Friday, May 27, 2016

for the first time since june 18 2014 ...

"Peace?  Is what they tell me.
Love?  Am I unholy?
Lies?  Are what they tell me!

Despise?
You let control me!

The peace is dead --
In my soul?  I have blamed reasons
For my intentions?
Poor!

Yes, I'm the one who --
The only one who --
Would carry on this?
Far ...

Torn, and I am filthy.
Born?  In my own misery.
Stole?  All that you gave me!

Control?
You claimed you'd save me!

The peace is dead --
In my soul?  I have blamed reasons
For my intentions?
Poor!

Yes, I'm the one who --
The only one who! --
Would carry on this?
Far ..."

-- "Torn" by Creed.

--------------------

I spent Monday night watching the “holy sh*t, is that … is that … it is?!?!?!  Wait, what?!?!?!” season finale of “Gotham”, intending then to get some sleep after being up well past midnight for the previous three nights *.  

Instead, as I am known to do, I cracked open a bottle of shiraz, did some email, did some reading, and checked in on a few things regarding this site (like traffic figures, interesting ideas to incorporate into the page from Blogger, etc).

I also perused through some of my favorite posts I’ve, uuh, posted.  Some of which I’d totally forgotten were out there.

And at some point – and I’m guessing it was between draining bottle uno of the Lil’ Penguin and cracking open bottle dos – I went in search of a specific column.  A column that’s always fun for me to write, and that you all seem to enjoy.  And I noticed … it’s been a while.

As in almost two freaking years, since this column was last spotted on this site.

Peoples and peepettes?  It is time.  (ryan seacrest voice) Dim the lights, cue the mics, because THIS?

Is your first Fake Mailbag ... since June 18, 2014.

Enjoy?

--------------------

(*: I went to a friend's 50th birthday party Saturday night.  Her nephew and I (along with a few others) were still going strong at the Second Parents kitchen island at 5:30 on Sunday morning.  24 Year Old Me is so damned proud of 39 Year Old Me right now ... even if 39 year old me still hasn't recovered, five days later, from that all night bender ...)

--------------------

* “Admit it – it pisses you off that people like Sam Mellinger blatantly stole Twitter Tuesday (now Mellinger Minutes) from your site.  Fake Mailbag always trumps Credible Tweet!” – Eric R, Blue Springs.

Well, considering I stole the Fake Mailbag idea from The Sports Guy, and I’m sure he stole it from someone ... no, it really doesn’t piss me off at all.

Although if he starts stealing my (insert voice here) routine?  Sammy and I are gonna have to have a long, painful conversation.  That’s my (president obama regarding syria voice) red line in the sand, I won’t back down from.

* “Tyler Bray is the number two!  Tyler Bray is our backup QB as of today!  I need something stiff, stat!” – Anthony R, Independence.

Whoa buddy, calm down, ok?  First of all, we’re still two months away from players being allowed to wear pads.  I mean, currently, The Sanchize is listed atop the (hang on, I need some Kitty Dukakis Memorial Rubbing Alcohol ** to chug down, to type this) defending Super Bowl champion’s roster at quarterback.  Anyone who thinks Mark Sanchez is going to start the season opener, raise your hand now.  (Pause).  OK, seriously, Mark, put the hand down – it’s not happening.

Secondly, “Tyler Bray is The Number Two!” might be the single best description of Tyler Bray I’ve ever heard.  He should switch his jersey number with Dusty C.  I’m sure Dusty C could be convinced to part with number two for some cash considerations.  I mean, think of the conversations Tyler Bray wearing Number Two would spark:

(random) whoa, our QB wears number two?
(me) well, it’s what he plays like!
(random) what?
(me) sh*t!  A dump pile even Deffenbaugh can’t sanitize!  Number Two!

Seriously, “Tyler Bray Is Our Number Two” isn’t something to be feared.  It’s something to be celebrated!

(**: it truly frightens the sh*t out of me, that half the people reading this, are too damned young to remember who Michael and Kitty Dukakis were.  Either I'm old ... or I'm old.  Also, I turn 40 two days after the 2016 NFL Regular Season ends.  Just sayin'.)

* “James Hinchcliffe on the pole!  How incredible is this?” – Gus B, Raytown.

About as incredible as the realization that I’ll once again be watching “The Greatest Spectacle In Motorsports” with ya poolside buddy.  (For those unaware, Gus beat Stage IV cancer last spring.  He was given a 5% chance to survive six months.  He’s cancer free 7 months and counting.)

It’s truly sad in a way how far off the landscape open wheel racing has fallen, because this is one of the greatest stories in motorsports history.  Mr. Hinchcliffe nearly died before last year’s 500.  He’s on the pole with the fastest qualifying time in a couple decades this year.  The only thing I can compare it to in terms of modern Indy is my favorite driver of all time, Kenny Brack ***, recovering from this wreck to qualify with the fastest time in the field for the funnest 500 of them all, 2005.

Good for Mr. Hinchcliffe.  Great for his owner, Sam Schmidt, who was paralyzed in a crash 16 years ago.  And great for the IndyCar Series. 

I just hope someone other than me notices.

(***: I really wish I still had the ultimate "yup, it's Stevo" photo: a half-loaded, double fisting me, t-shirt nowhere to be found, all but mauling Mr. Brack, at Kansas in 2004.  I'm not sure who looked more frightened: Mr. Brack ... or Mr. Reason, who snapped the photo.  I was nine sheets to the wind that day, that's for sure.)

* “OK, so you posted your initial thoughts on the Chiefs schedule.  Much appreciated.  But now post what really matters: the tailgates you most anticipate!  I mean, that is the whole damned point, isn’t it?” – Tyler M, Springfield.

The derek carr doppleganger has a point, people.  And a damned good one at that.

So let's do this!

I know I am attending at least 11 of the 20 scheduled contests this year, between preseason and the regular season.  In addition, there are 4 others I have no plans for.  The other 5, I’m highly likely to attend one, can be talked into attending 3, and will be up in Sioux Falls in the Garage for the 5th (which counts as a tailgate for this countdown).

Here we go.

* 17-20: the four I have no plans to attend – at Chicago (preseason); at Los Angeles (preseason); at Pittsburgh (Week Four); at Carolina (Week Ten).

* 16: the most unlikely to attend, but it’s in play – at Atlanta (Week Thirteen).

* 15: the second least unlikely to attend, but it’s in play – at San Diego (Week Seventeen).

* 14: vs Green Bay (preseason).  I’ll probably be there, but my work schedule is going to make this one a nightmare (maureen mcgovern voice) the morning after.  (I cannot take September 2nd off; Day Two is my swamped day during month end.)  

That, and I hate hosting the last preseason game.  The tailgate will suck because everyone will be coming from work; the game will suck because 89.76% of the players on the field are getting fired in the morning.  Thank you NFL, for charging full price for preseason!!!!

* 13: the one I’ll probably be talked into attending – at denver (Week Twelve).  Especially if those people have the same exact season this year, that they had the last time, after they cheated their way to won the Lombardi

* 12: vs Seattle (preseason).  I mean this with all due sincerity: what f*cking idiot scheduled a 3pm kickoff at Arrowhead in the middle of August?  I get that the Olympics are screwing up everyone’s schedule (even the RNC and DNC have moved up a month to avoid them ... and there's something to ponder -- who'd have thunk it'd be my party's convention about to implode into chaos, instead of the elephants?), but with all due respect, who the hell actually watches NFL preseason football?  Even I try to avoid it at all costs, for Christ’s sake!  I once proudly boasted I avoided preseason football for three straight years, for crying out loud!  And I pay for the privilege to be there!

I swear – if this one isn’t 102 and sunny, without a cloud in the sky at kickoff, I’m going to be livid.  If I have to waste one of the last great Saturdays in August at meaningless football, at least let me get a tan and/or ridiculously drunk, as my lovely parting gift.  (Or is that arriving gift?)  

