Wednesday, May 29, 2013

stevo looks back (at his twenty seven favorite episodes of all time). here's number three ...

(Mrs. Coach) Where would people park?
(Coach) I don't know.
(Mrs. Coach) And how would you put lights in here?
(Coach) I don't know that either.
(Mrs. Coach) Where would people ... pee?
(Coach) (getting irritated) Well I don't know!  They could use cups for all I care!  I, I don't know!"
(Coach) The cows agree with me, I don't see why you don't!
(Mrs. Coach) Sweetie, don't --
(Coach) The cows are more supportive than you are!
(Mrs. Coach) You know I'm supportive!  I'm just thinking, you know, you got a lot on your mind, you got this TMU thing, you know, lawsuit, you know -- this may not be the clearest thought you've had in awhile."
(Coach) I'm getting pressured into giving up my home field advantage right now.  I'm getting players who are receiving gifts, and I've got a whole damned town that's full of ... I don't know, they're ... they're money hungry.  The whole damned thing, it's --
(Mrs. Coach) I know, I know.
(Coach) I know.  All I wanna do is just ... I just ... close your eyes.  Pretend you're ten years old again.  You're just playing.  Just play.  I wanna play football.
(Coach and Mrs. Coach smile and kiss).
(Mrs. Coach) Where are you going?
(Coach) I'm gonna go to the truck and get some blankets.
(Mrs. Coach) (finally sees his vision)
(Mrs. Coach) You know Buddy Garrity's head's gonna explode (claps with joy)!  I love it!  I love it!
(and ... scene).

-- from "Mud Bowl", "Friday Night Lights".

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(jim nantz voice) Hello, friends.

Welcome to the first of a new saga of posts, where I am going to retroactively "live blog" my 27 favorite television episodes of all time.  The full list of what episodes are going to receive this special treatment, are listed below.  For the opening installment, I choose to recap and look back at my third favorite episode of all time.

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For the record, here are the twenty seven episodes I intend to live-blog / recap by the end of the summer.  (Which means, like my "Decade That Was" series that I intended to crank out in a month over two years ago, and still is only halfway completed -- peoples and peepettes?  Take what you can get, and be grateful.)

The list:

1. "Hearts and Souls", NYPD Blue.
2. "The Man Behind The Curtain", Lost.
3. "Mud Bowl", Friday Night Lights.
4. "Heartland", NCIS.
5. "The Thrilla Near The Vanilla Extract", Roseanne.
6. "Chuckles Bites The Dust", The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
7. "Cries of Silence", Hunter.
8. "Raging Bulls", NYPD Blue.
9. "The Son", Friday Night Lights.
10. "The Shape Of Things To Come", Lost.
11. "A Matter Of Mothers", Good Times.
12. "Happily Ever After", Lost.
13. "Leslie and Ben", Parks and Recreation.
14. "2162 Votes", The West Wing.
15. "I Dream Of Jesus", Family Guy.
16. "JR's Masterpiece", Dallas (reboot).
17a. "College", The Sopranos.
17b. "Made In America", The Sopranos.  What?  I couldn't decide.
18. "What A Day For A Daydream", Roseanne.
19. "Forever Blue", Cold Case.
20. "The Merv Griffin Show", Seinfeld.
21. "Pilot", Smash.
22. "The Rainy Day Women", The OC.
23. "Two Cathedrals", The West Wing.
24. "The Wind That Blew My Heart Away", One Tree Hill.
25. "Cabin Fever", Swingtown.
26. "The Accident", The Wonder Years.
27. "Baby Blues", Cold Case.

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"Mud Bowl", Friday Night Lights.
Season One, Episode Twenty.
First Aired: March 28, 2007.
Director: David Boyd.
Writer(s): Elizabeth Heldens and David Hudgens.
Run Time: 43 minutes.

Availability:
Netflix?  Yes.  The entire series is available.
Hulu?  This episode, no; seasons four and five, yes.
Youtube?  Yes, for $1.99.

Plot Summary: With the final game before the state championships looming, an unforeseen event jeopardizes the Panthers' home turf advantage.  Meanwhile, (Coach) Taylor fears his players are losing their grasp of the true spirit of football, so he tries to instill in them a love of the game.

Why I Love This Episode So Much: what, you mean other than the fact that this is without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- the coolest football game on film to ever be recorded, let alone air?  And somehow, the game itself -- which again, is (allard baird voice) without question THE coolest football game on film to ever be recorded, let alone air -- is totally overshadowed by not one, not two, but three "whoa! (brian griffin voice) what the hell?!?!?!" plot line developments in the final five minutes?  Gee, I cannot possibly imagine why I'd love this episode!

Seriously, if you have never given "Friday Night Lights" a chance?  THIS is the episode to watch.  I defy you to not be addicted to this show, after watching this episode.  It's that epically good.  And most "Lights" fans would argue this is, at best, the fifth best episode of the first season (after in some order, the pilot, "It's Different For Girls", "Black Eyes and Broken Hearts", and "State").

(late 1980s nbc announcer voice) And now, "Mud Bowl", from season one of "Friday Night Lights".

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* 0:01: the "previously" montage.  "Lights" set up the final four episode arc so perfectly, and successfully juggled so many story lines for so many characters, that you actually need one of these suckers with this show.  We're reminded that, entering the state semi-finals:

a. Coach has an offer to coach at TMU in the fall.
b. Julie is disgusted by the idea of moving again.
c. Tyra is attempting to do something noone in her family ever has (attend college).
d. Mrs. Coach is Tyra's biggest supporter, despite the fact that she hates that Tyra is Julie's good friend*.
e. Smash's girlfriend is bi-polar.
f. Riggins is nailing his neighbor (played by the always gorgeous Brooke Langton).
g. Street's lawsuit is threatening to take Coach down.
h. Lyla and Street's relationship has disintegrated.
i. Saracen is scared to death, and unsure of his capabilities.
j. Street is going to somehow mold Saracen into the leader he needs to be.

And that's just a recap!  And it doesn't even get into the subplots of the Riggins boys relationship (or utter lack of one) with their father; Mac's racist comment that nearly cost the Panthers their playoff opener when Smash and the other African-American players refused to suit up; Smash's steroid abuse, and Coach's shameful covering up of it; Julie and Saracen's developing relationship; and the latest new tunes from everyone's favorite band, Crucifictorious!

So we open the episode by further exploring which of the ten previous story lines?

0:43: Riggins waking up after having spent the night with Bo's mom.  See, this is win-win at its' finest: the ladies and gay dudes get to stare at Taylor Kitsch half-naked, the gentlemen and gay chicas get to stare at Brooke Langton (almost) half naked.  In the words of the great Nick Bakay: "advantage?  push.  We are all winners here".

(*: Alan Sepinwall has debated the QB1 / Coach dynamic far better than I could ever do ... but Mrs. Coach / Tyra's dynamic is at least as interesting as Coach's respect yet dislike of his meal ticket for the first three seasons of this show.  Mrs. Coach bars Julie from seeing Tyra as season one hits the midpoint.  She thinks so little (or so much?) of Tyra, that she asks her to coach the cheerleaders squad in the Powder Puff game (which only heats up the intensity of the Tyra / Lyla rivalry that is arguably "Lights" most underrated subplot).  And yet, as we hit the home stretch, Mrs. Coach is the only person who seems to believe in Tyra's capabilities.  Mrs. Coach is the one, along with Landry, who ... well, we'll get there as this recap goes along.  Intriguing dynamic, and yet another reason why "Lights" is the best TV show to debut in the last ten years.)

1:02: in case you doubt me that Brooke Langton is always gorgeous?  Fellas, she's not wearing make-up in this scene.  No make-up, and she looks like this:


Holy.  Mary.  Mother.  Of.  God.

(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

1:15: the Austin Chamber of Commerce obligatory shot, of Coach headed in to work while traversing the freeways of Austin.  Surprisingly, this works.

1:21: subplots (a) and (b) get visited, as Julie and Mrs. Coach begin a discussion over Coach's decision he has to face: stick around Dillon and coach the Panthers, or pursue his dream, and jump to the college ranks, uprooting the family once again?  I should note, there are only two storylines "Lights" did in the first season I didn't care for -- anything and everything having to do with Ray "Voodoo" Tatum, and "is Coach staying or going".  Peter Berg (the executive producer) and his writers fixed the Voodoo debacle in a very satisfying way as season one ended.  They botched the "Coach to TMU" storyline so badly, that they were still trying to fix it when "the season that shall not be named" was winding down ten months later, and never did really satisfactorily resolve it, until the closing moments of season three.

1:40: Mrs. Coach: "Honey, I don't know.  I'd say 80/20 (odds on staying or leaving)."  Julie: "80 percent we're staying, or 80 percent (dad) takes the job in Austin?"  Mrs. Coach: "Honey, I don't have time to even think up statistics like that".

And Mrs. Coach never answers the question.

1:55: the last 35 some odd seconds have been nothing more than a mother / daughter chat about what job dad is going to have ... and admit it, it's riveting television.  "Lights" dialogues were so direct, so honest, and sadly, so unique to the genre, that they're noticeable.

2:05: cut to Coach on the drive in, listening to Sammy Meade's sports talk show as picturesque suburban Austin is shown off in the background.  Should also probably note, to anyone who is asking the "wait a second, this is just high school football!  What kind of a community goes this loco for high school football!" question?

Like with everything else, "Lights" nailed reality as it is.  If anything, "Lights" underplayed how huge the sport is in our nation's greatest state.

2:15: cue Coach driving past QB1 Saracen practicing ... with QB1 Street, trying to learn as much as he can, with the semi-finals now a mere two days away.  It's the little things "Lights" does that make it so epically good.  Look at what the first 150 seconds of this episode have showcased: a dude waking up and staring at his lover for a few wordless moments; a mother and daughter talk about ordinary mundane stuff; and Coach driving around town.  And it's working spectacularly well.  God I love this show.

2:27: Saracen's ready to puke from working out so hard ... and Street is ragging him.  "You know, there's a lot of things I could be doing Saracen.  Reading the paper, watching Oprah.  Is there something wrong with Oprah, Saracen?" / "No, I like Oprah".

