"Upside down!
Boy? You turn me
Inside out,
And round and round!
Upside down!
Boy? You turn me
Inside out,
And round and round! ..."
-- "Upside Down" by Diana Ross.
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The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication:
Picking the Chiefs This Season:
Straight Up: 2-1-0.
Against the Spread: 2-1-0.
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I have long held that there is one great, rarely disclosed, yet always true advantage to being a season ticket holder, that is true frankly in any sport, but especially football.
And that is the fact that you not only are paying to see the best your team has to offer ... but you get to see the best the entire sport has to offer, as well.
The reason I argue this hidden advantage most applies to the NFL, is because you're only guaranteed to see every team in person, via your season ticket(s), once every eight years.
It's why the game I'm most hyped about this season isn't the Colts Sunday nighter next week or the Packers Sunday nighter to close October; it's the only non-prime time game (as of now * ) the Chiefs play in October, when Deshaun Watson and the Houston Texans roll into town.
(*: assuming CBS protected Chiefs at Patriots -- and if they didn't, someone should be fired -- this is NBC's best shot to snag another Chiefs game this season, save for Week Seventeen (which doesn't count against the six prime time game limit. (The Chiefs currently have five prime timers, which begin next Sunday against the Colts.)) I'm guessing NBC -- with the NFL's gentle push -- pulls the trigger Tuesday afternoon, if the Bengals beat the Steelers tomorrow, to flex Texans at Chiefs into prime time.)
I cannot wait to see Deshaun Watson in person. Frankly, I haven't been this geeked up to see a newbie enter Arrowhead since probably Cam Newton seven years ago.
Sometimes, you have to wait the full eight years to see them. For example, the earliest we'll see Kyler Murray in a game that counts at Arrowhead is 2026, should he last that long.
But look at who's making their Arrowhead debuts over the next few seasons (and note: I may be higher on some of these dudes than you are, but (a) it's my site, (b) it's my post, and (c) it's my money, so deal with it):
2019: Jacoby Brissett (Colts, Week Five); Deshaun Watson (Texans, Week Six).
2020: Sam Darnold (Jets); Christian McCaffrey (Panthers); Josh Allen (Bills).
2021: Daniel Jones (Giants); Dak Prescott, Ezekiel Elliott (Cowboys); Baker Mayfield (Browns).
2022: Jared Goff, Todd Gurley (Rams).
And note, this list doesn't include the fact that all three divisional rivals will likely be sporting new quarterbacks within the next three years (one of them -- those people -- possibly as soon as Week Fifteen), nor does it take into account potential changes in New England (here in 2020), Pittsburgh (here in 2021), or Miami (here in 2022, likely with Tua at the helm), Jacksonville (here in 2022 -- Minshew? Top 10 pick in next three years?), and Tennessee (here in 2022 -- no way it's still Mariota, right?).
So there's that.
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Then there's the long, painful wait between visits.
For example, we got to see Tom Brady at Arrowhead in 2004 (L 19-27) and 2005 (W 26-16). We didn't see him again until 2014 (W 44-14), nine years later.
We got to see Aaron Rodgers in 2011 (W 19-14). We'll see him again for the first time since 2011 in four weeks.
We got to see Cam Newton in 2012 (W 27-21). We might see him again next year. Ditto Matt Ryan (L 26-40).
Russell Wilson was here in 2014 (W 24-20). He won't be back until 2022 (if we're lucky).
So there's that also.
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Which brings me to the good to great quarterback we have yet to see at Arrowhead, despite being in the NFL for over a decade ... and frankly, probably never will see at Arrowhead, despite a decade of service. And that is today's opponent, Matt Stafford.
Drafted first overall in 2008, the Chiefs first game against him was in Detroit in Week Two, 2011. (Best remembered as the game Jamaal Charles blew out his knee, in a 48-3 loss that dropped the Chiefs to 0-2 in that doomed campaign.) The first time the Chiefs would have hosted Mr. Stafford would have been in 2015. Only that game was played in London (a 45-10 Chiefs win on arguably the greatest sporting day of my lifetime here in Kansas City -- November 1, 2015).
And now, the third matchup flips back to Detroit. Meaning the earliest Matt Stafford would play at Arrowhead as a Lion is 2023.
I hate to be blunt ... but if Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson couldn't handle more than a decade in Detroit, do you really think Matt Stafford is sticking around another four years just to make a trip to Arrowhead?
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(Note: we only got to see Barry Sanders once, in 1990. We never got to see Calvin Johnson. Yet another reason I strongly support expanding the regular season to 18 games -- give the fans what they want, which is (a) more football that counts against (b) opponents we may only get to see once in person.)
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So let me close with this, I suppose, since it's less than three hours from kickoff, I still need to shower, shave, and dress, then head to McFadden's for the game.
Last night, this site's "The Voice of Reason" went in person to Lincoln to witness the Ohio State / Nebraska game, as I settled in on the couch with a few stiff cocktails and cold pizza to watch the game on TV. (Note: funny how fifteen, even twenty years later, some sh*t never changes.) I think -- based on conversations last Sunday, as well as throughout the week -- we were both interested in seeing the two same things. First, just how "back" are the Huskers under Scott Frost, and second, just how good is Adrian Martinez, the Nebraska quarterback?
In the words of the great Mark Rolfing, he's looking for the lie to the first question, but the answer to the second question is "bad".
Adrian Martinez has looked nothing short of a future starting NFL quarterback for over a year. Even in defeat up until now, he hasn't been the cause of said defeat.
Last night? He looked worse than anything KU has trotted out under center since Todd Reesing, and I am fully aware Mr. Reesing hasn't taken a snap since Mark Mangino was (not) fired for eating Obie the Orange.
(God, I miss the old school KU Football t-shirts sometimes ... just like I miss giving a sh*t about KU Football sometimes.)
Enjoy watching Matt Stafford on Sunday, Chiefs fans. This may be the closest we ever see him here in KC ... save for that annual game in Minnesota or Chicago (whichever is closer) we could drive to, but have no reason to. Which truly sucks.
I hope he's still around in 2023. I'm guessing he won't be.
But as fun as it would be to see Mr. Stafford in person?
We get to see the greatest ever at the position, four of the next five weeks, inside the stadium that will someday be named in his honor.
Unlike not seeing Mr. Stafford? Unlike Mr. Martinez' performance last night?
That does NOT suck.
Not in the least.
* Chiefs (-6) 37, at Lions 30.
Sunday, September 29, 2019
Friday, September 27, 2019
the week four non chiefs picks
Last Week SU: 8-8-0.
Season to Date SU: 29-18-1.
Last Week ATS: 6-10-0.
Season to Date ATS: 25-22-1.
Last Week Upset / Week: bango!
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 2-1-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 2-1-0.
This Week Upset / Week: (Pause). I can't decide, so I'll take two! Browns (+6 1/2) over Ravens, and Jaguars (+3) over those people.
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The Non-Chiefs Picks:
Byes: Jets (0-3-0), 49ers (3-0-0). One of these teams should sign Colin Kaepernick and start him next week. And it ain't Colin's former squad. And yes, I'm dead serious about this. Call Mr. Kaepernick on his bluff. He doesn't give a sh*t about getting back into the League. If he did, he wouldn't have taken the multi-million settlement last year.
Give him a chance to start, in the nation's largest media market, for a team talented enough to make its next three games (at Eagles / vs Cowboys / vs Patriots (MNF)) entertaining television. The eyes of the nation would be on him. He could resurrect his career Michael Vick style, and prove his critics to be the dumb f*ck idiots they are. Or he could completely flop, and prove his critics to not be the dumb f*ck idiots they are.
Seriously, what have the Jets got to lose? Their dignity and pride? (Hint: you can't lose what you never had (rimshot!)) More games? (Few teams do that better (rimshot!)) If anything, this might help attendance, and profits, as this (yet another!) lost season unfolds. I'd show up to see what Mr. Kaepernick still has in the tank. Then again, I showed up after the worst 24 hours in Chiefs history at the (old school TV show voice) same bat time, same bat channel, as always, so I'm probably a bad gauge on this.
But seriously, Jets. Sign Colin Kaepernick. Use the bye week to get him to learn Adam Gase's offense (which, granted, can be diagrammed on a couple of cocktail napkins (rimshot!)). Then let him have some fun.
Because God forbid a Jets season actually be, you know, fun.
On to the actual picks ...
* Last night. Already off to a craptacular 0-1 SU / 0-1 ATS start.
* at Texans (-4) 31, Panthers 21. With all due respect, anyone can look decent against the Arizona "Super" Cardinals. Too much Deshaun Watson. And realize this: come 4pm CT Sunday? The Texans will be a 53 yard made field goal away from being 4-0-0. Of course, they're also a (questionably) failed two point conversion and failed fourth and goal away from being 0-3-0 entering this thing.
(My way of saying? Week Six might get flexed. What would you rather have in prime time if you were NBC -- Watson vs Mahomes for the first time ... or a potentially 0-5-0 Steelers team at a potentially 2-3-0 "Super" Chargers squad that nobody -- up to and including their own fans -- gives a sh*t about? Dare a kid dream? FOUR straight Chiefs prime time games? The hope is in play ...)
* Browns (+6 1/2) 31, at Ravens 21. If the Browns lose this one, it might be time to consider a coaching change. And I'm fully aware we're only three games into the Freddie KitchensEra Error. The Chiefs (and "Super" Cardinals) gave you the blueprint on how to beat this allegedly good Ravens team -- throw it deep, and throw it often. Make them play catch-up, because Lamar Jackson isn't good enough to play from more than a score behind. Let alone three, like last week here at Arrowhead.
Also, don't call a draw play on 4th and 9 with the game on the line. Not even I'm that f*cking stupid, and God knows I've made many, many, many a questionable dumb f*ck play call on Madden over the years with my Chadwick Pennington-led Jets. (Cue "The Voice of Reason", "Jasson", "bts", "Deadbeat Ex Roommate", and the artist formerly known as "The Champ", laughing out loud in agreement.)
* at Giants (-3) 26, Redskins 20. This is less an endorsement of "Danny Dimes", than it is a damnation of Case Keenum. Also, if "Danny Dimes" isn't the worst nickname this sign of "Son of Sam" or "The Night Stalker", I have no clue what could be worse. Seriously, "Danny Dimes" is the best the Giants fan base can do? Jesus, the Post should have done better. (And to be fair, probably did.)
* "Super" Chargers 31, at Dolphins (+15) 27. This game will be competitive long into the fourth quarter. Because let's be honest here folks: the only reason my "the "Super" Chargers will finish dead last in the AFC West" pick doesn't look like gold at this point, is because "those people" are so sh*tty, they're winless after three weeks for the first time in two decades. (Pause). What? (Pause). You're damned right that's a trade I'll make every day of the week!
* raiders (+6 1/2) 31, at Colts 30. Total gut feeling. The raiders aren't 1-2 bad; the Colts aren't 2-1 good. Also, as much as I hate the raiders ... seriously NFL? Seven straight weeks away from home? That's indefensible, NFL Schedule Guru. Indefensible.
* Patriots 34, at Bills (+7) 30. In the words of the (not) late but (still) great Hall and Oates: "so close! So close! Yet so far away ..."
* at "Shane" Falcons (-4) 30, Titans 20. Toughest game on the board to make a pick for, at least for me. And since I'm the one making these picks, I think that matters. At least to me.
* at Rams (-9 1/2) 41, Bucs 13. "Good Times" Game O' The Week honors. Spending twenty some odd minutes watching this Season Seven (aka final season) classic? Is a far better use of your time, than watching even two seconds of this guaranteed "red headed stepchild taken to the woodshed" beating.
(Also, I so need to reboot that fond look back ... because a few of those unlooked at twenty seven have been replaced over the last six years. That may be a rainy Saturday project ... (stevo checking tomorrow's forecast) well lookie there! It's a rainy Saturday! (mr. hoduski voice) Stay tuned ...
* at "Super" Cardinals (+6) 24, Seahawks 20. The "Super" Cardinals have one indefensible upset in them this season. This is it.
* at Bears (-2) 28, Vikings 20. What's worse: Kirk Cousins on the road, or Mitchell Trubisky anywhere? I lean Mr. Cousins on the road ... although that's like choosing between being shot in the head, or having your head cut off, as the worser way to die.
To think the Bears traded up to pass on Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs" for this guy! I mean, what the hell, Bears GM? I'd ask what you were drinking, but we all know the answer is "something alcoholic in nature". You traded up and passed on not one, but two generational talents, for Mitchell Trubisky? Because why? Not even I would have done that, and in case you doubt me, here you go.
* Jaguars (+3) 24, at those people 13. We're about one week away from bringing back my favorite section from last season's picks, the "This Week in those people Misery" section. This ... I mean, sweet Jesus, not even I imagined the vic fangio hiring would be this sh*ttacular, this fast. We're three weeks in, and a defense with von miller and bradley chubb has yet to sack a quarterback. A team with decent talent at the offensive skill positions has been ass-raped in oakland, screwed by the refs against the Bears (although to be fair, the Bears dominated that game), and outright sodomized by the Packers.
The those people haven't opened 0-4 since 1999 (the year after they cheated by circumventing the salary cap to win their second Lombardi). As far as I can tell, they have never opened 0-5 or worse. There's a damned decent chance that if they drop this one, they'll be 0-6 entering the showdown at fake mile high in three weeks.
It's a 50/50 coin flip if I make the game there in three weeks at this point; my work schedule is not exactly helping make that trip likely. But if they're 0-6 and we're 6-0? I'll find a way to be there, even if I have to steal daddy's credit card to book a quick flight in and out to make it happen.
The lesson? As always. #neverdenver
* Cowboys (-2 1/2) 34, at Saints 24. If Dak is who my buddy Vineet believes he is, then the Cowboys win this game comfortably. If Dak is who I believe he is, the Saints win this one in a blowout. You can guess whose knowledge, foresight, and wisdom, I am relying on. Hint: it ain't mine.
* Bengals (+4) 3, at Steelers 0. Jesus bleeping Christ, this might be the worst prime-time game on the schedule this season. (stevo looking at said schedule.) Oh my God, we still have to endure a Dolphins at Steelers game on the final Monday in October. Holy hell, it might be 0-7 at 0-7! And look at those number -- zeros and sevens! Holy sh*tballs Batman, we may finally get an actual 007 Slappers mode fight on the field!