11. vs Tennessee (Week Fifteen).  The consummate trap game.  Sh*ttacular opponent sandwiched between two prime time games at home against the hated divisional rivals.  Throw in 35 and rain/snow/overcast or worse, and this one reeks six months out.  Hope Tom and Nicole stick around for an extra week for this one, and my buddy Andrew can get finals out of the way to head down as well.  Had a blast with y'all the last couple seasons at Titans games.

Or, as my brother would so astutely put it: "why f*ck with what ain't broken?"

10. vs New Orleans (Week Seven).  I literally know one Saints fan.  (I work with her; she’s coming to this one).  That’s all I’ve got.  Although the menu potential for this one has me salivating.  I love me some gumbo with a hurricane or five!

9. at Indianapolis (Week Eight).  It’s either going to be epic, or horrific.  There’s no in between with a Colts tailgate in Indy.  It all depends on what lot you get.  We scored big time three years ago for the Wild Card debacle, landing in the Mix 93 lot.  I’m counting on you "derek carr" ****, to come through again with the party lot reservation.  (Because being a professional DJ has to be good for something other than getting laid, right?)

(And here's Part Two of the single most amazing ... and vomit-inducing ... professional sporting event, I have ever attended.)

8. vs Tampa Bay (Week Eleven).  Kind of a “blah” tailgate five months out.  Nothing really stands out; nothing really excites you yet.  Other than if Anthony gets into the MD 20/20 again, and imitates Jameis Winston standing on top of a table in a FSU cafeteria.  Then things might get lively!

7. vs Jaguars (Week Nine).  First time these two have faced each other since the inaugural game of the “Fat” Andy era (a 28-2 Chiefs win to open the 2013 season in Jacksonville).  I’m looking forward to this one, believe it or not.  I think the Jags are going to be the “where the hell did they come from?!?!?!” breakthrough team in the AFC this year.

6. at raiders (Week Six).  No, I will not be in oakland.  I actually want to live to see 40, and I figure if I show up on October 16 at whatever the hell they call that literal sh*thole known as the coliseum these days, I’d fall a couple months shy of that goal.

But I will be in Sioux Falls for this one.  And I’m really looking forward to it.

5. vs raiders (Week Fourteen).  A Thursday nighter.  In December.  Look it, I love my raider friends as much as I hate their team … but for God’s sake, there’s a reason half of them spend November through March in Lake Havasu.  Because December north of the Mason-Dixon line?  Is damned cold!  Let’s all hope and pray for “unseasonably warm temperatures” this December – the Chiefs host three games in an eighteen day stretch, two of them in prime time.  Ugh.

4. vs Chargers (Week One).  It’s the home opener.  It’s the season opener.  For the record, the Chiefs haven’t won on Week One at home since … 2010.  Against?  (norm macdonald voice) You guessed it – Frank Stallone!  Nah, just kidding – since 2010, on “Tuesday Morning Football” against your San Diego “Super” Chargers. 

3. at Texans (Week Two).  One of these days, I’m going to pull a Will Hunting.  I’m going to head south to my adopted home state … and when you all show up on my doorstep looking for me?  I won’t be there anymore.  I’ll be where I need to be.

Maybe this is the year.

If not?  The Chiefs are guaranteed to play barely three miles from my college apartment, sometime during the 2017 regular season.  That’ll be the one, if you’re a betting person, to wager the family farm, on me not returning from.

2. vs Jets (Week Three).  The last great day of Summer 2016.  A 3:25pm kickoff.  The two teams I am irrationally and totally in love with in this sport.  This is going to be one great day, start to finish.

1. vs denver (Week Sixteen).  True story: when the schedule was released, I was getting ready to call my mom to drop the “hey, I finally have a valid excuse to avoid the horror show known as Family Christmas!” one-liner I haven't been able to successfully use since the 2010 season … when my phone rang.

I won’t repeat what my mom said … but a word came out of her mouth, I’ve never heard her drop before, in any conversation with her, to describe what she wants the Chiefs to do to the broncos, on Christmas night.

I mean, when even my mommy sees the pure evil those people are …

Of COURSE this is number one!  A new noose for the donkey.  (To answer what I thought was obvious from the schedule post, I plan to let my “Special Little Guy” hang the noose on soon to be Seis Noose Donkey.  That’s a memory an eight year old?  Won’t ever forget.  Plus, I was eight (or close enough to it), when the Chiefs absolutely doing to the donkeys, uuh, what my mommy said she wants us to do to them on Christmas Night, occurred … the game that started this ridiculousness that is my Chiefs fandom.)

I only ask that you please contribute a buck or twenty to the jar when you arrive that will simply be labeled “Stevo’s Bail Bond Fund”.  I have a feeling I might need it this year.

And that … is how I’d rank the season, on the Tailgating O-Meter.

(Pause).

You’re welcome.

(****: first, Tyler really does look like derek carr.  It's truly frightening.  But more scary, is who his brother's girlfriend looks like.  It prompted my favorite tailgating moment from 2015, when "bts" saw Alyssa, and dropped the "holy sh*t, is that (person she looks like)?"  One of those "you had to be there to get it" moments, that I dig so much in life.  And yes, the lovely Alyssa looks so much like (person she looks like), I still do a double and triple take, every time I see her.)

* "You're the other resident "Good Wife" die-hard in the office.  What did you think of the finale?" -- Mary S, Perfect Village.

I hated it ... save for one moment.

I effing loved Diane b*tch slapping the hell out of Alicia, to bring the series to a close.

I love that the cocky, arrogant, thinks her sh*t don't stink heroine of the story, winds up even more pathetic, even more rot-gut evil, than the husband she could never bring herself to leave.

And I love that the one person who always blindly defended her?  The last true friend Alicia had?  Was the one to deliver the b*tch slap dose of reality, right across the left cheek.

The finale as a whole though, was every bit as awful as the painful march to the finish, this season was.

Speaking of women who a lot of people would love to b*tch slap with a violent, uuh, slap ...

* "Not even you can defend Secretary Clinton at this point!  She lied!  She lied, and now everyone knows it!" -- Matt P, Blue Springs.

Well, I already did defend her ... and I stand behind at least 0.01% of that defense from last spring.

But with all seriousness dude, it's not like us Clinton supporters don't know who and what we're backing.  I mean, do I have to haul out the Gregg stating the obvious voice?  I do?  OK, fine.

(mr. voice of reason voice) IT'S THE CLINTONS!

Anyone even remotely surprised that a Clinton would lie, scheme, and do everything short of murder *****, to grab and maintain a hold on the ultimate power in this world?  Clearly doesn't know, who the Clinton's are!

(*****: cough Ron Brown cough.)

* "So are you still voting for her?" -- Brett H, Harrisonville.

Stevo's Site Numero Dos has strongly endorsed Secretary Clinton for the Presidency since at least March 2015.  (Stevo himself has strongly endorsed Secretary Clinton for the Presidency since at least the winter of 2003-2004.)

And if she is the nominee, she has my vote, and I hope she has yours.  I happen to believe Secretary Clinton will make a great President -- even better than her husband, who (at worst) is the second best President of my lifetime ... and (at best) is the second best President of my lifetime.

Having said that, I have been saying since last summer that Joe Biden will be the Democrat nominee for the Presidency, when it's all said and done.  I stand by that crack-pipe prediction.

Which doesn't look so crack-pipey anymore.

Let's liven the mood up a bit, shall we?

* "Billy Dee!  On a Colt 45 can!  Dude!  You SO have to get me one of those!" -- Anthony V, Overland Park.

Consider it done, pal.  Consider it done:



(You gotta love that man.  Image credit: me, via my iPhone 6, at the malt liquor section of the lovely (and Jesus, do I use that term loosely), the lovely Barnyard Liquors, on Wednesday night.)

* "Has any play in Royals history been more damaging, than the non-catch in Chicago on Sunday?  Gordo Nation lost for a month, Moooooooooose! lost for the season, and we didn't even get the damned out!" -- Phil S, Overland Park.

