post 910: the first thursday thirteen ...

"The very first time
That I saw your brown eyes?
Your lips said hello,
And I said hi.

I knew right then?
You were the one.

But I was caught up
In physical attraction --
But to my satisfaction?
Baby, you were more than just a phase.

And if I ever
(Ever fall)
In love again?

I will be sure that?
The lady is?
A friend!

And if I ever
(Ever fall)
In love so true?

I will be sure?
That the lady's just?
Like you! ..."

-- "If I Ever Fall in Love" by Shai.

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Thursday, May 31, 2018.

The Thursday Thirteen, Edition Uno!

(Note: I intend to do this every Thursday going forward, usually as a list, if only to serve as a placeholder to note "hey, I'm still here, my liver hasn't pulled a Larry Hagman on me yet!" ... and because believe it or not, this site is less than two months away from turning ten.  Ten!  It's almost old enough to drink, toke, hook-up, and then make the walk of shame (or pride) the morning after!

(Or at least graduate first grade.  Either way, I'm so (not) proud of my little failure that never will!)

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Today's Thursday Thirteen?

The Thirteen Best R&B Songs from the 1990s, according to Stevo.

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(Note: I'm 41, white, single, straight, and grew up in a family well-enough off, that both my parents retired before they turned sixty, and that was twelve years ago.  Let's just say, I am not the genre of today's list's target market.  Also, let's just say I whizzed away the advantages my genes and God above gave me, for a solid five, six ... hell, fifteen years, of my life ...)

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Today's (h/t) list was inspired by my buddy Marques, who listens to this epic stuff next to me all day long.  I gotta admit, half the time?  I just mute my iPhone and listen to what's coming off of his.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Yeah, I'd cede Mixology for a tailgate to him!  Why do you ask?

(Also, I swear, if my high school buddy Bunch worked at "current employer", he'd never leave his desk.  Hell, I'm pushing 25 years out of high school, and I don't leave my desk listening to this stuff ...)

--------------------

13. "Baby I'm Yours" by Shai.  They still have another one coming in this list.  (The theme to the post is the "Official Honorable Mention" ... at least until there is another honorable mention a few choices from now.)

(Also, I swear, I used to be semi-cool, kids.  I swear to God, I used to be semi-cool ...)

12. "Knockin' Da Boots" by H-Town.  In the words of the great Joel Meyers: "aah sh*t ..."

11. "Changes" by 2Pac.  Yeah, technically it's rap, but come on.  Any song that gives you the classic line "I made a G today! / But you did it in a sleazy way!" has to be included.  It just has to.

10. "Hit Me Off" by New Edition.  God bless, other than the very first CD I ever bought (an entry off of it is coming up shortly), no CD shaped mid-90s Stevo than the New Edition reunion effort in 1996.  Plus, good God, the talent New Edition sported!  Crazy sick.

(Honorable Mention: "Mr. Telephone Man" by New Edition.  Technically released too early to qualify for this list ... but damn, it's smooth.)

9. "I Don't Wanna Cry" by Mariah Carey.  I'm enough of a man to admit that I played the f*ck out of this song for most of September and October 2004, for strictly personal reasons.

8. "Forever My Lady" by Jodeci.  Full disclosure: "Diary of a Mad Band" is a really, really, really good CD.  I get that their "Unplugged" appearance put them on the map, so to speak ... but I firmly believe "Mad Band" would have done it eventually.

It's also one hell of a fun hook-up soundtrack.  And I mean, one HELL of a fun hook-up soundtrack.  (Pause).  Just sayin'.

7. "My Destiny" by Lionel Richie.  True story: "Back To Front" was the first CD I ever owned.  (Damn, 1993 was a long ass time ago.)  And for quite a while, this song would have ranked as my favorite song of all time.  (As it is, it's still in my top 100 somewhere.)

My way of saying ... it's nowhere close to his best effort * ... but hey, when you're 17, 18 years old, moving 500 miles away to go to school, and need some motivation to believe in yourself?  You can do a lot worse than pulling up this track as you study in the library at 11:30 on a Tuesday night.  Again -- (Pause).  Just sayin'.

(*: greatest.  love.  song.  ever.  Unless you prefer this one.  Or this one.)

6. "How Deep Is Your Love" by Portrait.  I swear to Christ, I thought Take 6 released this ... but per iTunes, it's Portrait.

In the interest of full disclosure, for the possible five or six of you who drunk or stone stumbled onto this site ... welcome!  We share a love for drunken, stoned living!  (Well, in your case, "love", in my case, "addition".  Whatever.)

Having said that, my favorite movie of all time is "Saturday Night Fever", and few -- if any -- songs hit me as righteously as this one does ** .

Which is why the fact a remake of the love theme from that movie finding a warm spot in my heart ... stuns the hell out of me.  This version might be better than the Bee Gees.  (Pause).  Fine -- it is better.

(**: even if said scene is not only the worst scene in motion picture history, ** it completely undoes the entire production of cinema perfection that preceded it so epically, "How I Met Your Mother" is embarrassed for "Fever"'s finale!  And I say that as someone who actually liked the "HIMYM" finale.)

(***: also, I couldn't find the entire final six minutes in English on YouTube!  Probably for the best.)

5. "Humpin' Around" by Bobby Brown.  Like this needs any explanation.

4. "No Diggity" by Blackstreet.  "Play on, playa.  Play on, playa.  (Pause).  Yo Dre -- drop the verse!"

Honestly ... from this point on, I could flip any of these three ... but for me, they're definitely the top three.  In this order.

3. "Anytime" by Brian McKnight.  If 1998 "bts" hasn't creamed his shorts by this point of the post, I've failed epically.  Because 1998 Stevo is struggling to control a bodily function about five spots ago.

Also, this song would still skyrocket to the top of the charts if released today.  It's that damned good.

2. "The Place Where You Belong" by Shai.  Let's just say, Stevo loved him some Shai back in the day.  And I mean LOVED him some Shai, back in the day.

But Numero Uno ... come on.  There's no doubt.  (Pause).  At least for me.  Because as I've argued before, it's the most grousely, criminitely underrated song in modern American music history ...

1. "Can We Talk" by Tevin Campbell.  This might be the perfect music video, and I'm not just saying that for the sake of typing.  "I'm Ready" is so freaking great of a CD.  So, so freaking great ...

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And with that, thanks for reading.  As noted up top, I'll try to do this every Thursday going forward.  I will probably fail, and probably by late June at the latest ... but I'll at least try ...

Until next time?  Let's be careful out there ...

goodbye to the greatest ...

"I found a box of memories.
Read a letter,
Dropped a tear where you signed your name.
And turning the page,
Smearing the ink into love always.

Girl, I always start this way.
And then I end up in a bottle
Screaming out your name.
Punching the walls, 
Carrying on like I've gone insane.

And in the mirror?  I can see
The man who just shook his head
With no remorse,
Watching an angel cry her tears,
Stepping over my beers as you walked out the door.

And there ain't nothing like a memory,
When it's coming on strong like a hurricane.
How can love like that just up and walk away?
Killing me baby.

Got me pouring up another drink,
Bourbon's hitting me hard like a freight train.
With my back against the wall or on my knees?
The worst of your memory
Gets the best of me ..."

-- "The Best of Me" by Brantley Gilbert.

------------------------------------------------------

The sports world lost a giant last week, with the sad passing of legendary broadcaster Pat Summerall.

I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that Pat Summerall was the voice of my generation ... and my parent's generation as well.  Every major NFC game for thirty years?  Summerall had the call.  A lot of the most memorable Super Bowls?  Summerall had the call.  Every meaningful Masters for twenty years, including the greatest one ever staged (1986)?  Summerall.  Hell, the dude even had US Open calls during the glory years* in the late 1980s / early 1990s for men's tennis.  It is safe to say that every meaningful event not staged by Major League Baseball, had Pat Summerall's voice as a part of it.

(*: as the only person I know who loves men's tennis that isn't referred to as "mom", I don't care if you make fun of me or not.  Watch one major match at Arthur Ashe come early September, and you tell me that sport isn't awesome.)

Since I watch far too much sports ... and out of respect for the greatness that was Pat Summerall ... and since with his series of strokes, Dr. Z doesn't do his annual NFL commentator rankings anymore ... here are my 27 favorite announcing teams, both dearly departed and still with us, as well as my five most despised commentating teams.  (One of these teams that I thoroughly despise, will probably surprise you.)

Just as a note up front: if you don't have the NBA League Pass, or have never had it, you won't recognize a solid 5-6 teams on this listing.  In one special case, you truly missed out on greatness.  (That would be numero five on the "Awesome Twenty Seven" portion of this post.)

* The Sh*ttacular Five.

The Honorable Mention: Don Criqui and (pick one) Steve Tasker or Steve Buere"lein King", NFL on NBC / NFL on CBS.  My critique of Criqui and Tasker can be read here.  (Warning: if language offends you, don't click on the link.  I hold nothing back.)  My running diary of a Criqui / Buere"lein King" broadcast can be read by clicking here.  (Not nearly as offensive to the language-sensitive.)

And just in case those two links don't give you proof as to how clueless, aloof, and incompetent Don Criqui is as a broadcaster, neither of those two broadcasts, were his worst "mail it in" effort I've ever watched.  Criqui and Bob Wischusen had a Louisville / Syracuse game at the Dome back in the 2008-2009 season.  Criqui welcomed us to the broadcast "coming to you from Louisville, Kentucky", and then referred to the "Louisville Wildcats and the Syracuse Orangemen!"  Don?  The 'Cuse dropped the "men" part out of their nickname fifteen f*cking years ago, the Carrier Dome is in Syracuse, New York, not Louisville, Kentucky, and I'm pretty sure the Cardinals nickname, is not the Wildcats.  And that was inside the first thirty seconds of the broadcast.  Poor Bob Wischusen (who is the New York Jets play-by-play guy and a damned good basketball announcer too).  He didn't deserve that garbage from his partner.  And frankly, neither did I, and any other fan of college basketball.

5. Tom Hammond and Pat Haden, Notre Dame football.  Good God, was this pairing eight layers of awful.  And it was all because of Haden, who may be the worst color analyst in television history not named "Bob Trumpy" or "Joey Sunshine".  (Don't worry -- we're getting to Ol' Bob and Ol' Joe here momentarily.)  Haden couldn't get the down and distance right, could never figure out how to pronounce Bob Davie's last name, routinely had no clue what the score was.  And he was worse on the old Sunday Night Football package that TNT used to air.  Nothing said "second rate sh*tty throwaway prime time game" like having Pat Haden attached to it.  Let's just all thanks the sports broadcasting gods, that Pat Haden is now employed as USC's athletic director, and no longer struggling to pronounce "Jerome Bettis" or "Lake Dawson".

4. Jim Nantz and Phil Simms, NFL on CBS.  Surprised?  I DESPISE Jim Nantz calling anything other than golf.  And nowhere is his cheezy, fake friendly persona more irritating than when paired with the wooden personality of Phil Simms, a man who seems to think he's God's gift to broadcasting.  You're not Phil.  No, really -- you're not.  You're boring, you're dull, you act like a freaking arrogant ass on the air, and it's annoying as hell.  If there's anything us Chiefs fans should be thankful for over being god awful the last couple years, it's that Nantz and Simms haven't called a game involving the Chiefs since the playoff defeat to the Ravens three years ago.