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The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
I really wish El Kapitan would return to Twitter Nation, beyond his re-tweeting his defamation of Kansas basketball. His silence is deafening. If not defeating. I miss having the only person on Twitter not named Adam Schiff, dumber than me, positing his dumb ass ideas and opinions online. Because when you have two people between you and the bat sh*t crazy line?
It's much better than only having one.
But in the meantime, can someone figure out what the hell this means:
Season to Date SU: 29-18-1.
Last Week ATS: 6-10-0.
Season to Date ATS: 25-22-1.
Last Week Upset / Week: bango!
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 2-1-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 2-1-0.
This Week Upset / Week: (Pause). I can't decide, so I'll take two! Browns (+6 1/2) over Ravens, and Jaguars (+3) over those people.
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The Non-Chiefs Picks:
Byes: Jets (0-3-0), 49ers (3-0-0). One of these teams should sign Colin Kaepernick and start him next week. And it ain't Colin's former squad. And yes, I'm dead serious about this. Call Mr. Kaepernick on his bluff. He doesn't give a sh*t about getting back into the League. If he did, he wouldn't have taken the multi-million settlement last year.
Give him a chance to start, in the nation's largest media market, for a team talented enough to make its next three games (at Eagles / vs Cowboys / vs Patriots (MNF)) entertaining television. The eyes of the nation would be on him. He could resurrect his career Michael Vick style, and prove his critics to be the dumb f*ck idiots they are. Or he could completely flop, and prove his critics to not be the dumb f*ck idiots they are.
Seriously, what have the Jets got to lose? Their dignity and pride? (Hint: you can't lose what you never had (rimshot!)) More games? (Few teams do that better (rimshot!)) If anything, this might help attendance, and profits, as this (yet another!) lost season unfolds. I'd show up to see what Mr. Kaepernick still has in the tank. Then again, I showed up after the worst 24 hours in Chiefs history at the (old school TV show voice) same bat time, same bat channel, as always, so I'm probably a bad gauge on this.
But seriously, Jets. Sign Colin Kaepernick. Use the bye week to get him to learn Adam Gase's offense (which, granted, can be diagrammed on a couple of cocktail napkins (rimshot!)). Then let him have some fun.
Because God forbid a Jets season actually be, you know, fun.
On to the actual picks ...
* Last night. Already off to a craptacular 0-1 SU / 0-1 ATS start.
* at Texans (-4) 31, Panthers 21. With all due respect, anyone can look decent against the Arizona "Super" Cardinals. Too much Deshaun Watson. And realize this: come 4pm CT Sunday? The Texans will be a 53 yard made field goal away from being 4-0-0. Of course, they're also a (questionably) failed two point conversion and failed fourth and goal away from being 0-3-0 entering this thing.
(My way of saying? Week Six might get flexed. What would you rather have in prime time if you were NBC -- Watson vs Mahomes for the first time ... or a potentially 0-5-0 Steelers team at a potentially 2-3-0 "Super" Chargers squad that nobody -- up to and including their own fans -- gives a sh*t about? Dare a kid dream? FOUR straight Chiefs prime time games? The hope is in play ...)
* Browns (+6 1/2) 31, at Ravens 21. If the Browns lose this one, it might be time to consider a coaching change. And I'm fully aware we're only three games into the Freddie Kitchens
Also, don't call a draw play on 4th and 9 with the game on the line. Not even I'm that f*cking stupid, and God knows I've made many, many, many a questionable dumb f*ck play call on Madden over the years with my Chadwick Pennington-led Jets. (Cue "The Voice of Reason", "Jasson", "bts", "Deadbeat Ex Roommate", and the artist formerly known as "The Champ", laughing out loud in agreement.)
* at Giants (-3) 26, Redskins 20. This is less an endorsement of "Danny Dimes", than it is a damnation of Case Keenum. Also, if "Danny Dimes" isn't the worst nickname this sign of "Son of Sam" or "The Night Stalker", I have no clue what could be worse. Seriously, "Danny Dimes" is the best the Giants fan base can do? Jesus, the Post should have done better. (And to be fair, probably did.)
* "Super" Chargers 31, at Dolphins (+15) 27. This game will be competitive long into the fourth quarter. Because let's be honest here folks: the only reason my "the "Super" Chargers will finish dead last in the AFC West" pick doesn't look like gold at this point, is because "those people" are so sh*tty, they're winless after three weeks for the first time in two decades. (Pause). What? (Pause). You're damned right that's a trade I'll make every day of the week!
* raiders (+6 1/2) 31, at Colts 30. Total gut feeling. The raiders aren't 1-2 bad; the Colts aren't 2-1 good. Also, as much as I hate the raiders ... seriously NFL? Seven straight weeks away from home? That's indefensible, NFL Schedule Guru. Indefensible.
* Patriots 34, at Bills (+7) 30. In the words of the (not) late but (still) great Hall and Oates: "so close! So close! Yet so far away ..."
* at "Shane" Falcons (-4) 30, Titans 20. Toughest game on the board to make a pick for, at least for me. And since I'm the one making these picks, I think that matters. At least to me.
* at Rams (-9 1/2) 41, Bucs 13. "Good Times" Game O' The Week honors. Spending twenty some odd minutes watching this Season Seven (aka final season) classic? Is a far better use of your time, than watching even two seconds of this guaranteed "red headed stepchild taken to the woodshed" beating.
(Also, I so need to reboot that fond look back ... because a few of those unlooked at twenty seven have been replaced over the last six years. That may be a rainy Saturday project ... (stevo checking tomorrow's forecast) well lookie there! It's a rainy Saturday! (mr. hoduski voice) Stay tuned ...
* at "Super" Cardinals (+6) 24, Seahawks 20. The "Super" Cardinals have one indefensible upset in them this season. This is it.
* at Bears (-2) 28, Vikings 20. What's worse: Kirk Cousins on the road, or Mitchell Trubisky anywhere? I lean Mr. Cousins on the road ... although that's like choosing between being shot in the head, or having your head cut off, as the worser way to die.
To think the Bears traded up to pass on Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs" for this guy! I mean, what the hell, Bears GM? I'd ask what you were drinking, but we all know the answer is "something alcoholic in nature". You traded up and passed on not one, but two generational talents, for Mitchell Trubisky? Because why? Not even I would have done that, and in case you doubt me, here you go.
* Jaguars (+3) 24, at those people 13. We're about one week away from bringing back my favorite section from last season's picks, the "This Week in those people Misery" section. This ... I mean, sweet Jesus, not even I imagined the vic fangio hiring would be this sh*ttacular, this fast. We're three weeks in, and a defense with von miller and bradley chubb has yet to sack a quarterback. A team with decent talent at the offensive skill positions has been ass-raped in oakland, screwed by the refs against the Bears (although to be fair, the Bears dominated that game), and outright sodomized by the Packers.
The those people haven't opened 0-4 since 1999 (the year after they cheated by circumventing the salary cap to win their second Lombardi). As far as I can tell, they have never opened 0-5 or worse. There's a damned decent chance that if they drop this one, they'll be 0-6 entering the showdown at fake mile high in three weeks.
It's a 50/50 coin flip if I make the game there in three weeks at this point; my work schedule is not exactly helping make that trip likely. But if they're 0-6 and we're 6-0? I'll find a way to be there, even if I have to steal daddy's credit card to book a quick flight in and out to make it happen.
The lesson? As always. #neverdenver
* Cowboys (-2 1/2) 34, at Saints 24. If Dak is who my buddy Vineet believes he is, then the Cowboys win this game comfortably. If Dak is who I believe he is, the Saints win this one in a blowout. You can guess whose knowledge, foresight, and wisdom, I am relying on. Hint: it ain't mine.
* Bengals (+4) 3, at Steelers 0. Jesus bleeping Christ, this might be the worst prime-time game on the schedule this season. (stevo looking at said schedule.) Oh my God, we still have to endure a Dolphins at Steelers game on the final Monday in October. Holy hell, it might be 0-7 at 0-7! And look at those number -- zeros and sevens! Holy sh*tballs Batman, we may finally get an actual 007 Slappers mode fight on the field!
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The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
I really wish El Kapitan would return to Twitter Nation, beyond his re-tweeting his defamation of Kansas basketball. His silence is deafening. If not defeating. I miss having the only person on Twitter not named Adam Schiff, dumber than me, positing his dumb ass ideas and opinions online. Because when you have two people between you and the bat sh*t crazy line?
It's much better than only having one.
But in the meantime, can someone figure out what the hell this means:
His "favorite little buddy"? I can only imagine what that has to refer to. It sure as hell ain't his Marcus Peters, right?
(Note: yes, I know it's his dog. But come on. It's "K"KK. He probably has (allegedly) solicited his dog, like he (allegedly) did his now-wife twenty years ago.)
(Also, double note: what golf course lets dogs roam free on their grounds? Let alone ride unaccompanied on their carts? Not even Teetering Rocks allows that, and they'll permit chicks vomiting on the 4th, 5th, 6th, 8th, 9th, and 10th tee boxes for f*ck's sake! Uuh, not that I'd know.)
Let's move on, before Kaptain "Your Krack is Showing" sues me for defamation of his non-existent kharacter and klass ...
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The Tailgating Plans.
There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is a Chiefs game I will not be in attendance for.
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The Watching Party Plans.
We will be at McFadden's down in Power and Light. Feel free to join. As of this posting, we've got $300 in credit. Once the $300 is gone, everything gets split equally amongst all, no matter how much or how little of said $300 you use up. (Note: I got stuck with multiple $100 plus tabs last year; no way in hell I'm doing that again.)
The higher powers above and below willing, The Bus leaves at 10am. Bloody Mary bar at 10:30 outside said Bus; food and beer orders begin at 11am in the back corner closest to No Other Pub, with kickoff at noon.
McFadden's is really a fun place to watch a game. Feel free to come out and join in.
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Disreputable Mexican Food Truck Update:
I got a letter in the mail this week from a new local Dodge / Jeep / Chrysler dealer, offering me XX,XXX amount in guaranteed pre-approval, if I'll just trade in my Wrangler and buy a new vehicle from them.
Which led me to believe three things -- none or all of which may be true:
1. The Jeep Wrangler has to be amongst the most popular of vehicles available on the market.
2. If said Jeep Wrangler is less than four years old, has less than 50,000 miles on it, and you owe less than it's worth? It's one hell of a fluid asset!
And ...
3. Purchasing said Jeep Wrangler ten months ago? Might be the single smartest decision I've ever made in my life that didn't involve passing on going home with a chick from The Eclipse.
I mean seriously, I am pre-approved for $39,000 from the good folks at Max Dodge / Jeep / Chrysler (who apparently have multiple metro locations!) for whatever I want to buy, provided I trade in my Jeep.
OK, first of all, the only way I'm trading said Jeep in, is for a four door rather than a two door, and secondly, why the f*ck would I trade in my Jeep to a dealer stupid enough to give me $39k no questions asked? I mean, ask any of my family or friends if they'd blindly spot me $39k, and I can guarantee you the answer is not just "no", but there's a naughty word in front of said "no", and deservedly so.
I think I'll keep New Tito.
Unless there's one hell of a four door Jeep ready for me, at no more than what I pay now.
(I'm keeping New Tito.)
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Coming tomorrow: the Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication. Because I'm still not sure how to type up (or hype up) Sunday yet. That, and I'm ready to start drinking on this fine, about to be stormy, Friday night here in lovely South Waldo.
Until tomorrow please -- stop driving drunk through my part of town. You (stewie griffin voice) roo-een it, for the rest of us, non-native Waldoans ...
Thursday, September 26, 2019
week four tnf pick
Sorry to break this one off from the rest of the pack, but I wanted to get it posted before kickoff.
For tonight's pick ... this game is potentially so huge come December, especially for the Eagles. If they drop this one, they fall to 1-3 overall, 1-3 in the conference, and will already be losing tiebreakers to the "Shane" Falcons and Packers -- which would be no bueno if Dallas keeps running away with the NFC "L"East, and relegates Philly to a wild card team.
Furthermore, the Eagles next five headed into the bye? The Jets at home, roadies at Minnesota, Buffalo, and Dallas (SNF), then a home matchup with the Bears. And after the bye, they host the Patriots and Seahawks. If they lose tonight, and somehow go 4-3 in that stretch upcoming, they'd still be 5-6 entering December, and that's not where you want to be, especially with the Cowboys rematch still on tap that would all but eliminate you.
Conversely, the Packers need this one too, given how good the NFC Norris has looked so far. The only losses for any NFC Norris squad so far are both to the Packers (the Bears Week One, the Vikings Week Two). And Green Bay's next five look as brutal as Philly's -- if not even worse. A long week to prep for a trip to Dallas next Sunday, then host the Lions on a Monday night, before hosting the raiders, and going at the Chiefs (SNF), then at the "Super" Chargers. The Packers also close with three straight divisional games -- including two straight on the road at the Vikings and Lions.
In my season predictions, I have the winner of this game taking the sixth and final seed in the NFC. And given I have said sixth and final seed in the NFC Title Game, I clearly believe in the team that I chose to win this game a month ago.
(Gulp).
Sorry, Packers fans.
* at Packers (-3 1/2) 28, Eagles 20.
Rest of the Week Four picks should be up by tomorrow evening. Let's just say my day at work did not go as planned today. (Namely, I actually had to work. Who knew? Not me, that's for sure ...)
Saturday, September 21, 2019
week three chiefs pick
"You can hear them going crazy!
In stadiums, in every nation!
A never ending celebration, baby!
This is how we show our dedication!
The boys in the band!
The boys in the band!
We do it for the fans!
(Hey!) The boys in the band!
Where the ladies? Let the crowd in!
'Cause it's about to get loud? In here!
And we're only getting started, baby!
Everybody wants to party with?
The boys in the band!
The boys in the band!
We do it for the fans!
The boys in the band! ..."
-- "Boys In The Band" by New Kids On The Block.
--------------------
The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
"Kaptain" Klassy hasn't tweeted anything in a while. I can only imagine how much the fact that not one -- not one single person -- in the KC media even attempted to defend him three months ago, has to be driving him bat sh*t crazy. Even (nsync voice) "bye! bye! bye!" * Brooke Pryor had Sam Mellinger at least attempt to defend her. Sh*t even Tom Martin had a few defenders before seeking less-green pastures.