Funny you ask that -- when that play occurred, I was watching the game on the Pool Deck, and when that collision occurred, I immediately freaked out, noting "this is not good".  When both Mr. Gordon and Mr. Moustakas remained in the game afterwards, everyone else watching thought I was insane, and had over-reacted.

Now, six days later?  I'm proven right, as to how costly chasing that one foul ball might be, to the Royals chances to repeat.

Having said that, hell no.  It's not even close to the most damaging play in Royals history!  The most damaging play in Royals history was so damaging?

The Royals themselves didn't even cause it to occur:



* "So did you see what this club in Detroit did this week?" -- Ben C, Charlotte, NC.

Yeah, I saw it.

I thought it was hysterical.

I mean, if you can't laugh at a strip club having a sense of humor, what on earth can you laugh at?

Plus, let's just be frank and honest here: like Detroit offers a better career option, than nude dancer, for its average 18 year old female?

(And we're starting to get close.)

* "What do you make of Mr. Trump accusing President Clinton of being a rapist?" -- Blake P, KCK.

I'm insulted, offended, and disgusted by how low Mr. Trump is willing to sink, to win the Presidency.

And I admire the hell out of him, for doing to the Clinton's, what they're going to do to him.

That, peoples and peepettes, is why I am OK with a Donald J. Trump "House of Wings" nomination.  For the first time in my lifetime, a Republican candidate is going to be as sleazy, dirty, and power-mad hungry, as the Democrat candidate.  It's high damned time the far right, starts hurling baseless and classless insults and accusations, back at the far left.

Because for the first time in my lifetime?  Noone can question if the Republican nominee has a pair, and if he's capable of using them.

Also, you have to love that our next President, is either:

* promising to fix the economy, despite suffering four personal bankruptcies, and bankrupting the only credible challenge the NFL has ever faced (Mr. Trump)

going to be indicted and need a Presidential Pardon an hour before taking the oath of office, to take said oath of office ... or is going to have 2/3rds of the nation convinced, everything about the FBI and the Justice Department is corrupt, bought, and bribed (Mrs. Clinton)

* a semi-senile socialist who spent his honeymoon in the gangsta's paradise known as the former Soviet Union (Mr. Sanders)

a plagarist who told a quadrapalegic to "Stand Up Chuck", told an Indian American that you can't enter a 7-11 anymore without speaking Indian, and believes that "jobs" is a three letter word.  To say nothing of believing that Franklin D. Roosevelt took to the television airwaves, during the Stock Market Crash of 1929 ******, to calm the nation (Mr. Biden).

What a nation we live in!

(Also ... we're getting closer.)

(******: FDR was not President during the Stock Market Crash of 1929; Herbert Hoover was.  And television was still twenty years away, from invention, at the time of said Stock Market Crash.  Say what you want to about Vice President Biden, the truth is, if he was a Republican?  He'd have been laughed out of office 28 years ago.  As a Democrat?  He's just "Joe Being Joe".  Jesus, I despise the double standard, the allegedly unbiased national media employs on a daily basis.)

* “Really?  You picked Creed as the post’s theme?  I’d ask if you’ve lost your f*cking mind, but you never had one to lose!” – Brent S, Incorporated Johnson County.

OK, first of all, I’ve been on a 90's kick lately.  Maybe it’s because I’m staring 40 in the face in a little over six months; maybe it’s looking at the regrets of life I have versus the successes, and realizing, (vice president biden voice) I’m a failure!  I’m a hell of a failure!

But – but! – I would argue, “My Own Prison” is not only a CD that holds up incredibly well twenty years later … but it’s the most underrated CD of the mid to late 1990s grunge / rock scene.

(Pause).

What?

(Pause).

We do?  OK, then, send it through, Ms. Stevo's Site Numero Dos Non-Existent Editor Dudette!  Peoples and peepettes?  We have a rush “must read now” fake email from … my brother?!?!?!?!

* “Bullsh*t!  Absolute bullsh*t!  “My Own Prison” couldn’t piss in a stall if it was standing next to “Sixteen Stone”!  It’d be too frightened to whiz!  “Sixteen Stone” is the best, and you f*cking know it!  Especially since you stole my copy from me!” – Drew K, Shawnee.

Well, I bought that copy for you, so really, I just took it back … but yeah, I probably should replace that puppy after twenty some odd years.

Still … hmmm.

(Pause).

Yeah, it’s time.

Let's close this puppy down, the best way imaginable.

(good ol’ jr voice) Good God!  Good God Almighty!  That’s … that’s the “Tale O’ The Tape’s” music!

In this corner?  Weighing in from 1995, fronted by the former Mr. Gwen Stefani, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, from England, Bush and their epic effort “Sixteen Stone”!!!!!!!

(wild applause!!!!!!!)

And in this corner?  Weighing in from 1997, fronted by the biggest tool to emerge from the 1990s, ladies and gentlemen, from Florida, Creed and their breakthrough effort “My Own Prison”!!!!!!!!

(cue at least Kid Rock applauding politely.)

This week’s Tale O’ The Tape?  Which of these CD’s is better, in my opinion, twenty years later?

Here we go!  Two Contestants.  Three possible outcomes.  Only one winner.

(dana wright voice) Let’s do this!

* Question One: At least one of the songs off this cd, is guaranteed to be in Mixology, no matter what.

Bush: yes (“Machinehead”).
Creed: no.
Winner: Bush.

* Question Two: I so played the hell out of this cd, that when I tried to burn it into my iTunes in the late 2000s, the tracks were unreadable.

Bush: yes.
Creed: yes.
Winner: push.  We are all winners here … especially me.

* Question Three: Did I use a song off this cd, to describe my feelings about the single most “I never believed I’d ever see this day” moment of the last five years – the Royals clinching a playoff berth for the first time in my memorable lifetime.

Bush: no.
Creed: yes (“One”).
Winner: Creed. 

* Question Four: does the CD go a solid five songs deep that I won’t immediately skip, if it pops up in my iTunes or Apple Music playlist of the moment?

Bush: yes (“Machinehead”, “Glycerine”, “Comedown”, “Little Things”, “Everything Zen”).
Creed: yes (“Torn”, “My Own Prison”, “In America”, “What’s This Life For”, “One”).
Winner: Bush.  (Pause).  What?  Bush’s starting five trumps Creed’s!  Albeit barely.

* Question Five: I saw the band perform in support of this cd.

Bush: no.
Creed: yes (at (if I recall correctly) Deep Ellum in December 1997).
Winner: Creed. 

* Question Six: you all are surprised as sh*t that I own this cd.

Bush: nope.
Creed: nope.
Winner: push. 

And so, we’ve arrived, at the Question of Great Significance.  Bush Dos, Creed Dos, Push Dos.  And the final question is …

* Question Seven: the cd contains the song that should be the anthem of my life (which as I have noted many times before, is “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin DeGraw):

Bush: nope.
Creed: yup (“Torn”).

Winner … of the highly coveted, never sought “Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Most Underrated Grunge / Rock CD of the 1990s Twenty Years Later” Award … “My Own Prison” by Creed!!!!

Thanks for playing.

And thanks for reading.

Until next time ...

Thursday, May 19, 2016

as the boss would note ...

“Woke up this morning?
The house was cold.
Checked the furnace?
She wasn’t burning.

Went out and hopped
In my old Ford;
Hit the engine,
But she ain’t turning.

Giving each other?
Some hard lessons lately,
But we ain’t learning!

We’re (still) the same sad story,
That’s a fact –
One step up,
And two steps back …”

-- “One Step Up” by Bruce Springsteen, off of his single most criminitely, grouse, indefensibly ignored greatest effort, “Tunnel of Love” …

--------------------

I had been waiting all spring, for one episode of television to air.

I've known the date it would air -- Wednesday, May 18, 2016 -- for quite a while now.

I had absolutely no idea -- not even a clue -- how fitting its airing last night would be, when yesterday dawned.

But as I have said from pretty much the moment I learned to talk: there is no such thing, as coincidence.