2:45: "If you don't watch it, you're gonna be eating turf all night.  Do you want that?" / "No, I, I don't want to eat turf."  (In case you can't tell, QB1 Saracen is my favorite character, because he's a total smart ass at times ... and completely oblivious the rest of the time.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Yes, I know who that sounds like!)

2:55: Street's teaching Saracen how to avoid the rush.  (jim nantz voice) It's called "foreshadowing"!

3:07: Coach finally arrives at school.  I wish I had a job where my commute was less than two and a half minutes.

3:16: "Y'all don't mind if I park here, do you?"  I love Coach.  He's the best.  Pure smart assishness.  If assishness is a word.  And on this site, it is!

3:24: "Setting up shop a little early, aren't you?" -- Coach, to a booster running a t-shirt sale that is taking place in his parking spot.

3:26: "Can I interest you in a t-shirt?"
3:27: "No."  Delivered with a "you have got to be blanking kidding me" look of disgust by Coach.  He's the best.
3:28: "How about a picture?"
3:29: (Coach turns away in disgust)

3:30: Buddy!  Proudly showing off his new Garrity Motors advertisement in the stands of Panther Field.

I should probably note -- the Buddy Garrity character is the one that improved the most over season one.  Buddy starts out as an arrogant, aloof booster, whose only concern in life is Dillon Panthers football.  By episode ten, his daughter's been outed as a sleazy cheater who hooked up with Street's best friend (Tim Riggins) while Street was laying paralyzed in a hospital.  By episode fifteen, Ol' Buddy's gettin' it on with Tyra's mother, who he hires as his secretary despite the fact that she doesn't even know how to type.  By episode twenty (this one), Tyra's mom has outed Buddy as a serial cheater (at their church, no less, via an epic meltdown after Sunday services), his wife has kicked him out, his son and daughter (not Lyla, the other one) want nothing to do with him, and Lyla has done hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of damage to his dealership (when she discovered that Tyra's mom wasn't Buddy's first adult relationship with a woman he wasn't married to).

And somehow?  You wind up loving the guy.  Reason 1,375,638,932 why "Lights" is the best TV show to debut since the turn of the century.

3:33: the look on Coach's face says it all:



3:35: "That's spectacular Buddy!"  (adam west voice) Pure.  Smart ass.

(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

3:37: Buddy is genuinely impressed with his new sign.  Hang on, we're coming back to this in about ten minutes.

3:45: Saracen is getting ready for practice, opens up his locker and well, what do we have here?  It's cash!  In an unmarked envelope!  Now what sleazy car salesman would leave a decent amount of $50 bills in the starting quarterback's locker?  (Buddy!)

3:46: in true QB1 fashion, Saracen doesn't know what to do.  When in doubt?  Do what everyone does: go talk to Mrs. Coach!  Or, if she's not available, just talk to Coach.

3:55: "Good morning gentlemen!  Let's get after it!"  Coach is in his element!

4:06: Coach walks into his office, takes one look at Mac (his offensive coordinator) wolfing down a sandwich, feet propped up on a table, watching the upcoming opponent's head coach being interviewed, and deadpans "what the hell is this?"

4:13: Brant head coach: "The Panthers are a fine team.  It's going to be an honor to play with them."
4:14: Coach: "oh, he's full of crap."

4:17: Coach, to Mac: "can I ask you this -- what the hell are you doing?  Is this where you're now living or something?  You're sitting here eating, spilling food all over the place --"
4:18: Mac, to Coach: "well good morning to you too!"

4:22: Coach, to Mac, while looking out the window: "have you looked out here lately?  You'd think we were playing the damned Super Bowl."

4:32: "I'm glad they're excited.  I just wish they cared about winning as much as making a buck."

4:33: enter Buddy Garrity.

4:38: Coach, to Buddy: "hey, that's the most fantastic logo I've ever seen!"  (adam west voice) Pure.  Smart ass.

4:43: "That's an incredible, impressive piece of art".  And Buddy, clueless -- he has no idea that coach is mocking him and his sign.

4:49: Buddy asking Coach for a couple sideline passes.  Not for him -- but for a couple large fleet dealers coming in for the game.

4:55: need a distraction, need a distraction, looking around for Mr. Conway Twitty ...

4:56: enter Matt Saracen.  Coach, grateful for a reason to get out of dealing with Buddy's ticket requests, shoos him off by noting "I gotta speak to my quarterback".

5:21: Coach looking at the envelope of cash, clearly not happy with this development, promising that "I'll take care of this, don't worry about it."  And then ...

5:22: BOOM!  We got us an explosion!  No, really -- the window panes even blew up!

Coach looks around, trying to comprehend how yet another distraction or disturbance has fallen on his preparation for the game, and then asks the obvious.  "What the hell was that?"  Good question Coach.  Better go outside and find out.

5:38: Coach looks at the rising cloud of dark smoke, puts his hands on his waist and ... scene.



Cue the theme.

(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

5:39: I love this theme song, by the way.  I love everything about it -- the images, the sound, the fact that there are no lyrics.  Like the show itself, everything in it is just perfect.

6:23: we come back to Street and his parents fighting over the settlement conference coming up later that day.  (For those of you who never watched the show, a quick background -- Street was the starting QB for the Dillon Panthers, an all-state stud who could write his ticket to any college he wanted.  In the pilot episode, he broke his neck attempting to tackle a defender returning an interception he threw.  Street is now pretty much paralyzed from the waist down, a condition that never improved as the seasons went along.)

6:50: we find out what caused the windows at Dillon High to shatter, and black smoke to rise ominously into the air: a train derailment, that occurred right next to the football field.  Hang on -- this development, a seemingly throw-away detail, is going to give rise to what makes this episode so outstanding, so fantastic.

7:08: the principle, to the stunned students: "I don't wanna give you mixed signals, but we do have some reason for alarm".  No -- a train just derailed and spilled out toxic chemicals that are lingering in the air, but there's no reason whatsoever for alarm.

7:18: principle again: "I have been talking to the police, and I have been informed, that until they get a handle on what's going on out there, that they're going to have to evacuate the school.  Now that means y'all are gonna be able to go on home". Cue wild applause from the student body, who, it should be noted, are literally standing mere feet from a chemical explosion / spill deemed so bad, that they've been told to evacuate the premises.  Educators: dumber than the kids since ... when the hell did President Bush sign No Child Left Behind into law, 2001?  Educators: dumber than the kids since 2001!

7:32: Coach: "Listen up, football players -- we will have practice today."  Damn skippy.  Not even Three Mile Island would prevent a Texas high school football team, from practicing.

7:48: the hug Julie gives QB1 Saracen draws a great "oh sh*t, my daughter's totally banging that guy" look of horror out of Coach ... even though we're still two years away from Saracen and Julie finally hooking up.  So let me say this: reasons one through about fourteen million why I never want children?

Is Julie Taylor.

8:13: the smirk on Saracen's face, coupled with the "you caught me" look on Landry's, totally captures how awesome their relationship is.  And that scene you just watched?  Sets in motion the events that led to "the season we dare not acknowledge exists".

To say nothing of the closing scenes of this episode.

8:20: "Look, I get it.  You don't want to date a nut job".  (vice president biden voice) Folks?  If SHE thinks she's a nut job?  She's most assuredly a nut job!

8:40: oh no.  Oh no.  Of ALL the people for Waverly to randomly wind up next to, to b*tch about her issues with Smash ... she would pick the only girl on this show, who's at least as loony as she is.  Lyla, meet Waverly.  Waverly, Lyla.

And because all crazy chicas manage to find each other, where, pray tell, would you want to see a girl with serious anger management issues (Lyla), and serious mental health issues (Waverly), where would you want to see them wind up, to "take out their frustrations"?

9:16: hell yes, they're shooting guns off in an abandoned ravine area!  Texas: Our Crazy Always Trumps Your Crazy!!!

(and yes, I am fully aware, that Texas is where I went to school, where I never wanted to leave, and where I just interviewed not even eight weeks ago, to move back to.  What can I say -- I feel like I'm in my natural habitat with those folks.)

9:37: Landry randomly reading a sexual self-help book, in the library, as he just happens upon Tyra, NEVER fails to make me laugh.  Only Landry would grab "Our Bodies, Our Selves" to hit on a girl.

10:22: "I really think you need the A-Team on this, and you've got Mr. T standing in front of you.  And the T stands for ... Tyra's Algebra Tudor".  There are not words that can do this scene justice.  Only a picture:


My God, I think it's working!

(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

10:43: I'll say this: when your last four scenes have contained as either the focal point, or the co-focal point, Aimee Teegarden, Minka Kelly, Adrienne Palicki, and Brooke Langton?  You don't need Mr. Conway Twitty as a convenient distraction.

11:21: "I hear those Vikings boys bring the wood!" -- Brooke's co-worker, as she is trying to get Riggins to understand that in a small town, a high school sophomore nailing a bank teller twice his age, is probably not something she wants to get around said small town.

11:55: Saracen can't even grab his helmet back from a kid.  Not a good sign barely 48 hours away from the biggest game of his life.

12:22: "Matt Saracen found $200 in his locker.  Now who else (is Buddy bribing)?  Nobody else?  Nobody?  Not in your locker, not at your home, not at school, nowhere, anytime?  (Continued silence).  Boy that must really piss you off, Smash!" -- Coach Taylor.  He's the best.

12:50: Buddy and her honor, the Mayor of Dillon, have shown up to let Coach know the bad news: his stadium is unplayable due to the accident.  (scooby doo voice) whroot whroo!

13:17: the tour of various other high school facilities in the region begins.  Our first stop?  A high school recommended by the Brant coach.  Coach's brilliant take-down of this sleazy attempt to steal home-field advantage from him: "I already saw the damned Vikings flag in the locker room.  I know you train here, you probably practice here.  Let me ask you, does your brother, does he run the clock up there too?"  He's the best.

14:10: Buddy is ... uuh, not happy, at Coach's decision to pass on whatever school's stadium they were at.

14:23: Coach: "You know, why don't you just go on out to Herrmann Field and call it the Garrity Bowl."
14:24: Buddy (completely serious): "Are naming rights available?"
14:25: Coach:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

14:38: Coach: "my players have been receiving gifts.  Cash gifts.  You know anything about that, (heavy sarcasm and disgust voice) Buddy?"  Coach.  He's the best.

