Showing posts with label tale of the tape. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tale of the tape. Show all posts

Friday, May 27, 2016

for the first time since june 18 2014 ...

"Peace?  Is what they tell me.
Love?  Am I unholy?
Lies?  Are what they tell me!

Despise?
You let control me!

The peace is dead --
In my soul?  I have blamed reasons
For my intentions?
Poor!

Yes, I'm the one who --
The only one who --
Would carry on this?
Far ...

Torn, and I am filthy.
Born?  In my own misery.
Stole?  All that you gave me!

Control?
You claimed you'd save me!

The peace is dead --
In my soul?  I have blamed reasons
For my intentions?
Poor!

Yes, I'm the one who --
The only one who! --
Would carry on this?
Far ..."

-- "Torn" by Creed.

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I spent Monday night watching the “holy sh*t, is that … is that … it is?!?!?!  Wait, what?!?!?!” season finale of “Gotham”, intending then to get some sleep after being up well past midnight for the previous three nights *.  

Instead, as I am known to do, I cracked open a bottle of shiraz, did some email, did some reading, and checked in on a few things regarding this site (like traffic figures, interesting ideas to incorporate into the page from Blogger, etc).

I also perused through some of my favorite posts I’ve, uuh, posted.  Some of which I’d totally forgotten were out there.

And at some point – and I’m guessing it was between draining bottle uno of the Lil’ Penguin and cracking open bottle dos – I went in search of a specific column.  A column that’s always fun for me to write, and that you all seem to enjoy.  And I noticed … it’s been a while.

As in almost two freaking years, since this column was last spotted on this site.

Peoples and peepettes?  It is time.  (ryan seacrest voice) Dim the lights, cue the mics, because THIS?

Is your first Fake Mailbag ... since June 18, 2014.

Enjoy?

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(*: I went to a friend's 50th birthday party Saturday night.  Her nephew and I (along with a few others) were still going strong at the Second Parents kitchen island at 5:30 on Sunday morning.  24 Year Old Me is so damned proud of 39 Year Old Me right now ... even if 39 year old me still hasn't recovered, five days later, from that all night bender ...)

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* “Admit it – it pisses you off that people like Sam Mellinger blatantly stole Twitter Tuesday (now Mellinger Minutes) from your site.  Fake Mailbag always trumps Credible Tweet!” – Eric R, Blue Springs.

Well, considering I stole the Fake Mailbag idea from The Sports Guy, and I’m sure he stole it from someone ... no, it really doesn’t piss me off at all.

Although if he starts stealing my (insert voice here) routine?  Sammy and I are gonna have to have a long, painful conversation.  That’s my (president obama regarding syria voice) red line in the sand, I won’t back down from.

* “Tyler Bray is the number two!  Tyler Bray is our backup QB as of today!  I need something stiff, stat!” – Anthony R, Independence.

Whoa buddy, calm down, ok?  First of all, we’re still two months away from players being allowed to wear pads.  I mean, currently, The Sanchize is listed atop the (hang on, I need some Kitty Dukakis Memorial Rubbing Alcohol ** to chug down, to type this) defending Super Bowl champion’s roster at quarterback.  Anyone who thinks Mark Sanchez is going to start the season opener, raise your hand now.  (Pause).  OK, seriously, Mark, put the hand down – it’s not happening.

Secondly, “Tyler Bray is The Number Two!” might be the single best description of Tyler Bray I’ve ever heard.  He should switch his jersey number with Dusty C.  I’m sure Dusty C could be convinced to part with number two for some cash considerations.  I mean, think of the conversations Tyler Bray wearing Number Two would spark:

(random) whoa, our QB wears number two?
(me) well, it’s what he plays like!
(random) what?
(me) sh*t!  A dump pile even Deffenbaugh can’t sanitize!  Number Two!

Seriously, “Tyler Bray Is Our Number Two” isn’t something to be feared.  It’s something to be celebrated!

(**: it truly frightens the sh*t out of me, that half the people reading this, are too damned young to remember who Michael and Kitty Dukakis were.  Either I'm old ... or I'm old.  Also, I turn 40 two days after the 2016 NFL Regular Season ends.  Just sayin'.)

* “James Hinchcliffe on the pole!  How incredible is this?” – Gus B, Raytown.

About as incredible as the realization that I’ll once again be watching “The Greatest Spectacle In Motorsports” with ya poolside buddy.  (For those unaware, Gus beat Stage IV cancer last spring.  He was given a 5% chance to survive six months.  He’s cancer free 7 months and counting.)

It’s truly sad in a way how far off the landscape open wheel racing has fallen, because this is one of the greatest stories in motorsports history.  Mr. Hinchcliffe nearly died before last year’s 500.  He’s on the pole with the fastest qualifying time in a couple decades this year.  The only thing I can compare it to in terms of modern Indy is my favorite driver of all time, Kenny Brack ***, recovering from this wreck to qualify with the fastest time in the field for the funnest 500 of them all, 2005.

Good for Mr. Hinchcliffe.  Great for his owner, Sam Schmidt, who was paralyzed in a crash 16 years ago.  And great for the IndyCar Series. 

I just hope someone other than me notices.

(***: I really wish I still had the ultimate "yup, it's Stevo" photo: a half-loaded, double fisting me, t-shirt nowhere to be found, all but mauling Mr. Brack, at Kansas in 2004.  I'm not sure who looked more frightened: Mr. Brack ... or Mr. Reason, who snapped the photo.  I was nine sheets to the wind that day, that's for sure.)

* “OK, so you posted your initial thoughts on the Chiefs schedule.  Much appreciated.  But now post what really matters: the tailgates you most anticipate!  I mean, that is the whole damned point, isn’t it?” – Tyler M, Springfield.

The derek carr doppleganger has a point, people.  And a damned good one at that.

So let's do this!

I know I am attending at least 11 of the 20 scheduled contests this year, between preseason and the regular season.  In addition, there are 4 others I have no plans for.  The other 5, I’m highly likely to attend one, can be talked into attending 3, and will be up in Sioux Falls in the Garage for the 5th (which counts as a tailgate for this countdown).

Here we go.

* 17-20: the four I have no plans to attend – at Chicago (preseason); at Los Angeles (preseason); at Pittsburgh (Week Four); at Carolina (Week Ten).

* 16: the most unlikely to attend, but it’s in play – at Atlanta (Week Thirteen).

* 15: the second least unlikely to attend, but it’s in play – at San Diego (Week Seventeen).

* 14: vs Green Bay (preseason).  I’ll probably be there, but my work schedule is going to make this one a nightmare (maureen mcgovern voice) the morning after.  (I cannot take September 2nd off; Day Two is my swamped day during month end.)  

That, and I hate hosting the last preseason game.  The tailgate will suck because everyone will be coming from work; the game will suck because 89.76% of the players on the field are getting fired in the morning.  Thank you NFL, for charging full price for preseason!!!!

* 13: the one I’ll probably be talked into attending – at denver (Week Twelve).  Especially if those people have the same exact season this year, that they had the last time, after they cheated their way to won the Lombardi

* 12: vs Seattle (preseason).  I mean this with all due sincerity: what f*cking idiot scheduled a 3pm kickoff at Arrowhead in the middle of August?  I get that the Olympics are screwing up everyone’s schedule (even the RNC and DNC have moved up a month to avoid them ... and there's something to ponder -- who'd have thunk it'd be my party's convention about to implode into chaos, instead of the elephants?), but with all due respect, who the hell actually watches NFL preseason football?  Even I try to avoid it at all costs, for Christ’s sake!  I once proudly boasted I avoided preseason football for three straight years, for crying out loud!  And I pay for the privilege to be there!