--------------------

Let me state up front, that I have to be (irs church auditing chick voice) open to interpretation and deliberately vague, in discussing what all happened yesterday.  In some cases, I can (and probably will) go into specific detail.  But in other spots, I can't, for reason that will become obvious.  So bear with me, as I try to protect not only my friends that will hate Wednesday, May 18, 2016 for the rest of their lives ... but also try to protect myself, from suffering their fate.

--------------------

I had scheduled yesterday as a PTO day a while back, planning to attend the Royals / Red Sox game that afternoon.  Given that the forecast was pushing 70 and partly cloudy, and given the Stevo Rule that "the worst day imaginable spent at the Sports Complex, always trumps the best day imaginable spent at work", taking yesterday off was a given.

I slept in a bit, and when I woke up, decided to go for a jog.  At some point, I have to start getting serious about my health, and I guess the age of 39 is as good a place to start as any.  I managed to get in a couple miles, then headed home to shower, watch "The Price is Right", and head out to the game.  (Oh, and get dressed as well.  That seems like an important thing to do, when heading out in public.)

I sat in 251 yesterday (old Right Field GA), and was headed in to the stadium from Lot A when I got a text from my co-worker Dusti *.  I can't say I was stunned to get a text from her, given that we're in the middle of our annual audit, and we are trying to get everything wrapped up by early next week.  (The deadline to finish is May 31 ... and in the ten years I've had to be a part of this thing, we have never once finished on time.  Hell, the 2013 audit was so sh*ttacular, it drug on into early August before PwC finally signed off on the numbers.  To be this close to completion two weeks early?  Is what you call a miracle.)

Like I said, getting a text from her wasn't a shock to me.  But the content of said text?

Shocked the sh*t out of me.

And not in a good way.

--------------------

(* no, not that Dusty.  He's f*cking dead to me at this point.)

--------------------

After hitting up the team store (because like you would expect from someone pushing a .20 at 12:15 on a sunny Wednesday afternoon, I left my sunglasses at home), I hit up the beer line to grab a Crown Town **, then headed out to my seat to attempt to make sense of the text I'd just gotten.

Thankfully, distraction soon arrived via the National Anthem (delivered by some chick who does Fox 4's morning weather.  Seeing as I try to avoid all things Fox when it comes to news, I don't watch Fox 4.  Still, she was cute and had a nice voice, so she's got that going for her) and the starting lineups ***.  I got the score card filled out, realized I had about five minutes to first pitch, and ran back to the beer line to grab Crown Town number two.

The game started about as well as a game could.  The Red Sox went down 1-2-3, and the Royals quickly went up 2-0 on a Eric Hosmer home run that was just crushed -- CRUSHED! -- into right center field.  And for three innings, the Royals could do no wrong.  Ian Kennedy was looking good, the Red Sox were looking bad, and the sun was shining bright and, uuh, shiny in the sky.

Then came the fourth inning, when the Sox scored a run to cut the lead in half, and forced Mr. Kennedy to throw over 20 pitches.

Then came the fifth inning, when the Sox forced Mr. Kennedy to throw almost 30 pitches.  (I had him at 95 after 5 innings.  That's not good.)

Then came the sixth inning, when after 19 more pitches, the Sox chased Mr. Kennedy out of the game by scoring the tying run.  The Royals bullpen got them out of the mess, and we headed to the bottom of the sixth tied at 2.

Which quickly became 3-2, after a "That What Speed Do" triple, Jarrod Dyson scored on Alcides Escobar's grounder to first.

From that point on, for the first time in almost two weeks, a Royals fan could just sit back and let "The Process" play out.  Hochever went 1-2-3, all strikeouts.  Herrera allowed two hits, but no damage done thanks to "That What Speed Do" with an incredible throw to third to nail the runner.  And Davis gave up a long fly ball ... caught at the warning track, for Out Twenty Seven.

Cue the Hall of Fame dude planting that big beautiful W *** atop said Hall of Fame, and it was one sweet afternoon.

Well, at least at the ballpark.

--------------------

(**: I irrationally love this beer.  And those of you who know me best, know that I don't drink a lot of beer.  Gives me horrid heartburn anymore.  (That, or my liver is playing mind tricks on my esophagus.)  But I absolutely love Crown Town.)

(***: Stevo's Score Card from yesterday:



(***: if you've never seen the movie "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World", you should.  There's comedy, there's high comedy, and then there's Sylvester Marcus and his mama.  To say nothing of that dastardly Englishman.  But if you have seen the movie, then you know that it is about five people who are trying to find $200,000 hidden "under a Big W".  The lesson?  Damned if I know, other than I like Big W's.  (Just not all W's.  I'm looking at you, George.)

--------------------

After the day game, I wasn't sure if I wanted to hit up the nightcap or not, so I figured I'd make a decision while enjoying some quality chili at Dixon's up the street on 40.  I hadn't eaten at Dixon's since the one in Lee's Summit closed, and that was what, five years ago?  It'd been a while.  I have to admit, it will not be five years before I go back.  Holy God, that chili spaghetti is to die for.  Throw in a couple generously sized (and generously priced) Budweisers, and I decided to go ahead and call it a day. 

After all, the episode of television I'd been waiting all spring for, was barely two hours away from beginning.

But also,, because of the text I got from Dusti?

I had people I needed to talk to.

--------------------

I love "Black-ish".  I genuinely and honestly have no idea why.  It's not exactly a show tailored to me as a demographic.  (In case you don't know me, I am white, 39, single, and have no kids that I have been made aware of.  Oh, yeah -- and I wouldn't vote for Barack Hussein Obama if you put a gun to my head and began to pull the trigger.) 

And yet, I genuinely and honestly do know why I love this ABC sitcom so much: because it's ridiculously funny, never fails to make me laugh, and is the first comedy in literally decades that isn't afraid to "go there", and tackle the realities of the day.  Really, not since ABC took a chance on a moderately known comedian named Roseanne Barr 28 years ago, has a sitcom dared to "go there" on the flashpoint issues of the day.  Most sitcoms the last 30 years would rather just grab an audience, than make an impact on that audience.

Last night, "Black-ish"'s season finale paid tribute to my favorite sitcom of all time, "Good Times".  I could probably spend the entire thirty minutes of time the show aired, pointing out the factual and continuity errors on display last night.  (Pause).  Fine, I'll spend at least five.

* The dream sequence had to be set in "Good Times" final season (season six), given the presence of Keith (played by Ben Gordon, who was only on the show in its final season).  Yet somehow, James (John Amos) was in the dream sequence, which would be impossible given that "Good Times" killed off his character to start the fourth season.  (He actually quit the show because he thought the character of JJ was an indefensible racist caricature of a young black man in the 1970s.  Esther Rolle, who played Florida, would quit the show for the exact same reason at the end of season four.)

* Penny never wore glasses, or had vision issues.  The Penny from Dre's dream sequence did. 

* Bookman was way too undersold.  If you love "Good Times", you love (willona woods voice) Booga.  I love Bogga.  Everybody loves the maintenance guy who never fixes anything, can barely squeeze through the door due to his size, and somehow eats everything you have in the fridge, while failing to fix the problem he's there to solve.  Who doesn't love a guy like that?  (Pause).  Put that hand down, Schneider -- Bookman was you before you were you, sir.

* The dream sequence presented Thelma as knocked up by Keith (which did happen in the show) … but said knock-up didn’t occur until (a) after they were married, and (b) was revealed in the final scene of the show’s history.  It wasn’t a driving storyline; it was a happily ever after, uuh, after-thought.

* The dream sequence noted that Keith had a major knee injury that would prevent him from signing a NFL contract (which did happen in the show) … but (a) said major knee injury didn’t occur in a tryout; it occurred because JJ tripped Keith the Groom at his wedding.  Also, it was noted in the dream sequence that Keith was trying out for the Houston Oilers.  In the show, he tried out (and eventually scored a job with) the Chicago Bears (which makes far more sense; the Evans family lived in the projects on the South Side of Chicago).

