week seventeen: the calm before the storm

"Since the moment I spotted you?

I've been walking 'round with little wings on my shoes!

My stomach's filled with butterflies ...

And it's alright!

Bouncing around from cloud to cloud?

I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down!

If I said I didn't like it? 

Then you'd know I'd lie ...

Every time I try to talk to you?

I get tongue tied.

And everything I try to say to you?

Comes out wrong; it never comes out right.

So I say why don't you and I get together?

We'll take on the world, and be together forever!

Heads we win, and tails?  We'll try again!

So I say why don't you and I hold each other,

We'll fly to the moon, then straight on to heaven!

Because without you?  They're never gonna let me in ..."

-- "Why Don't You and I" by Alex Band (featuring Santana).

--------------------

Happy Friday peoples and peepettes!  If you need a reason to smile, to laugh, to feel good about life on this blessed final Friday of this sh*ttacular year from hell?  Realize this: there is exactly one, and only one, team in the National ... Football League, that literally has nothing to play for on Sunday, other than "the League requires us to show up".  No jockeying for draft position, no jockeying for playoff positioning, no jockeying for anything.  All that's left for the Chiefs to figure out, is where the hell I'm spending my 37th birthday: the 'Nati ... or Naptown.

Last Week ATS: 5-10-1.

Season to Date ATS: 102-129-8.

Last Week SU: 7-9-0.

Season to Date SU: 134-105-0.

Last Week Upsets O' The Week: 1-2.  Thank you "Super" Cardinals, for the one!

Season to Date Upsets O' The Week: 7-15.

This Week's Upset O' The Week: Bears (+2 1/2) over Packers.

In this week's edition of the picks, you will find ...

* A "fond farewell" to my most hated coach ... possibly ever.

* A "tribute" to the worst city in America to call home.  And no, it's not Detroit.  Or oakland.  It's worse.  (my cousin brooke voice) Damn skippy Stevo!

* My New Year's Wish for "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman.

* A special "Tale O' The Tape" involving my second favorite head coach of all time.

* And whatever other ideas pop into my mind.

As always, all lines provided by Danny Sheridan via USA Today.  Danny Sheridan: the official oddsmaker of Stevo's Site Numero Dos!

The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Wild Hares:

* Panthers (-5 1/2) 34, at Falcons 20.  As with last week, let's look at where the NFC playoff picture stands, because it's utterly discombobulated:

1. The Panthers, Seahawks, and 49ers have clinched playoff berths.

2. The Seahawks win the NFC West, and home field advantage, with a win over the Rams.

3. The Panthers win the NFC South, and a first round bye, with a win over the Falcons.

4. The 49ers win the NFC West, and home field advantage, with a win over the "Super" Cardinals and a Seahawks loss.

5. The Saints can win the NFC South with a win over the Bucs, and a Panthers loss.

6. The Saints can clinch a wildcard berth with a win over the Bucs, or a "Super" Cardinals loss to the 49ers.

7. The "Super" Cardinals can only get in with a win over the 49ers, and a Saints loss to the Bucs.

8. The winner of Packers / Bears wins the NFC Norris.

9. The winner of Eagles / Cowboys wins the NFC East.

My head officially hurts.  Let's move on. 

* at Titans 2, Texans (+7) 0.  And the AFC playoff picture, which is completely and totally clusterf*cked at the bottom:

1. The four division winners are settled: donkeys (West), Patriots (East), Bengals (Norris), Colts (South).

2. The Chiefs are locked into the five seed.

3. There are four teams vying for the last playoff spot: Ravens, Dolphins, Chargers, and Steelers.

4. The "my little ponies" earn home field advantage via a win over the raiders.

5. The Patriots earn a bye via a win over the Bills, and home field advantage via a win, and a bronkeys loss.

6. The Bengals earn a bye via a win over the Ravens, and a Patriots loss.  They earn the three seed with a win.

7. The Colts earn the three seed with a win over the Jaguars, and a Bengals loss.  They earn the two seed, with a win along with Bengals and Patriots losses.  They earn the four, with a win.

8. None of the four teams vying for the six seed, are in a "win and you're in" scenario.  If all four win?  It's Miami.  If all four lose?  It's Baltimore.  So here's how each gets in without all winning or losing:

* Ravens: win at Bengals coupled with either a Dolphins loss (vs Jets) or Chargers loss (vs Chiefs).  Ravens have tiebreaker over Dolphins via head to head victory.