--------------------
(*: twenty years later? You're godd*mned right I can still do every dance move to this song, up to and including the sh*t eating grin on Timberlake's face as the song hits the bridge. Any man and his sister can dance to "Shout" when that pops up on Mixology at a tailgate. I can do NSYNC to perfection. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.)
--------------------
The Watching Party Plans.
There are no The Watching Party Plans, as this is a Chiefs game I will be attending in person.
The Tailgating Plans.
We decided at "The Wedding" last weekend that we would keep things as nice and simple as possible. We're doing subs and assorted side items. I'm also making my jalapeno poppers **, and if I get a wild hair up my ass between now and Sunday morning, I might come out of retirement and make jello shots.
The Bus (as of now) is leaving at 5:30 Sunday morning. I say "as of now", because the forecast looks like ... well, it's not pretty at this point, for Sunday morning. As of now, it's supposed to be dumping down buckets of rain come Sunday morning here in KC, and a decent chunk of the game is supposed to see rain, as well as most (if not all) of the tailgating experience:
At least on the bright side, the temperature should be in the 70s, so at least the rain should be somewhat refreshing, given that the high's every day this week in KC have been pushing or above 90.
In any event, I plan to be down reserving our usual spot before the gates open. If you need a place to get your drink on before entering the insane asylum Terrorhead promises to be on Sunday? Feel free to join us. (G30, grassy knoll, due north from the lamppost I nearly broke my foot on thirteen years ago, after losing to? (norm macdonald voice) You guessed it! The Baltimore Ravens!
--------------------
(**: I can't make many things well in life, but I make an amazing jalapeno popper. With all jalapeno's picked out of the garden Saturday afternoon. You'll love them. Or hate them. Either way, we all know they'll be gone by 10:15am.)
--------------------
Disreputable Mexican Food Truck Update:
So, I have worked at current employer now for over two years. (I know, I know -- I don't get it either. Then again, I conned TA into paying me for six years, and Zurich for nearly twelve, so apparently I do one thing in life right ... besides bore you to death by reading this site.)
Two years, as of September 6th. Two years, I work across the street from Penn Valley Community College, specifically the Humanities building. I park across the street from said Humanities building.
And only this week -- specifically Wednesday, since I was out of town on Monday and Tuesday -- only this week did I discover that there's a f*cking cafeteria in said Humanities building, that is not only dirt cheap, but damned good to boot!
How? How does this happen? How in the hell do I work not even two blocks from a place with a credible nacho bar? A credible salad bar? A credible sweet tea for cheaper than McDonald's? And they take credit to boot! How does this occur for two years and I never knew about it?
Seriously, I scored a full box of nachos, loaded up with chicken, black beans, spanish rice, refried beans, shredded mozzarella (so underrated on nachos), pico (with cilantro!), red and green onions, jalapenos, and imitation Velveeta on top, plus my "large as they make them" sweet tea, and I was out of there at under $8!
The lesson? I'll let Homer sum it up for me.
Also, Disreputable Mexican Food Truck was not present for the only day I was in the office this week. That's ... that's no bueno. Especially if it has to compete against a nacho bar now.
--------------------
The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.
Picking the Chiefs This Season:
Straight Up: 1-1-0.
Against the Spread: 1-1-0.
Like Eddie Rabbitt, I love a rainy night.
But I can't stand a rainy day.
And it appears Sunday is going to be one of the rainiest, crappiest weather days for a Chiefs game in a few years.
All I ask, is to not let the weather forecast discourage your participation in the home opener. So it's going to rain. Who gives a sh*t? We sat through a dozen plus inches of snow not even nine months ago to witness the Chiefs first home playoff win in a generation. We sat through brutal cold the likes of which we rarely get here in Kansas City for that AFC Title Game. (I swear, my feet are still frost-bitten from that contest, and I'm not joking about that -- they still hurt every morning when I wake up, nine months later.)
I kept hoping all week, as the, uuh, week rolled along, that the forecast would get better. I mean, it was in the 90s when I got home from Dakotaland on Tuesday. It was still in the high 80s when I left my community volunteer day yesterday. Hell, even this morning as I finish typing this, it's already pushing 80, and it's at worst partly cloudy here in Waldo. It's like the calm before the storm, I suppose.
So rather than b*tch about what it to come, let's instead celebrate what we're going to watch. Two really good football teams, about to duke it out, in less than ideal conditions for both squads. On paper, that favors the Ravens. They have the better defense, their running game is far superior to the Chiefs', and they are built to win a (coach fambrough voice) throwdown, showdown, hoedown, far better than the Chiefs are.
But there's one thing the Ravens won't have tomorrow ... and that's home field advantage.
Provided we all show up.
I hope you do. Because this season -- the one we've waited for our whole lives, Chiefs fans under the age of 50 -- this season truly begins on Sunday. The Chiefs can move to 3-0 overall, 3-0 in the conference, and 1-0 in the division (a road win to boot!) before facing three very, very, very winnable games (at Lions (noon CT) / vs Colts (SNF) / vs Texans (noon CT for now; probably flexed to 3:30). If the Chiefs win this game, there is absolutely no reason they won't be 6-0 going to the eighth layer of hell itself, and if they win that one, I'd be stunned if the Chiefs aren't 10-0 going to Mexico.
But lose this one, and not only to you release the choke hold the Chiefs could have on the division by day's end Sunday (I'm telling you -- the Texans are going to beat the Chargers. We can bury them by the end of September with a win Sunday), but given what the Patriots remaining schedule is, it would mean 14-2 might not get you home field advantage, and might not even get you a bye.
So come out and embrace the elements on Sunday, rather than avoid them. Be loud as f*ck. As Dr. Dre would note: keep their heads ringin'!
The Chiefs play three critical regular season games this year: vs Ravens, at Patriots, and vs "Super" Chargers. The first one is barely 26 hours away. Let's do this.
* at Chiefs 34, Ravens (+6 1/2) 31 (OT). Another instant classic out of these two squads. This game is one I think we're going to remember and tell the grandkids about someday, Chiefs fans. It's gonna be that good. Nah, screw that -- it's gonna be that great.
See ya tomorrow morning, (not so) bright but (very, very) early ...
In stadiums, in every nation!
A never ending celebration, baby!
This is how we show our dedication!
The boys in the band!
The boys in the band!
We do it for the fans!
(Hey!) The boys in the band!
Where the ladies? Let the crowd in!
'Cause it's about to get loud? In here!
And we're only getting started, baby!
Everybody wants to party with?
The boys in the band!
The boys in the band!
We do it for the fans!
The boys in the band! ..."
-- "Boys In The Band" by New Kids On The Block.
--------------------
The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week.
"Kaptain" Klassy hasn't tweeted anything in a while. I can only imagine how much the fact that not one -- not one single person -- in the KC media even attempted to defend him three months ago, has to be driving him bat sh*t crazy. Even (nsync voice) "bye! bye! bye!" * Brooke Pryor had Sam Mellinger at least attempt to defend her. Sh*t even Tom Martin had a few defenders before seeking less-green pastures.
--------------------
(*: twenty years later? You're godd*mned right I can still do every dance move to this song, up to and including the sh*t eating grin on Timberlake's face as the song hits the bridge. Any man and his sister can dance to "Shout" when that pops up on Mixology at a tailgate. I can do NSYNC to perfection. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.)
--------------------
The Watching Party Plans.
There are no The Watching Party Plans, as this is a Chiefs game I will be attending in person.
The Tailgating Plans.
We decided at "The Wedding" last weekend that we would keep things as nice and simple as possible. We're doing subs and assorted side items. I'm also making my jalapeno poppers **, and if I get a wild hair up my ass between now and Sunday morning, I might come out of retirement and make jello shots.
The Bus (as of now) is leaving at 5:30 Sunday morning. I say "as of now", because the forecast looks like ... well, it's not pretty at this point, for Sunday morning. As of now, it's supposed to be dumping down buckets of rain come Sunday morning here in KC, and a decent chunk of the game is supposed to see rain, as well as most (if not all) of the tailgating experience:
In any event, I plan to be down reserving our usual spot before the gates open. If you need a place to get your drink on before entering the insane asylum Terrorhead promises to be on Sunday? Feel free to join us. (G30, grassy knoll, due north from the lamppost I nearly broke my foot on thirteen years ago, after losing to? (norm macdonald voice) You guessed it! The Baltimore Ravens!
--------------------
(**: I can't make many things well in life, but I make an amazing jalapeno popper. With all jalapeno's picked out of the garden Saturday afternoon. You'll love them. Or hate them. Either way, we all know they'll be gone by 10:15am.)
--------------------
Disreputable Mexican Food Truck Update:
So, I have worked at current employer now for over two years. (I know, I know -- I don't get it either. Then again, I conned TA into paying me for six years, and Zurich for nearly twelve, so apparently I do one thing in life right ... besides bore you to death by reading this site.)
Two years, as of September 6th. Two years, I work across the street from Penn Valley Community College, specifically the Humanities building. I park across the street from said Humanities building.
And only this week -- specifically Wednesday, since I was out of town on Monday and Tuesday -- only this week did I discover that there's a f*cking cafeteria in said Humanities building, that is not only dirt cheap, but damned good to boot!
How? How does this happen? How in the hell do I work not even two blocks from a place with a credible nacho bar? A credible salad bar? A credible sweet tea for cheaper than McDonald's? And they take credit to boot! How does this occur for two years and I never knew about it?
Seriously, I scored a full box of nachos, loaded up with chicken, black beans, spanish rice, refried beans, shredded mozzarella (so underrated on nachos), pico (with cilantro!), red and green onions, jalapenos, and imitation Velveeta on top, plus my "large as they make them" sweet tea, and I was out of there at under $8!
The lesson? I'll let Homer sum it up for me.
Also, Disreputable Mexican Food Truck was not present for the only day I was in the office this week. That's ... that's no bueno. Especially if it has to compete against a nacho bar now.
--------------------
The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.
Picking the Chiefs This Season:
Straight Up: 1-1-0.
Against the Spread: 1-1-0.
Like Eddie Rabbitt, I love a rainy night.
But I can't stand a rainy day.
And it appears Sunday is going to be one of the rainiest, crappiest weather days for a Chiefs game in a few years.
All I ask, is to not let the weather forecast discourage your participation in the home opener. So it's going to rain. Who gives a sh*t? We sat through a dozen plus inches of snow not even nine months ago to witness the Chiefs first home playoff win in a generation. We sat through brutal cold the likes of which we rarely get here in Kansas City for that AFC Title Game. (I swear, my feet are still frost-bitten from that contest, and I'm not joking about that -- they still hurt every morning when I wake up, nine months later.)
I kept hoping all week, as the, uuh, week rolled along, that the forecast would get better. I mean, it was in the 90s when I got home from Dakotaland on Tuesday. It was still in the high 80s when I left my community volunteer day yesterday. Hell, even this morning as I finish typing this, it's already pushing 80, and it's at worst partly cloudy here in Waldo. It's like the calm before the storm, I suppose.
So rather than b*tch about what it to come, let's instead celebrate what we're going to watch. Two really good football teams, about to duke it out, in less than ideal conditions for both squads. On paper, that favors the Ravens. They have the better defense, their running game is far superior to the Chiefs', and they are built to win a (coach fambrough voice) throwdown, showdown, hoedown, far better than the Chiefs are.
But there's one thing the Ravens won't have tomorrow ... and that's home field advantage.
Provided we all show up.
I hope you do. Because this season -- the one we've waited for our whole lives, Chiefs fans under the age of 50 -- this season truly begins on Sunday. The Chiefs can move to 3-0 overall, 3-0 in the conference, and 1-0 in the division (a road win to boot!) before facing three very, very, very winnable games (at Lions (noon CT) / vs Colts (SNF) / vs Texans (noon CT for now; probably flexed to 3:30). If the Chiefs win this game, there is absolutely no reason they won't be 6-0 going to the eighth layer of hell itself, and if they win that one, I'd be stunned if the Chiefs aren't 10-0 going to Mexico.
But lose this one, and not only to you release the choke hold the Chiefs could have on the division by day's end Sunday (I'm telling you -- the Texans are going to beat the Chargers. We can bury them by the end of September with a win Sunday), but given what the Patriots remaining schedule is, it would mean 14-2 might not get you home field advantage, and might not even get you a bye.
So come out and embrace the elements on Sunday, rather than avoid them. Be loud as f*ck. As Dr. Dre would note: keep their heads ringin'!
The Chiefs play three critical regular season games this year: vs Ravens, at Patriots, and vs "Super" Chargers. The first one is barely 26 hours away. Let's do this.
* at Chiefs 34, Ravens (+6 1/2) 31 (OT). Another instant classic out of these two squads. This game is one I think we're going to remember and tell the grandkids about someday, Chiefs fans. It's gonna be that good. Nah, screw that -- it's gonna be that great.
See ya tomorrow morning, (not so) bright but (very, very) early ...
Thursday, September 19, 2019
week three non-chiefs picks
Last Week SU: 13-3-0.
Season to Date SU: 21-10-1.
Last Week ATS: 11-5-0.
Season to Date ATS: 19-12-1.
Last Week Upset / Week: you're welcome!
Season to Date Upset / Week: 1-1-0 SU; 1-1-0 ATS.
This Week Upset / Week: Texans (+3) over "Super" Chargers.
The Non-Chiefs Predictions:
* Titans (-1 1/2) 13, at Jaguars 10. I'll be tuned into "Big Brother" instead. Also, "ALF" Game O' The Week Honors.
* at Packers (-7 1/2) 28, those people 0. For the first time since 1999, those people have opened 0-2. For the first time since 1999, those people will open 0-3. (Pause). What? (Pause). Oh yeah -- I am so getting my ass beat to a bloody pulp when I step foot inside the eighth layer of hell in four weeks.
* at Eagles 27, Lions (+6) 24. The Lions are better than I thought. The Eagles are about what I expected them to be.
* at Bills (-6) 34, Bengals 10. It's only 6? The line is only 6? What in God's beautiful name am I missing here? This should be at least 9, if not 10.
