... where 2015 is going to be a year to remember for the rest of our lives, and 2020 is off to one helluva start ... and our thursday night pick is "super" cardinals (+3) 28, at seahawks 24 ...
I am here, the evening before one epic regular season game between the team I love irrationally, and the team I hate irrationally, at the lovely Clarion Denver Central hotel, chosen because (and this is not a joke) it is supposed to be the most 420 friendly hotel in all of Denver proper.
(You'd think I chose it ... but for once? You'd be completely wrong.)
I can confirm, that if this place ain't the most 420 friendly hotel in Denver proper ... it's gotta be in the top ten.
For starters, they have a 420 Tree outside. That is not a joke. They have a 420 Tree, where guests grab a stone and wish their best, uuh, wishes, upon said, uuh, stone, at the base of said tree.
You doubt me?
(image credit: me, via my iPhone 8 something.)
Secondly, the elevators and half the floors reek like it was Stubbs ten years ago * . I know -- this is a great thing, right? 31 year old me is drooling, literally drooling, over knowing 41 year old me would be spending a couple nights in a hotel that doesn't give a f*ck if you like to light up every now and then for purely recreational use. (Although in fairness to me, next time you see me, ask to try on my glasses. My eyesight is abysmal. I probably could get a legal card, if my fine home state approves the ballot measure in 37 days.
Thirdly, we've got a game to play.
And this one is huge.
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(*: as the one person you will ever know who does not believe in coincidence ... I do not find it ironic in any way, shape or form, that the tenth anniversary of meeting the "those people" fan formerly known on this site as "The Chica" ... is tomorrow, as her "those people" and my Chiefs do battle inside the eighth layer of hell itself. If anything? I think it's perfect.)
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In the words of the "Voice of the Chiefs", Mitch Holtgus: "for all intents and purposes", the AFC West can be decided tomorrow night.
If the Chiefs win, they will be two clear of both the "Super" Chargers and those people ... with divisional wins against both, in their home stadiums.
Furthermore, if the Chiefs win, they will not only be the last unbeaten in the AFC, but the next three weeks gives this team an opportunity it is rarely afforded: they can all but end the AFC home field race, before Halloween.
The Chiefs next three after tomorrow night are vs Jaguars / at Patriots / vs Bengals. Save for Miami, those are your three AFC teams with the best record other than the Chiefs, that are a viable threat to win 11 games and get a bye. And Miami ain't a viable threat to win 11 and get a bye; they're just the only one of those four teams, the Chiefs don't control their own destiny against, over the next four weeks.
But before last rites are performed upon the AFC ... the Chiefs have to survive this contest first.
And it might take an exorcism, to pull this one off.
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Two things have surprised me here in denver so far:
(a) how many Chiefs fans are here, and
(b) how confident those people's fans are, that we will win.
(a) is awesome.
(b) terrifies me.
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Last year, in the Monday Nighter at Arrowhead, a lot of the same sentiment reigned. Namely, "it cannot possibly be this obvious and this easy, right?"
I feel the same way tonight, about thirty minutes before I pass out and get a solid herbal-induced ten hours of sleep.
It cannot possibly be this obvious.
And there's no way, it can possibly be this easy.
Or can it?
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When the news came on here after the 49ers / Chargers game was over, the lead story was the Rockies forcing a one game "winner gets a bye / loser's going to Miller Park (probably)" play-in game tomorrow, at 2pm Mountain Time. (Note: thank God that game is at Chavez Ravine; I cannot imagine what a nightmare tomorrow would be, if the game was across the freeway at Coors Field.)
This is gonna be one fun sports day out here, peoples and peepettes. The forecast isn't half shabby (81 and partly cloudy at kickoff; 30% chance rain during the game). The Rockies go at 2; their game should be going final as we're walking into Arrowhead West.
Given the epic games that went down today (Bengals / Falcons; Browns / raiders; Eagles / Titans; Texans / Colts ** ), why not stage one more?
I think both teams are going to give up 30 plus. I predict we will see fewer than 5 combined punts, and I predict we will see fewer than 3 combined turnovers.
I also predict the team with the ball last, will win it.
* Chiefs (-3 1/2) 42, at those people 34.
If you're in this (hellhole) of a metropolitan community, we're tailgating in Lot M tomorrow. I'm sitting in Section 117, Row 37. Feel free to swing by.
And wherever y'all are tomorrow, Arrowhead Nation?
Be loud.
I'll be doing my part, inside the eighth layer of hell itself. Just do yours as well ...
Note: due to work and volunteer obligations, as well as travel plans for Monday night's Chiefs / those people game at fake mile high, the picks posts are gonna be light this week.
Chiefs / those people pick and commentary coming separately, (possibly) Friday night or (probably) Saturday morning.
Also, I'm still working on the recap of the 49ers / Chiefs game. It's ... look it. There were six minutes on Sunday, from 11:46 to 11:52am, that hit me so hard emotionally that I have literally spent pushing four hours and counting staring at a blank screen. I have no idea how to describe what hearing three words, three freaking words I've never even thought about before, I have no idea to describe just how hard those words hit me emotionally on Sunday.
(Also, how does this hot-as-hell 41 year old dude describe how those three words made him cry like he's never cried over a moment in sports before? I mean, I bawled like a newborn baby when Mario hit the three ten years ago * . My reaction to that shot looks like a kid in a sandbox, compared to my reaction to Mr. Mahomes' introduction on Sunday.)
I hope to get that done by Sunday night; I've got a ten hour ride to work on it on Sunday if need be.
Below are the non-Chiefs picks.
(*: for the record, my reaction was to fall off the couch, begin immediately pounding the floor, all while scream crying "yes!" for the next five minutes. Multiple people can confirm this. My response to hearing "and at quarterback" on Sunday, made that look like amateur hour.) Last Week SU: 7-9-0. Season to Date SU: 27-19-2.
Last Week ATS: 7-9-0. Season to Date ATS: 27-20-1.
Last Week Upset / Week: I got what I wanted. Season to Date Upset / Week: 2-1-0 SU, 1-1-1 ATS. This Week Upset / Week: Lions (+3) over Cowboys.
The Non-Chiefs Picks:
* at Rams (-7) 31, Vikings 14. * at "Shane" Falcons (-5) 34, Bengals 27. * Dolphins (+6 1/2) 24, at Patriots 13. * Texans (+1 1/2) 30, at Colts 20. "Empty Nest Game O' The Week" honors. * at Packers 24, Bills (+10) 16. * Lions (+3) 31, at Cowboys 20. * at Titans (+4) 24, Eagles 14. * at Jaguars 16, Jets (+7 1/2) 13. * at Bears (-3) 24, Bucs 20. * Seahawks (-3) 27, at "Super" Cardinals 13. "Good Times Game O' The Week" honors. * at raiders (-3) 31, Browns 24. "Gordon Shumway Game O' The Week" honors. * at "Super" Chargers 20, 49ers (+11) 17. * Saints (-3 1/2) 55, at Giants 2. * at Steelers (-3) 13, Ravens 6.
(*: riddle me this, you IT experts: "company I work for" has blocked Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Yahoo email, Gmail, uuh, email, and other assorted sites and time-spenders. Yet YouTube! is unfiltered, and this site is wide open for posting. (gary busey in "drop zone" voice) God bless America!)
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Happy Victory Monday, Arrowhead Nation! I know a recap of the festivities of yesterday is due to you, and I plan to get to it at some point later on this overcast, dreary Monday here in Midtown KC.
(Damned right I showed up for work today intending to do nothing job-related.)
Anyways, the first post of the day? / week? / (definitely not) month, is a query asked to me at halftime yesterday:
"I need a breakout by year on how long it took chefs QBs to get to 13 TD passes each season".
You text?
You receive.
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For the record, I pulled all stats from Pro Football Reference, which is a great site if you're a stats geek (and cheap -- it's all free!), like me.
And also for the record?
This chart is brutal folks. It is f*cking brutal to look at.
But -- and wait, this isn't a good thing either -- it does explain a lot, about the last thirty years, of Kansas City Chiefs football.
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The Chart.
Below, is a list of each Chiefs season over the last thirty years, and how long it took said team to throw a 13th touchdown pass that season:
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First, the five things that in no way, shape or form surprised me:
1. The Chiefs failed to throw for 13 TDs in the entire 2012 season. They threw for 8 total on the season and, if Brady Quinn hadn't turned in the performance of his career on the darkest morning of football Arrowhead has ever hosted, they would not have thrown for a touchdown the entire second half of the 2012 season (plus a week, added in as a "Paul Bunyan hat for the kids" prize, I'm sure).