15:20: Lyla, to Smash: "you'd better be careful -- she's a good shot!"  Let's just say, Smash is about as excited at the prospect of a crazy bi-polar Texan handling a rifle, as I am.  Meaning "aw HELL no!"

15:42: Smash, to Lyla: "she's bi-polar, and she hasn't been taking her meds.  And that means ... well, I don't know what the hell that means.  But she damned sure shouldn't be shooting guns!"  (leroy jethro gibbs voice) Gee, ya think?

16:02: Coach: "That's not answering the question".  And pan to a lovely scene of Buddy peeing on the side of the road.  Well, he is technically answering a question -- number one or number two ...

16:16: Buddy: "I think we should be focusing on where we're gonna play the football game.  Do you have any idea where we're gonna play the damned football game?  You got a Plan B here for me?"

16:20: He has an idea:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

16:22: the laugh.  Coach's knowing "oh this is gonna be sweet!" laugh.  He's the best.

16:24: Buddy does NOT look happy.

17:35: Tyra: "Uum, if you're not doing anything on Friday, maybe we could --"
17:36: Landry: "Yes".
17:37: Tyra: "-- get together and study".

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: there is NOTHING good about being premature, in anything in life.

17:54: Coach arrives home, and he's ready to sell his idea to Mrs. Coach.  As he walks into the main room, Mrs. Coach is watching TV and it's on a commercial for Buddy Garrity's dealership.  Coach: "you need to turn that thing off right.  now."  And ... scene.  He's the best.

19:30: the scene quoted verbatim to open this post, concludes:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

19:40: Coach takes the team to a hardware store.  He's building his Field of Dreams.  In the words of Teri Hatcher's character on "Seinfeld": "it's real, and it's spectacular".

20:15: Coach and Street's first conversation since the lawsuit was filed.

21:01: Saracen is so nervous, he can't even pick up a rake.  Not a good sign.

21:12: the Lyla / Street showdown we've waited twenty episodes to witness, is about to go down.

21:58: Street FINALLY blows up at her.

22:39: Uuh, I'd say the engagement's off.

23:18: Buddy makes damned certain Coach knows that he's aware of TMU's offer.  Also, this might be the only time, save for the final season, when Buddy uses his pair ... and is right.  This was a horrible idea.  Which is probably why I love it so much.

23:26: Saracen giving Landry crap while he's in the barber shop prepping for his "date" with Tyra.  So me and "The Voice of Reason", or me and Jasson, or me and The Champ, back in the day.  (And you were Landry, right -- the one who finally scores an opportunity after striking out for ages?)  Hell yes I was.  (everyone voice) Was?!?!?!

23:57: Landry: "oh, that's really cute.  I'm really laughing on the inside", as he's struggling to not laugh on the outside at Saracen's mocking him.  This scene is just phenomenal.

24:20: central Texas' two wackiest broads are together again, this time in a car.  And Lyla lets it out, that she and Smash have talked.  This isn't going to end well.

24:55: cue Waverly's mental breakdown in front of the Tasty Freeze.  Good Lord, Smash.  Run.  To quote Frasier Crane from the "Cheers" finale: "Run (Smash)!  Run!  Run like the wind!"

24:59: boyfriend and girlfriend ... or pimp and prostitute?  You make the call:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

25:50: I'd say this relationship just reached done-zo status too.  Again, Smash -- run!  Run like the wind!

26:14: our first look at the Riggins brothers in tonight's episode!  Always a good time with those two.

26:20: Billy to Tim: "I might not have a PhD in stupid like you do, but I'm gonna tell you right now, this is gonna turn out badly".  Yeah, because 16 year olds hooking up with single mom's in their 30s ALWAYS ends well.

Especially when your brother is nailing the same single mom in her 30s, that you are, Timmy.

26:30: the seeds for Coach's departure (twice!) as the series went along?  Are sewn in our next scene, the conference regarding Street's family's lawsuit against the school district and Coach.  The school district is prepared to throw Coach under the proverbial bus.  Sleazy, guys.  You don't f*ck with Coach Taylor.

26:46: actually, the sleaziest guy in the room, is the Street family attorney, bar none.  Because anytime you can emphasize putting "that boy right there, in his wheelchair, on the stand" multiple times in a single conversation?  You're sleazy.

26:59: Street has had enough.  "Is that all I am here?  Huh?  Just some cripple boy you can wheel out in front of a jury and make some money off me?"  Uuh, yes?

27:05: "You talk about loss earning capacity like I'm some brain dead idiot who's never going to get a job again!"

27:12: "Seriously, mom?  Dad?  I know it's been hard on you guys, but we are not here to win the damned lottery!"

28:02: sleazy school district lawyer: "I think we can live with this".  Damned skippy you can.

28:05: Street's family's attorney, upon seeing his Jim "The Texas Hammer" Adler sized ambulance chasing payoff get whizzed away thanks to the integrity and character of his client:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

Well, with that debacle resolved, time to deal with the proverbial "elephant in the room" -- where the hell is this state semi-final football game gonna get staged?

28:17: the sleazy Brant coach is upset that he isn't gonna get to steal home field advantage.


Coach?  Trust me.  You don't f*ck with Eric Taylor, and live to tell about it.

(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

28:58: Coach: "Well I'm just curious about what your problem is, Brandon".
29:02: Brant Coach: "Well typically?  What goes along with a football game?  Is a football stadium."
29:08: Coach: "Yes sir."
29:09: Brant Coach: "You know, with good goal posts, and something that's not battery operated for a scoreboard!"
29:13: Coach: "Oh, I get it.  You have a problem coming down here without your fancy stadium, and your high tech gear, because you're going to get your keysters beat.  What I'm saying is?  It's football!  It's a football game!  What you need for a football game is a football field, 22 kids, and a pigskin!

29:54: Coach gets what he wants:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

30:30: announcer: "Good evening football fans, and welcome to the most talked about game in the state of Texas!  We are playing this game in a cow pasture for lease!  Not since the days of the leather helmet have we seen this here in Dillon!"

Damned skippy.

31:05: the lights work.

31:06: the bad guys:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

31:08: our heroes:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

A field, 22 guys, and a pigskin.  (president george w. bush voice) Mission Accomplished!

31:12: Dillon calls tails, wins the toss, opts to receive.

31:14: those sneaky Brant bastards!  Pulling the onside kick to open the game!

31:28: 6-0 Brant.

31:36: if looks could kill?  Coach Taylor just killed Brant's coach.

31:43: those sneaky Brant bastards!  Going for two on the first PAT attempt!

31:46: 8-0 Brant.

31:55: it's ok -- I want to b*tch slap him too:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

31:58: it starts raining.

32:05: Landry's car won't start.

32:17: Landry begins to attempt to figure out what's wrong with said car ... in a driving rainstorm.

32:21: Landry, to God: "Thank you!"  Sorry, forgot to add the "pure sarcasm voice" for that one.

32:26: Tyra arrives at the Tasty Freeze, as it's really beginning to rain.  This folks, is not setting up to end well.

32:34: Tasty Freeze customer: "Why aren't you at the game?"
32:36: Tyra: "I got an algebra exam next week."

32:45: gratuitous "Minka Kelly soaked by rain" Snag-It shot.  You're welcome:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

32:50: still 8-0 Brant, 3:52 to play in the first half.

32:52: here's how wet the field is: Riggins takes the handoff on 2nd and 14, loses it while going down, and it literally slides across the entire damned field, finally landing out of bounds.  The ball hydroplaned.  That's sweet.

33:08: approaching halftime:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

33:14: Saracen audibles.  Note: these rarely end well.

33:24: interception, Brant.

33:33: ladies and gentlemen, Coach is pissed.

33:41: Saracen's support?  The man he replaced, Jason Street.

34:10: Riggins converts a fourth and one right before the half.  You can feel it coming ...

34:13: "We have got ourselves a Mud Bowl here folks, and this crowd is loving it, and so am I!"  A-blanking-men.

34:23: Saracen.  Smash.  Touchdown.  On a beautiful, absolutely gorgeous play-fake screen to the back coming over the middle.  For those of you who argue "that's ridiculous; that play would never work", uuh guys?  That's the exact play the Chiefs ran against the raiders in 2005 -- Trent Green play fake, check down to Larry Johnson, who took it from midfield to the one with 0:03 left.

LJ scored on the next play to win the game, 27-23.

"Lights'" realism at times is (properly) called into question.  This time, they stole an actual play every Chiefs fan can recall instantaneously.

34:54: they're going for two.  A move I completely agree with.  You ALWAYS try to tie if the opportunity exists.

35:04: Smash.  End zone.  Tied at 8 reaching the half.

35:09: shady officials asking for the head coaches.  No.  This numb nuts cannot cancel this game.  No.  No.  No!!!!!!!

35:19: the announcer: "this field is a home field by the truest sense of the word.  It was hand built by Coach Taylor and these players, so that these Dillon fans and this town could enjoy one last home game."  Let's just say, Sammy Meade wants to keep playing.

35:29: QB1 Saracen: "Coach!  Coach!  We WANT to PLAY!"

35:32: sleazy Brant linebacker: "Yeah!  We want to play too!"

35:37: head official: "ok.  You guys wanna play, we'll play".  Well of course!  If you didn't cancel a game with (literal) riot like conditions four episodes ago to open the playoffs, you sure as all hell aren't gonna let a little monsoon wipe out a contest!

35:49: your field conditions at halftime:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

35:51: back to the Tasty Freeze, where Tyra is still waiting on Landry to show up.

35:54: and she is pissed.

35:58: Tyra decides to give up waiting on Landry.

36:06: "Drive safe out there; it's pouring".  (jim nantz voice) It's called foreshadowing.

36:21: tied at 8, with over 8 minutes to play, in a freaking monsoon, Brant's head coach opts to try a 40 yard field goal.  (Pause).  Even Norval Eugene Turner is shaking his head in incredulity at this brain fart.  I mean, clearly -- clearly! -- eschewing a 4th and short to try a 40 yard field goal in the remnants of a hurricane, is a BRILLIANT idea.

36:23: "ooh!  He goes down!"


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

36:30: Tyra sprinting for the truck, and "friendly dude from Tasty Freeze" is so friendly, so kind, so caring and understanding, that he's out in the rain, returning a notebook she left behind.

36:35: oh no.

36:36: oh no.

36:37: oh no!

36:38-37:01: oh HELL no!