* "Shane" Falcons (+1 1/2) 31, at Colts 21. Sneaky good noon matchup most of the nation will miss. Because #BalvsKC
* at Vikings 21, raiders (+9) 20. I damned near picked the outright upset. You laying a touchdown and a field goal on a Kirk Cousins quarterbacked team? 'Cause I sure as f*ck ain't. And yes, I am starting Mr. Cousins on my primary fantasy team. #dontdraftdrunkkids
* at Patriots (-22) 74, Jets 3. I couldn't even muster a meltdown Monday night in The Garage. I think everyone there was waiting for it. I couldn't muster it. I did manage to channel 2012 Stevo and cheer as that rat bastardo trevor siemian was helped off the field, his season over. (Pause). Just like in 2012, as I cheered the effective end of Matt Cassel's Kansas City career, as he was carted off half-dead after a vicious hit by a Ravens defender? I make no apologies for my reaction.
Also, no separate Jets section until this collection of embarrassment can manage to field a semi-competent team. Emphasis on "semi". So ... 2022?
Oh, and "Empty Nest" Game O' The Week Honors.
* at Cowboys 41, Dolphins (+23) 20. I think Josh Rosen can cover twenty three, even on the road. Then again, I post these picks because I suck at sports wagering, so what do I know.
* Giants (+6) 31, at Bucs 20. Daniel Jones cannot possibly be worse than Eli Manning at this point. Can he?
* at "Super" Cardinals (-2 1/2) 27, Panthers 10. In the words of Mr. T, "I pity the foo!" who has to watch this game. Also, "Good Times" Game O' The Week Honors.
* at Seahawks (-4) 31, Saints 20. Only four? Are you f*cking kidding me?
* Texans (+3) 31, at "Super" Chargers 20. Deshaun Watson is going to tear that "Super" Chargers secondary a new one. I can't wait to watch it unfold.
* Steelers (+6 1/2) 24, at 49ers 14. I like Mason Rudolph. Steelers fans are really gonna like him once this game is done.
* at Redskins (+4) 24, Bears 17. "Wayne Allyn Root" Memorial Game O' The Week. Also, "Webster" Game O' The Week Honors.
And finally ...
* at Browns (+3) 33, Rams 6. I am so looking forward to watching this, actually ... and I don't really give a rat's roasted ass about either squad. But I so want this for Browns fans. So here is my wish to you, Browns fans: I pray -- truly hope and pray -- that Sunday is your version of football fandom, that Monday, October 6, 1991, is to me.
Coming tomorrow or Saturday, the Chiefs pontification and prognostication. Until then, hey -- let's be careful out there ...
Season to Date SU: 21-10-1.
Last Week ATS: 11-5-0.
Season to Date ATS: 19-12-1.
Last Week Upset / Week: you're welcome!
Season to Date Upset / Week: 1-1-0 SU; 1-1-0 ATS.
This Week Upset / Week: Texans (+3) over "Super" Chargers.
The Non-Chiefs Predictions:
* Titans (-1 1/2) 13, at Jaguars 10. I'll be tuned into "Big Brother" instead. Also, "ALF" Game O' The Week Honors.
* at Packers (-7 1/2) 28, those people 0. For the first time since 1999, those people have opened 0-2. For the first time since 1999, those people will open 0-3. (Pause). What? (Pause). Oh yeah -- I am so getting my ass beat to a bloody pulp when I step foot inside the eighth layer of hell in four weeks.
* at Eagles 27, Lions (+6) 24. The Lions are better than I thought. The Eagles are about what I expected them to be.
* at Bills (-6) 34, Bengals 10. It's only 6? The line is only 6? What in God's beautiful name am I missing here? This should be at least 9, if not 10.
* "Shane" Falcons (+1 1/2) 31, at Colts 21. Sneaky good noon matchup most of the nation will miss. Because #BalvsKC
* at Vikings 21, raiders (+9) 20. I damned near picked the outright upset. You laying a touchdown and a field goal on a Kirk Cousins quarterbacked team? 'Cause I sure as f*ck ain't. And yes, I am starting Mr. Cousins on my primary fantasy team. #dontdraftdrunkkids
* at Patriots (-22) 74, Jets 3. I couldn't even muster a meltdown Monday night in The Garage. I think everyone there was waiting for it. I couldn't muster it. I did manage to channel 2012 Stevo and cheer as that rat bastardo trevor siemian was helped off the field, his season over. (Pause). Just like in 2012, as I cheered the effective end of Matt Cassel's Kansas City career, as he was carted off half-dead after a vicious hit by a Ravens defender? I make no apologies for my reaction.
Also, no separate Jets section until this collection of embarrassment can manage to field a semi-competent team. Emphasis on "semi". So ... 2022?
Oh, and "Empty Nest" Game O' The Week Honors.
* at Cowboys 41, Dolphins (+23) 20. I think Josh Rosen can cover twenty three, even on the road. Then again, I post these picks because I suck at sports wagering, so what do I know.
* Giants (+6) 31, at Bucs 20. Daniel Jones cannot possibly be worse than Eli Manning at this point. Can he?
* at "Super" Cardinals (-2 1/2) 27, Panthers 10. In the words of Mr. T, "I pity the foo!" who has to watch this game. Also, "Good Times" Game O' The Week Honors.
* at Seahawks (-4) 31, Saints 20. Only four? Are you f*cking kidding me?
* Texans (+3) 31, at "Super" Chargers 20. Deshaun Watson is going to tear that "Super" Chargers secondary a new one. I can't wait to watch it unfold.
* Steelers (+6 1/2) 24, at 49ers 14. I like Mason Rudolph. Steelers fans are really gonna like him once this game is done.
* at Redskins (+4) 24, Bears 17. "Wayne Allyn Root" Memorial Game O' The Week. Also, "Webster" Game O' The Week Honors.
And finally ...
* at Browns (+3) 33, Rams 6. I am so looking forward to watching this, actually ... and I don't really give a rat's roasted ass about either squad. But I so want this for Browns fans. So here is my wish to you, Browns fans: I pray -- truly hope and pray -- that Sunday is your version of football fandom, that Monday, October 6, 1991, is to me.
Coming tomorrow or Saturday, the Chiefs pontification and prognostication. Until then, hey -- let's be careful out there ...
Friday, September 13, 2019
week two chiefs pick
"Well my soul checked out missing,
As I sat listening,
To the hours and minutes?
Ticking away.
Yeah just sitting around waiting
For my life to begin,
While it was all just
Slipping away.
Well I'm tired of waiting
For tomorrow to come;
For that train to come
Rolling around the bend.
I've got a new suit of clothes,
And a pretty red rose,
And a (QB) I can call
My friend.
These are better days!
These are better days, it's true!
These are better days!
Better days with a (QB) like you! ..."
-- "Better Days" by Bruce Springsteen. Jesus, "Lucky Town" is so, so, so damned underrated ...
--------------------
So much of what I was going to write today, I am choosing to save for next week. Because it melts in better with what my planned theme for next week is.
So instead ...
--------------------
... allow me to note what my Chiefs weekend to be is, uuh, to be, and then get the pick out of the way, and let you get back to your Friday night.
I leave tonight for lovely -- and Jesus, do I use that term loosely -- lovely Springfield, Missouri, where about fifteen miles south of there tomorrow, my good buddy Ryan will marry his long-time girlfriend, the lovely Alyssa, in what should be one epic ceremony * .
Then, after the wedding and reception (it's at a "winery", and it's a wedding of two great, long time tailgating friends; if there ain't an open bar, you'll know about it, I can assure you of that), I head back to KC overnight ... before leaving at the ass crack of dawn, to spend for what is likely to be for the final time, the way I've spent every raiders road game since at least 2010: in the Garage, in Sioux Falls, with about 25 raiders fans in what we refer to as "Black Hole North".
(Plus the one Chiefs fan up there, the lovely Leslie. Trust me, Chiefs fans -- beating those people in that place? When you're outnumbered like 35-6? Is so f*cking sweet.)
Then Monday -- and please, at the risk of sounding like an elementary principal at kindergarten graduation, please withhold your applause and/or outright laughter until the paragraph is finished -- I am playing in some kind of golf event on Monday up there that is affiliated with the Senior PGA Champions Tour, which is hosting an event next week in Sioux Falls.
Now, to be fair, I have played two practice rounds this summer: one at Royal Meadows over the Fourth of July, and one at Teetering Rocks to open August ** , so I might be prepared for this ... but come on. It's me on a golf course. I swear, I broke a basement window or three at the old place on Stubbs ten years ago ... and the window was twenty yards behind my chip shot, aimed at the woods 120, 130 yards in front of me.
(My way of saying: unless someone mentions the name of an ex of mine as I'm teeing off, I'm carding a snowman at least on the hole. (Shoutout to high school golf at St. Andrews, everyone!))
(Also, if the cart doesn't tip over twice, I've won the battle, if not the war, (jimmy buffett voice) come Monday. #gijoe)
Finally, on Tuesday, I head home (hopefully), spend a whopping one day in the office, and then spend Thursday, Friday, and (if need be) Saturday, getting The Bus ready for the home opener.
That is my week to be -- five out of six work days off on PTO and/or "work from home" days; one wedding, two football games, three planning days, and a round of golf thrown in for the hell of it.
It is not the week that was -- which is what I'd intended to write about, only to realize, it fits my planned theme for next week better.
But still, for a week to be, it's loaded like ... well, like me on a typical Tuesday. Struggling to avoid the coffee table, barely nailing the deep end of the couch, to tune in and watch the rock star sitcom lineup ABC has to offer.
That is my weekend and week, to be.
--------------------
(*: I get if you're a girl, why you'd want a ring on it ... but for Christ's sake, explain this to me. And I ask this as a 42 year old single, straight male, never married, but did live with "The Ex" for a few months (brantley gilbert voice) back in the day.
If you've been living (with benefits!) with a chica for four years, she doesn't want kids, and you're both at least ok with the relationship, why f*ck it up by putting a ring on it? What f*cking sense does that make? Just "live in sin" and be happy! I don't get this need to get married. Jesus never married. What's your excuse?)
(**: I'll (probably) never be invited back. My playing partner -- whose name I believe was Amber (she is (was?) my buddy Jordan's girlfriend) threw up on the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and eighth holes ... then puked on the tenth tee as well, as I tried to get her into New Tito to get her home to sleep off one epic hangover. Now, to be fair, if you're scared of heights, you'd puke on the third tee at Teetering Rocks too. Nothing like a 300 foot descent to the green when you're still pushing a 0.27. And the fifth on a 91 degree day would make Tiger Woods upchuck between the humidity and the swamp critters.
But anyways.
There's drunk, there's ridiculously drunk, and then there's "puking your guts out on 6 of the first 10 holes of a course on a lovely 91 degree morning" drunk. I've done two of the three. I've never done the third. Not even at Indy, be it for a 500 or a Brickyard. (Pause). What? (Pause). Well of course I meant "yet"; it's supposed to be 87 at tee time Monday morning in Sioux Falls!)
--------------------
So, the pick.
I hate this is the last trip to oakland for the Chiefs. There's certain things in life that should never be f*cked with. The raiders playing in oakland should have been one of those things.
I also hate this is likely the last trip up to Sioux Falls for this game. Because let's be honest here, come next season, where the hell do you think I'm going to watch this game: the cold north ... or Vegas? Not even my mom has to ask that question, the answer is so obvious.
I hate that greed, Goodell, and utter stupidity (not necessarily in that order ... although all three are related) has screwed over forever one of -- if not the best -- rivalries in the NFL. Nobody wants this game to go to Vegas, other than degenerate gamblers and/or greedy landlords. And yes, I may be one of those things ... but I still want the game in oakland, and I rent my house, thank you very much. #ilovewaldo
I hate this is it, to go to oakland ***. I hate this is probably it to go to the Garage in Sioux Falls. I really hate that I have to pack for a week tonight, go over 1,500 miles (aaliyah voice) back, back, forth, forth over the next five days, and when it's all said and done, the Chiefs will still likely be tied with someone atop the AFC West, with the very formidable Ravens coming to Terrorhead next week, to truly kick the season into high gear.
So let me at least relax Damien out there -- this week's pick is not the Upset O' The Week ... and I'm going to pick something I rarely do.
(damien voice) (for the first time ever, confused as hell) what the ...
* Chiefs (-7) 38, at raiders 0.
As "The Voice of Reason" has noted many times in the past (usually to utter laughter, almost always to accuracy) ... ("the voice of reason" voice) "this defense has a shutout in it!" Yes. Yes they do.
And Sunday is it.
--------------------
(***: I nailed this pick damned near exactly (it was 29-10, not 29-13). Gotta love the broken clock being right twice a day ...)
--------------------
Until next time -- hey! Let's be careful out there ...
Thursday, September 12, 2019
week two non-chiefs picks
"Number one on my speed dial.
I changed your name so my friends won't find out.
But they're all heading home now --
And I got word that she's hanging downtown.
I know I shouldn't do it;
Oh but these shots I'm shooting
Make me not?
Give a damn!
Now it's one more last time --
We swore we wouldn't!
But it's one more sunrise,
Breaking through these curtains!
I know when we're sober?
We'll both say it's over!
But it ain't really over ...
'Cause alcohol,
Alcohol,
Alcohol you later!
Alcohol,
Alcohol,
Alcohol you later ..."
-- "Alcohol You Later" by Mitchell Tenpenny.
--------------------
Last Week SU: 8-7-1.
Season to Date SU: 8-7-1.
Last Week ATS: 8-7-1.
Season to Date ATS: 8-7-1.
Last Week Upset / Week: you're welcome?
Season to Date Upset / Week: 0-1-0 SU / 0-1-0 ATS.
This Week Upset / Week: Lions (+2 1/2) over "Super" Chargers.
--------------------
The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Best Guesses:
* at Panthers (-6 1/2) 28, Bucs 20. "ALF" Game O' The Week.
(Also, in case you missed it, the awesome actor who played Willie Tanner passed away this summer. He also played Norm's boss (post-pilot episode) on the most underrated sitcom of all time, "The Norm Show". Rest in peace, Mr. Wright. Rest in peace. And no, it's still not a massage parlor, like you think it is, sir.)
* at Lions (+2 1/2) 31, "Super" Chargers 28. A sneaky good offensive matchup that should come down to the last possession.
* at Titans (-3) 28, Colts 24. I'm guessing this will be the noon game on the main TV in The Garage.
* Bills (-1 1/2) 19, at Giants 13. Did you see anything last week to convince you the Giants can win a game this season? Because I didn't. Also, "Empty Nest" Game O' The Week.
* at Ravens 34, "Super" Cardinals (+13) 24. This line is insane. Absolutely f*cking insane.