2. The next fastest Chief to throw for 13 TDs to open the season ... was Trent Green. It took him five games and change into the sixth in 2002. The next three fastest Chiefs to do it? "Sir" Alex Smith last year, Elvis Grbac in 2000 ... and Steve Bono in 1995. Both required six games and change into the seventh to pull the feat off.
3. Priest Holmes probably cost Trent Green at least 40 TDs. It was amazing to go back and read the box scores from 2003, 2004, 2005, and see just how run heavy those Al Saunders / Richard A. Vermeil offenses were. Everyone remember how prolific those five years were at scoring and racking up yardage. I'd forgotten how much of it was on the ground, versus in the air.
4. When you have two quarterbacks you think are capable of playing? You've got no quarterbacks that are actually capable of playing. On seasons when multiple Chiefs quarterbacks had to contribute to reach the 13 TD mark (11/30, approximately a third of the last thirty years), they have made the playoffs only three times: 1993, 1997, and 2006. I also don't think it stuns any Chiefs fan to see the layout from 2007-2012. Only one season did one quarterback man the helm, and that season was the only division championship (and playoff berth) in that stretch (2010).
5. Both Elvis Grbac and Steve Bono were better than most Chiefs fans give them credit for being. As the resident Steve Bono defender to this day, that was good to know.
Second, the four things that in every way, shape, or form did surprise me:
1. The 2012 Chiefs season was even worse than I remember it to be. Seriously, you remove Brady Quinn's career performance against the Panthers on arguably the darkest morning in Chiefs history, and you are literally putting an entire year without a touchdown pass in play.
2. "Martyball" wasn't quite the "ground-n-pound" adventure I remember it to be. I know in high school (and Jesus, am I aging myself), but in high school, the running gag was that the Chiefs offense was "run, run, pass, punt". In hindsight? Not so much.
3. A Chiefs quarterback, on average, throws his 13th touchdown in Week 12. The average with all 30 seasons included is 11.8867 (356 / 30). If you remove the two outliers (2018 and 2012), the average is ... exactly 12 (336 / 28). I figured the average week would be high ... but I was thinking Week Nine, Week Ten. Nope. Week Twelve. Or to put this into perspective, what Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" has done in three weeks?
Takes damned near every other Chiefs quarterback four times as long to achieve. And only one -- in thirty years! -- has managed to do it in twice the time!
4. Only two quarterbacks started enough to throw 13 TD passes for five years. Trent Green and Alex Smith. That's it. No other quarterback appears more than twice, and even then, only one appears twice (DeBerg). And before you say "well, injuries" -- don't. There is no other Chiefs quarterback to make it to Year Five in thirty years. Only Mr. Green and Mr. Smith. (Mr. Cassel and Mr. Grbac made it four.)
Third, the three undeniable conclusions to draw from this chart:
1. Not drafting a quarterback in the first round for the first twenty nine years in this chart, is incompetence on display. To be fair, I do believe the Chiefs tried to "draft" their long-term solution under center once -- in 2001, when they traded their first round pick to the Rams for Trent Green. And had Trent Green not had the living bejezus knocked out of him in the 2006 opener against the Bengals, who knows, maybe he lasts until 2008, 2009, and we view things differently in regards to the Chiefs quarterback situation.
Still -- twenty nine years, not one first round pick spent on a quarterback. That's just rank, stank incompetence. Which then begs the question ...
2. How in God's name did Carl "I'm One Bad Ass Negotiator" Peterson keep his job for twenty years? The one indefensible pass on a quarterback -- and spare me Chiefs fans, because you know I'm right on this -- the one utterly indefensible pass was to draft Derrick Johnson instead of Aaron Rodgers at 15 in the 2005 NFL Draft. (Note: Carl "Shut The F*ck Up And Sit The F*ck Down" Peterson's draft record deserves it's own examination, because Carl "Who We Talkin' To Here" Peterson was -- and presumably still is -- a HORRIBLE evaluator of college talent. Thankfully for you people, I already did that ten years ago.)
But seriously. Twenty years, and the man never once swung for the fences. (Even worse, by the last five, six years,, his incompetence was so pronounced you wanted him to trade the pick for a one year rental, because at least the rental might be on the roster in two years.)
And again, spare me Chiefs fans with the "well we already had Trent Green" justifications. Our current administration? Has just shown you in three f*cking games why you NEVER stop drafting for the future, no matter how capable and well-handled a position may be in the present.
3. Going back to the overall chart -- no Chiefs fan can be surprised most of us have never seen our team in a Super Bowl.
Where's the stability? Where's the longevity? Where's the commitment to the position, to find "our" guy, put him under center, and sink or swim? If you can find it, you're smarter than me.
Because again, look at that chart. No Chiefs QB has been competent / healthy / young enough, to be the guy who gets us to TD 13 for more than five straight years. That's not how you win in the NFL, and it hasn't been for pushing six decades.
Fourth, the two things Chiefs fans have to be excited about:
1. We ain't never seen anything like this before. Looking at the chart again, here are the three game stretches where a Chiefs QB has thrown for (at least) 10 TDs in that three game stretch. (Stretch highlighted in yellow):
Two. That's it. Mr. Mahomes the last three weeks at Chargers (W) / at Steelers (W) / vs 49ers (W), and Trent Green back in 2002 at Patriots (L/OT) / vs Dolphins (W) / at Jets (W) / at Chargers (L). That's it.
(Note: four games are highlighted because whether you take Weeks 3, 4, and 5, or take Weeks 4, 5, and 6, you arrive at 10 TDs in 3 games.)
Let's take this further, and loosen the rules. Highlighted in blue, using the referred chart for this post, are stretches where a Chiefs QB threw for 9 TDs (or more) in a 3 game stretch:
(Is this where I mention, that adding Elvis Grbac and Tyler Thigpen into the equation, is only making Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" look even better than he already does?)
Finally, just for sh*ts and giggles, I would have run the same exercise for 8 TDs in a three game stretch, only, (norm macdonald voice) you guessed it -- Frank Stallone!
Actually, you guessed it: no changes.
Simply put, Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" has delivered the finest three game stretch by a Chiefs quarterback in literally thirty years. And possibly in the nearly sixty years, this franchise has existed.
2. Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" will make his fifth start on Monday night.
I feel like this cannot be stated enough.
In four starts, he's trumped pushing forty years of abject sh*t under center for the Red and Gold. He's better in his fifth week, than any quarterback we've had in the last four decades in their fifth year! Again, he'll make his fifth start on Monday night!
Fifth, and finally, the (somewhat) Captain Oats in the room, everyone seems to be ignoring:
1. The most brilliant offensive mind in football, is running the show. And he's not leaving anytime soon.
That mind, of course, being "Fat" Andy Reid.
Which is part of why I'm so geeked for Monday. Because the one team in this league that has seen Mr. Mahomes before, is those people. They're the one team that has had personnel line up against Mr. Mahomes, and face off against him before. No other team could -- or can -- say that, at least until Week Sixteen, when the "Super" Chargers get their second crack at him.
If those people don't have a plan to stop him, having already seen him?
Who will have a plan, to stop "Fat" Andy's use of Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs"?
It's why I think this year could really be something special for the Red and Gold. There's no prior database of knowledge for teams to draw from against us. Every other team is living this in real time, for the first time, exactly as we are. As Ms. Chen-Moonves reminds us three times a week on the one show I cannot defend my love for: you can't prepare for the unexpected. You can only adapt to it, react to it.
Right now? No team has even the slightest idea, how to react to what we are all seeing.
For the first time in pushing my entire life, when it comes to having no idea how to react to what we're seeing out of the Chiefs?
Last Week ATS: 11-5-0. Season to Date ATS: 20-11-1.
Last Week SU: 10-5-1. Season to Date SU: 20-10-2.
Last Week Upset / Week: like there was ever a doubt. Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 2-0-0. Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 1-0-1. This Week's Upset / Week: those people (+5 1/2) over Ravens.
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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Picks.