37:11: "this is our dirt!"  Well, technically, you leased it ... but we'll go with it.

37:16: (blood beginning to boil ...)

37:25: HELL YES!  I'm telling you, that's literally what I yelled out the first time I saw this episode (the night it premiered), as Tyra stabs her would-be rapist in the eye with the car's cigarette lighter.

37:26-37:42: Tyra beating the crap out of this guy, is one of the greatest moments in television history.  You go girl!

37:43: Street.  Saracen.  Season on the line.

37:48: tied at 8's, :35, :34, :33 remaining ...

37:54: Smash ...

38:06: ... idiotically fails to get out of bounds.

38:10: Landry finally arrives for his date.  Tyra is disheveled, attempting to grab her stuff from the parking lot, in a freaking monsoon.

38:27: for one brief moment, this storyline had potential:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

38:29: 0:19 seconds remain.  Tied at 8.

And the clock is ticking ...

38:48: spike the damned ball!

38:51: oh no.

38:52: oh no.

38:53: oh no!

38:54: (cue every Jets fans voice remembering the Marino fake spike game) OH HELL NO!

38:56: Riggins decapitates a Brant linebacker!  Saracen's still upright and ambulatory!

39:01: Saracen avoids a tackle!  He's at the ten!  He's at the five!

39:03: he's diving!

39:05: TOUCHDOWN DILLON PANTHERS!

39:19: (sammy meade voice) OUR!  DILLON!  PANTHERS!  ARE!  GOING!  TO!  STATE!!!!!

39:20: (cue wild celebration)

OK, let me stop here for a moment.  If it gets a little dusty in the Casa de Stevo here over the next 30, 45 seconds of this episode, I swear -- it's allergies.  It's dust.  I swear to God, I am NOT crying because of the scene about to play out ...

39:43: Smash leading the team in prayer.  The rain has stopped.

39:52: the smirk on Coach's face in the post game handshake with the Brant coach.  Suck it, Brant head coach dude.  Suck it.

40:11: Smash celebrating.  That's not the moment that gets to me.

40:14: Street celebrating.  That's not the moment that gets to me.

40:18: the Riggins brothers celebrating.  That's not the moment that gets to me.

40:21: Julie takes the field.  We're close.  We're damned close.

40:24: Julie tackles Saracen.  (Pause).  It's damned dusty in here, now that you mention it.

40:26: who let all this damned ragweed in the room?  I mean really, it's like a freaking grass clipping factory in here, my eyes are so watery:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

40:27: "I'll always love you, no matter what happens".  Good God, can you please remove that bee factory, the pollen count is killing me here!

40:29: I'm not kidding -- who dropped me square in the middle of a dairy farm?  I am hurting right now to avoid tearing up from every allergy I have:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

40:32: when QB1 rolls her over into the mud, man.  Man oh man oh man, what I wouldn't give to love someone like that.

40:43: I like cocky Smash Williams.

40:58: the awkward moment when the age-inappropriate fling you're having's son asks you if you're staying over tonight in front of his mom.  Tim Riggins everyone!

41:08: Tyra.  Landry.  The Tasty Freeze.  The aftermath.

41:15: Landry gets up, doesn't say a word, just grabs a chair and pulls up next to her.

41:23: this:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

41:24: cue the tears.

41:40: cue the friendship:


(image credit: NBC Universal Studios, (c) 2007).

41:42: cue every fan at the game enjoying the Mud Bowl.

41:48: Mac, to Coach: "West Cambria won tonight.  Looks like we got Voodoo in the final."
41:53: Coach, to Mac: "Go figure."

42:02: Coach, to Street: "Matt Saracen was a different quarterback tonight.  That was a good job."

42:23: "Did you ever think about coaching?"

And ... episode.

--------------------

I hope you enjoyed this.  Feel free to provide some feedback in the comments, or hit me up on email, Facebook or Twitter.

And if you never caught "Friday Night Lights", please -- schedule 22 hours to watch season one in its entirety.  I have changed "The Voice of Reason"'s mind on something exactly once, and it was on this show, and how great it is ...

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

whoa! a real life update!

"And when I see the sign that points one way?
The lot we used to pass by every day?

Just walk away Renee!
You won't see me follow you back home!
The empty sidewalks on my block are not the same --
You're not to blame.

From deep inside the tears that I'm forced to cry?
From deep inside the pain that I chose to hide?

Just walk away Renee!
You won't see me follow you back home!
Now as the rain beats down upon my weary eyes?
For me it cries ..."

-- "Walk Away Renee" by The Left Banke.

--------------------

Well, this has been an eventful last seven days.  Since one thing I strive for on this site is brutal honesty*, and since I view writing as therapeutic**, I might as well work out my conflicted feelings for you all to read.  Good?  OK.

--------------------

(*: I have not heard one word of feedback from the two people this was aimed at.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  No I didn't expect to hear from them!  They haven't explained a damned thing in 273 days and counting!  Why start now?)

(**: it's write, or (eric church voice) drink a little drink, smoke a little smoke.  (Pause).  (brett kane voice) aw!  sh*t!)

--------------------

Six major game-changing / life-altering / "what the hell?" moments have gone down in my life over the last seven days.  Let's hit 'em in order from "best development" to (peter griffin voice at seeing ernie the giant fighting chicken) "OH CRAP!"

6. My dad made it back from my cousin's graduation.  Normally, mid-May, coming back from the Gulf Coast to KC isn't a ... what?  (Pause).  Oh my God, yes.  Yes, yes, yes!  Ladies and Gentlemen, the Vice President (for how much longer?) of the United States.  Mr. Biden?

(joe biden voice) Folks!  Normally, a ten hour drive from Corpus to KC in the middle of May is NOT a "big f*cking deal"!  A three letter word -- deal!

This week?  It was, because as we are all aware, Oklahoma City is dealing with one of the greatest natural disasters of my lifetime, due to the tornadoes that rolled through that fine urban area on Sunday night and Monday afternoon.

5. My co-worker who is battling cancer, returned to work full time a week ago tomorrow (Thursday).  A wonderful day, right?  Uuh ... hang on, we're getting back to this in a few more paragraphs.

4. My cousin graduated from TAMU-Corpus Christi on Saturday.  With a degree in (I think) marine biology.  So congrats to Zach, who in true Stevo's Family fashion ... wasn't sure this day was gonna happen, as recently as a week ago.

And so, the last of "my" generation of family, has finally entered the real world.  Here's how diverse we all wound up:

* I graduated from TCU, and work as a reinsurance accountant.
* My brother graduated from John Brown, and works as a claims manager for an insurance company.
* My sister-in-law graduated from KSU, and works for the KCK school district as a special ed coordinator.
* My cousin Brooke graduated from Ithica, then with a law degree from Notre Dame, and works for the Justice Department.
* My cousin Jordan ... uuh, is my cousin Jordan.
* My cousin Kristin graduated from FSU, and works for the Center for Disease Control.
* My cousin Spencer graduated (I think) from FSU, and after a tour in Iraq, is (I think) a fireman in the Orlando area.
* My cousin Brent graduated from KSU, and works as a horticulturalist in Chicago.
* My cousin Brad graduated from KU, and works for the VA as an auditor.
* My cousin Brian ... uuh, is my cousin Brian.  And now
* My cousin Zach graduated from TAMU-CC, and will go into some veterinary field.

Diversity!

3. My "special little guy" graduates preschool!  No, really -- he even had the cap and gown and everything.  I posted the pic of the A-man in his green graduate costume with his sisters on Facebook.  That kid holds the key to my heart, let me tell you.  I love my "special little girls" ... but just between you and me?  Ayden's my favorite.  That kid is gonna change the world someday.  So proud of him.

2. My lazy as (rhymes with "buck") co-worker in Seattle got schooled on our conference call today.

I had a 3pm net meeting to go over changes to our account reconciliation process that kick in for the 2nd Quarter 2013 reconciliations.  Our Blackline person in Chicago (Sandy) is a really nice lady.  I like her.  She's like me: she'll tolerate bullsh*t for awhile, but eventually, she reaches her breaking point, and just destroys you with your own words and actions*.

(*: it's only going to keep getting worse, champ y chica.  Once I set out to destroy someone(s)?  They get destroyed.  See Christiansen, Christensen, Josh (Jesus, you would think I'd remember someone I hated that much's proper spelling); and Gaverth, Leif.)

If you know me well, or at least work with me, you know there is one co-worker of mine based in Seattle, that I thoroughly despise.  Literally the entire department knows when I get any kind of correspondence from him, because (and he usually uses our IM system to get my attention) I will immediately drop one of the following three phrases, loudly enough to be heard half a city block away:

a. Jesus f*cking Christ!  NOT TODAY!
b. God f*cking dammit!  NOT TODAY!
c. (for phone calls) oh HELL no!

Always good for a laugh from everyone, other than me.

So, the meeting starts a little after 3pm today, and Sandy starts putting up examples of how NOT to do an account reconciliation.  (I was listening on the phone; following along online to the PowerPoint slides as they go by).  And after the third "don't do this" example goes by, I notice something.

Every "don't do this!  No, really -- don't do this!" example Sandy is using in the PowerPoint, is an account this guy reconciles.

My boss sits next to me, and he didn't dial in for the meeting due to other issues (we'll get there when we get to number one).  Because we're both lazy, he SameTimes me with a "how's the meeting going, anything I'm missing that I need to know?"

And I respond with:

"Care to guess who reconciles the accounts in the first five examples Sandy's shown, of how not to reconcile an account?"

BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN.  My boss could not stop laughing.  I just wish Penny hadn't left already for our company's golf league match today, because (as my co-worker, good friend, and bowling league teammate) she knows how much I hate this guy, and she would have been laughing right along with us.

For the record?  Sandy put up 12 "don't do this!" examples.  11 of them, were accounts Wayne reconciles, including his "reconciliation" that currently has us scrambling to avoid failing our annual audit, because he's too f*cking stupid to see that an account with an (on average) $60,000 balance ... has ballooned to $6,800,000 in less than a year.  He attributed it to "variance / timing issues" ... and provided no support.  In reality, our system was booking everything as a debit, instead of balancing debits and credits.  Something so obvious, my boss and I figured it out within about 22 seconds of looking at the account when PwC brought it to our attention.  (spanish bumblebee voice) Aye yay yay!  No me gusta!

