week three: (jessie spano voice) i'm so excited ... i'm so excited ... i'm so ...

"Tonight's the night?
We're gonna make it happen!
Tonight we'll put?
All other things aside.

Give in this time,
And show me some affection!
We're going for those pleasures?
In the night!

I want to love you!  Feel you!
Wrap myself around you!
I want to squeeze you!  Please you!
I just can't get enough!

And if you move real slow?
I'll let it go!

I'm so excited!
And I just can't hide it!
I'm about to lose control --
And I think I like it!

I'm so excited!
And I just can't hide it!
And I know, I know, I know, I know --
I want to!

We shouldn't even
Think about tomorrow;
Sweet memories
Will last a long, long time.

We'll have a good time,
Baby don't you worry!
And if we're still playing around? 
Boy that's just fine!

Let's get excited!
We just can't hide it!
We're about to lose control --
And I think I like it!

I'm so excited!
And I just can't hide it!
I know, I know, I know, I know --
I want to!  I want to! ... "

-- "I'm So Excited" by The Pointer Sisters.

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Last Week ATS: 11-5-0.
Season to Date ATS: 20-11-1.

Last Week SU: 10-5-1.
Season to Date SU: 20-10-2.

Last Week Upset / Week: like there was ever a doubt.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 2-0-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 1-0-1.
This Week's Upset / Week: those people (+5 1/2) over Ravens.

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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Picks.

* at Eagles 24, Colts (+6 1/2) 21. 
* at Panthers (-3) 24, Bengals 14.
* at Jaguars (-6 1/2) 38, Titans 12.
* at "Shane" Falcons (-3) 31, Saints 27.
* those people (+5 1/2) 31, at Ravens 10.
* at Texans (-6) 45, Giants 0.
* raiders (+3) 17, at Dolphins 6.
* at Redskins (+3) 31, Packers 28 (OT).
* at Vikings (-16) 35, Bills 13.
* at Rams 30, "Super" Chargers (+7) 27.
* Bears 6, at "Super" Cardinals (+5 1/2) 3.  "Good Times" Game O' The Week honors.
* Cowboys (+1 1/2) 21, at Seahawks 13.
* Patriots 31, at Lions (+6) 28 (OT). 
* Steelers (-1) 38, at Bucs 20.

The "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week.

For once, Klassy Kev ain't lying.  If anything?  "K"KK is underselling the truth.  

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry over that reality.

The Watching Party Plans.

There are no The Watching Party Plans, as this is a Chiefs game I will be in attendance for.

The Tailgating Plans.

Here's what I know as of 2pm on Friday.

We will be in our usual spot -- the grassy knoll north of the G30 sign.  I know this, because I am somehow going to get my ass out of bed at 5am, to board The Bus, and head down about 6:15 with Anthony to reserve our spot, as well as Ron and Michelle and Ryan and Tyler's, as well as Roger and Bruce and Brad's.  #traditionsuckssometimes

The Chiefs claim the gates will open at 7am.  I'm calling bullsh*t on that; I'm betting the line to get in will be back to the offramp from 435 (west) and over the Stadium Drive Bridge (east) by 6:15, which will prompt an early opening.  I have an email in to my "highly placed anonymous source", referred to on this site as "Rufus", to confirm my suspicions about this.

(Note: because of where MAST is located, anytime Stadium Drive backs up past the gates, the Chiefs are virtually obligated to open the gates, irregardless of what time it is.  My money is on a 6:30 opening at the latest.)

The menu is 49er Foot Longs (note: you make your own) and my (not even remotely) world famous jalapeno poppers.  (Although given that every time I make them -- 150 plus each batch -- not a single one survives the tailgate?  I think I know what the f*ck I'm doing!)

Plus other assorted side dishes. 

Oh, and -- as always, (the late, great mr. william grigsby voice) Gates Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrresidential Platter! 

I have no idea what the drink of choice is (although I have a strong suspicion); irregardless of what the Drink O' The Game is, we'll have plenty of, uuh, drinks on hand.  (Plus a couple Gatorade's for the kids ... assuming Uncle Stevo doesn't run out of mixers for his vodka.  (Keep reading.)) 

I have no idea what the "Stevo Drink Game" over / under should be set at * .  I've had a sh*ttacular week at work that has seen each day progressively worse than the previous one, and haven't been as in tune and prepared as I should be for a home opener -- especially this home opener.

Oh -- and as always, anyone and everyone is welcome to join in the fun.  As always, we don't discriminate, disrespect, degrade, or refuse to tolerate anyone who desires to join us.  (Pause).  Unless you're a fan of those people.  And even then, I've granted exemptions to fans of those people before.  Even if they proved to be unworthy of said exemptions.  Whatever.  If you wanna join us, please come out and, uuh, join us.