* There was no notation of Keith’s alcoholic phase in the dream sequence.  Yet there was a (funny as hell itself) notation of Florida’s famous “damn!  Damn!  DAMN!” moment to open season four, as she finally had the death of James affect her.  In the dream sequence?  James is still alive, and working four jobs (which actually does jive with the show’s story line through seasons one through three).

* The dream sequence presents Michael (on “Good Times” played by the awesome Ralph Carter) as a “militant midget”, as his father James referred to him on the show.  This is accurate … only Michael was well past his “militant midget” phase by the time Keith and Penny showed up on the scene, in season six and five, respectively.

* Where the hell was Sweet Daddy Williams?  Or Wanda?  Or Worm?  Or Ned the Wino?  Or Alderman Fred C. Davis?  Or Mrs. Gordon?

(On second thought, it’s a good thing we didn’t get a Mrs. Gordon sighting.  Any woman who would burn her kid with a f*cking iron, deserves to be unremembered.  And deserves to have said hot iron applied on her privatest of parts, while still plugged into the electrical outlet.)

* Finally … the portrayal of JJ by Marcus Scribner (Dre Jr on “Black-ish”).  (Pause).  Actually, this was (clap) Dy-No-Mite!  That kid NAILED the part of JJ Evans (as played by Jimmie “JJ” Walker on “Good Times”).  He absolutely nailed every scene he was in. 

And in the interest of fairness?  EVERY damned scene of last night’s episode was nailed, by EVERY damned actor or actress on the show. 

This was television comedy at its finest.

I couldn’t have been happier at the outcome.

(Pause).

As opposed to the text message I got, at exactly noon o’clock, on a gorgeous mid-May afternoon, that left me anything … but happy.

--------------------

Last night’s episode, courtesy hulu.com:

(Note: if you need a Hulu log-in, just send me an email; I’ll give you mine if I know you … and I’ll give you mine if I don’t, if you offer a decent enough bribe.  (Hint: I’m out of Weller.))

(New Note Added 9:25pm CT 5/19/16: I have no f*cking idea why the link isn't working.  I copied it accurately and everything.  But if you need a Hulu log-in to watch it, the previous note still applies.)

--------------------

Text received at exactly noon o’clock yesterday:

“I know u are probably at the game but wanted to let you know….they just did a big round of layoffs.” – my co-worker Dusti.

--------------------

When I arrived at work this morning, I had an email in my inbox, touting the First Quarter earnings reporting for “company I work for”.

(Note: this is the point where I have to strive to be deliberately vague.  I will probably fail … but I’m going to try.)

“Company I work for”?

Reported $1,100,000,000 (harrison ford in “clear and present danger” voice) “and change”, in operating profit, for 1Q 2016.

For the mathematically challenged, that is $1.1 BILLION in profit, through the first three months of the year.

And that?  Earning more in three months than every single person reading this will earn – combined – in our lifetimes?

THAT?

Wasn’t enough!

Because seriously – how can anyone subside, on $1,100,000,000 (harrison ford in “clear and present danger” voice) “and change”, for three months?

Let alone a lifetime?

--------------------

My entire former department – what was left of it anyways – was sh*t canned yesterday.

There will literally be nobody left, come August 2016, in the department I was hired into, on July 10, 2006, in the Financial and Actuarial Reporting area, here in the KC Metro area.

When I started at “company I work for” on July 10, 2006, I was the 81st person in Financial and Actuarial Reporting.

I am – quite literally – the last man standing, ten years later.

Albeit in a different (yet similar) job, in a different department, on a different floor, than where I started.

I am the last guy who stands up to pee from that department, still employed by “company I work for”.

(There are three others of the eighty-one of us left, all females: my co-worker Dusti (who was laid off in 2008, and in the single smartest decision I’ve made in the last three years, re-hired in March 2014 by me), Donna (who just celebrated her 30th anniversary at “company I work for” … and had to move on to another department to (bee gees voice) stay alive, and my friend Courtney (who I’ve known dating back to Transamerica … and also had to move on, to (johnny bristol voice) “hang on in there baby”). 

That’s it.  Four of Eighty One, still standing ten years later.

Somehow, I’m one of the four.

--------------------

I lost more friends I’ve known for ages yesterday.  Tim, who saved my ass many a reporting period by figuring out the Loss Triangles (even though it wasn’t his job), was downsized.  Nineteen years on the job?  Meaningless!

David, who I’ve sat by for three years and known for ten?  Don’t let the door hit you in the ass, on your way out of said door!

Bill, who I pass every day as I leisurely stroll the paved sidewalks of south Johnson County at lunch?  Twenty years meant nothing, compared to expanding that $1,100,000,000 (harrison ford in “clear and present danger” voice) “and change”, to be $1,100,000,236 (harrison ford in “clear and present danger” voice) “and change” in operating profit!

--------------------

It’s my former work family, in my former department, that makes me the most p*ssed off at this point.

My former boss Lucy – one kid about to start college in the fall, another entering high school.  Twenty years in the job.  Gone just like that.

The incredible friend I sat by for the better part of five years, Pat – thirteen years meant nothing.  Her husband just beat cancer.  They’ve had a horrible year.  This can only make things … worse.

My friend Janet, with a child with autism?  Goodbye reliable health insurance.  All to send that extra $0.02 every quarter, to a shareholder.

Teresa, who has a husband with disability issues, and works from home as a result?  Will have to show up at the office, only to spend 30 seconds of time saying goodbye, before security shows her the door, in a couple months.

And Brad – who ultimately I reported to in that department, and still to this day the single most decent, fair boss I’ve ever worked for (although it’s a tie between him and Belk), who has one kid in college, another about to start, and was looking at retiring before the next Presidential election cycle begins in 2019?

Now has to find a stop gap for three years … or swallow hard, and “interview” for his position, that is moving to another part of this country, for less pay.

--------------------

I guess I choose to close with this.

I am the one person in this life, who does not believe in coincidence.

“Black-ish” airing a tribute to THE ultimate working-class sitcom of all time last night, as this sh*t was going down?

Ain’t a coincidence.

“Good Times” was about the struggles of a poor black family on Chicago’s South Side.  It was a “never give up” story that ultimately ended in true redemption (no matter how unrealistic said “true redemption” was).  It was a story about a father who never abandoned his family, no matter what … until God took him home, to that (“jeffersons” theme song voice) deluxe apartment, in the sky.  It was about a family that stuck together, no matter how ugly things got.

That’s why yesterday was the ultimate Charles Dickens Day to me.

It was the best of times.  Spending time with friends at a ballgame, soaking up some sun, enjoying one awesome late lunch / early dinner, seeing my favorite sitcom of all time truly honored, by the only show on television today with the actual "street cred" to truly honor it.

And it was the worst of times, as the family I chose through work, was massacred Jonestown style, through no fault of our own.

I both loved – and hated – the hell out of yesterday.

Yesterday was truly, both the best of times ... and the worst of times.

Because the Royals?  Our Boyz N Blue look like they’re coming around, headed to AL Central leading Chicago this weekend.

Because “Black-ish”?  Has firmly established itself as the best comedy on an alphabet network (much like “Good Times” was, when I was born 39 years, 5 months, and 16 days ago).

And because to the family I have chosen, through friendship and professional commitment?

No truer words describe today, than the theme song to “Good Times”:

“Keepin’ yo head above water!
Making a wave where you can!

Temporary layoffs?  (Good Times!)
Easy credit ripoffs?  (Good Times!)
Striving and surviving?  (Good Times!)
Hangin’ in a chow line?  (Good Times!)

(C’mon – we all know how this ends!)

Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em?
(Na Na Na Na Na)

Good Times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I guess that's what I am ultimately grateful for.  No matter what happens in this life?  There will always be the good times.

You just might have to look really long, and really hard, to find them.

(Pause).

You're damned right I can make any post porn-friendly (rimshot!) ...

Monday, May 16, 2016

the (in)defensible twenty seven ...

“In a lifetime?
Made of memories?
I believe?
In destiny!

Every moment?
Returns again in time.
When I’ve got the future on my mind?
Know that you’ll be the only one!

