"While she lays sleeping,
I stay out late at night,
And play my songs.
And sometimes, oh the nights,
Can be so long.
And it's good when I finally make it home,
All alone ...
While she lays dreaming.
I try to get undressed
Without the light.
And quietly she says,
How was your night?
And I come to her and say, it was alright,
And I hold her tight ...
And she believes in me!
I'll never know just what she sees in me!
I told her someday, if she was my girl?
I could change the world, with my little songs!
But I was wrong ...
Yet she has faith in me!
And so I go on trying faithfully!
And who knows -- maybe? On some special night?
If my song is right? I will find a way!
Find a way ..."
-- "She Believes in Me" by Kenny Rogers. Gun to my head, it's my favorite song by Kenny. If only because it so applies to my own life, far, far too many times in this life, so, uuh, far. And also, the Scotty McCreary version from "Idol" is kick ass as well ...
--------------------
Last week, I took a fond, fair look back at all the 2019 NFL Predictions I got so, so incorrect. You can re-read (or read for the first time) that post by clicking here.
Today? We take a fond, fair look back at all the 2019 NFL Predictions I so, so nailed. Buckle up kiddos. This one could get lengthy.
--------------------
The three look-back categories are:
* Predicted Order of Finish (Division and Conference).
* Predicted Regular Season Record.
* Predicted Postseason Finish.
We'll begin with the first of those, and work our way through to the last.
--------------------
For the record, I got sixteen -- sixteen! -- out of the thirty two NFL teams finishing position inside their division exactly right. Including the entire AFC East ... and the entire AFC West. (Pause). What? (Pause). (the late, great senator edward m. kennedy voice) You can bet your ass I picked the Los Angeles "Blooper" Chargers to finish dead last! Maybe in five years, people will realize how awful an owner Dean Spanos is, how incompetent a general manager Tom Telesco is, and how inept of a coach Anthony Lynn is. Until then, let the media continue to perform a sex act on the franchise every offseason! It's always hilarious to watch in hindsight!
The teams I nailed the finishing position correctly for, by division:
* AFC East: Dolphins (4th), Jets (3rd), Bills (2nd), Patriots (1st). Yes, a blind squirrel could have nailed the Dolphins and Patriots' finishes, and yes, even the most sanity challenged amongst us (hey, that's me!) could have tossed a coin and had it come up Bills over Jets. But still. I'll take victory where I can get it.
* AFC Norris: Bengals (4th), Steelers (2nd). When all is said and done in a couple paragraphs for the AFC, you will see I nailed 12/16 divisional finishes. That's damned impressive if you ask me. Sh*t, that's damned impressive even if you don't ask me.
* AFC South: Colts (3rd), Texans (1st). As a Chiefs fan, the AFC West should be my favorite division. As a football fan, the AFC South is my favorite division. Every year it's a clusterf*ck of Biblical proportions. Every year, any team can win it -- they're all perfectly mediocre. Any of them can go 6-10; any of them can go 10-6; none of them will do better than in between those two records. It's ... well, in the words of the legendary Anthony J. Bruno: it's "beautiful".
* AFC West: Chargers (4th), raiders (3rd), those people (2nd), Chiefs (1st). One would hope, after pushing forty years of unquestionable Chiefs fandom, that I'd know this division like I know the back of my left hand. Which, sadly, I probably know too well.
* NFC East: Redskins (4th), Giants (3rd). You know, I almost hate to do this, but it might be the last chance in at least my lifetime to have the opportunity, so here goes. Thank you Daniel Snyder, thank you, for bringing "Sur" William Callahan back into our lives for three months. I mean this with all due sincerity -- I fear our kids are going to fail to appreciate just how sh*tty a head coach Bill Callahan is. Not was, not may become -- is. He destroyed raider nation. He destroyed Nebraska football.
Again, with all seriousness -- how many coaches can claim they have destroyed one institutional franchise in the sport, one dynasty in the sport, one instantly recognizable program in the sport, let alone two! The man so destroyed the raiders in two years that they went from AFC Champs, to one playoff berth in 18 years since. The man took over a Nebraska program that hadn't failed to appear in a bowl since my parents were in junior high (and they're both in their seventies). He promptly missed a bowl. He missed two of them in his four years at the helm. To "Sur" William's credit, he did win the Big XII North in 2006. It is the last championship of ANY kind Nebraska has won.
As a Chiefs fan who has experienced way too many lows prior to this past season (* cough 2012 cough *), you have to look for the positives in a lost season. Getting to watch "Sur" Willy do his thing for the Redskins this past fall? Was appointment television in the Casa de Stevo.
* NFC Norris: Lions (4th). Back in the day (aka "two months ago"), when I still went into the office every morning versus working from home, I'd pass by the same homeless dude every morning at the bus stop at 39th and Broadway. On nice mornings when I had the roof open and the windows down, you could hear him shouting at noone in particular, clearly off his meds. (Or probably more accurately, on a med of some kind.) I mention this, because even that crazy dude?
Would have picked the Detroit Lions, to finish dead last. This is not an accomplishment or an achievement ... unless you count me giving in to common sense at long last to be an accomplishment and/or an achievement. And on that, you might have a point.
* NFC South: none. The division I clearly know nothing about. I'd better bone up on it; the Chiefs play the NFC South this fall * .
(*: I haven't done my Chiefs Dream Schedule yet, because the NFL Schedule Release is still three weeks away. But this scenario makes total sense to me, and will probably guide me in creating said Chiefs Dream Schedule over the next couple weeks, to be posted before the actual Schedule is released the first week of May. Oh, and in this scenario linked in this footnote, I'd predict "Shane" Falcons at Chiefs if the season opens September 10th, and I'd predict Texans at Chiefs on Thursday Night Football in Week Five, if the opener is pushed back to then.)
* NFC West: "Super" Cardinals (4th). The worst prognosticator you know (hey that's me!) couldn't screw this one up
* Conference Finish (Playoff Seed): Chiefs (2nd AFC). I got exactly one conference seed right -- our Kansas City Chiefs. That's it. I got a lot of playoff teams right. I even nailed an exact matchup, date, and time, in the season preview predictions for crying out loud. But I got the seeds wrong on that matchup. I guess if you're gonna get one right? Make sure it's the team you pay thousands of dollars to support in person every year.
--------------------
When it comes to record predictions made last September, I nailed four teams exactly right. I also had eight more within a game either way of their actual finish (ten if you count ties, and I'm going to, to make myself look even better than I already do.)
Teams Whose Records I Got Exactly Right:
* AFC East: Bills (10-6-0). We're not done with Buffalo yet in this post.
* AFC Norris: none. Considering I missed the Ravens finish by nine bleeping games, this is not even remotely surprising.
* AFC South: Colts (7-9-0). Good luck with Phyllis guys.
* AFC West: raiders (7-9-0). Good luck with Mariota guys.
* NFC East: Redskins (3-13-0). You fire one incompetent Allen (Bruce); you trade for a mediocre (at best) one (Kyle). In the words of Sonny and Cher: "the beat goes on".
* NFC Norris: none. Can't say I'm surprised.
* NFC South: none. This is the only division I failed to predict at least one team's final record, within one game of their actual record. Again, gotta study up on these people before the regular season starts, considering we play this division this fall.
* NFC West: none. Nobody's perfect.
Teams Whose Records I Got Within One Game Either Way:
* AFC East: Dolphins (Predicted 5-11-0 / Finished 4-12-0); Jets (Predicted 8-8-0 / Finished 7-9-0). I nailed the AFC East order exactly. Three of the four teams I either nailed their record exactly, or came within a game of nailing it. And the only team whose record I whiffed on, I missed by two games. Not too shabby. Also, you can just copy this paragraph when we get to the AFC West, because the exact same thing is true for that division.
* AFC Norris: Bengals (Predicted 3-13-0 / Finished 2-14-0). Poor Joe Burrow. He deserves better than this sad sack franchise.
* AFC South: Texans (Predicted 11-5-0 / Finished 10-6-0). Poor Deshaun Watson. He deserves better than this rapidly deteriorating situation.
* AFC West: those people (Predicted 8-8-0 / Finished 7-9-0); Chiefs (Predicted 11-5-0 / Finished 12-4-0). Quick -- can you name the last team other than those people or the Chiefs to win the division ... and the year they did it? (Hint: it's been over a decade.) And ... time. The answer? Your "Blooper" Chargers in 2009. I don't see the dominance of the Chiefs and/or those people over this division ending before at least 2021 ... and that presumes the raiders find a semi-competent quarterback.
* NFC East: Eagles (Predicted 10-6-0 / Finished 9-7-0). Three straight playoff appearances despite Carson Wentz' inability to stay healthy. That's some solid coaching right there.
* NFC Norris: Lions (Predicted 2-14-0 / Finished 3-12-1); Vikings (Predicted 9-7-0 / Finished 10-6-0). I never thought I'd type these words, but after the last two years in Detroit, it's a fair question to ask: did Jim "Corpse" Caldwell actually know what he was doing? Could it be that Ol' Corpsy wasn't that bad of a head coach? Or is Matt Patricia that f*cking retarded at his job? (Pause). Yeah, it's gotta be the latter. There's no way Jimbo was competent.
* NFC South: none. As noted, I know nothing about this division.
* NFC West: "Super" Cardinals (Predicted 4-12-0 / Finished 5-10-1). I have a good buddy who lives in Arizona, is a Cardinals season ticket holder, and to say he's excited about the "Super" Cardinals future, is an understatement. He should be excited. They're at least catching and passing the Rams this fall.
--------------------
Finally, the Postseason.
Playoff Teams I Got Right:
* AFC East: Patriots, Bills. We're still not done with the Bills yet.
* AFC Norris: none. You whiff on the Ravens by nine games, and the Browns by five, you're probably not getting the division right.
* AFC South: Texans. He may be a god-awful general manager, but as long as Bill O'Brien is the head coach, you can mark the Texans down to host the postseason opener with a sharpie. Because as long as Bill O'Brien roams the sidelines, the Texans are winning the AFC South.
* AFC West: Chiefs. Peoples and peppettes? We aren't through with the Chiefs yet either. And man -- ain't we lucky we got 'em? Good Times!!!!
* NFC East: none. My NFC Postseason picks were, uuh, atrocious.
* NFC Norris: Packers. The only NFC Postseason pick I was remotely successful in seeing occur.
* NFC South: none. If my life depended on predicting the NFC South, I'd have been dead nine months ago.
* NFC West: 49ers. I was far higher on the 49ers than most folks, but not even I saw their postseason run coming.
Playoff Predictions I Got Right:
* Bills at Texans to Open the Postseason. I got the teams, the location, and the time slot exactly correct for the Postseason's first game. I should probably bet the ponies, puppies, roosters, and/or rubber chickens more, because that's one hell of a trifecta to nail.
* Chiefs over Texans in Divisional Round. I not only got this pick right ... but I had the Chiefs scoring 49. They scored 51. I had the Texans scoring 38. They scored 31. Meaning I had both teams within a score of where they finished. Circle me impressed Bert. Circle me impressed.
* Packers Losing the NFC Title Game. I had them falling to Dallas, not San Francisco, but hey -- I got the outcome right!
* Chiefs Winning the AFC Championship. I had them beating the Patriots, not the Titans, but hey -- I got the outcome right!
* Chiefs Winning the Super Bowl by Exactly 11 Points. Again, I was off by a score: I had the final at 38-27 instead of 31-20 ... but still. I got the outcome and margin of victory right!
--------------------
And so, (mitch holtgus voice) for all intents and purposes, 2019 now has the book shut on it on this site. There's still a few things ** I might go back and blog about ... but what I wanted to post, I pretty much have.
(**: I really want to recap the trip to Nashville, and I'd love to do a "running diary" of how I spent the 4th Quarter of the Super Bowl. I just don't know where I'll find the time ... or more specifically, the energy, to do it. Because both that weekend in Nashville, and that fourth quarter, were one hell of a roller coaster ride.)
It's time to look forward to (barbara walters voice) 2020. The first wave of free agency is all but over, and the Chiefs somehow -- despite having less cap room at one point than I have money in my checking account, and no, I don't have a comma in my bank balance most days -- somehow, the Chiefs are returning 19 of 22 starters next fall. The Draft is in five days, and either Brett Veach will finally pull the trigger on a first round pick ... or he'll trade it to gain more capital (which I hope he does). The Schedule Release is in three weeks; I wish it was sooner, given how cheap flights and hotel bookings are right now *** , because the Chiefs travel to Tampa and New Orleans this fall, and I want to make at least one of those two, if not both.
(***: my brother and I were looking at bookings for Vegas in mid to late May. Right now you can get a room at $17 / night come May 15th at The Flamingo. That is crazy insane. And yes, I would risk my life to play some pai gow or blackjack right now. Kansas City has shut down 2.5 million people to accommodate 1,500. This shutdown is f*cking nuts, it is f*cking indefensible, it is probably unconstitutional, and it needs to end yesterday. #reopennow)
As much fun as 2019 was though, there's one thing to never forget, Chiefs fans. One thing nobody can ever take away from us.
Cue the Queen Voice!
We are the Champions!
We are the Champions!
No time for (those people),
Because we are the Champions?
Of the world ...
Showing posts with label 2019 nfl season. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2019 nfl season. Show all posts
Saturday, April 18, 2020
Saturday, April 11, 2020
a fond fair look back part uno
"Now it's morning,
And the phone rings.
You say you've gotta get your things together;
You just gotta leave, before you change your mind.
But if you knew
What I was thinking girl?
I'd turn around!
If you'd just ask me one more time ...
Don't fall in love with a dreamer!
'Cause he'll always take you in.
Just when you think you've really changed him?
He'll leave you again!
Don't fall in love with a dreamer!
'Cause he'll break you every time!
So put out the light, and just hold on --
Until we say goodbye! ..."
-- "Don't Fall In Love With a Dreamer" by Kenny Rogers and Kim Carnes. God bless, losing Kenny was a blow, in a year full of them so far ...
--------------------
So, to my KC readers, how are you loving this shelter in place crap?
Personally, I hate it. I may be biased given where I live (I live in this awesome part of Kansas City known as Waldo, for those reading this that aren't familiar with Kansas City), but it's beyond depressing to see The Well has removed the tents ... and nobody's on the rooftop. To see that the Saturday market at Border Star is still open ... but all the sh*t that is usually sold that makes it so worth the trip a few Saturday's a month, isn't available.
It sucks to miss out on $2 margarita night at Chelly's every Monday. $6 burger night at my home away from home (The Well) on Tuesday * . Cheap taco night at Walsh's every Wednesday. Trivia nights at Lew's.
You can't pick a day to enjoy lunch at Tasso's. (The gyro is to kill for.) Or pick a night to enjoy dinner at Waldo Thai Place. (I think it's overpriced -- two solid glasses of pinot plus dinner sets me back fifty solid dollars just for me ... but have been told by chicas with far more competency at determining what a quality dinner costs, that getting out at pushing a (puff daddy voice) benjamin on a date, isn't unreasonable. Probably explains why I'm 43 and woke up alone this morning.)
I hate missing happy hour at Patrick's Bar and No Grill. I literally don't know what to do without my ultimate skillet this morning from Neighborhood Cafe. Hell, this is one of the two times out of the year I'll at least give thought to attending Mass ... only Christ the King is shut down, during Lent for crying out loud.
At least we still have Max's open for business as usual, unchanged and unaffected by all this panic ... but even I can eat a tenderloin only so many times a week.
And as if all the local restaurants, bars and grills that make this part of town so incredible being all but closed isn't craptacular enough, in the last three months, we've lost three shopping destinations / institutions as well -- not to this damnable virus, but lost as in "dead". Dave Smith the Lamp Maker, closed. The Big Lots on Wornall, shut down with pretty much no notice. And the hidden gem a lil' across the state line, the hidden Macy's in Prairie Village nobody seemed to know was there for fifty plus years, is gone-zo now to boot.
Needless to say, my biggest fear, is that Waldo may never recover from this, if it goes on another two months.
I pray that, as I so often am, that I am one hundred percent wrong, in my thoughts on that.
Because having said and noted that?
Glad you asked.
--------------------
(*: back in November, when dad had his latest (and God willing, last) "cardiac event", I took my mom to The Well for lunch on that first day. She demanded I take her back the next day, because "that burger was incredible". I may suck at a lot in life, but I know how to pick a bar worth being a regular at. Especially if food is involved. #barleys #lategreatzigandmacs #twisters #dirtybird #thewell #dailydouble)
--------------------
Every year, I post my NFL Predictions on this site. Since 2008 (when this site was launched), you can go back and review what my thoughts were entering the season. And most years since 2008, you get my weekly NFL predictions as well. (Because (fidelity ad guy voice) why not.)
This past NFL season saw something you rarely if ever see out of me: competency. Solid prognosticating. Thirty nine games over .500 in the regular season straight up. Twelve games above .500 against the spread.
Even in the playoffs, which if we're being honest here is a total crapshoot, I went one game above .500 straight up, and went .500 against the spread. (Texans / Bills was a push.)
Picking the Chiefs, I went 14-5-0 straight up. I went 13-6-0 against the spread. (The one game difference was the game in Detroit back in Week Four.)
Meaning, that for likely the first time in the twelve years I've been making NFL picks on this site, you not only would have earned money simply betting my hunches ... but had you simply wagered a decent amount on my Chiefs beliefs, you'd have broken your bookie. (Or at least shown him a level of love OJ Simpson never once failed, to show Nicole.)
--------------------
But as impressed as I am by my rare display of intelligence (at least weekly this past season) ... I am drop dead on the floor stunned, at my vision when it came to the season long predictions finalized way back on the day this past Chiefs season began.
(Here is your link to the final of the five full season predictions posts; you can access the previous four, at the top of that post.)
I may not believe in -- let alone practice -- much, when it comes to ethics and morality. But I do try to believe in accountability. And so, let's hold me accountable, for what I said would happen, seven months ago, shall we?
Let's begin with the bad and the ugly ... because for once?
There ain't much to report.
--------------------
Here's part of what I mean by "stunning results", even when it's in the "f*ck up and failure" file -- out of 32 teams, 8 of them, my predicted final record was off by three or more games.