* Dolphins: win vs Jets coupled with either a Ravens loss (at Bengals) or a Chargers loss (vs Chiefs).  Dolphins have tiebreaker over Chargers via head to head victory.

* Chargers: win vs Chiefs, coupled with both a Ravens loss () and Dolphins loss (vs Jets).  They have tiebreaker over noone.

* Steelers: only way in is via a win vs Browns, coupled with all three other contenders losing.  Steelers fans?  Stranger things have happened, my friends.  Stranger things have happened.

* at Steelers (-7) 34, Browns 10.  If you're Pittsburgh, how do you handle the offseason?  You're stuck right now, at best, as the third best team in the division.  Most of your top talent is either peaking now, or on the downside of their careers (as opposed to most of the Bengals talent, which hasn't even begun to truly peak).  Do you trade Ben?  Do you fire Coach Hobo?  Do you kick Dick LeBeau to the retirement line?  Do you clean house?  Do you regroup and load up for one last gasp with this core of talent (that has been to two Super Bowls in five years)?  I'm glad I am not the one, having to make those decisions.

* Redskins (+4) 3, at Giants 2.  I enjoy praising Daniel Snyder about as much as I enjoy sobriety ... but hold firm, sir.  All Hail the Redskins!

And since this is likely to be his final game at the helm, a warm Stevo's Site Numero Dos sendoff to the single biggest asshole to ever have the title "head coach" bestowed on him in this league, the classlessness, the nepotism, the cheating, the overall stench of a man known here as shanarat.

As John Madden would have noted: "now here's a guy ...".  Now here's a guy who had a backup quarterback attempt to kill his former boss, hires his son everywhere he goes to do ... well, only God knows what, other than steal some well-off owner's money, cheats the salary cap, and as the defending two time Lombardi Trophy winning coach, stood before the Denver City Council (along with his owner, the "classless jackass" patrick j. bowlen), and not only pled poverty to get fake mile high built, the two of them actually said the broncos could not compete in Real Mile High.  Wait, what?  You're the two time defending Super Bowl champions, but you are unable to win at home?  (Even more incredibly?  The Denver City Council bought it hook, line, and sinker!  Are we sure weed was only recently legalized in that fine state?)

Poor mike.  The game passed him by ten years ago, and he's the only one who hasn't figured that out.  Take a moment and laugh your ass off, at the knowledge that the end of shanarat came, because our Kansas City Chiefs treated him as he deserved to be treated -- as our own personal port-a-potty.  Let's all hope and pray that the only gig shanarat can get going forward, is to clean that personal port-a-potty.  Ideally with a toothbrush.

And then, like Allen Field House in the closing minutes of a KU victory, start singing.

"Na Na Na Na ...

Na Na Na Na ...

Hey Hey Hey ...

GOODBYE!!!!!

(throw in a hand waving bye-bye)

Na Na Na Na ...

Na Na Na Na ...

Hey Hey Hey ...

GOODBYE!!!!!

(raise a couple middle fingers while waving goodbye)

Na Na Na Na ...

Na Na Na Na ...

Hey Hey Hey ...

GOODBYE!!!!!"

Goodbye and good riddance shanarat.  Please -- let the door hit you in the ass on the way to the curb.  Repeatedly.  I hope that door smacks your ass so hard, I can hear it 1,250 miles away.  Because you earned every smack, that proverbial door delivers.

Hang on, I'm not done yet.  One more victory lap:

Na Na Na Na ...
Na Na Na Na ...
Hey Hey Hey ...
GOODBYE!!!!!

I cannot promise, we aren't coming back to this.  My God in Heaven, I DESPISE mike shanarat.  (kevin harlan voice) Not even his rat tail and nasty overbite teeth can save shanarat come 4:30pm ET on Sunday!!!!!

* at Colts 24, Jaguars (+11) 21.  Your Gordon Shumway Game O' The Week! 

* at Bengals (-6) 28, Ravens 20.  Should be enjoyable enough to watch. 

* at Vikings (-3) 24, Lions 14.  Your Good Times Game O' The Week!  And also, your Put The Postgame Presser On ESPNEWS Game O' The Week!  Because at least one of the two coaches in this matchup, is getting sh*t canned the moment this puppy goes final.  (If not sooner!)