* at Eagles 24, Colts (+6 1/2) 21. * at Panthers (-3) 24, Bengals 14. * at Jaguars (-6 1/2) 38, Titans 12. * at "Shane" Falcons (-3) 31, Saints 27. * those people (+5 1/2) 31, at Ravens 10. * at Texans (-6) 45, Giants 0. * raiders (+3) 17, at Dolphins 6. * at Redskins (+3) 31, Packers 28 (OT). * at Vikings (-16) 35, Bills 13. * at Rams 30, "Super" Chargers (+7) 27. * Bears 6, at "Super" Cardinals (+5 1/2) 3."Good Times" Game O' The Week honors. * Cowboys (+1 1/2) 21, at Seahawks 13. * Patriots 31, at Lions (+6) 28 (OT). * Steelers (-1) 38, at Bucs 20.
The "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week.
For once, Klassy Kev ain't lying. If anything? "K"KK is underselling the truth.
I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry over that reality.
The Watching Party Plans.
There are no The Watching Party Plans, as this is a Chiefs game I will be in attendance for.
The Tailgating Plans.
Here's what I know as of 2pm on Friday.
We will be in our usual spot -- the grassy knoll north of the G30 sign. I know this, because I am somehow going to get my ass out of bed at 5am, to board The Bus, and head down about 6:15 with Anthony to reserve our spot, as well as Ron and Michelle and Ryan and Tyler's, as well as Roger and Bruce and Brad's. #traditionsuckssometimes
The Chiefs claim the gates will open at 7am. I'm calling bullsh*t on that; I'm betting the line to get in will be back to the offramp from 435 (west) and over the Stadium Drive Bridge (east) by 6:15, which will prompt an early opening. I have an email in to my "highly placed anonymous source", referred to on this site as "Rufus", to confirm my suspicions about this.
(Note: because of where MAST is located, anytime Stadium Drive backs up past the gates, the Chiefs are virtually obligated to open the gates, irregardless of what time it is. My money is on a 6:30 opening at the latest.)
The menu is 49er Foot Longs (note: you make your own) and my (not even remotely) world famous jalapeno poppers. (Although given that every time I make them -- 150 plus each batch -- not a single one survives the tailgate? I think I know what the f*ck I'm doing!)
Plus other assorted side dishes.
Oh, and -- as always, (the late, great mr. william grigsby voice) Gates Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrresidential Platter!
I have no idea what the drink of choice is (although I have a strong suspicion); irregardless of what the Drink O' The Game is, we'll have plenty of, uuh, drinks on hand. (Plus a couple Gatorade's for the kids ... assuming Uncle Stevo doesn't run out of mixers for his vodka. (Keep reading.))
I have no idea what the "Stevo Drink Game" over / under should be set at * . I've had a sh*ttacular week at work that has seen each day progressively worse than the previous one, and haven't been as in tune and prepared as I should be for a home opener -- especially this home opener.
Oh -- and as always, anyone and everyone is welcome to join in the fun. As always, we don't discriminate, disrespect, degrade, or refuse to tolerate anyone who desires to join us. (Pause). Unless you're a fan of those people. And even then, I've granted exemptions to fans of those people before. Even if they proved to be unworthy of said exemptions. Whatever. If you wanna join us, please come out and, uuh, join us.
I can inform you that the broken version of Drinko has been replaced with a new one, along with a roulette wheel shot selector, and a dart wheel shot selector has been purchased too.
Also, the broken cornhole board has been fixed. (You're welcome.)
Hope to see y'all (jimmy buffett voice) come Sunday!
(*: the "Stevo Drink Game" was established years decades ago. It is to guess, based on an over/under, the number of adult beverages I will have already consumed, when "The Voice of Reason" shows up at the tailgate. And for the purposes of this game, a "drink" is defined as either (a) a 12 oz or greater beer, (b) a 12 oz or greater mixed drink, or (c) a 2 oz or greater straight shot. Jello shots are still an undefined grey area. (Pause). Hell yes, I spell grey like the Canadians do. You got a problem with that? Anyways, thinking this through logically ... I'll probably start no later than 6:15ish, when I head down to save our spot. Figure two, probably three Coors Lights for that. Tack on another Coors Light getting the stereo set up, we're up to four. Figure two mimosa's when Alyssa makes them come 8am ... I'll set the over/under at 6.5. (Pause). Damned right I'd bet the over.)
Stevo's Drink O' The Week.
In case you don't live here in Kansas City, I can happily inform you that we have been above 90 degrees for a high each of the last six days and counting. (Sadly, today marks the end of that awesome streak; we're barely reaching 70 today.)
And when it's a warm, sunny evening, there are four things I've always liked to do:
(a) haul a TV out onto the deck
(b) put on a show / movie / sporting event I want to watch
(c) light up a Macanudo Maduro, and
(d) enjoy a light libation.
Which means this week's drink of choice, was a classic.
Tito's Vodka and Lemon Lime Gatorade.
It's smooth. It's refreshing.
(It's Tito, for Christ's sake; what more do you need to know?)
Give it a try sometime. At worst? You'll regret it. At best? You'll have a new go-to when life drives you to drink.
The Flashback.
Most everyone would select the Captain Oats in this matchup, the Week Two 1994 showdown at Arrowhead between Joe Montana and Steve Young:
And yes, that is arguably the most hyped home-opener of my lifetime. (It's that, or 2010 against the "Super" Chargers, the berth of the New Arrowhead.)
But the 49ers game I'll never forget occurred three years and three months later, over Thanksgiving Weekend 1997.
For starters, you had something you only saw once in his (eventual) Hall of Fame career: Tony Gonzalez blocking a punt.
For second, you had my favorite Patrick J. Summerall call of all time, on the play immediately following Mr. Gonzalez' punt block, that set the Chiefs up at the 49ers 4:
"Marcus Allen. Standing up!"
Jesus, I miss Pat Summerall.
But mostly, I remember that 44-9 ass kicking ** for (whitney houston voice) one moment in time.
Anthony Davis decapitating Steve Young.
I actually have a picture in one of the boxes I haven't unpacked (a mere 21 months after moving in) somewhere in the other bedroom ... but I did find the "after" picture out there via Google, and I gotta admit, the "after" picture makes me nut more than the "before" picture that I'll spend most of tonight trying to find:
(image credit: Getty Images, via Google search for "anthony davis steve young".)
I mean ... good God. I need a cigarette and a shower right now, and not necessarily in that order. Also, might need to reload the box of Lifestyles and get some more KY in the bed table drawer, because that box and tube o' lube? Has just been spent.
That pic is just dirty, in as good a way as dirty can get. Steve Young curled up in the fetal position, scared to death to move. Anthony Davis and Tom Barndt huddled over his collapsed corpse ... and honestly, I can't tell -- are they taunting Mr. Young, or trying to help him up? I pray it's a taunt.
(Also, I may or may not have printed out this picture with the intent to frame and hang it. (Pause). Bet on "may".)
In any event, I did manage to find one clip on Youtube! of this game, and here it is:
Out of every game 1997 gave us -- and in the interest of full disclosure, the 1997 Chiefs are my third favorite Chiefs team of all time, and at least as of now, the best Chiefs team I've ever watched -- out of every game 1997 gave us?
(principal jacobs in "mr. holland's opus voice") Of all the games 1997 gave us? You're my favorite.
(**: the exact exchange -- and if I could figure out how to upload the old school sound file onto this blog, I'd do it to prove it: (summerall) The punt is ... blocked! The punt is blocked! By ... by ... Gonzalez! (madden) Woo! Pat, this rookie! (us in the stands) (roaring to the point of nearly drowning out the broadcast) (summerall) 1st and goal, Kansas City. (summerall) Marcus Allen. Standing up! (madden) Pat, the Kansas City Chiefs are taking the 49ers to the woodshed, and they are giving them the business!)
"Disreputable" Mexican Food Truck Update.
This week, I (ralph wiggum voice) choo-choo-choose! to use this space, to pimp two new locally opened restaurants I encourage everyone reading this, to give at least one try.
On Tuesday night, I went to try out the new Thai restaurant a couple blocks from my place, appropriately enough called Waldo Thai Place.
Now, to be fair, it ain't the late, great Swagger that used to occupy that spot in Mike's strip mall.
But to its' credit? It's good.
I had the Grilled Mint Beef Salad ($14), which was absolutely as jaw-droppingly good as it sounds. Mint Beef. (Pause). Yeah I know -- I need another cigarette and another shower, and not necessarily in that order (rimshot!) I also had two glasses of pinot grigio with it (which is about two fewer than you would expect out of me, to be fair). The tab was pushing $40 (thanks, pinot grigio) but it was worth it.
