Saturday, May 7, 2016

stevo's first look at your 2016 nfl season ...

“Now the stadium’s quiet, standing here
Alone on this old fifty yard line.
If I listen close?  I can hear battle cries
Of all the heroes come and gone, before I was alive.

The memories of fourth and three?
Now that rival game is coming back to me!
It meant more than a big state ring;
If we could do it again?  It’d be insane!

Remember the lights and the butterflies?
Giving it all just one last time?
Because heroes are remembered –
But dragons never die!

This ain’t no game around here,
It’s more like religion!
We built this thing around here,
A football tradition!

So everybody get up,
And feast your eyes
On the highlight of small town life –
It’s Friday night! …”

-- “Friday Night” by Brantley Gilbert.  Sorry for the sh*tty link; it’s the best Youtube! has to offer of this song …

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Apologies for being a few weeks late ... but here is Stevo's Site Numero Dos' look at the upcoming NFL season, week by week.

A few notes before beginning this exercise:

(1) The "Good Times" Game O' The Week is the worst game on the board.  It is so named because any person with an intelligence quotient above that of a corpse, would opt to watch a three hour marathon of "Good Times" * over spending even one second of time watching this matchup.

(2) Should more than one game be worthy of "Good Times" designation in a week, we go in descending order to "ALF", "Webster", "Sanford and Son", and (God help us all if we ever go five deep in unwatchable games) "One Day At a Time".  Since I began this site eight years ago (the first seven of which involved actual game prognostications), we have never gone deeper than "Sanford and Son". 

(3) The Best Game On the Board is the game I think is the best matchup on the board, four months out from the season's start.

(4) Game I Am Most Anticipating is just that -- the game I am the most fired up to watch (or if lucky enough, attend).

(5) The two rooting interests of this site, are the Chiefs and the Jets.  If you aren’t a fan of either squad, you should be.  If you’re a fan of the raiders?  Seek professional help.  If you’re a fan of the denver broncos?  Stay away from me.  You have to be indwelt by the lord of darkness himself, to root for those people.

Got it?  Good.  Let's begin.

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(*: the awesome ABC comedy "Black-ish" is paying tribute to Stevo's Site Numero Dos' primary writer's favorite sitcom of all time in their season finale on Wednesday, May 18th.  That truly is ... (jimmy walker voice) Dy-No-Mite!  Ain't we lucky we got 'em?  Good Times!!!!!!!!!!!)

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Week One

* Best Game On The Board: Panthers at satan's squad (Thursday September 8, 7:25pm, NBC).  I believe this is the first time a Super Bowl rematch has opened the season.  Let's all hope and pray the outcome is reversed this time.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: Packers at Jaguars (Sunday September 11, noon, FOX).  A sneaky, sneaky good matchup between one of the league's elites ... and a team that is about to join those ranks.

* "Good Times" Game O' The Week: Browns at Eagles (Sunday September 11, noon, CBS).  Don Criqui alert!  Don Criqui alert!

* Chiefs: vs "Super" Chargers (Sunday September 11, noon, CBS).  A very, very, very winnable opener for the Red and Gold.  Chiefs have won 5 of their last 6 at Arrowhead against the "Super" Chargers, and 4 straight overall against them ... although almost every Chiefs victory in this run, has been by less than a touchdown. 

Besides the balloon launch out of the alphabet block letters (which is hands down my favorite moment of the home opener), this game has serious "Perfect Stevo GameDay" ** potential.  That truly does not suck.  Not even a lil' bit.

* Jets: vs Bengals (Sunday September 11, noon, CBS).  A must win opener for Gang Green -- they play 6 of their next 8 away from the Fake Meadowlands. 

(**: "Perfect Stevo GameDay": the Chiefs get up by at least three scores (that's at least seventeen points, for the mathematically challenged) in the second half of a game played in 85 plus degree, sunny weather.  Because the rest of the game, you will find me, Birkenstocks kicked off, feet propped up on the seat in front of me, doing what I do best: sit in the sun and drink, while wondering where the hell my t-shirt disappeared to.)

Week Two

* Best Game On The Board: Packers at Vikings (Sunday September 18, 7:25pm, NBC).  The winner gains an early edge in the NFC Norris.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: Colts at satan's squad (Sunday September 18, 3:25pm, CBS).  I have a feeling -- and it's a gut feeling, but still -- I have a feeling I am going to really, really, really enjoy the 2016 denver broncos season.

* "Good Times" Game O' The Week: Titans at Lions (Sunday September 18, noon, CBS).  Just an awful, awful, awful matchup.

* "ALF" Game O' The Week: Eagles at Bears (Monday September 19, 7:30pm, ESPN).  My God.  The actual acting on "ALF" might be of a higher quality, than the football that will be staged in this one.

* Chiefs: at Texans (Sunday September 18, noon, CBS).  The Chiefs dominated both matchups last year; I have a feeling this year's (first) showdown will be slightly more competitive. 