I swear – if this one isn’t 102 and sunny, without a cloud in the sky at kickoff, I’m going to be livid.  If I have to waste one of the last great Saturdays in August at meaningless football, at least let me get a tan and/or ridiculously drunk, as my lovely parting gift.  (Or is that arriving gift?)  

11. vs Tennessee (Week Fifteen).  The consummate trap game.  Sh*ttacular opponent sandwiched between two prime time games at home against the hated divisional rivals.  Throw in 35 and rain/snow/overcast or worse, and this one reeks six months out.  Hope Tom and Nicole stick around for an extra week for this one, and my buddy Andrew can get finals out of the way to head down as well.  Had a blast with y'all the last couple seasons at Titans games.

Or, as my brother would so astutely put it: "why f*ck with what ain't broken?"

10. vs New Orleans (Week Seven).  I literally know one Saints fan.  (I work with her; she’s coming to this one).  That’s all I’ve got.  Although the menu potential for this one has me salivating.  I love me some gumbo with a hurricane or five!

9. at Indianapolis (Week Eight).  It’s either going to be epic, or horrific.  There’s no in between with a Colts tailgate in Indy.  It all depends on what lot you get.  We scored big time three years ago for the Wild Card debacle, landing in the Mix 93 lot.  I’m counting on you "derek carr" ****, to come through again with the party lot reservation.  (Because being a professional DJ has to be good for something other than getting laid, right?)

(And here's Part Two of the single most amazing ... and vomit-inducing ... professional sporting event, I have ever attended.)

8. vs Tampa Bay (Week Eleven).  Kind of a “blah” tailgate five months out.  Nothing really stands out; nothing really excites you yet.  Other than if Anthony gets into the MD 20/20 again, and imitates Jameis Winston standing on top of a table in a FSU cafeteria.  Then things might get lively!

7. vs Jaguars (Week Nine).  First time these two have faced each other since the inaugural game of the “Fat” Andy era (a 28-2 Chiefs win to open the 2013 season in Jacksonville).  I’m looking forward to this one, believe it or not.  I think the Jags are going to be the “where the hell did they come from?!?!?!” breakthrough team in the AFC this year.

6. at raiders (Week Six).  No, I will not be in oakland.  I actually want to live to see 40, and I figure if I show up on October 16 at whatever the hell they call that literal sh*thole known as the coliseum these days, I’d fall a couple months shy of that goal.

But I will be in Sioux Falls for this one.  And I’m really looking forward to it.

5. vs raiders (Week Fourteen).  A Thursday nighter.  In December.  Look it, I love my raider friends as much as I hate their team … but for God’s sake, there’s a reason half of them spend November through March in Lake Havasu.  Because December north of the Mason-Dixon line?  Is damned cold!  Let’s all hope and pray for “unseasonably warm temperatures” this December – the Chiefs host three games in an eighteen day stretch, two of them in prime time.  Ugh.

4. vs Chargers (Week One).  It’s the home opener.  It’s the season opener.  For the record, the Chiefs haven’t won on Week One at home since … 2010.  Against?  (norm macdonald voice) You guessed it – Frank Stallone!  Nah, just kidding – since 2010, on “Tuesday Morning Football” against your San Diego “Super” Chargers. 

3. at Texans (Week Two).  One of these days, I’m going to pull a Will Hunting.  I’m going to head south to my adopted home state … and when you all show up on my doorstep looking for me?  I won’t be there anymore.  I’ll be where I need to be.

Maybe this is the year.

If not?  The Chiefs are guaranteed to play barely three miles from my college apartment, sometime during the 2017 regular season.  That’ll be the one, if you’re a betting person, to wager the family farm, on me not returning from.

2. vs Jets (Week Three).  The last great day of Summer 2016.  A 3:25pm kickoff.  The two teams I am irrationally and totally in love with in this sport.  This is going to be one great day, start to finish.

1. vs denver (Week Sixteen).  True story: when the schedule was released, I was getting ready to call my mom to drop the “hey, I finally have a valid excuse to avoid the horror show known as Family Christmas!” one-liner I haven't been able to successfully use since the 2010 season … when my phone rang.

I won’t repeat what my mom said … but a word came out of her mouth, I’ve never heard her drop before, in any conversation with her, to describe what she wants the Chiefs to do to the broncos, on Christmas night.

I mean, when even my mommy sees the pure evil those people are …

Of COURSE this is number one!  A new noose for the donkey.  (To answer what I thought was obvious from the schedule post, I plan to let my “Special Little Guy” hang the noose on soon to be Seis Noose Donkey.  That’s a memory an eight year old?  Won’t ever forget.  Plus, I was eight (or close enough to it), when the Chiefs absolutely doing to the donkeys, uuh, what my mommy said she wants us to do to them on Christmas Night, occurred … the game that started this ridiculousness that is my Chiefs fandom.)

I only ask that you please contribute a buck or twenty to the jar when you arrive that will simply be labeled “Stevo’s Bail Bond Fund”.  I have a feeling I might need it this year.

And that … is how I’d rank the season, on the Tailgating O-Meter.

(Pause).

You’re welcome.

(****: first, Tyler really does look like derek carr.  It's truly frightening.  But more scary, is who his brother's girlfriend looks like.  It prompted my favorite tailgating moment from 2015, when "bts" saw Alyssa, and dropped the "holy sh*t, is that (person she looks like)?"  One of those "you had to be there to get it" moments, that I dig so much in life.  And yes, the lovely Alyssa looks so much like (person she looks like), I still do a double and triple take, every time I see her.)

* "You're the other resident "Good Wife" die-hard in the office.  What did you think of the finale?" -- Mary S, Perfect Village.

I hated it ... save for one moment.

I effing loved Diane b*tch slapping the hell out of Alicia, to bring the series to a close.

I love that the cocky, arrogant, thinks her sh*t don't stink heroine of the story, winds up even more pathetic, even more rot-gut evil, than the husband she could never bring herself to leave.

And I love that the one person who always blindly defended her?  The last true friend Alicia had?  Was the one to deliver the b*tch slap dose of reality, right across the left cheek.

The finale as a whole though, was every bit as awful as the painful march to the finish, this season was.

Speaking of women who a lot of people would love to b*tch slap with a violent, uuh, slap ...

* "Not even you can defend Secretary Clinton at this point!  She lied!  She lied, and now everyone knows it!" -- Matt P, Blue Springs.

Well, I already did defend her ... and I stand behind at least 0.01% of that defense from last spring.

But with all seriousness dude, it's not like us Clinton supporters don't know who and what we're backing.  I mean, do I have to haul out the Gregg stating the obvious voice?  I do?  OK, fine.

(mr. voice of reason voice) IT'S THE CLINTONS!

Anyone even remotely surprised that a Clinton would lie, scheme, and do everything short of murder *****, to grab and maintain a hold on the ultimate power in this world?  Clearly doesn't know, who the Clinton's are!

(*****: cough Ron Brown cough.)

* "So are you still voting for her?" -- Brett H, Harrisonville.