At worst, Waldo Thai Place is the 3rd best restaurant within a mile of 85th and Wornall. (It isn't better than Chelly's ... but if you're looking for food rather than atmosphere, it beats Walsh's.)
Give it a try if you're ever down my way.
And then, today for lunch ... well, we had an unexpected half day at work. (Hooray server crash!) So on my route home, I decided to stop in and try out a place The Star had done a profile on a couple weeks ago, the Cornbread Buffet.
Those of you who know me best? Know I'm a grazer. You give me a huge plate of food, I'll eventually get through it. It might take me an hour or two ... but I'll eventually clean it.
I had two plates down in less than twenty minutes today.
I know that you JoCo folks think driving to 63rd and The Paseo is like traveling to the heart of Compton. Trust me -- it's not. It's perfectly safe. And if this place helps propel a redevelopment of The Landing and surrounding blighted areas *** ? Then please help our amazing city rally that part of town, back to how it used to be.
That's this week's Local Locations Pimp Notes O' The Week.
(***: even I have to admit, had Hillary won? We wouldn't be seeing the urban redevelopment, not just here in Kansas City, but across the country, that we are seeing over the last ten months. Whatever one may think of Mr. Trump personally (and I'll spare you my thoughts), one has to concede, he has exposed every economic lie Barry and Hillary ever sold, for what they are: bullsh*t lies.)
The Jets Prediction. Picking the Jets This Season:
Straight Up: 0-2-0.
Against the Spread: 0-2-0.
Upset / Week: not applicable yet.
This week's pick was?
(charlie harper voice) I've said it before and I'll say it again: boy can I pick 'em!
The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.
Picking the Chiefs This Season:
Straight Up: 2-0-0.
Against the Spread: 2-0-0.
Upset / Week: 1-0-0, both SU and ATS.
Let's begin.
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OK, first off, let's give the massesdozenstens singles of people reading this, what they want:
Now?
Let's begin.
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There's no serious pep talk coming this week.
If you actually need motivation to get excited for this game?
Then question your credentials as a Chiefs fan.
Because this?
Is what I -- and many of you -- have waited our entire lives for.
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Come 11:50ish on Sunday morning, we are going to witness something, most of us have never seen before.
Sh*t, just because I like irrationally love this scene, let's link it, to set the stage:
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Normally, when every reputable pundit picks one team, I tend to pick the other. Call it the "Wayne Allyn Root Contrarian Theory". When every man and his brother thinks one thing? Bet the other.
I have yet to see a credible pundit pick the 49ers to win this game, which frustrates me. (tipper gore voice) Frankly? I am scared.
(Note: other than the Tiger Woods Biography, and anything involving the Sweeney Sisters? This is my favorite SNL Sketch of all time. Also, this is bar none, my favorite Phil Hartman character.)
But really -- I am scared.
Because I know what I think this game is going to be.
And it's exactly in line, with damned near every major pundit.
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So let's do this then.
Come 11:50ish on Sunday morning, there will be three words spoken over the public address system, that is going to cause that 142.2 record?
To look like a kid in a sandbox.
Because 207.9 is in play.
And that's not a joke.
Because the moment our PA dude announces "and at quarterback"?
"All her life she has seen,
The meaner side of me.
They took away the prophet's dream?
For a profit on the street.
Now she's stronger than you know --
A heart of steel starts to grow ...
All his life he's been told,
He'll be nothing when he's old.
All the kicks and all the blows?
He won't ever let it show.
'Cause he's stronger than you know --
A heart of steel starts to grow ...
When you've been fighting for it all your life?
You've been struggling to make things right?
That's how a superhero learns to fly!
(Every day! Every hour! Turn the pain into power!)
When you've been fighting for it all your life?
You've been working every day and night?
That's how a superhero learns to fly!
(Every day! Every hour! Turn the pain into power!)
All the hurt? All the lies?
All the tears that they cry?
When the moment is just right?
You see fire in their eyes!
'Cause he's stronger than you know --
A heart of steel starts to grow!
When you've been fighting for it all your life?
You've been struggling to make things right?
That's how a superhero learns to fly!
(Every day! Every hour! Turn the pain into power!)
When you've been fighting for it all your life?
You've been working every day and night?
That's how a superhero learns to fly!
(Every day! Every hour! Turn the pain into power!) ...
Last Week SU: 10-5-1. Season to Date SU: 10-5-1.
(Note: not sure how to count the tie, so I counted it as a tie.)
Last Week Upset / Week: again, how to count the tie? Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 1-0-0. Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 0-0-1. This Week's Upset / Week: (mr. hoduski voice) stay tuned.
The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Picks.
* at Bengals (-1) 31, Ravens 14. The only thing dumber than picking the Bengals in a prime time contest, is believing the Ravens are a playoff-caliber team. They're not. My nephew's flag football team could have beaten the Bills last week, and he's not only ten, he doesn't play flag football. The Bills are putr ... what? (Pause). You're kidding. There's a text message, that just arrived, regarding god-awful football teams? What are the f*cking odds of that happening?
OK, send it through.
"Getting donkey punched by ... a 7 year old is quite an accomplishment" -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.
True story: that was an actual text sent to me Monday night, by this site's "Voice of Reason".
(If it's possible for this site to have some semblance of reason. I'm not convinced that it is, and this is year eleven blogging here.)
Also a true story: entering Monday night's games, team tito (me) trailed 109.6-39.3 to GO BIG RED.
GO BIG RED's general manager? Is a second grader.
Let that sink in. I was down sixty points!
TO A SEVEN YEAR OLD!!!!!
I defy you to find anyone else with an IQ above that of a fallen leaf, capable of that accomplishment. Go on. I dare you. I dare you!
What I actually find stunning? Is that I was not only sober, but not on a date, while drafting my squad this year! That's the first time in ... well, ever, that one of those two things couldn't be said about why my draft was so awful! (To be fair, that's twenty "sh*t faced drunk" and one "on a date" drafts, but still.)
Even sober? I still can't put together a team capable of going better than 3-10 and earning a top two pick next year!
So lesson learned. Next year I'm just gonna wake and bake on Draft Day, drink all afternoon, and hit up the Eclipse a half hour before the draft starts. Fat, drunk and stupid may be no way to go through life, but drunk, stoned, and screwed isn't any worse of an option.
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(And that, peoples and peepettes, is a new segment going to appear (hopefully) in each week's picks post: the "Best Rip of Stevo O' The Week". It can be a text, an email, a tweet, a snarky ass comment in the break room, a hilarious rip of me in the comments section. Consider this your invitation to open fire at me. The shot that I find the funniest, will get posted, credited, and responded to.)
(Also, as my best friends can confirm -- and if you peruse the site, you'll see it's true -- nobody makes more fun of me, than me. I'm a big boy. I can take it.)
(Back to this poorly prepared post of pigskin prognostications. Sadly, still porn star free.)
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* at Redskins (-6) 38, Colts 24. This could actually turn into a sneaky good contest.
* at "Shane" Falcons (-6) 31, Panthers 13. In the words of Stevo's Site Numero Dos' Official Color Commentator (Emeritus), the great Dan Dierdorf: "it would behoove the Atlanta Falcons to win this game".
* Texans (-2) 27, at Titans 10. I'm assuming Marcus Mariota plays.
* "Super" Chargers (-7) 34, at Bills 3. Holy stench, Batman! This game reeks from 2,000 miles away! Hang on ... (stevo scanning the remaining matchups) ... oh yeah. Ain't we lucky we got 'em? "Good Times Game O' The Week" honors!
* Eagles (-3) 27, at Bucs 13. Yo, Fitzy? Where the hell was that effort in the 2015 finale, when you sh*t the bed at The Ralph and cost the Jets the six seed? God bless, I hate damned near every quarterback not named Norman Esiason to wear the Green.
* at Saints 34, Browns (+9) 30. I'm not laying nine on a defense this awful. Holy God, I couldn't have defended the pass worse than the Saints did last week, and let's just say, a legless, armless dude could have torched me for 9 catches, 240 yards, and 5 TDs on the grass at Holy Trinity (brantley gilbert voice) back in the day.