What I most look forward to in this (don fambrough voice) showdown, throwdown, hoedown, is that magical moment at about 6:30, 6:40am, when I emerge from the lobby of the Comfort Suites NRG Park ***, and my glasses immediately fog over, because it's so f*cking hot outside, compared to the air conditioned environment I just emerged from.  Love that moment.  Also -- and I hope they continue this -- I cannot wait until the video board pops up The Eli Young Band, and 70,000 plus rise as one to celebrate the fact that

"The Stars at night?
Are big and bright!
(Clap Clap Clap Clap)
Deep In The Heart of Texas!

The prairie sky?
Is wide and high?
(Clap Clap Clap Clap)
Deep In The Heart of Texas!

The sage and blue?
Smells like perfume!
(Clap Clap Clap Clap)

Reminds me of,
The one I love --
(Clap Clap Clap Clap)
Deep In The Heart of Texas!!!!!!!!"

(Odds I actually return home after this game?  62.44%.  Jesus, I want to move back so damned bad ...)

* Jets: at Bills (Thursday September 15, 7:25pm, NFLN/CBS).  Because this is going to go so well! 

(***: I stayed at Comfort Suites NRG Park for both games last year.  Why f*ck with what works?)

Week Three

* Best Game On The Board: Texans at Patriots (Thursday September 22, 7:25pm, NFLN/CBS).  A battle of division winners.  (sgt. rick hunter voice) It works for me.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: Vikings at Panthers (Sunday September 25, noon, FOX).  A matchup of division winners.  Sweet.

* "Good Times" Game O' The Week: Rams at Bucs (Sunday September 25, noon, FOX).  This will not be pulled up on the laptop during tailgating.

* "ALF" Game O' The Week: 49ers at Seahawks (Sunday September 25, 3:05pm, FOX).  As a public courtesy, I note that the largest margin of victory in NFL history is 74; the largest number of points scored in a game in NFL history is 77.  Both figures are in play for this one-sided affair.

* "Webster" Game O' The Week: Bears at Cowboys (Sunday September 25, 7:25pm, NBC).  I ask this with all due sincerity: who in the hell wants to see the Bears in prime time two weeks in a row?  And what's NBC's upside with this matchup being on its network?  If Tony Romo is healthy, the Cowboys win 35-10.  If Tony Romo is hurt, this is a 7-6 disaster where there are no winners, simply losers across the board.

* Chiefs: vs Jets (Sunday September 25, 3:25pm, CBS).
* Jets: at Chiefs (Sunday September 25, 3:25pm, CBS).

Oh.  My.  F*cking.  God!

1A (Chiefs) vs 1B (Jets)!  On what (hopefully) is a Perfect Stevo GameDay!  A five plus hour tailgate!  (Holy crap, do I have to nail Mixology: The Jets or what?)  One last, great day of summer!  I ... I am so freaking fired up for this game, that it almost -- almost! -- will match the anticipation, hype, and hope I will feel exactly three months later.

Because let's be honest, Chiefs fans -- NOTHING looks better right now, than the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus.

Week Four

* Best Game On The Board: Colts at Jaguars (Sunday October 2, 8:30am, CBS).  No, this is not a typo.  It's a highly intriguing, likely to be entertaining showdown between the two sleeper squads in the AFC.  Both of these teams are capable of winning the AFC South, and upsetting their way into being one of the last four teams standing come mid-January.  Both of these teams are also more than capable of sh*tting the bed and going 3-13.  Circle me intrigued Bert.  Circle me intrigued.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: Cowboys at 49ers (Sunday October 2, 3:25pm, FOX).  I don't care how sh*tty these two teams are, this is always a special matchup.

* "Good Times" Game O' The Week: Browns at Redskins (Sunday October 2, noon, CBS).  For those unfamiliar with this incredible piece of television history known as "Good Times", I would suggest you start the three hour marathon during this game by pulling up the four-parter "The Evans Get Involved".  Then flip back to the season four premiere, which closes with one of the most legendary lines (and scenes) in television history.  Finally, for the sixth episode in this block, I would pick the late in season six episode "A Matter of Mothers", which is THE best episode "Good Times" ever aired. 

Even if you've never seen a moment of this sitcom, Chiefs fans?  Watch "A Matter of Mothers".  If you do, you'll understand why I (and many other Chiefs fans) are as p*ssed off and disgusted with the selection of Tyreek Hill.  #endabusenow

* "ALF" Game O' The Week: Lions at Bears (Sunday October 2, noon, FOX).  I have no viewing suggestions for your "ALF" marathon, other than ... and it's been a while since I hauled this one out.  ("the voice of reason" stating the obvious voice) It's ALF!

* Chiefs: at Steelers (Sunday October 2, 7:25pm, NBC).  Wow -- a Chiefs / Steelers matchup in a national viewing slot.  That NEVER happens!  (Just kidding; it ALWAYS happens.)

This game is more about what I am not anticipating, and it's not the likely 34-14 "bend over, assume the position, and take the business" beating the Chiefs will probably endure.  No, odds are, this will be the day we close down The Pool.  Always the saddest day of the year that is foreseeable before it happens, because it means the true end of summer.  Sure, there's still another solid 5-6 weeks of watching Chiefs and Royals games on The Deck, and at least a solid month of enjoying The Beer Machine.  But the day the tarp goes over The Pool, is truly the saddest day of them all.