Stevo's Site Numero Dos has strongly endorsed Secretary Clinton for the Presidency since at least March 2015.  (Stevo himself has strongly endorsed Secretary Clinton for the Presidency since at least the winter of 2003-2004.)

And if she is the nominee, she has my vote, and I hope she has yours.  I happen to believe Secretary Clinton will make a great President -- even better than her husband, who (at worst) is the second best President of my lifetime ... and (at best) is the second best President of my lifetime.

Having said that, I have been saying since last summer that Joe Biden will be the Democrat nominee for the Presidency, when it's all said and done.  I stand by that crack-pipe prediction.

Which doesn't look so crack-pipey anymore.

Let's liven the mood up a bit, shall we?

* "Billy Dee!  On a Colt 45 can!  Dude!  You SO have to get me one of those!" -- Anthony V, Overland Park.

Consider it done, pal.  Consider it done:



(You gotta love that man.  Image credit: me, via my iPhone 6, at the malt liquor section of the lovely (and Jesus, do I use that term loosely), the lovely Barnyard Liquors, on Wednesday night.)

* "Has any play in Royals history been more damaging, than the non-catch in Chicago on Sunday?  Gordo Nation lost for a month, Moooooooooose! lost for the season, and we didn't even get the damned out!" -- Phil S, Overland Park.

Funny you ask that -- when that play occurred, I was watching the game on the Pool Deck, and when that collision occurred, I immediately freaked out, noting "this is not good".  When both Mr. Gordon and Mr. Moustakas remained in the game afterwards, everyone else watching thought I was insane, and had over-reacted.

Now, six days later?  I'm proven right, as to how costly chasing that one foul ball might be, to the Royals chances to repeat.

Having said that, hell no.  It's not even close to the most damaging play in Royals history!  The most damaging play in Royals history was so damaging?

The Royals themselves didn't even cause it to occur:



* "So did you see what this club in Detroit did this week?" -- Ben C, Charlotte, NC.

Yeah, I saw it.

I thought it was hysterical.

I mean, if you can't laugh at a strip club having a sense of humor, what on earth can you laugh at?

Plus, let's just be frank and honest here: like Detroit offers a better career option, than nude dancer, for its average 18 year old female?

(And we're starting to get close.)

* "What do you make of Mr. Trump accusing President Clinton of being a rapist?" -- Blake P, KCK.

I'm insulted, offended, and disgusted by how low Mr. Trump is willing to sink, to win the Presidency.

And I admire the hell out of him, for doing to the Clinton's, what they're going to do to him.

That, peoples and peepettes, is why I am OK with a Donald J. Trump "House of Wings" nomination.  For the first time in my lifetime, a Republican candidate is going to be as sleazy, dirty, and power-mad hungry, as the Democrat candidate.  It's high damned time the far right, starts hurling baseless and classless insults and accusations, back at the far left.

Because for the first time in my lifetime?  Noone can question if the Republican nominee has a pair, and if he's capable of using them.

Also, you have to love that our next President, is either:

* promising to fix the economy, despite suffering four personal bankruptcies, and bankrupting the only credible challenge the NFL has ever faced (Mr. Trump)

going to be indicted and need a Presidential Pardon an hour before taking the oath of office, to take said oath of office ... or is going to have 2/3rds of the nation convinced, everything about the FBI and the Justice Department is corrupt, bought, and bribed (Mrs. Clinton)

* a semi-senile socialist who spent his honeymoon in the gangsta's paradise known as the former Soviet Union (Mr. Sanders)

a plagarist who told a quadrapalegic to "Stand Up Chuck", told an Indian American that you can't enter a 7-11 anymore without speaking Indian, and believes that "jobs" is a three letter word.  To say nothing of believing that Franklin D. Roosevelt took to the television airwaves, during the Stock Market Crash of 1929 ******, to calm the nation (Mr. Biden).

What a nation we live in!

(Also ... we're getting closer.)

(******: FDR was not President during the Stock Market Crash of 1929; Herbert Hoover was.  And television was still twenty years away, from invention, at the time of said Stock Market Crash.  Say what you want to about Vice President Biden, the truth is, if he was a Republican?  He'd have been laughed out of office 28 years ago.  As a Democrat?  He's just "Joe Being Joe".  Jesus, I despise the double standard, the allegedly unbiased national media employs on a daily basis.)

* “Really?  You picked Creed as the post’s theme?  I’d ask if you’ve lost your f*cking mind, but you never had one to lose!” – Brent S, Incorporated Johnson County.

OK, first of all, I’ve been on a 90's kick lately.  Maybe it’s because I’m staring 40 in the face in a little over six months; maybe it’s looking at the regrets of life I have versus the successes, and realizing, (vice president biden voice) I’m a failure!  I’m a hell of a failure!

But – but! – I would argue, “My Own Prison” is not only a CD that holds up incredibly well twenty years later … but it’s the most underrated CD of the mid to late 1990s grunge / rock scene.

(Pause).

What?

(Pause).

We do?  OK, then, send it through, Ms. Stevo's Site Numero Dos Non-Existent Editor Dudette!  Peoples and peepettes?  We have a rush “must read now” fake email from … my brother?!?!?!?!

* “Bullsh*t!  Absolute bullsh*t!  “My Own Prison” couldn’t piss in a stall if it was standing next to “Sixteen Stone”!  It’d be too frightened to whiz!  “Sixteen Stone” is the best, and you f*cking know it!  Especially since you stole my copy from me!” – Drew K, Shawnee.

Well, I bought that copy for you, so really, I just took it back … but yeah, I probably should replace that puppy after twenty some odd years.

Still … hmmm.

(Pause).

Yeah, it’s time.

Let's close this puppy down, the best way imaginable.

(good ol’ jr voice) Good God!  Good God Almighty!  That’s … that’s the “Tale O’ The Tape’s” music!

In this corner?  Weighing in from 1995, fronted by the former Mr. Gwen Stefani, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, from England, Bush and their epic effort “Sixteen Stone”!!!!!!!

(wild applause!!!!!!!)

And in this corner?  Weighing in from 1997, fronted by the biggest tool to emerge from the 1990s, ladies and gentlemen, from Florida, Creed and their breakthrough effort “My Own Prison”!!!!!!!!

(cue at least Kid Rock applauding politely.)

This week’s Tale O’ The Tape?  Which of these CD’s is better, in my opinion, twenty years later?

Here we go!  Two Contestants.  Three possible outcomes.  Only one winner.

(dana wright voice) Let’s do this!

* Question One: At least one of the songs off this cd, is guaranteed to be in Mixology, no matter what.

Bush: yes (“Machinehead”).
Creed: no.
Winner: Bush.

* Question Two: I so played the hell out of this cd, that when I tried to burn it into my iTunes in the late 2000s, the tracks were unreadable.

Bush: yes.
Creed: yes.
Winner: push.  We are all winners here … especially me.

* Question Three: Did I use a song off this cd, to describe my feelings about the single most “I never believed I’d ever see this day” moment of the last five years – the Royals clinching a playoff berth for the first time in my memorable lifetime.

Bush: no.
Creed: yes (“One”).
Winner: Creed. 

* Question Four: does the CD go a solid five songs deep that I won’t immediately skip, if it pops up in my iTunes or Apple Music playlist of the moment?