3. Fred White calling anything, especially Big 8 / Big XII hoops.  Look it, as a Royals fan, I should be "brand loyal", but for God's sake, he referred to Drew Gooden as "Dwight" or "Doc" all three years he played at Kansas.  Nothing said "Big 8 / Big XII game that no credible network wants to air" like seeing Frank White attached to the broadcast.  Excuse me -- Fred.  Fred Black.  No, wait -- Frank Blue. 

2. Dick Enberg and Bob Trumpy, NFL on NBC.  If you never had to suffer through Bob Trumpy "broadcasting" a game, or don't remember any of his less-than-memorable calls, you are a very lucky reader.  Jesus, Trumpy was so awful, I once threw a glass at the TV, as my mom was sitting there next to me, and even my mom -- not exactly the biggest football fan you'll find -- even my mom responded with "wait, isn't Joe Montana out hurt today?  Isn't that Sonny Bono starting today for us?"  Yes, mom -- Sonny Bono started for us.  For God's sake, if you're so damned stupid you can't tell Joe Montana apart from Steve Bono, you have no business being in a broadcast booth.  Which probably explains why NBC fired Trumpy after the 1994 season, and replaced him with Phil Simms and Paul Maguire.  (Pause).  Well, one out of two ain't bad.

1. Mike Patrick, Paul Maguire, and Joey "Sunshine" Theismann, Sunday Night Football on ESPN.  If you never suffered through this threesome, count your blessings.  Put it this way: when The Sports Guy manages to mock Pat Morita's passing by using your broadcasting techniques?  (It's the fourth question.)  You are three awful, awful announcers.

(But you're still using the Theismann Rating Scale for every movie and cd released that you review, right?)  Hell yes I am.

* The Awesome Twenty Seven.

27. Brad Nessler, Bob Griese, and Paul Maguire, College Football on ABC/ESPN.  These two three usually get the 2:30 Big Ten (plus four) game, and do a phenomenal job.  Nessler is, in my opinion, one of the three or four best broadcasters in the business (he still has at least one more appearance coming up).  Maguire is freaking hysterical to listen to.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love people who can make fun of themselves.  The only reason this pairing is so low is due to Bob Griese's presence.  He's atrocious.  But Nessler and Maguire are so excellent, they at least merit a mention.

26. Joel Meyers and Stu Lantz, LA Lakers basketball.  Meyers has since moved on to handling play-by-play duties with the New Orleans (soon to be) Pelicans, and does a great job with David Wesley.  But he gets this mention for one reason, and one reason only: a game he covered at the Key Arena between the Lakers and Sonics back in 2005.  For some reason that night, the Lakers broadcast didn't go to commercial when the play on the court stopped; you got an inside look instead at what announcers do while off the air. 

So there's a stoppage of play, and the camera pans to this extremely attractive blonde chick, who had some assets and wasn't afraid to flaunt them.  The camera stays on her, and then out of nowhere you hear "aww sh*t", said in the most sleazy, dirty old man voice imaginable.  Then Stu Lantz chimes in with an extremely distasteful, off-color joke about a sex act he'd like to perform on this chick, and Meyers and Lantz both lose it.  They finally come back live, and I sh*t you not, the camera dude or dudette then focuses on a little 6, 7 year old kid eating cotton candy, and Meyers chimes in with a "aww, isn't that nice", and Lantz replies with something about how great that moment is.  One minute, they're talking about how they want to go down on an attractive blonde, the next, they're praising a kid eating cotton candy.  I don't know what that says about me, but I could not stop laughing.  And I wasn't the only one watching that night, that lost it as well.  "Aww sh*t".  Daddy likey!

25. Brad Sham and Dale Hansen, Dallas Cowboys radio broadcast.  If you live in Dallas, you know who Dale Hansen is, and odds are, you love the guy.  (I know I do).  You also know Dale Hansen hates -- with a passion -- Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.  It made for really interesting radio back in the day.  (Mr. Jones fired Mr. Hansen during the 1996 season, and let's just say, Mr. Hansen still isn't over his poop-canning.)  Mr. Sham also handles the radio call for the Final Four, and has broadcast various other basketball games, as well as being the former lead announcer for the Monday Night Football radio broadcast.  Mr. Hansen is still the lead sports anchor at WFAA, and is best known as the man who brought down SMU Football with his investigative work.

The man Mr. Hansen replaced as WFAA's lead sports broadcaster?  Who else? Verne!

24. Verne Lundquist and Scott Hamilton, figure skating.  Sadly, this duo is no longer paired up, since CBS hasn't broadcast a Winter Olympiad since 1998.  But man, were these two awesome together.  They were so good, so well loved, that they made a cameo as themselves on a classic episode of "Roseanne", where they are calling the "sock skating on linoleum" finals from the Conner's kitchen.  (Their scene is in the closing credits of the episode linked ... but any scene with Roseanne and Jackie in the supermarket, is laugh out loud hysterical, especially their epic meltdown near the end of the episode.  Well worth a click.)

23. Ian Eagle and Dan Fouts, NFL on CBS.  I love, love, love Ian Eagle (who is also the Brooklyn Nets play-by-play announcer).  And I love, love, love Dan Fouts, dating back to when ABC put him in the Monday Night Football booth for two years.  Two rock solid pros that always present an enjoyable broadcast.  You can tell these two are friends outside the booth, and their chemistry is beyond entertaining to watch.  Yo, Les Moonves?  You wanna promote these guys to your top team, I can think of at least one NFL fan who'd be beyond ecstatic.

22. Mike Patrick and Todd Blackledge, College Football on ABC/ESPN.  Mr. Blackledge has developed into one of the best analysts in the sport.  Mr. Patrick is a total wildcard -- one week, he's on top of his game; the next, he's wondering out loud, prompted by nothing, how Britney Spears is doing at that moment in time.  Either way, he's beyond entertaining and enjoyable, and he has at least one more appearance upcoming.

21. Paul Page, Scott Goodyear, and Eddie Cheever, Indy Racing League.  I love Mr. Cheever, who as a driver / owner, once not only called his fellow teammate an "assh*le" live on the air after his teammate caused a wreck that took out their two cars, but he also fired that driver, live, on air.  The driver?  You guessed it -- Frank Stallone!  Nah, just kidding -- Tomas "Crash" Scheckter.  Mr. Goodyear is the best color analyst in motorsports.  And Paul Page?  Well ... he's lovable.  Clueless, incompetent, inept, talentless, and utterly and totally unaware for 92.4% of the race what the hell is going on ... but lovable.  Sadly, this team was downgraded on the comedy scale when Mr. Page was demoted, and Marty Reid promoted, to the lead analyst's chair.  This is not the only IRL broadcasting team, that will be appearing in my rankings.

20. Joe Buck and Troy Aikman, NFL on FOX.  A solid broadcasting team that usually turns in a solid, professional effort every week.  Mr. Buck is better calling baseball (and will still appear for his work in a few more spots).  Mr. Aikman is improving every year.  These guys grow on you.

19. Mike Joy, Larry McReynolds, and Michael Darrell Waltrip, NASCAR on FOX.  Hard to believe this is their 13th season paired together ... and it's damned near impossible to pick a single criticism of any of them.  Combined with Chris Myers and Jeff Hammond in the Hollywood Hotel, this broadcasting crew is as good as it gets.

18. Frank Gifford, Al Michaels, and Dan Dierdorf, Monday Night Football.  Frank, Al, and Dan.  Had a nice ring to it back then.  Still has a nice ring to it, even if "it" hasn't happened since 1997.  Lord, do I miss this threesome.  Frank Gifford -- clueless, inept, aloof, ten years past his has-been, thirty years past his prime, still there on your screen every week, like the drunk party guest who doesn't realize it's 2am, and all you want to do is go to sleep and be done with the evening.  Al, trying to keep this three ring circus from drawing multi-thousand dollar FCC fines.  And Dan.  Oh man did (do!) I love Dan Dierdorf, openly rooting for the Chiefs in the booth.  Not "favoring" -- openly rooting. 

In just a six year span, you got these gems out of Dierdorf, showing how much he loved (loves?) the Chiefs.  Here are eight quotes from Chiefs games spanning 1991 to 1997.  You tell me which of the eight, did not come out of Dierdorf's mouth:

* "I have never been inside a finer facility" -- welcoming us to Arrowhead, October 7, 1991, for my favorite game in Chiefs history.

* "The drive in, the smell of the smoke and the barbeque coming from the parking lot, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven" -- from October 7, 1991.

* "How's it feel, john!" -- from the Greatest Monday Night Game ever played, at denver, week 6 1994, as john elway stood powerless and helpless on the sideline, watching Joe Montana willing the Chiefs to victory.

* "Lord, you can take me now, I have seen it all!!!" -- from the Greatest Monday Night Game ever played, at denver, week 6 1994, after Joe Montana found Willie Davis for the game winning score with :08 remaining.

* "Aw.  Poor Wade.  He did everything ... but win!" -- from the Greatest Monday Night Game ever played, at denver, week 6 1994, as a discombobulated and stunned Wade "Son of Bum" Phillips was shown on the sideline.

* "How (could they not rule that a catch)?  You can't even tell the definition of the sideline (from up here)!" -- at oakland, week 2 1997, on the Chiefs final drive.

* "I wonder how al (davis) feels about that!" -- week 10 1997, after Marcus Allen threw a touchdown to secure a victory over the Steelers.

* "(Joe) Bugle is apoplectic.  (Camera pans to Carl Peterson)  There's the president of the Chiefs.  (Camera pans to al davis)  And Andre Rison has just about burned al davis' house down, if you know what I mean" -- week 2 1997, after Andre Rison caught a 33 yard bomb as time expired to beat the raiders 28-27.

The answer?  The last one.  Al Michaels said that.  But Dierdorf's comeback was priceless.  (pure sarcasm voice) "Unfortunately, we do!"

17. Mike Breen, Jeff Van Gundy, and Mark Jackson, NBA on ABC / ESPN.  Mr.'s Breen and Van Gundy are still the lead NBA announcing crew, but they were so much better with Mark Jackson.  I miss that guy.

16. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, MLB on FOX.  I like Mr. Buck, as mentioned earlier.  I'm probably the only person in America who feels this way, but I actually like Tim McCarver too.  He'll be missed once he retires after this season.  Unlike Billy "Fudge" Packer, whose retirement set off wild mass celebrations amongst every mass of college basketball fans.

15a. Mike Breen, Kenny Smith, and Al Trautwig, along with

15b. Gus Johnson, Walt "Clyde" Frazier, and Al Trautwig, New York Knicks on MSG / YES.

It sucks that these two all star rotations are no longer calling Knicks games.  It also sucks that I shut down Stevo's Site Numero Uno, and lost my running commentaries of Knicks broadcasts during the 2007-2008 season.  (Also known as "the season James Dolan gave Isiah Thomas total control of the franchise".  Yeah, that didn't work out well.)  Those things were comedic gold; they wrote themselves.  Every night, poor Al Trautwig would welcome us to more misery at the Garden.  He'd spend 20 minutes setting the mood, before finally interviewing Isiah before introductions.  These things got so ugly, that by midseason, poor Al was interviewing Isiah in pre-taped segments, the fans' anger against Zeke was so pronounced.  And then, you'd have four of the best broadcasters in the sport (one pairing was MSG, one pairing was YES; I don't remember which was which, but I'm 85% certain GuJo was YES, and Breen was MSG) broadcast yet another 103-79 beatdown of the Knicks, in which the entire second half was nothing other than 19,000 plus p*ssed off New Yorkers chanting "Fire Thomas!", "Zeke Sucks!", and other non-family friendly phrases.  (classic sitcom theme song voice) Ain't we lucky we got 'em?  (Na na na na na) Good Times!!!!