* Jets: vs Seahawks (Sunday October 2, noon, FOX).  The Jets likely enter this one at either 0-3 or 1-2.  You hate to call a Week Four non-divisional matchup a "must win proposition" ... but the entire damned season could be riding on the need to spring the upset here.

Week Five

* Best Game On The Board: Texans at Vikings (Sunday October 9, noon, CBS).  This week is not the brightest bulb in the pack, folks.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: “Super” Chargers at raiders (Sunday October 9, 3:25pm, CBS).  Always good for at least five brawls, sixteen arrests, and one attempted murder.  And that's within the first hour after the gates open.

* "Good Times" Game O' The Week: Eagles at Lions (Sunday October 9, noon, FOX).  Folks, I gotta be honest here.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Good point -- we are rapidly running out of opportunities to do this.  Ladies and gentlemen?  Vice President Biden.

(vice president biden voice) Folks?  This week's slate of sh*tty games may go five deep!  A three letter word -- deep!

Thank you sir.  Next up ...

* "ALF" Game O' The Week: Titans at Dolphins (Sunday October 9, noon, CBS).  Not even people with sixteen fantasy teams will be paying attention to this one.

* "Webster" Game O' The Week: Bears at Colts (Sunday October 9, noon, FOX).  Smells like a 13-9 outcome that is even more boring than the score makes it sound.

* "Sanford And Son" Game O' The Week: Patriots at Browns (Sunday October 9, noon, FOX).  Gee, you think Thomas Brady is going to be fired up for his season debut?

* Chiefs: bye.  I hate the early bye.  An early bye (as in, before Week Six) has benefitted the Chiefs exactly once: 2006, when the bye enabled Damon Huard to get up to speed with the offense, and launched a stretch that saw the Chiefs win 7 of 9 to eventually earn the AFC's final playoff berth.  Every other time, it has not provided a lick of benefit, and in most cases, has hurt the Chiefs season -- most especially in 2010, when the momentum of a 3-0 start crash landed after a Week Four bye in Indianapolis ... then Houston ... then denver ... then oakland ... then, well, you get the point.

* Jets: at Steelers (Sunday October 9, noon, CBS).  As my buddy Pickell would say: "put it this way".  Either the Chiefs are going to p*ss off the Steelers something fierce the week before, and the Steelers will deliver a woodshed style beating to Gang Green as a result ... or the Steelers, coming off a victory over the Chiefs, deliver a woodshed style beating to Gang Green anyway.  I don't have high hopes for this game.

Week Six

* Best Game On The Board: Cowboys at Packers (Sunday October 16, 3:25pm, FOX).  Should be fun.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: Colts at Texans (Sunday October 16, 7:25pm, NBC).  Could be for the AFC South.

* "Good Times" Game O' The Week: Browns at Titans (Sunday October 16, noon, CBS).  This might be Tennessee's only win.  Then again, this might be Cleveland's only win.  Or it might end in a 0-0 tie that makes slapper mode on the classic 007 game (brantley gilbert voice) "back in the day" look awesome.

* "ALF" Game O' The Week: Rams at Lions (Sunday October 16, noon, FOX).  About as awful as it gets.

* Chiefs: at raiders (Sunday October 16, 3:05pm, CBS).  If this is the Chiefs final journey to the hell on earth known as "The Black Hole", then by God, let's close that bastardo down the same way we slammed the door shut on Real Mile High: with a win for the ages.  (Or, like the final journey to Real Mile High, a comeback nobody saw coming.)

I will be watching this one from The Garage up in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.  There's a lot about the journey up to Sioux Falls I love -- not the least of which is getting to see the great friends I'm blessed enough to call family.  But what I most anticipate is the trip to The OT, a bar up there off of 10th Street just east of I-229.  Because The OT not only offers this awesome appetizer known as OT Bites (it's a chicken strip, wrapped with bacon, with a jalapeno inside, and it is wicked good) ... The OT offers something else, I guaran-godd*mn-tee you, I never saw coming.

A drink that I love ... whose primary alcoholic ingredient is gin.

Not only that?

The drink's name?

The Kansas City.

(It's got gin, Sprite, lemon juice, and something else that I can't remember ... but it's a drink with gin in it, that I'll actually consume.  And peoples?  Peepettes?  I'd drink gasoline before drinking gin.  Sh*t, I'd drink room temperature Montezuma tequila again, before I'd touch the best gin known to man.  I hate gin.  It is not my friend in any way, shape or form.  It's The Quaff of alcohols to me.  But you put that Kansas City in front of me?  I'll plow through five of them before an hour is up.)

* Jets: at "Super" Cardinals (Monday October 17, 7:30pm, ESPN).  (scott parks voice) Oh God.  (stevo's dad voice) This is going to be an ass whipping of Biblical proportions.  (stevo voice) I like this as my Week Six "Screw You Pete King" Upset O' The Week.