* at Rams (-13) 45, "Super" Cardinals 3. On the other hand, they could bump this line to seventeen and I'd lay the points. It's a shame Buffalo and Arizona don't play each other this year. That'd be a sight to behold avoid at all costs. Also, "Gordon Shumway Game O' The Week" honors.
* at 49ers 31, Lions (+6) 28 (OT). The Lions cannot possibly be this bad. Also, the last thing in the world I want as a Chiefs fan is an 0-2 San Francisco team descending on Arrowhead next week. I need my "Perfect Chiefs Game" * for the Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" era's beginning.
(*: the "perfect Chiefs game" is when the Chiefs get up three scores (ideally at halftime, acceptable early third quarter) on a 80 plus degree sunny afternoon, and I get to spend the second half with the feet propped up, a beer in hand, wondering where the hell my t-shirt disappeared to. Note: these rarely if ever happen outside of the preseason. In fact, I believe 2010 was the last time it did ... ironically, against the 49ers.)
* at Jaguars (+1) 31, Patriots 20. Best game of the weekend. Really looking forward to this one.
* raiders (+6) 20, at those people 3. I know on 9/11 Week this is going to sound crass and so, so wrong ... but once again, readers: if terrorists strike whatever the hell they're call fake mile high as this game is underway? It is not a national tragedy. It is cause for a national celebration.
* at Cowboys (-3) 17, Giants 6. I ask this with all sincerity: what fan of this sport would prefer this slopfest to Jags / Pats as the Sunday Nighter? I don't need to watch the Cowboys whip the Giants' worthless asses eight ways from Sunday every season in prime time. We get it, broadcast people. God forbid you offer up some variety -- especially early on in the season.
I mean, it's not like your ratings are holding steady -- or improving! -- showing the same tired, stale sh*t every week in prime time, right?
(Note: I believe this is one of the three reasons ratings are falling for the NFL: retread matchups noone outside of the New England corridor gives a damn about. Nobody west of Philadelphia and north of The District is tuning in for a Giants prime time game, other than the media market that houses the team the Giants are facing. The other two reasons? The demographic that elevated the NFL to the top of the ratings heap (men my age: 25-45), now have families and/or jobs that don't allow us to stay up until pushing midnight for a Week Eight showdown ... and sadly, there is some backlash to the Anthem "crisis" our (biting my tongue ...) President has created. The Anthem backlash, I'd argue, is the least problematic -- and most easily solved -- of the three reasons. But like with everything else he touches? The Anthem debacle has blown up on Roger Goodell. And like all the other blowups? Deservedly so.)
* at Bears (-3 1/2) 24, Seahawks 14. Losses like Sunday night always affect the season in one trajectory or another. My way of saying, the Bears are either finishing 9-7 / 10-6 and on the fringes of a wild card berth ... or 3-13 and giving the raiders a top five pick. As a Chiefs fan, I pray it's the former, and not the latter.
The "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week.
I'm giving the "King of Klass" a pass this week, mainly because he hasn't posted anything worth dissecting for (pick one) being an outrageous lie / being utterly self-righteous and hypocritical / making zero to little sense. Let's have a better week, Ol' Kev. Deliver us an instant Keitz Klassik next week, please.
The Watching Party Plans.
We'll be on the patio. It's "Kids Kook" Day for the homegating. I am making two of the only three things I am even semi-qualified to make (and I do make them well), my jalapeno poppers and that awesome lil' concoction called "taco soup". (I also make jello shots better than anyone not named Rachelle; those I'm saving for next week.) I know we'll have the lil' weenies wrapped in bacon, and I'm fairly confident the buffalo dip will be available.
Why the hell we're making food with a bite to it, when the forecasted high in Kansas City on Sunday is currently 90 degrees, I have no idea. But hey, the Pool is still open, and it actually doesn't feel as bad as you'd think. (The water temp is still in the low 70s, and figures to rise as (thank you Jesus!) the heat rises here this week as well.)
As always, anyone is welcome to attend. Just brace yourselves though. I actually hate the Steelers more than I hate the raiders, gun to my head. I will probably not be as pleasant to be around, as I was last week. (jaimmie voice) Wait -- you were "pleasant to be around" last week?!?!?!
The Tailgating Plans.
There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is not a Chiefs game I will be in attendance for.
Stevo's Drink O' The Week.
There are some things in life that never fail to disappoint. Like me, for example. (Rimshot!)
But there are those very, very few things that never fail to not only meet the hype, but kick said hype to (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base. And one of those things is without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- the best beer ever brewed.
Shiner Bock.
For the record, I had eleven of them during the Chiefs game. I could have had fifteen more and still had room to top off the tank. I'd forgotten how insanely good Shiner Bock is.
But more to the point, I am returning to my adopted home state ** the last week in October *** for my cousin's wedding. And according to Google, Shiner, Texas is a mere 90 minutes from the Riverwalk (where I'll be staying). Factor in that it'll be me or my brother driving, and you can knock that down to 75 minutes, max.
Get ready, Spoetzl Brewery. 'Cause I'm coming.
(**: Texas is one of two states that arguably has a legal right to secede from the union, given they entered the union as an independent nation, not a colony or territory. (The other is Hawaii.) If Texas ever secedes, buh bye Kansas City. Houston here I come!) (***: I am fully aware of the Chiefs game on Sunday, October 28, at noon CT. I have a 5:02am flight out of San Antonio that Sunday morning back to KC, via Dallas, that lands at KCI at 8:07am. I should be at Arrowhead by 9am, 9:30 at the latest. As always, I could literally be on my deathbed, and if someone didn't wheel my to my seat for the game against those people? I wouldn't be the one dying.)
The Flashback.
Wow. The choices a game against the Steelers presents.
The Mitch Lyons Game (1999 Week Fifteen). The single most ridiculous booze smuggling moment I've ever seen at Arrowhead (aka "The Beer Boy Game") (2001 Week Six Five). Prime Time Playoff Football (2016 Divisional Round). The game that kicked off the greatest turnaround in Chiefs history (2015 Week Seven). Marcus Allen throws a touchdown pass (1997 Week Ten). Elvis Grbac drops his infamous "I can't both throw and catch the ball" line (1998 Week Eight). Andy Studebaker happens Part I (2009 Week Eleven).
But for this week, there's only one obvious choice.
1986 Week Sixteen.
It not only marked the last time the Chiefs won in Pittsburgh entering this week ... it also was a victory that propelled the Red and Gold to the postseason for the first time in my life.
Presented without commentary below, other than to note, if anyone wonders why Dave Taub hasn't gotten a fair shot at a head coaching gig yet, this game -- specifically our special teams coach in this game -- is reason numero uno:
Disreputable Mexican Food Truck Update.
As noted last week, I've now been employed in my current job for a year **** . And in case you didn't know, I work in the shadow of PennTower on 31st and Broadway.
Most days I try to take at least a quick walk at lunch, if only to go grab lunch. (Hey, you smell Gates all day long and tell me you wouldn't at least be drawn towards that fine establishment a couple blocks away.)
During the summer, my pattern was the same most days: exit the office, head north on Broadway, then east on 31st, south on Main, west on Linwood, and then back north on Broadway to the office. It's about a fifteen minute walk, which when it's 96 and sunny at noon, is about all you can handle when you have to wear a shirt and tie every day.
Anyways, for most of the summer, the most amazing sight for me every day has been the destroyed metal fence in front of my congressman's office on 31st Street. (I'll take "drunk driver for 800, Alex".) "Sleazy" Manny Cleaver (or "Car Wash" Cleaver -- either one works), this fine upstanding man of the cloth, hasn't bothered to pay to replace said fence. (Which stuns me -- "Sleazy" Manny has NEVER met an expense billed to us Jackson County taxpayers he's ever said no to, before, up to and including his bankrupt car wash).
So, now that the temperature has been more, uuh, reasonable, at lunch time, I've gone back to my preferred walking pattern -- to head south down Broadway to the Uptown Theatre, and then back to the office. About the same distance, about the same amount of time, only I like the view better ***** .
If you live in Kansas City, odds are you've been to a concert at the Uptown before. (Or had a fun night of ... something, next door at Hamburger Mary's. I've certainly done both.) The beauty of the Uptown is that the outside has not aged a day since about 1962. Right down to still having to put up the lettering for the facade announcing future bookings.
Peoples and peepettes?
The old school facade outside the Uptown is no more.