* at Patriots 28, Bills (+9) 24.  I was walking home the other night, struggling to avoid the snow, the cold, the ice, the misery that is south KC in late December, and noticed a guy headed my direction wearing a Bills jacket.  And I thought "my God, how can anyone do it?  How can anyone live in Buffalo?"

The football team hasn't posted a winning record since 2004.  They haven't made the playoffs since 1999.  Let that sink in folks -- the last time the Bills made the playoffs?  I was still a month away from hooking up with a friend's sister's friend that happened to moonlight as a stripper.  My "night that will live in infamy" -- me, a stripper, a crippled chick, and a chick with a mustache nicknamed Ratty*, was still two months away from (cheap joke applause line voice) "going down"! 

They haven't won the division since 1996, a playoff game since 1995, and lost four straight Super Bowls prior to that.  They have no major league baseball team, and their NBA franchise bolted for southern California thirty years ago.  The hockey team is a joke, the "funniest" moment of the joke being the kicked goal that gave the Stars the 1999 Stanley Cup.  It's cold, it's miserable, and the biggest attraction is either Niagara Falls, or the border crossing that enable folks to enter a casino and gamble away their paychecks.  Plus, when you can make this statement I'm about to type, and nobody will disagree with it, what does it say about your choice of residence:

"oakland is the ass crack of America; Buffalo is the arm pit.  Detroit is either the toe jam or ear wax buildup."

Admit it -- NOBODY disagreed with that sentence.

In that regard, maybe Buffalo is like NASCAR.  I've always said, even if you cannot stand racing, just go to a Cup race, and you will instantly feel 92.46% better about yourself, because even if you are so poor you eat dirt for dinner, you're still prettier, better off, and live better, than 92.46% of the folks in the stands.  And admit it -- you just nodded in agreement again.

Poor Buffalo.  Here's to another year of irrelevance, for the most irrelevant mid-sized city, in this amazing nation we call 'Merica.

(*: I'm not sure whether to be proud, or ashamed, of that night.  I'll leave that one up to The Champ to decide.  But for the record, I lean proud.  Even if it did involve a stripper, a chick who needed assistance to walk, and a chick with horrific facial hair that everyone called "Ratty".  (Pause).  Yeah, I definitely lean proud!)

* at Saints 27, Bucs (+12 1/2) 21.  This line is patently absurd.  "Super" Cardinals fans' hopes and dreams will stay afloat until at least the early 4th quarter in the desert.  Plus, this is a biggie for the Saints, who are still alive for the NFC South (via a win and Panthers loss), a first round bye, and sliding into the five slot if the 49ers lose to the "Super" Cardinals (and draw Dallas or Philly) versus the six spot (and open at Green Bay or Chicago).  A sneaky good week 17 matchup.

And for what it's worth, I wouldn't fire Greg Schiano.  (Which means he's getting shown the door no later than Tuesday morning.)

* sons of satan 21, at raiders (+12) 17.  I feel it is important to state, what this game means to me -- my two most despised franchises in professional sports, meeting in the decrepit backed up toilet that is whatever the hell oakland alameda county coliseum goes by nowadays.  Because Sunday?  Only occurs once a year, and that occurrence, is this:

I am, and try to be, as patriotic and pro-America as I can be.  And for 364 days, 20 hours, and 40 some odd minutes a year, I stand opposed to any American being attacked, or losing their life, either in combat, through terrorism, drunken mishaps, stupid decisions, or what have you.

But then, there's the three hour and twenty some odd minute window, when the broncos and raiders do battle in oakland, that I openly root for a terrorist attack to occur.  So allow me to make a third statement that most of you reading this will nod your heads in agreement to:

If terrorists attack whatever the hell the oakland alameda county coliseum goes by nowadays while the broncos and raiders are playing each other, it is NOT a national tragedy.  It IS cause for national celebration.

Here's raising a cold one, to hoping we're celebrating, come about 4:45pm CT on Sunday.

Also, in case you missed it ... from Bill Simmons' Week 17 picks at Grantland.com ... and hell yes, I am not the only one who believes the denver broncos are satan's squad:

(image: Snag-It screen shot; image credit denver broncos Twitter account.)