I can inform you that the broken version of Drinko has been replaced with a new one, along with a roulette wheel shot selector, and a dart wheel shot selector has been purchased too.

Also, the broken cornhole board has been fixed.  (You're welcome.)

Hope to see y'all (jimmy buffett voice) come Sunday!

(*: the "Stevo Drink Game" was established years decades ago.  It is to guess, based on an over/under, the number of adult beverages I will have already consumed, when "The Voice of Reason" shows up at the tailgate.  

And for the purposes of this game, a "drink" is defined as either (a) a 12 oz or greater beer, (b) a 12 oz or greater mixed drink, or (c) a 2 oz or greater straight shot.  Jello shots are still an undefined grey area.  (Pause).  Hell yes, I spell grey like the Canadians do.  You got a problem with that?

Anyways, thinking this through logically ... I'll probably start no later than 6:15ish, when I head down to save our spot.  Figure two, probably three Coors Lights for that.  Tack on another Coors Light getting the stereo set up, we're up to four.  Figure two mimosa's when Alyssa makes them come 8am ... I'll set the over/under at 6.5.  (Pause).  Damned right I'd bet the over.)

Stevo's Drink O' The Week.

In case you don't live here in Kansas City, I can happily inform you that we have been above 90 degrees for a high each of the last six days and counting.  (Sadly, today marks the end of that awesome streak; we're barely reaching 70 today.)

And when it's a warm, sunny evening, there are four things I've always liked to do:

(a) haul a TV out onto the deck
(b) put on a show / movie / sporting event I want to watch
(c) light up a Macanudo Maduro, and
(d) enjoy a light libation.

Which means this week's drink of choice, was a classic.

Tito's Vodka and Lemon Lime Gatorade.

It's smooth.  It's refreshing. 

(It's Tito, for Christ's sake; what more do you need to know?)

Give it a try sometime.  At worst?  You'll regret it.  At best?  You'll have a new go-to when life drives you to drink.

The Flashback.

Most everyone would select the Captain Oats in this matchup, the Week Two 1994 showdown at Arrowhead between Joe Montana and Steve Young:



And yes, that is arguably the most hyped home-opener of my lifetime.  (It's that, or 2010 against the "Super" Chargers, the berth of the New Arrowhead.)

But the 49ers game I'll never forget occurred three years and three months later, over Thanksgiving Weekend 1997. 

For starters, you had something you only saw once in his (eventual) Hall of Fame career: Tony Gonzalez blocking a punt.

For second, you had my favorite Patrick J. Summerall call of all time, on the play immediately following Mr. Gonzalez' punt block, that set the Chiefs up at the 49ers 4:

"Marcus Allen.  Standing up!"

Jesus, I miss Pat Summerall.

But mostly, I remember that 44-9 ass kicking ** for (whitney houston voice) one moment in time.

Anthony Davis decapitating Steve Young.

I actually have a picture in one of the boxes I haven't unpacked (a mere 21 months after moving in) somewhere in the other bedroom ... but I did find the "after" picture out there via Google, and I gotta admit, the "after" picture makes me nut more than the "before" picture that I'll spend most of tonight trying to find:

(image credit: Getty Images, via Google search for "anthony davis steve young".)

I mean ... good God.  I need a cigarette and a shower right now, and not necessarily in that order.  Also, might need to reload the box of Lifestyles and get some more KY in the bed table drawer, because that box and tube o' lube?  Has just been spent.

That pic is just dirty, in as good a way as dirty can get.  Steve Young curled up in the fetal position, scared to death to move.  Anthony Davis and Tom Barndt huddled over his collapsed corpse ... and honestly, I can't tell -- are they taunting Mr. Young, or trying to help him up?  I pray it's a taunt.

(Also, I may or may not have printed out this picture with the intent to frame and hang it.  (Pause).  Bet on "may".)

In any event, I did manage to find one clip on Youtube! of this game, and here it is:



Out of every game 1997 gave us -- and in the interest of full disclosure, the 1997 Chiefs are my third favorite Chiefs team of all time, and at least as of now, the best Chiefs team I've ever watched -- out of every game 1997 gave us?

(principal jacobs in "mr. holland's opus voice") Of all the games 1997 gave us?  You're my favorite.

(**: the exact exchange -- and if I could figure out how to upload the old school sound file onto this blog, I'd do it to prove it:

(summerall) The punt is ... blocked!  The punt is blocked!  By ... by ... Gonzalez!
(madden) Woo!  Pat, this rookie!
(us in the stands) (roaring to the point of nearly drowning out the broadcast)
(summerall) 1st and goal, Kansas City.
(summerall) Marcus Allen.  Standing up!
(madden) Pat, the Kansas City Chiefs are taking the 49ers to the woodshed, and they are giving them the business!)