Bush: yes (“Machinehead”, “Glycerine”, “Comedown”, “Little Things”, “Everything Zen”).
Creed: yes (“Torn”, “My Own Prison”, “In America”, “What’s This Life For”, “One”).
Winner: Bush.  (Pause).  What?  Bush’s starting five trumps Creed’s!  Albeit barely.

* Question Five: I saw the band perform in support of this cd.

Bush: no.
Creed: yes (at (if I recall correctly) Deep Ellum in December 1997).
Winner: Creed. 

* Question Six: you all are surprised as sh*t that I own this cd.

Bush: nope.
Creed: nope.
Winner: push. 

And so, we’ve arrived, at the Question of Great Significance.  Bush Dos, Creed Dos, Push Dos.  And the final question is …

* Question Seven: the cd contains the song that should be the anthem of my life (which as I have noted many times before, is “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin DeGraw):

Bush: nope.
Creed: yup (“Torn”).

Winner … of the highly coveted, never sought “Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Most Underrated Grunge / Rock CD of the 1990s Twenty Years Later” Award … “My Own Prison” by Creed!!!!

Thanks for playing.

And thanks for reading.

Until next time ...

Friday, September 19, 2014

week three: the tale o' the tape!



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And go figure … I forgot this week’s “Tale O’ The Tape!”, in the picks.

What an epic, epic, epic brain fart on my part.

So, in honor of what was my favorite show still in first-run production … hang on, I need a Kleenex or five, it’s really, really dusty in this room right now.  I should, uuh, dust more often … since this coming Monday will be the first time since Arnold Vinick was the overwhelming favorite to replace Jed Bartlet as the President of the United States, that there will be nothing legen … wait for it … dary going down in the 8pm ET / 7pm CT time slot on (brent musburger voice) CBS … this week’s “Tale O’ The Tape”?

Is one hell of a debate.

Because for the first time?

It’s (almost) Barney Stinson’s wet dream.

We’re having a three-way … competition.

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Because this week’s “Tale O’ The Tape” is what song, what amazing, incredible, absolutely (jaw-droppingly embarrassing) song, was Robin Sparkles’ best effort.

(Note: all episodes referenced, are available on Netflix ... and season nine of "HIMYM" is available come Tuesday.  (Pause).  You're welcome, Carter Bays and Craig Thomas.  And actually, the pleasure was all mine ... and so many other fans of your greatest creation.)

(“clue” voice) Is it … the first one, “Let’s Go To The Mall”, from what is without question, the best episode “HIMYM” ever produced.  (That would be season two’s “Slap Bet”, and if you aren’t moved to nearly crying from laughing so hard at the final two scenes, then you have no appreciation for the great moments in life.)

(“clue” voice) Is it … the second one, “Sandcastles In The Sand”, from what is the episode that truly, once and for all, set the end-game for the series in motion (although nobody knew it at the time), season three’s self-titled episode.  (That features an absolutely hysterical James Van Der Beek guest-starring role … and yes, kids – that is Alan Thicke, and that is Tiffany, in the video.)

(“clue” voice) Or is it … the final one that matters, “The Beaver Song”, from season six’s “Glitter” (which, in the interest of full disclosure, isn’t the best episode “HIMYM” ever produced … but it definitely contains the series single most hysterical scene ever aired, when Ted and Barney save a spot on the couch for Robin, to watch Part Two of the “Space Teens” DVD.  

And for the record, my reaction when I watched this the first time four some odd years ago, was exactly what Ted and Barney’s was.  And I'm guessing, if you have a sense of humor?  

Your reaction will mirror mine, if you watch the linked clip above ... or have already seen it.)

--------------------

Sorry, “Push” – no room for a foursome, in this one.

--------------------

As always, let’s lay down the ground rules.

Seven questions.  Guaranteed to be a deadlocked 2-2-2 tie entering the “Question of Great Significance”.

And only one winner.

In the words of the late, great Marvin Gaye: “let’s get it on!”

--------------------

Question One: Best Music Video.


Winner: God, this one is tough.  Gun to my head, I gotta go with the one that set this whole epic gag in motion.  “Let’s Go To The Mall”.

Question Two: Why The Song Exists.

* Let’s Go To The Mall: because this made Robin Scherbatsky a Canadian teen pop idol … and because as she noted, “I wish it was porn; that’d be less humiliating”.
* Sandcastles In The Sand: because it was the best week and a half of Robin Sparkles life.
* The Beaver Song: because Robin and her BFF Jessica Glitter had pet beavers, and the beaver is not only the official animal of Canada, it is “an noble creature”.  (barney stinson voice) You'll get no argument here.

Winner: in an upset, “Sandcastles In the Sand”.  I know – I also thought “The Beaver Song” had this one sewn up.

Question Three: Sleaziest Sexual Innuendo Lyric In The Song.

* Let’s Go To The Mall:

“My dad says I’m too young to date,
But baby?  I don’t wanna wait!”

* Sandcastles In The Sand:

“On our favorite bench,
Where you taught me to French!”

* The Beaver Song:

I mean, my God, where do I begin.  Is it …

(“clue” voice)
“Just pick up that phone,
And I’ll be there to
Share my ice cream cone –
We’ll lick it, side by side!”  Or, is it …

(“clue” voice)
“So let’s go do,
What hungry beavers do!
It will taste so good –
We’ll gobble wood!”  Or, is it …

(“clue” voice)
“Two beavers are better than one!
They’re twice the fun – ask anyone!
A second beaver can be?  Second to none!
Two beavers are better than one!”

Winner: (stevo sighing in disgust voice) REALLY?  “The Beaver Song”.

Question Four: Does Alan Thicke, Tiffany, or The Robot Appear In The Video.

* Let’s Go To The Mall: Robot.
* Sandcastles In The Sand: Thicke, Tiffany, and Robot.
* The Beaver Song: Thicke and Robot.

Winner: “Sandcastles In The Sand”.

Question Five: Does Barney Get Bitch Slapped By Marshall Because He Thought It Was a Video Featuring Porn … wait for it … ography.

* Let’s Go To The Mall: yes.
* Sandcastles In The Sand: no.
* The Beaver Song: no … but Barney came damned close, to bitch slapping Marshall.

Winner: “Let’s Go To The Mall”.

Question Six: Reunited BFF’s Through Song.

* Let’s Go To The Mall: if the “re” wasn’t in front of “united”, it’d be yes … so no.
* Sandcastles In The Sand: you could argue yes … but I say no.
* The Beaver Song: (allard baird voice) without question – without question! – yes.

Winner: “The Beaver Song”.

And finally … as we're tied 2-2-2 between these epic classics ... I have to admit, THIS?  


Question Seven: Played As Robin Walked Down The Aisle To Marry Barney, In (Arguably … OK, Fine – I’d Argue It) The Most Underrated Episode This Amazing Show Ever Aired In Its' Final Season.

* Let’s Go To The Mall: nope.
* Sandcastles In The Sand: yup.
* The Beaver Song: nope.

Winner … and (disputed) Champion?

“Sandcastles In The Sand”.

Circle me stunned, Bert.

But circle me sad as well, that the Slap Bet, the Cockamouse, the Play Book, the Perfect Week, the Perfect Month, and oh yeah -- this scene below -- are over:


God above, I already miss this show ... and God above, how I hope to, uuh, God above, I have just one -- just one! -- moment in my life, like that one ...