That's not surprising, to be frank and honest. But of those eight squads? Three of them I picked to win ten or more games ... which all three did ... and I still was off by three games in each case!
So let's start with the predicted divisional finishes that I whiffed on by two or more spots. (Meaning, I picked them last and finished at least second, or vice versa ... or I picked them first, and they finished third or worse, or vice versa.)
There were only five of these squads, and none of them finished more than two off my projection. (So no "picked to finish last, and they won the division ... or picked to win the division, and they finished in the basement" flame-outs. That's bueno.) And those five are ...
* AFC East: none. In fact, I got the AFC East order of finish 100% correct.
(We'll get to the gloating portion of my picks in the next post, Part Dos ... which will probably be a hell of a lot longer than Part Uno. Note: this almost never, never happens, I'm that crappy of a prognosticator.)
* AFC Norris: Baltimore Ravens. Look it, there is no team in the NFL I was more wrong about than your Baltimore Ravens. I had them finishing third in the AFC Norris ... and to say I whiffed on their final record, well ... keep reading. Again -- there is no team I was more wrong about, than your Baltimore Ravens. Other than possibly ...
* AFC Norris: Cleveland Browns. Like a moron, I bought the hype. I had the Browns winning the AFC Norris at 11-5. They finished third at 6-10.
* AFC South: Tennessee Titans. I picked the Titans to finish dead last ... albeit it at 7-9. The Titans finished in 2nd, at 9-7.
* AFC West: none. A second division I got the order of finish 100% correct. (Stevo patting himself on the back for knowing the division he's lived his life, uuh, living, really well!)
* NFC East: none. I had first and second flip-flopped ... but like with the regular season, I did have the division coming down to the Week Sixteen showdown in Philly.
* NFC Norris: Chicago Bears. I had the Bears winning the division at 10-6. They finished third at 8-8.
* NFC South: none. I bombed on taking a flyer on the "Shane" Falcons ... but they only finished one spot behind my projected finish. (Inside the division, at least.)
* NFC West: Los Angeles Rams. I had them winning the West at 11-5. They finished third at 9-7, the first team out in the NFC.
--------------------
Perhaps even more important than picking a division finish, is picking a final record. (Since after all, most of us reading this wager on the over / under for wins for at least a few squads in (earth wind and fire voice) September.) As noted above, there were eight (out of thirty two) teams I whiffed on the win total for, by at least three games. Five of those eight, I was off by three games exactly. One I was off by four, one I was off by five, and one was, well ... we'll get to them. Let's just say, I was off on them by a lot.
Here are those eight squads ...
* AFC East: none. In many regards, I got no division more accurate in the 2019 season picks. Save for possibly the AFC West.
* AFC Norris: Cleveland Browns. I had the Browns finishing 11-5; they finished five games short of that mark at 6-10.
But let's move on, because there was no team I was more wrong about than ...
* AFC Norris: Baltimore Ravens. I feel like I should haul out a late-night commercial advertisement voice here, because I was wrong by not one! Not two! Not three! Not four!
(Pause).
Sh*t, at this point, I should haul out the classic SNL commercial "Super Colon Blow" voice here ... because five? No, guess again. Six! I'll give you one more chance. Seven!
Not even close.
Because I was nine -- nine! -- games off, from the Ravens final regular season record last season. I said they'd go 5-11. They went 14-2. When you consider that two teams (Titans, Eagles) got in at 9-7 last year? I literally was an entire playoff berth incorrect, on the Ravens record! You could plow that Titans bandwagon through the variance between my predicted wins for the Ravens, and their actual wins ... and still not scrape the garage door tracks on either side, I was so insanely f*cking wrong!
I should be embarrassed by this whiff. When we get to Part Dos, you'll understand why I'm really not that ashamed of it. Because this is the only prediction I truly have reason, to be embarrassed over.
Moving on ...
* AFC South: Jacksonville Jaguars. I had them at 9-7. They finished 6-10. Either way, I had them missing the playoffs, so not a gigantic debacle here.
* AFC West: none. When we get to the next post about what I got right? You'll drool over my knowledge of the Chiefs division, I think.
* NFC East: New York Giants. I had them at 7-9; they finished 4-12. I've predicted worse. (See Ravens, Baltimore.)
* NFC South: Atlanta "Shane" Falcons. Predicted 11-5. Finished 7-9. Whoops.
Finally, as noted farther up above ...
* The NFC Trio (one each from the Norris, South, and West): I had the Green Bay Packers, New Orleans Saints, and San Francisco 49ers all making the playoffs at 10-6.
The good news is, they all did make the playoffs, and all hosted at least one game once they got there!
The problem is, they all finished 13-3, and created one hell of a clusterf*ck to figure out the final NFC seeding (which, to be fair, I predicted said clusterf*ck at 10-6) in real life!
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: ain't we lucky we got 'em? Good Times!!!!!!!
--------------------
So, with the awful divisional picks, and craptacular season records out of the way, there's one last category to explore for f*ckupitude: playoff predictions.
And really, there's three that stand out, from those picks made seven months ago, and man, do they display f*ckupitude (which I guess is now a word?):
* The Cleveland Browns to have AFC Home Field Advantage. And also ...
* The Atlanta "Shane" Falcons to have NFC Home Field Advantage.
Not only did neither team win their division, post a winning record, or gain a playoff berth ... they clearly were not their respective conferences top seeds.
But perhaps my biggest gaffe in the playoff predictions, was taking the Dallas Cowboys to the Super Bowl. In my defense, I can't think of a single credible national (or D/FW local) pundit who thinks the Cowboys lack Super Bowl talent. With Mike McCarthy now in charge on the sideline, they have no excuse to not get there at least once in the next three years.
Because whatever one may think of the Mike McCarthy hire (personal opinion: it's not bad, but Dallas could have -- and should have -- done better ** ), let's ... hell, it's been a few months.
Let's play The Pyramid real quick, to end this post, shall we?
(pre-strokey dick clark voice) ready? Go!
(markie post *** ) Jim Fassel. Mike Martz. "Sur" William Callahan.
(stevo) bad early 2000s coaches!
(markie post) Jim "Corpse" Caldwell. Lovie Smith.
(stevo) god awful black coaches!
(markie post) No. Well, yes, but ... Dan Quinn. gary "krap of" kubiak. Jeff "500" Fisher!
(stevo) worthless white coaches!
(markie post) Uuh ... John Fox. Sean Payton. "Chucky". Tom Coughlin. Mike Holmgren. Mike McCarthy.
(stevo) competent white coaches!
(markie post) Wow ... uuh ... The Harbaugh brothers. "Fat" Andy Reid. Kyle Shanahan. Brian Billick. Barry Switzer!
(stevo) Super Bowl coaches!
(markie post) Yes! Yes! Yes! (hugs all around as the confetti flies ... **** )
Jesus. You look at that list of coaches who have, uuh, coached, in at least one Super Bowl since 1995? No wonder (villiam valton voice) Vill Velichick has made nine of the last eighteen of them, as the AFC's representative. Even I could outcoach some of those fine gentlemen. I'm looking at you, "Sur" William.
--------------------
(**: in case you've forgotten, Mike McCarthy was the Chiefs QB coach from 1995-1998. Meaning he botched the transfer from Montana to Bono, botched the transfer from Bono to Gannon, botched the transfer from Gannon to Grbac, then back to Gannon, then back to Grbac ... basically, the QB position was less stable than the San Andreas fault during his four years coaching the position. And yet somehow, the Chiefs went 42-24 (counting playoffs) with two division titles, in those four years. I guess some coaches really do fail forward!)
(***: so, apparently I was late to the party on this one ... but since this #kclockdown began, I've gotten into "Chicago PD" big time. (I mean, when USA, ION, and (I think) Oxygen devote between them five days a week to showing the, uuh, show, I can get drawn in.) Apparently, Markie Post plays the drop-dead gorgeous Sophia Bush's character's mom -- a drug-addicted crook named Bunny! Who knew! Markie Post is still alive and well, and now is playing a sleazy slutty chick named Bunny! How bleeping awesome is that! Now our kids get to suffer through what she considers to be "acting", like we had to in the 1980s!)
(****: also, I've been mocking "The Pyramid" on this site long before those "free free! free!" commercials for whatever company does them, started doing them. I demand royalties dammit!)
--------------------
The next post should be Part Dos of the look back at my 2019 NFL Predictions: a fond, fair look back at what I got right. That post might top twenty printed pages, I so nailed my picks last year.
And when you haven't nailed anything but an insignificant random one-off in a few years, you compliment yourself for nailing it, every chance you can (rimshot!) ...
And the phone rings.
You say you've gotta get your things together;
You just gotta leave, before you change your mind.
But if you knew
What I was thinking girl?
I'd turn around!
If you'd just ask me one more time ...
Don't fall in love with a dreamer!
'Cause he'll always take you in.
Just when you think you've really changed him?
He'll leave you again!
Don't fall in love with a dreamer!
'Cause he'll break you every time!
So put out the light, and just hold on --
Until we say goodbye! ..."
-- "Don't Fall In Love With a Dreamer" by Kenny Rogers and Kim Carnes. God bless, losing Kenny was a blow, in a year full of them so far ...
--------------------
So, to my KC readers, how are you loving this shelter in place crap?
Personally, I hate it. I may be biased given where I live (I live in this awesome part of Kansas City known as Waldo, for those reading this that aren't familiar with Kansas City), but it's beyond depressing to see The Well has removed the tents ... and nobody's on the rooftop. To see that the Saturday market at Border Star is still open ... but all the sh*t that is usually sold that makes it so worth the trip a few Saturday's a month, isn't available.
It sucks to miss out on $2 margarita night at Chelly's every Monday. $6 burger night at my home away from home (The Well) on Tuesday * . Cheap taco night at Walsh's every Wednesday. Trivia nights at Lew's.
You can't pick a day to enjoy lunch at Tasso's. (The gyro is to kill for.) Or pick a night to enjoy dinner at Waldo Thai Place. (I think it's overpriced -- two solid glasses of pinot plus dinner sets me back fifty solid dollars just for me ... but have been told by chicas with far more competency at determining what a quality dinner costs, that getting out at pushing a (puff daddy voice) benjamin on a date, isn't unreasonable. Probably explains why I'm 43 and woke up alone this morning.)
I hate missing happy hour at Patrick's Bar and No Grill. I literally don't know what to do without my ultimate skillet this morning from Neighborhood Cafe. Hell, this is one of the two times out of the year I'll at least give thought to attending Mass ... only Christ the King is shut down, during Lent for crying out loud.
At least we still have Max's open for business as usual, unchanged and unaffected by all this panic ... but even I can eat a tenderloin only so many times a week.
And as if all the local restaurants, bars and grills that make this part of town so incredible being all but closed isn't craptacular enough, in the last three months, we've lost three shopping destinations / institutions as well -- not to this damnable virus, but lost as in "dead". Dave Smith the Lamp Maker, closed. The Big Lots on Wornall, shut down with pretty much no notice. And the hidden gem a lil' across the state line, the hidden Macy's in Prairie Village nobody seemed to know was there for fifty plus years, is gone-zo now to boot.
Needless to say, my biggest fear, is that Waldo may never recover from this, if it goes on another two months.
I pray that, as I so often am, that I am one hundred percent wrong, in my thoughts on that.
Because having said and noted that?
Glad you asked.
--------------------
(*: back in November, when dad had his latest (and God willing, last) "cardiac event", I took my mom to The Well for lunch on that first day. She demanded I take her back the next day, because "that burger was incredible". I may suck at a lot in life, but I know how to pick a bar worth being a regular at. Especially if food is involved. #barleys #lategreatzigandmacs #twisters #dirtybird #thewell #dailydouble)
--------------------
Every year, I post my NFL Predictions on this site. Since 2008 (when this site was launched), you can go back and review what my thoughts were entering the season. And most years since 2008, you get my weekly NFL predictions as well. (Because (fidelity ad guy voice) why not.)
This past NFL season saw something you rarely if ever see out of me: competency. Solid prognosticating. Thirty nine games over .500 in the regular season straight up. Twelve games above .500 against the spread.
Even in the playoffs, which if we're being honest here is a total crapshoot, I went one game above .500 straight up, and went .500 against the spread. (Texans / Bills was a push.)
Picking the Chiefs, I went 14-5-0 straight up. I went 13-6-0 against the spread. (The one game difference was the game in Detroit back in Week Four.)
Meaning, that for likely the first time in the twelve years I've been making NFL picks on this site, you not only would have earned money simply betting my hunches ... but had you simply wagered a decent amount on my Chiefs beliefs, you'd have broken your bookie. (Or at least shown him a level of love OJ Simpson never once failed, to show Nicole.)
--------------------
But as impressed as I am by my rare display of intelligence (at least weekly this past season) ... I am drop dead on the floor stunned, at my vision when it came to the season long predictions finalized way back on the day this past Chiefs season began.
(Here is your link to the final of the five full season predictions posts; you can access the previous four, at the top of that post.)
I may not believe in -- let alone practice -- much, when it comes to ethics and morality. But I do try to believe in accountability. And so, let's hold me accountable, for what I said would happen, seven months ago, shall we?
Let's begin with the bad and the ugly ... because for once?
There ain't much to report.
--------------------
Here's part of what I mean by "stunning results", even when it's in the "f*ck up and failure" file -- out of 32 teams, 8 of them, my predicted final record was off by three or more games.
That's not surprising, to be frank and honest. But of those eight squads? Three of them I picked to win ten or more games ... which all three did ... and I still was off by three games in each case!
So let's start with the predicted divisional finishes that I whiffed on by two or more spots. (Meaning, I picked them last and finished at least second, or vice versa ... or I picked them first, and they finished third or worse, or vice versa.)
There were only five of these squads, and none of them finished more than two off my projection. (So no "picked to finish last, and they won the division ... or picked to win the division, and they finished in the basement" flame-outs. That's bueno.) And those five are ...
* AFC East: none. In fact, I got the AFC East order of finish 100% correct.
(We'll get to the gloating portion of my picks in the next post, Part Dos ... which will probably be a hell of a lot longer than Part Uno. Note: this almost never, never happens, I'm that crappy of a prognosticator.)
* AFC Norris: Baltimore Ravens. Look it, there is no team in the NFL I was more wrong about than your Baltimore Ravens. I had them finishing third in the AFC Norris ... and to say I whiffed on their final record, well ... keep reading. Again -- there is no team I was more wrong about, than your Baltimore Ravens. Other than possibly ...
* AFC Norris: Cleveland Browns. Like a moron, I bought the hype. I had the Browns winning the AFC Norris at 11-5. They finished third at 6-10.
* AFC South: Tennessee Titans. I picked the Titans to finish dead last ... albeit it at 7-9. The Titans finished in 2nd, at 9-7.
* AFC West: none. A second division I got the order of finish 100% correct. (Stevo patting himself on the back for knowing the division he's lived his life, uuh, living, really well!)
* NFC East: none. I had first and second flip-flopped ... but like with the regular season, I did have the division coming down to the Week Sixteen showdown in Philly.
* NFC Norris: Chicago Bears. I had the Bears winning the division at 10-6. They finished third at 8-8.
* NFC South: none. I bombed on taking a flyer on the "Shane" Falcons ... but they only finished one spot behind my projected finish. (Inside the division, at least.)
* NFC West: Los Angeles Rams. I had them winning the West at 11-5. They finished third at 9-7, the first team out in the NFC.
--------------------
Perhaps even more important than picking a division finish, is picking a final record. (Since after all, most of us reading this wager on the over / under for wins for at least a few squads in (earth wind and fire voice) September.) As noted above, there were eight (out of thirty two) teams I whiffed on the win total for, by at least three games. Five of those eight, I was off by three games exactly. One I was off by four, one I was off by five, and one was, well ... we'll get to them. Let's just say, I was off on them by a lot.
Here are those eight squads ...
* AFC East: none. In many regards, I got no division more accurate in the 2019 season picks. Save for possibly the AFC West.
* AFC Norris: Cleveland Browns. I had the Browns finishing 11-5; they finished five games short of that mark at 6-10.
But let's move on, because there was no team I was more wrong about than ...
* AFC Norris: Baltimore Ravens. I feel like I should haul out a late-night commercial advertisement voice here, because I was wrong by not one! Not two! Not three! Not four!
(Pause).
Sh*t, at this point, I should haul out the classic SNL commercial "Super Colon Blow" voice here ... because five? No, guess again. Six! I'll give you one more chance. Seven!
Not even close.
Because I was nine -- nine! -- games off, from the Ravens final regular season record last season. I said they'd go 5-11. They went 14-2. When you consider that two teams (Titans, Eagles) got in at 9-7 last year? I literally was an entire playoff berth incorrect, on the Ravens record! You could plow that Titans bandwagon through the variance between my predicted wins for the Ravens, and their actual wins ... and still not scrape the garage door tracks on either side, I was so insanely f*cking wrong!
I should be embarrassed by this whiff. When we get to Part Dos, you'll understand why I'm really not that ashamed of it. Because this is the only prediction I truly have reason, to be embarrassed over.
Moving on ...
* AFC South: Jacksonville Jaguars. I had them at 9-7. They finished 6-10. Either way, I had them missing the playoffs, so not a gigantic debacle here.
* AFC West: none. When we get to the next post about what I got right? You'll drool over my knowledge of the Chiefs division, I think.
* NFC East: New York Giants. I had them at 7-9; they finished 4-12. I've predicted worse. (See Ravens, Baltimore.)
* NFC South: Atlanta "Shane" Falcons. Predicted 11-5. Finished 7-9. Whoops.
Finally, as noted farther up above ...
* The NFC Trio (one each from the Norris, South, and West): I had the Green Bay Packers, New Orleans Saints, and San Francisco 49ers all making the playoffs at 10-6.
The good news is, they all did make the playoffs, and all hosted at least one game once they got there!
The problem is, they all finished 13-3, and created one hell of a clusterf*ck to figure out the final NFC seeding (which, to be fair, I predicted said clusterf*ck at 10-6) in real life!
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: ain't we lucky we got 'em? Good Times!!!!!!!