"Disreputable" Mexican Food Truck Update.

This week, I (ralph wiggum voice) choo-choo-choose! to use this space, to pimp two new locally opened restaurants I encourage everyone reading this, to give at least one try.

On Tuesday night, I went to try out the new Thai restaurant a couple blocks from my place, appropriately enough called Waldo Thai Place.

Now, to be fair, it ain't the late, great Swagger that used to occupy that spot in Mike's strip mall.

But to its' credit?  It's good.

I had the Grilled Mint Beef Salad ($14), which was absolutely as jaw-droppingly good as it sounds.  Mint Beef.  (Pause).  Yeah I know -- I need another cigarette and another shower, and not necessarily in that order (rimshot!)  I also had two glasses of pinot grigio with it (which is about two fewer than you would expect out of me, to be fair).  The tab was pushing $40 (thanks, pinot grigio) but it was worth it.

At worst, Waldo Thai Place is the 3rd best restaurant within a mile of 85th and Wornall.  (It isn't better than Chelly's ... but if you're looking for food rather than atmosphere, it beats Walsh's.)

Give it a try if you're ever down my way.

And then, today for lunch ... well, we had an unexpected half day at work.  (Hooray server crash!)  So on my route home, I decided to stop in and try out a place The Star had done a profile on a couple weeks ago, the Cornbread Buffet.

Those of you who know me best?  Know I'm a grazer.  You give me a huge plate of food, I'll eventually get through it.  It might take me an hour or two ... but I'll eventually clean it.

I had two plates down in less than twenty minutes today.

I know that you JoCo folks think driving to 63rd and The Paseo is like traveling to the heart of Compton.  Trust me -- it's not.  It's perfectly safe.  And if this place helps propel a redevelopment of The Landing and surrounding blighted areas *** ?  Then please help our amazing city rally that part of town, back to how it used to be.

That's this week's Local Locations Pimp Notes O' The Week.

(***: even I have to admit, had Hillary won?  We wouldn't be seeing the urban redevelopment, not just here in Kansas City, but across the country, that we are seeing over the last ten months.  Whatever one may think of Mr. Trump personally (and I'll spare you my thoughts), one has to concede, he has exposed every economic lie Barry and Hillary ever sold, for what they are: bullsh*t lies.)

The Jets Prediction.

Picking the Jets This Season:

Straight Up: 0-2-0.
Against the Spread: 0-2-0.
Upset / Week: not applicable yet.

This week's pick was?

(charlie harper voice) I've said it before and I'll say it again: boy can I pick 'em!

The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.

Picking the Chiefs This Season:

Straight Up: 2-0-0.
Against the Spread: 2-0-0.
Upset / Week: 1-0-0, both SU and ATS.

Let's begin.

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OK, first off, let's give the masses dozens tens singles of people reading this, what they want:



Now?

Let's begin.

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There's no serious pep talk coming this week.

If you actually need motivation to get excited for this game? 

Then question your credentials as a Chiefs fan.

Because this?

Is what I -- and many of you -- have waited our entire lives for.

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Come 11:50ish on Sunday morning, we are going to witness something, most of us have never seen before.

Sh*t, just because I like irrationally love this scene, let's link it, to set the stage:



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Normally, when every reputable pundit picks one team, I tend to pick the other.  Call it the "Wayne Allyn Root Contrarian Theory".  When every man and his brother thinks one thing?  Bet the other.

I have yet to see a credible pundit pick the 49ers to win this game, which frustrates me.  (tipper gore voice) Frankly? I am scared.

(Note: other than the Tiger Woods Biography, and anything involving the Sweeney Sisters?  This is my favorite SNL Sketch of all time.  Also, this is bar none, my favorite Phil Hartman character.)

But really -- I am scared.

Because I know what I think this game is going to be.

And it's exactly in line, with damned near every major pundit.

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So let's do this then.

Come 11:50ish on Sunday morning, there will be three words spoken over the public address system, that is going to cause that 142.2 record?

To look like a kid in a sandbox.

Because 207.9 is in play.

And that's not a joke.

Because the moment our PA dude announces "and at quarterback"?

Well, in the words of Eric Church:

"That old house?
Is gonna be shaking!
I hope those bricks and boards?
Can take it!

But I wouldn't be surprised?
If the whole damned place just falls!
I wanna rock ya baby?
Like a wrecking ball!"

Or, in the words of the theme to this post?

Let's get excited.

And don't try to hide it.

Lose control.

And don't fight it.

* at Chiefs (+6) 44, 49ers 9.