more than possible, because Barry refuses to enforce immigration laws. Look it, I agree with the DREAM Act. But law is law. Either it must be enforced, or it must be repealed, period. The next time that man enforces an immigration law? Will be the first. And the last time I checked? The President doesn't have the right to repeal law. Only Congress can do that. If Congress won't work with you sir? Perhaps you shouldn't have dropped the "I won, I don't have to listen to you" blast you've delivered non-stop for eight years.
He used the IRS to target conservative groups. That alone is such an unconscionable act, he should be tried for treason. It's not Hillary who needs a "lock 'em up!" chant aimed at her -- it's Barack Hussein Obama. Not even Richard Nixon was so evil that he used government agencies to target his enemies. And let that sink in -- ISIS is a "JV squad" to Mr. Obama. But conservative Christians, he'll get fired up about and attack. No matter how many innocent people are killed in the name of the "peaceful" religion of Islam? He won't act. He won't respond. Those mean, bigoted, racist, homophobic Christians, they're the real enemy to this man. I mean, clearly, Christians are driving into crowds of people in Nice and targeting them for death. Clearly, conservatives are storming gay night clubs in Orlando and killing people because of who they prefer to have sex with. Clearly, people who didn't vote for "the one we have waited for" are entering the workplace and shooting everyone in sight. Clearly, Tea Party members are openly targeting law enforcement officers and executing them, because the color of the officers skin doesn't match theirs.
Mr. Obama promised to get us out of Iraq, get us out of Afghanistan. We're still there! He promised to bring peace in our time. He's the first President ever to have a war on his hands every f*cking day of his administration! Let that sink in -- not even Abraham Lincoln was at war every day of his time in office. Even Abraham Lincoln managed six weeks of peace. Barry can't even manage six seconds of peace.
We were told by Mr. Obama, when Willard correctly identified Russia and Vladimir Putin as a credible threat to this nation, that "the 1980s called and want their foreign policy back". In the four years since that debate, Mr. Putin has taken the Crimea, can take the Ukraine whenever he wants to, and is just biding his time before taking the Baltic States. He can do this? Because he known Barack Obama will do nothing to stop him. I mean, identify one spot on this planet where the United States is respected and/or feared anymore? Because I'll be damned if I can think of one.
What we have witnessed this past week? Is what we should have witnessed four years ago in Tampa! Willard didn't have the balls to launch. "House of Wings" may be a lot of things, most of which repulse me. But at least he doesn't cower in fear against the threats and challenges in our time. He's no George McClellan; he's Robert E. Lee. “House of Wings” won’t pause at the gates of Richmond. “House of Wings” will bulldoze the f*cking gates! As Mr. Lincoln so famously noted of General Grant, after the single most indefensible attack in the Civil War, the Union assault at Cold Harbor in which literally a thousand Union soldiers were being shot per minute: "I can't spare this man. He fights!"
“House of Wings”? The argument can now be made that those of us who love this country cannot spare this man anymore. At least he'll verbally fight the real enemy!
Finally, after eight years of cowardice, the Republican Party has chosen to fight! Finally, a credible opposition has been found! Finally, someone is calling the
dreams lies of
Barack onto the carpet! Finally, someone
is standing up for common sense!
Finally, someone is labeling Barack Hussein Obama for exactly who and
what he is: a pathological liar, an utterly inept and incompetent commander in
chief, and an absolute childish coward, who refuses to own the consequence of
his choices, and doesn’t have the balls to look someone in the face and take
(God, it really is like Dustin has been our President the last eight years. No wonder he voted for this embarrassment of a "leader".)
As Fran Tarkenton noted Thursday night (in another quality speech, although given he had to follow up Pastor Burns, nobody will remember it): "What the hell is going on out there?" Barry will fight for gender neutral bathrooms. He won't lift a finger to fight evil in our time. Which one is more important to defeat -- the male / female sign on a restroom door, or ruthless terrorists slaughtering innocent citizens simply for drawing breath? What matters more -- defeating ISIS or defeating conservatism? Who's the real enemy -- terrorism, or moral values?