Meet me halfway?
Across the sky!
Out where the world belongs?
To only you and I!

Meet me halfway?
Across the sky!
Make this a new beginning of?
Another life!

In a lifetime?
There is only love!
Reaching for?
The lonely one!

We are stronger,
When we are giving love!
When we put emotions on the line?
Know that we are the timeless ones!

Meet me halfway?
Across the sky!
Out where the world belongs?
To only you and I!

Meet me halfway?
Across the sky!
Make this a new beginning of?
Another life! …”

-- “Meet Me Halfway” by Kenny Loggins … which is THE “(Dis)Honorable Mention” for this post.  But don’t worry – (nsync voice) This I promise you?

Ol’ Ken is gonna land in the top ten, of this list post …

--------------------

This post … I’m almost embarrassed to write.

Emphasis on “almost”.

Because these, peoples and peepettes, are THE Twenty Seven Sh*ttiest Songs On My iPhone.

These are the twenty seven songs – all bought and paid for! – that if you were to scroll through my playlists, you would bust out laughing at seeing on there.  You would instantly mock me for having spent (at least) $1.29 / song to have the high honor and privilege of being able to listen to said song at any moment in time I felt like listening to it.

(And in a few cases, you’d just assume I was high, when purchasing said song.)

Love me or hate me, you gotta admit: nobody makes fun of me, like me.

Here we go, from what I consider the “most” defensible purchase … to the “wow, I REALLY own this … and am going to DEFEND owning it?!?!?!” track …

--------------------


My defense: because of one stanza:

“So if you ever loved me?
Show me that you give a damn!
To know for certain?
The man I really am!”

I mean, them is fightin’ words!  That is “how dare you claim I don’t love you!” fightin’ words!

That … and like every good dude who’s found “the one”, he concedes the ending that everyone saw coming:

“The search is over.
Love?  Was right before
My eyes …”

Aw.  That’s just precious.  Kind of like nine year old Stevo fist pumping his excitement at some girl agreeing to skate to this song -- just ... precious.

(cue even stevo's mommy gagging at that cheezy one-liner ...)


My defense: I’ll defend anything from the 1970s that isn’t disco.  And hell, given that my favorite movie of all time is what fueled disco to the height of its popularity *, I’ll even defend disco.

But this style of music, I absolutely love.  Always have, always will.  Be it Jack Johnson, Ben Harper, Dave Matthews, or Lobo.  A song you can absolutely envision just sitting on a couch, a rolled Swisher with something other than cigar tobacco in it … I can hear it now:

“Baby?  I’d love you to want me!
The way that I want you!
The way that it should be!”

I mean, come on peepettes reading this – who WOULDN’T instantly want to (bob eubanks voice) make whoopee if some … I don’t know … just for sh*ts and giggles, let’s say some 39 year old white guy who writes for this site, who WOULDN’T instantly be attracted to that proverbial 39 year old white dude blogger, if he told you that while enjoying a tobacco like product that will be legal nationwide before Mrs. Clinton’s second Inauguration?

(Note: I might be high right now.  Just saying.)

(*: don’t worry, “Saturday Night Fever” factors into the top four on this (in)defensible list of sh*ttacular excellence.)


My defense: in the interest of full disclosure, I watched “American Idol” right through to the end.  And in the interest of full disclosure, Ms. DeGarmo covering this song in the Season Three Finale is one of my five favorite “Idol” performances ever.  (Hence it being on my track listing on my iPhone.)

Having said that … God, I love this song.  One of the great “don’t ever let your tormentor see how much they’ve truly hurt you” tracks you’ll ever hear:

 “Don’t cry out loud!
Just keep it inside;
Learn how to hide your feelings.

Fly high and proud!
And if you should fall?
Remember – you almost had it all! …”

(And yes, I know – I TOTALLY flunk the “don’t ever let those you have been hurt by, ever know just how f*cking much they’ve hurt you!” test.  Hypocrisy 101.  I could teach a thesis level course on that subject, if we’re being honest here.)


My defense: because this is one kick ass song.  I don’t give a damn that Barry “Effing” Gibb wrote it.  I don’t give a damn that it’s from the height of the disco era.  I don’t give a damn that it’s Dionne “Psychic Friends Hotline” Warwick singing it.

If Dionne’s niece is correct, that (whitney houston voice) “crack is whack”?  This this is one kick ass song.

Because it is one great “how stupid have you got to be, to be through with me!” rebuttal, to an unwanted and/or unforeseen, breakup.

“My love?  Is stronger than the universe!
My soul?  Is crying for you!
And that cannot be reversed!

You made the rules,
Yet you could not see –
You made a life out of hurting me?

Out of my mind?
I am held by the power
Of you, love.

Tell me – when do we try?
Why should we say goodbye?

Why do you have to be a heartbreaker?
When I was being,
What you want me to be?

Suddenly, everything I ever wanted?
Has passed me by! …”


My defense: I offer none … other than, I like the song.

And sadly, that is not the last time, my sole defense, will be “I offer none … other than, I like the song.”


My defense: because what I wouldn’t give, to feel this way about a girl again.

“I know it’s not my fault;
I did my best.
And God knows this heart of mine?
Could use a rest.

But more and more I find?
The dreams I left behind?
Are somehow too real?
To replace!  (Replace!)

Oh, last night?
I didn’t get to sleep at all!
No, no, no!

The sleeping pill I took?
Was just a waste of time.
I couldn’t close my eyes,
Because you were on my mind.

Last night?
I didn’t get to sleep!
I didn’t get to sleep!
I didn’t get to sleep at all! …”

(Plus, God bless -- what a great song!  (Pause).  Who's with me!  (Crickets chirping ...)  (Pause).  (Sigh of disgust).)  

Fine, let's move on ...


My defense: well first of all, it’s the "dramatic follow up” from a teenage pop sensation in Canada in the 1990s ** (played so brilliantly by Cobie Smulders for nine years on “How I Met Your Mother”).  Secondly, it’s nowhere near as good as her first “hit” as a teenage Canadian sensation, “Let’s Go To The Mall” ***.

Yet I like this one better.  I have no idea why, other than Alan Thicke in the house, yo!

(**: you have to pay attention to notice it, but "Sandcastles In The Sand" is what Robin walks down the aisle to when she marries Barney in the season nine episode "The End Of the Aisle".)

(***: my ten favorite episodes of this incredible show: (10) "Showdown" from Season Two -- because anytime you can appear on "The Price Is Right", you have to do it; (9) "Glitter" from Season Six -- because the beaver is a noble creature; (8) "Canning Randy" from Season Six -- because we all could use a frosty cold mug of Wharmpiss every now and then; (7) "The Final Page (Both Parts)" from Season Eight -- because "The Robin" is such a f*cked-up way of winning the girl, even I am in awe of it; (6) "Sandcastles In The Sand" from Season Three -- because we all love beyond reason, the first night we "just stopped watching"; (5) "Pilot" from Season One -- because who wouldn't love to receive a Smurf Penis; (4) "Something Blue" from Season Two -- because no matter how bad a hair day you're having, you can't top Marshall's bad hair day on the biggest day of his life; (3) "Bad News" from Season Six -- because none of us are ever prepared, for this; (2) "Slap Bet" from Season Two -- because anytime you can genuinely say "Porn?  I wish it was porn; that'd be less embarrassing!" when discussing your past, it's a good thing; (1) "Gary Blauman" from Season Nine -- because none of us really realize how easy it is, for someone to disappear from your life forever.  Just missing the cut would be "How Your Mother Met Me" from Season Nine, and "Ten Sessions" from Season Three.)


My defense: I offer none ... other than I love the song.

I mean, seriously, how can anyone hate this:

"Let's go crazy, crazy, crazy
Til we see the sun!
I know we only met?
But let's pretend it's love!

And never, never, never stop
For anyone!
Tonight?  Let's get some!
And live while we're young!"


My defense: I'm not sure what's more pathetic: George Michael ... or the dude George sings about, in this song.