--------------------
So, with the awful divisional picks, and craptacular season records out of the way, there's one last category to explore for f*ckupitude: playoff predictions.
And really, there's three that stand out, from those picks made seven months ago, and man, do they display f*ckupitude (which I guess is now a word?):
* The Cleveland Browns to have AFC Home Field Advantage. And also ...
* The Atlanta "Shane" Falcons to have NFC Home Field Advantage.
Not only did neither team win their division, post a winning record, or gain a playoff berth ... they clearly were not their respective conferences top seeds.
But perhaps my biggest gaffe in the playoff predictions, was taking the Dallas Cowboys to the Super Bowl. In my defense, I can't think of a single credible national (or D/FW local) pundit who thinks the Cowboys lack Super Bowl talent. With Mike McCarthy now in charge on the sideline, they have no excuse to not get there at least once in the next three years.
Because whatever one may think of the Mike McCarthy hire (personal opinion: it's not bad, but Dallas could have -- and should have -- done better ** ), let's ... hell, it's been a few months.
Let's play The Pyramid real quick, to end this post, shall we?
(pre-strokey dick clark voice) ready? Go!
(markie post *** ) Jim Fassel. Mike Martz. "Sur" William Callahan.
(stevo) bad early 2000s coaches!
(markie post) Jim "Corpse" Caldwell. Lovie Smith.
(stevo) god awful black coaches!
(markie post) No. Well, yes, but ... Dan Quinn. gary "krap of" kubiak. Jeff "500" Fisher!
(stevo) worthless white coaches!
(markie post) Uuh ... John Fox. Sean Payton. "Chucky". Tom Coughlin. Mike Holmgren. Mike McCarthy.
(stevo) competent white coaches!
(markie post) Wow ... uuh ... The Harbaugh brothers. "Fat" Andy Reid. Kyle Shanahan. Brian Billick. Barry Switzer!
(stevo) Super Bowl coaches!
(markie post) Yes! Yes! Yes! (hugs all around as the confetti flies ... **** )
Jesus. You look at that list of coaches who have, uuh, coached, in at least one Super Bowl since 1995? No wonder (villiam valton voice) Vill Velichick has made nine of the last eighteen of them, as the AFC's representative. Even I could outcoach some of those fine gentlemen. I'm looking at you, "Sur" William.
--------------------
(**: in case you've forgotten, Mike McCarthy was the Chiefs QB coach from 1995-1998. Meaning he botched the transfer from Montana to Bono, botched the transfer from Bono to Gannon, botched the transfer from Gannon to Grbac, then back to Gannon, then back to Grbac ... basically, the QB position was less stable than the San Andreas fault during his four years coaching the position. And yet somehow, the Chiefs went 42-24 (counting playoffs) with two division titles, in those four years. I guess some coaches really do fail forward!)
(***: so, apparently I was late to the party on this one ... but since this #kclockdown began, I've gotten into "Chicago PD" big time. (I mean, when USA, ION, and (I think) Oxygen devote between them five days a week to showing the, uuh, show, I can get drawn in.) Apparently, Markie Post plays the drop-dead gorgeous Sophia Bush's character's mom -- a drug-addicted crook named Bunny! Who knew! Markie Post is still alive and well, and now is playing a sleazy slutty chick named Bunny! How bleeping awesome is that! Now our kids get to suffer through what she considers to be "acting", like we had to in the 1980s!)
(****: also, I've been mocking "The Pyramid" on this site long before those "free free! free!" commercials for whatever company does them, started doing them. I demand royalties dammit!)
--------------------
The next post should be Part Dos of the look back at my 2019 NFL Predictions: a fond, fair look back at what I got right. That post might top twenty printed pages, I so nailed my picks last year.
And when you haven't nailed anything but an insignificant random one-off in a few years, you compliment yourself for nailing it, every chance you can (rimshot!) ...
Monday, January 13, 2020
the week to come ...
I'll skip the usual theme song and/or video ...
* Sunday, 2:07pm CT, Titans at Chiefs. It is -- and I know this could be said about last year's AFC Title Game too, but whatever -- this is, simply put, THE biggest game of my Chiefs fandom, and I just turned 43 years old.
Because for the first time? The Chiefs have no excuse to lose, one step short of a Super Bowl.
In 1994, they faced the last gasp of the Bills AFC Dynasty ... a gasp that proved successful.
In 2019, they faced the greatest coach / quarterback combo, on arguably their last gasp, with one hell of a tight end to boot ... a gasp that proved successful.
In 2020? They face a fired quarterback, a former Chiefs linebacker turned Titans coach, and a running back that owes Tyrann Mathieu a sh*t ton of back rent.
Sunday, peoples and peepettes? Is going to be the greatest party this fine city has ever thrown. And it is going to be real, and it is going to be spectacular.
* So the plan is a post a day, until GameDay, like last week. (Pause). What? (Pause). You're godd*mned right I'm within shouting distance of Post 1,000! (It's eight away after this one.)
I have half the recap of Sunday done -- I have everything through tailgating, and my thoughts on the second quarter. I still have to deal with the opening quarter debacle, and Eric Fisher channeling his "Stone Cold" Steve Austin so brilliantly (plus a few other things). I hope to have that done tomorrow, but my work schedule is a b*tch right now, so I can only work on this place before or after the job I get paid to do. So it may be Wednesday before that is up. (But it will go up. Sunday needs to be preserved for the ages, if nothing else, from my perspective.)
* If I can chug enough shiraz, I might try to look back at "Fat" Andy Reid's title game performances. Emphasis on "if"; I'm not sure there's enough red wine in the five-county metropolitan area to look back at a 1-5 (so far) mark of abject failure.
* On the other hand, this is "Fat" Andy Reid's seventh conference championship game (five in Philly, two here). To put that into perspective? "Fat" Andy has made as many conference championship games in his twenty one years as a head coach (seven) ... as seasons he has missed the playoffs (seven). So basically, he's a one in three shot to reach a title game when the season kicks off ... and a one in two shot to make it there, if his team is playing in January. That is f*cking incredible.
* I'll just go ahead and ask it, assuming a couple outcomes on Sunday: will Kansas City implode on itself from 2,400,000 plus people simultaneously laughing out loud, when Dee Ford jumping offsides on a 3rd and 4 with 0:39 left, hands the Chiefs a 38-34 victory over the 49ers in the Super Bowl? I mean seriously, can two and a half million people laughing so hard at the same time they (justin timberlake voice) cry (us) a new river through Midtown, cause buildings to collapse? Cause traffic signals and regulations to cease to exist? I really hope we get to find out in twenty days.
* No word yet on a menu and/or game plan for Sunday. Just please be polite to my buddy Andrew coming in for this one. He's about the biggest Titans fan you'll ever meet. He's dropped more for his ticket, than I'm paying for mine. (#stmperks) He's also driving 8 hours in (projected) miserable weather on Friday, to be here. Whatever one may think of "the enemy", you HAVE to respect a dude who is literally risking his job, to be here for his team's shot at a Super Bowl. I'd have done that when I was 25 (like Andrew is ... no wait, he just turned 26, my bad).
I'm not sure I'd do that at 43 ... well hell, of course I would, only thank God Monday is a holiday for us controlled by the accounting, finance, and/or banking industry.
* If I Could Pick The Ceremonial Drummer Sunday, It Would Be Marty Schottenheimer. I know he can't do it physically and mentally (godd*mmit), but he'd be my choice if there was even a 2.49% chance of it working. Having said that, Bill Cowher honoring his greatness Saturday night, when he was notified on the pregame show on CBS that Mr. Cowher had made the Hall of Fame? Moved me to tears.
* Finally, there were two moments from yesterday that made me simply have to (literally) take a seat, because the moment overwhelmed me.
One was during tailgating. (You'll have to wait for the recap ... and at least three of you (possibly? hopefully? drunkenly? Since it involved you) reading this, can guess the moment without even thinking about it * .
The other one?
Was the most underrated moment in yesterday's comeback.
The only person who seems to have noticed it so far, is Bill Barnwell. (As always -- just assume anyone Bill Simmons hired for the late, great Grantland, is way too qualified for their job.)
And that second "I had to sit and think" moment, probably deserves a spot in my all-time "What If Game" moments that is ten years overdue to be updated.
Because "What If Bill O'Brien Uses His Pair and Goes For It On Fourth and One, Instead of Kicking The Gimme Field Goal That Opened Up the Back Door To the Comeback Of The Year?"
--------------------
(*: I apologize for nothing of how I felt, at the four of us realizing, we have been amazing ... (sh*t, I'm tearing up) ... amazing, incredible friends for damned near our entire lives ... well over half of them in all cases ... and that realization, just brought the conversation to a deader silence than you could imagine. Sometimes, you just have to step back and realize ** , how amazing God is, to give us this gift we call "life" ... and more importantly, just give thanks for those of us, He chooses to let us share it with.)
(**: one of my most underrated posts ever.)
-------------------
Until tomorrow, just be you. Unless if it violates criminal law. Then ... don't be me. (Rimshot!)
In all seriousness, just be you.
You are who God made you to be.
And these Chiefs?
Are who God made them to be.
Or at least I hope so ...
* Sunday, 2:07pm CT, Titans at Chiefs. It is -- and I know this could be said about last year's AFC Title Game too, but whatever -- this is, simply put, THE biggest game of my Chiefs fandom, and I just turned 43 years old.
Because for the first time? The Chiefs have no excuse to lose, one step short of a Super Bowl.
In 1994, they faced the last gasp of the Bills AFC Dynasty ... a gasp that proved successful.
In 2019, they faced the greatest coach / quarterback combo, on arguably their last gasp, with one hell of a tight end to boot ... a gasp that proved successful.
In 2020? They face a fired quarterback, a former Chiefs linebacker turned Titans coach, and a running back that owes Tyrann Mathieu a sh*t ton of back rent.
Sunday, peoples and peepettes? Is going to be the greatest party this fine city has ever thrown. And it is going to be real, and it is going to be spectacular.
* So the plan is a post a day, until GameDay, like last week. (Pause). What? (Pause). You're godd*mned right I'm within shouting distance of Post 1,000! (It's eight away after this one.)
I have half the recap of Sunday done -- I have everything through tailgating, and my thoughts on the second quarter. I still have to deal with the opening quarter debacle, and Eric Fisher channeling his "Stone Cold" Steve Austin so brilliantly (plus a few other things). I hope to have that done tomorrow, but my work schedule is a b*tch right now, so I can only work on this place before or after the job I get paid to do. So it may be Wednesday before that is up. (But it will go up. Sunday needs to be preserved for the ages, if nothing else, from my perspective.)
* If I can chug enough shiraz, I might try to look back at "Fat" Andy Reid's title game performances. Emphasis on "if"; I'm not sure there's enough red wine in the five-county metropolitan area to look back at a 1-5 (so far) mark of abject failure.
* On the other hand, this is "Fat" Andy Reid's seventh conference championship game (five in Philly, two here). To put that into perspective? "Fat" Andy has made as many conference championship games in his twenty one years as a head coach (seven) ... as seasons he has missed the playoffs (seven). So basically, he's a one in three shot to reach a title game when the season kicks off ... and a one in two shot to make it there, if his team is playing in January. That is f*cking incredible.
* I'll just go ahead and ask it, assuming a couple outcomes on Sunday: will Kansas City implode on itself from 2,400,000 plus people simultaneously laughing out loud, when Dee Ford jumping offsides on a 3rd and 4 with 0:39 left, hands the Chiefs a 38-34 victory over the 49ers in the Super Bowl? I mean seriously, can two and a half million people laughing so hard at the same time they (justin timberlake voice) cry (us) a new river through Midtown, cause buildings to collapse? Cause traffic signals and regulations to cease to exist? I really hope we get to find out in twenty days.
* No word yet on a menu and/or game plan for Sunday. Just please be polite to my buddy Andrew coming in for this one. He's about the biggest Titans fan you'll ever meet. He's dropped more for his ticket, than I'm paying for mine. (#stmperks) He's also driving 8 hours in (projected) miserable weather on Friday, to be here. Whatever one may think of "the enemy", you HAVE to respect a dude who is literally risking his job, to be here for his team's shot at a Super Bowl. I'd have done that when I was 25 (like Andrew is ... no wait, he just turned 26, my bad).
I'm not sure I'd do that at 43 ... well hell, of course I would, only thank God Monday is a holiday for us controlled by the accounting, finance, and/or banking industry.
* If I Could Pick The Ceremonial Drummer Sunday, It Would Be Marty Schottenheimer. I know he can't do it physically and mentally (godd*mmit), but he'd be my choice if there was even a 2.49% chance of it working. Having said that, Bill Cowher honoring his greatness Saturday night, when he was notified on the pregame show on CBS that Mr. Cowher had made the Hall of Fame? Moved me to tears.
* Finally, there were two moments from yesterday that made me simply have to (literally) take a seat, because the moment overwhelmed me.
One was during tailgating. (You'll have to wait for the recap ... and at least three of you (possibly? hopefully? drunkenly? Since it involved you) reading this, can guess the moment without even thinking about it * .
The other one?
Was the most underrated moment in yesterday's comeback.
The only person who seems to have noticed it so far, is Bill Barnwell. (As always -- just assume anyone Bill Simmons hired for the late, great Grantland, is way too qualified for their job.)
And that second "I had to sit and think" moment, probably deserves a spot in my all-time "What If Game" moments that is ten years overdue to be updated.
Because "What If Bill O'Brien Uses His Pair and Goes For It On Fourth and One, Instead of Kicking The Gimme Field Goal That Opened Up the Back Door To the Comeback Of The Year?"
--------------------
(*: I apologize for nothing of how I felt, at the four of us realizing, we have been amazing ... (sh*t, I'm tearing up) ... amazing, incredible friends for damned near our entire lives ... well over half of them in all cases ... and that realization, just brought the conversation to a deader silence than you could imagine. Sometimes, you just have to step back and realize ** , how amazing God is, to give us this gift we call "life" ... and more importantly, just give thanks for those of us, He chooses to let us share it with.)
(**: one of my most underrated posts ever.)
-------------------
Until tomorrow, just be you. Unless if it violates criminal law. Then ... don't be me. (Rimshot!)
In all seriousness, just be you.
You are who God made you to be.
And these Chiefs?
Are who God made them to be.
Or at least I hope so ...
Monday, December 23, 2019
chiefs week seventeen rooting interests
"Oh come, all ye faithful,
Joyful and triumphant.
Oh come ye, oh come ye
To Bethlehem.
Come and behold Him!
Born the King of Angels!
Oh come let us adore Him!
Oh come let us adore Him!
Oh come let us adore Him!
Christ! The Lord!!! ..."
-- "O Come, All Ye Faithful". If I've said it once, I've said it at least four thousand times: Indy will never be the same, without Jim and Flo ...
--------------------
In the AFC, the only seeds locked in are the first (Ravens) and the fifth (Bills). Our Chiefs can finish anywhere from second to fourth. The Patriots can finish second or third. The Texans can finish third or fourth.
And barring something unforeseen at this point, the sixth seed (and hopeful likely possible sacrificial lamb to the Chiefs to open the postseason) will be earned not on the field ... but via strength of victory tiebreaker. Not even I could have drawn up something so spectacular for Week Seventeen, like what we've got: a very realistic four team parlay to get the raiders into the playoffs.
In the words of the Zac Brown Band: "life is good today. Life is good today!"
Here is where we stand entering the regular season finale:
And here, for the final time in 2019, are your Chiefs Rooting Interests.
* Biggest Game: Dolphins at Patriots (Sunday, noon CT, CBS). I really thought the Bills were gonna do it Saturday night. Alas, they fell one score short, keeping the Patriots locked into the two slot, and the bye that comes with it ... for now.
To clinch the two seed and the bye, all the Patriots have to do, is something they have done every season for ten years and counting: score (at least) one more point in Foxboro, than the Dolphins do.
Look it, I'm not optimistic the Dolphins can do this. For cocktails, the Patriots have already beaten the Dolphins by forty three points in Miami. For appetizers, the Dolphins haven't beaten a team with a winning record (whoops: Philly is now 8-7!), and nearly p*ssed away a twenty five point lead with seven minutes to play yesterday to the worst team in football. For the main course, the Patriots never lose divisional games at home. And for dessert, the last time the Dolphins won in Foxboro, Matt Effing Cassel started for the Patriots.
I see no sane, rational reason to hope for anything positive to happen here.
And yet, this is the first domino that has to fall, to sort out the AFC. Because if the Patriots do what anyone with an IQ above that of a corpse expects them to do on Sunday (namely, get up 24-0 at halftime), then decisions have to be made at Arrowhead (in real time) and NRG Reliant (an hour or so later), regarding Patrick "Mahomes" of the Chiefs and Deshaun Watson. And those decisions -- especially the one Bill O'Brien will be making shortly after 3pm Sunday -- are going to affect a lot of team's playoff hopes and chances. To say nothing of their own team's seeding hopes and chances.
Root For: Dolphins. Duh. Just don't get your hopes up. Remember, the Chiefs absolute rock-bottom, worst case scenario, is hosting Buffalo next week. (Well, actually, our absolute rock-bottom, worst case scenario is hosting Buffalo next week with Chad Henne under center, but let's all hope and pray that doesn't happen.)
We're playing at least once in January for the fifth straight year, and playing at least once in January at home, for the fifth straight year as well. (Assuming you count the 2015 regular season finale as a January home game, and since it was played on my 39th birthday, you're damned right I count it. Also, my 44th birthday will be the regular season finale next season. Let's all hope and pray it's against those people at Arrowhead.)
* Second Biggest Game: Titans at Texans (Sunday, 3:25pm CT, CBS). This game has huge ramifications for the Chiefs, no matter what happens in our game. If the Chiefs win Sunday, then they can do no worse than the three seed, leaving the Texans with nothing to play for but pride ... and to knock Tennessee out of the playoffs, which matters because if the playoffs started today, the kryptonite known as the Titans would be our first opponent. The Chiefs have lost five straight to the Titans, most in embarrassing fashion (including six weeks ago in Nashville).