* at "Super" Cardinals (PK) 28, 49ers 27.  I really hope the "Super" Cardinals get in.  But I'm sadly wagering they won't.

* at Bears (+2 1/2) 31, Packers 28 (OT).  One of the two "win and you're in" games is going to deliver something epic.  My bet is, it's this one. 

And if you're a NFC team, how frightened are you at this prospect: the Packers, behind Aaron Rodgers, beat the Bears, to get in as the four seed.  (The Packers cannot pass whoever wins Philly / Dallas for the three, but Chicago can pass the NFC East winner if its Dallas)  They welcome the 49ers to Lambeau on a typical January Saturday in that place: cold, miserable, with precipitation.  And let's say the Saints beat the NFC East winner in the wildcard.

That means we're looking at Green Bay going to Carolina, to face a roster that hasn't been in this place before.  Hell, the Panthers haven't made the playoffs since 2008.  Green Bay, veteran team, in that spot?  I'd lay the points.  I'd probably pick the outright upset.  And if you're Seattle or New Orleans, do you really want any part of a Packers team that was 5-2 when Rodgers went down, the only two losses by ten combined points at Candlestick and the Paul?  I sure as hell wouldn't.

* at Seahawks (-10 1/2) 31, Rams 20.  For a game as ignored as this one currently is, there's a helluva lot riding on the outcome of this game.  The winner of the NFC West.  Home field advantage throughout the playoffs.  Or, a Seattle trip to Lambeau or Soldier Field or the Linc or Jerry World in the prime time slot next Saturday.

* at Cowboys (+6) 31, Eagles 24.  Frighteningly enough, I like Dallas even with Kyle Orton under center.  Hell, even if comes down to recently signed Jon Kitna, I still like Dallas in this spot.  Which means, if the above scenarios hold, our wildcard weekend matchups would be (and likely time slot):

Chiefs (AFC 5) at Colts (AFC 4), 3:30pm Saturday, January 4th.

Saints (NFC 5) at Cowboys (NFC 4), 7pm Saturday, January 4th.
Dolphins (AFC 6) at Bengals (AFC 3), noon, Sunday January 5th.

49ers (NFC 6) at Bears (NFC 3), 3:30pm, Sunday January 5th.

The only contests I can see flipping, is the two NFC showdowns.  Especially if Dallas gets the three, and faces San Francisco, instead of Chicago.

And yes -- nothing says "my birthday", like attending a playoff game against Indianapolis.  (dan dierdorf voice) We've seen it before.  (frank gifford voice) Oh yeah!

(Or, more accurately, nothing says "my birthday", like losing a playoff game to Indianapolis.  *Cough 1995 Cough*.  *Cough 2003 Cough*.  *Cough 2006 Cough*.)

The "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week:

Sadly, the Klassy One didn't tweet anything of note this week.  But still, if there's one thing to appreciate and be thankful for in 2013 -- to say nothing of look forward to in 2014 -- I'd argue it's having a hypocrite the likes of Klassy Kev' on our local airwaves five times a week, four hours a day.  Where else, sports fans -- and I am being serious here -- where else can you hear a man trash the Chiefs for refusing to draft Geno Smith?  Where else can you hear a man rip Mizzou for bolting to the SEC?  Where else can you hear a man informing us he had inside knowledge that Mizzou was leaving for the Big Ten (Plus Four)? 

Where else can you hear a man who believes the Royals would be better off with a downtown ballpark, when the Truman Sports Complex is not just the envy of most of the nation, it is copied on a yearly basis by such "backwater communities" as New York, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Baltimore, and the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex?  Where else will you hear a man who lives on the seventh green of Falcon Ridge b*tch about the well-off flaunting their wealth?  (That's not fair to Klassy Kevin -- you can hear that every four years, for a solid week, when the Democrat National Convention is underway.)  

Where else will you hear a man who claims to "tell it like it is", to "read between the lines" if you will, where else will you hear a man like that hang up routinely on callers who dare to disagree with him?

Where else will you hear Snoozapalooza on a weekly basis as Jim Colbert, various grilling companies, and cookie diets are pimped?  Where else will you hear Jack Harry and the Klassy One spar each week over who's the bigger blowhard? 