14. Brad Nessler and Mike Mayock, NFL Network.  I've already praised Nessler earlier.  I flat out love the guy.  Mr. Mayock has been a godsend, both on NFLN and on Notre Dame football.  You want to know how sh*tty the people he replaced were?  He bumped Joey Sunshine (aka Joe Theismann) and Matt Millen to the curb on NFLN, and the beyond awful Pat Haden on NBC's broadcasts.  On behalf of football fans everywhere, thank you, management at NFLN and NBC Sports!

13. Gary Thorne and Bill Clement, NHL on ESPN.  God, I miss these guys.  There were three things that always let me know, (brantley gilbert voice) back in the day, that summer was rapidly approaching.  (1) Bill McCreary becoming a part of my life for two months.  (2) Gary Thorne and Bill Clement calling a crucial Stars / Avs, Stars / Wings, Wings / Avs game in the Western Finals, and (3) Thorne marvelling in amazement that the ice in Dallas melted at the pace of 2-3 inches per period.  Ol' Gar, ol' buddy, ol pal?  It's 100 f*cking degrees outside, in an arena in which the air conditioning rarely worked.  Of COURSE the ice is going to melt!  That's what ice does when it encounters heat -- it melts!  Good Lord. 

12. Marv Albert and Mike Fratello, NBA on NBC.  Ol' Marv finally checks in, as part of my favorite national NBA broadcasting tandem of all time.  (There's still two local broadcasting pairings upcoming.)  He's had a solid recovery from being known as "that guy who wears a horrific toupee, enjoying wearing women's panties, and likes to bite women while he's having rough sex with them".  To be fair, those are three fetishes I don't enjoy, but hey, whatever's clever.  As for Mike Fratello, come on.  He's the damned "Czar of the Telestrator" for crying out loud!  The man is awesome!  No word on if he enjoying wearing panties though.  My guess is no ... but who truly knows?

11. Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse "The Body" Ventura, WWF.  Ooh, forgotten about this broadcasting classic duo?  Eventually Bobby "The Brain" Heenan replaced Jesse "The Body" Ventura when he left to run the state of Minnesota, and the broadcast was just as solid.

What also made it a great pairing?  Is the golden, soothing pipes of "Mean" Gene Okerlund.  What kid -- and I'm being serious here -- what kid DIDN'T beg their parents to "contact your local cable or satellite provider" to order WrestleMania (insert roman numeral here)?  God knows I did.  And what parent DIDN'T sign off on "contacting your local cable or satellite provider" to order WrestleMania (insert roman numeral here)?  God knows mine did.

And since I really haven't gone off tangent yet, here's another thing from my childhood that really doesn't exist anymore, and it's infuriating.  What the hell happened to quality wrestler nicknames?  Sure, you still have some, but they're the actual name of the guy now, not an adjective.  Now it's "The Rock", "The Undertaker".  Consider what we used to have:

* "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan.

* "The Macho Man" Randy Savage.

* Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat.

* Jake "The Snake" Roberts.

* "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase.

* "Classy" Freddy Blassy.

* Jimmy Hart, the "Mouth of the South".

* "Ravishing" Rick Rude.

* Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

* Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

* "Cowboy" Bob Orton.

* Bret "The Hitman" Hart.

* "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan.

We need quality wrestling nicknames back in our lives, fellow readers.  We need quality wrestling nicknames back in our lives, stat.

Here we go, the Top Ten!!!  (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. Sean McDonough, Bill Raftery, and Jay Bilas, ESPN Big Monday (Big East Game).  My favorite moment with this crew, had to be during the epic six overtime UConn / 'Cuse game, when Raftery noted that he was "going to miss my midnight table time" in Atlantic City.  But honestly, my favorite game they've ever called, was when Villanova rolled the 'Cuse in the Big East quarters in 2007.  Some memorable one-liners that afternoon:

Bilas: "What would you tell your team ('Cuse trailed 2-23)"?

Raftery: "Everybody plays today!"

(laughs all around)

Raftery: "No, really -- if you can't get in today, you might want to rethink why you play this game!"

(laughs all around)

Bilas: "So you'd even put me in?"

Raftery: "I'd at least think about it!"

(laughs all around)

McDonough: "Coach, in all seriousness, how do you handle a defeat like this?"

Bilas: "Because honestly, Coach, nobody's been in this spot more than you"

Raftery: "Which is probably why I'm sitting here!"

(laughs all around)

Bilas: "As Dick Vitale would note, get the bus started!"

Raftery: "Why?  They way (Syracuse) are playing, they'd wind up under (the bus)!"

(laughs all around)

9. Bob Davis and Max Falkenstein, University of Kansas football and basketball.

Let's just acknowledge the obvious.  Bob Davis is a horrible broadcaster, whether it be calling KU athletics, or Kansas City Royals baseball.  And Max Falkenstein ... my God, he stuck around at least 22 1/4 years too long.  But I don't care.  I see nothing wrong with clueless homers broadcasting my team's games, and that's exactly what Bob and Max are / were: clueless homers broadcasting my team's games.

Bob has never seen a call or play go against KU, that wasn't an outrage.  Max ... well, he's probably never seen a call or play go against KU; he wasn't all there for the last 22 1/4 years.  Here's how clueless Max Falkenstein is -- whenever the defense makes a big stand, or faces a huge play, or the offense takes the field, the opening bells from "Hell's Bells" by AC/DC always plays.  Just the "clang!  clang!  clang!  clang!" part of it.

Max, the loveable clueless homer, responded to the canned music by joyfully exclaiming "even the bells of the Campanille are ringing over that play!"  How ANYONE can confuse the opening of "Hell's Bells" to the (much quieter) clanking of the Campanille, I have no idea.  But he said it.

As for Bob?  This about sums it up.

8. Chris Marlowe and Brian Bosworth, XFL on UPN.  Unless you watched the XFL, you have no idea why this team, that lasted only a season, is ranked this high.  If you did watch the XFL, you know exactly why this team is ranked so high, and that reason is Brian Bosworth.  He had a catch phrase that my friends and I still yell out or tweet anytime there's a fumble on the field.  "That's a live ball!"  Half of the time, it wasn't a "live ball"; it was an incomplete pass or the runner was already down by contact, but still, anytime a ball started rolling around the field, "that's a live ball!"

Mr. Bosworth also got into a boatload of trouble for this classy comment: "It's like prom night at the Mustang Ranch: everybody's getting banged!"  Yes, that was said on a live football telecast to describe the action in the trenches.

7. Bob Jenkins, Larry Rice, and Jason Priestley, IRL on ABC / ESPN.  I will grant you, there is probably nobody who lives outside the state of Indiana, who loves the Indy Racing League as much as I do.  Which helps explain why ratings are non-existant for any race other than Indy ... or Texas.  It's that Texas race in 2001, that earns these three this high honor and distinction.

First of all, yes -- it is THAT Jason Priestley, aka Brandon Walsh from the original "90210".  Believe it or not, he wasn't half bad as a race commentator. And Bob Jenkins has replaced the dearly departed Tom Carnegie as "The Voice of Indianapolis Motor Speedway".  It's Larry Rice, that made this trio work.

The man was like your crazy drunk uncle.  He'd just say stuff out of nowhere, that would make no sense, and then you'd just laugh when his predictions or comments came true.  

This Texas race in June 2001 is my favorite race in IRL history.  It was insane, to put it mildly.  There were only two cautions as I recall.  And for most of the race, the top three drivers were running three wide around the entire track -- Eddie Cheever (solid driver), Greg Ray (anything but), and Scott Sharp (still has the distinction of being the only pole sitter at Indy to finish in 33rd ... because he failed to get out of the first turn before wrecking his vehicle.)  Somehow, this worked.  All night long.  And so Larry and Bob and Jason had to keep coming up with new ways to say "three wide", and it got hysterical.

"Look at this!  Three abreast!"  "This'll never wor -- yes it will!"  If someone has a copy of that race, share it with the world; I couldn't find any true highlights on Youtube!, unfortunately.

I really, really, really miss the old IRL.

6. Dan Hicks, Johnny Miller, Mark Rolfing, Roger Maltbie, Judy Rankin, and assorted others, PGA on NBC.  Some people hate Johnny Miller.  I love him.  I wish NBC would use him on the Sunday Night Football telecast; I think a booth of Al, Cris, and Johnny would be the best since the number one ranked team on this list.  Mark Rolfing and Judy Rankin are among the best in the sport at covering the course.  Roger Maltbie is the comic relief, and somehow, Dan Hicks holds this all together.  I wish every major was on NBC ... provided they let Jim Nantz still call the 18th at Augusta.  You know spring has arrived, when Mr. Nantz is dropping a crappy play on words regarding the name of the winner.

5. Ralph Lawler and Bill Walton, Los Angeles Clippers television broadcast.  This, along with number two, is why I buy the NBA League Pass every year.  There has only been one better local broadcast team, than Lawler and Walton (and they're at number two).  Now, the Clippers were terrible back in the late 1990s and really well into the 2000s.  (They did have one solid season in 2005-2006, when they took Phoenix to seven in the divisional round.)  But this being the Clippers?  Of COURSE they were the six seed, yet had home court advantage over the third seeded Nuggets!

The beauty of this pairing, apart from the obvious love and admiration they had for each other, was that they knew the Clippers sucked ass, and didn't try to hide it.  Instead, at some point, they'd simply stop calling the action, and go off on some tangent for ten minutes that was far more interesting than the game itself.  Case in point: the night Ralph and Bill debated how to properly pronounce the letter "W" ... in German.  Bill noted it's pronounced like a V (which is true), and so he and Ralph for the rest of the night, and the entire season, would refer to him as "Villiam Valton".  Hey -- you try covering a 65 loss team for 82 nights, and see how creative you get to keep people tuned in.  Sadly, Villy moved on due to his health issues, but he still pops up from time to time on the Sacramento Kings local broadcast.  Ralph Lawler?  Still the only man to ever call the play-by-play for the Los Angeles Clippers.

4. Good Ol' JR and Jerry "The King" Lawler, WWE.  If this was the only great call they'd ever had?  They'd still be ranked fourth.  

3. Kevin Harlan, Len Dawson, Mr. William Grigsby, and Bob Gretz (sideline), Kansas City Chiefs Radio Network.  Chiefs fans?  We once had THE best radio team in the business.  Look at that talent.  It's an embarrassment of riches.  Mr. Harlan left after the 1993 season to join FOX (and eventually join CBS) as one of the lead announcers for the NFL.  You also no doubt recognize him from his fantastic work doing the NBA on TNT, as well as doing play-by-play for the Minnesota Timberwolves television broadcast.  Len Dawson is an icon in this town, and isn't afraid to say what he's thinking.  The late, great Bill Grigsby is sorely missed.  Seeing our Ol' Pardner slowly fazed out over the late 1990s and into the early 2000s was tragic and outrageous.  And people forget how great a reporter and sideline guy Bob Gretz was once upon a time.  Nobody -- nobody! -- in Kansas City had more to do with Lamar Hunt finally cleaning house after the 1988 season than some reporter employed by the KC Star named Bob Gretz.