Conversely, if the Chiefs lose on Sunday, then Houston is playing for the three seed, and a chance to avoid the vs Buffalo / at Baltimore draw that they have little shot of surviving. (The Ravens already destroyed the Texans by five touchdowns last month ... although for what it's worth, I think Buffalo is a paper tiger, a 1995 Detroit Lions. Teams are fearing them for no credible reason.)
* Root For: Texans. I think. I'm basing that on my belief that the Chiefs will take care of business against the Chargers on Sunday * . That, and the only team in the entire AFC field that truly terrifies me is the Texans ** . I'd rather host them in the Title Game, than have to go down there, should we meet up on MLK Weekend.
(*: how weird is it, that if the Chiefs lose Sunday, they'll finish 4-4 at home? For all the talk about Terrorhead, it's been very, very ordinary this season. (Pause). Of course, the flip is that the Chiefs went 7-1 on the road (the only loss by three in Nashville), which is probably a good thing when you'll likely have to win twice on the road, to get to Miami *** .)
(**: yes, I mean that. The ONLY playoff (or possible playoff) team the AFC has to offer that scares me, is the Texans. Because we know they can win at Arrowhead. They did it two months ago. We know Lamar Jackson can't handle us in peak bat-sh*t crazy crowd form. We know we can beat Tom Brady anywhere. (Or lose to him anywhere as well, but whatever.) The ONLY AFC squad that terrifies me, is Houston ... because Deshaun Watson is that damned good.)
(***: go ahead, sing it. "Pat Mahomes! Take Me Home! To the Place! We Belong! Kansas City! To Miami! Take Me Home! Pat Mahomes!" Whoever wrote this is a f*cking genius. "Franchise QBs? Changing Like the Leaves! Huddled At the Goalline? Shouting "Let's Go Chiefs!" Pat Mahomes! Oh Take Me Home! To the Place! We Belong! Kansas City! To Miami! **** Take Me Home! Pat Mahomes!" Absolute genius.)
(****: also, if the Royals victory parade drew 800,000 people (or one out of every three that live in the KC Metro area), then brace for three million, come the first Tuesday in February, 2020, to flood Penn Valley Park and every available inch of space surrounding it, if the Chiefs win up winning their final ten games this season. (Pause). What? (Pause). Good point -- their final nine games, if the Dolphins pull off the impossible on Sunday.)
(**: yes, I mean that. The ONLY playoff (or possible playoff) team the AFC has to offer that scares me, is the Texans. Because we know they can win at Arrowhead. They did it two months ago. We know Lamar Jackson can't handle us in peak bat-sh*t crazy crowd form. We know we can beat Tom Brady anywhere. (Or lose to him anywhere as well, but whatever.) The ONLY AFC squad that terrifies me, is Houston ... because Deshaun Watson is that damned good.)
(***: go ahead, sing it. "Pat Mahomes! Take Me Home! To the Place! We Belong! Kansas City! To Miami! Take Me Home! Pat Mahomes!" Whoever wrote this is a f*cking genius. "Franchise QBs? Changing Like the Leaves! Huddled At the Goalline? Shouting "Let's Go Chiefs!" Pat Mahomes! Oh Take Me Home! To the Place! We Belong! Kansas City! To Miami! **** Take Me Home! Pat Mahomes!" Absolute genius.)
(****: also, if the Royals victory parade drew 800,000 people (or one out of every three that live in the KC Metro area), then brace for three million, come the first Tuesday in February, 2020, to flood Penn Valley Park and every available inch of space surrounding it, if the Chiefs win up winning their final ten games this season. (Pause). What? (Pause). Good point -- their final nine games, if the Dolphins pull off the impossible on Sunday.)
* Third Biggest Game: Steelers at Ravens (Sunday, noon CT, CBS). John Harbaugh came out today and said he was resting his starters. I still don't think it'll matter. They'll easily handle the Steelers, to eliminate them from postseason consideration ***** .
(*****: of the three wild card contenders, I believe the Titans are the only one who can lose, and still get in (if everybody else loses too). If the raiders lose, they are officially done. (Ditto if the Colts lose -- more on them momentarily.) If the Steelers lose, I believe they're also toast, because the Titans and raiders both hold Strength of Victory tiebreaker over them.
Oh, and as for the "wait, how are the Colts out of it at 7-8 but the raiders are in it at 7-8" question, this one I do know, because it is essentially how the Chiefs got in, in 2006, via the Immaculate Fourfecta in Week Seventeen. The Colts reaching 8-8 and tying the Titans at 8-8 eliminates Tennessee via divisional record (you eliminate within the division first). It's why the Colts have to win, to get the raiders in; otherwise, the Titans would finish a game ahead of Indy, and render a divisional tiebreaker meaningless. Also, how f*cking awesome are NFL tiebreakers!!!! Not even fifteen year old me had this (brett voice) vivid of an imagination.)
Oh, and as for the "wait, how are the Colts out of it at 7-8 but the raiders are in it at 7-8" question, this one I do know, because it is essentially how the Chiefs got in, in 2006, via the Immaculate Fourfecta in Week Seventeen. The Colts reaching 8-8 and tying the Titans at 8-8 eliminates Tennessee via divisional record (you eliminate within the division first). It's why the Colts have to win, to get the raiders in; otherwise, the Titans would finish a game ahead of Indy, and render a divisional tiebreaker meaningless. Also, how f*cking awesome are NFL tiebreakers!!!! Not even fifteen year old me had this (brett voice) vivid of an imagination.)
Root For: Ravens. Chaos, kids. Chaos. Also, there's a high likelihood we're going to get a Paxton Lynch sighting on Sunday afternoon for the Steelers. Remember kids -- those people traded up to get him four years ago, and he couldn't beat out trevor siemian, who couldn't beat out "Brave" Brock Osweiler.
(Please, those people -- never fire the antichrist. So long as horse face is running your franchise, the only place you're going, is to a deeper layer of hell itself.)
Other Rooting Interests.
* Jets at Bills (Sunday, noon CT, CBS): Jets. #firegase #righteffingnow Also, allow me to say, Buffalo does not frighten me, like it does a lot of people. I would much rather face the Bills than the Titans. But man, am I hoping and praying the opener is the raiders (if we have to play on Wild Card weekend).
* Browns at Bengals (Sunday, noon CT, CBS): riots in the stands amongst the fans ****** Browns. The Bengals have already clinched the top pick in each round of The Draft.
(******: Sam Wyche is the best.)
(******: Sam Wyche is the best.)
* Colts at Jaguars (Sunday, 3:25pm CT, CBS): Colts. If Indy loses, the dream of raiders at Chiefs next Saturday night drops dead. And I'm not going to be happy, if the only reason I'm deprived of my dream playoff match up, is because a Jags team that quit in training camp rallies to "win one for Marrone". (Pause). Oh who am I kidding. Colts big, peoples and peepettes. The Colts won't screw this up.
* raiders at those people (Sunday, 3:25pm CT, CBS): terrorist attack raiders. It's all there for you oakland. You will take the field -- no matter what happens in the noon window -- still alive for the playoffs. Just do your part, and trust the rest to work itself out.
After all, in the words of Stevo's Site Numero Dos' Official Color Commentator (Emeritus), the legendary Dan Dierdorf: "we've seen it before!"
(Well, not quite -- the Chiefs only needed eight outcomes across two weeks to reach the playoffs thirteen years ago. The raiders need nine. We got our eight. They've gotten the first five. C'mon raider nation -- you can do this!)
--------------------
And with that, the rooting interests posts for 2019 are over. This season went by way too fast. (Then again, all of 2019 went by way too fast.)
To everyone reading this: all the best this Chrismukkah season to you and yours, whoever and wherever you are. Hug the hell out of those you love; smile politely and chug that pinot grigio as you tolerate those you don't.
And spoil the hell out of the kids -- naughty, nice, or (like me) straddling the line between the two on a daily basis.
Take a few minutes to remember why this amazing holiday exists.
(Other than Woodstock, Linus was always my favorite.)
And above all -- hey!
(sgt. esterhaus voice) Let's be careful out there ...
(Well, not quite -- the Chiefs only needed eight outcomes across two weeks to reach the playoffs thirteen years ago. The raiders need nine. We got our eight. They've gotten the first five. C'mon raider nation -- you can do this!)
--------------------
And with that, the rooting interests posts for 2019 are over. This season went by way too fast. (Then again, all of 2019 went by way too fast.)
To everyone reading this: all the best this Chrismukkah season to you and yours, whoever and wherever you are. Hug the hell out of those you love; smile politely and chug that pinot grigio as you tolerate those you don't.
And spoil the hell out of the kids -- naughty, nice, or (like me) straddling the line between the two on a daily basis.
Take a few minutes to remember why this amazing holiday exists.
(Other than Woodstock, Linus was always my favorite.)
And above all -- hey!
(sgt. esterhaus voice) Let's be careful out there ...
Friday, December 20, 2019
the week sixteen picks
"Oh Holy Night.
The stars are brightly shining.
It is the night?
Of our Dear Savior's birth.
Long lay the world,
In sin and error pining.
'Til He appeared,
And the soul? Felt its' worth.
The thrill of hope!
A weary world rejoices!
For yonder breaks?
A new and glorious morn'!
Fall on your knees!
Oh hear the angels' voices!
Oh Night Divine!
Oh Night! When Christ was born!
Oh Night!
Divine!
Oh Night!
Oh Night Divine! ..."
-- "O Holy Night", my favorite religious Christmas song, and nothing else comes within a manger's distance of it, for that distinction ...
--------------------
(Note up front: this week's picks are going to be the picks, the picks, and (almost) nothing but the picks, pontification, and prognostication.
There's still a (not very) solid 22.56% chance I will make Soldier Field Sunday night. So I'm trying to ram these through in the hopes that my Monday looks better come Saturday by lunchtime, than it currently does on Friday night, at dinner time.
(Pause).
I swear, I miss the good ol' days, when my former boss Mary would just blindly sign off on any Chiefs related PTO, under the "hey, you wanna waste your money on worthless sh*t, be my guest! Just so long as I get to laugh at you after your Chiefs lose!" policy we had in place for the first half, of the 2000s.
(Pause).
Rams fans. Still annoying as hell itself, twenty years and a return to LA, later ...)
--------------------
The Statisticals.
(Note: no Week Ten Picks were submitted due to real-life issues that trumped posting them.)
Last Week SU: 10-6-0.
Season to Date SU: 124-86-1. Clinched a winning season!
Last Week ATS: 6-9-1.
Season to Date ATS: 111-96-4. Almost cliched a profitable season!
Last Week Upset / Week: three and a half points short of a cover!
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 7-9-0. (Pause). Yeah, gotta pull a Chris Berman, and load up on as many underdogs as it takes next week, to reach .500!
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 9-7-0. (Pause). On second thought, I might not pull a Chris Berman, as I've already loaded up on enough underdogs, to secure .500!
This Week Upset / Week: Browns (+10) over Ravens.
--------------------
The Non-Chiefs Picks.
* at Bucs (+3) 31, Texans 24. Root for abject chaos for the six seed kids. Abject chaos.
* Bills (+6 1/2) 24, at Patriots 13. This line is drunker than a whore house rat when half of the Navy is on leave. (Pause). What? (Sighing in disgust). Fine -- this line is drunker than me on a typical Tuesday.
Seriously, Vegas -- you're saying this Patriots team, right now, would be favored IN Buffalo?
A Patriots team that barely survived the Eagles, should have lost to the Cowboys, and has been taken the woodshed, bent over, and given the business up the poop chute by the Ravens, Chiefs, and Texans in the last six weeks?
In the words of the late, (not) great Nell Carter: "gimme a break!"
* Rams (+6 1/2) 31, at 49ers 20. 2019 49ers = 2013 Chiefs. Enjoy losing to an inferior team on the road, because you drop five of seven to end the season, guys. As ... wow, and I picked this song as the theme back then for part dos heaven's sake! ...
... as Luke Bryan would note: "been there, done that".
* at "Shane" Falcons (-7) 24, Jaguars 14. I wouldn't fire Dan Quinn. Then again, the Chiefs play the "Shane" Falcons in Arrowhead last year ... so absolutely, I wouldn't fire Dan Quinn, if I was Arthur Blank.
* at Titans (+2) 34, Saints 31 (OT). Titans at Texans ... or 49ers at Seahawks for your Week Seventeen finale?
Either way, as Nick Bakay would note: we're all winners here.
* at Redskins (-1) 3, Giants 0. Only two more weeks of "Sur" William Callahan guaranteed to be a part of our lives. Here's hoping Bruce Allen brings in Jim "Cock O' The Walk!at" Rose to conduct the exit interview.
* at Jets (+3 1/2) 31, Steelers 20. This is going to finally be the game that justifies my drafting Le'Veon Bell with my first non-keeper pick.
Unfortunately for team tito, it comes at least five weeks too late to matter.
(Seriously -- that team went 5-8-0! How? How?)
* at Dolphins (+1) 13, Bengals 10. How in the name of everything considered to be holy, are the Bengals FAVORED? On the road to boot? (Pause). Yeah, I'm not laying out a cent on this one.
* at Colts (-6 1/2) 31, Panthers 20. Abject chaos for the six seed only happens if Indy wins out. You can do it Colts! Beat a crappy Panthers team starting Will Grier, then beat a Jags team that is cleaning house! You can do it Colts!
* at Browns (-10) 34, Ravens 21. Why the NFL is so awesome -- both current one seeds (Seahawks, Ravens), face the very real possibility they made slide as low as the three (Ravens) or the five (Seahawks) over the next ten days. (tony bruno voice) Beautiful.
* at those people (-7) 24, Lions 14. Patrick "Mahomes" of the Chiefs is now 5-0 against those people. Including 3-0 inside the eighth layer of hell itself. (robert wagner voice) Spectacular.
* raiders (+7 1/2) 31, at "Super" Chargers 21. This one is a pick of the heart ... and the head.
The heart, because I have enough friends that are raiders fans, that I want them to have a glimmer of hope for Week Seventeen.
The head ... because a raiders win, coupled with Colts and Jets wins, would keep the raiders alive entering Week Seventeen, which means "Super" Chargers at Chiefs would get moved back to 3:25pm (to sync up with raiders at those people), ensuring an extra three, four hours of sleep next Saturday night for this rapidly aging dude.
I'm all about the 3:25 or 7:20 kickoffs at this point, kids. Sleep is a good thing!
* Cowboys (-2) 34, at Eagles 31 (OT). FOX had to have protected this game. That's the sole and only justification, for not flexing Chiefs at Bears out of prime time, and putting this one in.
FOX had to have protected this one. And justifiably so! The winner of this game is going to beat whatever unlucky team loses the NFC West, probably on Saturday night of Wild Card weekend. This should be the best game of the weekend. The rare one that lives up to the hype.
* at Seahawks 31, "Super" Cardinals (+9 1/2) 24. Could be a sneaky good late afternoon alternative to America's Game O' The Week from the Fake Vet.
* Packers (+5 1/2) 38, at Vikings 24. Are you sh*tting me? Kirk Cousins -- 0-8 all time on "Monday Night Football", is nearly a touchdown favorite, without Dalvin Cook?
I'm not sure what makes me laugh more: Aaron Rodgers' State Farm commercials with Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs", or Aaron Rodgers looking at this line, and contemplating wagering a game check on the absurdity of it.
(Note: I have no proof Mr. Rodgers would do that ... but if I was Mr. Rodgers, I would. This line is indefensible. You mean to tell me Aaron Rodgers can't keep this within a field goal, against a quarterback who has no business leading a credible Super Bowl contender? (keyshawn johnson voice) C'mon Man!)
--------------------
Normal (and Occasional) Blurbs Skipped This Week.
* The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
* Stevo Neighborhood Update.
* Stevo Drink O' The Week.
* "The Flashback".
* "The Poem".
* "Disreputable" Mexican Food Truck Update.
--------------------
The Tailgating Plans.
If I am able to attend Sunday night, the tailgate will occur on my cousin Juli's front porch, before we all head way too close to Lake Michigan after the sun goes down, to take in the game.
I can live with that.
(Note: my cousin, her husband, and their two kids are all Bears Season Ticket Holders. Much respect to them.)
The Watching Party Plans.
If I am not able to attend Sunday night, the Watching Party will occur at McFadden's, with the usual crew, and the usual cash allotment from those fine folks.
--------------------
The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.
Picking the Chiefs This Season:
* Straight Up: 9-5-0 (L at Jaguars, W at raiders, W vs Ravens, W at Lions, L vs Colts, L vs Texans, W at those people, L vs Packers, W vs Vikings, L at Titans, W at "Super" Chargers, W vs raiders, W at Patriots, W vs those people).
* Against the Spread: 8-6-0 (L at Jaguars, W at raiders, W vs Ravens, L at Lions, L vs Colts, L vs Texans, W at those people, L vs Packers, W vs Vikings, L at Titans, W at "Super" Chargers, W vs raiders, W at Patriots, W vs those people).
--------------------
Again -- it's Chrismukkah, so every post on this site has a Christmas theme to it at this time of the year ... but come on.
If we're playing in Chicago?
There's only one true theme, a kid my age can pick.
And please -- sing along. Because God knows I'm going to:
--------------------
"Standing Tall!
On the wings of my dream!
(I'll) Rise and fall!
On the wings of my dream!"
--------------------
This has been one crazy ass month for me.
I've seen my dad survive his (at last count) fourth "cardiac event" of this millennium. (This one with a guarantee another one won't happen for ten years! (Pause). Yeah, right. Also, this is why you got no Week Ten picks.)
I spent one amazing night of friendship with four friends who have (somehow!) never once failed to have my back when I've needed it -- and God knows, I've needed it, over the years. You regulars to this site know who they are -- "The Voice of Reason". "bts". "Jasson".
And whatever the f*ck we have to nickname Tim as.
("Another Brick In The Wall"? Or is that too obvious? I always try to keep the "guilty" around here, as anonymous as I can.)
--------------------
I've spent a weekend (and one long-overdue epic man hug) with my best friend from college, who I hadn't seen in almost a decade, prior to last month. A simple "hey, it's our bye week -- are the Stars in town?" text that exploded over the next fifteen minutes into "the guest room is yours!" plan confirmations.