And where else will you hear a man who touts "family values" as one of his strengths, when anyone and everyone knows his marriage imploded due to a fling with an intern that (allegedly) hit the fan when he was (allegedly) told "you may pull your pants up now" by one of Perfect Village's finest?

There are three types of people in life that I despise, and prefer not to tolerate.  I despise people who intentionally disrespect, mistreat, or hurt other people.  I despise chicken sh*t gutless cowards.  But I REALLY despise hypocrites.  It's not often you find a man that literally is all three things I despise.  I can only think of one person, honestly, who nails the trifecta of despicable human beings.  Fortunately for him, Klassy Kevin isn't that person.

But Ol' Klassy Kev' nails at least two of the three.  I suppose it's to his credit, he doesn't intentionally disrespect, mistreat, or hurt other people.  (kkk's ex-wife voice) The hell he doesn't!  

Whoops.  I guess he is all three things, I despise in a human being.  Way to hit the trifecta, buddy!

My hope for the New Year for the Klassy One, is that he removes "hypocrite" from the list of adjectives, that perfectly describe him.

And if he doesn't ... that's what Greg Hall's column, and this site's Klassy Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week, is for.

The Poem:

There is no "The Poem" due to the Chiefs being on the road.

(Note: if I make the trip to Indy or Cincinnati -- and at this point, I am going so long as it's those two cities and not New England, to open the playoffs -- there will be a "The Poem" next week.)

The Tailgating Plans:

There is no "The Tailgating Plans" due to the Chiefs being on the road. 

(Note: if I make the trip to Indy or Cincinnati -- and at this point, I am going so long as it's those two cities and not New England, to open the playoffs -- there will be a "The Tailgating Plans" next week.  Although if it's Cincinnati, those plans will probably be a in bar in Newport, before crossing a pedestrian bridge into a stadium best known as "the place Stevo got cold cocked by drunk Bengals fan".  God, I hope that asshole is sitting in front of me again, if it's Cincy we're headed to.  Because I am ready to "pay it forward" to that jackwagon.)

The Flashback -- Chiefs at Chargers:

The Murph is the Chiefs true house of horrors.

So many seasons have been negatively affected by our annual trip to the artist formerly known as Jack Murphy Stadium.  (Note: as a student of history, and as the biggest ABA fan you will ever meet, that wasn't alive for a single day of that lunatic league's existence, I refuse to call Qualcomm Stadium "The Q".  That's an insult to the real San Diego "Q", the Conquistadors.  Hence "The Murph".  Why change what works.)

In just the last 15 years alone:

In 1998, the Chiefs led 37-17 with eight minutes to play in week twelve.  They lost 38-37 behind an epic rally by Craig Whelihan.  (Who?)

In 1999, the Chiefs lost 21-14 to the Chargers in week four.  They lost the division on tiebreakers.

In 2000, the Chiefs handed the Chargers their only win of the season, an embarrassing 17-16 defeat that most fans across the country (mercifully) missed the ending of.  Why, you ask, did a national CBS game get blacked out across the country?  Because a disgraceful, clueless dolt named Katherine Harris chose to certify the Florida election, during the 4th quarter of that game.  Of ALL the days of defeat in that hellhole, none has hurt worse, than 2000.

In 2002, the Chiefs blew a late six point lead, and lost 35-34.  They missed the playoffs by one game.

In 2004, to close out the season, the Chargers rested all their starters ... and beat the Chiefs 24-17 in one of the most disgraceful, God-awful performances in franchise history.

In 2005, the Chiefs lost 35-30 in week eight out there.  They finished 10-6, missing the playoffs by one game.  (D'oh!)  This game also, for all intents and purposes, ended Priest Holmes' career; he suffered a virtual career-ending neck injury early in the 2nd half of this game.

In 2006, the Chiefs lost 24-9 in week fifteen out there.  Most assumed that ended their playoff hopes.  Thanks to the Immaculate Fourfecta, it did not.

In 2010, the Chiefs lost 31-0 in week fourteen out there.  Many feared that would open the back door to a Chargers division championship.  Thankfully, the Chiefs won their next two (and the Chargers lost theirs), to hand the division to the Chiefs.

In 2011, the Chiefs fell behind 17-0, rallied to tie, then lost on a late field goal 20-17 in week three.  The Chiefs lost the division by one game.

