Friday, May 27, 2016

for the first time since june 18 2014 ...

"Peace?  Is what they tell me.
Love?  Am I unholy?
Lies?  Are what they tell me!

Despise?
You let control me!

The peace is dead --
In my soul?  I have blamed reasons
For my intentions?
Poor!

Yes, I'm the one who --
The only one who --
Would carry on this?
Far ...

Torn, and I am filthy.
Born?  In my own misery.
Stole?  All that you gave me!

Control?
You claimed you'd save me!

The peace is dead --
In my soul?  I have blamed reasons
For my intentions?
Poor!

Yes, I'm the one who --
The only one who! --
Would carry on this?
Far ..."

-- "Torn" by Creed.

--------------------

I spent Monday night watching the “holy sh*t, is that … is that … it is?!?!?!  Wait, what?!?!?!” season finale of “Gotham”, intending then to get some sleep after being up well past midnight for the previous three nights *.  

Instead, as I am known to do, I cracked open a bottle of shiraz, did some email, did some reading, and checked in on a few things regarding this site (like traffic figures, interesting ideas to incorporate into the page from Blogger, etc).

I also perused through some of my favorite posts I’ve, uuh, posted.  Some of which I’d totally forgotten were out there.

And at some point – and I’m guessing it was between draining bottle uno of the Lil’ Penguin and cracking open bottle dos – I went in search of a specific column.  A column that’s always fun for me to write, and that you all seem to enjoy.  And I noticed … it’s been a while.

As in almost two freaking years, since this column was last spotted on this site.

Peoples and peepettes?  It is time.  (ryan seacrest voice) Dim the lights, cue the mics, because THIS?

Is your first Fake Mailbag ... since June 18, 2014.

Enjoy?

--------------------

(*: I went to a friend's 50th birthday party Saturday night.  Her nephew and I (along with a few others) were still going strong at the Second Parents kitchen island at 5:30 on Sunday morning.  24 Year Old Me is so damned proud of 39 Year Old Me right now ... even if 39 year old me still hasn't recovered, five days later, from that all night bender ...)

--------------------

* “Admit it – it pisses you off that people like Sam Mellinger blatantly stole Twitter Tuesday (now Mellinger Minutes) from your site.  Fake Mailbag always trumps Credible Tweet!” – Eric R, Blue Springs.

Well, considering I stole the Fake Mailbag idea from The Sports Guy, and I’m sure he stole it from someone ... no, it really doesn’t piss me off at all.

Although if he starts stealing my (insert voice here) routine?  Sammy and I are gonna have to have a long, painful conversation.  That’s my (president obama regarding syria voice) red line in the sand, I won’t back down from.

* “Tyler Bray is the number two!  Tyler Bray is our backup QB as of today!  I need something stiff, stat!” – Anthony R, Independence.

Whoa buddy, calm down, ok?  First of all, we’re still two months away from players being allowed to wear pads.  I mean, currently, The Sanchize is listed atop the (hang on, I need some Kitty Dukakis Memorial Rubbing Alcohol ** to chug down, to type this) defending Super Bowl champion’s roster at quarterback.  Anyone who thinks Mark Sanchez is going to start the season opener, raise your hand now.  (Pause).  OK, seriously, Mark, put the hand down – it’s not happening.

Secondly, “Tyler Bray is The Number Two!” might be the single best description of Tyler Bray I’ve ever heard.  He should switch his jersey number with Dusty C.  I’m sure Dusty C could be convinced to part with number two for some cash considerations.  I mean, think of the conversations Tyler Bray wearing Number Two would spark:

(random) whoa, our QB wears number two?
(me) well, it’s what he plays like!
(random) what?
(me) sh*t!  A dump pile even Deffenbaugh can’t sanitize!  Number Two!

Seriously, “Tyler Bray Is Our Number Two” isn’t something to be feared.  It’s something to be celebrated!