Then again, this is the guy who (I swear to God, this conversation happened -- Penny can verify it) actually called me back in March, and this was our conversation, as he attempted to figure out a major variance in our unapplied cash account reconciliation for February -- and keep in mind: this guy has a CPA:

(phone) ring!  ring!
(stevo) (sees caller id identification)
(stevo) oh HELL no!
(stevo) (answers phone)
(stevo) yes, Wayne.
(wayne -- in his defense, he stutters ... which just drives me even more bat sh*t crazy) Hello, St-st-steve.  How ar-ar-are you do-do-doing?
(stevo) fine.  What can I do for you.
(wayne) Well, the un-un-unapp-app-lied cash acc-account has a large var-var-variance this month.  It was mu-mu-much higher in Jan-jan-january, than in Feb-february.  I was won-won-wonder-der-ing if you knew why?
(stevo) (looks at phone in utter disgust)
(wayne) And th-th-this year, February is lo-lo-lower than last year.  Do-do-do you know why?
(stevo) (looks at phone with complete contempt)
(stevo) Wayne?
(wayne) yes?
(stevo) How many days are in February?
(wayne) 28.
(stevo) How many days are in January?
(wayne) 31.
(stevo) That's your answer.
(wayne) Wh-wh-what is?
(stevo) (literally screaming this) Jesus f*cking Christ!  Are you really this stupid?  Wayne, February has three fewer days than January to begin with!  So that's three fewer days with deposits coming in!  Four if you count the damned holiday for President's Day, five when you realize last year was a godd*mned leap year!
(wayne) oh.
(stevo) (furious voice) Anything else?
(wayne) (scared sh*tless at my rare outburst of anger) No.
(stevo) Goodbye!  (slams phone down).  Un f*cking believable!
(my boss) Let me guess -- Wayne?

Oh, and one thing I forgot -- after today's webinar conference ...

(my boss) Go figure -- they kept him.
(me) (could not stop laughing)
(my boss) (could not stop laughing)

Gallows humor folks.  Gallows humor, because ...

1. All of my accounting co-workers were "downsized", a week ago tomorrow, effective July 15th.

Yeah, this is the class, the pure, unchecked class, of "company Stevo works for" -- they waited until the EXACT DAY my co-worker fighting cancer, came back full-time, to do this.

Last Thursday started out as a great day.  The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, even my allergies (and this is a miracle) didn't flare up as soon as I got to work.  (The walk in from the parking lot, you have to pass beneath nothing but cherry blossom and bradford pear trees.  It's misery for me.)

At right around 11am, I got a phone call from my ultimate boss, from one of our conference room phones, asking if I had 10-15 minutes to come up and talk.  Here's how blindsided by this I was (to say nothing of my boss and co-worker): I didn't put two and two together, at all ... even though both times I have been "downsized" in my professional career?

That is EXACTLY how it happened -- a last second request to meet the main boss in a conference room (at Transamerica), or a last second request to drive 13 hours back from Rapid City, South Dakota, to meet the main boss at a hotel by KCI (Rubbermaid).  At least TA I knew was coming -- and I wasn't the least bit upset by it.  (And to my boss' credit at that job, she didn't try to screw me over.)

But the Rubbermaid layoff, I never saw coming.

Ditto this.

Good grief, I am stupid.

Again:

Phone call from department head, in town unexpectedly from Seattle?  Check.
Unexpected request to meet in a conference room?  Check.
Again -- phone call from department head, in unexpectedly from Seattle?
Again -- request to meet in a conference room?

In the words of Swoozie Kurtz' character in "Great Expectations": "Christ!  How could you be so stupid!"

I passed by my boss on the way to the elevators, and he had this dazed and confused look to him.  I still didn't put two and two together.  All he said to me was "I'll see you tomorrow".  I didn't see Carol (my co-worker battling cancer) with him, so my thought was "ok, Carol wasn't up to a full day, and he's taking her home or to the emergency room or something".

I head up to the conference room, and my ultimate boss (at least until July 15th) Leeann is there.  We shake hands, I sit down ... and this is what she said next:

"Steve, I had to make a very difficult decision today ..."

And at that point, I had completely panicked.  I've been in two of these "meetings" in my life, and neither ended well for me.

" ... and I decided to let (my boss, who is named Steve as well) and Carol go.  I feel the accounting department would work best, centered in Seattle.  I want you to stay on to handle the reinsurance from here ..."

I would be lying if I told you I remembered anything after that, other than I clearly didn't screw up too bad, because I still have a job a week later.

I walked out of the conference room, headed down to the first floor, and out the door, to wander the (not even remotely) dangerous sidewalks of south Overland Park for the next 90 minutes.  To anyone reading this who works in the College and Metcalf vicinity, and you saw some guy just talking out loud for 90 minutes last Thursday as he walked the various streets, alleys, and parking lots between College, Metcalf, Lamar, and 119th?

I'm not (certifiably) crazy.  (Yet.)  Just stunned.

I didn't even get lunch; I just walked around in a dazed and confused state of existence.  (Pause).  Yes, I know I go through life dazed and confused!  What the hell's your point?

I headed back up to my floor about 12:45pm, and Carol and Steve had already left for the day.  I didn't even get two seconds to sit back down, before my buddy Joe (who saw me ... dazed and confused ... walking towards my desk) headed over to find out what had happened.  (Apparently -- and I wasn't there to hear it, so I'm going on second hand reports, but apparently our various managers gathered their employees about 11:15, 11:20, to let them know what happened ... and my (soon to be ... for a third time!) boss, broke down when she delivered the news, as she's also fighting (and thank God above -- beating) cancer at this point), to let everyone know what had happened.

Also, major shout-out to Penny, for the unasked for, yet happily received, Route 44 Strawberry Limeaid she bought for me, to cope with the news of the day.  And to my co-worker Ute, who was as "what the f*ck just happened here?!?!?!" stunned as me, and has had accounting's back every step of the way the last five, six months, as we've been short-staffed and ridiculously overworked, due to factors beyond our control.

--------------------

If you'd told me seven days ago that I'd be the only person in accounting left standing?  I'd have laughed you out of the room.  I've braced for a layoff for nearly a year ... and I wouldn't have been upset by it.  My boss has four kids -- two in college -- and needs a salary.  Hell, here's how deep my connection to him is: my mom taught three of his four kids.  And here's how great, how amazing, of a boss he is: he HATED my mom, and vice versa ... and not only didn't let it affect his opinions of me -- he hired me off the street after Transamerica let me go (george harrison voice) all those years ago, knowing full well who I was.

Fair and balanced?  FOX News is not.  Fair and balanced?  My boss is.  And I am going to miss working for him tremendously.

My co-worker is not only in a fight for her life, she has a disabled husband she's caring for.  I absolutely expected, if layoffs came, to be the "sacrificial lamb" of my area of the department, and I not only wouldn't have been upset, I'd have been fine with it.

This should have been me.  In a fair, just world?  It would have been me.  Instead, the person that is the "most easily hireable", the "one with the least to lose by this"?

Is the last one left standing.

To quote my favorite swear phrase, unedited:

God.  Fucking.  Dammit!

--------------------

For all of my issues with him (and I'm guessing our friendship is permanently done-zo at this point), Dusty is absolutely right about one thing: life is bigger than your desires.  You shouldn't just be able to take whatever you want from life.  You shouldn't be allowed to f*ck over others, to get what you want.  We ALL matter.

(Which, of course, begs the obvious question: Dusty said that?!?!?!  Really?!?!?!?!)

Yeah, he did.  On multiple occasions.

And for the first time in ... hang on, carry the two ... 273 days?

He's actually right*.

--------------------

(*: that concession in no way, shape, or form, is a cease-fire in our hostilities.  You started this fight; I'm winning this war, Champ.  You're Beauregard after Fort Sumter and First Manasses at this point; I'm Grant marching down the Rappahanock to seize Richmond and Petersburg.  I may lose every battle ... but I'm winning this f*cking war.)

--------------------

To close:

I'm disgusted I work for a company, that can kick one of the finest, most selfless people I've ever met, to the curb as she's in the fight for (literally) her life.

And I'm disgusted with myself ... that I'm not disgusted, with being the last one standing.

That's my week in review.  Good luck topping it, on the misery index ...

Monday, May 20, 2013

my favorite tv theme song of all time? glad you asked ...


"Man I love how Redman tastes.
And damn, I love my NASCAR race.
And any song sung by George Strait?
Is country at its best.

And yes, I love a good cold beer,
And mustard on my fries.
I love a good loud honky tonk --
It rocks on Friday nights.

And hell yes I love my truck!
But I want you to know,
That honey?
I love your love the most ..."

-- "Love Your Love the Most" by Eric Church.

--------------------

I figured for the first post of the week, that I'd lighten up the mood a little bit. 

The three previous posts have not exactly been "happy", "uplifting", "positive", "funny", or even "entertaining".  So I figured I'd finally finish a post I started back in March, and let's see where this leads to.

I give you ... the TV Theme Song Tournament!!!  (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The format is simple: I'm taking 68 TV show theme songs, and facing them off, to determine which of these 68 is my favorite of all time.  The only rule(s) applied to this (hootie johnson voice) toonumunt, is that (1) I had to have watched at least one full episode of the show, and (2) for sitcoms, the year the pilot episode aired, is the regional it is eligible for.  (For example, "Benson" debuted in the late 1970s, even though most of its episodes aired in the 1980s.  Therefore, if "Benson" qualifies for the field, they are eligible for the "Other Decades Sitcoms" regional, not the "1980s Sitcoms" regional.)  

Got it?  Good.

With that benchmark established, let's get to the logistics.

I divided the theme songs into four regionals:

* 1980s sitcoms (number one overall)
* Other decades sitcoms (number two overall)
* Dramas (number three overall)
* Game Shows (number four overall)

With the regionals established, it's time to work the S-curve, and seed this sucker.  By random draw, the First Four Seeds will come from the Dramas Regional, and the Other Decades Sitcoms Regional, meaning three of the "First Four" matchups, have a true "Cinderella" entering the Regional -- a true "bid thief".  Because I am sneaky good like that. 