* Patriots (-18) 41, at Dolphins 10. On the other hand, this line is not only sane, it'll be covered by the two minute warning of the first half. Also ... hang on. Do I dare go there this early in the season? Let me check the remaining games to be picked ... we're safe. Barely. "Webster" Game O' The Week. Jesus, we were THIS close to hauling the late Pat Harrington and the late Bonnie Franklin back into our lives for an afternoon. THIS close.
(I should also probably note the irony: I actually love the reboot on Netflix. The original is more full of sh*t than a port-a-potty exiting Arrowhead ... but the reboot is really, really good stuff.)
* Cowboys 31, at Redskins (+5 1/2) 28 (OT). Poor Case Keenum. As usual, he did everything but win the damned game.
* at Texans (-8 1/2) 51, Jaguars 13. If the Texans are who I think they are, they rally from last week's indefensible collapse and defeat by beating the living bejesus out of the Jaguars. Because good teams take losses like last week's as a "See You Next Tuesday" slap of disrespect.
* at Steelers (-4) 31, Seahawks 24. There's no way the Steelers are this bad, right?
* 49ers (+2) 26, at Bengals 21. (Pause). Yeah -- "Good Times" Game O' The Week. Also, this line is beyond f*cking ridiculous. The 49ers should be favored, not underdogs.
* at Packers (-3) 28, Vikings 24. On the other hand, this line is damned near perfect, because this smells like a last second field goal game the home team eeks out.
* at Rams (-2) 45, Saints 17. I think this is "going to be an ass kicking of biblical proportions". I just think most people have the wrong team, giving the ass kicking, let alone receiving it. If I still made a Lock O' The Week, this pick would be it.
* Bears (-2 1/2) 27, at those people 3. How awesome is it, that the Bears looked like the worst team in the league this side of Miami with the nation watching ... and they're still favored at fake mile high? I mean, how f*cking awesome are your 2019 those people! October 17th cannot get here soon enough! To say nothing of December 15th!
(And yes, I am fully aware October 17th, when the Red and Gold will post its' fifth consecutive win inside the eighth layer of hell itself, is the 25th anniversary of the Chiefs greatest victory over those people. I might have to invest in a Montana Chiefs jersey for that roadie.)
* at "Shane" Falcons (+1 1/2) 31, Eagles 28. Toughest game on the board to predict. The Eagles need this one more, but I guess I pick the "Shane" Falcons to not sh*t the bed in the home opener.
The Jets Prediction:
What a day to be a Jets fan, huh?
Because this happened.
Then this happened.
The loser of this game is credibly staring 0-7 in the face: the Browns next five are vs Rams (SNF) / at Ravens / at 49ers (MNF -- and note, this might be the ugliest Monday Night Football game in modern NFL history, because what dumb f*ck nitwit at Scheduling Headquarters thought for even one millisecond of time the nation wants to watch Browns at 49ers in prime time) / vs Seahawks / at Patriots.
The Jets next five: at Patriots / at Eagles / Cowboys / Patriots (MNF) / at Jaguars.
Good Lord.
Let the Trevor Siemian Error begin! (stevo pouring himself the stiffest Weller and Dr. Pepper he's ever poured in his life ...)
* Browns (-6) 31, at Jets 13. Yes folks, the Browns are a f*cking touchdown favorite. On the road. In prime time. (stevo lighting himself on fire ...)
--------------------
The Chiefs pick will go up Friday. I can confidently predict that, because I happened to take tomorrow off. I'm not sure 9 hours of sleep is enough for my body to recover from the alcoholic pounding it is going to take tonight watching the Democrat Debate. I have about $1,100 in my checking account right now; I'm not sure that's enough to cover the tab to watch this thing ...
I changed your name so my friends won't find out.
But they're all heading home now --
And I got word that she's hanging downtown.
I know I shouldn't do it;
Oh but these shots I'm shooting
Make me not?
Give a damn!
Now it's one more last time --
We swore we wouldn't!
But it's one more sunrise,
Breaking through these curtains!
I know when we're sober?
We'll both say it's over!
But it ain't really over ...
'Cause alcohol,
Alcohol,
Alcohol you later!
Alcohol,
Alcohol,
Alcohol you later ..."
-- "Alcohol You Later" by Mitchell Tenpenny.
--------------------
Last Week SU: 8-7-1.
Season to Date SU: 8-7-1.
Last Week ATS: 8-7-1.
Season to Date ATS: 8-7-1.
Last Week Upset / Week: you're welcome?
Season to Date Upset / Week: 0-1-0 SU / 0-1-0 ATS.
This Week Upset / Week: Lions (+2 1/2) over "Super" Chargers.
--------------------
The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Best Guesses:
* at Panthers (-6 1/2) 28, Bucs 20. "ALF" Game O' The Week.
(Also, in case you missed it, the awesome actor who played Willie Tanner passed away this summer. He also played Norm's boss (post-pilot episode) on the most underrated sitcom of all time, "The Norm Show". Rest in peace, Mr. Wright. Rest in peace. And no, it's still not a massage parlor, like you think it is, sir.)
* at Lions (+2 1/2) 31, "Super" Chargers 28. A sneaky good offensive matchup that should come down to the last possession.
* at Titans (-3) 28, Colts 24. I'm guessing this will be the noon game on the main TV in The Garage.
* Bills (-1 1/2) 19, at Giants 13. Did you see anything last week to convince you the Giants can win a game this season? Because I didn't. Also, "Empty Nest" Game O' The Week.
* at Ravens 34, "Super" Cardinals (+13) 24. This line is insane. Absolutely f*cking insane.
* Patriots (-18) 41, at Dolphins 10. On the other hand, this line is not only sane, it'll be covered by the two minute warning of the first half. Also ... hang on. Do I dare go there this early in the season? Let me check the remaining games to be picked ... we're safe. Barely. "Webster" Game O' The Week. Jesus, we were THIS close to hauling the late Pat Harrington and the late Bonnie Franklin back into our lives for an afternoon. THIS close.
(I should also probably note the irony: I actually love the reboot on Netflix. The original is more full of sh*t than a port-a-potty exiting Arrowhead ... but the reboot is really, really good stuff.)
* Cowboys 31, at Redskins (+5 1/2) 28 (OT). Poor Case Keenum. As usual, he did everything but win the damned game.
* at Texans (-8 1/2) 51, Jaguars 13. If the Texans are who I think they are, they rally from last week's indefensible collapse and defeat by beating the living bejesus out of the Jaguars. Because good teams take losses like last week's as a "See You Next Tuesday" slap of disrespect.
* at Steelers (-4) 31, Seahawks 24. There's no way the Steelers are this bad, right?
* 49ers (+2) 26, at Bengals 21. (Pause). Yeah -- "Good Times" Game O' The Week. Also, this line is beyond f*cking ridiculous. The 49ers should be favored, not underdogs.
* at Packers (-3) 28, Vikings 24. On the other hand, this line is damned near perfect, because this smells like a last second field goal game the home team eeks out.
* at Rams (-2) 45, Saints 17. I think this is "going to be an ass kicking of biblical proportions". I just think most people have the wrong team, giving the ass kicking, let alone receiving it. If I still made a Lock O' The Week, this pick would be it.
* Bears (-2 1/2) 27, at those people 3. How awesome is it, that the Bears looked like the worst team in the league this side of Miami with the nation watching ... and they're still favored at fake mile high? I mean, how f*cking awesome are your 2019 those people! October 17th cannot get here soon enough! To say nothing of December 15th!
(And yes, I am fully aware October 17th, when the Red and Gold will post its' fifth consecutive win inside the eighth layer of hell itself, is the 25th anniversary of the Chiefs greatest victory over those people. I might have to invest in a Montana Chiefs jersey for that roadie.)
* at "Shane" Falcons (+1 1/2) 31, Eagles 28. Toughest game on the board to predict. The Eagles need this one more, but I guess I pick the "Shane" Falcons to not sh*t the bed in the home opener.
The Jets Prediction:
What a day to be a Jets fan, huh?
Because this happened.
Then this happened.
The loser of this game is credibly staring 0-7 in the face: the Browns next five are vs Rams (SNF) / at Ravens / at 49ers (MNF -- and note, this might be the ugliest Monday Night Football game in modern NFL history, because what dumb f*ck nitwit at Scheduling Headquarters thought for even one millisecond of time the nation wants to watch Browns at 49ers in prime time) / vs Seahawks / at Patriots.
The Jets next five: at Patriots / at Eagles / Cowboys / Patriots (MNF) / at Jaguars.
Good Lord.
Let the Trevor Siemian Error begin! (stevo pouring himself the stiffest Weller and Dr. Pepper he's ever poured in his life ...)
* Browns (-6) 31, at Jets 13. Yes folks, the Browns are a f*cking touchdown favorite. On the road. In prime time. (stevo lighting himself on fire ...)
--------------------
The Chiefs pick will go up Friday. I can confidently predict that, because I happened to take tomorrow off. I'm not sure 9 hours of sleep is enough for my body to recover from the alcoholic pounding it is going to take tonight watching the Democrat Debate. I have about $1,100 in my checking account right now; I'm not sure that's enough to cover the tab to watch this thing ...
Sunday, September 8, 2019
stevo's 2019 nfl predictions: the playoffs
"Every time when I look in the mirror?
All these lines on my face getting clearer?
The past is gone! It went by, like dusk to dawn.
Isn't that the way -- everybody's got their dues in life to pay?
I know nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes.
I know everybody sins --
But you got to lose to know, how to win.
Half my life is books and written pages;
Live and learn, from fools and from sages.
You know it's true --
All the feelings come back to you!
Sing with me!
Sing for the year!
Sing for the laughter!
Sing for the tears!
Sing with me!
If just for today!
Then maybe tomorrow?
The good Lord will take you away ...
... (one epic buildup) ...
Dream on! Dream on!
Dream on! Dream until your dreams come true!
Dream on! Dream on!
Dream on! Dream until your dreams come true!
Yeah, dream on! Dream on!
Dream on! Dream on!
Dream on! Dream on!
Dream on! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Well, sing with me! Sing for the years!
Sing for the laughter! Sing for the tears!
Sing with me -- if just for today!
'Cause maybe tomorrow? The good Lord'll take you away!
Sing with me! Sing for the years!
Sing for the laughter! Sing for the tears!
Sing with me -- if just for today!
'Cause maybe tomorrow? The good Lord'll take you away ..."
-- "Dream On" by Aerosmith.
--------------------
Here are your 2019 NFL Season Predictions, broken down into five parts:
Part I: The Last Place Finishers
Part II: The Third Place Finishers
Part III: The Wild Card Contenders
Part IV: The Division Winners
Part V: The Postseason
Also, this is your Week One Power Poll. As always, 32 is typical New York Jets bad, 1 is typical New England Patriots good.
Enjoy.
--------------------
Wild Card Games.
* 6 Buffalo Bills 21, at 3 Houston Texans 34.
(Saturday, January 4, 2020, 3:30pm CT (ABC / ESPN)).
A deceptively sneaky-good playoff opener, if only because the Bills have the defense to at least contain the Texans offense. In the end, too much Deshaun Watson, too much JJ Watt, and too much noise in the finest facility I've ever attended a NFL game in. (Seriously -- NRG Reliant is still as gorgeous and awesome today, as it was when I first stepped foot in there fifteen years ago. Especially compared to that decrepit "Eighth Wonder of the World" next door.)
* 5 San Francisco 49ers 17, at 4 Dallas Cowboys 27.
(Saturday, January 4, 2020, 7pm CT (NBC)).
Yes please. Do you realize these two haven't met in the postseason since the 1994 NFC Title Game? That's ridiculous. This needs to happen. Here's hoping it will.
* 6 Green Bay Packers 31, at 3 Chicago Bears 30.
(Sunday, January 5, 2020, noon CT (FOX)).
It can't possibly be worse than the season opener.
* 5 Pittsburgh Steelers 24, at 4 New England Patriots 27 (OT).
(Sunday, January 5, 2020, 3:30pm CT (CBS)).
Another matchup we don't get nearly enough of, come January. Also, no matter who wins this, it sets up one epic, awesome, "grab the popcorn!" Divisional Round game next week for said winner.
Divisional Round Games.
* 6 Green Bay Packers 34, at 1 Atlanta "Shane" Falcons 24.
(Saturday, January 11, 2020, 3:30pm CT (NBC)).
So ... I'll go there. Is Dan Quinn the new 1990s 49ers head coach? The dude who wins 10 games every year, gets his team to the playoffs every year, and every year faces a "win in the playoffs or you're fired" ultimatum? I never thought it was fair to George Seifert, I never thought it was fair to Steve Mariucci either. Although in defense of Eddie DeBartolo, if I had the talent of those 1990s 49ers squads, I'd settle for nothing less than a NFC Title Game appearance every year as well.
If he is the new 1990s 49ers head coach, this game might seal his fate -- a non-competitive loss to an inferior team at home.
* 3 Houston Texans 38, at 2 Kansas City Chiefs 49.
(Saturday, January 11, 2020, 7pm CT (CBS)).
The first of what I pray is many, many playoff matchups between Deshaun and Patrick. Let's hope for a day full of snow and little to no wind, ala the Colts playoff game last year.
* 4 New England Patriots 31, at 1 Cleveland Browns 23.
(Sunday, January 12, 2020, 2pm CT (CBS)).
Ooh boy! Belichick returns to Cleveland! The Browns host a playoff game! Baker Mayfield vs Tom Brady, with a spot in the AFC Title Game on the line! In the end, I trust Bill Belichick far more than I trust Freddie Kitchens. That, and I believe that when a dynasty dies, it should die to a worthy successor.
* 4 Dallas Cowboys 31, at 2 Los Angeles Rams 20.
(Sunday, January 12, 2020, 5:30pm CT (FOX)).
I'll say it -- the better team wins. Also, this is without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- the best Cowboys team since I lived there twenty plus years ago. And just like the 1995, 1996 Cowboys? The weakest link is the one wearing the headset.
Conference Championship Games.
* 4 New England Patriots 31, at 2 Kansas City Chiefs 37 (OT).
(Sunday, January 19, 2020, 2pm CT (CBS)).
If revenge is a dish best served cold ... then let's hope it's not as cold as it was last January 20th. Because in the words of the (apparently) immortal Ric Flair: "to be the man? You gotta beat the man! WOO!"