Holy hell, Batman! They went digital! What's next, Hamburger Mary's not employing drag queens? Comedy City actually filling its' parking lot?
I could not believe this development. (In the interest of full disclosure, the Uptown is my second favorite concert venue in our fine metropolitan area, behind only Starlight Theatre. (Pause). You're damned right I spell "theatre" and "centre" like they were meant to be spelled: Canadian style.)
The Uptown Theatre has entered the 1980s.
Circle me confused, Bert. Circle me confused.
(****: in my previous job, our salaries had been frozen since 2011. I had not had a raise in seven years. I knew I was getting one, because my boss asked if I was going to be there all of last week (I was), as I needed to sign my review to get my raise on my next check. I was hoping for 5%. I got 12% ... and that's where the story goes from "holy sh*t" to "holy f*cking sh*t!" Because as I was staring at the 12% raise (approximately $6,500 / year), my boss' boss (who isn't exactly my biggest fan) then dropped the four best words I've heard in a long time: "I fought for twenty (percent)." I may f*ck up and fail at 92.46% of my life ... but at least I'm damned good at my job. And for the first time in seven years, sees that job recognized with more than a "as you know, salaries are frozen, but if they weren't ..." plea to stick around another year.)
(*****: if you haven't been down to Midtown in a while ... do yourself a favor. (And no, you won't need an armor-plated car for this exercise ... anymore, anyway.) Drive down, uuh, Armour Boulevard, between Main and The Paseo. Especially between Gillham and The Paseo. And look at what has become of Hyde Park! It is -- and given I live in Waldo, which ain't exactly a shabby part of Kansas City, and given I take Ward Parkway through the Plaza to work everyday, again not a shabby part of Kansas City, this is saying something -- I honestly think that stretch of road on Armour is the coolest, prettiest, most awe-inspiring stretch of the city. Five years ago, damned near every house and complex was boarded up and/or occupied by a homeless drug addict. Now? If you can find one, a studio starts $900 / month, and an actual bedroom starts at $1,350 / month. Two bedroom? $2,350 / month. (Believe me, I looked ... and nearly choked, given I pay $550 / month for my wing of the house I rent.) I've said it before and I'll say it again: you can have suburbia. Give me the city. Because eventually? Suburbia is going to die too, like the city did thirty years ago. Unlike the city? Once suburbia dies, it ain't coming back. At least not like Hyde Park, Union Hill, and Valentine has.)
The Jets Prediction.
Picking the Jets This Season:
Straight Up: 0-1-0.
Against the Spread: 0-1-0.
Upset / Week: not applicable yet.
Well, I never saw that coming.
I've been referring to Sam Darnold as Browning Nagel Junior for a few months now, and go figure, his first pass as a Jet, was a TaINT.
The rest of the game? Far, far better than any Jets fan had any right or reason to expect.
And so, for what, the tenth time in thirty years? The latest franchise salvation under center makes his debut at the Fake Meadowlands.
Either the Dolphins or the Jets are going to be 2-0 (unless we see another tie), and likely atop the AFC East two weeks in. Enjoy it while it lasts guys.
* at Jets (-3) 28, Dolphins 17.
The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.
Picking the Chiefs This Season:
Straight Up: 1-0-0.
Against the Spread: 1-0-0.
Upset / Week: not applicable yet.
("the congregation") (getting restless)
("pastor stevo") (shifting his "sermon" notes)
("pastor stevo") (chugging a shiner bock)
Let's begin.
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There's one moment from last week's season opening win, that still, five days later, has me so geeked up I nearly tear up just seeing it * .
It was not a play made by Tyreek Hill. It was not one of those awesome RPO "passes" at the goalline that made a significant contribution to my blowout defeat to a seven year old. It was not Ron Parker's interception (the most underrated play of the game, in my opinion). It was not DAT stripping and recovering a fumble at the Chargers two (that should have broke the Chargers back, for what it's worth).
It wasn't Spencer Ware absolutely demolishing Derwin James in the open field. It wasn't whoever the Chargers employ as their kicker nowadays shanking his last attempt, to seal the victory for the Red and Gold.
In fact?
It wasn't even a play at all.
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(*: let's just acknowledge the Captain Oats right off the bat: it is going to be insanely dusty in Section 132 next Sunday, come about 11:50am. There is not enough Benadryl in the metropolitan area, to keep my tear ducts from getting clogged with, uuh, tears, about that time next Sunday, as the offense is introduced. And I guaran-damn-tee you, I won't be the only one, to have a bad allergic reaction to the Chiefs' refusal to spray our seats down with Pledge or Endust or some other dust-clearing thingy, on GameDay morning.)
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The moment was Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs", on the sideline, after a Chiefs touchdown last Sunday. Based on the comment, based on his words, it has to be from the second half. It's five simple words. Five words that, I am guessing, every other NFL team has had their quarterback say before. (Well, except for maybe the Browns.)
Five words that, to be honest?
I've never heard a Chiefs quarterback say, prior to Sunday.
Five words that reflect just how much one person can influence a franchise. Can affect the entire mindset of a team, of an organization.
Five simple words.
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"We ain't stopping! Bury them!" -- Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs".
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When I heard that watching the highlights on Sunday night, I got chills. I mean, chills.
This is what I've waited for, for my entire life. A quarterback who gets it.
When you have your opponent down on the mat?
Go for the god*mned jugular.
For all the good he did, "Sir" Alex Smith doesn't have that killer mentality. Even the one time he appeared to be energized and fired up and ready to seize the leadership reigns by the teeth, while firing pistols out of both hands ... it was while leading the biggest comeback in franchise history. He wasn't trying to bury an opponent; he was trying to outlive an opponent.
And as for the flotsam, jetsum, and abject garbage that preceded "Sir" Alex, I mean, are you kidding me? Brady Quinn never said those words. Tyler Palko is incapable of saying those words. Tyler Thigpen probably said them, but given he never won a game, they were kind of hollow.
Damon Huard didn't say those words. "Brokie" Croyle sure as hell never did. Perhaps Trent Green did, but again, a hollow threat; the "32 Defense" couldn't stop a peanut shell from scoring. Elvis Grbac never said them.
Steve Bono saying those five words? Hang on, I need to close the office door so that my reports don't hear me laughing out loud for fifteen straight minutes.
(Or figure out I'm not exactly "working" right now.)
This, quite simply, is what the Red and Gold has been missing for thirty plus years. Not just a home-grown franchise quarterback ... but a home-grown franchise quarterback who embraces the role. Not just tolerates it -- owns it.
And not just owns it -- he flaunts the target on his back as a source of pride.
Our own superhero, so to speak.
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If last Sunday was "earning the cape", so to speak, then this Sunday, it's time to fly.
It's time to soar to heights this team could only dream about, for most of my life.
It's time to do something that this team hasn't done since December 21, 1986.
This week's Upset O' The Week?
Are my five inspirational words, that almost always pay off with a win for the Red and Gold.
This week's Upset O' The Week?
(stevo sighing in disgust) Take a mother f*cking guess.
* Chiefs (+4) 34, at Steelers 14. I don't think this game is going to be close. I think the Steelers are going to be worse than even I imagined they would be this year, and considering I picked them to go 8-8 and miss the playoffs, that's saying something.
As always, until next time, (sgt. esterhaus voice) Hey! Let's be careful out there ...
Unlike last year, I'm not splitting this into five pieces, namely because I don't have the time to do it. So here we go, via the Version 1.0 NFL Power Poll for 2018.
Oh, and the schedule runs will appear as the eight division winners appear farther down this post.
(And yes, I know -- I somehow wound up with a 255-257 record. I literally spent an afternoon at work going line by line across sheets to find the error, and I couldn't do it. Also, I should probably note, this is year twenty of me working as a reinsurance accountant across two global and one local reinsurance companies. I am a fairly well known name in the industry (which, in a rarity for me, being fairly well known is a positive). And I couldn't find one error on seventeen lines of a tab despite four hours and multiple formulas (to say nothing of literally printing off each tab and going literally line by line by hand, to try to find said error). I feel you should know that.)
All I can say, is that if you're a fan of the direction the NFL is heading on the field? (And I sure as hell am!) Then you're gonna love the final four matchups, my schedule run came up with.
And I mean LOVE.
Because there isn't a quarterback over the age of 24, in my Final Four.