I mean, it's one thing to be a cheater.  I don't really have much use for someone who would blatantly lie to their significant other, about their, uuh, significance, to them.  But when she's cheating on you, gives you free reign to do the same to her, and you not only refuse the offer, but you stick with your cheating partner, whose cheating you can't stop b*tching about?  Dude, get out.  It will not end well.  Either stay faithful to your partner, or have both parties agree to an open marriage.  Either way, have the balls to own what it is you want: one partner, or many.

(And thus ends the "Stevo Lecture on Morality" portion of these (piss poorly) prepared remarks.  And yes, I know – me lecturing someone on morality is patently absurd.  Hypocrisy 101 enrollment starts now.)


My defense: because it's the one song by them I'll admit to enjoying.  There are others ... but I haven't bought and paid for the privilege, of enjoying those.

This one, I did.

And I have no regrets.


My defense: because the second verse just kicks ass.  Seriously, just read the lyrics:

"Society blind by color --
Why not bound one,
To raise another?

Discrimination now on both sides --
Seeds of hate?
Blossom further.

The world is headed for mutiny,
When all we want?
Is unity.

We may rise and fall,
But in the end?
We'll meet our fate together!"


My defense: have you ever listened to the song?  It’s one epic “I love you, but … uuh … yeah … you’re just my one on the side” ballad.  Somehow, I dig that.  I admire brutal honesty sometimes.

“I don’t have the heart?
To hurt you –
It’s the last thing?
I want to do!

But I don’t have the heart?
To love you –
Not the way?
You want me to! …”


My defense: because it's a really underrated song.  I irrationally love this track.

"First, when there's nothing
But a slow blowing dream?
That your fear seems to hide
Deep inside your mind?

All alone?  I have cried.
Silent tears, full of pride.
In a world, made of steel,
Made of stone ...

(cue the peppy music now ...)

Well I hear the music!
Close my eyes, feel the rhythm!
Wrap around, take ahold
Of my heart!

What a feeling!
Beings believing!
I can have it all,
Now I'm dancing for my life!

Take your passion?
And make it happen!
Pictures come alive --
Now I'm dancing through my life!

What a feeling! ..."

What a feeling indeed!


My defense: because of all the sh*tty rappers St. Louis has unleashed up on -- I'm looking at you, Chingy -- the worst bar none is J-KWON.  (The best being Nelly, of course.  God bless it, fifteen years later, and "E.I." is still a masterpiece.  "If the head right?  Nelly there e'ry night!"  (tony bruno voice) Beautiful.)

This song is atrocious.  And I absolutely love it.

I mean, when the chorus is "E'rybody in this b*tch gettin' tipsy!" over and over again, how can you hate it?

Speaking of absolutely atrocious songs I irrationally love ...


My defense: for starters, it's off an album titled "Southern Comfort".  As someone who would live on SoCo and lime on the rocks if my liver could handle it ****, you have to admire and respect that title.

But the song itself -- have you ever listened to the words?

It's Conway Twitty, praising his ability to get a woman off with his hand. 

In other words?  It's six degrees of awesome!

"Darlin?  Don't say a word!
I've already heard
What your body's saying to mine!

You're tired of fast moves!
You've got a slow groove,
On your mind ...

You want a man with a slow hand!
You want a lover with an easy touch!
You want somebody who will spend some time,
Not come and go in a heated rush!

Baby?  Believe me,
I understand!
When it comes to love?
You want a slow hand! ..."

(****: fine, we all know my liver could handle it.)


My defense: I have none.  I mean, this song is atrocious.  It's pure 1981 at its finest.  And somehow, I love it.


My defense:  because other than "I Want It That Way" and "Bye, Bye, Bye", this is the best song of the Boy Band Era that dominated the late 1990s and early 2000s. 

Unless it's ...


My defense: because this is one fun song!  And because who doesn't enjoy scoring the hottest girl in the club ***** or the bar for a night of, uuh, fun!

"Girl, if we do what we did last night again?
Baby, you and I would be better friends!
Don't you think it's time we went a bit further?

Every night when we say goodbye?
How can I help looking in your eyes,
Wondering why you and I never hit it.
Can we get it on?

Girl, I'm faded, but I feel alright!
Thinkin' bout making my move tonight!
I can't pretend that you're only my friend,
When you're holding my body tight!

Cause I like the way you're making him move;
I like the way you're making me wait.
And at the end of the night,
When I make up your mind?
You'll be coming on home with me! ..."

(*****: this especially applies if the word "strip", is in front of the word "club".  Man, the "Night That Will Live in Infamy" -- me, a stripper, a cripple, and a chick with a mustache nicknamed Ratty.  NOTHING says "I'm faded" like waking up spooning with a chick nicknamed Ratty.  Trust me on that one. 

I'm telling you, some network is missing out on comedic gold by not making a sitcom based on my life.)


My defense: because who doesn’t love a song about a stalker!  (Pause).  OK, fine – who DOES love a song about a creepy ass stalker?

“But night took a hold of my heart,
And left me with noone to follow.
The love that I’ve lost to the dark?
I’ll always remember …

Forever?  In my heart!
Forever?  Here you’ll be!
Know that when I’m gone?
You’ll be near to me!

Forever in my mind!
Always thought I’d be?
I’d be yours! …”

God, that is just frightening.  Or endearing, depending on your viewpoint of Stalker Dude.


My defense: (pause).  Jesus, I’m struggling at this point …

Because moments in a life matter.  That’s my defense – moments in your life, that involve people who you love the f*ck out of, that matter like hell itself to you?  Matter. 

I have a very, very specific reason this song is on that iPhone (and has been on my iTunes for almost eight years now).  This song holds the key to one of the great weekends of my life, from the last weekend of August 2008.  It’s …

Well, sh*t – it’s personal. 

You people who know me best, know that I do not believe in coincidence.  EVERY single thing that happens in life, happens for a reason.  We may never learn the reason, but it happens for a reason.  This song holds its spot it does, because of the weekend before Labor Day, 2008.

The reason why I love this song as I do?  Stays with me. 

Other than to note to one person who might read this, that said reason?  Is the only moment in time, I actually believed the bullsh*t and lies crammed down my throat, that were the two years of my life between April 20, 2007 and May 1, 2009.  It’s the ONLY moment in those two years, you made sense to me. 

Sh*t, it’s the only moment in those two years?  You actually exposed who “The Man Behind The Curtain” is … and somehow, someway, I not only grasped it … I choose to this day, to blindly forgive you for it. 

I’ll just leave it at that.

(Pause).

Fine – I’ll leave it at this:

“Like a thief in the night,
Who can’t get enough?
I am willing to fight –
‘Cause I’m a soldier of love!

Like a shot in the dark,
When the going gets rough?
It’s a state of the heart –
You’re a soldier of love!”


My defense: I was 9 when this song came out.  When this song came out, my mom taught 8th grade History ****** at Northwest Middle School, off of 18th Street, just north of Parallel, in KCK.

They had a spring choir deal that my mom drug my brother and I to.

The closing song?  Was this.

That moment still sticks with me.  The passion, the heart-felt emotion, this song raised in those kids.

Or maybe it’s the fact that our President (allegedly) born in (ray charles voice) Akifa, has done less for his (alleged) home continent, than Mr. Reagan in the 1980s, and Mr. Bush in the 2000s, and it’s not even a close competition.

I just love everything this song represents, everything it offers.  Deal with it.

(******: for those who wonder why I love history so much?  Blame my mommy.  No truer statement has ever been made, than the statement that “those who fail to learn from the past?  Are doomed to repeat it.” )


My defense: because it’s the most laughable music video in history.

(No, really -- you NEED to click on the link, and watch this video.  You will NOT regret it.)

And it’s one helluva song.

Because damn, what a life of regret it paints a picture of.

“We had it all!
Just like Bogey and Bacall!
Starring in our own late lead show,
Sailing away to Key Largo!

Here’s looking at you kid!
Missing all the things we did!
We can find it once again, I know –
Just like they did in Key Largo!

Honey, can’t you remember?
We played all the parts!
That sweet scene of surrender,
When you gave me your heart?