(**: it truly frightens the sh*t out of me, that half the people reading this, are too damned young to remember who Michael and Kitty Dukakis were.  Either I'm old ... or I'm old.  Also, I turn 40 two days after the 2016 NFL Regular Season ends.  Just sayin'.)

* “James Hinchcliffe on the pole!  How incredible is this?” – Gus B, Raytown.

About as incredible as the realization that I’ll once again be watching “The Greatest Spectacle In Motorsports” with ya poolside buddy.  (For those unaware, Gus beat Stage IV cancer last spring.  He was given a 5% chance to survive six months.  He’s cancer free 7 months and counting.)

It’s truly sad in a way how far off the landscape open wheel racing has fallen, because this is one of the greatest stories in motorsports history.  Mr. Hinchcliffe nearly died before last year’s 500.  He’s on the pole with the fastest qualifying time in a couple decades this year.  The only thing I can compare it to in terms of modern Indy is my favorite driver of all time, Kenny Brack ***, recovering from this wreck to qualify with the fastest time in the field for the funnest 500 of them all, 2005.

Good for Mr. Hinchcliffe.  Great for his owner, Sam Schmidt, who was paralyzed in a crash 16 years ago.  And great for the IndyCar Series. 

I just hope someone other than me notices.

(***: I really wish I still had the ultimate "yup, it's Stevo" photo: a half-loaded, double fisting me, t-shirt nowhere to be found, all but mauling Mr. Brack, at Kansas in 2004.  I'm not sure who looked more frightened: Mr. Brack ... or Mr. Reason, who snapped the photo.  I was nine sheets to the wind that day, that's for sure.)

* “OK, so you posted your initial thoughts on the Chiefs schedule.  Much appreciated.  But now post what really matters: the tailgates you most anticipate!  I mean, that is the whole damned point, isn’t it?” – Tyler M, Springfield.

The derek carr doppleganger has a point, people.  And a damned good one at that.

So let's do this!

I know I am attending at least 11 of the 20 scheduled contests this year, between preseason and the regular season.  In addition, there are 4 others I have no plans for.  The other 5, I’m highly likely to attend one, can be talked into attending 3, and will be up in Sioux Falls in the Garage for the 5th (which counts as a tailgate for this countdown).

Here we go.

* 17-20: the four I have no plans to attend – at Chicago (preseason); at Los Angeles (preseason); at Pittsburgh (Week Four); at Carolina (Week Ten).

* 16: the most unlikely to attend, but it’s in play – at Atlanta (Week Thirteen).

* 15: the second least unlikely to attend, but it’s in play – at San Diego (Week Seventeen).

* 14: vs Green Bay (preseason).  I’ll probably be there, but my work schedule is going to make this one a nightmare (maureen mcgovern voice) the morning after.  (I cannot take September 2nd off; Day Two is my swamped day during month end.)  

That, and I hate hosting the last preseason game.  The tailgate will suck because everyone will be coming from work; the game will suck because 89.76% of the players on the field are getting fired in the morning.  Thank you NFL, for charging full price for preseason!!!!

* 13: the one I’ll probably be talked into attending – at denver (Week Twelve).  Especially if those people have the same exact season this year, that they had the last time, after they cheated their way to won the Lombardi

* 12: vs Seattle (preseason).  I mean this with all due sincerity: what f*cking idiot scheduled a 3pm kickoff at Arrowhead in the middle of August?  I get that the Olympics are screwing up everyone’s schedule (even the RNC and DNC have moved up a month to avoid them ... and there's something to ponder -- who'd have thunk it'd be my party's convention about to implode into chaos, instead of the elephants?), but with all due respect, who the hell actually watches NFL preseason football?  Even I try to avoid it at all costs, for Christ’s sake!  I once proudly boasted I avoided preseason football for three straight years, for crying out loud!  And I pay for the privilege to be there!