(Note: if you knew Vineet? You'd get how amazing this reunion was ... and how impossible it once seemed.)
I saw the only hockey team I give a sh*t about, win an overtime shootout against the only hockey team I irrationally hate.
On the way back from that epic roadie to see Vineet and the Stars, I stopped off in H'Ville to see Brett and Shannon, two friends I certainly don't deserve, and haven't seen since the Spring Race at the Speedway back in 2017. Three hours and a few cocktails later, it's like we'd never gone three years between seeing each other.
(Note: so f*cking awesome. (fist pump!))
I welcomed my buddy Drey (who's had the roughest year imaginable) and his new squeeze, along with "Sir" Thomas and his better half, for an epic raider weekend that was incredible.
I had lunch with my former boss from Transamerica, seeing her in person for the first time in pushing twelve years, a couple weeks ago. Twelve years, and it's like nothing had changed. She still mocking what I define as a "work ethic"; me still mocking her infatuation with every hot-as-hell dude who worked in our department other than me.
Oh yeah -- ain't we lucky we got 'em?
Good Times!!!!!!
And then last Sunday ...
--------------------
I spent an epic eight, nine hours in the snow, watching those people get their ass handed to them by the team I irrationally love, five days ago.
(Note: the recap is still coming. Some things, you have to spend quality time on, to get them to come out right. This is one of those things. (Pause). Unlike this post, which is about as half-assed as it gets around here.)
The finality of that epic event, played out on Monday, when "Uncle" Bob, "Cousin" Chase, "Not Sure Who You Are" Pat, my Second Parents, and I, braved the elements (still cold! Still snowing! Still KC in December!) to have a lunch together at Jack Stack down on the Plaza.
The view was so cool -- snow falling, as you look out the window onto North Ward Parkway, staring at the gorgeous Country Club Bank building, and the awesome hotels and apartments across Brush Creek. (Seriously -- Kansas City in the snow -- especially The Plaza -- is so damned beautiful, you'd think Five Seconds of Summer was singing about it.)
And it was as we toasted another successful Chiefs game, another successful season, another successful visit from my Jersey friends, that it finally hit me.
(Pause).
I am the luckiest son of a (not even remotely a) b*tch?
On earth.
Because I deserve?
Nothing that I have, love, and enjoy.
--------------------
So your pick for this week, is * Chiefs (-6) 27, at Bears 3.
But my wish for y'all this week?
Is to realize how amazing this life, God Himself gave us?
Is.
Realize that thousands of years ago, a Higher Power gave enough of a sh*t about us, to send His Son, to take upon Him every f*ck up, failure, mistake, and indefensible decision we've ever made ... and let us get away with it.
Please -- never forget that.
And if you doubt it, or forget it?
Please -- your life is worth it.
Even if you doubt it is.
--------------------
Despite that Holy Night?
Sometimes, the world looks perfect,
With no need to re-arrange.
But because of that Holy Night?
No matter what the odds are this time?
Nothing (has) to stand in your way.
And because of that Holy Night?
Every dark street?
Has a light at the end!
--------------------
To everyone reading this, I wish you nothing but the best, this Chrismukkah season. I hope, and sincerely pray, that God above grants you everything you truly and honestly desire (if not need) in the year to come.
Because if you're reading this?
Then God loves you more, than I ever could.
And given how I feel about most of y'all reading this?
That's saying something.
--------------------
And as always -- please!
(sgt. esterhaus voice) Be careful out there ...
(Pause).
F*ck yeah -- he said "behooves us" ...
The stars are brightly shining.
It is the night?
Of our Dear Savior's birth.
Long lay the world,
In sin and error pining.
'Til He appeared,
And the soul? Felt its' worth.
The thrill of hope!
A weary world rejoices!
For yonder breaks?
A new and glorious morn'!
Fall on your knees!
Oh hear the angels' voices!
Oh Night Divine!
Oh Night! When Christ was born!
Oh Night!
Divine!
Oh Night!
Oh Night Divine! ..."
-- "O Holy Night", my favorite religious Christmas song, and nothing else comes within a manger's distance of it, for that distinction ...
--------------------
(Note up front: this week's picks are going to be the picks, the picks, and (almost) nothing but the picks, pontification, and prognostication.
There's still a (not very) solid 22.56% chance I will make Soldier Field Sunday night. So I'm trying to ram these through in the hopes that my Monday looks better come Saturday by lunchtime, than it currently does on Friday night, at dinner time.
(Pause).
I swear, I miss the good ol' days, when my former boss Mary would just blindly sign off on any Chiefs related PTO, under the "hey, you wanna waste your money on worthless sh*t, be my guest! Just so long as I get to laugh at you after your Chiefs lose!" policy we had in place for the first half, of the 2000s.
(Pause).
Rams fans. Still annoying as hell itself, twenty years and a return to LA, later ...)
--------------------
The Statisticals.
(Note: no Week Ten Picks were submitted due to real-life issues that trumped posting them.)
Last Week SU: 10-6-0.
Season to Date SU: 124-86-1. Clinched a winning season!
Last Week ATS: 6-9-1.
Season to Date ATS: 111-96-4. Almost cliched a profitable season!
Last Week Upset / Week: three and a half points short of a cover!
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 7-9-0. (Pause). Yeah, gotta pull a Chris Berman, and load up on as many underdogs as it takes next week, to reach .500!
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 9-7-0. (Pause). On second thought, I might not pull a Chris Berman, as I've already loaded up on enough underdogs, to secure .500!
This Week Upset / Week: Browns (+10) over Ravens.
--------------------
The Non-Chiefs Picks.
* at Bucs (+3) 31, Texans 24. Root for abject chaos for the six seed kids. Abject chaos.
* Bills (+6 1/2) 24, at Patriots 13. This line is drunker than a whore house rat when half of the Navy is on leave. (Pause). What? (Sighing in disgust). Fine -- this line is drunker than me on a typical Tuesday.
Seriously, Vegas -- you're saying this Patriots team, right now, would be favored IN Buffalo?
A Patriots team that barely survived the Eagles, should have lost to the Cowboys, and has been taken the woodshed, bent over, and given the business up the poop chute by the Ravens, Chiefs, and Texans in the last six weeks?
In the words of the late, (not) great Nell Carter: "gimme a break!"
* Rams (+6 1/2) 31, at 49ers 20. 2019 49ers = 2013 Chiefs. Enjoy losing to an inferior team on the road, because you drop five of seven to end the season, guys. As ... wow, and I picked this song as the theme back then for part dos heaven's sake! ...
... as Luke Bryan would note: "been there, done that".
* at "Shane" Falcons (-7) 24, Jaguars 14. I wouldn't fire Dan Quinn. Then again, the Chiefs play the "Shane" Falcons in Arrowhead last year ... so absolutely, I wouldn't fire Dan Quinn, if I was Arthur Blank.
* at Titans (+2) 34, Saints 31 (OT). Titans at Texans ... or 49ers at Seahawks for your Week Seventeen finale?
Either way, as Nick Bakay would note: we're all winners here.
* at Redskins (-1) 3, Giants 0. Only two more weeks of "Sur" William Callahan guaranteed to be a part of our lives. Here's hoping Bruce Allen brings in Jim "Cock O' The Walk!at" Rose to conduct the exit interview.
* at Jets (+3 1/2) 31, Steelers 20. This is going to finally be the game that justifies my drafting Le'Veon Bell with my first non-keeper pick.
Unfortunately for team tito, it comes at least five weeks too late to matter.
(Seriously -- that team went 5-8-0! How? How?)
* at Dolphins (+1) 13, Bengals 10. How in the name of everything considered to be holy, are the Bengals FAVORED? On the road to boot? (Pause). Yeah, I'm not laying out a cent on this one.
* at Colts (-6 1/2) 31, Panthers 20. Abject chaos for the six seed only happens if Indy wins out. You can do it Colts! Beat a crappy Panthers team starting Will Grier, then beat a Jags team that is cleaning house! You can do it Colts!
* at Browns (-10) 34, Ravens 21. Why the NFL is so awesome -- both current one seeds (Seahawks, Ravens), face the very real possibility they made slide as low as the three (Ravens) or the five (Seahawks) over the next ten days. (tony bruno voice) Beautiful.
* at those people (-7) 24, Lions 14. Patrick "Mahomes" of the Chiefs is now 5-0 against those people. Including 3-0 inside the eighth layer of hell itself. (robert wagner voice) Spectacular.
* raiders (+7 1/2) 31, at "Super" Chargers 21. This one is a pick of the heart ... and the head.
The heart, because I have enough friends that are raiders fans, that I want them to have a glimmer of hope for Week Seventeen.
The head ... because a raiders win, coupled with Colts and Jets wins, would keep the raiders alive entering Week Seventeen, which means "Super" Chargers at Chiefs would get moved back to 3:25pm (to sync up with raiders at those people), ensuring an extra three, four hours of sleep next Saturday night for this rapidly aging dude.
I'm all about the 3:25 or 7:20 kickoffs at this point, kids. Sleep is a good thing!
* Cowboys (-2) 34, at Eagles 31 (OT). FOX had to have protected this game. That's the sole and only justification, for not flexing Chiefs at Bears out of prime time, and putting this one in.
FOX had to have protected this one. And justifiably so! The winner of this game is going to beat whatever unlucky team loses the NFC West, probably on Saturday night of Wild Card weekend. This should be the best game of the weekend. The rare one that lives up to the hype.
* at Seahawks 31, "Super" Cardinals (+9 1/2) 24. Could be a sneaky good late afternoon alternative to America's Game O' The Week from the Fake Vet.
* Packers (+5 1/2) 38, at Vikings 24. Are you sh*tting me? Kirk Cousins -- 0-8 all time on "Monday Night Football", is nearly a touchdown favorite, without Dalvin Cook?
I'm not sure what makes me laugh more: Aaron Rodgers' State Farm commercials with Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs", or Aaron Rodgers looking at this line, and contemplating wagering a game check on the absurdity of it.
(Note: I have no proof Mr. Rodgers would do that ... but if I was Mr. Rodgers, I would. This line is indefensible. You mean to tell me Aaron Rodgers can't keep this within a field goal, against a quarterback who has no business leading a credible Super Bowl contender? (keyshawn johnson voice) C'mon Man!)
--------------------
Normal (and Occasional) Blurbs Skipped This Week.
* The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
* Stevo Neighborhood Update.
* Stevo Drink O' The Week.
* "The Flashback".
* "The Poem".
* "Disreputable" Mexican Food Truck Update.
--------------------
The Tailgating Plans.
If I am able to attend Sunday night, the tailgate will occur on my cousin Juli's front porch, before we all head way too close to Lake Michigan after the sun goes down, to take in the game.
I can live with that.
(Note: my cousin, her husband, and their two kids are all Bears Season Ticket Holders. Much respect to them.)
The Watching Party Plans.
If I am not able to attend Sunday night, the Watching Party will occur at McFadden's, with the usual crew, and the usual cash allotment from those fine folks.
--------------------
The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.
Picking the Chiefs This Season:
* Straight Up: 9-5-0 (L at Jaguars, W at raiders, W vs Ravens, W at Lions, L vs Colts, L vs Texans, W at those people, L vs Packers, W vs Vikings, L at Titans, W at "Super" Chargers, W vs raiders, W at Patriots, W vs those people).
* Against the Spread: 8-6-0 (L at Jaguars, W at raiders, W vs Ravens, L at Lions, L vs Colts, L vs Texans, W at those people, L vs Packers, W vs Vikings, L at Titans, W at "Super" Chargers, W vs raiders, W at Patriots, W vs those people).
--------------------
Again -- it's Chrismukkah, so every post on this site has a Christmas theme to it at this time of the year ... but come on.
If we're playing in Chicago?
There's only one true theme, a kid my age can pick.
And please -- sing along. Because God knows I'm going to:
--------------------
"Standing Tall!
On the wings of my dream!
(I'll) Rise and fall!
On the wings of my dream!"
--------------------
This has been one crazy ass month for me.
I've seen my dad survive his (at last count) fourth "cardiac event" of this millennium. (This one with a guarantee another one won't happen for ten years! (Pause). Yeah, right. Also, this is why you got no Week Ten picks.)
I spent one amazing night of friendship with four friends who have (somehow!) never once failed to have my back when I've needed it -- and God knows, I've needed it, over the years. You regulars to this site know who they are -- "The Voice of Reason". "bts". "Jasson".
And whatever the f*ck we have to nickname Tim as.
("Another Brick In The Wall"? Or is that too obvious? I always try to keep the "guilty" around here, as anonymous as I can.)
--------------------
I've spent a weekend (and one long-overdue epic man hug) with my best friend from college, who I hadn't seen in almost a decade, prior to last month. A simple "hey, it's our bye week -- are the Stars in town?" text that exploded over the next fifteen minutes into "the guest room is yours!" plan confirmations.
(Note: if you knew Vineet? You'd get how amazing this reunion was ... and how impossible it once seemed.)
I saw the only hockey team I give a sh*t about, win an overtime shootout against the only hockey team I irrationally hate.
On the way back from that epic roadie to see Vineet and the Stars, I stopped off in H'Ville to see Brett and Shannon, two friends I certainly don't deserve, and haven't seen since the Spring Race at the Speedway back in 2017. Three hours and a few cocktails later, it's like we'd never gone three years between seeing each other.
(Note: so f*cking awesome. (fist pump!))
I welcomed my buddy Drey (who's had the roughest year imaginable) and his new squeeze, along with "Sir" Thomas and his better half, for an epic raider weekend that was incredible.
I had lunch with my former boss from Transamerica, seeing her in person for the first time in pushing twelve years, a couple weeks ago. Twelve years, and it's like nothing had changed. She still mocking what I define as a "work ethic"; me still mocking her infatuation with every hot-as-hell dude who worked in our department other than me.
Oh yeah -- ain't we lucky we got 'em?
Good Times!!!!!!
And then last Sunday ...
--------------------
I spent an epic eight, nine hours in the snow, watching those people get their ass handed to them by the team I irrationally love, five days ago.
(Note: the recap is still coming. Some things, you have to spend quality time on, to get them to come out right. This is one of those things. (Pause). Unlike this post, which is about as half-assed as it gets around here.)
The finality of that epic event, played out on Monday, when "Uncle" Bob, "Cousin" Chase, "Not Sure Who You Are" Pat, my Second Parents, and I, braved the elements (still cold! Still snowing! Still KC in December!) to have a lunch together at Jack Stack down on the Plaza.
The view was so cool -- snow falling, as you look out the window onto North Ward Parkway, staring at the gorgeous Country Club Bank building, and the awesome hotels and apartments across Brush Creek. (Seriously -- Kansas City in the snow -- especially The Plaza -- is so damned beautiful, you'd think Five Seconds of Summer was singing about it.)
And it was as we toasted another successful Chiefs game, another successful season, another successful visit from my Jersey friends, that it finally hit me.
(Pause).
I am the luckiest son of a (not even remotely a) b*tch?
On earth.
Because I deserve?
Nothing that I have, love, and enjoy.
--------------------
So your pick for this week, is * Chiefs (-6) 27, at Bears 3.
But my wish for y'all this week?
Is to realize how amazing this life, God Himself gave us?
Is.
Realize that thousands of years ago, a Higher Power gave enough of a sh*t about us, to send His Son, to take upon Him every f*ck up, failure, mistake, and indefensible decision we've ever made ... and let us get away with it.
Please -- never forget that.
And if you doubt it, or forget it?
Please -- your life is worth it.
Even if you doubt it is.
--------------------
Despite that Holy Night?
Sometimes, the world looks perfect,
With no need to re-arrange.
But because of that Holy Night?
No matter what the odds are this time?
Nothing (has) to stand in your way.
And because of that Holy Night?
Every dark street?
Has a light at the end!
--------------------
To everyone reading this, I wish you nothing but the best, this Chrismukkah season. I hope, and sincerely pray, that God above grants you everything you truly and honestly desire (if not need) in the year to come.
Because if you're reading this?
Then God loves you more, than I ever could.
And given how I feel about most of y'all reading this?
That's saying something.
--------------------
And as always -- please!
(sgt. esterhaus voice) Be careful out there ...
(Pause).
F*ck yeah -- he said "behooves us" ...
Monday, December 9, 2019
chiefs week fifteen rooting interests
"Last Christmas?
I gave you my heart!
But the very next day?
You gave it away!
This year?
To save me from tears?
I'll give it to someone?
Special ..."
-- "Last Christmas" by Wham!
--------------------
It's here! It's bleeping here!
My favorite week of the NFL season has arrived, culminating at approximately 12:02pm CT on Sunday, when the Chiefs and those people face off on the sacred, hallowed grounds of Arrowhead Stadium.
And the beauty of this year's contest is that not only have the Chiefs already clinched a spot in (garth brooks voice) the dance * ... they can officially eliminate those people from postseason consideration!
Embrace the hate!
In the meantime, here are your AFC Standings through Week Fourteen, and a look ahead at which games matter most to Chiefs fans, and who we should be rooting for in those games ...
(*: that one's for you, Sir Thomas. Merry Chrismukkah!)
Week Fifteen Chiefs Rooting Interests.
* Biggest Game: Jets at Ravens (Thursday, 7:20pm CT, FOX / NFLN). Hear me out on this.
I think the odds the Patriots lose once down the stretch are slim and none, and slim is a bigger underdog than KU Football on its' worst day. (Namely: huge.) The Pats close at Bengals ** / vs Bills (Sat) / vs Dolphins. I highly doubt the Patriots lose any of those games.
Conversely, the Ravens close against a feisty Jets squad still playing hard for proven retard adam gase, then have to travel to Cleveland (who already destroyed the Ravens in Baltimore), before closing against a Steelers team that is highly likely to be in a "win and you're in" position for that game.
It is far, far, far more conceivable that the Ravens lose two, than the Patriots lose one.
There's also this: the Jets may be officially eliminated from this thing, but they're going to play a huge role in not only who gets in (they host the Steelers next week in the LeVeon Bell Bowl ... which frankly, is better than half the bowls announced yesterday, but whatever), but what seed they'll get, if they get in.