My favorite moment for each of them:

Harlan, week 17 1992, as 9-6 denver visited 9-6 Kansas City, with the final playoff berth in the AFC on the line -- "Not even Santa Claus can save the denver broncos today!!!"  The Chiefs won 42-20 in a game that wasn't even that close.

Dawson, week 8 2004, with the Chiefs leading the Colts 45-35, after Greg Wesley intercepts peyton manning's desperation pass: "Get down.  Get down!  Jesus get dow -- ooh good block!" 

Grigsby?  I have three.  (1) 1990 season, after Dave Kreig escapes what would have been Derrick Thomas' eighth sack on the afternoon, and hits Paul Skanzi on a Hail Mary heave to beat the Chiefs 17-16: "I'm too old to cry, I'm too sick to puke".  (2) Anytime it was thrown to him in the Pavilion for the postgame.  You never knew what you were gonna get, other than (a) he was drunk, (b) he had no filter, and (c) he'd offer friendly advise to every Chiefs fan listening to "don't take it out on the dog".  I miss Harry.  I might need to pour myself a stiff libation over some Mountain Valley Spring Water bought at Price Chopper to go along with my gumbo from Jazz.

And (3) -- the moment when they took the keys away from Uncle Bill, when he asked a Chiefs Hall of Famer "how the f*ck are ya!" live, on the air, during the pregame.  

2. Mike Gorman, Tommy Heinsohn, and Bob Cousy, Boston Celtics television broadcast.  Sadly, Cousy moved on a few years ago, but trust me -- if you have never heard Tommy Heinsohn call a game, you MUST check him out next fall when the League offers the League Pass for free for a few days to open the season.  For starters, you can't understand a word he's saying 92.6% of the time, because (a) he truly struggles to pronounce player names because (b) he's fall down drunk hammered by the time the game gets underway.  And he goes downhill from there.  You can almost picture the stiff bourbon and pack of Marlboro Red's at the broadcast table.  He also has this thing called a "Tommy Point" that he gives whenever someone does something good.  It's like the "Circle Me Bert!" Bert Blyleven thing -- it's absolutely retarded, but it's absolutely awesome.  Mr. Gorman is about as solid as they come on play-by-play, and quite frankly, anyone who can manage to (somewhat) reign Tommy Heinsohn in?  Is one helluva broadcaster.

1. Pat Summerall and John Madden, NFL on CBS / NFL on FOX.  They're the best.  Period.  Nothing will ever top this pairing.  I should instinctively hate John Madden -- after all, he coached the raiders for ten years, won a Super Bowl, reached a couple others.  But I can't.  Mr. Madden loved the NFL, he loved the sport, and it showed through in every broadcast.

And Pat?  There will never be another who ever approaches his greatness.

My favorite Summerall / Madden call of a Chiefs game, was the 44-9 ass whipping we laid on the 49ers, Thanksgiving Sunday 1997.  Both teams would wind up with home field advantage throughout the playoffs (and both would lose to the eventual Super Bowl participants).  

The 49ers are forced to punt.  The Chiefs lead 30-6 at that point late in the third quarter.  They aren't risking anything; they send one.  Here's the call:

"The 49ers to punt and ... the punt is blocked!  Thompson's punt is blocked by ... (Tony) Gonzalez?!?!"

And then, after some back and forth after the change of possession (Chiefs got the ball at the 49ers 4), Pat Summerall simply summed it up:

"Allen.  Standing up.", as Marcus Allen scored the touchdown.  Which led to John Madden's classic rebuttal:

"Pat?  The Kansas City Chiefs are taking to the 49ers today, and they are giving them the business!"

But my favorite Summerall / Madden call, was the final play (for all intents and purposes) of the greatest NFL game played in my lifetime.  

"And the pass is caught by Owens!  Owens made the catch!"  (The 1:00 mark of the embedded clip.)

One of the rarest of moments: Pat Summerall getting caught up in the moment, beyond excited at what he'd just seen.  John Madden, literally speechless, just cheering like a fan.  Which is what they both were.  They were fans of the game.  And damn did it show.

Rest in peace Pat.  This world is a far, far worse place, without you ...

my ten favorite days of 2012 (probably)

Don't worry, "Anonymous" with your witty "Family Guy" comebacks in the comments -- a "Smash" recap is coming ... if only to ensure another "laugh out loud" reaction when I read your latest "Family Guy" comeback once the recap is posted ... it's that, or a "mustache kinda mornin'" around here ...

--------------------------------

We’re barely 24 hours away from my favorite day of basketball of the year.  I mean, how can you top “Tremendous Thursday” (or whatever lame throw-away name ESPN anoints Thursday as)?

The eight best conferences in America* get their tournaments into full tilt on Thursday – the ACC, SEC, Pac 12, Big XII, Big 10, Big East, Mountain West, and A-10 all hit the quarterfinals.  As a hoops junkie, it’s an orgy of delight – EIGHT freaking conferences with four games apiece.  Non-stop basketball action from 10am CT to well beyond midnight**.  It’s a day of paradise for me***.

(*: I am aware how utterly unwatchable Big 10 basketball is.  But the Colonial and the Valley’s tourneys are already done, so what can a kid do … other than ignore any and all Big 10 basketball games until they’re unavoidable.)

(**: assumes another six overtime classic in the Gahden.  Hey, Syracuse and UConn are lined up to play at 10am Thursday if the seeding holds.  I’m just saying.)


(***: and me alone.  I blame the failure of my relationship with "The Ex" on said six overtime game.  I think she realized I was fucking insane that night.  In her defense ... she's right.)

So, since I figured I’d better post something other than a “Smash” recap to quiet the masses … here are my ten favorite days of each year.  I should note – these are days GUARANTEED to happen.  Not “my nephew or nieces were born” that happens once.  These bad boys occur regardless of the changing of the calendar … although I’m blatantly cheating that statement I just made for eight of the days about to appear …

10. The first Sunday Tailgate at the K.  The sun is shining, the temperatures are rising, the beer is ice cold, and I lose 15-2 at washers.  Also known as “a perfect day in late May”.

9. The four days of religious kookdom known as the Republican National Convention.  Coming to you the last Monday through Thursday in August this year!  Part of me is really rooting for Rick Santorum to still be mathematically alive when the Convention begins, because I cannot WAIT to see the nutjobs and lunatics that compose his base of support on national television.  (And the part of me that doesn’t want an Obama re-election continues to root for Rick Santorum to still be mathematically alive when the Convention begins, so that we get a brokered convention and a competent challenger capable of defeating Mr. Obama (I’m looking at you, Chris Christie) emerges.)  Barely edged out by …

8. The four days of mental and emotional kookdom known as the Democratic National Convention.  I’ve always noted that the only difference between the fringes of both parties is that “Republicans give their (crazy folks) a mic behind a pulpit at Mass, and Democrats give their (crazy folks) a mic in front of a news broadcast.”  Sadly, I’m 100 percent correct about that … although for a week, extend “news broadcast” to include “the podium at Time Warner Cable Arena in downtown Charlotte”.  Tragically, the highlight of the DNC won’t ever occur again, as beloved alcoholic, philanderer, and assassin of Mary Jo Kopechne Senator Edward M. Kennedy has passed on.  (Cue the bartenders at last call in Charlotte weeping openly over their loss of guaranteed revenue …)

7. The raiders home game.  For four important reasons.   (1) It’s screwed the Chiefs out of a playoff berth (or a first round bye) the last two years.  (2) They are (in theory) our most hated rival.  (OK, fine, they are … but not on this site.)  (3) January 2, 2000 remains the most painful day of my life that didn’t involve someone dying.  And (4) Three R Words: Russ’ raider Ribs.  They’re to die for.  (Cue everyone who’s ever spent a weekend day / evening at the pool nodding in profound agreement …)

6. The Saturday of a Floater.  Provided it’s on the Elk, because after spending eight to ten hours soaking up the sun, getting ridiculous drunk, cliff and bridge diving, and generally making an ass out of yourself, you close the night down at everyone’s favorite misnamed bar, the Shadow Lake Surf Club!  (Cue the “Linda Richman” voice: I’ll give you a topic.  Shadow Lake Surf Club is neither on a lake, nor a surf club.  Discuss.)  I love that little bar, with its 26^th annual Homemade Bikini Contest coming your way in early June …

5. The Chiefs Home Opener.  Not preseason, regular season.  The first tailgate of the year almost always is the best – still good weather, seeing friends and beloved seatmates and fellow tailgaters you haven’t seen in eight months (in some cases), and everyone “cautiously optimistic” about the season to come.  One of the ten days a year I DEFINITELY live for.

4. The (Insert Ounce Here) Annual Tailgate.  2009 was a rough year, especially for a few months in the late spring and early summer – huge changes in life, good friends fighting and feuding over trivial shit that doesn’t matter one damned bit at the end of the day.  My plan to at least close the summer down on a positive?  A day of drinking and tailgating.  The first (Insert Ounce Here) Tailgate drew about fifteen people … and worked perfectly.  2010 was the best one so far, as nearly 40 people showed up to drink the afternoon away.  Last year was epically fun too … and epically hot, which drove the attendance down.  Still, at some point this summer, (Insert Ounce Here) Tailgate will return.  And I liked the Sporting KC venue much more than an afternoon at Kauffman, so I’m leaning towards another Sporting KC afternoon and evening of fun and drunken hijinks.

Still, if both teams are in first place come mid-July … uum … well … I’ll throw it out there: if I accept a tailgate and day of fun for drinking ounces, will someone else accept smoking ounces, so we can cover both? 

3. Thursday.  For every reason listed in the opening, and two more to boot.  College sports fans are paying a heavy, unnecessary price due to pure unadulterated greed, as two great rivalries are guaranteed to die in a couple weeks … and two more are gonna bite the dust next March.  Texas / A&M is dead and buried, save for deciding who battles TCU to go to Omaha in a couple months.  KU / MU hopefully has one last great moment left in it later this week.

And next year, Syracuse / UConn and Syracuse / Georgetown bite the dust.  When I say repeatedly that “unchecked capitalism is the single greatest evil in the world today”?  I say it with these things in mind.  In the last twenty years, we’ve lost Texas / Arkansas.  We’ve lost OU / Nebraska.  We’ve lost Penn State / Pitt.  We’re about to bid goodbye to KU / MU, Texas / A&M, and (possibly, speaking as a Horny Frog alumnus) TCU / SMU.  We’re going to lose Syracuse / Georgetown. 

And Thursday might be the final Syracuse / UConn showdown in the Gahden.  Ever.

That’s insanely wrong.