Here, peoples and peepettes, is your Television Theme Song Tournament S-Curve (and remember -- it's not the quality of the SHOW we're deciding here, it's the quality of the show's THEME SONG):

One Seeds: "Cheers" (#1 overall seed), "Good Times" (#2 overall seed), "Hill Street Blues" (#3 overall seed), "Jeopardy" (#4 overall seed).
Two Seeds: "The Price Is Right" (#5), "LA Law" (#6), "Friends" (#7), "Growing Pains (#8).
Three Seeds: "Family Ties" (#9), "Sanford and Son" (#10), "Dallas" (#11), "The Match Game" (#12).
Four Seeds: "Wheel Of Fortune" (#13), "The Sopranos" (#14), "Family Guy" (#15), "The Golden Girls" (#16).
Five Seeds: "Saved By The Bell" (#17), "The Muppet Show" (#18), "Hunter (Final Season)" (#19), "Press Your Luck" (#20).
Six Seeds: "Family Feud" (#21), "Twin Peaks" (#22), "Benson" (#23), "Married With Children" (#24).
Seven Seeds: "ALF" (#25), "Laverne and Shirley" (#26), "The A-Team" (#27), "Super Password" (#28).
Eight Seeds: "High Rollers" (#29), "Friday Night Lights" (#30), "One Day At A Time" (#31), "The Wonder Years" (#32).
Nine Seeds: "Night Court" (#33), "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" (#34), "Mission: Impossible" (#35), "The Mole" (#36).
Ten Seeds: "Let's Make a Deal" (#37), "The Love Boat" (#38), "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" (#39), "Doogie Howser M.D." (#40).
Eleven Seeds: "The Hogan Family" (#41), "MASH" (#42), "Swingtown" (#43), "Survivor" (#44)
Twelve Seeds: "Big Brother" (#45), "The Greatest American Hero" (#46), "The Norm Show" (#47), "Family Matters" (#48).
Thirteen Seeds: "The Simpsons" (#49), "Diff'rent Strokes" (#50), "NYPD Blue" (#51), "Love Connection" (#52).
Fourteen Seeds: "The Newlywed Game" (#53),  "Law and Order" (#54), "The Facts of Life" (#55), "Webster" (#56).
Fifteen Seeds: "Kate and Allie" (#57), "Roseanne (Final Season)" (#58), "The West Wing" (#59), "To Tell The Truth" (#60).
Sixteen Seeds: "Tic Tac Dough" (#61), "The Fall Guy" (#62), "Better With You" (#63), "Empty Nest" (#64).
First Four Seeds: "My So Called Life" (#65), "All In The Family" (#66), "Boy Meets World" (#67), "Simon and Simon" (#68).

My God, that field is loaded -- LOADED! -- with quality! 

Here's your bracket:



Here we go ...

* The First Four Round.

16 "My So Called Life" over 16 "Empty Nest".  "Life" gets the edge because (a) I like it better, and (b) I refuse -- and I mean refuse! -- to bring David Leisure (as wacky neighbor Charlie) back into our lives.  You're welcome.

16 "Simon and Simon" over 16 "Tic Tac Dough".  Not a tough choice.  And this won't be the last time we hear from our ol' buddy Wink Martindale in this toonumunt; it's just the first.

16 "All In The Family" over 16 "Better With You".  Another 90-42 cakewalk to open the evening in Dayton.  Having noted that, it's been two years, and I'm still fuming mad at ABC over cancelling "Better With You" after one season.  That's outrageous.  Having to watch Jake Lacy wasted all season on "The Office" was outrageous enough; yanking Casey and Mia out of our lives after only 22 half hour engagements is borderline criminal.

16 "The Fall Guy" over 16 "Boy Meets World".  Come on, this isn't even fair.  "The Fall Guy" is one of the coolest theme songs ever.  Seriously, click the damned Youtube! link and enjoy the next 90 seconds of your life.  You will NOT regret clicking it.  (My way of saying, "The Fall Guy" ain't gonna become the first 16 seed to win in the tournament.)

* The Round of 64.

1980s Sitcom Regional:

“Cheers” over 16 “Simon and Simon”.  In hindsight, “Simon and Simon” is criminitely underseeded.  It’s grouse.  It’s Zues in nature.  They’re the 2006 Bradley Braves, only they aren’t going to the Sweet 16; “Cheers” is just too formidable an opponent.

“The Wonder Years” over 9 “Night Court”.  Setting up a round of 32 matchup that should have TV theme song lovers salivating.

“Saved By The Bell” over 12 “Family Matters”.  Sorry – Screech trumps Urkel.  To say nothing of Zack and Slater trumping Eddie, and Kelly treating Laura like her own personal urinal.  But Carl trumps Mr. Belding.  Always.

“The Golden Girls” over 13 “The Simpsons”.  Did you know that “The Golden Girls” theme song, was actually a minor hit in the 1970s?  I didn’t either until I started this thing.  See – this site is not just for entertainment purposes only!  It’s educational too!

“Family Ties” over 14 “Webster”.  Put it this way – the only 3 seed imaginable that could lose to “Webster”, is Duke University.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh come on!  I can’t do a tournament prediction piece without a few cheap shots at Dook!

“Married With Children” over 11 “The Hogan Family”.  I should pick an upset here, or else the higher seeds are all going to advance … but how can you pick against Frank Sinatra?  Mr. Vice President?  (vice president (for how much longer?) biden voice) Folks!  Frank Sinatra had mob ties!  A three letter word – ties!

Thank you sir.  And may I say, two things, Mr. Vice President.  First, how your life has not been turned into a sitcom named "Sh*t Joe Biden Says", or at least a Twitter account by that handle, I have no idea.  And second, your impending elevation to the throne of the free world, frightens the sh*t out of me.  And that is a three letter word – sh*t!

Also -- seriously, click on that "Hogan Family" link.  How -- and I'm being serious here -- how in the name of God did the gorgeous Jane Mancini date a Hogan kid?  And what is Dylan McCay's dad doing in this craptacular show, starring one of my alma mater's two famous acting alum's?  (Both Sandy Duncan and Rod Roddy graduated from TCU.  KU claims Don Johnson and Kirstie Alley.  (Pause).  Yeah -- I'm damned proud to be a Horny Frog too!)

“ALF” over 10 “Doogie Howser M.D.”  I picked the season three “ALF” theme, because like with most 80s sitcoms, they “jazzed up” the thing as the seasons went along, in some idiotic effort to keep things fresh, hip, lively.  And it didn't work.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh, good point!

Guys and gals?  Let me do this right.  Gregg?  Do you have a couple words you'd like to share, in order to state the obvious?  You do?  Oh, that is bloody fantastic!  OK sir, the floor is yours!

(“the voice of reason” disgusted as holy hell voice) IT’S “ALF!”  

Thank you sir.  Back to the proceedings.

“Growing Pains” over 15 “Kate and Allie”.  And then you have “Growing Pains”, who as their seasons went along, dulled down the theme song, until the final season’s all acapella version.  The 1980s / early 1990s: TV theme song’s finest hour!

Game Show Regional:

“Jeopardy” over 16 “My So Called Life”.  Look it, I hate to spoil the fun here, but “Jeopardy” isn’t going to win this thing.  They’re the Duke of this tournament – give them a top three seed, and they’re crapping the court by the Sweet 16.  But you can argue that no theme song ever has had as much pop-culture influence and re-usage, as “Jeopardy”’s final question music.  Just sayin’.  That should count for something.

“High Rollers” over 9 “The Mole”.  This was a triple overtime, “Wink from midcourt at the buzzer for the win!” exciting.  If, you know, Wink Martindale and Anderson Cooper ever faced off on a court.  Let’s all be thankful we’ll never have to witness that.  Especially if Wink draws short straw and gets “skins” designation.

“Press Your Luck” over 12 “Big Brother”.  Whammy! trumps Chenbot.  I think.  In this bracket, he does, anyway.

“Wheel of Fortune” over 13 “Love Connection”.  And before we continue, I need to refill the shiraz.  I’ll be back in (chuck woolery voice) “two and two”.

“The Match Game” over 14 “The Newlywed Game”.  While I’m stalling for time here, since we haven’t quite reached “two and two” yet, two things:

* why don’t game show hosts use the phallic-style microphone anymore?  It added a lovely touch of sleaze and debauchery.  I miss the phallic-style mic, which as Gene Rayburn (who hosted “The Match Game” and popularized that style of mic) noted, he did precisely because it would remind female viewers of a penis, and it might help him on the social scene.  Oh Gene.  Rest in peace, buddy.  We miss ya.

* I would be failing in my duties as a blogger, if I didn’t note my favorite Bob Eubanks moments – one from “The Newlywed Game***”, one from the closing credits of “Roger and Me”.  And since the latter one has been blocked due to "copyright infringement", I'll just quote Bob Eubanks' epic joke from the closing credits.

"Last week I was out mowing the yard with my shirt off, and my back got stiff.  My wife told me next time, to mow the yard with my pants off."

And that came right on the heels of "why don't Jewish women get AIDS?  They marry assholes, not f*ck them".

Mr. Bob Eubanks everyone!!!  (Pause).  God bless it, how did I not include "Card Sharks" in the Game Show Regional?  Epic brainfart on my part ...

(***: when "in the bathroom sink" isn't even CLOSE to the best "weirdest place you've ever hooked up" response?  Oh sweet merciful Jesus, that's awesome!)

11 “Survivor” over 6 “Family Feud”.  Hey, our first upset!  The reason for this is simple: (a) “Survivor”’s theme is better, and (b) compare the hosts.  Richard Dawson trumps Jeff Probst … but Ray Combs, Steve Harvey, Richard Karn, Peterman from “Seinfeld”, and (oh God) Louie Anderson get pummeled by Probst.  And in Ol’ Lou’s case, he might be into that kind of thing.

“Super Password” over 10 “Let’s Make a Deal”.  I’d argue this is a classic over/under value matchup.  Bert Convy is the most underrated game show host of all time; Monty Hall is the most overrated.  Convy would kick his ass.

Also, did you know that Betty White was married to original “Password” host Allen Ludden until he tragically passed?  That’s why Betty has appeared on every form of “Password” to ever exist.  You’re welcome.

“The Price Is Right” over 15 “To Tell The Truth”.  While I’m reflecting on the great, great panelists who’ve gone on to that panel in the sky, I would be failing miserably if I didn’t mention two of the greatest: Arlene Francis (of "What's My Line" fame) … and the comedic chops of one Soupy Sales.  Rest in peace guys.  Or guy and gal.  And damn, was Arlene Francis a gal.