Root For: say it with me kids. (Fireman Ed voice) J! E! T! S! Jets! Jets! Jets! For four hours Thursday night, do what I have to damned near every week: convince yourself Sam Darnold isn't Browning Nagle Junior. Convince yourself adam gase shouldn't be mandated by court order to wear a drool guard and helmet at all times due to his abject f*cking stupidity. Convince yourself Le'Veon Bell was worth every penny of the $50 some odd million dollars the Jets doltish ownership whizzed away on him eight months ago. Convince yourself missing Jamal Adams is not a problem. Just ...
Oh, who am I kidding.
Just do what I do watching every Jets game: drink yourself into a blind stupor, and ignore reality.
(**: of all people, it was Tom Brady who Tweeted out "We're on to Cincinnati" this morning. That is hilarious.)
* Second Biggest Game: Texans at Titans (Sunday, noon CT, CBS). First, a Stevo's Site Numero Dos' sincere thank you to those people, for doing the impossible: making Deshaun Watson look like an occupant of a clown car, inside of NRG Reliant. Their 38-24 upset of the Texans (in a game that wasn't even that close; it was 38-10 before a couple garbage time touchdowns by Houston) moved the Chiefs into the three seed, and according to the stat dudes and dudettes at the New York Times, has given the Chiefs a 62% chance of a bye if they win out.
Conversely, the Texans loss, coupled with the Titans blowout victory at the Real Black Hole (one more week until it rests in hell for eternity), ensures the AFC South is going to go to the wire.
Because Houston and Tennessee play twice, in the last three weeks, beginning Sunday in Nashville.
This is gonna be one hell of a fight to the finish. Because I firmly believe either team is capable of losing 42-13 in a wild card game ... and perfectly capable of going into Baltimore, New England, or Kansas City, and pulling the upset. (Remember -- both the Texans and Titans have already beaten the Chiefs this season, the Texans doing it at Arrowhead. And both faced Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs", so there's no asterick attached to either victory.)
Root For: Titans. I think. I know the Texans are the better team, even if half the time they don't play like it. (See last week against those people.) I'm firmly convinced the Chiefs would win a rematch with Tennessee, and probably win it handily, especially if it is at Arrowhead. I'm not as convinced the Chiefs would beat Houston. Also, the Titans host the Saints next week, while the Texans visit the Bucs. I'd love to see both teams at 9-6 entering the finale, because that would almost assuredly mean one of them isn't making the playoffs. Because ...
* Third Biggest Game: Bills at Steelers (Sunday, 7:20pm CT, NBC). Sssshhhhh. Very quietly, peoples and peepettes, the Steelers are in a rock star position right now. If the Ravens lose on Thursday night, and the Steelers hold serve at home against Buffalo? There's a damned good probability Steelers at Ravens is not only a "win and you're in" game ... but that it will decide who is in as the Norris champ, and who is in as the Wild Card. (The Ravens have already clinched a wild card berth at worst; their magic number for the division is one.)
Conversely, the Bills are in a rot-gut position. They do control their own destiny for the postseason, but getting there won't be easy -- they close at Steelers / at Patriots / vs Jets. To quote Stevo's Site Numero Dos' Official Color Commentator (Emeritus), the legendary Dan Dierdorf: it would "behoove" the Buffalo Bills, to win this game.
Also, there's a very strong probability the loser of this game, will open the postseason at Arrowhead. Call me crazy ... but I'd rather face the best Buffalo has to offer, than anything the Steelers bring to the table.
* Root For: Steelers. Chaos, folks, chaos. That's what you root for. I want a six way clusterf*ck at 9-7 for the two wild cards. (Still very possible, and here's how: the Bills lose out, this week's Sunday Nighter is the last game the Steelers win, the Browns and raiders and Colts win out, and the loser of the AFC South loses two of three down the stretch.)
Admit it -- that'd make for one fun, final Sunday.
Other Rooting Interests:
* Patriots at Bengals: Bengals. It ain't gonna happen ... but root like hell for it anyway.
* Jaguars at raiders: Jaguars. A raiders loss all but officially eliminates the raiders from postseason consideration. That's something worth popping open a bottle of M&R to celebrate.
* Colts at Saints: Saints. A Colts loss all but officially eliminates the Colts from postseason consideration. That's at least worth popping open a bottle of Cook's to celebrate.
* Browns at "Super" Cardinals: "Super" Cardinals. A Browns loss all but officially eliminates the Browns from postseason consideration. That's not worth even popping a bottle of Andre's open to celebrate.
* Vikings at "Super" Chargers: "Super" Chargers. The one divisional rival all but assured to be drafting a quarterback in round one next April. I want them to get as middle-of-the-pack mediocre a draft pick as possible, if only to force them to expend draft capital to move up for whatever quarterback they target.
* Dolphins at Giants: Dolphins. See previous paragraph, except replace "divisional rival" with "conference foe".
Until later this week -- hey! (sgt. esterhaus voice) Let's be careful out there ...
I gave you my heart!
But the very next day?
You gave it away!
This year?
To save me from tears?
I'll give it to someone?
Special ..."
-- "Last Christmas" by Wham!
--------------------
It's here! It's bleeping here!
My favorite week of the NFL season has arrived, culminating at approximately 12:02pm CT on Sunday, when the Chiefs and those people face off on the sacred, hallowed grounds of Arrowhead Stadium.
And the beauty of this year's contest is that not only have the Chiefs already clinched a spot in (garth brooks voice) the dance * ... they can officially eliminate those people from postseason consideration!
Embrace the hate!
In the meantime, here are your AFC Standings through Week Fourteen, and a look ahead at which games matter most to Chiefs fans, and who we should be rooting for in those games ...
(*: that one's for you, Sir Thomas. Merry Chrismukkah!)
Week Fifteen Chiefs Rooting Interests.
* Biggest Game: Jets at Ravens (Thursday, 7:20pm CT, FOX / NFLN). Hear me out on this.
I think the odds the Patriots lose once down the stretch are slim and none, and slim is a bigger underdog than KU Football on its' worst day. (Namely: huge.) The Pats close at Bengals ** / vs Bills (Sat) / vs Dolphins. I highly doubt the Patriots lose any of those games.
Conversely, the Ravens close against a feisty Jets squad still playing hard for proven retard adam gase, then have to travel to Cleveland (who already destroyed the Ravens in Baltimore), before closing against a Steelers team that is highly likely to be in a "win and you're in" position for that game.
It is far, far, far more conceivable that the Ravens lose two, than the Patriots lose one.
There's also this: the Jets may be officially eliminated from this thing, but they're going to play a huge role in not only who gets in (they host the Steelers next week in the LeVeon Bell Bowl ... which frankly, is better than half the bowls announced yesterday, but whatever), but what seed they'll get, if they get in.
Root For: say it with me kids. (Fireman Ed voice) J! E! T! S! Jets! Jets! Jets! For four hours Thursday night, do what I have to damned near every week: convince yourself Sam Darnold isn't Browning Nagle Junior. Convince yourself adam gase shouldn't be mandated by court order to wear a drool guard and helmet at all times due to his abject f*cking stupidity. Convince yourself Le'Veon Bell was worth every penny of the $50 some odd million dollars the Jets doltish ownership whizzed away on him eight months ago. Convince yourself missing Jamal Adams is not a problem. Just ...
Oh, who am I kidding.
Just do what I do watching every Jets game: drink yourself into a blind stupor, and ignore reality.
(**: of all people, it was Tom Brady who Tweeted out "We're on to Cincinnati" this morning. That is hilarious.)
* Second Biggest Game: Texans at Titans (Sunday, noon CT, CBS). First, a Stevo's Site Numero Dos' sincere thank you to those people, for doing the impossible: making Deshaun Watson look like an occupant of a clown car, inside of NRG Reliant. Their 38-24 upset of the Texans (in a game that wasn't even that close; it was 38-10 before a couple garbage time touchdowns by Houston) moved the Chiefs into the three seed, and according to the stat dudes and dudettes at the New York Times, has given the Chiefs a 62% chance of a bye if they win out.
Conversely, the Texans loss, coupled with the Titans blowout victory at the Real Black Hole (one more week until it rests in hell for eternity), ensures the AFC South is going to go to the wire.
Because Houston and Tennessee play twice, in the last three weeks, beginning Sunday in Nashville.
This is gonna be one hell of a fight to the finish. Because I firmly believe either team is capable of losing 42-13 in a wild card game ... and perfectly capable of going into Baltimore, New England, or Kansas City, and pulling the upset. (Remember -- both the Texans and Titans have already beaten the Chiefs this season, the Texans doing it at Arrowhead. And both faced Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs", so there's no asterick attached to either victory.)
Root For: Titans. I think. I know the Texans are the better team, even if half the time they don't play like it. (See last week against those people.) I'm firmly convinced the Chiefs would win a rematch with Tennessee, and probably win it handily, especially if it is at Arrowhead. I'm not as convinced the Chiefs would beat Houston. Also, the Titans host the Saints next week, while the Texans visit the Bucs. I'd love to see both teams at 9-6 entering the finale, because that would almost assuredly mean one of them isn't making the playoffs. Because ...
* Third Biggest Game: Bills at Steelers (Sunday, 7:20pm CT, NBC). Sssshhhhh. Very quietly, peoples and peepettes, the Steelers are in a rock star position right now. If the Ravens lose on Thursday night, and the Steelers hold serve at home against Buffalo? There's a damned good probability Steelers at Ravens is not only a "win and you're in" game ... but that it will decide who is in as the Norris champ, and who is in as the Wild Card. (The Ravens have already clinched a wild card berth at worst; their magic number for the division is one.)
Conversely, the Bills are in a rot-gut position. They do control their own destiny for the postseason, but getting there won't be easy -- they close at Steelers / at Patriots / vs Jets. To quote Stevo's Site Numero Dos' Official Color Commentator (Emeritus), the legendary Dan Dierdorf: it would "behoove" the Buffalo Bills, to win this game.
Also, there's a very strong probability the loser of this game, will open the postseason at Arrowhead. Call me crazy ... but I'd rather face the best Buffalo has to offer, than anything the Steelers bring to the table.
* Root For: Steelers. Chaos, folks, chaos. That's what you root for. I want a six way clusterf*ck at 9-7 for the two wild cards. (Still very possible, and here's how: the Bills lose out, this week's Sunday Nighter is the last game the Steelers win, the Browns and raiders and Colts win out, and the loser of the AFC South loses two of three down the stretch.)
Admit it -- that'd make for one fun, final Sunday.
Other Rooting Interests:
* Patriots at Bengals: Bengals. It ain't gonna happen ... but root like hell for it anyway.
* Jaguars at raiders: Jaguars. A raiders loss all but officially eliminates the raiders from postseason consideration. That's something worth popping open a bottle of M&R to celebrate.
* Colts at Saints: Saints. A Colts loss all but officially eliminates the Colts from postseason consideration. That's at least worth popping open a bottle of Cook's to celebrate.
* Browns at "Super" Cardinals: "Super" Cardinals. A Browns loss all but officially eliminates the Browns from postseason consideration. That's not worth even popping a bottle of Andre's open to celebrate.
* Vikings at "Super" Chargers: "Super" Chargers. The one divisional rival all but assured to be drafting a quarterback in round one next April. I want them to get as middle-of-the-pack mediocre a draft pick as possible, if only to force them to expend draft capital to move up for whatever quarterback they target.
* Dolphins at Giants: Dolphins. See previous paragraph, except replace "divisional rival" with "conference foe".
Until later this week -- hey! (sgt. esterhaus voice) Let's be careful out there ...
Sunday, December 8, 2019
week fourteen: the first ...
"Noel! Noel! Noel! Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!
The first Noel
The angels did say?
Was to certain poor shepherds,
In fields where they lay.
In fields where they
Lay keeping their sheep.
On a cold winter's night?
That was so deep.
Noel! Noel! Noel! Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!
They looked up?
And saw a star!
Shining in the east!
Beyond and far!
And to the herd?
It gave great light!
And so it continued
Both day and night!
Noel! Noel! Noel! Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!
Despite the light
Of that same star?
Three wise men came
From country far!
To seek for a King?
Was their intent!
And to follow that star?
Wherever it went!
Noel! Noel! Noel! Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!
Born is the King?
Of Israel!!! ..."
-- "The First Noel", and say what you want, I effing love this version of it ...
--------------------
The Statisticals.
(Note: no Week Ten picks were submitted due to real-life issues that trumped posting them.)
Last Week SU: 9-7-0.
Season to Date SU: 106-72-1.
Last Week ATS: 9-7-0.
Season to Date ATS: 98-80-1.
Last Week Upset / Week: forgot to pick one.
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 7-7-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 8-6-0.
This Week's Upset / Week: Redskins (+12 1/2) over Packers. I'm riding the "Sur" William Callahan pony baby! Even if said pony looks like this.
--------------------
The Non-Chiefs Picks.
* My Thursday night pick was at Bears (+3) 24, Cowboys 14. (dierks bentley voice) Am I the only one who wants a 6-10 "Sur" William Callahan-led Washington Redskins division championship? I'm not? Sweet!
* at Bills (+5) 27, Ravens 20. Arguably the biggest home game Buffalo has hosted since Mike Mularkey whizzed away a wild card berth to close 2004.
* Redskins (+12 1/2) 26, at Packers 20. I can't wait to have 5-10 Washington at 6-9 Dallas flexed to prime time in Week Seventeen, to determine who hosts 13-3 San Francisco to open the postseason. Party like it's 2010 all over again people!
* at Texans (-9) 35, those people 13. T Minus Ten Days until #thedayilivefor. #ryanleafjunior
* at Saints (-2 1/2) 31, 49ers 24. Toughest game to pick on the board. And there's a lot of good ones to try to figure out this week.
* at Browns (-7 1/2) 34, Bengals 10. If the Browns win out, I think they'll get in. And for what it's worth, I think the Browns are going to win out.
* at "Shane" Falcons (-3) 41, Panthers 3. For what it's worth, I wouldn't have fired "Riverboat" Ron. Also, for what it's worth, I wouldn't have fired Scott Pioli, nor his successor John Dorsey, either. So clearly, I'm intellectually challenged.
* at Vikings (-13) 52, Lions 10. If more than 2% of the country gets this game, then someone at FOX has failed to provide quality programming to the viewing masses.
* at Jets (-5 1/2) 6, Dolphins 0. Do you trust either of these teams to score a touchdown? Because I don't. Also -- #firegase #f*ckingnow #please
* Colts (+3) 31, at Bucs 20. Are you sh*tting me? The Bucs are favored? This line is more intoxicated or stoned than me on a typical Tuesday. The Colts save their season (temporarily) with a win here. Because always -- always! -- root for #chaos for the six seed. If not also the five seed.
* at Jaguars (+3) 31, "Super" Chargers 13. (Pause). Yeah, gotta. *
(dick clark voice) ok, first subject ... GO!
(markie post voice) Blake Bortles. Trent Dilfer. Kordell Stewart.
(stevo voice) God awful AFC quarterbacks!
(markie post voice) No! Well, yes, but ... jake plummer. dick gannon. Andrew Luck.
(stevo voice) Decent AFC QBs who retired too soon!
(markie post voice) Patrick Mahomes. phyllis rivers.
(stevo voice) QBs who have started only one AFC Title Game in the last twenty years!
(markie post voice) YES! YES! YES!!!
(hugs all around).
Blake Bortles has accomplished as much lasting, uuh, accomplishment, as phyllis rivers has. Sh*t, even The Sanchize started TWO AFC Title Games! (In a row to boot!)
Never stop being the "Super" Chargers, guys. Please. It's nut-enducing enough that those people will be the division's doormat until I'm fifty. (Note: I'm 42 ... almost 43.) Seeing the most overrated franchise in the NFL now staring a massive rebuild in the face after literally p*ssing away rivers' entire career, while trying to find fifteen people to buy a $100 PSL to watch them? To quote Teri Hatcher's "Seinfeld" character: this is real, and it is spectacular!
(*: seriously, look at the first fifteen, sixteen seconds of that clip, and tell me you don't immediately think "holy sh*t, Markie Post is naked!" And then tell me your next reaction isn't to grab a trash can and vomit repeatedly, at realizing you just thought of a nude Markie Post. Also, you milennials who have no idea who Markie Post is? Hit your knees and thank your Risen Lord and Savior, you've been spared from that "knowledge".)
* at "Super" Cardinals (+2 1/2) 31, Steelers 20. It's high damned time Steelers fans shout "f*ck!" when Duck plays.
* at raiders (+2 1/2) 24, Titans 20. Sensational matchup. The winner has the inside track for the six seed, especially if it's the raiders. The Titans still control their own destiny in the AFC South, entering this one. Just a sensational matchup.
* at Rams (PK) 34, Seahawks 31 (OT). I have a sneaky suspicion this one might wind up being the best game of the season. Both teams need this one desperately -- the Seahawks right now hold home field advantage, the Rams are one behind the Vikings (who still have to play the Packers) for the last spot in the (hootie johnson voice) toonumunt.
Seriously, NFL schedule dude -- what a week of games you've given us! Cowboys / Bears to open the week (both teams in it, but struggling to stay afloat). 49ers / Saints as the FOX main game. Ravens / Bills as the CBS early; Chiefs / Patriots as the CBS National, then Seahawks / Rams as the night cap. And we get 209 year old Eli Manning in his likely final appearance to shut the week down! Great job, NFL schedule dude! Great job!
* at Eagles 22, Giants (+9 1/2) 14. Whatever one may think of Eli Manning (and I'm neutral on him, unlike his brother), I hope he gets at least one more win, on his way out the door. Also, an Eagles win here, likely ensures KC at Chicago gets flexed OUT of Sunday night in Week Sixteen, and Cowboys at Eagles gets flexed IN. This matters to me. I'll go to a noon game in Chicago. There ain't a chance in hell I'll go to a 7:20 kickoff three days before Christmas on Lake Michigan. If I'm gonna freeze my ass off, it'll be at Arrowhead, thank you very much.
--------------------
The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
(stevo sighing a deep disgusted, uuh, sigh of, uuh, disgust).