Whatever one may think of this convention (which was bar none, the most entertaining one I've ever watched)? At least the sleeping bear known as "credible opposition" has finally been woke the f*ck up!
Because when you actually hold the Obama years up to scrutiny?
You have no choice but to beg, plead, and sell your soul, to endure anything other than what we've been through, these last seven and a half years. Not even hell itself can be as awful, as painful, as horrible, as the Obama years have been.
And that, peoples and peepettes, is why "House of Wings" has a frighteningly decent chance to win this election. He's not running on his record. He's running against Barry's. He's stolen the Democrat playbook from 2006. Offer nothing. Criticize everything. It worked so well for Democrats in 2006, that they got away with nominating an empty suit with no record, and won in a landslide two years later.
No person with an IQ above room temperature can deny, EVERYTHING about the Barack Obama administration has been an utter, total, and devastating disaster.
As I've noted so many times this week: whatever you may think of "House of Wings", you have to concede, there's a genius to his madness. He always -- always! -- plans three moves ahead. He always -- always! -- out-strategorizes his opposition. Ted Cruz? Thought he was putting "House of Wings" in his place. Instead, he committed political suicide. Showcasing his family night after night? Thought to be a disaster. Instead, who could listen to those kids and NOT conclude the man is a great parent, a loving father, a devoted granddad?
What can you attack about him? If "House of Wings" is a pathological liar, then what is Hillary Clinton? If "House of Wings" is a serial cheater, then what is Bill Clinton? If "House of Wings" degrades women, then what does Bill Clinton do? If "House of Wings" uses his kids as props? Then what is Chelsea Clinton? If "House of Wings" gets rich using other people's gullibility? Then what is the Clinton Family Foundation? If "House of Wings" ... never mind. I think you get the point.
He's running against Barry's record. When your resume is that sh*tty, like Barry's is? Why even bother to submit your plan? Because the one question every voter who gives a f*ck about this country should be asking, is how can "House of Wings" be WORSE, than what we have now?
Because who amongst us is actually better off, because of Barack Hussein Obama's policies, decisions, choices, and actions?
It's "House of Wings" election to lose now. And I'm going to make a prediction that will seem absurd right now ... but come a month from now, will prove to be true. "House of Wings" will get a better bounce coming out of the Democrats convention, than out of his own. He'll be up four to five points by Labor Day. Because what you saw this week was an unabashed love for this country. What you saw these last four days was a fight FOR the United States we were all raised in. What you'll see next week? Is an attack AGAINST the United States we were all raised in. It's going to backfire spectacularly. And Hillary will have nobody to blame for it, other than herself.
The American people don't want "The Gentle Giant"'s mother on stage. Your son robbed a convenience store. He didn't have his hands up. He stole, he lied, he died. It happens.
We don't want to see Freddie Gray's family. Your kid was in the back of a paddy wagon for a reason, and that reason wasn't because of the color of his skin. We don't want to hear a bunch of race baiters like Reverend Jackson and Reverend Sharpton. You've had fifty years to fix the problem, Reverends. How much more time do you f*cking need?
The American people don't want to hear about the need for more government control in our lives. The government is failing miserably at everything is currently does!
We don't want a parade of victims whining, moaning, and b*tching about how awful their lives are. My fellow Democrats? I hate to break it to you ... but we've controlled the god damned country for eight years! At what point is it our own damned fault, that everything in this nation is a dumpster fire raging out of control?
3:59pm, Saturday, July 23, 2016. I need a very, very stiff drink, to deal with the reality created by Thursday night, the reality created by last week. And that reality is this:
"House of Wings" is at worst, a coin flip bet to win now.
God save the Republic.
(And ... scene.)
Funniest moment of Thursday night -- a MSNBC reporter was on the convention floor interviewing some delegate, and literally said she wanted the Secret Service to investigate and charge the delegates for their "lock her up" chant. What, pray tell, is illegal or threatening about a passionate response to a legitimate question -- did Hillary Clinton break the law by using a private email server?