(In case you cannot tell, my “parental raising in childhood” was basically me being dropped in front of a TV, tuned into USA all day, watching game shows and crappy courtroom dramas.  I miss childhood.)

Other Decade’s Sitcoms Regional:

“Good Times” over 16 “All In The Family”.  Please, God, I beg you -- PLEASE forgive me, for the voice I’m about to use.  (billy “fudge” packer voice) Now see here Jim – look at what the committee did.  They slotted a show about a barely getting by black family in the ghetto, to face off against a white bigot living a comfortable existence in Queens.  These type of matchups don’t just happen by chance!  (jim nantz voice) It’s called rigging the bracket!  (billy “fudge” packer voice) Exactly, Jim.  (cue smug, arrogant prick grin on Packer; “hello friends” creepy child molestor grin on Nantz and … scene).

“Fresh Prince of Bel Air” over 8 “One Day At A Time”.  Come on folks – there’s no way I’m letting the show I declared to be the “Worst Show in Television History” win a matchup.  But I will toss in some trivia – did you know that the travel agency where Ann and Barbara worked the final few seasons of “Time” … was recycled and used as the location for Al Bundy’s shoe store in “Married With Children”?  It’s true.  And again – you’re welcome.

“The Muppet Show” over 12 “The Norm Show”.  In the words of Waldorf and Stadler: “why do we always come here?  I guess we’ll never know.  It’s like a kind of torture, to have to watch the show!”

13 “Diff’rent Strokes” over 4 “Family Guy”.  I’m being serious here folks – of the seven major stars of this show (Conrad Bain, Dixie Carter, Charlotte Rae, Gary Coleman, Dana Plato, Todd Bridges, and Gordon Jump (the bike shop owner turned child molestor), what odds would you have gotten that Charlotte Rae and Todd Bridges would be the last two standing?  The other five, all departed.  All now just a nostalgic look back at what television used to offer.  Like this side boob.  Like that side boob?  Well it shouldn’t, because that’s my side boob.  Good night everyone!

“Sanford and Son” over 14 “The Facts of Life”.  Peoples and peepettes?  Check out these next four matchups, starting with this one.  I guaran-damn-tee you, that you could identify each theme song in fewer than five notes, and you probably know the words to at least five of them.  I’m telling you, this sub regional is LOADED.

“Benson” over 11 “MASH”.  Two songs with no words, just epic, epic music.  I like “Benson” way, way, way too much, to let it lose here, even though “Suicide Is Painless” is probably the far better song.

(Also, another "what are the f*cking odds?!?!" trivia fact -- Missy Gold, who played Governor Gatling's daughter on "Benson"?  Oh hell yes, that's Tracey Gold's older sister!  You know, Carol Seaver, on the "still alive in the 1980s sitcom bracket" "Growing Pains" team?  Again -- you're welcome.)

(Also, I should probably note -- my mom might ... scratch that -- will -- write me out of the, uuh, will, at having her favorite show of all time's theme song go out in round one.  (verne lundquist voice) Wonderful!)

“Laverne and Shirley” over 10 “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”.  Oh.  My.  God.  This might be a better first round matchup than anything the legitimate NCAA tournament gave us this year.  “Laverne” wins for two reasons – they’re from Milwaukee, and they work in a brewery.  Hard to top that.

(And hell yes, if you take the Lakefront Brewery tour, you get to hold that glove, put it on the conveyor belt, and belt this song out loud AND proud!)

15 “Roseanne (Final Season)” over 2 “Friends”.  And now, we have a stunner!  Holy cow!  Is the Other Decades Sitcoms Regional going to be our trainwreck?  “Roseanne” wins the stunner because I love Blues Traveler, and I’m probably the only person alive who didn’t hate the final season … whereas I checked out of “Friends” shortly after the “Fireball” episode in season five.

Dramas Regional:

“Hill Street Blues” over 16 “The Fall Guy”.  How do I put this delicately ... "NYPD Blue" is my favorite show of all time.  "Hill Street Blues", I would argue, is THE most influential show of all time.

"Mission: Impossible" over 8 "Friday Night Lights".  "Lights" theme song is overseeded by five slots; "Impossible" is underseeded by five slots.  Your classic "9 beats the crap out of 8" game.

12 "The Greatest American Hero" over 5 "Hunter (Final Season)".  If you're beating Hunter?  You're a damned solid team.  Or theme song, in this case.

"The Sopranos" over 13 "NYPD Blue".  Yes, "Blue" is my favorite show of all time ... but in the words of (bill walton voice) villiam valton -- it has a TERRIBLE theme song.  In the words of Charles Barkley -- it has a TURRIBLE theme song.  

"Dallas" over 14 "Law and Order".  A Loyola-Marymount in the Hank Gathers / Bo Kimble days 130-62 rout.  

(And since apparently I'm the only person who watches the "Dallas" reboot ... give the theme from the episode this season where JR is buried a listen.  It's so f*cking good ...)

"Twin Peaks" over 11 "Swingtown".  It's been five years, and I'm still fuming mad CBS caved to the idiot religious right, and pulled the plug on the most daring, honest, quality show a non-cable network has picked up since ... uuh ... yeah.  "Swingtown" was thirteen episodes of awesome.  The theme song?  Not so much.

10 "The Love Boat" over 7 "The A-Team".  Total coin flip.  Love them both.

(And I'm guessing, when he reads this "upset", that Jasson will hurl something at the screen he's reading this on, drop a "(blank) you Stevo!", and unfriend me on Facebook, for daring to go against The A-Team.  And dude?  You'd be totally, completely justified, in that response ... I'm having second thoughts myself ... until I saw the 2 seed.  "The A-Team" wouldn't get past the round of 32.  So let them go out quietly, and early.  But damn, I loved that show ...)

"LA Law" over 15 "The West Wing".  Good GOD, where do I begin on "why" "LA Law" wins out -- the music ... or the talent on the cast?  You have one of the Partridge kids (Susan Dey).  Eventual President Santos on "The West Wing", as well as eventual Detective Simone on "NYPD Blue" (Jimmy Smits).  You have Roger Dorn (Corbin Bernsen).  You have the dude who is married to Taylor McBride (Harry Hamlin ... and how I failed to get "Melrose Place" into the field of participants, is something I should be hammered by Clark Kellogg and Seth Davis for, for the next thirteen minutes).  Unreal.  This, to quote my dad's favorite line, "this is an ass kicking of Biblical proportions".  Yes.  Yes it is.

Here's where we stand, entering the Round of 32:


* The Round of 32.

1980s Sitcom Regional:

1 "Cheers" over 8 "The Wonder Years".  Honestly, I like "The Wonder Years" better ... but come on.  This is your typical "eight seed keeps it close to the under four, then the top seed pulls away" Saturday opener for the round of 32.

4 "The Golden Girls" over 5 "Saved By The Bell".  I cannot believe I am about to type this ... Naked Dorothy Spornak trumps Naked Jessie Spano.

6 "Married With Children" over 3 "Family Ties".  There may or may not be hired goons standing behind me, as I type this outcome.  #muchloveforthemafia

2 "Growing Pains" over 7 "ALF".  I ask this with all due respect -- is there ANY matchup imaginable that screams "sh*ttacular 80s sitcom!", than "Growing Pains" vs "ALF"?  No?  Good.

Game Shows Regional:

1 "Jeopardy" over 8 "High Rollers".  I guess Wink crapped out early (rimshot!)

5 "Press Your Luck" over 4 "Wheel of Fortune".  One of those "I can absolutely see either team winning this ... and taking out the one seed on Thursday" matchups I love to see come late March.

3 " The Match Game" over 11 "Survivor".  Fill in the blank.  "Gene Rayburn enjoyed hosting "Match Game" so much, he made Brett Somers and Charles Nelson Reilly promise to (blank) at his funeral".  It's been fourteen years, and I still miss Gene Rayburn.

2 "The Price Is Right" over 7 "Super Password".  A buzzer beater.

Other Decade's Sitcom Regional:

1 "Good Times" over 9 "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air".  Jimmy Walker was Will Smith, before Will Smith knew who he was.  Kid (clap!) Dy-No-Mite! advances!  (everyone voice) You rigged this!  (stevo response voice) Hell yes I did ...

13 "Diff'rent Strokes" over 5 "The Muppet Show".  (everyone voice) Oh come on!  You TOTALLY rigged this!  Have you no shame?  Have you no decency?  (stevo voice) Can you please define the meaning of the words "shame" and/or "decency"?

3 "Sanford and Son" over 6 "Benson".  This one?  Hurt like a mo' fo'.  (Pause).  Yeah, I know -- fair and impartial.  The "Sanford and Son" intro is that damned good, that it has to advance.

7 "Laverne and Shirley" over 15 "Roseanne (Final Season)".  At the risk of throwing race into this (which -- I swear to God, is NOT what I intended), this regional is pretty much gonna be a 70s / early 80s African American sitcom (coach don fambrough voice) showdown, hoedown, throwdown!, is it not?

Dramas Regional:

1 "Hill Street Blues" over 9 "Mission: Impossible".  Surprisingly not even contested.

12 " The Greatest American Hero" over 4 "The Sopranos".  For a couple reasons, namely (a) one is an uplifting, "go for it!" theme, and the other is anything but, and (b) come on -- there isn't a kid my age (I am 36, halfway to 37) who didn't know every damned word to this theme song when they were 7 years old, jumping off the swingset as you reached peak height on the thing.  "Believe it or not?  I'm walking on air!  I never thought I could feel so free-ee-ee!!!"

3 "Dallas" over 6 "Twin Peaks".  Come on, we all know JR Ewing would have kicked Agent Cooper's ass eight ways from Sunday.

2 "LA Law" over 10 "The Love Boat".  Two more reasons why "LA Law" was so damned good -- hell yes, that's (almost) Vice President Leo McGarry in the credits ... and oh hell yes, that's Berta in the credits, for season six!

Here's where we stand, as the opening weekend is done, and we're headed to the Sweet 16:



If you thought getting here was tough?  Now we have to keep going!  There are some LOADED Sweet Sixteen matchups here folks!  And I mean loaded!  So let's get at it ...

* The Sweet 16.