I swear – if this one isn’t 102 and sunny, without a cloud in the sky at kickoff, I’m going to be livid.  If I have to waste one of the last great Saturdays in August at meaningless football, at least let me get a tan and/or ridiculously drunk, as my lovely parting gift.  (Or is that arriving gift?)  

11. vs Tennessee (Week Fifteen).  The consummate trap game.  Sh*ttacular opponent sandwiched between two prime time games at home against the hated divisional rivals.  Throw in 35 and rain/snow/overcast or worse, and this one reeks six months out.  Hope Tom and Nicole stick around for an extra week for this one, and my buddy Andrew can get finals out of the way to head down as well.  Had a blast with y'all the last couple seasons at Titans games.

Or, as my brother would so astutely put it: "why f*ck with what ain't broken?"

10. vs New Orleans (Week Seven).  I literally know one Saints fan.  (I work with her; she’s coming to this one).  That’s all I’ve got.  Although the menu potential for this one has me salivating.  I love me some gumbo with a hurricane or five!

9. at Indianapolis (Week Eight).  It’s either going to be epic, or horrific.  There’s no in between with a Colts tailgate in Indy.  It all depends on what lot you get.  We scored big time three years ago for the Wild Card debacle, landing in the Mix 93 lot.  I’m counting on you "derek carr" ****, to come through again with the party lot reservation.  (Because being a professional DJ has to be good for something other than getting laid, right?)

(And here's Part Two of the single most amazing ... and vomit-inducing ... professional sporting event, I have ever attended.)

8. vs Tampa Bay (Week Eleven).  Kind of a “blah” tailgate five months out.  Nothing really stands out; nothing really excites you yet.  Other than if Anthony gets into the MD 20/20 again, and imitates Jameis Winston standing on top of a table in a FSU cafeteria.  Then things might get lively!

7. vs Jaguars (Week Nine).  First time these two have faced each other since the inaugural game of the “Fat” Andy era (a 28-2 Chiefs win to open the 2013 season in Jacksonville).  I’m looking forward to this one, believe it or not.  I think the Jags are going to be the “where the hell did they come from?!?!?!” breakthrough team in the AFC this year.

6. at raiders (Week Six).  No, I will not be in oakland.  I actually want to live to see 40, and I figure if I show up on October 16 at whatever the hell they call that literal sh*thole known as the coliseum these days, I’d fall a couple months shy of that goal.

But I will be in Sioux Falls for this one.  And I’m really looking forward to it.

5. vs raiders (Week Fourteen).  A Thursday nighter.  In December.  Look it, I love my raider friends as much as I hate their team … but for God’s sake, there’s a reason half of them spend November through March in Lake Havasu.  Because December north of the Mason-Dixon line?  Is damned cold!  Let’s all hope and pray for “unseasonably warm temperatures” this December – the Chiefs host three games in an eighteen day stretch, two of them in prime time.  Ugh.

4. vs Chargers (Week One).  It’s the home opener.  It’s the season opener.  For the record, the Chiefs haven’t won on Week One at home since … 2010.  Against?  (norm macdonald voice) You guessed it – Frank Stallone!  Nah, just kidding – since 2010, on “Tuesday Morning Football” against your San Diego “Super” Chargers. 

3. at Texans (Week Two).  One of these days, I’m going to pull a Will Hunting.  I’m going to head south to my adopted home state … and when you all show up on my doorstep looking for me?  I won’t be there anymore.  I’ll be where I need to be.

Maybe this is the year.

If not?  The Chiefs are guaranteed to play barely three miles from my college apartment, sometime during the 2017 regular season.  That’ll be the one, if you’re a betting person, to wager the family farm, on me not returning from.

2. vs Jets (Week Three).  The last great day of Summer 2016.  A 3:25pm kickoff.  The two teams I am irrationally and totally in love with in this sport.  This is going to be one great day, start to finish.