(And why I’m taking the day off, if only to say I saw the last classic showdown someday, when I’ve been dumped in the home and am rambling more insanely idiotic stuff than I already do …)

2. The Fourth of July.  No matter how much the fringe lunatics on both sides try to destroy this country, there will always be the solid middle 60% of us who refuse to let it die.  Plus, it’s a day built around (1) being outdoors in the summer heat, (2) blowing shit up, (3) getting ridiculously drunk, and (4) celebrating the greatest nation the Earth has ever allowed to call home.  Remember (4) especially come late August, when the Republicans trot out their religious nuts, and my side trots out our inept incumbent onto your television sets. 

But number one?  In the words of Chad Ochocinco, “Child?  Please!”  There is ONE day, and ONE day alone, that earns “Best Day of the Year” status …

1. denver at Kansas City.  Put it this way: I could be 92, on life support, and unable to control my bodily functions … and I’d write out ANYONE out of my will who refused to transport me to Arrowhead for this day.  I LIVE for seeing that team lose on the sacred grounds of Arrowhead Stadium.  If I ran the NFL … well, it would probably be bankrupt, or at least as broke as the CBA was when Isiah Thomas was through with it.

But if I ran the NFL?  You can bet your sweet ass I’d schedule denver at Kansas City would be in prime time every freaking year.  Ideally on either Thanksgiving Night, or Christmas Night.

Because every person should always be thankful of a denver loss, and grateful for receiving a Chiefs win …

5 things i miss and other random thoughts

I had a pretty low-key start to my vacation last night: sitting around the kitchen, enjoying a BLT and a bottle of Vertikal reisling.

But it got me to thinking. (As always, if someone’s been thinking, they’ve probably been drinking.) Sitting around the kitchen, enjoying a BLT and a bottle of wine (plus some strawberry shortcake) is how I used to end every Sunday night during the summer my last couple years of high school and into college, enjoying it with my mom of all people. So, here are 5 random things I used to love doing on a regular basis that for various reasons, never happen anymore … plus some random thoughts after the mini-list.

5. Saturday night dinner on a Chiefs home weekend. There were a lot of good things back in the late 1990s and early to mid 2000s when it came to Chiefs home game weekends, but nothing made me happier than when Gregg’s folks would arrive … because we were guaranteed one incredible meal the night before. (I’m assuming this is due to the Steve Theory that “if I drive 6 hours one way for a Chiefs game, the least I can do is eat well the night before I have to drive the 6 hours back”.)

We were guaranteed something awesome, without fail. Jack Stack, Hayward’s, the late, great Copeland’s, the late, beyond great Coyote Grill (my favorite, damn I miss the Squawking Nachos), some awesome restaurant where the tab was on his folks, so live it up.

I miss that big time. With honorable mention to the Sunday brunch before a 3pm home game. First Watch is that damned good.

4. The Sunday Ticket setup. Me and “The Voice of Reason” lived together for eight years. And every NFL Sunday when the Chiefs were on the road, that meant the house was opened up for the NFL Sunday Ticket. We’d haul out up to seven TVs, cable lines running everywhere down the hallway, and put as many quality NFL games and (when still running) the NASCAR race on TV.

I remember when my college roommate Vineet came to visit us in 2002. I went with him to pick up lunch at Hayward’s, and when we got back, Gregg had the setup going … and Vineet’s jaw damned near hit the floor. “This is like a sports bar!” Yes, yes it was.

We had the old big screen parked in front of the fireplace, the HD big screen parked underneath the cheap … I mean, high-quality Sauder entertainment center*, we’d haul my console out where the chair usually went, and then start stacking TVs on milk crates, other TV’s, and kitchen chairs. It was sweet.

(*: someday I have to recap the “day we built the Sauder entertainment center / attempted to get the lighting to work on the lower deck”. Let’s just say, between me, Tim, and Gregg, we somehow managed to completely screw up the electricity to the lower deck so that only one of the three light sockets worked, it took us 5 hours to get that entertainment center built to where it looked somewhat right, and oh yeah, that was also the day we tried to get the DirecTV dish installed, and ended with Tim deciding “F*ck it, we’re draping the wiring on the roof! This is too damned difficult!” Yes, alcohol was involved. Good times!)

We’d also haul this setup out on Election Night, so that we could have every network’s coverage. Amazingly enough, there wasn’t a girl in sight for either one of us back then. Knock me over with a feather.

3. Team Trivia Night. It started as a random, “what the hell” moment – Dusty called me up and had a coupon or something for some wings at Hooters, and asked if I wanted to meet him. Uuh, yes?

So I get up there to the Hooters at 435 and Metcalf, and turns out, they’re having Team Trivia that night. Since neither one of us had anything better to do, we decide to play … and win 10 free wings for finishing 2nd. I was like “we can do better than this”, and the next week, with a bigger group, we won the deal.

We played Team Trivia pretty much every Wednesday night for the next three years, culminating with the ultimate showdown with the Rhinos in September 2008 that got us the coveted berth in the Citywide Finals. And after that … we pretty much never played again, other than every now and then. What can I say, lives change and sh*t happens, but I miss Team Trivia night. Because anytime your Trivia Night is decided in “double overtime” based on who can do that hula hoop thing the longest (Buff, you’re the best!), you have to do it.

2. Sunday nights with my mom. It’s no secret my mom and I aren’t that close, mainly because I have no use for religion of any form, and she embraces the Church despite it’s obvious flaws. But I do miss this. I’d get done doing yard work, and she’d fry up some bacon, cut up some lettuce and tomatoes, and toss a shortcake in the oven, to prep for dinner**.

(**: true story – when my mom turned 40, my dad asked her what she wanted for that milestone birthday. Her response: “I want the right to never have to cook again unless I feel like it.” Dad gave her her wish. Seriously. We’d come home from school, and dad would have left a $20 on the kitchen table for us to go somewhere for dinner. The amazing thing is, my mom is a damned good cook, she just hates to do it.)

I used to love those Sunday nights, either at the kitchen table or on the back deck table. Usually it was just her and me, Drew was off God knows where. There’s something to be said for a mom and son bonding over some BLT’s and a bottle of wine. Maybe I should offer to do that during my week and a half off …

1. “The Couch”. Oh sweet Jesus do I miss “the couch”. It was never more fun than the last few months, when there were four of us, now affectionately dubbed by Kellie as “the family”. But man, do I miss “the couch”.

Now, a few random thoughts flowing through my head this overcast Saturday morning …

* “The Voice of Reason” and I disagree about a lot, hence his designation as “the Voice of Reason”, because he’s usually right and I’m usually wr … wr … wr … possibly incorrect. But on this point, I am absolutely right. And it is this: the Tea Party needs to be deep sixed, immediately. We are now four days away from defaulting on our obligations as a nation, to not only our creditors, but to our citizens who have spent a lifetime paying into various systems for the benefits they enjoy.

Who the hell are these quacks to demand a default? Do they not know what default means? I mean, would they dare tell their credit card company in their real lives “sorry, I think you’re charging me too high a rate, so I’m not paying you”? I’d love to see that. Because we all know what happens if you don’t pay your credit card bill – they cut off your credit line and sue your ass. As well they should. You entered into a contract with them – they provided you credit, you have to pay the bill.

Furthermore, this crap about the balanced budget amendment, really? The party of bankruptcy, the party that turned a $500 billion surplus into a $1.8 trillion deficit in 8 short years, is preaching fiscal responsibility? And furthermore, going back to the credit card analogy, if you have a credit card, or a home loan, or a car loan, or a line of credit of any way, shape, or form (and most of us have many), then by definition you are “living beyond your means”. You’re purchasing stuff with money you don’t have. It’s called “full faith and credit”. It’s how our government operates as well. God forbid these quacks that believe they’re saving this country from roo-een get a lesson in common sense.

I strongly oppose a balanced budget amendment, simply because sh*t happens that you don’t plan for in September every year. It’s why we as citizens have credit cards. It’s why the government has borrowing authority. Life happens, contrary to what these well-intentioned yet mentally retarded folks that compose the Tea Party think.

* Now to be fair, they are right about one thing: the government won’t default on August 2nd. It’ll still have enough revenue to pay about 60-62% of its obligations, and clearly the debt holders, Social Security, and military benefits will get paid. But pretty much everything else won’t. And for that, don’t you dare blame the President for wisely demanding an increase in the debt ceiling that takes us through 2012, to prevent this from being a national embarrassment during the upcoming campaign. (And I say this as someone with zero intention of voting for the President at this point. I don’t think he’s demanding a raise through 2013 for political reasons, he’s doing it for practical reasons.)

* Finally, and then I’ll move on to rainbows and lollipops and happier thoughts, the idea that these people know what’s best for us, is laughable at best. We are in this fiscal crisis solely and completely because, in the mid to late 1990s, when state government (and the federal government) were running surpluses, these morons demanded we return the excess revenues to the people because they were being “overtaxed”, rather than saving the surpluses for the eventual, inevitable economic downturn that is guaranteed to happen. A capitalist economy always ebbs and flows. In the late 1990s, in the tech boom, it flowed. Smart, sensible people would have banked the surplus for when the inevitable ebb of 2001 hit. For a perfect read on how these folks created this crisis, I highly recommend you read “What’s the Matter with Kansas” by Thomas Frank. It was written 6 years ago … and it accurately predicted everything we’re enduring right now. Because where we’re at today, was obvious 12 years ago, if you saw the natural progression of “thought” these people offer.

* The Chiefs … oy, have I been disappointed so far. Losing Ron Edwards and Shaun Smith hurt. I’m not sure why the Pioli administration didn’t fight harder to keep those two. Signing Kelly Gregg this morning helps, but he’s not better than Edwards, and probably more costly.

We still need an OLB and a backup QB. Let’s get on that already.

* The firefighter flap with the Chiefs is the most ridiculous non-story I’ve ever heard. It was a stupid mistake some guy in the marketing department made, and it was fixed within an hour. Let it go media guys. This isn’t some massive “Chiefs are cheap” conspiracy. It was a stupid mistake. What can I say, sh*t happens.

* What is ridiculous, is the Chiefs withholding pay from their employees, and now refunding it with a 3% raise to boot. What, pray tell, was the reason for ever docking pay in the first place? I know I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but it seems to me the Hunt Family has been sitting on my (and thousands of other folks) season ticket money for four f*cking months! Pay your employees their fair market wage out of that, you cheap bastard. Don’t punish the innocent bystanders for your inability to negotiate with the players union.

* Finally, this is Brickyard weekend. And there are many theories flying around about why this race is nowhere near as prestigious and/or well attended as it used to be, and most of those theories have merit.

So here’s how I’d fix the Brickyard, in four simple steps:

1. Do NOT create the “Super Weekend” that is planned now for 2012. O’Reilly Raceway Park is the PERFECT venue for the Saturday night Busch race. Don’t give that up for what, 25,000 in attendance at IMS for the race on a 105 degree afternoon? I’ve been to enough Brickyards to know how f*cking hot that track gets in late July. You really think subjecting fans to two straight days of 105 degree weather on metal bleachers is going to INCREASE attendance? Really? Good God, if you buy that you’re dumb.

I mean, I’d planned to do the full NASCAR weekend here at Kansas in early June. It was 98 on Saturday for the truck race … and I damned near passed out. And I say this as someone who loves the heat. My race buddy DJ, who also loves the heat, looked awful leaving the track. When both Dusty and I can’t take it, it’s beyond awful. DJ was stuck for day two, and thankfully I wasn’t – I watched the race poolside.