Ladies and gentlemen, the Klueless Kaptain of "Kannot Find His Khakis", at his most klueless and kompletely kracked:
I'm not sure who was more kareless with their station's approach to the Khiefs: "No Khaki" Kev ... or Angela Riccona, the dumb f*ck broad who edited the Tyreek Hill tape for KCTV5. (And somehow is still employed!)
Ol' Kietz? You pretty much single handedly kost your station its konnection with the Khiefs. They didn't pull the plug on 810 because of Soren Petro or The Border Patrol, you klueless knob. They pulled the plug because of you. And even Khad Boeger sh*t kanning your ass, couldn't stop the Khiefs from (kredibly and kompletely justifiably) eliminating 810 as a broadcast partner of the franchise.
Please, fellow readers, make me one promise: with the sole and only exception of the 2020 Presidential Election (because I will not vote to re-elect the President) ... if you ever katch me making these delusional and utterly devoid of reality statements out there on the Internet, please, promise me you'll send the nice gentlemen in white koats to my house, to take me to my new home at a mental institution. That's all I ask. Thanks in advance.
Now back to the kolumn.
--------------------
The Tailgating Plans.
There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is not a Chiefs game I will be in attendance for. But God (and my work schedule, and the good folks at Capital One and Security Bank) willing, this is the last Chiefs game I will not be in attendance for, this year.
--------------------
The Watching Party Plans.
We will be at the Homegate at McFadden's down in Power and Light. I plan to be there by 2pm at the latest to ensure we get our corner spot next to the "stress relieving" ski-ball games. (Which are right to your, uuh, right, as you walk in the door off Grand.)
We're expecting fifteen at last count, and that number will probably rise. We have the built in $300 credit, plus the "VIP Experience" I won at the "Super" Chargers Monday nighter (which consists of two trays of wings, plus two rounds of beers for everyone in my party. (Pause). Yeah, McFadden's may file for bankruptcy by Monday morning.)
As always, anyone and everyone who desires to come out will be welcomed and wanted. And if, like me, you're cheap and don't desire to pay for parking? Then you can either (a) ride The Bus out, or (b) do what I do -- park in the lot just north of the College Basketball Hall of Fame. That lot doesn't charge on the weekends, and it's an easy in/out if you're headed any direction but north (construction issues).
Feel free to join in, if you so desire!
--------------------
Stevo Drink O' The Week.
So last Wednesday, before heading out to my brother's for our family's Thanksgiving bash, I went to a happy hour for my buddy Charles, who I've worked with for a couple years now, and has decided to head home to the Philippines while he figures out what he wants to do with life.
We went to Ollie's on 31st and Gillham (which, in the interest of full disclosure, is one of my favorite bars in Kansas City). And they have this special there called "The Working Man's Friend".
Any beer you want -- tap, bottle, or can -- plus any shot you want, for $5 plus tax.
Not since Jerry and Paul were running the bar at the late, great Quinton's in Waldo, has booze flowed so freely, for so cheap. (Note: this might be why the late, great Quinton's in Waldo, didn't make it. That, or I drank them out of business. (Pause). Yeah, probably the latter.)
So that's my Drink O' The Week: Coors Banquet coupled with Jim Beam Fire. Sweet merciful baby Jesus, is that one potent combo, that I have yet to regret (maureen mcgovern voice) the morning after!
--------------------
Stevo Neighborhood Update.
It's been a quiet week in South Waldo. I'll take it.
--------------------
"Disreputable" Mexican Food Truck Update.
Nothing on said "disreputable" food truck ... but. But!
We heard on Sunday through a fellow tailgater, than on Monday nights after a Chiefs victory (and I would assume on Tuesday's, if the Chiefs play on Monday), that Hereford House has half price prime rib -- pick your size.
Monday night's Chiefs Kingdom Show was at the HyVee on Noland and 40. My Second Parents and I went to that, and got a few cool pic's with KPass (who is humongous in person folks -- my God. The dude could start at center for 92.47% of all basketball teams. I mean, I'm only 5'11" on a good day, 6'1" in drag ... but Jesus. He was AT LEAST 6'6". AT LEAST. And built like a tank. Damn.)
Anyway, after the Kingdom Show, we decided to check out if the rumor was true, and went to the Hereford House out in Independence.
Folks? (Pause). Hang on. I have to do this right. Mr. Former Vice President?
(joe biden voice) Folks! This deal is better than black kids admiring my leg hair from afar! A three letter word -- hair!
Thank you sir. And please -- for the dignity of the nation, get the f*ck out of the race, ASAFP.
Anyways, the rumor was true! A sixteen ounce prime rib (made to order), your choice of potato, and a salad as well, for less than $20! (Sadly, no Paul Bunyan hats were thrown in for the kids ... although there weren't any kids there, so who knows; maybe they would have.)
As Mona noted: "we can each buy a freaking bottle of wine, plus dinner, and still come in less than the prime rib normally is!"
Yes. Yes, we could.
And yes. Yes, we did.
When I got home on Monday, I called my dad to tell him about the deal, and his exact response was ... well, classic "this man knows me better than I know myself":
"So, we're going in two weeks, after (the Chiefs) beat the crap out of denver?"
Yes. Yes, we are.
And I'm willing to be (spanish voice) muy generoso enough?
To let the ol' man pay for it.
--------------------
The Flashback.
--------------------
The Chiefs Pontification and Prediction.
Predicting the Chiefs This Season:
Straight Up: 7-6-0 (L at Jaguars, W at raiders, W vs Ravens, W at Lions, L vs Colts, L vs Texans, W at those people, L vs Packers, W vs Vikings, L at Titans, W at "Super" Chargers, W vs raiders).
Against the Spread: 6-7-0 (L at Jaguars, W at raiders, W vs Ravens, L at Lions L vs Colts, W vs Texans, W at those people, L vs Packers, W vs Vikings, L at Titans, W at "Super" Chargers, L vs raiders).
--------------------
(the "congregation") (restlessly shifting)
("pastor" stevo) (clearing his throat)
Let's begin.
--------------------
If I hadn't chosen (like I usually do), to have a Christmas song as the theme to every December post, this week's theme would have been "Don't Mean Nothing" by Richard Marx * .
Because the lyrics so perfectly fit, what (might) be coming today:
"Welcome to the big time!
You're bound to be a star!
And even if you don't go all the way?
You know that you'll go far!
This race is for rats;
It can turn you upside down!
'Cause there ain't no one you can count on?
In this sleazy little town!
Oh no!
Lots of promises made in the dark!
Oh no!
(But) don't you open your heart!
'Cause it don't mean nothing!
The words that they say!
It don't mean nothing!
These games that people play!
It don't mean nothing --
No victim! No crime!
It don't mean nothing?
'Til you sign it on the dotted line ..."
--------------------
(*: if you have SiriusXM on Demand (specifically, the SiriusXM app), you have to -- absolutely have to! -- listen to the Thanksgiving special with Richard Marx **, available on demand on 80s on 8.
Also, "Don't Mean Nothing" seems to work far, far better than "Should've Known Better" (which is Mr. Marx's *** funniest one-liner on this epic sixty minute concert). (The exact quote: (marx) So I get told all the time by people that "oh! I played your song as my first dance (at the wedding)! And I always respond, "Should've Known Better"? (rimshot!)) I may not be right about a lot ... but I'm pretty sure I'm right about both of those facts.
And double also: how the f*ck did I go this long, without another * in this post?)
(**: "Endless Summer Nights" is the best song he ever recorded. That, or "Angelia". With "Hazard" in contention. Sorry, seventh grade Stevo -- "Right Here Waiting" and "Hold On To The Night" don't stand the test of time. No matter how great those skating parties at the ol' school Skateland at 103rd and the Overland Parkway were ...)
(***: Mr. Marx **** is married to Daisy Fuentes. (Pause). Yeah -- utter brilliance.)
(****: also, I irrationally love Richard Marx, in case you don't grasp it ... and will never apologize for it. The man is the most prolific song writer since the immortal Carole King and Gerry Goffin were nailing it, ten years before I was born. I swear to Christ, if Mr. Marx had written "Bye Bye Bye"? I'd probably bow down and worship the man. To say nothing of my "song writing bastardization" of "I Want It That Way". #ed #ward #hoch #u #li)
--------------------
I spent yesterday Christmas shopping. Like many of you, I use Amazon for some of the gifts I, uuh, give, because (a) I can be lazy as hell when an entertaining as hell game like Baylor / OU is on, and (b) some stuff just isn't available here in Kansas City, that I'd like to give.
But I also spent a large chunk of my Saturday actually shopping. As in, I got my ass in New Tito, drove to a store, and purchased in person what I wanted. I went to The Plaza. Spent some (barely) earned money at Rally House. Hit up Charlie Hustle. Went to Crown Center. Hit up Sportibles and Hall's (you're welcome, mom) and the Crayola Store (hey now! I have nieces under the age of ten. They still appreciate a good chalk set to decorate the driveway with! That, and God forbid western Johnson County have a subdivision with a color in it other than grey, brown, or a shade of grey or brown. Thank God I live in Waldo, where color exists, and not just in the color of the skin of your neighbors. (ed mcmahon voice) Hey yo!)
I couldn't help myself -- at one point, I grabbed a coffee from Panera, sat at a table, and watched the kiddos enjoying the hell out of the Ice Chateau, in the shadow of this year's incredible Mayor's Christmas Tree. (Hey, it was pushing sixty here yesterday. Sixty in December! It's like I never left Texas behind!)
And go figure, many of the conversations I overheard, were about today's game. Specifically, the belief that this is the one. This is when the Chiefs finally overcome the beast that is the New England Patriots.
It took damned near all I had in me, to keep from laughing.
Because peoples and peepettes?
We've slain the beast before. In their own layer of hell to boot!
And it didn't mean nothing.
--------------------
If there is a comedic lining to Sunday, it is that next week the Patriots play ... at the Bengals. So we might get a few quality "we're on to Cincinnati" jokes out of Bill Belichick in the post-game presser. (And God above, I pray we do. Even I would laugh out loud, if that happens, win or lose.)
Because five years ago, in what has to still remain as the (start to the) greatest forty eight hour period of Kansas City sports history, the Chiefs flogged the Patriots like they were Reverend Sharpton's government mule, 44-14, a day before this happened. *
(It's just a shame we didn't win by 40, to take the Reverend's acreage he's always b*tching about, to boot.)
I never got around to recapping that Monday night game (I know -- shocker), but one thing still sticks with me five years later: the Triple T's.
Tomorrow Trumps Tonight.
The 2014 Chiefs blew the Patriots out of the building that amazing September night.
They failed to reach the playoffs. The Patriots lost to those people in the AFC Title Game.
--------------------
(*: gun to my head, it's the second best post I've ever, uuh, posted. Only trumped by this one.)
--------------------
Go back to The Flashback above. The 2005 Chiefs destroyed the Patriots. The 26-16 final doesn't even begin to note what an ass kicking that game was. (This was also the game where Jared Allen's blue Cadillac with the bullhorns made its first postgame appearance. I miss the Boomer Grigsby years, always.)
The 2005 Chiefs failed to reach the playoffs. The Patriots lost to those people, in the AFC Divisional Round.
--------------------
All you really have to do, is go back two seasons, to the 2017 opener. Granted, you give "Fat" Andy an extra three hours to prepare, he'll outscheme your best. Giving him eight months to prep for this one seems like cruel and unusual punishment, which is what Kareem Hunt and "Sir" Alex Smith and the Chiefs delivered that amazing Thursday night, a 42-27 beatdown that set the table for the 5-0 start to the 2017 season.
The 2017 Chiefs then lost six of seven, before rallying to make the playoffs ... and crap out to a god-awful Titans team, that fired its coach, for the apparently, uuh, uuh, fireable offense, of beating the Chiefs in January.
The Patriots lost arguably the greatest Super Bowl ever to the Eagles, four months after that opener.
--------------------
Even in defeat to these guys in recent history, it's never been by more than a score (with one exception). Consider:
* 2000: at Patriots 30, Chiefs 24. One of the worst Monday Night Football games ever -- two also rans clogging the prime time schedule.
* 2002: at Patriots 41, Chiefs 38 (OT). One of the funnest games in Chiefs history, rallying from down 21 in the fourth quarter, tying the game as time expired ... only to lose the coin flip, and the game.
* 2004: Patriots 27 at Chiefs 19. Another Monday night dud, this time in November. This defeat all but eliminated the 2004 Chiefs from postseason consideration. (The following week's loss to the "Super" Chargers did officially do that.)
* 2008: at Patriots 17, Chiefs 10. Perhaps best known as the game Bernard Pollard ended Tom Brady's season. Of course, Patriots gonna Patriot, so of course they send us the backup who filled in after the season, to head our team -- Matt Cassel. Let's move on before #sobersaturday turns into #sloshedsunday before the sun rises.
* 2011: at Patriots 34, Chiefs 3. A third Monday night sh*tfest. What is it with these two teams, and Monday night, that never adds up right? Also, I fear I am recycling some eight year old material. I apologize. (readers / one republic voice) It's too late ...
* 2015: at Patriots 27, Chiefs 20 (AFC Divisional Round). (hall and oates * voice) So close! So close! Yet so far away!
(*: again, we all know he's G. E. Smith, right?)
* 2018: at Patriots 43, Chiefs 40. The third best game from 2018.
* 2018: Patriots 37, Chiefs 31 (OT; AFC Championship Game). (stevo sighing in disgust) The best game from 2018.
(The game in between last year? At Rams 54, Chiefs 51. Christ, we lost all three of the best games of the season ... and the "Super" Chargers' comeback at Arrowhead on that epic Thursday nighter has to rank in the top ten as well. Hang on. #sloshedsunday is about to become #stuporsunday ...)
--------------------
Can the Chiefs win today?
Yes. Yes, they can.
Will the Chiefs win today?
Yes. Yes, they will.
My official pick is Chiefs (+3) 38, at Patriots 13. I don't think this is going to be particularly close. I don't think this is going to be competitive.
And I honestly think there's a very reasonable chance, my credit card will have a couple hundred dollars more of purchases on it (jimmy buffett voice) come Monday, because the Chiefs clinch the division with a win and a raiders loss.
But ultimately?
Sunday don't mean nothing. And not just because the Patriots have already clinched a playoff berth, and the Chiefs will do the same, no later than next weekend.
Sunday don't mean nothing, because we've (luke bryan voice) been there, done that.
As the antichrist himself noted in 1997, after losing back to back to back to the Chiefs, 49ers, and Steelers: "we can win there (today), or win there in January. I know which one I prefer."
Other than our shared mutual hatred of al davis? It's probably the only thing the antichrist and I will ever agree on.
Because I know which game I prefer to win -- today, or January 19th?
One of those two, ultimately means a helluva lot more, than nothing.
And it ain't today ...
... Unless today, is the first, of many more wins to come ...
Born is the King of Israel!
The first Noel
The angels did say?
Was to certain poor shepherds,
In fields where they lay.
In fields where they
Lay keeping their sheep.
On a cold winter's night?
That was so deep.
Noel! Noel! Noel! Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!
They looked up?
And saw a star!
Shining in the east!
Beyond and far!
And to the herd?
It gave great light!
And so it continued
Both day and night!
Noel! Noel! Noel! Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!
Despite the light
Of that same star?
Three wise men came
From country far!
To seek for a King?
Was their intent!
And to follow that star?
Wherever it went!
Noel! Noel! Noel! Noel!
Born is the King of Israel!
Born is the King?
Of Israel!!! ..."
-- "The First Noel", and say what you want, I effing love this version of it ...
--------------------
The Statisticals.
(Note: no Week Ten picks were submitted due to real-life issues that trumped posting them.)
Last Week SU: 9-7-0.
Season to Date SU: 106-72-1.
Last Week ATS: 9-7-0.
Season to Date ATS: 98-80-1.
Last Week Upset / Week: forgot to pick one.
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 7-7-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 8-6-0.
This Week's Upset / Week: Redskins (+12 1/2) over Packers. I'm riding the "Sur" William Callahan pony baby! Even if said pony looks like this.
--------------------
The Non-Chiefs Picks.
* My Thursday night pick was at Bears (+3) 24, Cowboys 14. (dierks bentley voice) Am I the only one who wants a 6-10 "Sur" William Callahan-led Washington Redskins division championship? I'm not? Sweet!
* at Bills (+5) 27, Ravens 20. Arguably the biggest home game Buffalo has hosted since Mike Mularkey whizzed away a wild card berth to close 2004.
* Redskins (+12 1/2) 26, at Packers 20. I can't wait to have 5-10 Washington at 6-9 Dallas flexed to prime time in Week Seventeen, to determine who hosts 13-3 San Francisco to open the postseason. Party like it's 2010 all over again people!
* at Texans (-9) 35, those people 13. T Minus Ten Days until #thedayilivefor. #ryanleafjunior
* at Saints (-2 1/2) 31, 49ers 24. Toughest game to pick on the board. And there's a lot of good ones to try to figure out this week.
* at Browns (-7 1/2) 34, Bengals 10. If the Browns win out, I think they'll get in. And for what it's worth, I think the Browns are going to win out.
* at "Shane" Falcons (-3) 41, Panthers 3. For what it's worth, I wouldn't have fired "Riverboat" Ron. Also, for what it's worth, I wouldn't have fired Scott Pioli, nor his successor John Dorsey, either. So clearly, I'm intellectually challenged.
* at Vikings (-13) 52, Lions 10. If more than 2% of the country gets this game, then someone at FOX has failed to provide quality programming to the viewing masses.
* at Jets (-5 1/2) 6, Dolphins 0. Do you trust either of these teams to score a touchdown? Because I don't. Also -- #firegase #f*ckingnow #please
* Colts (+3) 31, at Bucs 20. Are you sh*tting me? The Bucs are favored? This line is more intoxicated or stoned than me on a typical Tuesday. The Colts save their season (temporarily) with a win here. Because always -- always! -- root for #chaos for the six seed. If not also the five seed.
* at Jaguars (+3) 31, "Super" Chargers 13. (Pause). Yeah, gotta. *
(dick clark voice) ok, first subject ... GO!