Week Seven

* Best Game On The Board: Patriots at Steelers (Sunday October 23, 3:25pm, CBS).  This one could be for home field advantage throughout the AFC playoffs.  Buckle up folks -- this one is gonna be good.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: Texans at satan's squad (Monday October 24, 7:30pm, ESPN).  Gee, you think those classless a**holes will welcome Brock Osweiler warmly?  Will remember that he kept the season afloat for the pivotal last six weeks?  Will they remember he gutted out the epic comeback against the Bengals in the final Monday Nighter that saved those people from not only blowing the division, but having to go on the road to Cincinnati to open the playoffs (since the Steelers would have been the five seed, not the six, due to head-to-head victory)?  I'm guessing those people's fans won't remember any of that.  Why?  Because they're all arrogant a**holes, that's why.  There's never been a denver fan worth knowing. 

NEVER forget that -- there has not in the past, in the present, or in your future, been ANY fan of the denver broncos, worth having in your life.  They're all lying pieces of sh*t who’ll lie to your face about anything and everything, every and all chances they get.  NEVER forget that, peoples and peepettes. 

* "Good Times" Game O' The Week: Bucs at 49ers (Sunday October 23, 3:05pm, FOX).  A winnable 49ers home game?  A winnable 49ers home game.

* "ALF" Game O' The Week: “Super” Chargers at Falcons (Sunday October 23, 3:05pm, FOX).  Fewer people might watch this at home, than show up to witness it in person.  This is one sh*ttacular matchup.

* Chiefs: vs Saints (Sunday October 23, noon, FOX).  This is the Chiefs only home game, in a six week stretch.  This also is the only potential Double Header Day of 2016 (the ALCS should be in Game Four, on this day).  Make it happen, Boyz N Blue.  Because Double Header Day is THE greatest sports day imaginable.

* Jets: vs Ravens (Sunday October 23, noon, CBS).  A winnable Jets home game?!?!?!?!  A winnable Jets home game!!!!!!!!

Week Eight

* Best Game On The Board: “Super” Cardinals at Panthers (Sunday October 30, 3:25pm, FOX).  A rematch of the NFC Championship Game.  This shouldn't suck.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: Chiefs at Colts.

* "Good Times" Game O' The Week: Jaguars at Titans (Thursday October 27, 7:25pm, NFLN).  This one is so sh*ttacular?  BOTH NBC and CBS declined the chance to carry it.

* Chiefs: at Colts (Sunday October 30, noon, CBS).  I plan to be in attendance at this game.  I certainly hope and pray it delivers a better outcome, than the last time the Chiefs stepped foot inside Lucas Oil Stadium.  And I really am looking forward to that occurring.

Because our history against the Colts since they fled Baltimore via the Mayflower (Moving Company)?

Is horrific.

The Chiefs have beaten the Colts twice -- twice! -- in the thirty one seasons since they moved to Indianapolis.  They won on Halloween Day 2004 45-35 ... after nearly blowing two separate three touchdown leads.  And they won in Indianapolis in Week Five 2011 ... where they had to overcome a three touchdown deficit to the Curtis Painter led Colts.

The Chiefs have lost to them in every way imaginable.  They've lost on a field goal as time expired (2007 Week Twelve).  They've lost in a game that saw neither team punt (2003 Divisional Playoffs).  They lost a "winner's in / loser's screwed" showdown at home (1996 Week Sixteen).  They lost a playoff game that didn't see the Chiefs gain a first down until forty four minutes had passed (2006 Wild Card Playoffs).  They lost a game when they couldn't make a field goal (1995 Divisional Playoffs).  They lost a playoff game they led by four touchdowns (2013 Wild Card Playoff).  They lost a game to an interim head coach (2012 Week Sixteen).  They lost a game that cost them the division (2013 Week Sixteen).  They lost a season opener in 100 plus degree heat (2000 Week One -- still the hottest regular season game I've ever attended at Arrowhead).

They just always lose to these guys.  And it's time for that to stop.

* Jets: at Browns (Sunday October 30, noon, CBS).  I'm guessing we will not be hearing "Hello Friends" from Jim Nantz to open this one.

Week Nine

* Best Game On The Board: Colts at Packers (Sunday November 6, 3:25pm, CBS).  It's a bad week folks -- four playoff teams from 2015 (Patriots, Bengals, "Super" Cardinals, Texans) face an opponent that only "Sur" William Callahan could lose to: bye.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: satan's squad at raiders (Sunday November 6, 7:25pm, NBC).  A game in oakland between satan's squad and ... whatever the subordinate to satan is -- the antichrist?  Anyways, a game in oakland between two forces of pure rot gut evil?  Staged not even 36 hours before the polls open on the East Coast?  Consider this your friendly reminder, that if terrorists hit this game, it is not a national tragedy.  It is a cause for national celebration.

* "Good Times" Game O' The Week: Falcons at Bucs (Thursday November 3, 7:25pm, NFLN).  Another "thanks but no thanks" matchup to the folks at CBS and NBC.

* "ALF" Game O' The Week: Titans at “Super” Chargers (Sunday November 6, 3:25pm, CBS).  Given that this one kicks off less than 48 hours before the polls open in San Diego?  It might behoove the “Super” Chargers to win this one.  Lest the good folks of San Diego pass on taxing themselves for a new stadium.