To think that putting two straight races under usually 100 degree heat will draw fans? You’re nuts NASCAR. Ask the IRL how well the July 4th weekend setup at Kansas worked for a decade. Outside of me and Brett, nobody would go both days. And with good reason – it was 105 in the shade! You’re sitting on metal bleachers! It’s too damned hot!

2. Eliminate the off-week entering the current slot for the Brickyard. This is vital for my primary proposal for where to move the Brickyard in the schedule.

3. The single biggest reason why attendance has collapsed at Indy … is because you have 5 f*cking races in 8 weeks within 7 hours of Indy. Not even I can afford to attend that many. If I gotta choose, I’m taking the home race first, and Indy if I can.

Beginning the first weekend in June, through the last weekend in July, NASCAR visits Kansas, Michigan, Iowa (Nationwide and Trucks only), Kentucky, and Indy. And Chicagoland opens the Chase in six weeks. To say nothing of IndyCar and Nationwide running the Milwaukee Mile and MidAmerica in Ohio during this two month stretch. There’s too many races, in too confined a corridor, in too cramped a timeframe, for the Brickyard to work where it’s currently at. So the Brickyard needs to move. And …

4. I’d move it to Labor Day weekend, and make it the last race before the Chase. Sorry Richmond, you get bumped. Deal with it.

What doesn’t this move solve? It moves Indy nearly six weeks later, outside the crowded June / July window. It puts the race on a holiday weekend, just like the Indy 500***. It sets this up as THE biggest race of the year, the wildcard race, the “do or die” moment of the season.

(***: I still think the single biggest screwup the Brickyard ever did was moving the race from Saturday to Sunday in 2002. As someone who tries to make at least one race there every year, and usually does, you need that travel day to recover.)

By moving the Brickyard to Labor Day Weekend (the old Southern 500 slot), you move the race out of the heat of July, out of the June / July confluence of racing in the Midwest, build in a travel day (and/or a makeup day, seriously, the Cutoff Race on Labor Day? Sign me up!), and most importantly, move your Chase Cutoff race OUT of NFL Opening Weekend, giving it the primetime slot for sports news that weekend.

Somehow I think this proposal makes so much sense, even “The Voice of Reason” would sign off on it. (gregg voice) I just can’t believe you of all people thought of it …

my 50(ish) favorite songs ever

(Plus, I somehow manage to work in a nearly two page rant at the midpoint on why the closing scene of my favorite movie ever is so unrealistic, so completely illogical in real life, that it leads me to throw beer cans, whiskey bottles, and whatever else I can get my hands on at the TV every time it’s on … even if I have it on because I’m playing the DVD! See, who says I so am not going to wind up like “Honorable Mention Rant after Number 37 on this countdown!!!” …)

I haven’t done a list post in a while. So, here are my 50ish favorite songs of all time. And God bless it, keeping this to 50ish … ok 60ish … ok, fine, there’s at least 70 in this damned thing, was one helluva difficult assignment. (And to the very end, I waffled on 1 and 2. I’m still not sure of their ranking. But … for now, we go with it.)

Let’s start by ensuring this thing tops 50 with the first “Honorable Mention”.

The Honorable Mention: “Don’t Give Up On Me” by Solomon Burke. The words pretty much sum up my life. “If I fall short / If I don’t make the grade / If your expectations aren’t met in me today / There’s always tomorrow / Or tomorrow night / Hang in there baby, sooner or later, I know I’ll get it right / Please don’t give up on me / Oh please, don’t give up on me …”

50. “I Don’t Remember Last Night” by Sunny Ledford. A minor hit back in 2005, 2006, that The Spectrum kept playing. The chorus about sums it all up: “I Don’t Remember Last Night / Did I fall in love, or did I get in a fight / I don’t remember last night / Not a God Damned Thing! / I don’t remember last night / I was down and out, I was high as a kite / I don’t remember last night / Not a God Damned Thing!” Uum, not that those words can apply to me on any random Thursday.

49. “Are You Ready for the Fallout” by Fastball. You couldn’t be a kid in college in the state of Texas in the late 1990s without loving Fastball. “The Way” being their biggest hit. But this one is my favorite by them, off the “Varsity Blues” soundtrack. Great song.

48. “Endless Summer Nights” by Richard Marx. And the first “hey, let’s make total fun of Stevo’s musical tastes!” selection appears in the countdown! Well screw you. I absolutely LOVE this song. I actually enjoyed my first mini-makeout cession to this song back in the summer of 1989. (I was 12. Now, I’m 34 and am more awkward around girls I like, than I was 22 summers ago. Man, I p*ssed away my early potential.) Plus, as someone who lives for this time of year, when it’s hot as hell, humid as hell, and not a cloud in the sky, when you start sweating by just walking out the door … yeah, I love those “endless summer nights”. Especially the ones spent on my favorite deck in Raytown.

47. “Skin” by Rascal Flatts. One of at least three songs in the top 50 guaranteed to bring me to tears. (This one, though, in a good way, unlike the upcoming other two.) I’m not a huge country fan*, but I like Rascal Flatts, and this song just gets to me. Especially the video, when the kid shows up with the shaved head to take her to the prom, that just kills me -- with emotion, on the computer screen, by the Mr. Clean wannabe, to haul out the now run-into-the-ground Clue reference. This song just gets to me. Love it. (Oh, and if that kid didn’t get lucky at the end of that night, he has no hope. I gotta say it -- that was a total sweet move, to shave the head. That deserves many Tommy Points!)

(* -- this countdown will make you think otherwise.)

46. “Mr. Telephone Man” by New Edition. Come on, my love of sh*tty R&B from the late 80s / early 90s had to make its presence known somewhere.

45. “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems” by Kenny Chesney. It’s not my “official” life anthem – that’s coming up a long ways later. (As in “top 2” later.) But this one just about sums me up: “No shoes? No shirt? No problems! / Blues? What blues? Hey I forgot ‘em! / The sun and the sand and a drink in my hand, with no bottom! / No shoes? No shirt? No problems!”

44. “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore” by Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand. Laugh all you want, make fun of me all you want, I don’t give a sh*t. This song rules. One of the great breakup songs ever recorded, if not the greatest. Or a great love song, if you think the two stay together when this thing ends. (I don’t.) And it’s arguably the greatest performance in the history of the Grammy’s. Awesome stuff. (Their sendoff at the end is why I argue this is THE greatest breakup song ever. Although I can see how some would read it as THE greatest makeup song ever. Either way, it knocks your socks off.)

43. “Same Auld Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg. The second “guaranteed to reduce Stevo to tears” song on this countdown. It’s the single saddest song I’ve ever heard in my life. And sometimes, you just need to cry. When that moment arrives, just pull this song up, and try not to start sobbing.

42. “Regulate” by Warren G and Nate Dogg. My brother used to drive my dad bat sh*t crazy by playing the “Above the Rim” soundtrack in the car non-stop when this first came out. This song was the best thing on it. Plus, you have to love its wholesome, uplifting, winning message – namely, that even if you drive past a couple hookers on the side of the street to save your buddy from getting jacked in a dice game, you can always go back, they’ll still be there, and “next stop is the Eastside Motel …” Plus the opening, the line “Regulators!!!! Mount up!” never fails to make me laugh. Music should make you laugh. Or at least have fun. Which I’m guessing “Warren to the G” and his “homey Nate” did with those girls at said Eastside Motel …

41. “Fooled Around and Fell In Love” by Elvin Bishop. Always said this should be the personal anthem of DJ. I stand behind that statement. Plus it’s a really neat song. The original version though – Rod Stewart damned near roo-eened this song for me with his “remake” a couple years ago.

40. “Down With the Sickness” by Disturbed. Bar none, THIS is my favorite song on the tailgating CDs at Arrowhead. The second the opening drum beats start, I always start “playing” the drums with my hands. And once the full on sound kicks in, I start nodding the head like I’m in a f*cking mosh pit or something. I absolutely LOVE this song. If you aren’t fired up and ready to kick some ass when this thing hits the first chorus, then check your pulse, you probably don’t have one.

Honorable mention: “Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off” by Joe Nichols. Another tailgating staple that never, ever gets old. God help me if I ever date someone who that song applies to. It’s bad enough vodka, shiraz, beer … hell, insert liquor here, makes my t-shirt magically disappear at a moment’s notice if it’s a nice, sunny, humid afternoon …

39. “The Best of What’s Around” by Dave Matthews Band. Another “should be the personal anthem of my life” song, but my “personal anthem” is just that much better. “Whatever tears at us / Whatever holds us down / And if nothing can be done / We’ll make the best of what’s around”.

38. “Get It Like You Like It” by Ben Harper. Hey, my favorite artist’s first appearance! Don’t worry, he’s got at least one more coming up. Down 0-3, down 4-3 in the bottom of the 9th, to the Evil Empire … and then Dave Roberts happened. Then David Ortiz kept happening. Then the Bloody Sock happened. And finally … “But Johnny Damon swung a bat / Grand slam! That was that! / 86 years and the Curse was gone!” It also doesn’t hurt that one of the two or three best concerts I’ve ever attended was Ben Harper in a monsoon at Starlight in support of this cd, “Both Sides of the Gun”.

37. “God Only Knows” by the Beach Boys. Entertainment Weekly hails this as the greatest pop song ever recorded. I honestly can’t argue with that assessment. Love this song. “God only knows what I’d be without you.” Hopefully I someday (soon?) find someone I can truly say that about.

Honorable mention: “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by the Beach Boys. There’s a fantastic scene about ten minutes into “Roger and Me”, before you meet Sheriff Fred and The Rabbit Lady and the Color Lady and that crazy tourism director who, for a brief moment, actually makes you root for GM -- right after GM chairman Roger B. Smith (voted by Fortune as the “worst CEO of the 20th Century”, and I’m guessing there was NO competition for that title) announces he’s shutting down over 200,000 jobs in Michigan (and most of those were in Flint) and shipping them to Mexico. Anyways, a plant friend of Michael Moore’s named Ben describes why he voluntarily committed himself to a mental institution. Basically, he got the layoff notice, realized life as everyone knew it in Flint was over, so he walked off the job, got in his car, is driving along crying and depressed, and then this song came on. That’s when he knew he was crazy and needed help. The moral? I have no idea. Other than every time I hear this song, I think of that guy Ben, and begin to wonder if maybe today is the day I check myself into Two Rivers over there on Raytown Road. You know, “voluntarily”.

36. “Into the Night” by Benny Mardones. For three reasons. (1) my former boss at “former employer”, this was her favorite song, and I heard it so much, it just grew on me. (2) it’s the theme song to the only sports talk show I listen to. And (3) when Benny appeared on said sports talk show, and told the background story to this song, it was beyond inspiring. I stopped regretting that I love this song after hearing the background.

35. “Gallery” by Mario Vasquez. The great “what could have been” on “Idol”. How screwed up was season five? So screwed up that the three best artists didn’t even reach the Finals (Vasquez quit in the top 12; Daughtry went home 4th, Elliott Yamin went home 3rd.)

34. “Dancin’ on the Ceiling” by Lionel Richie. Track 59-14 on the jukebox in the basement. Yes, I know it by memory. Love this song. Four fun minutes of “screw it, just sing along and have fun!” entertainment.

33. “The Jazz Singer (America)” by Neil Diamond. You have no soul if this song doesn’t affect you.