And that's what this season is about here in Kansas City: unfinished business. It's about rectifying the outrageous wrong Dee Ford's offside brain fart was. It's about righting the wrong of the outcome of the coin flip to start overtime. It's about the Chiefs joining those people (2005, 2013, 2015), the Colts (2006), the Ravens (2009, 2012), and the Jets (2010), as the only teams to beat Belichick's Patriots in the AFC postseason. It's about stopping their Super Bowl appearance streak at three, and beginning our streak.
Seriously, when I think Patriots, this comes to mind. It's time to end their run. It's time to send them packing to the retirement home, where they can act like spoiled toddlers that sh*t their pants over every other team's defeat -- you know, like the 1972 Dolphins do every year.
I refuse to say it's our time, because #2012royals ... but yeah. It's Chiefs time.
Lamar's Trophy is coming home.
* 6 Green Bay Packers 31, at 4 Dallas Cowboys 35.
(Sunday, January 19, 2020, 5:40pm (FOX)).
Every one of us raised on this sport in the late 1980s / early to mid 1990s (hey, that's me!) will probably nut if this matchup occurs. Even post-Favre and post-Triplets, they've already given us two playoff classics in this decade (the 2014 Dez Bryant "non-catch" Divisional Round game; the 2016 38-31 Divisional Round game that saw four scores inside the last four minutes ... including two 50 plus yard field goals inside of a minute to play).
Which gives us ...
Super Bowl LIV.
* 2 Kansas City Chiefs 38, 4 Dallas Cowboys 27.
(Sunday, February 2, 2020, 5:20pm CT (FOX)).
And thus, the lyrics to this post finally reach the point.
We've waited our whole lives for this, Chiefs fans.
Sing with me.
Sing for the years.
Sing for the laughter.
Sing for the tears.
Sing with me,
If just for today.
And maybe tomorrow?
The Good Lord'll take us away.
Starting today? And every day until about 9pm on February 2nd? It's dream on! (Or, as I used to say, "season f*cking on!")
Because come 9pm February 2nd? We begin planning the biggest party this town has ever seen. And considering one out of every three people in the metropolitan area descended on Union Station for the Royals victory parade ... sweet Jesus. Can you even imagine what the Crossroads and Union Hill are gonna look like when the Lombardi comes driving down Grand Boulevard next February?
I can't wait to see the image become reality ...
All these lines on my face getting clearer?
The past is gone! It went by, like dusk to dawn.
Isn't that the way -- everybody's got their dues in life to pay?
I know nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes.
I know everybody sins --
But you got to lose to know, how to win.
Half my life is books and written pages;
Live and learn, from fools and from sages.
You know it's true --
All the feelings come back to you!
Sing with me!
Sing for the year!
Sing for the laughter!
Sing for the tears!
Sing with me!
If just for today!
Then maybe tomorrow?
The good Lord will take you away ...
... (one epic buildup) ...
Dream on! Dream on!
Dream on! Dream until your dreams come true!
Dream on! Dream on!
Dream on! Dream until your dreams come true!
Yeah, dream on! Dream on!
Dream on! Dream on!
Dream on! Dream on!
Dream on! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Well, sing with me! Sing for the years!
Sing for the laughter! Sing for the tears!
Sing with me -- if just for today!
'Cause maybe tomorrow? The good Lord'll take you away!
Sing with me! Sing for the years!
Sing for the laughter! Sing for the tears!
Sing with me -- if just for today!
'Cause maybe tomorrow? The good Lord'll take you away ..."
-- "Dream On" by Aerosmith.
--------------------
Here are your 2019 NFL Season Predictions, broken down into five parts:
Part I: The Last Place Finishers
Part II: The Third Place Finishers
Part III: The Wild Card Contenders
Part IV: The Division Winners
Part V: The Postseason
Also, this is your Week One Power Poll. As always, 32 is typical New York Jets bad, 1 is typical New England Patriots good.
Enjoy.
--------------------
Wild Card Games.
* 6 Buffalo Bills 21, at 3 Houston Texans 34.
(Saturday, January 4, 2020, 3:30pm CT (ABC / ESPN)).
A deceptively sneaky-good playoff opener, if only because the Bills have the defense to at least contain the Texans offense. In the end, too much Deshaun Watson, too much JJ Watt, and too much noise in the finest facility I've ever attended a NFL game in. (Seriously -- NRG Reliant is still as gorgeous and awesome today, as it was when I first stepped foot in there fifteen years ago. Especially compared to that decrepit "Eighth Wonder of the World" next door.)
* 5 San Francisco 49ers 17, at 4 Dallas Cowboys 27.
(Saturday, January 4, 2020, 7pm CT (NBC)).
Yes please. Do you realize these two haven't met in the postseason since the 1994 NFC Title Game? That's ridiculous. This needs to happen. Here's hoping it will.
* 6 Green Bay Packers 31, at 3 Chicago Bears 30.
(Sunday, January 5, 2020, noon CT (FOX)).
It can't possibly be worse than the season opener.
* 5 Pittsburgh Steelers 24, at 4 New England Patriots 27 (OT).
(Sunday, January 5, 2020, 3:30pm CT (CBS)).
Another matchup we don't get nearly enough of, come January. Also, no matter who wins this, it sets up one epic, awesome, "grab the popcorn!" Divisional Round game next week for said winner.
Divisional Round Games.
* 6 Green Bay Packers 34, at 1 Atlanta "Shane" Falcons 24.
(Saturday, January 11, 2020, 3:30pm CT (NBC)).
So ... I'll go there. Is Dan Quinn the new 1990s 49ers head coach? The dude who wins 10 games every year, gets his team to the playoffs every year, and every year faces a "win in the playoffs or you're fired" ultimatum? I never thought it was fair to George Seifert, I never thought it was fair to Steve Mariucci either. Although in defense of Eddie DeBartolo, if I had the talent of those 1990s 49ers squads, I'd settle for nothing less than a NFC Title Game appearance every year as well.
If he is the new 1990s 49ers head coach, this game might seal his fate -- a non-competitive loss to an inferior team at home.
* 3 Houston Texans 38, at 2 Kansas City Chiefs 49.
(Saturday, January 11, 2020, 7pm CT (CBS)).
The first of what I pray is many, many playoff matchups between Deshaun and Patrick. Let's hope for a day full of snow and little to no wind, ala the Colts playoff game last year.
* 4 New England Patriots 31, at 1 Cleveland Browns 23.
(Sunday, January 12, 2020, 2pm CT (CBS)).
Ooh boy! Belichick returns to Cleveland! The Browns host a playoff game! Baker Mayfield vs Tom Brady, with a spot in the AFC Title Game on the line! In the end, I trust Bill Belichick far more than I trust Freddie Kitchens. That, and I believe that when a dynasty dies, it should die to a worthy successor.
* 4 Dallas Cowboys 31, at 2 Los Angeles Rams 20.
(Sunday, January 12, 2020, 5:30pm CT (FOX)).
I'll say it -- the better team wins. Also, this is without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- the best Cowboys team since I lived there twenty plus years ago. And just like the 1995, 1996 Cowboys? The weakest link is the one wearing the headset.
Conference Championship Games.
* 4 New England Patriots 31, at 2 Kansas City Chiefs 37 (OT).
(Sunday, January 19, 2020, 2pm CT (CBS)).
If revenge is a dish best served cold ... then let's hope it's not as cold as it was last January 20th. Because in the words of the (apparently) immortal Ric Flair: "to be the man? You gotta beat the man! WOO!"
And that's what this season is about here in Kansas City: unfinished business. It's about rectifying the outrageous wrong Dee Ford's offside brain fart was. It's about righting the wrong of the outcome of the coin flip to start overtime. It's about the Chiefs joining those people (2005, 2013, 2015), the Colts (2006), the Ravens (2009, 2012), and the Jets (2010), as the only teams to beat Belichick's Patriots in the AFC postseason. It's about stopping their Super Bowl appearance streak at three, and beginning our streak.
Seriously, when I think Patriots, this comes to mind. It's time to end their run. It's time to send them packing to the retirement home, where they can act like spoiled toddlers that sh*t their pants over every other team's defeat -- you know, like the 1972 Dolphins do every year.
I refuse to say it's our time, because #2012royals ... but yeah. It's Chiefs time.
Lamar's Trophy is coming home.
* 6 Green Bay Packers 31, at 4 Dallas Cowboys 35.
(Sunday, January 19, 2020, 5:40pm (FOX)).
Every one of us raised on this sport in the late 1980s / early to mid 1990s (hey, that's me!) will probably nut if this matchup occurs. Even post-Favre and post-Triplets, they've already given us two playoff classics in this decade (the 2014 Dez Bryant "non-catch" Divisional Round game; the 2016 38-31 Divisional Round game that saw four scores inside the last four minutes ... including two 50 plus yard field goals inside of a minute to play).
Which gives us ...
Super Bowl LIV.
* 2 Kansas City Chiefs 38, 4 Dallas Cowboys 27.
(Sunday, February 2, 2020, 5:20pm CT (FOX)).
And thus, the lyrics to this post finally reach the point.
We've waited our whole lives for this, Chiefs fans.
Sing with me.
Sing for the years.
Sing for the laughter.
Sing for the tears.
Sing with me,
If just for today.
And maybe tomorrow?
The Good Lord'll take us away.
Starting today? And every day until about 9pm on February 2nd? It's dream on! (Or, as I used to say, "season f*cking on!")
Because come 9pm February 2nd? We begin planning the biggest party this town has ever seen. And considering one out of every three people in the metropolitan area descended on Union Station for the Royals victory parade ... sweet Jesus. Can you even imagine what the Crossroads and Union Hill are gonna look like when the Lombardi comes driving down Grand Boulevard next February?
I can't wait to see the image become reality ...
Saturday, September 7, 2019
stevo's 2019 nfl predictions: the division winners
"I'm alone;
I don't know if I can face the night.
I'm in tears,
And the crying that I do is for you.
I want your love --
Let's break the walls between us.
Don't make it tough --
I'll put away my pride.
Enough's enough!
I've suffered and I've seen the light!
Baby, you're my angel!
Come and save me tonight!
You're my angel!
Come and make it alright! ...
Don't know what I'm gonna do
About this feeling inside.
Yes it's true --
Loneliness took me for a ride!
Without your love?
I'm nothing but a beggar.
Without your love?
A dog without a bone.
What can I do --
I'm sleeping in this bed alone!
Baby, you're my angel!
Come and save me tonight!
You're my angel!
Come and make it alright!
Come and save me tonight! ..."
-- "Angel" by Aerosmith.
--------------------
Here are your 2019 NFL Season Predictions, broken down into five parts:
Part I: The Last Place Finishers
Part II: The Third Place Finishers
Part III: The Wild Card Contenders
Part IV: The Division Winners
Part V: The Postseason
Also, this is your Week One Power Poll. As always, 32 is typical New York Jets bad, 1 is typical New England Patriots good.
Enjoy.
--------------------
8. Chicago Bears.
Last Year: 12-4-0, NFC Norris Champions.
Postseason: L Wild Card 15-16 (vs Eagles).
Prediction: 10-6-0, NFC Norris Champions; Four Seed NFC.
I'm not going to overreact to Thursday night. But circle me concerned, Bert. Circle me concerned.
Here's your NFC Norris Schedule Run:
7. Dallas Cowboys.
Last Year: 10-6-0, NFC East Champions.
Postseason: W Wild Card 24-22 (vs Seahawks); L Divisional Round 22-30 (@ Rams).
Prediction: 10-6-0, NFC East Champions; Three Seed NFC.
The Cowboys have not had back to back division titles since I lived in Dallas twenty years ago. They haven't had back to back playoff appearances since Son O' Bum was manning the ship. If Jerry Jones was fair and impartial, he should have fired himself at least twelve years ago.
Here's your NFC East Schedule Run:
Cowboys got tiebreaker over Eagles via head-to-head sweep.
6. New England Patriots.
Last Year: 12-4-0, AFC East Champions.
Postseason: W Divisional Round 41-28 (vs "Super" Chargers); W Championship Game 37-31 (OT) (@ Chiefs); W Super Bowl 13-3 (vs Rams); Super Bowl Champions.
Prediction: 10-6-0, AFC East Champions; Four Seed AFC.
2019 Patriots = 1996 Cowboys. The last gasp of a great champion.
Your AFC East Schedule Run:
Patriots got tiebreaker over Bills via Strength of Schedule. Yes, I had to go six f*cking tiebreakers deep, to figure out the winner of this division. And I'm still not sure I calculated things right.
5. Cleveland Browns.
Last Year: 7-8-1, 3rd Place, AFC Norris.
Prediction: 11-5-0, AFC Norris Champions; One Seed AFC.
For the first time since Bud Carson was patrolling the sidelines, your Cleveland Browns are going to win a division title. For the first time since Marty Schottenheimer was patrolling the sidelines, your Cleveland Browns are going to have home field advantage throughout the AFC playoffs.
I normally hate buying into the hype ... but I tried, I really tried, to find them more than five losses in the schedule run. I couldn't. Enjoy it, Factory of Sadness dwellers. You've earned it.
Your AFC Norris Schedule Run:
Finally -- a division with no tie-breakers needed!
4. Atlanta "Shane" Falcons.
Last Year: 7-9-0, 2nd Place, NFC South.
Prediction: 11-5-0, NFC South Champions; One Seed NFC.
You can credibly argue that the biggest game in my schedule run was Thanksgiving night. The loser missed the playoffs. The winner got home field advantage. Flip the outcome, and the same would still be true ... only in the Saints favor.
Your NFC South Schedule Run:
3. Houston Texans.
Last Year: 11-5-0, AFC South Champions.
Postseason: L Wild Card 7-21 (vs Colts).
Prediction: 11-5-0, AFC South Champions; Three Seed AFC.
I love this Texans team. Love them. And frankly, save for the home game against those people, and possibly the Sunday nighter against the Packers, there is no game on the schedule I'm more amped up for, than the Texans game Week Six. Watson! Mahomes! God I cannot wait!
Your AFC South Schedule Run:
2. Kansas City Chiefs.
Last Year: 12-4-0, AFC West Champions.
Postseason: W Divisional Round 31-13 (vs Colts); L Championship Game 31-37 (OT) (vs Patriots).
Prediction: 11-5-0, AFC West Champions; Two Seed AFC.