1. vs denver (Week Sixteen).  True story: when the schedule was released, I was getting ready to call my mom to drop the “hey, I finally have a valid excuse to avoid the horror show known as Family Christmas!” one-liner I haven't been able to successfully use since the 2010 season … when my phone rang.

I won’t repeat what my mom said … but a word came out of her mouth, I’ve never heard her drop before, in any conversation with her, to describe what she wants the Chiefs to do to the broncos, on Christmas night.

I mean, when even my mommy sees the pure evil those people are …

Of COURSE this is number one!  A new noose for the donkey.  (To answer what I thought was obvious from the schedule post, I plan to let my “Special Little Guy” hang the noose on soon to be Seis Noose Donkey.  That’s a memory an eight year old?  Won’t ever forget.  Plus, I was eight (or close enough to it), when the Chiefs absolutely doing to the donkeys, uuh, what my mommy said she wants us to do to them on Christmas Night, occurred … the game that started this ridiculousness that is my Chiefs fandom.)

I only ask that you please contribute a buck or twenty to the jar when you arrive that will simply be labeled “Stevo’s Bail Bond Fund”.  I have a feeling I might need it this year.

And that … is how I’d rank the season, on the Tailgating O-Meter.

(Pause).

You’re welcome.

(****: first, Tyler really does look like derek carr.  It's truly frightening.  But more scary, is who his brother's girlfriend looks like.  It prompted my favorite tailgating moment from 2015, when "bts" saw Alyssa, and dropped the "holy sh*t, is that (person she looks like)?"  One of those "you had to be there to get it" moments, that I dig so much in life.  And yes, the lovely Alyssa looks so much like (person she looks like), I still do a double and triple take, every time I see her.)

* "You're the other resident "Good Wife" die-hard in the office.  What did you think of the finale?" -- Mary S, Perfect Village.

I hated it ... save for one moment.

I effing loved Diane b*tch slapping the hell out of Alicia, to bring the series to a close.

I love that the cocky, arrogant, thinks her sh*t don't stink heroine of the story, winds up even more pathetic, even more rot-gut evil, than the husband she could never bring herself to leave.

And I love that the one person who always blindly defended her?  The last true friend Alicia had?  Was the one to deliver the b*tch slap dose of reality, right across the left cheek.

The finale as a whole though, was every bit as awful as the painful march to the finish, this season was.

Speaking of women who a lot of people would love to b*tch slap with a violent, uuh, slap ...

* "Not even you can defend Secretary Clinton at this point!  She lied!  She lied, and now everyone knows it!" -- Matt P, Blue Springs.

Well, I already did defend her ... and I stand behind at least 0.01% of that defense from last spring.

But with all seriousness dude, it's not like us Clinton supporters don't know who and what we're backing.  I mean, do I have to haul out the Gregg stating the obvious voice?  I do?  OK, fine.

(mr. voice of reason voice) IT'S THE CLINTONS!

Anyone even remotely surprised that a Clinton would lie, scheme, and do everything short of murder *****, to grab and maintain a hold on the ultimate power in this world?  Clearly doesn't know, who the Clinton's are!

(*****: cough Ron Brown cough.)

* "So are you still voting for her?" -- Brett H, Harrisonville.

Stevo's Site Numero Dos has strongly endorsed Secretary Clinton for the Presidency since at least March 2015.  (Stevo himself has strongly endorsed Secretary Clinton for the Presidency since at least the winter of 2003-2004.)

And if she is the nominee, she has my vote, and I hope she has yours.  I happen to believe Secretary Clinton will make a great President -- even better than her husband, who (at worst) is the second best President of my lifetime ... and (at best) is the second best President of my lifetime.

Having said that, I have been saying since last summer that Joe Biden will be the Democrat nominee for the Presidency, when it's all said and done.  I stand by that crack-pipe prediction.

Which doesn't look so crack-pipey anymore.

Let's liven the mood up a bit, shall we?