* "Webster" Game O' The Week: Bills at Seahawks (Monday November 7, 7:25pm ESPN).  Folks?  You have no excuse to not bone up on every candidate that will appear on your ballot November 8th.  The NFL is giving you a 42-3 ass whipping the night before.

* Chiefs: vs Jaguars (Sunday November 6, noon, CBS).  If the Colts don't rebound, and if the Jags are the rising force I believe them to be, I could absolutely see a second 3:25pm kickoff at Arrowhead this fall -- this one.

And that's what I'm looking forward to for this one, is the rising tide that is the Jacksonville Jaguars.  I think the Jags are going to be a force for the rest of the decade.  (Especially in that division; I'm not sold on Brock Osweiler at all, and the Titans are an utter disaster.)  Blake Bortles is the real thing.  Allen Robinson is a joy to watch.  And that defense is going to be (my buddy bunch voice) stacked.

This is the matchup at Arrowhead this fall, way too many Chiefs fans are taking for granted.  This will not be an easy contest.

* Jets: at Dolphins (Sunday November 6, noon, CBS).  As Tim Russert so famously noted sixteen years ago?  Florida.  The Jets must win this game, if the postseason is in their plans.  You have to beat the weakest team in the division on the road, period.  And Miami is by far and away, the least of the AFC East.

Week Ten

* Best Game On The Board: Seahawks at Patriots (Sunday November 13, 7:25pm, NBC).  A rematch of an epic Super Bowl.  Two elite squads coached by two damned good coaches.  I'll be tuned in.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: Vikings at Redskins (Sunday November 13, noon, FOX).  A battle of two shocking division champions from a year ago, who both figure to be in the mix to repeat as champions in 2016.

* "Good Times" Game O' The Week: Browns at Ravens (Thursday November 10, 7:25pm, NFLN).  This is just awful.

* "ALF" Game O' The Week: Dolphins at “Super” Chargers (Sunday November 13, 3:05pm, CBS).  Don't just hide the women and children from this one -- deadbolt lock them in safety.

* Chiefs: at Panthers (Sunday November 13, noon, CBS).  The truest measuring stick the 2016 Chiefs will face.  A roadie to the defending NFC champions. 

* Jets: vs Rams (Sunday November 13, noon, FOX).  Hackenberg!  Goff!  Albert!  "Moose" Johnston!  Only ... on FOX!

Week Eleven

* Best Game On The Board: Packers at Redskins (Sunday November 20, 7:25pm, NBC).  A rematch of a horrific Wild Card game from last season.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: Texans vs raiders (Monday November 21, 7:30pm, ESPN).  This is a sneaky good matchup that might determine a wildcard berth, if not two different divisions.  I'll be tuned in.

* "Good Times" Game O' The Week: Dolphins at Rams (Sunday November 20, 3:05pm, FOX.  Gimme a U!  (U!)  Gimme a G!  (G!)  Gimme a L!  (L!)  Gimme a Y!  (Y!)  What does that spell?  (vice president biden voice) A three letter word Stevo -- ugly!  U G L Y ugly!

* Chiefs: vs Bucs (Sunday November 20, noon, FOX).  I'm actually kind of looking forward to seeing Jameis Winston.  Because as Chiefs fans, we've been blessed to catch a lot of the solid young quarterbacks at the beginning of their rise.

We saw Cam Newton in his second season (albeit in the aftermath of the darkest day in franchise history), and not even three weeks later we got to witness Andrew Luck clinch a playoff berth in his rookie debut at Arrowhead.  We got Aaron Rodgers in his fourth year at the helm (and as the Packers were 13-0), and sprung a gigantic upset that temporarily somehow, someway, put the 2011 Chiefs in complete and total control of their playoff destiny ... at 6-8.  (And in true Coach Baffoon fashion, the Chiefs promptly gagged at home against the raiders, to cost them the postseason.)  We got Matt Ryan to open his second season (the Falcons -- in a definite preview of the 2012 season to come -- blew the Chiefs out of the building).  We got phyllis rivers in his first season (2006, a 30-27 upset for the ages), and Jay Cutler in his first season at the helm (a defeat to denver that all but ended the 2007 campaign).

We saw Russell Wilson in 2014 (a hard fought Chiefs victory), and derek carr as well (a decisive Chiefs victory).

In 2016?  We'll see Blake Bortles, we'll see Marcus Mariota, and we'll see Famous Jameis.  Circle me giddy with excitement, Bert.  Circle me giddy with excitement.

* Jets: bye.  (Stevo checking the coaching roster to ensure "Sur" William Callahan is no longer there ...)  Whew.  Ol' Willy is in Dallas now.  Thank God.

Week Twelve

* Best Game On The Board: Patriots at Jets.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: Panthers at raiders (Sunday November 27, 3:25pm, CBS).  This is gonna be fun -- and the stiffest test Jack "Of The River"'s **** team will face this season.

* "Good Times" Game O' The Week: 49ers at Dolphins (Sunday November 27, noon, FOX).  The Dolphins are gonna have to use ABA style attendance counting, to get to 30,000.

* "ALF" Game O' The Week: Titans at Bears (Sunday November 27, noon, CBS).  A comfortable Bears home win?  A comfortable Bears home win.

* Chiefs: at satan's squad (Sunday November 27, 3:25pm, CBS).  There's really only one question to be asked here.  Will it be paxton lynch time, by the time the Chiefs travel to fake mile high, and try to win a second straight inside the eighth layer of hell itself for the first time since Al Gore was addicted to the word "lockbox"?

Because frankly Chiefs fans, I'm frightened.  Paxton Lynch is the best quarterback in this draft.  Those people now possess him.  When you realize that the WORST starting quarterback denver has fielded in the last twenty years (and I'd argue that is timothy r. tebow) still won them a division and a playoff game?  This is not a positive development.  Not positive at all.

* Jets: vs Patriots (Sunday November 27, 7:25pm, NBC).  For some reason, the Jets always beat the Patriots at the Fake Meadowlands.  Well, save for The Butt Fumble game.  But the sanchize is those people's problem now, not my 1B's people.

(****: yes, he is the raiders head coach.  Yes, he is the former defensive coordinator for those people.  But come on.  Jack "Of The River" deserves to have his name capitalized.  If only because he genuinely believed Chiefs Hall of Famer Otis Taylor was a replacement player.  Jack?  Ol' buddy, ol' pal, ol' roy?  Next time?  Leave the man's pickup truck alone.)

Week Thirteen

* Best Game On The Board: Colts at Jets.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: satan's squad at Jaguars (Sunday December 4, noon, CBS).  If the Jaguars are who I think they are, they win this game.  Somehow, someway, they win this game.  If they are who I think they are.

* "Good Times" Game O' The Week: 49ers at Bears (Sunday December 4, noon, FOX).  Screw "o' the week".  This might be the "Good Times" Game O' The Year!  (Pause).  Your six recommended episodes for this one?

Open with the season three episode that introduces Sweet Daddy Williams for the first time, then pull up the four-part season six opener "Florida's Homecoming", before a viewer’s choice: either the season six episode where Keith battles alcoholism, or the series finale "The End of the Rainbow", which is when you realize, beyond the shadow of any doubt, that if Esther Rolle and Michael Strahan had ever hooked up?  Their kid would have front teeth, you could drive an eighteen wheeler through.  Sideways.

* "ALF" Game O' The Week: Bucs at “Super” Chargers (Sunday December 4, 3:05pm, FOX).  Brutal.  Just brutal.

* "Webster" Game O' The Week: Lions at Saints (Sunday December 4, noon, FOX).  This was really a playoff matchup a few short years ago?

* Chiefs: at Falcons (Sunday December 4, noon, CBS).  This is the roadie I'd love to take, but am not sure I can pull off.  Because who doesn't love a good road trip?

The best Chiefs roadie I've ever been on was probably the Cowboys trip in 2005.  There were over thirty of us who make the trip down.  We literally occupied a wing of the Hampton Inn on Walnut Hill and Stemmons.  One of the largest tailgates I've ever been a part of.  Got to not only watch Paul Pierce in person, but watched that Celtics / Mavs game sitting behind Devin Harris' parents.  Succesfully broke into Gerald Ford Stadium on the SMU campus, unsuccessfully tried to break into the Cotton Bowl in Fair Park.  Got to eat birthday cake on the casino floor to celebrate the 19th birthday / anniversary of the Chocktaw Nation Casino, Resort, Entertainment Complex, and RV Park.  (Try saying that one five times fast.)

And oh yeah -- witnessed one of the most crushing Chiefs defeats I've ever been to, as the Chiefs blew a 28-24 lead with :16 to play, on a 4th and goal touchdown pass to Jason Witten.  Somehow, someway, the Chiefs managed to get into range in fifteen seconds to try a 42 yard field goal as time expired.  No good.  Cowboys 31, Chiefs 28, in a defeat that cost the ten win Chiefs a playoff berth.  Why, you ask, does that matter eleven years later?  Why, you ask, does NOT being the last team in the field haunt me in my dreams?

Because the AFC six seed that year, your (because God knows they aren't mine) Pittsburgh Steelers?

Won the Lombardi.

* Jets: vs Colts (Monday December 5, 7:30pm, ESPN).  This one could (should?) have gigantic playoff ramifications.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh.  That?  Yeah, I'm saving that for the Week Fourteen portion of these prepared remarks, Ms. Stevo's Site Numero Dos' Non-Existent Editor Dudette.  (dan rather voice) Courage.

Week Fourteen

* Best Game On The Board: Seahawks at Packers (Sunday December 11, 3:25pm, FOX).  Should have huge wildcard ramifications, at least.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: Steelers at Bills (Sunday December 11, noon, CBS).  Both squads figure to be in the heart of the playoff picture with four weeks to play.

* “Good Times” Game O’ The Week: satan’s squad at Titans (Sunday December 11, noon, CBS).  Even if those people have a decent season, the Titans won’t.  This should be unwatchable football either way.

* “ALF” Game O’ The Week: Bengals at Browns (Sunday December 11, noon, CBS).  This one should get ugly in a hurry.

* Chiefs: vs raiders (Thursday December 8, 7:25pm, NBC/NFLN).  The raiders in prime time at Arrowhead?  The raiders in prime time at Arrowhead!

But as excited as I am for facing that team in prime time at Arrowhead for the first time since … uuh … hang on, carry the six … for the first time since 1998! … I would really like to question the sanity of the NFL schedule guru or guruette.

Who in their right mind would schedule not one, but two prime time games at Arrowhead in December?  Has the schedule maker ever been to our fine metropolitan area?  It gets cold here in December!

Remember the Browns game last year, Chiefs fans?  Imagine that six hours later, after the sun goes down!  You thought bright sunshine and five degrees was cold, wait until no sunshine and negative two is in play!

OK, now that that b*tch cession is over with … yeah.  I am damned definitely looking forward to hosting our two most hated rivals within three weeks of each other … both in prime time, at Arrowhead.

* Jets: at 49ers (Sunday December 11, 3:05pm, CBS).  I hate to say this … but the 2016 Jets schedule is set up, for a 2015 Chiefs style season.  A brutal opening at 1-4 … spring the upset in the desert … and the only tough games left are against the Patriots.  I can see the Jets opening awful, and somehow be in the playoffs with ten wins, when it’s all said and done.

Week Fifteen

* Best Game On The Board: Jaguars at Texans (Sunday December 18, noon, CBS).  For the record, I think Week Fifteen is the only week NBC will even have to think about flexing the Sunday nighter … and this is the game I could see replacing Steelers at Bengals.  This should be for the AFC South championship.  Should be fun.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: Patriots at satan’s squad (Sunday December 18, 3:25pm, CBS).  For the first time in his career, Thomas Brady will not face satan manning.  But he might get another crack at the sanchize.  Hide the women, children, and easily terrified puppies; this one might be an ass kicking the likes of which those people haven’t suffered since … well, since the Chiefs tore them a new one last November.

* “Good Times” Game O’ The Week: Browns at Bills (Sunday December 18, noon, CBS).  Wow.  This is one awful game on paper.

* “ALF” Game O’ The Week: 49ers at Falcons (Sunday December 18, 3:05pm, FOX).  FOX has really slim pickings this week – two of their usual slate of NFC games are in prime time.  Hence this dud landing in the late afternoon slot.  (CBS has the national slot with Pats / those people.)

* Chiefs: vs Titans (Sunday December 18, noon, CBS).  I hope for any Titans fans reading this, that Marcus Mariota doesn’t suffer the same end to his promising young career, that we handed Ryan Leaf back in Week Three 1998.  (Lest you forget, Mr. Leaf opened 2-0 his rookie year.  Then he came to Terrorhead.  He never recovered from that day.)

What I most look forward to in this one, is a comfortable win at home in December.  The Chiefs need the breather.  Coming off a trip to those people, a short week for the raiders, and the looming Game O’ The Season the following week, they need a let up.  Let’s all hope and pray this is it.  Let’s all hope and pray the Ol’ Billy Maas “if we put our helmets on, we win” rule applies for this one.

* Jets: vs Dolphins (Saturday December 17, 7:25pm, NFLN).  Are you serious, NFL?  Three games in twelve days?  Are you f*cking serious?  Who did the Jets piss off in the league office, to open with 6 of 9 on the road (6 out of 8 after the opener), and then they have three games in twelve days (12/5 vs Colts, 12/11 at 49ers, 12/17 vs Dolphins) with a cross country trip mixed in on a short week?  And two prime time home games, in December, in the Fake Meadowlands?  Jesus, like watching this team isn’t bad enough most years, now we have to do it in the bitter cold of the swamps of North Jersey?  Outrageous.

Next up … (Pause).  Oh boy.  We’re here …

Week Sixteen

* Best Game On The Board: Vikings at Packers (Saturday December 24, noon, FOX).  Should be for the NFC Norris.

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: (stevo sighing in disgust voice) Take a mother f*cking guess.

* “Good Times” Game O’ The Week: “Super” Chargers at Browns (Saturday December 24, noon, CBS).  Unwatchable.

* Chiefs: vs satan’s squad (Sunday December 25, 7:25pm, NBC).  For the fourth straight year, the Chiefs and donkeys face off in prime time.  For the third time in a row, that game is at Terrorhead. 

And yes, on Christmas Night, it will be more than Arrowhead.  In the words of Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Color Commentator (Emeritus), the legendary Dan Dierdorf: “what a wild scene this is!”

(That one comes from what is undeniably THE greatest Monday Night game of all time, Jets epic comeback against the Dolphins in 2000 be damned.  Chiefs 31, those people 28, in the greatest game Real Mile High ever staged.  (Pause).  I should also note, that when the state comes to commit me to Two Rivers, that my reaction of Montana to Davis to win this one with 0:03 to play, will be State’s Exhibit One against me.  I literally sprinted down the fourteen steps of my folks house, ran out into the cul-de-sac, and broke down screaming, crying, fist pumping, jumping, shouting “yes!  Hell yes!  F*ck you denver!  F*ck you elway!” over and over and over again. 

(Yup, this answers the “when is the first time you ever dropped a “F Bomb” in front of your mommy, Stevo?” question that nobody asked.  Monday October 17, 1994, a little after 11pm CT.  Although technically, since she was not outside per se, it wasn’t in front of her … but you had to be deaf, to not hear me five blocks away, let alone through an open front door.) 

Every celebratory reaction mankind has ever known?  Was coming out of me in that moment.  I have NEVER celebrated a win, like I did that one.  I  not only make no apologies for it … I cannot wait to top it, on Christmas Night 2016.)

Christmas Day is going to be crazy insane.  And for once, that’s a good thing.  Because I cannot wait to dance on that f*cking ceiling when this one is over.  In the words of the legendary Kevin Harlan: “not even Santa Claus can save the denver broncos today!”

(That one comes from Christmas Weekend 1992 – 9-6 denver at 9-6 Kansas City.  Winner makes the playoffs, loser stays home.  This one was DT’s finest hour.  Chiefs 42, donkeys 20.)

As for what I am most anticipating, it’s the tradition that is … noosed donkey.

Every year, the first act of tailgating for the donkeys game (after the setup, duh), is to haul out his new noose, and give someone the high honor and privilege, of lynching him all over again.  Currently he is Cinco Noose Donkey.  He has five separate nooses that he hangs by at every tailgate – and yes, he does hang from each and every one of them.  Come Christmas Day, he becomes Sies Noose Donkey.

I already know who is getting the honor of noosing that bastard up come Christmas Day.  If it wasn’t for the amazing four month period known as “Pool Season”, I’d want December 25th to be tomorrow, I am so damned excited for this day, this night, this game.

To say nothing of this season to come.

* Jets: at Patriots (Saturday December 24, noon, CBS).  Both of my favored teams face their most hated of rivals in Weeks Twelve and Sixteen.  Both host said hated rival in prime time.  I have no complaints.

Week Seventeen

* Best Game On The Board: any and all of them that have playoff implications. 

* Game I Am Most Anticipating: any and all of them that have playoff implications.

(Note: there are no “Good Times”, “ALF”, “Webster”, “Sanford and Son” or “One Day At A Time” Games O’ The Week in Week Seventeen.  Every game matters.  Even the worst of the worst?  It’s your last chance to catch that squad for nine months.  In the words of Brantley Gilbert: “live it up!”)

* Chiefs: at “Super” Chargers (Sunday January 1, 3:25pm, CBS).  Thank you schedule Gods, for giving us a Left Coast game on New Year’s Day.  This guy can’t rise and shine at 6am after a day filled with drinking like he used to be able to.

What I look forward to the most, is that I think this game will be meaningless to the Chiefs.  I think they will have clinched the AFC West title (I think they’ll clinch it Christmas Night against those people).  I think they will be locked into the two seed, with no realistic shot at the one (I think the Patriots will clinch the one seed, by beating Miami at noon).  I just hope and pray this is not the final game The Q will ever stage.  If it is?  I might need to spend New Year’s Eve in the Gaslight District … and somehow, for one last time in my (joe pesci voice) ute, somehow rise and shine after a day of drinking … to start another day of drinking, in the parking lot of Qualcomm.

Pass the referendum when it’s put on the ballot, San Diego.  Keep your team exactly where it is.  It took us a couple tries here in Kansas City (and it took Jackson County going it alone) to upgrade the Sports Complex and lock the Royals and Chiefs in through 2032.  Everything in life worth having?  Has a cost attached to it.  Keeping the “Super” Chargers in San Diego?  Should be a “damn the cost, I’m paying it” proposition.

* Jets: vs Bills (Sunday January 1, noon, CBS).  I believe the Jets will be 9-6 entering this game, having won 8 of 9.  I believe this game will help determine the six seed in the AFC.  (For the record, four months out, I believe the division winners will be (in seed order) Patriots, Chiefs, Jaguars, Ravens.  I believe the raiders will be the five seed / top wildcard.  I believe one of four teams will be the six seed at 10-6: Jets, Bills, Steelers, satan’s squad – listed in order of likelihood of acquiring said six seed  All four of those squads will win at least nine.  It’s who gets to ten with tiebreakers in place, that will get rolled in Jacksonville, on Wild Card Weekend.)

The last time both the Jets and Chiefs reached the playoffs?  2010.  The Jets stunned Indy in Indy, shocked the sh*t out of the Patriots in Foxboro, before falling by five in Pittsburgh.  (The Chiefs led 7-0 over Baltimore … and then gave up 30 unanswered, in the high point of the Coach Asshat era.)

The last time before that?  2006.  The Chiefs got stomped in Indy; the Jets got stomped in Foxboro.

The last time before that?  1991.  The Chiefs won the first playoff game ever staged at Arrowhead (beating the raiders 10-6 on my birthday weekend) before getting taken to the woodshed in Buffalo; the Jets failed to show up in Houston.

The only other time in my lifetime they’ve both made it?  1986, when they faced each other.  (Jets won easily.)


Only four times in my life, have my two rooting interests, both kept me rooting into January.  Here’s to hoping 2016?  Is the fifth …

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