(markie post voice) Blake Bortles. Trent Dilfer. Kordell Stewart.
(stevo voice) God awful AFC quarterbacks!
(markie post voice) No! Well, yes, but ... jake plummer. dick gannon. Andrew Luck.
(stevo voice) Decent AFC QBs who retired too soon!
(markie post voice) Patrick Mahomes. phyllis rivers.
(stevo voice) QBs who have started only one AFC Title Game in the last twenty years!
(markie post voice) YES! YES! YES!!!
(hugs all around).
Blake Bortles has accomplished as much lasting, uuh, accomplishment, as phyllis rivers has. Sh*t, even The Sanchize started TWO AFC Title Games! (In a row to boot!)
Never stop being the "Super" Chargers, guys. Please. It's nut-enducing enough that those people will be the division's doormat until I'm fifty. (Note: I'm 42 ... almost 43.) Seeing the most overrated franchise in the NFL now staring a massive rebuild in the face after literally p*ssing away rivers' entire career, while trying to find fifteen people to buy a $100 PSL to watch them? To quote Teri Hatcher's "Seinfeld" character: this is real, and it is spectacular!
(*: seriously, look at the first fifteen, sixteen seconds of that clip, and tell me you don't immediately think "holy sh*t, Markie Post is naked!" And then tell me your next reaction isn't to grab a trash can and vomit repeatedly, at realizing you just thought of a nude Markie Post. Also, you milennials who have no idea who Markie Post is? Hit your knees and thank your Risen Lord and Savior, you've been spared from that "knowledge".)
* at "Super" Cardinals (+2 1/2) 31, Steelers 20. It's high damned time Steelers fans shout "f*ck!" when Duck plays.
* at raiders (+2 1/2) 24, Titans 20. Sensational matchup. The winner has the inside track for the six seed, especially if it's the raiders. The Titans still control their own destiny in the AFC South, entering this one. Just a sensational matchup.
* at Rams (PK) 34, Seahawks 31 (OT). I have a sneaky suspicion this one might wind up being the best game of the season. Both teams need this one desperately -- the Seahawks right now hold home field advantage, the Rams are one behind the Vikings (who still have to play the Packers) for the last spot in the (hootie johnson voice) toonumunt.
Seriously, NFL schedule dude -- what a week of games you've given us! Cowboys / Bears to open the week (both teams in it, but struggling to stay afloat). 49ers / Saints as the FOX main game. Ravens / Bills as the CBS early; Chiefs / Patriots as the CBS National, then Seahawks / Rams as the night cap. And we get 209 year old Eli Manning in his likely final appearance to shut the week down! Great job, NFL schedule dude! Great job!
* at Eagles 22, Giants (+9 1/2) 14. Whatever one may think of Eli Manning (and I'm neutral on him, unlike his brother), I hope he gets at least one more win, on his way out the door. Also, an Eagles win here, likely ensures KC at Chicago gets flexed OUT of Sunday night in Week Sixteen, and Cowboys at Eagles gets flexed IN. This matters to me. I'll go to a noon game in Chicago. There ain't a chance in hell I'll go to a 7:20 kickoff three days before Christmas on Lake Michigan. If I'm gonna freeze my ass off, it'll be at Arrowhead, thank you very much.
--------------------
The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
(stevo sighing a deep disgusted, uuh, sigh of, uuh, disgust).
Ladies and gentlemen, the Klueless Kaptain of "Kannot Find His Khakis", at his most klueless and kompletely kracked:
I'm not sure who was more kareless with their station's approach to the Khiefs: "No Khaki" Kev ... or Angela Riccona, the dumb f*ck broad who edited the Tyreek Hill tape for KCTV5. (And somehow is still employed!)
Ol' Kietz? You pretty much single handedly kost your station its konnection with the Khiefs. They didn't pull the plug on 810 because of Soren Petro or The Border Patrol, you klueless knob. They pulled the plug because of you. And even Khad Boeger sh*t kanning your ass, couldn't stop the Khiefs from (kredibly and kompletely justifiably) eliminating 810 as a broadcast partner of the franchise.
Please, fellow readers, make me one promise: with the sole and only exception of the 2020 Presidential Election (because I will not vote to re-elect the President) ... if you ever katch me making these delusional and utterly devoid of reality statements out there on the Internet, please, promise me you'll send the nice gentlemen in white koats to my house, to take me to my new home at a mental institution. That's all I ask. Thanks in advance.
Now back to the kolumn.
--------------------
The Tailgating Plans.
There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is not a Chiefs game I will be in attendance for. But God (and my work schedule, and the good folks at Capital One and Security Bank) willing, this is the last Chiefs game I will not be in attendance for, this year.
--------------------
The Watching Party Plans.
We will be at the Homegate at McFadden's down in Power and Light. I plan to be there by 2pm at the latest to ensure we get our corner spot next to the "stress relieving" ski-ball games. (Which are right to your, uuh, right, as you walk in the door off Grand.)
We're expecting fifteen at last count, and that number will probably rise. We have the built in $300 credit, plus the "VIP Experience" I won at the "Super" Chargers Monday nighter (which consists of two trays of wings, plus two rounds of beers for everyone in my party. (Pause). Yeah, McFadden's may file for bankruptcy by Monday morning.)
As always, anyone and everyone who desires to come out will be welcomed and wanted. And if, like me, you're cheap and don't desire to pay for parking? Then you can either (a) ride The Bus out, or (b) do what I do -- park in the lot just north of the College Basketball Hall of Fame. That lot doesn't charge on the weekends, and it's an easy in/out if you're headed any direction but north (construction issues).
Feel free to join in, if you so desire!
--------------------
Stevo Drink O' The Week.
So last Wednesday, before heading out to my brother's for our family's Thanksgiving bash, I went to a happy hour for my buddy Charles, who I've worked with for a couple years now, and has decided to head home to the Philippines while he figures out what he wants to do with life.
We went to Ollie's on 31st and Gillham (which, in the interest of full disclosure, is one of my favorite bars in Kansas City). And they have this special there called "The Working Man's Friend".
Any beer you want -- tap, bottle, or can -- plus any shot you want, for $5 plus tax.
Not since Jerry and Paul were running the bar at the late, great Quinton's in Waldo, has booze flowed so freely, for so cheap. (Note: this might be why the late, great Quinton's in Waldo, didn't make it. That, or I drank them out of business. (Pause). Yeah, probably the latter.)
So that's my Drink O' The Week: Coors Banquet coupled with Jim Beam Fire. Sweet merciful baby Jesus, is that one potent combo, that I have yet to regret (maureen mcgovern voice) the morning after!
--------------------
Stevo Neighborhood Update.
It's been a quiet week in South Waldo. I'll take it.
--------------------
"Disreputable" Mexican Food Truck Update.
Nothing on said "disreputable" food truck ... but. But!
We heard on Sunday through a fellow tailgater, than on Monday nights after a Chiefs victory (and I would assume on Tuesday's, if the Chiefs play on Monday), that Hereford House has half price prime rib -- pick your size.
Monday night's Chiefs Kingdom Show was at the HyVee on Noland and 40. My Second Parents and I went to that, and got a few cool pic's with KPass (who is humongous in person folks -- my God. The dude could start at center for 92.47% of all basketball teams. I mean, I'm only 5'11" on a good day, 6'1" in drag ... but Jesus. He was AT LEAST 6'6". AT LEAST. And built like a tank. Damn.)
Anyway, after the Kingdom Show, we decided to check out if the rumor was true, and went to the Hereford House out in Independence.
Folks? (Pause). Hang on. I have to do this right. Mr. Former Vice President?
(joe biden voice) Folks! This deal is better than black kids admiring my leg hair from afar! A three letter word -- hair!
Thank you sir. And please -- for the dignity of the nation, get the f*ck out of the race, ASAFP.
Anyways, the rumor was true! A sixteen ounce prime rib (made to order), your choice of potato, and a salad as well, for less than $20! (Sadly, no Paul Bunyan hats were thrown in for the kids ... although there weren't any kids there, so who knows; maybe they would have.)
As Mona noted: "we can each buy a freaking bottle of wine, plus dinner, and still come in less than the prime rib normally is!"
Yes. Yes, we could.
And yes. Yes, we did.
When I got home on Monday, I called my dad to tell him about the deal, and his exact response was ... well, classic "this man knows me better than I know myself":
"So, we're going in two weeks, after (the Chiefs) beat the crap out of denver?"
Yes. Yes, we are.
And I'm willing to be (spanish voice) muy generoso enough?
To let the ol' man pay for it.
--------------------
The Flashback.
--------------------
The Chiefs Pontification and Prediction.
Predicting the Chiefs This Season:
Straight Up: 7-6-0 (L at Jaguars, W at raiders, W vs Ravens, W at Lions, L vs Colts, L vs Texans, W at those people, L vs Packers, W vs Vikings, L at Titans, W at "Super" Chargers, W vs raiders).
Against the Spread: 6-7-0 (L at Jaguars, W at raiders, W vs Ravens, L at Lions L vs Colts, W vs Texans, W at those people, L vs Packers, W vs Vikings, L at Titans, W at "Super" Chargers, L vs raiders).
--------------------
(the "congregation") (restlessly shifting)
("pastor" stevo) (clearing his throat)
Let's begin.
--------------------
If I hadn't chosen (like I usually do), to have a Christmas song as the theme to every December post, this week's theme would have been "Don't Mean Nothing" by Richard Marx * .
Because the lyrics so perfectly fit, what (might) be coming today:
"Welcome to the big time!
You're bound to be a star!
And even if you don't go all the way?
You know that you'll go far!
This race is for rats;
It can turn you upside down!
'Cause there ain't no one you can count on?
In this sleazy little town!
Oh no!
Lots of promises made in the dark!
Oh no!
(But) don't you open your heart!
'Cause it don't mean nothing!
The words that they say!
It don't mean nothing!
These games that people play!
It don't mean nothing --
No victim! No crime!
It don't mean nothing?
'Til you sign it on the dotted line ..."
--------------------
(*: if you have SiriusXM on Demand (specifically, the SiriusXM app), you have to -- absolutely have to! -- listen to the Thanksgiving special with Richard Marx **, available on demand on 80s on 8.
Also, "Don't Mean Nothing" seems to work far, far better than "Should've Known Better" (which is Mr. Marx's *** funniest one-liner on this epic sixty minute concert). (The exact quote: (marx) So I get told all the time by people that "oh! I played your song as my first dance (at the wedding)! And I always respond, "Should've Known Better"? (rimshot!)) I may not be right about a lot ... but I'm pretty sure I'm right about both of those facts.
And double also: how the f*ck did I go this long, without another * in this post?)
(**: "Endless Summer Nights" is the best song he ever recorded. That, or "Angelia". With "Hazard" in contention. Sorry, seventh grade Stevo -- "Right Here Waiting" and "Hold On To The Night" don't stand the test of time. No matter how great those skating parties at the ol' school Skateland at 103rd and the Overland Parkway were ...)
(***: Mr. Marx **** is married to Daisy Fuentes. (Pause). Yeah -- utter brilliance.)
(****: also, I irrationally love Richard Marx, in case you don't grasp it ... and will never apologize for it. The man is the most prolific song writer since the immortal Carole King and Gerry Goffin were nailing it, ten years before I was born. I swear to Christ, if Mr. Marx had written "Bye Bye Bye"? I'd probably bow down and worship the man. To say nothing of my "song writing bastardization" of "I Want It That Way". #ed #ward #hoch #u #li)
--------------------
I spent yesterday Christmas shopping. Like many of you, I use Amazon for some of the gifts I, uuh, give, because (a) I can be lazy as hell when an entertaining as hell game like Baylor / OU is on, and (b) some stuff just isn't available here in Kansas City, that I'd like to give.
But I also spent a large chunk of my Saturday actually shopping. As in, I got my ass in New Tito, drove to a store, and purchased in person what I wanted. I went to The Plaza. Spent some (barely) earned money at Rally House. Hit up Charlie Hustle. Went to Crown Center. Hit up Sportibles and Hall's (you're welcome, mom) and the Crayola Store (hey now! I have nieces under the age of ten. They still appreciate a good chalk set to decorate the driveway with! That, and God forbid western Johnson County have a subdivision with a color in it other than grey, brown, or a shade of grey or brown. Thank God I live in Waldo, where color exists, and not just in the color of the skin of your neighbors. (ed mcmahon voice) Hey yo!)
I couldn't help myself -- at one point, I grabbed a coffee from Panera, sat at a table, and watched the kiddos enjoying the hell out of the Ice Chateau, in the shadow of this year's incredible Mayor's Christmas Tree. (Hey, it was pushing sixty here yesterday. Sixty in December! It's like I never left Texas behind!)
And go figure, many of the conversations I overheard, were about today's game. Specifically, the belief that this is the one. This is when the Chiefs finally overcome the beast that is the New England Patriots.
It took damned near all I had in me, to keep from laughing.
Because peoples and peepettes?
We've slain the beast before. In their own layer of hell to boot!
And it didn't mean nothing.
--------------------
If there is a comedic lining to Sunday, it is that next week the Patriots play ... at the Bengals. So we might get a few quality "we're on to Cincinnati" jokes out of Bill Belichick in the post-game presser. (And God above, I pray we do. Even I would laugh out loud, if that happens, win or lose.)
Because five years ago, in what has to still remain as the (start to the) greatest forty eight hour period of Kansas City sports history, the Chiefs flogged the Patriots like they were Reverend Sharpton's government mule, 44-14, a day before this happened. *
(It's just a shame we didn't win by 40, to take the Reverend's acreage he's always b*tching about, to boot.)
I never got around to recapping that Monday night game (I know -- shocker), but one thing still sticks with me five years later: the Triple T's.
Tomorrow Trumps Tonight.
The 2014 Chiefs blew the Patriots out of the building that amazing September night.
They failed to reach the playoffs. The Patriots lost to those people in the AFC Title Game.
--------------------
(*: gun to my head, it's the second best post I've ever, uuh, posted. Only trumped by this one.)
--------------------
Go back to The Flashback above. The 2005 Chiefs destroyed the Patriots. The 26-16 final doesn't even begin to note what an ass kicking that game was. (This was also the game where Jared Allen's blue Cadillac with the bullhorns made its first postgame appearance. I miss the Boomer Grigsby years, always.)
The 2005 Chiefs failed to reach the playoffs. The Patriots lost to those people, in the AFC Divisional Round.
--------------------
All you really have to do, is go back two seasons, to the 2017 opener. Granted, you give "Fat" Andy an extra three hours to prepare, he'll outscheme your best. Giving him eight months to prep for this one seems like cruel and unusual punishment, which is what Kareem Hunt and "Sir" Alex Smith and the Chiefs delivered that amazing Thursday night, a 42-27 beatdown that set the table for the 5-0 start to the 2017 season.
The 2017 Chiefs then lost six of seven, before rallying to make the playoffs ... and crap out to a god-awful Titans team, that fired its coach, for the apparently, uuh, uuh, fireable offense, of beating the Chiefs in January.
The Patriots lost arguably the greatest Super Bowl ever to the Eagles, four months after that opener.
--------------------
Even in defeat to these guys in recent history, it's never been by more than a score (with one exception). Consider:
* 2000: at Patriots 30, Chiefs 24. One of the worst Monday Night Football games ever -- two also rans clogging the prime time schedule.
* 2002: at Patriots 41, Chiefs 38 (OT). One of the funnest games in Chiefs history, rallying from down 21 in the fourth quarter, tying the game as time expired ... only to lose the coin flip, and the game.
* 2004: Patriots 27 at Chiefs 19. Another Monday night dud, this time in November. This defeat all but eliminated the 2004 Chiefs from postseason consideration. (The following week's loss to the "Super" Chargers did officially do that.)
* 2008: at Patriots 17, Chiefs 10. Perhaps best known as the game Bernard Pollard ended Tom Brady's season. Of course, Patriots gonna Patriot, so of course they send us the backup who filled in after the season, to head our team -- Matt Cassel. Let's move on before #sobersaturday turns into #sloshedsunday before the sun rises.
* 2011: at Patriots 34, Chiefs 3. A third Monday night sh*tfest. What is it with these two teams, and Monday night, that never adds up right? Also, I fear I am recycling some eight year old material. I apologize. (readers / one republic voice) It's too late ...
* 2015: at Patriots 27, Chiefs 20 (AFC Divisional Round). (hall and oates * voice) So close! So close! Yet so far away!
(*: again, we all know he's G. E. Smith, right?)
* 2018: at Patriots 43, Chiefs 40. The third best game from 2018.
* 2018: Patriots 37, Chiefs 31 (OT; AFC Championship Game). (stevo sighing in disgust) The best game from 2018.
(The game in between last year? At Rams 54, Chiefs 51. Christ, we lost all three of the best games of the season ... and the "Super" Chargers' comeback at Arrowhead on that epic Thursday nighter has to rank in the top ten as well. Hang on. #sloshedsunday is about to become #stuporsunday ...)
--------------------
Can the Chiefs win today?
Yes. Yes, they can.
Will the Chiefs win today?
Yes. Yes, they will.
My official pick is Chiefs (+3) 38, at Patriots 13. I don't think this is going to be particularly close. I don't think this is going to be competitive.
And I honestly think there's a very reasonable chance, my credit card will have a couple hundred dollars more of purchases on it (jimmy buffett voice) come Monday, because the Chiefs clinch the division with a win and a raiders loss.
But ultimately?
Sunday don't mean nothing. And not just because the Patriots have already clinched a playoff berth, and the Chiefs will do the same, no later than next weekend.
Sunday don't mean nothing, because we've (luke bryan voice) been there, done that.
As the antichrist himself noted in 1997, after losing back to back to back to the Chiefs, 49ers, and Steelers: "we can win there (today), or win there in January. I know which one I prefer."
Other than our shared mutual hatred of al davis? It's probably the only thing the antichrist and I will ever agree on.
Because I know which game I prefer to win -- today, or January 19th?
One of those two, ultimately means a helluva lot more, than nothing.
And it ain't today ...
... Unless today, is the first, of many more wins to come ...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)