Your AFC West Schedule Run:
1. Los Angeles Rams.
Last Year: 13-3-0, NFC West Champions.
Postseason: W Divisional Round 30-22 (vs Cowboys); W Championship Game 26-23 (OT) (@ Saints); L Super Bowl 3-13 (vs Patriots); NFC Champions.
Prediction: 11-5-0, NFC West Champions; Two Seed NFC.
Sadly, we aren't guaranteed a Chiefs / Rams rematch this year. Or any year again until 2022 at Arrowhead. I hope I'm not priced out of my seat by then.
Your NFC West Schedule Run:
All that's left now is the playoff runs ...
I don't know if I can face the night.
I'm in tears,
And the crying that I do is for you.
I want your love --
Let's break the walls between us.
Don't make it tough --
I'll put away my pride.
Enough's enough!
I've suffered and I've seen the light!
Baby, you're my angel!
Come and save me tonight!
You're my angel!
Come and make it alright! ...
Don't know what I'm gonna do
About this feeling inside.
Yes it's true --
Loneliness took me for a ride!
Without your love?
I'm nothing but a beggar.
Without your love?
A dog without a bone.
What can I do --
I'm sleeping in this bed alone!
Baby, you're my angel!
Come and save me tonight!
You're my angel!
Come and make it alright!
Come and save me tonight! ..."
-- "Angel" by Aerosmith.
--------------------
Here are your 2019 NFL Season Predictions, broken down into five parts:
Part I: The Last Place Finishers
Part II: The Third Place Finishers
Part III: The Wild Card Contenders
Part IV: The Division Winners
Part V: The Postseason
Also, this is your Week One Power Poll. As always, 32 is typical New York Jets bad, 1 is typical New England Patriots good.
Enjoy.
--------------------
8. Chicago Bears.
Last Year: 12-4-0, NFC Norris Champions.
Postseason: L Wild Card 15-16 (vs Eagles).
Prediction: 10-6-0, NFC Norris Champions; Four Seed NFC.
I'm not going to overreact to Thursday night. But circle me concerned, Bert. Circle me concerned.
Here's your NFC Norris Schedule Run:
Bears got tiebreaker over Packers via Strength of Victory.
7. Dallas Cowboys.
Last Year: 10-6-0, NFC East Champions.
Postseason: W Wild Card 24-22 (vs Seahawks); L Divisional Round 22-30 (@ Rams).
Prediction: 10-6-0, NFC East Champions; Three Seed NFC.
The Cowboys have not had back to back division titles since I lived in Dallas twenty years ago. They haven't had back to back playoff appearances since Son O' Bum was manning the ship. If Jerry Jones was fair and impartial, he should have fired himself at least twelve years ago.
Here's your NFC East Schedule Run:
Cowboys got tiebreaker over Eagles via head-to-head sweep.
6. New England Patriots.
Last Year: 12-4-0, AFC East Champions.
Postseason: W Divisional Round 41-28 (vs "Super" Chargers); W Championship Game 37-31 (OT) (@ Chiefs); W Super Bowl 13-3 (vs Rams); Super Bowl Champions.
Prediction: 10-6-0, AFC East Champions; Four Seed AFC.
2019 Patriots = 1996 Cowboys. The last gasp of a great champion.
Your AFC East Schedule Run:
Patriots got tiebreaker over Bills via Strength of Schedule. Yes, I had to go six f*cking tiebreakers deep, to figure out the winner of this division. And I'm still not sure I calculated things right.
5. Cleveland Browns.
Last Year: 7-8-1, 3rd Place, AFC Norris.
Prediction: 11-5-0, AFC Norris Champions; One Seed AFC.
For the first time since Bud Carson was patrolling the sidelines, your Cleveland Browns are going to win a division title. For the first time since Marty Schottenheimer was patrolling the sidelines, your Cleveland Browns are going to have home field advantage throughout the AFC playoffs.
I normally hate buying into the hype ... but I tried, I really tried, to find them more than five losses in the schedule run. I couldn't. Enjoy it, Factory of Sadness dwellers. You've earned it.
Your AFC Norris Schedule Run:
Finally -- a division with no tie-breakers needed!
4. Atlanta "Shane" Falcons.
Last Year: 7-9-0, 2nd Place, NFC South.
Prediction: 11-5-0, NFC South Champions; One Seed NFC.
You can credibly argue that the biggest game in my schedule run was Thanksgiving night. The loser missed the playoffs. The winner got home field advantage. Flip the outcome, and the same would still be true ... only in the Saints favor.
Your NFC South Schedule Run:
3. Houston Texans.
Last Year: 11-5-0, AFC South Champions.
Postseason: L Wild Card 7-21 (vs Colts).
Prediction: 11-5-0, AFC South Champions; Three Seed AFC.
I love this Texans team. Love them. And frankly, save for the home game against those people, and possibly the Sunday nighter against the Packers, there is no game on the schedule I'm more amped up for, than the Texans game Week Six. Watson! Mahomes! God I cannot wait!
Your AFC South Schedule Run:
2. Kansas City Chiefs.
Last Year: 12-4-0, AFC West Champions.
Postseason: W Divisional Round 31-13 (vs Colts); L Championship Game 31-37 (OT) (vs Patriots).
Prediction: 11-5-0, AFC West Champions; Two Seed AFC.
Your AFC West Schedule Run:
1. Los Angeles Rams.
Last Year: 13-3-0, NFC West Champions.
Postseason: W Divisional Round 30-22 (vs Cowboys); W Championship Game 26-23 (OT) (@ Saints); L Super Bowl 3-13 (vs Patriots); NFC Champions.
Prediction: 11-5-0, NFC West Champions; Two Seed NFC.
Sadly, we aren't guaranteed a Chiefs / Rams rematch this year. Or any year again until 2022 at Arrowhead. I hope I'm not priced out of my seat by then.
Your NFC West Schedule Run:
All that's left now is the playoff runs ...
stevo's 2019 nfl predictions: the wild card contenders
"There's something wrong with the world today;
I don't know what it is.
There's something wrong with our eyes.
We're seeing things in a different way,
And God knows it ain't His.
It sure ain't no surprise.
We're living on the edge!
Living on the edge!
Living on the edge!
Living on the edge!
There's something wrong with the world today;
The light bulb's getting dim.
There's meltdown in the skies.
If you can judge a wise man
By the color of his skin?
Then mister, you're a better man than I.
We're living on the edge!
(You can't help yourself from falling!)
Living on the edge!
(You can't help yourself at all!)
Living on the edge!
(You can't help yourself from falling!)
Living on the edge!
(You can't help yourself at all!) ...
-- "Living on the Edge" by Aerosmith.
--------------------
Here are your 2019 NFL Season Predictions, broken down into five parts:
Part I: The Last Place Finishers
Part II: The Third Place Finishers
Part III: The Wild Card Contenders
Part IV: The Division Winners
Part V: The Postseason
Also, this is your Week One Power Poll. As always, 32 is typical New York Jets bad, 1 is typical New England Patriots good.
Enjoy.
--------------------
16. those people.
Last Year: 6-10-0, 3rd Place, AFC West.
Prediction: 8-8-0, 2nd Place, AFC West.
I have them losing all four road games after their bye (@ Vikings, @ Bills, @ Chiefs, @ Texans). Win any of those, and they're your six seed. Especially if that win is the Bills roadie.
15. Jacksonville Jaguars.
Last Year: 5-11-0, Last Place, AFC South.
Prediction: 9-7-0, 2nd Place, AFC South.
Another team I have dropping every road game after their bye, when winning just one of them could mean the postseason. Especially if that one is against either the Colts or the Titans.
14. Philadelphia Eagles.
Last Year: 9-7-0, 2nd Place, NFC East.
Postseason: W Wild Card 16-14 (@ Bears); L Divisional Round 14-20 (@ Saints).
Prediction: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, NFC East.
It's a clusterf*ck at 10-6 in the NFC, and the Eagles are one of the two that get screwed. Along with ...
13. New Orleans Saints.
Last Year: 13-3-0, NFC South Champions.
Postseason: W Divisional Round 20-14 (vs Eagles); L Conference Championship 23-26 (OT) (vs Rams).
Prediction: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, NFC South.
I have them going 2-6 away from the Dome. That dooms them to picking 20th next April.
Which leads us to our four wild cards, two per conference ...
12. Buffalo Bills.
Last Year: 6-10-0, 3rd Place, AFC East.
Prediction: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, AFC East; Sixth Seed AFC.
This was the tiebreaker that came down to strength of victory. But it wasn't between the Bills, and who you might expect.
11. Green Bay Packers.
Last Year: 6-9-1, 3rd Place, NFC Norris.
Prediction: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, NFC Norris; Sixth Seed NFC.
Although after Thursday night, I might want to flip who I have 1-2 in the Norris. I have them both at 10-6.
10. San Francisco 49ers.
Last Year: 4-12-0, 3rd Place, NFC West.
Prediction: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, NFC West; Fifth Seed NFC.
I'm not sure what's more full of sh*t with this prediction -- the streets of San Francisco, or me. I just really like this team this year. And I have them at ten wins with a gigantic upset loss at Fake RFK, that's how much I believe in these guys.
9. Pittsburgh Steelers.
Last Year: 9-6-1, 2nd Place, AFC Norris.
Prediction: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, AFC Norris; Fifth Seed AFC.
Addition by subtraction baby!
Up next: your divisional winners. Six of whom are repeats from last season. Plus the schedule runs, to show how I arrived at your team's projected record(s) ...
I don't know what it is.
There's something wrong with our eyes.
We're seeing things in a different way,
And God knows it ain't His.
It sure ain't no surprise.
We're living on the edge!
Living on the edge!
Living on the edge!
Living on the edge!
There's something wrong with the world today;
The light bulb's getting dim.
There's meltdown in the skies.
If you can judge a wise man
By the color of his skin?
Then mister, you're a better man than I.
We're living on the edge!
(You can't help yourself from falling!)
Living on the edge!
(You can't help yourself at all!)
Living on the edge!
(You can't help yourself from falling!)
Living on the edge!
(You can't help yourself at all!) ...
-- "Living on the Edge" by Aerosmith.
--------------------
Here are your 2019 NFL Season Predictions, broken down into five parts:
Part I: The Last Place Finishers
Part II: The Third Place Finishers
Part III: The Wild Card Contenders
Part IV: The Division Winners
Part V: The Postseason
Also, this is your Week One Power Poll. As always, 32 is typical New York Jets bad, 1 is typical New England Patriots good.
Enjoy.
--------------------
16. those people.
Last Year: 6-10-0, 3rd Place, AFC West.
Prediction: 8-8-0, 2nd Place, AFC West.
I have them losing all four road games after their bye (@ Vikings, @ Bills, @ Chiefs, @ Texans). Win any of those, and they're your six seed. Especially if that win is the Bills roadie.
15. Jacksonville Jaguars.
Last Year: 5-11-0, Last Place, AFC South.
Prediction: 9-7-0, 2nd Place, AFC South.
Another team I have dropping every road game after their bye, when winning just one of them could mean the postseason. Especially if that one is against either the Colts or the Titans.
14. Philadelphia Eagles.
Last Year: 9-7-0, 2nd Place, NFC East.
Postseason: W Wild Card 16-14 (@ Bears); L Divisional Round 14-20 (@ Saints).
Prediction: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, NFC East.
It's a clusterf*ck at 10-6 in the NFC, and the Eagles are one of the two that get screwed. Along with ...
13. New Orleans Saints.
Last Year: 13-3-0, NFC South Champions.
Postseason: W Divisional Round 20-14 (vs Eagles); L Conference Championship 23-26 (OT) (vs Rams).
Prediction: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, NFC South.
I have them going 2-6 away from the Dome. That dooms them to picking 20th next April.
Which leads us to our four wild cards, two per conference ...
12. Buffalo Bills.
Last Year: 6-10-0, 3rd Place, AFC East.
Prediction: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, AFC East; Sixth Seed AFC.
This was the tiebreaker that came down to strength of victory. But it wasn't between the Bills, and who you might expect.
11. Green Bay Packers.
Last Year: 6-9-1, 3rd Place, NFC Norris.
Prediction: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, NFC Norris; Sixth Seed NFC.
Although after Thursday night, I might want to flip who I have 1-2 in the Norris. I have them both at 10-6.
10. San Francisco 49ers.
Last Year: 4-12-0, 3rd Place, NFC West.
Prediction: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, NFC West; Fifth Seed NFC.
I'm not sure what's more full of sh*t with this prediction -- the streets of San Francisco, or me. I just really like this team this year. And I have them at ten wins with a gigantic upset loss at Fake RFK, that's how much I believe in these guys.
9. Pittsburgh Steelers.
Last Year: 9-6-1, 2nd Place, AFC Norris.
Prediction: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, AFC Norris; Fifth Seed AFC.
Addition by subtraction baby!
Up next: your divisional winners. Six of whom are repeats from last season. Plus the schedule runs, to show how I arrived at your team's projected record(s) ...
stevo's 2019 nfl predictions: the third place finishers
"Working like a dog for the boss man;
Working for the company.
I'm betting on the dice I'm tossing;
I'm gonna have a fantasy!
But where am I gonna look?
They tell me that love is blind.
I really need a girl like an open book,
To read between the lines!
Love in an elevator!
Loving it up while I'm going down!
Love in an elevator!
Loving it up 'til I hit the ground! ..."
-- "Love In An Elevator" by Aerosmith.
--------------------
Here are your 2019 NFL Season Predictions, broken down into five parts:
Part I: The Last Place Finishers
Part II: The Third Place Finishers
Part III: The Wild Card Contenders
Part IV: The Division Winners
Part V: The Postseason
Also, this is your Week One Power Poll. As always, 32 is typical New York Jets bad, 1 is typical New England Patriots good.
Enjoy.
--------------------
24. New York Giants.
Last Year: 5-11-0, Last Place, NFC East.
Prediction: 7-9, 3rd Place, NFC East.
The sooner they start Daniel Jones, the better.
23. oakland raiders.
Last Year: 4-12-0, Last Place, AFC West.
Prediction: 7-9-0, 3rd Place, AFC West.
The Antonio Brown release today, if anything, should cause me to rethink their record in a positive way. But 7-9 / 8-8 sounds about right, if I'm being honest, so I'll leave it as is.
22. Carolina Panthers.
Last Year: 7-9-0, 3rd Place, NFC South.