Martha Stewart was jailed for far less, after all.
In "Gone With the Wind", there's a famous line uttered as the first cannonball of General Sherman's artillery began reigning down on the city. "Yankees in Georgia! How did they ever get here?"
I found myself asking a similar question Thursday night. "An openly gay man speaking in prime time real estate at the Republican National Convention! How in the hell did we ever get here?"
If nothing else, "House of Wings" has finally forced a public acceptance of tolerance, inclusion, and diversity upon the rich white dude society known as the Republican Party. Four years ago Peter Theil would have been booed off the stage, Ted Cruz style. Thursday? Standing ovation, both at the convention and in my main room ... and both ovations were sincere and genuine.
Again, for about the sixtieth time, there is pure genius in "House of Wings"' madness. How can the Democrats attack this convention? (Note: they will, but they'll look ridiculous.) Every minority group, every sexual preference was given a speaking spot, and was not only tolerated, but genuinely cheered and applauded.
Consider: in one sixty minute stretch Thursday night, you heard from (I believe in order):
* a conversative Christian Baptist preacher (white male).
* a firebrand Southern preacher (black male).
* a retired NFL Hall of Fame quarterback (white male).
* the head of Korean Americans for Trump (asian female).
* a gay innovator and businessman (white male).
And that doesn't include "House of Wings" daughter, who was ... we're getting there.
Save for the first one, could you envision any of those people speaking at the RNC as recently as a month ago?
This was the most bat sh*t crazy, most unpredictable convention I've ever watched. This was must see television, not because it was so god-awful you couldn't turn away ... but because you actually felt better after watching it. You saw a splintered party unify, through putting the most hated arrogant piece of sh*t in the party in his place. You saw diversity and youth and the future on full display. For all of my party's talk about owning the future, look at who our front-runners were: a 69 year old who should be in jail right now, and a 76 year old who redefines the meaning of the phrase "bat sh*t crazy". Where's the youth in there? Where's the color in there? (Where's the honesty in there?)
We're in serious, serious trouble, fellow donkeys. I thought the moment "House of Wings" got the nomination it was over.
This election is anything but.
What a speech. She perfectly -- and I mean perfectly -- laid out the world view from a millenial perspective. People my age and younger aren't married or invested into a party. We get invested in the candidate, regardless of party. We aren't married to traditional social values; we question everything.
(In case you don't believe me, I have voted in five Presidential elections. I voted for Clinton in 96, Gore in 00, Bush in 04 (the only regret), McCain in 08, Willard in 12. I am voting Clinton in 16.)
And again, the question that has to be asked, and she forcefully asked it, as only someone not invested in the last two generations of this country can credibly ask: after fifty years of liberal progressivism, of de facto socialism being the guiding force in this country, are we better off because of it?
Or has this last eight years exposed people to the fact that socialism has never worked, will never work, and leaves everyone worse off and more miserable, than before it's tried?
And yet again, what a credit to "House of Wings", how talented, how smart, how utterly fearless, his children are. I could never stand on a convention stage and give an address that not only was heard by millions of people, but to have the pressure of introducing your father to the nation -- a nation that at best, was seriously skeptical about what was being sold them -- squarely on your shoulders, as Ms. Trump did Thursday night? Amazing.
One final thing: of COURSE I noticed the fan blowing on her hair too. Seriously guys -- unless you aren't into chicks, was any one of us bothered by that Thursday night? I was impressed, to be honest. If you know you're hot, why not flaunt it?
(Or to quote Brad Paisley: dammit? I'm still a guy!)
I intend to have my reaction to "House of Wings" speech up by midday Monday at the latest. I want to get into some detail with it, especially given that Secretary Clinton is hitting hard on what I thought was the ONLY (jaron rush tattoo voice) weakeness in it -- he reliance on one letter of the alphabet.
Until then? (the late, great michael conrad voice) Let's be careful out there ...