The Chiefs are 2-13 in their last 15 at The Murph.  The only wins?  2003 (28-24 over Thanksgiving weekend), and 2007 (a 30-16 comeback win in week four, that arguably was the high water mark of the Herm Edwards era.)

Circle me ready to blow The Murph to kingdom come, Bert.

The Jets Prognostication:

* at Dolphins (-5 1/2) 41, Jets 13.  Seeing the Jets over the last month, reminds me of one of my favorite quotes of all time, by the legendary Jim Mora Sr., after a horrific defeat at the Dome all those years ago.  "Well, what happened was, that second game, we got our ass kicked.  Err, the second half, we just got our ass totally kicked.  We couldn't do diddly poo offensively.  We sucked.  We couldn't make a first down.  We couldn't run the ball; we didn't try to run the ball.  We couldn't complete a pass -- we sucked!  The second half?  We sucked!  We couldn't stop the run.  Every time they got the ball, they went down and got points.  We got our ass totally kicked in the second half -- that's what it boiled down to.  It was a horsesh*t performance in the second half.  Horsesh*t."

(Translation: we didn't play to win the game.)

(Pause).  What?  (Pause).  I do?  Who?  Who sends in a conveniently timed fake email as I'm typing up this post?  Who does that?  (Pause).  Oh.  Well hell, send it on through!

"What is your favorite Jim Mora Senior rant or quote?" -- Herm E, Bristol.

You know, Coach, that's a phenomenal question, and there's only one way to decide a winner.  After all, you play to win the game!  Wait, is that ... (good ol' jr voice) GOOD GOD!  THAT'S THE TALE O' THE TAPE'S MUSIC!!!  Yes, it's that time.  Two contestants.  Seven questions.  Three possible outcomes.  Only one winner.

It's time for Week 17's Tale O' The Tape!!!

(jimmy lennon jr voice) In this corner, weighing in at nearly a minute in length, across two back-to-back questions, is a classic from the 2001 season best known as "Playoffs?!?!"  And in this corner, weighing in at nearly a minute in length, although only across one question, is a classic from the 1993 season best known as "SICK!"  Mr. Lennon Junior, will you kindly do us the honors, sir?  (jimmy lennon jr. voice) My pleasure, Stevo.  Ladies and gentlemen?  It's SHOOOOOOOOOWTIMEEEEEEE!"

Question 1: What is the context of the quote?

Playoffs: following a loss to the 49ers in 2001, Jim Mora Sr. angrily analyzes his team's performance.

Sick: following a loss to the Giants in 1993, Jim Mora Sr. angrily analyzes his team's fans performance.

Advantage: push.  We are all winners here.

Question 2: Has been used ever since for hilarity and advertising's sake?

Playoffs: yes.

Sick: no.

Advantage: Playoffs.

Question 3: Is Mr. Mora Sr. defending his QB, or throwing his QB under the bus, with the quote?

Playoffs: under the bus.

Sick: defending the QB.

Advantage: Sick.  Especially given the QB being chucked under the proverbial bus is satan landing ... excuse me, peyton manning.

Question 4: Did the defeat that led to the quote cost Mora's team a playoff berth?

Playoffs: no.

Sick: yes.

Advantage: Playoffs.

Question 5: Was the quote a potential factor in Mr. Mora Sr.'s eventual firing by the franchise?

Playoffs: yes; Mr. Mora Sr. "resigned" less than a month later.

Sick: no; Mr. Mora Sr. coached another 2 1/2 seasons after the quote.

Advantage: Sick. 

Question 6: Is the quote amongst the ten funniest / most memorable coaching comments of all time?

Playoffs: hell yes.

Sick: hell yes.

Advantage: push.

And finally ...

Question 7: What is the quote?

Playoffs: "Well, I'll start off by saying this: do not blame that game on the defense, OK?  I don't care who you play, whether it's a high school team, a junior college team, a college team, much less a NFL team, when you turn the ball over five times -- four interceptions, one for a touchdown, three others in field position to set up touchdowns -- you ain't going to beat anybody I just talked about.  Anybody.  Alright?  And that was a disgraceful performance, in my opinion.  We threw that game.  We gave it away by doing that.  We gave them the friggin game!  In my opinion?  That sucked.  You know?  You can't turn the ball over five times like that.  Holy crap!  I don't know who the hell we think we are, when we do something like that.  Unbelievable!  Five turnovers!  One of them for -- we've thrown four interceptions for touchdowns this year.  That might be a NFL record!  Hell, we've got six -- five? -- five.  Uum, we've still got six games to play!  No telling what might happen!  That's pitiful!  I mean, it's absolutely pitiful, to perform like that.  Pitiful!  If our defense hadn't played halfway decent against a great offensive football team, they might have scored sixty!  That's it! ...