32. “Anthem of Our Dying Day” by Story of the Year. Wow, I thought this one would be much higher. Love this song. One of my favorite cd’s ever released. And yet, there’s 31 I like better. Unbelievable. “From up here the city lights burn / Like a thousand miles of fire / And I’m here to sing this anthem / Of our dying day!”

31. “(I Hate) Everything About You” by Three Days Grace. I’ve had a few of these relationships with people. “I hate everything about you! / Why do I love you?” Plus, this is one of THE best live bands you’ll ever see. Along with …

Honorable Mention: “Falling Away From Me” by Korn. I hated, I mean HATED, Korn with a passion for a long time. And then came August 24, 2004. Projekt Revolution. I’ve detailed how sh*tty that time in my life was elsewhere on this site (scroll down to the answer for number 16 on the Quiz Answers from July 2008.) Their set that night was one of the best 45 minutes of my life. Could not believe how awesome these guys are live. I can say with no doubt whatsoever that the main three of us there that night (me, Gregg, DJ), this was the band we were least looking forward to. And they delivered the best set of the night. I’d absolutely pay top dollar to watch these guys again, just tell me when and where.

30. “Hands Held High” by Linkin Park. Hey, another band there that magical night in late August 2004. They brought the house down to close the night out. This isn’t their best effort, but as a political lefty, it pretty much summed up exactly how I felt about the previous administration. (The irony? You can absolutely use this song to describe the current administration.)

29. “Come On Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson. Matt was on The Pulse during the drive into work Friday, and he performed this live. “Yeah, the song about getting naked with someone you like to have fun with!” Cracked me up. To be fair, the Sugarland version is very good, but Jennifer Nettles can’t sell what makes this song great like Matt does, “I miss the pull of your heart / I taste the sparks on your tongue / I see angels and devils and God / When you COME … on”, the way he accentuates the word “Come”, it just totally sells the song, totally puts you in the, uuh, mood to “get naked with someone you like to have fun with!”

28. “Lawyers, Guns and Money” by Warren Zevon. I blame my dad for this one – he is a huge Zevon fan. But this song did give rise to one of the greatest catch phrases in history. “I was hiding in Honduras / I’m a desperate man. / Send lawyers, guns and money / (wait for it … wait for it …) The Shit Has Hit the Fan!!!” Any song that created that magical six word phrase, has to rank somewhere in my top 50.

27. “Mr. Tamborine Man” by the Byrds. You know what I hate the most about modern music? Other than the auto-tuner that every damned song seems to employ? Its that there’s no creative wording anymore. You don’t have to come up with codes or word embedding to say what you’re singing about. This song is about a freaking junkie praying his supplier gets him another fix. And yet, if you aren’t looking for it, you’d never know. Our folks music was so much better than 99.99% of what passes as “hip” now. And what the hell, one more by Bob:

Honorable Mention: “Just Like a Woman” by Bob Dylan. His last major hit, and man, it’s a classic. If, you know, you think the absolutely ridiculous, stupid, petty sh*t your girl makes you do to make the relationship work is absolutely ridiculous, stupid, and petty. (Should probably note: with two glaring exceptions? (And out of about 20 options, that ain’t bad.) None of my friends are married to (or dating) someone like that. Thank God. There’s nothing more annoying than having to put up with the know-it-all who’s roo-eening … I mean, running, my buddy’s life straight into the ground. Nobody wants to be around that girl. Especially me.)

26. “Let’s Live for Today” by The Grass Roots. This is one of my mom’s absolute favorite songs. And it’s really good. I mean, really good.

(Hey, we’re give or take a couple honorable mentions, halfway home! And I just started page 7 in Word! I’d have lost that over/under prop. Of course, I haven’t come completely off the rails yet with a timely “wait, where’s he going with thi … oh, I see” rant yet. And next up on the countdown … oh boy, here we go …)

25. “How Deep Is Your Love” by the Bee Gees. What, it’s the love theme from my favorite movie of all time. It plays over one of the coolest final moment (yet absolutely unbelievable final scene) ever filmed. I could write a paper on why “Saturday Night Fever” is the best movie ever made. (Wait, I have done that, never mind. And I got an A on that winning effort, thank you very much.) This song perfectly nails the ending to that movie. Even if, as noted, said ending is so completely unrealistic, it nearly roo-eens the previous 145 minutes.

(And allow me to rant on that point for a second. Come on, we’re 30 plus songs in, and I haven’t ranted yet, I am LONG overdue.

Look it, I love “Fever”. It is truly the best movie ever made. And if you don’t believe me, please remember that the late, great Gene Siskel so loved this movie, that he owned Travolta’s white polyester suit from the “finale” to the movie. Because as he freely admitted, this movie got to him. As it does me, for much the same reason: it’s the life you’ll never enjoy … and yet, as much as you’d want to live Tony’s life, you’re grateful to every diety known to man that you’ll never have it.

If you’ve never seen the movie, and someone asks you about it, you instantly know three scenes off the top of your head, because it’s so ingrained in pop culture: (1) Travolta’s strut back to the paint store in the opening credits (to “Stayin’ Alive”), (2) Travolta’s dance sequence on the checkerboard disco floor (that sadly introduced the nation to a then unknown Fran Drescher. Although she does get off one of the ten best lines in the movie: “are you as good in bed as you are on the floor?” Slays me every time.) And (3) the final dance competition with Stephanie and Tony, where Tony wears the famous white suit.

(Also cool? Here’s your random trivia fact of the post. The Bee Gees never officially released “More Than a Woman” as a single, even though it charted into the top 5. Their version is used in the final dance showdown mentioned above … but the released single was the Tavares version. Radio stations and fans loved the Bee Gees version better, so they decided “screw it, we’re playing this” instead of Tavares’ effort. And that’s today’s Stevo “Good Call of the Column!”, because the Tavares version is AWFUL. As in “haul out the Chuck Barkley voice “TURRIBLE!” awful.)

The movie spends 140 minutes building to that final competition. It’s the only thing it seemingly builds toward. Then you hit the dance competition, in a stunner to no one, Tony and Stephanie win it, it’s a rewarding conclusion … only psych! It’s not the conclusion, it’s the catalyst! The three most important scenes in the movie occur AFTER the scene the entire movie builds towards!

(Why “Saturday Night Fever” kicks ass and takes names 101. If you haven’t seen it, you need to. It’s ok, this column will still be here two hours and twenty some odd minutes from right now, if you wanna divert yourself to Netflix for that long and finally watch it. Just be prepared for gratuitous female nudity, an obscene amount of foul language, recreational drug use wide out in the open, casual sex about every fifteen minutes, horrendous racial stereo-typing that ultimately results in a racial brawl, and (actually, my favorite yet saddest plot line) the absolutely sh*tty way Tony treats Annette, and how that relationship ultimately gets “resolved”. It’s why I hate all but the last 30 some odd seconds of the final scene so much … hang on, we’re getting to that, I’m ahead of myself again …)

The final three scenes are by far and away the best, or at least the most important, ten minutes of the movie. Each in its own way. The scene in the car, the scene on the “Brooklyn Bridge” (anyone who’s ever spent time in New York, and God knows I have thanks to my dad’s side of the family, knows that’s the Verrazano heading out to Staten Island, not the Brooklyn headed into Manhattan, that they film Bobby’s big scene that comes out of nowhere in a “holy sh*t!!!” kind of way on. Way to insult everyone’s intelligence there, producers), and the final scene in Stephanie’s brownstone that makes me hurl empty beer cans at the TV every time it’s on.

And then that final scene. Sorry, but there isn’t a shot in hell Stephanie would have let Tony into her brownstone given the events of the night before. Let alone reached détente in the windowsill. Not a shot in holy hell. I will grant you, had Tony been up front at the door about the events leading to his arrival at her brownstone, then maybe, just maybe, the final scene is believable. But he wasn’t. “Nuthin. I’ll tell ya lata.” And still she let him in. She even questions her own sanity in doing so: “letting a known (won’t reveal it) into my apartment?” And she even verbally throws down with him: “really? Be friends with a girl? Can you actually be friends with a girl?” (The rebuttal, which saves the scene: “Honestly? I dunno. But I wanna find out.” From that point on, the scene is cool with me. But the 90 seconds leading into that final huddle in the windowsill of the absolutely gorgeous brownstone (that there isn’t a shot in hell Stephanie could afford on her secretary salary, even in 1976) on the East Side, is so utterly unbelievable, requires such a suspension of reason, that it cheapens the brilliant closing moment. End rant, back to the countdown, if I can remember what the hell number I’m down to.)

24. “All or Nothing” by Theory of a Deadman. Hey, a song released in the last 12 months finally appears! (There’s at least two more coming up, I’m not completely against modern pop music …)

23. “Somewhere Only We Know” by Keane. I love the stripped down version of this that The Coffee House plays, and it’s the version Blake did on “Idol” four years ago. Even the main version of this though is so good, that I never turn the channel when it’s on.

22. “Yeah!” by Usher, Lil’ Jon, and Ludacris. How this wasn’t voted the 2000s best overall song, I have no idea. How Rolling Stone didn’t even include it in the TOP 100, is an outrage that the feds should be investigating.

21. “Burn One Down” by Ben Harper. Life flows by so much more peacefully, relaxingly, and pleasantly when you enjoy “the gift from the earth”. Because “what’s from the earth is of the greatest worth”. Or something like that.

20. “Bye Bye Bye” by NSYNC. My one dance move guaranteed to bring the house down.

19. “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” by David Allen Coe. Dear God, do I love this song! Yes, Mr. Coe, it IS the perfect “country and western song”. Along with another one your good buddy Steve Goodman wrote …

Honorable Mention: “City of New Orleans”, by Willie Nelson. Come on, even ALF knew the lyrics! “Good mornin’ America, how are ya? / Pleased to know you, I’m your native son! / I’m the train they call the City of New Orleans! / And I’ll be gone 500 miles when the day is done!”

18. “Come Monday” by Jimmy Buffett. My favorite Buffett song. Although I love his cover of CSN’s “Southern Cross” that he closes down every concert with almost as much.

17. “Fantasy” by Earth, Wind, and Fire. I will be seeing these guys in less than two weeks, and I am beyond ecstatic. “Every man has a place / In his heart, there’s a space / And the world can’t erase his fantasy …”

16. “Sinners Like Me” by Eric Church. Another song that could be a perfect anthem for my life … if only it had been released before said actual anthem of Stevo’s life. (It’s at most 15 numbered selections away … although hell, anyone who knows me or has read this site knows what said “anthem” is …)

15. “More Than This” by Matt Nathanson. I keep changing what my favorite by this guy is, it veers between this, “Come On Get Higher”, and the two honorable mentions coming up right about now …

Honorable Mention: “Answering Machine” by Matt Nathanson, and
Honorable Mention: “Heartbreak World” by Matt Nathanson.

At the end of the day, I probably go with “More Than This” because man, the lyrics are that good. But they are with “Heartbreak World” as well, that was released at a time I was living that song in real life. And if you don’t get the urge to get at least a little frisky hearing the bridge in “Come On Get Higher”, then it’s probably time to start taking some pills to get the sex drive engaged.