* "Billy Dee!  On a Colt 45 can!  Dude!  You SO have to get me one of those!" -- Anthony V, Overland Park.

Consider it done, pal.  Consider it done:



(You gotta love that man.  Image credit: me, via my iPhone 6, at the malt liquor section of the lovely (and Jesus, do I use that term loosely), the lovely Barnyard Liquors, on Wednesday night.)

* "Has any play in Royals history been more damaging, than the non-catch in Chicago on Sunday?  Gordo Nation lost for a month, Moooooooooose! lost for the season, and we didn't even get the damned out!" -- Phil S, Overland Park.

Funny you ask that -- when that play occurred, I was watching the game on the Pool Deck, and when that collision occurred, I immediately freaked out, noting "this is not good".  When both Mr. Gordon and Mr. Moustakas remained in the game afterwards, everyone else watching thought I was insane, and had over-reacted.

Now, six days later?  I'm proven right, as to how costly chasing that one foul ball might be, to the Royals chances to repeat.

Having said that, hell no.  It's not even close to the most damaging play in Royals history!  The most damaging play in Royals history was so damaging?

The Royals themselves didn't even cause it to occur:



* "So did you see what this club in Detroit did this week?" -- Ben C, Charlotte, NC.

Yeah, I saw it.

I thought it was hysterical.

I mean, if you can't laugh at a strip club having a sense of humor, what on earth can you laugh at?

Plus, let's just be frank and honest here: like Detroit offers a better career option, than nude dancer, for its average 18 year old female?

(And we're starting to get close.)

* "What do you make of Mr. Trump accusing President Clinton of being a rapist?" -- Blake P, KCK.

I'm insulted, offended, and disgusted by how low Mr. Trump is willing to sink, to win the Presidency.

And I admire the hell out of him, for doing to the Clinton's, what they're going to do to him.

That, peoples and peepettes, is why I am OK with a Donald J. Trump "House of Wings" nomination.  For the first time in my lifetime, a Republican candidate is going to be as sleazy, dirty, and power-mad hungry, as the Democrat candidate.  It's high damned time the far right, starts hurling baseless and classless insults and accusations, back at the far left.

Because for the first time in my lifetime?  Noone can question if the Republican nominee has a pair, and if he's capable of using them.

Also, you have to love that our next President, is either:

* promising to fix the economy, despite suffering four personal bankruptcies, and bankrupting the only credible challenge the NFL has ever faced (Mr. Trump)

going to be indicted and need a Presidential Pardon an hour before taking the oath of office, to take said oath of office ... or is going to have 2/3rds of the nation convinced, everything about the FBI and the Justice Department is corrupt, bought, and bribed (Mrs. Clinton)

* a semi-senile socialist who spent his honeymoon in the gangsta's paradise known as the former Soviet Union (Mr. Sanders)

a plagarist who told a quadrapalegic to "Stand Up Chuck", told an Indian American that you can't enter a 7-11 anymore without speaking Indian, and believes that "jobs" is a three letter word.  To say nothing of believing that Franklin D. Roosevelt took to the television airwaves, during the Stock Market Crash of 1929 ******, to calm the nation (Mr. Biden).

What a nation we live in!

(Also ... we're getting closer.)

(******: FDR was not President during the Stock Market Crash of 1929; Herbert Hoover was.  And television was still twenty years away, from invention, at the time of said Stock Market Crash.  Say what you want to about Vice President Biden, the truth is, if he was a Republican?  He'd have been laughed out of office 28 years ago.  As a Democrat?  He's just "Joe Being Joe".  Jesus, I despise the double standard, the allegedly unbiased national media employs on a daily basis.)

* “Really?  You picked Creed as the post’s theme?  I’d ask if you’ve lost your f*cking mind, but you never had one to lose!” – Brent S, Incorporated Johnson County.

OK, first of all, I’ve been on a 90's kick lately.  Maybe it’s because I’m staring 40 in the face in a little over six months; maybe it’s looking at the regrets of life I have versus the successes, and realizing, (vice president biden voice) I’m a failure!  I’m a hell of a failure!