This is gonna be a brutal season for the Ravens. So brutal? That I project they will "accomplish" something they have never done in 22 prior years: lose at Arrowhead in a game that counts.
On the bright side, you got Josh Rosen, my favorite QB in this year's draft. On the down side, you got Josh Rosen, my favorite QB in this year's draft.
30. New York Giants (NFC East). Projected Record: 4-12-0 Overall / 2-4-0 Division / 4-8-0 Conference.
I give it until about seven minutes left in the second quarter Sunday, before the "Pat Must Go!" chants break out at Fake Giants Stadium. Considering Pat Shurmur never should have been hired, that seems like a conservative guesstimate, on the exact point the fanbase revolts against this indefensible hire.
29. New York Jets (AFC East). Projected Record: 4-12-0 Overall / 2-4-0 Division / 4-8-0 Conference.
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (NFC South). Projected Record: 5-11-0 Overall / 3-3-0 Division / 4-8-0 Conference.
Opening 0-5 (as I project the Bucs will do) does nothing to help inspire confidence in the future of this franchise. Much less the present.
27. Los Angeles "Super" Chargers (AFC West). Projected Record: 6-10-0 Overall / 2-4-0 Division / 4-8-0 Conference.
This team is 4-11 in games that count prior to October 9th the previous three years. Four. And. Eleven.
(In contrast? The Chiefs are 9-5. (We had the early bye (Week 5) in 2016 to account for a one game difference.) The point being? The Chiefs average being two games ahead of these guys at the quarter point of the season, the last three years. Also, the Chiefs owned divisional wins over the Chargers at the quarter point in both 2016 and 2017, as part of those nine wins and eleven Charger defeats, so make it effectively three games up with eleven to play.)
Their head coach is a blithering idiot, their quarterback has more kids (eight at last count) than playoff berths in his career (five at last count), they play in a stadium that freaking Dolphins fans outnumbered Chargers fans in last fall (to say nothing of every other visitor to wherever the hell they play at), and as if all that isn't damning enough ...
They open vs Chiefs (who they haven't beaten in their last eight attempts) / at Bills (however awful the Bills may be, home openers are always dicey) / at Rams (good luck guys) / vs 49ers (whose fans will definitely outnumber Chargers fans for). That smells like 1-3 at best.
Throw in a brutal last five (at Steelers / vs Bengals / at Chiefs (Thurs) / vs Ravens / at those people), to say nothing of the huge roster improvement of one divisional foe (and that foe ain't the Chiefs, and it ain't the raiders), and this just seems like the preseason darling that is going to sh*t the bed this fall.
I actually have the Bears at 6-4 going to Detroit on Turkey Day, before the floor collapses. (The last six is brutal folks -- roadies to the Lions, 49ers and Vikings, plus home games against the Rams and Packers.) I also have the Bears with a better final record than a third place finisher, and a second place finisher, in other divisions. But since I project them to finish last in the NFC Norris, they fall into Tier One.
The compass is pointed north in the Windy City for once. There's a future here worth looking forward to for once.
I have the Indianapolis Colts in a "win and they're in" finale against the Titans. (Hint: they won't win.) If Andrew Luck is healthy, this team will be in the wildcard mix, if not in the hunt for the AFC South. But that's one gigantic big "if".
I have the Browns on the fringe of things for a wild card berth entering December. This team is finally headed in the wrong right direction. I just couldn't find a ninth win for them in the run. And considering some of the wins I gave them, nine really seems like a stretch. But if anybody can pull it off, and obtain a "how the f*ck did this happen?!?!?!" playoff berth a year after rock stinking bottom, it's John Dorsey. (frank gifford voice) We've seen it before. (dan dierdorf voice) Oh yeah!
22. those people (AFC West). Projected Record: 8-8-0 Overall / 2-4-0 Division / 6-6-0 Conference.
The clusterf*ck at 9-7 / 8-8 in the AFC is so f*cking beautiful I nearly cried watching it play out. Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven, but eight -- eight! -- AFC squads at 8-8 or 9-7, with a ninth at 7-9, and two more at 10-6. Five of those eleven, are making the playoffs.
Thankfully, one of those four five is not going to be those people, the most despicable, indefensible, intolerable, vile, evil, demonic sports franchise to ever be birthed. I despise, and I mean despise, those people so much, I decided two years ago to just give in to the unfiltered hatred, and refuse to even type their name, let alone say it. Sh*t, I don't even use nicknames anymore like "bronkeys" or "unicorns" or "donkeys" or "heaving penises", because that gives them too much respect.
There's a reason why my first task at tailgating every week (after getting the Bus unloaded of course), is to lynch that despicable mascot with his five nooses, stuff that Chiefs pacifier in his demonic face, and slap the Chiefs diaper on him. And that reason is to give each and every fan the ability to let Cinco Noose Donkey know exactly what we think of him and his people. (Hint: his helmet was broken due to a drunken meltdown by someone (cough me cough) after the 2015 defeat to those people.)
Anyways, back to the Poll. If only because a pole is the only thing any female those people fan is even remotely qualified, to work on.
Surprise? Somebody has to finish third in the South, and I'm fairly confident it won't be New Orleans, which leaves the "Shane" Falcons and Panthers to battle it out for the "honors". Having six of their last nine (including all three divisional ones) on the road killed their stretch run.
The Eagles last four buried them; I have them losing all three roadies in that stretch (Rams, Cowboys, Redskins), to miss the postseason.
19. San Francisco 49ers (NFC West). Projected Record: 9-7-0 Overall / 4-2-0 Division / 7-5-0 Conference.
The first six are going to kill the 49ers. I have them controlling their own destiny for a wild card berth entering the finale (which I have them losing) despite opening 2-4. Brighter days are ahead for these guys for sure.
I have the Vikings beating the 49ers in Week One, hence the higher ranking despite the 49ers superior conference record.
I just ... I can't explain it. There's three teams that everyone seems to love this year that I think are going to regress. One is your "Super" Chargers. The Vikings are the second. I don't like f*cking with chemistry at the quarterback position, that's working. (See Chiefs, 1997-1998). I really don't like f*cking with it for someone outside the building that doesn't know the playbook, doesn't know the culture, doesn't know the franchise. (See Chiefs, 1997-1998).
Week Sixteen wound up being the Vikings kryptonite. If they had won in Week Sixteen, they not only would have made the playoffs, they would have been the three seed as NFC Norris champs.
Every year (or so it seems), some team blindly / drunkenly / stonedly (is that a word?) / by the skin of its' ass, sneaks into the playoffs, by literally losing their way into them. The Titans did it last year, losing three of four. I have two of them doing it this year, one being the Jags.
I have the Jaguars losing three of their last four, and five of their last seven, yet never really being in danger of missing the playoffs (I have the Jags clinching at least a wild card berth in Week Fifteen).
Still, in the AFC, where I have exactly six squads with a winning record, don't sleep on anyone. Anyone can win this thing, save for the Ravens and probably the Jets.
And this is the third team everyone is hyping, that I don't get the hype for.
I just don't see it. They lose a rock solid offensive coordinator, (al michaels voice) Ben is a year older, LeVeon Bell is holding out, Ryan Shazier can inspire but he can't tackle, and ... I mean, should I go on?
These guys remind me of the 2004 Chiefs, the 2010 Chargers, the 2017 Cowboys -- teams with the talent to make the playoffs, that for a variety of reasons, fail to get there. (Also, teams that indefensibly sh*t the bed at home in the Divisional Round, the year before. Those are the teams that tend to regress the following season. Probably because they're as hung over as I usually am, after a Chiefs "how the hell did this happen?" defeat in January.)
raiders finish ahead of those people via head to head sweep.
I also have the raiders in complete and total control of their own destiny, entering Week Sixteen. Win out and they're in. I project they won't. Which means they're the first team out in the AFC, via tiebreakers that I refuse to try to re-run. (When you have a five way clusterf*ck at 8-8, and strength of victory starts getting tossed around, it's time to call it a day.)
I project the finale at New Orleans to not only be a "win and you're in" scenario for both teams, I project that it's a "win and you're the division champs, lose and you miss the playoffs entirely" scenario for both teams.
(My way of saying, I project NBC to flex this one, into the final Sunday night slot.)
A de-facto playoff game to end the season between two hated rivals, who just met in the playoffs last year.
I love this sport sometimes.