Please say you will?
Play it again!
Cause I love you still,
And baby?  This can’t be the end! …”


My defense: because if you were 16, 17, 18 in the mid 1990’s, and didn’t love Tevin Campbell?  Then I didn’t want to know you – then, or now.

(OK, fine -- then.  I love all y’all now.)

Defense Dos: "I'm Ready" is one of -- if not THE -- greatest CD of the mid 1990s.  Possibly "Back to Front" by Lionel Richie was greater ... but nah, it wasn't.  "I'm Ready" is seventy minutes of musical brilliance.

(cue "bunch" nodding in agreement.)

(cue my brother nodding in agreement.)

(cue even hover nodding in agreement.)

(God, I miss what life was in the mid 1990s ...)

To this day, this is the song on “Mixology” that any person could question when it pops up on a Chiefs Mixology … and yet, somehow, someway?

I always get at least two “I love this song!  Great call!” compliments, because it plays.

Because sh*t, these are some amazing lyrics:

“I started?
To write you letters.
But I wanted?
To be more clever!

I wanted?
To get down, and sweet talk you!

But just like a baby?
I could not talk.
And I tried to come closer?
But could not walk.

And I?  Think of it every night,
How I?  Just could not get it right!

Oh, if we
Ever come close again?
I know what I’ll say then –

Can we talk for a minute?
Girl, I want to know your name!
Can we talk for a minute?
Girl, I want to know your name! …”

(That, and I guarantee you, “bts” has my back, on the greatness of this song.  We may not agree on much … but I guaran-damn-tee you, Brent digs this song as much as I do, (gulp) twenty-two years after its release.  

(Pause).  

(cue bts not just nodding in absolute agreement, over the greatness of this song, and cd, but openly applauding both's greatness, in five … four … three …))

And now?  We've reached the "swallow hard and try to defend this" moment in this post ...


My defense: because it’s the love theme from my favorite movie of all time.  (Pause).  Which I suppose the fact that “Saturday Night Fever” is my favorite movie of all time, is so (in)defensible itself, that I might need to type up a post defending it.

Oh, wait – I already did.  Five years ago.

 (Your counter: but you HATE the scene this song dominates so much, you stop watching the movie six minutes before the ending, to avoid it!)

My counter-defense: true.  The ending to “Saturday Night Fever” is just Zues in nature.  It’s beyond grouse.  It’s criminitely god awful.

(Again – I could teach a doctoral dissertation level course, on Hypocrisy 101.)

(john madden voice) I mean, here you have a guy in Tony Manero – the single most repulsive “hero” a movie has ever featured as said “hero” – here you have a guy who not even twenty minutes of screen time earlier is doing his damndest to rape Stephanie (his dance partner he kicked Annette to the curb for … which is the single most under-developed plot in “Fever”, save for the whole Father Frank angle that dies a merciful death about halfway through the film.  No, really – Tony is so rotted to his core, that he literally kicks the only person in his life who truly gives a sh*t about him to the curb, and doesn’t think it’s necessary to tell her she’s being replaced.  Tony Manero was truly the best.  And by “best”, I mean “worst humanity has to offer” …)

… And in the twenty minutes since said attempted rape, has:

a. all but endorsed the only person in life who actually gave a true sh*t about him (Annette), being raped in his back seat by his friends;

b. seen a friend literally commit suicide in front of him, just to get Tony’s attention;

c. seen the only person in life who actually gave a true sh*t about him (Annette), finally break free for good as they fish Bobby’s body out of the East River after said suicide, and

d. (a), (b), and (c) all occurred after he dropped multiple racial blasts at a Puerto Rican couple – not even thirty minutes of screen time after he and his boys literally beat the sh*t out of actual Puerto Ricans because they’re all violent racists -- who actually should have won the competition, the movie ostensibly spends two plus hours building to.

To say nothing of

e. spent the entire night riding the subways of New York, stoned / drugged / drunk out of his mind, pondering his next move / criminal act … and somehow, going to visit his intended rape victim, is the most sensible, logical, defensible move, that comes to his mind.

(stevo voice) Are you f*cking kidding me right now?!?!?!?!

(Your counter-response: whoa, “Saturday Night Fever” features all of this?  In a thirty minute stretch?  And only one of those moments is in your favorite top three moments of the movie?!?!?!  Maybe I should finally listen to you, Stevo, and give it a look!)

And yet somehow, someway?  (e) happens!  Because the final scene of the movie is Tony, showing up on his intended rape victim’s doorstep … and she somehow not only lets him in, and not only emotionally connects with him, but the words:

“How deep is your love?
How deep is your love?
I really mean to learn!”

Cause we’re living in a world of rules,
Breaking us down,
When they all should let us be!

We belong?
To you and me! …”

Is the sound track to the moment!

(good ol’ jr voice) Good God Almighty!  As God is my witness!  Not even I could write a final six minutes, that sh*ttacular and unbelievable.

(And that, peoples and peepettes, is why I refuse to watch “Fever” beyond the scene where Annette reaches her “you earned this buddy!” moment of triumph over Tony, when she turns her back, as Bobby is fished out of the East River, with about six minutes of air time to go.  That’s where “Fever” should have ended.  Instead, we get this debacle of a finale, and somehow, we’re all good with it.)


My defense: (pause).  (Thinking).  (Really thinking).

Well, Carrie Underwood had a pretty solid cover of it on her season of “American Idol”.

Other than that, I got nothing.

Other than twelve year old Stevo got a few quality skates in with a lovely member of the (suddenly beginning to notice) opposite sex, to this epic tune:

“The flowers you gave me?
Are just about to die!
When I think about, what could have been?
It makes me want to cry!

The sweet words you whispered?
Didn’t mean a thing!
I guess our song is over,
As we begin to sing …

Could’ve been?
So beautiful.
Could’ve been?
So right!

Could’ve been?
My lover,
Every day?
Of my life!

Could’ve been?
So beautiful!
Could’ve been?
So right.

But I’ll never hold
What could’ve been,
On a cold and lonely
Night …”

Oh, Skateland on 103rd Street and the Overland Parkway ... and Shawnee Mission Parkway and Mastin.  How much twelve year old Stevo misses you ...

Speaking of missing something ... and please -- spare me the "what, your sanity!" comeback those four words leaves me wide, wide open to hearing ... because after all: you can't miss, what you never had ...


My defense: what if I told you that this epic, incredible song – which is one of my three or four favorite performances in Grammy history – came to be because a DJ in Louisville, Kentucky, was looking for one last great “f*ck you!” send off to his (now) ex-wife? 

Would you believe me?

Well you should – because that’s how one of the most legendary songs in music history, came to be, uuh, legendary.

The Voice of Reason notes that “you can never go wrong with monkeys and/or midgets”.  And while he’s absolutely correct … you also can never go wrong, with a great “f*ck you!” song either.

Which leaves the single most indefensible musical purchase I have ever made.

You can probably guess what it is.

Because I guaran-godd*mn-tee you, at least six out of ten of you reading this?

Having this song on your iTunes ...

1. Barry Manilow, “Mandy”.

My defense: just listen, and tell me this song isn’t a (will sterrett voice) jam.



“I remember all my life?
Raining down as cold as ice?
Shadows of a man;
A face through a window!

Crying in the night!
The night goes into morning …

Just another day,
Of happy people passing my way.
Looking in their eyes?
I see a memory –

I never realized,
How happy you made me!

 Oh Mandy!

Well you came,
And you gave,
Without taking!
But I sent you away …

Oh Mandy!

Well you kissed me
And stopped me from shaking;
And I need you today,
Oh Mandy …”

--------------------

Not sure what the next post will be ... but hope you enjoyed this one, at least half as much, as I did writing it.  Because I busted up laughing watching these videos at least fifteen times ...

week twelve picks

The Statisticals. Last Week SU: 8-6-0. Season to Date SU: 98-62-1. Last Week ATS: 7-7-0. Season to Date ATS: 75-80-6. Last Week Upset / ...