... "Playoffs?  Don't talk about, playoffs?  You kidding me?  Playoffs?  Hell, I just hope we win a game!  Another game!"

Sick: "You know, I'd like to begin my remarks by saying this, and I mean this with all sincerity: I've been coaching for 34 years, and tonight I saw and heard one of the most disgusting, rudest, sick demonstrations in my entire career.  Probably THE worst.  When Wade Wilson got hurt, I actually looked up into the stands and saw people standing, clapping, and cheering when he lay on the ground with a knee injury.  And I say this: those are some sick, sick, SICK people!  Mentally sick!  I thought it was horrible, disgusting, embarrassing, shameful.  It stunk!  People are SICK when they do something like that, absolutely friggin SICK!  Guy's out there busting his ass like all of guys were, gets his knee blown up, not badly hopefully, and they're standing and cheering and clapping!  Those are sick people!  Sick in the head!  They outta get their ass thrown right out of the stadium!"

Advantage, and winner of this week's Tale O' The Tape: Sick.  See, Eric Winston?  Chiefs fans aren't the only ones who cheer when sh*ttacular quarterbacks get (emmitt smith voice) blowed up.  Hell, the Saints fans beat us to it by a couple decades.  Eat it, you worthless fat ass.  Eat it.

(Thanks for playing!)

The Chiefs Prognostication:

I began writing "The Annual Column" on Monday, December 2nd.  And it's still not complete.

It's getting there.  Slowly yet surely, I'm beginning to like how it sounds.  But writing that post this year -- a task I can usually knock out in about three hours of straight typing -- is proving to be very difficult.  Because in many regards, 2013 was the worst year of my life, and the only year that the stench of 2013 even comes close to matching, is 2002.  2002 was so awful of a year, I have no desire to recap it in the (way behind schedule) "The Year That Was" posts, and it's the only year up until 2013, I can say that about.  Damned near everything that could go wrong?  Did go wrong, in 2013. 

But one thing didn't go wrong.  If anything, it was damned near perfect.

And that is the 2013 Kansas City Chiefs season.

The odds are, the Chiefs are going to lose on Sunday.  And that, in fact, is what I predict will happen:

* at Chargers 27, Chiefs (+9) 20.

If only because no Kansas City Chiefs team, has ever finished 12-4 ... and the last one to finish 11-5, stood sixty minutes away, from finally bringing Lamar's Trophy home where it belongs.

But how awesome is it, that Sunday has zero, zip, nada, not one implication, for the Chiefs playoff chances.

We're in the tournament no matter what happens at The Murph, or anywhere else, on Sunday.

Come Monday morning, the Chiefs have a 1 in 12 chance, of winning the Lombardi Trophy.  The same as the denver broncos, New England Patriots, Cincinnati Bengals, Indianapolis Colts, whatever crappy team grabs the six seed, the Seattle Seahawks, the San Francisco 49ers, the Carolina Panthers, whatever crappy team wins the NFC East, whatever crappy team wins the NFC Norris, and whatever ten plus win team doesn't get hosed for the last spot in on the NFC side, be it Arizona (hopefully) or New Orleans (probably).

On any given Sunday (or Saturday), anything can happen.  Next week's wildcard round post?

Is going to look at the wacky, wacky, wacky world that is ... Wildcard Weekend.  I'll just say this: for those of you who believe the Chiefs (AFC 5) and whoever the other three wildcards end up being, have no chance?

Only twice in the current format, has no wildcard team failed to advance.  But even in those two seasons (2006, 2011)?  One should have, if they hadn't botched the snap on an extra point length field goal as time expired (2006 Cowboys), and one took the tebows to overtime (2011 Steelers) before losing on an eighty yard bomb to open the cession of free football.

Enjoy Sunday gang.  And then prepare to enjoy the hell, out of Wildcard Weekend ...