Friday, December 27, 2013

week seventeen: the calm before the storm

"Since the moment I spotted you?
I've been walking 'round with little wings on my shoes!
My stomach's filled with butterflies ...
And it's alright!

Bouncing around from cloud to cloud?
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down!
If I said I didn't like it? 
Then you'd know I'd lie ...

Every time I try to talk to you?
I get tongue tied.
And everything I try to say to you?
Comes out wrong; it never comes out right.

So I say why don't you and I get together?
We'll take on the world, and be together forever!
Heads we win, and tails?  We'll try again!

So I say why don't you and I hold each other,
We'll fly to the moon, then straight on to heaven!
Because without you?  They're never gonna let me in ..."


--------------------

Happy Friday peoples and peepettes!  If you need a reason to smile, to laugh, to feel good about life on this blessed final Friday of this sh*ttacular year from hell?  Realize this: there is exactly one, and only one, team in the National ... Football League, that literally has nothing to play for on Sunday, other than "the League requires us to show up".  No jockeying for draft position, no jockeying for playoff positioning, no jockeying for anything.  All that's left for the Chiefs to figure out, is where the hell I'm spending my 37th birthday: the 'Nati ... or Naptown.

Last Week ATS: 5-10-1.
Season to Date ATS: 102-129-8.

Last Week SU: 7-9-0.
Season to Date SU: 134-105-0.

Last Week Upsets O' The Week: 1-2.  Thank you "Super" Cardinals, for the one!
Season to Date Upsets O' The Week: 7-15.
This Week's Upset O' The Week: Bears (+2 1/2) over Packers.

In this week's edition of the picks, you will find ...

* A "fond farewell" to my most hated coach ... possibly ever.
* A "tribute" to the worst city in America to call home.  And no, it's not Detroit.  Or oakland.  It's worse.  (my cousin brooke voice) Damn skippy Stevo!
* My New Year's Wish for "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman.
* A special "Tale O' The Tape" involving my second favorite head coach of all time.
* And whatever other ideas pop into my mind.

As always, all lines provided by Danny Sheridan via USA Today.  Danny Sheridan: the official oddsmaker of Stevo's Site Numero Dos!

The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Wild Hares:

* Panthers (-5 1/2) 34, at Falcons 20.  As with last week, let's look at where the NFC playoff picture stands, because it's utterly discombobulated:

1. The Panthers, Seahawks, and 49ers have clinched playoff berths.
2. The Seahawks win the NFC West, and home field advantage, with a win over the Rams.
3. The Panthers win the NFC South, and a first round bye, with a win over the Falcons.
4. The 49ers win the NFC West, and home field advantage, with a win over the "Super" Cardinals and a Seahawks loss.
5. The Saints can win the NFC South with a win over the Bucs, and a Panthers loss.
6. The Saints can clinch a wildcard berth with a win over the Bucs, or a "Super" Cardinals loss to the 49ers.
7. The "Super" Cardinals can only get in with a win over the 49ers, and a Saints loss to the Bucs.
8. The winner of Packers / Bears wins the NFC Norris.
9. The winner of Eagles / Cowboys wins the NFC East.

My head officially hurts.  Let's move on. 

* at Titans 2, Texans (+7) 0.  And the AFC playoff picture, which is completely and totally clusterf*cked at the bottom:

1. The four division winners are settled: donkeys (West), Patriots (East), Bengals (Norris), Colts (South).
2. The Chiefs are locked into the five seed.
3. There are four teams vying for the last playoff spot: Ravens, Dolphins, Chargers, and Steelers.
4. The "my little ponies" earn home field advantage via a win over the raiders.
5. The Patriots earn a bye via a win over the Bills, and home field advantage via a win, and a bronkeys loss.
6. The Bengals earn a bye via a win over the Ravens, and a Patriots loss.  They earn the three seed with a win.
7. The Colts earn the three seed with a win over the Jaguars, and a Bengals loss.  They earn the two seed, with a win along with Bengals and Patriots losses.  They earn the four, with a win.
8. None of the four teams vying for the six seed, are in a "win and you're in" scenario.  If all four win?  It's Miami.  If all four lose?  It's Baltimore.  So here's how each gets in without all winning or losing:

* Ravens: win at Bengals coupled with either a Dolphins loss (vs Jets) or Chargers loss (vs Chiefs).  Ravens have tiebreaker over Dolphins via head to head victory.
* Dolphins: win vs Jets coupled with either a Ravens loss (at Bengals) or a Chargers loss (vs Chiefs).  Dolphins have tiebreaker over Chargers via head to head victory.
* Chargers: win vs Chiefs, coupled with both a Ravens loss () and Dolphins loss (vs Jets).  They have tiebreaker over noone.
* Steelers: only way in is via a win vs Browns, coupled with all three other contenders losing.  Steelers fans?  Stranger things have happened, my friends.  Stranger things have happened.

* at Steelers (-7) 34, Browns 10.  If you're Pittsburgh, how do you handle the offseason?  You're stuck right now, at best, as the third best team in the division.  Most of your top talent is either peaking now, or on the downside of their careers (as opposed to most of the Bengals talent, which hasn't even begun to truly peak).  Do you trade Ben?  Do you fire Coach Hobo?  Do you kick Dick LeBeau to the retirement line?  Do you clean house?  Do you regroup and load up for one last gasp with this core of talent (that has been to two Super Bowls in five years)?  I'm glad I am not the one, having to make those decisions.

* Redskins (+4) 3, at Giants 2.  I enjoy praising Daniel Snyder about as much as I enjoy sobriety ... but hold firm, sir.  All Hail the Redskins!

And since this is likely to be his final game at the helm, a warm Stevo's Site Numero Dos sendoff to the single biggest asshole to ever have the title "head coach" bestowed on him in this league, the classlessness, the nepotism, the cheating, the overall stench of a man known here as shanarat.

As John Madden would have noted: "now here's a guy ...".  Now here's a guy who had a backup quarterback attempt to kill his former boss, hires his son everywhere he goes to do ... well, only God knows what, other than steal some well-off owner's money, cheats the salary cap, and as the defending two time Lombardi Trophy winning coach, stood before the Denver City Council (along with his owner, the "classless jackass" patrick j. bowlen), and not only pled poverty to get fake mile high built, the two of them actually said the broncos could not compete in Real Mile High.  Wait, what?  You're the two time defending Super Bowl champions, but you are unable to win at home?  (Even more incredibly?  The Denver City Council bought it hook, line, and sinker!  Are we sure weed was only recently legalized in that fine state?)

Poor mike.  The game passed him by ten years ago, and he's the only one who hasn't figured that out.  Take a moment and laugh your ass off, at the knowledge that the end of shanarat came, because our Kansas City Chiefs treated him as he deserved to be treated -- as our own personal port-a-potty.  Let's all hope and pray that the only gig shanarat can get going forward, is to clean that personal port-a-potty.  Ideally with a toothbrush.

And then, like Allen Field House in the closing minutes of a KU victory, start singing.


(throw in a hand waving bye-bye)


(raise a couple middle fingers while waving goodbye)


Goodbye and good riddance shanarat.  Please -- let the door hit you in the ass on the way to the curb.  Repeatedly.  I hope that door smacks your ass so hard, I can hear it 1,250 miles away.  Because you earned every smack, that proverbial door delivers.