1980s Sitcoms Regional:

1 "Cheers" over 4 "The Golden Girls".  You can accuse me of bias, you can accuse me of rigging the bracket, but good God folks, look at what Gary Portnoy's classic has survived so far: an underrated 90s classic ("My So Called Life"), the only cover of a Beatles song that was better than the original ("The Wonder Years"), and now, the power of cheesecake ("The Golden Girls").  And either NO MAAM or Leonardo DiCaprio await in the 1980s Sitcoms Regional Finals!  There's a reason why this was the top overall regional -- because whoever wins this thing, has EARNED their way to ... wherever the hell this Final Four is being staged at.

And since Stevo's Site Numero Dos rules and regulations require Verne Lundquist and Bill Raftery (with Jay Bilas) to call any and all Final Four games we stage in any event?  We're placing this puppy in Atlantic City.  Or the Barclay's in Brooklyn.  Whatever Bill wants, he gets.  Done and done.

2 "Growing Pains" over 6 "Married With Children".  Any TV theme song good enough for Daughtry to cover?  Is making an Elite 8 appearance.

Game Shows Regional:

5 "Press Your Luck" over 1 "Jeopardy".  Our first one seed to bite the dust! The beauty of this epic, epic, epic run linked next?  He opened with a Whammy!, to throw the producers off his scheme.  Epic.  Absolutely epic.  

Plus, you gotta love how Peter Tamarkin (the host) is panicking as the game progresses ... and Michael Larsen's opponents, turn into his biggest cheerleaders.  

3 "The Match Game" over 2 "The Price Is Right".  Bob Barker never had a classic moment like this.

Other Decade's Sitcoms Regional:

1 "Good Times" over 13 "Diff'rent Strokes".  (Pause).  Is it time?  (Pause).  You think so?  (Pause).  I agree.

There's only one way to break this down ... ladies and gentlemen, we're taking this, to the "Tale of the Tape"!!!

Seven Head-To-Head Comparisons, to determine which craptacular 70s sitcom theme song that I can't get enough of, deserves the right to advance!!!

1. "Very Special Episode" Story Line.

Good Times: Penny gets the crap beat out of her by her mother.
Diff'rent Strokes: Dudley gets liquored up and molested by a bike shop owner.
Winner?  Diff'rent Strokes.  

2. "Horrific" National Catch Phrase.

Good Times: "Dy (clap!) No Mite!"
Diff'rent Strokes: "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
Winner?  Good Times.

3. Spin-Off Relationship.

Good Times: spun off from "Maude" and "All In The Family".
Diff'rent Strokes: spun "The Facts of Life".
Winner?  Push.  We're all winners here.

4. Strong, Opinionated Female Lead Characters.

Good Times: Florida Evans (played by Esther Rolle); Willona Woods (played by Janet DuBois).
Diff'rent Strokes: Edna Garrett (played by Charlotte Rae) and Maggie McKinney (played by Dixie Carter).
Winner?  Push.  We're all winners here.

5. Best Threesome of Siblings.

Good Times: JJ (played by Jimmie Walker), Thelma (played by Bern Nadette Stadis) and Michael (played by Ralph Carter).
Diff'rent Strokes: Arnold (played by Gary Coleman), Willis (played by Todd Bridges) and Kimberly (played by Dana Plato).
Winner?  Good Times.  They were all actually blood related, per the storyline.

6. First Major PSA Push by a Sitcom.

Good Times: STD awareness.
Diff'rent Strokes: DARE awareness.
Winner?  Diff'rent Strokes.  Hey, First Lady trumps penicillin.

So we're tied 2-2-2.  Game seven ...

7. Best Theme Song.

(classic sitcom theme song voice) Ain't we lucky we got 'em?  (na na na na na) Good Times!!!!!

3 "Sanford and Son" over 7 "Laverne and Shirley".  Sets up the best regional final since ... what, Duke / Kentucky in 1992?  This one's gonna be epic folks -- Sanford and Son versus the Evans family!

Dramas Regional:

1 "Hill Street Blues" over 12 "The Greatest American Hero".  And if you thought "Non 1980s Sitcom Regional"'s final was epic, I'm giving you this classic theme song against ...

3 "Dallas" over 2 "LA Law".  In the bastardized words of Kevin Harlan, "oh baby!  What a matchup!"  

Here's where we stand entering the Elite Eight:



* The Elite Eight.

1980s Sitcoms Regional Final:

1 "Cheers" over 2 "Growing Pains".  God bless it, what a matchup!  What a (coach don fambrough voice) showdown, throwdown, hoedown!  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  You think?  OK, ok, fine.

Ladies and Gentlemen ... your second "Tale of the Tape".

1. Lead male character's occupation.

Growing Pains: a psychiatrist.
Cheers: an recovering alcoholic bartender.
Winner: Cheers.

2. Did the lead male character write the show's theme song?

Growing Pains: yes.
Cheers: no.
Winner: Growing Pains.  Mr. Thicke also wrote the theme songs to "Wheel of Fortune", "Diff'rent Strokes", and "The Facts of Life", amongst other shows.

3. Wacky yet lovable character's nickname.

Growing Pains: Boner.
Cheers: Coach.
Winner: (amy poehler voice) Really?  Growing Pains.

4. Unknown actor who became a household name starring in the show's later seasons.

Growing Pains: Leonardo DiCaprio (played Luke Brewer).
Cheers: Woody Harrelson (played Woody Boyd).
Winner: push.  We're all winners here.

5. Female actress who had an eating disorder in real life.

Growing Pains: Tracey Gold (bulimia).
Cheers: Kirstie Alley (obesity).
Winner: push.  We're all losers here.

6. Devoutly religious star who forced the show to scrap storylines that went against his religious beliefs.

Growing Pains: Kirk Cameron.
Cheers: (none).
Winner: Cheers.

7. Best theme song.

(classic sitcom theme song voice) You wanna go where people know, your troubles are all the same!  You wanna go where everybody knows your name!!!

1980s Sitcoms Regional Champion: "Cheers".

Game Shows Regional Final:

3 "The Match Game" over 5 "Press Your Luck".  Sometimes, a matchup this epic -- pitting my two favorite game shows of all time against each other, qualifies as epic -- comes down to one simple question.

Which host voluntarily appeared on "Maury", before they sadly passed on from this life?

Son of a b*tch!  They BOTH appeared!  In the same damned episode!  In that case?  I gotta go with ... the guy who brings out his own phallic-style microphone ... to appear on a talk show, in which the output of a phallic-shaped thing, is routinely used to determine paternity on a nightly basis.

Game Shows Regional Champion: "The Match Game".

Other Decade's Sitcoms Regional Final:

3 "Sanford and Son" over 1 "Good Times".  OK, ok, fine -- can we FINALLY put to rest this ridiculous notion that I'm biased against anyone or anything (other than an organization known as "the denver broncos")?

If I was judging this based on the quality of the show?  "Good Times" wins 100 times out of 100.  But based on the theme song?  

How can you NOT pick "Sanford and Son"?  Has ANY song more perfectly defined an era of our lives, than the theme song to "Sanford and Son"?  I say no.

Other Decade's Sitcoms Regional Winner: "Sanford and Son".

Dramas Regional Final:

1 "Hill Street Blues" over 3 "Dallas".  (fidelity ad guy voice) Why not?

1. Major character's real life death from cancer, that rocked the show's quality to its foundation, in a bad way.

Hill Street Blues: Michael Conrad (who played Sgt. Phil Esterhaus; note I could not find the first rollcall scene after his passing on Youtube!, but it's epically good).
Dallas: Larry Hagman (who played J.R. Ewing; died in the rebooted series' second season).
Winner: push.  We are all losers here.

2. Show changed the face of television in a very good way.

Hill Street Blues: hell yes.
Dallas: hell yes.
Winner: Hill Street Blues.  Gave rise to my favorite show of all time, "NYPD Blue", six years later.

3. Creative-as-hell plot line nobody saw coming.

Hill Street Blues: that the captain of the precinct (played by Daniel Travanti) and the district attorney (played by Barbara Bosson) were married.
Dallas: that an entire season was nothing but a dream.
Winner: Dallas.  Especially since two of the more famous sitcoms of the last thirty years ("Newhart" and "Roseanne") blatantly plagarized this unique idea for their final episode.

4. Hot as hell (virtual) unknown who sprung to stardom through this show.

Hill Street Blues: Veronica Hamel.
Dallas: Victoria Principal.
Winner: Hill Street Blues.  Principal's big break came playing Rosa Amici in "Earthquake" four years before "Dallas" began.

5. Location show occurred in.

Hill Street Blues: never stated, but widely assumed to be inner-city Chicago.
Dallas: the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex.
Winner: Dallas.

6. Instrumental-only theme song everyone recognizes within the first five seconds?

Hill Street Blues: hell yes.
Dallas: hell yes.
Winner: push.  We are all winners here.

7. Best theme song.

Dramas Regional Winner: "Hill Street Blues".

Four shows.  Three matchups.  Two finalists.  One winner.

How things shape up for the Final Four:


Let's do this.

Final Four:

1 "Cheers" over 3 "The Match Game".  Gene Rayburn and company had a fine run, but it had to end sometime, and facing the powerhouse that is Gary Portnoy's epic composition, that sometime is now.

1 "Hill Street Blues" over 3 "Sanford and Son".  Two instrumentals going at it, and honestly, this one could go either way.  I think it speaks tremendously of my parents, that if you take a look at my scrapbook from childhood my mom and dad have, that when I was five, I knew every character's name on both shows.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well I think it speaks tremendously, and it's my site, so screw off!

Television Theme Song Championship:

1 "Hill Street Blues" over 1 "Cheers".  But honestly?  We are all winners here.

Greatest Television Theme Song Ever: "Hill Street Blues".

Hope this was at least semi-entertaining.  And feel free to sound off and disagree in the comments.  Half the fun of this, is that there were a solid eight to ten matchups, where I would make the argument, I picked the wrong winner.  

Below, is the entire field, played out to its' conclusion.  Until next time -- (sgt. phil esterhaus voice) let's be careful out there ...

week twelve picks

The Statisticals. Last Week SU: 8-6-0. Season to Date SU: 98-62-1. Last Week ATS: 7-7-0. Season to Date ATS: 75-80-6. Last Week Upset / ...