12. Green Bay Packers (NFC Norris). Projected Record: 10-6-0 Overall / 3-3-0 Division / 6-6-0 Conference.
No, I do not have the Green Bay Packers in the playoffs, although in this case, it is entirely their own fault. I have them losing head to head to both wild card teams (which eliminates them, if I read the tiebreaker rules correctly, in a three way tie between teams in three different divisions), and I have the Lions with a better conference record, which costs them the division (again, if I read the tiebreaker rules right, and after doing this schedule run across parts of three days, I'm not re-reading them until December).
I also want to get on record that Mike McCarthy will be the stunning "whoa! Dude got sh*t canned!" firing come December 31st.
Texans earn tiebreaker over the Jaguars via conference record.
I have the Texans winning five of their last six to get in (the sole defeat being at Philly). And all I can say, is that if the Texans get in on a hot streak, with Deshaun Watson fully healthy under center, look out, AFC playoff bracket. Look out.
I have the Seahawks at 6-5 after a defeat in Carolina. They have four of their last five at home (the roadie is at the 49ers). My way of saying, if the Seahawks are 6-5 entering Week Thirteen, they're going to get to ten wins, and ten wins coupled with the tiebreakers I envision them having (Green Bay and Dallas both travel to Seattle earlier in the season) get them in. Barely.
Say what you want about "Sir" Alex Smith, but the bottom line is that in his time in Kansas City, he averaged 10 wins a season, made the playoffs four out of five years (winning two division titles), and the year the Chiefs missed the postseason, they missed it on tiebreakers.
Why would you expect anything else, because he goes from one reasonably solid roster to another? I don't. The Redskins know what they're trading for. Given that fanbase's expectations, this probably won't end well, but at least it won't begin as a dumpster fire.
I have the Bengals at 9-3, at least two games clear of every other projected AFC Division leader, entering Week Fourteen.
I think we can all guess, how this is going to end.
Your AFC Norris Schedule Run:
7. New Orleans Saints (NFC South). Projected Record: 9-7-0 Overall / 3-3-0 Division / 7-5-0 Conference. Postseason: NFC South Champions (Fourth Seed Overall).
Saints earn tiebreaker over Panthers via conference record.
I probably have them a win or two too low, to be honest, and probably a seed or two too low as well, but good teams don't give a damn about their seed. They only care about being a seed, to ensure a game or four in January.
Lions win tiebreaker over the Packers via conference record.
Since I have nothing to add, your NFC Norris Schedule Run:
5. Kansas City Chiefs (AFC West). Projected Record: 10-6-0 Overall / 5-1-0 Division / 8-4-0 Conference. Postseason: AFC West Champions (Third Seed Overall).
In the interest of full disclosure, I am a Chiefs Season Ticket Member. (Section 132 Represent!) So if you want to yell that the schedule run was rigged? Feel free; nobody's stopping you.
(Or disagreeing with you.)
But also, in the interest of fairness and honesty, if the "Super" Chargers implode early (as they always do), what other outcome is there for the AFC West? I mean sh*t, we did everything but shove the division into the raiders and "Super" Chargers laps last year. The Chiefs dropped five of six, fell into a three way tie at 6-6 with four weeks left, with the raiders and Chargers coming to Arrowhead, where the Chiefs had lost two straight and three of four. We did everything short of waving the white flag, and no other team could step into the void! (The Chiefs pounded the raiders and Chargers, to effectively clinch the division, with two weeks to play.)
Do you think those people are getting to ten wins? I had to stretch to get them to eight! Do you think the raiders are getting to ten wins? I have them at 5-7 with four to play, and before you note the "yeah, but they can beat the Chiefs at home", do I have to go there? I guess I do.
"Fat" Andy Reid coming off a bye week? Is damned near unbeatable.
(He's won his last four exiting a bye, and is 14-3 career the week after the bye.)
Our bye week falls?
The week before the trip to the Bay.
Until I see evidence that one of these other three pretenders is ready to get serious about challenging for the division, the default is your two time defending champ.
Cowboys win tiebreaker over Redskins via divisional record.
And here's where one Week One projection -- Cowboys over Panthers -- altered everything in the NFC.
The Cowboys win gives them the two seed and a bye; keeps the Packers out of the playoffs entirely, hands the NFC South to New Orleans, and knocks the Panthers out of the playoffs entirely.
A Carolina win? Gives the Redskins the NFC East and the two seed (I project the Redskins beat the Panthers in Week Six), the Panthers the NFC South and the three seed, and gets the Packers into the playoffs as the six seed.
My head hurts. Here's your NFC East Schedule Run:
3. New England Patriots (AFC East). Projected Record: 10-6-0 Overall / 4-2-0 Division / 8-4-0 Conference. Postseason: AFC East Champions (Second Seed Overall).
Patriots win tiebreaker over Chiefs for second seed via Week Six victory.
I think this is the year New England finally regresses to the mean ... but come on. That division is so f*cking awful 6-10 might win it by two games.
Your AFC East Schedule Run:
2. Tennessee Titans (AFC South). Projected Record: 11-5-0 Overall / 3-3-0 Division / 8-4-0 Conference. Postseason: AFC South Champions (First Seed Overall).
I'm probably more stunned than you.
Your AFC South Schedule Run:
1. Los Angeles Rams (NFC West). Projected Record: 11-5-0 Overall / 4-2-0 Division / 8-4-0 Conference. Postseason: NFC West Champions (First Seed Overall).
I am not even remotely surprised by this. If anything, I'm stunned the Rams topped out at only eleven wins. To say I'm high on this team, is about as grouse an understatement as noting I went through my 20s drunk, my 30s stoned, and I'm paying for my 20s and 30s in my 40s.
Your NFC West Schedule Run:
Finally ...
Tier Five: The Postseason.
Wild Card Round.
* Saturday, January 5, 2019, 3:30pm CT (ESPN / ABC): 5 Houston Texans 31, at 4 Cincinnati Bengals 21.
You betting on the Bengals to win in the postseason? Because I've been there, done that, and refuse to do it again.
* Saturday, January 5, 2019, 7:30pm CT (NBC): 6 Seattle Seahawks 27, at 3 Detroit Lions 41.
Holy hell, Detroit itself might burn to the ground if this result happens. #riotaway
* Sunday, January 6, 2019, noon CT (FOX): 5 Washington Redskins 13, at 4 New Orleans Saints 34.
It was fun while it lasted, 'Skins.
* Sunday, January 6, 2019, 3:30pm CT (CBS): 6 Jacksonville Jaguars 13, 3 Kansas City Chiefs 23.
Speaking of cities that might burn themselves to the ground because the home football team finally won a home playoff game, my home town everybody! Just please spare Waldo, that's all I ask. I kind of like where I live.
Divisional Round.
* Saturday, January 12, 2019, 3:30pm CT (NBC): 3 Kansas City Chiefs 27, at 2 New England Patriots 20.
If The Sanchize can win a divisional round game in Foxboro? If Joe Freaking Flacco can win a conference championship game in Foxboro? Then Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs" can too, god*mmit.
* Saturday, January 12, 2019, 7:30pm (FOX): 4 New Orleans Saints 38, at 1 Los Angeles Rams 41 (OT).
Your de-facto Super Bowl. And it is going to be great to watch.
* Sunday, January 13, 2019, noon CT (CBS): 5 Houston Texans 38, at 1 Tennessee Titans 31.
Watson! Mariota! Texans! Titans! Nantz! Romo! ONLY ... CBS!!!!!
(And about 35 million viewers drooling over every snap.)
* Sunday, January 13, 2019, 3:30pm CT (FOX): 3 Detroit Lions 14, at 2 Dallas Cowboys 31.
I guess that would avenge the 1991 Divisional Round?
Conference Championship Round.
* Sunday, January 20, 2019, 2pm CT (FOX): 2 Dallas Cowboys 27, at 1 Los Angeles Rams 34.
NFC Champions: 1 Los Angeles Rams.
* Sunday, January 20, 2019, 5:30pm CT (CBS): 5 Houston Texans 30, at 3 Kansas City Chiefs 35.
They're gonna have to rename the Sports Complex "Lake Arrowhead" once I'm done crying.
AFC Champions: 3 Kansas City Chiefs.
Super Bowl LIII.
* Sunday, February 3, 2019, 5:20pm CT (CBS). 1 Los Angeles Rams 34, 3 Kansas City Chiefs 24.