Hang on, I'm not done yet.  One more victory lap:

Na Na Na Na ...
Na Na Na Na ...
Hey Hey Hey ...
GOODBYE!!!!!

I cannot promise, we aren't coming back to this.  My God in Heaven, I DESPISE mike shanarat.  (kevin harlan voice) Not even his rat tail and nasty overbite teeth can save shanarat come 4:30pm ET on Sunday!!!!!

* at Colts 24, Jaguars (+11) 21.  Your Gordon Shumway Game O' The Week! 

* at Bengals (-6) 28, Ravens 20.  Should be enjoyable enough to watch. 

* at Vikings (-3) 24, Lions 14.  Your Good Times Game O' The Week!  And also, your Put The Postgame Presser On ESPNEWS Game O' The Week!  Because at least one of the two coaches in this matchup, is getting sh*t canned the moment this puppy goes final.  (If not sooner!)

* at Patriots 28, Bills (+9) 24.  I was walking home the other night, struggling to avoid the snow, the cold, the ice, the misery that is south KC in late December, and noticed a guy headed my direction wearing a Bills jacket.  And I thought "my God, how can anyone do it?  How can anyone live in Buffalo?"

The football team hasn't posted a winning record since 2004.  They haven't made the playoffs since 1999.  Let that sink in folks -- the last time the Bills made the playoffs?  I was still a month away from hooking up with a friend's sister's friend that happened to moonlight as a stripper.  My "night that will live in infamy" -- me, a stripper, a crippled chick, and a chick with a mustache nicknamed Ratty*, was still two months away from (cheap joke applause line voice) "going down"! 

They haven't won the division since 1996, a playoff game since 1995, and lost four straight Super Bowls prior to that.  They have no major league baseball team, and their NBA franchise bolted for southern California thirty years ago.  The hockey team is a joke, the "funniest" moment of the joke being the kicked goal that gave the Stars the 1999 Stanley Cup.  It's cold, it's miserable, and the biggest attraction is either Niagara Falls, or the border crossing that enable folks to enter a casino and gamble away their paychecks.  Plus, when you can make this statement I'm about to type, and nobody will disagree with it, what does it say about your choice of residence:

"oakland is the ass crack of America; Buffalo is the arm pit.  Detroit is either the toe jam or ear wax buildup."

Admit it -- NOBODY disagreed with that sentence.

In that regard, maybe Buffalo is like NASCAR.  I've always said, even if you cannot stand racing, just go to a Cup race, and you will instantly feel 92.46% better about yourself, because even if you are so poor you eat dirt for dinner, you're still prettier, better off, and live better, than 92.46% of the folks in the stands.  And admit it -- you just nodded in agreement again.

Poor Buffalo.  Here's to another year of irrelevance, for the most irrelevant mid-sized city, in this amazing nation we call 'Merica.

(*: I'm not sure whether to be proud, or ashamed, of that night.  I'll leave that one up to The Champ to decide.  But for the record, I lean proud.  Even if it did involve a stripper, a chick who needed assistance to walk, and a chick with horrific facial hair that everyone called "Ratty".  (Pause).  Yeah, I definitely lean proud!)

* at Saints 27, Bucs (+12 1/2) 21.  This line is patently absurd.  "Super" Cardinals fans' hopes and dreams will stay afloat until at least the early 4th quarter in the desert.  Plus, this is a biggie for the Saints, who are still alive for the NFC South (via a win and Panthers loss), a first round bye, and sliding into the five slot if the 49ers lose to the "Super" Cardinals (and draw Dallas or Philly) versus the six spot (and open at Green Bay or Chicago).  A sneaky good week 17 matchup.

And for what it's worth, I wouldn't fire Greg Schiano.  (Which means he's getting shown the door no later than Tuesday morning.)

* sons of satan 21, at raiders (+12) 17.  I feel it is important to state, what this game means to me -- my two most despised franchises in professional sports, meeting in the decrepit backed up toilet that is whatever the hell oakland alameda county coliseum goes by nowadays.  Because Sunday?  Only occurs once a year, and that occurrence, is this:

I am, and try to be, as patriotic and pro-America as I can be.  And for 364 days, 20 hours, and 40 some odd minutes a year, I stand opposed to any American being attacked, or losing their life, either in combat, through terrorism, drunken mishaps, stupid decisions, or what have you.

But then, there's the three hour and twenty some odd minute window, when the broncos and raiders do battle in oakland, that I openly root for a terrorist attack to occur.  So allow me to make a third statement that most of you reading this will nod your heads in agreement to:

If terrorists attack whatever the hell the oakland alameda county coliseum goes by nowadays while the broncos and raiders are playing each other, it is NOT a national tragedy.  It IS cause for national celebration.

Here's raising a cold one, to hoping we're celebrating, come about 4:45pm CT on Sunday.

Also, in case you missed it ... from Bill Simmons' Week 17 picks at Grantland.com ... and hell yes, I am not the only one who believes the denver broncos are satan's squad:


(image: Snag-It screen shot; image credit denver broncos Twitter account.)

* at "Super" Cardinals (PK) 28, 49ers 27.  I really hope the "Super" Cardinals get in.  But I'm sadly wagering they won't.

* at Bears (+2 1/2) 31, Packers 28 (OT).  One of the two "win and you're in" games is going to deliver something epic.  My bet is, it's this one. 

And if you're a NFC team, how frightened are you at this prospect: the Packers, behind Aaron Rodgers, beat the Bears, to get in as the four seed.  (The Packers cannot pass whoever wins Philly / Dallas for the three, but Chicago can pass the NFC East winner if its Dallas)  They welcome the 49ers to Lambeau on a typical January Saturday in that place: cold, miserable, with precipitation.  And let's say the Saints beat the NFC East winner in the wildcard.

That means we're looking at Green Bay going to Carolina, to face a roster that hasn't been in this place before.  Hell, the Panthers haven't made the playoffs since 2008.  Green Bay, veteran team, in that spot?  I'd lay the points.  I'd probably pick the outright upset.  And if you're Seattle or New Orleans, do you really want any part of a Packers team that was 5-2 when Rodgers went down, the only two losses by ten combined points at Candlestick and the Paul?  I sure as hell wouldn't.

* at Seahawks (-10 1/2) 31, Rams 20.  For a game as ignored as this one currently is, there's a helluva lot riding on the outcome of this game.  The winner of the NFC West.  Home field advantage throughout the playoffs.  Or, a Seattle trip to Lambeau or Soldier Field or the Linc or Jerry World in the prime time slot next Saturday.

* at Cowboys (+6) 31, Eagles 24.  Frighteningly enough, I like Dallas even with Kyle Orton under center.  Hell, even if comes down to recently signed Jon Kitna, I still like Dallas in this spot.  Which means, if the above scenarios hold, our wildcard weekend matchups would be (and likely time slot):

Chiefs (AFC 5) at Colts (AFC 4), 3:30pm Saturday, January 4th.
Saints (NFC 5) at Cowboys (NFC 4), 7pm Saturday, January 4th.
Dolphins (AFC 6) at Bengals (AFC 3), noon, Sunday January 5th.
49ers (NFC 6) at Bears (NFC 3), 3:30pm, Sunday January 5th.

The only contests I can see flipping, is the two NFC showdowns.  Especially if Dallas gets the three, and faces San Francisco, instead of Chicago.