Prediction: 7-9-0, 3rd Place, NFC South.
Trust me Cameron -- celibacy doesn't improve your life, or on-field skills. Also, you have to love a proven thief that is the son of a man of the cloth, that has already cranked out a couple kids outside of wedlock, trying to portray himself as a model of morality. For f*ck's sake. Just stop.
And to think people actually wonder why I refuse to step foot inside a church unless drug at gunpoint and/or by the bride or groom ...
21. Baltimore Ravens.
Last Year: 10-6-0, AFC Norris Champion.
Postseason: L Wild Card 17-23 (vs "Super" Chargers).
Prediction: 5-11-0, 3rd Place, AFC Norris.
One of three AFC playoff teams from last year that ain't returning to the postseason this year, and the Ravens will be the only one of the three to not be in contention in December.
20. Indianapolis Colts.
Last Year: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, AFC South.
Postseason: W Wild Card 21-7 (@ Texans); L Divisional Round 13-31 (@ Chiefs).
Prediction: 7-9-0, 3rd Place, AFC South.
I'd have picked 7-9 even with Andrew Luck under center.
19. New York Jets.
Last Year: 4-12-0, Last Place, AFC East.
Prediction: 8-8-0, 3rd Place, AFC East.
The Jets came up one game short of the final wild card slot in my schedule run. Or, a typical Tuesday for Gang Green.
18. Minnesota Vikings.
Last Year: 8-7-1, 2nd Place, NFC Norris.
Prediction: 9-7-0, 3rd Place, NFC Norris.
I have the Vikings controlling their own destiny in the division entering Week Sixteen. I have them controlling their own destiny for the Wild Card entering Week Seventeen. I have them finishing outside of the postseason. You gotta love sh*tting away $84,000,000 (harrison ford in "clear and present danger" voice) and change, on the worthless Kirk Cousins.
(But you're starting Kirk Cousins on your main fantasy football team, right?) Hell yes I am.
17. Seattle Seahawks.
Last Year: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, NFC West.
Postseason: L Wild Card 22-24 (@ Cowboys).
Prediction: 9-7-0, 3rd Place, NFC West.
For what it's worth, I have eight -- eight! -- NFC teams at 10-6 or 9-7. Only four of them can get in. Just wait until you see the schedule runs, because yes, I had to calculate Strength of Victory to figure out one playoff spot. Also, for what it's worth, had the Seahawks won any of their three roadies after their bye (@ Eagles, @ Rams, @ Panthers), they'd have been at worst the five seed, and had they won that Rams game, they'd have won the NFC West.
Up next, the Wild Card contenders -- aka, the eight teams the four wild card slots will emerge from ...
Working for the company.
I'm betting on the dice I'm tossing;
I'm gonna have a fantasy!
But where am I gonna look?
They tell me that love is blind.
I really need a girl like an open book,
To read between the lines!
Love in an elevator!
Loving it up while I'm going down!
Love in an elevator!
Loving it up 'til I hit the ground! ..."
-- "Love In An Elevator" by Aerosmith.
--------------------
Here are your 2019 NFL Season Predictions, broken down into five parts:
Part I: The Last Place Finishers
Part II: The Third Place Finishers
Part III: The Wild Card Contenders
Part IV: The Division Winners
Part V: The Postseason
Also, this is your Week One Power Poll. As always, 32 is typical New York Jets bad, 1 is typical New England Patriots good.
Enjoy.
--------------------
24. New York Giants.
Last Year: 5-11-0, Last Place, NFC East.
Prediction: 7-9, 3rd Place, NFC East.
The sooner they start Daniel Jones, the better.
23. oakland raiders.
Last Year: 4-12-0, Last Place, AFC West.
Prediction: 7-9-0, 3rd Place, AFC West.
The Antonio Brown release today, if anything, should cause me to rethink their record in a positive way. But 7-9 / 8-8 sounds about right, if I'm being honest, so I'll leave it as is.
22. Carolina Panthers.
Last Year: 7-9-0, 3rd Place, NFC South.
Prediction: 7-9-0, 3rd Place, NFC South.
Trust me Cameron -- celibacy doesn't improve your life, or on-field skills. Also, you have to love a proven thief that is the son of a man of the cloth, that has already cranked out a couple kids outside of wedlock, trying to portray himself as a model of morality. For f*ck's sake. Just stop.
And to think people actually wonder why I refuse to step foot inside a church unless drug at gunpoint and/or by the bride or groom ...
21. Baltimore Ravens.
Last Year: 10-6-0, AFC Norris Champion.
Postseason: L Wild Card 17-23 (vs "Super" Chargers).
Prediction: 5-11-0, 3rd Place, AFC Norris.
One of three AFC playoff teams from last year that ain't returning to the postseason this year, and the Ravens will be the only one of the three to not be in contention in December.
20. Indianapolis Colts.
Last Year: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, AFC South.
Postseason: W Wild Card 21-7 (@ Texans); L Divisional Round 13-31 (@ Chiefs).
Prediction: 7-9-0, 3rd Place, AFC South.
I'd have picked 7-9 even with Andrew Luck under center.
19. New York Jets.
Last Year: 4-12-0, Last Place, AFC East.
Prediction: 8-8-0, 3rd Place, AFC East.
The Jets came up one game short of the final wild card slot in my schedule run. Or, a typical Tuesday for Gang Green.
18. Minnesota Vikings.
Last Year: 8-7-1, 2nd Place, NFC Norris.
Prediction: 9-7-0, 3rd Place, NFC Norris.
I have the Vikings controlling their own destiny in the division entering Week Sixteen. I have them controlling their own destiny for the Wild Card entering Week Seventeen. I have them finishing outside of the postseason. You gotta love sh*tting away $84,000,000 (harrison ford in "clear and present danger" voice) and change, on the worthless Kirk Cousins.
(But you're starting Kirk Cousins on your main fantasy football team, right?) Hell yes I am.
17. Seattle Seahawks.
Last Year: 10-6-0, 2nd Place, NFC West.
Postseason: L Wild Card 22-24 (@ Cowboys).
Prediction: 9-7-0, 3rd Place, NFC West.
For what it's worth, I have eight -- eight! -- NFC teams at 10-6 or 9-7. Only four of them can get in. Just wait until you see the schedule runs, because yes, I had to calculate Strength of Victory to figure out one playoff spot. Also, for what it's worth, had the Seahawks won any of their three roadies after their bye (@ Eagles, @ Rams, @ Panthers), they'd have been at worst the five seed, and had they won that Rams game, they'd have won the NFC West.
Up next, the Wild Card contenders -- aka, the eight teams the four wild card slots will emerge from ...
stevo's 2019 nfl predictions: the last place finishers
"There was a time,
When I was so broken hearted;
Love wasn't much
Of a friend of mine.
The tables have turned;
Because me and them ways have parted.
That kind of love?
Was the killing kind.
All I want?
Is someone I can't resist!
And I'll know all I need to know
By the way I got kissed!
I was crying when I met you!
Now I'm trying to forget you!
Your love is sweet?
Misery!
I was trying just to get you;
Now I'm dying 'cause I let you
Do what you do?
Down on me!
Now there's not any breathing room
Between pleasure and pain!
Yeah you cry when we're making love;
Must be one and the same ..."
-- "Cryin'" by Aerosmith.
--------------------
Here are your 2019 NFL Season Predictions, broken down into five parts:
Part I: The Last Place Finishers
Part II: The Third Place Finishers
Part III: The Wild Card Contenders
Part IV: The Division Winners
Part V: The Postseason
Also, this is your Week One Power Poll. As always, 32 is typical New York Jets bad, 1 is typical New England Patriots good.
Enjoy.
--------------------
32. Miami Dolphins.
Last Year: 7-9-0, 2nd Place, AFC East.
Prediction: 4-12-0, Last Place, AFC East.
Even after the fire sale, I'm not changing any of their projected victories. At least Dolphins fans get to take the shirt off and kick the feet up to watch every 37-6 defeat this year. I wish I could have said that about the 2012 Chiefs and myself.
31. Detroit Lions.
Last Year: 6-10-0, Last Place, NFC Norris.
Prediction: 2-14-0, Last Place, NFC Norris.
What a disaster this is going to be. At some point, it's not Matt Millen's fault. #shitorganization
30. Cincinnati Bengals.
Last Year: 6-10-0, Last Place, AFC Norris.
Prediction: 3-13-0, Last Place, AFC Norris.
Sam Wyche and Boomer Esiason ain't walking in that door.
29. Washington Redskins.
Last Year; 7-9-0, 3rd Place, NFC East.
Prediction: 3-13-0, Last Place, NFC East.
Joe Gibbs and Joe Theisman or Mark Rypien ain't walking in that door. Sadly for Redskins fans, Doug Williams is.
28. Arizona "Super" Cardinals.
Last Year: 3-13-0, Last Place, NFC West.
Prediction: 4-12-0, Last Place, NFC West.
I actually have the "Super" Cardinals opening 2-1 ... before losing 8 straight. Still, I have them improving by a game over last year. #babysteps
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Last Year: 5-11-0, Last Place, NFC South.
Prediction: 5-11-0, Last Place, NFC South.
If it is possible for a team to repeat its' previous season's performance, yet make significant progress towards its' future, this is that team.
26. Tennessee Titans.
Last Year; 9-7-0, 3rd Place, AFC South.
Prediction: 7-9-0, Last Place, AFC South.
I have every AFC South team very much alive for a playoff berth entering December. I have the Titans losing 3 of their last 5, and 5 of their last 8, to fall out of divisional and wild card contention, in a division where there really isn't much separation between all four teams.
And ... for arguably the most controversial, (somewhat) indefensible season pick of the season ...
25. Los Angeles "Super" Chargers.
Last Year: 12-4-0, 2nd Place, AFC West.
Postseason: W Wild Card 23-17 (@ Ravens); L Divisional Round 28-41 (@ Patriots).
Prediction: 7-9-0, Last Place, AFC West.
I have the Chargers losing 5 of their last 7, and 7 of their last 10, to collapse out of the playoff picture. Or, basically, the opposite of a typical Chargers season, where they bury themselves by Halloween, only to rise from the dead by December. I'm not buying this team, at all. Injury issues, holdout issues, still not sold on Anthony Lynn as a coach, and at some point, doesn't 15 years catch up to Phyllis Rivers? And more to the point, at some point, doesn't his 8, 9, 10 kids at home, matter more to him than risking his future on the field? I think that point is this season. And I'm picking the Chargers to be the biggest disappointment in the NFL this season.
When I was so broken hearted;
Love wasn't much
Of a friend of mine.
The tables have turned;
Because me and them ways have parted.
That kind of love?
Was the killing kind.
All I want?
Is someone I can't resist!
And I'll know all I need to know
By the way I got kissed!
I was crying when I met you!
Now I'm trying to forget you!
Your love is sweet?
Misery!
I was trying just to get you;
Now I'm dying 'cause I let you
Do what you do?
Down on me!
Now there's not any breathing room
Between pleasure and pain!
Yeah you cry when we're making love;
Must be one and the same ..."
-- "Cryin'" by Aerosmith.
--------------------
Here are your 2019 NFL Season Predictions, broken down into five parts:
Part I: The Last Place Finishers
Part II: The Third Place Finishers
Part III: The Wild Card Contenders
Part IV: The Division Winners
Part V: The Postseason
Also, this is your Week One Power Poll. As always, 32 is typical New York Jets bad, 1 is typical New England Patriots good.
Enjoy.
--------------------
32. Miami Dolphins.
Last Year: 7-9-0, 2nd Place, AFC East.
Prediction: 4-12-0, Last Place, AFC East.
Even after the fire sale, I'm not changing any of their projected victories. At least Dolphins fans get to take the shirt off and kick the feet up to watch every 37-6 defeat this year. I wish I could have said that about the 2012 Chiefs and myself.
31. Detroit Lions.
Last Year: 6-10-0, Last Place, NFC Norris.
Prediction: 2-14-0, Last Place, NFC Norris.
What a disaster this is going to be. At some point, it's not Matt Millen's fault. #shitorganization
30. Cincinnati Bengals.
Last Year: 6-10-0, Last Place, AFC Norris.
Prediction: 3-13-0, Last Place, AFC Norris.
Sam Wyche and Boomer Esiason ain't walking in that door.
29. Washington Redskins.
Last Year; 7-9-0, 3rd Place, NFC East.
Prediction: 3-13-0, Last Place, NFC East.
Joe Gibbs and Joe Theisman or Mark Rypien ain't walking in that door. Sadly for Redskins fans, Doug Williams is.
28. Arizona "Super" Cardinals.
Last Year: 3-13-0, Last Place, NFC West.
Prediction: 4-12-0, Last Place, NFC West.
I actually have the "Super" Cardinals opening 2-1 ... before losing 8 straight. Still, I have them improving by a game over last year. #babysteps
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Last Year: 5-11-0, Last Place, NFC South.
Prediction: 5-11-0, Last Place, NFC South.
If it is possible for a team to repeat its' previous season's performance, yet make significant progress towards its' future, this is that team.
26. Tennessee Titans.
Last Year; 9-7-0, 3rd Place, AFC South.
Prediction: 7-9-0, Last Place, AFC South.
I have every AFC South team very much alive for a playoff berth entering December. I have the Titans losing 3 of their last 5, and 5 of their last 8, to fall out of divisional and wild card contention, in a division where there really isn't much separation between all four teams.
And ... for arguably the most controversial, (somewhat) indefensible season pick of the season ...
25. Los Angeles "Super" Chargers.
Last Year: 12-4-0, 2nd Place, AFC West.
Postseason: W Wild Card 23-17 (@ Ravens); L Divisional Round 28-41 (@ Patriots).
Prediction: 7-9-0, Last Place, AFC West.
I have the Chargers losing 5 of their last 7, and 7 of their last 10, to collapse out of the playoff picture. Or, basically, the opposite of a typical Chargers season, where they bury themselves by Halloween, only to rise from the dead by December. I'm not buying this team, at all. Injury issues, holdout issues, still not sold on Anthony Lynn as a coach, and at some point, doesn't 15 years catch up to Phyllis Rivers? And more to the point, at some point, doesn't his 8, 9, 10 kids at home, matter more to him than risking his future on the field? I think that point is this season. And I'm picking the Chargers to be the biggest disappointment in the NFL this season.
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