14. “Sydney” by Brett Dennen. Hey, a song actually released IN THIS CALENDAR YEAR!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Absolutely love this effort out of him. The other song released this year I am totally and completely digging …

Honorable Mention: “Start a Fire” by Ryan Star. Give this song a chance, ditto his “Breathe” debut single that came out before this. This kid’s got a bright, bright future in front of him. (And yes, I am fully aware he is the exact same age as me. I used the term “kid” for a reason dammit.) He’s got a really Daughtry sounding voice and sound to his stuff. His 11:59 cd is well worth the download on iTunes.

13. “Jesus of Suburbia” by Green Day. “American Idiot”, for all of its overhype and (predictable) backlash against said overhype, is a truly great cd. And this is by far and away the best song on it.

12. “It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi. Of course this song is making my top 20. I don’t think it stopped playing in my car cd player from the day it was released until about 3 years later. I absolutely LOVE this song. Well hell, I absolutely LOVE every song on this countdown, I just happen to love it a little less than 11 others, plus whatever honorable mentions I sneak in between now and the (possibly) predictable numero uno.

Honorable Mention: “You Give Love a Bad Name”, originally by Bon Jovi, but so cleverly and amazingly remixed by Blake Lewis. His version is pure genius. “Idol”’s finest hour.

11. (Three Way Tie). Come on, I hadn’t done a tie yet!

11a. “I Think the World Needs a Drink” by Terri Clark.
11b. “I Like Beer” by Tom T. Hall.
11c. “Mas Tequila” by Van Halen.

I can’t disagree with a word in any of these winning efforts. Other than I do like wine, unlike Tom T. Hall.

Well, we’re here, the top 10! Let’s get it started! (And nope, that craptacular tune by the worst band in America that has a recording contract is not appearing anywhere on this post.)

10. “Wherever You Will Go” by the Calling. This song’s always kind of struck me the right way. Love the sound, love the words, hey, what can I say, I’m a sucker for sappy stuff sometimes.

9. “I and Love and You” by the Avett Brothers. Another great breakup song, only far more modern than the others listed so far (and the one still to go at number 7). It’s just a great listen.

8. “Tyler” by the Toadies. “Possum Kingdom” might be my favorite cd of all time. (It’s damned close. Get me in the right mood, I’d vote it number one.) Texas’ finest alternative band of the 90s, and this was their best effort. Plus, one of the last nights I spent in college, and in Texas, was an impromptu “let’s hit up the Hard Rock, what the hell” night (my brother had just come in for my graduation, it was a Thursday in mid December). So me, Drew, my roommates, Mike and Niko, a couple others, head on over to that amazing converted chapel on Pearl Street and McKinney, walk in the door, and wouldn’t you know it, Frank had set me up! God I loved that guy, co-best roomie ever with Vineet, “The Voice of Reason” and “The Champ”. (I ain’t picking; you four all rock.)

Apparently he knew the Toadies were doing a concert at the Hard Rock that night for that “Hard Rock Live” show VH1 used to air. I will never forget how awesome this night was. Especially when they closed the set with “Tyler”. Plus the song itself, it’s so freaking perfect, especially in the second half. At the risk of offending any single religious people who read this that take that whole “don’t screw until you’re married” idea to heart, uuh, if you have never been in the position of the dude the song is singing about, especially as it hits its finale, you haven’t lived buddy, you freaking haven’t lived.

7. “Silver Springs” by Fleetwood Mac. Late summer 1997: I’m entering my junior year in college. (And yes, this is “the semester”, when I went from a solid 3.8 student to a barely scraping a 2.0 because that damned 007 game came out on the N64. Between that and Mario Kart, coupled with one roommate now being legal, and the other one loving an herbal remedy, I think I pulled off a minor miracle at getting a 2.0.) MTV stages the Fleetwood Mac reunion concert, and “The Dance” cd of its recording is a huge hit. I’m already a huge fan – after all, I grew up in a family where dad’s radio never leaves 101 the Fox, mom’s rarely left Oldies 95, and as even back then a “way too into politics for his own good” liberal, of COURSE I loved The Mac, they did Clinton’s election theme song after all!

So, this is the cd in my Discman. (Fine, fine, stop yelling – a Discman was a very bulky iPod predecessor that played cd’s, only it skipped so much as you walked along from class to class that you eventually just gave up trying to listen. Although once you got to lab or class, and could set that thing on solid footing, it was golden.) And my roomies Vineet and Frank just give me all kinds of sh*t for the first week. (My favorite? “Dude, how can you listen to sh*t our folks love?” And that was from the guy I went to an Eagles concert with on his dime. Uuh, yeah. We didn’t have a combined 4.3 GPA between the three of us for nothing that semester! I kid, I kid, I think it was 4.8.) Anyways, one night, we’re sitting around doing what we do best (aka “enjoying a couple cold ones and burning one down”), they start in again on the cd, and I’ve had it. In a rare show of spine, I’m like “fine, here, listen to the god d*mned thing, and if you still hate it by song six, I’ll never listen to it again!”

We went to the reunion tour concert at (ironically enough) Reunion Arena not even six weeks later. This song is the cd’s best effort, it’s Stevie Nicks finally, after years of having to hear Lindsey rip her every day via “Go Your Own Way”, FINALLY, she gets revenge. And man, the last 90 seconds, the final chorus, you can literally taste the hate in this song. It takes her a solid 15 seconds to calm down enough just to end the song, she’s waited so long for this moment. Awesome stuff.

6. “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey. If I have to explain why this is in my top ten, just start clicking various links on the side of the page. Particularly anything having to do with Top 4 Idol night this past season, or “The Sopranos”, or KU Football from 2007.

5. “One Step Closer” by Linkin Park. Quite possibly the best five minutes of my life that didn’t involve me (a) being high, (b) being drunk, or (c) having some fun with a member of the opposite sex. Oh wait, I was two of the three, and son of a b*tch, you can probably guess the one that wasn’t happening. Linkin Park closed down Projekt Revolution in 2004 at Sandstone with this song, and I gotta say, this might be the highlight of my life musically. I’ve mentioned elsewhere on this site why that night and that concert meant so much to me, but man, I actually am sitting here shaking my head, with a big goofy grin on my face, fighting back tears, remembering that moment from that night. “Cause I’m One Step Closer to the edge / And I’m about to break!!!” I can still see myself head-slamming, pounding the fist, jumping up and down … and I wasn’t the only one. (Sorry “Champ”, you know you were too. Ditto “The Voice of Reason”.) The best concert I’ve ever been to, and I’d do it again tomorrow if I had the chance. What a night. And what a song.

Honorable Mention: “Work” by Jimmy Eat World. “Futures”, for anyone who cares, is my favorite cd of all time pretty much any time you ask me. “Work” for years and years and years (ok, six or seven years) was always fourth on my top four songs, behind three of the next four about to appear. But as time goes along, one of these remaining four just keeps growing more and more on me. So now “Work” is an honorable mention, somewhere in the top 10 if I’m being honest, but why start now, I am a Democrat after all.

4. “Perfect Memory” by Remy Zero. The next two songs, you probably have never heard of the artist performing said song, and even odds you’ve never heard the song itself. So do yourself a favor and Youtube! it. This was my late buddy James’ favorite song, and you’re damned right I cried when they played this at his funeral mass. It’s sadly, a perfect description of his life. Rest in peace buddy.

(Second random trivia note of the post: Remy Zero only had one minor hit … and this song wasn’t it. Nope, they did the theme song to “Smallville”! When your biggest “hit” is scoring the theme song to the what, 110th, 111th rated show, uuh … and yet, an even LOWER rated show’s theme song is still to come!!! And you bet your sweet ass it’s “Stevo’s Anthem in Life”!!! Oy …)

3. “Second Place Victory” by This Day and Age. And here’s a band that had zip, zero, nada major hits. They had a minor one (apparently) in New England and the upper East with this one.

And I can totally understand why. There’s nothing wrong with a “Second Place Victory” in life. Someday, I hope to win one.

And now, the toughest part of the post … and we’re only on page 13, so I am well short of “longest post ever” status.

On the one hand, is the song that I have said is my “personal anthem in life”, is the theme song to (arguably) the worst show still on network television (even if, as I freely admit, I totally love the show, am absolutely addicted to it, and I have seen every second of every minute of every hour of every episode of said television show between original airings and SoapNet reruns …), and it’s one of my favorite artists signature songs, if not THE signature song by him.

On the other hand, you have a song that only one “Idol” contestant has ever performed on that show, and the second David Cook launched into it, I feared DJ and “deadbeat ex roomie” were about to evict me, I was so totally digging it. Plus, it’s the song that for years I listened to walking into Arrowhead to get me into the proper mindset for GameDay, and it’s just one amazing rock anthem to boot. So, your top two Stevo Favorite Songs are …

2. “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin DeGraw. From the second you see Lucas Scott dribbling the basketball on the railroad bridge as the three opening piano notes hit, you’re f*cking hooked on this song. (Yes, it’s the theme song to “One Tree Hill”, although, in my defense … well, I have no defense, I’ve seen every moment “One Tree Hill” has ever broadcast. Not even “Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer” could get me off for this offensive of a television pleasure. But in my defense – I loved this song before it was “Tree Hill”’s theme song. Because Gavin DeGraw is that damned good.)

I don’t wanna be anything
Other than what I’ve been
Trying to be lately,

All I have to do
Is think of me
And I have peace of mind.

I’m tired of looking around rooms,
Wondering what I’m supposed to do,
Or who I’m supposed to be.

I don’t wanna be anything other than … me.

Perfection. Only, not quite, because my favorite song from when I launched this site, is still at the top of the charts …

1. “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace. Some people I know, enter Arrowhead listening to “Lose Yourself” by Eminem. Some entered to “Boom!” by POD. Some get fired up by “Down With the Sickness” by Disturbed. (OK, I cop to that too. Wait, I already did. It’s wickedly inspiring.)

But THIS … THIS is THE fire you up anthem in life. Or at least to me it is. The story of a struggling musician offered the break of a lifetime – sell out and record a pop hit, over staying true to your principles. You’ve got your dreams, your vision … but now you have a sick girl, you’ve got bills, you’ve got pressures … “and I remember feeling low, and I remember losing hope, and I remember all the feelings …”

And the day they stopped.

We are.
We are all innocent.
We are all innocent.
We are, we are.

The artist didn’t sell out. He stuck to his guns, so to speak. Ignored the advice. Made it happen on his terms.

“Remember losing hope? Remember feeling low? Remember all the feelings and …”

The day they stopped.

We all got something to contribute to this life. I’ll be damned if I know what my contribution is, other than horrendous dancing to “Bye Bye Bye”, 15 page countdowns on my 50 favorite songs that somehow reach 70 plus songs, and ensuring potato farmers everywhere can at least hawk their product on the secondary market as the beginnings of a vodka crop. But man, I love this song. We are all “innocent”. We all have our shot to make it. It’s up to us to do it. God knows I’ve failed many a time or 1,938,538,562. But I’m still “innocent”. I can still make it happen. As can anyone else.

As always, questions, comments, thoughts, or angry grizzley-bear like reactions -- unlike some people, I don’t censor or block your thoughts. You can hit the comments below, or hit me up at Facebook or Twitter or Yahoo IM! at teamtito15. It might take me a while to reply, but eventually I do ...