And yes -- nothing says "my birthday", like attending a playoff game against Indianapolis.  (dan dierdorf voice) We've seen it before.  (frank gifford voice) Oh yeah!

(Or, more accurately, nothing says "my birthday", like losing a playoff game to Indianapolis.  *Cough 1995 Cough*.  *Cough 2003 Cough*.  *Cough 2006 Cough*.)

The "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week:

Sadly, the Klassy One didn't tweet anything of note this week.  But still, if there's one thing to appreciate and be thankful for in 2013 -- to say nothing of look forward to in 2014 -- I'd argue it's having a hypocrite the likes of Klassy Kev' on our local airwaves five times a week, four hours a day.  Where else, sports fans -- and I am being serious here -- where else can you hear a man trash the Chiefs for refusing to draft Geno Smith?  Where else can you hear a man rip Mizzou for bolting to the SEC?  Where else can you hear a man informing us he had inside knowledge that Mizzou was leaving for the Big Ten (Plus Four)? 

Where else can you hear a man who believes the Royals would be better off with a downtown ballpark, when the Truman Sports Complex is not just the envy of most of the nation, it is copied on a yearly basis by such "backwater communities" as New York, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Baltimore, and the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex?  Where else will you hear a man who lives on the seventh green of Falcon Ridge b*tch about the well-off flaunting their wealth?  (That's not fair to Klassy Kevin -- you can hear that every four years, for a solid week, when the Democrat National Convention is underway.)  

Where else will you hear a man who claims to "tell it like it is", to "read between the lines" if you will, where else will you hear a man like that hang up routinely on callers who dare to disagree with him?

Where else will you hear Snoozapalooza on a weekly basis as Jim Colbert, various grilling companies, and cookie diets are pimped?  Where else will you hear Jack Harry and the Klassy One spar each week over who's the bigger blowhard? 

And where else will you hear a man who touts "family values" as one of his strengths, when anyone and everyone knows his marriage imploded due to a fling with an intern that (allegedly) hit the fan when he was (allegedly) told "you may pull your pants up now" by one of Perfect Village's finest?

There are three types of people in life that I despise, and prefer not to tolerate.  I despise people who intentionally disrespect, mistreat, or hurt other people.  I despise chicken sh*t gutless cowards.  But I REALLY despise hypocrites.  It's not often you find a man that literally is all three things I despise.  I can only think of one person, honestly, who nails the trifecta of despicable human beings.  Fortunately for him, Klassy Kevin isn't that person.

But Ol' Klassy Kev' nails at least two of the three.  I suppose it's to his credit, he doesn't intentionally disrespect, mistreat, or hurt other people.  (kkk's ex-wife voice) The hell he doesn't!  

Whoops.  I guess he is all three things, I despise in a human being.  Way to hit the trifecta, buddy!

My hope for the New Year for the Klassy One, is that he removes "hypocrite" from the list of adjectives, that perfectly describe him.

And if he doesn't ... that's what Greg Hall's column, and this site's Klassy Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week, is for.

The Poem:

There is no "The Poem" due to the Chiefs being on the road.

(Note: if I make the trip to Indy or Cincinnati -- and at this point, I am going so long as it's those two cities and not New England, to open the playoffs -- there will be a "The Poem" next week.)

The Tailgating Plans:

There is no "The Tailgating Plans" due to the Chiefs being on the road. 

(Note: if I make the trip to Indy or Cincinnati -- and at this point, I am going so long as it's those two cities and not New England, to open the playoffs -- there will be a "The Tailgating Plans" next week.  Although if it's Cincinnati, those plans will probably be a in bar in Newport, before crossing a pedestrian bridge into a stadium best known as "the place Stevo got cold cocked by drunk Bengals fan".  God, I hope that asshole is sitting in front of me again, if it's Cincy we're headed to.  Because I am ready to "pay it forward" to that jackwagon.)

The Flashback -- Chiefs at Chargers:

The Murph is the Chiefs true house of horrors.

So many seasons have been negatively affected by our annual trip to the artist formerly known as Jack Murphy Stadium.  (Note: as a student of history, and as the biggest ABA fan you will ever meet, that wasn't alive for a single day of that lunatic league's existence, I refuse to call Qualcomm Stadium "The Q".  That's an insult to the real San Diego "Q", the Conquistadors.  Hence "The Murph".  Why change what works.)

In just the last 15 years alone:

In 1998, the Chiefs led 37-17 with eight minutes to play in week twelve.  They lost 38-37 behind an epic rally by Craig Whelihan.  (Who?)

In 1999, the Chiefs lost 21-14 to the Chargers in week four.  They lost the division on tiebreakers.

In 2000, the Chiefs handed the Chargers their only win of the season, an embarrassing 17-16 defeat that most fans across the country (mercifully) missed the ending of.  Why, you ask, did a national CBS game get blacked out across the country?  Because a disgraceful, clueless dolt named Katherine Harris chose to certify the Florida election, during the 4th quarter of that game.  Of ALL the days of defeat in that hellhole, none has hurt worse, than 2000.

In 2002, the Chiefs blew a late six point lead, and lost 35-34.  They missed the playoffs by one game.

In 2004, to close out the season, the Chargers rested all their starters ... and beat the Chiefs 24-17 in one of the most disgraceful, God-awful performances in franchise history.

In 2005, the Chiefs lost 35-30 in week eight out there.  They finished 10-6, missing the playoffs by one game.  (D'oh!)  This game also, for all intents and purposes, ended Priest Holmes' career; he suffered a virtual career-ending neck injury early in the 2nd half of this game.

In 2006, the Chiefs lost 24-9 in week fifteen out there.  Most assumed that ended their playoff hopes.  Thanks to the Immaculate Fourfecta, it did not.

In 2010, the Chiefs lost 31-0 in week fourteen out there.  Many feared that would open the back door to a Chargers division championship.  Thankfully, the Chiefs won their next two (and the Chargers lost theirs), to hand the division to the Chiefs.

In 2011, the Chiefs fell behind 17-0, rallied to tie, then lost on a late field goal 20-17 in week three.  The Chiefs lost the division by one game.

The Chiefs are 2-13 in their last 15 at The Murph.  The only wins?  2003 (28-24 over Thanksgiving weekend), and 2007 (a 30-16 comeback win in week four, that arguably was the high water mark of the Herm Edwards era.)

Circle me ready to blow The Murph to kingdom come, Bert.

The Jets Prognostication:

* at Dolphins (-5 1/2) 41, Jets 13.  Seeing the Jets over the last month, reminds me of one of my favorite quotes of all time, by the legendary Jim Mora Sr., after a horrific defeat at the Dome all those years ago.  "Well, what happened was, that second game, we got our ass kicked.  Err, the second half, we just got our ass totally kicked.  We couldn't do diddly poo offensively.  We sucked.  We couldn't make a first down.  We couldn't run the ball; we didn't try to run the ball.  We couldn't complete a pass -- we sucked!  The second half?  We sucked!  We couldn't stop the run.  Every time they got the ball, they went down and got points.  We got our ass totally kicked in the second half -- that's what it boiled down to.  It was a horsesh*t performance in the second half.  Horsesh*t."


(Pause).  What?  (Pause).  I do?  Who?  Who sends in a conveniently timed fake email as I'm typing up this post?  Who does that?  (Pause).  Oh.  Well hell, send it on through!

"What is your favorite Jim Mora Senior rant or quote?" -- Herm E, Bristol.