But – but! – I would argue, “My Own Prison” is not only a CD that holds up incredibly well twenty years later … but it’s the most underrated CD of the mid to late 1990s grunge / rock scene.

(Pause).

What?

(Pause).

We do?  OK, then, send it through, Ms. Stevo's Site Numero Dos Non-Existent Editor Dudette!  Peoples and peepettes?  We have a rush “must read now” fake email from … my brother?!?!?!?!

* “Bullsh*t!  Absolute bullsh*t!  “My Own Prison” couldn’t piss in a stall if it was standing next to “Sixteen Stone”!  It’d be too frightened to whiz!  “Sixteen Stone” is the best, and you f*cking know it!  Especially since you stole my copy from me!” – Drew K, Shawnee.

Well, I bought that copy for you, so really, I just took it back … but yeah, I probably should replace that puppy after twenty some odd years.

Still … hmmm.

(Pause).

Yeah, it’s time.

Let's close this puppy down, the best way imaginable.

(good ol’ jr voice) Good God!  Good God Almighty!  That’s … that’s the “Tale O’ The Tape’s” music!

In this corner?  Weighing in from 1995, fronted by the former Mr. Gwen Stefani, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, from England, Bush and their epic effort “Sixteen Stone”!!!!!!!

(wild applause!!!!!!!)

And in this corner?  Weighing in from 1997, fronted by the biggest tool to emerge from the 1990s, ladies and gentlemen, from Florida, Creed and their breakthrough effort “My Own Prison”!!!!!!!!

(cue at least Kid Rock applauding politely.)

This week’s Tale O’ The Tape?  Which of these CD’s is better, in my opinion, twenty years later?

Here we go!  Two Contestants.  Three possible outcomes.  Only one winner.

(dana wright voice) Let’s do this!

* Question One: At least one of the songs off this cd, is guaranteed to be in Mixology, no matter what.

Bush: yes (“Machinehead”).
Creed: no.
Winner: Bush.

* Question Two: I so played the hell out of this cd, that when I tried to burn it into my iTunes in the late 2000s, the tracks were unreadable.

Bush: yes.
Creed: yes.
Winner: push.  We are all winners here … especially me.

* Question Three: Did I use a song off this cd, to describe my feelings about the single most “I never believed I’d ever see this day” moment of the last five years – the Royals clinching a playoff berth for the first time in my memorable lifetime.

Bush: no.
Creed: yes (“One”).
Winner: Creed. 

* Question Four: does the CD go a solid five songs deep that I won’t immediately skip, if it pops up in my iTunes or Apple Music playlist of the moment?

Bush: yes (“Machinehead”, “Glycerine”, “Comedown”, “Little Things”, “Everything Zen”).
Creed: yes (“Torn”, “My Own Prison”, “In America”, “What’s This Life For”, “One”).
Winner: Bush.  (Pause).  What?  Bush’s starting five trumps Creed’s!  Albeit barely.

* Question Five: I saw the band perform in support of this cd.

Bush: no.
Creed: yes (at (if I recall correctly) Deep Ellum in December 1997).
Winner: Creed. 

* Question Six: you all are surprised as sh*t that I own this cd.

Bush: nope.
Creed: nope.
Winner: push. 

And so, we’ve arrived, at the Question of Great Significance.  Bush Dos, Creed Dos, Push Dos.  And the final question is …

* Question Seven: the cd contains the song that should be the anthem of my life (which as I have noted many times before, is “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin DeGraw):

Bush: nope.
Creed: yup (“Torn”).

Winner … of the highly coveted, never sought “Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Most Underrated Grunge / Rock CD of the 1990s Twenty Years Later” Award … “My Own Prison” by Creed!!!!

Thanks for playing.

And thanks for reading.

Until next time ...

No comments: