Tuesday, December 3, 2013

chiefs! broncos! the recap's theme ...

sk: still working on the recap.  It's nowhere near up to par.  This thing right now is in worse shape, than me on the 15th at Wee-Ma-Tuk on Fourth of July weekend back in the day -- namely, I'd be at central Illinois' (finest) golf course staring a +28 on the scorecard, standing at the tee headed into the downhill (as best I remember 15th ... but it might have been the 17th, in which case, I'd be +41) hole that only I could manage to post a snowman on.

My way of saying, I'm not happy with the recap at all.  So, it'll probably be Thursday before it's posted, given (a) the workday facing me tomorrow, (b) bowling league tomorrow night, and (c) the workday on Thursday.

But the theme fits.  Please see below, the theme for this week's (latest) defeat ... and the initial paragraphs, of what's coming.  If only to tide you over.

And yes, the theme is an atrocious (in a good way) song.  Not just for the game, but for where life is at this point.

Or to at least give you a ... whatever ply printer paper is, for the second office.

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“I’ve got to say it, and it’s hard for me.
You got me crying like I thought I would never be.
Love is believing, but you let me down!
How can I love you when you ain’t around?

And I …

Get to the morning, but you never call.
Love should be everything or not at all!
But it don’t matter – whatever you do?
I’ve made a life out of loving you.

Only to find?  Any dream that I follow, is dying!
I’m crying in the rain.
I could be searching my world for a love everlasting,
Feeling no pain.  When will we meet again?

Why do you have to be a heartbreaker?
Is it a lesson that I never knew?
Gotta get out of the spell that I’m under –
My love for you.

Why do you have to be a heartbreaker,
When I was being what you want me to be!
Suddenly everything I ever wanted? 
Has passed me by.

This world may end –
But not you and I! …


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I have said before, both in person and on this site, many times before, that the 1980 US Hockey Team is my favorite sports team of all time.

If you have seen “Miracle”, the (shockingly good) 2004 movie about that hockey team, there’s a scene after Herb and his boys arrive in Lake Placid, where Herb is sitting with his wife, watching the kids skate in the park, and he begins lamenting that his team is going to disappoint the nation in twenty four hours.  He begins noting that the US just doesn’t match up.  They simply don’t have the talent to pull off the upset.

And his wife listens for awhile, before finally stopping him and asking one question.  “What have you been saying all along, Herb?”

Mr. Brooks’ response?  “Someone’s gonna beat those guys.  Someone’s gonna beat those bastards.”

That, folks, was my response leaving yesterday’s game.  Someone IS going to beat those assholes.  And I pray to God we get one last crack at them, the second Saturday in January, at “The House patrick j. bowlen’s Lies Built”, to be the team to do it.

The denver broncos won the AFC West yesterday, and given their remaining schedule, they probably clinched home field advantage, and an opening slot in the Saturday night prime time position in the divisional round.  Thanks to so many advantageous outcomes yesterday, the Kansas City Chiefs all but clinched a playoff berth yesterday – one win will do it, and even if that win does not come on the road these next two weeks against craptacular opposition (at Redskins / at raiders), the Chiefs are still three clear with four to go, and only a collapse that would make 1996’s collapse (four up with five to play) look minor, would keep the Chiefs from opening at Cincinnati or Indy on my (gulp) 37th birthday weekend.

A road trip, by the way, we’re making; that was decided three weeks ago, and confirmed waiting for Lot G to clear out last night.  Indy?  Cincy?  One of you two fine establishments is hosting one helluva birthday bash for your buddy Stevo.  Get the party favors ready, and make sure every local liquor establishment is well stocked with Jack Daniels, Southern Comfort, and Coca-Cola.  Or Diet Coke in a pinch.

Yesterday was one of the more stressful games I’ve ever witnessed in that stadium.  For fifty eight minutes and sixteen seconds, the Chiefs went toe to toe with Satan’s Squad, and give them credit – they had a 4th and 3 at the donkeys 9, with 1:44 to play, trailing by seven.  They stood when they had to in the fourth quarter, forcing not one, but two donkeys punts when trailing by 14 and then 7.  They drove 90 plus yards down 14; they nearly did it again down 7. 

But give denver credit too.  They scored 28 unanswered after going down 14 themselves.  They had at least five play calls in the second half in which I turned to the other Steve, the guy I sit by, and simply said “that was genius”.  Give denver all the credit in the world – in the span of eight days, needing at least one win at two of the three toughest venues in the league, they got one win, and damned near got two. 

They earned the division, and I congratulate them for it.

But someone’s gonna beat those jackasses.

I hope we get one last crack at them.


Because the Chiefs are good enough, to be the team that beats them when it truly counts.

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“The twins are doing the tomahawk chop!  One proud dad!” – my brother, to me, shortly before kickoff.