You know, Coach, that's a phenomenal question, and there's only one way to decide a winner.  After all, you play to win the game!  Wait, is that ... (good ol' jr voice) GOOD GOD!  THAT'S THE TALE O' THE TAPE'S MUSIC!!!  Yes, it's that time.  Two contestants.  Seven questions.  Three possible outcomes.  Only one winner.

It's time for Week 17's Tale O' The Tape!!!

(jimmy lennon jr voice) In this corner, weighing in at nearly a minute in length, across two back-to-back questions, is a classic from the 2001 season best known as "Playoffs?!?!"  And in this corner, weighing in at nearly a minute in length, although only across one question, is a classic from the 1993 season best known as "SICK!"  Mr. Lennon Junior, will you kindly do us the honors, sir?  (jimmy lennon jr. voice) My pleasure, Stevo.  Ladies and gentlemen?  It's SHOOOOOOOOOWTIMEEEEEEE!"

Question 1: What is the context of the quote?

Playoffs: following a loss to the 49ers in 2001, Jim Mora Sr. angrily analyzes his team's performance.
Sick: following a loss to the Giants in 1993, Jim Mora Sr. angrily analyzes his team's fans performance.
Advantage: push.  We are all winners here.

Question 2: Has been used ever since for hilarity and advertising's sake?

Playoffs: yes.
Sick: no.
Advantage: Playoffs.

Question 3: Is Mr. Mora Sr. defending his QB, or throwing his QB under the bus, with the quote?

Playoffs: under the bus.
Sick: defending the QB.
Advantage: Sick.  Especially given the QB being chucked under the proverbial bus is satan landing ... excuse me, peyton manning.

Question 4: Did the defeat that led to the quote cost Mora's team a playoff berth?

Playoffs: no.
Sick: yes.
Advantage: Playoffs.

Question 5: Was the quote a potential factor in Mr. Mora Sr.'s eventual firing by the franchise?

Playoffs: yes; Mr. Mora Sr. "resigned" less than a month later.
Sick: no; Mr. Mora Sr. coached another 2 1/2 seasons after the quote.
Advantage: Sick. 

Question 6: Is the quote amongst the ten funniest / most memorable coaching comments of all time?

Playoffs: hell yes.
Sick: hell yes.
Advantage: push.

And finally ...

Question 7: What is the quote?

Playoffs: "Well, I'll start off by saying this: do not blame that game on the defense, OK?  I don't care who you play, whether it's a high school team, a junior college team, a college team, much less a NFL team, when you turn the ball over five times -- four interceptions, one for a touchdown, three others in field position to set up touchdowns -- you ain't going to beat anybody I just talked about.  Anybody.  Alright?  And that was a disgraceful performance, in my opinion.  We threw that game.  We gave it away by doing that.  We gave them the friggin game!  In my opinion?  That sucked.  You know?  You can't turn the ball over five times like that.  Holy crap!  I don't know who the hell we think we are, when we do something like that.  Unbelievable!  Five turnovers!  One of them for -- we've thrown four interceptions for touchdowns this year.  That might be a NFL record!  Hell, we've got six -- five? -- five.  Uum, we've still got six games to play!  No telling what might happen!  That's pitiful!  I mean, it's absolutely pitiful, to perform like that.  Pitiful!  If our defense hadn't played halfway decent against a great offensive football team, they might have scored sixty!  That's it! ...

... "Playoffs?  Don't talk about, playoffs?  You kidding me?  Playoffs?  Hell, I just hope we win a game!  Another game!"

Sick: "You know, I'd like to begin my remarks by saying this, and I mean this with all sincerity: I've been coaching for 34 years, and tonight I saw and heard one of the most disgusting, rudest, sick demonstrations in my entire career.  Probably THE worst.  When Wade Wilson got hurt, I actually looked up into the stands and saw people standing, clapping, and cheering when he lay on the ground with a knee injury.  And I say this: those are some sick, sick, SICK people!  Mentally sick!  I thought it was horrible, disgusting, embarrassing, shameful.  It stunk!  People are SICK when they do something like that, absolutely friggin SICK!  Guy's out there busting his ass like all of guys were, gets his knee blown up, not badly hopefully, and they're standing and cheering and clapping!  Those are sick people!  Sick in the head!  They outta get their ass thrown right out of the stadium!"

Advantage, and winner of this week's Tale O' The Tape: Sick.  See, Eric Winston?  Chiefs fans aren't the only ones who cheer when sh*ttacular quarterbacks get (emmitt smith voice) blowed up.  Hell, the Saints fans beat us to it by a couple decades.  Eat it, you worthless fat ass.  Eat it.

(Thanks for playing!)

The Chiefs Prognostication:

I began writing "The Annual Column" on Monday, December 2nd.  And it's still not complete.

It's getting there.  Slowly yet surely, I'm beginning to like how it sounds.  But writing that post this year -- a task I can usually knock out in about three hours of straight typing -- is proving to be very difficult.  Because in many regards, 2013 was the worst year of my life, and the only year that the stench of 2013 even comes close to matching, is 2002.  2002 was so awful of a year, I have no desire to recap it in the (way behind schedule) "The Year That Was" posts, and it's the only year up until 2013, I can say that about.  Damned near everything that could go wrong?  Did go wrong, in 2013. 

But one thing didn't go wrong.  If anything, it was damned near perfect.

And that is the 2013 Kansas City Chiefs season.

The odds are, the Chiefs are going to lose on Sunday.  And that, in fact, is what I predict will happen:

* at Chargers 27, Chiefs (+9) 20.

If only because no Kansas City Chiefs team, has ever finished 12-4 ... and the last one to finish 11-5, stood sixty minutes away, from finally bringing Lamar's Trophy home where it belongs.

But how awesome is it, that Sunday has zero, zip, nada, not one implication, for the Chiefs playoff chances.

We're in the tournament no matter what happens at The Murph, or anywhere else, on Sunday.

Come Monday morning, the Chiefs have a 1 in 12 chance, of winning the Lombardi Trophy.  The same as the denver broncos, New England Patriots, Cincinnati Bengals, Indianapolis Colts, whatever crappy team grabs the six seed, the Seattle Seahawks, the San Francisco 49ers, the Carolina Panthers, whatever crappy team wins the NFC East, whatever crappy team wins the NFC Norris, and whatever ten plus win team doesn't get hosed for the last spot in on the NFC side, be it Arizona (hopefully) or New Orleans (probably).

On any given Sunday (or Saturday), anything can happen.  Next week's wildcard round post?

Is going to look at the wacky, wacky, wacky world that is ... Wildcard Weekend.  I'll just say this: for those of you who believe the Chiefs (AFC 5) and whoever the other three wildcards end up being, have no chance?

Only twice in the current format, has no wildcard team failed to advance.  But even in those two seasons (2006, 2011)?  One should have, if they hadn't botched the snap on an extra point length field goal as time expired (2006 Cowboys), and one took the tebows to overtime (2011 Steelers) before losing on an eighty yard bomb to open the cession of free football.

Enjoy Sunday gang.  And then prepare to enjoy the hell, out of Wildcard Weekend ...

week twelve picks

The Statisticals. Last Week SU: 8-6-0. Season to Date SU: 98-62-1. Last Week ATS: 7-7-0. Season to Date ATS: 75-80-6. Last Week Upset / ...