“Very audible “f*ck the broncos!” chant going right now.  You get the twins to do that …” – my response.

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The first hysterical moment, was during KC Wolf’s sketch.  Obviously, given Mr. Wolf’s recent demise via that ol’ “jump line fails and Wolf plows either (a) onto the concrete below or (b) into the concrete in front, and breaks his back” routine that never fails to shut a mascot down.

But Sunday … was priceless.

First, Dan Roberts invites us to welcome Warpaint, after a brief “get well soon / please, dear Jesus, do not sue us!!!” moment of appreciation for Mr. Wolf.  And then Dan Roberts notes that the broncos also have a horse mascot, and that instead of a KC Wolf sketch that we all know how it would have gone*, instead, there’s going to be a race, between Warpaint, and the “broncos mascot”.

Cue a literal jackass**, wearing pink ribbons and bows, being drug up next to Warpaint.

I literally had tears streaming down my face from laughing as hard as I did.  The only thing that was missing, was if some fat drunk wearing a barrel upheld by suspenders, and only a barrel upheld by suspenders, was atop the “broncos mascot”.  Even the broncos fan my seatmate Ryan brought, thought it was funny. 

Needless to say, the donkey did not win the race.  I’m just thankful he didn’t defecate on the field.  Because from my vantage point, he definitely looked ready to take a squat at about the 35 yard line.  That was not a happy donkey.  But it was a happy Stevo, laughing at poor donkey being drug around in misery.

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(*: it’s my second favorite KC Wolf sketch ever: classless broncos fan wearing a barrel steals Wolf’s … whatever, then Wolf hauls ass after him, reaches the strategically placed ATV, chases “barrel man” onto the field, and then drop kicks him about six times, before grabbing the donkeys flag, driving over it about 50 times, as “barrel man” lay dead next to the conveniently placed ATV.  This sketch?  Occurred not even two weeks after Barrel Man died.  There’s classless, and then there’s tastefully done comedy.  That?  I could be talked into “tastefully done”.

Oh, and my favorite?  Was when Mr. Wolf so defiled a Deion Sanders dummy before the 49ers game in 1994, that Mr. Sanders walked out onto the field, grabbed the defiled dummy, and propped it up next to him on the bench for the rest of the day.  There’s comedy, there’s comedic genius, and then there’s “even Pat Summerall and John Madden are getting a good laugh out of Deion Sanders’ propping up a dummy” hilarity.)

(**: if the Bible refers to a donkey as an “ass” or a “jackass”, depending upon your version and translation, then I feel perfectly comfortable referring to the broncos mascot as a jackass.  Even Jesus hates the denver broncos!)

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I made it into work this morning (as in, I’m picking up the recap here on Tuesday, not Monday – I had a PTO day on Monday), and Shannon, who sits in front of me, stands up and this conversation occurs:

(shannon) Whew!  I had my doubts!
(stevo) What do you mean?
(shannon) When I heard a guy died out there, I thought for sure it was you … or that you were the killer.
(stevo) Nah.  Total opposite side of the stadium.  Besides, we don’t kill people where I tailgate.  We have good old fashioned fun of an adult entertainment variety!

Sadly, I also had this conversation when standing in the sandwich line at 12:40 this afternoon:

(pat) Hey!  Good to see you!
(stevo) Yeah, you too!  It’s been a while.
(pat) So were you there Sunday?
(stevo) Come on.  You know I will never miss denver.
(pat) I figured.  So that guy who was murdered?  He used to date my daughter.
(stevo) (nearly letting a solid spit launch that would make Eli Gold proud) Are you serious?
(pat) Yeah.  He was a great kid.  Sad day.

I’d say so.

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Here’s why I’m not demoralized, defeated, or downtrodden over Sunday’s loss.  And granted, it’s taken me a day or so to get to this point … but considering after the defeat to those people in 2002, I came home, grabbed a handle of vodka, and locked myself in my room for three straight days to “deal” with the defeat, only needing one day is progress.

Chiefs fans?  If you had been told at 3:15pm on Sunday, that the following four things would occur:

(1) Alex Smith would throw a horrendous, indefensible interception from the donkeys 1 yard line on the first drive of the game,
(2) The broncos would score 28 unanswered points,
(3) That eric decker would have not one, not two, not three, but four touchdowns, and
(4) The Chiefs would have the ball, 4th and 3, at the donkeys 9, with 1:44 to play, and a chance to tie, would you have taken it?

All four of those things, happened on Sunday.

And for the record, I absolutely would have taken it.

It’s why someone is gonna beat those guys when it really counts.

And I want one last crack at ‘em, come the second Saturday in January.

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The rest, coming by Thursday.

OK, ok, fine -- Friday.

(Hang on, let me build in Saturday ...)

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